Thursday, September 27, 2018

creating sickness | recovering from religion [cc]

This video explores the inherent injustice in religion and brings forth the question "Why does a supposedly perfect being demand perfection out of beings it created to be imperfect?"  Another question the video asks is "Why are we subjected to these sufferings by a Creator whose immune to them?."

Monday, September 24, 2018

Did Dr. Phil Betray A Scapegoat? Dropping the Ball When it comes to Narcissistic Families!

“My Mother and Sister Poisoned My Daughter Against Me and Now I Refuse to Go to Her Wedding!”

 Did anyone see this Dr. Phil from last week? It was awful.

Kristen, the focus of the show, did have some problems and showed too many emotions to narcissists which is the soonest way to get burned. I could see those narcissists sitting there and laughing with their exaggerated lies. It was gang-up time. Their cold dead eyes and smirks spoke for themselves.

Dr Phil sent her off to get treatment for PTSD, but I wish there was some real education about narcissism on Dr. Phil. Some say he is one himself, so maybe that's why we never see narcissists called out for their evil behavior on his show. There seems to be no other explanation. This family had definitely ganged up on this woman as the "identified patient" and gone to town, and he had nothing to say about it like usual. Has Dr. Phil ever mentioned malignant narcissism or sociopathy?

Dr Phil always seems to ally with the narcissists or be very silent in the face of their behavior.  Here, he diagnosed Kristen with PTSD but pussyfooted around the real cause of the PTSD and that sucked. That denied millions of viewers information about these narcissistic families and what they can do to people. Narcs will never out narcs, and always defend them.

"Aunt Susie" definitely has stolen this woman's daughter and put herself in the place of where her mother should be. The daughter to me, acted like every other flying monkey and narcissist enabler I have ever seen, where they defend the family members and treat the scapegoat like a throwaway. Sadly Kristen let her emotions lead which dug her hole deeper.

Narcissists will use everything said in the heat of anger or upset and twist it and turn it against a scapegoat. The only solution here is to go no contact with the daughter as well as the rest of the family. The daughter has already chosen the narcissistic family. It's a horrific loss to lose an adult child this way, but this daughter will bring her down along with the rest.

I noticed they had no empathy for her mental health issues, and denied and mocked her PTSD diagnosis. She was sexually abused too. That's how narcissists operate, there's no mercy for ANY health problems. I have lived that. If you suffer from anxiety, or depression or other issues, THEY DON'T CARE. While you are considered defective, the irony is at the same time, in that "defectiveness", any mental health issues are denied, and a scapegoat is blamed and devalued.

She stood alone, facing down all those flying monkeys and her daughter. Many of us ACONs have been in that position. We know what's its like. No one ever took my side. I was used to being alone pretty early on.  I talked about how I went no contact with the whole family after a time of trying to reason with the others and presenting my side of things. There was two choices, be abused, and listen to excuses and put-downs the rest of my life or walk. Kristen is at that crossroads too. I hope someone tells her to walk and about no contact.

There's no talking things out or reasoning with narcissists or a narcissistic family system. Many probably go on these talk shows thinking they will find justice or someone to go to bat for them, but they just get thrown under the bus yet again. This is disappointing to watch. I had thoughts years of ago taking Queen Spider on a talk show, and fantasies about "outing" her on national TV.  We probably all have those fleeting thoughts, that Dr. Phil, Oprah, and the rest would bring us justice. It is a pipe dream. There's something negative in the human psyche too where they believe narcissists. The majority on Dr. Phil's Facebook page rooted for the family and chided Kristen. 

Dr. Phil never challenged the narcissists, he had them leave at one point, but that was it. He did not address their behavior or anything. He let the family get off scott-free while they remained in cruel dismissal of Kristen. With some groups, we have been maligned and there is no changing it. I hope Kristen is not told by false psychologists and others to "behave" for her family, whatever she does nothing will be good enough. She will always be the scapegoat.
Dr Phil never told us how she got PTSD from abusers, the sexual abuse was named in passing, she was never gave much empathy or support and he gave her no true defense. He believed everything the narcissists said, and told her that her behavior was "outrageous" and "overshadowed" the behavior of "others" without mentioning that bad behavior of the others. So she got called on the carpet and their bad behavior was never addressed.

Dr Phil did excuse the gang-up and I noticed he focused on the mother's behavior but never questioned the daughter. Yeah that poor woman got really no support. I actually think they victimized her right in front of anyone. Some of the stuff that they reported she said sounded like exaggerated bullshit to me.

At one point that horrified me, she was trying to tell Dr. Phil they manufactured some of the "crazy texts" and this was ignored. I could tell she was telling the truth.The smirks were giant then. They took pleasure in her pain, and knew they "had her".  They reveled in her humiliation.

Yeah this show fed off the suffering of a scapegoat. If that PNP centers tells her to "forgive and forget" abusive family members or tells her she has to "reconcile" and keep these people in her life, they will be wasting her time, and taking her to a worse place. For her PTSD to be healed, she needs to be away from these abusers and go no contact.

I have warned about Dr. Phil before on this blog.

Wannabe Rapist for Supreme Court?

The Christian Taliban is running America now.  Now they want a wannabe rapist or actual rapist for Supreme Court.  I am a survivor so I am pissed. These bastards can't sink any lower in my eyes. These sons of bitches, are insulting 51 percent of the population. Instead of screening for malignant narcissists and sociopaths to be kept out of high level offices, that's whose getting the jobs.

I've had two attempted rapes in my life and other sex abuse related incidents in my life.  Watching all this has been extremely triggering. Violent men don't care if a woman is large either, I was almost 6 feet tall and large as most men when I got jumped before. I have faced sexual harassment too, threatened with rape on a job by a man far larger then me at the time, and also grabbed in the chest where I elbowed the man HARD.

Too many don't get that the promotion of wannabe rapists and rapists to the highest offices in the land, walks hand in hand with toxic religion and it's desire for total patriarchy and oppression of women. Patriarchy goes with fascism. What is even scarier is watching all the evangelicals defend this.

This is make or break time for America, if this guy gets in, except things to get far worse for women. If the blue wave fails and Dorito Hitler is voted back in 2020, then this place will become a toxic hellscape.  Sociopaths don't apologize or admit wrongdoings. Two women have stepped up at time of me writing this and now maybe a THIRD. Where there's smoke there is fire. 

The Psychological Harms of Bible Believing Christianity

The Psychological Harms of Bible Believing Christianity

As I have written on here before, I believe trauma can take people into toxic and controlling religions or cults.. For adult converts into highly controlling religious groups under the evangelical/fundamentalist umbrella, they do focus on people who are vulnerable and seeking "ANSWERS".

 They prey on the poor, those who feel "outcast" from society and who seek belonging. I was "fed up with society", felt I didn't belong anywhere and wanted to have a sense of purpose and had a desire to change the world. I had been cut off from the UU community too living in a very rural fundamentalist town with no UU church for 100s of miles.

Let me share a conversation I had with a friend [name removed]

FRIEND: So what drew you to the fundies?!

PEEP: one word trauma and reading too much damn bible prophecy for my own good

FRIEND: Because you didn’t strike me as someone who would fall for that

PEEP: [discussion of severe health problems, poverty, almost dying, moving to the extreme rural community].....

My family called me evil and Satanist
for being a UU you know [my first deconversion--I was in the UU 13 plus young adult years.....I have since returned to the UU]
it took a toll
maybe I internalized that?

FRIEND: They targeted you because you were vulnerable.

My friend summed things up with this last sentence. Toxic religious groups do prey on the vulnerable. I was vulnerable.
My reasons beyond desperation for converting into fundamentalism included the wanting of close community--that's one of the things that attracted me and feeling "special" in this world and trying to find purpose. I wanted a "family". That one alone by itself takes people into extreme cults.

I consider the IFB a cult, though it doesn't control you in your daily life, via direct supervision.

I asked on a support board I am on:

How do you believe evangelical/fundie Christianity psychologically harmed you?

Many agreed with me they were psychologically harmed.

In my case, I was raised with uber Catholicism by the abusers, I was not allowed to have any independent thoughts, and was told constantly I was "going to hell". It was "conform or else. I would deconvert the first time. When I entered the evangelical fundie world later, I believe this was trauma based.

Here is the list I gave the support board for ex-evangelicalists and fundamentalists.....

1. The constant shame. I was taught from IFB pulpits if I had depression and anxiety it was because I was "letting Satan have his way with me" If anything bad happened or wasn't resolved from health problems to finances, I was told my "lack of faith was "impacting my life" and taught "God blesses those who obey him".
2. The magical thinking. Christianity broke my reality tester. I was taught that fantasy was real and that "the things of the human intellect are foolishness to God". They taught me to suppress the intellectual mind that took me into the first deconversion to begin with. I wasted years believing in demons, bible prophecy, conspiracies, the new world order and all this complete fantasy, and distrusting science. The magical thinking extended to life issues and the shutting down of rational thought. Praying was tons of wasted energy and based on magical thinking too.

3. Delayed development Some people raised in fundamentalist households faced this but I got the Catholic flavor.  I realized with horror like many people on these boards who were raised in the IFB instead of being adult converts, my upbringing was like theirs in many negative ways.I was not allowed to date, go to any dances, prom or parties or socialize. I was shamed for any sexual feelings or attractions to boys, but then at the same time because I had not married by age 22, I was called an old maid.  I had homophobia unleashed on me though I was straight. My development was delayed. Socially all this control affected my social skills life long even beyond the Aspergers. As I talk about on here, no contact will bring new revelations. While my high school classmates got married almost right after high school, I was kept in a state of diminished development. This would bring life long consequences.

4. False forgiveness. I was told to forgive abusers and keep them embraced in my life and to reconcile with them. It seemed all the forgiveness and kindness was to be extended to abusers and not their victims. I was told to honor parents who were abusive, and to always side step to their wishes instead of going no contact which I later did. Being told to forgive toxic personalities is a recipe for disaster. Here too is a place where Christianity ignores the fact we do have people without consciences out there. Toxic Christianity teaches bad boundaries and actually teaches against self-care.

5. Self esteem issues. I always felt like a "lesser" in fundamentalist Christianity but was following the carrot on the stick, believing that if I grew my faith, my life and finances would improve, my health problems would be eradicated, and my relationships with others would be better. Even within my parent's Catholicism, I had been taught that "good people" would have "good lives" and was set up for a major fall when disability came to knock on my door. I thought God would help me, I didn't expect shoe boxes of 50 and 100 dollar bills, but I thought I was have comfort and peace, I got the complete opposite, anxiety and self loathing. The fundamentalist world in it's classism and ableism was highly negative to my self esteem. It destroys many people's self esteems who are told they are sinful, wicked and degenerates who all need a "savior"/

6. Constant fear. The constant threats of hell, world disasters via the bible prophecy and rest was a huge negative. It increased my anxiety disorders.

Since leaving, I hit a year of deconversion this summer, I have been far more calm and happier.
I am in recovery on all these things. I got tired of being a scapegoat and God's worm, only worthy to be chaff in his furnace. I do see evangelical and fundamentalist Christianity as a mind control enterprise that serves the oppressive and powerful in our society. Religion was a tool my abusive parents used against me and sadly I internalized way too much of it's false teachings despite my earlier efforts to remove myself from it all, and fell back into the pit under a new flavor.

Deconversion does bring liberation.  The chains of religious mind control are broken.

From the link above:
"Bible Belief Creates an Authoritarian, Isolative, Threat-based Model of Reality
In Bible-believing Christianity, psychological mind-control mechanisms are coupled with beliefs from the Iron Age, including the belief that women and children are possessions of men, that children who are not hit become spoiled, that each of us is born “utterly depraved”, and that a supernatural being demands unquestioning obedience. In this view, the salvation and righteousness of believers is constantly under threat from outsiders and dark spiritual forces. Consequently, Christians need to separate themselves emotionally, spiritually, and socially from the world.These beliefs are fundamental to their overarching mental framework or “deep frame” as linguist George Lakoff would call it. Small wonder then, that many Christians emerge wounded."

Bell Hooks

Sunday, September 2, 2018

From Zero to 60: The Major Hoover Attempt

My brother wrote back to his no contact letter.

They recently tried to hoover me. I know 5 years in, they are still popping up like poisonous pennies. Maybe I erred engaging. In his case, there had never been a no contact letter. I decided to send one for legal reasons--I wanted a documentation that I wanted nothing more to do with him, and to put closure on it all.  I told him off 2 and half year  on the phone, the day he told me Aunt Scapegoat had died. That had been our last contact.

A few months ago, I ignored a card my mother sent and threw it away, that came a few days before my 20th anniversary. In this she said, her husband was dying. This is the husband she married around 10 years ago. He's a nice guy but fully under her control. I wasn't even invited to their wedding which was held on January 10th. I feel bad he's dying. People drop like flies around Queen Spider but no relationship with him is possible while no contact.

 Because the guilt game did not work to slide back into scapegoat place and because my mother's husband was dying, my brother only a few months later was called out as a flying monkey. He told me he wanted to come and visit me. I refused. I have not seen him in almost 9 years. I don't think he has even been in my state in all those years either but have no way for knowing for sure. He went to visit my mother. I had messages blocked, but a few came in.  I have to lock down my social media more. He had others emailing and messaging me too. He told me he wanted to visit, another nephew was used as a pawn.

"We want to see you", well you all know the game. The "forgive and forget" side step. I told him off on the phone, 2 and half years ago but he came back, like nothing had happened. This time he was acting nice, saying he wanted to do lunch and bring the nephews. I ignored the messages for weeks, but then felt afraid, that he'd show up at the door uninvited. I probably erred engaging at all, but for me having final closure works better.

 Some people have recommended legal means to be left alone. Well I have to put my barriers up higher.  I erred letting the messages come through and seeing them. There was one block that actually failed, I have to figure out what happened still. I cannot underestimate my mother's total control of people now.

Here is what I wrote him:

 I tried to talk things out with you for years, and it was a waste of time, you did nothing but make excuses, invalidate me, deny my abuse, tell me you were busy over and over, and defended their abuses and cruelty, telling me I was always in the wrong or had to put up with it. I have given up on any of you changing. You are what you are, and so am I, a person that doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

 Earlier he had written me this, notice the minimization and rest. I fixed the grammar and spelling mistakes. My husband agrees he is in deep denial.

Never did I deny anything you said about our childhood. But unlike you I decided NOT to allow it to define me.

So totally removing me and *********** and your nephews from your life makes absolutely no sense. I'm willing to agree to disagree on this issue. I wish the same could be said about you. I've forgiven Mom and Dad for all the shit they put me and you through. I guess you have not.
And as far as choosing Mom over you? This makes no sense. This is our first trip to {my state} since the last time I saw you and **********. So seeing you guys is as much a priority if not more as seeing Mom. And i want to see {mother's husband} he is not doing well and wish to spend some time with him. He's a great guy whatever you think and deserves respect regardless of your feelings about Mom.

As far as being busy? I run a business and have for 26 years. And as any self-employed person will tell you is not a five day a week, 9-5 job. I still put in 10-12 hour days. Even when I'm not out selling I'm still doing something business related. But after 26 years most days I still enjoy it very much. But I am taking 3 days off this weekend and with all that free time, which i get very rarely, I've choose to spend some of it with you. Unfortunately I guess ...... you don't forgive people right? I always believe people deserve second chances and sometimes third or fourths as we are human and none of us are perfect. 

I guess if you feel this strongly that I have treated you so bad there is nothing i can do to change your mind. Sad really. There's a lot I've wanted to talk to about but guess that not going to happen. All I asked was we could come see you which we don't very often. I know it's impossible for you to visit us but understand it's not something I'm able to do frequently either so I hope you change your mind and take advantage of this opportunity to see each other. Neither one of us is getting any younger.

I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want any more of his games, bragging, shaming or guilt inducements, so I decided to write back and make that his official no contact letter. Maybe this was an error and I should have kept to the last phone call it, but since I had just been informed of Aunt Scapegoat's death that day, I didn't have time to say even more I wanted to. At least now the door is closed as far as he is concerned for good.

Here is some of what I wrote him:

You had two and half years to apologize or stand up for me. You actually helped enable the over-all abuse. You are denying what I said about our childhood here. Also telling me I have let it define me is bullshit. I am defining myself outside of a family that never had any respect for me, that is the road to recovery not denial like yours.

I am not talking about childhood all the time but how I was treated as an adult into my 40s. Maybe you think it's okay to keep people in your life who rip you down--they did all the time behind your back, you know, and who refuse to invite you, ignore your health needs or drive by your apt without stopping by and teach many others to treat you with disrespect. Your response here has only proven that I have made the right decision.

The whole family spoke to me the same way you did in private messages and emails, telling me they were "too busy" even when they drove right by my house, ignoring my private messages, even some I wrote only a couple times a year, coming to visit your mother and making sure "not to tell me" because they were busy. People chose their priorities. Busy is an excuse. This relationship was long ago over, because you were "too busy" as you told me every time I tried to write you a private message only once every few months. The fact you are doing it yet again is disgusting.

 I am tired of the put-downs. Even here your first response is to minimize things and tell me how the kids you worked with were more abused. Hmm, you probably will tell them all to "forgive" their unrepentant abusers and take it, instead of going no contact and bettering their lives, and finding people to uplift their lives.

So here, you showed the usual disrespect which backs up my decision.

At times you would appear shocked at what I told you like what she said about wishing [Aunt Scapegoat] would die that time but you would always revert to your brainwashing. So I am wasting my time.

It's almost been 9 years. Do you remember when I asked you to visit me, and you told me to send you 1,000 dollars? That was funny because the very next month I saw a picture of your Christmas tree with thousands of dollars of presents under it.

How do you forgive someone who keeps repeating the same behavior? Forgiveness is for those who repent. It is not for those incapable of feeling guilt. That is false forgiveness. When behavior is repeated over and over, then you are just a sucker. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

 Also when you go on about the business, it's to brag, I'm not stupid. Just like you bragged to me constantly about your new cars, computers and furniture with pictures included. How do you think that made me feel?

Sure people deserve second chances, but there's a point where people are toxic and harmful to a person and that applies here. With the family, I gave multiple chances. How long did you all expect me to hang around being treated so badly? I mean are any of you truly surprised I walked?

Even your first message here was an insult, acting like nothing had happened since our last phone call in 2016. You never acknowledged anything I discussed and your constant dismissive messages of "get over it", "leave the past in the past" and "let it go" BS was just said to silence me and here you repeat all of it. Playing "forgive and forget" games where I am supposed to get back in line while nothing is resolved is a waste of time.

So yes I do feel you have treated me badly, you are treating me badly in this response. You are invalidating me same like before, it just has helped cement my decision. It's the same old thing over and over.

Really what do we have to talk about, you don't respect anything I have to say. ........I believe the only reason you are contacting me now is because Mom told you too, since I ignored a card she sent three months ago.

As I said, maybe one day you will wake up but I am not counting on it.

I was doing a lot better, "forgetting" about them. I'm even kind of embarrassed to be writing about being drawn into the spiral again, and almost made the choice not to post about this. I still plan to continue with my life as before. The final door is shut on him. 

Maybe for two steps forward there can be one back. I was happier and becoming more calm. Focusing on trying to enjoy life and moving forward with it. I need to put some higher barriers, control on the mail, and more social media blocking. They are always trying to control me via emotions since they have none. There's always all these people dying around her. She sucks their energy like a sponge.

One thing many ACONs need to be warned of is often no contact must be maintained. I am sure I have made my errors. Some ACONS online told me it seems odd that my family is tracking me down so much and it seems extreme. They told me they were just discarded and that was that.

One thing is I don't want to drive people around me crazy talking about the horrible family when finally I had stopped for months, and felt good. The light at end of the tunnel was getting far brighter.  My only way to deal now is consider this a blip on the map and keep moving forward.

 I don't think I ever will understand how she got them all in her back pocket so easily but there's nothing I can do about it.  It is hard to describe my emotions of disappointment and grief here. I had my deconversion but it's scary to watch the universe, or whatever force runs this place, always choosing her.  One apology, one nice word outside of bragging, or showing off or being Mommy's flying monkey and I may have relented. The same goes for all the other cold narcissists I walked away from. They are INCAPABLE of it.

He was abused too, some of my most horrible memories are watching him being beaten in front of me. He could have been an ally but was not. Internalized Oppression has him worshipping his sociopathic mistress: "Mom". Understand this is some of why I took so long to let him go. I certainly gave it enough time. I had to face facts too about what kind of person he had become too.

It is kind of creepy that someone can go from 0-60 in asking for a visit nicely to "Go Fuck Yourself" so quickly but that's life with narcissists.

One thing with the narcs, if there's any milestones or birthdays or anniversaries coming by your way, realize these are some of the moments they will strike.  This can happen years later as my example illustrates. I hit a 20 year marriage anniversary and 50th birthday, all within a short period of time. My father died on Labor Day weekend 20 years ago, so I am not surprised this weekend was chosen either for the attempted hoovering. You are not paranoid if you sniff the subtle manipulations.

With my brother, I gave him far too long and too much patience. He is a disappointment. He always talked to me in a very negative fashion. The grand business is selling candy bars from a van with teenagers. Some states have outlawed these "candyman scams" but not in the one he lives in. He calls it a charity, taking them on a few youth trips a year but having them sell candy bars door to door, and he lives off the proceeds. He does work and make money, he is on a far higher socioeconomic level then me but it's just more of the bragging and family-wide materialism.

The candy business may not last long. He has very poor health too telling me that he still has problems from his quadruple bypass of three years ago.  Illness has spread through the family even to the sociopath's willing victims and sycophants.  There is no relationship left, and even then I consider him in the category of another narcissist I had to get out of my life.

I spent a lot of my childhood having to defend myself from him fighting like a boy, never protected as a girl. He always spoke to me like a thug, learning from his parent's examples.