Self respect in this life can come at a cost.
For me the cost is a possible 6 figure inheritance, and having relatives to visit with, talk to, see and be part of my life.
However if the other option means being a "worm" for the rest of my life. Forget it.
I do not want to be abused anymore, looked down on or trashed. I would rather be alone. A friend today told me that I am going to lose my entire family given the path I am going down, and she said, "Do you want to be alone?" I answered, "Yes I would rather be alone." Does that shock some here?
I am being punished for my "rebellion" against the head narc. The smear campaigns are worse then I ever imagined they were. For years I suspected I was hated and disliked even by the ones who smiled in front of me. Well the veil got ripped off a few more recently.
How could I explain to outsiders, that I had to go "no contact" with my entire family without them thinking I was the crazy one? Fellow Adult children of narcissists who have had to deal with a sociopath's destruction of their life do understand.
I told you the story about the aunt, where my only sin, was to ask, "Why did you lie to me about sending pictures and what is the big deal about sending them?"
One thing about narcs, is the slightest challenge will invoke their rage, that aunt hung up on me, but later on she sent her adult daughter who lives with her, after me.
She called a second time, with odd things to present, saying "Are you going to swim in the lake?" over and over. I live near a lake. It does not mean I am rich, but she fixated on it like mad. I had written her cards after an illness and talked to her on the phone a few times though I mostly spoke with her mother and we got along well, or so I thought. The way she said it, it almost sounded like a threat like when mafiosos talk about going to swim with the fishes.
She was extremely hostile and angry. She went into this litany about how disabled people are all bums, and basically told me I am a "lazy ass" who can sit in the house all day. "I see these disabled bums at counters hanging out here!" and screamed about how she has had to work hard all her life "All I do is f**cking work!" and how great I had it laying around the house all day, by a lake.
The jealousy was extreme and psycho. I should have hung up. Add two more to the NC list! I stood up for myself but then she went off topic screaming about how the rest of the family had cast her away. I told her this was wrong. She is a poor factory worker and did not achieve their social standing either. Funny, I doubt she was screaming at any of the narcs. She too saw me as the target to unleash her anger out against.
I reminded her that I had been around and asked her how she was after a work accident which quieted her down some. The odd thing is she screamed about my mother and how dare I question her too. She responded to me, "I don't care about sides, your mother has plenty of pictures." I retorted back, "How am I going to see those as I am no contact with her?" This told me my mother had complete control and manipulation of these two from nearly a thousand miles away. I also suspected strong where all the attitudes about the disabled came from too. I could hear my mother's voice, when she called me a "lazy' and a "bum" for being disabled. Also one asks "What are they hiding to protect photos like they are in Fort Knox?"
Her calls will be screened and ignored now. I get the feeling she was sent as an enforcer of sorts, to shut me up for daring to question her mother even in the most minute of ways. This was ripping off of a veil of sorts in realizing these two who otherwise had been polite to me but defensive of my mother, hated my ever loving guts. I plan to go no contact with them. Our contact had been regular but they live far away. These were the relatives where the granddaughter of the mother of two had not invited me to her wedding. Before then I had no disputes, no nothing. I had not disagreed with them on anything either before outside of my aunt's telling me, "Your mother loves you!"
Then my brother, ignored my birthday. First time ever for him. I don't expect a grandstand band or even a card, but he would call or at least write on a social website always before. Recently I have noticed a pattern that every time he talks with my mother on the phone, he avoids me like the plague. This time to even ditch my birthday.
I wrote him on a social website, and said, "Hey did you forget my birthday?" so I got him to talk to me. I got the "I was busy" excuse, and he went on to tell me my mother was coming from out of state to visit him for the week. He told me, some of what she had told him, that she had sent me a big check--never saw it and she told him she had drove by my apt building and seen my car there. She basically presented herself as the martyred ignored mother to him while telling him lies about sending me a large amount of money and other things. I told him "Do not believe her lies". What else could I do? Even there I know I will be thrown under the bus. He planned to come up this fall which tells me she is going down there instead to isolate me further and turn the 5 years since we have seen each other now into 6-7 years. I don't know if I will end up going no contact with him but it is looking very probable. The relationship is on the edge. I will see if he stands up for me but I expect to be disappointed, he will choose the side his bread is buttered on. She poisons minds against me so effectively.
I am realizing how bad the smear campaigns have been and for so many years. I am realizing how very hated I am beyond the pale. I am realizing many of them are horrible people with violent tempers. The cousin frightened me, I went into "Cool down the Crazy" social worker mode which I can slip into from my past work when I should have been hanging up the phone. I sometimes find myself having thoughts that these people want me to get back in line no matter what. I also know she is conducting smears against me behind the scenes to the extreme. I have to watch my back and I do not think I am paranoid to think other revenges could be sought.
This has been hard to take and recently I have gone into a kind of quiet funk where I do not feel like socializing at all except with closest of friends. My husband has been supportive of me and extremely shocked and dismayed at their odd and scary behavior. He does not understand why my father's family would follow the dictates of my mother so unquestioningly.
I have grown more suspicious that they are hiding something from me or that I am adopted. I think they are terrible people with little honor or kindness. When away from here and acouple discussion boards online, I am trying to clear them from my mind, but I still keep thinking, "What in the hell happened?", "How did it go so bad?" and "What should I do?". I feel scared even leaving the cult still and by the way some of these people have acted, maybe there really reason to listen to some of those emotions. I am going to stay away from all of them. I can't take it anymore. I am realizing too the bad ramifications of such severe abuse and what it did to me on multiple levels. Ollie Matthews was right about getting away from anyone who has a relationship with your narcs.
Even with my father's relatives, saying such nasty things about disabled people that did not come out of no where. I am the only disabled person in the family. There is no empathy in my family. I am seen at fault for every health problem I have ever had, and they all believed her, when she called me a loser and being a malingerer. My disabilities from hearing impairment, breathing problems and more were used against me. Years ago when I first applied for disability being in and out of the hospital, I told my mother, and the first thing she said was, "You want to be disabled so you can lay around the house and just eat?". I can hear her voice through these others.
I suspected long ago this is what was going on, and now I know for sure it is. It is scary when you are forced to face such horrible things. I don't have a family and never did. I am NC you know with 20 people now, two more just got added and one soon to be. I hope people can understand how extreme of a situation I have faced.
Being disabled is not a choice. I can't believe how stupid people can be. Or are they being stupid or just following an agenda.
ReplyDeleteThey are not living in reality either way, I'm glad you are NC and adding to your list.
I think it was sickening what she said to me. I left one part out too, she said, how can anyone be disabled this long and STILL BE ALIVE? That was sick like she wished I had died. I think they are following an agenda. They are not living in reality. Yes the list is being added to. I have learned I cannot trust one person that the narc has contact with even very long distant contact where they see her only rarely.
ReplyDeleteAs tight as me and my sister are, and were all our lives my mother almost drove a wedge between us. I can't explain it and I won't even try, except to say she liked to give relationships a death by a thousand cuts. She just pecked and pecked and pecked and fabricated things allegedly said and done by my sister that were not true until one day like a stepford child I began to see her logic. This may be a surprise to my sister if she reads this, but it's the truth. My mother had me pondering the wisdom of doing to my sister what she had my ex do to us. I couldn't have seen it through. At worst I would have told her I would follow through on her insanity but lied about it. As it turned out, her BS didn't last as long as my sense of decency.
ReplyDeleteI am glad your mother failed to drive a wedge between you and your sister. I know they can brainwash people with their logic. I saw my mother turn the whole family against people easily. I was on the "outs" of it all but watched it with awe. I am glad your sense of decency stood against all this.
DeleteAt the risk of looking like a narcissist apologist, there is no telling what your family has told your brother about you. That said, there is a point when they stretch truth beyond credibility. After that, they are worse than the narc. It was at that point I went NC and started a dialogue with my sister.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I did before I went NC, was try to strengthen relationships, it was a fool's journey. It went no where. I also have attempted dialogue with my brother since going NC. He admits a few things, but then there is a point where he says she really does care and my children need a grandmother. I know in the scheme of things I am not that important to him. I do wonder what has been said about me. I know it is pretty horrible stuff. I knew from this cousin berating me for being disabled to point she did, that they have told major lies about my health conditions. I do feel I warned my brother so conscience is clear there.
DeleteI think because of the money involved, my brother figures he has too much to lose to choose my side, and get away from my mother. I know she too is working on him in that she told him she stood up against his ex-wife. I have nothing to offer on the plate in comparison. It's sad to think that way about a relationship but there it is. I don't want to try that hard anymore and am worn out. I kind of want to ask you how did you succeed with sister, but then I think with the prevailing traits of my family on both sides, it's doomed for failure. You have to have a certain somebody to work with.
DeleteIt sounds like you are like me. Stuck in ruminating mode. It's easy to look back and see how they manipulated you. It's easy to think of ways to have had a better ending. But I can guarantee one thing....at each juncture knowing only what you knew then, there is little you could have done to change the outcome. That was my main point in that "captured rotation" post. That being born to a narcissist dominated family seems to seal our fate from the beginning. Once you are in and have your role assigned it's a tsunami lurking offshore and there is nothing you can do about it now but let it consume you.
ReplyDelete
DeleteI am stuck in ruminating mode. I am "losing" so badly on multiple levels, I can barely take it. My reputation has been destroyed among all these people. I realize too I wasted years trying to win some of them over as well. I have so many regrets right now, I am afraid it's going to wash me out to sea. Thanks for saying that there is little I could have done. It means a lot to me. People underestimate the damage done to one's soul by people like this and how they get so many others to collude with them.
I liked your "Capture Rotation" post a lot. NC doesn't solve these problems and can have its own price. There are times I think it would be easier just to slink back in line and keep my mouth shut but to me this is like selling my soul to Satan and won't do it. I think one thing I am facing is there will be "no justice" in this world and even finding out whatever secret they are holding, or a possible adoption, seems to be fraught with difficulty. Self protection is telling me I am going to have to proceed cautiously on that direction. They are all so toxic with violent tempers, a more quiet fading from the scene is better now. I made the mistake of thinking I could have any conversations or relationships with other family members and I realize now that is going to be impossible except for very LC with distant cousins where I am like an old high school classmate.
I am not going to get back what I lost out on ever and have to accept that. I agree with you about being born to a narcissistic family sealing the fate, for me it cost so much including my physical health, career and more. I tried to change the role they had me in and now know it is impossible. I also faced what was done to me. I can't believe I am this old dealing with this crap to be frank.
One thing I noticed even with these two, is they were totally unable to even see me as the person I am today, it was very frightening. I see that even with brother and in all of them. It is like Tsunami. One thing with NC, there's no justice or vindication. Soul murder by these narcs gets no court trials or prison sentences. I figure my justice will have to come one day from God. NC has been painful for me, but it has been my hold on spiritual freedom and self respect. I know I must not blame myself.
I also know now the head narcs aren't going to let me go so easily which creeps me out considering my advanced age. That troubles me, they can't stand me. Just let me go in peace and leave me alone. Maybe once I am out of the family picture entirely, they will consider me less of a truth-telling "threat" and leave me alone.
I agree with the following...
"No Contact with someone as malignant as some Narcissists are may be swapping one hell for another.
And this is just how it is. I will still be a advocate of No Contact. But I will tell you that turning your back on a narcissist can be just as dangerous as sitting across the table from one."
I am telling myself to forget them. I know after I write today and spend time hiding from the world, I will go about my tasks of the day and try to avoid thinking about them or what was done or the crazy behind the scene games. I know I can't change any of it. They all make me feel crazy, every family member. I think my attempts to have a few family relationships, was a mistake but hey I only wanted what other people have wanted.
Erasing the things they "installed" on our hard drive is next to impossible. I used to record music back in the days of analogue. There was a thing we called "tape saturation"......It was recording a track at too high of volume. You could never fully erase the track that you didn't want to use so if you had good headphones and a good ear it was like listening to multiple tracks all in one go. If you did it on too many tracks it resulted in a lot of tape hiss and distortion. If it was bad enough you had to throw the old tape away and start over. 1" tape was very expensive. My belabored point is that the crap the narcs put in our head seems a lot like hiss that we just can't shake out. And we don't have the luxury of buying new tape.
DeleteI know it is a major struggle. I used to tell therapists, I want her voice out of my head. I think even staying LC for so many years did damage too, I guess they help the earlier recordings stick with later garbage. That is good analogy with the tape recordings. I agree about the "hiss" we can't shake out. This is a time where those science fiction movies about erasing memories sound like a good thing if you could pick which ones!
DeleteMy mother has a very mean and scary voice. She would say, "I don't know why you want to bother your head with them". And you know that's all it took. You stayed away no matter what.
ReplyDeleteIt does play with your head Peeps, be it lies or not, its that person who raised you, controlled you, I really feel for you in this.
Yes my mother said the same about people. I saw her utterly destroy the reputations of others and everyone else followed her bidding. Some out of fear and cowardice but she had the way of turning others to her way of thinking. It does play with your head most definitely. I feel for you that you went through that too Joan.
DeleteIt sounds like your family is very large and close-knit...I can see how that makes it harder for you. My sense of family is really limited, because the narc made sure we rarely saw any extended family. It took me a long time to realise how odd that was - the narc sometimes went to family funerals alone, and we never heard about any other events on his side of the family. It took me a long time to realise he was keeping us isolated on purpose.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can make your brother understand before it's too late. Reading this, I wonder how direct you've been with him - that this is NPD, that it's a personality disorder, that these are the symptoms & that you have to recognise them to survive, that with you gone someone else is going to be her scapegoat now.
I'm sorry you couldn't get through to your other relatives, especially as it sounds like they're suffering from her behaviour too.
Yes some of them are very close knit with one another. I did see extended relatives growing up. it is hrd to be on the outside of that. That is too bad you were excluded when young and even left out of family funerals.
ReplyDeleteI have sent my brother links about NPD, he admitted to me that she thinks she has it, and does not have normal emotions though we differ on the level of malignancy by quite a wide spread. I have told him someone else will become her scapegoat. I see she is working on his ex-wife who was kind of a parallel scapegoat for years. Maybe she is back at her because I've been away. He has told me I am nuts to leave the would be will behind. So I know he is staying on that horse for $$$. He has told me that he still thinks "she cares" so even knowing about NPD, he figures the best thing is to stick with the program and stay in line.
I couldn't get through to the other relatives. Hey I tried. Can't do much more then that. Thanks for your post.
It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this, this meaning the ACON experience. It's just too coincidental how all of our stories match up, and are familiar to us all.
ReplyDeleteIf you are ever up late on a Friday or Saturday night, I bet you will find The Matrix on some obscure cable channel. Next time, try to view it with our story in mind.
Agent Smith is our chief NPD/sociopath (in my case, and in Peep's and others here, it's our mothers). Smith's two cronies are the golden children, who have more access and perks. The process of how Smith and his "golden children" can hijack anyone's mind/body is the slander/virus we have discussed here. Remember the lady in the red dress in the training program, who morphed into Smith pointing a loaded gun in Neo's face. What did Morpheus tell Neo? I'm paraphrasing here, but we can all Google it to find nuggets of truth in Morpheus' message. In short, he warned Neo that unless the others got unplugged from the system, the matrix, they would always be a threat or enemy since they can be hijacked by Smith and golden children. Doesn't that sound like our situation? Unless our estranged loved ones get unplugged from the system, from the mind control of the Narc and all their supporters including golden children and flying monkeys - who are more or less clueless.
The choice: do we, ACONS, take the red pill or blue? Do we want to go back in like cypher/Judas, or cling to truth, and would rather slum it on Morpheus's ship than continued to be exploited, manipulated, controlled, isolated - soul sick? I can tell you this much, it's been 3 yrs NC. I have complex PTSD with Narc abuse triggers and working on getting better. The self-awareness and knowledge is there, but as one of the commenters wrote, that hissing tape is always on in our head. Her voice and ghost always finds me......I'll explain that in next comment.
In my previous comment, I mentioned the matrix connection to the ACON experience. Then I wrote about my mother's ghost. For some reason, I find myself in circumstances where I am around female N, and not by choice. Once I recognize them, I try to stay away.
ReplyDeleteTwo yrs ago, we moved into a charming home with two children under 2 yrs. Before the ink was dry on our contract, we were invited by the old owners to stop by after church to see their livestock that we would be inheriting. She said, "Oh, "Sally" and "Bob", your new neighbors, want to meet you." I noticed Bob had a piece of paper/pen and had asked how we spelled our name. His wife seemed nice but cold. When she asked me what church we attended, she shockingly said, "Oh, you are one of those type of Christians." This woman went to Ivy League at a time when it was deemed well if women graduated from high school - think Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar era. So I was shocked by such a cruel comment. Folks, this was even before we moved in. I could tell she was very beautiful in her youth, but granola-looking - ala Martha Stewart.
For a year in 1/2, I tried to be kind to this new neighbor. There is an older neighbor across the street who lives alone and Sally gets her mail, and takes her to appts, which is noble and kind. When I dropped off a cookie tray to Sally, one of her adult children said, after I said I had invited "Cathy" for Christmas dinner," "Don't invite Cathy, she is so weird." Apparently, Cathy turned out to be one of those Christians too. After Sally's daughter's mean comment, I looked at Sally, and I swear I watched her blue eyes turn the color of gravel, no exaggeration. I kind of jumped b/c I only witnessed that in my mother to date. With her eye change came a smirk across her face. I quickly excused myself. It was that night that I figured her out - Dec 2012, even though up to then she would bombard me in the backyard at every turn asking me why I don't have family who visit, why I have no friends, why I have two air conditioners, why don't I go in the yard enough with my children, what church we go to and it goes on. When she saw my wedding photo on the wall, she said, "you were very beautiful" emphasis on were. She insulted me left in right, never once did she just have a conversation. It was one big game with her. And like my mother and sister, would make all sorts of gross conclusions and assumptions that she would let slip up. Then one day, last fall 2013, I said I was done with her nosey, attacking questions. She is clearly a control freak, nosey narc, fake. She is my mother!
She called me one day and knew we had pulled our daughter from a preschool for a better, more expensive one. Someone at the previous preschool from around the corner had to tell her as we did not. She asked me where our daughter was going and I said I'm not telling you. It's private. This was Nov 2013, the first time I stood my ground with Sally.
Continue....
This confirmed to me WHO Sally really was - a wolf in sheep clothing. In January 2014, I called Cathy to check up on her as it was -7; asked if she needed a mobile heater, extra quilts? This was her response, now as a fellow ACON, who has been to hell and back, you will relate to how disturbing it is to witness two realities colliding - a true reality with the Narc's twisted version of reality: "Dear, I'm fine, but I ask you to be kind to Sally. She is hurting. She said you are being mean to her. Let me pray for you"....Cathy begins praying over my protesting and Sally got me just like that. We all wonder "How" they do it Peep?" For two years, this woman emotionally terrorized me at every chance. I took it and took it, but when she got Into my child's business, I became ice. Not mean, but wasn't able to be controlled, told her NO, which caused Sally "to hurt" that Sally wants to "help me" creating a false reality that I'm over my head or have problems. Like I said, she makes Freudian slips, even my husband catches them.
ReplyDeleteWe had two trees fall on our property in less than two years - cars then roof. Not one neighbor came to check on us, but Sally was there. I stayed inside and had my husband deal with her. There is always a barrier now. The first tree was her tree, that our insurance covered. But God is good. At the same time as the second tree fell, a new job opportunity came up in another state, and we have, as my husbands says, T minus three weeks to go.
Just to clue you in on what I'm dealing with: last week, she walked over to confront our realtor, asking who she was, and why she was there, the. My husband came out of the garage, and Sally went into a fake conversation. Our realtor said she was so rude, and told her she was just visiting us as we have not put a for sale sign in front of our house - wonder why?!?! Then two days ago, she ambushed my realtor while she was about to show our house to a couple. Her ruse was to bring us a bag of dead-looking veggies, and realtor said it was very obvious she was spying. She even said I was under "surveillance." Sally has never brought us produce from her garden in two years we lived here. So for the next two weeks I got to dodge this woman.
My husband concurred she's a controlling N, and said that I bother her b/c she can't dominate and control me like she did with Cathy, and the lady who lived here before us. He said she knows I got her number.
This has been my life - a series of run-ins with N's who take off where my mother and sister left off. I mean what are the odds I would move right next door to one?
I am glad you are moving away from Sally, sorry she got a proxy and flying monkey in on the mix. She seems like a nosy one too. I hope you all will remain safe and can move away quietly without any trouble. I would make sure not to tell other neighbors where you are moving. Many ACONs we run into narcs elsewhere in life. You ever watch the English show Keeping up Appearances, I wish Hyacinth's nervous neighbor would tell her off, but it puts out that whole Narc neighbor thing. I tend to be one that avoids neighbors on purpose who live right near me, wanting my home to be a complete escape hatch.
DeleteDear Peep, As for the friend who asked, "Do you want to be alone?the answer is, you've always BEEN alone! By not disengaging, one is actually 'covering' for the n: giving them the momentary benefit of the doubt, not burning your bridges just in case....This empowers them to play the same sick game Unto Death. Please find Styx on YouTube and sing along to I'm Sailing Away. :-) I'm sure there are ALOT better anthems but it works for me today! Much love to you on your great adventure.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the anthem selection. You are right I always have been alone. Most of the family members don't even notice I am alive, even the "nice" ones, I mean very little too. The NM made sure of that. I don't feel like knocking on their doors either. Yes you cover for the N staying in contact with them I agree. I am accepting I never really had a family and have thought about how horribly I was IGNORED.
ReplyDeleteToo bad that I don't have a time machine. You know that old saying if I knew then what I know now!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a time machine and could go back in time and escape and make very different choices. Even if I knew I had lipedema, I could have steered life in a far different direction.
DeletePeep and fellow ACONS who visit here: my husband was contacted a few days ago by a cousin of mine via a social media business site, asking my husband to forward his email. He referred to me as "our girl" - meaning his and my husband's, and referred to our lg family of origin as nutty at the same time as letting us know there was and I quote "a mega family event" he was on his way to, how he wished we were there, maybe some day he wrote.
ReplyDeleteThis is the line that most peaked my interest. And Peep, fellow truth-seeker and teller, will understand my curiosity to reach out, but my instinct tells me it's a trap. This is what he wrote: " X" - meaning me - "deserves to see and hear some things." My heart dropped within my chest. How I long everyday for someone, anyone, to come forward with the truth - that other reality or false realty my N's spew that will eternally confirm my decision for NC was a sound one. I think part of the ACON experience is self-doubt. The autobiographic memory was developed as a way to extinguished the doubt, shame and guilt they like to tatoo on us for life.
My wavering doubt frustrates everyone in my life, especially my husband and brother, NC 9 yrs. he yells into the phone "you never had a family. It was all a lie. Stop trying to figure out evil. You will never figure them out b/c you are not evil." Boy, does NC brother get furious with me.
Cont'd
sounds like the cousin, is being sent as a flying monkey proxy. Be careful of those sorts. He sounds like he is trying to get you to open up. I think it is a trap. They are experts at using our emotions against us. Mine doesn't feel nostalgia for instance and well the whole picture saga besides to hide stuff was to make me suffer. I agree we experience self-doubt, that is what all the gas lighting does. LOL about your brother. I am glad you have a brother that has seen the truth. I don't think we can figure out evil. He may have your best interests at hand even if he gets frustrated.
DeleteIn Proverbs, it talks about how universal man can bear his illness, but a broken spirit who can bear it? That's what the ACON experience has been to me - walking around with a constant ache in my soul. The pain is overwhelming at times, and hard for non-ACONS to understand, like my husband. He is very successful due to his focus. Although my husband was bullied in school, he would overcome being a victim, and go on to be extremely successful and a subject matter expert in his field. His faith in God and having normal, loving Christian parents and grandparents buoyed his bullying experiences. But what if he had parents who tried to sabotage him, isolate, exploit, manipulate, confuse, scapegoat, and dealt with school bullies to boot. I very much doubt, but by the grace of God, he would be where he is in life.
ReplyDeleteWe've all walked on a journey few know about. Whenever I hear of someone committing suicide, I start looking for the Narc in their life/family like Nancy Motes (classic scapegoat case, Julia Roberts sister) and most recently, Robin Williams. Read about his childhood, screams NPD parents.
ACONS are set up for life long abuse. Who would have ever thought in a million years I would move next store to one (Sally). For me, it is only continual female Narc run-ins since it's a multi-generational crisis in female relatives. We are drawn to what is familiar. The men in my life were far better, but more apathetic, non-narc.
I've had my car egged by female friends, the mean girl experienced played over and over, Narc co-workers (2-face, fake, break confidences), even had two bridesmaids steal from me on my wedding day - also could have been my Nmom - who witnessed them steal it - didn't know who to believe. Still don't.
I agree about the broken spirit. I know it is inside me too. It's like my soul has a huge dent in it. There is always a spirit of sadness inside me and the pain is hard. I am glad your husband is successful and has good focus. Yes people can overcome adversity with good outside support, we ACONs know the bullies look for ACON prey. I doubt too he would be where he is in life as well if he did not have those early supports. I feel 25 years behind in life functioning with the Aspergers and history I have, I am figuring out stuff an early 20s should be figuring out.
DeleteI think narcs do a crap load of soul murder. One aunt I strong suspect, [well the priest refused her burial almost in the Catholic church cemetery] of suicide. She had been divorced and had money problems even with children, having life troubles among narcs is hell on earth. I certainly know. Nancy Motes seemed like the throwaway daughter and Tiffany Sedaris too who I wrote about on this blog. I should read more about Robin Williams childhood, wonder if he had to become funny to please them and give them lots of narc supply.
Yes they set us up. I think about how abused I was at jobs and elsewhere. I know it has taken years to get over this stuff. Even now I told two friends at a support group, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, when we were discussing negative thinking. I said life has given me too many bad things. This doesn't mean be miserable 24/7 but I find being positive very hard at times. I am glad you did not deal with narc men. The mean girls especially in the workplace went after me more times then I can count. That is horrible about the bridesmaid, maybe your NM helped them steal it for all you know. Don't put anything past these people. Hope things go well for you and knowledge can help us both in knowing what to avoid in narcs and the red flags that denote their presence.