Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Covid Dissent and Angst


I got banned from a local Covid-dissenters group on Facebook for being a would-be "mole" because in a small town I am a known liberal [now ultra-disaffected].  There was never any fight or argument with anyone. This probably has to do with liberal organizations I belong to and my past as a public Trump protester. With the Covid dissenters board, I am on their mailing list but not allowed on their FB group.  I know people have to be careful out there but it rankles me. Am I going to have to pass some "good conservative" test to be allowed in those circles? My reputation as a "bad liberal" which is building has already affected my life too. Some of us do truly fall in the middle of the divisiveness. 

 The other day I had husband drive me by their protest to see if it is something I would want to join. They definitely have prioritized their kids which makes sense too, but I do think there needs to be some speaking out against what is happening with these vaxxes. I don't have a dog in the unmask the kids hunt, though I think the kids should not be forced to wear them anymore. I got a headache the other day wearing a mask for 2 hours while grocery shopping and one knows the kids are physically suffering wearing them for 8. Socially and otherwise they are being adversely affected.

 My husband was worried about me joining in the protest, because they were all unmasked. That's what makes this so confusing, I do believe there is a real virus out there killing "some" people or messing them up. I know people personally who got "long covid" before the vaxxes made anyone ill. So there's a lot of right wing people I don't agree with on that specific point, who feel free to throw the masks away and who have strong hale hearty health who can take risks I can't.  If I was 30 years old and thin, I may still avoid crowds, but would I be this cautious? Probably not. I agree with them there is a point one has to live their life, but I am "vulnerable" in ways that are ultra complicated. 

Some do really believe it is a complete hoax. Some don't.  I think the PCR books were cooked, but do not believe it is a hoax, just that the numbers were increased. Some people did catch something that made them sick and in some cases killed them especially if they were elderly. 

Those claiming to enforce these Covid rules for us vulnerable people, are wrong. I am "vulnerable" and my life has been made more dangerous. They did not make us any more safer. In a world where the economy collapses, I won't be able to get medicine. They have made my life far more dangerous and fragile. The cartoon above sums up what is happening to society, people being split between vaxxed and unvaxxed, totalitarianism is growing, and endless rules and others are harming people. I told a few vaxxed friends that firing people over not taking an experimental vaxx is wrong. 

People lives have been destroyed and their mental health is too and none of these monsters care. My history of PTSD/CPTSD is reeling up beyond belief. Think I can go run to a Covid disciple counselor? Think again. Probably all the independent thinkers have been thrown out of the counseling office for not lining up.  It will be someone else to betray me and tell me to comply or else. They would tell me I have renounced "the science" and not realize I am listening to scientists and doctors who have been silenced.

 I am married, so have him with me all day but what about the people they forced into extreme isolation for two years? You think they are still normal not on the verge of cracking up? What about the fact that due to Biden's mandates, the only people left in corporation jobs, big companies, health care are all going to be conformists? All the independent minded people are going to be removed from society.

  I worry about the masks being a "sign of submission too" but considering I've walked around stores and lived in a crowded apartment building for the last two years, maybe KN95 did help some. I have no way to know.  Unless I am immune from my weird body or having had Covid before without knowing it, who knows?  There was one day in late Feb 2020, I spiked a fever and went to my bed feeling like I was going to die unless I fought it off. I did. Woke up without a fever.  Was it a leg infection or something else? Some of my latest efforts is taking a lot of vit C and zinc, I've read it can help keep Covid at bay, it can't hurt. Oddly the zinc seems to have made me feel a little better. 

  My risks are different then the majority of people. One lesson I've learned in this life is to self-protection. So it's weird, I'm not happy with the Leftists marching us into technocratic hell but I am not comfortable in a way where it's hard to know where I belong.  Many of us have to make our decisions on what information is available to us. So I am in the strange place, of hating the Covid lock-downs, thinking the vaxxes are horrible and against the tyranny but on the other hand still wearing a mask just in case. 

I belong to another FB group that is scary to me. It's the leftist group, that is supposed to be a Covid support group. I joined it in the early days of all this. They really hate the unvaxxed. They cheer for people's jobs to be taken away. They want totalitarianism and a dictatorship. They dismiss and invalidate everyone who has had side effects from the Covid vaxxes. The place really has become vicious. I don't post there anymore but watch it like a car wreck. They would round up all the unvaxxed in a heartbeat. It's easy to see how the Nazis took over now.  They don't care if people are made homeless. They love big corporations, power and crack-downs. These people scare me.

In life, there's some allies but I find myself trying to reach out to people who even though they may have gotten vaxxed, I want to see if they are asking questions. Some are. If one can make their stand and not fall into the trap of division, that's all of the better. I've been honest with some friends, about how I believe but with some, they disagree with me and vice versa but the friendships have continued.

Some of the vaxxed are worried that society didn't open up and that the vaxxes haven't "worked" like they thought and now they seem to be wanting to sign up for the booster installment plan. Others have gotten hit hard from serious medical effects from the vaxxes and don't want to take anymore risks. Some are questioning things politically and economically. Some regret it. I hope some can wake up and start standing up along with the unvaxxed too.  It is wrong for millions of people to lose their jobs for not wanting it. It is wrong. That's a medical dictatorship where they tell you to go starve and you can't feed your kids for refusing to sign up for something that is experimental and can hurt your health. 

I also think once they push the vaxx on kids and little 5 year olds start dying of myocarditis or Multi-system Inflammation syndrome, that this will be a wake up call especially since most of these kids were in no danger from Covid in the first place. Any society that sacrifices the young for the old has lost it's moorings long ago. This is a point that sickens me, the ruined lives to come, and it is something I wish I could do more about.  I was unable to wake up any parents I know. 

However there's still the people who do see the "unvaxxed" as the great unwashed. These are the people who are ready to shun me upon the most mild of statements.   They are avid about these beliefs. They shut you down over the most mild statements. Tell them about Fauci's support of horrific animal experiments and malfeasance with AIDS, they won't listen. They shut you out. There once you know there will be no engagement, it's better to walk away, but it's scary to see people take these hard-nosed positions.

They are afraid, and angry and want to see people like me thrown in the Fema camps. Trust me they don't care about someone who has a massive history of pericarditis/arteritist in the family who already had signs of vasculitis before with multiple autoimmune disorders. They want you to shut up and line up. They believe Fauci, they support the masking and lock downs. It's hard. These people support evil. Some are truly ignorant, some are afraid, some don't have the same information available to them, some believe mainstream news sources and don't explore any further. Others don't know any better but some have chosen willful ignorance. Some have had lives where it makes sense why they trust in the system but this doesn't mean it will save them from betrayal too. 

 I noticed even as I wrote about the nearly empty Dollar Tree on my Facebook, no one seemed to care. It hurt my heart inside to have even long time trusted and loved friends tell me they supported all this evil that was destroying everyone's life. One told me she even supported people losing their jobs and I was in shock. With one, my long time respect for her, made me too weary to argue, there's times I just can't argue with everyone. I've lost so many friends, and have had some distance themselves from me. She supported all of this. It made me very sad.

One woman I am acquaintances with and came to visit me bringing me some flowers from her garden, grilled me about the vaxx and Aspie me faltered and said too much and she figured out I had refused it. She was not happy with me and said the unvaxxed are spreading it. I thought that was crazy because all the studies say, the vaxxed can carry it too. This is why I remark on the poor quality of the vaxxes all the time. It was better not to get into it with her.  While I am outspoken on line, in real life I have to be careful though I do post a few memes and articles on my Facebook wall. She was angry at me and even though I was wearing a KN95, she shrank away from me, like I was "diseased". That brought up weird emotions in me as she jumped back in horror. She then told me she had errands to run.  There's been too many hurtful conversations like that.  We belong to the same organization but I doubt she will ever talk to me again. Light shunning has already begun for me. Due to my history, being rejected like this is not easy. 

That said, if people reject me over this, so be it. It scares me how they have bought into all this and don't even see the outside effects of all the totalitarianism building. The vaxxes have already "failed". Society is not opening up and they have been put on an assembly line of constant shots every 6-8 months and remember the roulette wheel of even the short term side effects is always there.  There's scary things happening too.

In my own community I wrote about the Dollar Tree being almost empty but I've heard through the grapevine our local hospital is filling up with people who have severe even rare "never seen before" illnesses from the shots. Another thing I am noticing is endless people on Facebook who I know were vaxxed all getting extreme colds and other illnesses over and over. These colds don't seem like normal colds. Their immune systems don't seem to be working correctly. These are younger formerly healthy people too. Some of these people are avid maskers, so I asked how in the world are they getting so sick? I think ADE is already rolling which fills me with horrors and worries. There's many friends I care about who got the vaxx.

Sometimes I do wake up depressed because none of this seems to be ending....I wake up too often at 4 am and 5am staring in the bathroom mirror, asking what has become of my life. My depression is knocking back on the door. I like my apartment but there's times I want to sell everything off and start over somewhere new.  I want to move to a more working class and poor area where there are less Covid disciples, but husband is afraid of us losing medical resources here. Moving costs money we don't have. There's a feeling of being somewhere I just don't belong. I should have never left my old rural town. My old rural town has stood against the Covid nonsense except for the few liberals there. 

I've had a hard life by any measure, and having this happen in my old age is not easy. That's the thing that worries me none of it seems like it will end. What's the end run here? I don't want more people to become enemies with me. I made my own mistakes doing the Trump protesting losing too many friends then, to have more bad will created with people. 

My worry is the end will be when people really get sick from these vaxxes, and then suddenly maybe they will then have a "treatment" but then so much damage and loss will ensure, that those of us who are left may lose our minds alone watching everyone around us die and get sick. My own health is very poor, and this has felt like too much. I haven't posted on this recently but I've entered a health decline, that is scary. I was bordering lupus for a time. The rheumatologist says I am still stable, and wants me on Planequil, but I've refused over the dangers to vision and what it did to my father's eyes.  The rheumatologist understands because of my immense hearing loss, but that means living with pain and fatigue. My father told me never to go on it if I could help it. 

My deafness has increased to the point I am completely dependent on using a transcribe phone to understand people even if I am wearing my hearing aids. My chronic fatigue is very bad. My kidneys are in some type of stage of failure which needs clarified. I asked doctors about putting me in a clinic or hospital to take 100lbs off and some of my food intake has dropped due to fatigue, but all I have done is kept the weight stable. They just tell me it's not possible, keep up treatments at home, watch your portions, keep active etc.  I am aging rapidly, and being one of those people who always looked far more young then they were, it's come as a shock. 

 I know so many people who have gotten sick from the vaxxes. And now they want people to line up for booster after booster too where there will be a new roulette wheel to be spun of myocarditis, allergic reactions and other serious side effects. This nightmare seems to have no end, and the lies of the elite and their evil is bottomless.

Covid made some sick too but my fears are even greater there too. Our leaders are not to be trusted. I have walked on eggshells with just about everyone except a few friends who agree. I don't feel safe around people in general and this is not just Covid making me feel unsafe, but knowing what these people support is horrifying. Our leaders don't care about health. They want to vaxx the whole planet but they didn't care about millions facing starvation. It's all based on lies. Many of them support everyone who refuses the vaxx at having their medical care taken away. They support the firing of multitudes who have seen the results of the shots first hand who don't want to get it. So even if the health care system AND Economy collapse, they simply don't care. What's going to happen to all the jobless people? They won't be able pay their rent or mortgages or be able to feed their families.

 They want everyone to throw themselves on the Covid cult pyre and light a match to their immune system, small business and lives. How close am I to people I can't talk to? Are we really friends? Did I waste years of my life being in organizations or people who would betray everything I stand for? 

 I wonder about my future in my UU church, I spoke out and did the anti-technology speech. I felt scared you know, but felt led to do it. I did catch glimpses of angry faces in my audience via Zoom. Three allies came forth later and told me they liked it, but I knew it meant something when no one showed up to the circle talk later.  My UU is very pro-vaxx and supports all this. What am I to think? I told the pastor I do not support what is happening. I made it clear why. He is a fair minded man that allowed me a platform so that helps a lot. So far I am sticking it out with them hoping this nightmare will end, but it's not comfortable. 

Religiously I am in a strange place, it's confusing. It is so bad that on a deconversion board I am part of, some people told me I seem "insecure in my disbelief". I don't blame them at all and told them so.  All this has changed me. My religious beliefs are complicated now even to me. It means something to me too, that the things I used to warn about on conspiracy and bible prophecy boards seem to be happening. Revelation 13 especially stands out as they outlaw people buying groceries and more in Europe. I studied the Bible intensely for years. I even used to write about complex topics that included Bill Gates, depopulation, the United Nations, Agenda 21 and more. I wrote about the USA economy being collapsed by the elites. I wrote that the the powers that be planned to strip down modern life and change things massively by 2030. Well I guess you see where I am going with all this....

That said, I don't want to return back to the evangelical and fundamentalist worlds, those worlds that spiritually abused me, told me I was never good enough, and was nothing but a long litany of rules that supported authoritarianism.  They are just controlled by the elite as any liberals. My angry feelings about how they helped to readily spread the virus to kingdom come, are still there.

I never was a good fit there either. Even when I was full fundamentalist, I was anti-war, and anti-Dominionist. I didn't and still don't support the oppressive politics. I still can't return to the vision of a cruel God. I still question hell. I see "people of light" in various places which definitely kind of ruins me permanently for the fundamentalists.  They aren't too keen on someone who seeks truths in Native American or the Sikh religion. I still don't believe in blood sacrifices, while I honor the good teachings of Jesus. I am still a Universalist, so hopefully the UU won't feel inclined to force me out for being a "bad liberal". I wish more of them saw through this garbage beyond a few. It has been very disheartening to me. 

Politically I wasted my time and years. I saw a pile of protest posters the other day from when I used to protest Trump and mourned the time and effort that was wasted. The DNC has betrayed us beyond Trump doing this to our lives. I have lost two years I couldn't afford to lose. I had time with husband which was good, but the time lost and now people lost is unforgiveable.  Biden is worse than Trump. What grinds me down, is knowing my intuition told me not to vote for that man, but I still did. It was a lesson not to listen to the crowd. My belief in politics at all has been shaken to the core. I hate the DNC. I don't see these people as real "liberals" who support this evil. I get some are scared, less informed, and have lost people to Covid affecting their outlooks but when people support evil, and tyranny, it's disturbing.

One thing about all this is the overlaps with ACON stuff. The malignant narcissists and sociopaths are dividing people while issuing commands that make no sense. Narcissists don't care about logic. Their followers don't either. This is why they can make a vaxx that doesn't even work or stop the spread or even offer safety and make it acceptable to the masses who demand mandates of people when the vaxx doesn't even do the job they claim it does. This is classic narcissistic double-binds and bullshit making. Narcissists also claim authority they really don't have. They claim they have the facts and everyone else is liars. They hid the facts, lie and play cover up. This is now happening on a national scale. There is no way that any medicine, treatment or vaxx that had this many adverse effects would have been allowed prior to all this. That is the most disturbing thing about this most of all. 

Tuesday, October 19, 2021

Great Reset: The Economy is Being Crashed


Two days ago, I went to a Dollar Tree store, we have used for years. The shelves were mostly empty. It was extremely unsettling.  About 30 percent of the inventory was there. I bought shampoo, some scrubbing pads and a few other items. The condition of this store brought back visions of people lining up for things in Russia from the 1980s.

Years ago as I was deep into conspiracy, it was discussed on all conspiracy boards that the elite planned to crash the American economy one day. This was discussed in my previous fundamentalist Christian circles prior to deconversion, message boards and elsewhere. Even my IFB pastor said, the American economy would crash and burn, and people were not spiritually ready. Some other people talked of Peak Oil and America collapsing as well. Well looks like that day is here. I don't know what is wrong with the people I live around here. Deep denial? Brainwashing? I walk into a nearly empty store, post about it on my Facebook and very few care. The "think positive" ethos holds even in the face of complete collapse. It's the apocalypse and you have to smile. 

Their threat "you will own nothing" is very real. The planned for "Great Reset" is real too. They are destroying people's livelihoods, even middle class and above folks have lost endless small businesses. This town is triggering me as it's looking like a ghost town, this is just like what happened to my old small rural town in the mid to late 2000s. The only businesses surviving are a few take-outs and luxury places for the wealthy. 

As long time readers of this blog know, I experienced extreme poverty in my 20s. Those memories of digging in trash cans and having only one meal a day or less to eat are there. I know what it is like to wear near rags as clothing and need new clothing and be unable to have any.  People don't know what that is like and sadly many are going to be surprised. The worse days will come from the food shortages. We may not be able to get our cars fixed or have items to fix machinery. Our leaders are evil.

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Natural Life Vs. Machine Life


photograph by Peep

Here is a recent reading to my UU.  These are supposed to be 3-5 minutes long. The theme was pro-life not in the abortion battle sense, but in what honors and promotes life. While I don't confront on Covid or vaxxes, I do believe the Covid stuff is tied to an insidious agenda with technology.  Obviously in this speech I made it known I am not happy with the events of the last two years.   This one was stepping out on a limb a bit.

“This is my beat. The heat drenched empty sidewalks and all the millions of lonely electronic hotel rooms and cybernetic apartments. No one goes out any more. They all stay in their rooms pressing their buttons, staring at their terminals. I call it The Gulch. Silicon Gulch.”

The Kid from Silicon Gulch—Robert Calvert

What has happened to life? Does a fire burn inside you or has it been stamped out? Many are allied with anti-life agendas today. Pro-life is freedom, spontaneity and social connection. Pro-life is love, joy and play.  Pro-life is the freedom to explore and be and do. Prolife isn’t conformity and being locked in a box. Prolife is discovery and imperfection.  This long drawn out crisis seems to be locking some new prison doors, upon the soul. 

  Prolife is not locked down societies where all freedom and free speech is erased forever. Where people are “othered” and corporations rule. Very few are asking “Should we?” Sadly crises can be used by those with nefarious agendas, like Naomi Klein warned of in her book, “The Shock Doctrine” which warned about “Disaster Capitalism”.  We seem to have a class of technocratic educated elites who want to impose their will on the rest of society disenfranchising the disabled, the poor and people of color.  Very few are questioning the goals or life they seem to want for the rest of us. 

We have entered the era of the battle between natural life vs machine life. One thing to ask is which is more prolife? I say the former. We can use technology as a tool but we must not go to the place where it owns us or is used for oppression by the more powerful.    Some are not waking up to the incredible damage that things like digital IDs or having everything computer mandated will do to our lives. Some are not realizing the negative things technology can bring. It goes far beyond the kids being on the smart phones too much.

Jesus said, “He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.” Life is something that if you grab on too tight, and squeeze it down to nothing the essence will be lost  A human society run on fear and control, is one that is joining the forces of anti-life instead of prolife.

How many fascists have built cages in human history using human fear? George Orwell in his book 1984 warned of totalitarianism in all its forms. 

Society is going to a place, where it’s all about progress, but who is the progress for? The thinkers questioning the rapid march to technocratic dystopia have been sidelined. There is dehumanization in the march to commodify society. There is a loss to human soul where life becomes all about the measurements, the observation and not about living.  The severed connection from the spirit worsens. 

Who does it benefit? The “fourth industrial revolution”, is not conspiracy, it is discussed openly in Time magazine. Some may even see this as natural evolution or ‘good progress” but there’s dangers here, that work against the freedom of human life.

 Here there is too much power for a 1 percent that could be very abused. Look up things like block chains. Artificial intelligence works now via algorithms in many areas. Some focus on different forms of propaganda for whatever targeted demographic they are focused on.

There are too many who seem to want endless control of our lives.  Technology can be a servant, and has brought positive changes to our lives, I use a phone to transcribe speech due to my being hard of hearing, but what happens when there are desires to commodify human life itself? Human beings should not be turned into products too.  More of us should be asking, about some of the social engineering that has come to fruition in the last two years and how it is altering the use of technology. 

 The technocratic vision of life and their values are not my own. The desire to turn life into all polished metal surfaces “under surveillance and control” is stamping out the essence of life. Some take things so far, you’d think they want to pave over the whole earth. Human beings create tools but they also can be formed and changed by them. 

 I have an interest in the organic radical movement, there voices on the left though smaller in number like Allison McDowell and Charlene Spretnak who are questioning the view of mankind as simply another biological machine. There are naturalists, vegans, and others who are analyzing the natural vs. the machine life battle.

Artists have a different nature, we don’t want locked in a room with a computer ledger with life boiled down to nothing but rules and the numbers.

 I have no interest in joining the “Internet of bodies”. Where the human body becomes merchandise to track. They don't want any spontaneity, freedom, or natural life left. How do you feel about having human interactions mediated by corporations?  Some of us want lives beyond the computer screen. I am questioning my own life now in this regard.

Some may know about Singularity, and artificial intelligence. Do you want a digital boot stamping on your face forever? 

There were warnings at the dawn of the first industrial revolution, where people realize something was being lost.  These same themes ring true today but on a more advanced level. I’ve read the writings of John Ruskin, a Victorian social thinker. He raged against the machine back then and warned of the dehumanization that would come during the first industrial revolution. This warning would definitely apply today. 

Imperfection is in some sort essential to all that we know of life. It is the sign of life in a mortal body, that is to say, of a state of progress and change. Nothing that lives is, or can be, rigidly perfect; part of it is decaying, part nascent… And in all things that live there are certain irregularities and deficiencies which are not only signs of life, but sources of beauty. No human face is exactly the same in its lines on each side, no leaf perfect in its lobes, no branch in its symmetry. All admit irregularity as they imply change; and to banish imperfection is to destroy expression, to check exertion, to paralyze vitality. All things are literally better, lovelier, and more beloved for the imperfections which have been divinely appointed, that the law of human life may be Effort, and the law of human judgment, Mercy.

Will Power Dieting Isn't Going to Fix Tammy and It's Not Going to Fix Me Either.


{I posted this on a 1000lb sister message board: I sometimes post about my life and history comparing them to the two sisters on this show--I made other additions to this article}

I think they need to get to the core root of Tammy's food problems. There's major hyperphagia, excessive hunger. It can have physical causes.

I think Tammy's body is beyond the "you better have strong will" usual CICO dieting. It's doomed for failure. I "failed" on weight loss [lost 200 down from the peak] but even keeping that off takes sticking to food schedules, medicine--thyroid, compression therapy, I have bounced from mid 400s to low 500s for years. An anti androgen drug I was forced off of, years ago, helped me lose the original 250 down from 700. I lost around 20-30 this year off the baseline but obviously I am still very supersized. 

I was once 700. I eat health food, and cannot eat desserts, candy, juice, fast food, beef, potatoes, etc, many foods people take for granted and have half the meals vegetarian. In my case there's some serious metabolic crap going on, and I have Lipedema stage 4.

I still think Tammy has some physical problems not being addressed. One thing that is scary is there are no inpatient treatment for fat people. It's like you either do the weight loss surgery thing--not possible for everyone, or get shoved away into a backwater nursing home. This means having money of your own if you are disabled beyond 30 dollars a month and your entire household in the outer world gets shut down. I wanted to get put in a hospital or rehab to take more off around 10 years ago and got turned down, they literally told me, well you can still walk, cook a meal, etc, which is true, but a lot of things are affected very badly. I am in horrible pain today just from going into some stores and walking around more yesterday. I have swollen up, Lipedema is a nightmare in this way.

I don't think Tammy has Lipedema and does have obvious food addiction problems but believe something is causing the hyperphagia. I want to skip meals and lower calories even more, but even to maintain the diabetes, I get sick easily and now dealing with low blood sugars too often from being too tired to cook, distracted with art work, etc. I don't lose weight like other people.

My levels of hunger are higher than normal people's. A thin person can go all day with one meal. I feel like I will die if I miss any of the three. That's not normal. Her levels of hunger seem to be in the stratosphere. The amounts she eats are huge from what the show has shown.

She has something wrong. This isn't something will power dieting is going to solve. "Will power dieting" has failed for me. I would be dead without going more vegetarian--half diet--too anemic to do full, a strong interest in health food, and refusing all GMO, sugar, fast food etc. Some people have bodies that don't work right. Her solving her food addiction problems would help a lot. Maybe her metabolism and body aren't as messed up as mine but her body shows some major problems, with the way her forehead is shaped and more.

Amy has done far better with weight loss surgery and traditional dieting, she has some issues but I think they are far less severe than Tammy's. I show some genetic signs, and want some genetic tests. I am autistic, have multiple autoimmune diseases others never have even heard of, am deaf from one and even one ear is double the size of the other, so there's signs on me too. They should do more extensive testing on Tammy.

She  is WAY TOO ISOLATED. That alone will take someone to food if they are addicted. I deal with severe isolation but because I am married things are far worse for her. Covid really made this worse for me. Superfat people are rejected by their families and society. Some people may be friendly to you in groups etc. I formed my life around groups for social interactions, but it's far harder to find local friends to hang out with you. People simply DON'T when you are at these super-sizes. It makes sense, you are so large, you can't do things easily, you can't walk very far. I was fortunate to have so many activities I could do, in group settings prior to Covid. This included stamp club, art class, disability group, book clubs and activities with my UU church.

I had one local friend dump me because her family told her that they were embarrassed for her hanging out with me. I was on a lower end of my weight scale then, probably around 460 at that time but that was enough, she attacked my autism as well. So Tammy is stuck at home all day with no one to talk to. One also feels pain from rejection from a unloving family, Tammy is more cared about except by the Mom but you can tell they look down on her for being fat. She also is abusive to people herself which is a sad combination. It's horrible how she tells off the family all the time, a family that has stuck by her and tried to help her. She needs far more then their help though. My family was abusive and I went no contact. She is on a definite shame spiral. I thought about how happy she was with the trainer too. She simply blossomed in the attention. The shame spiral will destroy her. She is lashing out at others which is the worse way to go.

With Tammy she can't get in cars or buses or drive, so that adds to the isolation. I don't know if a car could be set up for her to drive, she's too big to fit in a seat I think, and put in the back. That alone leads to the extreme isolation. They live too rural for her to get on a bus. These things affect my life where my husband drives me but I am dependent on him. I can fit in car seats but driving is harder because of the legs and fit, I could drive our van in an emergency but it is painful. I even question going into a cohousing place or somewhere where there would be automatic involvement with others instead of living in a small apartment set apart from everything and everyone but those really are only open to the middle class and above.

Tammy at least has show money but imagine with people on fixed incomes, they aren't going anywhere. The isolation of super fat people adds to the weight, less activity and in her food addiction, she's home alone with the refrigerator, nothing to do, and few hobbies outside of her sister. Tammy is going to die unless they put her in a rehab that doesn't allow food cheating, and some immense counseling and exploration of physical issues. She needs the psychiatric issues with too and food addiction but also any underlying physiological issues.

Friday night dinner, Tikka Masla boneless skinless chicken thighs, corn salad with veggies with left over corn, there is sauce on the rice. The cucumber is from my garden.

If I won the Lotto tomorrow, I would go into a weight loss/medical treatment program rehab of some sort. I did look into going into a specialized Lipedema/lymph clinic, but was told that I already do at home what the lymph clinic would do for me, which includes hours of wrapping legs, and 2 hours a day in the leg machine. Yes it scares the hell out of me I would be even fatter and bigger without doing these things. I spent 3-4 hours a day on it. My legs get so thin when a therapist wraps them but they know I do the best I can. My Lipedema goes up to my chest too.

Why don't they have specialized weight loss rehab centers or programs for the severely obese?  I do ask why there is so much more help for the drug addicted and so little for the fat? It really makes me wonder. I want to go somewhere where I could get 100lbs stripped off for more functionality. Going from 515 to 415 would be a game changer. Tammy needs to go a gym even if she has to do it on a walker. I attended the Purple gym on a walker for two years before Covid, made that impossible. I kept my membership and am hoping to go back. I want to go back right now, but husband still doesn't think it is safe with Covid.

I do think she needs more help, a lot more help. I also need more help then I am getting so not judging her. Some weight loss centers don't allow calls out for food delivery etc. I got put on "diets" in the hospital but usually when I am hospitalized I am too sick and hate food so even that doesn't get eaten. 

I think 1200 calories is too low, and I can't stick to calories that low and never could with the hunger.  1800-2000 would be more realistic for her. The all or nothing stuff is messing her up. The starvation diets lower the metabolism. I've been down that road. I wish medical professionals would figure out some of us are beyond will power dieting. We need more help. Tammy definitely does.

Thursday Dinner, those are vegetarian "grillers" not hamburgers...

I am seeing a medical nutritionist. I took pictures of all my food for 5 days and showed it to her. She told me she was shocked at how many vegetables I ate and that she has to tell most people to eat more vegetables. My meals included an egg sandwich and blueberries for breakfast, a vegetarian dish with some noodles, garbanzo beans, green beans and bean sprouts, various salads, a vegetarian burrito, with some black bean soup, some Tikka Masala chicken with rice and corn salad, refried rice with left over tofu sausages, cauliflower casserole made with yogurt, a couple turkey sandwiches, bananas, low sugar granola with teff and a few glasses of Lactaid milk.  I don't think my portions and other things were considered too bad. One thing in blood tests they know if you are going nuts. My A1C was 6.8 last time? They want me to try to get it down to 6.5. 

A lot of my life is centered around cooking and figuring out "WHAT" to eat.  The reason they have me seeing this nutritionist is because my uric acid is sky high. I read once severe Lipedema can cause high uric acid levels and need to research and print out the website where I saw this discussed. They have figured out the problem is not dietary. My protein levels are not high enough.

Saturday night dinner, left over tofu sausages, carrots, bean sprouts, onions, green pepper, eggs, leftover rice made into refried rice.

I got tired last week and feel guilt because the CFS took me away from some exercising but I did go out gardening and pruning tomato plants and walking around some large stores. Later I did do some Sit and Be Fits and another work out for old people. Since I discovered I can get Youtube on my TV it's helped my exercise life. It's not just the Comcast Workout videos anymore. Tai Chi is enjoyable.

 I had to clean and do a variety of things and had multiple medical appointments. I have many more this next month. I have noticed the spoons theory applies to my life and then some. There's only so much energy and even if I do an art project, something else is taken away from. I had some pain this week but my mobility this week was better then a few weeks ago, it really does change drastically from some of the rheumatology problems. This week I was able to do a bit more. 

I told the medical nutritionist, I feel unable to sink the food down lower to whatever caloric level would strip weight off, and that even keeping the weight stable takes effort. I also discussed with her the extreme hunger problems and was open and honest about how hungry I am ALL The time. This is physical hunger with full stomach growling the works, not just boredom. The uric acid issue is still being explored. She was nice and professional and I discussed my complex weight history to her including the huge gain, showing pictures for proof. My plan is to ask her for more advice on what to do. Maybe she can get other doctors in on the action. The uric acid thing is worrisome, there's so much WEIRD stuff going on with my body. 

My eating has kept to the schedule. It's just hard to know what to do.  Partial vegetarianism is improving my health but I am fighting the river to keep from drowning. Us super-fat people need more help, we may have a variety of issues impacting our weight but there needs to be more help out there.  I need more help and so does Tammy. Some avenues I plan to explore are more help for pain, and fatigue and seeking more expert advice on the Lipedema. I need to bust out of the Covid cage too for survival. 

Saturday, October 9, 2021

The Crow


This is another painting I did a little time ago. I love crows, and had collected photos of some, so decided to paint one. 

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

An Interesting Article


Engineered Bat Virus Stirs Debate Over Risky Research

This article is from 2015, the 2020 disclaimer added to the article is kind of funny. I find myself thinking "Sure Jan...."

They were messing with some very bad stuff, and it makes you question a lot. 

" The researchers created a chimaeric virus, made up of a surface protein of SHC014 and the backbone of a SARS virus that had been adapted to grow in mice and to mimic human disease. The chimaera infected human airway cells — proving that the surface protein of SHC014 has the necessary structure to bind to a key receptor on the cells and to infect them. It also caused disease in mice, but did not kill them.

Although almost all coronaviruses isolated from bats have not been able to bind to the key human receptor, SHC014 is not the first that can do so. In 2013, researchers reported this ability for the first time in a different coronavirus isolated from the same bat population2."


Someone screwed up somewhere along the line. The fact these mad scientists alone, had no problem creating or altering viruses that could harm humans, is problem enough.

Stephen King in his book "The Stand" warned of a pandemic to come out of a government lab.

Friday, October 1, 2021

Stand By Your Man Taken to Insanity: Anna Duggar Loses All Sympathy


Remember this article?

"Will Anna Leave Josh Duggar? She Should."

You ever notice our society is so messed up, it seems every woman married to a celebrity does the "Stand By Your Man" crap to the point of insanity. Now Josh Duggar is a "C" level celebrity but seems like the rule has held. 

Anna Duggar disgusts me now. All my sympathy is gone. She is a victim of a cult, and brainwashing but there's a line she has crossed and that line is that she won't even protect her own children.  I find myself wondering if she may be as personality disordered and toxic as her husband. Maybe she is as debauched as he is.

Enablers can be just as much abusers as the original sociopaths and malignant narcs. Every child that was abused knows it wasn't just the abusers who betrayed us, but the enablers who stood by and watched. It only occurred to me years later, there were plenty of relatives standing around doing nothing or who even encouraged things as I got hit and had other abuses happen right in front of them. Enablers who help the sociopaths do their thing are as part of the evil as they are. They are complicit. 

The fact she can even smile at this guy like this now even as they have been "homeless" for years living in the back yard shed of the Duggar family, and could now be going to jail for the most vile crimes known to man short of outright murder, makes her as disgusting as he is. He's smirking at her in the above video too. I understand people can fall under a sociopath's spell, and she definitely could be, but when children's well-being is on the line that's time to wake up.

She's moved from enabler status in my mind to PERP too, because she's kissing a would be pedophile's ass right in front of the world and doesn't give a damn about victims or even her own kids. Something is very wrong with her. Think about this she is in the court rooms with the creep as they read the charges and WHAT HE DID. Remember he watched the worse of the worse in that criminal world. How could anyone sit there and listen to that, and walk out smiling and holding hands? 

Their children have been so betrayed even having these two immorals as parents. I hope they rebel as adults for their own sake. She is no mother. The system has failed in not taking these kids out of the home/shed. Maybe they have to wait until he is convicted, but they all definitely need interviewed and to be protected. 

Their children may have the greater chance for escape since their grotesque father has already made them outcasts in the cult. Why stick around? I think when the chips fall, some of them when they are older will realize how Anna betrayed them.  They will remember their mother choosing their loser father There's been a lot of outrage over Anna Duggar online, most people are horrified by her recent actions. What kind of cult tells you to stand by a would be pedophile? While many people did see her truthfully as a victim of a cult, she's definitely crossed a line here. How bad does it have to get before she will stand up for her children and herself? 

Whitney Thore and The Life of Fat Women

Sometimes there's far more wrong than being fat. That applies to Whitney Thore, she has many problems in addition to obesity. Hey that's true for my life, I deal with a lot more then being five hundred pounds on both the emotional and physical front. Just becoming deaf, is pretty big, and maybe I should post about that a bit. 

  My concerns about this show, is that it puts fat women in such a bad light. It doesn't offer us help or anything concrete to look to.  It's entertainment but what kind of messages about fat people is this show putting out? Is the public going to become more sympathetic to us or less?  Whitney has a lot more problems then just the obesity. The show also shows the limits of the "fat and sassy" stuff. Remember the years when I got in debates with size acceptance people for talking about the limitations of HAES and when I told Marilyn Wann to go visit a nursing home with super-fat people?

On a recent show, Whitney Thore was shown taking a trip with a Fat Women Traveling Group. It exposed a lot to me. Here's a caveat, being so different, I would not fit into the fat woman group either. I am on the autistic spectrum and have anxiety disorders.  Obviously people who can afford travel and a trip like that are in different shape to me. The women seem nice but I am not into twerking and there's no bathing suits that would fit me. Damn I loved the tricycles, I want one, wish I could afford one. You know I found a bicycle company about a year ago for fat people, they even go up to 550lbs.

You can see her problems right there next to them all. She's pretty, she's actually made up well, and all the women were wearing very nice clothing, and looked great. But you can see the personality stuff. You can tell they almost feel sorry for her. Such as when she is talking about her Frenchman. You can see their unease and worry. The immaturity is glaring.

One fellow fat traveler, Rebecca was trying to warn her, like you are falling into this same trap with the guy in France again like with Avi. Rebecca had dated and been conned by Avi too. Being fat you have to be careful in the dating world and I had exploitive men try to come after me too when I was young.

If you are Super-fat, toxic men will try and mess with you. I had strange men attempt stalking on me and other crazy stuff. As past readers here know, I was raised uber Catholic even though I deconverted from family's church which meant I was a late life shy virgin and so not as likely to have sex with them. I also was too autistic for the exploitive men to understand or get with.  These men fortunately rejected me for my weirdness and for being a bookworm.

I was able to avoid exploitive men though or being used by one, and married my first love, but these special circumstances protected me. Many fat women sadly have to deal with these kind of men. Well all women do but with super fat women the risks are higher. How come Whitney doesn't talk honestly about this? She encourages the exploitation of fat women by toxic men in her own man and baby hunger. She's a walking cliche of the desperate fat spinster. She dates men who dump her for thin women, ignores the guy [Lenny] whose actually physically attracted to her and makes the worse dating choices possible. 

 She's definitely no feminist rebel against the system on our behalf. She's taking the crumbs and that makes me mad. I wish we had a fat strong women who wouldn't take crap from men. This is the worse personality for young fat women to watch and be instructed on love lives. This may sound weird from deconverted me but perhaps the nuns and others who instilled all these high ideals in me about love, protected me from some of the worse.  

Toxic men do prey on super fat women. They tried it with me and failed. Rebecca was trying to break through Whitney's wall, because it seemed like she learned her lesson and Whitney was just repeating the same mistake. I got frustrated because I wanted Rebecca to be more direct but she did at least get Whitney to ask if the Frenchman was another AVI....Well yes.

The other women do seem to have more sense of self, and career success and a presence. I do envy their confidence. I see Whitney lacking. Whitney tries too hard. While Whitney has a TV show and fame, she lacks this inner peace and stamina inside, that the other fat women have. It is something I have had to work on, like I got to the edges of it via ACON recovery and going no contact from abusers. I do think of recovery messages all the time in my head. I think Whitney should go into therapy. She is messed up inside too from feeling like she is "not enough", that will mess people up. 

Whitney I think has something odd with the parents she needs recovery from. They don't seem overtly "abusive" [Whitney was never hit, or yelled at or stuff like that as far as we know] but there's some weirdness with Babs I pick up on. I read Babs as having some elements of covert narcissism that have carried over to Whitney. Babs comes out with passive aggressive stuff all the time with a dark undertone. One thing to notice with Babs is while she appears "nice" there are a lot of disguised comments, like compliments with a bite, is the best way I can describe it. Babs has poor boundaries too always saying sexual things that are over the top too, Babs doesn't touch people but crosses people's boundaries that way--the apple may not have fallen far from the tree.

Whitney could have been in a golden child role. Whitney obviously believes she has to perform to please them. She is in this weird trap. It's given her drive, and ironically fame, but she is having problems with all her relationships and doesn't have a calm or peaceful presence.

You can tell she is comparing herself to these women and considering herself not to be "enough", the jealousy is busting out from her to the immense. I am a 4 on the Enneagram, we can be jealous types and it is a "shadow" I have to deal with but damn she is so jealous of them, it's insane, like green eyed monster has taken over, and scared not to be the center of attention. This goes with her lack of inner fortitude. Something is missing there. I see a nice group of women, and she is there to compete and one up them all. They can pick up on it too.  They can see her emotional abuse fueled shame and other problems. They ask her to teach them some dancing but instead she twerks around and destroys personal bodily boundaries slapping all the women on the butt.

I do think there could be some implicit personality disorder as discussed here. The top theories are BPD and NPD, she seems to show multiple narcissistic traits, and that "hot" and "cold" stuff.  She seems to fear abandonment and is unable to spend time alone.  This explains a lot of the weirdness with Buddy where one minute he's the greatest thing since sliced bread and the next she turns on him putting him down. The clinginess, endless demands, loudness, crossing of boundaries and the constant quests for every room to have her as the center of attention, all speak to some sort of personality disorder.

She idealizes Buddy and then trashes him all within 20 minutes. I am often curious at Buddy's past, did he face abuse growing up? It makes me wonder why he is in the abusive dance with her too. One thing with people abused when young is the dysfunctional relationships and even friendships can continue late into adulthood.  This happened to me. Someone taught Buddy that this was how one was supposed to be treated though I think sobriety and probably "recovery" classes are waking Buddy up. I was in a depression recovery and peer group a few years and it helped wake me up to get out of abusive relationships including friendships.

She treats her friends horribly. I feel bad for Ashley and Heather because I keep thinking betrayal is coming girls, unless they remain "mirrors".

I question this show a lot, but sometimes even ask "Why was this person chosen as the example for living happy while fat?" It could be called "My Big Fat Miserable Life." She has a TV show and fame, and you can tell she doesn't feel like "enough" and she has some problems. I think she needs to address. Being super fat can mess people up. You know I deal with some crazy stuff because of it but she's not in a good place at all. 

Fat, sassy and active is possible at stable midsized weights. some of the women at the Fat Ladies Traveling group were midsized and looked like they could maintain a life, though some better focus on weight stability to make sure this does not change. Some were above 300, and probably most likely would face some health issues. 

Rebecca however is near disability, and large enough to be disabled if she is not very soon. I could wear Rebecca's clothing, I have more of a hanging stomach from my fatter past. She looks like she weighs in the high 400s to even low 500s. My last weigh in was 515lbs. Rebecca seems to be a very nice person, and I wish she was the star of this show. 

As people here know I have CFS and complex autoimmune problems most people have never heard of even beyond the Lipedema stage 4.  Yesterday I went to get a blood test, did some gardening --tearing out my cucumber vines that died, two veggie stands, a small estate sale, and cooked curry for dinner. I am exhausted today and in bed, because my swelling got out of control. Add in autism. Autism and autoimmune diseases go together too. 

I am seeing a nutritionist for the extreme uric acid they now think is from a rare inherent condition instead of anything I am eating and focusing now on getting more help. The rehab and clinic thing is complicated. I'm talking now to a nutritionist and others about what I should do. I may need to explore going to a pain clinic. Every time I try to be active at all, the pain gets out of control. The joint and other pain is hurting me. I am being what my brain calls "lazy" right now but laying in this bed has dampened down the pain. It creates this weird cycle in my head that troubles me. There's times I am literally limping at the end of a day.

One issue for me in the size acceptance world, as people here know who have read my much early articles on this blog from the early 2010s, is too many of them denied the health effects of severe obesity.  While I have seen some improvements in this arena, Whitney is definitely still stuck in the old mode. Does being superfat have to be tied to denying reality? Sure I can't stand the diet brokers and fat bigots either but isn't she playing into their hands?

I remember those days still where I told Marilyn Wann on a online message board under another name that I was 700lbs and dying. She invalidated me. I did have many things wrong and I went on to live for 25 plus more years. 

Whitney doesn't know it but she is very close to being disabled. 50 more lbs. and she may not be able to walk. I was very tall, almost 6 feet when young so could carry a lot more weight. I lost a massive amount of height and am only 5 foot 7 inches now. Whitney is short as hell so 400lbs on her, would be equal to 500lbs on a taller person. Whitney's clothes would fit me but would all be "too short". If she is as "wide" as me, she is in big time trouble. I still hold to my theory that she has Lipedema. I could be wrong but I noticed the tell-tale sign of leg lumpiness, though she doesn't seem to have the ankle cuffs, when she attempted to go tubing on her birthday.

Her body is breaking down you can see it, and age worsens this. One thing that is unusual about me is I am into health food, and will not eat processed food, desserts, or "normal American food", I already would be dead. I don't see Whitney eating vegetables, salads or cooked food, but microwaved crap out of cans. How come we never see WHAT she eats? That seems to point to some possible problems with food addiction, we don't know her eating and other habits. If she was open with those, it would help others too. How come she shows no interest in cooking, eating, or nutrition? Whitney could even prove what she eats via her show and talk about weight in a honest fashion. If she has satiety issues and hunger problems she could talk about it. I told my nutritionist, I can stick to regular meals during the day, but I have intense hunger all the time. Lay it out on the table. Why hide everything? If she didn't hide stuff she could either get help for medical problems underlying the obesity, or get help for any would be food addiction. 

Whitney could lose her show, from a health crisis alone, a hurt leg, cellulitis bout, or other health issue. She can't keep up now, and age alone will end all the feigned athleticism. She could end up on a walker too. I think she needs a cane now for balance and to walk around safely, but some may disagree with me. I have watched her at the gym and she seems to do little cardio. I am not in shape, but determined even when I did the gym, that one needed to do a sustained activity for 15-20 minutes at least to get some heart and lung benefits. I don't see her doing this. She does a lot of weights and grunts and pulls but no sustained cardio. That was always strange to me, when they showed her exercise segments.  

She is in denial about how bad of shape she is in. They do this to people in size acceptance world, I used to protest it and HAES. There was a healthism in that world and still is where only the healthy are embraced, I used to tell people in NAAFA at 700lbs I was sick and dying, and they'd get pissed because I wasn't presenting the picture of the happy sassy fat woman. As people know my own history with the size acceptance movement is very fraught with controversy. Don't get me started how the fat and sassy crap doesn't work for those of us on the autistic spectrum.

Whitney is stuck dancing as fast as she can. She would do a service more to other fat people and herself if she got real. I have needed endless medical support to even stay alive this long. You don't want to know how many specialists I see. I have something like 7 doctor appointments in the next month. She actually has more health resources then me, she doesn't have autoimmune disease, she can breathe properly [the gym wasn't even possible for me until I was on a strong enough COPD medicine], she has money, she has a loving family. She needs to go to some damn doctors and therapists instead of playing at being a trainer. She is close to being disabled. When that happens, there will be no more show. She could help a lot of fat people having such a platform. It could have been used for so much better. 

Covid Disciples and their Long Distant Vacations during a "Deadly Global Pandemic"

It blows my mind how the Covid disciples are traveling constantly. Why don't they have any fear of the "deadly virus" as they go to endless restaurants, tourist attractions and more. I have to admit I feel weird about some people now, it has me question them. Can you imagine me saying what is on my mind?  I also have realized how class wise, my life is completely different from these people. My husband lost some work due to Covid. Unemployment is over. Grocery prices have skyrocketed. I am talking about selling stuff off, to prepare. Our medical costs too were very high, and as well as others. 

 I find myself asking "How do they have so much money?" It seems even the middle class and above would be facing some economic pinch by now. I want people to have lives too, and live life don't get me wrong but there is a MAJOR discrepancy here. These people support my rights and freedoms being taken away but go traveling without any restraint or worry. They don't seem to worry about getting sick from a "deadly" virus even now as Delta is supposedly infecting the vaccinated. Haven't the clot shots worn off too? Most haven't gotten their third booster especially younger people.  It makes me wonder that inside they have no fear of the virus, but they love the totalitarianism. This is some major inconsistency. 

Today I was on my Facebook, and saw some people on yet another new trip, this time out of country, where they boasted that the vaccinated were allowed to travel there. They agree with this! I had to literally restrain myself from a snarky comment. These people are more acquaintances. They are traveling like they won the Lotto or something. I feel different about a lot of people on Facebook now, I am kind of fading out there. I have some friends I still talk to there, but being one of the dissenters, I have gone far more quiet. I don't feel the same about a lot of people. They don't understand my life, and they could say I don't understand theirs. The world is burning but lets travel thousands of miles away from home during a plague. 

As I have written the lives of the affluent have not changed, they go party like it's Hunger Games eating at fancy restaurants, still seeing friends and family. The poor among us, no longer have their groups, clubs, and fear even going to their gym out of fear of catching the virus. Our social lives were decimated. Our economic lives are under extreme pressure. I find myself worried that they will try and force the clotshot on the disabled. That's probably next.  I've faced extreme poverty before, in some ways I have mental preparation others don't have. Maybe one new friend who told me I need new friends,  had a point. I am asking why am I around people who support all this? I don't plan to fight or argue with anyone in real life, the Covid disciples are like the Nazis of yesteryear, I have to consider my safety and living in peace especially as this world descends. 

 They have embraced totalitarianism. The wealthy ones, are almost like dancing on the grave of the world, and I have nothing in common with them. If you can afford a vacation right now, and are unafraid of the virus, at least don't support my rights being taken away for refusing a vaxx, that in my personal case would do great harm to me. Also consider the ramifications of bragging about vacations, when some of us feel fear just from going that day to a outpatient lab to a get a blood draw and worrying there's too many people in the room even if they are masked. The joy was stomped out of my life and the lives of others while you "party hardy" and support all our rights and the Constitution being burned to a crisp.

Webwide people are talking about losing. their jobs, I saw a pregnant woman being threatened with being fired because she did not want to put her fetus at risk with the experimental shot. There are atrocities happening to peoples lives today all over. These people won't have money for rent, mortgage food or the other basics of life. Some are not willing to sell their lives and souls down the river for the powers that be. I have already decided I won't become a part of this, even if this means dying of Covid, whatever real virus there is out there, joining the forces that want to experiment on children is sickening to me. 

I have nothing in common with these people. They don't understand my fear. They don't understand [or care] what is happening to millions of people's lives. They don't understand the growing economic despair out there.