Sunday, November 12, 2017
Why finding friends is difficult for people with Aspergers
LOL one sentence sums this up: "What am I supposed to talk to people about?" Online I am fine, there are enough obscure interests, Aspies and others I can talk about all sorts of subjects with. In real life, it's closed down city, and unless I have grandchildren or vacations overseas to brag about forget it! Yes Aspies can face bigger barriers socially. I wish I could find friends locally like I have online, people I can be open to and talk to. I relate to this guy big time. It is good he still tries and has not given up.
Outside of my one busy book club friend, there's simply no one to talk to outside my husband in any "real way". I remain frozen in this "nice" acquaintance stage with many. It's all nice, "how's the weather?" and junk like that. I don't mind a lot of "light" interactions, some of those are enjoyable for what they are. We can't be besties with the whole world, but inside one wonders can they get "close" to people anymore? I certainly don't want to open myself up and get my ass burned like I did in some bad friendships as I detailed on this blog. However having everything remain at the flat line polite level for years and years, is sad. It makes a person feel lonely.
Socially I have grown far less confident and my social anxiety has worsened. I feel like I have to "hide" my true personality everywhere I go. Everything I talk about seems to offend people so I just went silent. Worrying about how you appear makes you too self-focused but then what if you try to "let loose" or allow a sincere interest in other people to lead the way and it still doesn't work? Some would say vulnerability is a requirement for a real friendship to develop but if you can't find people who think like you or have any of same interests off line in the real world, it's far harder.
I don't need gobs of people surrounding me as I have my husband, but I am wondering why is it so hard to talk to people here and why does everything remain frozen locally at the Minnesota Nice level? I don't live in Minnesota but sometimes I feel like I do. The culture here is weird. It occurred to me I haven't even heard anyone yell while I was in public in 11 years. It's smiles and freezing. I don't want screaming people and fist fights but is so repressed and double-faced. At least in New York or something someone may give it to you straight or offer an opinion.
It's strange, some people who even directly blow me off--like someone, they'll come up to me to be nice in public, but then I think about how I tried to call them a couple times, and then had to give up. I'd rather they be nice then mean, but it is confusing. This was someone I formerly talked on the phone with at times and visited on occasion. It makes no sense. I run into her at a book club and she acts like we are still friends. I even sit across the room and decide to leave her alone but she approaches me. I am confused. I don't understand these type of people and there seems to be a lot of them. You can't depend on them to be there. She never answers her phone, or returns calls. It would have hurt less to have been left alone.
This one woman who I thought I was forming a friendship with, but then it faltered after I told her I was housebound in the summer, came up to me in art class a couple weeks ago, right in the middle of the class, and started asking me all these questions. I had thoughts of asking the teacher to throw her out but the atmosphere is informal enough people will come and watch people paint and do projects. She was another one where I called and wanted to talk--she gave me her phone number asking me to call and then vanished. I was polite but I felt wary because she had already given me a complete freeze-out. I said a few things but turned away on purpose. It was strange, she had already blown me off. She told me, "Oh people love your art work!" Is this some kind of narcissistic supply thing? If you don't like me enough to call me back, why come up and start blathering on about life? Oh she joined in on the travelogue speeches too.