Saturday, March 31, 2012

My husband is sick

Well this week, my husband has took very ill such as in bedridden can barely walk, sick to the max, illness. I fear for his health and have been worried. He is in bed now after I made him lunch. He may not end up in the hospital, but his attacks of gout can be severely debilitating. Our life has been too stressful lately and for him, a vacation from the daily grind and money problems probably could do wonders but is impossible. Thankfully this is not an illness like cancer or something even worse but one that usually has an end point though it is chronic and recurring. I have faced this before, around 10 years ago they thought he was having a heart attack, no blockages were found to our relief. Thank God by then, I had lost some weight and by then could drive a little bit in our small town when he was put into the hospital for a week.

It's kind of scary, because then we both are hobbling on canes, and while I can walk better, I still can't walk normally. It is good, I have more stamina where I can haul a few bags of groceries into the apt, and even a gallon jug once or twice, though I coughed to do the latter. Two years ago there is no way, I could carry three gallon jugs of water into the apt building from the parking lot. Sometimes keeping this stamina or even improving it, really has been about survival issues.

Today he crawled out to the car, to do the driving which was too much for me to handle, while I did the going into various stores and places, even though it got cold and my asthma was in full sway, it was just warm enough where I was not housebound and I was able to get the electric bill paid and buy a few groceries. Sometimes such days as this really bring forward, how aging and disability can impact one's life and how it can bring worries about the future.

I worry for him, this is times where I wish I was a more normal HEALTHY wife, even with a few selfish thoughts of what does one do when when my defacto caretaker gets sick? It's kind of scary. It's not an easy thing to think about. One thing about being super-obese is you do require more care and help then others. I am fortunate I can still cook and clean to a degree but definitely cannot do things to the level of a normal person. Sometimes it can be the worse, wondering if you are meeting someone else's needs. You also wonder what toll YOURS have made on them.

Unlike many people out there, I and my husband outside of a network of kind loving friends-most long distance, acouple local, really do not have relatives who can help us when it comes to physical matters. I felt blessed that one of our neighbors was kind enough to help him into the house, supporting him along the way, letting him put his weight on his shoulder. When you meet kind people like that it warms your heart. Other friends this week also looked out for me in ways that were quite a blessing too. So I am praying for him, and hoping he feels better soon.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"Animals and 6-Month-Old Infants Are Getting Fatter … Which Mean that It’s Something In the Environment"

This is a MUST-READ. Please read the entire article at the link!

These studies prove we are all being bamboozled by the "IT'S YOUR Lack of Willpower!" lies

Animals and 6-Month-Old Infants Are Getting Fatter … Which Mean that It’s Something In the Environment

The animals are getting fatter too!

We’ve extensively documented that toxic chemicals in our food, water and air our causing an epidemic of obesity … even in 6 month old infants.
No matter how lazy and gluttonous adults may have become recently, 6-month-olds can’t be lazy … they can’t even walk, let alone go to the gym.
And 6-month-olds can’t “binge” … Gerber doesn’t make corn dogs or milk chocolate truffles with rum.
The same thing is being observed in animals … hardly your stereotypical couch potatoes.
Specifically, the Proceeding of the Royal Society published a scientific paper in 2010 showing that animals – as well as humans – are getting hit with more obesity:

Another article discussing the fattening of animals including even lab animals who have a controlled diet.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Living Life


I did take some time to enjoy myself, and since spring has come very very early, this was definitely more possible. I am the type who wants to smell the roses and look at nature, and went out and took photographs of sunsets the other day, and some of the local scenery. One sunset picture turned out very good, even though it was taken from a moving car of a friend. In another life, I think I could have been a photographer.

 I live in an area with some scenic beauty so my life has daily visual eye candy. I checked out some new books, did a bible study, went to a book club, and read a 600 page graphic novel and a book on pricing antiques and have spent the week helping husband do some online ebay, and making salads and the other day, I made baked eggrolls. They digested well, and had lots of vegetables so that was a positive.  Why mess around with fried? Today has been spent online, cooking and various cleaning tasks, but I have noticed a little more stamina which is good.

  I've had some pensive moments as of late, I know I need to see my nieces and nephews more and want to work on connecting with them more since they live so far away, and the other moving issue was settled. I got through to the other family member. I know for me personally roots and having a place of belonging is important, something modern life has taken away from too many. I said, "I need a home" to them too. I've told some members of my family, we should have never moved away from each other!

   One thing, I think is important in life, is having meaning to one's life. I sometimes am thankful to God, I got knocked off the hamster wheel even if was not by choice, one gift of that or should I say silver lining of the cloud was having time to study and learn things on my own and being able to have more time to commit to hobbies like stamp collecting. Sometimes as an outside observer, I think stop running around people and go have fun! Go sit in the sun the other day like I did and watch the birds.

The Real Cause of the Global Obesity Epidemic

"The REAL Cause of the Global Obesity Epidemic"

This is a very interesting article. I have printed snippets but please go see the whole thing, at the link.

I didn't know even the young babies were getting fatter...[which as this article says means something is going on beyond bad behavior and lowered will-power. A three month old is not old enough to go nosh down the french fries and hamburgers.

[Bad habits] cannot explain the ballooning of one particular segment of the population, a segment that doesn’t go to movies, can’t chew, and was never that much into exercise: babies. In 2006 scientists at the Harvard School of Public Health reported that the prevalence of obesity in infants under 6 months had risen 73 percent since 1980. “This epidemic of obese 6-month-olds,” as endocrinologist Robert Lustig of the University of California, San Francisco, calls it, poses a problem for conventional explanations of the fattening of America. “Since they’re eating only formula or breast milk, and never exactly got a lot of exercise, the obvious explanations for obesity don’t work for babies,” he points out. “You have to look beyond the obvious.”
The search for the non-obvious has led to a familiar villain: early-life exposure to traces of chemicals in the environment. Evidence has been steadily accumulating that certain hormone-mimicking pollutants, ubiquitous in the food chain, have two previously unsuspected effects. They act on genes in the developing fetus and newborn to turn more precursor cells into fat cells, which stay with you for life. And they may alter metabolic rate, so that the body hoards calories rather than burning them, like a physiological Scrooge. “The evidence now emerging says that being overweight is not just the result of personal choices about what you eat, combined with inactivity,” says Retha Newbold of the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS) in North Carolina, part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH). “Exposure to environmental chemicals during development may be contributing to the obesity epidemic
As you can see they get into many issues, I have discussed before on this blog. For goodness sakes what are they doing to our food? FATTENING UP CHICKENS AND PIGS WITH ARSENIC? 

Pthalates – commonly used in many plastics – have been linked to obesity. See this and this. So has a chemical used to make Teflon and other products.
Most of the meat we eat these days contains estrogen, antibiotics and powerful chemicals which change hormone levels. Modern corn-fed beef also contains much higher levels of saturated fat than grass-fed beef. So the meat we are eating is also making us fat.
Antibiotics also used to be handed out like candy by doctors. However, ingesting too many antibiotics has also been linked to obesity, as it kills helpful intestinal bacteria. See this and this.
Arsenic may also be linked with obesity, via it’s effect on the thyroid gland. Arsenic is often fed to chickens and pigs to fatten them up, and we end up ingesting it on our dinner plate. It’s ending up in other foods as well.
The National Research Council has also found:
The effects of fluoride on various aspects of endocrine function should be examined further, particularly with respect to a possible role in the development of several diseases or mental states in the United States.
Some hypothesize that too much fluoride affects the thyroid gland, which may in turn lead to weight gain.


In the same way that the financial crisis, BP oil spill and Fukushima nuclear disaster were caused by fraud and greed, we are daily exposed to obesity-causing chemicals because companies
make an extra buck by lying about what is in their product, cutting every corner in the book, and escaping any consequences for their health-damaging actions.
In fattening their bottom line, the fat cats are creating an epidemic of obesity for the little guy. 

I agree, this is the foundation of the Obesity Conspiracy I refer to, also this is what I am talking about when I say size acceptance when it advances FAT, instead of FAT PEOPLE is actually advancing this agenda. After all if fat people are going to be told, ACCEPT YOUR FAT, why would anyone ask any of these questions? The profiteers continue untouched and the profit mill keeps running on. For you see it helps them to blame the victims rather then let truth be told:

Years ago, I wrote this essay...circa 2001.

"The Real Causes of the Obesity Epidemic"

Poisoned Endocrine Systems: Bloating Bodies

There is a basic increase in endocrine diseases due to environmental poisonings. Higher estrogen in the environment is leading to smaller sperm counts and now one in every seven couples is infertile. This is something never seen before. Hormonal diseases that used to be rare, like PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), hypothyroidism and diabetes are now worsening in number. Scientists alone have identified 51 synthetic chemicals in our environment that disrupt hormones. Some mimic estrogen, which is a hormone that adds weight, especially in women, and others conflict with testosterone and thyroid. Among them include everything from PCBs, Dioxin and Furans, many from heavily-used pesticides on our food supply.
Girls are even entering puberty earlier due to these factors, which is leading to higher body weights at early ages. The obesity epidemic has been blamed on higher rates of weight due to the increased insulin (the cart before the horse syndrome again) and leptin from the fat cells. However, the article "Teens Before Their Time" in Time magazine points out: 
"The most prominent effect, reported last spring in the Journal of Pediatrics, was the boys exposed to DDE and girls exposed to PCBs were heavier than their unexposed peers at age 14. The study also noted an intriguing fact: girls with high prenatal PCB exposure tended to hit the first stages of puberty a bit earlier than others."

I found out about PCB, and found even that study buried at Pubmed, there are many more of them. Looks like some others are asking those hard questions too!  I need to explore that arsenic thing too. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

"I used to be 803 lbs"

I found this website online today called "I used to be 803lbs", I found his story to be very interesting. He went through years of suffering and not being diagnosed and had severe weight gains and was later diagnosed with a severe hormonal disorder. He went the WLS option and died after three years of being bedbound due to complications. He had more videos on Youtube.  Here is a video describing his story, he was on Entertainment Tonight. In the ET video it said he had been housebound for a year. I find myself thinking why did they think WLS would work on a severe hormonal disorder but I understood why he took this gamble having suffered so much at 800lbs. Seeing the love of his friend and of his very pretty wife who stood by him, this is a very emotion-filled story for me.

"I used to be 803lbs"

"Waiting for my real life to begin"

Waiting for My Real Life is about living with obesity. It’s especially a love story and a tragedy. Jeremy Norman died at just 23 after spending more than 3 years bedridden because of complications following gastric bypass surgery. Throughout this time his wife Roberta and his family stood by him and took care of him.

Denise, Jessa, and Fran also tell their stories with happier outcomes.

The film also features several of Washington’s outspoken public interest lawyers who are pushing the fast food industry to make healthy choices available in their restaurants and to let their customers know the fat, salt, and sugar content of what they are eating. Doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request.

Then Karre Norum, a prof at the University of Oslo talks about fast food as the death of the culture of food — a much deeper problem.

Disability Rights, What Happened at My Health Class, and Being Severely Obese

The severely obese are pariahs even in some of the disability rights community or were when I had contact with it many years ago. Even though many severely obese have other health problems--I had chronic and severe lung problems even before I became severely obese, and have gone mostly deaf and for the readers of this blog I do not have to list again the other health problems, but this is something I want to talk about. Because it is happening.

Years and years ago, I contacted a owner of a disability rights magazine, I wanted to write an article regarding the severely obese and my experiences with weight gain, this was more then 10 years ago. I was turned down flat and told that being severely obese was not "real disability". I moved on, but the editor of this magazine who I got the phone number from a now deceased friend, was actually ABUSIVE to me. Why? The super-fat weren't really disabled but were at fault for their condition.

Another time, this was when my weight was higher and I was having more mobility problems years ago, I was seeking information about a wheelchair. I had not made the decision to buy one. In fact even while a friend told me I should get one to be able to go more places, I feared losing abilities so put it off. I do own a scooter but without a lift, it is useless to use even at local art fairs and flea markets. So unless its a big grocery store with a scooter, the places I go are ones where I can walk. My husband used to lift into the scooter into the van but now is too unhealthy himself to manage all that. I went onto a wheelchair forum, I talked to the people, some who were paralyzed and I considered their problems more severe then my own and when they found out why I may need a wheelchair, they became abusive, talking about how the fat butts [they used a different word] deserved what they got and shouldn't have any wheelchairs, and they could lose weight while they were trapped forever, and fat people were disgusting. They went to town. I even told a few on that message board how I gained the weight, it did not matter. Due to the sheer numbers and degree of vitriol, I left.

Well the other day in my health class, I have stayed in the class because of the information gained. They have given me new ideas to help my health, so I have stuck it out, but it has been very difficult. I have gotten the scathing know-it all looks. The subtle rejection, where no one talks to me. This is a re-run of the Weight Watchers meeting of 2008 where I was totally ignored. The women running it are very corporate and rigid types though this is a volunteer gig for them have refused much bonding within the group and have run it like clock-work. I feel like I am condemned in there and I know I am, because one day, as I was sitting there wheezing a bit, the weather had turned warm--not quite to housebound status, and annoying some lady next to me, I just happened to turn my head, and saw that she had written in her notebook, in very large letters, "I am going to tell them, they need to screen people better for this class, not just let some person in who is overweight who has no chronic health problems."

Outside of thinking, who does this pinched up, extremely thin lady think she is? I found that so absurd. Clear the weight away, and I still would not be an icon of health. Even if some is obesity co-morbs, if I and that lady wanted to do an autoimmune throw down, I'd "win" hands down.

Well at that point I got a chance, to speak for myself. I didn't tell her I saw what she wrote, and the "facilitators" told us to talk to the person next to us, to discuss a health challenge regarding communication that was troubling us, and go down this problem solving list with a partner.

I told her, my problem was fat prejudice and not being listened to because people are ignorant about obesity and that my life has even been endangered before because of this.

She turned a bit red. I got rather forceful as she tried to rapidly change the subject, this isn't a science experiment here, now listen.

She took her turn describing her health problems, some of which were serious.....

but you wonder how there is absolutely no compassion out there. I said a few things but then exited the room early.

One thing I know I've had to do over the years to survive, and a very good friend even brought this up to me, is I have learned to hide pain, suffering and vulnerability.
I have learned the hard way when you are severely obese, you are marked as at fault for everything that is wrong with you, by that way that includes even non-fat things like hearing and the world's sympathy does not exist. I am of the person who is of the mind to do for others and get what you can out of your life but I have often pondered this one and how the treatment itself impacted my health and stress levels. I feel stressed and kind of "scared" around the health class people. They seem really cold to me and without empathy. I have stayed in to gain information to be useful to myself but now I have no misgivings about how I am viewed. Seriously it's scary out there, and wonder what others may go through.

One of the facilitators, even called me last night, and said "Did you take that library book"? Semi-accusing me of stealing a library book from the room. She had handed me this book on a subject they had ended on, and said, "We are done with this, and hey you can check this out", I said Sure, but then changed my mind while out in the library and returned the book into the library bookdrop. She told me on the phone, "I told them you had taken the book without checking it out!". I said "Why didn't you ask them to see if they had it?" She doesn't know that I check out 10-15 books a week from the library, the librarians know me, I do poetry seminars there, I'd be the last person to march out of this library and rip it off. She changed tactics and said fast, "Oh you were so nice to return it!". Alrighty then.

The mind boggles.

For those who are severely obese there are so few soft places to fall. I also think to myself, people with chronic health problems, who are normal sized or even midsized and more normal, are not facing this the same way. The condemnation of the severe obese is so ingrained, so severe, that I believe it does impact people's health quite severely. I probably am a superfat woman that got lucky even finding a few medical professionals that were more understanding, but remember it's not just medical people but other support staff. How do normal people view the severely obese? Not very well.

The severely obese out in the world often do need services that range from respiratory therapy, to social workers. While nice and good people pop up everywhere, there have been some major doozies.

I tell God, "Yes I am the modern leper", and it has brought some strength of character, but sometimes the pain, is not easy. What is scary is you can brush your hair, put on a nice dress, and stand up straight and with confidence and some out there will still try and wear you down. My husband says I should stand up to the ladies running the health class, I am not sure. We all need to the help of someone. I do plan to write a few opinions in the survey. There is only two more.

Back to the disability rights, though, my experiences at the health class reminded me of those 15 year old memories. There are probably are some safe places for the severely obese in disability rights, but this is a problem that should be watched out for.

I went and ran a search for disability rights and the severely obese and could not find much. Maybe I need to reword things but would like to find out more.

My 600lb life #1: Getting Made Fun of in Public

I related to Melissa Morris, though I think the husband is unrealistic about "starting a family", someone at 600lbs may just look at being able to get down to the 300lbs and will have more incredible health issues to contend with. Also one thing that crosses any disabled person's mind leaving the extreme of eugenics out of it, is will any child inherit my problems? I pondered that but I was mostly infertile.

When I married I told my husband pointing to the lack of cycles there would be no children and he would have to go into the marriage with his eyes open, which he did without regret in my case fortunately Of course I only saw part of this episode so did not know if she had eating addiction problems or not. I probably weigh around 90-100lbs less then where she is at now, but have been her size and way over too.

The part where the man chortles at her, and says "If you get bigger, you just get a bigger damn wagon", that hit home. That sort of stuff has happened to me, fortunately in my case, I lived in small towns where this was less of a problem, and I became more well known--if you become part of the usual landscape, mocking is actually far less of a problem. I do wish she had not cried but had confronted the nasty men instead. I have gone up to people like that and done everything but have a stare down, remark on any shortcomings I could come up with, and asked, "Who do you think you are?" but I have a little bit of a temper I sometimes have to try and control. Obesity is the one health problem people feel like they can mock you and at the great weights it is a horrible problem. When I was over 600lbs, my mocking was far worse. It never ended. I was a circus show on constant display in one big city.

In fact I choose to live in small towns [will never live in any place over 25,000 in population] because in places where people know more of each other, and where I live now borders on too large but the culture here is more reticient and I have to worry more about the scathing looks rather then anyone actually saying anything nasty to me. Melissa took the full brunt of it there in the store. Maybe I carry myself in a way where they worry about what I would do.

I didn't see the rest of the show, saw only part of it on TV and this video of course. I think she goes on to have WLS. I have serious misgivings about WLS but always hope for the best for anyone who is challenged by the problems with severe obesity. Her husband does seem to really love her. I do hope the children thing does not get in the way. Very fat women who do not have PCOS or even those with PCOS who have a rare ovulation hit, can and do get pregnant, but it is very dangerous at the extreme high sizes.

Speaking of those obesity researchers, someone needs to do a psychological and sociological survey of what it means to be open to ridicule just by the facet of your body size and how this is intertwined with them thinking you have total control.

Video: Why Overweight and Poverty Go Hand In Hand

This is not an endorsement of RT, but definite truths here as well. The narrator is right about how they blame the individuals while they pour in the poison. The choices are structured by the companies who sell us calories. The poor fall more victim to this system too, they are correct about this as well.

Two interesting comments I got from the Youtube website.
Having been a part of the working poor for the duration of my childhood, I can say that the studies have missed what my brother and I dub as the "paycheck meal." Often, blue collar families will eat the most and the best right after getting their paycheck and then have nothing left at the end of the month. This constant binge and withdrawal slows the metabolism and leads to unhealthy eating habits that are hard to break.

I eat far better at the start of a month then I do later as a general trend In fact, it has not escaped my notice there is a pattern to my digestive problems where I have more fruits and vegetables there is far less of a problem. This when I can afford to have more salads, fruits and variety. The blue collar theory above, fits this household. We have times of plenty and want, it would be worse without generous friends who bring meals etc, but it is what it is.

This person sums things up quite well:
There are chemicals in processed food designed to make you crave more, make you eat more, hence get fatter, eat more, and on and on. It's a trap to SELL you more so the corporations can PROFIT from obesity. It's all about the money...Then there's the issue that this mix of chemicals, overtime, is leading to cancer, so then big pharma makes money from your disease. In the process of poisoning you, corporations prosper, and you die "young," thus helping control the world population explosion.

It's all about profit.

When I talk about my problems with size acceptance, such things are ignored. I see size acceptance where they want fat promoted, [fat people should BE helped and not discriminated against] as part of this overall system, where fat Americans will not ask some questions about why are we growing so huge? Where they will be given two non-choices, told they must accept their growing obesity, and embrace their obesity and for the larger side of the spectrum, their ill health or to be one with the WLS, failed diet industry where life becomes a march of condemnation, pain, suffering and false assumptions that people can control their body sizes.

The Obesity Industrial Complex

This is not an endorsement of RT, but definitely truths in this video. The main point? "LOOK WHO'S PROFITING FROM OBESITY?" Obesity brings profits. While they blame individuals for being fat, they have set up a hyper-obesogenic environment.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Snippets of My Medical Records

I got my medical records. I was reading through to get more answers in trying to figure out where to take things. Lately I have had some improvements with bad medical stuff which is good. I've had 10 days without a bowel attack which is a miracle for me, but not sure if its sunshine and lots of vegetables or what? Since I have been outside in the sun, I wonder if my low vit D problems are causing some of the digestive problems?  Sometimes I ponder odd things like this. Hey whatever works! I am also reading one commenter's health information with apt attention, and want to thank her, a lot makes sense.

My main objective in getting my old records, is to show I was diagnosed with PCOS OFFICIALLY to the present endocrinologist. This is just two snippets of many pages, with personal information taken out, including that of the old doctor. My day to day doctors have all the old records. The new day to day doctor thankfully is a kind and compassionate person, thank God!

Two things I found out recently the doctors told me I was 5'7 remember when I was complaining about that and worried because I was 5'11 most of my life-they measured me at school multiple times and later so I knew....? well husband and I were standing next to a door measurer at the DMV while getting our car registration, and I found out I really am only 5'7, I was 5'11 for years, so that is one of the oddest things. One doctor told me very fat people can shrink? Can my readers tell me if this is true or not? One told me the weight compressed the spine. Of course others have pointed to the endocrine and other factors.

Since getting these records, I also did not know I was diagnosed with COPD as early as 10 years ago, the doctors referred to it as "asthma" but it makes sense since chronic bronchitis and other breathing problems came my way very early even before the weight.

I did get diagnosed with those hyper-adrenal hormones way back then, remember I was working so hard to get to the bottom of my severe weight gain,   hyperadolsteronism  which is odd, since I was on   hyperadolsteronism [blood pressure-adolsterone]  lowering drugs. I still remember the two high cortisol test. Here is a picture of one. The doctor back then he did dexamethosone tests which was negative and I even got an adrenal CT scan, where they were unable to find any tumors or enlargement on. He was a kind doctor, and kept me going probably a lot longer then I would have been and was the doctor who diagnosed the original PCOS. Since these records were done, I am on a lot more Metformin, one more diabetes drug and am on .475 of Synthroid a day and these records do not touch some other health problems related to cardiology.

I guess you all can know now I am a real person....

Postscript on this one, I was lied to about the grandmother's weight, she never went above the low 200s.

Could Air Pollution Be Making People Fat?

Could air pollution be making people fat?

I don't know this seems like more global warming stuff, but using fat people to advance the cause...

Steadily rising levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere may be affecting brain chemistry, increasing appetite and contributing to the obesity epidemic, according to a new hypothesis, which still awaits rigorous testing and inevitable debate.

The idea proposes that breathing in extra CO2 makes blood more acidic, which in turn causes neurons that regulate appetite, sleep and metabolism to fire more frequently. As a result, we might be eating more, sleeping less and gaining more weight, partly as a result of the air we breathe.

Major studies are in the works to test the hypothesis, which is still very much in the what-if stage. But if the link pans out, the research would offer yet another reason to reduce the CO2 we produce, while also potentially inspiring new obesity treatments.

Wouldn't that mean that people in metro cities would be far fatter then ones in rural and more remote areas? At least this time they aren't blaming the fat people for global warming, remember when they said we were causing them to have to use more gas on airplanes and have turned it around.

I consider global warming a hoax, this year is warm but we froze until May last year. Of course last year in the news, they stuck to the term "climate change" as we dug through a foot of snow, now that we are having a warm spell, they are calling it GLOBAL WARMING again...

Wish they'd make their minds up...

That said, I had an asthma doctor tell me once that people with asthma/COPD, could see their metabolisms drop and have problems losing weight or not gaining because they weren't being oxygenated as well. I can agree that the world is far more polluted, that is for sure, Co2 levels or not.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Dropping out, Modern Life and Me

I want to drop out of modern American life.

How one can do this with a CPAP machine and tethered to a vast array of prescription drugs? Guess it's unlikely to happen but it's something I think about. I'm just barely staying out of the nursing home now.

I realize that modern American life, with it's stress, bad food, toxic environment, lack of social connections, and cultural slop has poisoned my body and nearly poisoned my mind. My body with its cracked up endocrine system, destroyed lungs was an over-taxed canary in the gold mine. Add to that being the only emotional "artist" personality in a family full of stoic personalities who I feel farther and farther away from each year and endless moving via desperation and the stage was set for misery.

God keeps me going, but lately I am asking Him, what do I do with my life? I feel like I am all chained up and I want to be free. Being fat in itself is enough of a prison. The size acceptance types will tell you to love your prison just like Orwell was told to love Big Brother. Is anyone else thinking the way, I am?

How about those of us, who dare to say something is wrong here, the fat is a symptom? That all the jacked up cortisol of the never-ending grind, is making our bodies bloat like crazy?

My body is mal-nutritioned despite my best efforts, it is pumping out hormones like mad all over the place, why has it been so hard to get the help I have needed?

They always argued nurturance vs genetics. What if you know something is missing? What if you are tired of struggling in a society that on one side tells you to deny reality or the other side that blames you with every step you take? How about telling them both to take a jump in the lake?

Where can a big fat disabled woman drop out to?

Yes I fantasize about having been born Amish. I explore Intentional Communities and Co-housing links online. I want a place to belong. I want to be a person, where there are people around who care and who I can care about IN PERSON,  and actual community with neighbors that speak to one another and everything isn't about the career and success. Perhaps all of this is from being separated from too many people over a lifetime. Perhaps this is realizing the American dream is smoke and mirrors and one's own body reflects what is missing.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life just speaking to people through screens. Blogs serve a purpose, and I plan to continue, but does anyone know what I mean there? Where one's life becomes more virtual then real. I want REAL food, that I do not have to pay a bunch of money for, which is scarily growing more and more inaccessible and less affordable.

If I was 20 again, I would have dropped out. I would have gone elsewhere and looked for a different way of life.  There is some choice when it comes to being happy, but it's obvious I already lost the rat race anyhow. Now what do I do with myself? I am middle aged, I refuse to end up forgotten and alone in some nursing home, fat or not.

Food Insecurity While Fat

Towards the end of last month, there was no money for food. I became disabled and had my weight gain during the first life crash, I am even kind of more frightened as to what may happen THIS TIME as a second one appears to be looming. By the way poverty strains relationships and chips away at quite a bit of other things.

When one has food allergies and the food pantry gives you tuna, dairy products and endless boxes of macaroni and cheese you cannot eat, that's a problem. And no, they do not listen to any special requests. I even ended up basically having someone bring me food from a soup kitchen during one weekend.

I found myself eating a few things because they were what I could get. One thing I have noticed is many thin people I know their homes are full of endless food, they can eat whenever they want. They do not have to worry about the food not being there, when they want it to be. When I used to visit church members and other friends and see the pantries full of real food it used to astound me.

What always gets me is it's always the meat and fresh fruit and vegetables that disappear first leaving endless starches. The starch and carbohydrates are numerous while everything else disappears. You can only eat so many beans while being a diabetic. I end up eating too many noodles when we are poor, stretch out meat or tomato sauce to flavor some cheap spaghetti. I even bought some processed meat which was on sale but turned out to be a mistake health wise. Images of fresh salads went through my head which I really wanted as I opened up my pathetically empty refrigerator.

I find myself having a harder time coming up with good or healthy meals. I tell my husband let's just skip that meal, but he says "you are diabetic"! A few times I find myself scrounging. I haven't been eating at regular meal times again, I have been eating too late at night because we have to scrape our last pennies together to eat. The groceries are getting more expensive, far more expensive. Imagine trying to avoid MSG, high fat and endless food allergies that make you sick? If I could just buy cheaper frozen food it would be a win-win, but just will not work.

You know its weird to me, why am I so fat? I am not even secure in food. Even today I am thinking make sure to save this and that in the refrigerator since we went grocery shopping yesterday. I am finding it harder to do decent meal planning.

This may sound weird but when I am food insecure I fear gaining weight. It is even hard to explain that one to people.

See "Food Insecurity and Subsequent Weight Gain in Women"

Some Morbidly Obese People Are Missing Genes, Shows New Research

Some Morbidly Obese People Are Missing Genes, Shows New Research

A small but significant proportion of morbidly obese people are missing a section of their DNA, according to research published February 3 in Nature. The authors of the study, from Imperial College London and ten other European Centres, say that missing DNA such as that identified in this research may be having a dramatic effect on some people's weight.

I found this study very interesting, I actually have wanted genetic testing, but wasn't sure how to make it happen. My body is so 'different", even my mouth is extremely small. Even before I have pondered if I have some form of Prader Willi-unable to lose weight like a normal person and keeping on so much weight. As as I have said many fat people's bodies work differently especially in these higher weights.

Eric Schlosser Talks Food and Class

Video: Eric Schlosser Talks Food and Class

I agree with him that our current food system is broken. Even if one thinks about how all the food must be shipped in from so far away, the costs will only grow more immense. I read his book Fast Food Nation where he warned about how our food is produced. Good food is growing more inaccessible as our food is adulterated and made more and more unhealthy for profits.

One of the most effective arguments against transforming our food system is the class one: Sure, it's great if well-heeled coastal urbanites want to pay up for food grown without chemicals, but that kind of agriculture can never be productive enough to feed poor people. For that reason, we need monocropped fields of corn and soy, factory-scale livestock operations, and annual monsoons of agrochemical.

In this view, food system reform advocates like me are raging elitists, and Big Food institutions like McDonald's and Walmart are populist champions of the working poor.

I call it the two-food-systems solution: a niche local-organic one for the few willing to pay up; a dominant chemical-driven one for everyone else. In essence, that model describes what has evolved here in the United States over the past 20 years: vibrant islands of farmers markets and CSAs in a vast swamp chemically produced calories.

Definitely true:

 "Access to good, healthy food shouldn't be reserved for a privileged few. It should be a basic right. And the changes being made at the community level need to be translated into changes at the state and federal level. At the moment, the law too often favors corporate interests over the public interest. The fast food chains and agribusiness companies are earning large profits, while shifting even larger costs onto the rest of society. The game has been rigged in favor of the powerful and well connected, at the expense of everyone else.
The industrial model has caused enormous damage, in a remarkably brief period of time, and we have no choice but to seek a better one. We have no choice but to help those who are being sickened, impoverished, and abused. Because a food system based on poverty and exploitation will never be sustainable."

I hate stories like this

"Eating Herself to Death"

"It’s a barely fathomable number, and one which now affords Brenda the dubious distinction of being Britain’s fattest woman. 
It’s a title previously held by Sharon Mevsimler, who weighed in at 45st before her death two years ago of a heart attack, aged 41. She had, effectively, eaten herself to death. 
So now we have Brenda, a year older, but weighing much the same and heading the same way — an extreme case even in a country battling growing levels of obesity. 
Brenda’s weight is so limiting that she has not been outside her overheated two-bedroomed bungalow home in Gateshead, Tyne and Wear, for four years, and she requires a team of carers seven days a week to help her with basic functions such as washing and eating. 
Most days, she barely leaves her bed, eking out her hours watching television amid piles of clutter, playing on her laptop and, of course, consuming the chocolate bars and pop that make up the lion’s share of her 6,000 calorie-a-day diet. 
With its commode, safety rail and buzzers to call for help, her bungalow looks as if it has been equipped for a frail pensioner, not a woman who should be in the prime of her life.
It is a profoundly depressing situation — not least if you are a taxpayer and therefore footing the bill for Brenda’s care. She receives £300 in weekly benefits and it costs her local council an additional £400 a week to fund the twice-daily visits by her carers. 
But Brenda’s plight is also highly distressing, and baffling too.
Ok it's the Mail Online known as being tabloidish even in England.

I hate stories like this....Maybe this woman truly is overweight from eating addiction but you wonder if women like this get offered money to pose with a bunch of food like a modern circus side show? If she has all those carers why aren't they cooking decent food for her? Whose buying all that soda and chocolate? My weight is close to this woman but add a half of foot of height.

What is scary to me about this story is the people all clamoring against her getting aides and help. Even if she has an eating disorder what is their solution toss her into the streets to die? Why isn't that being dealt with? Are the aides buying the soda? As society grows more impoverished and governments short on cash, trust me I fear even my own future. Social workers and the like also share fat prejudice, trust me on that one. They don't care about what they consider "your excuses".

If anything if that is this lady's true diet and not the circus side show stunt, if anything she has gained weight via malnutrition outside of endless fats and sugars. What is on the mind of someone portraying themselves this way? For the money? Just saying this is my reality? One wants to grimace even at the indignity of it all.

That apartment of hers, don't know if she is in a home, looks boring, put a picture on the wall for goodness sakes! Get her some books!

Poor woman. Of course I could tell you that I think even Diet Pop [yeah notice it says DIET COKE] fattens people up. That stuff is poison.