Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Emotional Abuse: Being "Erased".
Even by the age of 18, I had therapists tell me I had faced some of the worse emotional abuse they ever had heard of. When one cottons on to the games, it can be quite revelatory. One game my mother used to play was telling me off in the backroom out of ear shot from company, saying things that were cruel, and I would become sad, depressed or angry, and then later with smiles for her company or people she treated better, she would say, "Oh fivehundredpoundpeep's so negative!". One can't win in that kind of set up can they? You always look bad to others. She is the nice, kind lady, cooking meals and giving presents to these folks. "Why so sour fivehundredpoundpeep?" is what they thought. They would think I was a bad person who did not love her "kind" mother. Even friends of the family thought I was the perpetual weirdo sourpuss, while she was the happy go-lucky mother horrifically saddled with the likes of me. In other words, I lost the psychological war and then some. No Contact really when one cuts to the chase is the ultimate retreat to stay alive emotionally and in some cases like mine, physically.
One disturbing message I always got from other relatives, was that I needed to ACCEPT my sister and mother as they were. I would hear these speeches about how they simply were more stoic and kept their emotions close to the sleeve. No one was accepting me. A few of these relatives when pressed would admit, "Yes she is cold, she doesn't treat you right, she engages in BAD BEHAVIOR" but oddly their message to me was always that I was the "bad" party who refused to accept them for who they were, when acceptance from them was never on the table. Most were turned against me but even the few who were not including my brother, told me I should have taken that same path of "acceptance". How and why did that happen?
I had to realize with the emotional abuse and psychological games, that inherently other relatives were dealing with a DIFFERENT PERSON. They were not seeing the same person I was. While my brother saw a few bad behaviors that came to his attention, I doubt he ever was approached when alone by her, and totally decimated and told his life was worthless as adult. This is something I had to contend with, that these narcissists when they choose a scapegoat, do treat you "differently" from others. The bystanders are NOT seeing the same person. Talk about making a very muddied up picture. This is how and why the invalidation by the primary narcissists can be so devastating.
Sometimes I would stuff my feelings to make sure the others didn't hold this against me, but then with Aspergers I was lousy at hiding those emotions. I also think because of being an Aspie, that my ability to see through the social games was far lesser. Even right before I went no contact, my N sister and N mother would manage to manipulate things where I would be in shock that I did not see it coming.
Mine reveled in the confusion, the anxiousness, the fear and making you feel like you "owed" them and were the lowly worm at fault. I found out from distant relatives since I have gone no contact, she has basically "disappeared" me. It did not matter, she said not a word that I had left to any other relative. "Whose going to look like a great mother if one of their children totally cut contact?" So she keeps her mouth shut, everything has always been about appearances to her. I suppose she hopes no one notices I am gone, and just like people who have died in my family, I will cease to exist the same as them to her.
The cutting of the contact by the way is not easy, I am 6 months in, and well, it has been a journey of grief. I realized how much I did really truly lost. I did not get to enjoy many things that others take for granted. The love of a family, the feeling of belonging somewhere, the feeling of kinship. It is a facing of incredible loss that I had always shoveled under the psychological carpet before. Sometimes I am flabbergasted to see the loving families on a social website. I know they are not perfect and even in the best ones, there are alliances and debates and disagreements, but what I faced I think is a bit beyond the pale.
I believe my poverty and lack of means and health to visit relatives that cared about me like my brother and some distant cousins, also impacted things in a very negative way for me. Even there she impacted those relationships with her games and putting me down. They saw her as she had the money to travel thousands of miles, and a new car every two year and endless funds for the gas, I was "missing in action" and basically like pencil eraser taking to a piece of paper, she grew more dominant in their lives while I faded involuntarily from the scene. I sent cards and made phone calls as much as possible. I have a lot of grief about this, I feel bad, that I could not become more of a part of my nieces and nephews lives or get to know them more, everyone was too scattered to have a place to move to, and many things were not possible. I do think in my life, I have lost too many people due to circumstances and other events.
A few years is different then encroaching upon 20. I basically lost my father's family due to the lack of contact and geographical distance. That wedding I wasn't invited to? Well my mother lied there, and told them I didn't want to be there. Think about that, those people then think I do not care and want nothing to do with me. So I'm firmly out of their lives. She's in. She couldn't even leave one person alone, as busy-body, she even took the ones away she isn't even related to by blood. Devastating lies on multiple fronts all centered on turning me into a non-person.
This of course is easier to do when everyone is very geographically distant. More about that later. All I know is being this far into NC [no contact], I realized how extreme the psychological games really were. As I have said before the worse thing both my sister and mother, ever did to me, was the damage they created to other relationships.
As they tried to "erase" me, they never really knew who I was. I was a stranger.