Today is the 23rd anniversary of our meeting for the first time. We are happily making some plans for our 19th wedding anniversary which will be next week on the 9th. We have had a lot of fun this month going to zine conferences, a local mini comic con and a poetry event.He read this poem at a poetry event yesterday. True love did change my life and has kept me going this long. You will note the poem mentions our mutual misfortunes with single-ad dating...
So here's the poem:
Accidents Will Happen
"Accidents will Happen
but only hit and run
You used to be victim
now you're not the only one."
...I took refuge in those lines courtesy
of Mr. Elvis Costello,summer 79
Everytime I loaded my bat
and struck out dead with the opposite sex
and only years later did it occur to me...
Had I owned in this order
A Trans-Am, a class ring, the right social connections
and a varsity letter sweater....
My chances of scoring with the odd blonde or two
would have been so much better.
I looked forward to college and the promise of starting over
A page in life's little small town yearbook
but sad to say, the big picture
Didn't change for the better:
everybody I knew was either already attached
unattached and in no mood to start over,
semi-attached or hooking up
For the couch tour of convenience: one night only
no strings attached.
I let the rules of attraction slide for awhile, although
from time to time
I'd give those personal ads
A try: Man talk about rolling me some snake eyes!
A couple times I dated a woman who always talked
about how well she did.
By her "product" but I never knew what that meant
until some friends of mine cornered me one night
and said, "Don't you know who that is? They call her
"The Divine Mrs. Heroin"
That bomb dropped after date number three
funnily enough
We haven't been in touch
Since then looking back
on this parade of craps
that we threw, my wife and I
can laugh about it now
....because she almost didn't show up on our first date
...she'd thrown a few craps
too many herself
but some gut instinct
whispered, "Stick it out--
one more time."
I showed up late
due to some event or other
I had to cover
So I called her from a truck stop
in ******
I don't remember
Anyhow, from the first minute
we clicked...like the fuse on a dynamite stick
Now, whether we'd go it alone
through the dating gauntlet
again to find
our one and only we don't know
...but on this much, we agree
everything ran so much
better when we stopped
trying to stack the dice
in some predetermined order
This much I can testify
20 years later:
Accidents will happen
.....but I like how this particular hit and run
worked out for the both of us.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
What is the Alt-Left?
What is the Alt Left?
Both mainstream Left and Right are wedded to the notion of eternal Progress–the idea that things are perpetually getting better and better for everyone. They love to deploy statistics compiled by, for example, the late Dr. Hans Rosling and Stephen Pinker, demonstrating how much richer and safer the world has gotten over the past hundred years under their “enlightened leadership,” and how much wealthier the “poor” nations of the world have become. This is their justification for moving forward with the Neoliberal project. To that end, any dissent from the status quo amounts to a return to barbarism! The “sacrifice zones” of the industrial heartlands of America and Europe are simply the price to pay for global progress. I call it “omelette ethics”—the idea that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs…”
Neither side deals with the idea that there are fundamental limits to growth, or that we have lost a great deal in our relentless push to modernize. None of them deal with the crises of unemployment, obesity, mental illness, or pollution, for example. To them, every problem we face can be solved with either more education, more economic growth, more markets, more migration, more regulations, or more technology, full stop.
Expanding and growing the economy is imperative for both the mainstream Right and Left; on this issue, there is no difference. Neither of them question the basic assumptions of our current society on a deeper level. I summarized them last time: productivism (growthism); top-down technocratic management; centralization of power; educational meritocracy; multiculturalism; cosmopolitanism; globalism; corporatism; consumerism; financialization; technological progress, laissez-faire capitalism; natalism, meliorism, scientific rationalism, materialism, the belief in “progress,” and so forth.
......
Both mainstream Left and Right are wedded to the notion of eternal Progress–the idea that things are perpetually getting better and better for everyone. They love to deploy statistics compiled by, for example, the late Dr. Hans Rosling and Stephen Pinker, demonstrating how much richer and safer the world has gotten over the past hundred years under their “enlightened leadership,” and how much wealthier the “poor” nations of the world have become. This is their justification for moving forward with the Neoliberal project. To that end, any dissent from the status quo amounts to a return to barbarism! The “sacrifice zones” of the industrial heartlands of America and Europe are simply the price to pay for global progress. I call it “omelette ethics”—the idea that “You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs…”
Neither side deals with the idea that there are fundamental limits to growth, or that we have lost a great deal in our relentless push to modernize. None of them deal with the crises of unemployment, obesity, mental illness, or pollution, for example. To them, every problem we face can be solved with either more education, more economic growth, more markets, more migration, more regulations, or more technology, full stop.
Expanding and growing the economy is imperative for both the mainstream Right and Left; on this issue, there is no difference. Neither of them question the basic assumptions of our current society on a deeper level. I summarized them last time: productivism (growthism); top-down technocratic management; centralization of power; educational meritocracy; multiculturalism; cosmopolitanism; globalism; corporatism; consumerism; financialization; technological progress, laissez-faire capitalism; natalism, meliorism, scientific rationalism, materialism, the belief in “progress,” and so forth.
......
"Ah, yes, the mainstream Left’s think tanks are all about “Progress,” aren’t they, while the Right’s are all about “Freedom.” Neither offers much in the way of progress or freedom to anyone besides a small technocratic elite.
Techno-optimism, perpetual economic growth, multiculturalism, globalism, more education, “just desserts” meritocracy—there is really not much difference between the mainstream Left and Right anymore, is there? No wonder people are increasingly flocking to alternatives, including some very toxic ones."
Why Doesn't Anything Work Any More?
Has Our Society and World Become Too Complex for the Vast Majority of People In It?
I wonder how some people survive. I had to put another keyboard on this laptop and figured out this one will only work if plugged in while computer is booted up, that's not how it worked with another. I am one of those old people now, the world has left behind. Years ago I was tested as having an IQ in the top 5%, I would be in the bottom 5% however when it comes to mechanical and computer skills.
I tried to get a new cable for one of my computers, I used to get ones for around 10 dollars from this one computer repair shop. Anyhow I go there, and the guy tells me, "Oh we are out of computer cables". It looks like the partner who knew what he was doing has left the business and all the "old stuff" that filled the shelves and we got so cheaply was disposed of.
I said, "Can you get me a new cable?" He says, "Sure". I have waited two months due to my endless budget constraints and he quotes me a price of 35 dollars. I said, "For a computer cable"? I balk at the price and he assures me, "I am not ripping you off." I need another repair from him which is to get my keyboard replaced on my laptop, so we continue. He orders it. I have brought in the old one, for him to write down the number AND the laptop. My husband picks it up a week later, and it DOES NOT FIT. Fed up, I return it, and get my money back. I also figure out ebay ones cost around 15 dollars. I am done with his business and never want to go back. I can't trust him to fix the keyboard either. That is probably something I will have to teach myself to do off youtube and I found the keyboard for 15 dollars on ebay. He quoted me 65 dollars for that repair.
I get a free TV in a free-cycle deal, I think it is about 13 years old. It is younger then our TV which totally died, and we had to hit for months to make the picture tube work. Imagine Fonzie with the jukebox to shut it off. Anyhow the older TV is toast and the screen goes black forever. On that TV, the closed captioning worked. This TV it doesn't, the menu won't turn on with the remote. My cable company assures me I can get closed captioning. I talk to an agent online who orders me a new cable box that supposedly offers closed captioning, and well I get it, and it doesn't work. We talk to a new agent on the phone, and he tells us, it won't work. This new cable box cost 15 dollars to get for the mail. I am livid. They say they will order a new one. Stupid whistles and bell choices abound, like changing the color of your TV guide instead of anything for the hearing impaired or deaf. ADA seems dead in the water. I hate computer geeks even more and how they have ruined our life making everything more complicated.
I am not mechanical. I even had to take photographs of the back of the TV and cable box to match everything. I am not a computer engineer but somehow this society expects me to be one when it comes to everything. I feel like this whole world is geared for upper middle class and above technocrats. Today I told my husband, the cable will be turned off if the third box doesn't work. I can barely afford it anyway. We live in too "remote"of an area for that free TV some can get with the special box. Life was better when we could just buy the TV and turn it on without paying a monthly fee. TV without closed captioning is a bunch of mush mouths, funny how they speak far more clearly on commercials,so it is useless to me. He is more calm about these matters and tells me he will help me get it fixed.
I wonder why companies don't make things more simple. A company could make millions if they stripped things down and made things user friendly. Take away the stupid whistles and bells no one uses, I have never seen anyone change the stupid color on the cable TV guide, and make things understandable. I don't want a smart phone. That's just more money and irritation and stress. I'm old enough to remember when companies cared about what customers thought.
I wonder how some people survive. I had to put another keyboard on this laptop and figured out this one will only work if plugged in while computer is booted up, that's not how it worked with another. I am one of those old people now, the world has left behind. Years ago I was tested as having an IQ in the top 5%, I would be in the bottom 5% however when it comes to mechanical and computer skills.
I tried to get a new cable for one of my computers, I used to get ones for around 10 dollars from this one computer repair shop. Anyhow I go there, and the guy tells me, "Oh we are out of computer cables". It looks like the partner who knew what he was doing has left the business and all the "old stuff" that filled the shelves and we got so cheaply was disposed of.
I said, "Can you get me a new cable?" He says, "Sure". I have waited two months due to my endless budget constraints and he quotes me a price of 35 dollars. I said, "For a computer cable"? I balk at the price and he assures me, "I am not ripping you off." I need another repair from him which is to get my keyboard replaced on my laptop, so we continue. He orders it. I have brought in the old one, for him to write down the number AND the laptop. My husband picks it up a week later, and it DOES NOT FIT. Fed up, I return it, and get my money back. I also figure out ebay ones cost around 15 dollars. I am done with his business and never want to go back. I can't trust him to fix the keyboard either. That is probably something I will have to teach myself to do off youtube and I found the keyboard for 15 dollars on ebay. He quoted me 65 dollars for that repair.
I get a free TV in a free-cycle deal, I think it is about 13 years old. It is younger then our TV which totally died, and we had to hit for months to make the picture tube work. Imagine Fonzie with the jukebox to shut it off. Anyhow the older TV is toast and the screen goes black forever. On that TV, the closed captioning worked. This TV it doesn't, the menu won't turn on with the remote. My cable company assures me I can get closed captioning. I talk to an agent online who orders me a new cable box that supposedly offers closed captioning, and well I get it, and it doesn't work. We talk to a new agent on the phone, and he tells us, it won't work. This new cable box cost 15 dollars to get for the mail. I am livid. They say they will order a new one. Stupid whistles and bell choices abound, like changing the color of your TV guide instead of anything for the hearing impaired or deaf. ADA seems dead in the water. I hate computer geeks even more and how they have ruined our life making everything more complicated.
I am not mechanical. I even had to take photographs of the back of the TV and cable box to match everything. I am not a computer engineer but somehow this society expects me to be one when it comes to everything. I feel like this whole world is geared for upper middle class and above technocrats. Today I told my husband, the cable will be turned off if the third box doesn't work. I can barely afford it anyway. We live in too "remote"of an area for that free TV some can get with the special box. Life was better when we could just buy the TV and turn it on without paying a monthly fee. TV without closed captioning is a bunch of mush mouths, funny how they speak far more clearly on commercials,so it is useless to me. He is more calm about these matters and tells me he will help me get it fixed.
I wonder why companies don't make things more simple. A company could make millions if they stripped things down and made things user friendly. Take away the stupid whistles and bells no one uses, I have never seen anyone change the stupid color on the cable TV guide, and make things understandable. I don't want a smart phone. That's just more money and irritation and stress. I'm old enough to remember when companies cared about what customers thought.
Protesting
Our local protests have kept going. One staffer of the local Congressman's office, where a lot of the protests are held, asked since Trump's 100 days are up, if that means the protests are finished yet? The response is NO. We have the Democratic protesters and independents like me still out there. I made this sign the week, the trouble with Syria was getting started. Syria is on the Plan for the New American Century list with Iran next. It does seem like the anti-war movement is long dead. I saw a few independent protesters with "no to war" signs that week but far fewer then I expected. Sometimes you do ask yourself if protesting has any effect. I still believe it is better to speak out then not though. Trump the other day said, he thought being president would be "easier". He probably just thought he would get to parade around and get his picture taken while going to a few meetings and no actual "work" would be involved. That's a narcissist for you. Maybe he will quit, but then we would be stuck with Pence. You can tell he hates the actual job.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Advanced No Contact Thoughts and Ambiguous Loss
With the few cousins, I have to be careful, I feel like they keep secrets from me. They treat me at arms-length, that gets tiring. I have kept the contact very minimal on purpose. It says something to me, that they drive into my state to visit Uncle Narcissist, well one has visited me before and says he might soon again but this is several visits a year for that uncle and family gatherings my mother and sister are not at, that I remained uninvited from. I know I have to remain cautious. I can't go looking for something that isn't there.
I know yesterday's trigger came from a nice local friend talking about a vacation she was taking with sisters and another person going to family funeral. These are good people who are just talking about what is happening in their lives, but every ACON especially one NC from the entire family or most of them probably has those "family triggers" wondering how it went so wrong. With the years a lot of the pain has ebbed away but I still get my moments. I don't blame folks but I feel like the area I live in is far more family focused then many. I found one new older friend who seems to lack a family. This may sound weird, but that comes as a relief to me. Someone like that can understand someone like me more.
On Facebook, I ran into someone posting about ambiguous grief....this is grief for people who are still alive. With narcissists, we grieve the people who should have been there then who really are but many side relationships are lost. I will never see the nieces or nephews again. I lost Aunt Scapegoat years and years before she died. Losing the cousins, may happen. Going no contact means losing people who are living for many ACONS. There's times I tell strangers if they ask or it comes up, "I have no family" and I don't go into detail. It is easier that way, because in some ways the entire family "died" for me anyhow.
I have talked to my husband too about the "loss" over the would-be adoption and if there is a bio-family out there, how there was some grief for me over that as well. It is interesting adoption is listed in the slides as well. I had a mammogram operator ask me if my mother or sister had breast cancer and I gave her the honest answer "I don't know". She gave me a very weird look and I felt off. She pressed me for an explanation but I wish she had not. Remember if I am related at all to my sister or mother, my sister had cancer that was kept secret from me for more then three years. My brother told me she definitely had cancer. Remember in 2013, I was tested for kidney cancer which was negative, obviously the medical neglect boat rides on when it comes to my mother. I was never told what kind of cancer she had.
Being on health group websites for severe Lipedemics, it was painful to see people even in worse states of my condition, some even totally wheelchair bound and unable to walk, surrounded by loving family members and everyone I saw had relatives with the condition. I had more then a few thoughts how did they get a family and I didn't? There I have a weird mixture of loss for the family I may have missed out on. I know these relatives aren't talking. Keep in mind, one could have shut me up sending a picture of Queen Spider pregnant at the right time, or a photograph that is younger then the 6-8 month year old baby one I have seen.
I know some of this stuff has been painful for my husband, we had a conversation where I told him, I know you lacked for in-laws, and needed good ones. The majority of my husband's family is dead, WWII killed them, and his parents died on the young side in their 60s. He has only one living sister left in the entire country. There is one distant cousin in Texas and that's it. The adopted drug-addict cousin has vanished and we have not seen her in the streets here in three years.
I know for advanced no contact, when you are a few years in to get better you do have to accept the ambiguity and the fact there never will be closure. Trying to get closure we know with narcissists is impossible. Questions will never be answered. There will be no meeting of the minds, just gaslighting and lies. Things will not be fixed, and you have to figure out it's not your fault and not spend years and years tearing yourself apart over decisions OTHER people made.
I found it interesting how the ambiguous loss slides spoke of "being frozen". I had struggled with "being frozen" and even wrote on one message board, "Why can't I get them out of my brain" some time ago. In the slides, they talk about the "freezing of the grief process", a reference to mental illness is made, narcissism is chosen but NPD is a "mental illness" is it not? Well technically anyway, they do choose to become what they are. [see slide 10 of 31 at the link] It is an infectious one.
I have been able to come out of more of this stuff. It's taken a lot of thought. I started enjoying life more and had some of my depression massively ease up. I still have troubles in other arenas of life but the clouds did start to lift. It is important to warn ACONS, you may have "ambiguous loss" for the family that never was and the side relationships that were lost. It is important that some solutions for this are offered. You have to be okay with not figuring it all out. You have to get used to the ambiguity. You have to get used to the idea that some answers may never come in this life.
Random Thoughts about BPD
Ollie recently did a video on BPD. He calls them "monsters". Now, BPD is on a spectrum like NPD, so some are more malignant then others but since they are Cluster B, the damage to victims can be there. Ollie gets very passionate in this video, I understand why, BPDs can do a lot of harm. The way I personally feel about BPDs is that they are smiling at me while they are stabbing me in the back unlike Queen Spider and other narcissists who would not bother with smiles, and that same feeling of "invisibility" would happen in the room while they sucked up attention like a sponge. Some of his commenters were outraged and admitted they had BPD, and said their problems came out of fear and pain and not wanting to do anyone harm. The BPD issue can be a complex one. I got yelled at by some people diagnosed with BPD for being "unfair" about the disorder. Here I am talking about malignant BPD people too.
Aunt Confused with her multiple personalities definitely was on the malignant BPD wing of narcissism. She would actually refer to me as "her buddy". Yeah the buddy she couldn't be bothered to visit since 1997 as trips to the casino mattered far more. She was one of the worse flying monkeys too.
BPDS used to fool me because they had smiles for me and some nice words unlike malignant narcissists but I noticed they ALWAYS betrayed me for narcissists, and their issues and problems were always first on the roster.
I had some BPD friends, and those friendships were always very short lived--for some reason I didn't get in as deep with them, I was less prey to them then regular NPD narcissists, probably because I was "boring" to them and didn't add to the narcissistic supply. Some would use me for a counselor and then just dump me. They were usually the ones who vanished quite quickly in my life or I "felt scared" of them and I vanished first. I had one BPD friend who laughed about dating dangerous men and when she told me about almost getting raped in a parking lot, and letting men she met in the local county jail live with her, I ended that "friendship" of only a few months duration. BPDs usually love a lot of chaos. Aspies are too dull for BPD people, I noticed most of them passed over me quick to go drink or gamble or to go kiss NPD butt.
I recently had an online friend change personality so much, that I thought an imposter had taken over. For me, this is a giant warning of a BPD or other dysfunction in the room. They run hot and cold. One day you're the best, and the next you're their arch-enemy and can't do anything right. To Queen Spider, I sucked 24-7 but BPDs would love me one day and hate me the next, in some ways that could be even more painful. I did learn I never could depend on malignant BPDs, that's for sure.
Erin Moran Dies
They say she died of a heroin overdose. I always found it weird when she was reported as being homeless some year ago. Ron Howard and Henry Winkler couldn't float her few bucks to get her into rehab? They say heroin abuse is spreading even among Middle Aged people. It definitely has taken over my old small rural town. Hollywood sure seems to mess people up, and so many of them die far younger. It's sad that someone ended up homeless and drug addicted from a show called "Happy Days".
Update: Erin Moran died of stage IV cancer. We can't trust our news anymore. Yes I heard and READ the cause of death as being from heroin on the news too contrary to the bitchy commenter who claimed I was making things up because I'm a judgmental "fatty" or some crap like that.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
America is Becoming a Third World Nation
America is Regressing Into a Developing Nation for Most People
I'm considering a photography project, for fun and maybe a social message. I like taking pictures of abandoned houses and old buildings. There's a lot of them around here. Maybe I will post some here, soon. I don't own a fancy camera but sometimes get some good ones out of my basic digital camera. We have an inner city neighborhood of once where once very beautiful Victorian mansions have gone to ruin. Artistically I could sum up a lot about changes in America, that go beyond the ever-present abandoned mall ruins. The shacks behind Aldis would make interesting pictures. I am concerned though for those who live in these areas, things are worsening for them. Poverty can be relative. If you got a roof over your head, there's many that don't. While I have kept a mostly decent apartment, many are living in very sub-standard housing. There's levels of poverty that can go pretty deep. I am growing alarmed at some what I am seeing happen to others, friends priced out of apartments living in towns where they want 1300 a month even for studios, facing near homelessness, people going without medical care, it has made me count some fortunes, and my own near misses in life.
My immediate neighborhood is middle class and one I could be priced out of very soon, but the abandoned houses that surrounded me in my old small rural town, are popping up like mushrooms all over this area now. It gives me a weird queasy feeling because watching your town die can be traumatizing and it already happened to me once. I keep track of news from my old home even 10 years later and many were forced out like us, heroin use and despair has skyrocketed along with the crime rate in a used to be peaceful rural town.
America is definitely one place where economic and demographic separation has happened. Living on the rich side of town, "poor land" is only 2 miles and bridge crossing away. Since this is a smaller area, the rich here aren't isolated from the growing desolation that surrounds their neighborhoods but I have been in some richer places and suburbs, where you can almost imagine the 1980s are still in full swing with full bustling malls and big box stores, but those areas are getting smaller in number.
I was at the library yesterday, and took the bus there, I had to wait an hour and half for the Dial A Ride to show up. One can tell more people need the bus. We have kept our old car still running so for the way home, I had my husband just pick me up. I ran into someone I know and we talked about different issues of how in our town there is a huge class divide, between the rich and the poor and that there isn't much in the middle anymore. With my past faux family and with other people I have seen in "rich land", where they own new cars, go on vacations, and go shopping for fun, life is completely different. My brother when I was in contact with him, had no problem laying down hundreds or thousands of dollars on gambling over night hotel trips, Christmas presents and getting a new car every few years. With my mother, she had the vacation homes, trips and 50,000 dollar automobiles. I spoke of visiting "rich land" when discussing narcissists and money in this article.
The suburban well-heeled people here eat out and have their fancy new cars. This world is a world I see everyday but it is not one I live in. I don't blame the nice ones, I would eat out too and get a nice car if I had money for one. Some wealthier friends have told me, they see some of these trends going on, they wonder why American cities seem to be crumbling so fast, and now many rural and smaller towns. I live in the low-wage poverty world. It operates differently. It has occurred to me the "out of touchness" of the some of the more wealthy, middle class and above has grown. Among the Republican wealthier set, their disgust for the poor has grown. Their churches have told them poverty is the result of immorality, lack of hard work, and lack of education. So even now as the numbers of the poor grow, I suppose the top 20% are still keeping the pastors in their new cars and nice homes, so no one is discussing what is going on. They do not understand how we live or how we have to. In a far more technocratic society, many are being left behind.
It is interesting to me that this economist, says the "rich side" of life is at or around 20 percent, because recently I told someone, I thought the rich vs poor ratio in America was 20 percent rich with 80 percent poor. We have this thin silver of very wealthy and then a "professional class" that has been able to hold on to some vestiges of wealth. In my local area, the divide between Baby Boomers with far more wealth, those around 60 and above, and the poverty of Gen X and millennials is extreme. That said, we have some very poor Baby Boomers and other elderly people. One thing I have noticed is the level of home ownership is far higher among older people while people of my age, it is far lower. I believe society is breaking apart. I have met others, where while they did not come from toxic abusive narcissistic families where economic chasms have formed within families.
My newer friend and I talked about this giant class divide yesterday. I told her, there is a wide chasm between both worlds, the understanding is breaking down, some assume and judge. She told me she has tired of some wealthier people telling her all the poor are at fault for their lot. When Temin points out that the two live in two very different groups he is very correct. One thing I have noticed is how all news reports, and most articles are written for the 20 percent. I wonder what happens in a country where 80% of the population is written off and all policy and planning is done not even thinking of their needs? It is good to see an economist addressing these matters. Yes, America is becoming a third world nation.
America is Regressing into a Developing Nation for Most People
A new book by economist Peter Temin finds that the U.S. is no longer one country, but dividing into two separate economic and political worlds
You’ve probably heard the news that the celebrated post-WW II beating heart of America known as the middle class has gone from “burdened,” to “squeezed” to “dying.” But you might have heard less about what exactly is emerging in its place.
In a new book, The Vanishing Middle Class: Prejudice and Power in a Dual Economy, Peter Temin, Professor
Emeritus of Economics at MIT, draws a portrait of the new reality in a way that is frighteningly, indelibly clear: America is not one country anymore. It is becoming two, each with vastly different resources, expectations, and fates.
Emeritus of Economics at MIT, draws a portrait of the new reality in a way that is frighteningly, indelibly clear: America is not one country anymore. It is becoming two, each with vastly different resources, expectations, and fates.
Two roads diverged
In one of these countries live members of what Temin calls the “FTE sector” (named for finance, technology, and electronics, the industries which largely support its growth). These are the 20 percent of Americans who enjoy college educations, have good jobs, and sleep soundly knowing that they have not only enough money to meet life’s challenges, but also social networks to bolster their success. They grow up with parents who read books to them, tutors to help with homework, and plenty of stimulating things to do and places to go. They travel in planes and drive new cars. The citizens of this country see economic growth all around them and exciting possibilities for the future. They make plans, influence policies, and count themselves as lucky to be Americans.
The FTE citizens rarely visit the country where the other 80 percent of Americans live: the low-wage sector. Here, the world of possibility is shrinking, often dramatically. People are burdened with debt and anxious about their insecure jobs if they have a job at all. Many of them are getting sicker and dying younger than they used to. They get around by crumbling public transport and cars they have trouble paying for. Family life is uncertain here; people often don’t partner for the long-term even when they have children. If they go to college, they finance it by going heavily into debt. They are not thinking about the future; they are focused on surviving the present. The world in which they reside is very different from the one they were taught to believe in. While members of the first country act, these people are acted upon.
The two sectors, notes Temin, have entirely distinct financial systems, residential situations, and educational opportunities. Quite different things happen when they get sick, or when they interact with the law. They move independently of each other. Only one path exists by which the citizens of the low-wage country can enter the affluent one, and that path is fraught with obstacles. Most have no way out.
I'm considering a photography project, for fun and maybe a social message. I like taking pictures of abandoned houses and old buildings. There's a lot of them around here. Maybe I will post some here, soon. I don't own a fancy camera but sometimes get some good ones out of my basic digital camera. We have an inner city neighborhood of once where once very beautiful Victorian mansions have gone to ruin. Artistically I could sum up a lot about changes in America, that go beyond the ever-present abandoned mall ruins. The shacks behind Aldis would make interesting pictures. I am concerned though for those who live in these areas, things are worsening for them. Poverty can be relative. If you got a roof over your head, there's many that don't. While I have kept a mostly decent apartment, many are living in very sub-standard housing. There's levels of poverty that can go pretty deep. I am growing alarmed at some what I am seeing happen to others, friends priced out of apartments living in towns where they want 1300 a month even for studios, facing near homelessness, people going without medical care, it has made me count some fortunes, and my own near misses in life.
My immediate neighborhood is middle class and one I could be priced out of very soon, but the abandoned houses that surrounded me in my old small rural town, are popping up like mushrooms all over this area now. It gives me a weird queasy feeling because watching your town die can be traumatizing and it already happened to me once. I keep track of news from my old home even 10 years later and many were forced out like us, heroin use and despair has skyrocketed along with the crime rate in a used to be peaceful rural town.
America is definitely one place where economic and demographic separation has happened. Living on the rich side of town, "poor land" is only 2 miles and bridge crossing away. Since this is a smaller area, the rich here aren't isolated from the growing desolation that surrounds their neighborhoods but I have been in some richer places and suburbs, where you can almost imagine the 1980s are still in full swing with full bustling malls and big box stores, but those areas are getting smaller in number.
I was at the library yesterday, and took the bus there, I had to wait an hour and half for the Dial A Ride to show up. One can tell more people need the bus. We have kept our old car still running so for the way home, I had my husband just pick me up. I ran into someone I know and we talked about different issues of how in our town there is a huge class divide, between the rich and the poor and that there isn't much in the middle anymore. With my past faux family and with other people I have seen in "rich land", where they own new cars, go on vacations, and go shopping for fun, life is completely different. My brother when I was in contact with him, had no problem laying down hundreds or thousands of dollars on gambling over night hotel trips, Christmas presents and getting a new car every few years. With my mother, she had the vacation homes, trips and 50,000 dollar automobiles. I spoke of visiting "rich land" when discussing narcissists and money in this article.
The suburban well-heeled people here eat out and have their fancy new cars. This world is a world I see everyday but it is not one I live in. I don't blame the nice ones, I would eat out too and get a nice car if I had money for one. Some wealthier friends have told me, they see some of these trends going on, they wonder why American cities seem to be crumbling so fast, and now many rural and smaller towns. I live in the low-wage poverty world. It operates differently. It has occurred to me the "out of touchness" of the some of the more wealthy, middle class and above has grown. Among the Republican wealthier set, their disgust for the poor has grown. Their churches have told them poverty is the result of immorality, lack of hard work, and lack of education. So even now as the numbers of the poor grow, I suppose the top 20% are still keeping the pastors in their new cars and nice homes, so no one is discussing what is going on. They do not understand how we live or how we have to. In a far more technocratic society, many are being left behind.
It is interesting to me that this economist, says the "rich side" of life is at or around 20 percent, because recently I told someone, I thought the rich vs poor ratio in America was 20 percent rich with 80 percent poor. We have this thin silver of very wealthy and then a "professional class" that has been able to hold on to some vestiges of wealth. In my local area, the divide between Baby Boomers with far more wealth, those around 60 and above, and the poverty of Gen X and millennials is extreme. That said, we have some very poor Baby Boomers and other elderly people. One thing I have noticed is the level of home ownership is far higher among older people while people of my age, it is far lower. I believe society is breaking apart. I have met others, where while they did not come from toxic abusive narcissistic families where economic chasms have formed within families.
My newer friend and I talked about this giant class divide yesterday. I told her, there is a wide chasm between both worlds, the understanding is breaking down, some assume and judge. She told me she has tired of some wealthier people telling her all the poor are at fault for their lot. When Temin points out that the two live in two very different groups he is very correct. One thing I have noticed is how all news reports, and most articles are written for the 20 percent. I wonder what happens in a country where 80% of the population is written off and all policy and planning is done not even thinking of their needs? It is good to see an economist addressing these matters. Yes, America is becoming a third world nation.
The Fat Virus
Fat-haters hate science too, so ignore the comments below this one on youtube. I wrote about this theory years ago. This is definitely a video to check out. Obesity is like epilepsy was years ago when they deemed people who had it as all being possessed. I believe that there will be more scientific vindication for obese people as time passes and not just for people who have disorders like Lipedema or Prader-Willi. No one wants to be severely obese.
Girls With Single Parents: Twice As Likely To Be Obese
Girls With Single Parents: Twice as Likely to Be Obese
But that’s where the strongest similarities ended. A dependency on prepackaged foods was one of the leading factors among obesity in both younger (between the ages of 5 and 11) and older (aged 12 to 17) boys. Meanwhile, girls of all ages were greatly affected by their parents’ marital status. Younger girls with single parents were more than twice as likely to be obese as girls living in two-parent households. And the older girls were three times more likely to suffer from a severe weight problem.
“We do not know why girls from single-parent households are more likely to be obese,” stated Peter O’Rourke, professor at QIMR Berghofer Medical Research Institute, in a press release. “More research is needed in this area.”
“The data would have the same results for kids in the United States, too,” Julie Upton, co-founder of Appetite for Health, tells Yahoo Beauty. “In fact, there are similar studies that have been conducted here that found the same things.”
For example, research conducted by medical investigators from California discovered that children from single-mother families — and especially children who were also without siblings — were at higher risk for obesity than children living with two parents and children with brothers and sister
With obesity, they need to take the socio-economic factors seriously. I believe they are more fat from probably the higher risk of stress and cortisol surges too from broken homes and economic despair and problems. Children do pick up on the stress of other wise well-intentioned but poor and divorced parents. There is also the higher quantity of prepared food, from working single mothers with very little time to cook.
Experimental Bead Painting
I had this box of African beads and decided to do a painting of them grouped together. I know this one is more of a pattern painting. In this case I have not put this one up for sale yet but may in the future:
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
Butterfly Painting for Sale
Like always, if you are interested, contact me here, at fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com and I will send you my ebay link. This painting is 20 inches by 16 inches. I based it on a photograph I took too.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Doctor Dragged Off Plane
I don't fly. Even if I had money and health enough to, I am so against TSA, I would refuse. This is horrible, they overbook the flight, pick 4 passengers by random and then drag one of them off. This guy is a doctor who told them he had patients to see in the morning, and they ignored him. He paid for his ticket like everyone else. What makes me sick, are all the people watching this man being dragged off, who do nothing about it. I guess at least one recorded it, so he will have an easier time suing. The low IQ Nazis don't want to hear any excuses, for all they know he had patients scheduled for life saving surgeries in the morning. Later on the CNN news, it was reported he had a broken nose that needs surgery with sinus involvement and a severe concussion. The police state in America is getting too harsh.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
If You Have Been Told You are Too Sensitive
I realized having feelings is a good thing, and all the people who tried to shame me for being emotional and having feelings, were the ones who were wrong. [the forgiveness part sounds good but be careful of false forgiveness with narcissists] This shift in thinking helped me a lot. I never wanted to be one of those cold "insensitive" people. Could I ever be? Who wants to be them? They can be buried in a pile of money and have good health and enjoy nothing because their hearts have become frozen. I posted this video on my Facebook account and one friend wrote this,"The meek shall inherit the earth. Those without feelings will reap what they sow.". I definitely agree!
Seagull Meeting
Took this picture the other day. It looks the seagulls were all watching and waiting for something. I had never seen them stand on the pilings like that all in one big group.
The Chains Will Never Bind You: You Will Be Okay
I always loved this song. I saw Les Miserables twice in college on the stage. All of us who have escaped want to tell newly realized ACONS, you can be free. I found myself telling my husband after a nice day at the art museum and eating some Chinese food, I can feel time itself healing the wounds. I said to him, the bad stuff is ebbing away more, like a receding tide. The false guilt goes poof. You live life, time marches on. Grief smooths away, even grief at losing a "family" you never really had. Don't give up in the process. I know it can be hard but time helps a lot. You can be free. Thanks to Narcissistic Survivor for this video.
"For the wretched of the earth
There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
They will live again in freedom
In the garden of the Lord.
We will walk behind the ploughshare;
We will put away the sword.
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward."
When Narcissists Ban Photos of You
A sample family photo wall, not my relatives, it's from Pinterest.
I've mentioned this one in passing, in articles, but if your "family" doesn't take your picture, or you are refused a spot on the family picture wall, it definitely means something.
This may sound like a trite thing, but I was thinking about this the other day, having general thoughts about my life improving away from narcs.., and thinking why was this TOLERATED?
My mother's house was literally plastered in pictures of my sister, husband and her kids. Framed photos of all the children sit on every corner of the living room. There are some hanging up on the wall too.
No picture of me was ever put on the wall. Not one. As a child, she had a picture up for a short time in the 1970s that included me, and my sister and brother together, but that would be it. In these later years I had been wiped from existence.
In the early 2000s, I gave Queen Spider a painted picture frame that included a very nice photo of me and my husband standing side by side. It never made an appearance on any wall. I remember giving it to her and this "gift" basically vanishing. This photo and frame never made another appearance in this world. If I did not have a photo of giving it to her with her staring at me holding it with dead pan eyes and no smile, I would have forgotten it existed.
My brother has two kids, two sons. She never had one picture of them up ANYWHERE in the whole house. The GC's kids even got their pictures on magnets on the fridge. I asked my brother once if he ever gave her pictures of his kids, he said "Yes". My mother took pictures all the time herself. For some reason, my brother and his kids did not pass the narcissistic "looks" test to earn a place on her walls or tables either.
It is kind of interesting to me how this was accepted and tolerated in the family. I pointed it once to my brother who said, "Why do you care about this stuff?" and got angry, and said his usual "That's just the way she is", like we were supposed to all accept it.
Now I was banned from my grandmother's photo wall too. My grandmother had this big living room wall she had plastered in family photos, every grandchild, family photos, personal portraits. My sister's wedding picture was up there, a picture of my brother somewhere, my mother's wedding photo, etc. Everything was lined up and arranged. She added new pictures to it all the time. New babies and new martial partners always got their place too.
For years, I was not included on this photo wall either. I remember complaining a few times, and they ignored me or laughed it off. So here too, I gave my grandmother, a painted picture frame and put a nice wedding photo of me and my husband in it, for one Christmas. Some months later, I would return, and noticed this photo was hanged on an opposite wall, not the main photo wall, where everyone else's picture was hanging and half hidden by built in wall shelf. Aunt Scapegoat's picture had been moved off the main wall too and hung under mine and the wall case and another picture almost obscured them both. It was a definitely and full blown snub. Back then I wondered about imaging things and being too picky now I realize what was being done.
When I think about those pictures, and how I was already "erased", I knew I had been smart to walk and go no contact and it had been overdue for a long long time. If anyone treats you this way, with that degree of contempt that you are not even allowed to be on the family photo wall, it's long past time to walk and be done with a group of people. The fact this could be done in front of everyone's eyes, spoke volumes. If you are an ACON thinking about no contact, look at the photographs in your relatives houses. Is your picture anywhere, or those of your kids?
When you are NC for some time, many things will fall into perspective. In four decades of life and every relative saw these displays, no one asked my mother why she had no picture of me hanging up anywhere in the house, and no one asked my grandmother why I was banned from the "family" photo wall for life.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Malignant Narcissism on My 600lb Life?
If you want to see possible NPD/sociopathy in full swing, take a look at the recent My 600lb life show with Steven Assanti and his brother Justin. They never have put up such a dysfunctional family on that show. I wonder about them going to the bottle of the barrel to find the worse fat people to make all super-fat people look bad. The show has gone from "inspiration" which I never bought into the wonders of WLS solving all problems to "side show horrors". Could there be an agenda with showing severely fat people who are like this? In Steven's case, why did they choose such a mentally ill/dark soul? This guy is like a one man advertisement for societal rejection and cutting off of the severely obese. He acts like one of those crazy "mind control" people that conspiracy websites are always warning about.
I even saw a petition for Steven Assanti to have all medical care shut off, due to his abuse of nurses and refusal to take any responsibility for his health. This is a show that definitely will INCREASE the hatred of fat people especially supersized people. In many ways I wish I didn't watch it. It was triggering and now I am watching it like a train-wreck kind of like Whitney Thore, to warn about it to others on this blog. I am NOT a supporter. As they fatten us up, and people become more severely obese, poster children for hatred of the obese are now becoming common on our media.
Steven Assanti makes sick. Spiritually, he looks completely seared. Considering my condition I am usually empathetic towards those who share conditions like my own but this guy made me want to puke. Some in the crucible of severe childhood abuse, do become like their abusers or choose evil. The show seems to show some evidence for drug abuse too. I know this show is destroying reputations of superfat people and how people will blame us all for our condition. To be frank,Steven Assanti with his high pitched voice, and other signs made me wonder if he has a chromosomal condition such as Klinefelter's or something. That condition doesn't explain or justify the severe malignant narcissism, everyone saw displayed before us on our TV sets.
I'm not the type to think people should be shut away from society but I kept wondering of him, why isn't he in a mental institution of some type or a group home getting some HELP or at least protecting the rest of society? The father is part of the problem too. I made the mistake of looking up his name online and his mental condition and his inability for empathy and immaturity are EXTREME.
I don't want to give this guy anymore attention but if you search for "fatboygetdown" on Youtube, you can see his old videos. It's a link I do not want any track backs from. He is seriously ill and [evil], beyond the weight. When I was watching the show on My 600lb life, I immediately thought narcissistic sociopath though a more blatant less cunning one that doesn't do a very good job of covering up to fool people. He was put in the news for being thrown out of the hospital for ordering pizzas and was on the "Dr Phil's" house years and years ago, where he didn't get along with anyone.
Justin the brother, needs to go no contact with his family to have any hope. I think he could have a chance to gain a better life in learning some social skills and seeing possibilities beyond his upbringing. I saw his youtube channel too. He posted a news story about his brother. Hopefully he can get his own weight under control as well.
Old House
I took this picture a couple of weeks ago. I have an interest in taking pictures of old houses and ruins. The shut up windows could serve as a metaphor of sorts. One can tell this is very old housing stock from the 1800s.
Ayn Rand: The Gospel of Selfishness
During my 20s, I read her books, most young people of some intellectual bent do, thankfully the books did not rot my brain and I kept asking myself one question, "How come there are no children, old people or disabled people in her books?" Everyone was young, strong and in control.
I read Liberty magazine, a blue covered magazine exploring culture by libertarian edicts. Some of what libertarians have to say about civil liberties is good, but those got unloaded quick in the so called alt-right. Do you think Trump and Paul Ryan want to reduce the police state or care about vetoing a law where they now want to allow megacorporations to buy your browsing history? Ayn Rand was like a pissed off beatnik who got it in her mind to worship "free love", "theosophy" and glorify capitalism to greater heights then ever before. There's a reason today's right wing worships the bankers. Ayn Rand with her "Creators" gospel started all this nonsense, where the uber rich were to be honored and glorified. She is like transcendentalism for hard core capitalists. She basically made a "religion" out of greed and added a bunch of philosophical mumbo-jumbo and Nietzsche "super-man" yearnings.
From what I have seen of the Libertarian community now, the point of Social Darwinism runs the whole show, if you weaken, your fate should be death. Libertarianism is not a philosophy that works for the disabled. One ironic thing is Rose Wilder Lane espoused the philosophies of libertarianism, if you know what to look for. The influence is in the Little House books. Back then in a more agricultural society, there were facets of the "self reliance" at all costs philosophy that had it's attractiveness. The idea that every man for himself can work now in a megacorporate society where social ties have been cut down to nothing, when small business, land ownership and capital is limited among average folks, is insanity.
Big government or Big Bankers in charge? Ayn Rand was for the big banker "creators" and now in the world of third way politics, where one owns the other, what is the difference anymore?
"A Skeleton Key to the Alt-Right"
"The best way to ensure this result is laissez-faire (leave alone) capitalism! Only the anarchic market devoid of any rules allows the naturally strong (i.e. the genetically superior) to climb to the top. This is where their love of Ayn Rand and her writings comes into play. Like Rand, they believe that it is the “natural order” for the strong and talented to dominate the weak and feckless (and they invariably depict themselves as the strong and talented, and their opponents as less capable and intelligent). And only capitalism–with as few restrictions on the behavior of the elites–is an effective Darwinian mechanism. Of course, the naturally strong and talented people at the top of society tend to be disproportionately white males.
This is the reason they despise the existence of the state and intervention in the “free” market–it allows the weak and feckless to survive at the expense of the strong and capable. Social safety nets, which keep the poor alive, are bad, because they allow the genetically inferior to survive and breed. They are particularly contemptuous of notions of “fairness.” Things which help traditionally disadvantaged members of society–things like quotas and welfare–are undesirable because people on the bottom are there for a very good reason–that’s where they naturally deserve to be!
They embrace an absolute “Might Makes Right” ethos. Any attempts at justice, fairness or solidarity are doomed to fail, they argue, because society is a constant, unremitting struggle of all against all, and always has been. Furthermore, they believe that this is a profoundly good thing! Not only is it a good thing, but we should strive to create as much of a “winner take all” society as we possibly can, because only such a society will Darwinian evolution be driven to the fullest extent. They believe that human nature is fundamentally competitive and acquisitive. Thus, they take capitalism as “natural” and anything else as “unnatural” and therefore “social engineering.”
A Skeleton Key to the Alt-Right
This is the reason they despise the existence of the state and intervention in the “free” market–it allows the weak and feckless to survive at the expense of the strong and capable. Social safety nets, which keep the poor alive, are bad, because they allow the genetically inferior to survive and breed. They are particularly contemptuous of notions of “fairness.” Things which help traditionally disadvantaged members of society–things like quotas and welfare–are undesirable because people on the bottom are there for a very good reason–that’s where they naturally deserve to be!
They embrace an absolute “Might Makes Right” ethos. Any attempts at justice, fairness or solidarity are doomed to fail, they argue, because society is a constant, unremitting struggle of all against all, and always has been. Furthermore, they believe that this is a profoundly good thing! Not only is it a good thing, but we should strive to create as much of a “winner take all” society as we possibly can, because only such a society will Darwinian evolution be driven to the fullest extent. They believe that human nature is fundamentally competitive and acquisitive. Thus, they take capitalism as “natural” and anything else as “unnatural” and therefore “social engineering.”
A Skeleton Key to the Alt-Right