Saturday, September 24, 2016

Tim's Vermeer

This movie looks very interesting. I know of the technique to use projectors at least for a line tracing in realistic paintings, but this sounds like something far beyond that in the days before photography. Well the artists WERE the photographers back then. 

Marilyn Wann Still Ignores the Health Problems of Supersized People

 Marilyn Wann Argues with Canadian Obesity Network

I'm no advocate of weight loss surgery. It's like playing the roulette. Some of the results are very very bad. I can understand someone choosing to spin that wheel. I have chosen NOT to in my case due to other health conditions, extreme nutritional shortages I suffer from now from low vitamin D, anemia to low B vitamins and past suffering from digestive problems. My digestion goes funny quick. I puke very easily. That said, why harass people who were severely overweight who did it? I warn about it but I am not going to get down on anyone who wanted to spare themselves suffering from severe obesity. I get tired of Marilyn Wann acting like the fat life is so great and there is still that strain of delusion with us super-sized people. She ignores all the bad health problems, very fat people get and she sounds more and more delusional by the year. I told her I was dying at near 700lbs and I was. I'm scared now because I am not losing weight but my metabolism must be shot to hell. You know it's bad news when there's more fat people telling her how sick they were getting from their weight and she simply IGNORES them. It would be better for something better then weight loss surgery to be researched so I don't support the other side completely either.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

The Co-Housing Life

Co-housing always sounded like a better way of living to me. I sometimes do worry about government enforcing cohousing on people and some Mao-ist communes coming into vogue. There are Christian websites that warn against communitarianism..

However a truly spontaneous group sounds great to me. This style of life appeals to me greatly. Modern American life especially for the elderly and disabled can be a very lonely place. If you have no family, also the isolation can be extreme. I fear for my unmarried disabled single friends as that can get even more isolating. Some may be able to get paid care-givers but a lot of life is spent very isolated.

Sadly for too many life becomes a series of acquaintances, that you see at various groups you may attend, or people you see out around your town. You are not really having people as part of your life, to be given to or to give to and serve. 

What bugs me about co-housing is it seems to be only something offered to the upper middle class and wealthier people. While I am sure some intentional communities would take healthy and young people with few assets who can dedicate their labors, when it comes to co-housing unless you have money, you aren't let in. It's something I wish was more open to other kind of people.

I believe these people are trying to reclaim what happened in neighborhoods 50 years ago. When people had families who were THERE and present in their lives and neighbors they actually KNEW and talked to. All the moving Americans have been forced to do, has ruined social ties and ruined community.

 Some people want lives with community in them. I have not been able to find community again in my life. That church I left here had none, it was basically a lecture society for the pastor.  I had community for a short time in my rural church in my old town and via an informal artists co-op and coffee shop. At both places we had shared meals. Here I have not been able to find that same world, and those communities I was in, in my old town ended.

I have talked to my husband about my desire to live in a co-housing community but now it seems poor people and especially disabled people are blocked out of them. It is still something where I look up the websites and dream about it.

 It was something I dreamed about but was not able to bring to fruition. My husband jokes about not being made to live with a 1,000 brother and sisters. I'm not sure he is into this style of life like me but he has admitted we are too socially isolated as well. He would definitely refuse to ever live in an intentional community, I don't want that either.  We need the privacy of our own dwelling space. I am too Aspie for a ton of roommates who share immediate living space with me. One has to be young and healthy too for most intentional communities.  Disabled people who can't do stairs, that's not happening.

Most co-housing places are limited to larger communities and more prevalent in some states then others. I know where the ones are in my state but two are in one wealthy large city area, and another is in another large city.

I would also need one where I would not be forced to adhere to a specific ideology. That is one issue, most of the co-housing intentional world is extremely leftist, not always Christian friendly though I am sure exceptions exist. There are Christian intentional communities, but there you have to be careful of cults, and some are of beliefs that differ from my own. People are social animals. While even being Aspie, I know a life full of more face to face relationships would be better for me, emotionally and physically. I believe more people are realizing something is wrong with modern American life and how socially disconnected it is and are trying to fix this. I still think about how could I fix this aspect of my life?

Senior Co-Housing 

Senior Co-housing book 

Co-housing Directory

Intentional Community Directory 

Trying to Get My Life in Order

I am working on trying to "fix" a few things though money is always a problem. I always wanted a dignified life.  Sometimes I think I would be okay if I had money to "get my crap together". This can be a constant battle. My recovery from narcissistic abuse would go a lot better with some money. As a Christian, I was convicted not to play Lotto, but now it feels like our only chance. We are too broke to buy a lot of Lotto tickets, but when my husband says lets buy one number, I don't feel as down on it as I used to. Seeing rich people with no imagination drives me nuts. If I ever had money, even the art projects could be enhanced.

It occurred to me that two dresses I sewed were both 15 years old. I also plan to repair a 17 year old skirt too this week. I found a dress I am going to take apart and resew as a pattern, but I need to go get some material and hoping I can afford it when I get my check. I also need to research how to make underwear.  If I can keep sewing, I may look good soon, I am working with scraps of a very old wardrobe.

How do I explain to my lymph therapist I don't want to wrap my feet because my carpets are dirty? She wants me to wrap around the feet. I don't live in a nice clean middle class apartment. My rugs are dirty in here.  I was going to get them cleaned this month by a steam cleaning company but then husband said, some of his pay was going to be lower. Things that need to be done are constantly moved back.

 I was too embarrassed to tell her why I don't want to wrap my feet. I hate having things on my feet too. I have not worn socks in 20 years. They don't make socks for women with size 13 feet and lipedema cankles. Even in the winter when I got outside in the 40s [I'm housebound in the lower 30s] I wear nothing on my feet.

I said, "I am too Aspie and hate having things on my feet' but she told I needed to do it to get rid of these lower bulges on the ankles. With one, she is getting me a farrow wrap. At least I will be spared wrapping one of the legs. I asked her, "Can I get a wrap for the left leg? I am sick of wrapping legs!"  She told me that leg is too far gone. There are times I feel like quitting wrapping. I know some Lipedema people who have. In my case, the punishment is too severe: too many infections. Fear fuels my wrapping compliance, but I get so sick of it honestly. I feel buried in bandages up to my nose.
My legs VISIBLY swell if I ignored them. Once I had to go to the bathroom while tied up in my Flexitouch, and ended the session midway through, and well, it gave me a funny leg bulge, where the fluid had not been pushed off yet. That part was growing massively before I got treatment and it's something that could have messed up my walking.  My body as a melting candle is so screwed. I told my husband, "You gotta get me back in the Flexitouch to even my leg back out!" It went down like usual. People can't even imagine.

We did join the food coop, this one gives us some meat. They may keep us from starvation. It is good I joined. The work was easy, all we have to do is box the food and sort it and I threw a box of salad dressing on my walker and separated it out. The people are friendly. A church on the poor side of town hosts it.

I still wish fresh vegetables and cheese were easier to come by. Food gets harder to afford. It scares me how much weight I keep on this body. I have involuntary food reduction all the time so what is exciting about voluntary food reduction to me?  I saved some small rolls for lunch and half a head of lettuce. I will cut up a green pepper and put some garbanzo beans on the lettuce for a salad.

I'm excited about my art class, and I'm going to a bible study tomorrow.  I have to do something about my growing social isolation. Even being Aspie, it is not healthy to spend every minute alone or us two Aspies [husband is not diagnosed but I believe has traits] alone with no one else to talk to. I know money stuff affected relationships. No money to go visit people. No money to do things for others. It drives me nuts. I am glad I found a few activities to go to.  These are free or near free activities. Finding stuff to do with no money can be hard but I do sometimes pull it off. One wants to have a life and to be able to do SOMETHING with it.

My social isolation during housebound months got pretty extreme. When it got hot the other day, I almost lost it. The weather seems to be turning more feral. Fall is not coming to my state. It's kind of scary. Someone told me it's supposed to drop 20 degrees next week. I hope so!

Amy Slayton Youtube

How did a video of a fat woman eating Dairy Queen get over 14,000 views?

I discovered this weird Youtube channel, don't even know where or how I found it but it's these two fat sisters who seem to be trying to promote every bad stereotype about fat people in the world. The sister Tammy Slayton who is ill enough to be put in the nursing home looks like she has some kind of serious genetic or other disorder.

They eat bad food right on camera, and even hold junk food eating contests. I am disturbed. It doesn't help my life when bad stereotypes about fat people are promoted like this. I am realistic enough to know that there are fat people with eating disorders. One can see the bad physical effects of modern American food that even go beyond weight.

"An Alien in Alien-nation"

I could see the road ahead of me. I was poor and I was going to stay poor. But I didn't particularly want money. I didn't know what I wanted. Yes, I did. I wanted someplace to hide out, someplace where one didn't have to do anything. The thought of being something didn't only appall me, it sickened me. The thought of being a lawyer or a councilman or an engineer, anything like that, seemed impossible to me. To get married, to have children, to get trapped in the family structure. To go someplace to work every day and to return. It was impossible. To do things, simple things, to be part of family picnics, Christmas, the 4th of July, Labor Day, Mother's Day...was a man born just to endure those things and then die? I would rather be a dishwasher, return alone to a tiny room and drink myself to sleep."
~ Charles Bukowski

I wish he didn't drink himself to death, but one wonders what degree of trauma Bukowski faced. I'd lay down money that he was at the very least a fellow ACON. In his case, one can see some real toxic behaviors that came out with the alcoholism and more. I always thought Bukowski was an ACON.

Normal life feels impossible to me. I do have thoughts how did I end up an "out-liner"? How did it happen to my husband who once had the title "assistant newspaper editor"? Normal life even for me, seems so far away. There's no family picnics or Mother's Day for me. It makes you wonder. Some of us seem to have the very door of life closed on us. Bukowski kind of more had more choice about it, but the guy was definitely messed up at some early stage. It made for good poetry, but he ended up outside civilization's walls too.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Smakintosh: Guard Your Heart

The narcs and false preachers will tell you to let all comers walk in and trash the place. Forget that. The Bible says different. This is a good video by Smakintosh. I never heard the churches preach on this either.

The Email that my Brother Forwarded to the Whole Family

Third in the series of the email exchanges

Keep Your Old Emails So You Know Why You Walked: Tossing the Scapegoat Under the Bus

Keep Your Old Emails To Know Why You Walked

During the family email exchange, I wrote my brother and wrote, "This email is for your eyes only". This was ignored. He forwarded this email to the entire family.  One of my cousins told me, he had no other way to know the email even existed. It was forwarded to Queen Spider as well. He was shocked my brother forwarded it to the entire family during the argument. That cousin was no ally either, I just manage to get some information for once from him.

It makes their betrayal that much more glaring. In a way my brother did me a favor and I thought later, I don't need a no contact letter with the family, they have already seen why I walked in this email forwarded against my will. One thing I realized years ago, there was no privacy, everything was going to be reported.

Why is she down on the whole event when this is between me and her?This is just more manipulation to get everyone to turn against me.  She has never tried to understand what it means to be poor. She thinks we all chose it or deserve it. She thinks she is superior to those of us in the family who are poor and that is wrong. She spends money like water, while some of the rest of us go without groceries.

Holding that over someone's head is just cruel too. She is dysfunctional because she does not love anyone and she hates her own daughter. She always has viewed me with contempt and has turned other people against me. She spits on everything I value. The entire family revolves around her, while the rest of us are chopped liver. I'm tired of it all. Someone like this you can't even talk to. She will play martyr like "oh I won't have this event next year and it's all {peep's} fault!" Evil (Peep)! Oh she will use this argument to it's  full extent. How dare you cross me! she says. My original letter wasn't even that harsh. I don't expect you to defend me, no one ever does.

 I was really sick and had a 103.7 fever Wed night and almost ended up in the hospital. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Aging With Aspergers

Growing Older on the Autism Spectrum

What about our Aspie Elders?

Any Older Aspies Finding Their Symptoms Getting Worse?

"Growing up undiagnosed, I managed to come up with many coping behaviors for my symptoms on my own. Starting in my 40s, however, my symptoms had become more pronounced and my coping behaviors less effective. This has led to issues at work with multi-tasking and sound sensitivity amongst others, which is what led to me getting diagnosed. I was curious if any other aspies have had a similar experience?
Edit: In case anyone else finds this while looking for help I will post some links here from my google searches on Aspie burnout.
Hopefully these help somebody understand what is going on like they did for me.

Aging with Aspergers. This is an issue that has been on my mind since my last birthday.  I am having a harder time socially as I get older. Online, there are other aging Aspies who attest to this too.  With multiple betrayals combined with the emotional realities of having to go no contact so wonder I got worn out. There were so many betrayals in a short period of time!

From the reddit link above one lady wrote:

"Sarah Hendrickx said something to the effect that women with ASD get exhausted from trying to bend and wearing a mask for so long, so that in our late thirties and forties we start to wear down, and the Asperger's becomes more obvious, so many women are diagnosed in that age range. She compared women on the spectrum with uncooked spaghetti, rigid, but always bending to fit in, until we eventually break. I think it's in this video:

This is definitely true. Trying to fit in, takes so much energy. It really does. I'm tired. This is what Aspergers people can call cloaking. It's not like wearing masks like the personality disordered but making sure we communicate properly with others and practicing social skills. There is a lot of feel the fear and do it anyway moments for those on the autistic spectrum.  Us Aspies learn specific social skills to stay employed and to manage in the world, but we get worn down. But even then people note our differences and if we are around toxic people we can be made to pay big time. I got tired of people always telling me I was wrong or second guessing me. I got tired of being the round peg, everyone else wants to hammer down in the square hole. 

While I always knew I was different, there was part of me who ignored it and pushed these feelings underground to compensate and "fit in". I wanted to connect with others and did. Lately however I am less successful at it.  As I have gotten older, it has gotten harder to hide my Aspergers. It takes energy to maintain a public and social face always saying the "right things". I had far less social energy to put out too even from medical fatigue. I faced a lot of abuse by people out to correct me or saw every fault as their job to correct. Aspergers was a major vulnerability around narcissists. As people who read this blog know, I have had some severe social disappointments and betrayals especially in the last few years.

The recovering ACON part of me doesn't want to self censorship anymore, while with the Aspie side, I trained myself to appear a certain way to stay employed when I was young. The two are clashing with each other.

While facets of Aspergers will improve for a young and healthy 20 and 30 something who learn new skills, for aging Aspies as the above articles illustrate, things can get harder. Add deafness and physical fatigue to the stew-pot and it's even more difficult. Many of the Aspies in those links hitting their middle aged years talk about worsening Aspergers symptoms and just feeling too tired to keep up the "fitting in". I definitely relate.  Keeping up with people for me has gotten harder and harder.

Like yesterday, I even went to Facebook guy and asked him what happened in a friendly manner, and he said, "Oh I'll befriend you right now, it was a misunderstanding!" and I went home and the friend request had been cancelled. Why do people wear so many masks around here? I do believe in my rural area, the people were more down to earth, but here, the mentality is so much different. I can barely stand it. What did I miss? Why are some of them so mean? I never had one harsh word with this particular guy. The rules seem far harder in this area. Working class and rural poor people seem much more direct while in this upper middle class place, the social rules are so convoluted, I got lost long ago. There's some nice people even here, but the mean ones are so high in number.

I just don't want to play the "please like me" games anymore. I've been hurt way too much. I know things could be worse, I know Aspies who have no one, I have a loving husband and long distant friends. The toll however of "just being me" in this world, dealing with the severe obesity, the health troubles and Aspergers has worn me out. My husband has told me, he knows I am tired and wants me to take a social break, just go to things that you like to do and let this stuff go. He is struggling too in some of these areas as well and has been surprised by some people's behavior.

One thing I told my husband is, when I was younger, people seemed to allow for some quirks and being "behind". There was this idea that a 30 something could be a "late bloomer" but now that I am middle aged, and beyond so far behind my peers [this not just due to Aspergers but the physical differences] the expectations got far higher and I was not measuring up. Many women will talk about growing more invisible as they age too.

 I feel far more wary of people then I used to.  Too many bad experiences lately have taken me to this place. I feel very burned out.  Some neurotypical people have said "It's not just you, people are getting meaner and crazier. "It's not your Aspergers, people are nuts today!" I do think as one ages all the learning to compensate for Aspergers and trying to "fit in" one gets burned out, I am there now. It was a relief to learn online that others on the autistic spectrum relate to this.

The Political World is Getting Too Weird

 If this woman has pneumonia and can't keep up with the campaign schedule how will she keep up with being president? Some of the conspiracy people say she has Parkinsons, or is actually dead now. I don't know but it is obvious to anyone with eyes the woman is "not right' and "sick" all the time. I guess the lust for power never ends even when it comes to someone's own health.

Keep Your Old Emails To Know Why You Walked II: Tossing the Scapegoat under the Bus

Read this one for context:

Keep Your Old Emails To Know Why You Walked 

The email I showed there came in a group email. I know at least 1-2 relatives read her reaming me out as displayed on that email. My brother also shared a private email with the entire family that I sent him. A cousin told me "Everyone read it, and he couldn't believe my brother forwarded it to the entire family". In some ways that is good, everyone will understand why I am gone.

She also told me that I was "totally disrespectful" to her, that was said in front of everyone. Now remember I am in my mid 40s at the time of this email exchange not a teenager and haven't been under her roof in over 25 years. All I said was "Rules for speech are a bit much". I broke the cardinal rule of not kissing narcissist butt in front of others.

 Of course no one defended me. One cousin said behind the scenes "Oh that took guts" but it meant nothing since he never defended me in front of anyone.

They all go running to kiss her butt. But that is what always happened. I know this email proved to me how the family saw me as "nothing".

Brother in same joint email:

Myself , "Girlfriends name" and the boys will be there for sure.  We should arrive
between 12 noon and 1pm (depending on traffic, stops, etc.) and all of us
are most definitely looking forward to it.  Personally I think if Mom wants
us to follow these rules it’s her choice but I for one will most likely
break them anyway seeing how that’s just the way I am :D  But if we, as
grown adults, can keep it to a minimal (which I’ll strive to do) and civil
I see no reason why we can’t bring up some issues that may resonate within
our own lives (owning a small business for example makes the whole tax and
“Fiscal Cliff” issues a big deal to me right now)  But either way let’s
just all have a great time seeing each other.  For me it’s been too long
(over 2 years) so I’m looking forward to seeing everyone.  See you there!!!


Sounds like a plan! Better have plenty of wrapping paper balls to throw
around though, just in case!!


Age another thing there better not be any conversation about!!!

I realized after going NC, that not one other family person had disagreed with my mother in person where they told her they disagreed with her or had an argument outside of my brother's ex wife, in 30 years.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Why Does He Keep Smiling Like That?

Did any of you watch Dr. Phil's interview with Jon Benet's brother Burke? I watched it. There's a second half tomorrow. Something isn't normal with that young man. He kept smiling even while Dr. Phil was discussing the death of his sister, right after the funeral and more. I was creeped out and thinking, "Stop smiling!" I am not sure if that is nerves or some other psychological condition from the pressures of what he went through.  It bothers me no one addressed this with him too if this is some kind of social awkwardness.  He definitely didn't have a regular upbringing with his mother's focus on appearances with his sister's beauty contests and what happened later. I wonder if he was trained to always keep a smile on his face by dysfunctional parents.

His constant smiling while talking about such serious murder is disturbing. He showed absolutely no upset at his sister dying or being murdered.  While he was just a young boy the lack of effect is bothersome.  He looks like he knows something or is in on "the secret". His demeanor creeped me out, I could barely watch the interview.

Keep Your Old Emails To Know Why You Walked

Keep your old emails to know why you walked. Even 10 years in they may serve a use, if you get hoovered.  This is a past email. I got this one in 2013, I've debated showing it here, for a long time because it sums up her personality pretty well and how she thought and spoke to me. At the time of this email is when I was battling the severe kidney problems.  ACONS, KEEP YOUR OLD EMAILS.

I downloaded old emails and Facebook PM conversations to always remind me why I walked. I am strong in my NC now being three years in, 4 or 5 months in with the family but during the early days of wavering guilt, and other manipulations from flying monkeys, these old letters can help remind you why you are gone.  When ever I felt weak, I just read this email. Any feelings of regret or remorse will vaporize reading one of these emails.

This letter helped me stay gone during those earlier wavering days when I was worried about "What am I doing?". She was far meaner then this email in person, so while this is one of the worse written ones, she usually held back in writing and I got far far worse verbally. Sadly I didn't want to admit to myself how much this woman absolutely hated me.  This email will give you a flavor of Queen Spider's personality even beyond the card's I have shown.

She always spoke to me with UTTER HATRED. I find it funny later when I noticed she wrote Quests for guests, yeah they were quests all right, the quest for control. In this email, she had sent out an email telling the family we were not allowed to talk about certain topics at an upcoming family event in late Dec.

I told her she had contempt for me and that was switched around. She lied too to others about taking me to Mayo or offering money to get there. She went to Mall of America, I never had money for the thousands of miles to go to Rochester. With the family events, she held them at the coldest time of the year knowing I have respiratory issues and cannot travel at those times of year though I am okay in more mild weather. My doctors know I would end up in the hospital.

That was done on purpose and when I asked to have a family reunion in fall/middle Nov, I was turned down, so I went 10 years plus without seeing cousins etc. She made sure to have Aunt Scapegoat's funeral on one of the hottest days of the year 6 months after her death happened but I was not planning to go anyhow. Of course I knew nothing about her upbringing...she told me absolutely nothing, withholding to the max. [I left the typos and misspellings in the email as shown.]

HERE IS HER EMAIL********************

"You most definitely need counseling and help to get over your contempt of me. You were notified of each family event and for some reason it is my fault you were unable to attend. I don't recall ever telling you you had nothing to show for your life, but with your hearing loss I'm sure it could not have been mis-heard. If I did say it it was definitely not meant in the context that you took it. What exactly am I supposed to do for you. Years ago I offered to help you out with medical bills so you could go to the Mayo Clinic and get a handle of all your medical issues.

****** reminded me of that and the fact that you did nothing. I know the medical issues are real. Look at the things that both your brother and sister are dealing with. Your father, maybe he is the one you can blame, had numerous issues also as you most certainly know. Explain to me where the lack of love comes in. We gave you everything we could but yet you are looking for more. ..........

When was it said that you are ruining the Christmas event. I merely stated that I was sorry I volunteered NOT BECAUSE OF YOU BUT BECAUSE OF THE WORK involved. Having 25 people in your home is not something that doesn't require work. You would know this, how?
[some lines where she throws some past help in my face]

Because I am there for the two of you I think a little respect would be nice. You are the one who has blown this totally out of proportion.

DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THE TOPICS DISCUSSED? I will most likely be in the kitchen or seeing to my quests to even get a chance to carry on indepth conversations. I guess I could just tell everyone, well there it is, help yourselves. Oh, and clean up afterwards and put everything away.

Yes, life has rewarded me with many riches but not because of lack of work on my part. You know nothing about my upbringing and the fact that we wore hand-me-downs and shoes with holes in the soles and I could go on and on. How about when as a junior and senior in high school I stayed home from school because my mother was sick or having another baby and someone needed to make meals and care for the younger ones. I took the Civil Service Test, I went to Washington as a 20 year old and I have worked hard for everything I have with your father by my side but not for long enough.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

I'm Teaching Myself to Sew

Clothes are expensive and unless I want to end up naked, I need to make some. I plan to take apart a dress that got ripped where it is unwearable and make a dress out of it. This video should be interesting in doing that. Super plus sized people cannot buy patterns. Go over size 26 and it's good bye clothes patterns!

I just like to wear loose dresses but let's see how this goes. A good friend got me a used sewing machine and it works. I fixed two of my dresses today, one had a seam ripped out along the whole side and the other red one had the pockets ripped out. I may have to figure out how to sew some shorts for underwear too.  The other day I bought some bobbins at the sew machine store and the man was nice enough to show me how to thread bobbins on the particular machine I had.

I sewed a stuffed moose in home-ec class and did some sewing lines for quilts for missionaries at my church years ago with lots of help, so I am not totally new but I am very much a BEGINNER.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Christina Corrigan WAS Betrayed.

See Post Here

Fat Logic, the home of the brain-dead CICO believers, keep screaming "Eat Less/Move More" even when it comes to Christina Corrigan. In their stunted world, there's no such thing as rare diseases that can make people fat. I have seen even the "reality" of Lipedema and Cushings argued over at that place because they are so invested in their world view of shaming and blaming fat people. The idea of any disease swelling up the body, is anathema to a bunch of brainwashed fat bigots. 

I find it funny how they hide all the links to my blog, which I don't seen done when it comes to other things they discuss on there. There is definitely a reason for it.

What is funny, some do admit, I could be right about her having Prader Willi. I also wrote she could have hypothalamic obesity or another disorder.  They ignored that part which doesn't surprise me. So the poster rants and raves about my "ridiculous" comments and then half the commenters admit I could have been right.

Since I wrote that article some years ago, some of my views have changed. I believe the girl should have been hospitalized upon the first 100 to 150lbs. Why wasn't she? Anorexics are. Then the hospital could have figured out what was wrong, and how to deal with it. If the mother was over-feeding her, yes put a stop to it!

I still stand by my belief, that she had something physically wrong that remained undiagnosed and the professionals surrounding this girl absolutely betrayed her. 

Christina Corrigan died in 1997. That was almost the year where I hit my peak weight. It's been almost 20 years, and nothing since has changed. It's the same lies. They can call me crazy all they want but they got nothing!

The Betrayal of Christina Corrigan

The ACON Lifelong Search for Community

"Or in your case and mine, we have that generalized feeling of not belonging of constantly second-guessing our connection to people and activities, which is most likely an expression of how our family never provided that feeling of belonging, and also of how our respective families seemed to exist almost in isolation in a way, in the sense that there was no solid social circle around it."

 A message board for ACONS was discussing this issue and I found it interesting that others said they felt they would never belong and were square pegs in the round hole. While American culture is getting more socially disconnected, the social disconnection ACONS feel can be an even stronger feeling because of not having families who accepted or loved us.

 ACONs especially scapegoats are denied the kinship ties and love, that I believe some of us can end up spending a life yearning for. Inside, I always have this feeling of "not belonging". Unlike some ACONs, I don't struggle with identity issues, my beliefs and knowing who I am are more firm, but there is this feeling of being floating out there, a "ghost" in one's own life, a feeling of never belonging and this inner desire for family and community, that while I've had small fleeting tastes of it, it seems so strong and beyond reality. It's like an ACON can get obsessed with "coming home" again. I've had dreams about my would be biological family where they were like me, and maybe even a few struggled with Lipedema complicating all this. We know the loss we had, in having families who scapegoated us and provided no love or connection. Some memories have come back and my feelings of being hated and rejected were so early.  I realized how very alone I was not connected to anyone for many many years.

What are the life-long influences of never feeling that early sense of belonging, and really never having a family?

You Have Nothing to Worry About: Photographer Documents Dysfunctional Mother

You have Nothing to Worry About

Instagram Account

Vice Article

Sometimes it seems too many Cluster Bs get the bipolar diagnosis, but maybe its a co-diagnosis for some. I found these pictures interesting. Queen Spider was a more cold mother to have, and more worrisome in that she was totally societally acceptable, no "known" substance abuse there, and by "not known", that just means no one knew about what was going on behind the scenes that I saw as a teen. The word Darvocet rings through my memories. She was/is seen as a "stable" member of society probably unlike this woman's mother.

This lady's mother eyes though still have the same deadness to them. She definitely seems to be more on the borderline personality disorder Cluster B wing with all the acting out. The acting out part of this ones personality probably even has allowed for the photographs to happen in the first place. Attention is sought no matter the cost. Warning there is nudity in the photographs.

"You Have Nothing to Worry About, is a complex and difficult body of work that can be broadly defined as documentary photography. 

Since 2009, I have been making photographs of my mentally ill, substance-abusing mother. Her diagnoses change frequently—from alcoholism to dissociative identity disorder—and my relationship with her has been fraught with animosity for as long as I can remember. I am fully aware that my mother thrives on being the center of attention and that, at times, our portrait sessions encourage her erratic behavior.

The photographs are simultaneously upsetting and encouraging; honest and theatrical; loving and hateful. Corresponding to my mother’s current bipolar diagnosis, conflating these seeming binary opposites is the only way to make photographs of her that are remotely valid. By turning the camera toward my mother and my relationship with her, I capture her behavior as an echo of my own emotional response. The images function like an on going conversation. "

Wikihow: How to Spot a Sociopath

How to Spot a Sociopath

They ought to teach kids stuff like this in school. A few Health teachers ought to print this one out.

"Sociopaths are great at charming people, because they know how to get what they want. Charming people know how to make people feel special, to ask people the right questions about themselves, and to generally be perceived as fun, likable, and interesting. Truly charming people possess the ability to charm almost anyone, from little kids to old ladies. If the person is incredibly charming at first glance, while his or her later behavior scares or confuses you, then you may have a sociopath on your hands."

I definitely was reading about some of the narcissists I left behind.

Queen Spider of Darkness

Acrylic Painting

I'm still working on the comic, trying to figure out the scanning, but I wanted to get back to painting and am taking a painting class via a scholarship at a local art center. Hopefully I am not too rusty but I had to do shading and some "painting" on the comic. I'm reviewing youtube videos on techniques to prepare. The class is supposed to teach special acrylic techniques.

Come Befriend Me on Facebook!

At a group meeting as he looks around the table:

"Come and befriend me on Facebook!"

He's looking at me too, and I say, "Sure, I will, give me your link"

He says "Sure here you go"

I go to befriend him, and he does not befriend me and closes me out, cutting off the message function and my ability to friend him.

What did I do? I don't know. I even defended the guy once to others. 

He has 4000 friends. Can anyone really have 4,000 friends? How'd I flunk the low bar test?

A Narc Induced Conversation

"Shirley [not her real name] is so needy I avoided her!"

I said to this person, "Who told you Shirley was needy?"

"I know who it was, it was the would be narcissist I walked away from. She put down that woman for years. Why do you believe everything that person tells you?. Everyone else was always a loser, a failure, a hoarder, needy, wrong and bad according to that person.  They are STILL doing it to their favored targets from what I can tell too!"

"When this narcissist told me about Shirley I thought her husband had died 10 or 20 years ago, she was so offended by her outpourings of grief. She would tell me things like "She won't move on". I suppose human emotions offend the personality disordered. Well I looked up Shirley online, and found out her husband had died only 18 months before, before I heard these complaints. What kind of person disses another for having natural grief and losing a husband they had a home and two children with?"

Oh I was angry I laid it out. The person I talked to conceded that it was good to hear other viewpoints, but I was still bothered. They may read what I have written here. I don't care. There's nothing to lose. If Shirley is still getting it years later, so am I. Some of us need to stick up for the underdog. Why not me?

I wish I had added too, "What's wrong with being needy?" Some people do face loneliness. When people reject them it just adds to the cycle. 

Monday, September 5, 2016

Facebook Drives Me Crazy

I believe Facebook is an information gatherer and miner and what some of the "conspiracy" people warn of.  It is a surveillance tool. Maybe I've been put on some lists for questioning the status quo already.  I guess I don't care but I would probably tell anyone still off Facebook, just avoid the place.

 I joined Facebook despite these reservations because being hearing impaired, it is the easiest place to "talk" to people via PM and find them there. Having a lot of long distance friends is another thing that motivated me to be there too. I can still talk on the phone but it's getting harder to do, and I lose a lot of what people say. Real communication for me is written. When people talk to me on the phone, I have to concentrate to get every word. On the phone depending on the voice, I can miss a lot. Some people are better then others, but some I am only getting half the sentence and it puts me at a disadvantage.  I know even with one catfish, she often had the verbal upper hand on me, because sometimes she could say one sentence to me and I was only getting three or four words. Sometimes when you try to tell people, "I can't hear." they think if you try harder, you'll hear them. My hearing aids help but only can take things so far.

Facebook is not an easy place for me. I don't fit any one demographic. If people want a yes person they aren't going to find it in me. I piss off conservatives and liberals with different varying viewpoints. Some probably get confused by a pro-union born again Christian who can't stand Hillary or Trump.

I lost Facebook friends before for having the "wrong" political viewpoints. One person unfriended me just for me being a Christian and her being an atheist. Her old account seems to be abandoned. That's one thing people will do when they want to "ghost" people, they go get a new account.  One guy kicked me to the curb because I wrote I was against the NDAA and not happy Obama had signed it some years back. I don't get people who kick others to the curb for not passing ideological tests. I see these people who surround themselves ONLY with people who agree with them on everything.  They seem to live in safe worlds where people are there to back them up. The people left as my friends on Facebook are the people who can be friends with people who don't agree with them on every little thing. Everyone else already left in a huff!

Facebook seems to be influencing people to conform more. There's something about that place, where it would be easier to be in a demographic where your opinions line up with those of others. It's a far easier world for a Democrat who matches the norm of what all that entails or a mainstream "Republican" Christian who along with millions of others loves Chik-Fil-a, and thinks Reagan was a great president. Facebook is being used to "mold" people and their opinions and outlooks. I've written enough about how the be positive stuff on Facebook is shoved down everyone's throat.  Being an outliner, I have felt the pressures. It definitely has advanced "group think" using technology. 

Heavy Facebook Use Can Make You Jealous and Depressed

One thing that can be bad about Facebook and I was talking about this to a commenter on this blog, is Facebook can make you feel bad about yourself. It can bring forth envy and jealousy. I get the feeling that most people whose lives did not go so good, probably stay away from Facebook. One does not see homeless people on Facebook putting up pictures of their cardboard beds on the sidewalk.  What should I post a picture of on this housebound day? A picture of my CPAP machine? A picture of some scrambled eggs I may eat for dinner or lunch? A picture of me doing bills where I promised each 10 dollars a month to keep out of collections? How about scrubbing the kitchen floor later? I did the bathroom one with an old rug scrubber yesterday. There is part of me that almost wants to do this to take the piss. Maybe I should. LOL  I will take one boring housebound day and photograph mundane crap and see if anyone gets the joke. 

This commerical annoys me. When I watch those idiots all photographing their food to probably post on Facebook or Instagram, I find myself thinking JUST EAT YOUR FOOD JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE! One thing to notice about this commercial, notice how the family is not talking to each other in depth but more busy focusing on what will be focused on social media. Appearances have been made into EVERYTHING.

I like to cook, I made some gourmet stuff, that probably could be a shiny example on social media if I took the time to photograph it. I made rice noodles with chili sesame oil, vegetables and chicken just the other day but I wanted this meal for me and my husband. I didn't feel like sharing it with the world! Something is wrong with this, where people photograph every meal, in this commercial a boring potroast, isn't this the height of narcissism to have people think everyone wants to see every meal you eat, like those muk-bang people?

Anyhow back to the ENVY. It's a sin I struggle with.  Facebook often makes me feel even more like a "failure" or "jealous" and like I am "not enough".  Does it do this to you? Even if I remind myself these people on Facebook are all presenting their best sides, hiding divorces, drug problems, and even worse,  still Facebook can be a negative experience.

 I have not attain certain things in life the majority of late 40 somethings have managed. I'm an "outsider" to societal norms.  Facebook lays this burden on me pretty heavy.  Because of my Aspergers and serious physical problems I fell way behind at around age 20 and never caught up. I missed developmental adult milestones. Facebook for me is a reminder of those milestones I missed out on.  Stunted by Aspergers, super-fatness, my life did not take the normal trajectory. When one is in their thirties there is some slack given for being a would be late-bloomer, start approaching 50 and well, you're a "wash-out" to regular society. I have to work on myself day and night as people know on this blog to erase the words "failure" and "loser" that shout through my mind as an inheritance from my abusive toxic family. I tell myself "Don't compare yourself to others, they are not dealing with what you are dealing with. They had loving families, their lungs worked, they were not short of breathe the last two days, their bodies worked, of course their lives will be very different."

 Many things on Facebook can trigger me. I doubt I am the only one this happens to. I fear that place for anyone with challenges.  I see people with pictures of loving family reunions where the people all love and like each other but inside, I wonder about people who post endless pictures of them smiling next to family and friends. It is like they are putting themselves on display for a life contest. Everyone's hugging and smiling and looking at the camera instead of EACH OTHER. Have you noticed this? If you are having a real fun or loving visit while invite outsiders in for a view all the time? I know some simply want the memories but even there a line can be crossed.

Classmates who seemed to have blessed idealized lives from high school graduation on populate my Facebook feed. I wasn't super close to anyone in high school but allowed around 11-12 acquaintances on as Facebook friends. Some are very nice people but they have never faced milk crates or boarding houses or too many ramen noodles. They all married young, had 2-5 children and those children are all in their 20s now, and successful. The one high school classmate who was scared away from being my friend by my raging father, went on to get a doctorate degree, happily married by the early 90s and had 7 children. Her loving family even of origin embraces her in endless public photos. All my other classmates save for one gay one, and a divorced one all seemed to marry by age 21. Everyone is securely employed and they are dentists, system analysts, attorneys and other professionals.  My childhood best friend from the Washington DC suburb I lived in until I was 13, became a high paid attorney, same for a next door neighbors daughter who became an accountant and married a high paid accountant husband. A few had secure factory and tech jobs they never got laid off from.  Knowing demographics, surely some ended up poor. I guess they aren't on Facebook. It's impossible that every classmate of mine ended up wealthy especially since the economic collapse of 2008.

Most are grandmothers and grandfathers showing off their cadres of grandchildren in lavish green gardens, fishing on boats, planting flowers in their huge suburban yards. People taking vacations, to places I could only dream of. Kentucky, Maine, vacation homes, Mackinaw Island and overseas. I guess the broke people aren't going anywhere and not posting on Facebook either. Isn't Facebook a comparison game? If one thinks about the materialism and consumerism, of "Keeping up with the Joneses". In the old days people only saw the new car in their drive-way or new gazebo in their yard, now one sees on Facebook the entire LIFESTYLE they feel they have to attain to be equal. If anything Facebook has promoted this. It's laid the pressure on for conformity that way to acquire, succeed and "show off".

I told my husband one day, I want my life to be for us, and don't want to share all parts of my life. Yeah I know maybe I am being a hypocrite since I blather on about life and personal aspects of it on this blog, and maybe even I have gotten caught up in the sharing society to an extent but there's something creepy to me about all this, where people are showing off their lives to each other like "presentations". Life contests, whose got the best life, whose the most loved?   They aren't talking about anything real in a lot of the cases but doing a "life presentation". 

I had one local guy who I inadvertently offended with one non-politically correct opinion refuse to befriend me on Facebook, he had 4,000 "friends", that told me, I probably wanted to stay far away from him anyway. I think when someone crosses a certain number rubicon, they are collecting friends like trophies to signal their "worth". No one on this earth has 4,000 actual "friends" it would be impossible.

Even the family stuff seems to present children and relatives like trophies, all lined up. I wrote about the narcissists treating children like possessions and "trophies" and acquisition signals, of "worth". I see this all over Facebook. Parents constantly post on little Johnny's good grades. One narc ex-wife of a cousin, even slapped up her straight A student's entire report card. Children who present well are pictured all over the place. I don't mind memories of children and have a few friends who shows them and their kids doing fun stuff and taking trips, but that's more for memories then the show off stuff that concerns me. When they post report cards, something has gone off.

Facebook did wake me up to my family, in some ways. I wrote about how my mother would have pictures taken of her standing next to various relatives, who were all thin. There she was smiling showing off relatives as trophies. I noticed Aunt Scapegoat never appeared in ONE photo standing next to anyone in the family, they always relegated her to some table alone. Pictures can expose a lot about people. When I examined my photos, I saw the mean looks my family gave me and realized when I took a photo of any relative, they never smiled. My mother's Facebook account, had endless memes of "I love my grandchildren" and "I love my daughter" [my sister]. It was all shallow. Family as possession, family as trophy. My sister never posted activities with her children but only achievements, her son becoming an eagle scout, her children getting Catholic school medals from the bishop and more so.  Breeding bringing worth, children counted same as stocks and bonds.

Everything becomes about status in an appearance oriented culture think about that.

I often have the thought lately, I wish I could have a real world social life instead of a virtual one. I used to blame the online world dominating the real life one, due to my being disabled but now this many years in, I see the virtual social world becoming more important to everyone. Real life socializing has gone down the tubes. I notice very few people talk to one another in public, everyone's staring at their phones or on Facebook. Meeting people has gotten far harder. While I care about online friends I have met and consider them REAL FRIENDS, I usually take them off Facebook into email at least for a more real conversation. These developments worry me. Facebook while making meeting up with people easier, and keeping contact with long distant people a far more simpler prospect seems to be breaking down social connections in everyday life. I miss even just the way conversation used to be.

So I have serious concerns about Facebook. I won't end my account because there are friends I do want to keep contact with there and I have the whole deafness and PM thing to take into account but I think I am going to be lower my participation. I have to for the sake for my sanity.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Why People Are Leaving Church

I may still go to some bible studies, my food co-op, community dinners/soup kitchen or events at local churches to meet other Christians, but I am not participating in a church or going to services anymore. Smakintosh is right about how the pastors defend the status quo, enable the abusers and prop up the system. Yesterday I was out shopping with my husband, I live in a small enough area where we constantly run into old church members from the church [an IFB] I attended for about a year.

They always come up to me with this odd gleeful glazed look in their eyes, saying things like "We missed you!". I actually have had more conversations with them being OUT of the church then in it, so that should tell you something. Well all our attention was to be given to one guy, and this church didn't even believe in giving you a cup of coffee and only had dinners when various members of a giant Duggar like family got married.

I didn't even remember the name of the woman who approached me yesterday but I remember her son had an accident since she mentioned it at a prayer service and she worked as a nurse or something like that. This has happened four times. Since going no contact, I've gotten mouthier, I thought, "Well I am going to tell this one why I left!" Maybe we will be left alone while shopping finally!

I told her.

"I am done with church for now"

"I walked out hearing Middle Eastern wars praised, I couldn't believe the pastor didn't get the memo that Bush's wars bankrupted America instead of cheering for more. I felt like the god of war: Mars was being worshipped more then God of the Bible, and hearing some guy gleefully discuss killing people for the globalists made me want to puke.

"I'm tired of brain dead Republicanism and Fox news brainwashing and no this doesn't mean I love the left either. I wish one of these pastors weren't such horrible conformists all with the same message. Putting down poor people and defending the evils of this system is not of God!"

My husband joined me, as she was telling me, she didn't remember the pro-war speech from the pulpit and backed me up saying, "I heard it for myself too!"

My husband said he was tired of poor people being put down, and I backed him up on that too. I talked to her about how the pastor loved the verse about "Those who don't work, don't eat". I'm paraphrasing here, and it was not fun for someone who was disabled sitting there listening to that bankers inspired claptrap.  Yes that verse is in the bible but then they ignore all the ones that talk about the oppression of the poor.  I said to her, "My husband used to be an assistant news paper editor, we worked hard, me before I was disabled, do you think I want to listen to that trash?"

Here's an actual post from the pastor and his wife's Facebook page....I didn't befriend them but it's public:

In their secure upper middle class world propped up by 10 percent church tithes, by the way I never could afford to tithe and didn't giving smaller amounts to the church, Ronald Reagan is saint. Actually Reagan took us to some of the dastardly places we are today.

I also told her while I still have contact with one nice lady in the church, the place was impersonal and all revolved around ONE GUY, and they didn't even have any opportunities to talk about anything with one another. She admitted that was a problem, and there was no dinners, bible studies or events. I've seen churches die over far less. I would predict this church will die when the pastor does. He is over 70 and at least a fourth of the church are people who are related to him.

This lady was nice but I could tell even last year, I was too much for her. I was sick with blood sugars out of control and asked the church for prayers and told them I felt sad. I got lectures on God "being in control" and how I needed to improve my trust in the Lord.

She was clutching her pearls metaphorically ready to gasp and in shock. I don't feel like walking on eggshells for people anymore. When they approach me, as they barely talked to me when I attended the church, I know what's it about, getting a "high" from talking to the church absent "sinner" so they can feel smug. I doubt one will approach me again.

Smakintosh is right these churches have been hijacked as has every other institution. I live in a richer area here but there are enough people to have seen their careers imploded and their fortunes lowered around here, to know something is wrong with the pastors always praising "the system" without fail. The churches have lost their salt. Why go to church with a bunch of people whose whole attitude is "I got mine jack, and you poor people are ruining the country?" Smakintosh is right about no one feeling secure. I sure don't feel that way.  I am seriously concerned about "Staying Alive" and I am not talking about just crap my own body could do to me but political and other forces.

 Going to church with people who basically support politicians throwing someone like me in the gutter is not going to happen. There was no mutual support between members, no closeness. I was asked to bring wedding or shower presents to the only dinners held which I could not afford.

During the course of the conversation with this woman, I said to her, "A lot of poor people don't go to church anymore, they can't afford it, they are tired of the pressures for money".  She seemed outraged by that, thinking they were wicked people. My husband backed me up saying, "That sentiment is not coming out of a vacuum. By the way if I saw the pastor himself, I would tell him why I left. He was the type of personality to smile at you and ignore what you said, which got on my nerves.  These Republican bots supported the destruction of the working class in America, the unions, and more. I suppose anyone struggling in that church just left, because I never met such an out of touch man in my life.

Smakintosh is correct that these churches and false pastors support our oppression. I could not sit in a pew listening to people who praised wars I see as destroying this nation economically and that killed millions of innocent people and made the world a more dangerous place. They support the system that basically destroyed my husband's hope of a good paying job, and shoved us down into destitution. They praise money-grubbing wicked politicians every chance they get. Yes there was the sermon too about how we are suppose to "forgive" and never even mention of what happens when you are dealing with the truly wicked who never repent? They preach bowing before the powerful and Dominionist theology that rewards the evil power-mongers in society. 

Why would I go to some church where I hear a man in a pulpit support my oppressors. I felt judged too for being estranged from my family and I told them nothing except that I had religious differences with my family and didn't give details. Telling them I was estranged was too much information. Now I let new people believe I have no family or they are all deceased. People are leaving the churches. There's a reason for it. Even when I go to bible studies, I don't want them pastor-led. I just want to meet other Christians. I've kind of had it with the pastors.

ACONS and Church: "Don't Protect the Guilty"

The Poor and Disabled in the Churches

Called Crazy

This is what happens to the independent thinkers out there.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Mukbang: Watching People Eat On Youtube

It's spread to America too:

These videos disprove the notion that thin people are all thin because they "never eat" or ate one lettuce leaf or one big meal in 4 days. I don't understand so many people want to watch others eat? If you watch American TV, there's people eating all over the place. Is this a new way to diet? Watch the skinny girl eating noodles so you don't have to go make them yourself and ingest the calories? I had a weird day, got so hungry eating cucumbers and turkey bologna this week from some food insecurity and blood sugar wasn't so great but not terrible-in the 130s and then I went and ate big homemade grilled hamburger with sliced onion, tomato, and bun and  some baked beans at this free church community dinner and then went back down to 110 this morning. Talk about mind bending. I even said to husband, "How much you want to bet my blood sugars are better in the morning because this meal was satisfying?". This proves to me dieting skyrockets the blood sugars, so much proof, the doctors would call me "crazy". There is part of me that thinks, "Hey maybe you can lose weight just watching videos of people eating instead of eating yourself!" Hey you'd be hoping for an starvation eating disorder if you stayed 500lbs or so no matter what you did! Anyhow today I learned what Muk-bang means!

I didn't even know this was a "thing":

"Mukbang or Meokbang (Hangul먹방; lit. "eating broadcast") is an online broadcast in which a host eats large quantities of food while interacting with their audience. Usually done through a webcast (such streaming platforms include Afreeca), muk-bang became popular in South Korea in the 2010s.[1][2][3] Foods ranging from pizza to noodles are consumed in front of a camera for an internet audience (who pay or not, depending on which platform one is watching) to watch the individual eat.
In each broadcast, a host will often interact with their viewers through online chatrooms. With the rising popularity of these eating shows, the host would find lucrative ways of benefiting from the online show. Many hosts generate revenue through muk-bang, by accepting donations or partnering with advertising networks.[3]

Fat Man in England Films Discrimination on Public Transportation

He barely registers as fat in the USA. Big cities are worse for the fat and don't get me started on public transportation in big cities. Here I take the Dial A Ride, I am left alone and no one bothers me, the drivers help me with my walker. I told a friend, I would never live in a big city again, I'd get eaten alive but I experienced in Chicago what this guy did on the bus. When people are crowded and angry, they often can take it out on the fat person. It seems he was more uncomfortable with the tight seating and crowds rather then being insulted to his face, but I could not hear everything said in the video. England seems a far more fat phobic place. Is it because fat people are rarer? It seems their numbers though are increasing too. Life in smaller towns is more comfortable for fat people, well I am judging this by my own experience.

The Price of Insulin is Rising

Insulin Price Spike Leaves Diabetes Patients in Crisis

Insulin costs so much, it's not funny. If I wasn't insured, forget it, I never could afford it. I see this happening with a variety of medicines, they are taking advantage of captive audiences. Just like the epi-pen crisis where they increased the price by a great amount the same is happening to insulin. I know diabetics who went without diabetes pill for years because they could not afford it. Something is really wrong with this country and it's getting worse.