Platonic Catfishing?

"Just when i thought everything was good
My friend i guess misunderstood
thought we had mutual respect
Now i see the times that we get
So becareful who u choose as a friends
For they might let u down in the end...
Just when i thought a real good friend i found they pic you up u to let down


them let u down down down
them let you down down down,
down down down down


So my son always bear in mind
A faithful friend is hardest thing to find,
it is better an open enemy
A false friend is hardest thing to see cause,
when times are good, well a friends are plenty
In times of trouble, well not one in twenty,
Just when i thought a real good friend I've found
pick you up and let you down, eh

The other day I was channel surfing and saw the show on MTV called Catfishing for the first time. I don't always trust reality TV and am sure that some of it is scripted, but some poor shy 20 something year old kid was meeting the woman he thought he had fallen in love with online and who he wanted to marry and she was a fake.  He got suspicious however when none of the promised meetings ever happened, and so he brought MTV with him to confront the woman who was something like 20 years older and lied about who she really was to him. Catfishing is usually seem in the romantic context, where someone dallies with the affairs of the heart, but it can be liars that also scam for money and present themselves as false platonic online friends too.

If you write anything online, that has elements of whistle-blowing or where you share controversial opinions about size acceptance or other matters that upset people,  you can get yourself some enemies, who want you to shut up and want the goods on you at the very least. Whoever this person was, they seemed to want to clean out my brain and then walk away. Well there isn't much dirt to know.  Come on, I lay out almost my entire life on this blog and if I tell someone about it's existence, they are getting a front row seat.  Your blog may be small potatoes but maybe it's gotten some unwanted attention.

My opinions about obesity and size acceptance ARE CONTROVERSIAL. Whistleblowers and those commenting on society aren't always the most welcome at the party. I had a few try to love-bomb me and become instant friends, one blogger whose blog turned into the Heal Narcissists blog,  who seemed to worshipped at the altar of the expert on narcs who is a self avowed psychopath, tried to buddy up with me via email and failed. Well someone did wiggle in recently who I wrote about here.

I have wondered recently if they were a "Catfisher" of sorts. They showed me a few pictures, but then they were very extremely limited, maybe it was pictures of someone else? On their Facebook wall there was no picture after 1988. I was friendly and showed them tons of photos hoping they would open up or maybe give me a pic from the year 2000. Here was a place where I just wasn't careful enough.

My husband has told me he wants me to be careful who I befriend online. I have met VERY good friends online, include one  friend I have known for 12 years, another friend I met on Facebook two years ago, my one deceased friend of 17 years, my Aspie circle of friends which includes several people and who I have known 10-15 years and they are all good friends who have been there for me in all ways that count even if we all live far away from another. I also as well have my ACON contacts and friends and others through this blog. This time I got so badly burned, I'm retreating, knowing I am too vulnerable. While this blog is anonymous on line, I need to be more careful who I share it with. The trusted friends I never got burned, but with others, you will.

The internet can be wild and wooly place and remember we are the first generation dealing with the social ins and outs of internet socialization. We can have things go bad. I believe with the TV shows detailing Catfishing that is just the tip of the ice berg of what is happening out there. It doesn't have to be someone who wants money or is part of some bigger agenda. It can just be someone who enjoys screwing with people and messing with their minds.

I realized someone "mirrored" me to the extreme. What do I mean by "mirroring" where someone acts like they are just like you, where you think "Oh I have found one of my tribe?"  They told me they shared a lot of problems with me. I thought and this is very dangerous, "Now this is someone who will understand". That is one major red flag. Another is love bombing. I wonder how I fell for things but at least it was only some months wasted instead of longer. No money was involved only, just a false friend I bared my soul too and then I realized was telling me things that did not add up. I had to learn even if someone shares deep and personal things with you, it doesn't mean you are safe to do likewise.

Some may ask "Why do you think they were a catfisher?" instead of a sincere person you simply were not compatible with? The instant bonding, the deep desire to influence me on everything from obesity topics to religious ones, like they were wiggling into my mind trying to change it on everything.  It also  included seeking out close bonding to get me to open up and to share very personal things--here is where mirroring took it's greatest toll, and then the absolute silence when I asked them to explain some stories and medical claims that didn't make any sense and didn't add up. I felt like someone played me and played me big. I'm done with them now.

 Be careful who you open yourself up to online. With many friends, it worked out great for me, but with this one, I am left with a bad taste in my mouth and realizing some depths of human deception, I couldn't even fathom and you all know how much I have seen.

Why Do People Do This?

You have a online friend, and you share many good moments together, you joke, you talk about personal things, you share art with them, they share poetry with you. You may share personal problems and other things, and then suddenly they get angry at you. They tell you that you are a great person and they love you. You hope it is true, you like them, they are interesting and smart.  Was I loved bombed? Now I think so.

They have shared problems with you some even far worse then yours but suddenly yours are too much for them. You don't know what you did wrong. Suddenly they close you out. They do it slow and low, saying things like "lets take a break" and sticking to the weather. The freeze-out was immediate.

They do the polite dance steps. Along the way, you have noticed something is wrong with the stories they are telling you, something doesn't add up. The medical things and other things sound weird and don't make sense, why have they only show you a picture from 1988 and you showed them up to the minute photos on Facebook?  You notice when you disagree with them they seem angry. You didn't mean to upset them but you know you can't denounce Jesus Christ to make someone happy and agree with them that the Bible is fake and full of errors. You told them you were a Christian on the first day, so that gets weird. It's not like you made your beliefs secret.

 Something seems fishy. Internet relationships can be complicated. You aren't seeing the person in real life. Was I catfished I wondered?  Well catfishes are usually romance types but I wonder if it can be done with fake platonic friendship. Why else did someone befriend me, get me to open up and bare my soul to them only for them to dump me once they emptied my brain out? Do some people enjoy playing games? Were some enemies trying to get the goods on me? What else is there to find out? I have an entire freaking blog, detailing the woes of my life. Am I paranoid for thoughts like this? Stranger things have happened to people online.

I know now while I have some good friendships online, one friendship is a few years old but I've seen dozens of pictures of her, and she is real,  a few are over 12 years old in duration, and I had my good friend from years ago who I was friends with for 17 years who died. I have to be more cautious about who I meet online and who I bare my soul to. The person in question even told me they were a fellow Aspie. Well I went down that road before with one blogger I parted ways from.

This stuff hurts, it really does. My deceased online friend told me if you can find one person you can trust in this life time then you are more fortunate then many people. I know what she means now. Why are people like this? So fake? I would rather someone tell me to go to hell then give me the stupid freeze outs and fake crap. It hurts bad. I cry over all these people who couldn't give one crap about me. What gets me is the stuff I ignored. I knew something was wrong but I wanted things to be true. Well at least this time I only wasted 6 months instead of 4 years or 30 years like with the college friend. I broke it away first. She was freezing me doing the cold polite thing. I could feel it. My intuition is usually proven correct. I wanted to be wrong. I wasn't.

 Sometimes a person feels unlovable with this crap. Like everyone hates them and they must be a bad person that everyone should hate. I am too sensitive.  If not for my husband and good friends where would I be? I need to talk to a therapist. Dear Therapist why do people hate me? I have analyzed every bad fault. Ok I complained too much. My depression got the better of me. I sent cards, I tried to be a good friend. I wanted to know sincerely how they were doing. I did CARE. Okay does that mean I suck and should be vanquished to pariah hell forever? Maybe it's not me. Maybe some people just hate me out there just because they want to. Maybe they hate my personality, the spark of life. Maybe it's religious division the Bible warns about.

Sheesh this has been a very hard week.....

You all will see why with the next article too.

Peep's Personal Red Flag List to Warn of Predators

This is my personal list, these will be the details beyond the known factors of narcissists and sociopaths... We know already about their entitlement, coldness, lack of empathy, these are other red flag signs beyond those. Some of these red flags will be personal to me and my personality:

1. They whine about cleaning and tell you that your apt or house isn't clean enough. Next time I hand them the broom while they whine about how messy my apartment is. If they don't clean they can leave.

2. Things fail to get done. They tell you one thing and make promises that never happen. They are undependable, and there is always an excuse.

3. They are good "boy scouts" and "girl scouts" who insist on the rules but then you notice they never follow the same said rules and always get their needs met.

4. They never go without an unmet need. If someone has never lost a job in their entire life or had one set back--be careful of catching any innocents in this net but every narcissist I knew never lost a job. [This may not apply the parasitical types] Be careful of people who have always gotten every need met in their entire life. This applies to my sociopathic mother. She never has gone without one dollar she has wanted.

5. Watch out for constant criticism.

6. If they approach you with the attitude of "fixing you", run like hell and never look back. Don't listen to talk of "deliverance" prayers, or "you need to volunteer" more. Avoid those who act as if they have a direct dial to God. New and baby Christians need to be especially wary of religious narcissists. ACONs because of our upbringing, can become prey to the "fixers" who see your inherent lack of self-worth prior to recovery.

7. Avoid those who pity you. Pity sucks. It will drive your self esteem lower then hell. The do-gooder pity patrol while you think they will "help you" and sometimes one or two may meet a physical need, the price isn't worth it. The disabled need to be on guard for this one especially.

8. They repress you. If they tell you things like go watch a movie or read a nice book every time you tell them anything sad, run like hell. At the very least, keep them separate as a "public friend" or friendly acquaintance where you share nothing deep. Your emotions bother them. That's what they are telling you. We know too the malignant narcissists who use emotions to abuse.

9. Avoid people who see every problem as "solvable". If you have problems that are not solved, they may treat you badly for them.

10. Avoid people who see everything as a competition. Such types are willing participants in the "American Hunger Games" on different levels. A sub-set here would be various sell-outs who do not mind selling their souls for careers or engaging in evil things for world success. If your friend works for a GMO-manufacturing company or counts body bags and machine guns for war or does PR for a guy like Lex Luther, maybe reconsider things.

11. Shut the door in the face of those who sneer and get jollies upon the sufferings of others. If you meet someone and you start wondering why everyone else they know is a "loser" or "crazy" since they dog everyone out, realize you can be next on the list for a new smear campaign. Double warning for anyone who cheers about anyone getting committed like my relatives.

12. People who buy presents to shut you up or get you to "get back in line" are no good. Being bought off is not being respected. Same as when my NM tried to offer me a used car the very day I went no contact. She knew I feared lacking transportation. Abusive husbands are known to buy flowers for their abused wives, well this can happen in other contexts with narcissists.

13. If you raise issues and they dance around topics, and don't answer anything directly be wary. The dancing as fast as they can game is often done for confusion.

14. If you have someone in your life, you are around all the time or talk to for many hours and then you don't really know them, and they don't really know you, then ask yourself if you are simply narcissistic supply for this person?

15. Be careful of being the counselor or counselee. I have to avoid the trap of seeking counseling and too much help from friends. I don't mind counseling friends but then if someone is calling you everyday 5-6 times a day where you are ready to send them a therapy bill, then rethink things there.

16. If people assault your values, or tell you that you must be silent about your beliefs or they ban discussions of certain topics, it is time to walk. They don't respect you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about everything either. With the toxic, many expect 100% agreement to earn their respect. It's a waste of time. A subset here, is when you bring issues up or talk about things they flat out ignore and change the subject as if you were talking to a wall.

17. If they share nothing of themselves and you realize you have told them so much about yourself while you barely know anything, then wake up in that case too. My NM withheld her whole life about everything except telling me to clean or criticizing.

18. Watch out for love-bombers. Many will come on fast, and compliment you and tell you how wonderful you are. Good friends will compliment you too, but in their cases it lasts. Many a narcissist and sociopath set up is done with extreme love bombing. False churches and cults use love bombing to get people in the door.

19. Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me when other people are there?" If they disrespect you or avoid you in front of other people be careful. This is a red flag I ignored YEARS ago with one ex-friend. She almost seemed to act like she did not know me in crowded public rooms. If a friend betrays you in mixed company online or in real life this is another red flag that something is not right. If they make jokes about you in front of other people, get away from them.

20. Do they enjoy things? People who never enjoy anything or have no hobbies, that is something to watch out for. Life as a cold austerity plan sucks. Some of those types only care about work and competition.

21. Will they eat your food? If the answer is No, be careful. They be a narcissistic  someone of an upper class who sees you as riff-raff for having a less then new kitchen.

22. Do they tell you constantly what to feel or to say or do or not do? Then you are dealing with a controller. Of course all friends offer advice, but here, be careful of those who tell you what to do all the time. When that starts, they are already not satisfied, and can't be.

23. Do they tell you to deny reality or preach the positivity gospel at any cost? Do they tell you that a miracle is always one prayer away or all your problems will be solved if you just have enough faith? Run. They will damage your relationship with God selling you false Disney land narcissistic dreams.

24. Are they so much into sports nothing else exists? If someone loves the Cubs or goes to see the Yankees that's great, but sports obsession is something else.

25. Do they constantly criticize others?  Run there too.

26. Are they a workaholic always putting work and aspirations first and foremost? If you visit someone and the visit from out of town was planned for weeks, and they spend nearly hour working on a work project instead of focusing on your visit, then that is time to wake up too.

27. Do they only call when they need something and otherwise ignore you.

28. Are they mean to wait staff?  If they argue with waitresses like my Dad did because there is one too few ice-cubes in their drink I am gone.

29. Do they growl at children and kick dogs? I don't have animals but people who are mean to animals, run! Do they have road rage? Every male narc in my family had such intense road rage, steam would come out of their ears. Do they drive like a bat out of hell and like every other driver is in their way?

30. Do they seem to revel in the misfortunes of others, glorying in Betty's cancer, or Charlie's bankruptcy? If the whole attitude is , "Oh boy" instead of "Poor Betty or Charlie". Watch out.

31. Do they hate poor people? Do they practice social Darwinism believing that poor and old people should go die in the gutter?

32. Do they respect you? If they do not or you even suspect there is no respect. Pay attention!

No one is perfect including me, but I am developing a list in my head of WHAT to avoid and red flags to avoid in would-be predators. Maybe you can add to this list too.

So Sick of the Fakes

I'm so sick of the fakes I want to throw up. It seems harder and harder to find real and honest people.  One thing about the narcissists is many of them are two-faced wolves in sheep's clothing. They will act nice to your face or send you fake cards that have messages like "We miss you" while never addressing the problems that led you to depart from them in the first place.

 I don't want to sound like that Salinger hero who goes on and on about the phonies, since he was a sociopath himself, but a lot of people out there are fake. It has made society fake. Our society is built on lies, and the snow shoveling has only gotten more frenzied and the piles of cow patties deeper. People don't want the truth or their illusions shattered. This society is getting the narcissist sociopathic politicians it deserves. As an Aspie, the fakeness bothers me more. So much just seems to be so much play-acting. Everyone trying to sell a line. If you are a person that cares about truth, most of the fakes just go silent around you and become even more secretive. Maybe they find their lies too hard to keep straight and track of around a detailed-oriented Aspie.

 Sometimes when a fake is in my midst, I ask later, "How could I have been so blind?". In every case though, I knew something was wrong and felt off. Some go through their lives like actors and actresses, everything about manipulating circumstances to serve their needs. It can be devastating when the veil is ripped off a new fake, such as the fake friend who wasted 4 years of my life. The real people are out there, but we need to be careful of the phonies.

When Fair-Weather Friends Add to your Stress

Lady with a Truck

"People who tell you stuff “for your own good” and only “because they care” when they have never experienced anything even close to what you are going through, are not being a good friend they are being critical, holier than thou, superior, and like to make you feel bad about yourself. IF they were really concerned they would be one of the handful of friends who come to this site trying to get information in order to understand and help their friend. THAT is a true friend. Someone willing to put in the effort to learn so they can truly help and not do more damage. If someone doesn’t want to do the research to find out how to help you they don’t really want to help. 

They think they should help, they want to look like they care, but they really don’t want to have put themselves out to do it. “So get on with life already, because I don’t have time to be a true friend and you are making me look like a bad friend.” “In order to avoid looking like a bad friend I will blame you for not healing fast enough and maybe that will force you to put a damn smile on your face and stop making me feel inadequate as a friend”. 

 This quote seemed to sum up what happened to me in the friendship that went bad. Thank God I have real friends who have stuck by me, but as I warned in the Project Friends article.  No one is your real friend who thinks you must be fixed to be acceptable. Us chronically ill people face this often, I have disabled friends who have talked of the same thing happening to them. I'm done with critical people who think they are superior to me.

Project "Friends"

I don't want any more project "friends". In fact I am going to be careful to avoid people who want to turn me into a project or want to "fix me". I can befriend people fast online and have found various friend soulmates via the internet. It seems like the Internet is my mecca of friendship and social connection while the real world, it just seems harder.

One thing I noticed that happened to me is I seemed to hook up with all these people who wanted to FIX ME.

Disabled people are very prone to project "friends". Legions of church ladies will go befriend the disabled lady to prove their holiness to their congregation. Some will be seeking bennies for heaven, in being your friend. They can fool you smiling at you, and you think there is mutual like and sharing of the minds there. You even make them laugh but watch out, inside they are horrified by you. Think of the Movie, "My Fair Lady", but with two females instead, they want to whip you into shape.  Changing your speech patterns, social personality and more. Often they will direct you to some volunteer projects and will insist on you "improving" yourself. They will tell you things like "Let's not talk about that now!" or "Lets be more positive now!"

If anyone wants to fix me, goodbye. I'm done with it. This doesn't mean not trying to progress but I am tired of being tested and given hoops and endless goal posts that are always moving from other people. I am tired of being told that it's my fault spiritually or that I am a bad person or I have to do this and that to be deemed worthy of existence. Is this something my ACON upbringing gave me? Falling into this pit of dealing with these people who put me in this position. I don't think many people would put up with it.

I am tired of being judged for my feelings. Some of these people have had completely different lives from my own where they had good health and close families who were always there for them. I don't expect everyone to "get it" but it seems a few of these church going types could dig into their cold hearts for a little bit of compassion.  They do not know what it is like to be running away from someone coming at them with a knife or what it is like to dig food out of a trashcan. If you think I'm a freak, next time just walk away, don't waste my time.

I am tired of being judged for my health. So your body works and you don't have severe obesity and can eat food and don't look like a melting candle from the waist down. Maybe I should have showed the projects how I really felt, and laid in bed crying and groaning from all the pain I was really in. My stiff upper lip stuff failed. They don't think you are brave, they are embarrassed by you and consider you a lesser being.

Next time I feel like I have to walk on eggshells or censor myself around someone, I may as well not waste my time. If someone tries to control my speech, and tell me what to talk about or tell me my feelings are wrong or too extreme, or if my problems are "too great" for their self help group and my pain embarrasses them, I should just walk out and slam the door. Otherwise I will be pouring energy into an already doomed relationship.

This may be partially my fault, as I have so many problems and a life that seems spiraling out of control and a body from Hades itself so maybe I present myself in a way that draws these people out of the woodwork. Some may have good intentions even from the start but they really hurt people like me. It is just another person telling me I am "bad", "wrong" and "not measuring" up.

I may present myself with too much pity and pathos. It's probably my fault. Stir together Aspergers, bad health problems and an INFP personality too, and well, I'm too sensitive for this world. This means keeping more of my problems to myself as the new answer.

Many of these types will fool you easily. They can appear to have empathy and to "care" even with all the volunteer and other projects they take on and even "help" they do. But it seems when push comes to shove and you are crying and upset, that empathy vaporizes like a fart in the wind. If you make the "error" of refuting them or standing up for yourself, they discard and devalue pretty quick.

Sadly you find out their lack of respect for you eventually and it usually has to do with how they treat you regarding other people. Just like our narcissistic mothers threw us scapegoats overboard for everyone from the milk man to a cousin, the same likewise will apply to "project friends". They won't stand up for you even if someone insults you to your face several times with your husband witnessing it and telling them because you are a lower social status. Sometimes they claim they stood up for you but will be pissed off and resentful about it.  They won't have your back. They will go running to talk to someone else even if you are mid-sentence with them.

I guess I can die of boredom behind a fake smile. Of course when I try to fake it, it never worked either. Sometimes you will think there is even mutual sharing of challenges, and that you are balancing things out nicely but supposed they can vent while you are always a complainer. My life seems to have been one of sinking into the wallpaper and/or opening my mouth and pissing everyone off. Now that I am old, hopefully the "Fix-It" and "Improve-It" Queens will find a younger victim. I'd rather be a friend to someone eating out of a trashcan and living in the park rather then another woman who will tsk her tongue at my bad housekeeping or get angry at me for having feelings or who will tell me I need to do this and that to be a "worthwhile" person.

American society and me don't go together well. I'm a crappy stoic. I smile but the sadness still comes through in the eyes. I'm bad at hiding depression or anger. I would flunk salesman school and charm school. Maybe some think they can solve my problems of no money and health from the gates of hell. If I can't fix then how can you? I have failed to solve them and I'm tired. I just want to live in peace and be left alone now.

I had this one friend who was one of these types in my old rural town, and I feel like I repeated the same scenario with the latest friend. This friend was older, very religious in a mainstream church and had 4 children. I met this one when I was still in the Catholic church. I would go eat at her house and even befriended her children. We got along pretty well, but then things got kind of weird. She started the "project" stuff.

She wanted to get me another friend saying that this woman who was in and out of the mental hospital every week and who had made several suicide attempts in a row, would be my new perfect friend. Now I am open to everyone even people with severe mental problems, but it really worried me in that she saw this very troubled person as my peer instead of herself. I was not in the psych ward, I was a newly disabled ex-residential counselor. The whole thing bothered me inside. I was noticing then she was befriending OTHER disabled and very troubled people! A pattern was being set. She also was going through these disabled and troubled people like toilet paper. I was one in a long line. One thing these project friend types will do is seek out troubled people. They can forget their problems while attempting to fix theirs. Some of the more toxic ones will feel superior and better about themselves to have a more "screwed up" person next to them. Sadly our society is so competitive and narcissistic, these things shouldn't even be occurring to people but they do!

I still remember the day she came to my house with 8 boxes. Back then I was a more eager to please personality and she said, "Hey I have something for you! It's a bunch of craft supplies!" I thought "Oh boy!", and took the boxes. It would be a metaphor for the friendship as the boxes were full of scraps and trash, tin cookie cans, ripped up old ribbons, bits of yarn and twisted wires. I ended up throwing away the whole lot except for some old buttons and pieces of pins and beads, I used for a community art project later on. She was moving the very next day and hadn't told me. So much for it being a close friendship. She would later tell a friend she had unfriended me for leaving the Catholic church I don't know, but this was my first run in with a "project friend" or someone who felt they were superior to me. I can't say she was a totally bad person but she was working her way to heaven using me. She rescued me from an ice storm. She helped me with church groups. Was she really a friend? Not really.

Endless Criticism Destroys Relationships

                                 [picture source]
                             

Endless criticism destroys marriages, it destroys people. Any one who has either been in a relationship with someone who did nothing but criticize knows what it does to you. It rips you apart. It destroys your spontaneity, it means you are walking on eggshells and always afraid of doing something "wrong"." I am not sure why some people think it is good to reign as judge and jury over other people but sadly it is something I have encountered.

Everyone judges to an extent, we even have to judge people and situations as safe and even criticism can have a place to deal with problems, but there is a point where it gets excessive and becomes a battering ram upon the souls of other people and one is criticized for many things even beyond their control.

What if you feel like nothing you do is right? What if you feel you just can't make anyone happy?
What if people just don't believe you and you are telling the truth? What if you can tell they decided you were a social embarrassment and liability?  My mistake was questioning someone at a group who did not like me. 

One person wiped away an entire social circle. Another believed someone else who didn't like me. Endless criticism destroys relationships.

I have suffered enough losses. Some would say this person probably never was your friend to allow the opinions of others to influence them. I knew the end was beginning when they said to me, "Sometimes it is hard to be your friend, because you are so overweight, others give me problems for it." All sorts of feelings were triggered in me. Will I ever be enough? I have lost almost 40lbs recently too. Inside this felt like a sock to the gut. They knew about my stage IV lipedema diagnosis.  Can people understand the pain of being extremely overweight? Our social status is so low that even supposed friends will turn on us under pressure from others. The pain of this was intense. I told her. I received no empathy.

I made the giant social mistake of telling a couple local people about this blog. ACONs are not understood by the general populace even ones you think are close friends. Please never make my mistake, only tell the closest best friends and even then be careful.

Many of us ACONs were barraged with endless criticism. I grew up being told that everything was wrong with me, I was told I smelled, was too fat, too messy, so forth and so on.  Enough is detailed  here. Sometimes I am unsure how to undo the damage when the world backs up what was said to to me.  The other day someone I thought cared about and liked me decided to criticize me severely. I cared about her deeply too but this was getting worse and worse and hit a high mark. I no longer felt accepted and when acceptance goes out the window then many people just get nervous. It was like she had a list and was reading it off.  I had visions of my mother sitting by her side, as she decided to shred me to bits during our last visit. Talk about being triggered! This friendship predates my going no contact by a few years.

The other day I had this friendship end, because I stood up against criticism. Big mistake? Or lesson learned? I don't have friends to spare in town. Would you be upset if someone decided to rip into you one day and tell you that everything you do is wrong? Would you say something about it? Or would you sit there and take it and then conduct business as usual? There was part of me that thought, "Keep your mouth shut, otherwise you will lose the "friendship". But then another part, the "recovery", "fivehundredpoundpeep" 'stand against abuse' me, said to hell with that! 

I know I am not a perfect person. I weigh 508lbs and weighed 543lbs just a few months ago. I am struggling with some serious sadness upon the decline of my health. Lipedema is a progressive disease. I was faking it to make it so long I lost touch with my own body. People never realized how much pain I was hiding to do anything. People didn't know I was collapsing into bed after doing things. People outside of this blog didn't know or understand how I have been struggling with the loss of the family, the same as if one's whole family went down in a jet airliner but worse because I was rejected and abandoned long ago. One thing I am tired of everyone telling me how to feel. They judge me for feeling the "wrong feelings". I couldn't get a lobotomy to please them all! I am sorry I was slow in "moving on", or "fixing my life" but I was actually trying my best no matter what they think.

In fact my progress is showing, and that I no longer want to take endless criticism. That's progress. I'm done with the measuring up game and people pleasing. It shows now doesn't it? The me of yesterday sadly would have probably sat there and taken the endless criticism and cried and said, "I'll try harder!" and nothing would have been good enough anyway. After all this is what I was trained to do.

I was told by this friend during the criticism-a-thon that ended our friendship that I was "unforgiving" to cut my entire family off. Didn't I write on here, they cut me off before? That no one would visit me, and I hadn't seen many of them for years and it didn't matter? I wrote about trying to fix the relationships. How could any person read about the abuses here and think I should sit around and get few more blows?

My household has struggled for so many years, struggle is the default setting, but why does everyone have to pile on and tell me I am a piece of crap? What am I supposed to do about it? I don't even know HOW to do what they want me to do and/or I lack the resources to get things done.

First of all I was not believed even when my husband was backing me up saying he witnessed it too, that someone in the self help group constantly put me down to my face. This friend actually called me "paranoid", even when my husband said, he witnessed these events directly to her. She said this over and over and I felt gaslighted. I got the full brunt of a smear campaign, and it rippled out. Later I would be scapegoated in an email for scaring new people away from the group even though I was gone all winter and only attending one-two times a month instead of every week. People started believing these things. My sins? I questioned the scheduling of the group one time. I got sarcastic once as a brag fest reached a zenith but then listening to people mock people on welfare wasn't too fun when it happened twice.

This friend told me I was selfish, and that I defined myself by my disabilities. What is that even supposed to mean? She doesn't realize I hid a lot of sickness she never knew about. How does one define themselves by their disabilities? Was this projection in that she was telling me she saw me through them? Am I supposed to pretend they never existed? Is the brainwashing for us to be so brave, we are to act like we live in healthy normal bodies? I may write about this later, but there is pressure on us disabled people to always be overcompensating and some still won't be happy.

  Her constant Republican litany about how social security was a "slave system" hurt my feelings but it was something I overlooked for a long time because I avoid political litmus tests for friends. I will admit when someone is really really sick, you can be selfish at times to survive but I still don't know what I did to her if anything in that realm. I thought I was a good friend.

Add to this the failures to "progress", the odd dichotomy that she was allowed to vent, but I was a "complainer" and "she didn't want to hear about it" and "I lived in the past" and "did not move forward". At one point she even asked my husband who defended me in return"How do you deal with Peep?" like I was the most horrible person on earth and she was trying to get him on put me down team. What is ironic to me, is people can tell me their problems and I am okay with this. I consider it part of friendship but why can they vent and I can't? I remember laughing at jokes during our last two visits and doing some cards, maybe my memory is faulty.  What does that even mean? Here too you wonder how many simply don't accept you and befriend you hoping to fix you and looking to the person you will supposedly be in the future instead of today?

I felt not listened to and judged harshly. I answered back to a few of her charges but I then wrote her an email, telling her that it was wrong to criticize me so much. "Why did you rip into me that day?" I even wondered and told her maybe you had a bad day or were worried about some problems but made it a clear boundary that deciding to rip me to shreds was not going to be tolerated. I told her that her standards for people are too high and I am not measuring up to them and not interested in trying to and that I didn't want to be a project. I wrote: "This has taught me a lesson that I need to lay down a new boundary, that people have to accept me as I am presently, warts and all, or just walk on. I can't be hurt anymore being told I am "not good enough" or must "change" to be acceptable."

Once someone is walking on eggshells and worried about what they will say or not say a relationship is already going down the chute. If you can't freely share or have to test everything you say by if it is an "acceptable" topic or not, it means spontaneous sharing is over with. Once someone is telling you what to talk about it. It is a bad deal.  I know now if I feel that way something is wrong. For some months, I was censoring myself around her, knowing that certain topics upset her. Obviously I was not censoring myself here, so that may have created problems too. Losing one's voice is not a good thing.

It is also by my own experiences a bad idea for friends to be in self-help groups together. There is too much boundary crossing as you talk about personal problems. I did make some mistakes in the friendship of that I have no doubt. We may have been even just too different. But I find myself asking why all the criticism? Why all the impetus to "fix" someone? Why all the non-acceptance? Why all the focus on social appearances?

Endless criticism can destroy a friendship. I however have changed, I don't want people around me who want me to measure up and who tell me in endless ways how I am lacking. I don't want someone's love of me based on my "achievement". I had my fill of criticism for a life time. This doesn't mean I think I am perfect or finished but it means refusing the walking on eggshells. 

Culturally I moved to a very reserved and affluent community and it's a "bad fit" in every sense of that phrase. I'm under pressures most don't understand. I made my mistakes, but I think to myself as I sat there, getting reamed out...."Aren't I a person too?" "If I am not valuable to you it's time to walk away". I fear the loneliness but what other choice was there? Why don't these people realize the more you rip people down the more you hurt them? Who wants to live with the judge and jury always ready to do a crack down? I don't.

Judge

Something I Blurted Out the Other Day

This may be bad, but I have told a few people simply, "I do not have a family", when they have asked about my family. I know it kind of implies they are all dead. Hopefully God will not see this as a sin but I really do not have a family in the way that it counts. It is easier to tell people this rather then get into long explanations about how my mother is a sociopath and turned every member against me. Some church members I told them I am estranged due to religious differences.

It is easier for me to just let people think that my family is all deceased. That can happen if someone is old enough and if there were no siblings, and people age and die. When one is without a family, they realize how family is such an important part of people's lives, where even the unmarried and childless who are aged, will still have nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles and parents who still go to dinners with them and visit them. One friend told me, "You really never had a family." and they are correct.