Do scapegoats rebel?
I did.
Leaving our families probably was an ultimate rebellion though some could say we were "pushed out". They left me before I left them.
Some may see me as a "rebel" now because of my beliefs about Covid.
Many think following authority is a positive. I believe blind obedience to authority is destroying mankind. Why do people do everything they are told? Why don't they question the system more?
Sometimes I think ACONs because things were so bad for us, we always know the little emperors often have no clothes.
The deliverance minister I left, told me, "You are in rebellion!" She meant against her but told me it was against God.
When did I rebel in life? Well those who bought Fat Pat, got to read and see my story of my rebellion in the third grade. I almost got expelled in the third grade for fighting my third grade class. I was sick of being called fat and put down by both family and classmates. Fueled on by hunger, I tore the place apart and started punching.
I usually was a weak, mild mannered, sink into the walls, wall flower sort, but not that day. Everyone has their breaking point!
In high school I told a teacher to F off, I got sent to the principal. She had ignored me the whole class period while I asked for help with a project. I said "F*** you, you keep ignoring me".
Another time, I stood up for this girl who was an underdog, a teacher was putting her down, and got sent to the principal again.
There were times, I would get very angry around the family. Of course narcissists will use natural anger that arises from their scapegoats..."See they are crazy!" or "She's the evil one, not me!" I would start cussing them out, I usually was more verbally aggressive. When the wall falls, I'm good with insults, I told my mother she had an ugly face and snake eyes. I started clicking my heels and telling my father, "Heil Hitler" at the age of 10 down in the basement, and responded "Yes Mein Fuhrer!" after he slapped me and yelled at me for not cleaning fast enough. I got hit more but it was worth it.
There were a few times I took risks like that when my own rage reached a boiling point but those times were rarer. I was too scared of beatings to fight this hard until I grew into adult size. In my adulthood, I once told my grandmother and mother "F**** you a******, you eat more than I do, I know something is wrong, look at you pig out on pizza [I hadn't discovered the miracle of Lactaid yet] while I eat this chicken sandwich! You two pork out constantly but your bodies just don't show it!"
Sorry for the bad language, but remember around my crazy family, one would hear an average of 30 F bombs a day. They were always screaming, punching walls and going nuts. 99 percent of the time, I was the wallflower, trying to make myself scarce. I was silent most of the time, but those rare moments happened. As I grew older, I realized how aggressive they were even compared to normal human beings. There was a time in my 20s, where I realized normal people didn't live this way.
My brother was always physically hitting, jumping me, and serving as an enforcer for my mother. I was afraid of him. He was as big as me. Even into adulthood he usually weighed around 300lbs plus and was around 6 foot 2. He grew bigger as he aged well into the mid 400s but when I was around, he was definitely hefty and large. I was a few inches shorter back then at 5 11 and 3/4s. I gave as good as I got. I once kicked him in the face like a MMA fighter, giving him a bloody nose. Another time, I fought back in the kitchen and threw him into the dishwasher breaking the door off when he landed on it. It was fight back or get my ass beaten.
I realized most girls weren't raised like this, always on edge, always worried about being beaten up. It gave me an edge. Even now, if a situation arises, I'm more like a man in my reaction. Protection isn't always guaranteed. I often felt weak and like I couldn't fight with enough power. I had bloody noses, bruises, a scalp that hurt from hair being pulled all the time, and I guess those were the few times I turned the table.
I feel a little wary of telling these stories, because some here may be "My God, Peep is nuts, she's ready to tear everyone's head off!" Well I've stayed out of court rooms and out of trouble, I don't touch anyone, but jump me first, I'm fighting. I own books on self defense, I carefully have studied even one that gives advice to disabled people how to fight back. Sometimes I think my tough childhood got me those jobs working with violent youth, I had seen it all by then. If they jumped me, it already had happened to me.
There was a switch where being a hellion could have happened. I am reading this book "Troubled" now about this kid who grew up in foster care who got abandoned by his parents and then had messed up experiences in foster homes and with troubled adoptive parents. He goes wild and does drugs and illegal stuff as a teen with his friends, he seems kind of popular but he's hanging out with the rough crowd. Later in the book he flies straight after entering the military. I still have some of the book to finish but he became a success. Authority did him wrong and let him down, so he said "Screw it!" Then from what I can tell he got decent role models.
With better health, less autism, less religious and artistic idealism who knows what I may have become. I did develop an edge, it was strongest during my goth days and during my 30s and fundamentalist days, I actually worked to strip it down a bit. I think about the nuts I was around though. I do tend to be anti-authoritarian, I am an outcast from society and see myself as an "outsider" to it. Some may think the latter is more the result of bad mental health but let's be real.
Am I the type to think that newscasters, politicians and celebrities tell me the truth? No way. I don't trust the system obviously. Think there may be a reason for that? Authorities let me down too. This stuff even spills over into religion. I have returned to faith but told a close friend of mine, Jesus always seems nicer and I pray to a Creator God, who I see as being separate from the jerk who runs this place, "the god of this world" is not the good guy. Some call it the Demiurge.
And speaking of God I have already figured out if I am going to have a good relationship with God, I can't follow the god of this world the churches seem to be into who wants to just squish me. Whatever happened to God is love? For any faith to survive, I'm working through this now, if God is just this big bad being that wants to hammer me with his big fists, religious faith will die on the vine. Even now, I am struggling with why God rewarded my family with endless money, children, and status, while I'm ready to be sleeping on the sidewalk. Why couldn't I be an ACON with a career and a little bit of money to not feel like a worm? I could spiritually bypass myself and think things like "It's God's Will for you to be poor and an outcast to society" but what does that do with the burning anger inside over my life's failures?
I've read before that scapegoats can go two ways, they either become very obedient, and compliant out of fear, and make straight As or they become hellcat rebels on wheels. Through high school I was very meek, mild and dare I say even wimpy, the "rebellion" would come later outside the few moments of anger. I was so so quiet. When I met some of my old high school classmates in my early 40s on Facebook, some of us went down memory lane, one said to me, "Oh you were so quiet, we wondered if something was wrong".
I do get mad at myself that I was such a "wimp", all the time. Sometimes even now I think, "You've been silent for 12-13 years, you made it too easy for those bastards! You walked away and her power grew, and she got the whole family!" Maybe every ACON struggles with some fantasies about revenge, but God convicted me to leave them be. It's the better way to go.
Recently I met a scapegoat online who seemed to dish it out back to her family with some success. Her family were not as crafty as mine with some weak spots. I was impressed but inside I had bad thoughts about being a "coward" and sneaking away. I had lost so many times, I arrived at the conclusion, the only way to "win" is not to "play". I have known scapegoats to fight back and lose big, and even one that got driven into homelessness from fighting back. I cared about her, but she got angry at some of my advice about being poor. I didn't deliver enough of the realism with enough nurturance. Also my religious journey emphasized not seeking revenge though I rejected all the forgiveness of reprobates nonsense.
Inside, I still think, "Why did my mother have to win?" She never went without a dollar. She had a loving adoring family by her side. I remained the "evil one" who left. She doesn't have to worry about ending up on the sidewalk. She never will have one shameful moment worrying about how her shoes are too old, or not having the right clothing. She won't need friends to buy her groceries.
Why do narcissists do so well? Why do they always seem to "win" especially in American society. America is a system where narcissists/sociopaths and psychopaths succeed and rise to the top. One in five CEOs are full blown psychopaths. My family never went without a dollar they wanted including my mother. There were no tears or being the deer in the highlights, as poverty was rolling to crush you like a stone. They know how to connive, manipulate, use people like puppets on a string. Many people have noticed and it's a problem that ones who even desire the duties of authority now, many of them, seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum. Why are there so many Cluster B people in charge?
Once this friend said to me, "You are a warrior!" She was impressed at my rejection of Covid tyranny and my writing about it, and my being so forward at times. I don't feel like one often, I'm being pummeled down by this crap body and having no money. Some of us have to fight to just stay alive. There's a reason Fat Pat is wearing the boxing gloves. If I hadn't fought back at all, I wouldn't be here.
My views of authority have been influenced by my life's journey. When authority is negative, and not loving, you are going to question it more. I wasn't the type of child to do what I was told without question. I often was afraid of authority but I also rebelled against it at times too. No one hugged me. I was considered a burden, a bother, and was invisible. Why would I have a positive view of authority? Authorities at home were busy ignoring me, hitting me, locking me in my room, making insane demands and showing no moral fiber.
For many authorities who did not want to harm me or who did things "right", I was neutral. If a teacher gave me crumbs of love or attention, they probably had an accolade for life.
With teachers I would oddly either become the teacher's pet, or would be rejected by the teacher giving me a hellish year. I got sent to the principal a lot by the ones who didn't like me. However some teachers were like my best friends, I'd clean all their erasers, help them collect and make dittos, do bulletin boards and even with a few closer ones, talk for hours. I was one of those children, adults would befriend on rare occasion.
I realized with doctors, if they were nice, and listened some, then it could be a very positive relationship. If they didn't, it wasn't. This applies to today. Most I have are decent now. I consider my rheumatologist as the guy who is ignoring me now but I would say 80% are listening to me. With teachers, it could go 50/50, if I liked the subject they taught me, then that helped. With professors, most professors I loved, it was kind of strange. I have an attraction to people who are smart and who I can learn from. Some professors were awful, I could tell who was phoning it in, or not doing their job but most were good.
With bosses, if they were neutral and not insane, I could be okay. Some bosses were horrible and corrupt though, we always had problems like my family teacher supervisor who I witnessed filling a truck full of meat from the group home's budget to have her own barbecue. Whistle-blower personalities and narcissists out on the make are like oil and water. Sadly the jerks wanting power, are more likely to rise to the top.
I never trusted cops, my fear of cops was never understood by friends. I always got nervous when they drove by us. I've never been arrested or in jail so some friends have found this weird, but cops made me nervous. They had a lot of power to ruin your day. I would tell people "Never talk to cops, even if you are innocent! They'll railroad you!" My father gave me that advice, "Keep your mouth shut and don't say anything until the lawyer gets there!" It's kind of weird, he gave me this advice to begin with, maybe he thought I was going to do big time rebellion entering the criminal world from smacking me around constantly. I watch all these crime videos and see people spazzing out to fight the cops. I think they are dumb, unless you are being choked to death, it's better to stay silent and then get lawyers to do your fighting for you.
Some may think why is a law abiding person thinking about stuff like this? Well being a scapegoat is FALSE accusation land, I suppose it gives us a different look on cops and courts. My brother always seemed like he was going to jail, and my mother always was bailing him out. This included charges of domestic violence and some snafu related to checks, that he told me was a "misunderstanding". He never seemed to fear these arrests because my mother was always there to bail him out. It was really strange to me. I knew if I ever got in trouble, there was no way she'd be helping. She'd pay for his lawyers too to fight his ex-wife over endless matters.
Many people say autistic kids stand against injustice a lot. We analyze everything, being told, "Because I said so!" doesn't quite cut it for analytical Aspies. I would rebel against authorities I thought were "stupid" or gave inane rules that made no sense. Working at the group home was hell, because a lot of rules made no sense and the kids were too dumb to keep their mouths shut even over something as little as giving them an extra hour of TV a day. They expected them to be automatons while forcing an even dumber script on the workers there, in addressing their bad behaviors. This often put me at odds with my bosses there. "This system doesn't work!", I'd say to them. "These kids consider this a joke and just manipulate this fake system." This didn't make me too popular.
As an adult, I'll obey authorities, pay taxes etc. However I know some unjust laws or ones that threaten my bodily autonomy like vaxx mandates, I won't obey. There are hills I will die on, and that's one. So many friends got sick from the vaxxes, there's a low hum of anger for me everyday. Maybe it's easier for people in denial or don't realize what is going on. Democide pisses me off.
As a child I got into this song A LOT. I listened to it on repeat on a tape. The line "We don't need no thought control" was a line I remember really being focused on. Life with abusive parents really made me turn to Pink Floyd.
Sometimes I do wonder how a society raised on so much authority questioning arts like this song to Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia fighting the Empire, has become so authority loving nowadays? Us ACONs had cruel teachers [in our homes] from day one, we couldn't do anything right. Some of us fortunate got nice teachers later, but woe to the kid with monsters at home and at school!
I had a strange visceral reaction to seeing the movie "The Wall", I was a little bit tipsy having nipped at wine cooler on the way over to the hall that was showing the movie in college. My way there consisted of some dark woods since I lived in the more isolated freshman dorms. The murder that made us all more careful didn't come until my sophomore year.
The scene with the actor groping at the wall, hit me hard. It seemed to represent my life. [54:59]. There's another scene where Pink the suffering rocker, tries to call someone and the phone rings over and over. This scene made me feel so lonely I burst out in tears. No one was around me fortunately. I stumbled out of the movie, and walked back to my dorm crying the whole way.
College brought some odd moments like this. I almost dropped out that first year, friendless, but it was worse being home to be abused by my parents. There were too many sad weekends where all my dorm-mates went home, I didn't have friends there anyway and it took a toll. This movie affected my view of authority. Back then, American in the late 80s was still seen as "free place" Maybe I felt what was coming. Maybe I had spent too many years under the "lock-down" of narcissists. The desolate dorm over the weekends was better than going home and there was time to spend working in the cafeteria feeding the other students who didn't go home.
One problem for me is I don't trust most authorities in charge now. This doesn't mean, I hate all authority. Some of our local politicians and authorities seem okay. I'm not railing against the mayor for instance, but national politicians all seem corrupt to the max. The top dogs seem like raving psychopaths. Is growing up with a psychopath a lesson in how they operate? Remember after no contact, I woke up to their tricks, the smirks, manipulations and all had meaning. I see too many smirks on the face of the ultra powerful. There's too many with their Duper-Delight glee..
I've written enough about their dirty deeds. America is becoming more totalitarian everyday, corruption rules. Look at Sean "Diddy" Combs, another potential pervert is being outed who exploits and abuses people. Evil rises like turds in a punchbowl. Maybe the post-God and morality society is in more danger of the turds taking over. It sure seems that way.
I experienced insane teachings about authority when I was in fundamentalist Christianity. Remember one tenet of very conservative Christianity is that you must OBEY. This includes parents when young, authorities--some pastors make their mincemeat of Romans 13 and God. Quick punishment is to come for any transgressions. There are churches that teach pastors are always correct in the Sheperding movement, my churches weren't in it but pastors were given too much power all over. I had one humble and sincere one, but I realized how rare that was. In those churches you are taught you must OBEY. I got tired of men with full bank accounts and fancy suits, giving me directions on how to live my life. What did they know? Some of them seemed to ignore endless parts of the Bible I read.
Some more independent Christians would find verses like "Obey God rather than man". I quoted that one a lot on my old religion blog.
Many ACONS regret their approach to authority, some regretfully wimp out why didn't I leave? Why was I so weak? why was I so afraid? Why did I sit there and take it until my 40s [in my case]? There's a voice in me that thinks "What a wuss! You let that damn woman conquer you and take your whole family away!" Of course another voice in my head says, "What family?, they are all like her! She can have them!"
I have a online acquaintance where we have talked about hierarchies, he had a childhood like mine. His was a bit more physically abusive, but we both bore the brunt of living with the insane. However both of us experienced extreme abuse. He introduced me to the concept of child intrafamilial torture. This topic is so intense, I haven't even dealt with it on this blog yet. I got the feeling near drownings in the family pool and being locked in my room fit the bill in my case.
Many people who have experienced childhoods like this question authority to the max. I believe America is going into full authoritarian dictatorship which I know is controversial. Soon they will unload vaxx passes on us. They definitely have chipped away at the Bill of Rights and Constitution. Since the NDAA you don't even have the right to a fair trial anymore, they can just shove you in a black box prison.
My online acquaintance is on a board for ex-evangelicals, I wrote about my troubles with churches. He said to me, "you are clearly anti-authoritarian yet you keep wanting to be accepted in a hierarchy for some reason. I’d think about that."
It did give me room for thought.
I noticed as a fundamentalist, the pastors except the sincere one, were always trying to shut me down. There was no room for study. That drove me out. I didn't want life just to be a long list of insane rules and expectations.
One other problem I had in religion, was I always felt I was being "corrected". Nothing was ever good enough the hoops were always being raised. How many grow weary over the years, getting all these promises of economic viability and health for "being a good enough person". When old age started setting in, I felt repressed in fundamentalist circles. I didn't have the status, the grandchildren, the money to earn "respect" so I remained a "baby Christian" in the eyes of many church members who basically told me my misfortunes were rooted in rebellion against God. Wasn't that the foundation of my getting hooked up with Mrs. Curses? I was supposed to remove the demons, face the darkness and renounce all my wickedness and wicked deeds, and fix my woeful life. It didn't work!
Poor upbringings at the hand of narcissists leaves one far more vulnerable to spiritual abuse such as what I faced with Mrs. Curses. I have realized I don't have the relationship with God, that a person should have. God seems nice sometimes, with Jesus being nicer, but often God seems to me an ogre that likes to torture me. Talk about baggage when you feel God "hates you" but then on top of that, you have been taught if you have feelings like that, you are on the way to hell. If there is a good God, it would know my background.
Then I ended up departing from the Unitarian Universalist church, it was just an inverse experience of "not fitting in" or being with the program. I still miss many of the people, the intellectual stimulation and fun moments I used to have there. My husband wants me to go back. I like a lot of the people. The way things changed there were very difficult for me though especially since Covid.
I believe the UU was more open to "misfits" and "freethinkers" in the past but some developments within that church, the new articles and the new political climate in America ruined all this. The UUA became authoritarian too especially since Covid and the left lost its mind. Free-thinking wasn't so acceptable anymore. It was all very difficult to go through. It may take me years to feel right. They don't know the scope of my religious past that some of these troubles are rooted in. I think I'm at a point where I just can't have someone tell me what to believe anymore. I'm done with pastors, gurus, deliverance ministers, and more. I follow Christians online who question the church system and left it.
Sometimes I wonder if my trouble in churches came from this truth....I never was accepted for who I was or loved by my parents, and well, having a group making demands on me telling me I was "never enough", wasn't going to work. I got tired of all the hoop jumping. Maybe ACONS can fall into the elusive trap of always seeking after the accepting "unicorn" of the day you "come home" to find a loving group. One's expectations are too high trying to fill the place of the family that was never there.
Some seem to heal and to find lives. I had somewhat of a life in the 2010s during my happy years in the UU and other community activities. My life is crumbling now but maybe I got a few good years in. Fundamentalism as anyone knows is a high demand religion. I was using the religion to "fix myself" and make my life go "right" but it was failed experiment. My beliefs were sincere but something wasn't adding up.
Authoritarianism of various sorts has high social demands and demands for conformity. It is run by a social hierarchy and if you don't conform to their demands, or openly support then, then status will never be yours. Peer pressure runs the show, and it limits authenticity. The absurd can become normalized if leaders demand it. One reason I believe America is going down a corrupt path, is because we have what Toby Rogers refers to as "bougiecrats", we have this "expert" upper class formed of bureaucrats and professionals. I believe they brought us hell during Covid, and too many consider their word as law, and think they know more than everyone else. One reason people gave in to so much insanity was social pressures. To disobey the order brought immediate censure, punishment and more.
That's life in a narcissistic family. The narcissists in the system hold all the power. The social pressures are never ending from the top. Buck the system, then you are abused or forced out. No contact in many ways is the inevitable outcome for refusing to adhering to the family's value system. In an article this summer, I wrote about how other members of the family are unwilling to buck the system to give the scapegoat any support. Sadly much of human society is based on status and acquiring it.
My mother held the power in my family and still does. Everything revolved around pleasing her. I was nothing to them in comparison.
I believe humanity is in danger from love of status and conformity to the "powerful". Globalism endangers us all because power becomes even more huge and centralized and overweening with few avenues of escape. Many powerful obtain power via dubious means.
We are entering an Orwellian time where too many narcissists and wicked people are in charge, who won't let you sail your own ship in peace, and now have decided to mandate what you say. I am a first amendment absolutist, so don't want to hear terms like "misinformation" ["thought crime"] Ironically that was always one way narcissists functioned in family systems. Certain subjects were never to be discussed and you would be shut down to ask any questions. No criticism or dissent was ever allowed. That very word is triggering to me.
Being a member of the poverty class, we cope with invisibility. Society has no place for us. I wonder about my "connected" family destroying my husband's career, there was just too many "nos" along the way, but just don't know what happened. We are old now. Some friends have helped us recently but my feelings of being a "throw-away" person have intensified.
I think one reason I was the chosen scapegoat is I knew by age 5 my mother was a bad person. I saw right through her. I'm pointing to my screaming mother with a paddle, oddly I drew myself as Lucy from the Peanuts comic all over this sketch book and yelling "Your [sic] Bad!" Maybe that was the first blossoming of having my own thoughts, instead of my mind controlled relatives.
My religious journey has been a very odd one, but even there, I came to a conclusion while it was a human positive to avoid evil and seek to follow God, I was so done with being told what to think and how to be. The fundamentalists definitely had a long enough crack at it. I know toxic parts of religions use dark side of group dynamics. So do narcissistic families.
The narcissists work from the avenue of manipulation, and their whole life is about bending people to their will. The powers that be know you can't just beat people into submission, you got to love bomb them a bit and start passing out gold stickers in kindergarten. In narcissistic families there's no love or cooperation or even relaxed enjoyment of life, everything is competition and inside the mental map a narcissist gives you is a measuring stick you are always running short on.
People in America are taught authorities know best, and that they must depend on authority for survival. They can't live as empowered human beings. The monetary system shows this, the constant control, punishments and scarcity for most is one power and control tool that is used. The money system forms our prison bars. I obviously am someone the system decided not to award with a viable living. The disabled are throwaways sadly told to survive on nothing. More conformity and obedience brings the cash, but then I had the thought narcissists break the rules all the time and get cash, so maybe it's both. Many cheat, lie and grift to rise up in the ranks while others sell out, and rise up. Maybe some good and talented people find their niche too, but I think that's becoming less common.
Get out of line, and you won't make money to survive. I find it funny how some always go on about how the USA is this wonderful democracy, but the job system still adheres to 19th or even earlier century rules and mores. Where's the freedom in that? When you can be crushed like a fly simply for not having enough money.
There's times I think maybe I am too much of a free-thinker to fit in society. Do I want to fit in a sick society that doesn't value what I value? That's one question to ponder.
With ACONS, I believe there is a reckoning, you either submit, or you don't. My article about the scapegoats that betray you are examples of those who submitted. Aunt Scapegoat submitted. The ones that submit become ciphers. Freedom has costs I may write about later. In some ways the scapegoats who never rebel, never grow up. Mommy, Daddy or Grandma always remain an authority. I noticed that, when I looked around at people who were abused and "owned" by their families, I saw 60 somethings still worried about what Mommy may think.
My worse thing with the poverty is the adult functioning it's taken away. It drives me mad inside, the feelings of helplessness and "being punished". I can't even explain to people here, how my desire for money is rooted in just being a self actualized person instead of always being a desperate one. It's so bad, I feel this desire to leave the regular world system that is crushing me.
I'm a "reality theorist" Organic radical, that sees the world very differently from most people. There will always be an "outside factor to that. I also do believe having such an extreme body, where I basically have been a circus fat lady for over 25 years probably has affected my personality too. I wasn't like the super-fat people on My 600lb life either, things were extreme and weird.
I had the weird thought wondering if people who saw through the "matrix" so to speak or sought after outsider spiritualities, included a lot of ACONs with abusive parents. If the world doesn't make sense at 3 years old, you're going to do your best to "figure it out". Being raised by the morally insane narcissists and in my case, I believe a mother well into the psychopathic spectrum, was a crucible that formed a very unique individual. What's the rate of abusive parents among so called "conspiracy theorists", maybe for us the Truman show is exposed early!
People have said as much to me, that I am different. I am not some poser that wants to be "different', I actually am. It's been pointed out to me. Some have said things like "you are a challenging thinker", I always knew pastors found me an annoyance, even my free-thinking iconoclast UU minister of my youth seemed bugged by me, when I wanted to talk to him about intellectual matters. I respected that guy, and even read about his doings later. He got thrown out of his UU church for questioning 9-11. He seemed to have some rare guts.
A life time of suppression where you are not heard, seen, talked too or acknowledged takes a toll. I am driven to write about all sorts of stuff online. while in person, I appear far more "boring". I don't think people realize I have a brain in regular life, except for some of the decent art work or if I am close enough to you to tell you what I really think. How does that change our relationship with authority. We see these people with "power" and wonder how we lack it. Maybe the more ambitious or talented among our lot find it. Do some of us even seek power? We desire connection first and foremost but then realize our lack of power can cost us.
Some of us develop our own moral codes dependent on our values. I'm not saying mine is independent of all outside influences, my own is based on a mixture of the KJV bible, nuns, famous books and authors and a variety of other sources. That's something interesting to think about, ask yourself how and where your own moral code came from. For some of us, God, and the moral code come above authority. I'm fine with an authority if they aren't telling me to do evil things or sell out for them.
Sadly a lot of people who get abused, and this includes a lot of the golden children who get a few rewards like Pavlov's dogs, to think of other people, "I'll beat them down before they beat me". They feed the "meaner wolf"
We all have it in us to turn to evil. Sometimes I worry my own poverty will get to the point, I'll be pushed into the chasm of the "dark side'. Poverty can do funny things to people. Surrounded by enough evil, there's more possibilities of it. There is a verse in the bible where it says "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." 1 Corinthians 15:33. Basically if you hang out with jerks, you are more likely to be a jerk. So here we are surrounded by all these Cluster Bs as young. Sometimes I worry I still get things wrong because I spent decades around people like this. Some can turn to evil, some give in to it, like I wrote in the last articles about the scapegoats who prop up the system and betray those of us who get out. Everyone has their temptations but maybe everyone has this challenge to choose a path of light over one of darkness.
One thing is often abusive authorities will corrupt a person and they'll do it step by step, they start with the small stuff and then break you down. I think this is one reason that my mother hated me, I wouldn't budge on the small stuff. My parents sometimes did tell me to lie, and to cheat. They told me cheating is how you get through and get by. They will directly teach you to be mean to people. All of us in these families viewed our abusers rewarding the "meaner" people in the family. I used to be slapped and told, "You are too sensitive and that disgusts us!" Imagine this, being smacked around because you were too nice or had too many emotions. It wasn't always for pouting or anything like that sometimes they got angry at positive feelings too or feelings of affection for others.
As a child I had a newspaper route. My mother took some of the money, but I saved all my money I could get. My family called me a "little miser". They'd shout, "You should be spending your money!" Even then I knew money was safety. They spent like crazy and practiced no financial wisdom. That's strange to think about, most parents are supposed to teach their kids virtues not vices. I know some kids get the parents who give them drugs and some extreme stuff like that but that often happens around narcissists too. If your first authorities teach you vices, but something in you seeks virtue, it can make a life go very different.
When you are a child you are dependent on adults. So you are kind of stuck with them. However adulthood wasn't this freedom either, especially if you have no money. You have no place, no power, no authority in society.
Some of us ACONSs know we can't go through life fighting everyone nor do we want to. We learn to make peace, to follow instructions, to find decent authorities like positive professors to listen to and let them guide us. However I think there are some ACONs who run out of the proverbial "fucks to give" and become full blown criminals. I couldn't find the cite for ACONs specifically, but there is a definite correlation with being abused as a child and becoming a criminal.
"Being abused or neglected as a child increased the likelihood of arrest as a juvenile by 59 percent, as an adult by 28 percent, and for violent crime by 30 percent.
Many are so abused and beaten down they end up in the criminal justice system which means basically a life surrounded by Cluster Bs. I watch some true crime and prison shows, and while some were born predators some are made predators. There's also the people with some conscience left who end up in justice system who fight back against all authority because of extremely abusive childhoods or extreme poverty. Some of these people can still be reached for rehabilitation.
One thing we do figure out for the malignant narcissists, connection doesn't matter, everything is about the obtainment of power. They don't seek soul mates or meeting of the minds or the "joy" from "seeing" and "knowing" another person. They want power, control, domination. Other people are puppets on a string and they live for that control and yanking the strings. People stay strangers around them. You are a label, a thing.
Everything the narcissist does is about claiming power over other human beings. They want people seeking their approval and this is often the first priority to narcissistic families. All must please them at all times. To be the scapegoat means you are the avowed enemy. The narcissists we have in charge now want to conquer the earth, and terraform it, conquer our souls, and invade the body from within with the "Internet of Bodies". AI won't increase social equality or allow real cures for diseases even that will be all about surveillance. See it improving life? They want to take real art and creativity away too. The malignant don't like the tools of the soul in action.
Those who refuse to be cogs in the wheel are told get in line. We are told we should be punished for having minds of our own. Self will and actualization are suppressed. Maybe for the scapegoat, self-will is the only thing beyond God that will get you out of the prison-cell. One word I have referred to is self-sovereignty . I didn't have to be a little shaking child being told what to do anymore. I think I really grew up, when I thought, "I will be me despite the consequences". Those who never rebel you know become enmeshed with the family. They grow more dependent. They are their slave. They become what they want.
If you grow up around people trying to destroy you where the abuse is never ending, you set up defense parameters. Some therapists point out that these can harm people. I agree some things can be troublesome, many ACONs have a problem with trusting people. This can keep the bad ones away but also the good ones.
However sometimes fire can refine iron and ACONs can develop wills of iron. Let me warn you, ACON abuse breaks a lot of people too. Soul-murderers leave many victims in their wake of substance abuse, suicide, mental and health crack ups. I was nearly destroyed and my disabled body shows the damage I underwent. I had this therapist who once told me she thought I had a will of iron and the Stasi could tie me to a chair, and slap me around and that I wouldn't break. Everyone has their breaking point but I found this interesting she saw me that way.
Our trauma took many of us to the rock bottom, and we see through the system. The wool is stripped from our eyes. We see how many awful people are in power or who grab authority who remind us of our parents. Some of us take things further and question the system. I wonder if there are more numbers of ACONs with alternative political viewpoints or even in the conspiracy theory world? It would be interesting to research. Being a good NPC, who sees the system as benevolent, seems like it would be a lot rarer. The world didn't love us and kicked our ass very young. Take enough knocks, and you know something is wrong with your abusers and the system that enabled them.
My view of authority is probably different than many. I get the feeling many more "normal" people feel taken care of by authority. Their trust is far higher. They remember Mother hugging them and bringing them warm soup. I believe this put people at disadvantage during Covid, as they chose to trust in public health authorities and politicians. Most people see authority in their life as benevolent especially among upper classes. Poorer people know firsthand the corruption of the system, the dangers of the legal and justice system--avoid at all costs to avoid the ruination of your life, and jobs that deny you humanity like bathroom breaks and medical insurance.
As American life grows more dystopian this may change. Some of us have already been abused, crushed and denied a decent life. Anger burns a hotter fire in our hearts at our missed opportunities and realizing what could have been.
Some of us worry today authorities will crush us. I wonder what war could bring to the United States. I believe freedom is being chipped away. I don't like either main political party. The right wing wants to crush me for being disabled, and toss me in the gutter and the left wing, wants to force Covid vaccines on me that would end my life, end free speech, and bring other destruction. Let's just say living in America right now is like living under the tutelage of two insane narcissistic parents. Truth and a better life is not cared about. The most cruel and insane are in charge of the asylum. We all secretly whisper in our bedrooms/living rooms, "they don't care about us" as we watch our economic lives implode.
We are ruled by propaganda and gaslighted to death. I don't want to be a cog in a machine, or just "another brick in the wall". So much of religion backs this up, "do what you are told or hell awaits" on the conservative side of religion but then on the left side of religion, the constant message was censorship and being disenfranchised for asking too many questions and having the "wrong views".
I noticed the message was the same all over..."Conform or die [or be punished] or be outcast to the wilderness". This was life with my family and later life in the world. That said, who wants to fight their way through life? Some may think I'm a rabble rouster. I'm really not. I just didn't want to be destroyed. I just wanted to be left alone. Maybe I asked too many questions and wasn't at peace like I should have been, but I just wanted to get along.
I'm at the age, where doing watercolors at the Senior Center is satisfactory enough as a pleasant time. I leave other people alone so why can't I have the same favor, but in American society they always crush you. They don't leave you alone in peace. They take your money away.
I sometimes wonder did I rebel enough? Was I a wimp? Maybe I didn't conform enough. That can be stew. I still wonder why my mother "won" so much. Even old age didn't even seem to take her down a few notches. I lost my voice. My mother didn't follow the rules either, I doubt stealing my credit card was the only rule she "broke". Many ACONs can worry about being weak, we don't want abused anymore, we don't want to have anyone new "get over on us".
Sometimes I fear I give in too much. I don't see my husband as an authority especially since leaving fundamentalism but sometimes I fear I give in or submit to other people. I wanted to leave here last year, and here I still am "stuck". Our life is crumbling now. I don't want to live here anymore. I regret leaving the town I left 17 years ago. Medical care kept me here. Watching everyone move away and die from there has been sad, and I thought of the lost years with all the far away friends. This town I live in only cares about wealthy tourists, they don't even have decent housing. I have no niche, what'd any authorities ever do for me? Realizing the government wanted me dead as a 'useless eater" during Covid, any illusions about benevolent authorities was broken.
There's times even now I worry about being weak. Disability made me too dependent. I'm tired of being threatened with collections, homelessness, having no food or decent food, and no medicine. I'm tired of loneliness. Have they succeeded in grounding me down? I'll never love Big Brother!
The authorities like my parents don't care. Disabled people get rolled out into the street in their wheelchair too. Social workers only ever told us "No". I struggle with powerlessness in a society where I am very low status. Sometimes I do believe healing is more possible for the ACON if they can acquire higher status or more money. My advice is claim your power within, but this is harder said than done in a society where you may be very low status. If you are a young scapegoat reading this, don't end up like me, focus on the money making, focus on finding a strong community. I will post more about poverty and the scapegoat soon. It all overlaps.
Sometimes this world feels all about control and domination to me. Like I lost the spun of the dial. The colonizers or who David Quinn calls the "dominators" took over. Each generation of slaves whips the next generation of slaves into compliance and it's always the worse and most evil and conniving in charge. This compliance is rooted in unquestioning obedience to any figure of authority using fear, threats, humiliation. My family hated me because I questioned the system. I'm sure they'll obey whatever new tyranny takes over America.
That said subjugation doesn't always come at the end of a cattle prod or whip. Some toxic authorities serve their dash of control with some love bombing or promises to "save" you. Some will tell you, "We will be your new family" or "I will deliver you". This video goes deep into these aspects of "authority". Theramin Trees talks about the influence of algorithms as well. Sometimes the obedience is demanded with a spoon of honey instead of a smack.
One danger for ACONs, is falling for the trap of seeking new authorities, or people who will help "change" things. We can learn from people there's nothing wrong with that but when people seek after those who claim false authority over them it can lead to dastardly things. I made this mistake getting hooked up with the deliverance minister. Religion became a mess to me. While I still believe in God, I'm in a strange phase now long ago weary of philosophies promising Utopias, gurus, pastors, "correctors", and others. I'm kind of in a "Leave me alone" holding space. I'm old, I don't want corrected like a little kid, told I'm not faithful enough or "woke" enough or not doing enough. I still read the Bible and other religious books but I'm tired.
Things are set up for power and control in this society. I read the book Ishmael by David Quinn and it brought me to question why is life especially in America all about domination, control, dominance and conquering? We are all led by carrots on a stick for our entire life with ensuing punishments for not being with the program. Most human beings don't even realize they are in a trap. They trust the system, they think the system is "good", while some of us, I think due to abuse and trauma, faced such extreme things, we woke up one day and realized humanity is in a cage. This system is screwed up. It doesn't bring human happiness. There's a reason I started reading about Prison Planet theories. Something is very wrong with this place. For me personally, there's always been a feeling of I wasn't supposed to be here. Some strong spiritual Christians used to tell me in my rural town, "This world is not my home".
We are told to obey, conform, submit, have the right thoughts, not rock the boat, don't be a dissenter, don't be a whistleblower, don't cause trouble, don't stand out, fade into the wall, submit to your betters, do what they say, do not question.
For those of us [me] who have arrived at an anti-authoritarian view in life, this isn't a comfortable place.
Where do narcissists come in? Malignant Narcissists are the souls that have GAMED the authoritarian system. It works for them. America is especially a system where narcissists/sociopaths and psychopaths succeed and rise to the top. . My family never went without a dollar they wanted including my mother. There was no tears or being the deer in the highlights, as poverty was rolling to crush you like a stone. They know how to connive, manipulate, use people like puppets on a string. Many people have noticed and it's a problem that ones who even desire the duties of authority now, many of them, seem to be on the narcissistic spectrum.
Something is wrong with a society where too many with ill intent rise to the top, and those who hold to conscience and integrity become their victims all too often. Authority has run off the rails here. Some are standing up but it's not easy.
No comments:
Post a Comment