A Great Article on Lack of Empathy in Abusers

 https://angry-alcoholics.blogspot.com/2019/09/lack-of-empathy-in-abusers-narcissists.html

One of the multiple of angry letters I wrote my own narcissistic mother was about how she had no empathy.  I wrote in this letter, "You have no empathy and don't care how people feel". She didn't. She's incapable of it. This is the letter that "disappeared" and she denied getting. 

This was a woman who made fun of a man who broke his back cutting branches from a tree, for asking for a straw as he laid in a hospital bed. There was no comfort or care when it came to illness. I believe my mother is at the extreme end of the NPD scale, she had an inability to feel fear, there was a lack of emotions there. There's dozens of articles on this blog where I talk about the incidents showing her total lack of empathy.

Abusers don't see things from your perspective. It's all about themselves. Many of us who came out of these abusive families, had false fantasies about how one day our abusers would "wake up" and see us and have concern for our feelings. We wrongly believed they thought like us, or the cold ice hearts would melt. It's never going to happen. They don't have the feelings or introspection, and don't care.  It doesn't matter what tragedies one faces, they simply don't care and most will exploit the troubles you do face, Sometimes facing that fact can be very hard, we have to realize they do not think or see the world the way we do. When they cry it's for show, when we cry and show feelings they usually are enraged especially if you are critcizing them or they exploit those emotions.

Facing the truth for many of us who went no contact isn't easy. Some make the mistake of imaging "hidden feelings" in the people with no empathy. Yes there are reserved people but in the case of these toxics the feelings simply aren't there. 

One question I do ask in any new relationships is if people do have empathy? It's a red flag to learn to watch for and learn to avoid those who don't have it.  I wish children in school were directly taught about empathy and the important role it serves in life and to look out for those who lack it.

Lise's article makes a lot of great points.

Most people who exhibit lack of empathy for you (as a character trait - and part of that character trait is an unusual amount of criticism of others) are usually going to display abusive behavior at some point too. In very rare circumstances, people who are totally overwhelmed like going through multiple tragedies and conflicts (a death of a parent, losing a business, in the hospital for a surgery, a child in a devastating car accident - all at once for instance) can display a lack of empathy because they are dealing with too many issues. However, if you see a lot of verbal abuse, while they are in the middle of their tragedies, it is a bad sign. 

People who are verbally abusive or hyper critical of you usually want to cut down your self esteem. That's usually a sign of the beginning of abuse. It usually escalates to emotional and psychological abuse later on, and can even escalate into physical abuse, threats, harassment, false imprisonment, coercive control, sometimes stalking and stealing, and even life threatening occurrences. Always remember that once abuse appears, it escalates. 

As an individual you won't be able to stop the escalation. Only law enforcement, the keeping of records with law enforcement so that they know where to look if you come up missing or dead, voicing clear boundaries, getting lawyers and domestic violence counselors involved, and restraining orders can stop the trajectory, and even then, an abuser will try to find work-arounds and loopholes. I talk about their work-arounds later in this section.

Remember those who have no empathy don't play by the same rules.