Saturday, January 14, 2023

Positive Developments


                                  snippet of a painting.

Well beyond the Covid stuff, I am still enjoying time with my husband. I always say to him, "I'm glad we had each other during this crazy stuff." Today, we went to the library and got a cheap but tasty sandwich to eat. Most of our restaurants are closed here but there's a few we can find. He has enjoyed his contract job, the work had meaning to him. My art show will go well too in the spring.. I have more than 16 paintings, I'm not sure if everything will fit, but will put in the best of the best. Some hours were spent in thrift stores, getting frames to match paintings with a would up measuring tape. I like thrift stores so this was an enjoyable activity. There's more work to be done.

I'm pricing the art to sell. Trying to think of names for art work is weird, I'm naming some secretly after the strange things I like to study. Maybe you can guess some of my painting names.  I wish I could show some of the complete art here, but don't want to be doxxed. Whatever doesn't sell in the show, I will put up here later, it will be framed and wired for you. There's a tomato and lettuce still-life painting I'm working on now.  Many paintings are based on photos I took.  The theme is mostly plant based and gardening stuff does show in it. Maybe someone will want to put that one in a kitchen. Another painting is of a small town scene with a sun-set. Some of the paintings are a few years old but there's new stuff too. 

After this art show is done, I may go into more experimental directions with art but I did focus on beautiful things. Peep needs some lightness among the darkness. Probably most here think I am painting apocalpytical landscapes but the opposite is true. My art did get "lighter" as I got older but then I discovered the joys of professional grade paint, which has far brighter pigments. The last batch was bought on ebay for 25 dollars. I'm good at finding the art deals usually. One painting, I want 300 bucks for, I like it so much, so it either sells for a lot, or I'm keeping it. That happened with my old mountain painting, where I told someone 700 bucks or no sale. I'm usually not greedy when it comes to art pricing, I've sold some paintings for 45-75 dollars, but there are those exceptions.

The zine, is still being worked on, yes it is taking me forever. It will eventually be done. I read parts of this book to local people and they seemed to like it. I have to brighten it up so it's not just a doom and gloom tale of child-abuse and obesity horrors. I did write a section where the character gets a hole in one while golfing which is a true story. To have the right tone to such a tale, is not easy.  Its at 220 something pages. It's all in there. 

I'm working on a new illustration project, with the art show, it got pushed back, but part of art show will be displaying a few story illustrations I did for local authors. Tomorrow I have to work on it. I did become more skilled at Paint 3-D which is one reason I am still trying to add to the zine. Simple art programs are better. With the illustrations, they were hand drawn but then altered on the computer. I did learn some news skills these past few years and learned Publisher more to the point I've set up two-three zines for my husband. I do have to work around a lot of physical problems and fatigue, but when there is a little energy, work can be done on these projects. 

My studies of alternative medicine continue, and I want to join some new Zoom groups. My Aspie group has gone well, it's entered it's second year. I have a friend in there I message on Facebook that at least lives in my state and want to go visit when I am able. I do have a lot of commonalities. Most are younger then me but there's a few as old me who joined and even one older lady. I like discussions with fellow Aspies. The disability group wants to start a chronic pain disability group but not sure what is coming of that.

I like gardening, and well, while the garden failed this last year, I think it failed because some very tall flowers were sharing the box, I need to put in a barrier.  Experiments were done trying to grow heirloom which is not bred for productivity. More experienced gardeners with land can handle heirloom but when I made that leap the plants were too stunted and small. Some did turn out like small bokchoys. I'm going back to traditional seeds if I can garden this next year. Physically it is not easy, but I go slow, and sit on my walker while doing it. Soon it will be time to order or obtain seeds.

Recently I read a book by Bono called Surrender. I used to love U2. Bono annoys me sucking up to the elite, like Bill Gates and presidents, but his story was interesting. He seemed earnest and like he had good intentions so maybe just didn't figure these creeps out. His Irish memories of his mother Iris, and his father Bob appear in the book as well as recollections about The Edge, Larry, and Adam. He also talks about different celebrities he met and was friends with and I didn't realize his ties and work with Johnny Cash. I liked Johnny Cash a lot.  Unlike most celebrities he stuck with his wife of 40 years and seemed to treat his now adult children well. In my 20s I was obsessed with U2 and even saw them in concert, the one where Bono handed out pizzas to the people but I was too far back. I can still hear some music on headphones and went down memory lane listening to U2 songs while reading these books. My favorite U2 song was always "With or Without You" but there's a lot of lesser known ones I like off Rattle and Hum and other albums.

Another venture has been reading James T. Ferrell books from the 1930s. Warning they are not politically correct, but I read the Studs Lonigan series and Chicago Stories recently. Seeing how very different life was, Studs had many friends die very young, but how more social and connected life was, was kind of a learning lesson. Most of these books take place in Chicago so I was familiar with all the scenery and where they were at. 

The Eternal Pandemic

 I posted this on Twitter yesterday:

What do we do now? I still can't figure out what is going on. Is it time to return to regular life as my mental health/physical health implodes? Well I can't belabor the fact too long. It sucks seeing the 2020s and my 50s ruined by a bunch of a billionaire assholes. I always used to say psychopathic boomers [there's a few good ones] would burn down the world before they shuffled off this mortal coil and I was right.

With Covid, most people have given up. They've gone back to their lives. No one here wears masks. I watch everyone in my Zooms talk about their endless vacations, concerts, and fun lives. Why am I grounded forever? Why do I feel so trapped? They aren't pissed off like me. Maybe dumber people are happier ones. Hopefully I am not the dumb one. Maybe normal people figured out it's all a hoax and I'm late to get the news. My husband thinks it's real. I shouted one day, that "I don't want anyone to die, but if someone died of Covid that I knew at least I would know if this shit is real or not!" The only 2 people I know who almost died, were both adamant vapers. Too much makes no damn sense. 

I think about doing the same in returning to life. Maybe cowardice is running my show and medical trauma. I thought of consulting a therapist about my OCD affecting my decision making with a touch of germphobia but was afraid I'd get a pro-vaxxer who'd call me crazy. We are so buried in medical bills, I can't afford one anyway. 

Some research says Covid is bad, and everyone who gets it even mildly is going to get brain problems and worse. Some people say it's a hoax and even the lab leak and GOF stuff is all made up. How in the hell am I supposed to know what is really going on. I shouted to husband, "No one I know has died or been hospitalized from Covid for a year and half and told him maybe it's time to go back to regular life". However on the other side, I keep thinking why do all these vaxxed people keep getting sick every month? A lot of them got sick with blood clots, afib etc, but why do they all keep getting endless colds and flus even during the summer? Some dissenting scientists also believe Covid itself diminishes the immune system TOO. Who the hell knows what is going on? Maybe the smart people for the sake of sanity just threw up their hands, said screw it, and returned to regular life. 

Who the hell knows what is going on because I sure don't. I really put effort into finding out. We swim in a sea of lies. Maybe a solution is to check out, ignore it all live normal. My husband has ignored my desire to sell everything off and "get the hell out of here". There's no decent senior housing in this town, unless I want to be crushed by rent for the rest of my life with no money, we probably will have to start over anyhow. Why are we here?  Well we stayed for the medical care and all my specialists and he had a locally based contract job which will be soon ending. I hope he gets a totally non-local based remote job, so our options are wider. I'm helping him with job hunting. So yes, on top of everything else, I have the stress of sliding back down the financial ladder and the prices already have crushed us. 

I cry too much about all the things I miss. One day ranting and raving around the apartment I shouted, "It's like we are living in prison, no let me take that back, there'd be more people to talk to in prison!" I draw up dates to return to normal life. "In March, I am done. Whatever happens happens."

 My husband asks me to wait to rejoin society, he has some recent health problems so I have done so but how long should I go? His health problems could be something really serious.  He's getting tested soon. Yes I'm scared and stressed about it, outside of internet friends and a few decent ones that live a little distance away, he's all I got.

 Life itself is hard enough but added with the rest of this covid crap, its too much.  Maybe we are two germ paranoid old people or maybe these people who have all had Covid 3-4 times [who knows if any of their tests are real?] are crazy. Some are hitting bout #5. An entire family announced it at my UU church on Zoom. I thought no one is wheezing or coughing, maybe they just had a cold.  Are we crazy or are they?

I plan to get my art show done this spring, and a few other things but then I have to figure out what to do with my life and help husband get some new employment. The prices are rising so fast, we may have to make some hard choices about life. Endless stress, why didn't my life turn out? The one online friend I've mentioned before, the happy church pastor is now frolicking in Mexico, no masks having a fun time. Her children who never seem to lack for jobs or money either are producing babies by the bucketload for her.  For these people there is no Covid.

Maybe Facebook just has the rich show-offs now, all the poors dropped off. I post a lot less on there except to message a few awake friends. I would just offend people if I told them what I really thought but on one end, a life of repression and silence sucks too.  Why don't any of the people relate to me here? Maybe they lack empathy? Maybe most are so rich, life really has gone so well for them, they are truly free of all worry. These are the wrong people for me to be around. Don't make the mistake of being a poor person in a relatively affluent town, you may have better health care, a nice library, good cultural stuff, but you will never be one of them. Wealthier people focus on being "positive" all the time and success is very important to them. It's worn me out. I just want to see someone "get real" and bitch for once. It's all walking on eggshells for me. After ACON recovery I stopped being an open book but now I'm the closed book.  This is one reason I'm on the fence with some groups I am in. 

 My "community" ties have proven too superficial to provide any real comfort or support. The international travel frenzy has not let up too, Middle East, Paris, etc. I don't relate to these people with bottomless buckets of money. Even if you have disabilities that show, to be hiding out now means you are judged as a hyponchondriac. Doesn't something seem morally and ethically wrong with going on global jaunts during a global pandemic. Most of these people have children and grandchildren too, don't they need help? 

After the football player dropped and went into cardiac arrest on national TV, is anyone in your neck of the woods waking up about the vaxxes? Have the dummies woken up yet? Around here, everyone is quiet, Covid is the topic you don't talk about on my Zooms. God so much repression. If I do end up moving, or not, I need to find new people to hang out with. I want working class people around me who are willing to bitch and complain. If you are into gratitude lists, leave me alone. Don't even bother. 

Why is the expectation even that we remain "positive" even as the world burns down. Screw that. 

Some of us are watching everything with growing horror, all the mounting death from the vaxxes, and the insanity of leaders who take no action to stop it and still promote them. Some of us fear the worse, but our numbers are rare. Most don't care. One sign of psychopathy and narcissism is a lack of fear, and well as I said before America was a dream world of denial long ago and it's only gotten worse. I've had to hide so many emotions. I will hate these so called leaders/parasites for the rest of my life for unleashing a pandemic without end. They have offered no solutions but deadly vaxxes now killing people. They have offered no treatments, no cures. They have offered nothing but tyranny and bullshit. They have betrayed the disabled and people like me beyond the pale. Our lives were already difficult. If I find out it was a hoax and I lost three years of my life to their lies, I'm going to be even more pissed off. What if Covid even in mild forms is now destroying people? How are we supposed to even know? 

I'm tired of being judged. I'm tired of feeling so alone with only a few awake friends and people online to talk to because I'm surrounded by so many people who lack any introspection or critical thinking. Look I'm confused so would understand it in someone else but these folks are so certain and question nothing. Leave it up to the parasites to destroy our world but do it in such a way, all the costs skyrocket and continue. I'm so lonely around these people. I can't talk to them. This has changed everything. My only choice now is to figure out what to do to survive and to get away from people who support all of this. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

A Great Article on Lack of Empathy in Abusers

One of the multiple of angry letters I wrote my own narcissistic mother was about how she had no empathy.  I wrote in this letter, "You have no empathy and don't care how people feel". She didn't. She's incapable of it. This is the letter that "disappeared" and she denied getting. 

This was a woman who made fun of a man who broke his back cutting branches from a tree, for asking for a straw as he laid in a hospital bed. There was no comfort or care when it came to illness. I believe my mother is at the extreme end of the NPD scale, she had an inability to feel fear, there was a lack of emotions there. There's dozens of articles on this blog where I talk about the incidents showing her total lack of empathy.

Abusers don't see things from your perspective. It's all about themselves. Many of us who came out of these abusive families, had false fantasies about how one day our abusers would "wake up" and see us and have concern for our feelings. We wrongly believed they thought like us, or the cold ice hearts would melt. It's never going to happen. They don't have the feelings or introspection, and don't care.  It doesn't matter what tragedies one faces, they simply don't care and most will exploit the troubles you do face, Sometimes facing that fact can be very hard, we have to realize they do not think or see the world the way we do. When they cry it's for show, when we cry and show feelings they usually are enraged especially if you are critcizing them or they exploit those emotions.

Facing the truth for many of us who went no contact isn't easy. Some make the mistake of imaging "hidden feelings" in the people with no empathy. Yes there are reserved people but in the case of these toxics the feelings simply aren't there. 

One question I do ask in any new relationships is if people do have empathy? It's a red flag to learn to watch for and learn to avoid those who don't have it.  I wish children in school were directly taught about empathy and the important role it serves in life and to look out for those who lack it.

Lise's article makes a lot of great points.

Most people who exhibit lack of empathy for you (as a character trait - and part of that character trait is an unusual amount of criticism of others) are usually going to display abusive behavior at some point too. In very rare circumstances, people who are totally overwhelmed like going through multiple tragedies and conflicts (a death of a parent, losing a business, in the hospital for a surgery, a child in a devastating car accident - all at once for instance) can display a lack of empathy because they are dealing with too many issues. However, if you see a lot of verbal abuse, while they are in the middle of their tragedies, it is a bad sign. 

People who are verbally abusive or hyper critical of you usually want to cut down your self esteem. That's usually a sign of the beginning of abuse. It usually escalates to emotional and psychological abuse later on, and can even escalate into physical abuse, threats, harassment, false imprisonment, coercive control, sometimes stalking and stealing, and even life threatening occurrences. Always remember that once abuse appears, it escalates. 

As an individual you won't be able to stop the escalation. Only law enforcement, the keeping of records with law enforcement so that they know where to look if you come up missing or dead, voicing clear boundaries, getting lawyers and domestic violence counselors involved, and restraining orders can stop the trajectory, and even then, an abuser will try to find work-arounds and loopholes. I talk about their work-arounds later in this section.

Remember those who have no empathy don't play by the same rules.

Monday, December 19, 2022

The Betrayal of the Left

 175 years of scholarship down the drain in an instant (

"Indeed, many of the loudest critics of capital, corporations, and the state became the point of the spear for the Pharma fascist takeover of society under the guise of Covid (Noam Chomsky, Naomi Klein, Micah White, George Lakoff, and Slavoj Žižek to name a few, but really the instinct to take a dive at the worst time is dominant throughout this class).

This intellectual and moral black hole has also afflicted academic-adjacent bougie left institutions — The Atlantic Magazine, The New Yorker, Salon, Slate, the Huffington Post, the New Republic, the Nation, Mother Jones, Jacobin, NOW, NAACP, ACLU, AFL-CIO, etc.

Left academic-types who did not fall for this fascist nonsense and practiced the courage of their convictions by speaking out against the iatrogenocide are few and far between. I’m grateful for the work of CJ Hopkins, Naomi Wolf, Fabio Vighi, Giorgio Agamben, Mattias Desmet, and the extraordinary Mark Crispin Miller — but after that the list falls off precipitously. (If you can think of others please add them to the comments.)

The academic right has also been AWOL during this crisis for the most part (but I will leave it to others to call them out). The exception to this statement is the Brownstone Institute, a libertarian think tank that has done absolutely brilliant work throughout the pandemic and deserves our support."

Make sure to read the comments too. Lots there.

Monday, December 12, 2022

Dying Immune Systems from the Vaxx? Virus? or Both?

 Are people getting sick where you live? What about RSV? I've read about the "Strep A" killing children in the UK. Are any of you noticing that people seem sick all the time now? It's depressing like the world is nothing but a petri dish. 

Remember Dr. Bhakdi's warnings? He said other diseases would be spreading like wildfire because the vaxxes destroy the immune system. I watched these warnings in 2021. They seem to be coming true. Some people believe that the virus Covid also dampens down your immune system. I believe the vaxxes are doing it, but that is a possibility too. 

Comments - Kids and Young People Targeted by Bill Gates' Exercise, "Catastrophic Contagion" (

Dr. Mengele 2.0 Retires

 This monster should see the inside of a prison cell. 

Friday, November 25, 2022

New Channel About Scapegoating!


Here's a new channel for scapegoats, or now ex-scapegoats! Mandeville's book looks interesting and I plan to order it. She points out a lot of worthwhile facts about the scapegoating family system. I am glad someone is addressing what happens to those who are scapegoated by their entire families.