Monday, December 24, 2018

Cards I Made

Most of my cards have reached my friends so I don't think they would mind me sharing some here. I have been working on watercolor and pen and inks with watercolor.  I have a lot of art projects still to work on. By the way Happy Holidays to my readers too!

Shadow Daughter

Shadow Daughter

I found this book at the library and I am reading it now. It has mentions of the ACON world and "raised by narcissists" and even those horrible estranged parents websites where the parents talk about how their material investments in their wayward children did not pay off.  It focuses on the estrangements, I will add more when I am done with it.  It is recommended so far.

Things Lost into Another Dimension?


Things always seem to disappear on me.
How did I lose a giant pair of pink underwear? I even wondered if they got scooped up with a trash bag but my husband said he looked inside the trash bag and he would have seen them. I often ask questions like why couldn't some dish cloth or rag disappear, instead of an item of clothing I really need? Sometimes I have weird magical thoughts about things disappearing into another dimension. Oh I had him check the trash, but our trashman was on the spot yesterday and the trash receptacle was empty. I get weird about underwear at this size, because they are hard to come by, so I was definitely frustrated. Do other people have things like this happen?

The Journey

Monday, December 17, 2018

Lipedema Warrior Promotes Body-Positivity

"A BOLD lymphedema sufferer is embracing her jiggle after years of being ashamed of her condition. Cara Cruz, 36, from New Brighton, Pennsylvania, developed lipoedema and lymphedema as a teenager and the growing problem had a devastating impact on her confidence. But after starting an Instagram on a dare from her boyfriend, Cara burst out of her shell and into the body positive community and now she is determined to flaunt her curves. Through her 25,000 Instagram following and meet ups with Yinz’s Bopo group, the curvaceous beauty hopes to inspire more people to start their own journey to self love."

I have had new thoughts about self love and the body positive movement since my deconversion. I have kind of mellowed out about a few things including the burden fundamentalist Christianity put on my back about "modesty" and one's body. I have noticed myself opening up more towards body-positivity activists. It is hard to explain, but I am glad Cara Cruz has a group for support of like-minded women and is coming out to refuse the shame that is put on the back of too many fat women. It also makes me feel better that the news about Lipedema [spelled Lipoedema in the UK] is getting out there. She seems to be a stage three, and looks like she tries to live as active of a life as possible. 


John Cleese gets it too.

Calling People SnowFlakes

Grief and Trauma

The day does come when the grief ebbs away. I promise you that. I had times I never thought I'd get to that point but I did.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

You Can Only Change Yourself

A Narcissistic Family Can Spread the Smoke of Disrespect Until A Scapegoat Walks

I had a commenter post on one of the Tiffany Sedaris posts.

Someone who Agrees About Tiffany Sedaris

Here is what they said to me:

AnonymousNovember 26, 2018 at 10:50 PM
I personally knew and loved Tiffany. Met her when I was 21 in Raleigh, she was living at home and had a fun sarcastic relationship with her brother Paul and her parents. At the time Amy still lived at home and was waiting tables. 
Tiffany was hilarious but she was also very difficult. She would turn on a dime. Love you and feed you, compliment you and bend over backwards for you, and then you were dead to her because she misinterpreted something.
Years later I ended up in Boston and tracked her down. I was excited at the thought of catching up. We hung [sic] out a couple if times and then she called me accusing me of something I still don't quite understand. I was seated next to an old boyfriend of hers at a Christmas party, I didn't know,I didn't know he was her old boyfriend, she had been the one who did the breaking up so I was a little thrown by the accusation. I tried to talk to her, but she never spoke to me again. Year's later when I was in Raleigh I heard she was in town and called her dad Lou. He was very nice and wanted she and I to see one another but she wouldn't consider talking to me.
I loved Tiffany and only wished her well but she lived a life of distrust and clung to past grievances I know her stint at Elan left scars but if you are unwilling to move forward and let go that cant be blamed on her family.
Nobody knows you like family, and yes there's another side of us all that differentiates us from our family but invalidate what they ecperienced. Tiffany had some genuine problems, she would walk into burger king and talk to everyone, not individually but like she was in stage as an entertainer, and the she could just as easily start a fight. 
Maybe you should just consider that Lisa, David, Gretchen ,Amy and Paul all knew Tiffany in a way we never did. They loved her but when she was reckless it affected them, her death has left a mark on them that you clearly don't understand.
Btw, I appreciated David's New Yorker story. I'm from a family of 7, actually I'm one of those family's David refers to as 'every other' house. I grew up down the street. We went to a beach cottage one week a summer and I gave a sister who is a disrupter. She's beautiful and loving but she's exhausting and I think I understand. Maybe you should all try to also understand.

 Here was my response:

Imagine being scapegoated all the time, which includes smear campaigns, trust and spontaneity end at that door. I've had a few people [cousins and others] in the family tell me, "you gave us false accusations" but when I got down to the core of things, there was real disrespect I was reacting against.

Here is where the smoke and fog and mirrors labels the scapegoat as "difficult" where if a person was to bring up a person's ex among a normal person, they could say "Don't go there." and that would be respected, but a scapegoat, they are "paranoid", "over-reacting" and always WRONG no matter what they do or say. Maybe she erred truly and she came too quick to judgment in your case, but understand this is the back story. A scapegoat is always put in the place of having to defend themselves. 

I had to cut everyone off who chose my family and saw me as only they did. Notice here in this article how my cousin calls me "paranoid", that is the whirlwind the scapegoat gets caught in, and honestly the only way to fix it is to walk.

So did she misinterpret things? Maybe, Maybe not, but the overall abuse and disrespect that forms a scapegoat's existence is horrible. There's a few on the outer ring who may not have malicious intent. I don't think my cousin had malicious intentions, but you see he had been programmed to see me a certain way as paranoid and difficult.

This is one way a scapegoat's life can be destroyed even in subtle ways by the narcissistic smear campaigns. My rule never to live in a town as an adult that any relatives lived in I believe saved me from a lot more grief.  I couldn't trust anyone who was friendly with my mother and family for you see they infused that poison. I wasn't imagining it. I had no other choice.

Some may consider that draconian, but what else could be done? You see for I was WRONG, no matter what I said or did or in any attempts to fix the situation.
The fact you knew the rest of her family and gained a negative picture of her via them does not surprise me. You remind me of my cousin, you aren't a malicious guy or gal, you seemed to have real fond feelings for Tiffany--I believe my cousin had some for me, but the overall picture is there. You were programmed to see her as "the problem", just like what happened to me.

I do not agree with your statement, "No one knows you like family". My family does not know me and I am a stranger to them and vice versa. Did Tiffany have genuine problems? Most likely. I have problems, but those don't arise in a vacuum. It's interesting to me how the problems of others are deemed acceptable in these family systems while for others it is used as an excuse for how they are disrespected.

Her entire family were all entertainers, so she copied that example. It looked like a free-for all from what David writes with everyone competing with who can be SEEN. As for love, since I don't personally know these people, who knows, I had David's words to go on and other pieces of the puzzle, but I don't believe many scapegoats are loved. Love means respect you see, and I can tell that was lacking very much so. My family does not love me and it was something I had to face.

I was considered "exhausting" even being a quiet bookworm Aspie. Some people on first glance consider me dull and boring until they find out I have a mind. I'm no drama queen, I'm a retreater to the background if anything and an extreme introvert. But the scapegoaters labeled me a certain way. Same with Tiffany.

While the world applauds the extroversion of her siblings, her own extroversion is seen as "difficulty". No one that ever knew my family or mother ever saw me in any decent way.

 I dare say the same happened to Tiffany. Even normal human personality traits when one is scapegoated are seen as "bad" and dysfunctional. Even if she had mental illness, I can tell she was seen "at fault". Even in my own anxiety disorders and depression, I was a "bad" person even though they instigated all that to begin with. One giant cost of being a scapegoat is how disrespect becomes the smoke they walk in sometimes for life until they manage to get out. This is why so many of us end up going no contact with the entire family and even all those who knew them.

I cleaned out my own life from everyone who disrespected me because of my narcissistic family. This as many of you who are long time readers of this blog knows this included dozens of people including family friends and even two college friends. I live in a far different space now in my head and in my life, because there's no one left whose disrespecting me. I don't put up with people who put me down anymore. It has made my life far happier. There's times on this blog however when I do want to discuss some deep issues from my past. This is one where even my own horror at how badly my own reputation had been damaged from my family was a great part of my own pain years ago. This is one of the worse aspects of being scapegoated. Your name is MALIGNED and there's no fixing it no matter what you try to do. The only decision is to walk. I have warned people don't stay attached to the system thinking you can change things. Save yourself and get out.

Part of the being maligned is being told that "you won't let go" or are distrustful. How could anyone have an open and trusting nature after being abused as a scapegoat? If someone was talking to an ex, wouldn't most people be wary? Maybe a few innocents do get caught up in the walls a scapegoat has to raise to protect themselves, but then the over-all negative views of a scapegoat are poison to begin with.

 The decision that I would rather be alone, then take abuse or disrespect was a decision that changed my life. Some good friendships did survive and I have my husband, but honestly as I have written before it was shocking how far the poison had infused and how long it took me to clean it all out. This is something I think people need to be warned of in this process.

What is scary is how narcissists can program people even on outer rings to see the scapegoat in a negative fashion. This happened to me. Narcissists have a talent for programming people to always see the scapegoat as the problem. Well that's what the definition of the scapegoat, the carrier of all the family dysfunction. Many an ACON blog talks about the harm done within a family to a scapegoat's life but it often goes far further to all the family friends and even to the view of a person within a community. The smoke of disrespect leaves the narcissistic household and literally blows down the street.

This commenter claims to be a family friend of the Sedaris family and if they are being truthful on this, the fact that a family friend sees Tiffany as the "problem" too, does not surprise me. I saw this happen with many others. It is a part of the soul murder that is inconceivable  to others, but also ensures there will be no allies even in a community. I tell other ACONs avoid living in any same towns as your relatives. I believe I was saved a lot of grief by living long distance on that one alone.

I had many others tell me, your mother loves you, your family loves you, etc, but if there is no respect there is no love. That applies to all relationships.

My Mother's Second Daughter

Family Friends

Monday, November 26, 2018

Peep's Rules of Happiness for Ex-Scapegoats

1. Stay away from assholes. That one is self explanatory. If someone makes you feel bad run. I know now if I get that creepy feeling inside of feeling like I am treated like I am "nothing" or being pushed aside, it's time to wake up. Avoid criticizers, mean people, and one's who try to nit pick you or put you down.

2. Find the nice people. Contrary to your narcissist's opinions, they are out there. There are people who will care, who will help you, who will treat you like a human being and who will love you. With Aspies, this may be harder due to social challenges, but there's people out there who have renounced ableism and do not see differences as something to reject people over. "Look for the helpers"--a la Fred Rogers, and look for the kind people.

3. Realize that you aren't at fault for everything that happened. In American culture we are told that we have chosen everything that has happened to us and control [often even via our own thoughts] the outcomes of our life. Some things we did or did not choose but many things we did not. Stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault.

4. Give up trying to impress or win people's favors. Once you feel like you need to PROVE to someone that you are "good enough". The game is already lost. You never will be. You could have an amazing art show, lost tons of weight, get advanced degrees, it's not going to happen. This is a trap. You want people in your life who assume a dignity and worth for all human beings, not ones who beat you over the head with their measuring sticks.

5. Learn to just "be", not do. Native and other cultures, were connected to the spirit of life, and didn't have to prove themselves via constant competition like American culture. Busyness is a curse in this society. Take time out to think, or even to just rest and meditate. Live in the "present" as much as is possible. This is where reading about mindfulness and such things can happen.

6. "Enough is a feast"--Buddhist proverb. In American society they have us run around, always trying to do and acquire more. I understand poverty can be horrible, but here, sometimes being able to be content with "enough" can help a life. It helps one focus too on more of what is important.

7. Develop your self esteem and kindness to yourself. This was one of my greatest challenges. Scapegoats can infuse the darkness of the soul murder, even if they escape. The scapegoaters taught self hatred and loathing, and a happy life cannot be found stuck in that pit. When people aren't loved and told they aren't good enough by their brainwashed families, undoing this, I know can be hard. It is possible to love yourself too. Don't give up even if you have a bad day.

8. Acceptance. I had my own battles of banging my head on the proverbial brick wall. What if I did this, Why did things turn out to be this way? One can ruminate until the cows come home but unless we all get "time-turners" like Hermione had in the Harry Potter movies, we are stuck. There's no changing what already happened. Follow the rule of changing what you can and knowing there are things we cannot change. So you are a scapegoat that lost the entire family? You didn't chose it. They did. The day I thought, "I don't have to run anymore like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to change everything" is a day I found more peace.

9. Do what you choose to do.  Obey the law, treat others decently, etc, but this is your life, you can decide what to do with it. Going no contact, you have escaped the demands and expectations of others, who have tried to shove you into a narrow box. You don't have to worry about having your hobbies, interests or causes made fun of.  You don't have to worry anymore about becoming someone else to be loved. This is a gift no contact gave me in spades. I could be my weird self and ENJOY it. I could enjoy the mind that my narcissists hated so much and I have. Ex-scapegoats can find freedom in this that expands their lives. Here one can ask themselves what do they really want in life. Ask yourself questions like "What do I want to do?"

10. Try to avoid mean Gods. Here while I had my deconversion and desconstruction, if you are a Christian, look to a loving God not one of cruelty, who replicates the cruel deeds of your narcissists. Try and analyze your religion, is it bringing happiness or is it bringing fear? How is it leading you to treat others? If you are an atheist, or agnostic, seek after the good in life that can be had.

11. Realize that you can become an ex-scapegoat if you are new to the process of no contact and learning about narcissism.  One can get a life where all narcissistic abusers are removed. I got to the point while I still have some annoyances with paperwork and daily life, no one's abusing me. I don't have anyone nit picking me, or putting me down. I was able to stop the abuse that was the core of my life. You can too.

12. Explore the arts. Art kept me alive. It was a lifeline. It is still a major part of my life.

Do you have rules you want to add?

Create Your Own Culture

----Terence McKenna

Radical Leftist Ideology?

Another Diagnosis?

Yeah believe it or not...

Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease

Yes, I know things are to the point where it would be easier to list what is not wrong. What is scary is my body started attacking it's own skin beyond the psorasis. Sores on my forehead and hair line have been bothering me for a couple years. I blamed it on my CPAP mask, but I switched to a new one three months ago that doesn't even touch my forehead and the forehead sores won't go away. It's a giant red splotch and yes people ask about it. Wearing makeup would just make it itch and weep more.

There's other skin problems on my arms different from the psorasis and dark velvet patches on my body. I learned I got diagnosed with Dermatomyositis some time ago. That one, I probably saw on my medical records and thought it was like dermatitis and blew it off. The house call doctors also had added chronic fatigue.

It seems autoimmune related too. I think there is some muscle weakness but not sure given the other health problems. I wondered for years why I was getting giant dusky patches on my skin where it looked like the first layer of skin had been removed, and remember saying to one doctor: "My arm looks like it is getting cancer".

It seems I am right about the vasculitis, I wrote about that YEARS ago here. I have to tell the rheum, I had a skin condition for years no doctor could diagnose and I went online to see what matched it, myself. Bloody pin pricks would bust out all over my entire body and once even put me in the hospital 25 years ago. They blamed the skin sores on my weight and diagnosed me with "statis ulcers". This would keep going on for years in smaller batches. I even had a small patch break out the other day though overall it lessened. I saw dermatologists constantly in Chicago with no help or answers. Sometimes I wonder how long have I faced these things? UCTD or Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease used to be called "latent lupus".

The ANA and other tests were positive.

At least now the doctors know I am not faking it or malingering when complaining about fatigue and pain. I did make the decision NOT to go on Plaquenil which is kind of medically controversial, as it can cause retinal damage. See the comments at the link. I have a relative who took this drug and had vision problems. I wrote the doctor an email saying, "I am already almost deaf, this is too much." Things were scary, I may have to change this decision if things worsen. Yes, I am worried about dealing with the skin, pain and fatigue, but my terror of blindness outdistances this all. Being nearly deaf, I depend on my vision to live and function. Yes I know the diabetes is a danger to it too.

With severe Lipedema, there can be massive autoimmune involvement. Many women with higher stage Lipedema are diagnosed with a vast array of autoimmune disorders, oddly scary ones involving the skin seem to pop up a lot. Elhers Danlos Syndrome is one major disorder that accompanies Lipedema. I am trying to research if there is overlap with Dercums with the UCTD. Some people online wrote they had been diagnosed with UCTD first.

Pain and Falling Apart Bodies Suck

"Adult Siblings Who Turn A Blind Eye to the Scapegoat's Abuse"

"Adult Siblings Who Turn A Blind Eye to the Scapegoat's Abuse"

"Why? Because they can. The scapegoated child has been earmarked for abuse by the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the scapegoat is a fundamentally flawed individual, and a faulty appliance. They just do not understand why the scapegoat continues to challenge their authority, and won’t allow themselves to be controlled.

The scapegoated child’s siblings have been brainwashed into believing the narcissist’s faulty perception of this child. These siblings are trained by the narcissistic parent to peck peck peck at the scapegoated child, to pick them to bits, and to hold their sins under a microscope.

In all of this chaos, nobody nurtures the scapegoat. Scapegoats’ endure a horrendous amount of abuse. So much so, they often come out of the narcissistic family with a crushed spirit, and internal wounds so horrendous that they often struggle terribly in their adult life. Once all is said and done, scapegoated children almost always end up playing out the same relationship dynamic they did with their abusive parent, with narcissistic friends and narcissistic partners.

It doesn’t stop there. Once adulthood arrives, scapegoat victims almost always continue to be victimised and blamed for all of the chaos in the narcissistic family unit. More often than not, they end up being victim’s of family mobbing, are forced out of the family, and decide to go ‘No Contact’.

The narcissistic parent teaches the children early on that everything about the scapegoat is wrong, and that they are crazy. The scapegoat’s siblings subconsciously take on this false perception, and look down upon the scapegoat for the same sins they themselves engage in daily. These sins are picked to bits, and are often the presenting reason as to why a narcissistic parent, and a narcissistic golden child often will turn the entire family against the scapegoat in adulthood."

Parenting Exposed has a lot of good articles, and this is one. Allies are very rare for a scapegoat that crawls out wounded from a narcissistic family. I lived this one too. My siblings are so controlled by my mother where her good will and approval comes first above anything else in life. When my brother cussed me out, he was angry because first and foremost, he was angry he had failed in carrying out Mommy's orders. He had never tried to contact me in two and half years.

 It can be scary for a scapegoat who disengages from the parental narcissists, to then turn and face the betrayal of the siblings. I had some memories return about my siblings too. With my brother, my mother used him as a secondary enforcer. My father would hit me but then my brother would threaten it too, and often get away with it. There were times I had to fight back hard, and sometimes I wonder what would have become of me if I had been a person of smaller stature and weaker will.

His threat to come "slap" me was something that happened all the time when I was young. It creeps me out how as a teen I had to fight like a man just to stay alive in my family and was treated like one. The forced masculinization of Meg on Family Guy doesn't surprise me either. That may be one aspect of scapegoating for females, where our femininity is denied.

 My mother's abuse was always backed up by my sister's. They are same. One close friend of mine hearing about my brother's threats said to me, "Your siblings are nuts!" and he is right.

 For a scapegoat being thrown under the bus is the norm. When we go no contact, this is one reason it often ends up being with the entire family. Here too, no one is interested in listening, talking things out or ever daring to see things from the perspective of the scapegoat. Get away from anyone who treats you like this even if you feel like no one will be left. These siblings have been brainwashed and it's impossible for you to bring them out of it. Even after the head narcissist dies, they will be incapable of change.

Saturday, November 3, 2018

New Ways of Living

Freedom opened up for me when I realized I didn't have to "try" so hard anymore and no longer had to try to fit and mold myself into their box. I'm more fully entering the peace stage of no contact where you feel relief and are just living your life the best you can. The happier days grew in number. I am a far happier and more mellow person. Even not so long ago I would have thought this was impossible. Can I still deal with problems like power outages and and health problems sure. but I do try and focus on the aspects of life I enjoy and spend time with people who are kind, and nice, and all these wonderful things. No more scrambling and banging my head on a brick wall of narcissists and mean people. If you get very late into no contact, you do ask yourself, "Why'd I put up with it?" but I don't even blame myself for that, I was trained to live and be a certain way, and the path of freedom can be in realizing life can be different. You have the right and place to say "This ends now" and to step off the "crazy making" carousel. It is time to do what one desires and chooses and make a life of their own choosing. Going no contact can begin a process of foundational changes in one's life and belief system. You are allowed to consider what is possible.

Questioning the Concept of Family

I posted this on a message board, some people thought it was an interesting question.

Is it weird that I hate the concepts of families now and consider the "family" to be a primitive biological prison, that I hope humans evolve beyond? My husband to play devil's advocate talks about "brave new world" and Utopian commune solutions that failed when I bring this subject up. I think the tribes probably had the best system where one was not limited to nuclear families but had others, but many tribes and native cultures did not develop the numbers of psychopaths like we have in this one, or had ways to deal with them.

 Also one thing I have noticed is the family seems to be the crucible of so much pain in our society ranging from child abuse to other violence, alcoholism, cut-throat competition, extreme authoritarianism coupled with religious programming and just plain misery. For most people who are related to their families, does DNA determine any true camaraderie? Imagine a world where a child could leave a family perhaps knowing there may be another they 'fit into" better. I know these are just some strange thoughts off the top of my head.

What's On Your Refrigerator?

 "On a very local scale, a refrigerator is the center of the universe. On the inside is food essential to life, and on the outside of the door is a summary of the life events of the household." Robert Fulghum 

Have you ever seen one of those refrigerators plastered in magnets? I have. I had a grandmother who had a "magnet" collection on her refrigerator, the entire refrigerator was covered. The magnets were of roosters, places she's been, Disney characters, Charlie Brown and Snoopy, plastic fruit ones, alphabet letters and even magnets that could hold photos. When I was a kid, I would go and rearrange all those magnets. She didn't like that always but sometimes when she was in a good mood, she would let me "re-arrange" the fridge magnets.

 I've seen other refrigerators that were much different. Some were covered in papers, mostly events and things that were happening while others served as their children's art gallery. The drawings plastering the whole fridge were of young hands making turkeys and crayon stick figures of Mom and Dad. One friend's refrigerator years ago was plastered in cut out comic-strips, they liked Calvin and Hobbes and Far Side, oddly they had plastered the downstairs bathroom with comics too, taped to the wall almost like an extension of the fridge. Still another friend, had a giant wall calendar stuck to the front of the fridge they were an organized person. She also kept an organized list of what foods she had run out of. I've also known people with blank refrigerators, with nothing on them.

 Years ago I read a book called Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About Your Life by Sam Gosling a psychologist from the University of Texas. This book was very interesting to me. He wrote that that people who were more open, had more books, CDs and DVDS and more eclectic collections then less open people. Artists were more adventurous by far in their surroundings and were taste definers while others stayed with the mainstream.

 Years ago I got in a discussion with a friend, and said, you know you can tell a lot about a person from what their house or apartments looks like, do they have books, is it messy, is it clean? Is the place decorated or do you have white walls staring you down with nothing to look at? Just like one can read handwriting, where bubbly letters point to extroversion and slanted left writing can speak of anger, one can read surroundings to figure people out. One can read everything from social class to hobbies to personality. The same also goes for the refrigerator, it is a micro-cosm of looking at the entire home.

 A short-hand way to get a quick look at what someone is all about. It's interesting to see everyone's refrigerator door, you can learn a lot about a person about what's on their fridge, are they a sports nut? Do they keep shopping lists? Do they have a busy schedule or a more laid back one? Are they politically active? Refrigerators are to adults like folders are to kids in school. We drew all over our folders and put stickers on them. It was a personal statement.

 The refrigerator being where the food and cold drinks are held, is the center of many homes. It is the first stage bulletin board. Before smart phones, it sometimes served as a message center for various families and a place to leave notes. Years ago I even had a marker board attached to the fridge, but it wore out and broke. I wouldn't mind another. I could write myself reminders on there. I'm a list maker and lists often cover my refrigerator. "Get the car oiled changed" is on a list I left on there.

Here is a poster I made, all this stuff has hung on my fridge at one time and most of it I took it off the other day. Included are a cartoon I drew--I kept journals for years in comic form and this is my character sitting on the beach and here's another one I drew. I have a lot of medical junk on my fridge, I threw up acouple of those on here, but the phone numbers and other things I have to remember is a lot. There's a few magnets, political and otherwise. This brochure is of a new store they opened, they were suppose to sell antiques, I haven't gotten over there yet. This one is of a local comic con, I went to. So my refrigerator shows a lot of my interests. Sometimes we clear off our fridge completely. I wonder what that represents where I just decide to wipe it clean, but then I am usually shoving all the needed pictures, information and paper left overs into folders, or other boxes. Maybe that's a period of transition, wipe the refrigerator clean and then start over.

 Did you know there's a website called Check Their Fridge? Look up Pictures of people's refrigerators are shown and analyzed to see if they would make good dates. Is the new wannabe boyfriend a nice guy? They look inside the fridges at what food they have and how messy they are. Sometimes they do look at the pictures and magnets on the fridge. It's interesting to see what they say about people's refrigerators both inside and out. I find myself thinking some of their predictions are accurate.

[this was done as a reading at my local UU church, it did make me think a lot about what I saw on the front of my own refrigerator and that of others]

Nancy Grows Up

I've gotten into Nancy comics from the 1940s, some of them are pretty insightful. Of course Nancy didn't know of :"Big is Beautiful" back then!

Nancy is Happy Tumblr

Squash Watercolor

Monday, October 8, 2018

They Do Want to Subjugate Women

The Kavenaugh debacle was rough on me and many others.  The Republicans gave a big middle finger to women nationally putting a wannabe rapist on the Supreme Court. Remember they could have chosen a man or woman who was not a would be rapist or sex abuser and didn't have all that baggage, but they wanted Mr. Patriot Act and defender of extreme presidential pardons put into that office. You know years ago moderate Republicans used to have an idea of treating women with some respect but these present day extremists and monsters don't care. So if you are a Republican woman, this article is to warn you too. They do want to subjugate women.

 It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. I woke up and realized I had been led to false ideas about feminism when I wrote the old article Not a Fan of Feminism. I realized it wasn't the feminists bringing the economic oppression but other forces in society. Here too, is where my own religious indoctrination influenced me in a negative way. I now have returned to feminist ideals.

Since Trump brought the racists out of the closet with their pointy hoods in Charlottesville, I suspect now sexism is going to increase and sexual violence is going to grow.  Rapey sociopathic frat boys and red pill woman-hating incels will now cheer!  The good ole boy club doesn't care, you are just an object to them. Reagan appointed Sandra Day O'Connor, and while Reagan had major faults bringing us false trickle down economics, at least back then conservative men at least wanted to make an appearance of respecting woman. Now that's gone with "Grab them by the Pussy" Trump leading the charge. They don't care, and they aren't pretending anymore, the gloves are off.

One thing, let's keep in mind that now the Republican and evangelical/conservative Christian world is joined at the hip. Many don't pay attention to these religious roots, but they have grown stronger ever since the Tea Party came into vogue and the Republican party moved further to the right.

The blatant disrespect of women is not by accident. Trump is their front bad boy to play cover, while they work on bringing us hardcore Dominionism and Theocracy. Few realize Kavenaugh even came out against birth control. Think about that as most focus on the possible demise of Roe Vs. Wade. I never could under pro-lifers who wanted to do away with all the birth control, but that's about oppression too. Activists are dressing in red robes and white bonnets, knowing that The Handmaid's Tale could be made into reality.

handmaid tale protesters

Many people don't know this, but in the evangelical world, biblical partriarchy is being advanced. It is a movement of it's own. I warn people how bad it is, but I am not sure many believe me. It's march was first hand to me. It's messages were preached to me from many pulpits and at Christian conferences and bible studies.  The Duggars support it and the homeschooling world but I noticed a change in all the churches I had attended and visited. This included mainstream evangelical and mainline churches, all of them were teaching that women should obey men. These ideas aren't just in the fundamentalist world. To refuse to submit as a wife definitely made you a sinner. Radical feminists were the devil's daughters.

In the IFB they had me read Fascinating Womanhood a book that said women had to submit to keep their marriages happy. I got in trouble at one women's bible study at my old IFB, saying I thought the book was nonsense and no woman could survive being a blind follower to men. Maybe they should have done me a favor and thrown me out of the church but I remember mutterings about me having an unsaved husband and "not understanding" because I was then a "babe in Christ".

These issues also came up  later at a book club in a mainline Lutheran church, we read a book called Redeeming Love. I told the other book club members, this historical fiction book taught women to submit to controlling and abusive men, and they disagreed with me. One pointed out, "we are supposed to obey men". I noticed this message in mainstream evangelical churches too, including in one conference, where they told the women there, men were to have leadership in the home and they were not to misled by feminism.

The big word was "Complementarianism" in Christian circles and it meant women were to stay within their role and obey their husbands.

Here is the Nashville Statement in favor of Complementarianism. The Nashville Statement was signed by thousands of top evangelical leaders. Notice the key word SUBMISSIVE is used within this document.

Have you ever wondered why these evangelicals focus so much on commanding everyone's bedrooms and now their personal at home lives? It's about power. They want the women to submit and not question. Power is easier to obtain when you have shamed half of the population into meek subservience and thinking that God Himself ordered it. This is why the white old boy's club--even the ones who are now into their 80s, can treat women like trash and get away with it. Some have equated God's will with the subjugation of women.

The evangelicals love power, while they claim these things are about religion and restoring the order and goodness of society, it is all about power. This is Dominator vs. Persuader Society stuff. Someone always has to be in charge and vying for power in Dominator Societies. The religion itself is about power. Thousands of Christian and religious leaders signed a document that calls directly for women to submit. This document was called The Nashville Statement.  At the link you can see who signed it. It was written by a group called The Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. They are one of the groups who are the biggest promoters of biblical patriarchy and Dominionism. Lest you think this is just some "small" group of a few extremists, realize it's connections to top Republican politicians. Michele Bachmann supports it's endeavors. There are members of the Family Research Council in this group including Tony Perkins.

James Dobson as well as many other notables signed it. Some of these men are advisors to Trump and on his evangelical council. So don't dismiss this stuff as just a few religious nuts trying to lord over women in their churches, they want women lorded over nation wide. They do have the reigns of power now. This is one reason the blue wave is important and you must go vote. The evangelical Dominionists do have Catholic allies for their pursuit of religious and political power, and Kavenaugh is definitely among that number.

I left Christianity because I believe it is an authoritarian religion at it's root, but I know there are Christians who are not authoritarian in outlook, problem is these are, and they have millions supporting them who want women, and other minorities too be subjugated. The racism goes with the hatred for women.

 Kavenaugh's placement in the Supreme Court, was a dismissal of all women nation wide. A man of any integrity even if innocent would have withdrawn and not presented himself as angry and belligerent talking about "liking beer". He didn't look innocent at all to me. His facial expressions took me right back to "I am always right!" narcissistic rages. He didn't have the look of a man falsely accused either begging to get his name cleared but the arrogance of someone who plans to get their way no matter what and is used to getting it too. The gaslighting stunk up the whole nation especially when he and his friends claimed Devil's Triangle was a drinking game instead of a threesome. Anyone who has been a victim of abuse and has any degree of being "woke" to them, knew that guy was lying out his teeth.

I grew up in the upper middle class Catholic culture. Ironically some of those years were in the Washington DC area, with government worker parents. I grew up being taught too in the Catholic church that men were in charge, after all women couldn't be priests. I've seen Kavenaugh's type among many legions of drunk dead-eyed frat boys, including one who in college tried to sleep with me because I was a fat girl for a fraternity contest. That smaller guy didn't try to jump or rape me unlike others but the disrespect was there. He left after I rejected his advances.

 I was brought up with the idea men were worth far more then girls. While I drove the old family station wagon later as a teen in fly-over country, my year older brother drove a new gold Trans-Am. After all I was told he was going to be continuing the family name. I was told as a girl my main job was to be pretty, and to have babies. Because I failed on normative standards of beauty, I was treated like a boy but without all the privileges of being male because I was female. Femininity in my family was equated to being second class, and lower status. Boys were far more higher status.

When there is no appreciation or love of women in a family, abuse for women is a given. I watched my father excuse the domestic violence against his own sister. He treated me with disrespect and abuse as well. Do you want this for an entire nation? Well these sad excuses for leaders are bringing it unless people start standing up. 

Boys will be boys ethos was all around me. Because I was not a pretty thin girl and was the scapegoat, I was treated like Meg in Family Guy, where I was smacked around like a dude and had to fight. It occurred to me, even how when my brother told me to F off,  when I am 50 year old disabled woman, that really spoke more of one man fighting another man then how a brother should ever talk to a sister, fight or no fight. My brother once stopped traffic on a major highway to impress a girl. He drove his car side by side with hers, and blocked miles of traffic for a long period of time. A poorer black or even poor white kid would have seen the inside of the juvenile home, but he never did. It was a slap on the wrist and nothing else. He was never told by my parents to protect me as a brother or to treat me with any respect. He wasn't the golden child, but because he was male, his status was far higher.

Disrespect for women was paramount in my family so what I saw on the national stage was nothing new. Women's ideas were discounted. Basic respect thrown out the window. For many of us it was reliving abusive moments in our lives like when I got grabbed in the breasts at one job surrounded by male laughter about my weight, and I jammed the guy hard with my elbows ready to start punching and because I fought back, they then left me alone. And what of us who have faced sexual assault attempted or completed and other sexual abuse? This last week, with an abusive man in our faces imposed upon the nation as a JUDGE, was triggering. Narcissists don't care what people think. They don't try to resolve anything either. They just lie.

It was reliving basic disrespect, dismissal and being devalued by men for many women. There's a point in a nation where evil is reigning and we are at that time now. If you are a woman, realize these men want to subjugate women. Many of them are using religion to do it. Many of them are getting you to vote and support malignant narcissists and sociopaths. If your religion is telling you to support these men, maybe you need to rethink what you are being told.

Old Ideas


I believe her.  Many people don't report at the time, they know the repercussions that await.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

creating sickness | recovering from religion [cc]

This video explores the inherent injustice in religion and brings forth the question "Why does a supposedly perfect being demand perfection out of beings it created to be imperfect?"  Another question the video asks is "Why are we subjected to these sufferings by a Creator whose immune to them?."

Monday, September 24, 2018

Did Dr. Phil Betray A Scapegoat? Dropping the Ball When it comes to Narcissistic Families!

“My Mother and Sister Poisoned My Daughter Against Me and Now I Refuse to Go to Her Wedding!”

 Did anyone see this Dr. Phil from last week? It was awful.

Kristen, the focus of the show, did have some problems and showed too many emotions to narcissists which is the soonest way to get burned. I could see those narcissists sitting there and laughing with their exaggerated lies. It was gang-up time. Their cold dead eyes and smirks spoke for themselves.

Dr Phil sent her off to get treatment for PTSD, but I wish there was some real education about narcissism on Dr. Phil. Some say he is one himself, so maybe that's why we never see narcissists called out for their evil behavior on his show. There seems to be no other explanation. This family had definitely ganged up on this woman as the "identified patient" and gone to town, and he had nothing to say about it like usual. Has Dr. Phil ever mentioned malignant narcissism or sociopathy?

Dr Phil always seems to ally with the narcissists or be very silent in the face of their behavior.  Here, he diagnosed Kristen with PTSD but pussyfooted around the real cause of the PTSD and that sucked. That denied millions of viewers information about these narcissistic families and what they can do to people. Narcs will never out narcs, and always defend them.

"Aunt Susie" definitely has stolen this woman's daughter and put herself in the place of where her mother should be. The daughter to me, acted like every other flying monkey and narcissist enabler I have ever seen, where they defend the family members and treat the scapegoat like a throwaway. Sadly Kristen let her emotions lead which dug her hole deeper.

Narcissists will use everything said in the heat of anger or upset and twist it and turn it against a scapegoat. The only solution here is to go no contact with the daughter as well as the rest of the family. The daughter has already chosen the narcissistic family. It's a horrific loss to lose an adult child this way, but this daughter will bring her down along with the rest.

I noticed they had no empathy for her mental health issues, and denied and mocked her PTSD diagnosis. She was sexually abused too. That's how narcissists operate, there's no mercy for ANY health problems. I have lived that. If you suffer from anxiety, or depression or other issues, THEY DON'T CARE. While you are considered defective, the irony is at the same time, in that "defectiveness", any mental health issues are denied, and a scapegoat is blamed and devalued.

She stood alone, facing down all those flying monkeys and her daughter. Many of us ACONs have been in that position. We know what's its like. No one ever took my side. I was used to being alone pretty early on.  I talked about how I went no contact with the whole family after a time of trying to reason with the others and presenting my side of things. There was two choices, be abused, and listen to excuses and put-downs the rest of my life or walk. Kristen is at that crossroads too. I hope someone tells her to walk and about no contact.

There's no talking things out or reasoning with narcissists or a narcissistic family system. Many probably go on these talk shows thinking they will find justice or someone to go to bat for them, but they just get thrown under the bus yet again. This is disappointing to watch. I had thoughts years of ago taking Queen Spider on a talk show, and fantasies about "outing" her on national TV.  We probably all have those fleeting thoughts, that Dr. Phil, Oprah, and the rest would bring us justice. It is a pipe dream. There's something negative in the human psyche too where they believe narcissists. The majority on Dr. Phil's Facebook page rooted for the family and chided Kristen. 

Dr. Phil never challenged the narcissists, he had them leave at one point, but that was it. He did not address their behavior or anything. He let the family get off scott-free while they remained in cruel dismissal of Kristen. With some groups, we have been maligned and there is no changing it. I hope Kristen is not told by false psychologists and others to "behave" for her family, whatever she does nothing will be good enough. She will always be the scapegoat.
Dr Phil never told us how she got PTSD from abusers, the sexual abuse was named in passing, she was never gave much empathy or support and he gave her no true defense. He believed everything the narcissists said, and told her that her behavior was "outrageous" and "overshadowed" the behavior of "others" without mentioning that bad behavior of the others. So she got called on the carpet and their bad behavior was never addressed.

Dr Phil did excuse the gang-up and I noticed he focused on the mother's behavior but never questioned the daughter. Yeah that poor woman got really no support. I actually think they victimized her right in front of anyone. Some of the stuff that they reported she said sounded like exaggerated bullshit to me.

At one point that horrified me, she was trying to tell Dr. Phil they manufactured some of the "crazy texts" and this was ignored. I could tell she was telling the truth.The smirks were giant then. They took pleasure in her pain, and knew they "had her".  They reveled in her humiliation.

Yeah this show fed off the suffering of a scapegoat. If that PNP centers tells her to "forgive and forget" abusive family members or tells her she has to "reconcile" and keep these people in her life, they will be wasting her time, and taking her to a worse place. For her PTSD to be healed, she needs to be away from these abusers and go no contact.

I have warned about Dr. Phil before on this blog.

Wannabe Rapist for Supreme Court?

The Christian Taliban is running America now.  Now they want a wannabe rapist or actual rapist for Supreme Court.  I am a survivor so I am pissed. These bastards can't sink any lower in my eyes. These sons of bitches, are insulting 51 percent of the population. Instead of screening for malignant narcissists and sociopaths to be kept out of high level offices, that's whose getting the jobs.

I've had two attempted rapes in my life and other sex abuse related incidents in my life.  Watching all this has been extremely triggering. Violent men don't care if a woman is large either, I was almost 6 feet tall and large as most men when I got jumped before. I have faced sexual harassment too, threatened with rape on a job by a man far larger then me at the time, and also grabbed in the chest where I elbowed the man HARD.

Too many don't get that the promotion of wannabe rapists and rapists to the highest offices in the land, walks hand in hand with toxic religion and it's desire for total patriarchy and oppression of women. Patriarchy goes with fascism. What is even scarier is watching all the evangelicals defend this.

This is make or break time for America, if this guy gets in, except things to get far worse for women. If the blue wave fails and Dorito Hitler is voted back in 2020, then this place will become a toxic hellscape.  Sociopaths don't apologize or admit wrongdoings. Two women have stepped up at time of me writing this and now maybe a THIRD. Where there's smoke there is fire. 

The Psychological Harms of Bible Believing Christianity

The Psychological Harms of Bible Believing Christianity

As I have written on here before, I believe trauma can take people into toxic and controlling religions or cults.. For adult converts into highly controlling religious groups under the evangelical/fundamentalist umbrella, they do focus on people who are vulnerable and seeking "ANSWERS".

 They prey on the poor, those who feel "outcast" from society and who seek belonging. I was "fed up with society", felt I didn't belong anywhere and wanted to have a sense of purpose and had a desire to change the world. I had been cut off from the UU community too living in a very rural fundamentalist town with no UU church for 100s of miles.

Let me share a conversation I had with a friend [name removed]

FRIEND: So what drew you to the fundies?!

PEEP: one word trauma and reading too much damn bible prophecy for my own good

FRIEND: Because you didn’t strike me as someone who would fall for that

PEEP: [discussion of severe health problems, poverty, almost dying, moving to the extreme rural community].....

My family called me evil and Satanist
for being a UU you know [my first deconversion--I was in the UU 13 plus young adult years.....I have since returned to the UU]
it took a toll
maybe I internalized that?

FRIEND: They targeted you because you were vulnerable.

My friend summed things up with this last sentence. Toxic religious groups do prey on the vulnerable. I was vulnerable.
My reasons beyond desperation for converting into fundamentalism included the wanting of close community--that's one of the things that attracted me and feeling "special" in this world and trying to find purpose. I wanted a "family". That one alone by itself takes people into extreme cults.

I consider the IFB a cult, though it doesn't control you in your daily life, via direct supervision.

I asked on a support board I am on:

How do you believe evangelical/fundie Christianity psychologically harmed you?

Many agreed with me they were psychologically harmed.

In my case, I was raised with uber Catholicism by the abusers, I was not allowed to have any independent thoughts, and was told constantly I was "going to hell". It was "conform or else. I would deconvert the first time. When I entered the evangelical fundie world later, I believe this was trauma based.

Here is the list I gave the support board for ex-evangelicalists and fundamentalists.....

1. The constant shame. I was taught from IFB pulpits if I had depression and anxiety it was because I was "letting Satan have his way with me" If anything bad happened or wasn't resolved from health problems to finances, I was told my "lack of faith was "impacting my life" and taught "God blesses those who obey him".
2. The magical thinking. Christianity broke my reality tester. I was taught that fantasy was real and that "the things of the human intellect are foolishness to God". They taught me to suppress the intellectual mind that took me into the first deconversion to begin with. I wasted years believing in demons, bible prophecy, conspiracies, the new world order and all this complete fantasy, and distrusting science. The magical thinking extended to life issues and the shutting down of rational thought. Praying was tons of wasted energy and based on magical thinking too.

3. Delayed development Some people raised in fundamentalist households faced this but I got the Catholic flavor.  I realized with horror like many people on these boards who were raised in the IFB instead of being adult converts, my upbringing was like theirs in many negative ways.I was not allowed to date, go to any dances, prom or parties or socialize. I was shamed for any sexual feelings or attractions to boys, but then at the same time because I had not married by age 22, I was called an old maid.  I had homophobia unleashed on me though I was straight. My development was delayed. Socially all this control affected my social skills life long even beyond the Aspergers. As I talk about on here, no contact will bring new revelations. While my high school classmates got married almost right after high school, I was kept in a state of diminished development. This would bring life long consequences.

4. False forgiveness. I was told to forgive abusers and keep them embraced in my life and to reconcile with them. It seemed all the forgiveness and kindness was to be extended to abusers and not their victims. I was told to honor parents who were abusive, and to always side step to their wishes instead of going no contact which I later did. Being told to forgive toxic personalities is a recipe for disaster. Here too is a place where Christianity ignores the fact we do have people without consciences out there. Toxic Christianity teaches bad boundaries and actually teaches against self-care.

5. Self esteem issues. I always felt like a "lesser" in fundamentalist Christianity but was following the carrot on the stick, believing that if I grew my faith, my life and finances would improve, my health problems would be eradicated, and my relationships with others would be better. Even within my parent's Catholicism, I had been taught that "good people" would have "good lives" and was set up for a major fall when disability came to knock on my door. I thought God would help me, I didn't expect shoe boxes of 50 and 100 dollar bills, but I thought I was have comfort and peace, I got the complete opposite, anxiety and self loathing. The fundamentalist world in it's classism and ableism was highly negative to my self esteem. It destroys many people's self esteems who are told they are sinful, wicked and degenerates who all need a "savior"/

6. Constant fear. The constant threats of hell, world disasters via the bible prophecy and rest was a huge negative. It increased my anxiety disorders.

Since leaving, I hit a year of deconversion this summer, I have been far more calm and happier.
I am in recovery on all these things. I got tired of being a scapegoat and God's worm, only worthy to be chaff in his furnace. I do see evangelical and fundamentalist Christianity as a mind control enterprise that serves the oppressive and powerful in our society. Religion was a tool my abusive parents used against me and sadly I internalized way too much of it's false teachings despite my earlier efforts to remove myself from it all, and fell back into the pit under a new flavor.

Deconversion does bring liberation.  The chains of religious mind control are broken.

From the link above:
"Bible Belief Creates an Authoritarian, Isolative, Threat-based Model of Reality
In Bible-believing Christianity, psychological mind-control mechanisms are coupled with beliefs from the Iron Age, including the belief that women and children are possessions of men, that children who are not hit become spoiled, that each of us is born “utterly depraved”, and that a supernatural being demands unquestioning obedience. In this view, the salvation and righteousness of believers is constantly under threat from outsiders and dark spiritual forces. Consequently, Christians need to separate themselves emotionally, spiritually, and socially from the world.These beliefs are fundamental to their overarching mental framework or “deep frame” as linguist George Lakoff would call it. Small wonder then, that many Christians emerge wounded."

Bell Hooks

Sunday, September 2, 2018

From Zero to 60: The Major Hoover Attempt

My brother wrote back to his no contact letter.

They recently tried to hoover me. I know 5 years in, they are still popping up like poisonous pennies. Maybe I erred engaging. In his case, there had never been a no contact letter. I decided to send one for legal reasons--I wanted a documentation that I wanted nothing more to do with him, and to put closure on it all.  I told him off 2 and half year  on the phone, the day he told me Aunt Scapegoat had died. That had been our last contact.

A few months ago, I ignored a card my mother sent and threw it away, that came a few days before my 20th anniversary. In this she said, her husband was dying. This is the husband she married around 10 years ago. He's a nice guy but fully under her control. I wasn't even invited to their wedding which was held on January 10th. I feel bad he's dying. People drop like flies around Queen Spider but no relationship with him is possible while no contact.

 Because the guilt game did not work to slide back into scapegoat place and because my mother's husband was dying, my brother only a few months later was called out as a flying monkey. He told me he wanted to come and visit me. I refused. I have not seen him in almost 9 years. I don't think he has even been in my state in all those years either but have no way for knowing for sure. He went to visit my mother. I had messages blocked, but a few came in.  I have to lock down my social media more. He had others emailing and messaging me too. He told me he wanted to visit, another nephew was used as a pawn.

"We want to see you", well you all know the game. The "forgive and forget" side step. I told him off on the phone, 2 and half years ago but he came back, like nothing had happened. This time he was acting nice, saying he wanted to do lunch and bring the nephews. I ignored the messages for weeks, but then felt afraid, that he'd show up at the door uninvited. I probably erred engaging at all, but for me having final closure works better.

 Some people have recommended legal means to be left alone. Well I have to put my barriers up higher.  I erred letting the messages come through and seeing them. There was one block that actually failed, I have to figure out what happened still. I cannot underestimate my mother's total control of people now.

Here is what I wrote him:

 I tried to talk things out with you for years, and it was a waste of time, you did nothing but make excuses, invalidate me, deny my abuse, tell me you were busy over and over, and defended their abuses and cruelty, telling me I was always in the wrong or had to put up with it. I have given up on any of you changing. You are what you are, and so am I, a person that doesn't want to deal with it anymore.

 Earlier he had written me this, notice the minimization and rest. I fixed the grammar and spelling mistakes. My husband agrees he is in deep denial.

Never did I deny anything you said about our childhood. But unlike you I decided NOT to allow it to define me.

So totally removing me and *********** and your nephews from your life makes absolutely no sense. I'm willing to agree to disagree on this issue. I wish the same could be said about you. I've forgiven Mom and Dad for all the shit they put me and you through. I guess you have not.
And as far as choosing Mom over you? This makes no sense. This is our first trip to {my state} since the last time I saw you and **********. So seeing you guys is as much a priority if not more as seeing Mom. And i want to see {mother's husband} he is not doing well and wish to spend some time with him. He's a great guy whatever you think and deserves respect regardless of your feelings about Mom.

As far as being busy? I run a business and have for 26 years. And as any self-employed person will tell you is not a five day a week, 9-5 job. I still put in 10-12 hour days. Even when I'm not out selling I'm still doing something business related. But after 26 years most days I still enjoy it very much. But I am taking 3 days off this weekend and with all that free time, which i get very rarely, I've choose to spend some of it with you. Unfortunately I guess ...... you don't forgive people right? I always believe people deserve second chances and sometimes third or fourths as we are human and none of us are perfect. 

I guess if you feel this strongly that I have treated you so bad there is nothing i can do to change your mind. Sad really. There's a lot I've wanted to talk to about but guess that not going to happen. All I asked was we could come see you which we don't very often. I know it's impossible for you to visit us but understand it's not something I'm able to do frequently either so I hope you change your mind and take advantage of this opportunity to see each other. Neither one of us is getting any younger.

I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want any more of his games, bragging, shaming or guilt inducements, so I decided to write back and make that his official no contact letter. Maybe this was an error and I should have kept to the last phone call it, but since I had just been informed of Aunt Scapegoat's death that day, I didn't have time to say even more I wanted to. At least now the door is closed as far as he is concerned for good.

Here is some of what I wrote him:

You had two and half years to apologize or stand up for me. You actually helped enable the over-all abuse. You are denying what I said about our childhood here. Also telling me I have let it define me is bullshit. I am defining myself outside of a family that never had any respect for me, that is the road to recovery not denial like yours.

I am not talking about childhood all the time but how I was treated as an adult into my 40s. Maybe you think it's okay to keep people in your life who rip you down--they did all the time behind your back, you know, and who refuse to invite you, ignore your health needs or drive by your apt without stopping by and teach many others to treat you with disrespect. Your response here has only proven that I have made the right decision.

The whole family spoke to me the same way you did in private messages and emails, telling me they were "too busy" even when they drove right by my house, ignoring my private messages, even some I wrote only a couple times a year, coming to visit your mother and making sure "not to tell me" because they were busy. People chose their priorities. Busy is an excuse. This relationship was long ago over, because you were "too busy" as you told me every time I tried to write you a private message only once every few months. The fact you are doing it yet again is disgusting.

 I am tired of the put-downs. Even here your first response is to minimize things and tell me how the kids you worked with were more abused. Hmm, you probably will tell them all to "forgive" their unrepentant abusers and take it, instead of going no contact and bettering their lives, and finding people to uplift their lives.

So here, you showed the usual disrespect which backs up my decision.

At times you would appear shocked at what I told you like what she said about wishing [Aunt Scapegoat] would die that time but you would always revert to your brainwashing. So I am wasting my time.

It's almost been 9 years. Do you remember when I asked you to visit me, and you told me to send you 1,000 dollars? That was funny because the very next month I saw a picture of your Christmas tree with thousands of dollars of presents under it.

How do you forgive someone who keeps repeating the same behavior? Forgiveness is for those who repent. It is not for those incapable of feeling guilt. That is false forgiveness. When behavior is repeated over and over, then you are just a sucker. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

 Also when you go on about the business, it's to brag, I'm not stupid. Just like you bragged to me constantly about your new cars, computers and furniture with pictures included. How do you think that made me feel?

Sure people deserve second chances, but there's a point where people are toxic and harmful to a person and that applies here. With the family, I gave multiple chances. How long did you all expect me to hang around being treated so badly? I mean are any of you truly surprised I walked?

Even your first message here was an insult, acting like nothing had happened since our last phone call in 2016. You never acknowledged anything I discussed and your constant dismissive messages of "get over it", "leave the past in the past" and "let it go" BS was just said to silence me and here you repeat all of it. Playing "forgive and forget" games where I am supposed to get back in line while nothing is resolved is a waste of time.

So yes I do feel you have treated me badly, you are treating me badly in this response. You are invalidating me same like before, it just has helped cement my decision. It's the same old thing over and over.

Really what do we have to talk about, you don't respect anything I have to say. ........I believe the only reason you are contacting me now is because Mom told you too, since I ignored a card she sent three months ago.

As I said, maybe one day you will wake up but I am not counting on it.

I was doing a lot better, "forgetting" about them. I'm even kind of embarrassed to be writing about being drawn into the spiral again, and almost made the choice not to post about this. I still plan to continue with my life as before. The final door is shut on him. 

Maybe for two steps forward there can be one back. I was happier and becoming more calm. Focusing on trying to enjoy life and moving forward with it. I need to put some higher barriers, control on the mail, and more social media blocking. They are always trying to control me via emotions since they have none. There's always all these people dying around her. She sucks their energy like a sponge.

One thing many ACONs need to be warned of is often no contact must be maintained. I am sure I have made my errors. Some ACONS online told me it seems odd that my family is tracking me down so much and it seems extreme. They told me they were just discarded and that was that.

One thing is I don't want to drive people around me crazy talking about the horrible family when finally I had stopped for months, and felt good. The light at end of the tunnel was getting far brighter.  My only way to deal now is consider this a blip on the map and keep moving forward.

 I don't think I ever will understand how she got them all in her back pocket so easily but there's nothing I can do about it.  It is hard to describe my emotions of disappointment and grief here. I had my deconversion but it's scary to watch the universe, or whatever force runs this place, always choosing her.  One apology, one nice word outside of bragging, or showing off or being Mommy's flying monkey and I may have relented. The same goes for all the other cold narcissists I walked away from. They are INCAPABLE of it.

He was abused too, some of my most horrible memories are watching him being beaten in front of me. He could have been an ally but was not. Internalized Oppression has him worshipping his sociopathic mistress: "Mom". Understand this is some of why I took so long to let him go. I certainly gave it enough time. I had to face facts too about what kind of person he had become too.

It is kind of creepy that someone can go from 0-60 in asking for a visit nicely to "Go Fuck Yourself" so quickly but that's life with narcissists.

One thing with the narcs, if there's any milestones or birthdays or anniversaries coming by your way, realize these are some of the moments they will strike.  This can happen years later as my example illustrates. I hit a 20 year marriage anniversary and 50th birthday, all within a short period of time. My father died on Labor Day weekend 20 years ago, so I am not surprised this weekend was chosen either for the attempted hoovering. You are not paranoid if you sniff the subtle manipulations.

With my brother, I gave him far too long and too much patience. He is a disappointment. He always talked to me in a very negative fashion. The grand business is selling candy bars from a van with teenagers. Some states have outlawed these "candyman scams" but not in the one he lives in. He calls it a charity, taking them on a few youth trips a year but having them sell candy bars door to door, and he lives off the proceeds. He does work and make money, he is on a far higher socioeconomic level then me but it's just more of the bragging and family-wide materialism.

The candy business may not last long. He has very poor health too telling me that he still has problems from his quadruple bypass of three years ago.  Illness has spread through the family even to the sociopath's willing victims and sycophants.  There is no relationship left, and even then I consider him in the category of another narcissist I had to get out of my life.

I spent a lot of my childhood having to defend myself from him fighting like a boy, never protected as a girl. He always spoke to me like a thug, learning from his parent's examples.