Saturday, December 2, 2017

Not A Problem To Be Solved


  1. I stumbled my way here, after a search about the Sedaris family, motivated by the discovery of Amy's new show, and my memories of listening to David Sedaris stories on 'This American Life', on NPR, back on the day. And those were funny stories, I will admit. I thought I was such a huge fan of both of these Sedaris siblings, that I wanted to learn more about their family. I had no idea that I would venture into the story of Tiffany, that has left me heartbroken. I know this post is not about her, but in a way, it is. Because it's for the person who is hurting, because they struggle to know their own worth. And I understand that, personally, as someone who grew up in an abusive world. I too, was a scapegoated child in a narcissist authoritarian family. I was also outcast, and suffered not only being neglected, but also targeted for sexual abuse, because no one in my family thought I was worth protecting. I am so sad that this person named Tiffany took her own life. I feel so sad that she must have felt so unloved and alone. I feel like this could have been me,at one of the darker passages, on my own life. I am so full of mourning over here death, even though I never knew her. I understand her. And I am disgusted at how her own brother continues to use her pain, for his own benefit, even after she took her own life, because she felt so unloved, and discarded, by her own family. It doesn't matter of she ever said she was okay with the piece he wrote about her. He never says that she gave him permission to publish it. It seems as though he never asked that question, before he did... Or about speaking of so many intimate parts of her life, and ridiculing her, over and over, mocking her suffering. Making assumptions of her, as being a bad, crazy, or dirty person. She was abused. She was broken by this very kind of narcissistic abuse, and then her brother had the nerve to both minimize her suffering, and judge her as being inferior and weak, because of it. Absolutely no empathy. Especially the way he describes exploiting her fear, when she was a child, and she appeared as 'prey', and his response was to 'give her something to be afraid of'. Horrifying. So, I am so grateful that you have been a decent person, and sought out to preserve her memory in a more respectful and empathetic way, the way she always deserved, but unfortunately, never was regarded, by her own family. This really disturbs me, regarding my admiration of her famous siblings. I wish at least Amy, or one of the not-famous ones would say something positive about her, on defense of her. I don't expect David to. I am so disappointed in the discovery of his callousness. I truly believe him to be a narcissist, at this point. I hope that not true about Amy Sedaris, too. And I wish someone in her family would defend Tiffany, but I won't hold my breath. I am glad that at least her father wanted to name the beach house after her. And that he seemed to want her to be happy,or be OK, even though he probably wasn't ever advocating for her, enough. I hope Tiffany's soul can rest on peace, better, now, knowing that so many people who have read about how her brother and parents treated her, are as outraged and saddened as I am, and that people like you have taken a stand on her behalf. I wish more people had done this for her, on her life. But I hope somehow it touches her now, and frees her soul of the pain of having lived in lonely isolation, feeling up misunderstood, and unappreciated. If she has been recycled, or reincarnated, the way she seemed to believe in that miracle, on how she made beautiful new life out of things others discarded, I hope now, she is finally able to be seen for the beautiful person she was.

  2. Thanks for your post, I am glad you found my articles on Tiffany. I am not aware of Amy's new show.

    I looked it up...

    Yes many people love their work, hey some of the stories are funny but there is that dark side too when it comes to Tiffany.

    Yes many ACONs struggle to know their worth. It is a continuing battle for many of us even some years into NC. With Tiffany, I wish she had come to know hers, I am glad to have found out she did have some real friends in different articles I found.

    I am sorry to hear you were a scapegoated child too in an authoritarian family. Yes being an outcast and neglected is horrible too. It's horrible yes that Tiffany took her own life, and felt that despair, and aloneness. I do wonder about the extreme depressed and those who feel so alone in the world. How many came from families like ours and Tiffany's?

    I mourned Tiffany too and I never knew her. I took a lot of heat over that article, years ago, and I don't regret writing it. I am glad I and others have spoken out for her. She deserved it. David had this to say...

    But will this ever bring truth telling about what the parents did to her?

    I asked myself reading about those family dynamics, why did all of the siblings follow the narcissistic parents in the rejection of mocking of Tiffany? Why didn't any of my own siblings ever stand up for me? It would have made all the difference. I haven't talked to my brother in two years, why should I? He has no loyalty, his entire life was to suck up to my mother, he never thought of me or my needs.

    I felt disgust too at what he had to say about her. The moment where they are all going to their vacation homes said it all to me. No it doesn't matter that she said it was okay. She probably had been trained to accept her role like I was. Only those in ACON recover start asking questions like "Don't I deserve more?" I even said it to the millionaire ex friend whose has been given everything, "Why don't I deserve anything?" and then it translated into my mind, "I deserve better for you" and I was done with the friendship.

    I hate too how he mocked her suffering. That's how it works in narcissistic families, the competitive fever, they mock and trash who they see as the "weakest link" who is usually the most feeling and sensitive link.


  3. The classism she faced reminded me so much, of what i faced, you are bad, crazy etc, for not having the same amount of money and they run with this, but only a few of us realize how the hole was drilled in our future financial boats too.

    I agree with you he minimized his suffering. One thing I noticed is how he seemed to celebrate the parents for their cruelties, instead of being horrified by it, he embraced it. He wanted to emulate THEM. The dynamics reminded me so much of my own family. I walked and no one's apologized. I added things to my will because of Tiffany, I only have a legal simple holographic will, where I leave everything to my husband, but I stipulated in it, that none of my personal effects are to be given to any family members and listed them by name. I don't want narcissists pawing through my effects should I outlive my husband and die after him the same of what happened to Tiffany. Yes I remember the lines too about where she was prey and they used this. No one stopped. All us ACONs know the years and years of being treated that way. Some even fight back like I did cussing and fuming at times, and it still NEVER ENDED until we walked.

    Thanks for your kind words about what I have written. I was happy to discover others who knew her and celebrated her art and more and defended her online. I wish Amy too had defended her. Amy worries me, I still remember that humor-Craft book that made fun of poor people. Imaging being a poor person who likes crafts checking out a craft book--yeah I knew it was humor, but then mocks people as "losers" for being poor.

    I wonder too about inherited narcissism and golden child status when it comes to both David and Amy. Celebrity itself can bring claims of narcissism, but there's something amiss when a sibling is scapegoated and none question that role they put her in, even after she commits suicide. We don't know these people personally but the refusal of anyone in the family to defend her publically as far as I know, it speaks volumes to what I personally experienced. I am glad the father wanted to name the beach house for her too. Maybe he felt some remorse. Sadly he should have stood up more for her too. I ask those questions above a few myself, like the Aunt that Loved Me, why didn't she step in more?

    I hope wherever Tiffany is now, she has found peace, comfort and love too. Her art too spoke to me of the beauty within as well. Thank you for your post.

  4. correction above, his suffering should be "her suffering"