Super Old Lady Bugs Old Lady to Get Back in Line!

 

                 All of this meme is very accurate, the hoovering is about portraying herself as "abandoned victim" who "tried" 

This may surprise everyone but after almost 13-14 years of being gone, I am still hoovered! Hoovering is when an ex-scapegoat goes no contact, and the narcissists or other abusers try to "suck" them back into the morass. I didn't post for some years about various hoovering attempts, it was better to ignore them. I decided to stop writing about it on here to ignore them more. I decided to write this so I can tell people that this can continue very late in the game and to warn others. There were multiple attempts. She sent a few cards that went to the wrong address, and there was the event I describe below, but the last phone calls were in 2015 until the month of May with the "anniversary call", this week, we got multiple phone calls. 

Outside of one cousin who called me to tell me he was divorced, I haven't heard from any other family member in almost 10 years. I went no contact with the last of them in 2017. No one has attempted contact, or written a letter or sent a card or gift, or even told me off outside of the one call from the divorced cousin. I wrote all nieces and nephews who were old enough before no contact and asked the one niece to visit me when she could, but none had anything to do with me either. 

This makes it even creepier that she is the ONLY one that has bothered me. Does she control everyone so much, they are scared to contact the only one who got away? She had turned most of them against me or distance made them no longer interested. Well we really have no relationships. I don't have a relationship with her, so why bother me?

 Somehow she found our number. The phone is shut off today, he may get it back on. Later he told me it may need a repair and wasn't shut off.  Maybe she will call it while it's off and think we have moved. I hope so.

This is the landline he uses for work, we debate shutting off for good but he has kept it for work. They are the double-dipping phone company I mentioned in the last article. She called me 4 times in 24 hours according to Caller ID. I've been gone so long, she doesn't even know I am deaf, and can't hear the phone ring. She is really old so I was surprised she wasn't in the nursing home. It was a residential number. 

In 2023 my name was in a local paper [not her town] for a hobby related event and she showed up. I wasn't there. She scared the people there, so much so they shared her picture around and said "Watch out for this woman!". This had to do with strange things she said.

This event was a positive in my life, and she sought to undermine me. She said double-talk stuff to insult me. It was so over the top, I wondered if she was losing it back then! It was kind of like a repeat of the book contest as a child. Ex-Scapegoat gets positive attention, and she has to come run and mess it up and try to turn people against the ex-scapegoat. This failed thankfully in this case, as I had some smart and truly kind people around me who believed me. I never had contact with her even during all this, but I was put in the position to warn others about her! I never wrote about this event, because I wanted to focus on the positive things at the time. It still is mostly a fond memory.

After this she seemed to retreat some, there was only a yearly card, I thought, "Well she's moved on". I never broke contact, or contacted her or anyone else. What was there to say? I said it all in my no contact letter. Sure, for years I had fantasies of tell-offs, but I already lost enough tell-off times where she simply didn't care. What is interesting in my no contact letter I told her, she could write me and if she actually talked to me, I may respond. I never had been talked to in any real way in my entire life by this woman. My expectation was that it never would happen and it did not. That email was emptied out this year. Thankfully I stored some needed correspondence elsewhere. I neglected it so much in the last few years. I still have the address but was annoyed they erased all my emails the last time I was there. [Hmm add that to the bad companies list, no one told me]

from my no contact letter:

" You can email me if you choose and actually start talking to me if you choose, otherwise I have to keep trying to work on my health and trying to find/bring happiness among people I feel good around."

So if some estranged parents want to whine and cry about their no contact adult children who leave no way to contact them, I left the door open a teeny crack. No email was ever written. That's the interesting thing about my egg donor and her personality structure. Her number one rule is "Never open up". I've talked about over the years, some of my analysis of her. How she never showed vulnerability or fear in her entire life and was incapable of introspection or even emotions that normal humans have like nostalgia. There truly was nothing to work with there. Absolutely nothing! When your mother is your first bully, often that's an archenemy formed for life until you escape. 

It's troubling to me, because while I write about ACON stuff here, it will be naturally brought up more. I am glad I can talk about some of the crazy stuff here too. Writing it all down does help me try to make sense of the insanity.  This blog does get very good traffic, and I hope it has helped others dealing with these issues all these years. There's been over 4 and half million views of this blog over the years. The monthly numbers are pretty good. I don't make money here, it's just writing I like doing, in bed from time to time, but I hope there's other ACONS and supersized people I have helped over the years. 

In real life, I just went on, and well, you are focused on other things and don't want reminded of the past or have someone pop up who you used to be afraid of like a monster. It feels pathetic to be THIS OLD, and I am almost ready for the senior center, having psycho Mommy track me down. It's weird. She never liked me. When I was still TRYING, I used to ask her to visit me and would go visit her, while being very ill and broke. My brother claimed he even told my sister and mother to stop blowing me off and driving by my apartment without stopping. I don't know if I believe that, he never defended me once in front of my face. Maybe he thought it, but it never happened. 

Some other ACONS claimed on their websites and boards that the narcissists would hunt you down like a dirty dog for the rest of your life unless you moved far away where they didn't know what town you were in. I knew nothing was going to change unless I changed. Thank God for information online years ago to escape this mess.

With the creeps, I had to assume the worse to protect myself and they did fulfill the worse of indifference, hatred, lack of boundaries, disrespect and coldness. Fog and Fantasy time were over, I had to face the truth of their disdain and disrespect for me. As I wrote many times, I realized I never had a family, I didn't lose anything walking away. No contact isn't easy but it had to be done for my own sanity and to stay alive. I had been invisible for years as they told me how "busy" they were over and over. The push and pull of constant "rejection" but being bothered were unusual. 

The weirdness of these attempted contacts are even creepier then. They didn't want me around when I was around. I was left out of endless events, disinvited from family events and parties. She was embarrassed of my weight and refused to be seen in public with me for over 20 years. Here is even one creepier thing, some may ask "Why don't you get the law involved?" She seems to know the harassment laws, hey remember she knows I went to paralegal school, she kept the attempted contacts intermittent enough for me not to pursue those avenues. Sometimes I wouldn't hear anything for a year or 18 months at a time which was just fine by me. The less the better.

 I would think maybe she's finally moved on but she would pop up again like a ground hog on crack. Ground Hog Day would be repeated over and over. I ignore her, and never respond, but she got my husband on the phone in May [no phone calls since 2015!] and he didn't recognize her voice, and was in a bothered mood doing a work project. She continued with the same cold weird lines, she said "Happy Anniversary" in this weird sarcastic tone and hung up him! That line reminded me of the one-line cards that would show up, that basically said nothing or questioned my "perceptions".  I mean it when nothing is really said. Remember when I used to post about her weird cards? Those stopped thankfully but she does not know my address but obviously knows my general area with the phone calls.

Five Hundred Pound Peep: Why is She Wasting Her Time and Stamp?

Five Hundred Pound Peep: She Owns the Family

 I often wanted to move from this area, some can read my old housing posts on here but it didn't work out. I planned to disappear when I moved and leave no trails even to feel more safe. It just didn't pan out. If I had it to do over I would have gone a lot further away when I was young. There are things I like here and medical care I need so be it. 

The odd thing is I don't understand the motives of all this. Maybe those ACONS saying they'd hunt you down like a dirty dog were right. She is very old now. I am getting old. I am not the same person, if I was in a room with any of these people, probably 5 minutes would pass and I would be raising my middle finger and walking out. My husband and I got into this long conversation about the fact we put up with too much crap from people. His family wasn't as severe as mine but there were some negative dynamics there too such as when his father was always making him pay his bills when he was still living at home and charging as much as he could. One example was renting too expensive of a car, when his father's car broke down instead of a more economical one. I said, "We put up with way too much crap!" He nodded. It was something we changed, and we built better boundaries. They probably would be in shock. I wouldn't be the scared scapegoat kissing their ass and patting down everything to 'stay nice", I know what they are now.

 I also don't believe in the system like they do. I would lay down money that my entire family lined up to do Fauci's bidding. Maybe a few Republicans like Uncle Narcissist got angry and quit getting boosters after the first or second dose, but chances are, I'm the only one who said No. I know my brother got it, Trumpster or not from a friend who saw "I got my Covid vaccine" stuff on his Facebook.

By the way, their hatred and rejection of me, will pan out in their lives in other ways, remember Celiac Disease and Lipedema are GENETIC. Many of them do have bad health, and there's at least two young family members who show signs of Lipedema, but no one listened to me about having it. I told all parties when I left including my mother and sister in the no contact letter about Lipedema, but because I was so ignored and invisible, no one will address these medical issues. My mother in all her attempted contacts never mentioned it. Why would she? It puts her abuse of me for being fat in a far different light. She had no empathy or understanding.

Why keep contacting me then?

1. The rest of the family chose her, I am no threat to any of the rest of the relationships in the family. She's the bee knees, and I am long ago forgotten about. We are all strangers. The nieces and nephews want nothing to do with me. I reached out to all before leaving, and asked on niece directly to come visit me when she could. She never did.  Unless they got sick of her crap and exited to stage left, they were all on her team. Many served as enablers to her and always did her bidding. Why bother the "troublemaker" then? I haven't heard from one family member since 2017 except for the divorced cousin and even with the divorced cousin, the phone call was so awkward where he asked nothing about me, I felt like the phone call probably had been ordered by my mother, to make sure I would not strike an alliance with his ex. I barely knew the woman. 

2. Some ACONs especially older ones, talked about how they were manipulated or messed with to take on caretaking for very elderly narcissistic parents. It is often a role scapegoats are manipulated into especially if they do not heal or don't manage to go no contact or escape. I think back to that cousin who told me off and threatened me, the one who went on about my lux life next to the lake and told me I should be sleeping with the fishes.  My life probably is a lot better then hers even being disabled. She was her mother's caretaker for at least 20 years up to the time I left. She probably was a caretaking scapegoat, she worked in a factory and was poor while her brother rose up the union ranks, and had his children marrying multimillionaires. Before I went no contact with them, both of them complained to me, that the newly married nieces and grandchildren who married the multimillionaires were ostracizing them and they didn't even know the address of one.  Anyhow that motive for hoovering would not apply to my situation. 

 I can't caretake anyone. I need caretaking at my level of disability and am barely staying out of the nursing home myself. I am deaf with bad balance on a walker, I can barely walk one fourth of a city block without multiple rests. I'm sick all the time, I dry heaved from a migraine yesterday though I got better later in the day and was able to eat.  I'm not caretaking anyone.

3. She always considered me an embarrassment. I was hidden from friends and others in the community. She told me herself, when I feared I would be homeless soon, "Well, you're not coming here!" and she told me she didn't even want me to move to her town! She refused to be seen in public with me for 20 years due to my severe obesity. Didn't I do her a favor in walking then? It is so strange and psychotic. Why would you "want" someone back in your life you've always hated? Leave me alone!

4. Maybe I have stayed the scapegoat in absentia. The smear campaigns probably reached epic proportions but I wasn't around to know. I cut off even the most obscure family friend. The person who saw my brother's vaxx signs on his Facebook was an online friend who had no connection to my family. I don't know if anyone else new became the scapegoat. I do think the goldens since they live far away, probably aren't investing the time in someone growing more elderly and maybe she's lost the ability to travel and get around, I simply don't know. I don't care. I just don't want to be bothered. I don't want reminded. I'm done. It's over. The whole mess. I was done trying in 2013. There's nothing there for me.

One will note with a nauseous feeling is that the narcissists never learn, or grow or change their tactics. It's the same old crap over and over. One lady on an ACON board told me, they don't quit until they are gone. Some ACON websites always warn they will hoover for CONTROL even for decades. I remember those warnings. They are serving me now. Otherwise I never could make sense of any of this.

Ollie Matthews once called narcissists "Terminators" years ago. He warned people you can't reason and you can't argue with it. That applies! It's good I got these warnings from other ACONS. Let this article be a warning to others too. You can be disabled, even start getting old yourself and they can still hoover you! Just stay away, and don't react. Ignore them.

One lady wrote me on an ACON board, "She wants CONTROL of YOU." That's it in a nutshell. That made sense to me. I've given nothing but silence. The scapegoating served her, she can't let go of it. 
They use scapegoats to blame, and to dump all their trash on, and I believe this continues even long after we get out and walk away. They don't change or grow so you see them still floundering like a fish, like a broken machine on repeat saying and doing the same things. That's the creepy thing about all this. They are like robots stuck on a repeating tape.

 I told my husband I think she does these intermittent contacts so she can claim to the others falsely that she cares. It is to preserve her image that she was a "caring" mother and that the scapegoat is the problem, and was evil from the get-go. I wrote about how empty the cards were and the one line crap years ago, but the message in the cards didn't matter, it was so she could make the appearance of and tell others: "I am a loving mother, I tried to contact her and she refused to talk to me". She is invested in keeping the same poisonous and rotten system going even to the bitter end. Since my family operated like a cult, the outsiders must always be shamed, punished and "kept track of". I was warned years ago by other ACONS and this protected me, I am thankful to them all. These type of toxic parents do not change, and these things will keep going on repeat. 

I used to feel more fear during these times. Now I am annoyed, but at least I was prepared in some ways for what I would be dealing with. I do have to think of safety issues and I know I wish after this many years it still wasn't happening. 

I remind myself I don't have to talk to anyone I don't have to. That's it. I never have to deal with her again if I don't want to. She's like the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, all blather and emptiness. There's nothing there. She never knew me, or cared to. She's empty. She's like a machine on repeat, that's the scary thing about all this but since human emotions aren't present, what do I expect?    `
The only thing I can do is just stay away, which I am doing and will continue to do. 

Comments Back On Moderation

 There's some glitch in the system where the comments weren't working at all when I took the moderation off. They are back on moderation but hopefully some comments will go through. I do try and check them every few days. Blogspot is an older program, so maybe this is causing some of the glitches. I tested things, trying to comment MYSELF away from my regular computer and got an error message.

Customer Service is Dead!

America is ruled by monopolies now, and often one company is the only game in town nowadays. Utilities are different. Companies are far more abusive now. Workers are treated like disposable crap but with customers it's not much better. We are a captive audience who need necessities, and they don't care. Often there is no competitor to go to escape companies driving us crazy.

We used to be able to roll over one month's electric bill into the next. Now we can't. We can pay the electric bill mid-week but I already have been sent a disconnection notice. I have never gotten a disconnection notice in the last 20 years, even with the financial problems until last month and this month. Last month we obviously paid it in time. Two weeks late is now enough to get one. The next bill is due around Sept 2-5nd which means I got a collection notice for a bill that was due on August 4th on August 15th. [We paid this bill today]

It's more stress though. Do any of these companies wonder why everyone is broke and what it means for their future? Wouldn't they make more money if Americans had enough money to live on? I'm not an economist obviously but if you leave people without anything they aren't going to be buying your products.

Why don't companies care that no one has any money? Isn't there a certain point where no one will be able to afford their bills and they will all be out of business? Have you noticed corporations of all kinds don't seem to care about profits anymore as everyone goes broke? Is this because they are getting so much government money now they don't need us anymore? Take some time and look up how much money Elon Musk's companies got from the government. Maybe the ones for necessities are still making so much bank from abusing everyone they don't care, but isn't there an end point to all this?

Our leaders are crazed in that they don't care we don't have any money. I never have had the electric shut off for non-payment in my entire life, even during the Chicago era I paid them in time to avoid shut-offs. They mailed back my lifeline papers over some crazy quibble, lifeline is what people who are dependent on electrical medical devices to get their power outages dealt with quicker, or to prevent shut-offs. So I am not protected by that right now.

I could call my doctor to put a stop to a shut-off for a period of time for medical problems. Hey I make it my business to know these type of laws to survive. The times are shorter and shorter. That's their reaction, squeeze tighter as more people go broke. They are all psychotic. During the winter, I had one 500 dollar bill that gave me endless anxiety, but we were able to pay it.

We really don't have social services anymore.  There are a few private and church programs out there, who help, but things are getting harder all over. They want American people stressed out and afraid, it gives the powers that be more control. This country is not free. We have a little freedom of speech left, but they'll stamp that out soon anyway. I'm surprised astrobots haven't shown up here to shout me down and tell me what a loser I am for not paying bills. X/Twitter was full of that crap. 

 Once when I got a 700 dollar electric bill one week, it wasn't in shut off yet, they didn't come after people like they do now, and I tried to go to charities to help me pay it and those people told me we needed a shut-off notice. I thought if I wait for a shut off notice, it will go off before I get any help. I was able to do a payment plan on top of the regular bills but it took me an entire year to pay it off. Keep in mind as you read this during the winter, I have to keep the temperature under 65.

An email company never leaves me alone, they always want me to pay for storage and threaten to shut the email off every other day. They fill my email box with junk mail even though I cancelled all email subscriptions and then the very next week there's more. It can take hours and hours to clean this crap out. I need this email to communicate with my doctors, get amazon locker codes from when I order vitamins, and other necessary stuff. I'm sick of it. Leave me alone!

Now I am dealing with this CPAP supply company, I don't want to give too many details, but the costs were quintupled, I was shocked by a big bill, that was multiple times more than the usual yearly bill, and I hadn't ordered more than the year before. The amount they charged insurance for some basic CPAP supplies made my hair stand on end. For weeks and weeks, I make negotiations with one of the higher ups on email. I promise to pay back the amount I owed, that still stood despite the insane cost increases, I stopped making orders except for filters which has brought me some hardships and life moves on. Monthly payments were made for some months and then suddenly paying on the portal doesn't work!

I have made all these negotiations in writing on email and thankfully kept the emails. The only reason this happened was telling them I was too deaf to use their phone line. I try to write the portal, they never help there. I decide to go pay the company in person at the local office, and the manager tells me "Oh we don't do that anymore!"

The manager mailed the address I needed to mail a check to. He was a nice guy, the system worked against him too!  Computer people screwed up again! I should have been able to make payments on the computer portal but it didn't work!  I was so overcharged. 500 dollars for a plastic CPAP mask is insane. For the cushions you change, they want something like 286 dollars. It is a small piece of plastic that is only 4-5 inches wide. I'm not ordering anything from them anymore but necessary filters. 

It is a lot of stress as everything is getting old and worn out attached to my CPAP machine. I will have to use my mask until it falls apart. There's no way I can afford this stuff anymore. If insurance gets charged 500, remember I get charged 20 percent of that! Their bill was actually bigger then both my surgery bill and when I had a kidney infection in the ER. It went from 100 and something to 750 dollars!

They want me to use this phone system, that takes an hour and half to get a human on the line and none of those humans once you get them know English enough to solve any problems. Their accents are so thick my transcribe and my captioning phones do not work. My husband is on the line too, to help me, and he can't understand them either. They refuse to take my payment, because of the age of the bill, I spent months finding missing payments with these folks too, and despite my negotiations and promises by the higher up on the payment plan. I get nowhere. They refuse to take my money! Isn't this the definition of insanity? 

The phone company is jumping the gun too on phone shut-offs, 2-3 weeks and the phone is dead too. He just paid it. Sometimes I rant and rave, they come after us so much, I swear they are double dipping us, and we are paying double! I need to have my husband sit down and write the dates and when we paid them. 

AI is going to make things really bad. Computers don't care about special cases. Computers can't figure things out. Computers follow stupid rules from linear thinkers that program them and can't figure out that someone could have made negotiations on an old bill. Computers stick you in endless loops. Many of these companies have fired everyone to save money as AI takes jobs away and now you can never get a human. Many of these companies have no common sense and write rules that are stupid. I can't be the only person that owes this place money after they quintupled their prices. How could I be the only one? Why did I have to ask a local manager and took weeks to even dig up the address to mail a check to? Who forbid local offices to take payments? Are these people insane?  I'm very good at internet research, and found the main headquarters, but the bill paying address is two states away. This company is TOO BIG.

They always make you feel like the only one in the world that this applies to.  All business matters are much more difficult. I'll give the hospital this, at least their computer system works.  People don't seem able to deal with complex things anymore. Sorry but the vaxx damage is showing. I'm seeing massive cognitive decline out there on multiple fronts. People are emotionally checked out at the least and unable to use critical thinking at the worse. The computer garbage has made everything harder, a lot of stuff is not user friendly. 

What we seem to have now are too many simps and rule-followers who gave up all independent thinking and problem solving long ago. I am sure these people hate their jobs and feel desperate too, but there's some level of middle management that put the okay on these abuses, to make things as cheap and nasty as possible. There is no such thing as customer service anymore. Do places that have no competition as monopolies proliferate even need that anymore? Whoever is designing these computer systems are failing too.  Some computer people may get mad at me for writing this, but there's problems with computer people they don't think holistically, and logic trees don't bring up the millions of other possibilities and complications that can happen. They don't acknowledge special cases or complications.

Are you seeing problems with companies and how they are operating now? Tell me your stories. I just want left alone at this point. Sometimes life feels like nothing but "run and pay". The medical bills are so numerous even keeping track of those is hard. At least next month, one will be paid off, until I get acutely sick again. The corporations own the government now, and they have so much power. Sometimes the bank account feels like handcuffs around my wrist with this orange bank card that controls my life. It's kind of creepy. Money is the prison cell the elite built to keep us all controlled. Everything is so crazy expensive too. The elite live swimming in money and you can tell they have no idea of what anyone actually lives on, so the higher-ups in these corporations simply have no idea. They don't care that their prices are so high, they have becoming impossible for most. 

Are Companies Becoming Meaner and Greedier?

I weigh 454 now

 At least I have lost a little bit more weight. Stable or going down is better than up. I hope it keeps going down. My husband joked maybe you can change the name of your blog to fourhundedpoundpeep one day, but I said I'm keeping the same name. Black seed oil seems to help with weight loss but maybe I am imagining it. I am still gluten free. My digestion has massively changed especially in the last 6 months. CICO is still a joke to me. My nutrition levels were far higher, with the veggie stand open, and more supplements. I still need two more supplements to purchase and replacement of others. 

There's no real Connection or Communication Talking to Narcissists!

 

Lise did an article on the poor communication one can have with narcissists. 

I thought this article was very interesting:

Misadventures with Angry Alcoholics, Bullies and Narcissists: If people don't want to hear what you have to say, it is normal for you to not want to hear what they have to say either. Comes with a discussion on narcissism

As I have written about the failed relationships with my family, there were no real relationships. One cannot be formed with people who take absolutely no interest in you and who do not care about your thoughts and feelings. You don't matter.  There's no real sharing or connection there. 

One pattern I noticed with my family is how nervous they got at anything I said, they'd always change the subject or literally ignore what I said. The underlings got so nervous, they'd shut me down too fearing the queen and her higher minions would be displeased. This happened over and over for years and you can see me write about these things on multiple articles.

Five Hundred Pound Peep: I couldn't talk to any of you!

They never told me anything from their end or shared anything meaningful. For some years before I gave up and walked, I went on a campaign to "get to know" my relatives to make things "better" between I and them. That was wasted effort. Some people truly are empty shells where no one is home.

One can try everything calm rational speaking to screaming and cussing to the written word, trust me, they still won't listen. If you are the scapegoat, they don't care what you have to say they have been trained by the head narcissists to discount everything you say. Some ACONS can struggle for years thinking "I will finally get them to listen to me!" "I will write them a tell-off letter!" I know even if mine found this blog, they would simple dismiss it with a wave of their hand. "She's crazy!".

There are fantasies that if you put forth the exactly correct words, like the Bible calls the Word of God as quick, powerful, and sharp, that you can pierce even the worse narcissist's soul. Trust me you can't. They don't care. They won't care. Even if you say the most cutting words on the planet, they simply will turn away as if they did not hear it. I'm actually good at verbal warfare IRL if angry enough. Hey all of us especially with narcissistic mothers were trained to find the weaknesses even if our temperaments didn't want to hurt others. We know what they dive bombed for immediately. Sometimes I have to scale this stuff back. I delivered a few whoppers, room shutting down, going silent, they cut so quick even with my mother, but remember the coward monkey's will lick her boots and she will simply ignore you even if you were right!

 With the college friends I walked away from one reason I ended those friendships was a feeling of invisibility.  You are a reflecting mirror or someone they slum with. One didn't care about the poverty I faced, another didn't listen either and would actually run roughshod over me ignoring all my problems to tell me hers. I remember one instance where I told her I was getting some scary medical tests, this may have been the time, they thought I had a kidney lesion in my 40s, and she totally ignored everything I was saying. The conversations are one-sided, you feel constantly frustrated and that's a sign something is very wrong. 

Lise wrote:

"* Your brain tends to perceive some form of "rejection" from people who do not want to hear what you have to say. 

* Emotional distance starts to happen. Unless establishment of "caring about the other's views and feelings" has been established in most other conversations, you will start to distance yourself from that person. In other words, disagreements have to be rarer than agreements, otherwise you will not feel connected or understood. 

* If there is a chronic inability to listen to you, people start to distrust others who do not listen to them. 

* Respect for the person who will not listen to you begins to fade and can create "a fading away" of the relationship as well. 

Lise describes how the relationships will cease here. There is no emotional closeness because one is never listened to. These people didn't care about our views, opinions and more. I noticed even in text messages which were easier to look back on then phone calls, since the print was right there, that I was discounted always. No one cared about my views, even if I agreed with them. One thing I noticed even when it came to views, there was instance sell-outing to keep my mother happy so people would turn their backs on formerly held views to agree with hers. You can't depend on people with no principles! There's no place to form good memories or trust. Respect definitely will be lost. This is a good list. 

Some may say going no contact long term is like "erasing yourself" but then we weren't allowed to be present there in the first place. We only cemented what was already true. Don't waste your time. I was talking to walls. They also on their end never talked to me of anything of depth. My mother was a stranger who did nothing but withhold from me.

As life went on, I didn't work so hard on conversations anymore, once people did that shut down crap with me, I would walk away. Why bother? It was useless. Life is short and if you can't get anything out of someone don't bother, they got the door shut against you, and don't knock too long! That's how I am now, just don't bother anymore. Life can change a lot for a an ex-scapegoat who doesn't care about fitting in anymore or seeking "belonging". We still do lose out, we don't have the connections other's enjoy, that were formed over decades but at least we aren't banging our head on that brick wall of narcissistic obstinance anymore.

 I went through various "hurts". It hurt me in some organizations, that I was literally silenced such as when I got censored by a disability zoom group I was in. Every ACON knows what this feels like, this silencing and this invisibility. I walked out of that group immediately, shut the computer down and was done. Once people disrespect you, or don't listen and you have stood up for yourself, it's often time to go. Even with "family". I sometimes laugh at these estranged parent websites, they put up posts complaining about ACONS and scapegoats who escaped and claim that the ones who were left want communication. No, one reason we left is no one would listen or would take seriously what we had to say good or bad in many cases. 

One part of the onion I deal with is feeling invisible to the world and moving like a ghost in the world. These are feelings of not even seen or acknowledged by anyone. Maybe these are fleas. The narcissists around me competed for constant attention. Today I try to acknowledge others especially the quiet ones in the room now who aren't sucking down attention like an unplugged drain. For me, charisma and charm are now red flags. There's a reason I avoid people like that now. If someone is too popular, that can be a warning sign though a few truly nice people can win over a group. 

Over the years, due to my endless bad examples, I had to learn to listen better myself, with autism, theory of mind is very hard. It is hard for me to understand the motives of others. Most lives I don't understand. Mine was so strange I have no points of comparison.  A lot about people remain a mystery to me. I have empathy for people but I had to work on my own listening skills and make sure I took their desires, needs and opinions into account. Society went crazy circa 2020 where people all got this idea they shouldn't be friends with anyone who disagrees with them and that made things rough. All the divisions, I realized I didn't want to live in an echo chamber, it was boring. Some find it odd, that I have friends who are Q and conservatives to extreme liberals on Facebook. That's just the way I am. I don't mind some debate. Not everyone has to agree with me on everything for me to friends with them. This is not a direction that is a positive one for society.

One thing you will notice when you are around narcissists is how boring it is. Yes it is boring. BOREDOM is a red flag. They are so utterly and completely dull as a beige wall.  I'm a person who loves to explore ideas, which is freaking kryptonite to narcissists.

There's no connection, meeting of the minds or even ability to hash out ideas or test theories. Such things piss them off. They keep everything at the surface level. There are organizations I ended up leaving that kept everything at the surface or silenced people at a certain level. This included some churches I ended up leaving. Even in church a person wants to be "heard" and seen as an individual, and if you are not, why even be there? I have noticed the organizations I remember with fondness from one church to other groups including an art club, are places where I felt seen and heard but also ones where people shared of themselves too instead of keeping masks on and being detached.

Lise sums up the poor communication with narcissists here.

Narcissists do not understand this principle because they rarely listen to others, or they "listen and distort". Everything is filtered according to whether the other person is providing the right kind of narcissistic supply they crave, and whether the other person can be "thought-controlled" by the narcissist. 

They also consider their voice, their opinions, and their viewpoint to be the most important in any relationship. - that link says they look at what they have to say as "the law". Once a narcissist thinks they know you, conversations become one-sided (they dominate the conversation). They invalidate - differing opinions and insights are not considered, and they deem them wrong, irrational and disrespectful of them. They maintain rigid, harsh opinions and try to condition you to be quiet or to remain quiet when they are opinionating, making decisions for you or the two of you, deciding how to narrate their dominant position over you.  They also condition you to be quiet lest they rage, create a conflict, or dismiss you over your difference of opinion. 

Narcissists care most about their self-image. That's one thing I noticed that always came first, and they would adjust narratives or shut down conversations that did not enhance their image. They also love to dumb things down. If there are smart people in the room, that alone will anger narcissists and "controllers".

A lot of them spend time bragging or humble bragging and they often turn things into a competition. They will distort. Some of the narcissists were so extreme, that I was around, you never got a turn to talk. Now autistics can suck at group conversation, we interrupt, can't get the timing thing right, but ever try to talk to a person where you can't get a sentence in edge wise or they change the subject every time you open your mouth? That was my brother as one example. Once I had hadn't seen him in 5 years or so, and we were on this visit and while he talked about his life, he took no interest in mine. I never could get a word in edgewise. One time in frustration I simply walked away. I was bored too.

My mother had the ability to charm groups, she was always the one heading the office parties bringing in fancy foods. My brother had that ability for charm too, he never was lonely or lacking for friends, his house or apartment was always the local hang-out. While some mocked him and weren't always respectful this is not someone who ever went without a circle of people around him. Sometimes I get troubled, why do people gather around narcissists like this? What makes them so popular? All the love bombing for their favorites? Some of these human dynamics are just gross. I've seen it in too many groups. The charming narcissists ruling by degrading others and kissing the asses of a few minions who help serve as enforcers to the status quo. 

They always have to be the ones who shine the brightest in the room. Many soak up attention like a sponge. I've seen this in groups where one or two people do all the talking and the rest go into silence, it happens way too often for my liking. One always has an opinion, and because they dominate yours are left in the dust. I tend to be quiet in groups to the point I believe most people find me "boring". It's probably from a life time surrounded by narcissists. There's a few times I've gotten boisterous usually from being angered and it always shocks people. They don't expect the quiet ones to speak up usually. I kind of hate meetings. I like my art club and other groups I've been in, but I've been to too many bad ones where the narcissists hold court, and my God, most of them love to hear themselves talk!

One gets used to being quiet and the others always hogging the center stage. Human power and dynamics always fascinated me as a observer. Sometimes I just watch and observe. Maybe that weirded some people out but remember my body here, a lot of us disabled are put on the sidelines. A lot of the world does run by "status seeking". This drove me nuts, I used to think why can't we have real communication, thoughts and connection? I often found it frustrating. Narcissists you will see are not interested in any of that. They love the status games. 

It's true they see their opinions, and outlooks the most important. "My word is law", and they often take over entire rooms, and families too. Sometimes you can see dynamics where everyone will run to please the narcissists. It happens too much. This is why we get the worse leaders. Power and control are seen as the highest goods. They do invalidate others and the most talented ones can steer a group into accepting invalidation of anyone who disagrees with them [or exposes them]. They do dominate and use anger, threats, facial expressions, and out and out lies. For them winning is everything and gaining control. It's not about connection. That's why you are wasting your time to try and reconcile or have a meeting of the minds with a narcissist, it's never going to happen! You are never going to wake one up. They don't want to wake up, they like things the way they are. They don't see you, they only see themselves!

These are people with no empathy, and they don't want knowledge or understanding, this is why they shut anyone down seeking either of those things. They want to control the narrative and direct others. In a narcissistic dominant society, there's not going to be much focus on truth, it simply won't exist. Everything will be about manipulation. The rest of the article is really good and goes into how they do thought control, control the narrative, and distort communication. 

This can help everyone detect a narcissist in their midst, notice their conversation, what are they talking about? Do they seek control and guiding the narrative? Do they silence others? Do you feel like you never got to say a word after talking to one? These are all warning signs. If you feel like crap trying to communicate with a narcissist, it's not you, it's them! 

Stamp Collection

 

                                                             RUSSIA:1919 MNG Russia civil war Western Army stamp 

I still collect stamps. Some people say stamp collecting is dying, and maybe it is but I still like it. Maybe there will be revival one day of stamp collecting. My collection isn't huge but has a few unique finds in it. It has hundreds of countries represented. I've met some people who had entire rooms given over to stamp books and albums. I could use a new bookshelf or something to store my stamp collection at this point. Collecting stamps can be done by the financially challenged, though it's different. You have to know where to look and it helps to be connected to a stamp club. Sadly, I haven't been to my stamp club in some years [it's 40 miles away one way] but hoping to be able to return one day. Looking up stamps is fun and I still have many to sort, even now.  All stamps pictured are examples of ones I own and looked up. 

                                           ITALY; CIRENAICA 1926 National Defence Optd. 

                                           Chinese Republic - 1949

I Have Removed Comment Moderation So People Can Comment Easier

 Many people told me they were having difficulty commenting here. This board is getting very good traffic lately and I would like more feedback and discussions with folks who read here. I will still remove any comments that are insulting, you can disagree with me, but don't be a jerk. Remember in life, I have friends of all beliefs, political and religious. I have removed moderation from comments so your comment should post right away. If it doesn't write me at fivehundredpoundpeep@gmail.com.