I and another blogger Lise decided to write on this subject together. We often discussed intergenerational narcissism and related matters with each other.
I've interacted with Lise for years on her blog "Misadventures with Angry Alcoholics, Bullies and Narcissists". She has written many good articles. I've linked to her blog and have read her many posts that go into details about the dynamics of narcissistic personality disorder in families. She is a valuable asset to the ACON community.
She is a fellow artist, and also a musician, her work is wonderful. We have discussed everything from art to politics. and we have befriended each other over the years. She is a blessing in my life. She's someone I've been able to turn to, and talk about the craziness in my life and she's offered me empathy, understanding and interesting deep intellectual conversations.
One day I was pondering to her in an email, "Why won't other scapegoats in a family ally with scapegoats?"......and the idea for this subject was born....
Here is her article as well....Do Scapegoats Hurt Other Scapegoats? ...
Why won't other scapegoats in the family ally with me?
Why don't scapegoats ever partner with each other in the same family?
Why wouldn't my niece visit or ever email?
Why didn't my nephews who lived on the computer ever email or reach out?
Why did the family follow each other lock step?
Why didn't anyone ever listen to my side of the story?
Some of us may still feel pain at the losses. Especially as friends die, and other ties are cut.
After the years of no contact tick by, some of us ask ourselves, "How did we lose everyone?" Why was every relationship held in common with my mother or other narcissistic relative destroyed? Every holiday especially on social media can get rough, watching others hang out with cousins, and family members.
Some of us who go no contact flounder for years trying to reach out hoping they can preserve some relationships, but often face endless disappointment and this builds up over the years. Without fail many ACONS realize with horror, that to really be safe, they must walk away from their entire family down to the last cousin. No one is to be trusted within the family system. The only way to heal is a complete clean break. The flying monkeys are way too numerous. The family is entrenched like a cult. No one is going to break away. No one is ever going to defend you. Even with the nicest relative, the underlying drumbeat of contempt continues. As the fog clears, you can't tolerate it.
I have asked myself if I want to connect with extended cousins and other family members after my mother dies. My mother is very old now. Sadly it would probably just be more of the same. Last year a cousin called to tell me he had divorced, he didn't ask much about me, and I was very cautious in the phone call in case he still had contact with my mother. I just got off the phone in a hurry after offering a few condolences.
I've been let down so often, that I think "Why should I? Everyone had their chance!" Just more disappointment will come. Too often I resorted to pleading, "Why can't you see me outside of the way she has defined me to you?" It was knocking on the most hard heads in the world. I can't do a "friendly" acquaintanceship, keep everything light relationship with these people either. They've angered me far too much. There was always new betrayal. I tried for too long and it didn't work out. There's nothing to build on. If no new positive memories are made, relationships will vaporize like a fart in the wind. I can't even relax around them enough to build any positive or happy memories.
As time passes, we realize we are forgotten, some successfully go on to new lives, and build themselves up. I definitely had things going better but the economic problems are always an ongoing issue.
I found solace in art, however my "rebuilt" life got firebombed by Covid, and having some other personal changes. I am in a holding pattern now, waiting out on subsidized housing. I'm still researching some back-up towns to go to, to begin my new life. Life is dull here, so many places have closed.
It's scary to start over at this age. I have a few regional friends that are very important to me which is a good thing and positive activities shared with them and an out of town art club. However Covid ruined so much and basically chipped away the life and community I had built. Having to start over is rough and now I'm kind of in a stuck pattern, trying to figure out what to do next. I'm aging with very bad disabilities as my readers already know.
I was hoovered in a very negative way, I decided not to write about, it was a year ago. I didn't break no contact, but it had to do with something very positive [a success] in my life, that my mother attempted to "ruin". It was a rerun of the reading contest all over again but on an adult level. She sought to embarrass me. She tried to turn others against me. It didn't work.
Other relatives were involved too. They will never see me as a person, and their attitudes of mockery continued. It had nothing to do with attempts at reconciliation but jealousy and insanity. Time is my friend as she grows old, but I was right to be wary and know I may be facing "dangers". It really upset feeling like I could relax. Since I have held to my no contact, I have not been bothered in a year but I've had other surprises before. There's no fixing any of this. She's got all of them in her grip.
It's the sad reality, that scapegoats are so isolated, that even others who are abused by the same narcissist won't come to your aid. Never expect even the other abused in your family to come running to help you! They may complain about the narcissist, they may sit there and agree with you about how abusive they are. They may tell you the malignant narcissist and family psychopath did very bad things to them too but as many of us have discovered, other scapegoats will often throw you under the bus!
For years, I pondered this, why won't the other scapegoats team up with me. After all my mother yelled at them, put them down, and treated them badly too. How did she manage to turn them on me too?
My mother had other scapegoats. I wasn't the only person she maligned or treated badly.
They included Aunt Scapegoat, my father's sister or half-sister Aunt Confused, my brother's ex-wife, friends she turned on, and my brother was a second-tier scapegoat as well. My brother could also have been defined as a lost child, but her ire turned on him at times.
My brother was spoiled a lot and they gave into his demands but he was hit a lot as well. He got locked in his room often, banging on the wall next to me, and both my father and mother hit him. Later after we were adults, he was left out of family events, disinvited and my mother complained incessantly about him. [smear campaigns] His pictures or those of his children weren't hung on her walls either. He admitted to me before that my mother and sister don't have a normal affect and don't have normal feelings like other people. His are skewed too but he remarked on how "cold" they both were. He even told me once, he told them to visit me more and to stop blowing me off, when I was still in contact.
However he was no ally either. He always defended them and "the system"
Here's a sample conversation. [this conversation happened after I went no contact with my mother and sister, but before I went no contact with him]
Brother: But if you're not talking to mom what is there for me to say to her?
Peep: Probably nothing. But to stand up for me, if she brings me up at all. She has trashed me to others and is working on you! I could tell this last time I talked with you.
Brother: If you want me to tell her something then tell me what it is. She knows I agree with some of what you have said.
Peep: Where she will get you to believe I am crazy and making up stuff, she should not be surprised I walked. I'm not coming back either. The way she trashed me to others is so insidious, I put up article on my Facebook wall about how these types do it and it was never ending.
Brother: Ok I'll let her know. I'm not going to do that though. You need to put shit behind you. You seem to have an issue with that. Fuck all the shit they did to me as well I should be in prison on a fucking double homicide charge.
Peep: I could tell she said bad stuff about me being disabled to [aunt and cousin], I can't forgive and forget when the abuse is ongoing.
Brother: But I'm middle aged now, have a business, girl friend, kids and a life. I put all that shit behind me.
Peep: I forgave years ago. I am talking about the new shit and the fact that I won't accept new abuses and disrespect. This is why I have gone no contact with them.
Brother: Let it go!
And here was another conversation. One could tell when the narcissist had been around them to do a reprogramming session. [such as when he says there's been no negative behavior but at other times states there has been] Those times were interesting to me. He would admit abusive behavior and even say he had been abused like in his above joking comment that he should have had a double homicide charge. They were bad to him too, but you can see here the reversion where he states "I haven't seen all the negative behavior"....
Brother: I will tell you this: In all honesty I haven't seen all the negative behavior towards you that you say has happen. I agree that the family should make exceptions for your health and have brought that up to them including Mom. But I cannot make them do something they don't want to do. I missed many a family gathering simple because it was held on a Saturday (which means if I missed work I would lose money, but I cannot see how any reasonable person would expect them to change it to Sunday if Saturday works best for the majority of family members attending.
Brother: So I don't hold it against them for that. It's life. Deal with it, get over it, move on!
Brother: And understand mom never said one negative thing about you when she visited. She only asked how you were doing. Can't defend against a simple question like that now can I? What was I suppose to reply "Fuck you, you don't care about her anyway?" If you expected me to answer that way then the only choice you have is to either realize I won't or cut off all contact with me. But remember mom knows me well enough to know that IF she had said something negative I would have defend you which is why she never does. Maybe to other members of the family she does but not to me.
I took him up on that offer and made the choice for no contact. I have been no contact with him for 7-8 years. There was nothing to work with there. He was a brick wall. He was against my no contact and basically with all his "let it go" statements was telling me to shut up, get back in line and take all the abuse.
Later in the conversation he would admit that they blew me off for years and closed me out of family events and were rejecting. I told him, "I'm not there to beg anymore that is why I have gone no contact". I responded, "You didn't have to cuss her out but you could have stood up and said Peep went no contact for a reason".
During that visit years ago, according to my brother, my mother confronted his ex-wife in some court hallway and told her off. There was so many games and drama. I don't miss any of it. He will have no illusions as to why I am gone. I made it clear on that occasion and others. So much time has passed now, I still feel sadness over how things turned out. I don't get to have a brother like other people, but my biggest emotion is relief, over not having to deal with any of this stuff anymore. He always put me on edge. I was never listened to. He always chose my abusers and those who put me down. His actions did not match his words, he even visited my state from hundreds of miles away, and then claimed at my mother's insistence that he and my nephews were "too busy" for a visit.
One thing many ACONS face, is the horrible realization that there are no allies to be found when they leave an abusive family. Some of us reel for years, thinking why couldn't there be one ally? Why aren't the other abused people standing up for us? Why aren't they pissed too? Why are they groveling even harder? Why aren't they allies? Why don't they stand with us? After all the abusers treat them like dirt and vilify them, it would seem natural right? But that's not the way it happens.
Narcissistic families are like cults, and even most of the underlings will all run to kneel the Grand Poo-bah, or 'cult leaders". The worship of the leaders is there, and anyone who attacks the leader is to be silenced, or shunned. Sadly many scapegoats or ex-scapegoats realize abusive narcissistic parents lead many others to scapegoat us. They then pass out rewards for doing so. Don't forget that part! When others in a family system are mean to a scapegoat, the narcissists will praise them, give them a smiling nod, and that means more money, compliments and avoiding abuse themselves. Many lower tier scapegoats will do what "mommy" and "daddy" say to divert punishments from themselves. Even if they are treated like crap, they will try to divert more of the "bad stuff" to someone else.
These family systems operate in a way to may sure no alliances against the narcissist occur. Narcissists always operate in "getting ahead" mode. They don't allow loose ends to happen. They won't allow your otherwise ignored cousin to befriend you because people who talk can start comparing notes. They are extremely talented at manipulation. They have ways even through body language to get bystanders to shut down their own warning systems to allow evil to flourish. How many times have we seen a group of people all focus on a scapegoat at the behest of a toxic person? It starts early with bullies in the playground and extends to adult workplaces and organizations.
One thing that happens is if you speak up about abuse in a dysfunctional family is often it will make you a target. Many scapegoats will hide their angst, and I was guilty of it at times too, keeping the smiles on, tolerating bad behavior to "keep peace". The whole family learns to walk on eggshells and turns their anger on those who speak out instead of the narcissistic ones creating the problems in the first place. After all the narcissists use their carefully crafted rage to blast everyone and control via fear and intimidation. Sadly. too many people give in to these dynamics and let cowardice run the decision making. A fellow child of course is not guilty being in a powerless position but sadly there are many enabling adults. I wrote about in the "Betrayal of the Bystanders"
I've read true crime and have watched crime videos on Youtube. You notice with the criminal parents who do the abusing, the endless bystanders who stand by silently and even via neglect don't try to protect the children or call help for help. Relatives, divorced spouses, grandma, etc. all drop the ball when it comes to the abused kids, often it is a kid finally escaping or a neighbor or an outsider finally dropping a dime on the psychopaths. Where was the Dad during the Ruby Franke and Jodi Hildebrandt case? How long did Jayme Kushman abuse her kids with various girlfriends, friends seeing the chains hanging by the kid's beds? How did the Turpin parents abuse their kids for years without anyone noticing? Some people had to know or have some inkling. Often these abusive parents will bring in a new partner or other people to even "help" them with the abusing. How does this happen? How many give in to narcissistic, sociopathic or psychopathic mind control? How many ignore what is right in front of their eyes, even in these horrific abuse cases just from being gaslighted? How many choose cowardice instead of saving children in horrific abuse situations? Some of these folks themselves especially in the cases of spouses, and boyfriend or girlfriends to toxic people also faced abuse from the abusers as well or joined in on it.
If you have ever read about prison systems or gulags or concentration camps, there were always prisoners who while abused and oppressed themselves always did dirty work, for the guards and wardens, like concentration camp kapos. They were locked in too and beaten at times too, but guess where the loyalty landed? For the oppressors, and to get rewards. The powerful can be evil, impose draconian rules, bring war, misery and suffering, and they will have no end to lackeys to lick their boots and defend their "crimes against humanity". All we have to do is look at a long list of genocides, wars, and violence, to see how often the most wicked are enabled, and there's plenty of "helpers" to carry out their dastardly deeds or protect them.
This sadly is a very negative trait of humanity, the worship of the evil, the fear of them, the scurrying to please the most cruel and most inhumane. It's not the nice people getting the family to run about doing their bidding, it's the malignant narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. I know my family prided itself on hardness competitiveness and success in the material world, by hook or by crook. Many relatives bragged about "breaking the rules". As I got away from my brother, he constantly bragged about his money, his business, his children, all the things he saw me as lacking, incessantly and it was part of the abuse I dealt with him. The day I got endless pictures of his new furniture on Facebook in one message said it all! Sadly even other scapegoats or abused in a family system will embrace the family "ethos" or "standards". I noticed this with my brother with his focus on competition and materialism.
He was disliked by relatives, even my grandmother said to me once, "I can't stand your brother!", at family gatherings. They'd all start talking about him calling him a loser, with comments about his business. His bad grades, business, Appalachian girlfriend, lifestyle, and poor taste was analyzed with fine tooth combs. My sister often mocked him for being poorer [in his case, I was even poorer] and would say to me, "He's asked for money from Mom, yet again!" Why was this any of her business? Yeah he got a lot of money, but I found that weird, since she didn't suffer from any poverty problems at all with her wealthy husband. What was there to resent?
He seemed to live in a haze of denial about how the family treated him and expected me to follow in the same footsteps of this disassociation. He made constant excuses for them. This bounced to other areas of his life, many of his friends seemed to spend a lot of time making fun of him, while he laughed along. He admitted all the time my sister was a favorite. But he followed the family code to the tee. I was supposed to back down and take whatever they dished out.[like him] There were several conversations where he told me, you need to conform and then maybe you will be treated better. He did adopt his girlfriend's family and had kids, so maybe he found his own replacement family, but he still did his family of origin's bidding. He spoke worshipfully of my mother. His constant messages of denying my own feelings got old.
Many abused people enter a denial mode, my brother is in it deep. Instead of admitting what happened, they deny it. This is a wall many healing scapegoats hit, realizing the denial and disassociation of the other abused people in their families is hard for them to bear. Aunt Scapegoat had this as well. She never "rebelled" or "fought back and embraced her diminished role in the family and never seemed to analyze or question her life. Her passivity bothered me the older I got. My brother often went on weird tangents about how our parents were abusive, but then would rationalize it saying "they tried the best they could". His abuse was different in mine, he did get attention and some nice moments with both parents. His disassociation showed itself constantly. He would contradict himself constantly.
I don't miss any of this. I pondered over the years, how one thing that destroyed these relationships, is I had no more positive memories of any of these people. Their whole world revolved around my mother. I was invisible and an afterthought. I also faced the facts of my brother's abuse, the constant "enforcer" crap, the constant fear of physical beat-downs or being hit by him too and with him, I did use to physically fight back. Later, being freed from the constant mind games, bragging, and disrespect came as a relief. I'd rather be alone for life than stuck in any relationships like this again. Freedom was worth it, although the price is no more "family".
Lets look back at the world system. People who sell their souls to the powerful will never be your friend. People who sell their souls to the family narcissist to get benefits, [lots of money in my brother's case] will never be your ally. No one cared about pleasing me, they all cared about pleasing her. My brother's constant pressure to shut down all my emotions were offensive. That's one thing you will get from other betraying scapegoats, [maybe some would call my brother a lost child technically] but the others that the narcissists abuse and put down, will betray for the dynamic of power.
I was pondering this issue the other day thinking about Aunt Scapegoat and how she let me down. Things got so bad, that even after I sent her gift boxes, cards, letters for years, she cut me off too. There is something that can happen to people who are severely scapegoated, you are seen as such the "worm", that even association with you at all, is considered taboo in the family. She was like my brother living in the same denial and disassociation. Some of her abuse was different too, while she was considered the family "loser" unlike me, she was taken care of in a diminished half-hearted fashion. She never had to worry about ending up in the street or going without a meal though some of that care, was of a dubious fashion.
As I got older and even though I lived far away in other towns and was low contact and giving as little information as possible, my standing in the family worsened because of my physical disabilities and financial problems. After my weight gain, hell began. I was considered a non-person. After my husband's lay-offs from newspapers and from stable working class jobs, the descent grew more rapid. I think about the dehumanization factor.
When one's own family joins in the dehumanization, that's really sad. Aunt Scapegoat was just like my brother. Years ago she would complain about her own abuse when we were younger but she would always choose the side of the narcissists and the family system. She lived parasitically and didn't have to pay rent for years and years. The family had to apply for disability for her and it was something like 20 years after she was eligible. She was extremely passive, they had to be feeding her and paying her electric bills and buying her clothes. At times I thought, maybe this is her way to fight back, but it sure destroyed her life and increased her dependency.
There was one time, I even said to my aunt, "Why can't we be allies?" They treat you like dirt, and me like dirt, why can't we look out for one another?" She gave me a blank look. The brainwashing was too intense. I do see my grandmother as ruining her life. It was there that enmeshment city reigned. My own mother never was there for me, but my aunt was smothered. She did what she was told of course. It's funny they saw her as the "family rebel", one cousin even called her that after her death. What did she rebel against? She helped them hold on to their power. She saw me as "trouble" and closed me out more and more as the years progressed though I could say we were "friends" when I was in my teens to early 20s. This is yet another loss from my mother that is unacceptable but my grandmother played a role in it too especially as I tried visiting her and my grandmother would say things like "Aunt Scapegoat doesn't want to see you".
As the years dialed on, I was denied her phone number and I believe my grandmother intercepted her mail, since she lived right next door. My mother and grandmother both did not want us to be close and put a stop to it. Aunt Scapegoat didn't stand up for me ever. She let our friendship die. I remember the years before I went no contact trying to reach out, trying to apologize and even saying I was sorry that I had no money to see her especially when the mileage doubled after I moved to one town. I remember those few years we spent some fun times together with a lot of sadness. It brought me to tears more than once.
She was desperately poor, sadly she was dependent on them. She knew I didn't have money to really help her. Though I know once in my 20s, I mentioned her coming to stay with me but like usual I was pushed away and the door closed in my face. I floated this trial balloon during my more secure working class days in my 30s. We know scapegoats are often put in desperate economic situations. I'm in one now as I have described. The narcissists and psychopaths use the economic system as our prison bars. I've written about how my mother gained guardianship over her, she lost all power and independence in life in her passivity. Her health was destroyed too.
Do other scapegoats help other scapegoats? I've noticed not if they are part of your family system. Look at the job place and other places, the other underdogs are as likely to trip you up as the ones in charge. I'm not sure why things operate this way but I've seen it time and time again. A lot of people do act out of cowardice in the face of power. They do fear the punishments from those in charge. Some of this can be understood, most of the powerful gained their power knocking people like bowling pins out of the way. A lot of people who are hard-driving and successful always had that edge to them. Some nice folks could succeed too with luck and hard work, but in a dog eat dog society, the ones with the edge and sadly too many with toxic traits are the ones rising to the top now. It has made corruption rife especially with so many cowards in mid-level positions afraid to lose their prestige for exposure. Our society is collapsing from the inside out. They got us all separated from each other. Some free thinkers find each other, but we know to the core of our being we live in a world where truth is no longer held to. We know danger awaits just from being truth-tellers and refusing to be fakes.
Those scapegoats who break away from these sick family systems, and go no contact, and are done or fight back and then walk, are rarer. We are the exceptions. Some may disagree with this but I believe it is rarer for people to break away. Maybe with more knowledge out there, more will escape. Most scapegoats never escape. Most people take the path of least resistance which sadly is doing what they are told by those they see as more powerful. We are the sheep that ran for a new country with raised middle fingers. We lit the matches and burned the bridges down. We dared to step out in the world, sometimes completely alone, a few with loving partners, with no more kin ties. Most people never take this risk. Their identity is wrapped in their family, as daughter, sister, etc.
That may be a dark conclusion some won't agree with me on, but it's true. I've seen too many embrace their lower status in families for their entire lives. Just like my Army friend I wrote about, she kowtowed to her multimillionaire parents. I dare say she's probably still there or otherwise broken down, having put up with their abuse for years. Many scapegoats lose themselves. This can be one of the worse things to happen to a person. I went scorched earth, but and don't regret it, but there are costs of no contact too, of having no family. Your eyes are opened to society's bullshit too. I probably would be a happier person being an NPC thinking that politicians care about me or they were telling the truth. Many don't like people who question the system or society. To go against one's family leaves you out on an ice floe. Most scapegoats never make this leap. They stay in, accepting their role. They see the true "rebel" and the people who decide they are done with this shit, as a threat. The recent hoovering I mentioned above after 11 years told me I was right to suspect mine lay in wait. They want to keep a thumb on the one who "got away". I didn't break no contact but imagine being this old and having creeps still "keeping tabs" on you. I'll probably have to watch my back for my entire life.
My old college friends, some of whom were scapegoats were not allies. As I wrote about before, my going no contact destroyed several very long in duration friendships. They weren't family members but they didn't align with me either. They saw me as a "trouble-maker", "rebel", one shouted to me, "you are going to be alone, and you deserve it!". This was more abandonment from fellow scapegoats. My now ex-millionaire friend held a golden child status but the Army friend definitely was the scapegoat of her family.
Many scapegoats never escape, and they embrace the system as die hard as the top golden child. They toe the line and they follow the rules. When the square pegs rise out of the peg board, the round pegs get the hammer out. "You are above your station". That's how it felt. How do you dare! You can find suck up scapegoats all over the place who will defend their abusers and who will push themselves to conform to them.
I have empathy now knowing that woman was beaten down by her sick parents, I didn't deal with things the right way, but I dare say her chances of escape unless she found strength somewhere to do it later, probably was pretty low. We were like oil and water. I hadn't done things perfect I would crawl back to years of low contact, after getting another therapist who told me it was my duty to forgive my family and return to them. I was refusing the edicts of my family by that time. She probably saw me as an out of control "rebel". That's how many of the fellow scapegoats in my family saw me.
One thing that happens too is the narcissists work on their marks constantly. This includes all the golden children and the scapegoats. I have my regrets in not defending other scapegoats enough. I was lied to so often and so many secrets were kept. I think about the days I wasn't even allowed to have Aunt Scapegoats phone number for years. I got one number out of an uncle, but she never answered the phone. For some time she claimed she had "minutes" and even outside calls that came in were billed too. Some of that didn't make sense. She didn't respond to paper letters either at the address she had lived at for years.
My mother really went after my brother's wife and then later ex-wife. I failed here too. The wife had been turned against me too. Sometimes I could hear insults flying out of her mouth, that sounded just like they were from my mother. She started telling me I smelled [just like my mother].
Later I started to stand up, but no one would listen. Their view of reality was completely different. There was one day I told my mother, that my brother's ex-wife was not lying about some matters, I had heard about these matters from my brother. My mother simply would not listen.
In such circles, no trust is possible. It's like war, or prison on a lesser level. True friendship is rare, everyone is divided. You always have to think of who will repeat what you told another person. There's no relaxation or spontaneity especially as the narcissists or other toxics grow crafty with age. Everyone's at each other throats. Trust fails between scapegoats in the same family system for these reasons. Goodness is not promoted in such a system. One reason I left my family they brought the worse out in other people. I wanted to be someone else, someone better.
Narcissists create an atmosphere where people cannot be close. They split up relationships. The family moves far away from one another to "escape". The golden children and others who feel the weight of the burden of the narcissists will flee to lessen their pressures too. They may be praised, but mother or father's constant demands take a toll.
While I am writing about the betrayals of the scapegoats and ones who cling to and defend the family system, I do ask myself all the time, "Did I do enough?" I think of the times when I was young when the narcissists were working on my mind, trying to get me to compromise my integrity or give in as a mind slave. My teens were a time they especially worked on breaking me but failed. They certainly lied about other people and gave me false views of them. My own helplessness in seeing evil "win", even led to the faith crisis of some years back especially when Aunt Scapegoat died. My family was like a war, where I retreated to save my own life. I fled to a "new country" of being.
If a scapegoat stays in the family system, they are influenced to accept the evil around them, they start compromising and with every year that passes by, their consciences and empathy shut down. They become beholden to the power figures in the family which in families like this are the "wicked". The Bible has the verse in 1 Corinthians 15:33 "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." Stick around narcissists long enough without good influences or rebellion against their evil and codes, you grow corrupt too. The aunt who expressed empathy in my 20s slowly was erased. I saw changes in other people too, like my college friends who stayed within narcissistic families, and who grew more like them with age. Youthful idealism disappeared and compromise began. Lights flickered out in eyes. For some of us who leave, the flame inside grows higher and higher, there's no choice but to leave. My friends reacted with shock, when I burned the bridges. It changed me.
Aunt Confused was a scapegoat too. She was constantly insulted. My mother especially when I was young talked about how she "smelled". Aunt Confused's "B.O." was a constant topic of discussion. They discussed her mental health problems like they were all personal failings. She was the one they committed, I wrote about her for years on here. That's a sad story. We were growing close, around the time I was 14-15 and today I believe my mother drove her out of town to sever this relationship. One of my last conversations I had with her before I went no contact made this clear to me. Imagine you are being abused and all the other adults are scared of your abusers. She shook in fear before my father too. He'd yell at her like she was a little kid, even though she was older than him. Her daughter was the one to call me talking about those being thrown in lakes to join the fishes.
I still think about this to this day. It was crazy but they saw me as "stepping out of line" for going no contact with my mother. They made their allegiances known. Both quaked in their boots before wealthier and more connected members of the family all the time. They were ostracized by some of those multimillionaire cousins on that side but defended the system too. They didn't defend me when I was uninvited to my first cousin's wedding. I also realized later, they feared me finding out the family secrets, which I did later on Ancestry, that the grandfather was not my real grandfather on that side. Aunt Confused's son also had a career that fit in completely with my real grandfather's brother who rose very high in a very specific field.
I remember even saying directly to brother and Aunt Scapegoat, "Why must you do everything you are told?" and I would get very cowardly answers and hemming and hawing, a lot were outraged that I was daring to question the family system. My brother mockingly would call me the "black sheep" even years before my no contact.
One way the sick family dynamics are kept in force is that the scapegoat is made an example of, and for the others who aren't the pampered golden child, the message "you are next" is always there. Don't under-estimate the power that these threats hold. I realized how afraid other members of my family were especially during that time, before I went no contact with others but was no contact with the main narcissists. For younger scapegoats, the scapegoats of the previous generation, will be used as warnings. "You do what we tell you or you'll end up in the psych ward too!"
Another reason other scapegoats, abused or lost children do not ally with you, is they become narcissists themselves. Many learn to become like their parents and copy and emulate negative and toxic behavior. While fleas can exist for all us ACONs, there's many scapegoats who go full into being full NPD themselves. My brother as the "lost child" or would be secondary scapegoat definitely acquired narcissistic traits. He became charismatic enough to always have a circle of friends around him, but he had a very severe temper, and always cussed people out. He wasn't sensitive, nor did he listen to feelings and his empathy was low to non-existent though he was not quite as cold as my mother and sister.
My old Army friend who I met through my other millionaire friend, who had multimillionaire parents herself, used to say something very strange to me. I fear she probably ended up in bad circumstances from not detaching from her very wealthy and narcissistic parents. Friendships will end as people change, this was something I thought about a lot over the last years. Sadly, she inherited the "codes" of her family while I sought to reject what my family stood for. She often repeated to me that "Humans were like chickens, and that the chickens always chose the weakest and most vulnerable to peck at and destroy". I used to reply, "That's messed up you know, that's not the way things are supposed to be." She accepted it as a fact of life. I started questioning the friendship when she said very cold things to me like, "You are so disabled, maybe you should ask yourself what you really have to offer anyone?"
She grew up with far less spiritual foundations or religion then me. I think while some of my teacher-nuns were not stable, some were and some did seek after God and goodness, so there was some light shown into my early life. She seemed to believe this was just the norm of the world and this should be expected. Did her parents teach her anything else? Probably not.
That was the code of my family. The weak are to be destroyed. Now I have had many religious troubles in life, but this is a code I rejected even via the teachings of Jesus Christ. Most world religions speak of some "golden rule" edicts, but narcissistic families? Everything is about power and control. Most good and decent families are formed around cooperation, love, companionship and community. All that was lacking in my family. There was a few tastes of what could have been especially when I was young and had some happy days with my siblings in the very early years, and time with the Aunt that Loved Me and even Aunt Scapegoat during the hopeful days of youth. However narcissistic families? It's competition. Who are the losers, who are the winners? Who has the most money? Who is the most successful? The comparisons are endless. The other scapegoats in the family system, while at a lower place, will pull rank too, not to be at the lowest spot. Human beings and their relationships were destroyed on the altar of greed, materialism, competition, and pulling rank. I believe it's imploding our society and even America itself, but that's a subject for another article.
In this type of pecking order, lets say you are the lowest scapegoat on the totem pole of the family, you think the higher tier scapegoats, lost children/and or mascots are going to hesitate to step on your head as they climb their way up? No way. Unless they are evolved enough to have gone no contact themselves or have rejected the "code" of the family most of the time, they will abuse you too or at the very least shut you out so your presence doesn't cause them any blowback. I realize looking back, I seemed to be the only one who wanted to be close to anyone in a sea of slammed doors. A few with a little bit of conscience left, may feel "bad" about shoving you aside, but consider it the cost of business. You aren't important enough to them to upset the rule of the family.
Status is everything to narcissistic families. Sadly in too many areas status is what makes the world go around. In authoritarian societies or ones growing more authoritarian, social conformity is pushed even more. It makes poverty very painful, especially as one is looked down on for not having the right clothes or life. I've written about my troubles there, why couldn't I be a person who had a niche too?
Our modern American society has digressed into a world where the sociopaths and narcissists are the most rewarded. Kind, empathetic people while some can succeed with the right luck and hard work, many are pushed aside for the Cluster Bs.
I think we have arrived at a point where unless humanity wakes up and really deals with this issue, we could be looking at extinction, especially in scenarios where technology is expanding and has abandoned the goal of life improvement and is all about control and surveillance. Our society teaches us that we must depend on hierarchy to get our needs met and that conformity is the price of doing business. This trickles down to the family. A toxic family can be a microcosm of the worse religious cult or totalitarian nation. They train the children to seek the approval of the "elite" or "authorities" or parents. Everything is about removing your self-direction and ensuring their power, which lowers empowerment and advances feelings of helplessness and depression. This helplessness is one thing that betraying scapegoats have embraced.
Sadly these toxic themes affect dictatorships, cults, organizations and families further down the line far too often. The powerful who often are malignant narcissists don't want to be loved, they want to be feared. They want reverent slaves to bow down before their every order. Humans usually end up with Cluster Bs in charge. How does this happen? Is it because they are the ones who desire the power in the first place? Maybe the same thing happens with families. Some families may benefit from benevolent leaders if it is a loving family but what happens with ones who have malevolent ones? The ones who want power, work on accumulating it and they shove everyone to the side to make it happen. They hog the family resources, they help enable medical and other neglects so other family members often die young or end up ill, from lack of attention and care. They want some family members to end up poor. They will share resources and nepotism with their chosen golden children while making sure to deny scapegoats their needs. Sometimes they merely suck people dry like vampires.
One thing that happens in cults and toxic churches besides just nations and political entities, is the powerful are feared and obeyed. Their needs, desires, and demands come first. Yours are chopped liver. This isn't the way things are supposed to be but sadly how many toxic organizations are run. One thing that happens in narcissistic families like toxic cults, fraternities, religions and more, is mobbing. Wikipedia refers to it as "Mobbing, as a sociological term, refers either to bullying in any context, or specifically to that within the workplace, especially when perpetrated by a group rather than an individual. " and hazing, which is defined as "Hazing, form of initiation that occurs when new members enter certain social groups, most often characterized by degrading, humiliating, or dangerous tasks and behaviors.
Just like Jim Jones, arranged White Nights to keep his cult members obedient and afraid, narcissistic families will arrange traumatic emotional experiences to keep the group on edge and in control. Put down sessions, humiliation, false accusations, beat-downs, threats of physical assaults, name-calling, mockery, false promises, love-bombing, lies, presents with strings attached can all be part of the campaigns by the head narcissists to keep order and to make sure no one breaks ranks. The control my mother had over my family was like mind control and as a cult leader. As I was breaking away, I noticed how much in lock step the whole family was, they didn't have spontaneous personalities, there was no independence, it was always what will MOTHER think? Pleasing her and other narcissists in the family came first. Those who did break some rules or came out against the narcissistic heads were deemed the rebels. Family mobbing often leads to even an entire family bullying the scapegoat.
I had two events that happened that were basically "mobbing". At both of these events the majority of the family was involved. They both happened at my grandmother's house where my family and various uncles and aunts, nieces and nephews were present. The first was when I went to the bathroom and Uncle Narcissist who was still an older teenager, maybe around 15 or so, decided to scare me by making "ghost sounds" through the heating vent. My grandmother's house was older and back then the connected heating vents, one could make sounds through them and even hear conversations through them. I was 4 years old. I was a naive child on the spectrum, so I start crying, I am really frightened. I walk out of the bathroom and the whole family is pointing and laughing at me. Even my grandmother rolls her eyes instead of wondering why her teen son wanted to torment a 4 year old. My siblings and parents laugh. I forget who said it but one cries out, "You're such an idiot!" My brother calls me a "Scaredy Cat!". This was just one example and was like the cricket event, I'm set up, I have an emotional reaction, and they all laugh and mock me. It may seem mild on the face of things, but this was how I was treated on a consistent basis and repeatedly.
The second memory and I still have very rare dreams about this one, was that my brother and me were running and playing in my grandmothers house. We had ran into a room of the house, where my uncles had hidden her Christmas present, it was a shelf with a glass back for her to put these metal figurines on that she collected. These were little metal figurines she bought at knickknack stores which were little milking cans and hour glasses. One was even a little typewriter.
I ran out of the room. My parents were screaming and the uncles and aunts, were yelling at me too, saying "You ruined Grandma's present!" The whole family was angry at me. I apologized, but I think of moments like that. They made it clear that I was a burden and that I was hated. There was no forgiveness to be had. They did get it fixed, the wood and glass shelf hung on the wall for years with her little figurines. It gave me a shudder to see it even as an adult. This was an example of family mobbing. I was around 10 or 11 years old. I was crying that entire day. The looks of disgust never ended during that visit. I probably was relieved when we returned home though that was not a safe place either. My knee hurt too but no one cared about that.
The other lower tier members of the family see this stuff, and they don't want to be in your position. They don't want to be the chicken being pecked at, so they buy into the order of things, they harden themselves up, they make sure they are always polite and subservient to the order. One thing I noticed among my relatives even extended cousins, is how they shut down conversations and even their own emotions. One even told me how he shut down his own guilt. I really like this cousin, in the conversation below, he would take time to visit me unlike others, etc. He was of a more intellectual bent too but sadly he was so indoctrinated into the family system, it was very painful for me. This was a conversation held around the time I had the one with my brother, just a few years into my no contact.
Peep:
Do you believe me
He then shared that my Aunt told me she cried saying I treated her wrong. This aunt was the one married to Uncle Narcissist. I told him, that the Aunt pushed me away saying she was busy and sent him proof of what was said, but I didn't get anywhere. She successfully manipulated him using her tale of false tears. She had ignored an email of mine for a year and I showed him the date stamps.
I was wasting my time though. It makes me sad how much I pleaded with them. All of us ACONS can get stuck in that trap of pleading, to be noticed. Keep in mind this is someone that admitted I was abused, and treated badly but as you can see there was to be no relationship possible with him either. He had full contact with my mother and other relatives, and spoke lovingly of my mother still and after all this.
Peep:
I like you [cousin's name] but I hope one day you can see through the whole sick system and how it works.
We go on to talk about bit more about that aunt, but I always found this part of the conversation interesting. While this cousin has many positive attributes, this is someone I do miss, he doesn't see through the family system. He is loyal to it first. I tried to warn him as you can tell, but I notice here, how he tells me he sets his feelings aside. Or in this case his guilt. That's definite programming by a narcissistic family. Feelings are to be shut down. Guilt is something bad, that you must ignore instead of listening to your conscience to direct you to different actions. At least he admits he wants to face this head on, but I remember being disturbed by this. The reason he even thinks that way is programming by my family. The cult leaders think guilt is something to be suppressed instead of acted upon.
That's one thing I thought of over the years, how my very presence made them uncomfortable. This is the family programming in these sick family systems and it touches even the most extended relatives. Think about it this way, these narcissists are repeating that you are "bad" for decades. Some of us live far away in our own adult lives, so we aren't there in person to counteract the constant bullshit being shoveled so that makes the lies even more entrenched. They create legends about you.
One odd thing saved me from severe depression during my life, I learned to own my feelings and gave myself the freedom to have them. In recent years, I was able to escape the constant pull of wannabe gurus and others endless shaming me for feelings and thoughts like my family did. One life theme to me lately is repression, it's something I am dealing with now. How much of myself do I give a way to keep others happy with me without losing myself. Obviously I am not like a lot of people, I have opinions others see as controversial. Maybe I reached the time in old age, where I thought, "Damn you are old now, maybe as well be yourself and let the chips fall where they may." There is an issue of being unseen here, as the "threat" as the "bad one" and I know when I walked away years ago, that one thing I told myself is, "This cannot be fixed" You wanted to wake people up and undo the damage. I tried to wake up all the ones I cared about as I walked away but it was too hard.
Can you really be close to someone who sees your feelings as a "danger"? Not really. I have little interest in relationships where self-censorship is the rule of the game. I have friendly "light" relationships, I enjoy but how many can any of us trust those who keep company with our abusers, even ones who know we were and are abused? Just that fact alone makes them unsafe. I bet right now he has a lot of conflict, I can see him even being impressed that I walked away for good, but then he probably sees me as "bad" for "isolating myself". He doesn't get I already was isolated.
Here's the reality, I'm sitting in the living room, and my mother has a giant pile of presents to pass out at my Grandmother's House. She's probably spent over $1,000. The kids are in exultation! I have a few paintings and painted frames to pass out. Otherwise, I am too poor for that good of presents, I pass out some used books and gave an used Stephen King novel to Aunt Scapegoat. Aunt Scapegoat passes out $3 bags of Christmas pasta as presents with macaroni shaped as Christmas trees. My mother sits there with a sneer, the kids are gathered around her. The family is all looking at her, they can't wait for their great presents. She's the one bestowing generosity, expecting gratitude. The other lower rank members of the family all gather around, giving her smiles, and thanks. During those days, I still got a few words from Aunt Scapegoat that were nice but that would disappear. That's how the order remained and I'm sure remained after I left.
I've been no contact now for multiple years. I still face a lot of pain, but some of it is the rejection of others who proved to me they didn't care either. There are days I still wake up thinking how did it go so wrong? While I have enjoyed some things in life, the pandemic really threw me over the bend, and it destroyed my life here and the community I had built up. Thankfully I have my husband and other friends to keep me going. I've changed and am ready to be somewhere else. I'm in a rebuilding mode now and trying to escape poverty [again].
That is one hardship in my life, how the found community often vaporizes too fragile to be torn apart by world events or economics. Family is supposed to always be there, but they never were a family to me. I had a lot of pain and disappointment from those who obeyed my mother. The way my family system works, no one reached out to me, even the niece I asked to visit me, once she could. There was no curiosity or anything, I was simply erased. I had to face reality though, the other scapegoats and people in my family weren't going to back me up or ever go against the family order or cult. I spent too many years wasting energy hoping for the outcome to be different. I wish things could have been different. Many ACONs do face this hoping they will have allies in the family and then meet disappointment. Maybe it is the only few strong and brave who do leave. Maybe the kind of personality that would stand up for a family member who is the "black sheep" and 'scapegoat" is even rarer. We have to undo decades of training of subservience to the worse leaders. We have to learn to face our disappointment and grief. This was not our choice. Us scapegoats who left, we stood up for what was right and did not compromise in the face of evil. We saved ourselves even with no family left.