The Health Saga Continued

 I'm not sure what to do. The doctors are kind of checked out you know. I think my local hospital/medical center fired a lot of people for not taking the vaxx, or they are all sick and left. 

 When I went to get a ultrasound, and blood tests, the place was nearly empty, there was a few patients in there but it was like a tomb. The lady taking my ultrasound was new and all the regulars seemed to be gone.

 

I'm having a severe Meniere's attack, it's the longest one I've ever had. There was too little hearing left as there was and some of that is now gone. I was already identifying as deaf. I could still hear some music on headphones but now that music is so distorted, there's no use listening to it. It's very depressing. The hearing is even changing this week, up and down, but it's way too low. The worse is I can't hear my husband's voice anymore, there's no free conversation, I have to transcribe him. That sucks and has led me to tears multiple times.

The tinnitus is from the gates of hell. A few times it was loud enough to wake me up. I don't mind when it goes gangbusters in the already mostly "dead" ear as much but my worry skyrockets when it's in the "better" ear. It troubles me all these people reporting tinnitus from the vaxx and hearing problems and they act like it's nothing. This shows me how psychotic society is, they don't care if people are deafened. Having people judge me when I have all these medical problems is too much. Do you all know the fear that comes about from your hearing shutting off? During a severe Meniere's attack when I first got the disorder after a severe infection, I lost almost ALL my hearing. Lips would move with no sound coming out of them. I still have nightmares about that time. I am close to that severity now.

This is stuff that alters your life. When you can't talk to people it's painful. I know a lot of my social isolation grew as the hearing diminished. There were times even with my hearing aids on before I had my transcribe phone, where at UU and other groups, people would talk to me and I wouldn't know anything they said. Soft-voiced people, my getting to know them was impossible, too many words would disappear into nothing. You can only say "What?" so often. My failing hearing even impacted things years ago with my narcissistic family. My brother refused to text even though I could not understand a word he said on the phone for years before I had a caption phone. They would leave me out of entire conversations. 

It makes you tired too, everything feels like a burden, you want to sleep. All light looks too bright. My balance is off and it does affect your vision. My eyes bounce around [nystagmus] One day in the car, I said to my husband, "Look at my eyes, I'm going to look across the room and back and you can watch my eyes bounce around, it's definitely going to happen". He said, "The effect is unsettling". This demands more brain power to operate and you get tired. 

 I don't know if some hearing will come back. The irony is I was at the ear doctor around two weeks ago, the hearing felt worse that day and they were informed that my Meniere's attack had just begun. They told me the hearing level is the same but I have lost a lot of word recognition due to masks, and my hearing aids not working. The hearing drop would happen soon after. They have these constant changes written down in my medical charts.  I'm supposed to get one of the most powerful hearing aids, but I am waiting on more money to make it happen. I have to wait and save for the second. There's a ear wax cleaning next week and have to tell them I've lost more hearing. 

My Lipedema seems to be worsening, the pain and everything. The Lipedema boards aren't much support. They are all geared towards the monied classes who are most often lower stage and in promoting plastic surgeries that are tens of thousands of dollars. If you are stage 4, you are too advanced for the surgeries to even work and the risk of infection is sky-high. There's a voicelessness in that world. One lady spoke out like I did years ago against the encroachment of the plastic surgeons, and I wrote back on one board but she took her post down. She didn't want to be seen as "mean", or face social censure.  Maybe autistic me just bore the brunt of social rejection for questioning the status quo instead. She kind of disappointed me. The Lipedema herd has a way of silencing people. If this was a disease for men, it would not go this way. 

There will be no change there. Us stage 4s will slink back to our disabled lives in pain, while the wealthy stage 1s and 2s who can afford advanced treatments silence us even more. The unwealthy stage 1 and 2s sadly may be us one day. The physiological and other effects of Lipedema are ignored in too many circles. The compression bandages cost too much. The other day I ordered FOUR compression bandages, one was a really long one, and they cost over 60 dollars. That's insane. They wear out so you have to order them constantly. Its good I have my Flexitouch machine else I would be in worse trouble. 

I did try to find a bariatric doctor but just kept hitting road block after road block. They were all working via online and not taking insurance or part of weight loss surgery promotion. My newest idea is to go see an endocrinologist again and work that angle. 

Something still seems wrong to me with all these kidney stones and being told I have some type of genetic condition that causes high uric acid but they haven't named it. I read somewhere this can be related to "overgrowth" conditions so have to do more research. This body never operated right. Why don't they get to the root of anything? It bothers me. I said this to the kidney doctor, and he responded, "The treatment is the same anyway". Well wouldn't knowing help figure it out? I got a scan done and they said there's multiple small kidney stones, in one kidney, some were passed last week. If eating so many vegetarian and vegan meals with only a little bit of chicken at some meals won't fix it, what will? Sometimes I wonder if uric acid is worsened with stress. Maybe the Meniere's attack triggered all these kidney stones?

Covid is messing up my health too. No, I didn't catch it, but this locked down kind of life with no people in it outside of two friends I see once or twice a month with masks on, is messing me up physically. I haven't gotten the same amount of physical or mental activity I would have had before. This has gone on too long. Stamp auctions, zine conferences, art class, activities with the UU, my gym, going to poetry lectures, eating in a restaurant, going to a movie, concert, etc was all wiped away from my life. My husband doesn't want me to rejoin groups yet. 

Is this guy right? See his articles talking about what is supposed to happen...

or is this one?

Remember these are scientists who don't support the vaxx. 

What about studies like this? 

Some believe this is why China is flipping the hell out doing Zero Covid, even to the point of starving their population if what we are seeing is true about their lockdowns.

"Taken together, the findings presented here underscore profound multi-cellular dysregulation in the brain caused by even mild respiratory SARS-CoV-2 infection. The white matter-selective microglial reactivity found in both mice and humans following SARS-CoV-2 infection have been shown to inhibit hippocampal neurogenesis, dysregulation of the oligodendroglial lineage and myelin loss in other disease contexts and as demonstrated here. Myelin modulates the speed of neural impulse conduction (Smith and Koles, 1970; Waxman 1980) and provides metabolic support to axons (Funfschilling et al., 2012); even small changes in myelination can exert profound effects on neural circuit dynamics and consequently on cognitive function (Mount and Monje, 2017; Noori et al., 2020; Pajevic et al., 2014)

BTW depending on my own small piece of science knowledge, when I think about how colds work, if Covid is real and has all these affects including vascular, we are toast. Remember I am autistic, I notice "patterns", if Covid affects the vascular system, and all these other bodily systems, long term, and there's no long term immunity and the variants are being "spun" from the original, we are screwed.

This is why the refusal for early treatment, these bioengineering labs and more are such a betrayal. These people may have destroyed civilization and humanity in general even for generations. If these changes to our lives are permanent, then we are screwed. 

And then there is this camp. Are they wishful thinkers or did the elites pull off the biggest lie in history second after 9-11? 

But then I keep thinking people died of something beyond the flu. I didn't see bodies in the street and don't know anyone who died but asked doctors if they saw Covid directly, and they said yes. I don't think they were all lying. If it was just the flu, how could they have pulled this off? I wish these hoax people were right. As I wrote I envy the people who believe this was as they are still living their lives.

Right now I am trying to find out how much of Covid is a danger or not. If I ever see my doctor again I plan to ask him if he's had any recent patients with it. Some people tell me, "Oh it's just a flu and or cold and all of this is just a hoax, return to your regular life".

I had someone wrote me this on a message board:

"Don't let them win, you ain't licked yet. Get out and live while you're still living!

It's a simple but diabolical scam: rebrand existing common ailments, use a fraudulent test to create the illusion of a pandemic, and offer perverse incentives to juice the stats. People with man-flu, hypochrondia and Munchausen syndrome are doing their part, of course, the perps love to exploit a moral hazard.

Don't forget the old folk wisdom: "If you're born to be hanged, you'll never be drowned" We're all going to die one day, the fates will have their way. The important thing is living well, don't let these bastards take that from you.

and then others tell me, "Covid is real though the vaxxes are bad, it's creating dystonia and other bad effects in people even if you get a mild case.". I am so isolated, I don't know what is going on. I'm not sure what to do. 

Living this way isn't working anymore for me. Hopefully I won't crack up. In the land of liars who do you believe? I do ask everyday how come I don't know anyone who has ever died of Covid? I know more who got sick from the vaxx. The slow slog of this dragging on, has destroyed me.  I don't buy into that terrain stuff either, I've been sick for years, where I usually KNEW exactly who it was who gave me a former cold or virus. 

 Yesterday I went to a writing group on Zoom, I talked them into being hybrid for me and they were nice enough to do it. All these older people were sitting around a table unmasked. I thought, "Maybe I am insane one." Two recently went to Disney world in Florida around crowds of people and ate out at restaurants with no masks. Remember the vaxxes don't work on the new variants so it can't be a matter of they are all vaxxed up and not worried for that reason. Maybe I have been screwed up for life and I am too "germ phobic" and now have an worse OCD problem then checking things on my hands. 

I haven't known another person with Covid in many months. I don't even know if Covid ended months ago, and the jerks are dragging it out.  They lie about everything anyway so how am I supposed to figure this out? If I was a healthy person, sure return to life, let it pan out but I'm still hiding away and wondering about my sanity at this rate. How do I explain to people, I almost died of lung stuff, and even spent years gasping for air, as recently as the early 2010s, because my COPD was undertreated. So the fear factor was always greater for me. No one allowed me to talk about this or understood. I told one doctor my anxiety levels are off the roof and told him I have a history of PTSD. They just would not address this. 

I believe spike proteins from whatever source are bad for you. 

Let's just say as we start the third year of this, I'm growing more pissed and I hate politicians, and the "experts" even more so. Someone please tell Fauci to shut the hell up, he's useless and his evil AIDs, and vaccines and evil rise to the heavens. Him, Gates and Baric and so many of the rest of them are the new Dr. Mengeles.

Disabled people were thrown under the bus long ago for these sociopaths to do their dirty business and destroy our world. Doctors have been a disappointment. I am fortunate none of my personal ones hound me over the vaxx business but so much is wrong, this is probably why I get a break.

 Covid is a nightmare with my PTSD history, germphobia and OCD. I'm not brave enough to ditch masks in a trash can and rejoin the world but as time passes by and I get old. I get pissed. These monsters have ruined so many lives. Oh if you think I am crazy about Covid, I actually know a few people who haven't left their houses in two years. They haven't gone in stores but had everything delivered.  That's way too much.  Those people are still out there in the disability community. Remember I know a lot of disabled people. Some of us know it would take only ONE MORE THING to push us over into the grave or the nursing home. You can see how all the fear affected them. It's messed me up enough.

There is this feeling of being on one's own. I don't trust the health care system anymore. While some of my personal doctors are decent and do their job the system as a whole failed me long ago. Even with my weight no one has answers why I eat the way I do and maintain so much weight. All I got told there was advice that never worked. For years I used to beg to be put in the hospital and for helps, I was denied. The medicos don't abuse me for being fat like they once did, but now it's almost a shrug, "You got a lot to deal with".  I sometimes think what I needed for good health, was STABILITY, a feeling of belonging, love when I needed it when young, financial stability, and I needed these things far more than any diet. 

 I was told to exercise and "do more" and exercise did bring me good things but then they basically locked down my life, taking away activities and more. None of them are honest about this. If I spend most of my life encased in 4 rooms, am I getting the same walking? Just going anywhere costs money. So if I go out and go to a store, it vanquishes money.  What is there to do? Maybe they are building the Metaverse knowing bored peasants are dangerous peasants. It's obvious they don't want us to have lives anymore. Not having a life, outside of my marriage is destroying my health. I'm not sure what to do. Every move costs money. I feel like I am locked in a cage. If I say "Fuck it, and just go live my life" then I have the hours of anxiety to deal with. You know we all imagined dystopia, as sucking but in all the movies there were always allies to speak with. I talk to people with a plastered smile on my face hiding my views outside of a very small number. Even in the book 1984, Winston could wonder around the parks and talk to that one lady. 

 I still need the medical world for a variety of medications, I need to stay alive, but it's a fractious one. My trust is not there. They misdiagnosed me for a long time. Even with these constant kidney stones, I say to them, "Maybe it's parathyroids, maybe it's something systemic". I reviewed my last set of labs, and I am anemic though not seriously so. I'm just a number and a statistic. I'm an old woman now, and as you age you are seen differently. My life medically has been one of constant invalidation. All they ever did was threaten me with worse. Even when I was only 30 years old, they told me I would die soon. 

I'm putting myself on vitamin therapy and going back into the 'alternative' health world.  I already have taken vit C and zinc to fight any would be Covid exposure. I bought a bottle of expensive B-12 vitamins, hopefully that will help the anemia. It's time to study herbs. I got out some of my old naturopath books, and plan to go get some manganese for my ears. I have to concentrate and do what I can. The CFS and wanting to sleep all the time is not good. I'm also trying to figure out why everything is so "hard" and I believe lock-down has worsened aspects of my ADHD. 

I have decided too if I can afford it, I am going to go see a Chinese medicine person, and am checking into a local business. My desire to hire a naturopath has only grown. I am planning to buy herbs and other remedies from this one local naturopath. Normal allopathic medicine is failing the world now. They let corporations steam roller all of them and their bosses.. Outside a few dissenting doctors, most lined right up and they will kiss the boots of Big Pharm and allow themselves to be censored via that new law in California. The bootlicks have the morals of worms.

 I still need the medical world for some meds to stay alive, but at this point, the feeling of "We are going to be our own" is growing. They betrayed us so much over Covid, vaxxes and more how can we trust the majority of them?  Also what does it mean when a doctor checks out and goes from giving you monthly visits to 2 a year? While some seem nice, none ever seem to want to explore anything, I got a messed up body and a life full of more invalidation. 

Now so many of the public health have ruined our lives, they won't admit their failures and they expect all of us including the immuno-compromised to live lives of permanent lock down or suspended animation. As they refuse to study treatments or allow HCQ/IVM, or other treatments or even traditional vaccines that would work, these sell-outs,  cowards and imbeciles destroy all our lives. Hope the money was worth it as they didn't even cared about their own children. I am sick of invalidation. I've had it all my life. I'm tired of being told lies. Now I am told I got two choices, live a locked down, dead life, with no people except husband in it, or go rejoin life and die of drowning in your own fluids, and oh we will wait to put you in the hospital and give you more failing medicines after your oxygen drops below 90.

My COPD worries me lately too, I need more exercise. I will make myself walk around in stores that are more empty to get some exercise, but it is not the same as having a life. I fear what's going to happen to me. I am dealing with some nursing home level crap, like night time incontinence because when you are a bloated bag of fluids it's hard to get up and walk out of bed even to go pee.

I am very worried about my mobility, I can still stand to cook a meal, and walk on walker a bit, but my mobility has suffered. I haven't been weighed in awhile, don't think I have gained but that worry is always there.  I was 526 at the rheumatologist last October. [the weight can bounce by 20lbs depending on where fluids are at] Aging with this kind of weight on the body is very bad. Sometimes I am pissed off, thinking why couldn't it go down to the 400s. 

Mentally, the isolation has harmed me. That's growing worse. I am married and have husband to talk to but if I was single through out all this, I would not have survived. I talk about moving all the time but then sometimes say to him, maybe I just need having a life back here. Just the feeling of going somewhere to see new things, or even have some new stimulus would be nice. I miss taking pictures. Money is always so tight even though we have been able to keep our bills paid, that there's not extra. The last day trip I took was 30 miles away last fall. I often feel unable to talk to people like I am "shut down", that part worries me. What are the mental effects of only talking to people via screens for three years? 

I do have to work on my health. Why isn't this shit over yet, even for me to go back to Planet Fitness? I do plan to garden again this year. That will help. Soon I will go walk around some stores that aren't too busy. Maybe some garage sales this weekend. I have grown more dependent on my husband, that worries me. I haven't taken the bus in 2 years because of Covid. Maybe I am too rigid on worrying about viruses. Some people seem to happily live not worrying about it. I really wanted to find out it was a hoax I needed to.  If you can prove that to me do so.  Add links here, I'll go look. They are destroying our society. I wish I could sue the people who did this to us. Why aren't more people angry? Did they keep normal life and just say screw it? I don't know. 

I got some major health worries lately. Hope everyone else is holding out better. Mental health and health is in crisis. Too many people have been ignored and neglected through out this. They made everything about Covid. If real and if it's endemic, they ruined our society and health for good. I kind of know I am on my own. There's no more help out there. I probably need to be in a rehab now with far more intense therapy but that's not going to happen. Even with Lipedema, the lack of care there, and just abandonment sucks. 

I'm not sure what to do, this Meniere's attack has worn me out. Losing an entire sense is scary as hell. When I was at the grocery store the other day masked up behind the plexiglass, I could not hear barely anything, it was like being under water.  One thing I ponder is as the medical suffering increases, they never cured anything, they sure spent a lot of money to destroy all our lives though, didn't they?

Update: I found out I am going deaf yesterday, more hearing was lost during this latest attack and there was so little left to lose. Due to other health problems, I can't get a Cochlear implant, but know enough about those to know the results, aren't so great.  They don't provide hearing like normal hearing and if it breaks, you need another basically "brain surgery". That doesn't seem a good idea in a society as unstable as this one. Buzzing in your head you can't turn off? At this weight and risks surgery is not on the menu.

 I'm supposed to get another hearing aid, had some money come in, it was to go for that and then both cars broke down on the same day. Hmm that gives me worries about being "cursed", thanks Mrs. Curses. One car is at least running, just needed a jump from church friend. The tinnitus and fatigue is bad. Hopefully other car just needs a battery or starter and I can still get my hearing aids, or at least the first one and other ones later. 

Sometimes in back of mind worry shedding affected me, my hearing was stable for years despite the Meniere's though stress is probably not good for autoimmune diseases. I'm still able to get some health care, but the cracks are forming. One thing I think about is how they never have a cure for anything or actual diagnosis like with the uric acid problem and how multimillions was spent in labs to screw up all our lives rather then help them. Even 40 years later the only answer for Meniere's is high level of prednisone, and well, I'm at the stage it won't be guaranteed to do anything and doctor said, it wouldn't help much. I'm noticing that, where there's no answers and my conditions are all stuck still in 1980s/1990s and before medical technology.

This applies to a lot of my medical problems, there's no further help or cure or answers for anything even from my 20s and 30s. Remember I started getting Meniere's in my late 20s. I'm in my 50s now. Think about that when mainstream media crows about medical progress. Bones of Star Trek would probably get a puke pail out and say "It's primitive as hell in this 21st century, Jim, they invested far more money to kill people then to help them!"

We discussed imbalance, I had vertigo and drops for years but into the late more deaf stage some of that eases up. Six months ago I had to grab on to the bed as the room moved but this Meniere's attack, was just more the feeling of being on a rolling ship. After this many years I can adapt to it. I had to train my mind even to walk, focus on the horizon line and to ignore the constant spinning sensations. The doctor told me I was lucky that part isn't as severe as it could be but I made sure to point out to him, the walker was for my balance more then the weight.

I'll go buy some manganese and I need to order some naturopath books, if I can't afford them, time to figure out where there information is. I bought a "Nutritional Healing" naturopath book, from years ago 1990, where I have notes all over the thing. Sometimes think how worse off I would be without some of that knowledge. Time to get more.  

Oh when I read about Covid/multiple bouts of Covid/covid vaxx causing autoimmune effects, I think, "People don't realize AT ALL, what's coming for them."

Economic Nomads in The Geography of Nowhere

 

Title is borrowed from this book, "The Geography of Nowhere" which I am reading now too.

They jacked up our rent sky high. We can pay it, but another increase could be coming next year. Even long time apartment neighbors have told us they feel pushed out due to the cost.  Investors are buying up apartments country wide and rent is skyrocketing. America is being ruined. Where I live even has no stairs to get in. That's very hard to find. This place has both pros and cons. Worrying about being priced out of an entire town sucks. That's one of the worse things about life for me, always this feeling of instability like everything's always going to be upended. I already witnessed the economic destruction of one small town. We hope we are not forced to move. We don't want to. When you get older, it's harder to start over again and again. My husband plans to work on making more money for the increased rent.

Some person from my town wrote "I need rent around 800 a month", on Facebook, everyone told them they would have to move out to very rural towns in our county to get an apartment for that price. That's sad, how people take it for granted that people should be priced out of an entire town. Not everyone has the resources to drive 40 miles to see a specialist or to afford all that gas. All the moves would be far enough away, it would be essentially "starting over" for that person. The people and stores they would see day to day would be completely different.

There were two small towns in the county where I could cut rent by 30 percent or so myself, but as my husband joked, there's a reason no one wants to live there. One is very far out and even more remote and low on resources then my past small town.  There's no options of going to a bigger city. The rent doubles if I go to a town over 50,000-100,000, I remain uninterested.

“the immersive ugliness of the built environment in the USA is entropy made visible. It indicates not simple carelessness but a vivid drive toward destruction, decay and death: the stage-set of a literal “death trip,” of a society determined to commit suicide. Far from being a mere matter of aesthetics, suburbia represents a compound economic catastrophe, ecological debacle, political nightmare, and spiritual crisis — for a nation of people conditioned to spend their lives in places not worth caring about.”

― James Howard Kunstler, The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of America's Man-made Landscape

In my life, I always refused to live in what I call "ugly" places. When I choose where to live, there has to be some decent things to look at. 

There's plenty of "ugly places", entire cities now of endless residential areas where there's no where to hang out. Houses that all look a like. Kunstler talks about architecture too. His book was written before the McMansion phenomenon so some of those trends worsened. The older buildings look far better. In my state in most towns, most of the downtowns were built in the late 1800s, most of those buildings have a far better "look", they are still standing while the local dying mall built in the 1970s, is basically crumbling.  There's a lot of modern stores built in the last 25 years that look like they are falling apart. It seems wasteful how they are constantly rebuilding fast food restaurants and some of those buildings were less than 20 years old. The "vivid drive towards destruction, drive and death" means not building for things to last anymore. You can see this in new buildings, they build on out of plywood. My older apartment complex is made out of old cinder block, you don't have to hear every neighbor's fart, but they built a new one out of plywood. 

Columbus Ohio outside of an inner "German district" is one of the ugliest cities on the planet to me. It's basically strip mall hell and stretches out for miles and miles. At least Chicago had a few nice brick buildings built in the 1800s and the lakefront. The most run down place is probably Gary, Indiana, I used to have to take a bus through Gary to get to Chicago. I've visited people in the suburbs before and you needed a car to get everywhere and anywhere. 

Suburbs are often soul-less to me. Kunstler decries them too in his book, and the endless feeder highways, big box stores, and houses lined up in endless rows all looking like each other.  How many people get lost in a sea of houses that all look alike. This is an industrial society set up to lose connections and fail from the start. He rallies against endless billboards, and laments the lack of public spaces. Ask how many places you can go right now without paying to be there in many cities? I hate the suburbs. I won't live in any. It's small towns or being in the city for me. Being broke in the suburbs means basically having no life. There's no bus to come get you either. Everyone is separate watching TV in their own "big" box with their health declining and their weight rising. So many suburbs lack character and soul. Bedroom communities are all spiritually asleep. 

Gas isn't that cheap anymore, building things to be spread out maybe worked in the 1960s-1980s but isn't going to work forever. Then there is the abandonment of the inner cities too, that only gets brief mention in this book. I would have liked to see more of that expanded but understand the limit in space. It seems that society right now is being built for the middle class and upper class only while the rest are forgotten. We need places to live too. Should entire towns force out everyone that doesn't reach a certain income level?

Just look at Dead Mall websites to know life is changing. Building nothing but stores with gigantic parking lots isn't the way to go anymore. I was in shock to watch videos of the mall near where I went to high school. This mall is in a far wealthier area, and is dying too. It has some stores left but most have closed. I don't think malls were good for real community. It was just consumerism, oh sure they sold it as a public space, but it was designed to vacuum up your money. It's interesting to realize most of these malls were built in the 1980s, and were dying by the mid to late 1990s. 

The Geography of Nowhere talked about how community eroded because of how things were set up in America. This book was written in the 1990s so things had gotten even worse. Kunstler definitely was right about the organic nature of community that is now being destroyed:

"“Community is not something you have, like pizza. Now is it something you can buy. It's a living organism based on a web of interdependencies- which is to say, a local economy. It expresses itself physically as connectedness, as buildings actively relating to each other, and to whatever public space exists, be it the street, or the courthouse or the village green.”

― James Howard Kunstler, The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of America's Man-Made Landscape

Americans love those old movies and places like Disney world and other parks where small towns are emulated. Kunstler points out in one part of the book, that Disney world has no cars, and it's one reason it's able to push it's idyllic view of community. People harken back to the past, maybe they remember their Grandmother talking about how "life used to be". This is one reason people love to visit the Amish, and eat chicken fried by them in "old fashioned" restaurants. They have a weird fascination with touristy small towns, colonial set-ups, and little farms with gardens. My family used to visit the Amish constantly, was my mother trying to catch glimpses of her old farm life as a child? I'm not much better, I've often found myself wishing I had been born into the Hutterites where there was automatic community. While the religious part and endless work would be hard on me, at least there's community and belonging.

 My mother grew up among 100s of relatives in a small town, where everyone from Germany moved there around 1860. It's ironic to me still that day I was crying because our move didn't work out and I wanted to go back to my old small rural town and my husband didn't. My mother sneered and said, "Why do you want to go back to Hooterville, anyway!". She would mock me for living in the "middle of nowhere".  She had no idea of place or loyalty to it. She took everything for granted she had including knowing hundreds of people in the small town she was born into. 

 It was weird doing geneaology, people don't realize whole families moved from one village in the Old World, and moved to a new small town in the new and stayed for about 100 years. The 1960s is when things started to break up and people moved away from the homestead. When I did Ancestry, all the records for both sides of the family existed in two small towns.  I could literally pluck entire sections of my family tree out of single small town cemeteries with literally dozens of relatives all living in the same place. Life is not like that anymore. "Real" grandpa sowed his oats all over the place, this guy should win some "player" award, but even his homebase was in the same family small town.

As a child, I was moved too much. I got to watch my cousins grow up on a road full of relatives, 5 houses in a row with cornfields spacing them out while we were always whisked back to suburbia out east, or back to the later dying Midwestern medium sized city. They had stability I lacked. I'd get to get to know adults and neighbors in communities, which being such a lonely child probably served a greater role for me than for most, but I would always be moved away from them. How would it would have been to know Mr. and Mrs B as a teen? 

 I am one of those people who does get attached to places, and this goes back to childhood too, when I was forced to move constantly. It sucked to be moved away from everyone I cared about. The roots of life ruination and my feeling of never belonging goes back to all those moves. There were too many friends my parents dragged me away from at the ages of 8, 13, and 17 years old. The era of watching extended relatives all living close together and knowing each other was painful as well.  My cousins got to play together while we were the family that always lived far away--first 600 miles and then later 120. As an adult, being forced to move or moving a lot became a problem, with the boarding houses, the poverty, the time in Chicago and then the small town that finally felt like "home" and being forced to leave there.

People lost sight of what was important years ago and one of those things was community and families [well for the loving ones anyway]. When they switched everyone into economic nomads and destroyed place and community, they loosened ties that fuel human civilization.  When they turned everything into a commodity, it starting making things fall apart. Yes economic trade is part of a community but it can't be everything. Those who rule over us do not want us to have any spontaneous or informal, or close social ties anymore. 

The lives of the kids in one metro Eastern big city neighborhood I spent 1976-1982 in turned out far different then my own. They were far more economically successful and had better educations. Facebook is how I learned how their futures turned out. Dying factory towns in the rust belt of the Midwest didn't offer much for teens in the 1980s. My mother's decision to instigate that move was incredibly selfish. She didn't think of our futures at all.  My father had good jobs, there was no economic pressure.  He became a different person too and changed for the worse, maybe he realized what he gave up. Once I looked up the house, we lived in then, my mother paid for her foolishness. The house my parents bought for $77,000 in 1977, sold for $900,000 circa 2018. 

As an adult I moved too much too, and it was always for economic survival. Too many especially in the lower and working classes, know what's that like. You always have to move or live where you can afford the rent.  The job too determines where you live and how long. The gig economy changed a little bit of the pressures to move for us personally, but for most, moving is something economically demanded. I never wanted to leave the old small town but my husband was not in good enough physical shape for the factories or fast food restaurants, with his education we thought he could do far better. There have been several times, I feared homelessness if I did not make a move. Those who are in a better place economically buy more stability of place and belonging now. 

My old rural town was extremely conservative, but one thing I miss about the place is there was community there, it was almost a throw back to 30 years ago. Of course modern forces worked against it and then later the crash of the 2008 which was rolling by 2004 in that town. I notice here, there's some community but it's not as close knit or the same. Far more people move in and out. What is weird is sometimes in my old small town is sometimes people would tell me, "It's great you got to live so many places, a big metro city out east taking subways as a child, Chicago, and then other towns.." And I would answer, "It's not that great...." Many of them had cousins right down the road, classmates they knew from 25 years ago, and lived lives I could not even imagine. They envied me because they saw their lives as "dull and constrained" and I envied them, for their social ties. 

Someone wrote on Reddit, that they noticed conservatives who tend to be more rural, have stronger family backgrounds, they are the people living among their cousins and with more sedate lives. They have the close knit families. I found that interesting. It seems most conservatives had a family, close by. Maybe this is why they decry government programs for help, they have each other to depend on. There's always someone along their side. Remember I lived in the "conservative" world and it's something I noticed. Many liberals who didn't have the same family ties, knew that without welfare, or gov't programs they'd be on the streets. This is one cultural battle few comment on.

 During my years in fundamentalist churches, I never met a fellow fundamentalist who didn't live among a strong family network. They always were home for dinner on Sunday. This is one reason why family is so strong in those circles. In the second IFB it got nauseating, this IFB was on the edges of town with most living in surrounding rural areas, everything was family focused with the life of the church revolving around those families. The pastor there looked at us with a suspicious look for not having children. He constantly talked about his life legacy and grandchildren. 

 For someone like me, even when I had low contact ties with my own abusive family, it wasn't enough to culturally fit in. I was missing many things they took for granted. I think this is one reason my own life in that world didn't work out. One reason I went into it, was looking for the same stability and connection and it wasn't to be found. My old IFB church closed only two years after I moved away. When I was in that church, it did strongly advance the idea of a "church family", and community and we had some to a degree, but it broke up anyway. 

During my life, I got tired of being the "new person" or always having to "try to get to know people". It got wearying. It did seem every time I made a friend or found a niche or a place to belong, it was always wrenched away. One question why does that happen to a life? I definitely had too many friends die, even ones who were long distance. Sometimes I think these feelings of angst are definitely related to the endless childhood moves and the endless moves of adulthood where my bearings were always on quicksand. There always felt like there was nothing to count on. Here autism may have me hating changes and losses others roll with easier.  Kunstler asked important questions about where society was headed. I'm sure there's a million different stories like mine, of people forced to move, and feeling no stability. 

I don't regret my no contact, it was necessary. Life did improve by a lot without the constant stress and put-downs. It changed life for the far better. This may be one reason I grieve Covid so much, the world was massively opening up to me over those early no contact years and then the door got slammed shut in my face. Time is short with progressive illnesses too. Everyday I wake up and feel like my 50s are being lost.

 I burst out in tears seeing a local 60 something who had her nephew visit, others even without children, had siblings and their families in their lives. There were families taking care of other disabled people in my disability group, looking out for each other. At times it blew my mind. All I had were these selfish people who never cared about me and let me stress this too, I never was allowed to give much to them either from the other side. They always "wanted me gone". They may as well had handed me a letter saying "Move away and leave us alone".  It would have been easier then the fake posturing.

The ostracization existed far more before I went no contact. My family was a product of this culture. They embraced the new materialism whole hog. I saw a change in the 70s, toxic personalities were still there, but things were "different", the narcissists didn't have so much control as they later got. People and places weren't so disposable. I got the feeling among the older generations, there were ties to the land and place, that all eroded quickly. 

I had relatives with Huntington's disease, who were far more disabled and younger then me too. Huntingtons is equal to early Alzheimers, you basically lose your mind and motor skills. It struck multiple uncles and first female cousins in my mother's family. 

 I watched one of my great-uncles unable to walk. Us kids thought he was "drunk" but the adults explained that he had Huntingtons. It was a nightmare disease, most ended up in nursing homes. Once I had to be screened for Huntingtons by a neurologist, I was diagnosed with multiple tic disorder instead, related probably to my autism but they figured out it didn't go through my individual family line. My neurologist even interviewed my mother.  This was ironic because my "stimming" and tics used to elicit tons of anger from my family. Even my brother developed a nervous tic for a time from all his abuse. 

Very disabled people then weren't abandoned or relegated to non-personhood like I was early on. Maybe some were victims of family narcissists in ways I didn't know, but the older generations of family rallied around them as far as I can tell, I am depending on some very old and distant childhood memories here. 

 One painful aspect of LONG no contact which will hit it's 9th year anniversary this June, is realizing no relationships really existed. I was too far away too long. The networks even if neutral instead of negative were dying alone from mere distance and lack of money to travel. 

Distance alone where we had nothing economically or geographically in common anymore probably if they had not been toxic people would have rendered the relationships down to near strangers with a few polite cards. If you have not seen someone in 10 or 20 years in person, do your really "know" them anymore? It's funny my mother never seemed to care about connection to people. She just found new ones where ever she was but she also took all the family and other ties she had for granted.  She never knew loneliness or loss of those they once had in their lives. Narcissists are unaffected by such things. Her siblings never ignored her, the world revolved around her. 

How many ACONS try to replace the family they always should have had, and end up short. All of us who went no contact and some who have had to leave our entire family know the community is the new source to find a "found family". How is this new Covid world going to be for new people who go no contact especially if they bring more lock downs and insanity back?

I feel the losses of community here now, and they are adding up. This isn't always easy to do. I encounter ACONs who say "I am still alone" out here. Part of this reason is the problems inherent to our communities. Human beings were born to have more life long connection then this. Some of us find good friends here and there, online and off, but it feels like we are floating out there too untethered. It really does. I am fortunate to have had a loving husband to be there with me but many don't have that. They are out in this cold world all alone.

One reason I ended up in fundamentalist churches was thinking God would hand me a "new family" on earth. It's one of those promises in the Bible that didn't pan out. I was looking to replace what could not be replaced.  Acceptance worked out better. Maybe this is why all these moving and community losses have taken such an immense toll on me. This is why an old friend and I came to tears over our lives in my old small rural town discussing things on Facebook. She said, "Things will never be the same again." 

They talk about the destruction of family in conservative circles, but that's related to place too. Kunstler goes into this a little bit, talking about how people had to move for jobs and away from everything they knew, and having to sell homes. He refers to  “two generations without a habitat”, and refers to how people have lost a habitat of quality and of belonging. This is three generations now and really began with the Baby Boomers while a few of the WWI generation, left the farms earlier on. He was right about all the people left socially adrift.

My life has outside of marriage and online friends become so socially isolated since Covid began, it's scary. Sometimes I do ask "What happened?" I don't have the normal social ties people take for granted. There's times I am so scared of anything happening to my husband because I would be totally alone in this world. I do still see UU church members, a nice lady in our church brings me food from their vegetarian meals, and others have stopped by in the last 2 years.  That's the only folks I see outside along with two newer friends I met this year. 

I miss all those community connections I used to have. The day in and day out of book clubs,art classes, people seen just being out and about. Zoom's not the same.  People don't realize the damage that has been done to the social fabric because of Covid. The powers that be just want plugged in robots, with everyone having fake friends on the Metaverse, they don't want people who actually talk to one another.  It disgusts me everyday what they have done. You can tell they are afraid of people comparing notes. This is why they censor everything so heavily. 

Maybe the ball got rolling with the Internet. I'm guilty, so much of my connection and good friends now are online. Even with real life local people I talk on line with many more than in person. I noticed a switch over especially with smart phones too. Something seemed to change really fast around 2010. Didn't Facebook come out just a few years before? Smart phones became more common.

Kunstler probably is correct it all began with television:

“The American house has been TV-centered for three generations. It is the focus of family life, and the life of the house correspondingly turns inward, away from whatever corresponds beyond its four walls.At the same time, the television is the families chief connection to the world. The physical envelope of the house itself no longer connects their lives to the outside in any active way; rather it seals them from it.The outside world has become an abstraction filtered through television, just as the weather is an abstraction filtered through air conditioning.”

― James Howard Kunstler, The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of America's Man-Made Landscape

Remember this was written in 1993, now add the Internet to the mix. They captured people's minds and hearts. How do you define reality when they script it from a box or a computer screen, and you are even more blocked from "word on the street"?

I wished more people questioned things here in this town. It's more affluent and it is a trend that more well off people have trusted the system. That worries me for the future especially if they keep wanting to shove poisonous mrna in everyone's arms..  We stay here for medical care and other resources. I don't fit in conservative world with their intact strong family ties and religious views and now I don't fit in liberal world. I've stayed in my UU church, since religiously my views still fit but politically outside of environmental causes and Medicare for All, I'm on a totally different wavelength now. I tend to avoid more political services but enjoy ones on spiritual life, the environment and more. I adjusted things and it's working out. I still care about everyone there even if we disagreed adamantly on vaxxes and this Covid mess. They've helped us, and been there for us. I worry about them all.

My old small rural town has one of the highest vaxx refusal rates and that's a positive to me.. We used to discuss going back, for years but always hit the wall of needed medical care and it being too far away there. I need too many specialists and there they'd all be an hour away.  The hospital is also very limited.  I worry about the economic problems there, anyway. Most people we knew there are now deceased or had to leave themselves. It's sad.  Others were scattered to the four winds not just us.

 Out of curiosity I recently looked at the housing and was in shock their rent skyrocketed there too. Even in the middle of nowhere decent apartments are at the 1,000 dollar mark. The people there are poor outside of the thin sliver of professionals, how are they expecting people to pay that much rent? It's shocking. While money has always been a problem throughout history now money breaks up communities. I'm not sure what's going to happen there. 

I do still plan activities, and try to hold on to the connections I did build, via Zooms, I am planning an art show for next year and went to an art friends online art show, and still go to UU Zooms but the cost to just not seeing people has been hard. I am supposed to run an online Aspie group next week, that I have been attending for a year. So there's still a lot of activities to do. I'm not bored, my health is such there's only so much I can do.

 I see a few friends including two new ones, and plan to visit them soon, but having a life otherwise so devoid of people in person has gotten weird. The old communities and groups I used to be a part of just don't exist in the same way.

Now around here a lot of people moved away. Sometimes it feels like people "disappeared", I worry that they all got sick from vaxx or virus or have sunk into extreme poverty--the kind where even internet access disappears.  It worries me how many people just seem to have gone poof! The isolation has taken a toll on me. Are any of you noticing that?

I do wish Kunstler would update his book, he can get into worsening suburban sprawl, gentrification which is helping to make the rent skyrocket. He could talk about the effect of Covid on everything too if there was space. So many things changed in my life time. How things became more the same as corporations took over lowering the unique flavors of each place. How neighbors no longer had dinner with each other and I grew up watching neighbors talking to each other and how that disappeared. How everyone who could work became overworked and no longer had time and how community events disappeared. The town I live in used to be an active community, an art show, lecture and theatre event every other minute. I used to go to these art events on a quarterly basis. All that got wiped now. I don't think a lot is coming back either. 

His ideas to redesign things are valuable. He's maybe too hard on cars. The elite may take away more freedom making cars too expensive for the ordinary person. Not everyone can walk well. He is correct community has been lost. Even our communities have been built to serve the corporations instead of the people they are meant for. Why don't we have more public spaces? He's right about social isolation and disconnection growing. 

How come whenever I find community it is always lost or ruined? Why do all my friends move away or die so young? Even if I stay in one place, people move away from me then. There's a point where you've had so many hits, you think well something will come to "ruin" this too. Something is wrong, even giving a voice to it is strange because most of the fish swim in water they are used to, and don't notice it clouding over.

I wrote a poem on this moving and loss of community topic, I may share it later. I'm trying to get it published now. My local writing group really liked it. Maybe more people relate then I have guessed. Many have spent their lives looking for "home" and have struggled to answer the question, "Where are you from?"

Kunstler's warnings have all come true. 

The New Authoritarians

https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/news/articles/new-authoritarians

The economic divide between the Democrat-affiliated upper-middle class and the rest of the country has produced a highly insular intelligentsia increasingly disconnected from reality and aligned with corporate interests.

What is dismissed as cancel culture is actually central to the authoritarian project. A new idea (“flatten the curve,” “save Grandma,” “two weeks to stop the spread”) can be introduced at any moment, and if it’s framed as morally necessary and unquestionable, it will receive resounding support from the most well-educated class. This poses a huge threat to society as a whole.

When new moral panics, rigid rules, and speech codes are constantly being introduced, the main function they serve is to test people’s loyalty to the dominant ideology.

As a result of this increased economic pressure, the class war waged by college graduates has become two-pronged. Not only is a nexus of Democrat-affiliated academics, NGOs, and bureaucrats waging a campaign against the “unenlightened” masses, but it is also engaged in evermore competitive intra-elite battles. These battles escalated with Trump’s election, but have reached a fever pitch since the beginning of the pandemic. Thus are woke professionals of all ages advancing evermore extreme positions to oust their competitors and vie for limited spots in the managerial elite. As these positions become more extreme, the people who hold them become more absolutist, cruel, and deeply undemocratic.

Comment from reddit:

The name "laptop class" is slowly entering the English language.

 if it’s framed as morally necessary and unquestionable, it will receive resounding support from the most well-educated class.

Because it's more important to be morally right than factually correct.

*********************

Just the fact these vaxxes have failed so miserably and the pandemic [supposedly] continues, should be problem enough to wake people up. I wrote this on another message board the other day...

We are screwed coming and going, we got the technocracy neo-liberals and then we have the Handmaid Tale, would be Commander Waterfords....on the other.

The censorship alone proves their authoritarianism. Notice how everyone who is off the Fauci/Pfizer ranch is silenced.

One reason I am politically homeless is I reject authoritarianism across the board, so even when leftists do it, I want to throw up. I do sometimes think of the world the upper classes navigate, the whole corporate culture led to all this with blind obedience and implicit belief in a system that rewarded them while betraying so many others. The left has jumped the shark, they are now longer counter-cultural but the mainstream status quo. Don't think this means I am going to run to the right. You realize I was already "in the right" when I was a fundamentalist even though I war protested and refused to vote Republican. I just don't understand why so few see what is going on. That disturbs me greatly. 

The Tweets that Got Me Banned

 

Name the spike protein as a toxin in BOTH virus and vaxx and get yourself banned from Twitter. I will see if the appeal goes through or not. 

Who is "Shaney Wright"?

I remember he was someone who suffered from long Covid. Remember in my case I do NOT deny the existence of Long Covid as I know a man who got sick for months from having Covid early on prevaxx and still struggles.

Here's the second tweet that got me in trouble.

The first two comments are PROVABLE NOW. Less so for sterility but it is a possibility and I did write "CAN". As for the vaxx harming people I know several personally and a few who regret it and there's endless websites online where people are relaying their vaxx horror stories.

Proof kids are getting cardiomyopathy from the vaxx:

SARS-CoV-2 mRNA Vaccination-Associated Myocarditis in Children Ages 12-17: A Stratified National Database Analysis | medRxiv

Vaccines | Free Full-Text | COVID Vaccine-Associated Myocarditis in Adolescent Siblings: Does It Run in the Family? | HTML (mdpi.com)

Clinically Suspected Myocarditis Temporally Related to COVID-19 Vaccination in Adolescents and Young Adults: Suspected Myocarditis After COVID-19 Vaccination - PubMed (nih.gov)

Proof kids are getting autoimmune disease from the vaxx.

Acute-onset dacryoadenitis following immunisation with mRNA COVID-19 vaccine - PubMed (nih.gov)

Multisystem Inflammatory-like Syndrome in a Child Following COVID-19 mRNA Vaccination - PubMed (nih.gov)

Reported cases of multisystem inflammatory syndrome in children aged 12-20 years in the USA who received a COVID-19 vaccine, December, 2020, through August, 2021: a surveillance investigation - PubMed (nih.gov)

There's far more diseases then that but don't want to make the list too long. Keep in mind these were all formerly HEALTHY children, who if they never got this would have stayed okay. Even the risks from Covid were less.

See the series of articles on anaphylaxis.
COVID-19 vaccine-associated anaphylaxis: A statement of the World Allergy Organization Anaphylaxis Committee - PubMed (nih.gov)

It's scary what they find acceptable with these vaxxes. Disgusting. Yes I notice how they repeat over and over how "rare" everything is, but when so many diseases are a possibility, I find that incredulous. 

What kind of insane monsters think that strokes, severe autoimmune diseases, blindness and brain diseases are acceptable risks for ANY vaccine?

Cerebral venous thrombosis after vaccination against COVID-19 in the UK: a multicentre cohort study - PubMed (nih.gov)

Cureus | Autoimmune Bullous Dermatosis Following COVID-19 Vaccination: A Series of Five Cases

COVID-19 Vaccination and Neurological Manifestations: A Review of Case Reports and Case Series - PubMed (nih.gov)

These alone prove my statement that the vaxxes are harming people to be correct.

We have a new scary society now, where no one is allowed to ask any questions, and where everything is censored. I do believe truth will be coming out eventually. One thing to keep in mind every 6 month duration shot is a NEW ROULETTE wheel where all these risks are there over and over again. Someone could get a vaxx one day and then get the next booster and THEN get an adverse effect. Imagine all this over years and years. Maybe someone will be lucky the first 20, and then strike out on #21.

The whole "There's nothing to see here" garbage is horrifying. The truth will come out. Those they tried to silence all these years, I think one day, we will know we were right. I have noticed very recently that all main search engines have removed even more information about Covid and vaccines and censored far more. I used mainstream medical websites for the above, but there's other studies that were harder to get access too.

Think about WHY they took these tweets down, and they've done it with tons of others. Check out Walter Chestnut's website.

Alex Berenson's

All the Censorship is Sickening

 

Hey I figured it would happen. I'm not sure if it's a permanent banning or short term one.  It was expected. Dozens of others I followed including doctors, scientists and journalists who were dissenting got banned permanently. 

 The place is too addictive anyhow. If I go back on it may be time to just read and post less. Remember in the Covid cult, you can be a mask wearer and even worry more variants are coming but unless you are a loyal disciple of Pfizer, Moderna and all the rest, they will shut you down faster than anything. I posted a lot of medical studies a couple days ago, about adverse effects. They have acted so crazed about vaxxes that don't even work, I grow more disturbed. They've shut down honest doctors and scientists and now even in California are trying to make it illegal for any of them to speak out. If that happens nationwide we are all screwed. 

The censorship from the start woke me up from the beginning. I know people who believe it was a hoax from the start, and some who believe there was a virus, and the pandemic is over but they are dragging things out. Others believe that they are releasing new variants from the biolab in succession. My thoughts about Covid, is the virus that can do everything and anything. I think something was out there harming and killing people but don't know what's happening now. I'm still wearing the masks, and living in isolation outside of grocery stores and medical places and seeing 1-2 friends while wearing a mask, maybe around 1-2 times a month. At this point in the game, I don't know one person who has Covid right now. 

The worse thing about this is how people sought to silence people. It's sick. It tells me many people don't even understand what freedom of speech even is about. If I hear that stupid awful "1984" word misinformation aka "THOUGHT CRIME" ever again, I am going to barf. Don't try to pull that gaslighting crap on me, when so much is censored. This includes scientific studies and people talking honestly what happened to them. Some of us aren't stupid. Their clamping down on people talking about medical realities with these faux "vs" is evil beyond measure. 

BTW I live in enough of a small town/rural area to know people are done. They've stopped caring. No one's wearing masks anymore.  Most have just returned to their regular lives. I see maybe 1-3 in the grocery store out of 20-30.  We go during less busy times so those 20-30 I see are spread out people. Most of those masked people are disabled or elderly. What is middle America's reaction to the endless pandemic that seems to have no end or hope of ending? People are checking out. Some with health problems like me, because of the risk of the gamble, still are holding on to their masks and isolation while most of the young and healthier are returning to their lives and groups of people. For those who got Long Covid unrelated to vax injury, people are learning for the first time the invisibility of disability and chronic illness. I doubt they are being listened to any better than the vax injured.

 I don't see people posting or talking about getting the 4th booster, they don't seem that excited. I think many fell away and stopped after 1, 2 or 3. They notice too this isn't ending. They've gone quiet probably hoping secretly their jobs won't try to keep them forced to be pincushions.

 Maybe others like me are shutting off the news for good. I don't want to hear that crap, they don't tell me anything to do my own risk assessment. They leave the disabled out in the cold and the brainwashed disabled seem to shout for more vaxxes and things that aren't working. I've spent life doing more art work and hobby stuff. 

If that one scientist is right about Covid spinning into more and more variants, we are screwed. I hope that guy's wrong. If others are right that the mild cases can turn into long term health problems, we are screwed. If it's all a hoax or has been a hoax, then that's evil too. It scares me how they blame things like myocarditis, and other problems on Covid when that was never mentioned from 2020-2021. In other words the theory is that they are blaming adverse effects from the vaccines, on Covid itself. Well spike proteins do bad things in general? Who knows, but this is more of the confusing mess they made of everything.

Does anyone even know what's going on? Even the scaling back of masks and mandates seems to be part of a push and pull game. Raise your hand if you think there will be another variant that spins off, what's the next letter of the Greek alphabet? Anyone noticing they are offering no hope, no real solutions? They did everything in their power to make it as hard on people as possible.

Maybe it's been over, I haven't known anyone with Covid in months except one distant stranger who worked at a grocery store and several vaxxed with some kind of intestinal disorder/or flu/virus they had. Who's to know, I err on the side of caution, but know truth is hard to find.

It may be good they banned me. I spoke out for a time but maybe it's time to reign in it. I'm sick of thinking about Covid and maybe some got tired of me writing about it. It was important to me to stand against evil. I will still have to do that as it comes, but right now I'm asking about what to do with life. Any real risk analysis is difficult, in this mess. Some people on Twitter told me about nasal rinsing and air cleaning. Some of those ideas may help. A lot of vaxxed people don't seem to have the same health anymore. I have a talent for patterns and let's just say some scary ones are building. Some truth is going to come out eventually, and I don't think it could be long, but I fear WWIII coming in to "cover up what was done". There's nothing like war to "reset" things.

 In real life, I've gone more quiet, outside others in the know.  Insanity rules now and there's no getting through to anyone. The sociopathic elite are going to do their thing, even the ones who are nearly 90 years old who won't be here long to live in the wreck of the world they are creating now. Even though I remain a universalist, I believe we are definitely in a spiritual battle here. What has happened is a battle between good and evil, and well evil is on the rise. 

The censorship made everything worse. It begs the question, "Well what do you have to hide?"