Hoovered by an Ex-Friend This Week

I got hoovered by this one ex-narc college friend last week.  When I woke up about the narcissistic abuse of my family, I woke up about the abuse of some other parties. I ended several previous "friendships". She was one who was a workaholic and choose her career over everything else. It was strange because we really had nothing in common anymore. Even value wise, she was opposite of me. This was a spiritual division too as well as a running from narcissist's division as well. I answered the phone by mistake.  I have Caller ID to screen calls but did not recognize the number right away.

What was interesting to me is I was not bound up in the usual ball of guilt, I just told her, it is best we both move on and I cannot trust her and got myself off the phone. She told me "But I miss you". She said some other weird stuff I won't go into here, but let me just say my worse suspicions are being shored up. Inside I thought, "You already had your chance, and second chance and third." 

Someone who will betray you around other people even strangers on Facebook, is someone you can never trust again.  Some relationships, they will treat you different one on one, instead of when other people are around. One red flag all ACONs should watch for, is if someone makes you feel devalued in front of other people run like hell! You probably have a narcissist on your hands.

 I realized she saw herself slumming with the likes of me. She comes out of an extremely wealthy family--her father is a multi-millionaire, and their connections have helped her in her career.  Just like my family, nepotism served them to great ends but it was interesting to notice who benefited and who did not.  Narcissists do not have bonds of love or true friendship with you. For years I would have told you I believed this person cared about me and I did her, while I was in the fog.

She betrayed me during some of the toughest times of my going no contact with my family and betrayed me over my adoption search. It is strange to me that she would find me so desperate that I would be go running back to her, it's been 18 months since I cut ties.

There's other immense trust issues as she became a flying monkey via proxy, seeming to defend my family who she only met once or twice when I was in college at every turn. I know the friendship died for this one reason to me, I went no contact with my narcissists and she has stayed in contact with a family she told me for years was abusive to her. I changed in ways she could never comprehend and in some of that change was ways I changed in what I would put up with. I also realized a lot of the vulnerability she showed me was completely feigned.

We met in college and were long distance for years. I actually had not seen her in person since 1993 and as time progressed I got a clue, she never was going to visit me even with the ability to do so, and I lacked the funds and health for the travel from my side.  There was one point where I said, we should see each other, it's been so long, "Come for a visit!" and she told me I should be able to Greyhound it for three days which I knew even one day was impossible. This reminded me of the time my brother told me, he would come visit if I sent him a thousand dollars. Normal people who do feel love and connection for one another, do want to see each other.  For some health, and money problems make travel impossible.  There are close internet friendships where people have never seen each other in person but this was a warning sign as well.

After I was away from my family, I realized how much she made me feel like THEY DID.

We talked on the phone several times a week for years, pouring out troubles and talking about life to each other. It is strange to me sometimes that I have such a new view of since I spent years talking about personal things with this ex-friend but there were red flags long ago. Sometimes she would call me 8 times in a day if she was upset or needed help with something. She seemed to think because I was disabled, I was supposed to serve as the "on call" counselor.

Now I can make the mistake of talking about too many problems to friends so I was very forgiving of this, but in the last few years, I was getting physically worn out and found myself sometimes ignoring the phone. As I got older and sicker, she seemed to minimize my health problems and would tell me she had horrific health problems but I always came to this point, "Well if you can still work, you're not that bad off."

She would complain and talk about her job. I felt weird because I hadn't worked in years and she was skyrocketing with promotion after promotion even though she told me on the phone everyday she was about to be fired. I could not relate to her work problems.  Her words and attitudes were of feigned vulnerability and bosses ready to strike her down while her actions and results were of a hard-bitten careerist and one who never failed to get a promotion or a dollar.

Looking back I find it strange she confided things in me but I did not know yet about the concept of narcissistic supply. I remember telling her there are more things to life then just work and jobs more then a few times. Today I seek to avoid workaholics, the type of life I have and what I value does not match theirs.  I do believe my family set me up to seek after cold success oriented people, after all success was everything to my family even though their worlds definitely did not mesh with a woman who has been disabled for 20 years.

I no longer wanted to take crumbs from people who really did not care about me. It did hurt a lot facing facts, that with my family, they never truly loved or cared about me. Facing this fact, took some years of processing. I still have asked "Why?"

I do see my family and the treatment I was trained to take, as the reason I was in this friendship I ended too. In other words, my mother and her co-narcissists set me up for a negative pseudo friendship where I was just worthy to be there, for someone who barely noticed my real existence. That's why I never got any visits. That's why the friendship was false, I was just the "Lazy Boy" in the corner as the above meme states. So when she called me, I felt that resignation. Discovering the truth about this friendship was very difficult. Sometimes I have asked myself, "How was I so blind?" You think even of the lost years spent on families who don't love or care about you but it can feel the same of false friends too.

Diet Programs are Snake Oil

Language warning on this one, but she's right, they have known since the bleeping Eighties that diet programs don't work. The statistics about heroin addicts having more success are interesting.

I like what she says about the limits of will-power. Will-power is what they use to beat up on fat people all the time as if everyone had unlimited will-power and that is all it takes. Will power runs out. You know how some people start off the first period of time all gung ho on a diet, and it's even exciting but after some days, you are tired of feeling sick, and hungry and thinking about food. I'm happy when I can stop thinking about food and diets always used to make me focus on it more and "What do I get to eat?" She is absolutely correct about the limits of will-power.

Jordyn Duggar: Little Lost Girl

I've always considered the Duggar parents [remember they are the ultra-fundamentalist Dominionist family with 19 children on TLC to be narcissists. Here you see the mother, Michelle Duggar with one of her youngest daughters, Jordyn. You can tell the girl, is thinking, "Who is this lady?" What kind of a bond can someone with 19 kids really form with each one?

 In this girl's case she seems to be the one who lacks a bond with either parent. She may fit the "lost child" criteria spoken of on some ACON boards. This is where a child is not singled out as a scapegoat or as a golden child but simply IGNORED.  It's scary how Michelle Duggar as she destroys her children's futures and offers them no real education, always praises the daughters for "being good helpers" and never knows anything specific about them.

Those children became trophies to be shown off.  I notice "Mommy" has the fancy "Christmas lights"  necklace on, while Jordyn's clothes on her own birthday are much more plain. Jordyn is one girl on the show that always looks sad. Us, ACONs can definitely relate to that emotion. When children are objects to narcissists it shows.

Whitney Thore is Pregnant Supposedly

I watch My Fat Fabulous Life to post on it here, and don't consider myself a supporter of it. Last night's show was crazy even for scripted reality TV.  The show ended with Whitney Thore having a positive pregnancy test and also she told radio people she was interviewing with that she was pregnant. She's got TLC money and a house now, but how will a baby will fare with a mother that is so much into getting attention and acts like a teenager into her 30s?

 It bugged me when she said, she missed birth control pills and wasn't responsible. One can ovulate on rare occasions even with PCOS. I doubled-up on the birth control myself for years knowing I could not take care of a baby and health-wise I had been told by three doctors pregnancy would kill me. I was also taking Spironolactone for 15 years back then for PCOS, hormones AND congestive heart failure, and birth defects are so serious with this drug they require you to be on birth control while on it. I don't know if she is on that drug, I doubt it, but I know of two other women with PCOS assuming they could not get pregnant who didn't use birth control properly who got pregnant like her.

I had to go off birth control as I got older which most women have to do. I had the nightmare of regular periods returning after nearly 30 years, before I needed birth control or Provera to even induce or "have" a very light period. This unsettled me quite a bit. In fact four-five years ago doctors told me, after doing blood tests that I was in menopause! When periods came back and they were almost every month, doctors all made me get tests to make sure it wasn't uterine cancer but nope it was periods. Yes this confused me very much. My gynecologist told me to be careful of getting pregnant even though I was dealing with very low percentages considering my own PCOS and advanced age.

I believe doctors need to tell women with PCOS to use birth control just like they are normal women and to hedge their bets. I hear about too many getting pregnant who forgo birth control because they think they are completely infertile. If you read through my past posts, when I speak of my own infertility, I always wrote "almost infertile".  Doctors are setting up PCOS fat women for unwanted pregnancies if they don't make sure they understand the facts here.

That said, Whitney's choices in life bother me. There's a weird set up in the show, where her and her roommate are caught naked together by her parents, and supposedly she is getting a "massage" and comes racing out in a sheet. She risks pregnancy in bad relationship where the man has no commitment to her, or promise of marriage or marriage. From the start, I thought that guy just wasn't that into her. I don't want to sound judgmental because I know birth control can fail and it takes two to make a baby, but there definitely was a lack of responsibility here. She's kind of the TLC spokesperson for fat women with PCOS, now super-sized fat women and her narcissism and irresponsibility isn't helping our cause.

I find myself hoping she isn't really pregnant, and this is just a reality show ploy. 

Calling People "SnowFlakes"

I saw this discussion on an ACON message board, and I agree with it.

"I just want to discuss the newest buzzword I see everywhere around me.
"Snowflakes"
Sometimes accompanied by "Special" making it "Special snowflakes".
I see it everywhere and it is so demeaning and triggering for me. This term is typically being thrown at people who are voicing an opinion or speaking with empathy about a subject, and it just kills me to see people throwing this around. It's just a stab at you to say "Hey, you, with the feelings. Yea you. You don't deserve to have them because... NEWS FLASH, you don't matter."
I just want to say to everyone seeing this awful name, you do matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter. And when someone calls you a "special snowflake" for voicing your feelings, it is because they are insecure within themselves and are desperately seeking to make their reality feel safe for them at your expense because your feelings threaten their sense of self.
You are special snowflakes, but in that you are beautiful individuals, you are valid, and you are an important part of the whole snowfall."

"Snowflake" became a sneering term on many "Conservative" and "Alt-Right" websites. They seemed to lob that one at millennials a lot. It is used to shut up very economically oppressed millennials. "What do you mean you actually want a job that pays the rent, shut yer trap, you whiner and weakling!" is the whole message behind this term. While some take identity politics too far, how does it help, for "snowflake" to be used as a term to call someone "weak" and "whiner" and to invalidate their feelings.

I've noticed a Hunger Games hatred of emotions that is growing in our society.  This term is from the "Buck up or Die" Brigade and growing in way too much popularity. It is a sign of growing narcissism in society when people are told "You are so weak!" in various ways whenever they express emotions or concerns.

The Importance of Small Pleasures

Small pleasures always has kept me going. This is where I talk about how all the competition of our society is destroying joy in life. I'm dirt poor though we did manage to pay the bills this month. Really when I am broke, I miss some of the little things money can buy, but then I try to find FREE small pleasures like hanging out in the park, going to sit on the beach, and taking the bus to the library. Today my small pleasures will include going to this community church dinner where they will give us chili, and maybe drawing a cartoon or two. I need to call two friends too which if it doesn't happen today will be tomorrow. When sick in bed try and enjoy some youtube videos, or a free magazine from the library. The "competition" of pleasure like on Facebook in a way ruins it, where people "compete" for the "best vacation", and the "greatest time" I had. Sometimes the smaller stuff counts the most.

Exploring an Abandoned Vintage House

I've posted other videos of people exploring abandoned houses and cabins, but this is one of the most interesting ones I have seen. It's a huge old house in Mississippi and it looks like the people who lived there were very elderly and had grandchildren or great-grandchildren in the 1980s. The roof has caved in and one wonders if they became too poor to do upkeep on their home. I am sure this place would be a mecca for antique scavengers.

Self Diagnose Successfully

Self Diagnose Successfully

This is a really good article, outlining how to diagnose yourself and get the doctors to wake up. I should know, it took 17 years to find out what was wrong with me.

This blog was started to help me get down to the bottom of the whole mess. For years, I suspected out and out Cushings and while I was diagnosed with pseudo-Cushings in the vast endocrine array it was only one problem under the Lipedema stage IV umbrella. There is actually a Facebook website where one researcher is researching the multiple autoimmune diseases linked to Lipedema. I joined it, because it is the story of my life.  It seems us serious stage Lipedema people or Dercum's folks get other autoimmune diseases. Welcome to my psorasis, hyothyroidism, impending deafness etc, etc world. This website helped me feel less alone. Especially when some may ask, what isn't wrong with you?

I have a "new" problem to diagnose.  The doctor seems stumped by it and told me to have the dentist check things out but I keep getting these horrible mouth sores.  These aren't minor canker sores but repeating mouth sores that hurt so much, they can keep me up at night, and even bring tears to my eyes and last for days.  When the mouth sores come, I get very fatigued. They were really bad during one bout of flu in December but returned in full force last week.  I've had chills on and off all week and this extreme fatigue that is worsening. It probably was one factor in my fall.

 They are so bad that when I went to the dentist,  I had them do a cancer screen and they said they didn't find anything. The regular doctor diagnosed thrush but since drinking bottles of Nystatin seem to do little, and a diflucan dose, I'm wondering about other things. Along with the fatigue, chills, and sometimes waves of nausea that isn't as extreme, it seems to be getting worse. The mouth pain is never ending.   My tongue is very scalloped and large and is turning light white, but not the white "growths" of thrush. I ate some orange and vegetables, but my diet has sucked from being dependent on food pantry food, and took multivitamins in case it was a nutritional problem. The mouth sores crop up on the back of the tongue and the side of my mouth.

More and more people do have to diagnose themselves and research things. I do not know why medical schools have churned out doctors whose patients have had to seek self-diagnosis or taken years and years to figure out anything rare.  Nowadays you do have to research and find out what is wrong.

MSG Blues: Lab Rats Are Fattened Up Using MSG

I wanted to rerun this article, wow it's from 2011....

But considering what is happening in China and modern Western food fattening everyone up, it takes some looking into. I don't buy their lies that everyone has suddenly gotten lazier and wants to eat everything in sight. The food sucks!

I had this creepy thought, maybe they want to fatten everyone up so they have to slave away to lose weight, and they will make better "serfs" they don't have to feed as much.

Well read on.....

As I have written earlier on, when I eat something with MSG in it, I get sick, that means not being able to eat at any restaurant but two in the area and paying a heavy price. If I went to Burger King now and ate a chicken sandwich, I would be sick within hours. For some time I have wanted to share this article. I do not agree with everything on the website, but this article definitely brings up some questions. I have noticed MSG is in just about EVERYTHING that is processed I can barely avoid the stuff. Why?

MSG is POISON

I wondered if there could be an actual chemical causing the massive obesity epidemic, so did a friend of mine, John Erb. He was a research assistant at the University of Waterloo, and spent years working for the government.

He made an amazing discovery while going through scientific journals for a book he was writing called "The Slow Poisoning of America"(1). In hundreds of studies around the world, scientists were creating obese mice and rats to use in diet or diabetes test studies.

No strain of rat or mice is naturally obese, so the scientists have to create them. They make these morbidly obese creatures by injecting them with a chemical when they are first born. The MSG triples the amount of insulin the pancreas creates, causing rats (and humans?) to become obese They even have a title for the race of fat rodents they create: "MSG-Treated Rats" .


MSG?

I was shocked too. I went to my kitchen, checking the cupboards and the fridge.



MSG was in everything! The Campbell's soups, the Hostess Doritos, the Lays flavored potato chips, Top Ramen, Betty Crocker Hamburger Helper, Heinz canned gravy, Swanson frozen prepared meals, Kraft salad dressings, especially the 'healthy low fat' ones. The items that didn't have MSG had something called Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein, which is just another name for Monosodium Glutamate. It was shocking to see just how many of the foods we feed our children everyday are filled with this stuff. They hide MSG under many different names in order to fool those who catch on.

But it didn't stop there. When our family went out to eat, we started asking at the restaurants what menu items had MSG. Many employees, even the managers, swore they didn't use MSG. But when we ask for the ingredient list, which they grudgingly provided, sure enough MSG and Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein were everywhere. Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy's, Taco Bell, every restaurant, even the sit down ones like TGIF, Chilis', Applebees and Denny's use MSG in abundance. Kentucky Fried Chicken seemed to be the WORST offender: MSG was in every chicken dish, salad dressing and gravy. No wonder I loved to eat that coating on the skin, their secret spice was MSG!

So why is MSG in so may of the foods we eat? Is it a preservative or a vitamin?

Not according to my friend John. In the book he wrote, an expose of the food additive industry called The Slow Poisoning of America, www.spofamerica.com, he said that MSG is added to food for the addictive effect it has on the human body.

I wanted to see if there was truth to this MSG rats thing. {Hey always double and triple check things for yourself} They even tell you do that on this article:

If you are one of the few who can still believe that MSG is good for us and you don't believe what John Erb has to say, see for yourself.  Go to the National Library of Medicine at  www.pubmed.com.

Type in the words "MSG Obese" and read a few of the 115 medical studies that appear.

We the public do not want to be rats in one giant experiment, and we do not approve of food that makes us into a nation of obese, lethargic, addicted sheep, feeding the food industry's bottom line while waiting for the heart transplant, the diabetic-induced amputation, blindness, or other obesity-induced, life-threatening disorders.

With your help we can put an end to this poison.

Do your part in sending this message out by word of mouth, e-mail, or by distribution of this printout to your friends all over the world and stop this "Slow Poisoning of Mankind" by the packaged food industry.

Blowing the whistle on MSG is our responsibility, so get the word out.


Well I went to PUBMED and did a search for MSG and OBESITY.

Guess what it DOES MAKE THE RATS FATTER. Click on these pictures below to make them larger and see the sentences I have highlighted, you will be astounded!!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is another one, there is MANY MORE.

If it does that to RATS, what does it do to Humans?

and why is so much of our food having MSG added to it?

What foods have MSG in them.

Now there is some naturally occuring glutamate, but I know things are much more serious when this stuff is being added in and at far higher levels.

Just think about these things...

and yes they use MSG to fatten the rats up...[that one isn't even negotiable]

I of course suspect that some are more suspectible then others....

so why is this happening?

Falling Down

Yesterday I fell down in my apartment complex foyer. It was very embarrassing. I was crying a bit about being "stuck" on the ground. One neighbor saw me and watched me roll around a bit trying to get up with husband's help but I just could not do it. He went to go get help, and she stayed there with me. My husband came back and then I saw three neighbors walking by and two were strong young men, so both of them helped to get me up with my husband too and I avoided having to call the paramedics. I was on my knees and they lifted me up from that position as I hoisted myself up on a chair.  I always wanted to buy one of those emergency lifts  as seen above in the video for these situations but have not been able to afford one.

 It is very scary when you can't get up from the ground once you are there. It is one of the worse things about severe obesity. Add in weakness and balance problems and it can be a mess. I tried to catch myself in this fall, and remember being worried about my hearing aids falling out, as I lunged over my walker.

This is the first time I have fallen on the ground since 2012/2013. Those falls were a lot worse. I've had a few near misses but I switched to using my walker to prevent falls. So far it has worked. The problem was a floor mat that was bunched up which I did not notice, my foot caught it and my husband could not warn me in time.  The walker caught me so I went down much slower then usual. After the two falls in 2012, I could barely walk and hurt my knees, this one I could walk afterwards and was not injured except for a few bruises.

The Fattening Up of the World In China

As I have written on this blog for years, ever notice when American food is exported obesity comes with it? The food additives are making people fat. It is not like everyone decided "Oh I am going to overeat and become fat" Now that Chinese children are becoming fat too, something is really wrong.
So is China going to go the way of America, becoming "body conscious" while being fattened up by design?

Mean "Christians" Want People to Die in the Gutter

I'm having some faith struggles lately, well I know they originated when Aunt Scapegoat died and they have grown really problematic. Leaving the last church has gotten me thinking and questioning things about my own life as a Christian. It's hard to get into all the ins and outs, but even removing myself from Mrs. Curses last year, is part of this complex picture.

I've written on this blog before regarding my experiences in churches:

The Poor and Disabled in Church

Why People are Leaving Church

ACONS and Church

Well obviously I'm not fitting too well in the churches.

I got in a scary Facebook political argument the other day.

Really I should avoid such interactions but sometimes someone pisses me off so much, I can't help myself and I throw myself in the fray. I used to be worse and started avoided political arguments about a year ago but this one I didn't ignore. It ended up with an unfriending and a blocking.

In this conversation I was discussing things with a friend of a friend, she goes to an evangelical church. I didn't know her that well, but you know Facebook sometimes you will friend someone who is friends with someone else. I suppose we befriended each other, being "fellow Christians" and putting up memes of bible verses and more. In this case, she knows I was not an Obamacare supporter in that it cost too much for my household and I considered it too expensive for most with the middle-man insurance guys getting their cut. I support a single-payer system.

My problem is that now they are wickedly telling millions of people no more medical insurance  with NO OTHER OPTIONS, especially now since we have the evil party wanting to throw all the poor in the gutter.

Many people have been on edge because they know about Paul Ryan's attacks on Medicare and what they plan there. Let's just say some are wondering if they are even going to be able to stay alive. The Republican party is basically kicking people in the face now, letting their oppression of the poor they got planned be known and the orange faced man isn't even in office yet. Every disabled person I have talked to, is seriously frightened.

Anyhow in the political argument, I got the usual, "You gotta take personal responsiblity", "Taxation is theft" spiels, and this person told me she shouldn't have to pay for other people's health insurance and that people should get helped by the churches.

I said to her, "What church is going to have tens of thousands of dollars to pay someone's medical bills, this isn't 1850, some caretaking in bed and a swig of whiskey isn't going to cut it anymore." She didn't like that comment. 

Anyhow what scared me is this person actually believed someone like me should just go die instead of costing others money. She pretty much told me as such. How many voted for Trump going on about "muh taxes", as Trump told them it was the poor [mostly minorities in Trump's case] destroying the economy and costing them money. Mr. Billionaire got elected telling the working class and lower middle class to blame poor people as the "lazy dead-beats" raising their taxes, and they all fell for it. Hypercalvinism married to the prosperity gospel--[hey Paula White and pals poured money into the Trump campaign] got people who worship success and money to vote the guy in.

Hey I'd rather my husband did have a good job with good insurance but that kind of fell flat didn't it? I have realized in these people's world, they never have faced adversity and this notion of utter selfishness rules. In my anger, I said you follow more the gospel of Ayn Rand then the gospel of Jesus Christ.  She told me I needed to go repent. I then responded sarcastically, "I'm sorry the disabled are such a burden to you" and that was the end of conservation.

A lot of my old church members on Facebook are distancing themselves from me since I came out against their savior Trump.   If anyone has read this blog for long enough, I do have some conservative views, and some classically liberal ones too, I guess I'm someone whose going to mightily suffer in the "pick a side" or else politics of America. None of them seem to care that while they screamed and yelled about Hillary playing footsie with Goldman Sachs that Trump has now appointed FIVE people from Goldman Sachs. Talk about hypocrisy. None of them keep their views straight.

I have some friendly church members left, but I noticed all except one or two wanted to vote for him. You know when I think back on my church days, I knew in some ways I never fit in, I never had the secure economic foundation 99% of the rest had, nor the family life or the same world views. I wanted to be a good Christian but I often felt even as I attended my IFB churches even in the early years, there was some ways I never fit in.  This hatred for the poor gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. In the Bush years it was there too, and kind of something that then working class me would protest at times but did not realize yet the depth of it.  This conversation got kind of personal but I see the hateful attitudes in general out there and for people worse off then me. Even their gung-ho support to lock half the country up makes me sick.

I don't plan to lose my Christian faith because so many "Christians" suck so much. I was already an atheist for half my life prior, so if you want to reccommend Christopher Hitchen lectures, etc, I've already read them. Sure no one is perfect and there's lots of Christians who help the poor too but you know when people kind of scare you and you know they'd have no problem letting you die in a gutter and they cheer for a sociopath so eagerly it skeeves you out.


Update: I deconverted and left the whole mess behind.

I'm on an old Vista Laptop

I got this one used a long time ago for a back up computer, just doing a test to see if this works.  Figuring out security certificate errors meant just making sure the date was right. I have to remind myself of that. LOL I have to get a new cord for my regular computer.

Optical Glass Sculptures

Good and Bad Childhoods

This video simplifies things, but makes clear the influence of narcissistic parenting. The foundation of being able to see yourself as a valuable person in a competitive world, laid in a good childhood can make a lot of difference in a life. I don't agree with warning everyone, keep that to the closest people. I like the picture where they show the grown up guy leading his little self out, basically saying, "you didn't deserve that."

Don't Stay in School

Many young people are realizing they are not prepared for this world and the schools are falling down on the job. I always used to say even when I was a teacher, that students needed a practical living class, where they learned to write checks, how to do taxes, and do minor household repairs to either an apartment or home. They also needed to learn how hard it was to make a living and basic economic survival.

 Boyinaband forgot to include car repair. How much money could be saved if people knew basic car repair?  I wish me and my husband could take a class of automobile things we could fix without a lift. How about gardening? Practical skills have gone by the way side. Many like John Taylor Gatto have warned us the schools are set up the way they are to "keep" people ignorant. I also agree with him about the useless of forcing students to learn algebra and subjects they will never use. My years of learning algebra were useless. The high school classes for me that counted the most for use was 4 years of Spanish and Home Economics.

1200 a Month for a Bunk Bed?

Sadly millennials are being so exploited! $1200-1500 for a bunk bed? Is location worth that much? Some prisons have better set ups than this place. I wish some would open a recent history book, and figure out what life was like some yeas ago. Living this way is not normal. This by the way is far far more expensive then a European hostel. Think about it, this is 30,000 dollars for one month for just one room. Future as now slum lords couldn't be happier!

 I like some aspects of co-housing but not prison camps and bunk beds with no privacy that cost as more than a Motel 6 private room in my area. One guy wrote as a comment, "Congratulations America you're now Japan". It looks they have drank the Kool-Aid. At least at the Mao commune, housing was free, you just put your hours of labor in, now you pay a lot for your prison bunk! I like some ideas of co-housing and community living but THIS, it's something else.

Is The Obesity Epidemic Related To Impaired Lymphatic Systems?

These are two researchers I plan to study more . I asked this question in the older article...

"How much Severe Obesity is Actually Swollen with Fluids?

This may explain the large number of people where diets and more have failed. Lipedema stage IV is another severe problem but what if our food system is bringing too much toxicity and "blockage" to our lymph systems?

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents

"1) Your worth is always dependent on conditional circumstances. As the child of a narcissistic parent or parents, you were taught that you were not inherently worthy, but rather that your worth depended on what you could do for the narcissistic parent and how compliant you were. The emphasis on appearance, status, reputation is at an all-time high in households with a narcissistic parent. Due to the narcissistic parent’s grandiosity, false mask and need to be the best, you were probably part of a family that was ‘presented’ in the best possible light, with abuse taking place behind closed doors."

This can be a great challenge for a scapegoat in the early years of escaping toxic parents. This world view they have imposed on you where life is all about appearances, status and success. One scary thing is as I have talked to people on this blog, even "successful" scapegoats are treated the same as those who end up disabled or in the lowest socio-economic groups. You will always be labeled as "wrong" by this type of parent. I remember how status counted for everything in my family where they saw and labeled people on a chart almost, who has "moved up" and who has "moved down". 

Every aunt, uncle, cousin, co-worker, neighbor and community person was judged on a money, occupation, possessions and conformity scale. It is kind of a sick sad way to view life. The constant competition and backstabbing destroys any real companionship, love or connection. I have realized in my early years of no contact, that this was not a world view I ever liked or subscribed to, and it was okay to break out of it and denounce it and also as well not judge myself by it anymore too.

"2) You need to be perfect and successful, but you should never be rewarded for it or feel ‘enough.’ Narcissists are masters of moving the goal posts so that nothing their victims do is ever enough. As childhood abuse survivors, we are no exception to that rule. Our accomplishments are rarely acknowledged unless they meet an arbitrary criteria for “what looks best to society,” or confirms the narcissistic parent’s own grandiose fantasies. Our abusive parent is never genuinely proud of us unless he or she can claim credit for that particular success. Some narcissistic parents can even envy or look down upon the success of their children, especially if that success enables that child to become independent of their parents, outside of their realm of power and control."

The article goes into how many of these narcissistic parents will sabotage their children's success. This happened to me. They want you kept dependent. Even my "wealthier" sister is on an allowance and has never made her own money or had any degree of financial independence. My brother was dependent often on my mother's money.  Here too gifts and "generosity" given with resentment and judgment will keep narcissistic victims on tetherhooks.

  One thing all narcissists in my life from Mrs. Curses to others, is how they were always moving the goal posts. If any of you have watched the Leah Remini Scientology shows, its like "going up the ladder" to be "clear", there's always one more "lesson" or thing you have not fulfilled. Instead of money narcissists charge pieces of your souls for your constant "auditing" sessions. Narcissists can never be satisfied. In fact one of the quickest ways to know you are dealing with a narcissist is to see if you are in walking on eggshell's land and if you are always made to feel like you are not enough.

 Scapegoats must avoid the "walk on eggshells with"  and "Fix-it" people who demand that we change, and improve to be "acceptable" to them. If you start feeling that way among anyone, know ahead of time the relationship is doomed. I was even able to rewrite the script of my life going no contact. I was more "successful" outside the realm of the narcissists and their false judgments.  Nothing is good enough for narcissists, even the golden children learn that lesson quit clearly, as they mold themselves into the boxes the narcissists has laid out. Many golden children are trapped living lives the narcissist have laid out for them. It becomes a "gilded" cage. Us Scapegoats sometimes can take years to clear our heads out of the internal nagging, demands and more that fill our head. Letting loose of this stuff can pave the way for life enjoyment.

"3) There is always someone better, and you must beat them – starting with your own siblings. Children of narcissistic parents are often turned against their siblings in a competition to vie for the affection and love they always craved but never received. Narcissistic parents are well-known for ‘triangulating’ children against one another as an attempt to unnecessarily compare them, demean them and feed their own sense of power and control over their children."

In hard core narcissistic families, everything is about competition. This is why family gatherings become put-down fests, and brag-fests as all vie for position especially if there is a narcissist lording over it all or several. There is no relaxation or feeling of home or comfort. Everything is a comparison. Also unlike bowling or golf no "handicaps are allowed, everything is "bootstrap" land and the mythical "even playing field". If a sibling wins the Lotto, you're supposed to afford the Jacuzzi and Mercedes too, and will be found lacking.

 Some of these thing can be internalized in scapegoats who fight entering a permanent state of feeling like they will never measure up. Ask yourself who you are trying to measure up to? A sick society? Narcissists? or yourself and God? This is one lie, I had to break out of to feel any sense of peace.  When one "quits" the contest it can be extreme freedom. This is freedom I will never regret.

"4) Contempt is a part of love and ‘normal’ in a relationship. Narcissistic parents can subject their children to periods of idealization when they need them, quickly followed by contempt and terrifying narcissistic rage when they ‘disobey’ and threaten their excessive sense of entitlement (Goulston, 2012). The condescension, contempt and hatred with which a narcissistic parent uses to berate their children is not only immensely hurtful, it retrains the mind into accepting abuse as a new normal (Streep, 2016)."

This pattern of idealization and devaluation teaches us that love is unstable, frightening, and ultimately unpredictable. It causes us to walk on eggshells, fearful that we may displease others. It also desensitizes us and makes us tone-deaf to verbal abuse later on in adulthood (Streep, 2016).

Decent relationships do not require that you perform night and day and worry about earning derision or contempt. In my early years of no contact, I walked from many people that demanded "performance" and "conformity" for acceptance. Even this far in, I am assessing what is a "decent" relationship and realizing what qualities those hold.  Such types are never pleased and if you earn a smile from them, it just sets up a precedent where they are trying to take charge of you. One rule to remember outside legal limits, all adults make their own decisions how to live life, clean their house and how to spend their time, narcissists often cross these boundaries.

"5) Your emotions are not valid. Narcissistic parents, much like narcissistic abusers in relationships, pathologize and invalidate our emotions to the point where we are left voiceless. We are not allowed to feel, so we end up going to extremes: we either become repressed and numb or we become rebel children who ‘feel’ too much, too soon. Our emotions become overwhelming either way, because our grief is not processed in a healthy way, starting from childhood. In adulthood, we gain the opportunity to validate our own emotions and recognize that what we feel, and have felt all along, is entirely valid. We learn how to process our emotions, our trauma, and the grief of being unloved as children and adolescents. We learn that we have opportunities to detach from our abusive parents, whether it be through Low Contact (minimum contact only when necessary) or No Contact at all. "

Many of us even a few years into no contact will realize what it truly meant to have all emotions invalidated. As I wrote about with my cousin, he was taught that my emotions were invalid and were "wrong".  Many narcissistic families will decry any showing of emotions at all. They will call stone cold narcissists, "strong" while telling those with emotions they are "wrong", "bad", or "weak" to cry. Even the people of conscience who have been programmed by narcissists will conform. Relationships within the family ebb away as years pass because there is no real sharing or caring with so much emotional restraint.

I have noted even narcissist trolls who show up to this blog attempt to shame me with telling me to "count my blessings" and trying to censor what I write and talk about. Real emotions to narcissists [even the good ones] are a threat to them and why they seek to close them down. Scapegoats who escape toxic families will recall even positive emotions like laughter, joy and excitement were not allowed either. Many can struggle with repression and feeling safe in expressing their emotions.  The decision to go no contact here, has helped many of us realize our world view, emotions and how we interpreted our experiences were all valid. As time passes in no contact, the feelings of safety to express emotions is one important aspect of healing.

I strongly suggest reading this article in whole at the link, it made many good points.

Cake Painting Is For Sale

If you are interested in owning some real Peep art work, this painting is now for sale on Ebay! Email me at fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com if you are interested and I will send you a link to the ebay listing. By discretion I may ferret out any trolls but if anyone is truly interested drop me a line. :)

Update: The painting has sold! Thank you! :)

What Are We Eating?

A lot of food out there is just bad, and frozen food seems among the worse. A couple months ago I got some frozen meals at a food pantry, they were ones that claimed to be "healthy" and ate one of them, it was so tasteless and just bad.  These had less of the chemicals, but more and more I think a lot of food is awful.

 Food pantries pass out usually the most carby and sugar-laden food. If you want to make your own barbecued chicken using boneless skinless chicken breasts, that's some real money nowadays. Hmmm trying to find barbecue sauce that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup as the first ingredient will be another overwhelming challenge. Potatoes which I am allergic too and corn seems shoved down Americans throats constantly too.  You almost can't avoid them. Corn for me is guaranteed higher blood sugars. The food pantries pass out a lot more cans of corn then they do other vegetables at a 10-1 ratio.

I try to avoid frozen food like the plague, but I eat the rare one and well most of them are disappointing. Amy's has some good meals but then around here those are double and triple the price. I remember how the old TV dinners tasted and know the food they sell now is not the same. Well McDonalds even changed in taste as they cheapened the food. People's health is suffering from the false food.

WWYD: Fat Shaming a Daughter

 This is pretty common. I once saw a mother buy one thin daughter a giant sub and french fries and yell at a fat daughter for wanting a bowl of soup.  She cried over having too little to eat. I said something, and told her she was mean to her daughter. Sometimes in those instances I have heard "Do you want to look like her?". I am glad the one guy speaks up but I know if I was there, I'd say "Why are you hanging out in a donut shop if you are so concerned?"

For fat kids with thin siblings life can be one fat shaming moment after another especially with narcissists in the mix. You find out fast, the thinner children are far more valued. I saw a difference even in how my mother treated my sister's children who were all thin compared to my brother's more plump children. My sister even got her own goldfish crackers for lunch. I wasn't allowed to eat them. That was kind of weird for years watching her eat those goldfish crackers and I wasn't allowed to touch any of them. I had some as an adult later and thought they were bland and gross but at the time as a kid I wanted to eat a few. She got them in her school lunch too. She also had her cereal none of us other kids were allowed to touch. These girls are actresses but many kids are living that scenario with a thin sibling in the house.

Japanese Woodblock Prints

Check the rest of the channel out too.

Another Peep Picture

InkScape

I have to take some time to learn Ink Scape and Gimp too.

Inkscape Tutorials

I am utterly clueless on computer art and graphic design. I have drawn simple cartoons online computer drawing programs but nothing more.

This is to work on my comic.

Right now I am stuck on a detail, I can't seem to figure out.

How does one download a picture or scan INTO one of these programs to alter it?

If you can help me with this detail I would appreciate it.

One comic guy wrote this:

"My process

I draw everything by hand myself fully inked then scan the image, do digital editing/coloring in photoshop, painter or gimp. Then I take the digital file and throw it in to illustrator or inkscape for lettering. 

Panelling
It's pretty easy to panel and letter in Inkscape. If you are worried about making level panels I would create the original art(by hand or digitally). Create a new inkscape file to the dimensions of your final work. Import the art file into inkscape. Open up the Layers palette under the Layers file menu. Create an new layer. Start drawing panels using the square and rectangle shape tool around your art. Go to the Object menu and select the Fill and Stroke palette. Under fill make the rectangle transparent and select the color for your border under the Stroke Paint(probably black) then select the line width under Stroke Style and you done. On to lettering.

Lettering Create a new layer. Start drawing your word balloons and narration boxes. To add the tails to the word balloons use the pen tool and draw them. Then select the balloon and tail together. Go to the Path menu and select Union. Your balloon and tail unite to create the finished word balloon. Create a new layer. At this point I would lock the layers below your lettering layer so you can't effect the stuff you've already made. Use the text tool to start writing your text. Select your font and size and place the text inside your word balloons. You can manipulate the size of your word balloon using the arrow tool and change the shape using the Edit Paths by Nodes tool(right below the arrow tool). After that you're pretty much done. Just save it to the file format of your choice."


I guess it's called "Import". I wish someone taught a class on this. Well I did want to go to Cartoon College remember. Well you know some of what I will be spending my time doing.

I wasn't able to come up with a scanner, and scanning was cost prohibitive for now so going to see if taking a picture of the panels will work. Let's hope it does. 

Should One Have to Fight Just to Survive?

"Also the idea that everyone has to fight like it's a Hunger Games just to pay the rent is part of your brainwashing. That is why society is collapsing at the seams. When 90 percent of a society are told they are expendable "losers" that should starve, and don't deserve to afford families even, you have a poop storm ready to begin."

I posted that on a Facebook debate, where millennials being "entitled" was the discussion. I got one of Tony Robbin's finest from Australia who thinks everyone who is poor was lazy and did not work hard.  I have noted that millennials are under far worse pressure then Generation X and I think it's wrong. So you have to be a super-star now if you want to just pay the rent and afford a family? What is sad is the people who defend this system, I suppose it's the few where it's worked for them, and write things online like you "Just got to work hard" and "Launch businesses!" like everyone has buckets of cash. The Kool-Aid drinking is rife out there.

Check out the show PayDay on Vice if you get a chance. I don't endorse this show. Vice is like channel for millennials where it seems like one giant commercial for taking drugs for fun and "spiritual enlightenment". I said to my husband, "Notice no one on that show makes anything, they run round "hustling" mostly selling services like hookah pipes, tattoos, marijuana edibles, porno, and charcuterie trays to a thin silver of people who have money. It's like the peak of the so called "service economy. It made me sad for millennials. One had to be a semi-sociopathic "hustler" to pay any bills or make any real money if this show is any evidence." I think about too, what actual work is available to people? Barely anything.

One other thing is they are automating everything out of existence. I noticed there are even LESS cashiers in big stores, they have more of the self-check outs. I hate those things. There are even now libraries, and I saw this at a local suburban library where machines will check out the books. That means far less jobs for library aides. Now in the middle of all this, we have more Republicans who will scream "get a job" and force starvation on the poor.

What kind of society will we end up with when so many people become expendable and "throw-away" people? I felt sorry for the millennials in that show but also for their customers. The few people with "real jobs" even the funeral director are broke  They never have time to rest or play with their children, they have to be "on the make" 24-7. There's no divide between work and life. My husband has problems with that. He "worked" every holiday. He's not locked away on some factory floor but someone in India is profiting off his low paid hours of transcribing. He applied for more work, to get told by some higher-paid transcribing company, that only 2 percent of their candidates are selected for testing, and then he got turned down anyhow.

On one of the Canadian Pay Day shows, The oil man had to live in a crappy trailer worse then my apartment because they raised the prices to go with the oil money. Can one even have a decent society when one has to become a "hustler" to even survive?

I think about how something switched over, maybe it had to do with all the Republicans or "think positive" programming, but even being told "You need to work hard" is kind of a sick joke now. Often anyone who questions the system or says it did not work out for them is told by the people who believe in the system, "I worked hard for what I have". Well many people worked hard and it didn't pay off. Every narcissist always gave me that song and dance even the ones who never had to "work hard" one day in their life. They sought to shame me with it. I can tell millennials are shamed night and day unless they have made it. It is worse then it was on us.

I got my sense of the life of the millennials on that show. On one non-housebound day, I and my husband was trying to sell this old 1950s Formica table to help pay a bill, they sell them for a good price in the antique stores around here. My table needs some work, I don't have the tools to do, but it could be a decent table if someone put some effort into it.  I had a rock bottom price on mine. The lady I was trying to sell it too, wrinkled up her nose and said, "the chrome was too eroded on the bottom of the legs". It was rather humiliating I guess. It felt like I could have had more pride out on the highway with a cardbord sign.  I'm a crappy sales person. I lowered the price even more, and am waiting on a pending sale but my hopes are a bit crushed already.  My husband runs after every loose can. I know the monied class often calls poor people "lazy".

It's troubling how many now are being forced to scrape at the edges. Millennials aren't going to be able to afford to marry or have families or have homes. We couldn't afford it. In my case I didn't have children due to health problems but I could not have afforded them anyway. Life is totally different when you are barely surviving and able to take care of yourself. The sad thing is how many think this is okay.

We were watching some re-runs of Breaking Bad, that is the show about the chemistry teacher who because of giant medical bills for lung cancer who becomes a meth dealer. For some reason the show PayDay and Breaking Bad all got mixed into my head in one stew.  Life for Walter White is nothing but work, he never enjoys any of those barrels of money and well his conscience is eroded to where he becomes a sociopath committing all sorts of crimes even murder to "win". How many will keep consciences in a "hustler" culture, where there's no such thing as fair pay for fair work anymore?

There's a point where competition opens the door to something new. If only "winners" can even eat, and only "superstars" can pay rent or afford to have children, you have a society on the edge of a new sort of chaos. Honestly millennials are being massively betrayed, I don't think most realize how badly yet.

Lies of Their Culture

Giant Chicken

Picture I took.

We always make jokes about buying the giant chicken when we come into money and displaying it in a yard. Yeah I know it would be kind of tacky. I wonder if a chicken restaurant used to own it.

Happy New Year!

Sarah's Scribbles