Sunday, August 31, 2014

Their Evil Behavior Means Stay Far Far Away!

Self respect in this life can come at a cost.

For me the cost is a possible 6 figure inheritance, and having relatives to visit with, talk to, see and be part of my life.

However if the other option means being a "worm" for the rest of my life. Forget it. 

I do not want to be abused anymore, looked down on or trashed. I would rather be alone. A friend today told me that I am going to lose my entire family given the path I am going down, and she said, "Do you want to be alone?" I answered, "Yes I would rather be alone." Does that shock some here?

I am being punished for my "rebellion" against the head narc. The smear campaigns are worse then I ever imagined they were. For years I suspected I was hated and disliked even by the ones who smiled in front of me. Well the veil got ripped off a few more recently.

How could I explain to outsiders, that I had to go "no contact" with my entire family without them thinking I was the crazy one? Fellow Adult children of narcissists who have had to deal with a sociopath's destruction of their life do understand.

I told you the story about the aunt, where my only sin, was to ask, "Why did you lie to me about sending pictures and what is the big deal about sending them?"

One thing about narcs, is the slightest challenge will invoke their rage, that aunt hung up on me, but later on she sent her adult daughter who lives with her, after me.

She called a second time, with odd things to present, saying "Are you going to swim in the lake?" over and over.  I live near a lake. It does not mean I am rich, but she fixated on it like mad. I had written her cards after an illness and talked to her on the phone a few times though I mostly spoke with her mother and we got along well, or so I thought.  The way she said it, it almost sounded like a threat like when mafiosos talk about going to swim with the fishes.

She was extremely hostile and angry. She went into this litany about how disabled people are all bums, and basically told me I am a "lazy ass" who can sit in the house all day. "I see these disabled bums at counters hanging out here!" and screamed about how she has had to work hard all her life "All I do is f**cking work!" and how great I had it laying around the house all day, by a lake.

The jealousy was extreme and psycho. I should have hung up. Add two more to the NC list!  I stood up for myself but then she went off topic screaming about how the rest of the family had cast her away. I told her this was wrong. She is a poor factory worker and did not achieve their social standing either. Funny, I doubt she was screaming at any of the narcs. She too saw me as the target to unleash her anger out against.

I reminded her that I had been around and asked her how she was after a work accident which quieted her down some. The odd thing is she screamed about my mother and how dare I question her too. She responded to me, "I don't care about sides, your mother has plenty of pictures." I retorted back, "How am I going to see those as I am no contact with her?" This told me my mother had complete control and manipulation of these two from nearly a thousand miles away. I also suspected strong where all the attitudes about the disabled came from too. I could hear my mother's voice, when she called me a "lazy' and a "bum" for being disabled. Also one asks "What are they hiding to protect photos like they are in Fort Knox?"

Her calls will be screened and ignored now. I get the feeling she was sent as an enforcer of sorts, to shut me up for daring to question her mother even in the most minute of ways. This was ripping off of a veil of sorts in realizing these two who otherwise had been polite to me but defensive of my mother, hated my ever loving guts. I plan to go no contact with them. Our contact had been regular but they live far away. These were the relatives where the granddaughter of the mother of two had not invited me to her wedding. Before then I had no disputes, no nothing. I had not disagreed with them on anything either before outside of my aunt's telling me, "Your mother loves you!"

Then my brother, ignored my birthday. First time ever for him. I don't expect a grandstand band or even a card, but he would call or at least write on a social website always before. Recently I have noticed a pattern that every time he talks with my mother on the phone, he avoids me like the plague. This time to even ditch my birthday.

I wrote him on a social website, and said, "Hey did you forget my birthday?" so I got him to talk to me. I got the "I was busy" excuse, and he went on to tell me my mother was coming from out of state to visit him for the week. He told me, some of what she had told him, that she had sent me a big check--never saw it and she told him she had drove by my apt building and seen my car there. She basically presented herself as the martyred ignored mother to him while telling him lies about sending me a large amount of money and other things. I told him "Do not believe her lies". What else could I do? Even there I know I will be thrown under the bus. He planned to come up this fall which tells me she is going down there instead to isolate me further and turn the 5 years since we have seen each other now into 6-7 years. I don't know if I will end up going no contact with him but it is looking very probable. The relationship is on the edge. I will see if he stands up for me but I expect to be disappointed, he will choose the side his bread is buttered on.  She poisons minds against me so effectively.

I am realizing how bad the smear campaigns have been and for so many years. I am realizing how very hated I am beyond the pale. I am realizing many of them are horrible people with violent tempers. The cousin frightened me, I went into "Cool down the Crazy" social worker mode which I can slip into from my past work when I should have been hanging up the phone. I sometimes find myself having thoughts that these people want me to get back in line no matter what. I also know she is conducting smears against me behind the scenes to the extreme. I have to watch my back and I do not think I am paranoid to think other revenges could be sought.

 This has been hard to take and recently I have gone into a kind of quiet funk where I do not feel like socializing at all except with closest of friends.  My husband has been supportive of me and extremely shocked and dismayed at their odd and scary behavior. He does not understand why my father's family would follow the dictates of my mother so unquestioningly.

 I have grown more suspicious that they are hiding something from me or that I am adopted. I think they are terrible people with little honor or kindness. When away from here and acouple discussion boards online, I am trying to clear them from my mind, but I still keep thinking, "What in the hell happened?", "How did it go so bad?" and "What should I do?". I feel scared even leaving the cult still and by the way some of these people have acted, maybe there really reason to listen to some of those emotions. I am going to stay away from all of them. I can't take it anymore. I am realizing too the bad ramifications of such severe abuse and what it did to me on multiple levels. Ollie Matthews was right about getting away from anyone who has a relationship with your narcs.

 Even with my father's relatives, saying such nasty things about disabled people that did not come out of no where. I am the only disabled person in the family. There is no empathy in my family. I am seen at fault for every health problem I have ever had, and they all believed her, when she called me a loser and being a malingerer. My disabilities from hearing impairment, breathing problems and more were used against me.  Years ago when I first applied for disability being in and out of the hospital, I told my mother, and the first thing she said was, "You want to be disabled so you can lay around the house and just eat?". I can hear her voice through these others.

I suspected long ago this is what was going on, and now I know for sure it is. It is scary when you are forced to face such horrible things. I don't have a family and never did. I am NC you know with 20 people now, two more just got added and one soon to be. I hope people can understand how extreme of a situation I have faced.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Not A Fan of Feminism

One thing I have noticed is most fat activist announce they are feminists. They call themselves that on the Fattitude trailer.   I am not a feminist as defined today.  Yes I know the definitions have a wide range. Call it traditional Christian values interfering or whatnot contradicting with feminism. I won't get into the personal religious reasons as to why I find modern feminism distasteful but will share with you my other reasons.

Here is a caveat, I do not think men should lord over women. I do not agree with patriarchy movements. I do think fair pay, abuse shelters, property rights, voting and items like that are good things. The fact the Duggars keep their daughters at home for life unless they marry horrifies me. Maybe some would consider me a first wave feminist, or a 19th century one, but even extreme radical Andrea Dworkin if she came back from the dead would scream upon seeing some of the nonsense advocated by feminists today such as the legalization of prostitution or "sex work".

I used to read books about the 1960s, and how even though free sex reigned, the men still expected the women to cook and clean in the commune. Now women get to do double-shifts of cooking, taking care of the children, cleaning AND bringing home the bacon.  When do they get a break? The business world benefitted as both Mom and Dad had to work which meant lower wages and less family and personal time.  Replacing Dad with the state just gave the state more power too. I believe feminism helped lower the quality of life for us all.

 However when I think of feminism, I think to myself "Ah that's why my family was socially sanctioned in tossing a sick Aspie into the sink or swim streets!" "Ah this is why my father treated me more like a man because I was not traditionally pretty!" I was told to become a nun by my family. I was told I never would marry. My mother's best friend who was a lawyer nun, who later scaled up the career ladder to great heights, was held up as someone for me to emulate. She advocated for female priests and was an extreme feminist. Liberalism in the classic sense didn't rule my household, but whatever politics served their interests and their interests were in treating me like a proto-man, problem was I wasn't a man. I was a girl and needed some protection and love and didn't get it.

Years ago you could have called me a feminist. I read Ms. magazine for years. I thought about women's rights. I was on the outlook for sexists.  I had the women studies class and did the Take Back the Night marches. However I was less protected as a result of feminism. I got sexually harassed at a job. I got jumped on the streets. I got out into the ever-gloried career world and realized the promises of empowerment were a joke. I was cleaning toilets in other people's houses. I was cooking meals at the group home and dusting it's beat up furniture. I spent my 20s taking care of OTHER people's children instead of my own.

Feminism screwed me.

Girls in my mid-sized town in high school were raised to get married young and now everyone I went to school with is a grandmother, and have big families of their own. This includes a friend from high school who now has two daughters, a son and several grandchildren. She got pregnant at 17 while I was a freshman in college and I remember she was devastated but who ended up with a better path?

Careers don't hug you at night, and if you are not a big whig especially in this economy, jobs don't build a life. The personal side of life was ignored for false carrot-stick chasing dreams of "you need to have a great career!". The Baby Boomers especially for Generation X, advertised this path as being the happier one. For many it was not.  Women need relationships, and connection. This is ignored in our society.

All feminism means to me is that women got to trade husbands for bosses. One traded the admitted tedium of housework, and childcare for the tedium of the workplace. Sure some richer or upper middle class women may see jobs as "empowering" but for most it means they are beholden to bosses who may be less kind then husband or less personally invested in you. There is a reason that Gloria Steinem and pals seem to live in a fantasy world of flex time and jobs that make 6  plus figures while advocating this as a lifestyle for all women. Why should women for so many years been made to feel ashamed of staying home and being housewives?

I have had these discussions with very close friends in my 40s, and one even managed to achieve some career success and we have talked among ourselves that the promises of feminism were a total bag of hot-air. What does women's lib mean if you are sitting and staring at a wall alone on a Saturday night? I got married kind of late, and only barely escaped Selma and Thelma spinisterhood.  Being disabled in the feminist world where you are unable to be defined by your "career" too is another loss.

What gets me about feminists is they seem to just want to load on all the work and responsibility of men onto women. I don't think women should fight in combat, and that we are not emotionally or otherwise set up for that. It sickens me that now we will have women on the battlefield who will be expected to be hard like men. What is wrong with women being protected by men? I think men should protect their women. I wasn't protected or even treated like a girl in my FOO. Why did I have to prove myself to be manly? Seriously I did. Why wasn't I allowed to cry or be vulnerable or ask for any help? How many young girls are being treated this way and told they are not allowed to have any "softness" to be acceptable? How is this changing the men or their treatment of women?

Realities are denied by feminists. The whole you can earn the bacon and fry it up in the pan, thing denies that time for human beings is a limited thing. I have read more women are staying at home who can afford to. I am glad. They know quality of life and time with their children counts. I wish many weren't forced to work tedious too low paid jobs. Now working class and poor women have always had to work but when they ripped the stability of family life away, they gave the bosses and corporations more power to direct their lives. There was less of a safety net for all. It made life more of a solitary venture with less back-up.

I remember when early feminists used to protest objectification of women, now that is worse then ever. Whatever happened to that?

Also feminism denies differences between men and women. Weren't some of the differences why men and women were attracted to one another? I tired of women always being presented as strong and independent. What if I don't feel strong? Why does every heroine in every novel have to be capable of flying airplanes or building houses from scratch? In the Victorian era, women could cry and faint, now we have to all act like studs without a tear in our eye to earn our feminist street cred of being an empowered, strong, independent woman!

Feminism was supposed to make things better for women, but from what I have seen since the days of the bra-burners in the 1960s is life has gotten far more oppressive and hard for women.  Elderly friends of mine who raised their families in the 60s and 70s, told me life was far far simpler for women. They told me their daughters [all at work] while disabled me was at our book and writing clubs, all had far harder lives with no time for anything including fun.

Pitting the sexes against each other is just making everyone more miserable. I too wonder why feminism and fat activism go hand in hand. What is floating that boat? Aren't 50% of the fat male? Why are they being cut out to serve liberal agendas?

Where did all that promised freedom come in?

Update to this article: I have deconverted from Christianity as of 2017, and my opinions of feminism have changed. Those who do not stand up against classism and the oppression of the bosses aren't real liberals. It's not the feminists who were behind the evils of capitalism though they tried to sell their enslavement under a false cloak of empowerment. I am a fan of bell hooks, so well, I have though through more on this article.

Ollie Matthews Video: Everyone Failed You!

Language warning on this one. Ollie Matthews is an ACON who talks about having faced narcissistic abuse and moving on from the Narc abusers. While as a Christian I wish the language was a bit cleaner, him sharing his experiences has helped me a lot. It has told me I am not the only one who has faced these things. He has many other good videos, check those out. He does advocate going no contact which is advice I agree with.


I like the discussion of cultural displays of fat people in Fattitude but we see the usual media controllers on fat like Marilyn Wann including in this film. I agree with people avoiding body shame and low self esteem, but you know there is that other side, where I have said, someone needs to stand up about what is being done to our health in our toxic society. I am glad she hasn't drank the extreme size acceptance Kool-Aid and is trying to eat healthy. Her attitude in this video is a good one, I agree with what a lot she has to say. I hope this young fat woman can go on and have a family and be far healthier.

Thursday, August 28, 2014


Another blast from the past where one could eat rich food like lard [a food I definitely avoid!] and not grow ultra-obese like now! This could be a mock-up, but if you read books from the old days or seen old cookbooks, you know they used lard in many things.

New Life

Yes there is some heavy stuff here, but I am making sure to also take time for fun and focusing on interests and more. Undoing years worth of stuff is hard but happiness can still be found among all the rest of it. As I get older, I am enjoying birdwatching and nature, my stamp collection also is going well. I'm still working on comics too. One hopes and prays for open vistas ahead. :)

The Aunt Never Sent The Pictures and More

                                          [picture source]

The Aunt Never Sent the Pictures.

Why should I be surprised?

I am not so bothered by the refusal to send the pictures, but the lie of, "I have the box right here on my lap ready to send out" from weeks ago. She kept putting me off and off.

I have more to write on her later, she affected my childhood quite a bit.

Today she hung up on me after I told her, "I am done."

She won herself having her story told on this blog, anonymously of course.

Fellow scapegoats can understand this destruction of the soul that cuts through the entire family via narcissists. Dismissed, ignored, some do it double-faced like this aunt and Aunt Denial, and others do it more direct.

As I said it could be NC with almost the entire family the way this is going. The me of today can't tolerate their disrespect, lies and wickedness.

What gets me is none of them seem to have any attachment. I have noted that having any attachment, feeling of nostalgia or feelings in general makes you an outliner in their crowd.

I got two more "corporate" birthday cards from Spider and Mini-Me. One said on it, "Whatever Makes You Happy" on the front. She used to say that to me in a sarcastic fashion so I knew what the card meant. The keeping up of appearances counts for everything. She can tell everyone,  "I sent her a card!"

They are just bad people, that's all.

Post script: The cousin called me up yelling at me, for leaving message on the answering machine--"Don't talk to my Mom that way anymore, you need to stay buddies and pals", and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise and hanging up on me. "You can keep in touch or not." That sounds rather flippant. She sounds like another defender of narcs. Well I am not. I just let her hang up on me and let it go. I said my piece. I never cussed her mother out or even said one insult word, just "Why?" and "I do not like being treated like trash". What kind of "buddy" treats you this way or makes excuses for your abusers?

I do think they are keeping a huge secret from me. It is either the adoption thing or something else. I am treated so oddly. Even my husband has told me he is deeply concerned over the strangeness of the treatment. He says "None of it makes sense" and the way they treat me is absolutely horrible. He says one thing he has noticed is how none of them ever can admit a mistake and they always say they are right no matter what. What you feel and say doesn't even reach them. They treat me like I am absolutely nothing.

I know everyone in any contact with my mother has been poisoned against me. The depths of the poisoning are extreme beyond what I even have discussed on this board. My suspicions I am adopted are even stronger. They are hiding something else if not that from me. I have known something has been hidden for years. I used to tell therapists "Something is wrong, I can't lay my finger on".

She labeled me the throwaway and tossed me over board. She convinced others, that I was not worthy of even the most basic attention, notice, love, or decent treatment. For years I lapped up the crumbs of whatever I could get. I owe nothing to these people anymore. No loyalty, nothing.

I feel in a strange place lately. I find myself thinking "Can I get a new improved life?" "Can I be happy where I wake up smiling?" I have brief glimpses of light on the horizon. Sometimes I smile and think of what things could be. I pray to God for financial security, and to survive and for one day to belong somewhere. My days are more peaceful being NC, but I have to admit, none of this easy, you overthrow the old order. I have left Jim Jones narc land, and the brainwashed cult members are pissed. You take out the trash and see the empty can sitting there and think "Now what?"

Thank God I have my husband and my friends.  So many years in narc darkness, so old now coming out into the light. So many years being told and shown by these people I was nothing. Closed doors, closed minds from hell, where one could scream and shout and nothing new could enter in. The days of cast down eyes, and listening to their self-elevating babble and excuses are over. The prisons they tried to lock me in were so extreme.

I have to be done with them. I'm walking away from MORE of them. My mother took my father's family away too. 

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Using Flexitouch Now

It shrunk my bad leg down by quite a bit, the changes are noticeable right from the start and even my good leg, went down by a lot. I am noticing I have "lumps" on my legs which can come with lipedema, there is a big one on my good leg even. I have used this two days, and done each leg on alternating days. Bad leg on even days, and good one on odd days?

The sessions are 70 minutes. My husband has to strap the leg things on for me. The hardest part is the positioning and I'm slow at puzzles so trying to figure out where the parts go is the toughest, but I figure once I am used to it, we will have it going well. It feels like a massage, I like the feeling of it. 

Yesterday I peed a lot and think it has stimulated the lymphatic system in a good way!

My Flexitouch Lymphedema Pump

Nutritionist Says I am Doing Well

I lost some, but remember with me, I have to fight NOT to gain weight. It's always hard to know what is water lost or gained too, you know? I told her, I just want to see a 4 as the front number again.  My goals for the nutritionist was to up the nutritional factor, get more practical food ideas, deal with the serious nutritional deficient and NOT gain any more weight. Even if you are lipedemic, you still should try and control what "fat weight" you can. We do not remove fat the same way as other people either. Our fat cells are not normal.

"Lipoedema involves pathological changes in cellular function of adipose (fat) cells leading to fatty tissue edema, thickened collagen fibers, venous stasis, and lymphostasis and often pain in the edemic region. A significant difference between lipoedema and general fat storage is that regardless of an individual’s weight loss effort there will be no change in the volume of the lipoedemic region, even with minimal food intake."

I suppressed the calories to around 1800 a day on average. I am eating a bunch more vegetables and fruits. 1800 is the lowest that can be managed. The guy who said 1200 is crazy. Hey I will do it, if they invent a drug to kill hunger pain that isn't eating. LOL I know my hunger levels are not normal. Do any of you know a way to kill hunger pain that isn't dangerous? Yes I drink water and often wait the 20 minutes but it can come crawling back. My body drives me crazy with it's constant demands. There are hours a day being dedicated to it's maintenance. What other choice do I have?

I'm writing down everything I eat too. I eat a lot of foods people find weird. LOL. Qrunch burgers are good by the way. Try them out.

Insulting Fat People at a Buffet

At buffets I allow myself two trips, but I usually avoid them except quarterly trips to a favorite Asian buffet. I once had the opposite of this happen at a friend's wedding dinner, at a Chinese Buffet, the owner of the restaurants, came up to me and said, "You don't like my food, you only took two trips!"
Anyhow I know sometimes if you are fat, people can make comments if you eat the wrong thing in public.


                                         [picture source]

I got this quote from RumblestripQ: Back stage pass to the sociopath Side show

Grooming a child to believe that the child is the problem, and communicating that publicly, serves several purposes. One of which is that it discredits the child to other family members and friends of the family before the child ever stands up to abusive treatment. Which serves to insure that the abuser will never be questioned by other people. It is important for the controlling or abusive person to discredit the child in case the child ever tells or exposes the truth about the dysfunction in the family.

Thanks MFan and Darlene Ouimet@

This quote helped me because I know this happened to me in my family. When I tried to discuss anything, it was like facing brick walls. My reputation with the majority had been destroyed in some insidious way. There is no fixing it either I tried. Even if you are a church attending peaceful person, totally free of drugs or alcohol with a clean record, trust me they can make dirt stick forever to you.  After years of this the people are trained to do the narcissist's biddings and to tune out and devalue everything you say.

Many ACONs attest to this. It is a very hard feeling to even describe, this mode of never being listened to or even talking to people who may pretend, and then by their actions you were never heard. It hurts. One struggle an ACON can deal with is this forever invisibility they struggle with. I believe in my case, my mother's sway over my relatives is extreme. If someone tells the world you are "crazy" for 40 plus years and nothing you say means anything, sadly sometimes the people listen instead of giving the person in doubt a chance.  Malignant narcs know how to destroy a reputation with a look in their eye, a sneer on their lip and subtle cues, among their minions. Even to keep this person who is in charge "happy", they don't want to take the chance of offending them even if that means kicking you to the curb.  It can be something very small too, like asking for some old pictures!

Our status is rendered so absolutely low in these family circles! Run, Run, Run. Hey I went NC even thinking the homeless shelter would give me a lot more respect! I'm praying to God to take care of me. By the way, I figure I am dogmeat to the family and no longer care about trying to change their minds about anything. That job has been thrown in the trashcan for the eons. My self view has changed massively. Let the TV watching drones that claim they share DNA with me lie to themselves forever.

All of my family friends and neighbors bought her tales of woe and martyrship at the hands of me being the forever disappointing weirdo daughter. I hope no other person is maligned for their physical disabilities or Aspergers. People I never even have talked before, would give me a jaundiced eye, if they happened to meet my mother first! If you can swing it, never live in the same area of your narcissistic family or other relatives. I don't want to even be in the same town as a flying monkey!So one of the hardest things a scapegoat or better said EX-scapegoat who quit has to deal with is this feeling of being silenced and knowing nothing you say or do will convince these people!

One thing too, with many of them I did used to try to explain my side of things and was never believed. They were annoyed by me bringing up the past or even pulling up 2 hour old things. Even trying to be positive and show these people the best side of me--a struggle but I tried, was an immense waste of time.

 I know if this blog is ever found by any relatives, she would tell them all I had "gone crazy" due to my recent medical diagnosis, and play herself off as the martyr with the "horrible daughter". "I don't know what she wanted from me?" "I did everything I could for her!"

The minions if they found this blog now, would circle the wagons and scream...

"How dare she!"

"Look at those hideous lies!"

"She must be nuts!"

"So much anger and non-forgiveness, her mother was so nice"

and so forth and so on.

I know even if my brother found this blog, he probably would get mad.

Hey the me of yesterday would have been SCARED to death to even have a blog like this. I would be absolutely petrified. Today I don't care. These NC relationships are bombed out craters, nothing I could say or write could destroy them anymore.

One thing I remember,  I spoke up for my rights, against the emotional and even physical and other abuses, others would rise up to defend her [and my father when he was alive] and tell me I was in the wrong, and needed to go back in the corner and shut up!

My Aunt Who Loved Me, did support me but sadly was too scared of her oldest sister to say much in defense. Sadly this happened to a lesser extent with others. I suppose no one else wanted to be the target.

And speaking of targets, years ago my narcissistic mother went after my brother's now ex-wife with a viciousness that probably only matched the smears said against me. One thing my mother literally bonds with people by putting others down. I saw this and even almost got sucked into it myself a few times which I have definitely repented of. My own regrets about being sucked into a few of the lies bothers me to this day. In other words I watched the discrediting of others. The names she called that troubled young lady with "white trash" as the first on the list were inexcusable. She managed to even destroy my friendship years ago with her.

 A few times years ago my brother's ex wife would literally lose it, but my mother had manipulated things so the whole family thought she was crazy, and dismissed everything she said. This happened to me too, but over a much longer haul. I think about that now, about how her "declared" enemies could never win. This is one way she manipulated people into serving and meeting her needs by separating one sheep [or really goat] from the pack, and displaying the punishments that would be forthcoming for crossing her!

Sometimes I wonder if many things I was told by family members were even true....did Aunt Scapegoat really hoard to the extent my mother claimed? Many of her stories now are questionable to me. I know how social workers deal with that sort of thing. If you are hoarding trash and waste usually they are getting involved.  That is one scary thing, now that my eyes are open. How many lies about others have I heard? For those that lie like rugs, it's hard to use tweezers to pick out the true bits. Many things I saw first hand, but others I have not. Today I know nothing is to be taken for granted. I have discovered so many lies.

If any of them find this blog, one day. I don't regret one word of it. I am glad I have a venue to warn others about what happened to me and to share how to survive it and manage.

No Ice Bucket Challenge For Me: I'll Chew on an Ice Cube For Ya!

Wow, I know people doing this on Facebook, many mean well, but in my mind, forget it! Fads that everyone runs after kind of annoy me. What does freezing under cold water have to do with ALS? Aren't those people mostly paralyzed and losing feeling? What about places where this is a waste of water?

 Ah my head hurts. Let's have everyone do a dance for lipedema or wiggle their ears if they can, or wear their hair dyed purple. If celebrities and the elite do it, I don't want to. This seems like a distraction of sorts to me.  I know they are using social media for social experiments. So forget it.

Send a donation to ALS charities [or others of your choice] if you want, but ignore this silly bucket thing.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Friday, August 15, 2014

Be careful of the "NICE" ones!

This article is regarding my aunt who is my father's sister. This is the aunt whose granddaughter [my cousin] married a multi-millionaire and where I was not invited to the wedding, My mother was. This is one of the many events I discussed as leading up to my going "no contact". This aunt lives around around 1000 miles from me.

 Soon I will write about her very interesting life story which even blows Aunt Scapegoat's story out of the water. Parts of this story include what happened to me too. Her personality and history definitely displays extreme signs of abuse and other hard to define personality disorders. I'll go in more detail later. Let's just say the narcissistic plague of insanity hasn't just cut one swathe across one branch of the family but both.

 She has been far more stable in her old age, but let's just say I do not consider her totally trustworthy and I knew with her, I could be going no contact with in the near future. What happened lately is enough to be a warning to me.

She does have contact with my mother, and well I am realizing this is a danger. I don't think I will ever be able to trust or form a decent family relationship with any relative that is in contact with my mother. Around any relatives,  I feel on guard, and betrayed inside as was written about next week.

They seem to have enough attachment to say hello on FB and with my brother an occasional phone call, but I can tell I am being held at arm's length to keep my mother happy, and I am not happy about this. It hurts and has hurt for years and right now self protection is my first order of business. In return, I have limited my emotional investment with these relationships.

So keep in mind even with my father's sister, I am tentative. My contact with her is only about 5-7 times a year. She did tell me some family history and helped spark my memory on many issues. I talked to her this year an average of once every 6-8 weeks. Her third husband is deceased and she moved up from Florida to live with her daughter who has a good manufacturing job.

Due to the adoption pursuit and wanting to find out what my grandmother on the paternal side looked like in her older age I asked her if she could send me some pictures. The reason for this request is to find out how young am I in the pictures? Are there pictures of me before that 9 month mark? Are there pictures to describe my baby book devoid of pictures unlike my brother's and sisters? I remember crying as a kid because my book had less pictures. Imagine that!

Another reason for the request is I want to see what my paternal grandmother looked like. I have only one picture of her from the 1940s where she is still relatively young. Could she have had lipedema? Years ago I used to be told she was large but then this aunt told me "Oh she didn't leave the 200s weight wise and had normal-thin legs".

I did not just call up and start asking, I sent her pictures of me, cards and had other discussions with her for over 18 months. I always had kept consistent contact. She told me "Sure, I'll send you some." It seemed like it wasn't going to be a big deal. I haven't seen any pictures yet and I've brought it up a few times. I thought her contact with my mother was minimal but it doesn't seem to be as yesterday I decide to call up and ask how is the picture sending going, and she tells me "Oh I talked to your mother, I told her you were asking me for some pictures, and she told me not to send you any!"

She then proceeded to tell me, "I'll still send them and I was looking to add one from ****'s album." [her daughter's]

I will believe it when I see it.

I plan to ask one more time with husband's help but then I will have no choice but to drop it. You can't make other people do what they do not want to do.  Another betrayal. More liars. More doors shut in my face. When I tell you this aunt's story it will blow your mind, but I knew I was taking a long shot.

My wicked mother has interfered with every relationship in the family. This net extends out to all of my father's relatives, including cousins [some of whom I sought to have contact with and was refused], divorced spouses from even ten years ago and every third cousin, great aunt and any other category that possibly shares DNA. I think she still even has contact with my uncle's girlfriend he split up with when he was 26 years of age, before he married another woman. I do not know how a person has the time to stay in contact with this many people or direct them but she definitely found it.

My mother's messages to all my family members regarding me has been...

1. "Ignore her".

2. "You don't need to visit her". "You don't need to invite her."

3. "You don't need to fulfill her requests."

4. "I have pictures, lots of them", you don't need to send them" [this aunt knows I am no contact with my mother]

5. "Don't listen to her, she is a liar."

6. "Don't listen to her, she is crazy."

7.  "She is fat and it's her fault!"

and over and over.

And as I have seen it is still going on.

Kind of puts those phony "We miss you cards" in context doesn't it?

Deep, deep wedges driven in deep.

No chance of being heard, always dismissed, always ignored and always disdained.

Now I knew betrayal was possible and unless my mother knew something, I kept my mouth shut about it even to this aunt. Talk about having to screen every thought to the finest tooth.

 My mother already knows I am on an adoption search in my last NC letter and questioning about my origins. If I am a biological child, she could have simply sent me a young baby picture earlier then the 9 month old one I have seen and gotten me to shut up. Life is weird when you have to find out a great-aunt died on the internet, but that is how life is with a clammed up secretive narcissist.

 I reminded this aunt, that I had told her not to tell my mother I was even in contact with her. She didn't seem to care about this request but made some vague excuse. She has a wicked wavering two sided mind, saying one thing one minute telling me "Yes your mother treated you badly!" and then stating "Your mother loves you!" while I am ignored and otherwise abused.

The control freak narcissist interferes every minute. 

I don't think I will see the pictures. If I do I will be happy and relieved.

I scoured the internet to see if there was a picture of my grandmother who died in 1969 in their local paper. I found her name in articles several times, and a picture of her gravestone but no picture of her. 

At least I was prepared to be disappointed but the sheer scope of my mother's power and control over all my relatives even ones that live thousands of mile away are extreme. I also have realized that I am invisible to them all. They only see me as she does, no matter how nice I am or how I tried to reach out in the past.

If the pictures are not sent, add another NC to the list of over 14 people. If she can't even give me this one small request of pictures of myself when young or a picture of my grandmother, I will be done with her. I will ask politely one more time and if I am told "No", I will tell her I am moving on.

I have realized there is no love, or even attachment with these folks. There is nothing. It is scary. I know as a person I sought to look for it. With this aunt years ago I drew closer to her, or tried, but my mother even there held the power. I will write more later on this issue and tell you her story too.

One question I have for ACONs who read my blog, Have you ever seen this much control over this many family members by a narcissist? I also am realizing that none of them see me outside of her definitions, no matter what I do.

Another question I have is, have any of you hit a wall, where you thought, if I have a relationship with a relative, they need to stand up for me or not have contact with the narcissist?

All my relatives, every one is in contact with my mother. 

I may be no contact with the whole crew the way this is going and not just 85% of them. No pictures sent tells me I am wasting my time with this woman and she has none of my best interests at heart and doesn't want to tell me the truth. I will see if I am pleasantly surprised but for now, my expectations are incredibly limited. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sick Society

Fat Shaming Study: I am one of the 50

I participated in this study a couple years ago and remember writing down some of the events I went through. I can't remember if I am the one who wrote about the dentist chair or not, or the mooing, both of those sound familiar but definitely things happened to me during the week I reported.

'The dentist was worried I might break his chair': The hurtful fat-shaming experienced by overweight women three times a day

I am glad it is getting some publicity now. Yes fat women have to put up with a lot. Living in a smaller town, people get used to my 500lb+ body walking around. It's not as hard as in urban areas where you are a new sight to people and they stare and may say mean things.

If I was going to go over the last week, I could list these things. 1. Rude comments left on this blog, calling me a liar for what I eat, 2. Being not taken seriously by someone, not listened to due to visible disabilities. 3. Entering an office with all armed chairs and having to ask for a special chair. 4. Feeling stared at by a few people--that happens often enough to me.

What I have to face nowadays as I got older and surlier, is not the overt stuff anymore but more covert, but for many of us fat people it never ends. You know you are in a world that does not fit you. You know that people judge.

Another Fat Hatred Video

Yes it's better to keep McDonald's away from your kid, and to try to eat healthy, but I tire of the constant litany of fat people being told, if you eat perfectly, you will be thin. I wish I could sneak a secret camera and take pictures of thin people's grocery carts, I see plenty of juice, soda and cookies in those. Healthy eating doesn't make every fat person thin either. Do what you can and what you believe will help but the last thing fat people or fat children need is the constant stereotypes applied. If you want your child to have a healthy future life, treat them with love and kindness, that will go a lot further. Yes try and cook healthy food, but don't abuse them if they are fat or insist on "truths' that haven't helped any fat people so far.

FAQ About Abusive, Narcissistic, Psychopathic Relatives

Yes mine know what they were doing. I know I am not loved by them either. They simply wanted to keep me in check and to shut me up. I gave up changing them going NC and GOT OUT.  In my case, I do not see the narcissists as "hurt people" but as "evil people". They create hurt.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Oh No! You're Too Skinny!

I think this is from the 1940s, this is unimaginable today!

32 Terms Every Informed American Should Understand

Google all these and study up, with the internet available, there is no reason to stay uninformed!

Desperate Measures

Desperate Measures- When They Sense They're Losing Their Grip On You-

I wanted to share this article. She has some good warnings in it. During my no-contact I have struggled with some of these thoughts thinking if I write this, or confront her with this, a spark will be lit and a darkened mind woken up. LOL who am I kidding too? I think all ACONS struggle with this fantasy in their minds of one day waking up the hard cold malignant narcissists. I can't even conceive of minds like that this and how they work. Mine is sitting me out. It is creepy to watch even. One must not let emotions lead, because the narcs know how to use them but simple cold facts that it is better to stay away from people you cannot trust, and who treat you like dirt and who are wicked.

"Once upon a time, I used to have a pleasant fantasy.  In it, I would tell my birth-mother that her behavior was upsetting to me.  She would apologize, tell me that she would never dream of continuing to hurt me because she cares for me a great deal, and promise to stop her offensive behavior immediately.  Then, true to her word, she would never do it again, enabling our relationship to be happily restored.  Boy, was I living in la-la land.
          When that never worked, I had a slightly more complicated delusion.  After I complained about her mistreatment, she would continue hurting me anyway.  Since it stressed me out to be in her presence, I would begin to avoid placing myself in that position.  I would begin to feel distant from her.  I might even decide to take a break from the relationship for a few weeks or months, of which I might or might not choose to inform her, to get my thoughts together about what to do next.  Mom, sensing my withdrawal, would realize what she was doing and become concerned about losing the relationship.  Afraid that she might really be driving me away, she would come to her senses, immediately stop her hurtful behavior, and make every effort to be as pleasant to be with as possible.  Her turnabout would enable me to enjoy being with her, and our relationship would be happily restored.  Yeah, right.  What in the world was I thinking?
          If we were talking about normal people who truly do love and care for those who love them, this would really happen.  In fact, the reason we try to talk things out with a loved one who is hurting us is that we are hoping against hope for such a happy ending.  But those of us who have had the misfortune to try and reason with a control freak or an abuser quickly learn that there is almost NO CHANCE that this will actually ever happen in our situations. 
          No matter how calmly and politely we request a change, things will go south fast.  Any attempt we make to have a loving and rational discussion will quickly degenerate into a crazy-making, nasty argument.  We will be left scratching our heads and wondering what on earth went wrong, and why a simple plea for a little consideration had to be blown up into such a big deal."

Be Positive or Else!

I tend towards melancholy. I have had problems with depression in my life. Even if I get too sick and worn out, the physical will mix with the emotional into one big stew.  Did I cause my infection by crying or is the crying the result of an impending infection?  Is it kidney stones or simple fatigue? Is it lazinesss, despair or a body that is just extremely exhausted from the heat and housework? Sometimes it's hard to know.

 I think Aspies are more serious and see the world so differently that even what is joy to me gets lost in the translation. I get thrilled about my stamp collection and grabbing on to little bits of knowledge. Sitting and having a think fest and exploring new theories in my mind is "fun". Small talk and pool side intrigues are not but serious in depth conversations with good friends are. Us, Aspies are not understood by most. Every now and then you meet a rare neurotypical who sees your goodness and you befriend them, but often in the world being an Aspie means being surrounded by a crowd of chattering, smiling neurotypicals who to be blunt have too many rules for me to follow as I get lost in their conservations that never make sense to me. One of those rules is "Be Positive or Else!"

When stress gets high for me or depression comes to call, this rule drives me crazy. You see it all around you. You are told to make a gratitude list, to be positive, to be a happy person, that will attract people, and well to be frank all this stuff wears me out. The subtext message is "Shut up!" if you have any problems or anything DEEP to share.

 I also wonder about the people who feel this push to make constant gratitude lists and while some are well-meaning, are they trying to convince themselves of how great their lives are? Why don't they have something more fun to do then write a list of how great their lives are? Doesn't that take the fun out of it all? Have our lives become something to be analyzed for how great and wonderful they are?  What if you know that in the history of the world, many have suffered even worse and would find all this navel gazing to be extremely narcissistic?

That's what it is isn't it? Navel gazing, Bragging. My narcissistic sister told me I need to refriend her on Facebook so I could watch her children in their "celebration of life". What a strange way to phrase it. So life is a celebration? Something worries me inside that those are children not being prepared for how life really is. Disney World lies and no preparation for the true reality of the USA economy.

 I always considered bucket lists to be an annoying trait of the brainwashed upper middle class who see life in general as one "big to do list" who want to impress others with their accomplishments. Whether they actually enjoy any of the things on their lists is beside the point. The point is to get the list done and then say "Look at me, I am special, I could afford to do all these great and wonderful things!" "I am better then you!"

 Lately I think a certain social website, is making me more depressed. While I have a few friends and others who talk about serious subjects or just do a straight sharing of their lives, for many it seems to be a brag fest, that never ends. One of the ways that people brag now, is "Look How Happy I Am, You Sad Sacks!"

I think the author above is right about how America has gone down the tubes due to their collective delusions. Forcing everyone to be happy, means problems get ignored. It means things get worse. It means silencing people. It means one culture that is all about appearances as it gets gutted from within. It means anyone who is a person on the fringes is ignored. It dumbs everything down. It kills emotion, innovation and caring. It is shallow narcissism where emotions are deadened down. The cheapening of emotions and life. The killing of poetry and love.

Statements like the below are the empty-minded nonsense you hear among upper class circles that can supposedly "buy" their way out of anything. It sounds good on the surface, "go do" such and such, but what if the money isn't there?

Every health board I am on, in the world, you see the positivity police out in full froth. So your body is swelling up, you are dying of infections or in and out of the hospital or bedbound? "Quit yer complaining, you negative ingrate!"  A few of these types will write posts on health boards about how "the negativity" is bringing them down and how people need to be more positive. My sister in law got thrown out of a cancer support meeting for crying and being "too negative" about having breast cancer. How sick is that?

The New Agers can tell me things like the picture below. As if  one's thinking is an automatic entrance to getting things done you want done. They used to call that witchcraft in the old days,

So attitude is everything? That's a bit limited too.

 People with money for tropical vacations somehow still have time to go on Facebook and kick those who are already down and get out the "You are too negative!" baseball bat.  They seem to get some kind of glee. Of course part of me is asking, why aren't these women out on a boat somewhere or living the extraordinary lives they brag about constantly to take time to kick around the "negative" people who irritate them so much. Do I want rich woman telling me I am a failure for not finding the "Eat, Pray, Love" life? What if I don't believe in their world outlooks?

I believe this is a way the powers that be keep control. Keep the serfs smiling even if you are dying of cancer or are sitting in the gutter. I suppose as they do their evil across the world, it's easier to have smiling victims rather noisy complaining ones. Tell everyone that there is no economic collapse, or wars or health problems that will kill but that what ever problems they are face are all their fault, and due to their lack of a good attitude or a "positive mind", then they don't have to be called on the carpet for anything. See how that works? In other words, if you suffer, it's your own fault!

It is kind of disgusting to see this stuff constantly in the health world. I know the narcissistic Baby Boomer culture has everyone thinking they will live forever or that all medical problems are perfectly solvable as long as one does all the "right" behavior but it simply is not true. It is not reality. I tire of the people who live in shallow illusions but also who want to force them on me.

I am in the mode where I do not want to sell myself or impress anyone. Whether I am happy or not is my business not yours. I should not have to prove myself as a perpetual perky cheerleader to be loved. I am not a person in a commercial with a huge smile on my face, selling the perfect attributes of myself the product.

Our culture really scares me more and more, it really does. I think I was born in the wrong time and place. My emotions don't fit. Sorry I am failing to be a thin smiling Stepford wife with my 2.5 children in my glorious suburban McMansion who is "celebrating life" and fulfilling my bucket list.