Friday, June 24, 2022
Some of these people really should attempt some consistency.
I saw on a reddit board someone pointing out that the overruling of Roe v. Wade is more about canceling out the right to privacy, what better way to force clot shots on everyone?
Here's the latest:
Supreme Court Overrules Roe vs. Wade
I wrote this a few years ago.
I never liked abortion but always considered government interference in it, to create nothing but problems. It should be kept a private matter and there's health and other things, the state isn't going to care about. I had my own "special circumstances" where I was told pregnancy would kill me. I was mostly infertile but I could have popped a random egg even with severe PCOS, so I took precautions. I've never had sex without birth control, maybe I'm one of those cautious type people. My infertility probably kept me from ever becoming pregnant. Years and years, statistics would have said, the birth control would have failed at least once even with my extreme caution. There's a lot of women who are careful and who get pregnant anyway. Right wing pro-life types never had much mercy for women in difficult positions.
No one really gives a damn about the babies, because once they are here, everything they need for happy healthy lives gets cut off. The left used to at least pretend to care about the "little people" that's over, as we are crushed under extreme inflation. They are now pushing the clot shot on the babies, with few studies and really no benefit--negative efficacy, and that makes me sick and like I should be screaming in the streets to save them from future autoimmune illnesses, blood clots, and possible infertility. So as all these people claim to "care about the babies", I don't think they do. So Roe vs Wade is now gone, but now we are dealing with the already born babies being put on the chopping block. Some of the kids already got myocarditis, guess they don't care about dead babies now. Guess they don't care about the orphans either as the adverse effects from the shots pile up, and Covid never ends and no treatments are pursued.
I never had children and watching people give their babies experimental shots that really have already failed and serve no purpose for them makes me want to puke. It was bad enough with the kids but watching it happen to babies is even worse. Too many kids have dumb parents. I can have sympathy for the fear and angst produced in millions, but aren't any of these people looking around? The shots have failed us. Adults have noped out realizing the side effects and more. So why push it on babies? What possible benefit can you see it having?
Back to abortion. The right sucks too when it comes to abortion, ignoring the economic factors that drive it. Outside of medical issues, the majority of women I know who got abortions all did so for ECONOMIC reasons. They couldn't take care of themselves or the baby, or keep their job. They were too young and in school still. They had no place to live. Deadbeat men who made them pregnant in the first place all disappeared. Some had no families or wealthier families who refused to help. Their options were very few. Some have told me they regretted it and feel resentment over the economic duress they were under. Notice in all these abortion battles, THAT is never talked about.
This country put money above human life long ago and the right wing is guilty of that. So why they cry about the abortions and now make them illegal, they offered no real changes to make abortions less in number. They do nothing to give women more options. Many of them are insane enough to want to do away with birth control too. They ARE going after the contraception. If this place was sane, then the need or desire for abortion would become so rare it would become a moot issue.
The left sucks too, because they support an experimental shot with extreme side effects being given to the babies. They sacrificed the working class on the altar of neo-liberalism, they allow Bill Gates and others to destroy our lives and health. Through their medical fascism they have enabled this.
Some have theorized abortion is being made illegal now because the fertility rates from the clot shots are going to plummet, and if the abortion clinics see their business fall off, it's going to be obvious. I don't know but it's an interesting theory. If you get time, research a bit what has happened to women's fertility and periods and babies in relation to the vaxxes. Naomi Wolf has written quite a bit about this.
Anyone here wonder about the timing of all this? The country is a tinderbox. And they seem intent on lighting a match. I still think there's going to be an extreme right wing resurgence. It's been my theory. I'm disaffected from the left but don't support the other side either. There's people like me out there, who are beyond disgusted. I'm disgusted watching this too. No one cares about babies or human lives. They seem to do everything they can to make things worse.
Sunday, June 12, 2022
Seriously I need to quit it.
One needs to ask first if someone wants your advice.
I don't have money, power or resources to help anybody anyhow. I can't even help myself. I'm barely staying out of the nursing home now, with mobility and other problems.
I don't mind advice, some people's advice has gotten me out of a jam. One has to make it clear of course, whatever they decide is their decision at the final point. Some good friends gave me advice yesterday I liked. It may help solve a problem. Advice can help. We got car handles fixed on a car asking for help. We have been able to find solutions to problems ourselves.
Part of me wants to do good in the world, I guess whether that's based on faults or not. I even have tried to help homeless people from years ago. Being low on money but good on research, I'd help people search for resources. There were a few times, it helped. One young online acquaintance was able to find disabled housing and be freed of an abusive household. I helped one friend learn about PACE and find help during severe illness.
Other times things went worse for the person. They didn't always use my advice in this case or maybe just some of it. Everyone's life is their own choices, but then you can be on the stick for giving bad advice if things went badly for your friend or acquaintance and they incorporated any of it. That can be a danger zone. Then you're the person at fault. I once advised this one online friend on how to apply for disability and when she got turned down, she got really angry at me.
Some take the autistic analytical nature to try and get to the bottom of something or even help someone very wrong. I need to realize giving some neurotypical people advice pisses them off. I see myself as helping but some just get angry. Some assume I am looking down at them. Well in our dog eat dog world where everything runs by status, maybe some probably have been looked down on before. They don't know me enough especially in online situations to know that is not how I operate.
One thing that's different between autistic and neurotypical culture, us Aspies do openly talk about our problems, even if they are bad among ourselves. There's less pressure to save face. We will give each other advice. Take it or leave it. We don't get pissed off at each other for it. In those circles, I can be more open. Some of my friends with autism, they have been burned so much in neurotypical land, they stay away except for necessary interactions like for business and commerce.
I like a lot of neurotypicals, and want better communication with them, and have friends who are, but have to be more mindful of the advice thing. Of course people with autism can get bad advice too, and or be told they are "not enough" over and over. I've been told basically "Stop being autistic". Some may read this article and even say "Oh this is an excuse for your crappy advice and arrogant nature!"
One thing my husband has warned me, he thinks I am getting into too many fixes with people and that too many are using me as a sounding board or free counselor especially online. He has told me he wants me to be more careful with online interactions. While I've gotten good friends online, it can be complicated. Sharing problems does not a friendship make there has to be some mutual interests and affection. Maybe I've erred and told people too many of my problems online too so did the same thing from my end.
If people move on to better things or even life worsens and they haven't found solutions, then they "move on". I of course notice they are pulling away, and sometimes foolishly ask why and get anger in response. I don't realize in some cases there probably never was a friendship to begin with.
No one wants to be a project friend, I hated that too of course. When it's all about giving advice and "fixing you". In this case, I wasn't trying to make them a project friend or anything. I was thinking of solutions. I never was forceful about it like you have to do this but it was a bad idea over all. They took it all wrong.
I also have to make sure to avoid falling into this trap again, after ACON recovery, I did walk from some involuntary counselor positions like with the Army friend. On my end, I also had to learn not to tell people my problems too or at least save it for very close and mutual friends. Remember when I wrote this article:
Why You Never Tell People Your Problems
There may be a codependency problem in wanting to "help" people so much. Maybe that's another onion layer, where my narcissistic family made me feel like I had to be "of use" to be considered worthy to anyone. It's putting me in a trap with people and bringing me to a place of hurt way too often.
Here I don't want to shut down all the "help", someone told me this week they saw me as being the "mother" of one group I am in so surely saw some positives in what I had to share. Here is a place where I have to seek some balance.
Thursday, June 2, 2022
Covid is still making things weird. The level of social awkwardness has been amplified to the max.
The pain of watching everyone return to normal life is difficult. I'm still scared of catching Covid. Too much knowledge can be a bad thing as I've read warnings about even mild cases of Covid causing bad problems down the road. Now the latest thing seems to be, people have returned to regular life and consider multiple "mild" cases of Covid, the price of doing business. Something about that seems psychotic to me. The details of the long term effects of Covid, married to that, seems like a disaster waiting to happen. People around me, are going to concerts, trips, and have basically abandoned all worries about Covid. I understand, who wants to live like this anymore. I don't. No one wears masks anymore. We are seen as complete weirdos. At least we are left alone, but people see us as crazy.
I got two sides angry at me now, obviously the vaxx crowd--for the few that know my status, see me as in the wrong. One vaxxed friend depressingly told me, "Covid is now forever". Vaxxed people who have returned to normal life, wonder why I am still isolating. I fear that "outing me" too. Even the ones who have had Covid three times and have been in the hospital for it, "still trust in their vaxxes and boosters". A few got "mild cases" or PCR tests that were false positives, I don't know. It makes one's head hurt.
The other side that believes it's all a hoax, think I am a betrayer with the masks even though I don't believe in the vaxxes and mandates. Some express frustration with those who are "scared" of Covid. America is kind of a messed up a society. Feelings are being repressed here constantly. You aren't allowed to have any and it's gotten worse. Admit fear and they will kick you in the face. This is life with narcissists. The sociopaths did this to us in the first place.
Some guy told me I am neurotic on Reddit for still worrying about Covid and that I need to "move on". That's one thing I get tired of, the whole "don't worry about it" crowd. The rooms burning and we are all supposed to act happy. Remember those "Keep Calm and Carry On" signs? Some people took that stuff to heart.
Some disabled people are reporting they are scared and feel the pressures of being immuno-compromised and being told they have to return to "normal life." Others have told me, "Nothing can be done, it's everywhere and you have to go live your life anyway". I will admit my OCD and other problems which includes PTSD from gasping for air from too many severe asthma attacks and untreated COPD impacts my decisions.
I still try to figure out the evidence from those who claim the virus is not real, but I think that's just another distraction and IT is REAL at least right now.
Some of my reading material has influenced my decisions:
Sars2 causes Immune depletion: [so do the vaxxes as well]
Xabier Ostale on Twitter: "Mystery hepatitis, Hand-foot-mouth syndrome, monkey pox, and now Tomato flu. Aside from the hilarious names, there is a constant surge of diseases -- after sars2 infections, btw. Also measles, polio, TB, Crimean-Congo Hemorrhagic Fever, Plague, Mers. And more to come." / Twitter
Biomolecules | Free Full-Text | COVID-19 and the Brain: The Neuropathological Italian Experience on 33 Adult Autopsies (mdpi.com)
Abdul Mannan Baig. (Ph.D.),(MBBS) on Twitter: "Recent Updates: COVID-19 and the Brain: The Neuropathological Italian Experience on 33 Adult Autopsies SARS-CoV-2 was detected in neurons with evidence of axonal damage in the medulla oblongata (see image for functions). Its detection here can be easily correlated with symptoms https://t.co/GntVPviAd7" / Twitter
Hiroshi Yasuda (保田浩志) on Twitter: "Previously, I envisaged that the modern civilization could collapse by either a nuclear war or a deadly infectious disease. Currently, I presume that the collapse will be caused by the secular decline of cognitive functions of those infected repeatedly with the "mild" viruses." / Twitter
Comments on this last article: "Burnt Out Nurse😷 🐨 on Twitter: "@MeetJess So basically we're letting an immune depleting virus run wild so that once infected you're even more susceptible to reinfection and vulnerable to any other infection and likely to develop an autoimmune disease and so on and so on. Yep that's a whole lot of common sense. Carry on" / Twitter
Chris Edward on Twitter: "@Mumontherun01 @pjhn22 @MeetJess Yeah, but the economy! It feels like we're creating our own extinction events and the people in power are more worried about how much money they will make rather then pay attention to what we're doing to our collective gene pools. We're destroying humanity. You cannot eat money." / Twitter
The disasters that are the vaxxes keep building up:
SARS-CoV-2 vaccination can elicit a CD8 T-cell dominant hepatitis - PubMed (nih.gov)
Frontiers | Autoimmune Skin Disease Exacerbations Following COVID-19 Vaccination | Immunology (frontiersin.org)
I suspected right when I read about the vaxxes and KNEW they would worsen my autoimmune diseases. This article concerns dermatomyositis and how it worsened the illness for a sizable percentage who got vaxxed and that's just one disorder I have!
I could make decision to return back to life despite consequences. I'm still trying to figure things out. They've made it near impossible to make risk assessment decisions right now. Maybe people figure there's nothing to be done and best to just go back to life. Being put in this position with all these health problems pisses me off. There's a lot of public health people who need fired and the failed vaxxes won't solve this either.
Women with Autism Oversharing
Some social stuff seems to get difficult. I and my husband got into a conversation, I was talking about my endless social problems and how hard social stuff is for me. He pointed out, I had problems in my old rural town too. It's true, I did. While I have more fond memories there, I was younger and times were different, there were still struggles.
I wonder at times if I try too hard socially. Maybe I need to just let up on it. Some people in my autistic group told me they don't have friends or only pursue things socially with other autistics. That makes sense.
It's too easy to make too many of the same mistakes over and over. Socially things are difficult because often I'm having to dedicate a lot of brain power just to keep up because of the hearing issues. On Zoom, I'm reading captioning text, and that can take longer to keep up with things then if you hear spoken language.
The other day I was in a women's group and realized with horror after I was done, I had massively overshared. There was the land mine that we were to choose an ancestor to talk about. I chose "The Aunt Who Loved Me", and even though these were positive memories, there was the edge of why I was living with her and WHY I wanted to stay and I said way too much. At least I was smart enough when I told them she died young and said it was better not to get into the nitty-gritty details.
Remember I try to keep my past a secret with most. Things seem to ooze out. It's always been hard here because this community is so reticent. I like a lot of people here but more affluent socioeconomic groups are less apt to pour their hearts out, so it seems easier to make major mistakes here. It's always made things far harder for me. I've talked about moving to more working class and rural areas again, but husband doesn't want to move. He told me, "You've struggled in other places". "You will take autism where ever you go".
I had the embarrassment of even crying which that sucked. The people there were nice, but later I thought, "you probably just stressed them out". They are going to see my endless pit of problems if I am not careful. Sometimes I envy people with normal lives who don't have so many "danger zones" to steer clear of. The "family" stuff is a mess I usually avoid. The whole pressure of trying to "appear normal" takes a toll. Later, I asked, "What am I doing? You aren't normal."
Recently, I've studied some stuff about PDA autism, it's a subset of autistics who desire social connection. It seems to fit me to an extent. To be frank with you, this is a curse, because it's an endless rotation of failed dreams. I do enjoy people don't get me wrong, but everything socially is so messy for me. Years ago I did manage to adjust my expectations and enjoy activities for themselves. That helped a lot. I enjoyed this discussion. However the pressures sometimes can be difficult. The autistics who are free of so many social desires may have an easier path. I need to chill out, go to activities on Zoom I still enjoy but be a bit more cautious socially.
Autistic oversharing is a real deal. The door opens up a crack and it can all come flooding out. That's life when you have to spend so much time masking and "trying to appear as normal as possible". You get a friendly group and you pour your heart out.
Wednesday, May 11, 2022
This is a good video. Run if a therapist tells you that you are unconsciously seeking abusers. In other words, that's called "blaming the victim". In abuse recovery, you need to learn to discern the abusers and avoid them. Theramin Tree's sounds like he would be a great therapist. I warned about "bad therapy" in this article: "Analyzing Good and Bad Therapy".
Yes shame is an ongoing struggle with the abuse. That's a cloud my abusers threw upon me. There is always this feeling of "never being good enough". I feel it all the time, and it's struggle. I live in a more affluent community where achievement is very important, and well, that's hard to deal with at times.
One's life is centered around hopping over goal posts, they'll never reach because abusers always move them up. One reason traditional Christianity no longer works for me, is the religion especially in fundamentalist form focuses on shame. I love when Theramin Trees brings up "having to grovel to gods and ghosts". My fundamentalist past literally taught us to beg God for forgiveness sometimes it seemed just for existing. My struggles regarding "cruel gods" has continued. I sometimes do ask how can people have faith in something so mean to them?
I still fight that little voice that screams the apartment is too messy, you have not "done enough" and I think about the shame unloaded for my body that society has added to. I did learn to shut down a lot of shame, but it's hard, it is a stealer of happiness. I grew up in a total malignant "shaming environment". Nothing was ever good enough. Therapists used to work with me to shut down the "hypercritical" voice of my abusers but that's the worse of what these narcissists and sociopaths do to people, they teach children to shame themselves from the inside who carry that into adulthood. This too is what leaves people who were abused as children to open to predators. In my case, I got tired of trying to please or "be enough". People definitely treated me better as a result of this. I do grieve over the lost years with the voices inside of being told I was never "good enough".
There's times I have felt shame over not fight back more especially when I became an adult. In one comic diary, I drew "budgie" asking "Why didn't I run away?" I didn't utilize my then more robust but about to fail health to get out of Dodge. Sadly that's one thing they program you to do, blame yourself for everything. I talked about my 9 years of no contact but when you are gone that long, you can see from a new vantage what was done. The darkness of what was done to me was made evident like the fact my mother refused to be seen in public with me for over 20 years. One thing I started to think was analyzing other people's choices. I was not responsible for what they chose to do. That was a place of freedom as well, it was not my fault. Just like the guy in the video who got jumped by attackers he fought off successfully.
I found the section about "responsibility for everything bad that happened" to be interesting. That's one place where my abusers almost seemed to expect omnipotence. I was told "There's no such thing as an accident" which basically was telling back then a mere child, "You are not allowed to make mistakes". As I grew older I was able to see what twisted individuals they truly were. They never took responsibility for anything. Pawel's experiences were like my own. I was told I was "bad luck" and "cursed". Even with so many bad health things, they seriously blamed me all the time for getting sick.
I like the part where Theramin Trees talks about how shame based individuals are trained to defer judgments to others. That's a major problem. I got stuck in that mode. Autism complicated this because of the forced masking to survive. "Is it okay to think this?", "Is it okay to feel this?" This is one place where extreme religion led me down the wrong road and I got involved with that deliverance minister.
One commenter on this video [Skyewint] said something interesting about the neurodivergent [people with autism etc]
"While I am aware this is not something you explicitly address, I wanted to mention it.
This is the reason why so many people with neurodevelopmental conditions end up having many other mental illnesses. They (or "we", since I am speaking as one of these people) are CONSTANTLY showered with criticism and/or derogatory statements towards us and people who act like us. We hear consistently how awful we are at socializing (since our difference makes it harder to relate to others), or how rude it is not to look at people in the eyes (for autistic people in particular, like me), how we should stop fidgeting (when this is near-impossible to stop for many people with these conditions), or stop counting, or "act normal", etc.
This consistent treatment wears us down and frequently results in intense internal shame, especially if we don't grow up knowing that we have a named condition. Parents reject diagnostic labels much of the time even when children are diagnosed, so their children "are not restrained by a label". But, rather than having the label of a clinical condition, we get labelled as "weird", "wrong", or "broken". It's incredibly unsurprising that this constant treatment of cruelty results in mental illness such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders, dissociation, etc.
For anyone else reading this who is neurodivergent - you're damn strong to still be here and your difference, regardless of how disabling it is, does not make you "broken".
You start looking to other people as for answers on how to fix your life. That opens the door wide to abuse. Later I would ask myself, "What did I really want?" There's things about life I want to change now, but I think of the few years I got when I was doing what I really wanted to do even with limitations of health and money. I never wanted to be a business woman or someone in the suburbs with the perfect house. When one is invalidated to such a deep level even developing a self-trust takes time. "Become our own Socratic questioner". He's right this will allow you to stand against the group. The development of this took me not only out of a toxic family but a toxic religion as well.
This is a really good question, "Do people who provoke raw survival instincts deserve any place in your life?" The answer is No. I don't blame myself for the feelings of fear I had around my monsters. I knew the book "The Gift of Fear" would have told me to run fast.
The section in public shaming was interesting too. I realized as I walked out the door, the family was more invested in their appearances than the truth. Even the cousins quelled all responsibility and tried to project their emotions onto others. Their character flaws were glaring to me, after a lifetime of being told what was wrong with me, I came to see their immense failures and shallow values. After my recovery, turning the tables was a technique, I used. It was a way I could shut down people who focused on criticizing me. In years past I would grovel, "Please like me" but I realized how much hypocrisy was out there, especially when people demanded expectations they themselves did not meet.
It occurred to me that "lack of empathy" wasn't just for one or two narcissists in the family but went through the family like a poison. I heard nonsense about "unbreakable bonds", one aunt who blew me off would go on about how "strong" and "close" the family was. That was ironic to me. I took a "long hard cold look" at mine too. My family sadly operated as a faceless mob. I can say with ease that I did try to talk to individuals one on one before my last departure.
This was a good video. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, it's better not to have them in your life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2022
There is an art show for me scheduled for next year at this time. This means I have to make more art, but I was told I have enough too. I painted three paintings of flowers. Maybe I will show them later. Sometimes I have to be careful with the art to avoid doxxing myself especially if I show it publically. The picture above is a "part of a painting".
Locally I joined this other art group via Zoom, and enjoy those contacts. That's some of the stuff I wish I could be doing in person.
I have been doing book illustrations for a local author, I completed two. I am working on a third. Remember when I talked about changing comics on the computer some time ago? Well this is what I do with the illustrations, I scan them and change them on the computer. I have stuck with a simple program but it worked. These are self published books. It's been fun.
One thing I did was join a Zoom Asperger's group. I facilitated two groups in the last two weeks but usually I am just a participant. The group was younger but now there's a few older people who have joined in and those around my age. I am glad to have the Elder Aspie representation. This reminds me I signed up for some seminar online where I am supposed to talk about being autistic. It's good thing I wrote this because now I remember.
I have been involved in a writing group on Zoom. Some members have told me they think some of my poems are publishable. I enjoy hearing their writing and talking to them about writing. I'm reading this one lady's book of poems, I really like and plan to write her about them.
I've been reading and studying Gnosticism. I am not a Gnostic, more undecided. but I found things about the Cathers and other groups interesting. Some may wonder why does she keep using "Demiurge" in blog posts? There's a lot of religious history to be learned. I know I have a lot of weird interest in conspiracy and some of the Gnostic stuff is applicable to that.
My involvement with my UU has continued although not in person. I miss them. I did decide to set aside the Covid disagreements, it's not always easy but it's one area of life not everything. I plan to see a few people one on one I hope soon.
Oh, I still working on the Fat Pat book, a revamp of my Peep comics, this time it includes writing. I have been redoing the art and adding more. It's at the 180 page mark now. My husband took one look at it and says "It is looking more like a real book". Remember the Peep fiction articles? This book has both comics and writing. I decided to make it humorous. It has insights to round out the story. It is fiction but inspired by my own experiences. I am SLOOOOWWW on projects, but remember I have CFS so do what I can. I do plan to get it done eventually. Fat Pat faces down bullies and "fights the world".