Friday, October 11, 2019

David Sedaris' Comments About Tiffany in Calyspo


                                                source

When I wrote about Tiffany being the family scapegoat, it was a controversial article. I did write about how David Sedaris made an admission about his sister, that they failed to defend her. I was glad to see this bit of insight.

 He at least admitted their failure to act to stand against their mother's abuse and rejection of Tiffany.

In his book Calypso, which I am reading now for a library book club, in an essay titled "A House Divided", David talks more about Tiffany, and says the family did not know about her mental illnesses and could have had more understanding for her if they had known. I understand why Tiffany did not disclose.

One thing realized in ACON studies is that for scapegoats, the family can be a very different place of being. I had to face facts even myself, that my cousins, brother and sister had positive memories of my narcissists and family life. They were treated far better and had times of connection and happiness. It was hard for me to hear my cousins lovingly use my mother's name, but then they did not have the same person to deal with. They had love and respect even if faked from her after all. Some people via different challenges end up in a far worse position in a family. Tiffany had her struggles with mental illness and others that put her more at risk of being placed in the scapegoating position.

 David Sedaris in his writings speaks of easier conversations with his mother, he definitely was close to her. His father is more distant but is overall respectful and includes David. All children in narcissistic families suffer to a degree but Tiffany definitely did not have the same experiences as her siblings being the scapegoat.

There is another admission in this essay in this most recent book. Could David have seen online what others had to say about his family and the realities of narcissism and how it was obvious that his sister was scapegoated? It is rare for family members within a narcissistic system to wake up, but at times it is possible for the few who are capable of any growth and are not too far along or on the narcissistic spectrum themselves While this often comes too late and decades later, they may question the system and what was done to their sibling who was the scapegoat. While David admits some faults of his parents, he may need to re-examine the depths of what they did to his sister.

Maybe he has come into more understanding now about what has happened to his sister. Maybe he has realized that the family which was a crucible of connection, closeness and happy memories along with some troubled ones for him was anything but for his sister.  This statement does make clear, that he understands, that the treatment by the Sedaris family had something to do with her suicide.

This comment in his essay, makes it seem so.


In this essay, they talk about how Tiffany killed herself, and the method she used. She took pills and used a plastic bag to asphyxiate herself.

"Did Lisa by any chance tell you about Tiffany, I asked.

"The plastic bag, you mean?" Gretchen nodded. "She told me on the phone last week. I try not to think of it but it's pretty much all I can think about. Our own sister ending up that way."


I walked to the window and looked at the sky, which had now gone from bruise-colored to black. "Someone told me," I said, "that in Japan, if you commit suicide by throwing yourself in front of a train, your family gets fined the equivalent of eighty thousand dollars for all the inconvenience you caused."

From behind me, I could hear Gretchen slicing more apples.

"Of course," I continued, "if your family was the whole reason you were killing yourself, I supposed it would be just an added incentive."


I hope his sisters have come into more insight too but sadly it is too late for Tiffany. Lives are damaged and ended by scapegoating. That's the tragedy.

 This article kind of connects to my last article questioning the dominance of the nuclear family. Nuclear families in American culture especially are split between winners and losers where internal cooperation is not developed but competition at all costs even to the point that some family members are crushed. One person who is the scapegoat is often deemed the family loser and reject. One could argue this created Tiffany's mental illness instead of her mental illness being the reason the family rejected her.  That's one thing to think about. How many are made mentally ill from the abuse? Tiffany showed many signs of CPTSD. Scapegoating is soul murder at the crux of it, and some don't win the battle for their physical lives.

Later in the book, while one sees some flashes of insight in David, things get complex, there is reference to troubled consciences, but sadly, the family system reverts to the same message about the scapegoat. How many scapegoats are written off, as "you know how they can be". A would be narcissistic family system can break down a scapegoat, and some do become mentally ill. My conjecture is that many scapegoats are made that way from the process of scapegoating.

Sadly the resultant emotions and problems is just added on to the list for the rejection that got the whole ball rolling. This reminds me on a lesser level when one of my cousins told me once, "your emotions bother people in the family". What is ironic in my situation after I became a Christian years before I later deconverted, I was grey rocking myself to death, being nice, kind, pleasant, "not a bother" and making presents for the family and being quiet and meek on visits, hoping for love and acceptance that would never come. I buffed all the edges of my personality.  I hid negative emotions. That didn't work.

What is sad, when a scapegoat gets the resultant PTSD effects, anxiety disorders, inability to function in the world like Tiffany if the mental abuse becomes severe, that can be used as more of a reason for rejection from the family. You don't fit, you aren't "pleasant" and "engaging" enough. My depression when I was younger while I never had to make the psych ward circuit, putting myself in counseling by age 18, was reason enough for my own family to justify the treatment they gave me. "She's not that easy to be around!". "She has a bad personality". Some of that came back to me. Sadly while Tiffany's mental disorders may have been far more severe, one can see that happened to her too in the family system.

One sister Amy sees a psychic who claims to contact Tiffany and her mother and claims that they are getting along. If this really had happened it seemed more insight would have been passed on from the spirit world then

"She and Mom are finally getting along," Amy continued. "She mainly wanted to let you know that she has no hard feelings. The psychic said Tiffany's been trying to tell you this herself and asked if you've had a lot of problems with your phone lately."


Amy to me shows some conscience here, in that she wants hope from the psychic, that Tiffany would want to forgive them all one day but sadly in my belief, none of these messages were real. Amy wants Tiffany to have "no hard feelings" towards the mother that scapegoated her. Why isn't the mother in this afterlife scenario apologizing?  Amy admits the trouble with Mom to the psychic and easy answers are given that now in the afterlife, that two personalities that didn't get along now do. It is interesting to me, that Tiffany's "hard feelings" are the focus here, instead of atonement on the behalf of the mother.

David then talks more about Tiffany's mental health problems in the same chapter called "Spirit World" about that day he had the door shut on her, during a show.  David admits he never saw or spoke to her again. He mentions her mental health problems referring to a suicide attempt and hospitalization, a rape and an eviction and then says

"She was, I told myself, someone else's problem. I couldn't deal with her anymore.
Well, the rest of the family said, it was Tiffany. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all know how she can be.

Perhaps like the psychic, they were just telling me what I needed to hear to ease my conscience and make me feel that underneath it all I'm no different from anyone else. They've always done that for me, my family. It's what keeps me coming back"


David's conscience is bothered, and that's a good sign, but sadly narcissistic families, will justify the treatment of the scapegoat forever.  The family system can't admit what was done to the scapegoat.  Yes mental illness can be troubling. People who face difficulties are not easy to deal with. It's hard to explain the depths of pain for a scapegoat, who is told in various ways "you are not right" or "we know how you can be". They are blamed sadly for what the family in many cases made them become. For David, his family is a place of solace, and easing of conscience but you see, would be narcissistic families are not good influences on consciences.

One comment by [Ky Ya Ya] on the video on the Vice Interview below sums things up:

"The family narrative is pervasive & powerful. Even when reality intrudes, the narrative holds strong. It's a habit of thought, operationalised in family roles that stigmatise & problematise the "scapegoat". This narrative is modelled, reinforced & rewarded by toxic parents. You get good at what you practice, this includes negative thinking, toxic family narratives, victim-blaming, responsibility avoidance & selfishness. Golden child siblings are literally blind to the abuse, even though they SEE it. They are blind because they are conditioned to think the scapegoat IS the problem, they are also blind to the abuse of the scapegoat, because they don't see it as abuse. My golden child sister has no clue our NM is abusive & manipulative, she thinks she's a "good" person. My GC sister has no clue regarding her own abusive behaviour!! They operate in a moral fog where their evil/wrongdoing is justified, redescribed, minimised & denied."


Reading Between the Lines About David Sedaris' Family

Scapegoating Families: David Sedaris' Vice Interview (Pt. 1 of 5)


Questioning the Nuclear Family

I saw this quote today and it resonated with me. As some know, here I have done my own questioning of the nuclear family in the article "Family as a Sacred Cow".

The nuclear family is not a crucible of love and support for many people anymore. We definitely are questioning the entire system. Religion definitely has shoved "family-first" down our throats for eons. Anyhow I thought this was a great quote that described much of what I was talking about too.

 Seen on Facebook from a "Douglas Frederick", where the group was discussing suicide....

 "It is the failure of all these "loved ones," the collective of all us which are so busy with our own lives and so disconnected from and unaccountable to one another that lets people slip through the cracks, whether they hurt themselves or someone else. If we truly care about any such transgressors and lost ones, we'll have to get serious about reordering our priorities and shifting our values to recreate a society which tends to and loves each person in it. People committing suicide in our midst is testimony to something broken in the entire social structure. Blaming anyone is pointless. But, what are we willing to do to remedy it?

This reassessment includes our love affair with the nuclear family arrangement we are for some reason so attached to, despite how unhealthy and unnatural it is for a social species. Suicide, murder, and rape are typically unheard of in tribal type social groups. Children can be horribly abused, neglected, or indoctrinated behind closed doors hidden away from the group, treated as the private property of one or two adults who project themselves and all their unhealed shadow material onto the children. What might we consider doing differently, if we really care about people who grow up to be suicidal or transgressive? This is the elephant in the room of -so- many social ills we contend with which no one even thinks to look at.

The Church worships the nuclear family as some kind of God-given sacrament that is utter perfection. Millennia of king-priests, kings, and priests setting our standards for society have sunk in deep so that even the secular world still clings to what is largely a religious arrangement, which once served to help hold a more tenuous kind of society together (at a cost), but I think is, like childhood strategies developed to cope with trauma, now become dysfunctional for us as we continue to grow up. This is the sacred cow very few are willing to challenge, but it's all so obvious.

So, all this points to the desperate need for our society to deeply reconnect on the community level, to revalue the human being more than corporations, banks, the military, profit, property, and privilege. I think we are heading in this direction. People are sick, sad, and exhausted by business as usual. When collective values shift, entire paradigms and eras shift. It is time for another Renaissance, one based on the essential restoring of human value, including so many women and people of whichever ethnicities, which have been undervalued and devalued in the world, squandering our greatest natural resource: each other."


I often think of the squandered potential and lives of people who are in families that do not appreciate or love them and where they emotionally and otherwise do not belong. How many are suppressed just being born or adopted into the wrong group of people?  Suicide I believe is increasing because love and connection in the nuclear family is lacking for many.

In our consumerist society, families have become all about competition too, where the "winners" are worthy of love and care, and the "losers" are ostracized. I have seen this all over, my situation is extreme but know for a child not to be a "success" that often the relationship with the family is not a positive one. Our families have become nothing but competition clubs, who will win is top priority for too many out there.

What is sad, is in America, the nuclear family is gaining precedence.  One of my old IFB churches prided itself on being "family first" and that made me feel left out from the day I started there, because I did not have a family. In conservative circles, they push isolation and fear for the children, with homeschooling, so some kids are cut even more off from community or other people to give them information about the world. They can't have the kids knowing too much because then they may question the religion or the family system.

He is right that children have become more private property then people in themselves. There's so many places now, where people have turned their children into trophies where they are to be a reflection unto a family rather then people in their own right. How many young people can even manage to find themselves or who they are meant to be in a society that tells them their role is to be defined by their nuclear family forever more. My family hated me and made me the scapegoat but they also were a barrier to my desire to become an artist. I was mocked and told art was a waste of time. My intellectual and other interests were not respected. Conformity was the greatest good in my family.

I see 60-70 plus years old stuck in the roles and lives laid out by their families. What will the family think? Families can be like religions in themselves where people are told the world is this way, and don't dare question. I questioned my family like religion. Maybe I thought life should be more then breeding, I couldn't have children anyway. Maybe I thought life should not just be an exercise in conformity, misery and measuring up to narcissists where nothing was good enough anyway. I see young people being more and more crushed by their families, for the ones who are not 'good enough" trophies, mental illness and depression are growing. People are lonely out there and the nuclear family is not enough.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Evangelicals

[seen on facebook]

To carry this metaphor forth properly I would not put a nice piece of furniture, but a pile of busted up firewood, you thought would end up as a good piece of furniture.

Friday, September 20, 2019

Heaven


Many deconvert realizing only a sociopath would send people to burn in hell for eternity. In the early 2010s, I had loved friends die who were not of the "right' religion according to the evangelical and Christian rules regarding heaven. That haunted me for years until I decided to push through the fear and face facts in questioning such toxic beliefs.

https://raingrande.com/profile/olive.poetry

An Even Crazier Diet Forbids Water



WARNING: I DO NOT SUPPORT THE ABOVE AND GOING WITHOUT WATER IS DANGEROUS BY ALL GENERAL MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE AND ADVICE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmpn4GTrTdA&feature=youtube 

 I got myself into another internet argument. I am probably wasting my time, people can do what they want with their lives. Go starve yourself if that will make you happy. The no water diet is going to a new level of insanity and some are playing with death though. Some of us watching this are very afraid for the people including the lady above signing up.

This is what I wrote to 500lb Fasting Lady who is attempting these diets:

"Fat people can starve in that mal-nutrition is a problem for many overweight people especially those with severe Lipedema. In fact scientists have proven mal-nutrition is common in obese people. I believe people take in more calories then they need because the body is hungering for real nutrition that is lacking in our adulterated food. 


If you read my blog I questioned some of size acceptance for years, but this stuff you are signing up for is just more of the usual crash diets that destroy health. Fat phobia and hate is why you literally believe you don't even deserve water. Man that diet, blew my mind. Even prisoners used to get bread AND water for heaven's sake. You are putting your kidneys at risk with that. If you want to suffer go for it. I am not masochist I guess enough for this sick society.

Women with severe Lipedema take enough fat phobia and abuse for a life time. You are young and have internalized your own fat oppression. Sure starve yourself but your body will suffer for it.

Really you look thin on top, your face could be on a 200lb woman, find out if YOU have Lipedema though your legs look kind of thinner. Look into sleep apnea, thyroid and other conditions that put on weight. If you did have an eating disorder seek to solve it, and eat three regular meals a day.

Oh they told me I would die at 28, I turned 51, so be careful of having the doom and gloomers screw with your mind. Maybe my life span won't be as long being fat but I know I'd be dead a hell of a lot sooner on crazy ass diets. Go to a gym too, Planet Fitness is cheap. I still go to mine. I found out I had severe autoimmune problems and severe Lipedema after a life time of being beaten up for being fat.

I have had my fill of false promises in the diet world as well religion. Funny how they overlap. So is the gist now that fat people are so hideous, they must literally starve themselves and go without water. Screw that! I was laughing at the guy who called his diet the Snake Diet, like SNAKE OIL!


I was going to write about the state of size acceptance soon. Some of my mind has changed about it. I still have some misgivings that as Americans especially are fattened up by a toxic society, that these thing are ignored. Increased CO2 levels have been linked to increased obesity by scientists, With size acceptance, I still have some of my health worries regarding size acceptance.

Society seems to be slipping into something psychotic regarding fat, the crash diets and other extreme measures seem to be worsening and becoming more extreme. Some of these people claim they all have science behind them.

I told 500lb Fasting Lady, I have gone without eating, from illness. In 2013, when I believed I was dying but it was dozens of kidney stones going through my system at once, I would go upwards of three days with NO FOOD at all. If I tried to drink juice it would be puked up. It was DRY HEAVING because food disappeared pretty fast. I didn't have weight loss miracles or 28lbs lost from no food for a few days. I find those claims odd. Later illnesses have also suppressed eating. I know what it is like to be too sick to eat for days. It did not bring me improved health.

There's a lot of people who want fat people to suffer even risk DEATH not to be fat anymore. Why should us fat people buy into all the claims? I never have seen a supersized person become a thin person before in my entire life, and I've known a lot of fat people. Some who get to extreme weights and get medical care, can get a 200lb chunk off like I did, that happens. The yo-yo diet brigade kept it up for years around me. All believe in the special diet that will rescue them. It's like a religion and like the promises of religion says heaven will come if you suffer enough or follow the directions of the priest/trainer or diet salesman. Maybe next fat people will walk down the street on 100 mile walks, oops that's already happened like the fat guy claiming he would lose weight bicycling across America.

Fat people need to be done with proving themselves to others. The mea culpa suffering has reached new heights. Maybe to these people I am a hedonistic bitch who won't give up food, but I don't want their life of suffering and pain either. I was young and tried starvation too. Starvation just messed me up. I was so poor I went without food all the time, and it just made me fatter. I'm struggling with mal-nutrition from my health problems, keeping enough vitamins coming in is not easy. The anemia is scary. I can't eat beef without getting sick. Even small amounts of sugar are dangerous to me like in a glass of orange juice because of thrush. .

People can judge me. No one questions why are these fat people having to starve themselves to lose weight in the first place? Does this mean something is wrong with their bodies and they aren't processing food correctly? Do thin people go days and days without eating? I see thin women at my book clubs always go for a couple cookies I can't dare to touch.

For many fat people, the metabolism drops like a rock during starvation experiments. So these people tell them, you can starve your way into thinness, I'm done with being unhappy. Diets suck. Crazy crash diets suck even more and a diet forbidding you water is JUST INSANE.

Fat Hatred Brings Profit and Attention? The Snake Diet Guy Goes on an extreme Fat Hatred Spiel. Warning full of cuss words and hate. Is this someone anyone should take medical advice from? Just another sickening bigot. He sounds like one of those "red pill' people. Nauseating. Literally.

Monday, September 9, 2019

The Lipedema World is Too Caught up With Crazy Diets Instead of Finding a CURE.




I can't stand Lipedema boards anymore on Facebook, it's diet central, and not just your run of a mill Weight Watchers diets. Some of them have now jumped on the bandwagon of Keto gone extreme, there's now a diet, where people eat nothing but meat. It's called the Carnivore Diet.  

Some of the Keto fanatics have decided that carbs are so evil, that they should be done away with entirely. One woman announced to me that vegetables were bad for you. I am so mal-nutritioned, that doctors ordered nursing care for me three months ago, to get to the root, I had to show diet journals, on exactly what I was eating and more. They realized the cause wasn't what I was eating but medical.

I am having serious problems with anemia, that are scary. The anemia could be related to my connective tissue disorder. My red blood cells are often too small. It is coming and going. Sometimes it makes me break out in extreme sweats. I am re-adding some beef to the diet, trying to be cautious, due to the kidney stones. I am low on multiple vitamins. Yesterday's food included a hardboiled egg, some cooked turnips and carrots, pistachios, a peach, one chicken breast, an apple, a turkey sandwich, and some canned soup that had a little bit of spinach and carrots in it so I am attempting to have the diet be variable for nutrition and to hedge my bets on the nutritional and vitamin deficiencies. Today I had eggs and mushrooms and peppers for breakfast and will have cooked cauliflower with onions for a soup at lunch with a sandwich, and probably left over chicken with peppers, tomatoes, probably cooked in some type of burrito dish or casserole.

I think people who think they can be healthy eating all meat are insane. I would be doubled over with the bowels checking out and it would be kidney stone city. I wonder if they will like scurvy? Are they promoting "functional anorexia" in some Lipedema circles so some women in less severe stages won't get so large? It makes me wonder. Fasting, and extreme diets are the name of the game. I find myself thinking, "Oh great, I have a rare fat woman's disease, where everyone just sees fat, and they have no interest in focusing on a real medical cure, they'd rather focus on starving us all so we comply-body wise".

I have given up on diets. Maybe it's size acceptance, maybe I am just too damn physically hungry all the time. Maybe I got sick of it all realizing it didn't work. Maybe I have to eat a certain way to avoid headaches, digestive hell, and to just stay alive.  Maybe it's realizing severe dieting forced me on insulin or that the diabetes WORSENS when I have LESS food. I have noticed my blood sugars are far better when I eat what I want and when I want it--when hungry. Today's was 125. I know I will stay supersized for life. Diets brought me nothing but shame, blame, misery, and depression, and never worked on me anyway.

I don't want to eat some extreme nutso way, to have a normal body. One woman told me Carnevore is not a calorie restricted way of eating and that it was the opposite of starving and high in fat, and would keep hunger away. She told me carbohydrates cause hunger and to include offal to avoid nutritional deficiencies. I am allergic to liver and know that offal creates very high levels of uric acid so found this advice dubious as well. She told me, "We don't need any dietary carbohydrates." [what!!!?]


For my own sanity, I am going to avoid those boards. Too many women only care about how they look, and the judgment on a supersized person in those circles is too immense. They cry over being 210lbs so 500lbs would not be acceptable. Some do lose fat weight but their swollen legs and hips remain. Some are obsessed about weight to a degree that is psychologically harmful especially to someone like myself whose taken multiple decades of abuse over being overweight.  It makes me upset that the central focus is on the fat weight and not on why our lymph systems have failed. It troubles me that there will be no real cure or help for this disease and people will keep dying, and blamed and shamed for "not losing enough weight."


I still go to the gym by the way, was there twice last week and this Saturday, can do 20 minutes on the arm bicycler, am doing the rope pull which I like to build stamina. I like the gym, just wish my overall fatigue was not so bad, to keep up with.

I have given up on weight loss dreams and find it all absurd and depressing. I made it to my 50s which I guess is something since everyone said I would be dead by 35 for being so fat.  I hope I don't gain weight and need to maintain my mobility but there's no way I am going to sign on to any crazy diet that makes me feel like shit all day long.

There's a certain point where people's advice sucks. I wonder what is going on in the Lipedema world that these crazy diets are being advanced and I am disappointed as hell about it all. It often is not a supportive or good psychological place for a supersized woman to be. If I am feeling this way, how many other stage 4 people  are feeling like I do or even worse because they may be immobile or bigger seeing their health communities betray them this way?  I consider it a betrayal, having crazy diets shoved down my throat. Some seem to be true believers too, like their diet will bring the promised land. Well I know how often people push their false promises. If men, had Lipedema except a few rare ones, the answers wouldn't be more diets, more would be done.