Positive Developments

 

                                  snippet of a painting.

Well beyond the Covid stuff, I am still enjoying time with my husband. I always say to him, "I'm glad we had each other during this crazy stuff." Today, we went to the library and got a cheap but tasty sandwich to eat. Most of our restaurants are closed here but there's a few we can find. He has enjoyed his contract job, the work had meaning to him. My art show will go well too in the spring.. I have more than 16 paintings, I'm not sure if everything will fit, but will put in the best of the best. Some hours were spent in thrift stores, getting frames to match paintings with a would up measuring tape. I like thrift stores so this was an enjoyable activity. There's more work to be done.

I'm pricing the art to sell. Trying to think of names for art work is weird, I'm naming some secretly after the strange things I like to study. Maybe you can guess some of my painting names.  I wish I could show some of the complete art here, but don't want to be doxxed. Whatever doesn't sell in the show, I will put up here later, it will be framed and wired for you. There's a tomato and lettuce still-life painting I'm working on now.  Many paintings are based on photos I took.  The theme is mostly plant based and gardening stuff does show in it. Maybe someone will want to put that one in a kitchen. Another painting is of a small town scene with a sun-set. Some of the paintings are a few years old but there's new stuff too. 

After this art show is done, I may go into more experimental directions with art but I did focus on beautiful things. Peep needs some lightness among the darkness. Probably most here think I am painting apocalpytical landscapes but the opposite is true. My art did get "lighter" as I got older but then I discovered the joys of professional grade paint, which has far brighter pigments. The last batch was bought on ebay for 25 dollars. I'm good at finding the art deals usually. One painting, I want 300 bucks for, I like it so much, so it either sells for a lot, or I'm keeping it. That happened with my old mountain painting, where I told someone 700 bucks or no sale. I'm usually not greedy when it comes to art pricing, I've sold some paintings for 45-75 dollars, but there are those exceptions.

The zine, is still being worked on, yes it is taking me forever. It will eventually be done. I read parts of this book to local people and they seemed to like it. I have to brighten it up so it's not just a doom and gloom tale of child-abuse and obesity horrors. I did write a section where the character gets a hole in one while golfing which is a true story. To have the right tone to such a tale, is not easy.  Its at 220 something pages. It's all in there. 

I'm working on a new illustration project, with the art show, it got pushed back, but part of art show will be displaying a few story illustrations I did for local authors. Tomorrow I have to work on it. I did become more skilled at Paint 3-D which is one reason I am still trying to add to the zine. Simple art programs are better. With the illustrations, they were hand drawn but then altered on the computer. I did learn some news skills these past few years and learned Publisher more to the point I've set up two-three zines for my husband. I do have to work around a lot of physical problems and fatigue, but when there is a little energy, work can be done on these projects. 

My studies of alternative medicine continue, and I want to join some new Zoom groups. My Aspie group has gone well, it's entered it's second year. I have a friend in there I message on Facebook that at least lives in my state and want to go visit when I am able. I do have a lot of commonalities. Most are younger then me but there's a few as old me who joined and even one older lady. I like discussions with fellow Aspies. The disability group wants to start a chronic pain disability group but not sure what is coming of that.

I like gardening, and well, while the garden failed this last year, I think it failed because some very tall flowers were sharing the box, I need to put in a barrier.  Experiments were done trying to grow heirloom which is not bred for productivity. More experienced gardeners with land can handle heirloom but when I made that leap the plants were too stunted and small. Some did turn out like small bokchoys. I'm going back to traditional seeds if I can garden this next year. Physically it is not easy, but I go slow, and sit on my walker while doing it. Soon it will be time to order or obtain seeds.

Recently I read a book by Bono called Surrender. I used to love U2. Bono annoys me sucking up to the elite, like Bill Gates and presidents, but his story was interesting. He seemed earnest and like he had good intentions so maybe just didn't figure these creeps out. His Irish memories of his mother Iris, and his father Bob appear in the book as well as recollections about The Edge, Larry, and Adam. He also talks about different celebrities he met and was friends with and I didn't realize his ties and work with Johnny Cash. I liked Johnny Cash a lot.  Unlike most celebrities he stuck with his wife of 40 years and seemed to treat his now adult children well. In my 20s I was obsessed with U2 and even saw them in concert, the one where Bono handed out pizzas to the people but I was too far back. I can still hear some music on headphones and went down memory lane listening to U2 songs while reading these books. My favorite U2 song was always "With or Without You" but there's a lot of lesser known ones I like off Rattle and Hum and other albums.

Another venture has been reading James T. Ferrell books from the 1930s. Warning they are not politically correct, but I read the Studs Lonigan series and Chicago Stories recently. Seeing how very different life was, Studs had many friends die very young, but how more social and connected life was, was kind of a learning lesson. Most of these books take place in Chicago so I was familiar with all the scenery and where they were at. 

The Eternal Pandemic

 I posted this on Twitter yesterday:

What do we do now? I still can't figure out what is going on. Is it time to return to regular life as my mental health/physical health implodes? Well I can't belabor the fact too long. It sucks seeing the 2020s and my 50s ruined by a bunch of a billionaire assholes. I always used to say psychopathic boomers [there's a few good ones] would burn down the world before they shuffled off this mortal coil and I was right.

With Covid, most people have given up. They've gone back to their lives. No one here wears masks. I watch everyone in my Zooms talk about their endless vacations, concerts, and fun lives. Why am I grounded forever? Why do I feel so trapped? They aren't pissed off like me. Maybe dumber people are happier ones. Hopefully I am not the dumb one. Maybe normal people figured out it's all a hoax and I'm late to get the news. My husband thinks it's real. I shouted one day, that "I don't want anyone to die, but if someone died of Covid that I knew at least I would know if this shit is real or not!" The only 2 people I know who almost died, were both adamant vapers. Too much makes no damn sense. 

I think about doing the same in returning to life. Maybe cowardice is running my show and medical trauma. I thought of consulting a therapist about my OCD affecting my decision making with a touch of germphobia but was afraid I'd get a pro-vaxxer who'd call me crazy. We are so buried in medical bills, I can't afford one anyway. 

Some research says Covid is bad, and everyone who gets it even mildly is going to get brain problems and worse. Some people say it's a hoax and even the lab leak and GOF stuff is all made up. How in the hell am I supposed to know what is really going on. I shouted to husband, "No one I know has died or been hospitalized from Covid for a year and half and told him maybe it's time to go back to regular life". However on the other side, I keep thinking why do all these vaxxed people keep getting sick every month? A lot of them got sick with blood clots, afib etc, but why do they all keep getting endless colds and flus even during the summer? Some dissenting scientists also believe Covid itself diminishes the immune system TOO. Who the hell knows what is going on? Maybe the smart people for the sake of sanity just threw up their hands, said screw it, and returned to regular life. 

Who the hell knows what is going on because I sure don't. I really put effort into finding out. We swim in a sea of lies. Maybe a solution is to check out, ignore it all live normal. My husband has ignored my desire to sell everything off and "get the hell out of here". There's no decent senior housing in this town, unless I want to be crushed by rent for the rest of my life with no money, we probably will have to start over anyhow. Why are we here?  Well we stayed for the medical care and all my specialists and he had a locally based contract job which will be soon ending. I hope he gets a totally non-local based remote job, so our options are wider. I'm helping him with job hunting. So yes, on top of everything else, I have the stress of sliding back down the financial ladder and the prices already have crushed us. 

I cry too much about all the things I miss. One day ranting and raving around the apartment I shouted, "It's like we are living in prison, no let me take that back, there'd be more people to talk to in prison!" I draw up dates to return to normal life. "In March, I am done. Whatever happens happens."

 My husband asks me to wait to rejoin society, he has some recent health problems so I have done so but how long should I go? His health problems could be something really serious.  He's getting tested soon. Yes I'm scared and stressed about it, outside of internet friends and a few decent ones that live a little distance away, he's all I got.

 Life itself is hard enough but added with the rest of this covid crap, its too much.  Maybe we are two germ paranoid old people or maybe these people who have all had Covid 3-4 times [who knows if any of their tests are real?] are crazy. Some are hitting bout #5. An entire family announced it at my UU church on Zoom. I thought no one is wheezing or coughing, maybe they just had a cold.  Are we crazy or are they?

I plan to get my art show done this spring, and a few other things but then I have to figure out what to do with my life and help husband get some new employment. The prices are rising so fast, we may have to make some hard choices about life. Endless stress, why didn't my life turn out? The one online friend I've mentioned before, the happy church pastor is now frolicking in Mexico, no masks having a fun time. Her children who never seem to lack for jobs or money either are producing babies by the bucketload for her.  For these people there is no Covid.

Maybe Facebook just has the rich show-offs now, all the poors dropped off. I post a lot less on there except to message a few awake friends. I would just offend people if I told them what I really thought but on one end, a life of repression and silence sucks too.  Why don't any of the people relate to me here? Maybe they lack empathy? Maybe most are so rich, life really has gone so well for them, they are truly free of all worry. These are the wrong people for me to be around. Don't make the mistake of being a poor person in a relatively affluent town, you may have better health care, a nice library, good cultural stuff, but you will never be one of them. Wealthier people focus on being "positive" all the time and success is very important to them. It's worn me out. I just want to see someone "get real" and bitch for once. It's all walking on eggshells for me. After ACON recovery I stopped being an open book but now I'm the closed book.  This is one reason I'm on the fence with some groups I am in. 

 My "community" ties have proven too superficial to provide any real comfort or support. The international travel frenzy has not let up too, Middle East, Paris, etc. I don't relate to these people with bottomless buckets of money. Even if you have disabilities that show, to be hiding out now means you are judged as a hyponchondriac. Doesn't something seem morally and ethically wrong with going on global jaunts during a global pandemic. Most of these people have children and grandchildren too, don't they need help? 

After the football player dropped and went into cardiac arrest on national TV, is anyone in your neck of the woods waking up about the vaxxes? Have the dummies woken up yet? Around here, everyone is quiet, Covid is the topic you don't talk about on my Zooms. God so much repression. If I do end up moving, or not, I need to find new people to hang out with. I want working class people around me who are willing to bitch and complain. If you are into gratitude lists, leave me alone. Don't even bother. 

Why is the expectation even that we remain "positive" even as the world burns down. Screw that. 

Some of us are watching everything with growing horror, all the mounting death from the vaxxes, and the insanity of leaders who take no action to stop it and still promote them. Some of us fear the worse, but our numbers are rare. Most don't care. One sign of psychopathy and narcissism is a lack of fear, and well as I said before America was a dream world of denial long ago and it's only gotten worse. I've had to hide so many emotions. I will hate these so called leaders/parasites for the rest of my life for unleashing a pandemic without end. They have offered no solutions but deadly vaxxes now killing people. They have offered no treatments, no cures. They have offered nothing but tyranny and bullshit. They have betrayed the disabled and people like me beyond the pale. Our lives were already difficult. If I find out it was a hoax and I lost three years of my life to their lies, I'm going to be even more pissed off. What if Covid even in mild forms is now destroying people? How are we supposed to even know? 

I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of feeling so alone with only a few awake friends and people online to talk to because I'm surrounded by so many people who lack any introspection or critical thinking. Look I'm confused so would understand it in someone else but these folks are so certain and question nothing. Leave it up to the parasites to destroy our world but do it in such a way, all the costs skyrocket and continue.