Freedom opened up for me when I realized I didn't have to "try" so hard anymore and no longer had to try to fit and mold myself into their box. I'm more fully entering the peace stage of no contact where you feel relief and are just living your life the best you can.
The happier days grew in number. I am a far happier and more mellow person. Even not so long ago I would have thought this was impossible. Can I still deal with problems like power outages and and health problems sure. but I do try and focus on the aspects of life I enjoy and spend time with people who are kind, and nice, and all these wonderful things. No more scrambling and banging my head on a brick wall of narcissists and mean people. If you get very late into no contact, you do ask yourself, "Why'd I put up with it?" but I don't even blame myself for that, I was trained to live and be a certain way, and the path of freedom can be in realizing life can be different. You have the right and place to say
"This ends now" and to step off the "crazy making" carousel. It is time to do what one desires and chooses and make a life of their own choosing. Going no contact can begin a process of foundational changes in one's life and belief system. You are allowed to consider what is possible.
Beautifully said!
ReplyDeleteThose of us who are meant to be more than a parent's puppet often find ourselves "no contact." Artists are a creative and exploratory bunch. We've never been able to mold ourselves into the sycophant marionettes that narcissists want (and for me, even with lots of threats attached -- I wanted the health and strength of having a voice and being able to live in the truth).
In my own life, I was even told "what to say", even to the point of creating a situation where I would sabotage myself or put myself in danger -- as an adult! Ha! Micromanaging to that insane level, in other words. I joined a writer's group when I was 20. I could say anything there, and loved all of the openness of perspectives and having a voice that people wanted to hear. What a drastic difference.
When you grow up in an abusive home it is "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel". The "don't talk" was on steroids. One thing that you do when you break out of prisons like that is to talk.
Thanks Lise, yes, I didn't want to be the puppet or conform and often I think artists are picked as scapegoats because they are seen as the "threat". I couldn't conform to their insane demands and endless codes and lies. Yes even with the threats I could not do it. They do everything they can do to shut us up or silence us in the face of others. Yes, remember the times, I was told what to say and do even at my own cost. The writer's group sounds wonderful, another creative expression to be had.
DeleteYeah "don't talk" was forced on me too. The head sociopath managed to silence a lot of people, but she didn't succeed with me. I talk all I want now and if people don't like what I say, Oh well, I spent enough of my life trying to conform, and that's done now.
I remember trying so hard as a child to "make Aunt XXX like me". Even as a toddler I knew she hated me.
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