I had a new revelation recently, concerning the relationship with my cousins. As you all know, I am now no contact with the entire family. Part of the reason I am writing this too is to remind myself that contact with the cousins is not good for me either and why. I felt a lot of loss that Queen Spider got to them too.
I was talking to another ACON blogger when it hit me. They projected guilt on me constantly. When I would contact them, they often were too busy or dismissive as well. These are not people I bothered all the time, I would write them on email or Facebook PM, at most three times a year, and more often only once or twice a year. I live 250 miles away, these are not people I am calling crying about my problems, or to change a lightbulb or for asking any favors.
With one cousin, I realized how why and how he made me uncomfortable. When I talked to him, I noticed always how everything remained "my fault", everyone else even of the most worse offenses I pointed out, was always blameless while I was always at fault. I supposedly was a bad person for making them feel bad. He would admit that my mother treated me badly, but that's the furthest any relative went. However he followed my mother's bidding in the way, that if I made people feel "bad" or "guilty" that was to be projected back on me.
He wrote me these things:
"However I think your feelings make people uncomfortable sometimes - and they might invalidate you to maintain their own "reality" (with a small r.)"
"I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. And feeling guilty is unpleasant, and it's human nature to go into a place of avoidance (i.e. I don't want to contact [my name here--Fivehundredpoundpeep] because I feel bad about not getting back to her, and I don't want to feel bad, so I'll just put it out of my mind.....}
That's a cycle I've tried to become mindful of in myself, and face head on (at least sometimes)"
I have felt "bad" over the no contact with the cousins, but then I see why I had to do it. There was no rescuing these relationships either. I tried.
Even within these relationships, I was always at fault. He even managed to project his own feelings of guilt on me like they were "my fault". I made people feel "guilty" and gave them "negative feelings". For what? Just existing? Writing them once in a blue moon? He projected his guilt on to me.
I made some crack back, at least he felt feelings of guilt unlike sociopaths in the family, but then I should have told him DEAL WITH YOUR GUILT, DON'T PROJECT IT ON ME! Maybe you have something to feel guilty about! Even with the line about my feelings making people uncomfortable, he basically is being honest about the family choice to invalidate me, lest I be an affront to their reality!