Monday, May 30, 2016

The Art of Marbelizing paper

Years and years ago during my art teacher days, I did a series on marbleizing paper. I made a boat load of it. I wish I had saved more, I only have a piece or two left in a scrap book. For years it was good stationary even. In both videos they have fancier tools then I had. I used a plastic comb!

We do need Lipedema Rehab Centers

Act On Obesity?

This isn't a bad video explaining some of the problems with obesity, but I think Ethicon may be related to weight loss surgery and bariatric surgeons and seems to be a surgical supply company of some sort. That's kind of sad. Well the weight loss surgeries aren't changing the set points either given the number of people that regain the weight back some years in.

Very True

"You can't "speak your mind" to people who will never hear you."

Friday, May 27, 2016

Too Fat to Toddle

These kids are getting fat and they aren't driving themselves to fast food restaurants or doing the cooking. The really fat kids with ultra-thin parents are mind-blowing. I of course believe this is something that fat camps will not fix and that something else in the environment is influencing this. I think about myself as a kid, riding my bike for hours, 2 hour paper route on a bike daily, carrying heavy newspapers even on weekend mornings and the afternoon during the week, gym class, playing four square, hiking the woods for fun, restricted food to the max with my mother measuring out every portion and STILL FAT, no matter what I did. Some may say "Oh you're the special hormonal Lipedema case" but I see kids like this all the time, fatter then ever, but they aren't lazy, they aren't eating tons of food, they are wanting to run and play with other kids. So is it their fault?

They are all "little piggies" that need the punishment and edicts of the diet drill masters?  They better wake up about obesity and soon, it's not the CICO that will unravel the puzzle. People are getting fatter and you see even worse obesity now in younger people, where I was thin compared to what they are now as a child.

This Cartoon Disturbed Me

I used to watch the Powder Puff girls in the 1990s. I thought they were cute characters though they include some messages in the show I don't think are too good for young people and why did they have to show little girls "twerking". There's some disturbing symbols in this cartoon. Well even the old "devil" character used to creep me out.

  Painbow is a bear that brings a rainbow and brainwashing to Townsville in the new 2016 reboot of the Powder Puff Girls. Everyone gets giddy, happy, "positive" and wants to party.  School lets out, cars crash and society disintegrates. The Powder Puff Girls are mostly immune at first. As everyone's eyeballs fill with rainbows, Painbow the bear comes to brainwash everyone into a rainbow/ almost drug-filled party. The Powder Puff Girls know they have to save the town, but Bubbles and Blossom get brainwashed too pretty fast.

 I felt like I watched a mind control LSD drug trip from hell, even though the surface was "cute". It was Lisa Frank art dialed up 20 times for weirdness and creepiness.  I had weird thoughts seeing this cartoon, with the people going around like "happy zombies",  there's the flying monkeys and the people telling me to pray for malignant narcissists and "be nice to them", and the "be positive" brigade at it with "rainbows" in their eyes. Only Buttercup stands there seeing reality and saves the day punching out Painbow the bear.  The whole acid fueled mess of it all seems creepy. Kids cartoons are getting weirder and weirder, and Powder Puff Girls is nothing compared to the even creepier Uncle Grandpa.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

How to Spot a Hidden Narcissist

I'm working on some new social connections and have focused on the disability community as of late to do so and other avenues.  I've lowered the pressure on myself to "make friends" which is not always easy for Aspies and just enjoying activities for their own sake but have met some new friendly people. A lot of my time is spent with husband so in that I am not "lonely" but feel some new connections would add to both our lives.

In my old town, I was fortunate there, I encountered only a few narcissists but was not close to them so I was not hurt. Most of my friends there were older people, people from an anti-war group I was in, and co-op bookstore and church folks.  Being burned by some narcissists one wants to avoid them. One big important red flag mentioned on my blog before, is the question..."Do they ever show vulnerability?"  The narrator is right that they rely on feeling special instead of depending on people.

This video mentions that and I think it is good way to ferret out narcissists. Narcissists never want admit mistakes, or any sad or vulnerable feelings. Now some people may be shy and take time to open up to these things but one thing to be noticed about narcissists is how they always desire the "power" position. This ties into a second red flag to be warned of, we need to avoid people who do nothing but criticize, criticism of others to me is a sign of a narcissist that in putting others down, it is to build themselves up.

The warning about being put on pedestals is a good thing too. Some of us would refer to this as the love-bombing stage. This happened to me with the catfisher and spy. I should have listened to my intuition that told me she was saying overly loving things when she did not know me very well yet. We don't want to be put on a pedestal because usually later they will knock you off hard, and tell you that you are the worse person on the planet.

Mirroring is another red flag to watch out for.

"if someone is going to feel special by putting you down, ...that's going to erode your self esteem".

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Took the Bus

I figured out my bus problem, I needed to inform them I was an ADA passenger so I could schedule rides a day ahead of time and did, and that worked a lot better! Years ago I took the Dial A Ride in my old town and this one works the same way. It worked out pretty well today. Well now I will be able to get out a little bit and easier during my non-housebound times.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

My Mother's Second Daughter

I had an old school chum on Facebook I thought had no more contact with my sister and mother. I thought wrong.

Yesterday I kicked her to the curb on Facebook, unfriended and blocked her immediately. She probably was serving as a spy too. She was an old friend of my sister and I hung out with her too on occasion in high school.  I believed wrongly her contact with my sister and mother had become very minimal since this was someone I knew in the 1980s and early 1990s. I should have remembered Queen Spiders never leave loose ends.

My sister never posted on her Facebook wall even when I was in contact with her. However my sister's daughter the one who refused to befriend me on Facebook befriended her which gave me a clue something was off. For the old school chum, let's call her Betsy for now, that's not her real name of course.

One of my friend's on Facebook showed me a public post where my mother wrote Betsy, on her facebook wall. Since I had my mother blocked long ago, I did not see this before. This friend wanted me to know that the Betsy was not a safe person for me to be friends with on Facebook. I am glad I saw this though it was painful.

My mother wrote in 2015: "You Haven't Changed a Bit, Oh, you are now my second daughter."

Betsy: "AWESOME, [name of my mother] I've moved up!"

I had some memories return and one of those was that my parents both loved Betsy. Betsy was one of those sunny type personalities. My parents loved her so much that in high school, they would refer to her as their "second daughter". Now consider that, since there was two girls in my family.

Betsy would come bouncing into the room and joke and call my mother and father, her parents.  She would joke about being their daughter. They would hug her, laugh at her jokes and tell her what a great person she was. My mother used to put me down and say "Why can't you be more like Betsy? She is friendly and happy unlike you!" My father would even fawn over her, saying "Betsy is a great person, I love to have her around!" They always had presents and gag gifts for each other. Betsy never saw my parents yell or cuss each other out, they put on the best face for her. My mother would sneer, mumble and complain even in front of a very rich college friend, but when it came to my sister's friends, they were her instant best buddies.

Betsy is a person of low moral character. I always found her dating life weird, she married a man who was 65 years old when she was in her late twenties. Even my mother and sister behind her back later made snide comments about her choosing such old men at a young age. She was infertile but seemed to be wanting to look for a Daddy figure. Maybe a sugar daddy? Anyhow her first husband got older and poorer and she cheated to get a second one, in that she had her replacement so quickly she never had to live on her own as she got divorced and moved in with her ex-husband's replacement who was closer in age to her, but still 13-14 years older. This stuff was weird, but who spends time analyzing friendly school acquaintances online. I didn't have the time.

I believe Betsy is a narcissist too. I have no doubt of this now. You think about someone who writes and supports a sociopath doing a "daughter discard". That is not normal either. These are some sickos. Betsy ironically was close to her own mother who died around 6 years ago. Her wall was full of memorials to loving mothers. Her father died young, but perhaps when it came to my parents, she found like dark soulmates to be at one with. Betsy has never wanted for a job or a dollar just like my mother. She loves to bowl, and is very popular and has the nickname of "Cooter" among other friends.

This exchanged bothered me greatly. I was shaking with anger, and had to talk myself out of more kiss-off letters to various people though I told this one a few things as I walked out the door. No one who has ever known my mother in the last 50 years or met her in a room even once is a safe person and that makes me sad. The plate is being wiped completely clean. When I pondered this situation more, I used to get very depressed when Betsy visited. Today I understand why. I used to think she is so nice, why do you feel so bad around her? Well there's a reason I felt so bad. She had no problem sabotaging me behind the scenes at my mother's direction even many years later. She was a two faced traitor.

I have realized some of the depths of my abuse, and it's hard working my way out out of some of these things. Undoing these decades of damage is tough.  I had no chance being smashed down behind the scenes. Remember this was done in public so imagine what would be done behind the scenes. Socially I feel more uneasy then I did even as a teenager. No contact has changed my personality and it has continued even three years later. The other day, I had the fleeting thought that someone new did not like me, because they were not talking to me in front of a group of people, and geared myself saying, "You must not care anymore if people don't like you!" "It is a trap you must escape!". 

 My mother has been doing anything and anything to crush me behind the scenes, and did it with everyone she came in contact with.  I used to think "Oh I am being paranoid!" to think anyone she had talked to had been poisoned against me but it's true, absolutely true. She talked everyone else into sharing her opinion of me that I meant nothing and was nothing. Her ways of turning me into "nothing" to others were never-ending.

The years of being devalued and invalidated have taken a massive toll, and I know my mother got so many to join in with her, it is disgusting.  Remember Smakintosh's video Familial Sabotage of the Narcissistic Parent? In my case, not one family member, not one family friend, not one school chum or anyone who has ever met my parents or mother was left untouched. I have had over 40 relationships affected, where my mother's side was overtly chosen. Some condemned me for no contact and some relationships were poisoned far earlier. Yes I know that is a lot of people. If I didn't know how narcissists and sociopaths operated, there is no way I could have coped with so many betrayals.

This "second daughter" comment, is more evidence that I did not come out of Queen Spider's womb.

I really was surrounded by evil people.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Disability Pride

This week I went to a disability pride seminar. We were taught the history of disability rights and it was very interesting seeing how many worked to fight for people with disabilities of all kinds. One issue that was discussed was the idea of having disability being part of one's identity. In my case, as far as disability identity goes, there's multiple communities for me, it's not just one simple place of identification having a rare fat disorder, Aspergers and being hard of hearing as well as other challenges. Disabled people can find support among each other and to be frank, it's like the ACON community too on here, where we come together to share our experiences in being there for one another.

One issue discussed was Ableism [the system of discrimination against people with disabilities] and Internalized Ableism, where a person with a disability looks at their own disability creating barriers and confirms negative stereotypes. Disability pride encompasses celebrating one's own uniqueness. We drew posters of ourselves in the middle and our different identities, and aspects of ourselves. I drew in some of my disability "identities" but they were only a few among many which included being a wife and artist. It was a very interesting exercise.

Disability Pride is about the disabled empowering themselves and recognizing what they can do and what they can contribute, and rejects "shame" and the need to "blend in" and conform. There are people out there who still believe disabled people should be hidden away or do what they can to hide their disabilities. They want us silent about our stories and ashamed of being who we are. That is wrong, and it holds way too many people back who could contribute so much to our society. I have brought up the issue of lost talent and contributions in our draconian work world in general but it applies here too.

Disability Pride is also saying one can be part of the community and deserves to be and being able to have access to that community and included in the world.

To be honest the concept of disability pride is new to me though obviously in size acceptance there is a hint of these concepts, in being okay with who you are, accepting yourself and acknowledging who you are outside the judgments and negative conclusions of society. One of my good friends now deceased was in an ADAPT group but I only knew about some of her activism. Disabled people of all kind need a voice. In the group, I discussed how in the 1970s, it seemed there was more of a push to integrate disabled people into mainstream society. In some ways things have improved, where one can see even disabled actors on our TV shows and more but in other ways, things have regressed where people even with minor health problems and challenges who have the ability to work in their case being blocked out of the regular workaday world.

I am getting more involved in the disability rights movement and also in local disabled activities in my community.

Blood Sugar Back Down to 117

Worrying about a problem jacked it to the skies. I ate scrambled eggs, wheat toast and homemade turkey sausage for dinner with some salad. Yes I know that's an odd dinner, the night before. Dealing with Diabetes is like a science project. My CPAP mask may have slid off my face too. Rest and mellowing out helps my blood sugar.

Some People Should Not Breed

This video was all over Facebook where I saw it. [Warning video may trigger, contains abuse] This woman doesn't deserve this little boy and I can't believe she only got misdemeanor charges. It worries me this poor little boy may have to go back to live with this woman. She cussed him out over a phone charger. He is only a toddler! He looks scared to death too as she is screaming and ranting and raving. This isn't just losing a small temper but a total full blown rage-a-thon and beat-down of her little child who is confused and scared. A personality disorder if not worse is probably a given here! If he gets a spin of the foster care roulette wheel it would be better then being raised by that monster.

Some of us will remember being yelled at that way when young, I certainly was, and there was always something being lost, where the narcissists and abusers would scream, "Where is it?" and the whole house would be torn apart and flying smacking hands would come out. What is with the two idiots allowing this to happen while filming it and watching and not stepping in to save the boy from abuse? They should have been arrested too.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Diabetes Will Drive You Insane

I just ate some old lettuce with a half can of cold green beans on it, stripped off some of the leftover chicken making sure for no skin and more of the leftover mini-peppers and a little bit of salad dressing for breakfast. If I don't eat I'll get sicker.  Lately I wish I could just stop eating and save the money and trouble.

There's my Hillybilly Housewife, don't die of diabetes meal. Her food would jack my diabetes into death levels. I know she wants the poor just to eat but it is carbohydrate land to the max. 

Food pantry food SUCKS for diabetics.  My sugar was 158 this morning which is high and bad for me since I am usually at 108-125.  The doctor said if I hit an occasional high one that is okay, so it will happen but it is frustrating this week. I knew it was creeping up.

I am doing what I can. I figured out why my blood sugar was so high, I should have peeled my chicken, and had white bread at a lunch at a disability seminar, and drinking too much V8 juice [from the food pantry] was not good.  It seems they want the poor to eat nothing but spaghetti too and even spaghetti mixed with vegetables as my body really wanted cottage cheese and salad wasn't going to cut it.

 If I get too hungry my sugars go up. Why does food deprivation make my sugars higher? It seems counter productive. Why do I have to sleep 10 hours a night for good blood sugars? It's like I have to be complete passed out for 10 hours. Why does stress jack them up? Why does DOING STUFF, ie, walking around, doing some housework, going to events and being busy make them higher? That one is weird to me. Like the body is saying, you have made me do too much, I am checking out of here, but I don't want to spend my entire life in bed. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Eat Healthy

Don't eat the junk food, it won't satisfy hunger but I always wonder why the most healthy food is the most expensive. Perhaps they can make it cheaper? Boneless skinless Chicken breasts are often 10 dollars or more a package around here too, and it's crazy.  Food costs are getting higher and higher too.

Made Mistake of Asking

I asked a cousin, if they ever had a memorial service for Aunt Scapegoat. He said "No, not yet!" Then I guess he went running to the narcissists, and asked if there was going to be one. He comes back and tells me a certain day in the middle of June. [A time I'd probably be housebound if I was crazy enough to go] with the location to be announced.

I couldn't help myself and said in the private message, "Notice they planned it just because you asked!" He most likely won't respond to that. I told him I wouldn't be able to go and to take care. He probably doesn't realize I'm done with him for good now too. Curiosity got me, and should have just kept my mouth shut. One thing I notice about my family is none of them have any emotions.  I am not imagining the way this cousin treats me in a hands-off manner either. It is a waste of my time to talk to any of them ever again. I feel "slimed" even by the most extended relative.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Warning Against False Forgiveness

False Forgiveness is a Trap with Malignant Narcissists

A True Friend

Thanks to my true friends. :)

When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family II

When Scapegoats are Ostracized By an Entire Family 

This article was written in 2013 and has had over a fifty-four thousand hits. Yes that's 54,000!

I know it hit home with a lot of people. It seems there are a lot of narcissist dominant families out there. It's sad to me so many have faced what I have. This is something I don't want any other humans going through. If you have gone through this separation from family members it is painful. It is like seeing an entire family going down in a jet-liner, the grief is no different. You remember the few good times and some of my memories of the cousins and others were very pleasant, but in knowing there will be no new memories to be formed upon the destruction of ties and your reputation, it can be very painful.

Others of you have faced the same horrible pain of knowing you were a cast-off early on.   Now I have lost the "entire" family outside some very minimal facebook contact with the cousins, and even that may end soon. I'm a stranger to them all any how. I knew this would happen long ago. Even three years ago, I knew in going no contact, there may not be one relative left. You can see even in the first article linked above, I knew what was coming.

 My brother I gave up, I have him on my Facebook, but haven't let him see a post since March and haven't talked to him since I was informed of Aunt Scapegoat's death.  He doesn't need or want a sister, some new furniture and keeping Mommy happy came first.

All the young people are thin and high achievers. There's not one independent thinker in the mix. Uncle Narcissist got his lauded GC daughter an internship in his company. She won't be messing around with milk-crates and poverty. She's one of the chosen. Some Millennials don't rebel at least from this set group. They kind of creep me out. They are all parent-pleasers one and all. So there's no hope there of a young kindred spirit. My dreams of having a connection there have died as well. To be frank that is painful too.

 I have "got to move on". Family or no family. I'm an old woman, and I mean nothing to them. I'm the past not the future to those people.  Narcissists are good at "moving on". They don't care when people die, they just erase them and they disappear like Aunt Scapegoat. Narcissists don't mourn friendships or anything else, they just go get a new victim. Even the family members who may think these narcissists love them, are sadly mistaken, they don't.

If only others would stop shoving "family" down my throat. Mother's Day is a hell-pit for the regular ACON but for the childless a double whammy. Is there a town out there where there's less family life? Maybe out West, people have moved somewhere new. Here they got their third cousins even living down the street from them. I hate the word "family" just with as much vitriol as Henry Rollins hates his Dad. The less I hear that word the happier, I'd be.

If you have lost your family to narcissists, I want you to know I understand. Many of us have gone through the same thing. It doesn't make it less painful but know you are not alone.

If He Becomes President, Can I Move to Canada?

It's weird how Americans are banned from everywhere as everyone and their brother moves here. Canada won't take any disabled people. I am afraid of Trump becoming president. Sure most of our political leaders are narcissists and sociopaths, but this one is such an over the top narcissist he doesn't even try to hide his bad behavior. He's an overt one from the gates of hell.

I am embarrassed that this country sees this guy as presidential material. Hillary is no better though, so don't think in putting down Trump I love Hillary either. Hillary threw any integrity overboard like she was Anna Duggar sticking by a husband who openly cheated on her. And this is who the feminists love? Give me a break. Hillary is a Monsanto supporting crook. But Donald Trump, has this nation gone mad? Are memories that shorts from the 1980s when this guy went bankrupt and became a national joke? Three wives doesn't wake anyone up to what he is about? He outsources his own workers so you think he's going to keep those globalist trade promises? Wake up! He's taking people down sucker highway!

It makes me sick how humans always seem to love and cheer for the most evil guy in the room, and you got an example right here!

Physical Education in the 1960s

Look how much thinner everyone is, even the boys. Look how muscular they are. The other day and I know this is NOT politically correct, I told my husband, "Why do so many young men all seem overweight or very very thin with no muscle structure?" They don't look the same as they used to when I was young.

As I have said, people even the "thin" ones have changed in body shape and stature. People while they are of average or midsized their bodies just do not seem to be shaped the same way as people used to be. The bad food, additives and more are destroying people's health. While the world focuses on weight, there are OTHER health things to be observed.  Now consider this, teens in the 1960s ate cheeseburgers, French fries and milk shakes and smoked too. They weren't all doing Jenny Craig and eating lettuce leafs.

If a gym teacher asked a bunch of teens even of thin weights to do these exercises now, how many would be able to do it? This is one thing that always bugs me, I think about when I was young and still had some vigor, and LOVED to ride my bicycle and hike in the woods for miles, and still my body went so wrong. Health is something people enjoyed for eons and people today just aren't as healthy as they were even when I was young. People are getting more autoimmune and other disorders even if they don't become dreaded fat people.

Speaking of physical education, I do wish there was somewhere I could go to exercise and lift weights where I could afford it. If this society cares so much about fat people getting healthier, provide us some gyms to go to. If we are medically fragile like I am, provide us a place. Physical therapy did help me live longer and draw back from the 2008, you almost need to go on oxygen brink. I do wish there had been intervention for me when I had those early breathing problems and more that destroyed exercise for me. If I won the Lotto, even this messed up, I'd hire a trainer and join a decent gym tomorrow.

Thin Woman Questions the Lie of CICO

CICO: why do we even entertain this idea? It's obviously wrong.

"Everything about my case is unmitigated evidence obesity is a neuroendocrine, metabolic, biological, chemical reaction process that is utterly out of your hands. "

"As far as I can see the strongest evidence for the "eating more" hypothesis of obesity is a moral, emotional, unscientific "hunch" that gluttony is bad and punished by nature with disfiguring obesity. Back on planet reality, it certainly seems true all objective evidence strongly supports the neuroendocrine hypothesis e.g. the slim are slim because they are not fat. The slim literally cannot become obese via over eating, just as the obese cannot be come slim by trying to eat less. When over fed, the thin spontaneously under eat later, tend to exaggerated REE / activity if overfed... basically they cannot be MADE obese no matter what a mad scientist might try do. As far as I'm concerned, the constitutionally thin destroy the entire CICO concept. These humans serve as near proof an increase of caloric consumption need not ever translate to adipose growth. Overfeeding studies as a RULE more or less destroy the idea that over eating causes obesity. If we consistently fail to make the lean obese with force feeding, why would we assume the obese stopped being lean by that mechanism?

Again, in pub med and planet reality, the only way we can make slim people obese is by naturally (or unnaturally) exposing them to the neuroendocrien factors known to cause obesity. Absolutely ZERO are hedonic/moral:

•Insulinomas can make thin people obese, as can insulin provoking drugs (e.g. dopamine blockers, sympathetic depressants).

•Dopamine BLOCKERS reliably induce obesity and diabetes as well. •Sympathetic depressants such as beta blockers , hypothyroidism all tend to cause fat gain/depression but may lower blood sugar (again many hypoglycemics function by decreasing fat oxidation/increasing fat storage).

•Basically anything that can cause permanent fat gain in a slim person, is a factor known to be defective in freely occurring obesity.

  •This is basically anything that GIMPS either the parasympathetic/insulin (anabolic) or sympathetic (catabolic) functions of the adipocyte.

•All of these factors are leptin regulated, but far from absolute e.g. a SNS stimulant still causes weight loss without altering leptin signalling. So do beta blockers and antipsychotics cause weight gain while often raising leptin in process.

  •One thing is certain: overfeeding never, ever, ever, ever permanently increases the body weight of slim people. They generally return to their stable weights after the experiment without trying. The only way to build permanent body fat on a slim person, rather like permanent muscle, is through hormone and nervous system controls. I repeat, the body of scientific evidence and reason clearly suggests obese people are obese because of neuroendocrine dynamics, just as the slim are slim due to a set of different biological actors."

The Keto thing doesn't work for everyone. Some push it big time and hey if it works for you, go for it! It made me ill and jacked up my blood sugars to the stratosphere. It made my faint and my head spin. If I did Paleo, I'd be dead from kidney stones but I am glad this author admits her body works differently and burns off far more calories then I eat in a day. I pay attention to what thin people eat and they are buying candy, sugar, and "bad" stuff at the grocery store. It used to be boggle my mind at church dinners seeing thin people eating pie, cookies, candy and second helpings. This idea that thin people starve their way through life is utter nonsense!

On a Facebook cooking website, that has many thin people posting and showing pictures of their dinners, they have far more food then I do often, including salads and desserts in their daily dinner meals, and it's not all diet food either. I always have said, the super-fat people who can come back from the brink are the ones who do have real eating disorders and binge eating disorders who return to normal amounts of food but if you are fat while eating normally and when responding to actual physical hunger signals and know you can't bear the starvation levels some suggest and they would only sink your metabolism, what do you do then? The fact all the depression medication makes people gain weight sucks. It's one reason I can't take depression medicine. 50lbs gained could be put me in the nursing home. Sometimes I think it was designed to make people fatter more and more. How come they don't have a medicine to make someone thin?

What Do Skinny People Eat?

Something's in the Food....

I doubt a bunch of rural Chinese kids decided to start pigging out and get fat because they are all "overeating, lazy bums.....blah blah blah. As I have written before on this blog, whenever American fast food or food products are imported into another nation, the people fatten up. There's something very wrong with the food. Of course the young people will be blamed as they fatten up like crazy.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Golden Children Analyzed

favoritism: fostering abuse for everyone in the family, and why a narcissistic parent favors and loves the golden child most, and what it does to the whole family

This is one of the best articles, I've seen on the dynamics of golden children.

"A bully golden has been taught how to abandon when it suits him, and if the couple's lives become at all stressful by hearing anything remotely unflattering, they abandon just as their narc parent did. Narcs aren't naturally imbued with care, concern and compassionate responses (except what they can fake); they are used to taking from others, exploiting the services of others, leaving others high and dry in deplorable emotional states often over inconsequentials (not enough flattery, not enough praising, not enough pining, "that look on your face", anything insubordinate) and stealing if they can get away with it. They get off on the suffering of others to win what they want, they get off on delegating the hard work to others in the family (power trip), they get off on the threats and what it does to their victims. Being fair, gracious, good, honest and caring doesn't mean much to them, only insipid pastimes do: leisure, pampering, flattery, status, power trips, gambling of some sort, arrogance, keeping up appearances, and continually comparing themselves to others.

The narc parent has spent their life threatening and punishing others, so the tables are turned by the very child who should have been grateful for having been so adored, favored and spared the punishments. But unfortunately, that is usually not how it works: the bigger lesson the golden took away was not how to be grateful, but how to bully and exploit others to get what you want. Their whole lives are built around it, they have used it most of their lives, and they pass it on to their golden child, and he with his golden child, and so on and so on ... down through the generations"
I told one of my friends once, my mother will be in for it one day if she lives long enough and becomes very elderly. Even one of my best friend's very wealthy mother's became dependent on her near the end. A golden child narcissist isn't going to have compassion, empathy, and care for an elderly parent. They invest themselves totally in this one child, the one they use for supply and to show off with them but sometimes it bites them back in the end.


Mother's Day is Over! Aren't You Relieved?

Some things I noticed about this movie as an adult, is how much Joan lies--they weren't really broke when she got put on a work scholarship and how in "thrall" the housekeeper is even telling Christina, "Your mother loved you very much!" There's a lot of subtexts to be seen once you are educated about narcissism.

Joan Crawford: Training for Narcissism

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Avoiding the Traps ACONs Can Fall Into

One thing is having a lot more mercy on myself for health things and knowing I deserved far better in life. My husband said something to me this week where we were having one of those varied discussions on life and said, "You deserved a lot better." and he was right. I know I deserved a lot better. I have been able to forgive myself for many things others wanted to blame me for that were not my fault. One trap ACONs can fall into is even when we get away, we can still blame ourselves for things the narcissists taught us to. Narcissists never take responsibility for anything but one question we can ask, is why do we blame ourselves in turn for the whole mess?

After I pulled away from the bad health boards, I was thinking about a lot of stuff.  I take more of my own advice and counsel and of my OWN health professionals. Their crazy diets, only would send my blood sugar up. My doctor told me recently I am one of the best diabetic patients he has. These doctors believe me about my eating. I am fortunate for that. They know I am a complex and rare case.

I've stayed alive doing what is best for me, and definitely have pulled myself away for good from diet mongers, fat haters and the rest. They only hurt people with that stuff. It has helped my mental health to steer clear of those boards.  Quit selling me snake oil and bullcrap! I hope they don't hurt other high stage Lipedemics.  This illness is tough enough without people like that in our lives. With the fat stuff, I know they are doing nothing but hurting fat people with their blame and shame games. People with severe health problems have to learn to protect themselves in this world.

Change is now part of my life and I've learned to avoid the advice and lies of detractors and to avoid Fix It Queens, and people who see the disabled as only "charity" projects and someone for them to fix and not accept as a human beings. In the religious world especially, disabled people are in danger. This is not the way God would have it, but wicked people have connected the state of one's physical body to the state of one's soul and worth. Narcissists believe this, and that's another trap for ACONs to avoid. Growing old is natural. Getting sick happens in this world. It is not your fault!

It occurred to me I got to a very dangerous zone allowing people to hurt me over having severe and rare health problems who did not see me as an equal to them.  My upbringing had a lot to do with this.  I was shamed and blamed for a body that laid way outside of "normal". It gave me a dangerous precedent of believing something inherently was WRONG WITH ME and it was MY FAULT. I am now making my way out of this thicket of lies. This lie brought me to severe depression many times. This is a heavy burden being thrown off my back.

 I had some more memories return recently and some things were things I hadn't thought of in years like my father showing off driving us along a dangerous mountain road where us kids screamed in Colorado, afraid we'd be going over a cliff, and another one which was that after I had my weight gain in the late 90s, my mother made sure never to be seen in public with me ever again. There's a reason I never saw the inside of a restaurant or a store after 1994 with my mother in the same room. Even one odd memory came back too, the day she got angry at me for refusing to take little pink laxatives to lose weight, this when I was in the midsized range.  If you go no contact, even years later, things you had not thought of in years will come back to you. Avoid the trap, in thinking this means you are crazy. There's a lot we closed off to just emotionally and mentally survive. I know I didn't want to admit to myself the thing about never being seen in public together.  Some things will come back to you. 

 I'm happier without any of these people in my life. My advice to people is to avoid ANYONE who thinks they must fix you or change you and who does not inherently accept you. That includes relatives too.  This has been a big lesson for me in my recovery process. It has given me more strength of will too and more self-acceptance as well. ACONS often are brainwashed by a narcissistic parent who makes them feel like they have to walk through life pleasing and impressing others just to be given permission to exist, but it is something we can break out of successfully. This is a major trap that ACONS can fall into. Tell yourself, "I can be me and I don't have to work to "win" anyone over."

I was able to walk a distance yesterday I couldn't have done even three years go. I don't know what I weigh right now, but will find out in July when I see the kidney doctor. My husband did pick me up on the way back, but some of my mobility is better. My leg is mostly healed now. We watched a parade it was fun. We discovered this  new taquiera, where I plan to get some salad and soup at next time I eat there, and it's cheap and tasty. This week, there will be a nature center visit.  I'm adding more comic panels to the comic. It's at least 130 pages long. It's going to be a big zine. After the comic is done, I want to do more art work for another "outsider" art show. I did try to start with this other person an autism group, I hope some other Aspies show up. I did at least meet one other local Aspie. I am also getting more involved in local disability groups and next week plan to go to a "Disability Pride" seminar. So during my non-housebound time, I've been able to do a few activities. I concentrate on enjoying the aspects of life I can while I can.

Mother's Day is hard and can trigger but now the good days outnumber the bad ones now by far and time is healing things too. Despite the cruelties of detractors, ACONS have to go through a grieving period beginning at the time they break away and for each person it lasts a certain period of time and one's time in needing to heal can vary. I am only coming out of the grief now, and I can tell I am living life in a different way now, trying to look to the future, and enjoying time with my husband. Here is one trap for healing ACONs to avoid, avoid people who don't have patience with your healing process, get rid of them. They will only hurt you. Avoid "friends" and others who are against your going no contact. Some even close friends will shock and dismay you choosing your families side. Some you may even discover as narcissists themselves as you wake up and come out of the fog. I did lose SEVERAL friends while in the going no contact process. I got rid of two more played "Fix You" Games too. As an ACON changes, and learns about narcissism, it will change many relationships.  I want to thank the friends who stuck by me too. This is make or break time for friendships, they will either grow stronger or end all together. The friends who were vulnerable and had kindness were the friendships that lasted.

We are left with this feeling of "try harder" and one will be loved, but that's a lie, and a sure way that will lead to more unhappiness and rejection. This is something I am changing. Sometimes I go places and think just be relaxed. You don't have to worry about what anyone thinks anymore.

With a few extended cousins, I have some Facebook contact with them, but it's grown more limited and it's just like old classmates I haven't seen in 30 years. I don't trust my brother anymore.  All of them are too indoctrinated by my mother and Uncle Narcissist. One can't form real relationships with people who seem afraid of you or always like they have "said too much". There's nothing there. With my brother it is clear he has chosen my mother's side and her money.  He joins in with all my mother's opinions without fail. You can read the multitude of articles where I tried with my brother on this blog.

Don't fall into the trap like me of thinking I could win a few relatives over and away from the narcissists.  I lost the majority already but vied for the few and failed! I got into this mode where I thought if I show them how much I care, they will accept me and I can have my own relationships with them independent of my mother.  This was not right thinking and right now I am working on the part of me who wants to work so hard to "win" people over knowing it is a waste of time and effort. I thought if I told them what happened and about the lies, they would care and take my side. This was a lie I told myself because I did not want to face losing the whole family.  I failed.  From what I have seen and this is my personal experience, the way narcissism works especially  it's extreme and when they are numerous in number in a dysfunctional family system this is a project doomed for failure.  

I think this is happening to a lot of people where they have lost families due to narcissists. There's something in human dynamics where narcissists seem to suck all the air, energy and love out of a room. They tell people who to love and who to hate and people follow along.  If a scapegoat breaks away, the narcissists will focus like a laser on the few stragglers like a sheepdog herding sheep to make sure another one doesn't break away. 

So in addiction to this, in the ACON no contact healing be careful of one trap. That's a trap scapegoats can fall into where we blame ourselves for failed relationships.  Why do we blame ourselves for these relationships gone bad? I did try hard as I could. I know being disabled for so many years, I got left out more and more. No room was made for my health problems. In today's world, lose your health and people speak of even losing mates and best friends, I didn't lose those, but I lost the family to that too and the narcissists. Narcissistic American society is not kind to the ill. We do take a little more time. Sometimes one has to put a walker in a car or help someone with a ride somewhere or make allowances. Not all people want to do this, not even relatives. People make their choices, it's not for us to control.

Another trap to avoid is the family first stuff that seems to be growing in American society.  Find circles of people to socialize with who may be less family oriented! An ACON who goes no contact is almost seen like a monster to the family first or else people.  It's hard because so much of this world functions on "families" and if you do not have a "family" it is a strange place in this world. I think "family" is shoved down too many people's throats. This can be worse in more conservative parts of the country. There were times when I wanted no reminders of family life or of being child-less and it seemed the world would not let up. People discussed family members like they were collections. They spoke of their sainted mothers and close-knit siblings. Too many of an ACON knows what it is like to sit there and keep one's mouth shut on purpose as various family networks are bragged about. For ACONS who have their own families and children or who had a few intact family relationships left this may be less of a problem but for those left without families, it can be an issue.

 On Facebook, families are presented constantly in bright shiny forms and becoming bragging rights to so many people. I see so many family photos of tight smiling people all lined up in a row, it's crazy. It's even worse in Christian circles, where everything is focused on having a family or being a mother.  Which is even stranger since Jesus Christ never had children or married.  I just wanted to be valued and honored for being a human being on my own without people wanting to constantly measure kinship ties.

I wonder if others feel like I do like family itself has become another bragging right and families themselves have become new idols.  I think this is happening to a lot of people where they have lost families due to narcissists. There's something in human dynamics where narcissists seem to suck all the air, energy and love out of a room. They tell people who to love and who to hate and people follow along.  One doesn't need a family to be a valued human being. The world will tell us this but it's not true.

There are some of the traps, I have worked my way through and am presently working on. I hope this article can help some people. Tell me what you think. 

No Memorial Service for Aunt Scapegoat?

I know I'll break my no talk about the "family" rule on occasion. Sorry, today I can't help it. Was there ever one? I don't want to talk to any of them to ask.  Either my theory was right that they would never have one citing "busyness" or my brother told my mother things I said and I was not invited.  I was told it would be in the spring and the "spring" is almost over. Perhaps her Memorial Service got cancelled for a Trophy Child High School Graduation day?

It's like she was whisked away and forgotten about instantly. No one mourned her except maybe a couple cousins. I used to say to people, even as a child, people die in my family and are forgotten about never to be mentioned again.  Remember narcissists only deal with the here and now. They "move on" instantly, nostalgia and mourning aren't their bag. For people who look only at status, I guess to them certain people don't deserve a funeral or any notice.  There's baseball games and beer to drink. Banned from the family plots is bad enough, but no funeral or memorial service? I'll amend this one if it turns out I'm wrong. It's good I walked. It is what would happen to me if I had not walked. Dishonored even in death.

Aunt Scapegoat Has Died

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Articles To Get ACONs Through Mother's Day

Mother's Day or Egg Donor or Would-be/Adoptive Egg Donor's day is not an easy day for ACONS and others to deal with. Hallmark and pals all lay the guilt on. For some who are no contact, Mother's Day can bring on the guilt and sadness. For an ACON it is the day of dead dreams and the mothers that never were. Tomorrow, I plan to rest and enjoy the day, but have had a few years to get used to non-observance of Mother's Day. Try and have a good day nonetheless.

When Mother's Day Hurts

A Toast to All the Brave Kids Who Broke Up With Their Toxic Moms

Mother's Day and Your Narcissistic Mom

Mother's Day Melancholia

Double-Meaning Mother's Day Card

Friday, May 6, 2016

Our 18th Anniversary

My 18th wedding anniversary is this week. We have been together a total of 22 years as of April 29th. That is a long time. We are one of the longest married couples we know. Marriage does change with age, how can I say this, you grow together. We have had our good times and some major struggles too but as time went on, we grew closer and closer.  The last few years we entered even a new period of closeness that is hard to describe how it all happened but it did. I love my husband very much.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

They Want You To Feel Like You are Never Good Enough

Joan covered this topic:

The Challenge of Being Enough

And I wanted to as well....

"So just by realizing that it is foolish to even think in terms of trying to impress the narcs in the world. It really don't matter to them.  To have something very impressive is ok, but only if you want it.  Not because you feel forced to keep up with this crazy society.  To me, some money in your pocket is much better.  But some people buy and buy and buy, and they live stone cold broke with good money, where they could live well.  Just to impress, I don't know, but all this stuff, to me. is meaningless."

One main difference between normal people with consciences and the narcissists, is the narcissists think they are perfect. They don't worry about people liking them, or being approved of.  Often they are setting the standards now by how people are being measured in our crazy society.  Joan is right it's a competition to nowhere. What if this stuff is meaningless to you as a person? It is to me. 

Grow up as a scapegoat where your faults are always shoved in your face night and day, and be unloved and told you aren't good enough over and over, what toll does that take? It sets us up to live a life where we are always worried about pleasing others and some self appointed powers instead of ourselves. 

 Even now as I try to meet people sometimes I still slip into the people pleasing mode. Being fat in this society too adds the pressure to "be more than" with the taint of being told you must make excuses for existing at all. I believe if I can break out of this, it will improve my life by quite a bit.

 Others are quiet and not busy with smiles or having to try so hard. Sometimes I think just go somewhere, "Don't try. Just be there. Don't bother cloaking or trying to appear like an outgoing person." Why must I always worry about the feelings of everyone else in the room? It's time to worry about my own feelings. Seeking approval is the surest way to bring the predators out. How can I get to the place where I can just be and not worry about "being somebody"? I am trying to retrain my mind.

People who had loving families have a foundation that was secure. This is lacking for the ACON recovering scapegoat. I thought about this, how they were loved just for being.  They didn't have to bring narcissistic supply. They were worthy for just being a human baby. They were loved. They didn't have to constantly bend over backwards or seek to impress. They could just be. This is a secure foundation that can build a lot better life and better relationships with others.

How does one replace that? I believe if I had not found love early at the age of 25, I would have died. I remember thinking in my early 20s, I can find someone who loves me. I thought at the time, "He is out there." I know that sounds weird. It helped me not give up.

One bad thing about this not being loved, is it can impact one's relationship with God. I know intellectually and faith wise that God loves me but do I feel it? Not always. There's times I feel like God hates me or has the same rejecting attitudes towards me. After Aunt Scapegoat died, I have been struggling.  This is a bad thing for a born again Christian to admit, but it has happened. Here I have to depend on God's Word and not places my own mind goes. ACONs can struggle spiritually, with parents telling us we were never good enough, where even God Himself is only seen as a severe judge and never as a good loving Father. Even the churches are imposing society's rules on more then God's. Remember Jesus Himself warned of the oppressive burdens of the Pharisees as a weight on everyone's back. I'll take God's demands over a bunch of narcissists.

I know to survive, I have to stop listening to people who focus on my faults or what they perceive as my faults. My happiness gets destroyed when I am told, "You are not good enough" over and over. Its time to bow out of the contest. Who are we all competing for to be the richest, and thinnest? The devil? The corporations that just want to make money as we people buy things to fix imperfections? I took a beating at some of those Lipedema health boards, shamed again as the supposedly "overeating" fatty that doesn't want to put the effort in. I get the feeling there's low stage Lipedema women there who all think they are scum for not being thin and "normal", A 500lb person can't take on that sort of baggage especially with people who aren't disabled and have near normal mobility.

 In the family, I took the mental beating for years as the "loser" that didn't make enough money, and was too fat, and "weird". I think of the people where there's been severed relationships with. The catfish even acted like she was better then me and had "all the answers" but according to her story she was totally bed-bound and couldn't even walk, how does that work? You're more messed up than me but supposedly you have all the answers and can tell me what to do think, do and be? That goes for some others who judged from on high but who had serious, serious problems of their own. Even with my family judging me, I didn't choose to get these diseases, or for people behind desks to do thumbs down on my husband. Some of them even for all their money were really messed up with eating disorders, and unfaithful relationships and supposedly I'm the one with all the problems because I'm fat?

 I got another "dead card", this one wishing me a "very happy anniversary". I just read them and toss them now. There's no real relationship with someone who just looks at your faults, and believes they are perfect. When a relationship has no vulnerability in it or any true sharing, then there's no relationship. In one way all narcissists are strangers to everyone. No person inside. The creeps on those other blogs all making excuses for narcissists, all act like they are judge and jury too. Like they can determine people's growth. Who made them God? I see people uninterested in growing at all. They boast of their evil deeds with glee. One of those main bloggers is hanging out and supporting a blog where psychopathy is CELEBRATED. They support a blogger full out who loves being a psychopath and has embraced the "condition". How is that growth unless Satan is your director?

 I remember a woman too who took a jaundiced eye at people in a support group and said, "People here have not grown". Her life history was far from perfect. She boasted of professional jobs to come. Well I already had some in my 20s. She looked down her nose at me. Be careful of the self-appointed gurus who claim to have all the answers or who think they are better then you. I don't trust the jerks who speak to me of "personal growth" and who have claimed they are shining stars of it. Often you are looking at narcissists.

"Ill never be who and what they want" and even if I lost all my extra weight or got rich, etc, it still wouldn't be good enough and now I'm pissed from being put under constant measure. I'm sick of it.  I sometimes think of these requirements I'm under. All numbers. Perfect blood sugars? Well being up for two hours in the middle of the night to help my husband fix a computer problem meant a messed up blood sugar this morning. Not losing weight? Well the fridge is full of boiled eggs, vegetables, lean proteins, and boxes of salad greens and I'm staying fat. Other numbers denote bad credit, piling bills, and money that is always lacking. We have become a society enslaved to numbers. The bean counters don't just bury our wallets in the numbers now they want your soul too and they have many people's souls. The narcissists love this stuff, after all they are the ones who have helped to set it up!

They are beating people with the measuring sticks in society. The mostly a-religious society that has turned perfect health, finances and house decor into a religion. Measure up! There's a reason so many reality shows have THREE JUDGES judging cooking, clothes, and songs. Just like the Inquisition, with three judges saying "Yes or No". "Please like me", we see so many on TV exclaiming. Rebellion has been beaten out of the human populace. Even in Hunger Games, they still played the game instead of saying "NO".

It's living life under the endless expectations, that instead of being based in the true desire for someone to have a better life are more based in oppression. Having things expected of you, that you cannot do. People who are sick in this society have to learn to say no, or we will die. They always want more.

As I wrote to Joan,  this society has gotten so judgmental. Everything's a contest, and we always have to worry about doing everything "right" and no one gets to enjoy life anymore. Even fun itself and living life has become a contest on Facebook, to compare who has the happiest life. The powers that be have made everyone into scrurrying around, scared slaves, who think "we are never good enough". I see it all around me. What's so perfect about these false judges? Do we want to match the celebrities who while they seem to have it all, like Prince, always seem to die young of drug abuse and other problems? Maybe in their case, they get hooked on drugs to keep the fast pace going. Human beings have their limitations.

Life has become a big show-off instead of people living just to live. This is how narcissists live. Do they really enjoy their money? As mentioned by Joan, no they really don't. Most sacrifice everything including integrity for it. Narcissists never can just take a look at art, or a bird or enjoy those things. Those are things that take one away from producing and the achievement treadmill. I watched narcissists who made far more money then me, never have any fun or enjoy any of it. So if you decide to compete, realize what you are getting yourself into!

Vacations seemed more taken for the pictures and the telling rather then the experience of it all. Nature does bore them. What's next, they ask? They are always running from one thing to the next. They exhaust me. They get bored by hobbies and things you have loved for an entire life, and preach "Move on!" "Grow!" "Compete!"  They get out the spreadsheets and compare numbers.  They strap on Fibits and feel proud. They measure their pounds lost and compare credit scores. God, they are boring!

It creeped me out how my own family never understood my art or things I liked. My enthusiasms bored them as I was not adding to my status or theirs. I've noticed with the Trophy Children phenomenon,  it sure brings a lot of conformity. Breeding itself made a contest in the land of the supposedly free. Are any millennials rebelling against the system anymore? They seem to want to fit in at all costs. That worries me.

There's no art, no soul, no beauty of the sunset. What are their brains filled with? They don't appreciate anything. All they care about is the contest. The winning. What do they win but a vacation to hell and a dead conscience?

So what use is the approval treadmill to me or you? No use at all. 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Sadly Humans Choose Status....

Is this true? Maybe for many narcissists in a narcissist society.

When you see someone always defending the wicked and higher status people and never the underdog Run! It is interesting to see who people identify with. Many ACONS will attest that especially for scapegoats we were left standing alone as our families and others all sided with our abusers. As I have written here, I have had to part ways from my entire family. Why? Because they sided with the narcissists. The narcissists have money, status and power. I do not. This is a reality of this world. I've seen too many siding with those who have status to not know this a reality. My status in American society is very low, and many treat people according to their status.

Sadly there is something implicit in human beings where they desire to side with who they view as being the "winners" and holding status. 

There is a reason the most sociopathic rise to the top, all we have to do is look at who may win the presidency to know this is a sad human trait.  The power man, the one who has vaniquished his enemies by hook or crook who has shown the most toughness and obtained the top of the pyramid is the most respected. Once I had someone claim who is out of my life now, that I denied narcissists their humanity. Which is odd, since I gave one main narcissist time and time again to show me some humanity but never got to see any whatsoever.  Do narcissists worry about humanity as they climb to the top? Whey are so many invested in assuring me they are soft Teddy-Bears? When I presented art projects for my main narcissists and vied for their love and acceptance, wasn't I searching very hard for the humanity and supposed "niceness" inside that others assured me was there?

Whey are they to be given endless chances, excuses and more? It is interesting to me how most go running to defend narcissists. My theory is that they hold higher status, and there is some kind of implicit biological or other element in human beings, one we would hope would be over-ruled by a moral element where the narcissist often comes out on top. How many times do we see narcissists run rampant over families, organizations. How do they obtain this power? I believe it is status-driven. 

 We live in a society where hardness, coldness and wickedness are honored and defended first. People lie to your face and think nothing of it.  Mind games will be played on people who try to tell the truth about narcissism and who speak out against evil. How do you think narcissists earn so much loyalty and stand out on top? It's status. For those of us who write about narcissists, and who are scapegoats and ACONs who got out, we are questioning the entire status quo. Some don't like this.

What do you think of these theory?

Matt 20:16 So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.

After the Biggest Loser: Their Bodies Fought To Regain Weight

After the Biggest Loser: Their Bodies Fought to Regain Weight

When will they finally admit dieting fails? 

"The results, the researchers said, were stunning. They showed just how hard the body fights back against weight loss.

It is frightening and amazing,” said Dr. Hall, an expert on metabolism at the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases, which is part of the National Institutes of Health. “I am just blown away.”

It has to do with resting metabolism, which determines how many calories a person burns when at rest. When the show began, the contestants, though hugely overweight, had normal metabolisms for their size, meaning they were burning a normal number of calories for people of their weight. When it ended, their metabolisms had slowed radically and their bodies were not burning enough calories to maintain their thinner sizes.

Researchers knew that just about anyone who deliberately loses weight — even if they start at a normal weight or even underweight — will have a slower metabolism when the diet ends. So they were not surprised to see that “The Biggest Loser” contestants had slow metabolisms when the show ended.

What shocked the researchers was what happened next: As the years went by and the numbers on the scale climbed, the contestants’ metabolisms did not recover. They became even slower, and the pounds kept piling on. It was as if their bodies were intensifying their effort to pull the contestants back to their original weight.

Mr. Cahill was one of the worst off. As he regained more than 100 pounds, his metabolism slowed so much that, just to maintain his current weight of 295 pounds, he now has to eat 800 calories a day less than a typical man his size. Anything more turns to fat."

Some ACON Poetry

I know I'm breaking my don't discuss them rule indirectly here, but I'm sure those times will come up.  Most of these poems were written a few years ago about the time I went no contact. I wanted to share them. Sometimes I write poetry on different subjects. This was a few times the N family came up.


Empty People

I'm surrounded by empty people
reporting the input
no output from within
all copies of their popular culture
of their choosing
of their class
of their year
situation, looks, sex
empty people
cruel people
that hurt with nasty words
smile at the right movements
difficult circumstances
didn't build character in this case
but tore what little there was down
Empty People
they want to be filled
and it won't be with me.


Adult School Yard

I am stuck in the adult school yard
and It's just like the kid one
I had hoped it would be different
[no friendship or fun times]
Everyone seems to have an ulterior motive
The Adult School Yard has it's share of games
More than you ever could hope to play
......"screwing over for money"
......."lying for manipulation"
......."jockeying for compliments"
......."kings and queens of the dung head of money"
......."who's fooling who...."

I am sick of it all and don't want to play anymore!


Mother II

She would say my laugh annoyed her
And that my arms were too long
And that my feet were too big
And that my butt was way too fat
And that I got in other people's way as
She would grab on to an arm and pull
To always clear the way for a stranger
And that I didn't know how to clean
And hours and hours of housework
Would be considered a failure
If one plastic drinking cup
Was missed in the sink
And that my hair, room, car
were not neat enough
And that I talked too fast
And that I snorted too much
And that tics are only an excuse
And that I cleared my throat too many times
Allergies or not
And that I must dress like her
Never wearing a dress until I was 20 years old
and now I wear nothing but
And that I didn't know how to talk to people
And that my personality was all wrong
And later I smiled too much
And those friend's didn't really care
And then I thought nothing will ever be good enough
Whatever happened to happiness
And I woke up and said, "Screw being perfect!
I'm too tired and I am done! and
 I walked out.


Keep Them Obedient Under the Lash of the Loans

This is one way the elite keep the young from speaking out especially in terms of the economy and the way the work-world operates. I don't agree with Noam Chomsky on everything but he is right about the student loan debt-slave system that is growing.