Sunday, April 29, 2012

Some of My Recent Thoughts About Life and The World

I tell myself, don't let them get to you! I found myself telling a group of people at a self help group, I want to confound the doctors, and the rest of the world and live far longer then they would ever expect. Even being this sick, I've outlasted their expectations. Maybe I am whistling by the graveyard, but God will determine how long I make it in this world. It was kind of funny, many friends there said, "You go, girl!"

Even after the fall I said to myself you must push through the pain, and that is something I've learned to do. Wonder how many superfat women think "walk it off" after a great fall? I wonder where the vestiges of that inner coach even came from, a long ago gym class lost in my memory banks somewhere? I guess some of that stuff came in handy, maybe not. LOL I am doing better and able to walk though my left leg is dealing with a bit of a setback.


Ah weight loss surgery...

Wow even that picture makes me feel like going to puke. I have a sensitive stomach already.

Some steel eyed doctors,  say to conform or to "live", I must enter their Iron Maiden of weight loss surgery, to a life of puking and pain, outdistancing the digestive problems I already have. I trust in God as my hope. With the weight, well, one does what they can and progresses each day. My sugars seem to be reading lower which is a good development. While I have written that I understand why people choose weight loss surgery and to take a spin of that roulette wheel, my view of weight loss surgery has grown more negative. I do not see it as "fixing" anyone. The weight regains are immense. The people even if they manage to keep weight off become more fragile. Why is so much research money and resources being poured into this basically what is torture for the fat? I have known people personally who have died from this surgery. One was a friend who matched me even in the PCOS though she never had any thyroid and other problems, she lost 80 at the start, only a small percentage of her weight, and then became far more frail and sicker from her other health problems. I still think she'd be alive if she had never gotten this surgery done. Even her odd reaction to being on a ventilator, the day after the surgery, seemed to be an avenue, of false hope, now I'll be thin!" The stories of my fat friends, some of whom I have lost, are very sad ones.People pay a heavy, heavy price for that small percentage of weight that comes off, very few lose it all either. Even if they do not die, right off, more health problems come later. If you are thinking about weight loss surgery, do not talk to those who are just 18 months out, but go to 5 years out and beyond!

With the doctors, while I certainly use modern medicine myself, I also believe the more you stay away from some of them the longer you may live. I have put a new blog up on the index called suethsayings that explores some of the dark side of the weight loss surgery world. This blogger while I do not agree with his politics, he's got the WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY CYCLE THING DOWN PAT!


Ugh I hate this picture, and look she is smiling being so "busy" and "conforming"

One thing that concerns me is the meanness towards the fat seems to be growing and even the average size people are feeling more oppressed by all the rules, demands and more. While we need laws and rules to keep society civil, and for protection of those who are weaker, why isn't anyone questioning some of the demands out there? Isn't it time to sit back and question where things are going? I am talking about a more wide-ranging topic then just being fat in this world. This is about questioning what you value in this world. Our society seems to be coming the most rule laden, societally disconnected, and depressing place to be.  The bean counters have won justifying their too high salaries by writing endless lists of rules, regulations and forms for people to fill out.  Where are the independent thinkers? I know some of course, but many of us who are that way, feel a heavy blanket thrown over our souls lately. I have my faith to sustain me, but one thing to think about doing, is question some of those experts, question those who say you have to have a perfect body, house, and "life" who pile on the paperwork and demands while offering nothing in return. Yes I had a week filled with way too much paperwork. I'm exhausted. Keeping my body going is "work" enough.  Maybe a copy machine should become part of everyone's living room decor, the way this is going. I don't even have a job, but I feel overwhelmed lately.....


The obesity thing is just one component, as we are lied to there, they are lying about far more. Maybe my years of not being believed and almost losing my life to the weight gain coming on like a freight train drove me into questioning quite a bit of what I had been told, after all when one's reality does not match what you are told over and over, it has a person start to question other things. I'll state this til the day I die, something else is wrong with me beyond just not eating healthily enough and exercising enough. The 'experts" can consider me a liar, some of the doctors who are more understanding can speak of the metabolic and endocrine difficulties, but I know this body does not work like others. To the people who view me with a jaundiced eye of "You're a fat failure", you simply do not see. The obesity industrial complex sells itself via endless lies. The same media that lies about the effects of radiation from Fukishima, flouride in the water has no problems lying about weight. I believe weight is far more then calories in and calories out and doing the "proper" behavior. They know it too. 


I feel like it is harder to get decent food. There is the money end to it all but then there is the ACCESS. I am going to be driving 30-40 miles round trip having finally found a decent health food store that sells in bulk. This place was like a food wonderland to me, where I can actually can find food that is nutritious and affordable.

I went to the grocery store and all the pseudo food seems to be in even more shiny very colorful full of primary color boxes. This is just something I noticed the other day. One day looking at one lady's grocery cart, it looked like a clown had vomited. At least when the veggie stands are humming there will be more choice soon.

I could be losing weight, but all the bouncing water weight, makes it hard to know if I am or not. Today I am swollen up.  Why are my legs losing all the weight with loose skin why the middle stays huge?

One thing about being disabled, is you are on the outskirts of society. I have been on the fringes looking in for quite some years. When one is out of the rat race, it gives one a view from the sidelines, and watching the "game" from afar, some things are changing really radically and I don't think all those changes are good. 

 Well, I am old enough to remember what life used to be, and how instead of endless nightmare futures shown in such movies like the Hunger Games, anyone ever notice how the future always stinks now in movies? If someone did a movie where the future was full of flowers and singing instead of dark cavernous cities full of cruel robots or dictators, would it sell? How come no one is asking about this? How come NONE of our movies from the documentaries to the fiction ever offer any hopefulness or kindness? Watch some old movies some time, click on the classic movie channel and sure while they have some dark stuff like Mildred Pierce many movies used to have messages, many of which were uplifting. What ever happened to that?

I remember when TV shows and others gave people hopeful messages and or had morality plays. Even the plots of Laverne and Shirley simplistic as they were, had good things to say about friendship such as when Laverne got Lenny to forgive Squiggy for his broken leg from a practical joke. I watched one at 4 am, waking up too early, and thought WOW, that being the 1970s, sure there was some wild stuff, but I thought to myself, how different that show was, showing WORKING CLASS people and the joys and commitments of close friendship. Why did this show make me really almost want to cry thinking of the dreck that passes for entertainment now in feeling of extreme nostalgia? Even Little House on the Prairie showed people helping one another.


Being outside the mainstream of American society and the craziness of it all, looking within, I guess I am horrified at what I see. I spent years in a very rural town and as a member of a very small country church.  Many of my friends were elderly though I knew younger people too. So I had my foot in the old fashioned world for almost 10 years,  and I really didn't want to leave, but change came there too via the economy which changed the town fast and forced many people to leave including us. How do I explain it but trying to state it, it is like seeing a whole way of life slip through one's finger tips? Was life for people supposed to become nothing but about oppression, not having enough money to live on, and feeling beaten down simply by trying to stay afloat and a life of endless goodbyes? I do not think so. Watching my husband work 12-14 hours days only to be cast aside when he got into the arena of late middle age, told me something was very off.  And while some can say, weight and health problems make for a hard life watching the suffering of others grow, tells me the snowball of societal decline isn't just taking the typical "outcasts" of society out anymore such as the disabled like myself, the very elderly, etc, but many average people too who realize that something is being lost but whom feel unable understandably to put it into words. Everyone is stressed out more and more.

One thing that troubles me, is everyone dealing with these difficulties feels so alone, in a society where everyone has been programmed to put on a front. Outside of a few friends, it is not something that is coming up in open conversation. The news isn't telling the truth either.
Does anyone else want to say "Hey wait a minute"? I guess this is more of my thoughts about "dropping out".


One thing I have noticed is society is getting far more conformist, where people are being told to dress, act and believe the same way. Being a teen in the 80s, I remember even a multitude of sub-cultures and different styles of dress. What happened to that? It seems like all the young people dress alike nowadays which troubles me on a level I can't even explain. Sure there are a few smattering of goths and others, but their definitely was far more variety 30 years ago.


Everything is getting far more controlled from the TOP, where corporations and the experts are ruling lives far more then they ever could dream of ruling them. Local communities, families, have all been broken up and scattered. Can a community really solidify if everyone is moving every 5 years or people can't even depend on keeping a regular job? John Taylor Gatto, a man who has questioned the control factors implicit in public schools, is right that networks are not the same as a community, he says "A network cannot be a healthy substitute for family or community!" and he is right. Pondering this stuff, I think about how life has become for so many, feeling afloat, having lost all moorings to place and community. It has been the story of my own life.  I believe it is one thing that led to me having an unhealthy, troubled and otherwise stressed life but it is the story of millions of others in this country. I have been reading Gatto's writings this week, and his books have given me a lot to think about. These matters affect obesity, access to food and more too. This quote struck me quite a bit. It's true and it's affecting our very well-being, health and far more.

"Global economics does not speak to the public need for meaningful work, affordable housing, fulfilling education, adequate medical care, a clean environment, honest and accountable government, social and cultural renewal, or simple justice. All global ambitions are based on a definition of productivity and the good life so alienated from common human reality that I am convinced it is wrong and that most people would agree with me if they could perceive an alternative. We might be able to see that if we regained a hold on philosophy that locates meaning where meaning is genuinely to be found - in families, in friends, in the passage of seasons, in nature, in simple ceremonies and rituals, in curiosity, generosity, compassion, and service to others, in a decent independence and privacy, in all the free and inexpensive things out of which real families, real friends, and real communities are built - then we would be so self-sufficient we would not even need the material "sufficiency" which our global "experts" are so insistent we be concerned about."

Soon it seems they will be charging us for air to breathe soon too. I told my husband the other day food is getting so expensive, we better get out of a modern apartment, [the house rent here is so high] to a place where we can grow some of our own food. I am not sure how to make this happen, we are poor enough we need to stay on the bus line, in case our older car breaks down but then rent in the houses that would have land by them to use for a garden, are far more expensive. For me as well being the weight I am at and COPD, I need air conditioning to breathe through the summer and to avoid stairs, so it's been complicated. If you have a yard do not take it for granted.

Some may question the ability to garden at all, and you are right. I tried growing some things indoors but it failed. I have dreamed of a more self sufficient life, well as much as one can gain being disabled, but seems like it never will happen. It is strange to be absolutely food insecure and so overweight, but the two really do go hand in hand you know. I may write more on that later.

With family networks, I am feeling sad about my own lack of them. While I keep connected with some family members via the phone and Internet it is not the same as actually having people as part of your life or seeing them on a week to week basis. My parents were upper middle class, it was not a big deal to live hundreds of miles from relatives, they could visit, and travel was affordable to them. To me it is not, there are relatives, I have not seen in 5-6 years, and even one side of the family for 20. To me there is a lot of sadness about this. I have not been able to even be the aunt, I wanted to be, being so far away, though I have traveled when I could. As I have stated before, when you are poor and disabled, you can be left out of the active warp and weave of people's lives. Being severely obese, you do get closed out.  Some of course has to do with your health problems affecting things, it's no one's fault, and it does bother me.

I see people losing relatives, and the horrible grief and more accompanying that, and I do feel very badly for them. They are there to say Goodbye in the nursing home, or hospital.  To one friend, I said, "I have already lost great portions of my family, but in this case, they are still living". One can only do what they can. Modern life, has eroded the importance of certain family relationships. My mother grew up, with her aunts, uncles, cousins involved in her life. Many of mine have forgotten I exist and I fear that my own nieces and nephews just see me as some far away figure though I at least attempt as much involvement with them over the great distances. You want to know people, you just do not want them as strangers you see once every couple years or in some cases far less.

When I try to explain this to some younger people they do not get what I am talking about, for some the distance has become what is natural. I am finding friends and others in my newer community, but I know that feeling of not belonging anywhere haunts me. It really got started when I moved from my last community, something I only have begun to even understand in myself. This feeling of NOT BELONGING anywhere. Of course obesity has played a part in that story, to be honest that may be the worse feeling a severely obese person confronts. My husband has heard me talk about this a lot. I wonder if any others feel this way out there too? I am sure they do.

I went to a poetry reading the other day and heard an older man talk about his family and how they worked together, and about his aunts and uncles were part of his life. One got ill with Alzheimers, and I thought that was very tragic, he was going to visit his family member in the nursing home.  I thought to myself, if someone gets sick in my family, they will sadly most likely be on their own, since 500 miles distance between relatives isn't going to cut it anymore. What is going to happen to our generation when they get old and everyone is far away? Some of us are having health troubles while younger.


I am working on community things, I have to get my one disability advocacy project done, and plan to go to disability meeting discussing politics, that should be interesting as well as focusing on trying to help other people and looking forward to a visit from a friend of mine, we have been friends for 26 years.

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