Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Freedom From The Narc Family Cult: How No Contact is Changing Me For the Better

Run little girl Run! {ok this being the Victorian era people didn't smile
for photos so hopefully her Mom was a nice one and not a narcissist}

I'll be no contact outside of sending my no contact letter for exactly one year on June 28th, 2014.
I can't believe I've made it this long. By the way, even after the two line brush off, my NM tried to call me on the last holiday--Easter. I wasn't home thankfully.

For me leaving the family "cult", all narcissist families operate like cults in a certain way in that certain beliefs and rules are insisted upon, has led to me challenging long held beliefs and how I see the world. This has included redefining myself and also redefining my view of the world. This has led to changes in my life.


Some  people are irritated with me by the Tiffany Sedaris article, but even if she was full blown bipolar or other theories I've seen forwarded, don't you see why I saw some things in common? My family aren't millionaires, but upper middle class, I saw the scoffing, the raised eye-brows, from the narcissists, what some liberals call "micro-aggressions" on disgusted faces. So few understand what it is, to be the scapegoat, the one who "didn't make it" in a family where achievement and appearances counts for everything and the pain that this can cause a person. Some may think I am making too many inferences, but to be frank, I read his essay and wrote my view of what it had to say. Nothing more, nothing less. If only Tiffany had been able to be free of these messages. I know they are false messages that have led me almost to the pit of despair. This is why God's Word especially regarding the truth about the poor and how children of God matter beyond material success were like a life-line thrown out to a drowning woman.

Everyone interprets things via their own life experiences. For me, her story is a greater story, in that in too many families now there is little care and comfort for those who may struggle from challenges. Family break-up isn't just coming from divorce or long distance moves but also from changed and colder hearts towards people in general. My mother used to write on a social website, "how proud" she was of one relative and another relative, constantly. I translate these messages as ---We are proud you reflected well on us.---- You know that sort of thing.

                                           [picture source]
Ever sit at a high school awards ceremony where they crowned the best and the brightest plastic silver painted crowns for the beauty queens and felt that creeping feeling that your looks, athletic ability and 3.5 gpa or even 2.0 one didn't cut the muster and like less of a person? What is sad is the competing never seems to end. Why do we have to prove ourselves so much? Why can't we just be? How many great individuals are being lost in the morass? Status is so much in American society.

Now imagine your family being run like a high school awards ceremony and beauty contest. The narcs paying homage to the beautiful, thin, and successful. I saw an aunt crack up from not achieving what the family thought was worthy. For years I heard how she was a loser and deserved her poverty. I know the same things have been said about me.  Life together competing instead of working together as a team or sharing any true fellowship.

This is one web I am untangling now in my mind and walking away from.. Some aspects of society back up everything they said and did to me. That is the worse thing. Religious faith, gives me honor as a child of God, but how many hits are millions taking to their souls, for being told it's not about who you are but what you achieve and that if you don't win a crown or make enough money that you are a nobody.

 So this is one belief, the "cult" taught me being ground into the dust under my foot. Here I am claiming dignity in myself as a person and realizing I am not worse, or inferior. I am laying claim to who I am.  This is definitely one burden that if I succeed in throwing it over the side of the boat, I will be a far happier person in the long run. Compassion and love will grow in a the crucible of being away from this narcissist training.

                                                         [picture source]

For years I lived in fear of that woman, lesser so with her Mini-me.  Every time, we would drive up her long black drive-way up to her house, a feeling of nausea would come over me. One was on edge, as if they were walking at 2 am, in the worse neighborhood they could find in a huge city.  I was afraid. Very afraid. I prayed to get through the day.

 ACONs know the dark fear, they instilled in us so directly. As a child, one look, one sharp word, you were scurrying to please the narcissist to avert the punishment or back stabbing that you knew would be inevitable. Even today I know my fear was almost irrational. When I was young, I towered over her and outweighed her.  Keep in mind I am woman who has directly worked with gang-bangers and teen murderers and rapists. I'm not a shrinking violet, but that woman always has scared the crap out of me in the depths of my being. Sometimes I think my upbringing instilled an outer toughness, so the juvenile home and residential counseling place for sociopathic and/or violent girls, thought well that one will survive here, lets hire her even though she is fat with an odd body shape!

But for all that at least surface toughness, inside my body was roiling.  I was afraid of her. I used to ask myself, "What is wrong with you?". She never touched me as an adult. As I got more ill, I realized severe illnesses could be triggered around my mother, where my asthma would become out of control, where the day I had a visit was always the same day giant kidney painful stones came to visit. They came at other times but were guaranteed on those days.  Leg infections would be triggered within minutes in their company. My immune system seemed to collapse whenever I was in the same room with my mother.

Benadryl and copious amounts of a IBS drug used for what it was prescribed for which gave me a slight buzz would be my "helpers" during my visits. My last visit in 2013 at her house, I started projectile vomiting, and actually barfed into a bag in the car to get the hell away. Not wanting to to end up in a hospital 75 miles away from home, I puked continously as my husband drove, while he asked me if he could take me to the ER instead. Head shaking saying "No, No, No", I just wanted to get home to wait out that would be kidney stone passing.  We had the rule that if I got acutely ill, we were to immediately leave. Asthma, too much swelling, breathing troubles, barfing, meant an immediate exit. This was no mother that was going to pet me on the head, or bring me chicken soup or even give me a place to lie down during extended visits. The expectation for someone like myself who sleeps in a hospital bed at night and has needed at home-nursing care several times, is that I always was to go her way. Today I know that was insane in itself.

 Mine is so good at creating fear in others. It still boggles my mind. I'm the only one in the entire extended family who has ever stood up against her on anything. The rest don't even have normal human disagreements or arguments with her and that's a red flag. One strange thing I have noticed for years is how many would tell me behind the scenes how they agreed with me, that something with her [and my sister] was very wrong and that she was not like other people and she was cold and cruel to me. Some even whispered how she had done them wrong or frightened them.  Despite these backdoor conversations, no one ever challenged her, or disagreed with her, EVER, well except for me! The only exception to this was my brother a few times did stand up for me as she insulted my weight with me not present.

 But even as this crushing fear affected me so much of my life as I still worry about our finances, or experiencing worse poverty when I sat back and thought about things, I thought "What can be done to me anymore?". As long as the system has not crashed, America helps out the disabled and gives you housing. I have friends and a church now. Oddly I have smiled multiple times to myself over the last year thinking, "they aren't there to put me down anymore".

No more do I have to sit in a room, a tight smile on my face, waiting to be told that I am inferior or that my life doesn't matter or watch a nasty woman sneer at me. They aren't there to tell me I am wrong or to devalue me. Their opinion no longer matters. I can face whatever life will bring but be free of their cruelties and that inside fear, that used to tighten my stomach.

For years I had anxiety disorders, some are medically related--if you have breathing problems or sugar crashes, you will feel anxiety, but I have regular anxiety too. These often can be co-morbs that go with Aspergers too. My panic attacks and feeling of inside fear, dropped by at least 50% since I got away from the narcissists. My inside fear started going away. One recent therapist told me, I appeared far more confident.

So my fear dropped. And today, I stay away from people who make me afraid.

                                          [picture source]

Malignant narcs and sociopaths train scapegoats like a puppy getting their newspaper, hey when we are children we do not know any better. We are trained to be subservient to their needs while neglecting our own. The needs of a scapegoat mean nothing to narcs. One negative attribute of this that can be lifelong for ACONs is they do not learn how to take care of themselves. I also have had to fill in multiple gaps on adult living skills, some of which have been worked on as late as this year, when I had occupational therapy.

I was severely medically neglected when I was young. This ranged from neglect of my serious signs of autism as a youngster--not walking until I was nearly 2 years old, stimming, etc to the ignoring of several of my medical issues.  I had serious signs of PCOS while very young by the age of 12/13, where my neck turned so brown my mother would yell at me. A then 100lb weight gain which took me from near normal to midsized, within a period of one year was ignored. Lipedema was coming to join the party along with everything else.

 My asthma was neglected for quite some time and diagnosed on the day, I was 18 and had a university health center at my disposal. Before then when I could not breathe, my parents would just yell at me, "You can't cope". Luckily I just wheezed and coughed and coughed and didn't get to the turning blue point at that time in life.

When I became a adult I did not know how to care for myself. Today in my 40s, I have more ability to care for myself and have learned how in a better fashion. Being around people where I can express needs and put up healthy boundaries, has been a joy. I also realized as I got older and was around NICE people, that life spent among positive, nice, kind people who make allowances for other human beings and treated them with compassion is a far happier life. Even years ago I made changes this way, but these were continued. Leaving toxic relationships left more space for good ones. It also allowed me to learn to form better boundaries.

 It is okay to ask for help, to rest and to seek happiness. It is good to seek positive self-care and take care of one's self. I know as I went no contact, I was able to deal with my health problems in a more positive fashion where my self-care and self-love grew. There was forgiveness for myself in getting sick in the first place.

 This erased some shame and blame that I had carried for far too long. Facing down the great lie, that I was a failure in getting sick, and that everything was my fault, was extraordinarily freeing. This was yet another lie of the Narcs, I was able to confront and set myself free from.

                                          [picture source]


There are only a few relatives left in my life, but relationships free of back door back-stabbing sessions by narcissists and triangulation, IMPROVE. With a few people I care about and love, I reached back out and the ones willing to know me outside of the picture presented by the narcissists, I saw definite improvements with. With all parties I have opened up and told them things, they simply did not know. Not being too naive, I have even warned that the narcissists may try and get in between us and said, "Do not believe anything they may say about me." Here getting to know people and having them know me outside of the narcissist control has been a joy.

In my journal, I drew a cartoon of myself breaking the chains...and that is exactly what it was. 

Real Mexican Food Is Healthier

I went out to eat with husband earlier today, and I always thought, every time one gets a real version of an ethnic food, whether it is Italian or Mexican--, the "real version" is always healthier. We ate at a taquiera where all the menu is in both Spanish and English. I can read a lot of Spanish in my case. My husband says Americans pour way too much cheese on everything. The above, has small amounts of meat, lettuce, tomato, onions, cilantro, lemon and corn tortillas.

Mal-Nutritioned Fat People

When Mal-Nutrition Causes Obesity

On my medical records, I am listed as mal-nutritioned. I have computer access to some records and it is is in there. They know I am not being starved. No matter how broke we have gotten , my husband always makes sure I have regular meals even to keep my diabetes in check. Yes I eat vegetables and fruits, though the quality of my diet can be affected due to outside factors via food insecurity. Vegetables are the first thing eaten in this household. There is also the matter of several food allergies that impact things for me. So no one is starving me and I am not on any extreme diets. My body does not process food correctly from what I have read on lipedema, there seems to be some leaky gut and other connections. My doctor recently ordered 3 vitamins for me to take. I have been anemic before too on and off.

One of my personal beliefs about obesity in America, is that people are hungrier because food is lower in nutrients and so the body goes looking for more nutrition and takes in more calories and food. This is if anything is the worse attribute in processed food where so many nutrients and micro-nutrients have been removed. I await the time when the fruit and veggies stands open around here with anticipation because my own food quality skyrockets as things become far more affordable.

I wanted to share these comments they are from Zero Hedge, with commenters on this article.

"It's a result of being calorie rich and nutrient poor. A high fructose corn syrup diet has sufficient calories but totally insufficient nutrients. The body will therefore continue to eat in an attempt to satisfy the need for nutrients. The perfect example is a pregnant woman who has insatiable cravings for certain foods and at the same time packs weight on like crazy. A woman who has ample stores of nutrients and a nutrient rich diet should not get fat in pregnancy.

I know it's hard to believe but those fat people are actually starving. Starving of nutrients

totally get the sentiment, not a fan of fat people but just want to point out, calories are completely different from nutrition. a lot of the obesity you're seeing is the human body looking for nutrition and way over consuming calories to find it.

what that means is the processed food they eat has NO nutritional value in vitamins and minerals so the body is actually starving but has been overdosed on calories looking for real nutrition

the human body is an amazing machine, just needs the proper fuel and then it doesn't get fat. diets are a complete fraud"

I totally agree.

Twenty Years Ago Today I Met My Husband

 A portion of Last year's anniversary card, we hand make cards for each other.

Wow I was 25, and I can't believe so much time has passed. Twenty years ago we met, and we got married 16 years ago on May 9th. We have been through thick and thin. One of my friends at a support group told me she was impressed by how we had made it through so much, hard times, and my health problems and economic problems and rest and were there for each other. It was one of those times where someone says something so nice, it brings tears to your eyes. I am thankful we both stuck it out, and have bore up through some pretty hard times. We are both old school when it comes to marriage, so that helped us both. I know my husband is one of the reasons I am still alive. It is love when it endures through thick and thin. I love him very much.

The World's Fattest Bride
Fat Love

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Golden Children

Sums it up pretty well. When they work as a team in tandem, it stinks, you always have two against one.

Being Fat Sucks Channel on YouTube

Language warning on this one. I saw this channel on Youtube, whybeingfatsucks, I'd avoid it mostly, they promote the usual diet and exercise stuff that doesn't work. Do what you can bodywise, but I worry about the fat people on there they may bring down the self esteem of.

 There is a line between size acceptance delusion I've written about and going back and embracing the "you are scum for being fat" and "a bunch of fat pigs"- diet industry line. From what I can tell they are doing a youtube version of The Biggest Loser" Her worries about rape, make me wonder if she has faced abuse in her life.  The commenters below this video are awful. Yes fat women do get raped. I had an attempted rape made against me, I knew self defense from my job. They told me their intentions as they jumped on top of me and I had to fight to get away. I was mid-weight gain, maybe around upper 400s then? Her brave face to the world, is one many fat people have to put on, where they say the insults don't bother them inside when they really do.

Also What is wrong with being a virgin? If anything at least in the old days everything wasn't about sex and coupling up. Today if anything we need less promiscuity. The Being Fat Sucks channel seems to promote all the very worse stereotypes, like this guy being show eating 6,000 calories of fast food. Hope he loved living in the bathroom for a week eating that slop.

If I ate even one meal like that, I'd be dead. I wish Being Fat Sucks wasn't more of the usual mainstream stuff, think out of the box people for once....

Saturday, April 26, 2014

US Food Corporations Fuel Obesity

Hey every time the food mega-corporations enter a new developing country, everyone starts fattening up, and no people did not suddenly become lazy, gluttons, something is wrong with the food.

I try to stay away from all corporate food, but it isn't always easy, even I have to be ever-vigilant not to let any sneak in. I'm trying to completely give up diet soda, even allowing myself to drink it for meals out and acouple times a week I think is too much. I'm having a tough time with the food lately, all the good stuff goes poof first, and the prices are skyrocketing so high at our grocery stores.

The Obesity Conspiracy

He is right, they are putting chemicals in the food. I read about the "Bliss Points" in another book.

Some Fat People Really Do Have Slower Metabolisms

Years ago before the diet industry got in full sway, many admitted the truth about metabolism......

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Did Ronald Reagan Hate Fat People?

I am not a fan of Reagan. Remember I reject both the Republican and Democrat parties. This means that I do not agree with Reagan's policies. Reagan if anything started the ball rolling with the destruction of unions, the outsourcing of jobs, raising of taxes on lower income people, and many of the things we are paying for today. Then there was the Iran/Contra affair.  Of course even criminal Nixon looks like a "nice guy" compared to the war mongers and liberty haters we have had for the last 16 years, but Reagan was far from an angel. However I find the below absolutely silly:

University Sponsored "fat justice" event claims Ronald Reagan f***ed over fat people

"The Swarthmore Independent reports that Segal and Sullivan took aim at a variety of subjects including President Ronald Reagan, who they claimed “f*cked everything up” for fat people—though theIndependent drily reports that “[n]o specific evidence about Reagan’s perverse policies or animosity toward obese people was offered.”
Segal and Sullivan also argued in favor of “communism and socialism as viable alternatives to capitalism and exploitation” and against oppressive healthy eating and exercise programs. The two reportedly went so far as to claim that “every physician is bought off by lobbyists and the diet industry.”
“There is no scientific consensus whatsoever that fat people need to exercise more, or that fat is unhealthy. There is no evidence that [being] fat causes diabetes. Medical professionals are informed of this so-called knowledge by lobbying groups,” the pair argued.
Paige Willey, an attendee to the conference, told Campus Reform "the whole event had a negative tone to it."
"Their whole argument was based in hatred. Very unproductive."
I think the BMI is nonsense but you know there are some of us out in fat land who are concerned about so many in "fat-justice" land being so out in left field with their politics. I would love to know how Communist Maoist China or Stalinist Russia treated the fat? They probably locked them gulags to starve them down for the people whose bodies were extreme enough and somehow had escaped the effects of the famines. Anyone sicker with weight from health problems probably just died off. Haven't these two ever heard of the phrase FOOD RATIONING? Ah more who fell asleep in history class.

How about diabetes causes fat in people? Uh oh some brains just exploded. 

Some people on here may consider me too "conspiracy minded" but I think about how our society is set up, and I think about the possibility of agent provocateurs, [are people out there truly this dumbed down?] send these extremists out there, with extreme illogical politics and get all fat people or people who care about defending fat people and their issues lumped in with them. Very few schools would sign up for radical extremist "fat justice" events or even more moderate events that want to speak out obesity discrimination. The industrial diet industry is left without any real opposition. Truth about obesity is not spoken. 

See how that works?

By the way these are the types who write all those "are you privileged lists" and advance overt Communism while doing lectures at colleges like Swarthmore that cost 44,368 [I checked it on their website] a year for tuition. With room and board, and fee, the whole cost is $57, 870. Talk about hypocrisy. 

Time To Get Those Years Back

This is a good one. It is time to get some years where I am free of judgment and rotten people who just want to bring me down. Criticism was a constant with my narcissist parents who thought themselves superior to every other human being. Invalidation of me as a human being ruled the roost. The other day, I saw an old photo of myself, I was beautiful and there they were calling me "fat", "ugly", "lazy". Really at this advanced age I have faced how very sick things were. No Contact has been a blessing for me. Holidays are still hard, one mourns the family that never was, but at least I no longer have to see those sneering faces anymore, and in that I have felt at times brief glimmers of happiness, and for that alone it has been worth it.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I'll Never Forgive Michelle Obama For This Lunch

The lunch backlash continues...

if they are going to limit the kid's portions they definitely need more whole grain, non processed food to stave off hunger...

Students Are Tweeting Awful Photos Of School Lunches To Blame Michelle Obama For New 'Healthier' Meals


How Life is Going? What Will The Future Hold?

1. Well I did get my apartment cleaned out. It's not perfect but I cleaned it enough getting rid of
20 boxes of stuff to the point where I was able to have the carpets cleaned last week. Hopefully the walls will be painted before another lease is put through. I won't be put on Hoarders any time soon. There is still some things to do, but it's at far better base level.

2. My 4 and half months of winter housebound "county-time" ended, where it is temperate outside. I am trying to enjoy what life I can before the door slams shut on the heat end. If a place existed in the world where it was forever from 50-70 degrees, that would be a nice place indeed. One friend asked what to do you do in there all day? Well that is what hobbies are for but this time around it got very tough at times even though one good fortunate trait about me, is I rarely get bored. At least it doesn't look like a new Ice-Age arrived keeping spring away.

3. I've gone back to my groups, stamp club, overweight lady support group, regular self-help group, and a private Bible study with friends. Also found a new church to attend, so looking forward to spending times with friends [they visited me while I was housebound] and meeting some new folks too in the community.

4. Lymph treatment is continuing, and management of the lipedema. I'm hoping to get to a better place in life, and will continue my exercises.

5. I'm still writing about narcissist stuff here, but I am asking myself how do I move life forward how do I heal? I can tell that since I have gone NC-9 months ago, I have more confidence, and my anxiety problems have dropped by quite a bit.  I've been free of the constant diet of put-downs and being told that I am inferior, and well outside of housebound times, spending time with NICE people. Which I did in my old town, but still then I was tethered to the narcissists too. There is no more bowing and scraping and worrying about what "those" people think or trying to stay one step ahead of all of the chess games, lying and insults. It has brought up a lot of questions in terms of life, and has changed me in some ways I think are better. More asking myself what I want? There is a healthy level of "narcissism" where people are to look out for their own needs and do self-care, perhaps this is one positive outcome. Yes still help people but also look out for yourself too.  Spend time with people who care.

6. The financial end of life still petrifies me.  There has been some major losses related to this as you all know. One thing I have confronted is that when I was abandoned in the ghetto by my relatives after my four hundredpound weight gain, is that this was a betrayal of the highest order. Knowing normal and healthy people, I know this was not normal at all, and this was not my fault. I don't blame my brother and other relatives who were more limited, but being away gave me a new perspective.  I have heartache pertaining to this issue. Inside there is part of me that fears losing the life I have managed due to lack of money.  Will we lose our apartment, car? Will I be able to get medical needs met? My husband's freelance work, slowed down during the winter and I've helped him in searching for more. Sadly many venues like ebay where one could make a little pin money have slowed down to a crawl.  I have nightmares of being on the street pushing a shopping cart, with my narc mother looking down and cackling at me. I'm praying this will not happen every day. There are people who have over-comed these problems.

Overall I am feeling more positive about the future, though I am struggling with the feelings of fear. I believe the freedom in the end will be worth it. 

My Brother, Grievous Godmother, Aunt Denial and Uncle Narcissist

                                                    [picture source--Arrested Development TV Mom]

The family would faint if they ever saw this blog, and I am making arrangements that it will be seen upon my demise. I want to live a long time but want it shared then. Let them read, I doubt it will make any impact but perhaps some of the non-narc side parties will wake up to what I have dealt with. Maybe this blog will serve as a warning to the members of the younger generations that avoid becoming narcissists themselves.  Truth-telling is not allowed in narcissist families and well I've laid it all out here.

 Remember when I said I wrote the final letters to the top two narcissists, a few of the ones on the sidelines , got some Goodbyes as well. As a Christian, one thing, I believe is in forgiving people lest people think I am too hard of a person and would just slam the door in people's faces. With narcissists there is NEVER any repentance, or statements of "I was wrong."  In fact one thing they all hold in common is this air of superiority over other human beings and the refusal to ever admit they are anything but perfect. Speaking to them is always like speaking to a wall. I have friends who have shown me far more loyalty then most members of my family ever did.

                                         [picture source]

Just so folks realize, it is not unknown for a scapegoat victimized by narcissists to have to walk away from an entire family, I only have my brother left now who has shown me love and care, his kids, girlfriend and three cousins who noticed I was alive and their families and they all live very far away. Maybe my sister's kids will grow up and talk to me. I sure hope so. Even there I must proceed with caution as they have contact with the narcissists. My only hope is to tell my side of the story and hoped I am believed. My brother of course witnessed some of my abuse growing up.

These relationships were probably rescued due to early contact I had with all parties, the smear campaigns didn't work like they did all on the others. With my brother, I have been telling him about some of the abuse and some of the background lies. A few things have shocked him such as the  "big Momma" joke panties that were sent me by my mother. One thing, the narcissists always made me feel like I talked too much, but now there is the realization that too much was held back.

One thing I stressed was that many things happened to me, he didn't even know about and they were done behind closed doors and not in front of others.  I flat out told him I believed the two top narcissists lacked consciences. He has admitted to me that something is seriously wrong with them in the "affective sense", and they do not seem to have the same type of emotions or attachments as other human beings. He refers to my sister as my narcissist mother's "Mini-Me" and has told me he is weirded out by her dressing exactly like my mother and modeling her life on wanting to "be her". I care about my brother very much, but have been praying knowing the narcissists will do everything in their power to sever the relationship. She managed to take everyone else away and will try there too.

                                          [picture source]
Two of the people I sent letters too, included Aunt Denial, the wife of my mother's narcissistic youngest brother Uncle Narcissist [she is near my age and has three young adult children] and Grievous Godmother. They never wrote back to the final letters nor do I expect them too. Their insistence on keeping a perfect picture will always come first.

Part of my recovery has been to not chase after people who want nothing to do with me. Here some of my own Asperger obtuseness and denial was in force because Aunt Denial was always so friendly to me at least on the surface with a smile. I glommed on to this like a starving and thirsty man in the desert getting a few drops of water. This was someone I could talk to at family gatherings who would noticed I was alive so in some ways she fooled me. When the pedal hit the metal, I realized she had the same world view as the narcissists seeing me and Aunt Scapegoat as "lesser". Aunt Scapegoat due to her accepting her position was included far more in family functions, while I "the rebel" was merely tolerated and barely even that. I still remember defending Aunt Scapegoat when Aunt Denial told me about some 25 year old wrongdoing of hers, saying, "That was so long ago!, she was young we all make mistakes when young!"

The only time I saw this Aunt at my place was once in 20 years when her son happened to have a ballgame in the vicinity. From my old town, we visited her home a couple times a year, trying to reach out. She and her family would also appear at other family functions. I liked many things about her, but a firm wall was up, and one thing I noticed is I was getting far closer to people I met in my community then even a fellow family member. I realized that they were far closer to my mother and agreed with everything she said about me.

I confronted all the parties on their treatment of Aunt Scapegoat and said it was wrong and said a few other things I had kept silent for years. I told Aunt Denial, that it was wrong how she refused to listen to me when I asked for the annual family gathering to be changed to a time of year I could breathe and travel and all I heard was about her needs and how hard things were for her and how busy she is and she is perfectly healthy.

I also said, "I now realize this relationship if there ever was one was all one way and that was reason enough for me to walk away". One thing Aunt Denial would do while she was friendly on the surface, she would always treat me with disdain, or with the excuses, "I am too busy.". This was not someone I contacted every month or every week even but only a few times a year, and it was like calling on the president of the United States. I'm responsible for this one but should have gotten a clue earlier on and not tried so hard. At least now, when people do the "I'm so busy" thing, I know they are saying, "you are bothering me and a low priority". Yes a real and good friend can tell me they are legitimately busy, but if you hear this over and over for years, it means something.

One thing about this aunt is she always praised the family acting like it was the greatest family in the world, when even as far as dysfunction goes, it's pretty high up there. Maybe there are people like this where life is happier living in a bubble of denial, where they are less bothered. She would wrote me a letter back telling me, "everyone seems to get busier and busier". Wow I heard that from my mother too whose been retired for years every time she drove my apt within a mile and didn't stop by.  She praised my narcissistic grandmother [now deceased] as the epitome of greatness and told me, that "I'm sure she'd be sad to know how sad you feel about your family." She then told me, "Please don't forget your roots. No matter what, you are and will always be part of our family. Although we can't always see you. you are in our thoughts and prayers. 

The line, "she'd be sad to know how sad you feel about your family" stands out to me because why not take my feelings seriously? Don't I have reason to be sad?  Here I see the insidious message, that my feelings are my fault supposedly, and they arose out of a vacuum. The "we can't always see you" is just more of the excuse making. Part of my mind applies that one metaphorically where they never did SEE me. Actually this is the grandmother that had a family wall of pictures in her living room where she left me and Aunt Scapegoat off that wall and where she told me, that my cousin was her favorite grandchild. Why would you say that to another grandchild?

 Part of my recovery has been to not chase after people who want nothing to do with me. Here some Asperger obtuseness and denial was in force because Aunt Denial was always so friendly to me at least on the surface. This was someone I could talk to at family gatherings who would noticed I was alive so in some ways she fooled me but when the pedal hit the metal, I realized she had the same world view as the narcissists seeing me and Aunt Scapegoat as lesser. Aunt Scapegoat due to her accepting her position was included far more in family functions, while I the rebel was merely tolerated and later cut out more and more. Various scapegoats were called out as "losers". I still remember defending Aunt Scapegoat when Aunt Denial twittered on about some 25 year old wrongdoing of hers, saying, "That was so long ago!, she was young we all make mistakes when young!" She backed up the same order as the narcissists.

The only time I saw this Aunt was once in 20 years at my apt when her son happened to have a ballgame in the vicinity of the town I live in now.  She stopped by for 20 minutes.  From my old town, we visited her home a few times, trying to reach out. I liked many things about her, but a wall was up, and one thing I noticed is I was getting far closer to people I met in my community then even a fellow family member. I realized that they were far closer to my mother and agreed with everything she said about me.

She lived a middle class lifestyle with her husband indulging in an over the top sports obsession, they'd even wear the same team colors while visiting games hundreds of miles away and go every spring break to their condo down on Gulf, where my mother from her second house in Florida would meet up with them. Her husband, my mother's favorite brother Uncle Narcissist, was a secondary golden child, who never could do anything wrong. My grandmother literally fawned over him as he was her youngest child, laying his clothes out, attending to his meals where he ate at different times coming and going from endless baseball games or part time work as she yelled at Aunt Scapegoat to get out of the way.

                                         [picture source]

 As a kid, whenever I visited my grandmothers house, which was long distance, as a teen he would tackle me on the ground, a few times knocking the air out of me with Indian burns included and trying to play tricks and pranks on me where the whole family including my parents would laugh at me, such as the time he made noises through the bathroom vent when I was in there and scared me.  Employed by 18 even without a college degree at the time, by his best friend's father, he never lacked for a good job and rose up the ranks. He never had to go hunting for a job in his entire adult life, so ended up with a bad attitude towards anyone who ever faced poverty or unemployment. On a social website, he would write about the "lazy" poor, welfare/disabled "deadbeats" and how they were after all his taxes and how anyone without money was a bum. In this he combined neo-con banker-loving Republican politics with odd liberal ones that made him an adamant fan of Marilyn Manson and Black Sabbath at the age of 50! 

I argued with him a few times, but he always backed off with an off-handed comment like "Take a chill pill!" Viewing him objectively I realized he was "mean" too. I applied the things I learned about narcissism to him too.  There was one time at a family event, Aunt Denial said she was going to plan a bonfire there, and two family members are severe asthmatics including me, and she refused to back down on her plan. Both are very friendly with my mother, visiting her house, seeking to impress her with shared vacations, and prime rib dinners. They were some of her favorite relatives too and no criticism between either parties ever happened. That was one thing about Aunt Denial, fooled by the surface kindness, I could tell her a story of some of the most hideous abuse when younger and trust me these times were extraordinarily rare, "my mother stole my identity, my father hit me", and she would always tell me things like "Your mother loves you, or your parents mean well". Of course I heard this nonsense from my father's sister as well too.

                                                   [picture source]

This may sound bad, but I asked myself for years how could I be related to people who were so provincial and who didn't care about anything I cared about and who seemed to lack any emotions? I can understand Aunt Denial not being the same as me, her life followed a direct trajectory where tragedy and suffering came in limited supply, a good teaching career, three healthy children, extraordinarily stable upper middle-class living and that's fine with me as I have friends who have had different lives, but also now understand that at some core place, I was totally rejected and contrary to all her claims that I was part of the family, I really was not. 

This brings me then to Grievous Godmother, who is Uncle Narcissist's and my mother's first cousin from my maternal grandfather's side. Around 5 years ago, she got a spasm of religious guilt or something, and she wrote me after 26 years of no contact which had ended with a present sent from far away at the age of 14 or so. Her letters seemed nice on the surface and I started to respond and updated her. She was what the Catholic church calls a "godmother by proxy", ie: not in the room, and well she really wasn't in my life either. As a child, I saw her once around the age of 5 and never again.

I am in a church as an adult since I left the Catholic church, that does not believe in infant baptism nor in "godmothers" but decided to be kind and start talking to her in letters and emails. At the time, maybe I thought this was a relative, I could get to know, but my disappointment remained. Her letters were odd, stilted renditions of expensive vacations which I still have no idea how a retired home-ec teacher could afford them and the endless achievements of her upper middle class adult children who held professions ranging from Catholic high school principal to her daughter who was the head of a art education department at a university.

 Think of one of those notorious Christmas letters where someone uses it as a brag-fest, that was her letters but in an extreme form.  She took little interest in my viewpoints or interests or even me as a person. Her letters included unending praises for my mother too, sigh just like the rest of the family. One time she accidentally informed me she had visited a town right north of me where she would have had to pass within a mile of my apt, but still never visited. I didn't really understand her motive in contacting me except to have someone to brag too. I almost wanted to ask her, "Where were you when I was being abused?"

I informed her I was poor, had serious health problems and even once confronted her saying "please stop bragging about your daughter, it hurts me as that is the career I could have imagined for myself if my health had stayed intact". But while she said a half-hearted sorry, saying "Oh we are too proud", she continued with the same behavior. My attempts to get to know her as a person failed and then I realized she had the same personality as so many of my relatives. There was no intimacy to be had there either, just someone else who wanted to use me as a mirror to reflect off of.

I went no contact with Grievous Godmother, which really made little difference as she is and was basically a stranger to me. With Aunt Denial and Uncle Narcissist, I have walked on too, but that door was shut by them as well a long time ago.

Since when did family become about having an audience to brag to and no real relationships? Outside of my brother, the good cousins, and ones too young to be fully in the system, I am facing the fact, I really was a stranger with them all, and asking myself how on earth did this happen? My attempts to connect and even get to know them as people failed. Narcissists do not want to be "known", it is all about the image.

For years I thought I was the problem, I thought because I was fat and "failed", that they were "ashamed" of me and had reason to be so.  Later I blamed my Aspergers but while I have social difficulties out in the world, there were people who cared about and liked me. I dreamed of the day I would be thinner or even have some success or money and where I would become loved and accepted but as I got older and knew that day was more remote in coming, I started asking myself, why was I seeking love from people that from my side I didn't even like or didn't like me? Meeting normal people in churches and in other venues, I knew while families had problems at least they were not strangers to each other. The people could "see" one another. Something was very wrong.

                                          [picture source]
I think of various lists regarding narcisissts and these things applied to these relationships, they turned every conversation to themselves, they ignored the impact of negative comments on me, they bragged about their lives, ignoring mine. Looking at them, I saw how they treated the entire world with the same shallow base, with contempt for those they saw as not measuring up. It stood out to me that even a diagnosis I fought for years for, meant nothing to them all except my brother and the few good cousins.  So much was about "impressing" others and seeking their admiration. For me I faced it was a losing battle, and these relationships were a lose-lose for me. Sometimes for my relatives who do have emotions, sadness in the eyes of some of them and some kindness, I feel for them and the affect these others will have on them.

I never felt I fit in, maybe I will find out I wasn't even related to some of these people [my brother will always be my brother] but I never did belong either way.

Post script regarding Aunt Denial: She sent me a response, she complained about how busy her job made her and ended with this. She will not come back to respond when there is time. I know that already.

"I do not have time to comment on many of the points you have made properly this time.  I can say that I'm sorry and sad you feel the way you do.
Love Aunt Denial

One thing stands out to me here, she is sad about how I feel as if those feelings were wrong. Also the "do not have time thing" is pretty sad too, since I had written an original email 4 months prior with no response. I have realized I really do not have a relationship with these parties, and with some of them, my going NC really made no real changes to my life except freeing me of empty social interactions.

My Emotions Dealing with the Lipedema Diagnosis

{I'm stage IV and severe}

It explained so much, more then you all can ever know and the funny thing is for years I told doctors and others who thought I was crazy, that I felt like a "big bag of water" and I do not think it is normal for fat people to have their entire lower body including their abdomen swell up huge just from sitting up!

One advantage of all the home care and nursing care and occupational therapy I got last year was therapists, nurses and others were seeing how I operated for hours, they weren't coming in and seeing me laying in bed with endless empty bags of fast food, the physical therapist would take me on walks and even NOTICED how my abdomen expanded in the short time he was with me. For years, I have laid in bed to "control water" and blamed it on my failing heart due to weight, but they noticed I was staying alive far longer then what congestive heart failure diagnosed in 1998 would do. I still have some congestive heart failure and other problems but the picture was far bigger.

Another thing,  this explained all the endless Leg Pain for years where just being touched on the legs hurt. I learned to tune out pain to survive mentally and otherwise, but pain is part of my reality that never lets up, my legs hurt all the time, and the more swollen they are, the worse the pain. It is always there.  Where each everyday there is an ache or an acute pain in my leg and even at times in the stomach area. Now I know why and that I was not being a hypochondriac, or anything like that, my pain was real and it grew worse the more I sat up, and more things I did, and this got harder to conquer the older I got.

I also understand that the "fat" is totally different in this condition and I have it in a severe form. My attempts to diet and exercise failing, is not a abnormal thing in severe lipedema conditions. So wonder none of it ever seemed to work. I had the scary thing recently of gaining a little bit of weight, I'm at 530 and I had been exercising FAR more these last few months.  if I had a normal body, I would not be gaining weight. Out of weight gain fears, I have given up some yogurt but that is the only thing left to be cut. Our food has been more reduced, it's the end of the month, and well things do get stripped down a bit food wise, and I feel it. I was very swollen the day I was weighed, had spent much of week sitting up and went to day conference, so hopefully that explains the "weight gain".

Emotionally this is some weird territory to be on. Part of me thinks if only they caught this when I was young, but my years of poverty and other problems, no one was listening. There is grief and regret there. Why did it take so long to get diagnosed and help? Even with my abusive parents, I think if only they had listened or believed me, I was complaining about feeling swollen very early on. Did the trauma of my poverty and other horrible things bring this on right before my 400lb weight gain? Well I had gained 100lbs within a year from age 12-13, why didn't anyone pay attention except to call me fat and lazy? Why was I always blamed for everything including my own health problems?

One odd thing recently too, is realizing the genetic scope of lipedema, where people who have it tell me it comes from at least one side of the family and while not everyone gets a diagnosis and there are differing levels of severity, in my case, no one had swollen legs or arms or the body shape I ended up with on either side of the family. This has brought some questions up regarding my origins. My mother's non-answer, I already posted about. Model thin-cousins, nieces and nephews and others, and one would naturally ask "How did this happen to me?" Part of me has been doing some serious thinking about the family I "never fit in" and how I ended up to be supposedly related to people I was nothing like. If your body does not match those you are related to or your personality, what would you think? I am exploring possibilities right now to get some answers. I will either find out I am really related to my haters or will end up being a Late Discovery Adoptee. One or the other.

This illness did bring me abuse, and censure. My body even as far as super fat people go, never looked normal, my weight distribution and shape was extreme. Now that I know what was really wrong, the years of abuse and put-downs for being this way are even more poignant. I confronted the narcissists with this but one sentence those types are allergic to is, "I am sorry". No recognition awaited me whatsoever and I know I will never have it.  For years I felt like the opposite of the book "Thinner" had happened to me. All the stuff about dieting was a joke as it never worked on me. Recently even exercising far more, I gained a little bit of weight. It gets scary, it really does.

A Center for Advanced Medicine in a huge metro city even ignored it, and well I'm planning a letter for those folks. How many have this illness only to be told they are "just fat" and they enter years of pain and misery because of fat prejudice? I have the old paper where they wrote about me having a huge incredible weight gain--I used pictures for proof, and the sentence appears, "patient most likely is lying about her food intake." Their arrogancy cost me more years of suffering.

I hope the detractors I encountered on this blog, who told me I was just fat and lazy too, are now schooled in reality.

I am looking forward to some of the treatment that awaits me including some flexitouch to take more fluids off. One therapist recently said to me, "You are not a quitter." I was happy to hear that from her. That is very true, I finally got my answers, Thank God!

Rare adipose disorders that masquerade as obesity

We don't Love you because you are fat!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Story of my life! Great Video: "Fat Legs And All"

This video was the story of my life, they show women in the three stages too, I'm the worse stage. For me my weight is intense below the waist, extreme pear shape, so I am glad they cover that. The job discrimination, the trying to diet, the lack of understanding of those around me, it all was summed up in this great video. I am still processing my lipedema diagnosis and may post on that issue. A lot has been going on with me lately. LOL