Friday, December 23, 2016


This video was fascinating to me, in England they can go dig antique pipes from the 1800s right out of the river mud. I supposed you have to know where to find this stuff. This guy found a 500 year old gold coin.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year For The Narcissist

The Holidays are usually hoover time. So be careful out there. After three and half years even I got a phone call, that I screened out with Caller ID. They choose the days of the holidays to come slithering back knowing people are vulnerable at this time of the year.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Step Right Up

Here's a great song shared by Q on his blog. 

In a consumerist society everything's about making "the sale". Same with the positive thinking--get your corns dissolved for only a dollar. Change your life and get rich with a "changed" positive attitude! Hey ACONs know when we are being conned!

As I said on the other post, "Want to fix me? Find another sucker!"

According to Narcissists: Positive Thinking Will Fix Everything

I was told by a troll, that I need to get a more positive attitude, and it will supposedly change my life. My legs will become normal and I'll be thin and my bank accounts will be full. Heaven will unfold and singing will reign across the land. My husband will get hired with full benefits at a job paying him 6 figures. My house will look like Martha Stewart's. My art career will blossom. I will have nothing to complain about. Positive thinking and goal setting will have saved the day. No longer will I be a depressive semi-goth Eyore lamenting about my life on my dastardly navel gazing blog. 

Maybe I'm too old, but I've heard this BS for decades. It never worked.  Mrs. Curses promised me miracles via her deliverance. A Project friend promised me happiness via more volunteer work even though I had volunteered for yeas and fixing what she criticized. Gwen Shamblin and other diet gurus promised me a thin body if I thought the "right thoughts". Weight Watchers promised me weight loss if I ate "healthily".  Pastors told me I would be blessed and my husband would get a great job if I just removed all sin from my life. Sorry, it's time to live in reality now. I am no longer interested in false promises and being told to be someone else to "deserve" anything. Want to fix me? Go find another sucker.

 Narcissists always use that as a go-to plan. It's a hammer being used on a lot of heads now and it is what has replaced empathy. Instead of people feeling any 'empathy' they have been indoctrinated to believe that any suffering is 'self-caused'. Their instant reaction is to shame and blame anyone who confronts their world view or narcissism in general. Share any troubles, and these types go to town. They would never bare a soul on a blog, they don't have one.

The shaming for not being positive enough is one of their tools. The constant focus on criticism never lets up. They want you smiling and silent.  People who have no consciences are not bothered by messy things like emotions like sadness or despair, or nostalgia or even longing. Emotions piss them off. Every scapegoat raised in a narcissistic family can attest to this. They slapped us hard for crying saying "We will give you something to cry about" but they also at times smacked smiles, laughter and joy off our faces too. 

They want you to shut up. This is why a blog full of emotion pisses narcissists off. They get angry at those who may talk about what they have been through. Blogs full of self reflection are called "selfish", these are the types of people who say "Everyone's got problems" while having no empathy for anyone's problems. They would never share their problems. That breaks the narcissist code of never having vulnerability. Everything is a contest to a narcissist. That is why they compete and even seek to destroy their own children. So when they preach positivity to people realize there alone it is a cup of poison. There's not one damn positive thing about them. Even their preaching of being positive is fake. It's another mask.

Narcissists want us to wear masks too. They hate people who refuse. I refuse. Queen Spider and my father, wanted me to wear masks. My father actually at one point screamed at me, "You need to conform or no one will never accept you". There I was rejected as both Aspie and personally. Every crap narcissist I walked away from demanded the wearing of masks. There was no honesty in their world. Hidden emotions and lies ruled the landscape. Fake friends who try to control your emotions are angry at your failure to wear a mask. A troll showing up here demanding that I wear their mask of forced positive thinking and goal setting, is just one in a long line. Our narcissistic parents were angry that we did not wear the mask of pretending they were loving parents. A cartoon that is honest and says "I hate my mother", sent one zombie narc over the bend. The troll could have been Queen Spider. Who knows. All I know is they all speak the same, their message is the always the same.

It's easy for them to say "Paste the smile on your face". Our entire culture enables narcissistic messages like this, where anyone who faces any problems is told it is their fault. This is why a narcissist troll can come here and feel justified in telling a disabled woman, with multiple health problems, "you just haven't been positive enough, it's all your fault." Even the sneers about me talking about "the man" putting me down is just the words of a narcissist where the corrupt oppressive system serves them. They hate activism and anyone who questions the system. In that alone they are pod people who preach boot-licking to the system that rewards their narcissism. To narcissists politicians are the good guys who "succeeded". Succeed at all costs.

What jerks like this don't realize is many of us scapegoats, smiled for decades and all it did was get us kicked in the teeth.  We already were "nice" and "positive" for years. We always gave the benefit of the doubt to whoever we can as we got exploited and abused.  We didn't realize that we were just opening ourselves up for predators.I used to think that if I am a nice enough person that people will like me and I will become "well-loved".  For many years I was a master of the "fawn" response to abusers.  Even now I have to work against the indoctrinated reaction of becoming silent when someone insults me. I tried very hard to be "nice".  All it did was get me kicked in the teeth. 

The narcissists never worry about being "nice", they are nasty to everyone and consider their words superior and law. Their sheer arrogance shines off every word they speak. They never self correct or ever ask themselves if they could be wrong. That is the trait of every narcissist out there. They consider themselves perfect. Their world is nothing but criticism for the "lesser beings" around them.

Queen Spider never worried about being nice. She was nice to those when it served her, and got her glee inspired smears off her concocted cruelties. Trying to be positive around narcs, is something that just puts you in thicker fog. They get away with more. You go to sleep living in denial. Every scapegoat went through that "make nice" phase, where you patted down troubles, and shut down mind and emotions to pretend everything was okay after being hit and yelled at. You ignore the sabotage in the room as you smile and hustle to help them in the kitchen and make them paintings, imaging yourself breaking through a hard heart to the soft person inside. There is no soft person inside. You've been fooled. You can be nice and positive until the cows come home, it's not going to change a damn thing. 

If anything scapegoats have to light a match to the "be nice" people pleaser crap and learn to stand up for themselves. Standing up for yourself is what gets you ahead in this world. We have to be careful not to become like the narcissists who only care about themselves, but the last thing any scapegoat needs is more shame, blame and criticism where they wake up with their head down.

One of my rules for life that has been developed is I am not longer going to allow anyone to tell me how to feel or who to be or what to think. If people think I am depressing, or full of bad news then they can go watch the Oprah channel. There's plenty of blogs with upper middle class and wealthier women, talking about their endless vacations and "self actualization", go find one of those to make sure you are never challenged. No one is forcing you to read. I think people are tired of Polly Anna crap and being told to smile anyway as the system grows more corrupt. People are sick of being told things are true that are not true.

 If I am a bit depressive and look at the dark-side of life too much, tough, I was made this way.  I'm not going to mold myself for you or anyone else.  It's who I am. The same emotional flow that makes a good painting also is one that looks at reality. I don't want your unicorn candy dreams. They are full of crap. They just depressed me more. Shove your "positive thinking" where the sun doesn't shine.

The whole "positive thinking" stuff is to keep the narcissistic supply flowing for the narcissists in charge.  It's societal demands that you wear a mask. I think more people are interested in dealing with reality. By the way there's no real joy in faking it. Real joy is found in honesty and in being an actual human being.  Real friends are found among those who are real, and I'm thankful for the friends I've met through this blog. I'm tired of the fakes who want me to be fake too. They don't wish us anything good. They just want censorship and masks.

Abandoned Cabin and Homes in the Woods

Sometimes I watch the show called Abandoned on the Vice Network. I used to love to explore as a kid which almost got me in trouble a few times. I lived in too urban of an area to find too many abandoned houses. Later in life, I lived in a rural county full of abandoned houses, my exploring days by then had come to an end. That county was great for antique finds though. I found these videos of these people exploring abandoned houses full of stuff interesting though, like seeing little frozen periods of time. One wonders what happened to the people who simply left the homes. A lot of the houses are a mess, but he makes many interesting finds in them from antique pianos to glass bottles.

The 7 Fattest Women in the World

 Watch this video and notice the swelling body parts especially in those who have one leg much bigger then the other.  Most look like they have failed lymph systems and some definitely like they have undiagnosed Lipedema. According to this video, I was one of the fattest women in the world when I hit my peak weight which is probably true. I was near 700lbs. The feedees definitely need some mental help in "wanting" to be severely obese. I know Mayla Rosales was diagnosed with severe Lipedema, and she had multiple intense surgeries including specialized liposuction to lose weight. Carol Yager looks far smaller on top then the bottom which could be a marker for Lipedema but I remember when she was on various talk shows back in the 1990s trying to save her life.

  How Much Severe Obesity is Actually Swollen with Fluids?

World's Heaviest Woman Fights for Life

The second video says she is diagnosed with Elephantiasis which is basically a failure of the lymph system. Maybe they want the weight loss surgery to have her lose fat weight but obviously her biggest problem is the lymph system.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Walter White: New Appointee

This one was good for a few laughs. Since he is so busy appointing arch-villains, why not one of fictional note?

Sums Up Life on Facebook

Sarah's Scribbles

It's a constant "I love my family and my mother" fest on Facebook. Since I am almost a senior, I have the friends who had their "angelic saints" of mothers who have died. I don't begrudge them their loving mothers. Sometimes Facebook can be a nightmare for the ACON with all the "loving families" for the ACON.

Flu From Hell and Endless Tongue Sores

I've been really sick again. The fatigue is killing me. Life for me has become nothing but sleep and time on the Internet. 

This flu from hell came to get me.  Dry heaves, regular puking, sneezing, congestion, horrible indigestion, and exhaustion formed the extent of the last two weeks. I almost went to the hospital one day because the combination of severe mouth sores and the rest were sending me over the bend. The on-call doctor sent me some Diflucan and Lidocaine for the mouth pain so I stayed home.

 Outside time online in bed, all I am doing is sleeping. My sleep is around 14 hours a day. I may have to ask for a mono test or something. My sugars have kind of sucked being from 140-129 on average lately for fasting but not bad enough to explain what is going on.  I am eating some soft foods like cottage cheese and eggs.  I've cut all spicy, hard or tomatoey foods from the diet. I haven't left my apartment since Dec 3rd. On top of everything our very warm fall turned into a freezing winter so I am completely housebound.

Sometimes I don't know what to do. The thrush or "tongue sores" or whatever it is, is out of control. I have tried yogurt and kefir for probotics.  I was on both Nystatin and Difuclan last week, and my mouth feels like someone lit a match in there and burned it.  No medicines are working. There are sores on the back of my tongue that swelled up during the worse of it, where I felt like I had blisters on the back of my throat where the tongue is and tongue. The sores hurt all the time. Oddly strong doses of Nyquil seemed to cut down their pain the most. I even have wondered about allergies because Nyquil has killed some of the tongue pain but it is not swelling as huge as anaphylatic shock would do and I have no hives or other signs.

 The sores are still there, and still hurt but they don't seem to go away. Before I got this flu, because my mouth hurt all the time and these sores were there, I had the dentist do a cancer screen. Maybe they didn't see the sores on the back of the tongue but they said something about me grinding my teeth and said their light test did not show any cancer.  The sores don't seem to be healing and seem to be getting worse.

I would think cancer except they swell up and go down sometimes. Cancer doesn't "get better" then worse and back and forth. My tongue in the front always has these horrible ridges on it, it's swelling and pushing against my teeth. It is "scalloped" to the max.  It goes from pale white looking to cherry red.  What kind of specialist would deal with this? 

It hurts all the time. Sometimes I get so sick of this body. I have failed to lose any more weight, I don't know what I weigh right now, when I am in bed for days I ironically "lighten" up because a bunch of water weight comes off. My health just seems to get worse and worse. I know some major financial and other stress sent me got me sick. My husband had bad gout, an office worker erased all my medical benefits with an error that took me hours and worry to fix. I just wanted to be able to relax. I'm tired of having to worry about this stupid body.

One thing I haven't talked about but is an on going worsening problem is that my fatigue has worsened. I feel tired all the time.  I have constant guilt thinking I need to do this and that and need to "get my life together" when really all I want to do is sleep.  I put everything off even things I enjoy lately. Somehow the doctors need to take this serious. It is getting in the way of things really badly. There's times I will just sit down on the couch even while watching TV or trying to do art work, and just feel frozen, putting my head back talking myself out of going back to bed to go back to sleep.

I have to "make" myself do everything. Even when I had my art class during the fall, I would use my energy up for that and then go collapse into bed. I feel like going to back to sleep now at 10:20 am. Around noon I am sure I will drag myself into the shower, and maybe do a few dishes. It's not much of a life. I was told my thyroid scores were normal on 300 mgs of Synthroid a day, and I already get  monthly B-12 shot from the at home doctors.

As far as the mouth goes, I get constant teeth-cleaning, and brush my teeth 3-4 times a day and do at least one Water-Piking a day. It hurts a lot. Any advice is welcome. I hope I don't have tongue cancer or something else weird. It could be even something autoimmune creating this problem.

The "flu" or virus from hell is almost gone but fatigue and some coughing is still there. I'll have the doctor look at my tongue, and figure that out. I don't think it is "thrush" anymore and even if it is, something is severely wrong with my immune system.

Dead End Relationships

Deep Conversation

Make sure you are not being "mirrored" by a narc, but in general, the best times of life happen when you can connect and have deep conversation with people who "get it".

Lied to As Usual

I've read he's put TWO Goldman Sachs guys on his cabinet. I'm glad he never fooled me with his fake "populism" and promises of jobs. Already the attacks on Medicare and Social Security have begun. I can tell many have voter's remorse. We get the usual round of rich Republicans who want to make our lives more hellish. No real change. Our elections are selections. I wished I lived in a country with some opportunity and hope instead of constant disappointment and corruption. Sadly the Democratic party too and Obama as well was in with the Goldman Sachs crowd.


Saturday, December 10, 2016

King of Chicken Legs

These videos are fascinating to me. Maybe because they show a cooperative village in India and the way of life is so different? I know he's not cooking the 100 chicken legs for himself and the other man, he's cooking them for the whole village but they are eating their 2-3 chicken legs and rice before dishing them out to the rest of the village. I like Indian food, it's spicy though I can't afford to eat it too often. It's something cheaper to buy at a restaurant then to collect all the spices for to make at home. They seem like happier and relaxed people though their life is far more primitive. Where do all those dishes get washed?

Dumb as a Box of Rocks?

Has America become as dumb as a box of rocks? Is this a "fake news" meta-test?  I saw the fake rock myself right on the Nordstrom website? Is this advanced pet rocks for yuppies?

When Happiness is Turned into a Contest: It is Ruined

I read this book recently and it questions the "positivity culture" in America where everyone is expected to act positive and like everything is going so great. She moved to California from England and the culture shock of false positivity led her to write this book. I enjoyed it immensely. It is really like America turned into one big cult where the top rules was to "smile" no matter what the money masters do to you.

Childhood Trauma

My ACE score was 8 when I took the test.

There is a definite link between bad adult health and childhood abuse and trauma.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Why Isn't He Fat From Being Unable to Move?

Why isn't he fat from being unable to move?

Maybe he needs to get up and do his 30 minutes of exercise...

Oh yeah sometimes people have health problems....

I mean if moving enough will fix everything, he should be one of the fattest people on the planet being stuck there in his wheelchair.  I get scared of not being able to walk, it keeps me moving around, I know I'd be a thousand pounds within seconds if I ever got wheelchair bound. Why do you think I learned to "take the pain"? After I am on here, I'm taking the bus to the library and downtown to move around some. I have to.

Oh and I've been eating far far less. I have even lost interest in food to a degree, I am picky, I hate a lot of food the food pantries give us and just have no taste for it. Am I losing weight? Not that I can tell.

Anyhow that is a lie that all fat people are lazy. How do you explain all those overweight blue collar workers on their feet at factories or doing plumbing or construction work?

It sounds like his computer voice has changed. I read on a conspiracy website once, it made me laugh that Stephen Hawking was a fake and some disabled guy they got off the street to spout off whatever they wanted him too.  This video almost makes their theory believable. Watching this video, I know a physicist wouldn't know all the ins and outs of medical science, but why can't he take things deeper and ask questions like...

1. Why are people choosing sloth or being less physically active?  For most human history physical activity has been a joy, work was productive, people LIKE moving. Who wants to lay around? What is making human beings more lazy? Depression? Stress of  a sick modern society?

2. Why are people eating supposedly more? Hmm he must not have seen that study I found where they found caloric intake actually had come down. He doesn't even question the hunger cues and why those are skewed. What is getting people to eat too much?

Aren't scientists supposed to ask questions? Why are those two basic ones ignored?

Cortisol? Endocrine problems? Hmm he is just spouting propaganda. You can harangue people night and day to eat less and move more. It's the failed "answer" of 40 years. It's not working on my body and never has. Stephen Hawking has failed us.  He's a bad scientist with this one.

Everyone Knows

A perfect song for the Trump presidential victory. Also a good song to play for Kool-Aid drinkers and believers in the meritocracy. There's something about living in the "real world" and realizing how it operates among narcissists.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

ACONS: Paranoia is Having All the Facts?

I always loved this song.

One of my favorite saying is:

Yesterday something happened where I did worry an enemy did something against me. However I waited before going to battle, to make sure I had the facts down and a clerk had made an error.  Thank God I did. Don't underestimate the human propensity for error. Sometimes I get tired of having to babysit on every score. Can't I just be poor and happy and left alone? Paperwork is the scorn of my existence.

You know if someone gets stabbed in the back often enough, they may flinch a little bit for a while. 

For years, I was told I was paranoid when I questioned my mother. As she gaslighted the hell out of me, I was told even against my what my own eyes and ears that what I saw, or heard did not happen. My father could be present but even he would lie for my mother and change his story if he was there too. She would erase memories as everyone stood there rewriting history for her sake.

Her latest story to the family is that I have gone "crazy" and I left her and dumped everyone else because I am "paranoid".  This is obvious from what my cousin has said to me. He at least believes she is a malignant narcissist but I hope he can see through her lies one day.  I am supposedly some psychotic like a person strung out on drugs below a window shivering in fear, due to my poor "maligned" family. According to her,  I just imagined it all.  I supposedly have "cracked up" and imagined my "persecution" and my brain is so far gone, my imagination has gone "overboard".

 A new jerk today actually showed up and said, "You have wondered if your family has you on a harrassment list?' and then smeared me for being crazy for thinking such a thing. Why wouldn't I think such a thing? All the experiences detailed on this blog where I even got lied to about my father having seizures in front of me as a teen, and you think my family is trustworthy? Why? Unless you are a jerk that always takes the narcissist's side.

The would be state senator lost, just found that out though most likely he will run again. I really do have a family where people were handed 6 figure jobs right out of high school and college. I'm not making it up. They have connections in finance, and government and more. One cousin, works with celebrities and is married to man who has famous people in media listed on his Facebook. If I broke my anonymity I could prove all of this.  Anyhow it's just a theory. Where does the line of "bad luck" end and the line of full out sabotage begin? Why were their fortunes so very different? It's a question anyone's going to ask.  I know I could be wrong but it is a theory that has crossed my mind.

Anyhow if someone wants to take me to task for that, things happened right in front of my eyes. My father was second in command of a government organization. He had a good enough job and position, his retirement warranted an article in the local newspaper. I tried to get a job there when I was in my 20s and desperate and was turned down. While people out of high school were being hired for the good clerking jobs, I was closed out and slunk back to my Arby's job and lay off from my art teaching job and the plastic factories. Yes I could type and had the other needed skills.  My mother got hired there some years earlier in the 1980s and enjoyed a secure middle class income and today's retirement.

 My husband applied in at this government organization in the early 2000s, trying to get more secure benefits.  My mother put him up to it, but it was all an act.  He didn't get any job there or any interview. How foolish we were to think he had any chance of getting in!

One can argue the downfalls of nepotism, I understand, but it's obvious with scapegoats it doesn't work so well. So some sabotage happened right in front of my face. I didn't have to be "paranoid" to fathom that some people were allowed certain securities like a decent income to form a foundation for their lives and others were not. When my husband missed one government job by "one point" at different place, I started wondering what was going on. They didn't have connections there that I know of but looking back of decades of these moments, knowing my life was destroyed when someone always gave a thumbs down. There was too many negative turning on the dime. I've never had a statistics class, but I knew long ago something was "wrong".

Even with the job here, in 2007, when I told my mother he lost the job here after three months in, she said to me, "I knew he would lose that job!" That was a strange thing to say because his time at his two earlier jobs was 5 years and then 3 and half years for the second one. He kept his jobs. What would you think to hear such a thing?

So when I see every little bit of harrassment coming down the road like 20 year old parking tickets, why wouldn't I wonder if it had something to do with my family? I know I could be wrong. It is a theory.  You know a lot of ACONS get called paranoid. I remember my years of trying to tell other relatives as my mother baked chocolate sheet cakes and smiled for company about my abuse, but I was not believed. My siblings learned to deny their abuse and turn into fellow narcissists accepting abuse, coldness and lies as reality while I refused. I was told then I was "paranoid", and "stupid" and "making things up" and that my thoughts were "wrong".

Our friends have remarked on our endless strings of "bad luck". They have told us to our face they are shocked at all these small harassments and endless problems adding up and told us they have never seen anything like it in their lives.  One friend even the other day said to me, "Your husband is so intelligent, I just don't understand what has happened to him". It's gotten to the point where I am scared to get my mail. With the clerking error, the mistake was really bad. She wrote that my husband lived alone, even as I sat there right next to him in her office as he had some medical forms filled out. I told her direct I was married to him. This person has no way of knowing my family but you can see how these things add up.

My husband is not a bum and worked hard. How did he end up so empty handed and pushed down to nothing? He has excellent writings skills and even once got a book published, but nope, we weren't allowed to have a decent life. So am I paranoid to think that the people who had the power to offer me a decent job in my early 20s but refused that and then later for my husband, may be up to no good now? Chances they could care less. They have written me off but there is the chance they are up to no good still. I am a scapegoat they want to see suffer and fail. They don't want me to get ahead. After I thought of the dozens of opportunities, several destroyed right in front of my face, that's not paranoia, that's FACTS. The hoovering ended finally but I don't put anything past sociopaths.

One thing that happened to me and one reason Mrs. Curses and catfish got some inroads is I was taught to ignore my intuition.  Before I figured out I was being betrayed and screwed for sure from both of them, I had thoughts inside my head where I pooh-poohed them and thought, "Don't be so paranoid, Peep". 

There was more then a few times with Mrs. Curses and catfish before I dumped them even early on where I thought bad things about them.  I felt "evil" and didn't pay attention and thought inside I was being "unfair" and "too paranoid".

 Online and on the phone is more complicated. I'm usually so busy trying to "hear" because of my deafness and interpret what people are saying, emotional stuff gets lost. Sociopaths are easier to "see" then "hear" I guess. I thought Mrs. Curses was not who she seemed to be but then I would think "Oh she has been abused, she is really your friend, just be kind and lead her away from the crazy legalisms she has gotten into" and with catfish, she would say these backstabby passive aggressive things where I made excuses, in my head,  and thought I was "being paranoid". I would think "Oh she is bedbound, she is so bad off, you must give her a little room for anger and emotional upsetness". Both ways of thought absolutely screwed me. I should have listen to the thoughts I dismissed as "paranoid".

You know there are a lot of liars out there. Online there's false identities galore too. I can tell when someone is manufacturing an identity online. There's lots of people who even provide their own audience for their own blogs. One I am thinking of was a giant narc-defender. Don't ask me why some are crazy enough to do that. They think they will provide their own traffic and then increase it I guess.  Every blogger is familiar too with people who create false personas. Some are so over the top you know they can't be real. Is that paranoia or just the fact of negative things about human nature?

I wonder about people who get angry and call people "paranoid" for wondering what others are up to. I have noticed to suspect any bad deeds instead of being a willing dupe to every narcissist seems to bring up ire in some people. I figure some are sheltered types who don't like their bubbles popped, while others are up to no good, and don't like it when a nosy person is in their midst. They are the types who get mad whenever someone questions politicians or the system too.

Monday, November 28, 2016

More Peep Photos

I'm still having fun with photography. It does help I live in a scenic area. I like to take camera out and just take pictures at random. It entertains me. I took some cemetary and ruined building photos too, I will share later, I want to add to those. Today I plan to paint an at home still life and hope I can get at home painting going too, following the art class trajectory.

Still Being Harrassed Over Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets

                                               [picture source]

We are still being bothered over the twenty year old tickets. I want my husband to just shred all notices and throw them in the trash and say "Forget it!"" Even the lawyer said it is not a  huge enough amount for them to seek a judgement in our town. It's a huge amount to us though. I'm tired of scurrying around like a monkey for every jerk-off that threatens me constantly. I may be doing legal work again to try and deal with this mess. I may be writing petitions based on the doctrine of laches. I may also write a motion to have it set aside.  This means more money for me because each petition costs at least 20 dollars.

He wrote to get the records of the tickets, and I can tell they hastily scribbled out forms that were not 20 years old because they were all in the same handwriting and looked "new" and looked nothing like the original tickets from the 1990s. Do they think we are stupid? 

What does "responsibility" mean to destitute people? Are our worries going to fix our life? I'm tired of being asked to produce money that is not there! He is afraid of dire outcomes and kept going on about how they'd empty out our bank account and destroy our ability to pay rent. I told him they have to do a judgement first before the bank account is attached.

It scares me too, that America has grown so corrupt, that poor people will be pursued and harassed by lawyers even when there's no money in it for them. We are poor. They are spending money, to get money from people who have none!

Pay Us for Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets

Where Are You on the Clutter Scale?

 It is interesting they have "clutter scales" for hoarders. Double click to enlarge picture.

Housework is hard, I suck so bad at it. I am not a classic hoarder, and do not care about throwing things away, my problem is, I am just very bad at housework. I think I would be a happier person with out it in my life. I am constantly frustrated.

Everything has grit, pieces of crap and endless bits of paper on it. I think hoarders give up, the mess is too big for them to tackle. I have avoided the extreme hoarding level of mess: Our apartment ranges between 2 and 3 on this clutter scale.   2 is after I have cleaned. 3 is it's natural state of being. Our living room is at 3 on this scale today.

Today I threw away magazines, some old open uneaten boxes of cereal, and other junk, the old turkey carcass from yesterday, after putting some leftovers to eat in the fridge and freezer and some old bathroom ripped up rugs. I am always throwing things away. I never get anywhere. The OT therapist I had from a few years ago taught me how to clean out the cupboards and other areas, so it's scary things could be WORSE. It scares me how I constantly do all this stuff and there is nothing to show for it. The apartment still looks bad.

Where I live the city always comes through for "fire alarm" checks. I don't think a hoarder would last long in my town. If you reached 5 or 6, the eviction notice probably would be on your door. I am always panicking wondering what the maintenance men think as they come in here. They gotta to know it's gross, and even though I pour bleach down the bathtub on a semi regular basis, it's not the same as people who can do heavy cleaning.

One disabled building I decided I couldn't move into because there's no bus coverage, actually included a paper that was part of the application, asking your present landlord or building manager how good you are at housework. I am bad at it. That scares me. People in disabled buildings, get even more inspections. Why are disabled people expected to be good at housework?

Are You Fat Because You Don't Do Enough Housework?

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

The Cousin Sent the Videos: Why Do the Good Die Young?

My cousin sent the videos. I was shocked. A promise was kept. As I have written, he is one of the nicer ones, but I wish he would wake up and see what has been done, and see those narcissists for who they are. He and his brothers got love, something others of us were very short in supply of.

The videos consisted of his parents taking super 8 film and others. My father had taken tons of videos but I probably will never get to see them as Queen Spider has possession of everything and no interest in "nostalgia". Maybe when she dies, my siblings will get these old films. It is interesting these cousins, want to look back at their memories, while my siblings could care less. One cousin had transferred all the movies into computer files allowing me to see them.

The films were taken by The Aunt Who Loved Me and her husband at the time. They stretched from her wedding day and included the birth of her first child, and the birth of her twins. One of the twins is the cousin who sent me the videos. He is in his late 30s now. The videos spanned from around 1967-1978. 

Watching these videos was like watching, a sad bittersweet movie you know will have a tragic ending. The life force of my good aunt, was so strong. She was so happy, and sweet. It was wonderful having those cherished memories of her back. For that alone, seeing these videos was wonderful.

 In the videos I can see her humor, and personality, and it brought back many good memories I had with her.  She makes funny faces to make her kids laugh. She is thin and healthy and vivacious.  I am in one video, where she is giving me birthday presents, she has given me a Raggedy Ann doll, some books and maybe art supplies like crayons. It is during the time I lived with her for that short period of time. Remember when I was with her at the age of 5-6 and it was a giant controversy within the family where I asked to stay and I did not want to go home?

In the videos, she is with her babies, and playing with them and you see a non-narcissistic mother who is fierce in her love for her children. Some of that was painful to watch for me, as it was so different from my own childhood but it is how things are supposed to be. She hugs and holds her children. She takes them to skating show and with one gets a Big Bird doll out for him to play with. She brings various animals around teaching one son how to hold a new puppy. She plays games with them, she holds them up in trees, she takes them to the zoo. She puts the twins as babies in the pool.  She and her husband work together in unison, checking out their home being built and in planting their large garden at the earlier home. The oldest brother, I have never seen such a loved child in video. He is happy and smiling and in hours and hours of video there is only one of him crying as he is held by another relative. He is bright and inquisitive too. His brothers, too are happy and secure babies and younger children.  She has married right out of high school, and her husband is handsome but very quiet. He too plays with the children.

Later he will divorce her, and in the scenes where I watched him build the home for her and her first son and the two sons to later come, I think, "How could you divorce someone like that?" but he did, finding someone else. Why did he do it? I don't know all the details but couldn't help having some anger at him. Maybe things would have turned out different.

She would die in 1987 after some years of financial struggle as a single mother, but she always did love her kids, and she was so close to them. She has a love of art that shines forth in the videos and takes an interest in the world around her. That was something I was happy to see. She loved art, nature and parks. She is a very happy person for many years. She is totally unlike my mother in each and every way.

If  I ask myself how I survived intact, seeing this person with so much love to give, it was interesting. I always asked myself how I avoided total destruction or becoming a narcissist myself. The little bit of love I got was from this aunt and Aunt Scapegoat. I was dying in the desert of narcissistic hatred, but would go drink my fill in the presence of these aunts. They had life to them, they had consciences, they were not dead inside like my mother. My two aunts energy's were totally positive. They were good people. They LOVED.

 We lived far away as a kid, but I had time I lived with her and the family visits for a week average once to twice a year. Between 1982-1987, I was visiting more when my family moved to a town 120 miles from hers and would drive down during my first year of college on my own to visit her and her children.

Aunt Scapegoat shows up in the videos, she lives down the street from my other aunt. The Aunt that Loved Me and her husband had built their new house down the street from where my grandmother lived.  Her presence in these videos is mind-blowing, while her negative role in the family has been set, she is smiling, and laughing. She is hopeful about life. She is still has some happiness then. She spends a lot of time with my nephews who live down the street.  I notice my grandmother ignores her a lot in video or seems to sit far away but she is laughing in one segment with one brother.  Her smiles and laughter would disappear more year by year. The last time I saw her she didn't smile once. Seeing and knowing what she later became, was hard. Back then I was close to her, before our relationship was destroyed.

One thing came to mind about Aunt Scapegoat, she got very sick within one year of when the Aunt That Loved me died.  She lived severely disabled until last Feb when she died. This timing was ignored by the family but she never was the same again. Were any of us from that tragic death? I became an atheist the week it happened and went back to a college on lockdown where a girl got murdered outside my dorm. The Aunt Who Loved Me's death never made sense to me. I was told she died with no alcohol in her system. My grandmother emphatic upon this point while later I discovered in a cousin's blog 25 years after the fact they had been told she died while drinking. Why did they tell them that? Was it a driving error? She had driven into a tree. They told me she was driving in an "unfamiliar area" but I looked up the obit years later online and they had the cross-streets of where she died, it was less then 10 miles from her house and an area she had lived all her life. A lot of things didn't make sense to me.

It seems everyone who was "good" died young. Evil lived on to destroy lives, while the people who could love, were destroyed and/or died young. I see my mother as a vampire where people die young around her. Seven people all died at or under the age of 60. Three siblings all under the age of 36 within one family. Isn't something wrong with that picture?

My mother shows up in various spots in the video, once on a shared family vacation where my aunt's family, my grandmother and other aunt and uncles are visiting spots in Washington DC. My mother appears just as mean as I remember her. She never smiles. Even by her early 30s, she appears "old" and "haggard" and her hair is cropped into a "helmet hairdo" and she is dressed in ultra-masculine clothing. Unlike my aunt who wears flowing dresses, and hip pantsuits of the time, my mother is dressed in very mannish clothing, even for the 1970s. I got one still from the video, my mother is angry and glaring at someone from the corners of her eyes. She never smiles. She is not at all like my happy and loving aunts.


Other things I noticed in the videos:

1. My brother and sister and I seem more sad and serious especially in contrast with the cousins. My brother definitely looks like an unloved child and desperate for attention. He seems kind of muted and sad with bursts of "look at me" going from closed down looks to jumping around like a maniac. My mother holds my sister a lot, and I am often ignored.  My sister in personality seems closed down. I pop up in the videos at random times surrounded by some of the nice relatives, but am often ignored and on the peripheral. My sister has serious motor control problems and looks "ill", she is far smaller then me and looks "puny".

2. My grandmother is more engaged with my cousins but then they lived close and not 500 miles away.

3. I am a pretty child. I look far better then they told me. I put some stills up: mostly pictures of my loving aunts, but a few pictures of me are put up. Some of my Facebook friends exclaim about how beautiful I am as a child. What is sad, is by that age I was being told I was fat and ugly.

4. My health seems to change, from the earlier stills, I notice some serious medical problems. One year I look very ill.  My face is extremely swollen and round, I am not yet very obese but my head looks like a giant balloon in this particular instance. My face looks red as well all over. I found myself wondering if I had high cortisol even then, it was the same "moon face" stuff that would happen to me later.

5. There was lots of photos of the inside of my aunt's earlier house, this gave me memories of the time I lived with her and other good times. Her love of art and Indian culture was made apparent in later videos.

6. The culture and times of the 1970s are very apparent in the video, one man at a festival appears in a Nixon mask, another guy at a summer park wears a silver wing outfit while skating. One thing I note is back then there seems to be a lot more hope about life. There is a Joie de vivre in life that is missing now. Even among the relatives, while the narcissists are there sowing their seeds of destruction, there is far more closeness and light hearted moments. People are traveling to visit relatives. While some of my relatives later got wealthier, it seems life in general is more prosperous for the majority. Life seems different and far better and more simple.

Enough with the Fear of Fat

She seems to follow the usual fat acceptance line. I don't mind if people are "afraid of fat" but don't be afraid of ME. Being fat certainly is not pleasant, I have filled this blog with endless stories of it's horrors. I hope I am not gaining weight, I am afraid of "fat" everyday of my life. Some acquaintance I met one year ago and saw me again recently said, "You look like you have lost weight". I hope he is right and not giving me just a "nice compliment".

I take body long pictures to track the weight when I can't get to the scale. She looks short of breathe while doing the speech. I don't judge her for that it just is what it is.  I couldn't even stand out there without my walker. I can stand 12 minutes now but by 20 my legs are going numb.

I was having a conversation with a friend about how the focus on "identity" politics destroyed the Democratic party while they ignored bigger deals like the economy and the fact people were seeing their lives economically ruined. Its the same for fat, fat people are told to "not be afraid" of fat while the bigger issue is that everyone is growing really fat and sick. Meanwhile our lives and food are destroyed, and this is ignored.

 I'm fat, but the whole fat identity thing rankles me. I'm probably more scared of fat then anyone in the room because 50 more pounds means I could die. So I've lost and gained the same portion of weight over and over. It's better then going up. I'm the one walking around in pain from "fat" [well Lipedema means a lot of it is water, and deposits]

I'm against fat discrimination too and fat people being treated badly. Do we have to accept "fat" itself to make that happen though? If people call her the "Isis of the obesity epidemic", would she be shocked for me to point out, "Maybe it's not good that so many people are getting so fat?" Maybe we should seek after real answers instead of the usual 'denial' and 'happy to be fat' whistle by the grave yard lies. I couldn't dance after I reached 300lbs. Maybe my lungs being shot added to this but as she celebrates a fat dance company, I haven't been able to dance in years.  Maybe we should question where life has gone in America and elsewhere. The fatness is a symptom of declining health. They can make it out to be a "good" thing all they want but I don't think most normal people in healthier bodies are going to buy it.

That said, as I have said on this blog for years, no one should be discriminated against. I don't want abuse, I need better food, I need more money, I need a better life style. The denials are hurting us.
One of the fat logic "fat haters" wrote the below in bold. I don't agree that self-abuse made someone fat, as he writes, but it's true unless you can "dance", and when the body does break down, you don't present the "right" 'happy to be fat' image. I've been an outliner in size acceptance alone just for the fact of being so sick and questioning their extreme identity politics that throw away real medical realities.

"When FA's get to that stage they get pushed out of the movement. FA is for women who are on borrowed time before their body packs up, while they can still prance around fabulously while the miracle of nature that is their body still allows the abuse while still functioning. Once critical system failure happens, they're no longer portraying the right "image" for the movement so no longer get speaking engagements, and people stop following their blogs.
FA has absolutely no integrity and turns on its own without a second thought."

I'm bored with the "happy to be fat" and "radical body politics". They BORE ME. It's nothing that really changes or helps my life. Less discrimination and hatred is good, but the denial is rife. Connecting the two where one must be happy to be fat and denying everyday realities does not work.

Monday, November 21, 2016

The Latest Painting

Sorry for the glare on vase. It's not the best photo. There is a shiny gel on parts of the painting. Inside the flash was driving me crazy. This painting looks better then the photograph shows but I supposed I would put it up to show everyone the latest painting. My art class has ended. Hopefully I can can do another on in the Spring. I do want to continue painting in here this winter, hopefully I can find things to paint. Painting from life goes better for me. One thing I would like to try is outdoor landscape painting, maybe I could go paint some local scenery around here, it would be fun. I have a painting box and know of one place I would go and sit and paint.

ACONS seeking Community and a Sense of Belonging

"Or in your case and mine, we have that generalized feeling of not belonging of constantly second-guessing our connection to people and activities, which is most likely an expression of how our family never provided that feeling of belonging, and also of how our respective families seemed to exist almost in isolation in a way, in the sense that there was no solid social circle around it."

A message board for ACONS was discussing this issue and I found it interesting that others said they felt they would never belong and were square pegs in the round hole. ACONs especially scapegoats are denied the kinship ties and love, that I believe some of us spend a life yearning for. I'm not sure that these things are replaceable. In my case, I spent decades yearning for a "family" and a 'sense' of belonging but now have gotten to a place of acceptance and resignation about the realities of the society I live in. I have gotten to a place where I have told myself enjoy the few people you do have--such as in my case my loving husband, don't spend life yearning for "what could have been". It's not going to be. I don't have a family and it's not a replaceable entity. In my case, finding the would be biological family hit a brick wall long ago.

Inside, I always have this feeling of "not belonging". I knew I never "belonged" in the family I was "assigned" to in my case. When the head matriarchs decided to condemn me as the scapegoat, that made me an "outsider" for life. I meet some sad people out in life who are constantly upset and frustrated that they have "no homes" or "group of people where they feel they belong". I was one of them too.  This is epidemic in the Aspie world. Some are Aspies like me who feel the disengagement from life. Self-loathing gets twisted into these "what should have been" ideas.

  When I see people who "belong", and I know nice people who have close knit families, these are roots decades in the making. They are enjoying a foundation that for most ACONs was ripped up the very day they were born to mothers and fathers without souls. I think the best we can hope for is "belonging" in our individual loving relationships and friendships and snippets of "belonging" within community that are short lived--different activities and people one remembers with fondness. Part of healing is accepting the reality about one's life.

I remember being 10 years old and wondering why I didn't belong in my own family, and well nothing changed that way almost 40 years later. Remember it was not something you chose, it was a choice other people made. I do think sometimes the "struggle to belong" can be counterproductive and lead to depression.  There's a lot of unhappy people out there who are beating themselves up for not having close knit families and close local friends. I have been telling some of them, "its not your fault, don't get caught in the trap I did. Live your life and let whoever will come your way do so."  I think ACONs we get caught up in trying to "fix" things that are not our responsibility. All those years I tried so hard even with the relatives who were totally uninterested. I knew I was trying hard to be "accepted" and find the belonging I had been denied. When I went NC some years ago, I finally had admitted to myself it never was going to happen. 

That is something else I've given up. I do what interests me and keep in touch with the close and loyal friends, no matter how far away they live but accepting what is, goes a lot further in having some peace.

When Work Had Meaning

"Work used to be the way you provided not only for yourself, but your community. You were the village baker or blacksmith, and people knew you and you helped them out and they helped you out.
But now it's just about accumulating garbage in your laughable urban shitbox while corporate overlords solemnly lecture you about how traditional values like family and decency are homophobic and evil.
Basically Americans and maybe moderns in general have no universal, ordering way of looking at life. There is no way to understand how different parts of your life are suited for some greater purpose, which means that literally nothing will satisfy the human need for meaning.
Our system is literally designed to make people feel sad and inadequate so they try and make themselves feel better. Your hair is ugly, so buy this shampoo! Etc. This drives a consumer, consumption fraud economy.
The true nature of man is to be a human who loves his family and his friends and cares for his soul and the souls of others. But moderns try and keep the material and spiritual totally separate to deny and exploit the body.
Sitting in a cubicle doing paperwork for 40 years until you're too senile to continue is no existence. You work in a huge glass tower in the center of a hideously overcrowded, polluted metropolis, you hustle past thousands of other humans you don't know every single morning, you have no zero close friends, you see your elderly parents once or twice a year, you have no children despite the fact you're 30, you spend nearly all of your work and leisure time staring at layers of molecules aligned between two transparent electrodes and two polarizing filters, you are f*cking STRESSED OUT by these illuminated molecules and the various pixels they comprise, your hair turns grey and falls out as a result.
Is there ANY part of this that sounds like something a human being should be doing? If you hijacked a chimp, put a burlap sack over its face and set it free in a lazer tag arena it would probably feel pretty stressed out too."

Seen on Lost generation

Sometimes in my discussions of the world with my husband and friends, while the identity politics seem so important to the left, I ask, "How come no one addresses the problems of work?" It's like all societal progress stopped in the late 19th century when it came to the job and the meaning of work in one's life. No real changes have been made to the hiring process or how a boss has far more control over a worker's life then a king. If society is going to progress, shouldn't work itself change? Why don't even "progressives" discuss these issues? If some do, tell me about them. None of the authoritarianism or strictures of the work world are ever questioned. Not even the things that limit productivity. 

Of course the Republicans want to get rid of unions and the few worker protections that came in. There seems to be this weird idea about work where it's needless sufferings are glorified among the "conservative" set. "What do you mean you want a sick day off? Where's your work ethic?"

When I was young I wanted my work to have meaning, I know this fueled the art teacher foray, and one can find it at rare times, but this guy has a point. Work had inherent dignity in it that is being lost more and more. I found meaning in the art, the "flow" so to speak. I was so enthusiastic when I was young. Isn't this better then being a zombie? I enjoyed some work when I was young, anything creative I liked it. When I made soups and salads for salad bars that was one of my best jobs except for the pay and then the art teaching too. People want to see rewards of their work, some handiwork, something real and tangible. That got lost too in the work world.

I have been been disabled for years but one thing I have noted is people are really unhappy at their jobs, and it seems to be world where no one wants to touch it. No activist [well maybe Barbara Ehrenreich] has said, maybe it's time for the work world to change. No one has questioned the crazy hiring practices, the firing and how many are shut out.

The hiring processes need changing and how people are able to "get" and "keep jobs". What happened to my husband should not been allowed to happen to anyone. Where would society be without the "busy work" and where people could truly give to society without ten dozen hoops to jump through?

Fight, Fawn, Flight or Freeze

The Four Fs

I was reading some Peter Walker's articles, and was intrigued by the theory of the 4 Fs.

 "Complex PTSD as an Attachment Disorder Polarization to a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response is not only the developing child's unconscious attempt to obviate danger, but also a strategy to purchase some illusion or modicum of attachment. All 4F types are commonly ambivalent about real intimacy because deep relating so easily triggers them into painful emotional flashbacks (see my article in The East Bay Therapist (Sept/Oct 05): "Flashback Management in the Treatment of Complex PTSD". Emotional Flashbacks are instant and sometimes prolonged regressions into the intense, overwhelming feeling states of childhood abuse and neglect: fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and/or depression. Habituated 4F defenses offer protection against further re-abandonment hurts by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that is prone to re-invoke childhood feelings of being attacked, unseen, and unappreciated. Fight types avoid real intimacy by unconsciously alienating others with their angry and controlling demands for the unmet childhood need of unconditional love; flight types stay perpetually busy and industrious to avoid potentially triggering interactions; freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries; and fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves - by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other - by giving service but never risking real self-exposure and the possibility of deeper level rejection. Here then, are further descriptions of the 4F defenses with specific recommendations for treatment. All types additionally need and benefit greatly from the multidimensional treatment approach described in the article above, and in my East Bay Therapist article (Sept/Oct06): "Shrinking The Inner Critic in Complex PTSD", which describes thirteen toxic superegoic processes of perfectionism and endangerment that dominate the psyches of all 4F types in varying ways."

I think my dominant ones were fawn and freeze and under extreme pressure, the fight one would come out. Its like we were all deer in the headlights before narcissists. I am actively working on some of these tendencies. Fawn for me was a really bad one where I would try to "people please" and get people to like me. I would react to criticism by trying to make up for it, and trying to over-listen and over-do. This is one aspect of my behavior that I know allowed someone like "Mrs. Curses" to enter into my life and others. Recently when someone starts criticizing me, and acting that way, I don't "try harder" anymore and that has given me a great degree of freedom.

Blaming the Poor for Ballooning Up

It's Not Poverty That's Fattening-Its the Bad Eating Habits

This is a British article. It's written by one of those poor-shaming "right-wing" conservatives, who believe people are poor because they are "immoral". Dalrymple may be right about some of the "bad" behaviors, but doesn't understand the motivations or limitations of poverty. Some poor don't even have proper kitchens. It took me years to even have the right tools to cook with and I had years where I had none. A good friend who works estate sales, helps to outfit my kitchen for me. I got some silver mixing bowls and needed Tupperware. The Tupperware was almost like a new "miracle" for me, before things stayed in their original pots or bowls and if I was having a more flush week, got a piece of tin foil over it, otherwise, it was a left over shopping bag from the market over the top of it.

That's one guy, I would sit down and discuss, "This is what being poor is really like". I also believe if someone was brought up poor in a trailer park and were not presented with any ideas of "good food" beyond hot dogs and bags of Cheetos, how are they going to know any different? I was raised upper middle class and got some information out of it I suppose. My middle class college and wealthier high school introduced me to home ec and some food knowledge. I still eat recipes I got from an close wealthier college friend's family.

One odd moment the other day was getting what I consider "rich people" food from the mobile food truck, it was a Chef Irving "side" that consisted of pre-cut fresh broccoli, red onions, pine nuts and a balsamic vinegar sauce. It tasted good. You were to parboil the broccoli, saute up the onions, golden raisins and pine nuts and add the vinegar sauce, I ate it  with one lean pork chop, half a cup of left over pasta from the dinner the night before and it was good though I think the golden raisins gave me 5 points on the blood sugar the next morning. I said to my husband, "This is rich people food, and imagine if we could eat food like this at every meal".  It probably ended up in the mobile food truck because one escaped a yuppie customer willing to pay 5.99 or 6.99 for a side dish. I sneak in "rich people" food whenever I can. Many meals had a handful of a box of organic greens I bought from the grocery store last week.

Here's the problem getting good food is HARD for the poor. In fact I feel like so many hours of my life are dedicated to procurement of "decent" food it's insane, but fear of weight gain motivates me. The food co-op has allowed us more meat. I have eaten lean pork chops and roast beef I could not afford for years. I may have lost a little bit of weight lately, I am not sure, but my dresses always get far looser on the top. I was running around more. Of course I fear what being housebound this winter will do. It is a constant frustration.

My blood sugars have run in the low 120s on average and the doctor says he is fine with that. I do get too many sugary things from the food pantries and the rest, way too many cans of corn, but one church gave us a chicken and one a giant bag of prepared stuffing.

 Rich people can afford all the meat, nuts, salads and vegetables they want. I cook A LOT. If I did not I would die, but it is tiring and I do not have three part time jobs to piece together anymore like most of the working and poorer class. Unlike them I have time to screw around, and chop vegetables, and do more of it but even I get tired out. Sometimes I feel like a kitchen slave, and wished I could win the Lotto and move into assisted living with an available cafeteria with healthy food. Yesterday I baked a chicken, cut up a turnip, and some carrots and put stuffing in it, and ate it with my husband. It took 3 hours in total to prepare. How do people with bad employment and horrible mixed work hours, sit together for the classic "family meals"?

I get tired of the "blame the poor" rhetoric, as if they all could "fix" their problems tomorrow just if they would "try hard enough".

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Conversations About Letting Go and Letting God

I got in a weird conversation with another friend the other day...I wrote her:

 "I think in this society some people do not fit in. Don't take this wrong. Many good people are being outcast and
"thrown away". One thing I have noticed is if you still have emotions and an emotional life, the cold as stone types do not welcome this. I did not fit in due to being an Aspie. I guess I have accepted these limitations and no longer banging my head against a brick wall to be loved and accepted."

I had to accept the fact I do not fit in. This means accepting myself as an Aspie. Chances are I never will. This may sound like a strange revelation but it is what it is. One thing I have been freed from over the last few years is that feeling of "having to perform"  or "censoring" myself to be accepted. While some frozen moments can still crop up, I just stopped.  I put a lot of energy out in the people pleasing and for the repression. Now more of this energy is reserved for other things.

This was a major change that also knocked down my anxiety levels quite a bit. I started saying what I wanted. The other day, they had changed my art class to a place with stairs, due to a one day special event. It was in a neighboring house the art center owned. This shocked and surprised me. I think people did not mean malice but just didn't remember. I could not get up the stairs especially since I had my walker and left my cane at home, and made it clear this was unacceptable.

I am not so sure the old me would have done this. She may have just gone home and cried over feeling "left out" and hating herself for having a giant body that can't navigate stairs. They changed the venue and moved to the basement of the art center where the elevator goes, so I could go to art class and paint. I was happy and people apologized. I said, "It is important the disabled are thought of and not left out that way."

 I am dealing with the reality of who I am socially since I went no contact from abusers and more, and I'm done with the demands and trying to be someone others wanted me to be or "fitting in". Being this old, I got too tired. I gave this friend the advice, "Don't work and struggle anymore to fit in, you are who you are." 

 There's too many people hurt by this. They try and try to be accepted and loved and to attain positions denied them. Some live in object grief for not entering worlds and places denied them for decades. Abuse victims especially are put in that place of trying to "earn" people's love. It is a tragic place to be, and the terrible adult outcome for a child denied unconditional love.

 Love is short in the USA as a whole with the narcissists in charge. We are seeing the collective grief I believe of the USA right now for their falling fortunes, which is one reason the orange faced man promising new things got in. One reason for all the grief and craziness, is people were told to strive instead of live and when they see goals not attained and carrots on sticks snatched away constantly they go a little psycho. The whole country seems to be a tinderbox for a reason. If one imagines the USA as one big dsyfunctional family, the narcissitic politicians have gaslighted us all to be at each other's throats.

 People strive socially not just professionally and otherwise, and that can be a treadmill leading to grief and sadness too. This applied to me too and surely you see that theme on this blog, where so much of my life, was dedicated to "trying to be accepted" by others. Sure does it hurt that I have no family that loves me. Sure it does. We all have the dreams of loving families that were vanquished.
 There's times that all ACONs mull over "What we could have done different." but honestly it was a decision they made, we didn't make it.  I have other things to attend to in life rather then begging for love and attention from people who don't have it to give. With many of them, I don't think they even love or care about each other except the sons of the Aunt Who Loved Me.  The gift of unconditional love is the gift that changes a life for the better. The others lacked it. The coldness, competition and more was not just reserved for me. I just was unwilling to accept it.

A lot of my energy has been needed to attend to my own household.  My husband has been really sick a lot. He's in bed almost as much as me. I am worried about my husband. I fear for his health. My husband has been sick a lot lately with gout and then he needed an emergency tooth extraction which he got at our free clinic. Yesterday after the gout attack seemed to be over, his leg started giving him problems where he was limping around. He is always exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if he has some kind of fatigue disorder. He is older then me too, so that affects him too. He has the free clinic, but he definitely needs a specialist to get to the root of all the fatigue and constant gout attacks. He is diagnosed with vein disorders in his legs as well.

I went for moral support with him to the dentist.  One worries about a loved one. It can get scary when your caretaker is ill. He still did my laundry on better days and put me in my Flexitouch machine and helped as much as he could. I worry for my husband, we have had a lot of stress, and he didn't have regular health care for years. These things have taken a toll on his health. If we won the Lotto, I probably would put us both in an assisted living place that had private apartments but help with laundry and cooking. It seems awful, that for both of us mobility is so compromised.

I took the trash out on my walker during his worse illness bouts which always seems to get me some sympathetic looks and offers of help from the neighbors.  Some sympathetic souls have looked at horror with me bumbling along on my walker and him limping along on one of my canes with his latest gout attack.  He was able to get his pills when we both got paid and seemed to be doing better for a time but fell back into some kind of leg/gout problem. When he loses his mobility for short periods of time, that's when things can get scary for us both.  When he can't walk, I'm taking things to him.

I plan to talk to some disability advocates and others about what we should do if he gets sick for long term. He has health problems that are serious but they told him in his 2009 turn down for disability he could do sit down work which the freelance stuff is.  More and more disability is being reserved for the "Can't breathe" people like me. Many others don't get hired and cut out of the work-world but unless they know you can't walk or breathe normal like me, and a demanded work shift would mean an ambulance ride, they don't want to know. Something is wrong with that. Poverty alone sickens and ages people. We are both in far worse shape, then people of better means around here who are even 10-20 years older.

 To be honest, I think his health would be a lot better without sitting in a chair transcribing for hours or worrying about meetings or getting enough work, to make minimum wage pay.  One newspaper just cut some work the end of last week. The constant roller coaster stuff is crazy-making. He makes money about equal to someone working at McDonalds.  Someone who can't stand for more then ten minutes can't physically handle most of the menial jobs out there. Sometimes I watch all this, and I hate that guy so much who fired him at the last job in 2007, but then I think health-wise probably most of the narcissists would have booted him out. The fix was already in when the newspapers knew he was barely able to keep the 14 hour days going anymore.

 More and more disability is being reserved for the "Can't breathe" people like me. Many others don't get hired and cut out of the work-world but unless they know you can't walk or breathe normal like me, and a demanded work shift would mean an ambulance ride, they don't want to know. Something is wrong with that. How come there is never talk about progress when it comes to hiring practices? That's something I wonder about. The work-world is to be kept as mean and draconian as the worse 19th century factory.
Being scared for him and a little over-wrought and tired, I was writing stuff about "Why won't God help us?" and "How did our life come to this?" I was getting mad at God thinking, "Hey God, my husband has had it hard enough!" and then over life in general.  I wrote on my Facebook wall,

"For Christian friends, have you ever had a time where you felt like God was not hearing any prayers? What am I to make of this?" 
I told them I felt like God had left the building like Elvis and I had prayed about some issues for over a decade and been unable to fix them.  Watching someone else suffer so horribly who I loved was difficult. I did add I feared falling away and was not interested in going back to being an atheist. My husband would joke and say to me during some of these theological musings, "Just send Peep her suitcase full of 50s and 100s already!". Yes sometimes he can have a wry sense of humor.

Some friends reminded me to be careful to listen to God's Word and not abusive religious people in my mind like Mrs. Curses who threw up endless hoops for me to cross. Sometimes I think in our society a false view of God has been forwarded. There's many people who are finding out fast we do not fit in the Christian world. I even sat down and thought "Why am I angry at God?" Is it Him I am listening to or Judgmental people who told me that when bad things happen to me, that it means I do not have God's blessing?"

Remember Queen Spider and Mini-Me present themselves as ultra religious in the Catholic flavor.  I was told for many years that God favored those who He blessed. Narcissists will tell us, that poor or sick people did something "bad" to deserve it. I never judged people myself that way, but I internalized that crap when it came to me personally. Sometimes ACONs will hammer on themselves as much as the world does.

Christianity has gotten into the status and competition game. It's become STRIVE city too. The evangelical churches seemed like competition factories for who has the most loving families and picture perfect lives. They now have all the jockeying for "leadership" positions and family first teachings, that have helped to fuel all this. There's a reason the concerns of the poor and down and out get thrown out of the church window to vote in another blonde Richy Rich.
They worship those who have achieved and those who have STRIVED and attained it all in this world instead of Jesus Christ.

 Rick Warren pushed it with the "What is your purpose stuff?" in Purpose Driven Life. Churches became more about life improvement and self improvement. A lot of people got left behind in all that. The more I thought about it, when husband got sick, and I was ranting about God even writing in my journal, "God why are you so mean to us?" and then feeling guilty over the times of some answered prayers, I thought, "Where is this stuff coming from? Whose judging me for being lacking, the judgmental people or God? I know keeping one's head on straight in this society can be crazy-making. It also produces a lot of the anxiety.

People who are told spiritually and otherwise that they must always be producing, and improving or showing evidence of being blessed in this world with God smiling favor upon them are very anxious people. There was part of me who even started getting embarrassed at seeing no improvements in our life or fortunes.  When one's social life becomes one of competition and fitting in instead of feeling loved and accepted in real relationships, people feel afraid. There's a lot of fearful people out there. They are scared. What are we scared of? Is it actual hunger or trouble or the loss of status and favor and love or being the one with the fingers all pointing at us?

One friend's advice was to let go and let God. They told me the more they stopped caring what happened to them the more peace they found. They had suffered from anxiety too and just got tired of worrying. They still make plans and do what they have to, to better their life but they don't get caught up in what could happen. It did help take stress and frustration away. They also mentioned sometimes people can get caught up in an always praying and never receiving mode. Yes, that probably happened to me. It was better to let things go.
I have ponder thoughts like I am tired of trying to swim against the current, and all this worrying, and trying to 'fix' or 'change" life instead of accepting what "is" was screwing me up and I wanted done with all of it. When one gets old, they want peace and rest. That's what I want.

Us ACONs can get caught up because we are always pushed to perform or impress or please that we learn not to just be. I actually had started working on stopping caring about what happens and realizing I can't control it anyway. I don't have that kind of control. It had cut down some of the worries but they were still happening.

Yes more happiness lies in the path of just letting it go and not worrying.

I told my husband we need to worry less. He worries a lot, and is like me in some ways. For the sake of his own health, he has to ease up and we both have to stop being so scared of the tsunami coming to overtake us. There's a point where you're running and fighting so hard just to survive, a lot of energy is getting expanded, but you're stuck running in the same place. He is of the age now too where he deserves some peace and quiet as well. If only they didn't design work itself now to be so maddening. He is one of those people who strived for success. He still does. He published a book in 2003 and used to have articles in national music magazines, he already has had success. I don't see it as "giving up" but a mellowing out. Still do what you can do but don't bang your head on the brick wall.

Like in others cases if they lose your job, there's not much they can do to stop it and you do what you can.  Still try and do what you have control over but realized you don't have control over a lot of things. I don't have the energy as much to fight the rising tides and the world has gotten more complex and scary. His stress needs lightened up for his health. The endless expectations of this world have beaten us both down.

 I got caught in fighter mode with all the illnesses and maybe it kept me alive longer but it has done other bad things to my psyche. The energy that kept me alive through severe abuse and when I was almost dead and 700lbs, fueled a fire in me that kept on burning hot. My friend's advice was good in helping me to think about mellowing out and find more peace. Let go and Let God. And I tell myself, "Oh you don't have to fix everything and it's not in your control anyhow". I'm done with the strive-a-thon beating so many others down. I pray my husband's health improves too.

Update: I don't believe in God anymore, not the Christian concept of one anyhow. Sadly I was talking to empty air. 

Going No Contact Cured Severe Anxiety

Many of my life long severe anxiety problems eased up after no contact. They have gotten so much better. I have been shocked and amazed at this amazing cure of "generalized anxiety disorder" and gut-busting panic attacks, that left me shaking for decades.

Therapists with severe anxiety patients should dig deep and find out if they are being abused or victims of past abuse. COPD can trigger anxiety in me but even that is more controlled, I can keep myself together more. I got sick last week trying to pick up a heavy turkey while walking in an Aldis to put on my walker that I was buying  for later in the month.  We may still go to this community dinner for Thanksgiving and save the turkey for later, but they were on sale and a deal I didn't want to pass up.  Picking it up put me in respiratory distress. Later,  I was able to calm myself down and get my breathing together. This was medical melding with the mental, but it is nice for anxiety to be rare. My husband told me, "Don't pick up any heavy items, they are too much for you, come get me!"

One thing those narcissists do to us, is mess us up, life becomes the hamster wheel. Over these last three years, I have been able to CALM DOWN a lot more. Like even when I was taking the bus, I'd wait and would tell myself, everything will be okay. Even if you are poor, you are still a good person. I would enjoy the scenery and took pictures of the sky, while sitting and waiting. I want life to be peaceful, laid back, free of BS and drama.

This may be the biggest gift of all when it came to being no contact. It sliced down the worry. It allowed for peace and calm and times of thinking. I think it has helped my art work too. Yes that sounds weird. Some people talk of being in the "flow", there are times of painting, where you are there painting an object, seeing the inward colors, and it can be an interesting passage of time. Such moments are found in peaceful times. A lot of my art was fueled by stress and anxiety but a new art may emerge now. I have noticed the paintings may even go a bit brighter. The art therapist in me finds this kind of intriguing.

When I talked to that cousin, some of the anxiety sneaked back. He reminded me of the old anxious me, and while that cousin is not one of the most evil ones but simply influenced by them, the being triggered and "feeling afraid" feelings came back. I sat down and really thought this out, "Why is just talking to him making me feel so afraid?"  Sometimes people or groups of people are just bad for us. We know we are not liked, and hate and despised.  The years of back stabbing and games have taken a toll. Even the "nicer ones" are trained to see as a "the problem", "over-emotional" or "crazy" and there's no breaking through this after decades of them being told this.

It is a big deal for me to have decades, yes literally decades of severe panic attacks and anxiety disorders reduced so much. This doesn't mean I may never have a panic attack again because Aspergers alone can bring anxiety troubles, but they've been reduced to the extreme. I don't feel afraid as much as I did all the time. That was worth the walking away.

Therapists need to really look at the anxiety and abuse equations. What is happening to their patients? Where is the anxiety really coming from? Probably for many victims of panic attacks, and crippling anxiety disorders, there's some narcissists and sociopaths lurking around. I struggled with OCD as a child, to the extent it was probably one of the most severe cases in the world, when I moved out from the parents, my hours of checking things was over. I suppose it's like this for the other anxiety problems, cut off the poison and healing can begin. 

If you struggle with depression, anxiety and other problems, pay attention not only to any possible chemical and physiological problems, pay attention to your environment too. Who are you allowing in?