Saturday, October 1, 2022

Safe and Effective?


This is a UK based video talking about the problems with the Covid vaxxes. It brings up many scientific reasons and other problems with corruption and stories of the horrific side effects. It shocks me how they continue to suppress what is happening. The vaxxes have harmed a lot of people. Remember the days when they told us they were 95% effective? What a joke! Everyone I know who has had the vaxx has had Covid, some multiple times. And remember every time you take a new booster, now supposedly needed every 6 months, the roulette wheel for immediate problems is spun.

Saturday, September 10, 2022

The Angst of Life

 I decided to edit this out a bit, be careful blogging when you get too emotional. A friend of mine is sick and I have been very worried. I do sometimes ask where everything is going though. A lot doesn't make sense to me. I had husband take me out today so am in a better mood.

I'm busy with some projects. The zine is going well. It's at the 223 page mark and we have begun editing. I'm supposed to have an art show in the spring. I have to go paint today. There's a LOT of stuff to do. The art show is a big deal to me which will take a lot of effort, but I was given it based on work I had already show on Facebook. 

Healthwise things are not good. Going almost completely deaf has been psychologically hard. I know it has added to my isolation. The transcribe phone helps but I am now completely incapable of holding a conversation with people without it's support. I need $2000 dollar hearing aids I can't afford. We saved $800 bucks only to have both cars break down within the same week, and it went poof. I have a few hundred to my name right now that has to go to medical bills. How do I explain this to my ear doctor? I have to work on this problem too. The ear doctor told me point blank, "You will go completely deaf". I am scared, life is hard enough. I can't hear my husband talk anymore. It sucks. The transcribe phone is necessary to hear him with.

 My own health now requires seeing a multitude of specialists, the kidneys are still doing their thing. I have to collect pee on Monday or Tuesday and have husband drive it in to Fed Ex to do a test. I eat cottage cheese at every meal, it seems to hold off the calcium kidney stones. Medical stuff takes up so much of everyday. Figuring out how to pay my medical bills online will help my life. I had a small one I paid off yesterday. I have to remember to order insulin. My long time independent pharmacy closed and gave me two hours notice and told me they had sent my scripts over to a corporate pharmacy. I am annoyed, it is not the same as the personal service they gave me for 16 years. The owner seems to be another greedy man who "sold out". Why couldn't he have sold it to someone to keep it independent?

I'm diagnosed with CFS but there is constant guilt for always being late getting showered, cleaning stuff and wanting to sleep all the time.  My appetite is even down but I haven't lost weight. Vegetarian takes endless cooking.  Locally most of the vegetarian fare includes veggie burritos or falafel sandwiches. Sometimes I worry I will get a hankering for some ribs or pot roast, and go for a free for all and die of kidney stones. I haven't eaten a hamburger in 8 years. 

I'm supposed to see an endocrinologist next month. I need more testing. There could be parathyroid problems because of the two different kinds of kidney stones. I need genetic testing. I'm going to lay it out flat and tell her, "Look this obesity problem is beyond my solving". Most people if they removed a whole food group would lose something, I am only keeping it stable. I want 100 pounds off so I can have a chance of driving again though my husband thinks my legs are the main problem and says "You fit behind the wheel in the van, it's your legs!"  We don't have the money to install the hand controls on the wheel, it's thousands of dollars. I looked it up. There are sticks you can attach to pedals but you need to drive the wheel with one hand, with my giant legs there's no rooms to put the "sticks".  Those sticks cost around 200 dollars. 

I am so dependent on him, and worry what if he gets sick or something happens to him? He's older than me.  One wants to be able to help their spouse too if they get sick from the other side. They'll stuff me away in some nursing home and I'll be screwed. What if he can't drive? I have to fix this crap. We could get cheaper rent moving further out, but I'm too scared to live off the bus lines for obvious reasons. 

On Facebook, I belong to this obesity group for super-fats where they do weight loss stuff and go to gyms. How are they going to the gym with no mask being unafraid? I feel like a dummy watching normal people live like they all have figured out something I haven't. I asked one guy, "How do you not worry about Covid?" He didn't answer.

Maybe I am too OCD and autistic for this world. According to neurotypical edicts, I am to return to life without a mask, and just "stop worrying about it" and get my multiple cases of "Covid" because it's "mild" now. Maybe I need a therapist to help talk me into rejoining community life, disposing of the masks and taking on the risk. I don't know. Maybe they are the crazy ones who will all be dying if that Harvard2thebigHouse guy is right.  There's something not adding up to me there. If Omicron is so mild where no one has to wear a mask now, and it's "just a cold" why does everyone need an experimental vaxx against it? That makes no sense. That's something else that hurts my brain. Maybe I think too much. The "normies" can go with the flow. Someone like me is driven crazy. 

With the endocrinologist, I have to write out a complex health history and bring pictures. Some fat people do manage to get inpatient weight loss, I'm not sure how to make that happen though Covid is a problem. I even had thoughts maybe I would be more active at home anyway not in a hospital room all day.  Fasting is too hard for me. One part of the problem is hunger pain and reactions if I haven't had food in a certain period of time. I ate a vegetarian burrito at lunch, it was a big one so I only ate half and decided to save the other half for tomorrow. So that was around 1:00pm? I just had to eat a snack, because I felt that horrible fuzzy feeling I get and it's been only 5 hours. The snack was low calorie turkey--it's "light" enough not to make stones--half sandwich. The burrito had all sorts of veggies, rice and beans in it.

Whatever my problem is, I can't solve it. I know Lipedema stage 4 does bad things to people but I'm getting old and being this fat is not a good thing. I'm still 520. The hunger pain drives me nuts. There's symptoms of endocrine stuff, voice hoarseness, endless kidney stones, and more. The kidney doctor was concerned about some of my adrenal problems of 20 years ago. Something more is going on. Well I'll see what I can do. I have kept myself out of the hospital. 

I'm seeing a few people on Zoom. I feel weird that I haven't been back in person to my UU church in so long. I'm not sure how to explain it, so just have left it alone. I do feel uncomfortable about the Covid stuff with my church but then later I was thinking, you don't know how people are thinking in there now. You haven't been around! Some vaxxed people regret taking it. Others remained silent for obvious reasons, and sometimes I think there's a few who managed to avoid the subject. I worked on avoiding it, except for the few I told. To be fair, I'm not sure what is going on. They haven't shut off the Zoom at least yet. Some people are coming in from long distance. 

Medical topics are touchy subjects. I already wrote about my spiritual angst and regrets when it comes to religion.  I'm too off the spiritual ranch to go back to my old churches, I even went to go watch videos from my old IFB on Youtube. The pastor there is still an oily pompous used car salesman. I don't believe the same way. Their God is a cruel god of war. It was weird to do a look back.

 My husband likes our UU church a lot. He never was a fundamentalist Christian and went to church with me. I like a lot of stuff about the place but wish there were more who agreed with me about Covid, but suspect some stayed quiet too.  It's brought a chasm between me and some others. Ironically I went to a Unitarian Universalist message board, this one guy was complaining about all the "naturalist" types refusing the vaxx at his UU church. I wish we had some of those people in mine.

It's ironic to me, I failed in fundamentalism and evangelicalism because I didn't conform enough to the Republican politics and edicts about life and now sometime feel like it's happening on the "left" side of the equation. The "woke" stuff I don't agree with it anymore. They'll do a service on Climate Change and I will think "it's just the elites wanting to exploit resources for Agenda 21". If the billionaires cared about the environment, they would have community gardens on every corner instead of carbon taxes to oppress the poor with. There are times I do come out with things, and say, the other side fears encroachments on their rights, and this economic system is almost like a cage. Sometimes I agree with them on things. Where do us old school pro-union, anti-corporate, anti-war lefties fit anymore? The world on the right, I've already been there, is not a pleasant one for the disabled though I agree with some of the right about civil liberties and being against Covid mandates. There's got to be others like me where politics feels like a muddle. 

 By the way vegetarianism is not some great thing that can be applied to everyone. My husband came up on medical tests being too low on B12. He eats beef from restaurants and chicken at home with me sometimes, but he definitely needs more meat. I'm cooking the tofu for me and giving him more meat at meals now.  I was told by one doctor not to give up meat completely, because I am too anemic. I sometimes question the idea of everyone being vegetarian, there can be nutritional limitations with it. 

My few social contacts in this town are via my UU church and there's overlap with arts organizations I was part of or have Zoom contact with now. . I know just having Zoom contact, things feel weird a lot.  My last time in the building was in March of 2020. One thing I have asked about my life lately is "Why is community always taken from me?" Why is it so hard to keep?

 Ironically some people joined the church and left before I even met them in person. Others have noticed that I haven't come back in person and I can tell my "cowardice" is annoying people. Some people are really nice there and I still email them. My husband pointed out last night, "They always treated us far better." I said, "You are right, I still email several of them!" It feels like I am losing too many people even there. Some people have left or "disappeared" and I think ill health, economics and more has added more turmoil to life. 

I reconnected with an old church member on Facebook. I didn't get into religion with her. There are times I've had nostalgic thoughts about those times, life seemed more simple. I told some people on my exevangelical board, that sometimes one can question religious paths. I put up this meme, that talked about people wanting to figure out WHAT is true. Some people answered and pointed out autistics often are in that spot of wanting to know what exact truth is while normal people can go with the "nice" stories. I wrote back I know normal people don't study Gnosticism or wonder if Christianity ran off the tracks with the Council of Nicea. 

People here may remember but I and husband disagreed about staying here. I wanted to move back to my old small town for years. It is a battle I lost.  We stayed for the available medical care years ago. My old small town by the way has mostly rejected the Covid narrative. I know some got vaxxed there, but it's pretty conservative. Life here does have positives in that this place is wealthier, and that means some fancy things like nice restaurant, arts based organizations and more. Before Covid came, this place had become more of a "mecca" for things to do. It's still a smaller town, and is older, but there was no shortage of events. 

 This affluent community has always been harder for me. I am autistic and super-fat everywhere but I always felt it was harder to "fit in". Before Covid, I was changing things and the tide was turning finally where I felt like things were turning out, and had hope about where my life was going and well that's all been ruined. I feel left adrift. A friend of ours died in our small town, some months ago. I hope it wasn't from the vaxx though I wondered he had lived through so many problems but he was very elderly. He was the leader of the music and art co-op there. My husband wrote an essay to celebrate his life and I signed off on it. We didn't have money to travel to his funeral. It brought back those old times to us. 

Living so isolated has been hard for me. I am glad for the time I and husband have together but I've become a hermit except for the two friends. I asked some Facebook friends how they are living, and I think there's other people in this boat now too. I wonder about all the trauma of all this, and how it will impact society.

Medically things are getting very scary too where mobility and more are at risk. Sometimes I feel like I can move around a bit, but other days I get so stiff I can barely walk. With Covid, I get worried it will be forever and we will never have spontaneous life back where it will be in the back of everyone's mind everytime they do anything social. The worse thing for me, is there is no end to it all, no hope, just endless failed vaccines, and watching people die now. They still don't have treatments that work.

 If it's real and they never turn to treatments that work, things could get bad, especially if it gets more severe. It seems evidence leans towards it growing more mild, but who knows? I've seen all sorts of theories.  If it's a con, then the three years I lost shutting down my life except my marriage and seeing 2 friends once a month will piss me off beyond belief.  Others will be angry too.

The public health numbskulls just piss me off now. The FDA, CDC and rest should all be shut down. If I had energy and didn't have other projects to work on, I would consider writing and filing a federal lawsuit based on what has been done to disabled people like me. Where their "one size fits all" solutions was oppressive and where they pushed a failed experiment on people. I hope websites like "Died Suddenly" keep growing even to wake up the sleeping.

This "stuck" position is very hard. Where I cannot decide what to do. I feel so isolated. I feel like I'm not getting help and well my medical care is not the same anymore and that doesn't bode well for the future. I don't feel hope of anything getting better. 

 I feel trapped and that is the worse part of this. I need activity and the gym back, even to stay alive. I am being harmed by lack of people to talk to and communicate with in the real world but the loneliness of worrying about saying the wrong thing is not good. I don't want depression to come crawling back.   

A few times I did try to talk about in email with some other people about what is going on. But no one would talk. It was like they were afraid to. I don't show my full hand, I wrote things like, "Aren't you worried this isn't over with yet?" No one would respond. It got kind of weird. Maybe some think I am obsessed with Covid. I don't trust in the vaxxes and the health institutions like they do. Seeing so many people getting sick, does have me scared. Some people who question the Covid narrative, warned a long time ago, gear yourself up emotionally for what could happen and the losses to come. How on earth can a group with 250,000 people on it talking about all the deaths and severe disabilities they've seen be ignored? There is something happening and I don't know if it will ever come to light, but it seems the snowball is rolling down the hill and getting bigger.

Maybe I am a "coward" to still be wearing masks and "hiding out" but I have a history of some of my PTSD being related to medical crisis and almost dying from severe asthma attacks and infections. This is not a history that pushes one to "take chances".  Nothing makes sense where I am told I am evil not to take experimental vaxxes which in my case would kill me right off, but then I am supposed to just rejoin life, and get Covid over and over. I am tired of not being able to figure out if Covid is real or even still out there, or if everyone is just getting colds now labeled as Covid, with false PCR test positives.

 How am I supposed to know for sure? If this is a con job, the most diabolical Satanic minds are running it and I have intellectual limitations just like every other human being. However if real, their failures, are horrifying and their stupidity even more so. The vaxxes have "failed" and they aren't addressing it. The only conclusion I can come to is that the vaxxes are for 'ANOTHER PURPOSE' and you know I've linked to enough articles exposing what THAT could be. 

They aren't effective. Oh and let me throw this in, going back to my question, if Omicron is "just a cold", why a vaxx? And what about those who caught it anyway. The vaxxes have no protection from long term effects or possible "long covid".

Dealing with this for ACONs is not easy. You walk on from toxic relationships but then this happens, and relationships in general are in danger. I have noticed a theme on many message boards and elsewhere on line where people talk about the Covid divide and how it has split families, friends and communities in two.

People don't even realize or care that these powers that be, don't want us to have spontaneous or other social networks. It's like the book 1984 where Winston isn't allowed to have any romantic relationships and has to "sneak" having a girlfriend. People in that book don't have family ties, or friend ties or social ones. This is what I believe they want in this world and people better wake up. 

I think all the time about how I could fix this problem. How could I have community in my life without losing my soul? One reddit commenter mentioned "imaginary communities". He's on to something here. When I think back to the 2000s, we saw people as more whole individuals it wasn't just about what "team" you were on.

 I believe they were able to script reality itself according to fantasy and are still doing so with no reality testing that comes from REAL PEOPLE IN the REAL WORLD. That's a problem I obviously have isn't it? I see three people on a regular basis that's it now. Two friends about once a month and husband everyday.  I have no one to assess risk with now, except for very few. There's too many bots, and bullshit online to wade through. I never saw any of these Covid people to know how sick they were or weren't. There was no one to say to me, "Peep, I couldn't breathe". In fact I got far more feedback about the damages of the vaxxes. 

One thing I've noticed as a line between conservatives and liberals, is conservatives come from closer knit families, and small towns and rural areas, the ties are stronger. I wonder if this influences different views of the world. Their reality testing comes more from other people. I hope people see where I am coming from with this. Maybe one theme of my blog here is "disconnection", the disconnection from ACON abuse, and now the disconnection of modern society. 

One guy on a reddit board, responded to a post I made and I agreed with it. 

And I'm not saying our ancestors had lack of meaning in their lives. I think our Western society is a perversion of what is natural for how human beings used to live. Even up to about two decades ago, the vast majority of "communities" were real physical things, with physical connection, with real interaction between real people. Not any more. It's all imaginary. All these people now imagine the world and communities and friends they have. And it's driving them insane.

......everybody lives inside a social media reality bubble now, whether they actually use social media or not. They believe what they want to believe. They curate their own reality bubble. And what they want to believe is that the left is morally right and therefore correct. Reality must change to fit ideology. Like Lysenko planting crop seeds much too close together and then denying the ensuing failed crops and mass starvation ever happened. We the left are morally right. Reality supports that. Anything else is impossible. The end.

Where is reality anymore? I am not happy living in manufactured reality so disconnected. I am faced now with trying to make choices, not even really knowing what is going on and that is a problem when I am someone with so many health challenges. I never knew life could be this way. Sometimes I do wake up in shock that this is what life has become. Most people aren't living in reality anymore. What can one say to them? It's like the world is in a trance. Reality doesn't matter. You can tell the powers that be don't care about keeping things logical. They are manipulating reality to the point we don't know what is going on anymore and the disconnection helps them in that control. 

Friday, September 9, 2022

The Sickening


 Everyone seems to be getting sick and going to the hospital constantly. There's times I worry about almost all my friends dying off. Some of us as we have aged have already lost too many. One long time friend is really sick, and now has third stage kidney failure and broke her leg. She had started falling a lot since she got the vaxx and the latest fall smashed up her leg. This is a long distance friendship so I am worried and too far away as usual.

  Another friend is going to the hospital constantly for blood clots, I don't have all the details, but she said her leg had gone numb and she had to go into the ER. I'm chronically ill but everyone I know is going to the hospital a lot more than me. One thing scares me--what if they normalize all this ill health? They are working on it and too many baked brains have nodded along.  Already you see them normalizing "sudden adult death" syndrome. Give me a break!. People who still have critical thinking left, know what is causing it.

Check out the page "Died Suddenly" on Facebook. This board has now grown to almost 250,000 people and is rapidly growing every day. Read the stories there, there's horrible cancers spreading like wildfire, endless cases of myocarditis, autoimmune disorders, strokes and heart attacks. Some people report knowing several coworkers, family members and friends who died. Many are heartbroken. People need to start suing bosses, companies and other organizations who are mandating this poison. 

These are real people, you can look at the profiles and figure out who is fake or not. It will shock me forever how they managed to cover all this up. I still see people making excuses trying to claim it's rare. Bullshit! You don't get nearly a quarter million people talking about all the people who have died or gotten sick if nothing is happening. Sometimes I get so angry, I feel like punching a wall. Why hasn't the dam broken yet? Surely it's time but it never happens. There's too many drooling zombies. I try not to think about the kids, they've given it, to keep myself from crying. Speaking of the kids, the UK took the shots off the market for kids 11 and under, because they are supposed to mess up a boy's developing. They are still being given in the USA.

How can these people even ones fully barricaded from alternative news read about celebs who have new "rare diseases", who have cancelled tours, and so  many deaths and think nothing is going on? Seriously what's wrong with these people?

 I gave my list of the people sickened by the vaxx who I know on this article. Why is this acceptable? Sometimes it feels like the world has gone mad. Then I see friends on social media writing next to happy balloons, "Yeah I got my Omnicron booster today!". Oh you mean the one they tested on only 8 mice with and didn't even bother with human trials? Anyone with half a brain knows the vaxxes have failed for what they were promised but they keeping pushing them and people keep lining up, even a few I know who had Covid 3 and 4 times. 

Sometimes I fear the spike proteins and/or graphene being shed are harming me. It seems every time I am out in public, I feel fatigued and my Meniere's goes nuts. My Meniere's was stable for years and years before the last year, and the ringing never ends. There was a gradual hearing loss, but it was slow. Now the last of the hearing is being wiped away and it scares me. There's no help out there. There's no one to talk to. I probably should have been in a hospital or rehab for some health problems I am suffering from now, but they screwed the world over with Covid and clot shots.  Someone like me is forgotten about. Fortunately I can still get the basics, and some specialists have helped keep me alive but if you think health care is anywhere it used to be, don't kid yourself. I'm petrified. My body has been swelling up worse. A friend of mine went into a hospital in a big city, the one with the numb leg along with some chest pain, and was kept there waiting from 9pm to 4:30am. I think she left and went to a small hospital closer to home. She already is wheelchair bound so probably thought it was best to leave. 

And who is there to talk to about my angst in rejoining society? Some friends believe it's a hoax but understand my risks are higher to just say screw it and return to normal. The others would tell me I am a dirty unvaxxed who deserves what I get. Three years of this and I am pissed. I wish I had money and energy to sue some of the monsters. If I am ever denied services, or participation in something due to my status, I already planned to do this. I fortunately live in a "red" area, where the state is more purple but it's Republican dominated and maybe this is a good thing as I wasn't banned from restaurants like people were in Chicago. 

 I do think if I had signed up for the depopulation program, that my hearing would have been wiped away completely to stone cold deafness and would have died. Some believe that the shots are just poison and graphene/nano and don't have spike proteins and that mRNA is a con. I don't know, but whatever is in it is harming too many people I know. 

Socially outside of a few friends and time with my husband things just died away. I have no community life left.  The isolation is extreme with no end in sight. I have had discussions about "where to go" [even staying within the same county or region] because I don't see much of a future here. I need to be around people who don't support this.

 It's heartbreaking because I do have many people I care about who fell for all this and don't see through it. I kept peace but it formed a chasm between us. Sadly 95% of my UU vaxxed up and don't even know one person in there who feels the way I do. I'm too cut off to know if any are waking up or not. Some definitely have not.

 Husband says I need to prioritize health care and the half a dozen specialists I see and moving away from that kind of medical care is not a good idea. There's a lot more medical resources in richer areas. We visited one regional small town I have an artist friend in, and it's more than obvious, the very small towns are suffering and sliding into the economic abyss. There's still some art programs there and other things I am associated with, but there was so many closed businesses, it was scary. I don't really want to move anyway. I just want to have a life back. 

I worry about my transcribing phone failing out in the country anyway. He has work here too so I just drop it. I sometimes get in weird conversations when I'm out in our surrounding rural areas. They see through the bullshit and talking to people like that is a relief. It reminds me of my former small town. 

 I understand but I wonder if my life is just going to grow more isolated outside of the 2-3 friends.  It's made me nostalgic for other times and places and sad about "how life turned out". I don't think any of this would have happened if society hadn't been taken over by status obsessed narcissists. People used to be more discerning and not such blind followers.

I do see a few groups and locals on Zoom but it's not the same. I feel "stuck" not sure if I should rejoin community life or not. My husband wants me to wait. The pressures are worse on someone like me who is already on a daily nebulizer. Some days I think I'm the smart one avoiding the long term effects of a "novel virus" and other days I think I'm the dumb one who could be a "sucker" for the "plandemic". Maybe medical PTSD from my past made me a coward. I'm feeling my age now too. Even with bad disabilities I always felt like a more youthful person but once I got well into the 50s, that changed.

My health has not been in good shape lately and I still worry about what to do. I can't get any straight answers. Some people around me believe Covid is over. Some believe it was a hoax--and I wrote about that too earlier, my evidence for and against that. I never could make my mind up. It drove me crazy. So I've been in this weird holding pattern. Some have bordered on being frustrated with me that I'm not going anywhere.  I turned down eating in a restaurant with one friend some weeks ago. Just felt too afraid too. If they didn't fool me about the clot shots, maybe the powers that be wiggled in my brain anyway.

Inside I do have negative feelings I can't help about people able to live their lives with on worries given this angst. This feels like lost time to me and I'm getting old and all these years are being frittered away where I should be having some good memories. At least there's time I enjoy with my husband and the few friends. I see some chronically ill disabled people like me expressing some of the same thoughts on various social media. What are people like us supposed to do? The healthy take on the gamble of repeated cases of "Covid", but what if we don't feel like gambling? Even then I still worry about the long term effects and what about those macque monkeys who got Lewy bodies in their brains from Covid. Who is lying? Whose not? I don't know. They ruined our lives. 

I told off some guy on Twitter today, think he was some public health sort from Canada. He wanted me to talk to some pro-vaxx consortium, I said "I'll ask them why they keep pushing a failed product. And deal directly with their blind spots and credentialism that keep them doubling down on what has failed!" There's time I don't hold back. I'm tired of the BS. He blocked me. I'm tired of the pompous, overstuffed simpering "experts" like this. In real life, I continue going along to get along, avoiding this topic, staying friendly with the mostly vaxxed people who believe in all this, but their illogic frustrates me constantly. 

By the way my past fundamentalist preachers were right about Canada being more "godless", they are pushing disabled people in Canada now into doing MAID [basically euthansia]to save the state money. There's one disabled man with a Twitter account who is considering MAID. He's got a bad back and is in a wheelchair but seems healthier than me, which gives me some strange feelings. I've noticed Canada is even more vaxx oppressive and draconian in their Covid crack-downs. I consider the place a hell-hole now considering what they are doing to their disabled. I wrote him and told him not to help the eugenicists. 

I've noticed people just disappearing still. Maybe people are checking out. Maybe they are bugging out or running away to rural areas. With good health they have more capability to go off the grid.  People have dropped out of groups and more. The social fabric has unraveled even more so.

Lately, outside of my arts based and online based autistic groups, I do think why bother? I'll never feel right hanging out in a room of vaxxed up people. I keep thinking, "Why do they find all of this madness acceptable?" I'm the kind of personality where I worry one day I will get fed up, and start shouting at some of them as people around me get sick.  However I and husband were talking the other day [have to do it with transcription constantly I am so deaf] and we said "Whatever happened to so and so?" Another person disappeared for a year from a group we are in. People are no longer showing up. Probably some have lost heart. I feel like trying to replicate some former experiences on Zoom is now a waste of time in the never ending pandemic. It's like I'm clinging on to a former life that no longer exists.

The worse thing about all this? Outside of very awake few friends, there's no talking about anything. The rest don't seem to care about the constant waves of illness or negative changes to our lives. 

There's some places I may be taking a break from. I get depressed too hearing about people's vacations  and having lives. Life became so family based which sucks for those without families. It's like dead small talk, the world is burning and you want to tell me about your trip to Italy while genocide is going on?

The art and writing groups and anything that is activity based are far better. Art and writing are good escapes. 

How are people around you doing? Are you noticing extreme illness or anything I have? Did you go rejoin regular life? Are you stuck in a holding pattern? Are you scared of losing friends like me? I do still dread what is coming. 

I wish....

 I used to be into reading about the British royal family. I read every book on them. It got to the point where there was nothing new to learn about them. Diana's death was suspicious. Most of them are over-pampered degenerates. Don't get too excited about King Charles III, he supports the WEF and all those agendas. 

Saturday, August 6, 2022

The Trouble With God and Religion

 from suffering is my hobby...

This picture sums up why I deconverted and how. God stopped being a friend and just became this big jerk in the sky who seemed to enjoy hurting me. It got it's jollies torturing me. As I have written, I worry that we are now in the apocalypse.  All of that doesn't make me feel happier towards God, just that more suffering will come and for too many people. God will blow up the planet, and let us all have endless plagues unleashed upon us. My studies of Revelation lasted for years. All the worse conspiracies and bible prophecies I studied all seem to be COMING TRUE. 

I wonder how many deconverted from Christianity because we were told essentially "If you always pray to God and have faith, God will make your life easier and better and He will help you!" For many of us things didn't pan out that way. There is this one legitimately NICE woman I went to high school with. I'm friends with her on Facebook. It is sometimes weird to see how the lives of my classmates turned out. My disabilities are pretty severe but my life is nowhere like theirs.

 She always treated me well with my autism/weight even when we were in high school. She became a United Methodist pastor. She believes in God and Jesus. She's had a good life and had several kids and grandchildren today. She is financially well-off and close with her family from childhood and her children. I like her and always have. She posts things on her wall that she is "blessed" and she is right. I am thankful I have a husband and food/apartment etc, but this was a world I never could relate too.

 She sees the world as a "nice" and "happy place. Why wouldn't she? God definitely seems to care about her.  In this case, she is not evil or a narcissist and she is nice to the down and out. Maybe God has blessed her with a nice life and she will go to heaven. When I became a fundamentalist years ago, I know it was because I wanted to "fix" my life and get things sorted out. I sincerely wanted to do what "was right" Would Christianity had worked out for me, if I didn't have so many bad things happen and so many losses? Would I still be a Christian if I had stayed in my old rural town? Maybe I would have. God let me down on so many levels, it's hard to explain. 

Sometimes I have wondered why some people get such hard lives and some good lives. This lady has happiness, wealth, good marriage, family, and more. Perhaps she is one of God's chosen. Remember this is not someone I bear ill will towards. She is kind to me. Now let's take someone with a crummy life, and I am not talking about me, but I've known people who have far HARDER lives then me.

Yes I am the "forever victim" to some internet snobs, but there's people who had a far harder path. If you look at some third world countries with lack of access to clean water or food or those living through active combat, their lives suck beyond measure. Some of the people who had worse lives than me had health issues as bad as me, but died far younger and had no support whatsoever, there was no spouse in their case. Severe stage Lipedema has taken people I know. Some of them ended up in poverty or died at ages younger than me like two online friends.

It's horrible to contemplate how God plays favorites. The worse thing about traditional Christianity is how they never had good answers for suffering, it was always "your fault" or "your sin" or "you lacked faith". In my case, the promises of healing were given if I strengthened my faith or was "delivered". Some of the coldness I see now worries me on the right, where they chastise people for feeling afraid. Why wouldn't people be afraid as society seems to be collapsing and they are threatened with plagues whether you believe those plagues are real viruses or not.

Sometimes my thoughts ponder "things not turning out". My life was one trying to jump through all these hoops and being told I was not good enough. Getting old with massive regrets sucks. The only thing it seems that didn't go bad was marriage. His life hasn't been easy and he deserved a lot better too. My happy high school mate, isn't burdened with regrets. She's working on a vacation home, and volunteering at a homeless shelter. The world to her even with Covid remains a pleasant place. 

The religionists often copied the messages of my parents.  I remember how excited and eager I was getting circa 2016 and on, about taking my life in a new direction and it seemed doors were finally opening  and maybe I would feel the place of belonging I once had in my old community and have some direction and new happiness. There was hope, joy and light. Then Covid came. 

Speaking of this stuff, I got one worry going through my head, how come all these people I try to help always end up worse off? My prayers for others never worked either. Everyone who got cancer died. I have tried to explain to Christians on my way out the door, how this hurt. 

 There's now this other woman who hates my guts who I tried to help. She just cut me off. My other autistic friends say neurotypicals often misunderstand people with autism and they had neurotypicals cut them off for the same reason. My husband thinks these people just use me as an emotional trashcan and dump me when things don't go their way.  My help was sincere. I never had money or things to give them but would try to come up with ideas However I did start to ask how come so many people I cared about [well I found a few false friendships in that mix] have everything default to the bad? It's this kind of stuff I really wonder about. Why couldn't their cancer be healed? Why couldn't they get help to come out of poverty? Why did it go so wrong? My one friend who died last year had a very hard life including time in homelessness, and she died so young. 

Why do so many negative events happen in this world? When I deconverted I thought "Oh I must return to rationality" but one thing I realized is our leaders really truly are evil. Millions have died and if warnings about the clot shots come true there will be many more millions. 

Humanity does have a psychopath problem. There's a feeling in this life of being trapped like GroundHog Day. The same bad stuff happens. I barely stay afloat. I'm chopping celery at 10pm to make a "healthy dinner" because I fell asleep. We are low on money again, and I'm figuring out how 30 dollars will feed us for three days in the early hours. My ears are ringing like crazy today. I do ask "Why are things so hard?"

 I feel overwhelmed often. Maybe this is autism and some lacks on my part via problems like ADHD, deafness, severe medical problems. However it does seem to be even beyond my failings. So many bad things seem to happen, and I do recognize the good but there's a point in life where you feel like you will fall into the sand trap constantly. I get the feeling that those who feel "blessed by God" seem to have very different lives. Many of us arrive at the point where we feel like God is just another being that wants to hurt us over and over.  Of course Christians will say that's Satan doing those things but where's God? Where's the intervention?

Traditional Christianity basically failed for me, because it didn't have an workable explanation for human suffering and my own. I saw too many suffer horribly and not things that worked out for any good end either.  I remember being upset about all those kids starving in third world countries and asking a pastor or two why God allowed this to happen. Whenever I talked to pastors and others, the underlying message was always "It's your fault" and it boiled down to bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. One pastor told me regarding the third world countries, "Its because they worship demons." Now that sounded messed up. Now some would claim Christianity has been messed up by the prosperity gospel in general but that message was all over Christianity. "God will help and protect you." When those promises fail, so wonder people leave.

Even for years after I left, while I still like Jesus and His teachings, Matthew 24 seems to be in full swing now too, in the dark of night, I would wonder, "Why didn't God love me or my friends? Why did He allow so many lives to come to total ruination? Why did He let my small town be destroyed and uproot my life there? Why am I now in my old age in a dystopian? Why is He allowing these oldsters to destroy the earth and millions of people? Why aren't I allowed to be happy?"

Lately I've been studying Gnosticism. I am not a Gnostic just studying these things as "theories". At this point in life with religion I don't think I am ever going to arrive at any final answer especially when I made the fundamentalist error of thinking I had it all in the bag. So it's religious theories. More and more I think truths are scattered among alot of lies. The powers that be use religion for control but there's truths about the golden rule and perhaps some about cosmology.

It sometimes has concepts that are hard to wrap ones mind around but they do see the God of this earth as "evil" and harmful, the Demiurge wants to make us suffer and created the flood and other life troubles. The God of the Old Testament in their lexicon is a different figure than the Creator God that Jesus Christ followed. Some are Gnostic Christians who believe the messages of Jesus were skewed, I believe along that way a bit believing that the blood sacrifices and whole death focus was added in later. Others are not Christians.

They believe this world is a place of suffering, a "prison planet" ruled by archons who feed off "loosh" or human suffering. At least they admit this world is a vale of tears unlike modern day Christians who focus on how blessed they are. I had this weird thought as society has disintegrated and the world we see in old movies with loving families and connection disappates, why wouldn't more people believe this way? Something is very wrong here. Can "I'm a blessed Christian"/prosperity theologies last in a dystopian world? It makes me wonder where religion will head in the future. In times of crises people usually do turn to religion. I can see the present day prosperity evangelicalism falling maybe to be replaced by something else.

 I sometimes see the constant stress on self-improvement to be a matrix trap, the monied, the thin, the normals do well in this life but many do not anymore. I agree one does not want to keep walking down the sidewalk falling down in the same holes. Some of us the very lack of money is a trap in itself. I don't feel there was always that many options if that makes sense. Like the net was closed. I've come out of severe poverty acouple times or made moves to new places that worked out. Once I saved self from homelessness doing an extreme move, but it's like a life of being chased. You don't succeed you merely survive. I don't feel as much control over it as they tell me I should have. Usually it's me outrunning some form of a threat related to an unpaid bill or medical problem. LOL

 My family used to call me a failure but they helped to set it up that way. God just became another finger wagger pointing out my faults. A time in life came where I needed a nice God who would comfort me and that wasn't being found in fundamentalist Christianity. Jesus always seemed nicer to me but the cruelty of God was strewn throughout the Bible especially in the Old Testament. This is where I came to my beliefs about hell.

The message in our society is the people with the good lives are much more deserving. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could watch a day to day life of one to see how they pull it off, but maybe they are so busy, I would pass out trying to be them. They all do seem to have confidence and families that love them and a sense of belonging, I do not relate to. Their brains work with focus and purpose, they do not worry. Some seem better off not thinking about things too deeply and maybe their superficiality gives them an edge. They aren't troubled about new world order or matrix and God is this nice guy in the sky who loves them. They aren't a weirdo fat autistic who thinks about things too much, they get things done. I'm over 50 years old so have to accept, that I am not like these normal people.

Did they all make the choices that brought them these lives or was it a spin of the dial and beneveolent spirits or deities around them like this lady believes God to be to her. Wouldn't believe in God as loving come more naturally if you've had a good life and feel like things will work out? Wouldn't it impact your religious beliefs. 

I'm in a strange period now, I feel like science and liberalism have failed me utterly. I knew they had limits but with science being used to harm and basically some of the warnings about transhumanism I learned in fundamentalism coming true, it's disturbing beyond belief. The human genome is being invaded by the mRNA. When I was a Christian, I went deep into Revelation, and Revelation 13, when you know how to translate the Greek plainly says that "Pharmakeia" will fool the entire world. What's going down now? Let me give you an example of my fundamentalist reading material circa 2009.

Read this and ask yourself does any of this sound familiar now?

"I warn of a day when true humans may unknowingly receive transhuman instructions via an implant or injection. A seemingly innocuous vaccine or identification ‘chip’ can initiate intracellular changes, not only in somatic or ‘body’ cells but also in germline cells such as ova and sperm. The former alters the recipient only; the latter alters the recipient’s doomed descendents as well.”

Remember this was written in 2009, I used to read this guy's stuff all the time and read it years ago. I used to write about transhumanism on my old conspiracy/bible prophecy blog. I even knew about CRISPR and all that. 

I probably am not a agnostic anymore but believe in a Creator God though obviously I don't want any return to the domination and authoritarianism in Christian evangelicalism and fundamentalism. Hell still seems very wrong to me. That's the Universalist side.  I still see goodness in the teachings of Jesus and some of the Bible. I envy those with strong faith that does comfort them.  I'm hanging out with Christians online on some issues of the day. The world definitely is in some huge battle between good and evil now, that's a given. The failure of the liberal world to stand for freedom was a wake up call but even then I still see the dangers of the right wing world. DeVos, Thiel, and the Dominionists aren't our pals either. 

Oh if you are one of those people who think MAGA is going to save the day, and ignoring how Trump was behind Operation Warp Speed, don't get too excited. Tucker Carlson and the rest don't care either. The right wing still supports the same technocracy matrix they are now building the bars for. Take a look at this company owned by Peter Thiel and what it plans to do. Google Palantir. One page talks about vaccine compliance with employers. They plan more of this stuff. I talked about this in the last article too.

There's people in other religions realizing the evil of what is happening too. I have found that to be interesting. There's New Age and other websites warning about the spiritual harm being done via Covid vaxxes and more. Lately I do wonder if Jesus really did warn us all of what was coming. I don't want back in the fundamentalist and evangelical cage, but one chapter in the Bible I think of all the time is Matthew 24. Lately I do remember a lot of my old Bible studies and there's too much happening now not to think of some of that stuff. 

I think about this religion, and I am ex-Catholic as well, and how it operates on the DOMINATION level. Everything is about conformity and making you submit. And you are not allowed to have thoughts that question anything. Even your own thoughts can be a "sin" like "mind control" and that bothers me too. Maybe I am too autistic to do religion well. There seems to be a demanded conformity. Even at the UU church, I have to be careful. It sucks how I have lost the ability to be authentic there, given my different views on Covid, transhumanism, and technology. I did that one speech on technology but my world view is so different. They'd probably flip their lids if I told them what I thought about bible prophecy. They would probably double flip their lids, if they knew I was watching videos on bible prophecy and scripture. I have been kind of troubled by all the spiritual underpinnings of Covid, the lack of truth, the lies, people's embracing of what is illogical and based on delusion. When I boil things down, I think humans should honor what is true [also what is good] that's being lost in this Covid mess. 

I told one guy online, 

"And you are right I don't agree with a lot of Christianity. A lot of it was spiritual and psychologically abusive and spiritually another prison. I still like Jesus a lot and his messages but believe everything was SKEWED to the max by the priests, religions and powers that be. Everything is focused on DOMINATION and SIN and HELLFIRE now."

Religion is a prison for humanity. I think the prison planet people got that piece right.I think Christianity [not teachings of Jesus] got scripted for domination and control, it's multilayered."

I wrote this to someone else on a message board too. 

"I think religion got skewed making everything about evil sins and God being turned into an abusive parent who is ready to whip everyone's butts with a big belt and then throw you into eternal flame--would be considered a sociopath/serial killer if it was a human in the real world. This is a messed up view. I don't think this is what Jesus intended. Guess that's the Universalist in me speaking. As for creating my own God, due to my own conscience, I can only worship one that is about love and compassion, and cares about human beings. Human beings love revenge, hell is about human desire for revenge.

 I have no problem with a God of love protecting the innocent from the wicked, etc, but even the idea that God cannot change the wicked is kind of messed up. Human prisons are more merciful [in western nations] then sending someone to burn forever in hell. With spiritual abuse and more, and what I see among deconverts, Christianity has a massive problem, the coldness, authoritarianism, cruelty, etc, is showing itself especially among evangelical and fundamentalist circles. "

All that said, running to the world of liberalism, and secularism, that has provided no foundation of truth. All our institutions have gone to levels of never dreamed of corruption. I can't believe what I see people accepting, believing and embracing. Maybe my religious past as a Christian fundamentalist applies to today. Maybe I can't fully erase some of what I used to believe. I probably will remain a religious outliner for life, I even remained in the UU by default, since I am technically a Universalist and see some truth in other religions [not all] but obviously I've been on some different roads.

 I figure God can deal with me the best way He can. He will know what I went through. The threats of hell, teachings that you deserve everything bad that happens to you, etc, are harmful to human race. Until humanity grows up beyond seeing God as their revenge maker and abusive parent, we are probably doomed for worse. Even all those elites who desire so much power and money, are trained in a system that is all about domination, winning and who has the MOST POWER. Be careful of the view of God they want everyone to have.

I still don't know why God allowed so many bad things to happen. Trying to figure that out will just keep a person going in circles. 

 I analyzed my bad choices in life, but a lot seems wrapped around sheer illness or brain functioning problems and fatigue. I don't feel like I chose some outcomes. I did do marriage right but I worry about his suffering too in this world. 

This world doesn't make any sense to me anymore. Maybe I am in the middle of another spiritual crisis. There's got to be others like me out there knowing something is really wrong and realizing how hard it is to grasp the language to describe it. We are in a battle of good and evil. Everyday I wake up hoping there is a good Creator God out there who will make it all right. Maybe that's something I never lost belief in. 

Love and Truth Waxing Cold in the Days of Covid


Hmm interesting cartoon.  Maybe the answer is to leave the internet and "regular world".  Some of us don't have the physique and means for that escape but it sounds like the best option. Consider it if you have the health and resources. Where's the best place to go during full societal collapse? I'm screwed anyhow since I depend on this complex lung medicine to stay alive and many others.

I worry the internet is forming our reality. When you only get to talk to a few people, how is one supposed to know what is going on? In the past talking to people and personal observation came first.

My husband depends on the internet for employment so won't be shutting it off. I grieve however over the loss of having a "real life". This cartoon does add to my feelings of wanting to sell everything off and running away to the most remote, down home, backwoods area I can find in the USA or my county. I need all these medical specialists/air conditioning/bus so moving is not in the cards. Oh I wanted to return to my old town years ago of course. At least more rural people seem to talk a little bit about what is really going on. Maybe some do in the inner city too. When we do go out, I feel better in more rural areas. Fortunately I live in a county with plenty of boonies. There's even a few little towns really in the middle of nowhere here.

Maybe it's time to just sit back and watch the show. There's nothing more we can do. Those who warn just appear "crazy" to the normals. So it's a waste of time trying to be the Covid Whisperer. I was wise to keep my mouth shut in real life after I tried to talk to a few people and got very bad results. You can't keep people from destroying themselves, a lesson I learned long ago. People are absolutely clueless about medical things. 

It's scary to me how repressed so many people are now. No one is admitting any emotions about what is going down. I do not relate to the normals at all. I smile on Zooms, they all have lives, I don't. How are their buckets of money so bottomless to take endless vacations? Did everyone as poor as me just sink below the waves? I don't see many people in real life so most of my social masks are for Zoom. I'm in shock the streets aren't full of the new homeless but maybe they moved in with relatives or are hiding out in the woods. 

I considered going out and protesting the madness, but no one wants a target on their back. The local Covid questioner group banned me for being in the UU church, and being a "known liberal".  They only focused on the school boards and getting pro-maskers out. Sometimes I wonder if they are funded by extreme right wing people too. They had a MAGA rally this week. It's probably good I didn't get with that group either.

Remember my predictions about the USA turning ultra right wing?

My voting ballot scared the hell out of me by the way. We had liberals who only talked about gay rights and supported all the Covid madness, but then when I looked at all the Republican candidates on the primary ballot, it was all fundamentalist preachers, Liberty University people [my state is not in the South BTW], and those who want to make abortion illegal.

I hate abortion but these types want abortion illegal even in cases of rape, incest and would be death of the mother. One guy was a New Ager of some sort but at least 4 of the candidates were full blown Dominionists. It was troubling to realize all these people were against the Covid vaxx mandates like me and some of the other craziness, so I liked that about them but they brought other horrendous baggage.

If you think Tucker Carlson, Trump and the rest are going to save the day....think again. Go research who Peter Thiel is and what the company Palantir is about. Google Palantir, go see the page that wants to manage "vaccine compliance" for employers. I dare say they aren't going to give up trying to shove mRNA down everyone's throats. It doesn't work and they don't care. When I was into conspiracy I learned long ago, they use both sides against the middle. The right supports the technocratic prison cell they are building too. They very easily could scrap the failed vaxxes and push a new one full of mRNA they claim will "work".

We under a huge psychological operation, most people are asleep and don't see it. Even having endless people get sick and fall down dead and vaxxed people getting Covid isn't waking people up. I may as well show you all my Covid vaxx harm list. Why not? I wrote it all out.

My list of people I personally know harmed by the Covid vaxxes.

50s, male clot in leg, survived has had Covid in his household at least 3 times. Leg clot was right after being vaxxed.

50s. male, right after vaxx, got multiple blood clots in lungs almost died.

40 something, 2 females, both complained of extreme fatigue and never feeling the same again. Refused all boosters.

50s male, constant bouts of tachycardia after vaxx, hospitalized multiple times. Later got Covid when at hospital.

30s female, seizures, moments of aphasia, doctors haven't diagnosed her yet, used to be healthy. Doesn't connect seizures to vaxx but came up right after being vaxxed.

50s female, seizures right after vaxx, I think they have or had cancer now too. Never had seizures before.

2 females 30s, I wrote and warned them but they still take vaxxes, neuropathy in legs, I suppose it was short term, tingling and nerve problems. Oddly both got it right on day of being vaxxed the first time.

female 70s in bed for weeks after first vaxx, considered it "worth it" but was made ill enough to go to hospital at this time.

female 70s, had to go to hospital right after vaxx, various symptoms, was healthy except for a few problems, third stage kidney failure a short time after the vaxx.

female 50s, stage 4 cancer--from Covid lock downs, now deceased. She was given 2-4 years to live, took vaxx, they pushed it on her, [close friend of mine so this was horrible] she died within a few months.

female 70s, blindness, she does have other health problems but she started going blind.

Multiple people who said they were in bed with flu like symptoms [sounded as bad as Covid itself would be] for 1-2 weeks after various vaxxes. Online friend is now sick from fourth booster. Of course they all say "it's worth it." A few of these people DID go to the hospital for the bad symptoms.

I know at least 15 fully vaxxed people who all got Covid. The vaxxes have failed. At least 6 had hospital level Covid with pneumonia. The garbage doesn't work.

See anyone waking up? Maybe some are muttering finally. If you know please write about it here. Add your own list in the comments, lets compare. 

The rate of Covid cases are rising.  I don't know if this is fake PCR or Covid or what or them all getting false positives from colds and their destroyed immune systems, has risen fast. This is to the point that in four groups I am associated with at least 6-15 have gotten Covid in the last two months. I know of a business where everyone got it, husbands, entire families etc. It's the beginning of August not exactly cold and flu season right?

It's the elephant in the room no one can talk about. I went silent. Have some tell you that you are "crazy" for saying the emperor has no clothes and you realize for safety's sake you need to shut up. It would be the same if it was 1935 and everyone was saluting the guy with the funny mustache and you knew he was an asshole, but didn't want to end up in a camp. The less that know my "status", the better off I am. However I am at the place where I look at this in amazement and think what is wrong with these people? 

 The fact the clot shots are obviously ineffectual and have done untold harm to people is being ignored. Here's a website where they compiled all the research studies of bad effects from the Covid vaxxes. These health problems are all severe and life changing but still the lemmings go flying over the cliff. What can I say to people where the damage is already done? What can I say to the ones still lining up for their fourth booster? 

Others speak the truth about how the system is collapsing and rotten to the core, but most just follow and don't care. For some reason it all doesn't seem to touch them. 

I may not talk about Covid anymore online.  I will here but in most places the censors and astroturfers are out in full force. They do come after you.  It's not worth the battles. Twitter is good for gathering information but if you step outside your bubble, then the hammer falls. Any posts outside the "norm" they crack down on so you just end up preaching the choir. The majority are not interested in the truth. I have to save my energy for myself now. My health is in a decline and I'm tired a lot. 

It's not good that my reality is mostly online now. I get a few snippets of conversation here and there, with a few awake local friends--the extreme exception and oddly a few country people who I can talk a little with. One told me the other day, "It's these people who have taken the boosters, who keep getting sick over and over".

Since I wrote Is it Okay to Get Covid Over and Over?, more people got it.  They announce Covid cases in one group I'm in and it's constant. That's the world now, where the expectation now is just to go live your life and get a bout of Covid about once every 4-6 weeks. The people I know are getting sick constantly over and over. Part of me even wonders if Covid has kicked some weird fight or flight in their brains, they are going on endless vacations and passing it among themselves. This one family I know is on at least their third bout if not the fourth and its spread through the whole household. They are all vaxxed up, but getting some kind of constant intermittant illness with serious symptoms. Maybe all these people just see it as a cold, and not a "big deal" but at this point I don't know what to think.

Some scientists have warned mild Covid can do long term damage. The vaxxes don't stop any of this process by the way. This post of mine on a message board brought out the astroturfers in full froth:

"Some are theorizing that Covid causes long term damage to the human brain. That even a mild case will do it. Until I know for certain what is going on, I have decided to err on the side of caution for now and still wear N95. I probably don't have many years left in my case, am sick, but I've lived many years longer than predicted and going for as many as I can. Lipedema changes trajectory because it's not same as regular obesity. One thing I am noticing in some circles, they are predicting devestating neurological disorders from even MILD Covid. These are dissenting scientists who HATE the vaxxes by the way. I have wondered about this, the elite want a weakened population both mentally and genetically, and they want many of us dead.

So they tell me on the right wing, there's no virus, go live life, don't worry, I am sick of all these people who tell me not to be afraid because I am unsure what is going on. Yeah great for healthy young you, but hey you may be gambling and losing too. As people here know I used to be deep into conspiracy and believe they lie to all sides. Tucker Carlson and others are owned assets IMO, so when they tell you there's no virus, time to examine things.

The vaxxed up left Covid disciples are basically killing themselves with each shot of clot shot juice.

But you think they will leave those on the right who question all this unscathed?

I doubt it.

This doctor got banned from Twitter posting this, there's several dissenting scientists I saw banned for warning about brain injury from mild Covid

Some have theorized that China knows which is why their lock downs have been so severe, that even mild cases of Covid will cause long term brain injury.

There's other things here where they say it destroys the immune system long term inducing AIDS.

I believe spike protein is poison in both virus and vaxx.

So maybe I'm wrong and Covid is a complete hoax, but I don't think the elite are that merciful.

China seems to know something we don't.

This I believe is why they have told the vaxxed to keep getting Covid over and over and why the right wing owned types say it's all a hoax, nothing to worry about. {Everyone is full of spike proteins as much as possible}

In conspiracy they always lied to both sides against the middle. That always happened almost on every issue.

Some people don't want to face how bad everything is and to what depth they have destroyed our world.

This is all theories, but they banned all the scientists warning of this stuff like crazy, like full and total shut downs on every social media and other outlets. {I was reading their posts on Twitter and elsewhere}

Let me boil this down to one sentence, if Covid is so bad, and they locked down our world in 2020 for this, why are they having Vaxxed people get it over and over and why are these people unconcerned?

Now the hoax people believe the vaxxed people are all just getting colds and the PCR is BS. However even with this theory I asked a few of the vaxxed about their symptoms. Their diminished immune systems causing all this may be a given but when someone I know complains of brain fog from a "illness" that makes it hard for them to think or write, that's something beyond a "cold" isn't it? Some could theorize the vaxx did this to them, but they had otherwise normal weeks leading up to the "new illness". 

 Maybe the vaxxed are all getting sick with something else given their affected immune system but how can we know for sure? Some of the symptoms seem intermittent, coming and going. No one seems to realize how psychotic all this is. I'm on the spectrum. I'm not Spock but I expect a little logic out there and now there's none.

There's all these scientific studies too, about how mild Covid can mess a person up. I don't know if these scientists are all liars, but it seems people would have a few worries about this but I guess not.

We both personally have felt the pressure to 're-enter' society and to stop hiding out. Yes there has been some damaged relationships from this. As I wrote in the last article, I'm like a person who moved away. Some close friends do believe Covid is a hoax and I respect that, they know I am actively examining things, we agree on most but not that one issue. I can deal with that. They haven't pressured me. 

However there's many people now who see hiding out people like me to be "hypochondriacs".  Some have gotten angry, hurt and upset about our fears of catching Covid. With one friend, I can't tell him I fear the shedding, how would they not take that as personal insult?

 I had a strange meeting with one fully vaxxed friend who seemed offended that I wanted him to wear a mask outside. We were sitting right next to each other for 2 hours or so. There's no way I could tell him I feared the shedding. I'm screwed coming and going. 

The vaxxed if they knew I wasn't vaxxed would consider me a "dirty plague rat". I can tell the few who know think I'm nuts for refusing the clot juice. I'm seen as a wicked person who "distrusts science". Some of these people don't know my unusual reading habits.

 Some seem in shock I haven't caught Covid yet and am still alive. 

Outside of reasonable decent friends, some of the Maga crowd who think it's all a hoax, have called me "neurotic", "a coward" and "an idiot". The local anti-Covid mandates crowd would have ran me out of the room for wearing a mask. What I find interesting is as they insult me, no one pays attention to the assholes who allowed all this to happen to us. Baric, Fauci, and the rest all get ignored in the clown show for the role of hell that has now been unleasehd. 

I told husband, I've had the kind of life where I am going to do for myself first and make my own decisions. I think following the crowd now on anything may be a deadly enterprise. Haven't we learned that already about the vaxxes? The pressure to get them was unrelenting. They held out carrots on the stick! "It will keep you from getting infected", they told us and then they changed that to "It will keep you out of the hospital" and that's not happening either.  Some keep claiming the tsnumani of how harmful the vaxxes are is going to break but I'm not sure I believe it. It seems people would have woke up by now. I'm upset they haven't but what can I do about it?

 I told some, I don't want affected by the spike proteins, and I'm not noticing with some worrying interest, that my Meniere's seems to be getting worse whenever I go out in public the day before, when I am in stores around normal mostly vaxxed people. I'm noticing a pattern. The tinnitus was extreme yesterday and today. I was in a few stores on Thursday. 

What if Covid causes real long term damage?

I earnestly really wanted to find out if Covid is really a hoax. I've watched the videos and messages. BTW my husband believes it is real. He has no doubts. 

I made a list which I admit is all ancedotal on one message board, going to add and change a few things here, answering the question "Is Covid a Hoax?" This too like my Covid vaxx victim list is ancedotal too. 

One thing us autistics do notice patterns. I always saw it as one of my talents but maybe now it is a curse, as the world has gone shithouse crazy. I notice patterns and details. The easy peasy answer of "There's no virus" doesn't work, I am trying to figure things out and want to. Maybe I am limited in my ability but do you think I want to live trapped in my apartment the rest of my life? For us disabled this sucks beyond belief. One thing that angers me is the "You have nothing to fear people" don't understand that some of us have seen insane stuff on both ends.

Ok here's the list:

I fear getting it and being messed up. I have enough health problems. Its hard to know who to trust now. I've done explorations, asking people questions about who got it and what the symptoms were, I seem to find evidence for it being real and evidence for it not. Hmm may as well offer you my list, like I listed all the people being messed up from the vaxx. I know online maybe about only 40 percent of people I talk to are real.

Evidence for Covid being a Hoax:

I know people who never have gotten it who believe it is a hoax. or they are immune or they have had mild cases. Yeah I have asked, How come these people who don't wear masks have never gotten Covid?. I know multiple people who fit this category. Now some people who did consider it a hoax did get it and change their minds, but they lived through it and said "It's just a cold". One admitted to me she did have shortness of breath.

How on earth did a 100 year old get Covid, and not get deathly ill? How did she survive? It made no sense to me. I want her to stay alive, but it seemed odd for such a deadly virus. 

Even in the earliest days, when Delta was around, it seemed around 1 out of 10 people got really sick but rest recovered. It doesn't seem like the vaxxes changed any of that. 

PCR tests seem very dubious. Some people online have told me they have been improved. I have studied about the founder Mullins claiming his test shouldn't be used that way. PCR tests and rapid test antigens if you study up about them have multiple flaws. How many people are being told they have Covid when they don't?

It was strange when some people told me, "I had Covid, [based on a PCR] but their symptoms were minimal almost like they had nothing wrong with them. One complained of fatigue. That could be a normal day. How many of these people are testing constantly and getting false positives? 

How come when three friends I know all went to the hospital with unrelated to Covid problems, they all got diagnosed with Covid? One had COPD, that would be easy to contribute a COPD flare to having Covid. If I have to go to the hospital I plan to refuse, I don't want to be given remsidivir or other treatments. 

Why would elite poison their own world unless they have an antidote? They have kids and grandchildren they want to keep alive. Would they turn the planet into a spike protein mess? Now some here would say incompetence and stupidity led to the biggest screw up in history. 

You never hear about people not having oxygen in their blood short of breathe anymore. [like maybe there was some real SARS at start they released but now its gone] 

Never heard of a virus making a million variants. Other viruses have changed and mutuated like the flu but not this quickly. The constant Greek alphabet names reminded me of when they named hurricanes.

There's ample evidence online of Event 201, and things where they seemed to "plan" out a pandemic.

Never heard of a virus that can do everything and anything to everyone like the super magical genius virus that kisses ass of elite on every score. Seriously Captain Tripps would have been better because at least it'd be over by now

Never heard of a virus humans don't develop some immunity too and get over and over again. Some dissenting scientists point to that as an "achievement" in "gain of function" labs. 

Most of the videos and websites that point to Covid as being a hoax, believe it is via false diagnosis vs multitudes of false positives on PCR tests. They also believe masks don't work and are a lie and that the size of the virus would easily slide through the higher quality masks.

The pandemic was planned endless evidence for that.

Some dissenting opinions point to 5G, other poisoning or bioweapons being responsible for the illness from Covid.

Evidence for Covid being real:

I quizzed people, some told me people really died.

I quizzed people I know who had Covid diagnosis, and symptoms [not one of the asymptomatics] and asked "How was your Covid different from a regular cold or flu?" Some pointed to losing the sense of smell, shortness of breath, funny heart beats and afib, extreme joint pain and other unusual symptoms. One person told me it made their limbs tingle. Another did say to me "It was like I was poisoned" and "it felt artificial". Another person, see below, talked about extreme brain fog. 

My husband did talk to a lady of a couple where the husband died quickly and she almost died of Covid in the early days.

We heard stories of people meeting and at one meeting 15 people all "got Covid", I know about a whole business getting Covid--they reported 6-8 people there at a local resort, etc. What's spreading?

 This one woman I know online and am sure is a real person said her EMT brother saw people dying gasping for air

I knew people who had relatives die--church members etc. Some were old but some weren't.

I knew this guy who almost died in hospital, online relationship but know he's real for sure, needed 12 units of oxygen [again some of these early folks could be some released SARS at the start of this] His lungs were messed up. He is only in late 40s, early 50s.

I know this one guy from my church who got Covid, he told me it messed up his heart beats--this was prevaxx time. He's been sick a lot, may have long Covid, I think he is still alive but he disappeared from the church even Zoom sessions for more than a year.

Some recent cases they have told me of extreme brain fogs and other weird symptoms, "its not a cold", "I couldn't function", "I was in bed for days" Of course some of this could be pinned on the vaxxes.

What about that Ralph Baric and other "gain of function" jerks, weren't they doing something in those labs?

Why wouldn't elite kill via virus AND vaxx, maybe they do have antidotes, be it boxes of IVM they are denying everyone else, zinc, etc or mixture? I never believed in crisis actors. Have you followed the Alex Jones case recently?

How could all these doctors and others be fooled? I did ask a few doctors, remember I see a LOT of doctors, what is going on. A doctor told me he had seen some people die of Covid, younger people not oldsters. [pre-vaxx] time. I plan to ask one soon when I see him and ask if anyone is dying or not. 

I haven't had a cold or flu during 2.5 years of wearing a mask. That is the longest span of time in my life where I haven't had a cold. I do worry my immune system is being ruined from wearing masks so long. Yes it worries me a lot. This points to masks doing "something". 

Some think it could be a poisoning, 5g or something else is killing people. Very possible. I don't buy terrain theories, have gotten sick from seeing sick people and know who gave me something in the past.

Commenters here have described getting Covid including recently and that the symptoms were far worse then an ordinary cold or flu. 

I know 15 people in last two months who all claim they have Covid. Could be vaxx illness but it's intermittent whatever they are getting. It is obvious to many of us that vaxxed people are getting sick with Covid or whatever far more often. Summer is a dubious time for everyone to be getting a million colds though some could say the vaxxes destroyed their immune systems and that's all it is

Ok all of this is ancedotal. I also think they have muddied the waters on purpose. What else would work to split society in two and drive everyone into madness. Just like narcissists use gaslighting and double-blinds to keep the truth from being known, it's happening here. One question we could say, is "Why not both?" There's a real bioweapon or virus making people sick but the tests are crap, and more are testing positive that should. We know the messaging in general is illogical in general. 

One doctors predictions seem to becoming true. Maybe keep track of how many people you know are getting sick with weird infectious illnesses. Few realize this about monkeypox but there was an outbreak in 2003 out west and it remained control. Dr. Bhakdi is a doctor who warned the mRNA shots would shred human immune systems and bring a cascade of diseases. Very few are talking about this either. When you read about NYC now having polio showing up in the water system and about monkey pox spread, I remember the warnings of Dr. Bhakdi.

" Dr Bhakti is warning of progressive long term collapsing of the injection victims’ immune systems. The injection victims immune systems are tricked into self destruction! With the immune system destroyed as a result of the injections, all sorts of dormant infections like shingles, tuberculosis, Epstein Barre Virus, toxoplasmosis, cytomegalovirus, and other infections, will thrive and destroy lives."

750+ Studies About the Dangers of the COVID-19 Injections – Doctors for COVID Ethics (

I don't have all the answers. I'm just a person trying to figure things out. As I said I may not post much about Covid elsewhere, it's talking to a brick wall. I do think disaster is coming. I'm detecting some scary patterns.

Maybe I am too autistic, but I do not understand people's choices lately. Oh I understand people wanting to live their lives, but now that people are getting Covid multiple times it seems even that is not having them hang back a bit. 

What is happening to us, I believe is worse then WWII in many ways and may even cost more lives. We are in a real battle between good and evil here, and evil so far is winning. 

 Add whatever information you can to this post. I want to see and hear what you have in your neck of the woods going on. What are you seeing? What is happening to people? Are they catching Covid a lot? What do you think of the new monkey pox? Are you noticing they aren't even attempting contact tracing on that. Ever ask yourself why? People need to start asking questions and not accepting the illogic of this whole mess. 

Monday, July 18, 2022

More Health Problems: Hypercalciuria


This is the latest medical problem. They have reduced my Lasix to see if that is causing it? Has anyone else managed TWO different kinds of kidney stones at ONCE? There could be calcium kidney stones now, hypercalciuria is too much calcium in the urine.

I just got the uric acid ones under control again. I passed a small stone last night. It gets wearing. The kidney doctor does seem to be good, he dug up some old files and brought up my adrenal problems from 20 years ago when they did an adrenal scan and I was diagnosed with hyperadolsteronism. I was told then, I had seven times the adrenal hormones as a normal person. This was the time there was high cortisols. That doctor put me on the androgen blocker that took me down in weight from 700lbs to 450. I was forced off that drug 6 years ago. This doctor does seem to acknowledge things with me are very complex.

With the weight, I'm scared, I'm eating less but it's only stayed "stable", the same 520. I'm glad I have been stable but it's far too high. My appetite has felt reduced too, where most food seems "gross" to me, and that still didn't take any off.  My A1C came down. I think my weight is even confusing the doctors. Advanced kidney urine tests by the way tell them everything you are eating. They know if you are pigging out on hamburgers or like me lowering the protein.

Even vegetarianism hasn't taken things off. I had a salad for dinner and a little soup two days ago, 1 chicken sausage and some rice with celery and green pepper last night. It occurred to me outside of a small Duo protein bar, I haven't eaten anything sweet in two years and still the weight remains insane. I'm living the Steven King book, "Thinner" but title it "Fatter" this time. Oddly the weight thing shocked me too because I have looked thinner in the face and arms but it didn't show in the numbers. Maybe the water weight is part of it. 

 I know no one should be maintaining this weight based on what I eat. Lipedema stage 4 does very bad things to weight but it seems beyond this. This doctor did refer me to an endocrinologist. Remember I was going to see one again, I needed a referral. Too much is going wrong. I need to know where the testosterone is even and have to shave my face on occasion. 

My fatigue has been extreme and there's muscle problems too lately. One autoimmune problem the Dermatomyositis may be moving from skin involvement to muscle involvement.  My legs have felt "weak" at times. I may be asking to be put into the hospital if it gets much worse even with the Covid dangers. I really have needed to be in a hospital or rehab for years. I used to beg to be put in to have 100 taken off, but none of them would do it. I know functioning would be far higher at 420 then 520. I was 460 in 2013 but that is too long ago.

 Sometimes I go and lay in my bed for an entire day just getting up for necessities, and then that seems to improve the pain where I can walk around better and manage.  So that's how I have done it. Some I am sure would say "Go get more exercise". I try. I can still walk through stores the same and do some gardening at least. My life does need some activities.  People don't know this about me, but even though I had severe disabilities, I liked living life and doing things as much as I could.

I don't feel "too bad" today, but some days, it's really bad. There were days if not for Covid, I would have checked into the hospital. Every morning I look around at my apartment and feel overwhelmed, this is not good for mental health. It could be worse without my husband doing the laundry, trash, and he cleans up things I'm not up to lately. One troubling CFS problem is I literally could sleep all day if I let myself. 

With the endocrinologist, I'm really going to press for genetic tests, there's too much wrong, so many illnesses I can barely keep track. None of this makes sense for one person to have so many things wrong. The ringing in my ears and going deaf has been difficult too. I'm hoping the doctors get some answers. I'm glad the kidney doctor went into my old records. 

Something is wrong they have not discovered yet, I am sure of it. The body never worked right and so much is wrong. I believe I have a genetic or other disorder, I even find myself wondering if I have some parathyroid condition or other complex condition. I need to tell the endocrinologist in the 1990s, a doctor mentioned me having polyendocrine autoimmune disorder.  Hopefully I can get more answers. 

One thing it is known fact in the Lipedema world now that severe autoimmune diseases often go with Lipedema especially in high stages. I did meet others with extreme autoimmune diseases with stage 4 Lipedema. This is being talked about on advanced medical boards for Lipedema.