Tuesday, July 13, 2021



It's Too Much.......


This is the story of my life lately; outside of husband and a few friends online.  I have to live life, and try to get by the best I can, but it's scary when you have to be cautious of so much that is in your brain that you cannot share with others. The book 1984 warned us of these times to come and they are here now.  Some may talk of being "authentic" but then they are people who "fit in" and "have a place". Their opinions will not bring them censure and abuse. 

I have a date in mind of just rejoining life and no longer caring about Covid. The isolation is harming me. Maybe I am a lucky asymptomatic, sometimes think I am because I've gone in multitudes of stores and masks don't do THAT much, though I believe they help.  It seems I'd be long ago dead according to the rhetoric out there being too tired to wash delivery boxes and needing time outside. There was one day in February of 2020, I felt like I was going to die that day with a fever and went to bed to "fight off" whatever it was and succeeded. Now, maybe it was a leg infection to come or a UCTD flare or maybe it was Covid and I am immune.

I've told a few about the v and that I can't sign up for medical reasons which is true, but there's so much in my brain, I can't share with people. It does get lonely. I didn't fit in fundamentalist Christian circles, and that was painful, after all the spiritual abuse and more. Leaving was necessary. Going back in that cage just sounds like hell to me. I need a nicer God not one that threatens me with hell and endless disasters. The cognitive dissonance was too extreme. 

Whatever my religious standing is right now, God/Source has told me not to partake of the v. My spiritual beliefs even along David Quinn's highway [read the book Ishmael] tell me not to submit to the "dominators" and "controllers" who want to turn human beings into chattel and build a technocracy and digital prison. Even with my beliefs about Jesus and others who came to give spiritual teachings to humanity, succumbing to the forces of darkness is not on my game plan. It's not my job to figure things out for others, but these are my beliefs. I know there are people who are going to have it forced on them. I've seen kids posting on line saying that pretty much. I hope people who took the early vs, maybe question the boosters to come and the constant carousel and jump off of it. 

What am I to think now, that in the "liberal" circles I built up in my community that, I am curled up like a ball inside? This means sticking to safe topics and happy things, and well it's good to talk about gardening and art but I am too scared to share anything too deep. They believe in the system and their lives have gone in ways where the system was never their enemy or tried to harm them, though I believe that may change now with the v side effects and growing totalitarianism.  

I have to accept I can't control everything and have to find some happiness again. There's too much weirdness out there, I know society is being gaslighted to the max. No one sees what I do except 4 friends in the entire world, and none of them live anywhere near me.

 I always wondered about the guy who thought Hitler was an asshole, while all his friends ran out doing Seig Heils and ironing their new brown uniforms, yeah that's my life today, alone among those who believe in all this. Who think Big Pharm is their friends, and that the powerful have only our best interests in mind. The place I live here is akin to Bavaria of the 1930s. Hitler used fear then too, of the Communists, of the economic pressures to bring in his "false answers". People are afraid now, they don't want to die of Covid. The human fear response is one they can mess with to the max. No one wants to die.

I tried to talk things out, and kept it subtle and away from "in your face" tactics, but that was too much. here are some of the responses I got back, reworded...and paraphrased. I know now this is "pearls before you know what" land. It's the same as trying to convince my family to be nice people, wasted effort......

I wrote:

"I plan to try and get a life back again, though it seems they did everything they could to ruin it. They want us living like the book 1984."

a response I got:
"I don't believe that anyone is trying to ruin our lives."

Another friend on Facebook wrote that her college made the covid vs optional and wrote that she was disgusted that her higher ed institution is appeasing the stupids of the community.  She doesn't know my stance on things. Obviously she would consider me one of the "stupids".

Here are some others:

"OMG, you are all brain washed and a bunch of conspiracy theorists"

A few friends call for more lock downs. [How come two years isn't long enough?]

Some openly call for discrimination against the un-v-ed...."I don't want a nurse without it, I don't want a cleaner with out it. You better have your v, if you are going to come clean my house"....etc.

 Two groups have banned the un-v-ed. Two others require us to wear masks, which I have no problem doing, and would have probably done anyway but imagine being in a room full of happy talking people sharing meals with each other, while you are banished in the back with a mask unable to eat with them or be seen. How long will that last? At least one group is allowing hybrid Zoom for now. The separation is here.

Then there are the social things that crop up. I take a ride with a friend to one group, I told him I am unvaxxed to be fair to him. I didn't want the anger if he found out I wasn't and a mutual acquaintance knows. He asked me to wear a mask, and I will, but that feels weird too. How long will I be required to "mask up"? I have a month to decide whether to go or not, but already feel weird about it. I am not even sure if I am ready to be in groups of people yet, and have my own fears to conquer. 

I have already been called a "conspiracy theorist"--well the conspiracies are true, and called an "anti-vaxxer"--they don't care if you took all the traditional vs or not. You know that's the irony here, if these were traditional vaccines, that were safe, tested, and not based on extreme tech, interfering with cells, I would have considered it. Also there's that matter they don't work well at all. Why should the un-v-ed be feared by those who took it? In the old days, vs actually WORKED, and immunized people. 

This feels like autistic masking on steroids, hide your opinions to stay safe and so people don't hate you. Hmm been down that road before. I got in trouble often even in my old Christian circles asking too many questions, and to have it happen in what I thought in my new circles, is painful. Don't tell me to go a "red" state to be around other un-v-ed people. It would bring it's own troubles and misery, and obviously given my background in the Christian fundamentalist world, I was already "there".  It hasn't escaped my attention, it's the poors who trust the system far less than the middle class and upper class and above types running to get their shots. I suppose if you haven't been on the punishment end of the system, you see it as far more benevolent and not out to hurt you. Why should the so called "deplorables" trust the elite, who never valued their lives in the first place?

I wish I could tell one group, this Covid stuff is crap and I am not interested in technocratic slavery and while I am willing to wear a mask due to my bad lungs anyway, being told I have to for being an "unclean" un-"v"ed person person and thusly being singled out, that is affecting me negatively. The first day I show up everyone would know I did not take the poison. I feel in "danger" just having four-five know.  They are nice people and mean well, but wish I could wake them all up to what's going on.

And now Biden wants to send people to un-v-ed people's doors, to make the lists for the round ups for the Fema camps? Remember no medical exemptions allowed, my family has a massive history of severe autoimmune disease including pericarditis [myocarditis], polyarteritis nodosa, and Kawaski disease. I have had massive signs of vasculitis  too, and have rare autoimmune diseases people have never even heard of--Dermatomyositis but I'm supposed to follow no questions asked and now I have to put up with people pounding on my door to put on the pressure? By the way 4 of these diseases were listed on the FDA list of side effects from the Covid vs.

 Maybe now they will use bribery and lottos--my own state is running a V Lotto but then will come coercion and force. I've read enough history to know how this goes. 

Don't think a fake v card will save you either, it's illegal punishable by law, and the states have data-bases.

For my readers here, who know my history ask yourself how this is affecting a person with my life history, and ponder that one a bit. Some may say just suck it up and conform, but oh, you all don't realize what is formed in the crucible of what I came out of.  You either die or you survive and if you survive, you are not like other people prone to the pressures of "peer pressure". I know from my life history that no one will pick up the pieces either if it goes "wrong". One more medical problem could send me to life in a nursing home. I barely am making it now, and in bed today from pain and swelling.

and speaking of danger....... those of us on the "outskirts", are openly speaking of these being "dangerous" times among each other. Some people are hiding it all to get by, hoping they will remain unfound. I understand. Telling 4-5 I told too many. If I had decent health and could have taken the risk to just live life without the masks, things would have been easier for me. Now I am getting nosy comments FOR WEARING THE MASK.

I know even speaking out against this bs here, and on twitter under a fake name, has risk to it.  Some may say speak out in your life, but my life is already very isolated outside of my husband, I can't make enemies with everyone. Some of the people who believe in all this, I care about them and they have been kind to me, and don't want to change that. There's a point where I said to myself, you have your choices to make, and they have theirs, and just antagonizing people will leave you even more isolated and screwed up. I have lost so many friends over politics, over religion, over so much, that I am tired. While I talk about my opinions here, and wish there were people in my life outside of my husband and online friends I could really talk to, it's not my reality for whatever reason.

It's a very lonely place to be. I do ask myself what is wrong with me, that I ended up in a life where there's so few people in it, that I can have a honest conversation with. That worries me a lot too. I have my husband, but they are unloading the constant peer pressure too. We can't even walk down the street, I still wear the mask because of my bad lungs, without having someone ask didn't you get your v yet? 

I still don't get why people don't see something wrong with all of this?