Saturday, January 22, 2022

Narcissistic Abuse and Invalidation Overlaps With Covid Lies


I don't want to be part of the divide and conquer, but I worry about never feeling the same again about  the people who invalidated me, minimized me, and sought to silence me. There was one guy I knew on Facebook who I risked being open with who told me they should hold me down and force the shot on me. He came back to apologize, but I just didn't respond. He crossed a line of bad behavior. Why put up with it?  The other day I was saying to my husband, "Some of these people are nice to me, but I could never trust them in the same way I could before." I just feel betrayed. They support all this. I tried to talk to a few, but I couldn't get through to most, I was wasting my time. 

 I could accept people just disagreeing, that's fine, but remember this is an issue where we will not be left alone and are not being left alone to live our lives in peace. Agreeing to disagree is fine, but what if these are folks who want your rights taken away and support you being harmed?  I already got "banned" from places. When one has to walk on eggshells so much it sucks.  When one loses friends over sincerely held beliefs that sucks more. 

 It has you question things.  My whole life has been diminished.  I feel rejected, betrayed, ignored, invalidated at some incredible depths. One new friend who sees through all this, said to me, "I think you need some new people to be around". Maybe I do. Outside of internet friendships and I lost some of those and a couple local friends, I have no people I can be open with. I told a few who I did not agree with me but who didn't cut me off but some did. One has to ask all the time, who is safe to share your real opinions with? That's a change in our social discourse isn't it. Join a team of right or left even though they both suck.  The irony of all this is I am positive my family followed the mainstream scripts, they did on everything. No contact is a relief, because I cannot imagine the pressures of being treated as the "dirty" "unclean" unvaxxed from that lot too. 

Some "liberals" have treated me the same as the Christian fundamentalists for going against "dogma". Remember how I talked about losing Christian friends after my deconversion? Well now I am losing "liberal" ones. I made a lot of my own mistakes, letting politics and religion complicate too many things but with some I would even keep my mouth shut about the complicated stuff, and they'd figure it out and still be upset.

Some friends I remained at peace with, where we disagreed on these matters. However staying quiet for peace is hard especially when you notice how sick people are getting with complicated illnesses. These were formerly healthy people too. Many don't connect the dots, a few did and have regrets. You want to scream on behalf of having your friends stay alive, "Don't take any more boosters!" but know inside you will just aggravate them and put more friendships at risk. There's a few too where warnings went unheeded and they got sick. I'm not a "I told you so" type, but standing by watching all this is painful. Watching people destroy formerly good health is nightmare fuel to a chronically ill person who has spent 30 years outrunning the Grim Reaper. This reminds me of times watching the narcissists harm others while accepting everything they did, even to their own detriment. Narcissists love to paint self-destruction buttons on people's backs.

 I've had people distance themselves from me for the most minor of questions of Covid dogma and preaching from on high. What is scary is I believe the virus is real, I wore a KN95 in the presence of every other human person besides my husband for two years, but because I am not in full agreement with the failing vaxxes and their risks, I am to be censored, ignored, and to have the door shut in my face. Just like the uber dogmatic Christians who considered my presence a threat, the same goes for some so called "liberals", whose immediate response to my ideas has been censorship, distancing, unfriending, banning and silencing. This too is a repeat of the malignant narcissist's invalidation and silencing.

 One problem I am facing in life is realizing I am one of those people who is told my viewpoints should be silenced and this again is no different from my life in the family where I was told all my views were "wrong". I want to throw up when people lob 1984 terms at me like "misinformation". Do they realize they are just telling me that I have committed "thought crime"? When a society burns up the last remnants of free speech, that society is on the way down the chute. Do you think someone whose had a life like me, who has lost so much, is interested in towing the line and accepting the lies? I walked away from my entire family because I was sick of lies. Why should I accept lies now?

Watching a slew of people who don't know my vaxx status on Facebook going on about how the unvaxxed should be rounded up, fined, fired from jobs and punished and even put in camps, has been frightening. Add to this, the more recent announcements of many folks catching Covid, hospitalizations and watching the failure of the vaxxes front and center while being told they "work". This reminds me of the crazy-making for years among the narcissists. Everything was to be denied for the status quo and world view of the narcissistic controllers. 

I have so few I can talk to and be "me" around that it's not funny, and it's made me very depressed. I am even on the fence about various organizations which have proven themselves to be Covid dogma city. I think I am the only one in some of the places who questions any of this except maybe one guy who left and I'm not sure of all of his opinions. It's scary to think, "What if these people found out how I really feel? Would I be thrown out?" Watching people still believe in these vaxxes and the rest of the garbage the powers that be are shoveling as we are still locked down and masked up 2 years in, makes me feel like I'm losing my sanity. What's wrong with these people? One thing I have noticed with the Covid religion, is even asking questions gets you censure. None of them want anyone around who thinks too much, or who says "Something is wrong," This was the same with my scapegoaters--"Don't ask questions", "Keep your Mouth Shut", and being constantly told, "You are crazy!". It occurs to me I can share endless links of real scientific studies and more and be told that over and over. So many dissenting scientists and doctors have been marginalized in this whole fiasco who have been told they are crazy too. 

My husband has warned me not to get envious, but what am I to think of people too who took endless vacations and have not economically or psychologically suffered from Covid at all but who still believe someone like me should be banned from restaurants, travel and groups? I'm scared of catching it, remember I believe 'something is out there' even if they are using false positives from PCR tests. What am I to think of these people who seem to lack natural fear? The personality of Americans alarms me.

 I find myself thinking the "managerial class" as Kunstler calls them, and I call them "technocrats" really do see themselves as "above it all" and beyond the normal outcomes of suffering and death. If one's life has gone according to script, and one can escape on constant lovely vacations and have no repercussions to their social lives seeing large extended families and close friends with no restraint, will their experience of Covid be anywhere near that of many of the suffering? They can get caught up in the drama and virtue signaling of it all, thinking they are doing good, while advancing totalitarianism and harm. This is definitely a place where the divide between the haves and have nots in this society is utterly vast, they don't even understand the reality of others.  Kunstler is right about the "status" seeking of the more educated whose nice corporate and other jobs expected and rewarded conformity.  To be frank, we are now all in danger from their "out of touch" view of life. I find myself wondering how many homeless there are now, and it hasn't escaped my attention, the suffering and poverty became more hidden. Among the mainstream left, their suffering has become non-existent and totally denied.

 A recent long time commenter's decision to "dump" this blog and walk, because of the things I write about Covid does not surprise me. Instead of questioning why things are growing worse, they blame those who have warned the emperor has no clothes from the start. The madness grows worse.  The level of denial extreme. One thing I am noticing is now they are blaming Covid [the disease itself] for just about everything from vision problems, and myocarditis. Being on the autistic spectrum, I have somewhat of a memory and notice details, and one detail is that THIS IS NEW. The gaslighting and manipulation jobs are endless. I'm observing some vaxxed friends getting sick as dogs, with everything from third stage kidney failure to severe eye problems to headaches, to fatigue, and no one can put the puzzle pieces together? The rule "to not talk about it" is one I will break. The silent betray the sick.

 Many who I have tried to talk to things about, distanced themselves, and walked out the door. None ever tried to present arguments. They know their "side" is full of lies. Look at our world NOW, the vaxxes have failed. You took it thinking you could say Goodbye to masks, lockdowns and be back in the real world. They lied to you and you can't even admit it. How come none of you demanded higher quality? That too is the same as life among the narcissists, the entire bottom can fall out, but the narcissists expect obedience even as things fall apart. Our entire society is at risk now, because we have corrupt abusers, sociopaths and narcissists running the show, and there's no grown ups in the room to say, "Hey this is not working!" These same sociopaths put us in this position to begin with. Science gave us nuclear bombs and now may give us extinction level viruses due to hubris and evil. All those gain of function monsters should have been imprisoned at the start of this but instead they are running the show. Believe "The Science TM", give me a fucking break. They caused this to begin with whether it was accidentally or knowingly released. Those who read and study, know the Coronavirus that can infect humans was made to be this way in a lab. 

Human pride is a funny thing I guess. Many knew my narcissistic abusers were liars and even said so but they'd double down on the family script, this is nothing new to me. The human worship of power is probably going to lead to our extinction. Just the fact that there are not hordes of people pissed off at the "gain of function" monsters who unleashed this nightmare on us, tells me something is wrong. 

As a "truthteller" in my family, I was hated almost the minute I came out of the egg donor's womb. People don't like personalities where we want to know what is going on. They want us to shut up and go away--same as the family. Get in line and shut up and don't ask too many questions. That's how things were for me growing up. All the smart people who weren't suck up losers and wanted to fix things, were sidelined during this one, the profiteers, liars and others who want a "new society" no matter who dies or suffers are the ones who have run this show. 

The other day I said to my husband, "I will never feel the same about the people who accepted all this, and supported mandates, tyranny and ownership and control of our bodies by the system." There's days I wake up and want to kick every Covid disciple out of my life because I am beyond fed up. I don't want to be part of the powers that be dividing everyone, but there's times I think that. As enablers to abusers betrayed me, enablers to this are betrayers too. Some vaxxed people who do honor liberty and human freedom, are allies, but some are not and they enable gross inequity and the destruction of the last vestiges of freedom. 

I try to ignore it all but it's there. Never a minute to relax. My entire social life and freedom of movement destroyed because some billionaires wanted to make more money. I'm pissed off. Even watching all these people accept all this without one little nugget of anger or remorse or any feelings about it all, troubles the hell out of me. Some of us could not afford to lose two years of life. I have cried over those who died never to see the end to all this. Where are people's emotions? Why aren't people outraged? That's too like the narcissistic cult, no one speaks against the top dogs. No one dares to share emotions. It's like living in a cult, smile your way through while the world burns. Hmm maybe all that "think positive" crap had a reason to be promoted by the powers that be. They can do the worse, and people will deny it all, and punish those who talk about reality. 

Some of the people who support all this really do want people like me locked up, or denied medical care. I watch a Facebook feed for the last year and half blaming the unvaxxed for everything, and I only told a few my status. And these are some "liberals" who claim to have love and compassion for others. No one cares about medical exemptions when they are banning you from their endless parties. None of them seem to be afraid which kind of freaks me the hell out as they take their endless vacations and trips and see others who don't seem to be afraid either. That's one thing in America never admit fear. So I got the right wing telling me I'm a sucker for wearing a mask even being high risk, but the left telling I am an evil "unclean" unvaxxed even as they openly spread the virus between each other, get sick enough for the hospital and seem unable to wake up to the fact the vaxx has failed. 

I know what it is to be lied to, to be manipulated, to be given a "false reality" that is not matching reality staring you in the face. My motive to just fucking stay alive, means no clot shot poison. I don't want to be blind, or lose the rest of the hearing or have my autoimmune diseases worsened including the one that can give me lupus or the one that can make my muscles too weak to use, that is just attacking the skin right now. But that's not understood by any of these people either. I took the gambit, of "Well they can live their lives, make their own medical choices, and I will make mine". That's fair isn't it? But they are the ones who support mandates, punishments and constant threats to comply or be harmed. I am afraid of Covid but more and more I fear them. Some are even demanding mandates be brought back so more people can be fired from jobs and have their lives be ruined. No jobs means homelessness for most people. The hidden homelessness which is out of control. 

So one guy walked away from here? Well it was just an internet loose association. I'm used to it. I've had friends walk away. I'm hiding who I am to be safe with many people. Is that how you are having to live? One reason people sell out and don't ask questions, is because it's easier. Let others do your thinking for you and people will do this even to the detriment of their own lives. Try living my life. I believe in the end one of us is going to be proven right or wrong. That's the way it's going to go isn't it? I don't think the shots will be harmless in the long run, they've already hurt people including several friends. I don't know how much danger we are from the virus, if Omicron means it's almost over, fine, but if there are new variants that are worse, it may be time to sing the sirensong for humanity. I once read years ago in a science fiction book, that humanity would be destroyed via a "cold". That still gives me shudders. The evil and incompetent combined have destroyed our lives. 

I won't forgive those who took two years of my life away, shortened my deceased friend's lifespan or did this to the world. They are unforgiveable and even though I don't believe in hell anymore, there's some on earth that probably deserve the place. 

Friday, January 21, 2022

"No Time for Crybabies"

 No Time for Crybabies

"It’s a fact that more-educated folks are most susceptible to mass delusion, and the reason will surprise you. It’s because of status-seeking. Yes, even more than money. We’re hard-wired for it. And status is liable to send money in your direction, anyway. Among the educated managerial class, going along with everybody else is crucial because careerism in a bureaucratic system, public or private, demands it. If you seek to rise in the hierarchy, or are just angling for brownie points, you must appear to subscribe to the reigning beliefs-of-the-moment, no matter how crazy, and the punishments are severe for appearing to not go along— like losing your career and livelihood, and all prospects of a comfortable life.

The main belief-of-the-moment is that battling the invisible menace called Covid-19 requires the most extreme measures, and anyone against that is an enemy, a domestic terrorist! Thus, it is most urgent to “vaccinate” every human being in the nation. Why? Because Dr. Tony Fauci, America’s doctor, says so. Why does he say so? Because the Covid-19 “vaccines” are the crowning achievement in his long vainglorious quest to bring forth a world-saving magic cure for a dread disease. And since Dr. Fauci is The Science incarnate, and The Science must be followed (because…come on… we are modern people in a modern world ruled by Science), we must follow Dr. Fauci!

But it’s obvious now, after a year on-the-scene, that the vaxxes work poorly at best to protect against infection or control the spread, and, at worst, induce terrible long-term damage to organs, blood vessels, and the immune system. The vaxxes can kill you or gravely disable you. The statistics in the CDC’s VAERS registry show this in no uncertain terms: 1,003,992 Covid vaxx adverse event reports including 21,745 deaths linked to them through January 7 — and these figures are said to be deeply understated due to the poor design and difficulty using the VAERS website with its clunky, out-dated code that the CDC refuses to fix.

Dr. Fauci has avoided addressing these adverse reactions and the negative efficacy of the “vaccines.” He simply states that the vaxxes are “safe and effective.” That so many Americans believe him, despite all the evidence, and go along with the crusade to vaxx-up everybody, is proof that they are insane. But now that the whole story is unravelling, they are ever more determined to stick to the script. Covid-19 has been their security blanket for two years. As long as it was in the picture, raging and killing as an invisible demon, it could be the focus of all their free-floating terror.

Terror of what, you might ask? Of the meaninglessness, alienation, and debility induced by the managerial class in its own sick institutions and corporations… in short, the 21st-century America that the managers evolved in and supported — a culture of junk food, junk work, junk art, junk environments, junk government, junk economics, and, lately, junk science… a sickening panorama of systems out-of-control and entering failure mode. Confronting the disaster of its own incapacity to sustain a healthy culture and an economy with a future, the managerial class went nuts. Its insane actions now are killing people while seeking to punish those who refuse to walk sheepishly into America’s version of the gas chamber, the Anthony Fauci “vaccines.”

See rest of the article at the link....

Friday, January 14, 2022

This Article Sums Up How I Feel About Covid

 The Violence of the Mandate Intensifies the Psychology of Trauma: A View from New Zealand

As I wrote, a history of PTSD/CPTSD and Covid are not a good mix. I mourn my former walk into recovery that is being challenged by all this garbage. I am against all violence except legal self defense, but to be frank many of us feel like the powers want to harm us. The months of being told disabled life is "unworthy" especially fat people is another side issue that the eugenicists pushed upon us. I have discussed fleeing to another country such as Mexico with my husband but our money and resources are low.

I do know I would have to flee if they ever decided to force shots on people like me or take away disability or other things I've seen being done in other countries. I am discussing a few of these issues very lightly with some friends but it makes me sad, that the majority of people in my life, still support all this. As the government mandates, lockdowns and more are failing and we have been denied treatments such as IVM, or even researched new ones, I believe society is in danger of collapse.  Some people are waking up but it's still too few. I hope everyday the obvious cannot be denied.

The edges are already fraying. It is a repeat back to my former abuse, the flashbacks of times in Chicago digging for food in trash cans, and other attempted violence against me has come back. My life is still "stable" now, aka paid for rent and basic bills, but honestly there's no feeling of safety for me in such a world. There are far more people in worse situations than me who are facing even more drastic life problems such as cancer, worse economic despair, and their needs have become ignored as everything has become about the Covid narrative and it's failed response. 

"As a practicing psychologist, I work with many survivors of abuse; and I have heard from a number of them that they experience this situation very much like former experiences of sexual or physical abuse—someone who has a power-over relationship with them is essentially saying to them, “Either you let me inject this substance into your body against your will, or I will severely punish you [i.e., take away your livelihood and possibly many other freedoms].”

Sound like an extreme analogy? For many people, this is exactly what it feels like. Fortunately, not everyone experiences this dilemma so acutely, but most people still experience it as a traumatic event to some degree nonetheless.

In addition to the threat of the loss of your livelihood, you also experience a threat to your essential human rights, and a threat to the human rights of nearly everyone in your community more generally. You probably have some awareness of the many slides into totalitarianism that have occurred within human history, and the pattern of the steady erosion of freedoms and human rights that typically precede such descent into tyranny. 

You are probably also aware of the more extremes of such cases, in which one section of the population was scapegoated and ostracised or even subjected to massacre and genocide. So now having very little trust in your government, and experiencing a serious violation of the human rights of yourself and others, your fear and associated threat response is likely to grow even further. You find yourself face to face with a very serious and potentially overwhelming traumatic event.

So if you’re someone experiencing such a traumatic event, how do you imagine you would respond? First, you’re likely to fight, to form allies with others in the same boat, to do your best to harness power and resources and fend off the threat (i.e., find a way to maintain your livelihood without having to violate the sovereignty of your body with a potentially harmful substance). 

When it appears that you may not win the fight, you may fight back even harder. Like an animal pinned in a corner, you may feel compelled to resort to violence in some way. If the fight fails, you may try to ‘flight,’ run to some other country that would not force you to face the same threat, but this is not a viable option for many New Zealanders (or many others around the world). "

Sunday, January 9, 2022

Me and Revelation


As you all know, I used to be a fundamentalist Christian and even had a conspiracy and bible prophecy blog. Sometimes I've suffered some cognitive dissonance lately, why are the elite doing things I warned about circa 2010? It's a bit worrying. 

The whole world seems to be under delusion. Revelations 13 seems to be happening as they tell people they can't buy, sell or travel unless they do a certain something. All our governments have rapidly moved into totalitarianism. Hell I used to warn about the Fema camps in 2003 on conspiracy boards, and Australia, Austria and Germany have them set up for people. Yeah what am I supposed to think? I was right about 9-11, then they were starting to clamp down but now they are busily building the matrix for the Great Reset and the "Internet of Bodies". 

One thing I am noticing is the people who are awake about this Covid garbage, even if they are not necessarily religious or of my background are asking questions like why are our leaders [aka parasites] so evil? Why have they taken things so far? Why did they do insane bullshit like the gain of function stuff that led us to this place? Why is the world acting as one in the insanity? Why is there no 'safe' country to run to? Some have theorized to me Mexico and Romania would be safer. Others think China is fighting WWIII, and we already lost, full of mRNA ticking timebombs in everyone that took it and only the West is screwed.

That part freaks me out the most because when I was a fundamentalist, I would go on and on about the "one world government" and "one world religion" and even wrote articles about how the "great awakening" would be fake, and bring in the Antichrist. There were conspiracy people who believed it would be used to bring down world governments so a one world government joined by the UN would take full charge. 

Usually when people deconvert, they are so fed up with religion, and God, they may even bounce to complete atheism. It makes sense. I went into agnosticism, but now think there is a God/Source but he's not as cruel, blood and sacrificing demanding as the fundamentalist/evangelical Christian god. I am still technically a Universalist that sees truth in other world religions such as Native American religions and the Sikhs. I still think hell is sociopathic and like the ultimate human revenge fantasy projected onto God. I still like many of Jesus's core teachings. A lot was add-ons by those desiring power.

More and more I believe the world religions are controlled by the top, no church is perfect not even my own.  I read some really weird stuff, always had that strange Aspie interest in religion and esotericism, maybe it's gotten me into trouble. I have been reading up on Gnosticism, archons and those who believe this world is a prison planet and those exposing the Saturn Cube cult.  I also have been reading books on Native American spirituality.

 Religiously I know I am an odd bird.  I am too autistic to do religion right. For most neurotypicals it is a social affair, to be with like-minded people and mold themselves into the group and find happiness in it. They do well in it. Some people have found a lot of purpose in the positive sides of religion. This applies to me in the UU.

For me the main objective was always to find out what was TRUE. At this point in the game, I think I have admitted my many limitations, and that certainty is impossible on such a complex planet and on a little piece of 2 trillion galaxies in the knowable universe. I can't go with a God that punishes people over not getting every little belief right on a check list. 

There's probably not many Unitarian Universalists wondering if Revelations 13 is coming true or if they will be joining the other dissenters in the camps. If there is another Unitarian Universalist who by some chance sees this and reads what I have to say and questions the Covid narrative too, come talk to me. Spiritually as a UU, I don't want the creeps invading the human genome and destroying my life, and as I wrote in my speech to my UU Natural Life vs Machine Life, I have kept my interest in the organic radical movement alive. 

There's times I even wondered if I would be forced out of my UU because of my different beliefs about Covid, I've shared them with a few, but so far so good. As people know the mainstream liberal world is not an easy one for us freethinkers. Some UUs were troublemakers in history who questioned the status quo so why not me? Servetus got burned at the stake. 

 It's hard watching people I care about line up for vaxxes I think will harm them. This was true of many friends in life. I am the minority by far in not joining them and an ultra minority that doesn't fit either side, and still wears KN95 masks around and complicated "real" science articles trying to make sense of this all.

I don't want to go on the metaverse.  I do believe they are enslaving us with technology. That said, I have no interest in returning to the fundamentalist/evangelical world. That world burnt me to a crisp. My husband got worried for a time, but I told him, that won't work either. There are times I regret my deconversion and have conflicting feelings about it. 

There's times I wonder what was wrong with me, I couldn't stay happy in one religion. I don't know if it is a personal failing or not. I've been a UU now for 19 years total as an adult, if you add my early years in it and the time since my return, but I've definitely have done my share of religious wondering.

I said to my husband, "Why am I such a commitmentphobe when it comes to religion? I am not when it comes to romantic relationships obviously!". There's times I envy the Christians I left behind not troubled by so many questions but that world became a cage to me. Fundamentalism was an abuse factory that pushed total authoritarianism. The guy on the Pair of Docks blog warned that after deconversion from a cult, there can be coping with regression and other issues even for years. 

 Sometimes discussing Covid stuff there's a lot of Christians around. Some told me they think I am still "saved" but immensely backslidden and confused and that's why I see through the Covid narrative. I won't get into all that but I know what's evil and what's not and have a conscience that cries out against all the insanity happening. I am happy for anyone of any beliefs who sees through the barrage of insanity, gaslighting, bullshit, and horrors the world has experienced over the last two years and what they seem to have planned for us all.

I suppose I am a full-fledged conspiracy theorist again, how can conspiring be a theory when they do so much of it? I know a lot of conspiracy stuff was propaganda and lies like Qanon, but some is true. We aren't told the truth in our news anymore. Some of us have to work with limited information. When they claim mass formation psychosis is a conspiracy, I feel like we are living in 1984 too.

Both left and right failed me. I hang in there with the UUs because  they believe in freedom of conscience. Everyone else wanted me to parrot their preachers and obey and sit in a pew and give up thinking and I left.  I won't do it for any neo-liberal people either on the other side of the aisle either.

I just wish the world wasn't such a crazy place. This was bad timing for the world to become apocalyptical.

Abuse Invalidation


I saw this recently, and thought it was an interesting list. One thing I always tell younger ACONs or those new to no contact, is be careful who you "share the news" with. You don't want to get burned. One life lesson for me as an Aspie is I needed to be more careful of sharing vulnerabilities or what normal people see as "weaknesses" many years ago. I am far more careful who I share the details of my life with. Increased boundaries did improve my stress levels in life. I was such an open book, it scares me looking back. A lot of the normies did give me a hard time. Those early no contact years were so rough, it's like everyone wanted a piece of me.

 I divided my life, in the "before times" and after times, in an odd way. No one new learns about "the family." Sometimes I think I don't do a good enough job hiding it, I know my creative writing group has gotten a few hints of my past but as far as the story goes, to them it's all fiction. They don't realize I am one of those people whose earlier life was so unique it makes exciting fictional stories. It's so crazy no one would believe it was real. I try to throw humor into it all too to take the edge off. 

  I remember my years and years of trying to tell people and it was a mistake. The way this world works people with normal families just aren't going to understand and I used to write and warn about that. Many ACONs do report that other people will distance themselves from them. They will get uncomfortable and tell you to be quiet, and not want to be as close. Many will indeed accuse you of negativity. They tell you it's "your fault" or put pressure to reconcile or "forgive".

 I did successfully rewrite my life, certain people have been gone so long, they just don't exist in my reality anymore. One thing once the cat is out of the bag, if someone treats you this way, make sure to be careful around them. It can tell you who to trust, do people have empathy for you or do they identify with your abusers? Otherwise be careful who you let it out to. 

The Peep Stamp Collection is Still Growing


Here are some recent additions. Stamp collecting has been the perfect hobby to have for these times. I can easily spend hours on my stamp collection. Before Covid, I belonged to this large stamp club where we would hold auctions, it was some distance away but a fellow stamp club member and friend would take me there. It is a hobby that is oddly male dominated, there was maybe 1 female stamp collector for every 30 men. I love it though even if I am one of the few.

 I am sure my stamp collection is probably unusual, I have bits and pieces and focus on a lot of things I like the looks of. There is an Island/Iceland part of the collection, a topical bird collection I bought from someone else, and much more. I've collected stamps for 13 years. 


Why are Amy and Tammy Still So Poor? Poverty and Obesity

With my own long history of poverty,  I found a way to work around it and Covid. We still struggle, and medical bills are the worse but I was able to get to a happier place in dealing with it. We also have had more periods of stability in recent years.

 In my case, I decided it was better to try and be as happy as I could in my circumstances.  Gardening became a new hobby of mine. I replaced lost activities to Covid with an Aspie group online and continued different UU related things on Zoom including conferences and other things I attended. I replaced the gym with videos on the TV like Sit and Be Fit and actually search on Youtube on my TV via Comcast saying "Exercise for Fat People Youtube" to get a variety of videos. I increased the health food in my life and numbers of vegetarian and vegan meals. 

A lot of my decisions in life are based on how much money I have or not. There's things I wish I could afford right now, from a personal trainer who could meet me at home or in a small private room, rehab--to deal with my weight loss failures [I've kept it stable] and to get a 100lbs off, and mental health counseling. My history of PTSD/CPTSD and anxiety disorders/OCD has not fared well from Covid pressures. Often in America, your quality of care is based on how much money you have. Thankfully under Medicare, I do have some decent medical specialists. 

 Many people are in very bad shape right now, and sadly I've noticed the poor including the newly homeless from Covid, seem to be even more ignored and neglected in society like they don't even exist. That's been shocking to me. There were many businesses that failed from Covid lock downs, unemployment ended in August, and lots of people have to be suffering now. It's strange that Trump was far more generous to those ravaged by the effects of Covid with stimulus money and Biden ended all those programs. I blame both of course.  We survived a lot better then many people. 

I've been poor most of my adult life. I hope people can understand how poverty has affected Tammy and Amy. Their show 1000lb sisters definitely shows how poverty and obesity work together. Being poor makes obesity more likely and obesity makes being poor more likely especially if you are at the level you are supersized, disabled and dealing with mobility problems. 

Despite three years now on TLC, Amy and Tammy still appear like they are very poor.  That seems odd to me. Maybe medical bills could be eating all the show money. I know disabilities rules and these two don't have work histories for SSDI, and the show money would cancel out SSI. If they don't have Medicaid or Medicare, Tammy's medical bills alone would be tens of thousands of dollars. Her rehab at Windsor alone is 5,000 or more plus a month.  Now on a trach, her medical costs have to be going through the roof vacuuming out every dime.

Since Amy lives in an apartment with mice and cockroaches, that is a sign of poverty. I lived among mice, and cockroaches during my most poor days. Fortunately I have an apartment that is free of cockroaches, no cockroach or mouse has shown up in 15 years and I like it that way. Poor quality housing brings out these vermin.

I've had bouts of being working class during life, dependent on husband's former newspaper employment. I've been super poor too. We go up and down. We live an odd life surrounded by people far richer than us. We live in a town that has a lot of wealthy people in it, though there are working class people here too and a poor "inner city" area. We stayed here for better medical care and resources. Poor and working class Unitarian Universalists are extraordinarily rare. Fortunately my church preaches against classism and we are treated well.  The IFB just wrote me off and ignored me because I didn't have huge tithes to bring to the table.

 There can be a price living among the wealthier that is difficult, their lives are so different, you may find it harder to connect, but then there's actual specialists in town, the library has new books, there's an art center,  the resources are more available.  As everyone here knows I lived in a very small rural town for years so we feel the differences. However I relate to the level of poverty Amy and Tammy have lived in most of their lives, that was/is my life too as an adult. In my case, I and husband have the benefit of more education, but the lack of money still applies.  There's very few people who are working class or poorer on TV anymore and this is one of the few cases. They also live in the very rural town of Dixon, Kentucky. Dixon is smaller than my old rural town but not by much.

Poverty and obesity do walk hand in hand. Poor people often have eating as their one source of pleasure when they cannot afford others. There's less you can afford to do. Eating should not be used this way but people do it. That's a problem in America. The poor are banned from too many pleasurable activities and as society gets more socially isolated--Covid has worsened this, people are going to get even less exercise, movement and other activities to keep them engaged. 

Poor people don't get as much activity because activity often costs money. Some will say walk around, well yeah that's free but think of the sports, trips, vacations, social events that would bring activity and exercise if there is enough money. 

Severe obesity scares away friends. I was talking about this with a close friend, someone sees a 500lb person coming down the road, people do shirk away. I had this friend who unfriended me locally who was done with me because her family told her, that her being friends with me embarrassed them. This happened to me in my 40s, so it's not just fat teenagers coping with social rejection. 

I feel bad for Amy and Tammy, with Amy if she got decent money, I think Amy has the aspiration to want to do better. I want to see her living in a comfortable house at a good midsized weight where she is even more mobile, maybe even down to 200lbs, where she has enough money to pay bills and feel comfortable and safe in life for her and Gage. It helps she does have a working husband too. Money could bring better education and far more. If her own medical bills get under control maybe she could see her fortunes rise. I worry TLC is massively underpaying both sisters. It is strange to me that people who are so famous show so many signs of still present poverty. 

 One Reddit commenter said she thought they should do a documentary on the Slayton sisters, let it be a show that documents American lives and real struggles with obesity and poverty and how people slid through the cracks.

Amy's life with real money behind it could change for the far better. She could elevate Michael, Gage and her family to a far better future. Maybe she could go to school or Michael could get more of a tech education for more income. All of them would have improved health. They could join a very good gym--even Planet Fitness would be affordable now, and they could go back if Covid ever ends. One thing I always forget about myself, is we did succeed in digging ourselves out of severe poverty at least once. I went from the most poor life right above homelessness to a decent two bedroom apartment married to a newspaper assistant editor. My husband does have some respect in town, in his profession, and did during those years too. Amy is in the position where she has the fame and more to dig herself out. I never wanted a suburban or corporate life even before I was disabled and maybe that shows. Amy may have different interests too that are more down to earth but I hope she and others like her can get a more comfortable life.

Tammy I don't have as much hope for, I am not sure Tammy would do much with money but waste it. She doesn't seem to have aspirations to better herself. She has a self sabotage thing going with the horrible men. There seems to be some block there in shutting down with therapists. She doesn't have introspection, she seems to live moment by moment.

Tammy's future looks dire once the show ends, nothing but disability. On disability you are POOR. The income even on SSDI is barely sustainable level. SSI, I have known people on SSI who were homeless and could only afford rental rooms if that. These two need to focus on gaining as much money as possible while they can. Write a book with a ghost writer. They need a better deal with TLC, if they are still living so poor.

TLC money should not be having them live in a broken down duplex with grotty walls and cockroaches! I don't know if they got a bad deal or if medical bills has eaten up all the money but something is very wrong to me.

 I think medical bills could be taking all their money from the show, because the show cancelled out SSI for the both of them and they don't have Medicaid or Medicare anymore so Tammy's money has been cleaned out for food addiction, perhaps around 500 a week and tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills to hospitals, doctors, and 5,000 a month to Windsor. Amy, she's got to have at least 20,000 coming in a year from Michael [10-12 an hour at the lowest] but maybe some medical bills like paying for her baby being born cleaned her out.

I just don't understand why those two remain stuck in such dire poverty, trust me I know the signs, when they have national fame, a TLC show and more. It is shocking to me. Are any of you wondering why they are still SO POOR? Maybe we will see that change.

Maybe I am misjudging things. They could have the fancy houses behind the scenes and the duplex is like a stage for all I know. 

I want to see these two succeed especially Amy and have stable money. I am sure they have suffered enough in poverty because I had my own experiences in extreme poverty. They have opportunity to escape poverty, but I hope they see it in the distance, I hope they get a better deal.

It makes me sad to see other fat people stuck in poverty because of my past struggles, the judgment and more can make poverty so much worse.  For those who grow up in poverty, they are not taught how to handle money. Many of the poor do not save, because some understandably want some pleasures in life, and will go for those wanting to have some positive memories. They are not taught how to handle money.  One thing strange about me is with all those ex-millionaire friends, I know about passive income, brokerages, and investments but never had money to make it happen. I am the spendthrift of the household always knowing the exact amount in the bank. 

On the first show of the season they showed Amy doing an exercise class with middle class and above suburban Moms.  I could see why Amy was uncomfortable in that class. Most of the women were thin, one was a little chunky but main thing to notice was the class differences. The nice hair cuts, the black sporty infant carriers, the jewelry, and fancy exercise clothing were all markers of far different lifestyles. She said something about them being "fancy people". Hmm I related to that. That's my life as I said above, living as a poorer person in a wealthier town.

They dress and look different, they get better food. I have that weird mixture of some education with the poverty. Amy at least has some people around her and a family she fits in with. I never fit in my family obviously. There's a lot of money issues that do affect weight, people don't realize it. 

I really felt that moment when she joined that class. She was the fat one among far more "fancy" people. She at least left super-obesity of being 400lbs for being more midsized, but you could tell while the women were kind to her, you could see the differences.  As I have written here many times, poverty and weight are intertwined for me. 

I felt for Amy, she didn't have the benefits of many of those women, which would include good wardrobes, preventative health and dental care. Amy and Tammy definitely seem like they were denied a good education, maybe even in Tammy's case, she was stuck in the back of a special ed classroom with low expectations. Even my ordinary Midwestern high school in the suburbs taught me the basics of health, nutrition in home ec, class and how to make white sauce and open a bank account. They don't seem like they got any of that.

Trauma also impacts one's future life and health, in safe homes free of abuse, these women were starting from a far higher point.  This is true of my own life and my own classmates. Amy and Tammy probably have the most financial security of their lives right now even on underpaid TLC money. I remember seeing a video from some time ago where Amy was crying about having no money.

I have a "white trash" background on one side of the family though some escaped it and got into money--my mother, but then cruelty towards the poor and fat can be increased. "White trash" is not a term I agree with but using here to explain. Appalachian culture has many of it's own riches.  Our failures are even more offensive to the family. Oddly I was the first person on that side of the family to get a college degree. I know people see me as "poor white trash" sometimes.  I had a Southern accent I had to learn to cover up in junior high school after we moved. In my case, I have champagne tastes and interests on a less than beer budget. 

There are multiple class "codes" people do not realize exist. I don't want to offend any richer people I am friends with, but some of those include that wealthier people are more formal. There's more expected boundaries. Working class people emote more. These are all generalizations but everyone's seen a taste of this with watching how corporate culture operates compared to the working class pub down the street.  To make my life more peaceful I  did learn to hide my economic realities somewhat but that has limits when you weigh as much as I do.  Amy and Tammy may not even realize how they are being mocked or even that those codes exist but may feel a bit uncomfortable inside while not understanding why. I wonder if they realize how they are "seen"?

 It can make watching these shows kind of weird sometimes watching America laugh at the fat "side-shows".  Tammy and Amy are basically just a repeat of the successful Honey-Boo-Boo formula. I don't have nice haircuts, I wear old shoes. Though in my case, I don't speak like Amy and Tammy and I read library books for fun all week. I have a gifted and intellectual husband.  Sometimes I worry about how poor people are shown on TV and it can get to me. The fact now that two can even be famous and still so poor is weird to me.