Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Evicted Man

This man got evicted from my apartment building and they threw all his stuff on the sidewalk.

He lived here at least 15 years. Imagine paying rent that long and then he got sick and no longer could work. I don't know the ins and outs of why he didn't get disability. I just knew his first name.

They evicted him on Friday afternoon. During the weekend, I contacted this one man I know who knows every social agency in town and asked him if there was anyone who could come and rescue his stuff. I said, "Are there any agencies that will store his stuff for him before it is all lost?"  He told me no.

The evicted man's entire apartment's contents ended up outside.  It was raining Saturday and the first haul out got soaked. More was taken out on a drier Monday to be thrown away.  I called one place and got an answering machine.He disappeared, and abandoned all his stuff even his bike which was shocking.

Because of my past and present poverty all this was very triggering for me.

We go outside, and they are literally using one of those small tractors to offload all his stuff into a giant dumpster that has been rented and set up. It is one of those ones you can't see into it is so tall. One neighbor says to me, "They have thrown away thousands of books, he had an entire wall of books in here.". I hate seeing books thrown away and I see some more boxes out. The building manager is standing there. People have started collecting his furniture, I ask "Can we take some books?" She says "Sure".  I am polite and friendly but inside I am thinking, "Why wasn't there any mercy for this man?" Maybe her hands were tied, the apartment complex is corporate owned.

I worry about being a vulture, but they are already throwing everything away with the tractor into the dumpster to be hauled away. I figure it is too late and he has lost everything. The books are really good ones, intellectual ones with atlases, and on history and military history. I don't even want to think about what they have already thrown away.

We think my walker got stolen by one of the trash pickers, even right out of our car or my husband simple did not put it in the car even though I told him directly.  I forgot to "check" and was tired. He is overwhelmed all the time. I was USING the walker while out there whatever sociopath stole my walker, had to know it was with me. I was in front of everyone. I was using it.

Of course I have weird thoughts, "Maybe it was wrong to grab the books and that's why you lost your walker" but my husband said, "Look they were throwing everything into the dumpster and hauling most of it away that day, you weren't doing anything wrong, it was already lost"  We only took a small percentage of the books that were thrown away. My husband got some records. It was shocking to see them cleaning out usable and good stuff, furniture clothes, shelves, kitchen goods, and tossing it all in the trash. That one shocked me. The area was divided and the people there knew the walker was with me.

The poor man is homeless and has lost all his stuff. I feel dumb crying over a walker when I have ANOTHER ONE as a backup when this man lost everything but the whole situation triggered me. I said to my husband, "I didn't realize they just cleaned out your apartment and threw away everything even good stuff. He said, "Maybe you just didn't want to know."  

I live in fear of homelessness too. We never have faced eviction and have paid rent on time for 20 years but there is always that fear inside.  Disability at least is far more dependable then job income. Yes it is sad to write that, but it is true. In my case, would they throw out all my art work and medical equipment? He owned no car either to at least rescue the most important of his stuff. I remember asking "How come this man had no friends to help him out?"  There are a lot of lonely people out there, my number of friends here are low and they would be too old or disabled to move tons of boxes. One friend of mine said, "Where was his family?" I pointed out I really have no family now and am not close enough to the cousins to be rescued by them. People end up without families all the time.

I think there are some major holes in our agencies. This is one. The fact that just getting evicted means you lose all your stuff is unforgiveable, but that is really how it works now. No money, no paid rent and you lose everything unless you got cash handy for a storage unit and the ability to move everything into it. That is harder for the old and those with health problems unable to move boxes and heavy items. One day this man may stop being homeless and some agency will have to provide new furniture and things for him unless he gets a job that can pay for those things. For very poor people replacing things is nearly impossible. It was sad to watch all this.

Another Walker Stolen

 In this small resort town, chain your walker to your wrist. It could have been stolen out of the car even, with us with 15 feet and looking the other way. I guess they are more precious then gold or something to these creeps. I have decided to post a sign on the bottom of my next walker, PLEASE DO NOT STEAL ME, with name, and phone number on it. I have a back-up walker but I LIKED THIS ONE. I want it back. A friend gave me this walker too. I was able to fit sitting on it too. 

I remember giving walker to husband and saying "Here put this in the car" and thought he did, I got in. He was right next to me. Maybe he is going senile or I am going senile. I actually plan to talk to my doctor about the possibilities of the onset of dementia after all this happened. I went to take online memory tests and even the SAGE test for dementia. Someone's going senile, maybe for this giant of a screw up again. Life feels so overwhelming.  The night before I was crying over our blocked up sink, I just had the leak in the closet repaired with all the mold growing from the bathtub. Our closet shares a wall with the bathtub.

 I look back in the car an hour later, while we are out running our endless stupid errands, poverty makes for more of those by the way when you have to scrounge food day by day and the walker is gone. That was a mind screw beyond belief. How did something so large "disappear"? We even discussed someone stealing it out of the car. The doors were unlocked while we were outside on our apartment's property. We were distracted but next to the car.

Everyone outside with us, saw me using the walker. I was on my apartment's property too. [see other story too]

I come back and the walker is gone.   A recently evicted man's unlocked bicycle is laying outside in the grass, they leave that alone, and steal my walker instead. This walker has had HEAVY use over the past two years, the wheels are even all pitted up, they are not going to get huge money for it.

It is hard to explain the feeling of helplessness and now wondering if something is cognitively wrong with me because I remember telling my husband to put it in the van's hatch back.  I am crying so hard, he is scared of the neighbors seeing me and is hustling me back inside.  I feel like if I do not constantly OCD check everything to death it does not get done.

I had my purse hung on my walker, so how did I end up with my purse and not my walker? I am confused.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

My 600lb Life: More Untreated Lymphedema and Lipedema in this case!

It is so obvious to me Tracy has Lipedema or a condition like it, and she needs care for her legs and compression therapy far more then weight loss surgery. This lady was discussed on the Facebook Lipedema communities, and many commented how her upper body was far smaller then her lower, and how her legs had swollen to be so huge. She talks about her legs swelling and "they are starting to hurt really bad". It is criminal to me how women with Lipedema are NOT diagnosed and go into severe stage Lipedema due to fat discrimination. In my case and this ladies case, fat discrimination has really impacted their lives horribly. She is very thin on top too, this was true of me too. My bust is 30-40 inches smaller then my hips. I do not know how weight loss surgery will help her, her problem is severe Lipo-lymphedema. Some Lipedema women can improve from the removal of some fat weight, but if you are heavy not from over-eating but from Lipedema, how are you going to lose weight with weight loss surgery?

I got frightened yesterday, my face and hands even swelled up and I could barely walk. We had gone to charity meals, and to get our taxes done by Vista volunteers, two protests--half an hour each but required some walking on my part and I was very busy [for me] for several days and while some water gets taken off at night, I swelled and swelled. I am realizing how drastic the differences there are in photos depending on how swollen I am. In my case, one can literally watch body parts GROW, and yes it is scary. My stomach grows from fluids and so do my legs. My leg wrappings had failed during the taxes being done, one had already been wrapped twice, and I had been up for several hours and my legs just bulged out like I was a in a horror movie. My stomach grew huge. I felt afraid.

 The pain grows very bad too when this happens and I was limping near the end of the day and ready to cry. My exhaustion hits a wall. This can happen after JUST 3 and 4 hours of being up and moving around some while sitting some. It scares me. Sometimes I wish I could win the Lotto so I could get some Lipedema hard core experts and Lymphatic specialists, I need them. My left leg got huge yesterday, and it used to be even bigger. My right too is a swellathon, I am constantly fighting.

I went into bed by 5pm and stayed there, and did Flexitouch. I can walk  better now and legs are down somewhat but this is a nightmare I can't even explain to people. Even my hands and arms grow, where my fingers go from being thinner to puffier. My face grows too, my double chin turns into a triple chin, and it grows more puffy and round. Facebook facial recognition FAILS on me. I am never tagged. I am serious about this, this is how much my face changes.

I am tired of people with severe Lymphedema and Lipedema being judged. It does affect me mentally when I am swelled up because I know people react to me oddly thinking I have "gained weight" from overeating. It makes me self conscious and I felt it yesterday. Sometimes this disease is very hard on one's mind. Those who are around me more, know it is transitory. I posted a picture of me on the thin side, when I had been in bed from the flu for a week and everyone was like "Wow you lost weight" but I was bloated back up within days. Today I have to stay in bed or I will get a leg infection. I hurt all over.

How could doctors look at that woman's body and not know something was MEDICALLY WRONG besides being the classic bigotry of labeling her an OVEREATER? I got diagnosed because nurses and daily physical therapists coming to my house, SAW ME SWELL to the point the charge nurse sat me down and begged me to go to Mayo. Fat bigotry is literally costing lives. My legs got caught in time right before I would have lost my mobility from their hugeness but it is a constant battle. My medical reports consider me severe, one reads "Patient presents with lipo-lymphedema [Lipedema] severely affecting bilateral lower quadrants". This lady's legs are even worse having grown to the point she can barely walk or more and the doctors are focused on weight loss surgery instead of treatment for Lipedema and Lymphedema? It is an OUTRAGE!

I do think Dr. Now did decide NOT to give her weight loss surgery, I have to watch the whole show. Treatment of Lymphedema and Lipedema can be difficult. When the therapists wrap my legs, they got them down very very far, my legs are far thinner then I even imagined. I can only maintain them to a point and keep them from growing. Sometimes I wish I could afford a stay in a rehab center where they could take them down further. In my case sadly I am high enough stage to have what they call "tissue fibrosis". I also am diagnosed with "severe abdominal swelling".  I almost lost the ability to walk from untreated and undiagnosed Lipedema. This show needs to talk more about Lipedema and Lymphatic disorders. I have seen other patients on there, where I believe they have primary Lymphedema disorders. Too many assume the people with lymphedema alone got it all from being fat in the first place. This is wrong.

Medical treatment can get people to lose weight, without weight loss surgery. I have kept around 200lbs off for 20 years from the peak weight. My life almost ended in 1997/98. With the swelling I am in a constant battle. Lipedema often brings hormonal disorders and did in my case affecting my weight from the PCOS and pseudo Cushings. I live in fear of weight gains even at this supersized weight and checked my measurements this week, my waist was at 59-60, and I had lost 2 inches on the bust,  the hips were around the same somewhere in the mid 80s. I do this fearing weight gains, knowing if I got back up to the 600s and near 700 I could die. I have told my husband if I ever cross the 550 rubicon again, I would asked to be hospitalized. Many severe stage women with Lipedema have to battle for their mobility everyday. I wish I could win the Lotto so I could get some high tier lymphatic specialists and rehab time in but I am doing the best I can. I don't want to know where I'd be at now if I did not have Flexitouch to take off fluids at night and where things would be if my legs had been allowed to keep growing and growing some more.

I hope Tracey got diagnosed properly and gets all the help she can. She was able to have fluids removed which is a good thing.

Fall in Love

I fell in love with someone who "gets" me in 1994. Any idiots trying to force me to be normal would have been woefully disappointed!

The Republican Waterloo

A good read - no matter what party / philosophy you identify with. (10-15min.)
"Whatever else the 2016 election has done, it has emancipated Republicans from one of their own worst self-inflicted blind spots. Health care may not be a human right, but the lack of universal health coverage in a wealthy democracy is a severe, unjustifiable, and unnecessary human wrong. As Americans lift this worry from their fellow citizens, they’ll discover that they have addressed some other important problems too. They’ll find that they have removed one of the most important barriers to entrepreneurship, because people with bright ideas will fear less to quit the jobs through which they get their health care. They’ll find they have improved the troubled lives of the white working class succumbing at earlier ages from preventable deaths of despair. They’ll find that they have equalized the life chances of Americans of different races. They’ll find that they have discouraged workplace discrimination against women, older Americans, the disabled, and other employees with higher expected health-care costs. They’ll find that their people become less alienated from a country that has overcome at last one of the least attractive manifestations of American exceptionalism—and joined the rest of the civilized world in ameliorating and alleviating our common human vulnerability to illness and pain."
The Republican Waterloo

Healthcare tied to employment is a definite form of slavery. We experienced already blatant discrimination due to it. That last job of my husband in 2007 where he got a good review in December but got booted out in Feb/March when I went on his supplemental insurance, the memory of that stays with me. I said to my husband how stupid and out of touch are these Republican leaders? Even the other Republican legislators knew the outrage from their voters would cost them big. My husband has not had health insurance in TEN YEARS.

I am glad I have been protesting, and national outrage helped curbed the idiocy of these leaders.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Avoid "Fixers"

Saw this cartoon the other day. Often on here over the years I have mentioned "Fix-It's the people who got with me, not based on any acceptance but based on taking me on as a project or something to "fix". ACON's for the sake of their mental health need to avoid people like that like the plague.

Naked Pastor Cartoons

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Fighting With God

Wrestling with God

Too many people have been painted a picture of God that looks more like a jealous boyfriend in a drunken rage than the peaceful, inclusive Rabi who said “if you’re tired and burnt out, come hang with me- because my way is light and not burdensome”.
As a result, our concept of God internalizes into all sorts of other broken thinking, and leads us to see everything bad that happens in life as being a divine punishment from God.
Over time, we actually start to believe that God hates us. The concept gets rooted so deep, that even when we mentally reject it, our “emotional memory” still uses it as a go-to hermeneutic for understanding life events.
I’ve been in relationships before where I couldn’t do anything right and was chronically reminded of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, these situations don’t often cause us to become better- instead, we eventually start to believe that we’re just as bad as other people think we are.
I can’t have this kind of relationship with God anymore.
I hope that you can’t either.
Let’s repent together, and stop thinking that God hates us.
Cause honestly, I don’t need anymore enemies (you should see my in-box).
I need friends.

Some of this is left over from dealing with Mrs. Curses. Spiritual abuse like narcissistic abuse can have it's effects too. I have been fighting with God a lot. Some would call it wrestling with God. Others would call it constant arguments. Like this guy above, I can't have this kind of relationship with God anymore either.

I left the IFB as I have mentioned before and a lot of things are changing for me. Seeing God as just another "person" I got to toe the line for or else, wore me the hell out. Unconditional love is a hard thing for ACONs to grasp a hold of since we never had it.

I guess that's my best way to explain it.  I'm done with legalistic churches trying to dictate endless "rules" but I know like many other abused people I struggle with a vision of God being like my abusive parents.

 Like this guy above mentions, there is a lot of time, I feel like God hates me. Some of my health problems are so extreme and the poverty unrelenting and some of the rest, there's days I have just shaken my head. I went around crying to close Christian friends that maybe God hated me like Esau and maybe I should just give it up but they assured me this was not true.  My husband during some of these days, asked me if I was becoming an "atheist" again, I said, "No I do not want to become an atheist again, I believe Christianity is true." He cracked some jokes, I didn't find so funny, saying "Let's take God into the parking lot and kick his butt!" I'm not sure if he was trying to give me a deeper message here: ie God is in control don't be absurd here Peep, or just trying to make me laugh while I was shaking my fists at the heavens.

I realize my relationship with God was seen as a person who could not do anything right. Ie, the whole relationship was built on endless rules and regulations, yes I believe relationship with God was the most important but this idea, that I was "not good" enough for God was in me too. I'm not sure how this will all spiritually pan out yet but it is a process.

Update on this one: I deconverted in 2017 and no longer believe in Christianity or the Christian concept of God. Let's be blunt, one sided relationships where you never hear back from the other party are destined for failure.

Thrush in Hell

 See all that stuff above, I USED all of it. I even have tried crushed Tums, and Benadryl on thrush sores. It didn't work. Warm to hot water with salt, did help "some". Vinegar didn't do squat. Baking soda didn't cut it for me either. 

Sorry I have been gone some time for me, I got the flu and then later I go such terrible thrush, I thought the mouth pain was going to kill me. One day I wanted to clean the kitchen, and it took hours, and I followed my old Occupational Therapist's directions of resting and working for ten minutes at a time. I bleached the whole thing down, I scrubbed cupboards. The fridge was left undone and my husband had to wipe the tiled floor down, but it looked a lot better.

We had maintenance people coming into the apartment to fix a leak in the bathtub plumbing that had raised up a little mold, which is thankfully all fixed and gone. I didn't want them seeing the place look like a pit. One thing worries me every time I "push" myself it seems I get sick. It is frustrating. I can't spend my whole life in bed.

 I got this terrible thrush. My mouth felt like it had been lit on fire. I have tried everything probotics, avoiding sugar like the plague, drinking organic cider vinegar, eating yogurt--I love Siggi's the kind they don't add a ton of sugar to like too many others but can't always afford it, and whatever I can come up with. It's like my immune system is toast.

The flu was horrible but everyone told me it was going around town and even thin and "normal" people were barfing their guts out. How on earth am I catching things when I live as a near hermit? Don't ask me.  Two weeks later, the thrush mouth sores felt like hell warned over. I was crying for 48 hours straight, they kept me awake. I had blisters all over the black of my tongue down my throat.  Shaking my fist to the heavens, I screamed at least twice to God, "Why do You hate me?" My husband said, "You need to go to the ER!". I said, "It will cost 500 dollars, I know this crap is THRUSH!". Nystatin failed. My at home doctors called me in Diflucon. My liver may get eaten but it did make it go away. Linocaine helped with the sore pains, but many I could not reach. Put on the edge of a spoon handle, that was the only way I could drop it into some of the farthest reaches of my mouth and tongue.

 It was so disgusting. I took Nyquil for pain and to allow myself some sleep. I'm even dipping all my toothbrushes in hydrogen peroxide, and other stuff to avoid it again. My sugars have been pretty controlled so I don't know why this is happen. My immune system is crap.  Did two car break downs and lack of money and stress do it? Was being low on food and stuck with food pantry stuff doing it? I felt desperate for salad a few days.

Question to readers, what kind of specialist would deal with immune system problems? I am getting the flu, and thrush way too much. Ironically leg infections have been stable at least lately. I don't want to be given the "You are diabetic and chronically ill lectures" without any real answers as to the root cause. I am not on any steroids either at this point in time although I do use some steroid cream on the psorasis. I have not taken any antibiotics in around 6 months.  I am avoiding sugar like the plague too.

This 600lb Life with James K Horrified Me

This poor man has leg infections up the whazoo. One of the most mistreated areas for fat people is for lymphedema and of course Lipedema. Even looking at this man's earlier pictures, one can tell his lymph system is falling with the multiple bulges in his legs. They claim he is an eating addict, like they do with everyone on 600lb life, but one thing I knew for sure seeing this show was this man had serious lymphedema and infection problems that were being massively NEGLECTED FOR YEARS. I am surprised he had not died alone from that. He doesn't have the best personality either. This show doesn't make fat people look good. Going to Dr. Now should have been the last thing on his list, his legs were so bad. I didn't like seeing the Dad mortgage the house or the young daughter having her future put on hold to be a caretaker. The marriage also seemed off. I think they chose the most extreme fat people for this show even beyond the physical.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

More Protesting

This poster got a bit water logged the other day, during a rainy protest time but some people found it amusing. As one ages, one wonders how people fall for the same lies of politicians over and over. This country has been short of hope for a long time.  LOL I made Trump look like a little kid like one of the Peanuts kids. He seems immature to me which is weird having a president who seems to be mentally a child. Our local protesting continues. 

She Destroyed My Winning of The School Reading Contest

Above is the actual book, I hid that with the comics journal too and STILL have it.
This is a strange memory that returned recently.
When I was young, I was considered very gifted. I had aced some of those tests they give young children and I was able to read adult books by the age of 7. I remember my mother getting pissed when my third grade level teacher told her I was gifted.
My undealt with Aspergers helped with some of these skills but there was many other detriments I had to deal with.
My school held a school wide reading contest, it was based on whatever kid read the most books over a set period of time won. This was a test designed for me. I was a voracious reader and hung out at the library as much as possible.
I won the school contest and they had an awards ceremony, my mother was there. They gifted me this new book and gave me a certificate. My mother started screaming at my teachers about how the book they chose for my prize was way below my reading level and embarrassed me. The book, I still have it, was an illustrated African folk tale. I liked it a lot. She of course didn't. She ranted and raved about this book, waving it over her head. She didn't compliment me on winning or anything else, she just wanted to fight.
So I started crying and all the teachers were disgusted and angry. I am sure this is what she wanted, to destroy the pleasant life I at least shared with some teachers and the joy of learning.
She ruined one of the few shining moments I had during childhood as a lonely little Aspie bookworm.
The path to destruction was on it's way.

No More Fawning Fat Woman


The other day I yelled at someone in front of 40 people and did not care. I would do it again too. Sometimes I think the years of disrespect and being housed in a very socially hated body have gotten to me. While I am too big for most people to get in my face and overtly abuse me, and got some bearing during my Chicago years to avoid the worse abuses, there is still that "subtle covert" abuse crap to contend with. I notice some neurotypicals are really into their unwritten rules and if you dare breach their endless rules they go nuts, and are in your face. There is also the tinge of ableism here. Why couldn't I be left in peace while I was helping?

 There are times I have weird thoughts to myself about what it would mean to be "accepted" and I dwell far too negatively upon the lot of my life, and how life would have been far better if I had a "normal body" or had a "normal amount of money". The grief over lack of status in life seems worse when one is older. I've realized since these moments of self castigation are not doing me any favors, but it seems, when I calm down and feel in peace within myself, something always happens to make it too known that people do not "see me" like others.

We went to the food co-op, and my husband was in a hurry as usual which irritates me, I am not angry at him but his endless legion of meetings and responsibilities for so little seems to bear down on me.  He tells me, "We got to be out of here by 6:00 pm" and "You gotta go with me" to a board meeting he has to report on just with the pressures of time. Sometimes it feels weird to me, he has to interview these well-heeled people with suburban houses, and secure jobs, and here we are struggling at the food pantry and food co-op. This is one of those weeks between car repairs, and paper work, even I am tired, wondering why a disabled woman has to do so much "work" taking a jaundiced eye at the blown up kitchen, that has a pile of mess in there just for me making some chicken breasts with salad and rice. When I am not housebound, I try to help him with some stuff. I'm supposed to show up at the food coop at least some of the time.

Anyhow since he is in a hurry, at the food co-op, I thought I would help unpack some boxes and get things moving.  Being disabled I have rules about "moving around". If I can breathe I want to move a little bit.  I would be fatter if I never moved and that is always in the back of my mind.

That day was a "good" COPD day so I figure why not. The food co-op run by a church has us unbox our own food. I'm too weak to unload the boxes but can take some of the food and put it in the baskets they use to separate the food.

 I can tell they do not want me helping. I tried helping and because there was a few baskets that still needed meat and I was keeping my eye on those, this guy gets in my face, and tells me, "to stop what I am doing". It makes no sense to me as later, others will repeat my action of putting cereal into the baskets, but I notice my mere presence seems to be pissing people off and it makes me angry. So I let the anger show and I say "Leave me the hell alone" and "Get out of my face".  I later worry I will be thrown out of the food co-op. This guy who looks healthy enough to have a good factory job, stomps off, and complains about me.

 Some weird rule about all baskets need to be filled with the meat first so things "are not crushed" is announced to the group. There was never any danger of the cereal being crushed or anything like that.  We had no soft bread or crackers among the canned goods and boxed things. I had broken some "neurotypical" rule and also broken the rule as a disabled woman, I am not supposed to do anything or "take intiative" and just "passively watch".  Because I am seen as "low status", some guy decides to tell me what to do like he is my factory foreman.

I don't regret standing up for myself. I think next time I will be "left alone". It is weird to me when adults run off to tattle, like they are 12.

It has occurred to me because of my weight and state of being in the world, people just see me in the way. I am "not liked". It does disturb me.  One does not want to go through life being "hated" just for being physically present, but that to be honest with you all, is the fate of the severely obese.  Why sugar coat it? This stuff needs stood up against, for any change.

It is ironic, because if I "gave up" like they all claim we do, I'd never leave the house, I would not be able to walk. I wonder if that happens to some severely fat people because the endless bullcrap one is forced to put up with breaks one soul. It is getting to me. I am drawing stronger boundaries on myself, I have to. I don't want to put up with it.

I hit my late 40s and got tired of being pushed aside. Sure all us ACONS worry about fleas and there is that piece of me thinking "Quit being selfish" but I got pushed into being part of the wallpaper too long. Why did this guy think he had the right to order me around, I was OLDER then he was.

When I did all this no contact thing, it changed me. I used to fawn like hell to make up for being so fat, to make up for being me. There was always a smile for everyone. It also made me more of prey.  In Chicago, I did have to learn to fight some to survive, it was fight or be squished, and that changed me, but the mode of people pleasing remained overall intact.  How did the jolly fat person thing get started, oh we had to smile all the time not to get beaten up? I'm just not in the mood to be that person anymore. 

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Evil Lives Here

I watch a lot of crime shows on Investigation Discovery and also the TV show 48 hours. When surrounded by evil people and considering the work I used to do with violent and criminal teens, the examination of evil in this life becomes of interest.  This is a new one I discovered a few weeks ago called Evil Lives Here. If one wants to watch a primer on malignant narcissists and sociopaths that go into full criminality and murder, here is your show. What should scare you is this show details the ones who actually got caught, if you think of the numbers doing their swathe of destruction unencumbered. The show asks "What if the person closest to you was a devil in disguise—would you see the signs?"

Many of us ACONs know about devils in disguise first hand. Not all malignant narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths include actual physical murder beyond all the soul murder among their list of evil deeds, but some do.

The show I saw was called "She Made Me Do It" where a young boy has an evil sociopathic mother talk him into murdering his father. The show is very sad because they interview the real man, who is now middle aged and out of prison and full of remorse. It shows how the mother worked on him night and day and threatened him with abandonment and worse and even got his brother to murder their grandmother. The mother is crazy trying to poison the father for years and controls both sons until later when the grandmother's murder is discovered and they all go to prison.

This video above is of a show about an evil brother called "My Brother's Secrets". This guy is definitely a full blown psychopath. When his brother Sean details, that Patrick will take whatever he wanted without fear of repercussions, that definitely is a sign of his lack of conscience. Patrick doesn't care about any punishment. One thing about pyschopaths/sociopaths is their lack of fear, that definitely is a marker for them. They don't care about what is right and wrong. Sociopaths love to torture others, Patrick locks Sean in a trunk. Sean says at that point, "If he had sympathy, I don't think he did.".

Sean says "I don't recall him ever apologizing to me ever". These types do not apologize as they believe themselves never to be wrong. Later it is discovered his brother is a serial killer. It scares me when the mother says of Patrick, "It never was a choice for him, it was a urge." I don't think so, people choose to be evil. Sean details how he feels his mother chose Patrick over him. Even the mother admits he never felt remorseful.

Mama June Hopes to Redeem Herself Via Weight Loss

There's a lot more wrong with this woman then being fat since she dated a child molester back in 2014.  She even had her show canceled over this scandal. It looks like she had weight loss surgery. It gets disgusting when our society parades the worse people as being so "much better now" just because they happened to lose weight. Of course Honey Boo Boo was part of the cultural meme, of mocking poor fat people to the masses as they sold things like high fructose sugar drinks in the grocery store.

Saturday, March 4, 2017


Picture by me from last month.

When People Can't Afford Medical Bills

 US Health Care: Patients are Literally Begging for Money to Pay Bills.

I used to watch Breaking Bad.

I'm not the most pious person, I still watch Better Call Saul.  I told my husband that show teaches situational ethics once, but then I told him I understood how someone could fall to the dark side in desperation from terminal cancer and major medical bills. However Walter White makes a hideous descent into full blown evil.

One thing that scares me is I keep seeing people having benefits to pay medical bills, this kid got cancer and they are having a spaghetti dinner at a local church.  The dinners average around 10 dollars. Dozens of those posters are all over. I never can afford those dinners, if we are eating out, I want lunch and the aim is for around 5 bucks each, with coupons in tow.  This one upper middle class family I know, the father of the family got pancreatic cancer, and they are doing Dialing for Dollars and "Go Fund Me" pages and he had a good enough job that would have health insurance. These are nice people, will they be poor like me soon since the one working man of the house has fallen ill?It scares me that this man who made at least 90,000 a year, is now needing to do fund raising for cancer.

Why do Americans think this is okay? There's medical care I choose to put off or forgo, due to costs. I haven't seen my dermatologist in two years, I wanted to see a specialist for my mouth sores but have put it off. There's times with flu and various other problems I have wanted to go to the ER but unless I am acutely dying or once lost all my hearing and another time I had a softball growing out of my face, I stayed home. I don't want to know what people with cancer are being charged. If I get cancer, I think I will take my chances with apricot seeds and some sour sop leaves.

A spaghetti dinner wouldn't even cover one month of my medical bills and I haven't needed to go to the hospital in a while and haven't had any major scans since my annual kidney scan in July. How do we get all these Republicans in this country who act like everyone should just go die in the gutter? I went to go protest for Social Security and Medicare again, and wrote "SAY NO TO TOM PRICE" on the protest sign but they confirmed him anyway. They must have cooked the votes, because I don't see enough Scrooge McDucks around to put these people in.

My old IFB pastor from the nicer church in my old town, tried to tell me on Facebook that Canada had horrible medical care and all these people his Canadian wife knew had died, but I said, "Better some medical care then none"! I pointed out my own husband's ten year's lack of medical insurance and he didn't even try to argue those points. I told him I WISHED I lived in Canada now.  Are all those stories of Canadians dropping like flies because of waiting lists are over-exaggerated? He's got his boat and 4 kids and supports a non-working wife without a hiccup. The hospital hounded me so bad over 20 bucks it was insane. I paid them the beginning of this month.  I have so many medical bills and can barely keep track of them all. If they do nasty stuff to Medicare, I am not going to be able to stay alive.

I limited my visits to my lymph therapist to two visits to afford them. I have noticed you don't get as long to pay as you used to. What is scary while things are bad for me, some of the basics are covered well at least for now. I hear people with jobs that don't pay very much or poor insurance being told they have to come up with 5,000 dollars to pay for life saving surgeries. Some I am sure simply don't have the money. My husband was told to pay for a vein surgery once, some up front amount he never could afford, he simply went without.Today I shocked someone saying I got pills from the Internet before when I slid through the cracks, there was no choice, back then. The company was legal, but every medication was a generic from overseas. Today, that would not be doable, I'm on three "namebrand" medications without generics. Sometimes I have wanted to wean myself off various medication but with these three, staying alive comes first.

I tend to think a for profit medical system is a bit insane. Like lives themselves are on the chopping block if you can't come up with the cash. Insurance isn't the same way it used to be. When my husband had jobs in the early 2000s, I had supplemental insurance through his jobs, and we know today there is nowhere near that kind of insurance now and the deductibles far far far higher. Americans are used to doctors getting rich, which I don't think is happening as much as it used to, and to expect a certain quality care, but it freaks me out, that Americans now are having to beg for money every time there is a very severe illness. Something is wrong with that. 

Sweet Tea That was Brown Colored Sugar Water

I sometimes get juice from food pantries.

The other day I got this "Sweet Tea" advertising itself as having real sugar, and not high fructose corn syrup which it had detailed on the package from one food pantry.

I decided to have a sip, hoping for something that tasted like tea and followed my usual habit of watering it down to add flavor to my water. Out of curiosity, I took 1 sip of the stuff, and it was so sweet, I was grossed out. I tasted nothing of tea, it was like someone had added 10 cups of sugar to a litre of water and colored it brown. Beggars can't be choosers, but I uncorked that one and poured it down the drain, it had no redeeming value.

It shocks me that they are selling stuff with no flavor except for that of sugar. The food pantries even passed out something called "Bug Juice" which seems to be sold to kids and I don't touch that stuff, it's high fructose corn syrup added to water with dye, according to the ingredients and NOTHING else, and they wonder why so many people are getting sick here?