Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Sednas Daughters

Sednas Daughters: International Network of Daughters Surviving Family Shunning

Chart of Abuse in Family Daughter Relationships

about Sedna's Daughters

"Behavioral Chart of Abuse in Family—Daughter Relationships
Expecting daughters to endure lifelong abuse from their mothers is as damaging to women as expecting mothers to be perfect.

Possessiveness and Minimization & Blame
• Family does not take responsibility for their actions • Mothers claim birth of daughters ruined her life • Family claims daughter’s feelings are drama • Refuses to discuss or heal relationship issues • Tells adult daughter how to think, dress & act • Condemns daughter for moving away or having a partner • Telephones excessively/demands details of daughter’s life • Accuses daughter of abandoning them if she has her own life  • Sabotages daughter’s relationships with others or with family members/turns younger family members against her."

I had a reader suggest this website. It has some good articles. I hope I can find their Facebook page and wrote and asked where it was, since the link was not working. This website is different in that she focuses on the whole ostracization phenomenon and focuses on those who lost the whole family. I do think this outreach is important. While some can keep some family relationships in going no contact, for some of us who walk away, it is the loss of an entire family.  The malignant narcissists have "won", we end up with no one by our side from the family. Our decades of abuse and shunning have culminated in being free of kinfolk down to the last cousin, niece or nephew.

The chart detailing the various abuses basically sums up what happened to us. We all have to remind ourselves it is not our fault.

With the hoovering, some of it is strange like recently being invited to a cousin's wedding where he just grunted at me in 2006 and never has spoken a complete sentence to me in my life.  I never got in one argument with him but would be friendly and he would simply turn away. The same went for his brother and sister to a lesser extent. I and my husband left that family picnic right after I sat at the table, and asked him about college and he just grunted and turned away.

It occurred that if this person who lived at home until the age of 32 with no job in his parent's attic was somehow able to find a wife, this means he actually probably SPOKE to other people and did more then grunt at them. He wasn't some extreme savant or schizoid. I was so used to rudeness and being treated badly, some things escaped my attention. Others around him supported this treatment of me. There's a reason my grandmother told me before she died, that he was her favorite grandchild. I won't be there of course but it's funny the new things that still occur to me now, even this many years outside the fog of scapegoat abuse.

I do wonder if family "shunning" is growing in modern society, social media, has given smear campaigners more power and ability to reach an audience. In the past, families were expected to take care of their own, and too public of a shunning, may have had worse social impacts when everyone lived in the same town, and knew each other for life. There's positives in modern society in that there's more avenues of escape now and information, but there are those negatives too.

Life Recently

1. I caught a "cold/flu/severe respiratory infection, three times in the last two-three months. Some of these illnesses lasted 2-3 weeks. Obviously I am a bit worried. I have to get tested, I've basically been sick on and off since December 15th. I'm not sure what is going wrong? What's wrong with my immune system? I got bronchitis on the first bout and took antibiotics, but the second two, I got over it and then they merged together.

My husband gave me all three colds/flus/illnesses from hell. He suffered badly too. This was a really bad cold and flu season this year. When he came home with the third one, I even discussed one of us leaving, but where does a person go to escape an illness they don't want? Then you wonder if the other person will need your help and you don't want to leave them! Do you run away from cold germs and race to the homeless shelter when one isn't homeless? It's winter.  I discussed us wearing masks, but they are harder to breathe with and I already have to keep hearing aids from popping out, and hold on to the walker, so that's too much to keep track of. Wearing latex gloves makes me sound like a weirdo. I plan to discuss this with my doctor. My fatigue is still a major problem. Tomorrow I have to get a kidney scan and hope there is no big kidney stone in there.

My diabetes has been kind of messed up since these illnesses. I had 131 this morning but had some blood sugars in the 140s, 150s and even hit a 160 once or twice. Hopefully it will come back down.

2. I got to tour gyms with husband, he was doing something work related. I found myself wondering what could I have done with this body if I could go on a treadmill and be able to breathe? Thin people's bodies work so differently.  All you thin people, don't take that stuff for granted. If you can get up on one of those treadmills, you are fortunate! I still think something more is wrong with Whitney Thore as she gets sicker and more messed up trying to exercise instead of more fit and stronger. She screamed about her feet hurting at this one 8K walk and they looked like they had bloated up to me.

Going into the Y, I got tired because it is so big. That was ironic. They gave us a free day pass. Well that may be good, I plan to use it to go lift weights. The gym nearest my house I could afford the bus to get to, is too expensive at this point but I am trying to figure things out still. One thing the gym people were nice. It was a place more young people were hanging out. I forget the reason I see mostly older people is because everyone is at work or the gym.

I have to get weighed in a week and half. My Flexitouch still fits and my underwear still fits the same, so I guess I am okay. I worry when illness makes me sedentary. One irony of being in bed, is I do debloat, and get wrinkly in places, and I can walk "lighter". Some of the Lipedema pain is lifted. I'm coughing my head off, but there's less pain except the aches of the flu to deal with.

3. I still miss Q. Losing a friend even online is hard.

4. I worry I am bad at giving advice. Modern life is far too complex. I have to remember I can't figure out every puzzle and quit doing it. Comforting people comes natural to others. I would never call myself an empath as some ACON's do because I often lack the right words to say. With the Aspergers that's one of the things that sucks about it, like this feeling of always failing people. "Oh I said the wrong thing..." [AGAIN]

5. I've gotten shyer with age. I need to deal with some appearance issues, and get a new hairdo and new clothes, but I keep spending the money on "practical things"  and just ending up running out of money. I was buying better food, but this was from fears of the illness and diabetes. Well a person can only do what they can. I did finally get my carpet cleaned. I was happy about that! The apt had a brief moment of appearing near normal since we just got it painted last year and the carpet was cleaned. I may hire these people to clean grout on the bathtub.

6. The social life needs work. I still plan to work on it. One doesn't want to get caught in people pleasing or anything like that of course. The reality of disability is only so many spoons, and even a day totally inside, it seems I have enough to do. One weird thing occurred to me, "Why did I remain friends with people who had no respect for me for so long? Even homeless people befriend other homeless people they respect. Us recovering ACONs got too used to no respect. That's one to add to the rule list, "don't stay or be friends with anyone who looks down on you".

7. Cheeto is still president. Please vote at Midterms. Save us. I missed some protesting via weather and illness but plan to go back. We did have a small Woman's March here. I can't march but joined up with them at the end point.  I get tired of the media telling us how great the economy is. I'm not seeing it around here. They are opening Dollar Stores on the "rich side" of town while great sections are shuttered. I plan to take "ruin porn" photos this spring for the heck of it. Today watching Washington Journal on C-SPAN it was scary, they had all these pro-Trump people calling in.

8. I joined a UU fellowship. They treat us pretty well and it's an interactive place, I like that. The minister has good sermons and the services are very multi-media and full of poetry and art too. They seem to have a respect for my husband I find refreshing unlike the other church experiences. He's no longer the "lost soul" and me the "pitiful unequally yoked wife". It's funny I got some good memories back of my earlier UU years. I had missed the intellectual freedom. I know my environment of living in that extremely rural town trying to seek after some idealized life after escaping the horrors of Chicago, did influence me greatly. I guess I'm getting a look at life, kind of going full circle. I've been happy being there, and enjoy the discussion and intellectual stimulation.

9. I got bifocal glasses, my husband had an extra writing project and the money was finally there, I had to get cheaper ones from the "free" clinic for 200 bucks instead of a mainstream Optical place wanting 550 bucks but they look good.  I may try and get some online ones later too as a back up. I didn't realize how bad my vision had gotten, now I can read signs, and I can see bark on trees. I wonder if it will help my art. It was great to be able to see and not squint.

10. I'm working on the zines, reprints of articles and ones to add. Also painting an unusual painting of war protesters but hoping it will turn out.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Books Recommended for Autistic Women

Book Recommendations for Autistic Women

The Gaugin Connection – Estelle Ryan
nonfiction book about an autistic art insurance investigator.
not the best writing, but nice for representation.

Thinking in Pictures – Dr. Temple Grandin
Grandin presents her life & mind.

[I read this one, she is a much more spatial/mathematical thinker then I am, I sometimes wonder if Grandin has Kanner's Syndrome, the subset of autism, where connection to other humans is not so desired, Aspies like me miss it if we don't have it and yearn for it. One thing her "thinking in pictures" applies to me. I don't always think in words but in pictures and sensations. ]

Asperger’s on the Inside – Michelle Vines
Vines’ memoir.

The Autistic Brain – Dr. Temple Grandin
Grandin explores recent research & gives advice.

[This book was interesting. It is kind of technical on medical things. I disagreed with some of her hard-edged stuff regarding careers. I am not sure every Aspie is going to find the same degree of career success. She is right Aspies need to work hard and try their best but not every Aspie has the same physical health or family support. I think she is naive about some of the social demands put on Aspies in the workplace, where people without super-star skills, may not be able to wind their way through so easily]

The Highly Sensitive Person – Dr. Elaine Aron
Recommended to be post-Dx, 

[I read this one years ago. It kind of triggered me. I remember feeling over-stimulated by the book which probably wasn't her intention. One thing in life, I have dealt with is making myself less sensitive so I am not crying all the time. It did have some information on dealing with anxiety and seemed to be honest about how a complex world seemed to overtake me. Of course it would take years to realize my hyper-vigilance was born out of severe narcissistic abuse, then a natural born tendency. Of course Aspergers plays a role in anxiety, but no contact reduced my numbers of panic attacks so much, it was amazing.]

22 Things A Woman With Asperger’s Syndrome Wants Her Partner To Know – Rudy Simone
Read this with my partner & it helped us discover strategies to better support one another.

[I skimmed this one at a book store, was too poor to buy it. I always saw myself as married to a fellow Aspie anyway but one therapist told me he is just very intelligent and not an Aspie. She agreed with my diagnosis. He can talk to people far more comfortably then me though.

The book seemed more geared to AS and NT partnerships. I don't think I would have lasted with a typical NT though.  They probably would have bored me to death. Do normal couples sit around discussing history and politics? He just came in my bedroom to tell me about a book he is reading about global warming called "The Water Will Come". I asked him "What large American cities are on the list?" He said, "New York". That's a bit worrisome. I did research global warming and changed my mind on it, I read scientific descriptions and finally figured out what they meant. It's happening.]

All the Weight of our Dreams – Brown/Ashkenazy/Onaiwu
Re: the intersection of race & autism. Racialized & pathologized bodies like mine.

Bittersweet on the Autism Spectrum – anthology
A lovely read. Various & individual perspectives/stories/paths.

I am AspienWoman – Tania A. Marshall
Shows profiles of several successful adult autistic women. Great for self-esteem, planning, & motivation.

Pretending to be Normal – Liane Holliday Willey
Memoir on late-diagnosis. 

[She got diagnosed as an adult. Well I did too, but at least this told me this had happened to others. She does have some flowery language I had a hard time grasping and she seemed higher functioning with children and a career, so I didn't relate to all of the book. I think she does have Aspergers, it's just not as severe as mine, and she had diagnostic end notes that helped me.]

Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder – Sarah Hendrickx
Sarah researched autism from the outside looking in. Then she was diagnosed herself. 

Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate – Cynthia Kim
Based off her blog, a memoir on late-diagnosis & coming to terms with it. Highly recommend.

[love the title on this one want to read this one]

Aspergirls – Rudy Simone
Very popular & relatable but read it in chunks because it can get quite heavy. 

[This one is the best, I wish I could afford a copy for everyone I want to understand me. She sums up my life. I loved one section where they talked about aging with Aspergers. I think that is a topic that needs explored more in depth.]

Odd Girl Out – Laura James
So relatable I had to take breaks to cry & process. Beautiful.

The Empath’s Survival Guide – Dr. Judith Orloff
Recommended to me post-Dx. Incredibly affirming, validating, and helpful.

[I read this one years ago. I don't consider myself an empath. I know some ACONs do but when it comes to nurturing and comforting people, I'm the biggest stumbler and bumbler out there. I did used to have people come and use me as a counselor, but I think that may have been more bad boundaries on my part then any would be skill in it.]

Asperger’s and Self-Esteem – Norm Ledgin
Great examples of wonderful achievements done by autistics.

Neurotribes – Steve Silberman
*not pictured but absolutely necessary read for everyone before they speak about autism. Steve gives an overview of the history of the concept of autism.

[I definitely want to read the ones I haven't yet.]


This blogger is an atheist but I find some of his videos hard-hitting, this one definitely puts the negative view of God, especially in the evangelical and fundamentalist branches of Christianity on display. I asked myself as I was deconverting, "How can there be true love and respect between two beings when one is under duress and "threatened" with hell?

Monday, February 26, 2018

The Last Gasp of the American Taliban?


The other day I was on Facebook and it's getting scary when it comes to America. I didn't expect to be living under a religious right resurgence at this late age. Some of us fear Christian fundamentalists turning militant. My status as an ex-Christian may make things even more sticky for me. It's funny in all my IFB churches, they talked about the persecution of Christians, now I fear persecution from another angle.

I had this Republican friend dissing Native American Heritage Month and Black History month. He is married to another friend. His mostly conservative friends all cheered this. What could I say? I asked them "How come celebration of different cultures is bad to you folks?" They got angry. One lady who looked and acted just like Betty Bowers got strident. I wrote, "So celebrating other cultures is evil now?" and she wrote to me, "Political correctness must die!" and "It's a waste of time to argue with your ilk!" 

 I wrote an article, I regret now on this blog: Putting Down One Group Won't Elevate Another.

While I retained some liberal views during my sojourn into fundamentalist Christianity, their viewpoints affected me too. I was seeped into the alt-right world and fundamentalist churches. How can I even explain how right wing news and even alt-right conspiracy crap affects people's minds? The constant fear-mongering is extreme. They do train people to be afraid of everything including other races. It puts out this world view that is really pretty sickening. Even if I rejected the Republican party and some of it's extremes, it affected me even as I fought with myself inside. By the way because I was in the bible prophecy, fundie Christian world, I believe I have lost some of my old Christian and conservative readership even here since the deconversion. Many have left since I left the faith.   I have to go where life and my own mind has taken me. Watching Trumpsters shout against cultural celebrations tells me the racism is alive and well and Trump has given it permission to come out in full force.

Breaking away from fundamentalist religion has cleared my head a lot. Other people who deconvert from Christianity often deconvert from it's poisonous politics. I am one of them. What is weird is as all these Republican people on Facebook dissed Native American Heritage month, is that people have asked me if I am part Indian or Native American. I don't know what I am until I get the 23 and me or Ancestry.com money together. I don't want to claim I am an ethnic group I am not, but it makes me wonder. If people are going to reject even the celebration of a culture so important to America, with it's dances, art, pow-wows and more, what am I to think? They are just mean. They want life to to be this narrow world. I have noticed that most people with these views are all self-avowed Christians especially of the evangelical and fundamentalist variety.

The racism is definitely coming out.

 My views have since changed I wrote the "Why Do Some Liberals Think All White People are Rich? .  While I still understand that neo-liberalism in the Democratic party has made it more akin to the center-right in other nations and there is elitist support of the oligarchy. I didn't understand what exactly the term "white privilege" meant in both articles. I still worry about division between races being made worse , but it is obvious since Trump has brought out racism that laid dormant that those who warn about "white privilege" definitely have good points to make and I started listening. If anything all the racism pushed by the right, will serve to keep everyone economically oppressed. It's all intertwined, the racism, the prison system of mass incarceration, that gives almost free labor to endless corporations, the sexism and the endless authoritarianism.


 One thing that woke me up, is on Facebook, while I held these attitudes, I was openly protesting police brutality against black suspects on Facebook. One case that really got to me is when they strangled a man with asthma whose only crime was selling cigarettes without tax stamps. The cruelty was astounding. His name was Eric Garner. What frightened me as I filled my then wall protesting deaths of black suspects via police brutality, is I noticed only my liberal friends seemed to care. The Christian friends weren't answering. Some even posted things in defense of police, and memes that seemed to infer that the people who died "deserved" what they got. This growing cruelty really upset me. It is one of those many puzzle pieces that built up to my deconversion. Conscience took me out. I couldn't follow a cruel god of a cruel religion anymore.

And it still goes on today, this line between people with no empathy. The American Taliban is inherently racist.  I wrote about the growing meanness in my old small rural town. Why is there so much contempt for the poor in a community full of poor people? One reason I did not move back there, is I feared going back no longer being working class but more poor. It looks like my instincts were correct.

Sometimes I feel like some conservative, fundamentalist, right wing/Tea Party Baby Boomers [yes there are liberal Baby-Boomers too], want to burn this place down as they shuffle off this mortal coil. I have hope in young people who may finally stand up. I hope they do. Generation X has been too silent in the face of too much nonsense. Maybe our hope will be in millennials or Generation Y. They are far less religious. I hope they realize a better world is possible instead of giving up for the dystopian world so many of the Christians seem to picture that is based in fear and control.

Have you ever wondered about that? When I was young, one still imagined the future as having flying cars, and cured diseases and hope. Today especially in right wing circles, it's like all darkness. Like getting old isn't hard enough, I have to be marched off at gunpoint to the FEMA camp to be guillotined for not taking the mark of the beast? But even for the non-bible prophecy extremists, on the right, hopeful futures are wiped away, it's all about the money masters and their control of you. Young people are all "entitled snowflakes" who don't deserve everything certainly no liveable wages and no happiness. The politics of resentment and no hope rule on the right and in the America. They are angry. Instead of wanting better for young people they want WORSE.

And here's one question too, What's wrong with social justice? I always see memes where they mock social justice warriors, so social injustice is something good? Sometimes I wonder if you see God ready to smash you with a fist from heaven ordering genocide after genocide in the Old Testament, that anyone who wants to stand up for humanity is seen as the enemy against God. This is about holding out for power and the status quo of society. If your God is cruel, mean, perfectionist and cold, you will demand more prisons then parks. That's why the religious right loves to lock everyone up. This is why they have no problem with mass incarceration or the new Jim Crow.

There's a reason that show: The Handmaiden's Tale got so popular. Some of us worry that is the future in America. When I started having doubts while still attending churches, I knew people who lived the Quiverful life, who didn't believe in birth control for women. One man at a Calvary Chapel I attended published an alternative magazine calling for Patriarchy and for men to rule and for women to stay at home barefoot and pregnant. There's a reason why so many people homeschooled and said public schools were evil. One strange thing that happened to me, is watching all these Christian girls at these churches train to be midwives, I kept thinking about that book, "The Handmaiden's Tale" which I read in the 1980s even before the Netflex series came out.

One thing that is scary for me, is when I was a Christian, I wrote against Dominionism on Christian websites, as an "antichrist" force and told other Christians not to trust the Republican party. I was a lone voice shouting against the wind and then hadn't questioned the very foundations of the religion yet. I have read books like "The Family" and know about groups like the Council For National Policy. Trump is in with all those Dominionists and they helped give him power. One book, I wish everyone could read is the book "The American Fascists: The Christian Right and It's War on America by Chris Hedges. 

With Trump's election, they have gone fascist on many aspects. Rolling back the ADA, giving tax cuts to their billionaire friends, the list goes on and on. Pence is even more overly uber-fundamentalist then Trump who can do no wrong in many evangelical Christian eyes even though he's been married three times and brags about grabbing women on their private parts. Chris Hedge's warnings are coming true. Hell my own warnings on Christian message boards and websites as I wrote against Dominionism are coming true. Trump wanted his militarized parade, I am not sure if that is still going to happen. They have become more authoritarian,and more crazy. So many in my old small rural town have fallen completely under their spell.

Racism, sexism, authoritarianism, militarism, police brutality and many things are growing to make their dystopian dreams a reality. Some believe the system will self correct, and this is the last gasp of people who are aging, and knowing their power is waning but one thing anyone who is a student of history knows even a dying group who is aging out and still holds the reigns of power, can do incredible damage. Even though the Moral Majority are entering their 60s and 70s, that still gives them time to do a lot of harm to people. Why are our states turning redder by the minute? My own is purple and ready to fall. They already passed laws destroying worker's rights.


My fellow liberals and many young people don't realize how backwards and theocratic some places have grown, they don't know this culture from the inside. I was inside it, lived it and I am scared.  They don't realize the true agendas that are desired and would be even more horrific for the poor, minority races and gay people. They have become more radicalized, I see the changes even in my old small town that are extreme. Even if young people are more secular by far by the numbers, many of our democratic institutions are in danger. Remember what I wrote regarding what Carl Sagan warned of and the growing antipathy against science in religious circles in America. Trump and his followers have made these things government policy. This is why the EPA was defunded.

I do fear a war or other disaster growing their influence. Worsening economic distress could be used to grow their insanity. All they need is a spark to set it off, and we could all be in big trouble. Just look at the history of Iran, read a graphic novel like Persepolis, religious groups take over nations all the time. We have Southern states while places implode passing laws requiring that "In God We Trust" be put on school buildings that just got shot up with dozens murdered.

Americans forget that one must be watchful of freedom. We are looking a power grab now that could turn into a potentially violent power grab to gain full control. Some of us dream of Trump being impeached. Groups like "Duty to Warn" and the resist movement have questioned his ability to be a fit president, but he has many followers who wouldn't like this. The pastors all praise Trump from the pulpit that makes him sound like the Second Coming. I know what is said about liberals in religious circles and the dehumanizing approach of religious right politics. Polarization is growing in this country and sadly it's leading to more extremism. I do hope that some sanity comes back. We need it.  I am seeing more extreme radicalization among old church members, my old town and just very poisonous and uncaring rhetoric. Lack of empathy is being advanced society wide with the narcissists and head sociopaths using these things for more power. This country needs a positive future, not a hellscape borne out of nationalism and extreme religions, that seeks to censor all but the most powerful and wealthy. It's scary, comparing today to the actual future I envisioned when young and disappointing too. Please vote and get involved as much as you can.

When You Notice Patterns in How You Were Treated And Change Them

When you are out for several years in no contact, you will ponder some weird stuff. You will notice patterns that escaped your notice before. I still socially struggle in real life but I am doing better on some things. I will explain more in this article.

Online, things are great, I make friends easily and have close ones, some I talk to even almost daily, but in real life while I can get some friendly acquaintances, I am just not close to anyone except my husband. About two years ago, I decided I am going to take the social pressures off, and I just didn't try to make real life friends anymore. This meant doing activities for the sake of the activity and it's enjoyment. Other Aspies have told me, they made this decision too. While there's that feeling of loss, off the Internet why can't I replace the relationships I walked away from, it did make me more far more relaxed about life.

This can be a time of heavy pressure for a scapegoat, and if you have a delayed no contact it can be tough to realize you spent decades being fooled by narcissists and hit this horrible revelation, that the majority of people in your life don't respect you very much. Fixing this can be almost as hard of a process as going no contact to begin with.

 I almost recoiled with horror at how the millionaire friend, and the Army friend treated me the same as my family. I realized other friendship patterns fit the dynamic of the family where an often an older woman "befriended" me and made a project out of me. This happened to me in my younger years and happened to me with that false deliverance minister and in my earlier years when we were living here. These older women did not see me as their equal but someone to fix.  That's a dynamic I nipped in the bud and ended after I went no contact.

 There's probably been a lot of times where I spent crying wondering "what is wrong with me" and hating whatever forces [I lean towards blunt chance since the Christian god in his indifference became a non-entity to me] pulled the levers for the outcome of my life. It was like I and my husband outside of one of his close friends and my online friends ended up on an island somewhere.

There was this friend, I had drop a book off for me for book club. She's my only local friend, beyond people who live farther away, and is a nice friend but we only see each other on occasion. She is a very busy person, has a huge extended loving family that demands her time and energy though she is childless, volunteers a lot, does ministry work for her church. I had been housebound a few weeks at that time. I'm not now as it warmed up this last week. And I asked her to stay, but she replied, "Oh I am so busy, I can't". I don't think she meant harm, and I smiled and nodded as she went on her way out, but I got some strange emotions during this interchange. The feeling of inner rejection bothered me. I learned to hide this stuff years ago. Being clingy does not win one social prices. Needy people scare people away. In her case, she was really busy, since she treats me well at other times, so I was able to calm down. The emotions that arose led me to think about a lot of stuff though.

If I was ever to point to the worse thing Queen Spider cursed my life with, it wouldn't be the being hit, or the feelings of unsafety that led to PTSD, or the constant Cinderella housework, or the constant being screamed at, it would be this feeling of inner rejection. The life long feeling that I don't belong anywhere. It is hard to describe it. The word summing it up: REJECTION. This probably is the worse inheritance people receive from narcissistic parents.

I realize now that this is what led to some very painful times, and depression. When I lost my last community, a place where people talked more openly even though later I moved away from their conservative beliefs, that was very painful. People who live their lives feeling no sense of kinship or acceptance among any group do pay a very painful price.

Remember how the family always rejected me? They still hoover me now. And no it's not real letters or offers to reconcile or anything like that, just more disrespectful one liners or the weirdness this January of my mother sending my husband a birthday card. We just threw it all in the trash. They are intent to keep "track" of me even this many years in. It's creepy and it's so fake. I also think too, they HAD THEIR CHANCE. I am not a sap!

The constant messages I got from them all was CONSTANT REJECTION, and where they announced they were "TOO BUSY". It was weird, I noticed this pattern. The way I was treated was always as unimportant. I was always "last in line" behind everyone else, and "low priority". When I analyzed things it was across the board.  I made this list some time ago. I was cleaning out old emails from my always ever-stuffed email accounts, and I noticed the pattern of rejection. It was right in front of my eyes. Just like the emails I saved to remind me never to crawl back. This list reminded me of patterns to break and things to change in my life to make it better. 

Now keep in mind as you read the below. I lived 75-250 plus miles from all parties and only contacted them a few times a year, once every 2-3 months at most. Several I only contacted about once a year.

" Cousin: We went up later in the afternoon after having lunch with my dad. And we could only stay a few hours, because I needed to get the kids back to my ex wife last night. It wasn't anything planned. I didn't know how long I was going to be in town, so when it turned out that I got all of Thanksgiving day off, we decided to go up to see your mother."

"Brother:"What email? The messages you sent above? Been too busy with Christmas and my van being in the shop and having to get the car repaired (needs new inner tie rods) and paying bills and buying food, and ------ having doctor appointments, and the boys mom hot water heater, washer dryer and......."

Brother: The only reason I don't talk as much to anyone (youre not the only one I haven't seen any of my friends in months!) is because Im so damn busy running a business, taking care of personal stuff and dealing with Dumbass (his ex-wife}


Brother: I am very fucking busy. Sorry that I you don't understand that but if you don't that's your problem not mine. You have no clue what it is like to RUN YOUR OWN BUSINESS. It requires a lot more than 40 hours a week. But I do it because I love it. But again with business and personal things that keep me busy everyday I don't have much time to do what I want. Fuck I haven't played golf in 3 fucking years! But I'm not complaining mind you I just had to adjust my priorities."

 Referring to Aunt Scapegoat {who ignored my letters and cards of 2009-2012 and blew me off for several years). I believe she lied to the cousin now and gaslighted him about me now.

Cousin: She wasn't angry at you or anything - I think she just didn't want too much contact with people. If I called her more than once a month, she tended to not answer - though she always welcomed a visit once in a while.


"I've had times when I stopped by unannounced and she just didn't answer the door (and that worried me so I called our uncle, and he said that's just how she is, and she's fine). I called her last week and left a message, which she never returned. She was tired a lot, and I just tried to respect that. I told her a few months ago that I thought you were wondering if she was mad at you. She said she wasn't, and didn't even know why you might think that. She told me some fond stories about you."

Other cousin:

"I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. I just get so busy and then I don't know what to say."

"We didn't have time to stop by your apartment. My days are spent on what needs done next. ______ has a visit to the dentist this morning to fill a naturally formed divit in her molar. Ouch! she'll be numb for a while. Before she sees the Ortho. in two weeks. ________starts band camp next week. We did meet yesterday to retrieve ________ 300 miles from point 'A' only to end up at point 'A' it was a long day. We were just too pressed for time to stop by."

[I live only half a mile off that route and hadn't seen nieces and nephews in two years at the time]

Sister Again:
" Thanksgiving we are visiting _______ in ________who never see them either but maybe once year. My in laws are still fortunate to travel 1,000 miles to visit WI. We need to go see _parents before they age too much and cannot enjoy the kids.

Sister Again:

"We are pressured by time. It seems there is never enough. Not an excuse I know. But the kids especially four at once visiting you _________ would be too tiring. Traveling is always a gamble you don’t know what is ahead of you. The kids are usually starting school the next day and they do get exhausted coped up in a car so we make the trip quickly."

[I lived 250 miles away from her, she was driving on a highway less then half a mile from my apartment, and there wasn't even even time for a ten minute visit: I had not seen the kids in two or three years at this time]


"Sorry we didn't stop, but we were tired and knew we had to get home to get unloaded and to church. We also had to drive to _________on Sunday to pick up _________from the airport who has stayed with us this week. We take him back to ________ to fly home. He spent the last couple of days with his aunt ______________."

[she took a year to respond to an email, I wrote "Did you get my email?" this was my response, I had gone no contact then with the first set of people.


"The fact is I just saw your email tonight. You can believe that if you want but it is a fact. I'm working very hard at school and have a class of more than 30 kids. Being my first year back has been a challenge. I do not have time to comment on many of the points you have made properly this time. I can say that I'm sorry and sad you feel the way you do."

Other cousin:

"I'm sorry for not replying. I saw your email but haven't made time to read through it yet. I'm not much for keeping up a correspondence with people, so don't take it personally. I will try to make the time to read and respond to you in the next week." [he never did]

Notice the pattern? When I went no contact, years ago, there was so much to change. I realized as I noticed this pattern, that I was running and begging to these people for their notice, attention and love far too long. It sent up a very negative pattern in my life. It needed breaking. I don't want people like this in my life, and would rather be alone. Sure real friends get busy, or behind online correspondence but this treatment was something else. It is to be avoided like the plague.

Sadly for years I thought I was the problem as people treated me with the above disrespect and rudeness. They all acted like they were doing me a favor to talk to me at all. Today the me of today, would say; "No thanks, don't let the door hit you on the way out". I don't think I am the problem anymore. I don't waste time on people like this anymore. They had their chance. One cannot force people to love or care about you either. If you are in the mode of where you have to "prove" yourself, it's already over. 

I told my husband and close friends online some odd stuff, I said, "I don't want to have to sell myself anymore or work to be noticed" If I am feeling that strain in relationship I am going to step out. I realized too seeking validation via people was a dead end. It's a trap I feel into. This is a trap ACONs have to be very careful of. It leads to depression and expectations where you always feel let down. It worsens relationships instead of improving them.

Queen Spider would harangue me saying, "No one likes you" and like a mean girl in the movie Heathers would tell me how "popular" she was while telling me I had no friends. It was better to just try and enjoy one's life and let the chips fall where they may when it came to friendship. I wasn't going to run after people anymore or beg for their notice or visits like I did with my family. Changing some of these patterns did bring me a lot more peace in life.

One thing that can happen to scapegoats, is that they end up with a life full of narcissists and people who disrespect them. The cleaning out process is not easy. It can take several years. You realize you don't want to take abuse anymore. You don't want to go begging. It's time to break the pattern. I did grow stronger feeling more okay about life, and no longer blaming myself. I saw these patterns, and realized the depths of what had been done and what happened. I adjusted expectations too enjoying activities and people I met at those same activities as too. It made things more relaxed for me and for others.

I realized that I met strangers online [some who would later become close friends] who offered me far more love, support, notice and validation then any relatives or family members. There was no loving support or treatment among the so called "family". I blamed myself for this failure for far too long, always thinking it was something "I did" but I realize now it was all their choice.

One thing when people tell us, "I love you, or I wish we could see each other more, and then follow it up with, "I am too busy, I just do not have time to...... or constant excuses, the fact is that person is lying. All these family members were lying to me. The gaslighting hit huge levels too when I was told an aunt that had refused to answer emails and cards for three years was "fond of me".  One friend told it to me blunt, when I showed her this pattern and list some time ago, "Your family doesn't respect you." Do not keep people in your life who have no respect for you.

Many ACONs will work for a long time on relationships that are toxic not realizing they are all completely one sided. It does make people feel like failures and a bad people. Breaking this pattern is very important for an ACON who goes no contact and wants to be completely free. It can be a scary process leaving such a high number of relationships. I don't regret ending several friendships I have ended. My self esteem has improved and my anxiety has as well. Do not keep people in your life, who make you feel always like you are last on the list, a low priority, or make you feel like a failure. I and my husband had a discussion the other day, where I said, "I am so relieved I don't have to plead with these people for love or anything anymore", and he said he was relieved too. The burden has been cast off.  Even with my other struggles life definitely can become more meaningful and peaceful.