Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Where are all the war protesters now?

I was a war protester in the 2000s. Here are some pictures of actual signs we were carrying. I carried three of the above and other signs at different protests. I would stand out in front of the courthouse with my local anti-war group. They knew I didn't agree with all their political stances but I was against Bush's wars as much as they were.

We did pay some prices in the community. My husband and I even worried that his Republican pro-Bush boss found out about us having interaction with this group. We had our pictures taken by a guy with a large camera hanging out of a green van. A few would drive by and yell out of their cars and call us "hippies" and other names, in my conservative then small town.  The church I attended asked me why I was hanging out with hippies and "pagans" and rebuked me for it. I told them I was standing against Bush's wars via my own conscience. There was a few other libertarians and others of alternative views and Christians protesting along with me.

This town I live in now doesn't even have an anti-war group or if they do I haven't found out about them. Back then much of the nation was outraged by Bush's wars. Other people were protesting nation wide. Later more of the lies would come to fruition. Halliburton would become a known name. Many would realize the wars were a bad idea and have actually added to turmoil in the world and bankrupted America. Now that perpetual wars a la 1984 are in vogue, there's no more war protesters anymore! What happened? 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Want to Blow A Libertarian's Mind?

Ah libertarians they are good with civil liberties and a few "freedom" issues but that whole "free market" thing is a joke. Even the candidate for the libertarian party Gary Johnson supports NAFTA. I told some libertarians once, that the concept of the "free market" was like the illustrious unicorn. They weren't too happy with me. Once I drew a cartoon of "Budgie" in Libertarian world. LOL


It will be interesting to see what I weigh in July.  I am guessing from 480-510, but the scale has boggled my mind before, and given me a number from insane land. Since my waist is at 60, I know I am "safely" somewhere in the low 500s. [my highest waist measurement was once 76 at my peak weight] I will measure myself often to make sure I am not gaining.

 I have not lost the amount of weight that one would expect from a combination of food insecurity and diabetes paranoia, and trying to control blood sugars over a past year. I believe normal people would have dropped 100lbs by now.

 Yesterday I ate these breakfast crackers made out of oatmeal with blueberries in them and some chicken with some old cucumbers. My husband did buy me a ham sub with extra vegetables on top at night and dug up money to feed us for the next few days which includes eggs. Part of the ham sub was saved for breakfast this morning.  I plan to make some new made up recipe out of ground turkey, orzo, canned diced tomatoes and a bunch of mini-peppers I got a from a food pantry tomorrow. Thank goodness. Blood sugar was at 123 this morning. As everyone knows I have lost belief in CICO long ago. It is like magic in itself. My blood sugars go up if I don't eat enough but I have to balance too much and WHAT. I am sure of it now. I have got to get more exercise. Heat makes me lethargic and more swollen and motivation gets tougher to manage. I was out a bit today which helped. I will get exercise hand washing clothes in the sink.

Tiny House

Tiny Houses and Fat People

I watched this show where they were selling tiny houses to rich people who wanted to save money. LOL I know I call them rich people but their tiny houses had real granite counters and stone walls and fancy teeny tiny furnishings. One thing I kept thinking, is I would never fit in any of these houses, and even at 300lbs I remember sleeping in some guy's trailer while visiting from out of town, with my husband and we almost got stuck in there just trying to move around. Tiny houses work for young millennial males who fit in skinny jeans and small lithe tiny young women but not for big people. Since America is growing fatter and taller, the tiny house movement is even more weird.

Very True

Seen on Fat Logic: Turning this one on it's head

So supposedly almost 70% of the population is fat via "bad behavior" and "bad choices? As the number increases they will be forced to examine their CICO views. No, we are an oppressed MAJORITY! 

Three Years Anniversary of No Contact Today

  Today is my three year anniversary of no contact with the main narcs. With the rest of the family I am at three months no contact. One cousin was cut off more recently. Years ago I put up with my mother to be low contact knowing the price of walking could be losing the whole family. Be careful of making that mistake yourself. If they already are turned on you, the final outcome will be the same no matter how hard you try. I feared losing the nieces and nephews but have anyway.

Has it really been that long? I guess so. My mother never apologized or really "tried" to amend the breach. That would never happen in a million years with a malignant narcissist. I think of the long line of cards sent to me that said over and over "You choose to believe things about me that are untrue." and dead corporate lines like "Thinking of you." Her lack of feelings don't even shock me anymore. Her ability to make herself seem like a loving and caring person to outsiders remains unmatched.  She's a hardcore one, no fake apologies or nice words to even fool me. The woman has never cracked or shown an iota of fear in her life.

I am hoping my life will change more for the better. It has in some ways, since 20 years of panic attacks and worse anxiety have left me alone since the day I walked. I have thrown a lot of narcissists out of my life and put up with a lot less from people. I am done being a charity project or pushed around. We wrote and made a complaint against the rude secretary. I even wrote the "autistic" and told her what I thought of her behavior. No more driving up some well off woman's drive way, with a feeling of building dread. No more talking to people who with every word make me feel like I am "nothing" and "nobody" and never fail to remind me how I failed, severe disabilities notwithstanding.

I looked at some old pictures the other day, sometimes this can be an interesting enterprise. My collection of pictures is small from my childhood, I regret not having those the most because pictures help me remember, but the faces in them all tell a tale. There was a sense of closure looking at those pictures the other day. The pictures put in front of my face what I had left behind.

 In one picture my father is literally bowing to my mother, while she sits in a chair, and in old Christmas photo she is leaning on him smug like a queen. He seems to shrink even with time, I noticed as I went through these pictures. Becoming smaller and smaller, in the emotional sense. It was a strange phenomenon to see. The "in thrall" status never letting up.

In the pictures, he did not look at me with any love, but blank eyed stares. He never smiled at me. I realized none of them did and when I was the one taking the photo there was only flat eyed stares. In one picture, I am extremely ill, and I am standing in between him and his sister Aunt Confused. My face is bloated, and extremely swollen, my hair has fallen out, I am one year away from the peak of the weight gain having at that point gained at least 300lbs.

It is telling to me that only one year later, he would leave my mother every dime and provide nothing to me for any help knowing that I had become disabled and lived in my most extreme poverty. It occurred to me too as they came on that visit in 1997 and to my wedding, he knew how ill I was and how impoverished I was and he did not care. That picture of me standing in between them where a loving parent would have gotten me post haste to a hospital, told me everything I needed to know of his absolute failure to help or care and subjugation to my mother. Even if facing health problems himself, there was no excuse. She owned his soul.

Betsy shows up in one photograph, the "second daughter", in one photo my father is ignoring me while videotaping Betsy and Betsy is jumping around with my sister right next to her. Both are smiling. I noticed how she always had a big poop eating grin on her face that never let up. Her poop eating grin reminds me of the smile on another phony now ex-friend's face. She was a clown invited to the narcissist party to entertain.

 In another photo, I have given my mother a painted photo frame for the holidays. She sits there staring straight ahead not even a smile, for her gift. There's no feigned politeness just a look of annoyance, with the underlying emotion of disgust.

Another picture matches from an informal bridal shower a friend gave me. Mother sits there, and does not smile. I can tell it is because I am taking the picture. In another we are sitting on the couch at Christmas, my mother is looking haughty looking down at a figurine, my sister is looking prim cleaning up wrapping paper. When looking at the few pictures I have, I was blown away by the way they were all looking at me with hatred and disdain.

How was I so blind to it all and why had I gone into such deep denial in wanting to "have a family"? Facebook helped wake me up seeing my mother pictured with other relatives, smiling, hugging them and saying nice things like "I am so proud." The proof of my reality was laid out before me in picture form. I am sure if I could see more photos, even more truth would come to light.

 My sister literally sneered and rolled her eyes in photos, where I was taking them or the very few times she was sitting next to me. Haughty eyed looks began by our early teens and worsened as the years progressed. In pictures from 2009, she looks at the camera annoyed during one of her rare 10 minute visits off the highway on the way home from a week at my mothers. One photo taken at my wedding is shocking in it, my sister sits prim and thinner in a blue dress next to her husband, and my father is there in the photo too. My sister looks bored but my sister's husband and my father are glaring at me. They appear identical in countenance even if one is far younger.

In another photo I am sitting at a Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner. I think I am home from college judging from the clothes I am wearing, I look distant like I wish I could be anywhere else. My mothers face is cut off, but she is angry with gnashing teeth and devil looking eyes while wearing a red sweater,  that is the face I remember many times. She isn't mad at me in the photo, I think it is my brother, but I saw that face way too many times to count. This picture is 25 years old but that face appeared many times before, and many times afterwards. It is a face that could appear on a horror movie. She ranted and raved enough for their to be some photographic evidence of it.

I have no family left and I can't say no contact is easy but it is far better then sitting there and being a punching bag and trash can or willfully ignored on their whim, just kept around to be kept track of by a bunch of spoiled people who had no love for anyone. I do not regret the decision at all, even though life has a lot of other challenges right now. I walked and glad I walked.

Are More Pastors Narcissists Now?

 I was telling Q over on this blog, there are few preachers worth a plum nickel and all of them are fake on TV. Most are there to sell you something. They ooze oil and are like used cars salesmen. I am kind of an outliner as a Christian, outside the church system now. I got done with being shamed in pulpits for not dishing out enough money when there were no groceries in the house. Most of the preachers lived a far higher lifestyle then me, and even the nicest one I had, in his new church, a wife who has been a forever a stay at home mother, has a boat he takes out, 4 children, a new house full of nice appliances and never wants for a dime. He's not pastoring huge churches but ones with 200 or so members but which teach tithing, aka 10 percent of your income is to be given to the church.

 The Bible in an OT book taught of a collection to be taken up for the poor in the temple, but it is not mandated in the NT, the pastors have run amuk with that one. No one questions it or checks things out for themselves. So to be poor in some of these churches can be embarrassing, the pastor preaches 10 percent, and you hope they don't notice or say anything about you giving .005 % or something because you want to eat that week. Some better churches will share food and more with their own members but there's many poor people now, taking an emotional beating over that one. A lot of poor people never become an "official member" because in many churches that means signing on for the giving and being committed to it.

 In the type of churches I went to, they wore snappy suits and had to give a lot of attention to being nice, and charismatic and not boring people during the longer sermons. There are Christians who believe that even having a clergy is not mandated by Jesus and more and more I have joined their ranks. One didn't see the apostles pulling rank on each other during the book of Acts and putting on funny hats or making sure to have the nicest Italian silk suit in the room.

 One thing I noted visiting a lot of churches around here, is a lot of preachers seemed to have strong narcissistic qualities. They smile a lot but with the worse ones, there seems to be something sinister behind it. The whole "profession" has become one where one has to fill a room, and to succeed you better be someone that can get the butts in the seats and get various collections flowing. Serious mournful personalities better not apply but happy charismatic glad handers do. There was one church I visited where the preacher was so charismatic, I thought I had entered Jim Jones land. The people praised him so much it was frightening. They would come up to me and say "Pastor Joe is the best pastor, he knows and understands all your problems!" I didn't go back. If that guy wanted to turn his baptist church into a total cult and get everyone to hand over their money and worldly goods, he could do so tomorrow.

In the church "covenant" which you had to sign to become a member, you had to promise to never gossip or say one word against him. That is popular now in a lot of evangelical churches.Like a narcissistic mother on crack, daring to dissent was premptively against the rules.

 Since pastorships have become more like businessmen, the attraction of even more narcissists seems a natural outcome. It seems to me that the whole job of being a pastor now has devolved into one where a narcissist would be more attracted! More money, the ability to sway people, the ability to rise above it all. Even old Jim Bakker who had his golden dog house has a religious TV show back after his earlier years in prison. The TV evangelists aren't shy types. The big whig ones are showmen first. Maybe some of this stuff has filtered down to the little guys now.

Monday, June 27, 2016

The Baby Boomers Won't Let Go

The Baby Boomers won't let go of power, and will torture us into their 80s and 90s. I guess while Gen X heats up the can of dog food over the trashcan fire, we can be dressed stylishly.

Generation X: The Scapegoat Generation is Dying Young

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Sex Work and Size Acceptance

One thing that is hard about the size acceptance world is if you don't adhere to politically correct extreme neo-liberal politics, you are told you don't belong. Yesterday, I got myself close to a banning on this group board for very super sized women on Facebook with ties to size acceptance for telling them what my opinions on sex work were. They asked first. I have some size acceptance contacts on Facebook but it's difficult. It's like that world wants to shove all it's people into a mold and the dominating brain dead neo-liberal politics have grown more grating to me.  The ideologues have grown worse. Those who do not conform are punished for it. Many of the neo-liberals are far more censoring of others then any book-burning Nazi could hope to be.

 I liked this place at first because these are other people who are over 400lbs, and super fat issues like clothes and health were discussed but why are they involved in such extreme liberal politics? One person agreed with me. Another woman wrote, "maybe they should try to get other skills beyond sex work", and they almost tried to rip her head off!  I have my populist side, I even kind of liked Bernie Sanders even though I didn't agree with everything he supported but these kind of people I can't get on board with.

For years I protested on this blog what I considered the raunchy disgusting side of size acceptance and exposed feeders and fat admirers

Good bye NAAFA!

Chubby Chasers Give Me the Willies

In this discussion some supersized women were discussing their various sex work which include online porn, cam work and phone sex work. One wanted to go back to phone sex work. This is one sad thing I encountered in size acceptance was the many fat women especially women in the greater sizes signing up to do this type of work. I was approached to do phone sex work by one friend I met in NAAFA, and said "No way!", and others came to me asking if I would be willing to do videos and other sex work and gave the same answer.  I would sooner die then sell my body or images of it and during some of the time when people approached me, these were some of my severely poor years. In fact one woman told me I was nuts to stay in such horrible poverty instead of giving in.

 My name became mud within this organization when they realized how conservative I was in this area of life, even prior to me becoming a Christian in 2002. They called me a PRUDE and never let me forget it. Keep in mind by the time I was attending NAAFA meetings, I was an engaged soon to be married woman. The catfisher woman who had ties to size acceptance actually told me one still remembered me and called me "that prude". I was pretty hated. I think I still am. Even this many years later. I was on the Dimensions message board as "Victoria" in the 1990s, I guess I am outing myself here, telling the lot of them they were ruining fat women's lives via their objectification of women and connections to pornography. Christian me wouldn't touch that place with a 10 foot pole today but back then having just had my massive 400lb weight gain, I was looking for other supersized people to talk to online. It looks like nothing has improved even 20 years later. Everything is still as degenerate.

So what I experienced on this board was kind of more of the same. I was referred to as a "shamer" for saying, I was philosophically and spiritually against the concept of sex work and that it was exploitation for super-fat women and economic oppression. After all why were these women running to "this work"? Because of fat discrimination, women who weigh over 400lbs, have such a difficult time in the job market, they see this as their only option. Desperation can drive people to many dark places, but why defend the system and feeling forced to do this work? Instead of fighting for more rights or "disabled" accommodation, they listen to the pied pipers who want to sell images of their super fat bodies to fetishists.

I mentioned sex trafficking to them. It's getting to be a worse problem in America. Even locally they have addressed this issue. Fat people can be sex trafficked too. "Specialty tastes" sell in some underbelly places on our planet. There are people being kidnapped. I know of a story of a superfat woman, being locked in some psychopaths walk-in closet who was abused and used. While the sex work being discussed is not open prostitution on this board, I told them, this is selling sex trafficking as a "choice". Many talked about how dealing with men who fantasized about immobile fat women was hard, and other demanded fetish aspects like feederism was twice as difficult.

They weren't happy with me when I mentioned that in the old days feminists protested the objectification of women and now they were supporting it. I hate modern day feminism, because now with all the sex positivity nonsense, they seem ready to have women sell their bodies to the highest bidders. Why are these women all so eager to be CONSUMED by men? Andrea Dworkin would be spinning in her grave. These women definitely seem to hold no issue in selling their own bodies as a commodity. After you do naked videos and pictures, what else are you doing?

One woman was careful to say "I am not condemning you" but I kept thinking "What are you doing to other fat women?" when you choose to do this work. We already move through a world that sees us as objects not to be respected. As mere bodies where because of our obesity our personhood and souls are obliterated by bigots. The term selling out is a very real one to me.  Being such a poor person myself, I understand economic desperation. Social Security checks aren't that big, and almost impossible to live on, but is this a healthy choice? To sell your soul and body to "making a living"? To allow men to exploit and use you? I saw the lowest vermin of men skulking around size acceptance venues. There are normal men of conscience who prefer bigger women, but these were sociopaths who saw women as mere objects. 

My comment "If anything, those who are healthy enough to work, should be demanding more access to better careers, and opportunities" flopped as well.

as well as stating:

 "I am philosophically and spiritually against sex work"

"Shouldn't women have more options in life rather then total exploitation. Super-fat women are in danger because of the job discrimination and more they face. It's human trafficking sold as a "Choice".

"Contact with wicked perverted men even just verbally and not physically is not healthy for anyone".

I was told that my discomfort was heard but it was not welcome there and that the women in our group who choose do sex work deserve respect and support and that if I could not give it, I needed to stay silent and walk away from the thread. The number of sex workers there was very high. This wasn't just one or two very fat over 400lb women but more then several. In fact they decided at the end of this discussion to open up a sex workers group for fat women.

I probably won't be commenting on that board anymore, it is not a good place for me. It is very sad and disappointing that the attitudes that I faced 20 years ago and protested still are so entrenched within the size acceptance world. Nothing has changed.  Marilyn Wann is a supporter of sex work. The super-fat women I met in size acceptance were busy selling themselves then, and many of the ones I have met online within size acceptance circles are all supporting this.

Frankly it has always sickened me that fat women are seen as a commodity within the size acceptance world. It is self-hatred within, that allows people to debase themselves in a society that almost seems to demand it of them. I was told to take my religion which actually remained unnamed in the context of the discussion but I suppose the word "Spiritually" gave them the tip off, and basically was told to shove it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

CICO believer Has Some Wisdom to Share

There's a lot of wisdom on this unfortunately titled video, but "Rhino" is right about Samoa, they went from near famine living for eons and then became the fattest population in the world. I differ with him in that I believe there are other influences on obesity. He definitely is more of a believer in CICO, I believe the evidence for other large environmental impacts on obesity are there.

The other day in thinking about the obesity epidemic, I brought up a point to a friend, what if some of the obesity epidemic had roots in all the food rationing of World War II, where people definitely had to restrict what they had to eat and how much? Rhino addresses the setting people up for failure, via the diet industry. He has a point about how the politicians always resort to prohibition and taxation and both avenues are doomed for failure.  He is right about how they need to teach SUSTAINABLE things that are possible not quick fixes and other nonsense. He's a CICO believer which I do not agree with but he has other wisdom here, I agree with. We need better food and more access to better food. I wish there was more help for fat people too in terms of exercise, and not just exercise that will hurt but will become something enjoyable adding to someone's life.

 I'm found out my community recently has a "medically fragile" gym for disabled and elderly people, via the local hospital. I'm not sure if I can afford it, it will take time to save for the first fee. I'm not sure if I can be approved as I do have many serious health problems including the COPD but I am looking into it and PLAN TO ASK. The Dial A Ride bus could get me there.   One has to get a doctor's approval.  Hopefully I would not be deemed as too far gone, but I think having some structure in a safe environment on non-housebound days could help rather then hurt.  Could it hurt for me to lift a few weights?  At home, physical therapy took me from the oxygen brink a few years ago. I reduced falls and was able to increase some stamina. It seems like a far better and SAFER option then the Y.  If physical therapy kept me alive longer what could that do?

If they really care about fat people, they need to help us do what we can do. The financial and other barriers need to be removed in terms of healthy food and exercise too. Those people getting so obese on the Islands, the cheap and processed food being spread among their population hurt them too.

The Happier Days

We can be happy and find new happiness.

I have had some happier days lately, and one thing in common is I am paying attention to doing what makes me happy. I always liked to do fun things so there was always that, but now I can wake up and look forward to a some days not under the judgement of narcissists. This meme is right in that you need to learn how to be happy.

I think breaking off from the final enablers and flying monkeys was a big deal to me. There seems to be a break through here. Their poison was seeping in indirectly.  This final complete break-off, has given me to freedom. Even talking to the most removed one would hurt me, it's just how the "whole system" would treat me. Being "out of the system" entirely has brought a new stage of freedom and happiness.

The process of being happier can happen in knowing one can walk away and not "keep trying" and "banging their head on that proverbial wall" anymore. Realize the expectations. Ever ACON in a long term no contact will be asking themselves "What will make me happy?" "What do I want?" Learning to be happy can be a new skill.

Friday, June 17, 2016

More Paper Marbling


FBI Suspect

Please read the book "The Clinton's War Against Women". For those two sociopaths to be put back in power we are in trouble. I am ashamed of a country who will vote back in a philanderer and a woman who stood by him for her own political gain. She's no feminist icon since "marriage" brough her political power. The other sociopath running is no good either. Most people I talk to don't want to vote for ANY of them. Some of my friends had hope in Bernie, but they always shunt aside the populists of all flavors.

The Bird Has Flown the Coop

                                         picture by me

The Bird Has Flown the Coop

The Bird has flow the coop
It looked at all the other locked up birds
It took time to look at what
she managed to scoop
away from the Queen Spider in the corner
She saw a crack in the door
and took flight
though she was full of fright
The big blue sky was waiting
while the left behind birds pecked
Freedom paging saying Get away
from that wreck!
Those other birds were cold with glassy eyes
they'd huddle away from her in their fancy feathers
as hers drooped in sadness.
Sure they'd throw her a few birdseeds once in awhile
but they'd never cheep or chirp in her presence.
The bird wanted to sing
but knew it wasn't possible in that cage
Now that she's out, can she find a happy branch to sit on?


Fat Logic and Whitney Thore: An Illustration of the Fat Lies on Both Sides

Fat Logic Rips on Whitney Thore

Exercise your way into near death with your heart put into a gallop and you are still a bad for being fat and it's all YOUR FAULT! What I hate is the illusion of control that they supposedly say all fat people have with their weight. Thin people eat pizza and don't die and become 400lbs. I have to eat pizza only once or twice a month, it is not an every week food. Fat Logic is a fat hater website I have posted on before. In their illusionary world, if a fat person "eats healthy" and lives "proper", they will be automatically thin.

Whitney Thore's collapse brings back memories of when I was trying to fight my weight gain and the spells of dizziness, almost passing out, extreme sweat, heart feeling like it's going to beat out of my chest, and in my case, the asthma and COPD came to play too so that meant trying to suck in air too. Once Fat Logic dissed me talking about walking 2-3 miles and considering that "exercise", well I was doing what I could before my body imploded, hmm I guess to those freaks, anything short of a triathalon just isn't good enough!

Fat people get no breaks, so even Whitney Thore who exercises until she literally drops is considered a lazy "fat" piece of crap by these people and that if she "just ate normally" she'd be normal sized like her 70 year old parents. This is the lie on that side, that all obesity is caused by bad behavior. As I have said for years, what part of this is not all under people's control do some not get?

But now I am going to go to the other side.....and I am not going to give Whitney Thore a total break either. Whitney Thore has a show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Life". The lies and cognitive dissonance of selling "fat" as being a fabulous condition is breaking down. Just like the show Sister Wives has shown polygamy to be a failed state for women and children, this show is showing us that delusionary side of size acceptance. What does size positivity mean when your own body is a jerk to you? Why can't we stand up against discrimination against fat people without the overcompensation and saying, "Everything's great and I'm happy to be fat!"

Fat hurts, Fat makes the body break down. The "happy to be fat" thing is a lie. Whitney with her big smiles and happy go lucky bouncy personality is the epitome of what I have talked about. Instead of this country facing realities about the skyrocketing obesity rates which I believe have deeper environmental and other factors then "poor personal behavior", we are sold this lie that being fat is a great condition to be in. This is one area in our society where America's focus on positivity at all costs is going to burn people big time. It's keeping the other side in business like this is ALL A CHOICE.

As I wrote in "Seeing Through the Obesity Lies" both the diet industrial-personal responsibility and the extreme fat acceptance--selling of fat sides are propping each other up. What are we to make of Whitney Thore whose own body is betraying her? Whose so desperate to appear happy? As I got to her size circa 1996 and later peaked out in late 1997 at near 700lbs , I knew I was dying mid 400lb weight gain. I wasn't smiling about it or assuring people how happy and fabulous life was. It sucked. A lot of people got angry too at me in size acceptance. What are we to think of Whitney Thore whose own body is destroying her happiness at every turn? Exercise is a failure for her obviously. It's not improving her health. It didn't do much for me but make me bloat more. I cleaned out some of my apt yesterday driving my blood sugars up--I haven't figured out why more activity is giving me higher blood sugars but it does. Will ditching the pizza and eating kale salad, change her life? I was promised such things that didn't pan out. Their diet dreams are lies to me. I'm always cooking and doing the "healthy eating" but it didn't give me a new body either.

For years I have talked about how the fat acceptance movement ignored what fat itself did. Whitney is sick. Whitney is headed down my road. I believe she has something wrong with her beyond PCOS. She indulges in the delusion I have warned of on this blog for years and been disgusted by. The thin smug people surrounding her engage her but you can see the rolling eyes and patronization. When they do a mock funeral for her, it is more of the patronization and societal disrespect of fat people. Here we have the same type of narcissistic personality shown such as was displayed on the show Ruby. Could they ever show us a fat person who reads and is serious? I guess not. The androgens in her body are probably sky-high even with the bald spot I saw on her head.

Whitney's body is not working like other people's. Exercise is not taking weight off. Exercise is not burning off  the "fattening" food she is eating. Whitney is getting sick. If she put her heart in A-Fib or it is not beating correctly from over-exercise, she is probably not long for this world especially with her pushing herself.  She indulges in the delusion I have warned of on this blog for years. Her show too has propaganda to make fat people look bad! Whitney rips her pants in the store because her butt is so big! Whitney's legs go side ways as she skies. Whitney and her mother buy a piglet for a pet, get it fat people and pigs? Fat people on a pro-fat show remain buffoons.

I would like Whitney Thore to come to my conclusions, and say "Look being fat is more complicated then these two lies, I have been handed" but I doubt it will ever happen. Obviously she loves to exercise, so even knowing the fat is costing her the dancing, should make her start asking questions and not going with the status quo. I don't see it happening sadly. I also now see the trend among the fat haters and it's being strengthened via these shows where people are writing things like "PCOS is not an excuse."  They sell more lies in the inverse. All medical conditions are not an excuse. Dieting works don't you know? Yeah right. Even Whitney's example will be used to sell the diets as we see exercise fail her. In delusion world, on one side all bodies work the same, and on the other being fat is something to be celebrated and one can be a dancer even as 200lbs and more piles on. "No Body Shame" may keep her from being more abused but it won't address the main problem.

I'm sick of it all.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Fear Of Loneliness From Narcissistic Abuse

Here is a great video from Ollie, that gets to the heart of an issue many ACONs struggle with. It is one I am struggling with in the present.

Why do I go silent when someone is doing something bad right then and there? Even with the autism woman I said nothing just one mild thing, "Well you are being kind of quiet today" and she ignored it. Now I am better in that I will cut someone off like that more immediately and not waste my time where the me of yesterday would beg "please like me". The me of yesterday would be thinking "I need this person so I am not alone". The me of today thinks, "I do not like you, you did not treat me right, and I am gone."  The time of "taking all comers" out of an inner lonely desperation is over. There is part of me right now even trying to train myself to BE ALONE and not need other people.

Certainly after years of disability and being housebound--remember my husband used to work 12-14 hours a day AWAY from me for years, I got used to being in solitude and living in a life of the mind so to speak where my hobbies became places of escape. My ability to entertain myself and never get bored even with hours of solitude is pretty strong but I still face problems in this area being discussed. He is right that the narcissists made us uncomfortable with ourselves, and I know even when I was younger, I had this neediness that would drive people away, that got better as I got older, but I still have too much self worth, tied up with other people.

My narcissistic parents used to torture me too saying "NO ONE LIKES YOU, and YOU WILL BE ALONE" and I know these things worsened this problem for me. There was a period of around two years too, right after college, where my college friends left town and during my first no contact where I faced having no one. I moved to Chicago too alone not knowing one soul. Those times stayed with me. ACONs need that time of learning to be alone and comfortable with themselves.  "I need to learn to be alone". When one can be comfortable in themselves and be alone and not base their worth on other people, they are in far stronger position.  They are less apt to be abused.

On many things this is not a problem. I spend hours alone, I have taken the bus alone, I have eaten out alone in the past. I can spend hours doing art, thinking and being alone happily enough. I prefer quiet and solitude quite a bit. I sometimes have husband drop me off and go to places alone but still there is this facing extreme yearning for "belonging" and a weird feeling of emptiness in that I have so few local friends. There seems to be some idea in my head even now, that I need more local friends and social ties to be a worthy person and underlying it is this fear of loneliness. This video by Ollie has helped me understand what is going on.

I even get smart and say to husband on occasion, "What would I do with all these would be local friends if I got them, my energy is so low?" When I am not in bed or online, there's endless things to take care of like medical duties, cooking, helping him, and more.  Writing this was broken by three phone calls, two medically related. Here I have to face the realities of my life and adjust the expectations.

Ollie says "We gotta learn to like ourselves and give ourselves a break". Wow he even mentions that feeling of being locked inside our own heads, telling ourselves how bad we are with the narcissists words going through our minds. It does make us open to narcissists. The NEED for other people, makes us vulnerable like prey where one is seeking the compassion of others to fill the hole inside that he mentions.  It leaves an opening for the toxic who see our need and pounce! Here we have to overcome the codependent training.

I am in a period of transition now where I am not putting up with things I put up in the past. How many ACONs, put up with way too much from people? We put up with a lot out of fear of loneliness. I even stayed VLC with the family for too many years because I feared being alone and "not having a family" but I never really did. This was even worse in my 20s, I would be friends with total jerks who were mean and nasty to me. And now I understand why. Even after going NC, I changed the last vestiges of this as I ended some friendships even one of 30 years duration. When I went NC, and was cutting off my entire family, that friend said to me before I knew I would be ending that friendship too, "You should not go no contact with your family. You are going to end up all alone" and I said, "I'd rather be alone then ever abused by anyone again." Many people stay in the narc pit for life, fearing loneliness, it is a tool used by them.

Ollie is correct about those after effects of after no contact. This video is right up my alley and then some. Thank you Q for showing me this video.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

How to Be Happy

How to be Happy in life from the Whatdowhentheplanetdies blog.
This is a great article. I love it. It sums up many issues. This is an issue I have thought about "How to be happy in life". Some of the things I've written here are about finding more happiness even in a round about way. More happiness will come avoiding narcissists and achievement queens! Let me quote some paragraphs from this article and then comment!
FIRST, you seniors (especially ones with fibromyalgia, ouch) have the hardest time being happy.You are often in physical pain from arthritis, bad feet, all problems of getting old physically, plus cancer killing you & the deaths of wives, relatives, old friends, your work-death, & your retirement-money’s death, often broke, ALONE,(see: Wall St. & “bloated govt.”) and you are now living in an inferior environment, w/expensive food, more cancer, a bleak scary future, and, maybe worst of all, you have found out this truism:
Oh she is so right, no one talks about how old age really is, and even how for many in your late 40s and 50s, things slow down and it isn't just for the chronically ill set where they notice they are more tired. Pain is hard, aging is hard. Many people do end up poor, and one thing I remember is when I was young how the view of the future was more brighter.
There is no wonderful, or find-able, reason for life.You are not happy, (maybe you never were) and time has run out, to transform magically into a happy person. Despite all the psychiatrists, psychologists, and wisdom of the Chabad, you never got over your child-hood, or teen-age traumas (especially if they were extreme) and now, it’s clear that you never will.You spent all that insurance, or cash, on shrinks, and you now realize that therapy was all just to make every shrink a living. You could have had a very expensive wonderful vacation with all the insurance( and cash) and been happier on vacation.
LOL this one made me laugh, thinking of all the counselors many abused and depressed people have run to. While I wish I could get another counselor, I arrived at the point knowing counselors couldn't do much for me. They weren't going to wave a magic wand or get me a new body or buckets of money. The co-pay for me if I had it to begin with would mean more being spent on fun. For some of those spending real money on shrinks, unless you are in crisis mode, maybe a vacation would be more helpful. I too agree with the blogger, go on a nice vacation. Get away!
That is true. WHY did you search all your life, for the secret of life? Here is the reason: every single piece of literature mostly religious, or psychiatic, and all your  relatives and every single piece of publication,, has written that there is a magical “secret of life” that you just have to to discover.– – and then you’ll be happy. If you are very smart, intellectual, it is even worse because  you are more apt to spend  a lot of time, in philosophy and religion, searching for that secret  of life everyone assures you is there .Religions tend to be the worst of all, telling you that if you’re good, wonderful to everyone, kind to everyone, worked hard, etc., that will make you happy.– as well as  repairing the world.
I hit the road myself on the finding the "secret of life" even as a religious seeker in my pre-Christian days and it was a dead end road.  Before I was a Christian in my case, I read and studied about every religion on the planet. Even Christianity has been overtaken by the "secret of life" people who teach that if you are a "holy enough Christian" or if you "find your purpose" a la Rick Warren you will be automatically happy. Church has become white bread and white picket fence land where everyone is busy bragging about how much God has blessed them as the poor and ill slink out the back door. This goes even beyond the prosperity gospel  that treats God like their own ATM machine.

For my fellow Christians, stay away from those who teach, that life on this earth will be "made great" if you "do everything right". My faith nearly got turned into a cinder if I had not read the Bible and read parts where it says people should mourn when a baby is born because life is so hard, or the warnings about having tribulation, or knowing apostles and others being put to the stake were not having "the best life now" who knows where I'd be now.  The competitive capitalism model is not going to bring true Christian joy.
I met Christians who promised me if I got rid of "curses", if I removed every area of unholiness in my life, that my life would vastly change and improve. It all exhausted me. I got tired. At this point just let me rest and pray to God, and just exist. No more fixing projects. Everything was about becoming perfect and finding the "perfect" recipe to "fix my life". Some of this stuff was connected to weight loss and getting a good body too. Didn't Jesus say something about those who lose their life will find it?

Matt 16:25 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
For those so focused on seeing this life as a contest, they have lost the plot. For those who expect perfection in this lifetime and a fairy tales of fulfilled dreams, that's not how this world works.

In this world even for American Christianity it's all about having the most wonderful life and if you don't have a good and happy life, you're a failure and also a failure supposedly as a Christian. This is really bad in organized religion and applies to other religions too. The New Age movement, Hinduism, Buddhism etc. When I was in the UU church, all these New Agers would tell me that if I thought happier thoughts, I would be happy and wealthier. A few times I would sit around telling myself "Think Happy! Think Happy!" It never worked. Now being bombarded with Facebook memes that tell us we will have great lives if we have great attitudes is wearing.  There is this idea that if you find the "secret" [there is even that one book called THE SECRET] that you will be able to fix your life. Many are told rituals will save the day and doing good deeds and works will bring instant happiness too. Of course believing in salvation by grace I do not believe that but was there too myself. God doesn't care if you have a nice house, and a good resume either.
luck requires that you be born into certain circumstances, family, economics, era, country, continent, social and physical that greatly ensure that you’re more likely to be happy. Theologians say “Nay, nay,, nay!” But it is a fact. Being a rickshaw driver, in China, unable to get out of that particular grueling life, and only able to find brief respite by smoking opium in an opium den designates you as “unlucky”. It has nothing to do with KARMA, as it has never been proved that you’re unhappy now, because you are a very bad evil person in your past lives. There’s no proof. No one has ever come back from death, and said “I’m being punished because I was Hitler in a past lifetime.”
Karma is only a justification, for why you’re being punished now. Forget it! Like above, “there’s no proof of karma..
I always said of Karma it is a teaching that serves the elite, because they can pat the poor on the head, throw them a penny and say, they are working off past evil deeds in their suffering and that their wealth is from their enlightened status. We see even a bit of that in the false churches. God will bless you if you do what is "right". Many are "happy" in doing evil. It's true. The teaching of karma in my opinion is a tool of oppression. The Oligarchy loves it, as they eat, pray and love their way across the land, they can tell themselves they are 'spiritually blessed" because they are "good people" and the poor are "bad people".
"Don’t fall for that  old motto that says “the poor are able to be happy also.or, even more happy than the rich.” I can tell you from experience,  it’s very very miserable being poor. That’s why nobody wants to be that way! if certain religious clerics, or people, have convinced themselves that they’re all so happy with it, let them have it. Very few people are still happy being extremely poor, in the way of the world. Even a very loving affectionate family often cannot make up for it.. It is better to have a loving, affectionate family if you’re poor,but extreme poverty still makes your loving affectionate family miserable also.
Yes poverty is often glamorized, when the reality is most of it worldwide is brutal and does not bring forth higher ideals but ignorance, starvation and suffering. They've done studies in America that a certain amount of money is needed for happiness. Too poor and your every thought is on survival, and with a little stability happiness is far more possible. 75,000 dollars in America now is what scientists have said is the amount of money where an America will have no financial barriers to happiness.
"here is another necessity of life, that is a sure component of being happy;you  really have to be PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY, and EMOTIONALLY WELL. And that also requires luck.if you are extremely physically disabled, it is very difficult, in this world to be extremely happy.  Some people say that they are,  but I know for certainty, knowing a lot of the disabled community, that it really is a bitch, and a lifetime hazard to happiness.  human beings were made to be physically, mentally and emotionally well, as the world is hard, competitive, and ruthless itself.disabled people are more likely to be very poor, as nobody wants to hire them, and it’s really hard to make a living."
Yes ever hear the saying "Lose your health and you lose everything?" Many disabled too who are chronically ill for decades it takes a toll on their lives. This too is based on the roulette wheel. I'm not going to say ill health is God's will because disease and illness came into the world via sin. This doesn't mean sick people sinned themselves but it is a fact of the natural world. Those with physical, mental or emotional disorders definitely have a full plate. No one chooses these things either. These things are hard enough in themselves to deal with but with the ruthless crowd using stigma to marginalize everyone in those categories, this world is not always a happy place for people. It is really the marginalization and stigma that brings the most unhappiness beyond dealing with the physical realities of disabilities or lack of money. There's more abuse too in telling sick and poor people, that they gotta be happy and "satisfied" with their lot and not make any waves. Too many want to sweep you under the carpet  The whole message is "Don't talk about what is really going on, you bad "negative" complainer!" Who can be happy anyhow if everyone's focus is on fixing you or telling you that you must fulfill long lists of expectations to be acceptable?
"one way to  accomplish happiness, even with some of those worst characteristics above, is to NOT THINK. Yes,  we are advocating that you not think! DO NOT EXAMINE LIFE. Because the more you think about it, and study it, the more unhappy you get! very intelligent, or/and sensitive humans (especially artists,) are some of the unhappiest people. Being more intelligent, and REALIZING HOW HARD IT IS, TO CHANGE BAD CIRCUMSTANCES, AND HOW UNFAIR LIFE IS, —AND THE INABILITY TO CHANGE or CONTROL LIFE—CAN MAKE YOU VERY UNHAPPY. You are too smart to be fooled by dumb clap-trap about “you can control your life; You can control happiness, no matter your problems”. “Call our psychics, & find happiness!” “find happiness in God”!!!"
LOL Thinkers in this world are more prone to unhappiness. Being an angst filled artist type personality is NOT easy. It's true artists tend to be the most depressed people. The good side is you can dig in deep and pull out great art but to be a good artist you have to let yourself feel, and this can be the painful side  Sensitive feeling people are definitely in for it. Often it's easier for certain personalities to kind of stay above the fray while others get right into looking at things. Reality is a hard pill for many to swallow. The "dumb clap-trap" has driven many mad! It's all lies and it doesn't work in the real world! Many people too out of fear and conformity choose believing in all the delusions. It's easier to believe in lies to go along to get along rather then actually examining anything and THINKING about it.
"There are ways to consider, “HOW MUCH CONTROL have you got over your life?” or how much have you EVER HAD? IT’s time to realize, how LITTLE CONTROL we have had,and have, over our life circumstances.
NO, YOU DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH CONTROL OVER LIFE!! go watch the old HBO SERIES, “SIX FEET UNDER”, and observe how much control, any of these characters had over their deaths, OR LIFE. Most of these people tried to control life, and failed.Much of of our life is already decided for us. You can TRY, but, please, be realistic. You have much LESS CONTROL than we are blamed for."
Its true, we don't have as much control as they tell us. Americans especially have had their butts whipped with the "up my your bootstraps" ethos and "you choose your destiny" platitudes. These are upper middle class and beyond philosophical stirrings, because if you can buy it, maybe you can change something. It's interesting in some cultures, they explore ideas of fate. I don't see the bible telling human beings that they "control" their lives, but a lot of false preachers do teach this. In America, our lives are seen as the outcome of choices but this is a lie. How many things happen to people where they had no choice in the matter. People don't choose illnesses, they don't chose to be laid off from jobs or to be sent off to war. There are indeed many things outside our control. Telling people you controlled it all, and the bad outcomes are your fault, is definitely the foundation of much severe angst. It's a delusion that must be let go of. Self-blame just leads to the depression pit.
there are even people who say, BLACK PEOPLE who stick together, ARE HAPPIER. (TRUE.)–And if you noticed, your Hispanic neighbors may be  happier, with their families.White people get dumped, often, alone,old,  sick or poor, unlike the fore mentioned 2 races.When black or Hispanic folks hang together, supportive, the white person, alone, is unhappier. With this statistic looming, have white people in the U.S.A. FORGOTTEN how to be supportive families? And DUMP very disabled or old, ect., family members? It appears very possible.
She's right about this, there will be exceptions in every category, but at least in the inner city, they can admit to each other the system is broken and unjust. They are not shamed for being poor and told that it's all their fault. Their relatives and others admit and KNOW the system is broken. The extended family and other ties are more strong despite the other challenges. While they face racism and other challenges, they have support among each other.  In food pantry lines, I have noticed black people who have friends and family with them supporting them talking and laughing with one another, while the white people are all solitary, despondent and depressed. Something definitely has gone wrong in mainstream America. To be poor and white now means being ALONE.

 Outside of some rural and Appalachian circles, there's no community for poor white people, you are an instant outcast. If you tell the more well-off whites the system is broken, and why can't you get a job, they get angry and blame you. The system has rewarded them so you are at fault. They will shame you for "complaining about the world", well why not? The world has been a great place for THEM. Your economic failure is supposedly your own doing.   This may be one reason white death rates have soared among the poor and are more stable in the inner city. How many broken down and poor white Generation Xers were thrown away by successful families? Many of us gaze upon other cultures and envy the family support and different mentalities. There's many a time that I have wished I was born into other cultures even within America. Maybe we need more people breaking away who reclaim their dignity and happiness even being poor who question this whole system and "self-reliance" as something that just been used to beat people.
 "DON’T BE POOR, if you can help it.
ACCEPT your self the way you are. Mostly that is out of control except for the few things that you can doesn’t help make you happier, to hate yourself for what you can’t do or can’t be.
ACCEPT THAT THE WORLD IS OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, and most or at least many of things in life are completely out of your control. It does not help to be a control – freak. SORRY! It’s just reality!"
This is great advice. There are a few things we can change, but yes accepting ourselves is part of the quotient. ACONs were never taught this self-acceptance, and many of us buy a lot of unhappiness never feeling satisfied with who we are, and feeling like we always have to impress others, or "be more".  For us ACON's who break away this can be intense learning process.  Even with this community I am now living in, I know my values do not match theirs. They have become self satisfied and focused on certain things due to their affluence. With people always being told they are not enough just being who they are, this is a recipe for depression unlike no other, so yes, this is good advice. Unlike control freak narcissists, a happier more stable person will admit, they cannot control everything in the world! People are being abused being told everything is under their control! It sets them up for more unhappiness as they scurry around or keeping hitting their head on the brick wall to change things and themselves.
PICK  FRIENDS who  accept  you the way you are. Stay away from people who overly judge you, or berate you for your problems, and tell you “you could make a lot more money if you just shaped up, got over ALL those problems, and got a really good job.”– – like it’s very easy, now, to just go out, in the United States,  and get a very good job. Ha ha. Even the experts can’t do it.oh, and, you’re supposed to “just get over those  little problems, it’s so easy!”
Yes pick friends who have unconditional friendship and love to offer, not people who will put you through the hoops. Avoid Project Friends, "Fix-Its" and Achievement Queens. Stay away from people [relatives or friends] who treat you better when you have more money and worse when you have less or are always focusing on how you can improve yourself. Stay away from the judgers and anyone who sees you as "charity project".  The economy is run like the Lotto, so why are people treating each other like all these things are guaranteed and based on "choices"? 
STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP, for not being happy. Most of the planet people are not happy, because it is a very hard world, for the majority of its inhabitants, are not very happy. It is also a fallacy that most Americans are happy. Drug addiction and alcoholism in the United States is rampant, (says one very good workbook on depression,,)  because nobody in this society is supposed to express not positive, painful feelings. According to Americanism,, you are always supposed to be HAPPY. NO UNHAPPINESS! NO NEGATIVE FEELINGS! What are you supposed to do with them? Americanism requires that you drug a lot, and/or drink a lot, and hide all of your negative feelings. It doesn’t really help, it just makes you an addict.(the above statement that it might be better to be a drunk, or be a druggie, iis really up to you..)
Happiness is being run like a contest now. Facebook shows this where everyone wants to show off having exciting, great and the happiest lives. Leaving the contest sounds like the way out.  It's true, most people in this world have very hard lives. Read history and many people suffered from the middle ages to the age of pioneers and beyond. The ideals of American culture are based on delusions, many of the world's people face hardships beyond measure. There's a reason there is more happiness elsewhere in the world even in poor places. This country has become one sicko fest of constant competition.  It's true people are drugging and drinking often to squelch emotions especially in a society that tells people that talking about reality or showing any "negative" emotions is bad, so it's easier to tie one on, and laugh in the bar and then go home and cry at home behind closed doors. Who wants to hang around fake people who can never express one emotion or inner thought? That's a lonely place.
THERE  ARE a few things, in your life, probably even very tiny ones, that you can control. Some of them can make you happy sometimes. For example, those of us who worship at the shrine of SpongeBob Square pants, are made very happy by him.:) even if only for a few minutes a day. There are also those of us who are made happy by fashion, writing, artwork, drawing, painting, sewing, and trying to knit. (Yes, I am trying it’s not as easy as you think.  SEE above: don’t expect yourself to be perfect.–this includes very difficult knitting. However, it is fun.) Maybe you like TREES! If you are an Oregon native you very likely like trees!– – and you try to do what you can to watch out for them.
Yes it is the little stuff where one can be happy, hobbies, art, nature, writing and more. Do what makes you happy outside of people's judgments. Many people have forgotten how to enjoy life. Fun is now ignored as an imperative. One thing I notice about all the people yelling at me for not being happy enough, most were workaholics, invested in impressing others. Are they happy? Some had no hobbies. Liking trees is a good thing too. Find what makes YOU happy too not what others will tell you what will bring happiness. The people telling me to do all these certain things to be happy made me more unhappy.

BE KIND TO OTHER is not only good for them, it makes you feel like a worthwhile person. It doesn’t mean you have to be Rockefeller or have your own huge charity. Just do what you can! Especially personally!

Being kind to others too, is a good thing as well. Try and make others happy and bring happiness to yourself!


Friday, June 10, 2016

Life Lately and Dealing with Mean People

I'm housebound  due to heat this weekend but I plan to work more on my comic, which I am finally seeing the end in sight. I plan to make turkey enchiladas for dinner, hoping to add vegetables so they are not too carb rich, thankfully I have a lot of zucchini. I did get out a little bit and took pictures last weekend as you saw.

 This next week is supposedly Aunt Scapegoat's funeral. I don't plan to go. The mean people of my family will meet and fake some pious grieving and say a few nice things about her they never said to her face and will "move on" with life.

I would have no money to go even if I wanted to. We paid the bills including the last part of the IRS Offer in Compromise off, so I have only 10 dollars left on me. The near end of the tax saga comes as a great relief after years of worry. It is having a giant boulder taken off our heads.

Even if I got a friend to drive me the 200 and something miles down there, one needs to be able to feed oneself and give a friend some gas money, so it wouldn't happen anyhow. I even wrestled sending flowers but then thought why would I send flowers to people I am no contact with? That seems kind of silly.

It stands out to me now how my brother wanted me to go to her funeral and the rest, and this is an aunt too who refused to write me or call me even as I tried for years.  One needs to let go of false guilt. I remind myself, "They do not care."  Guilt can be the tool that mean people use to keep you in control. Funerals are perfect hoovering material. Watch out for that. The person who is gone, is gone, and you won't be seeing them but your narcissists.

We learned our building managers are leaving. They treated us decent. They fixed things. I'm worried about the new ones. I hope they are not mean. These building managers stood out being so nice.

I'm learning to deal with mean people in new ways. This can be hard. As I wrote earlier, this is a new stage of no contact, and it can make you feel off kilter?  I am telling myself who can be trusted and who cannot. I met this woman who was mean the other day.  I had this one woman act really friendly to me one day and then super-cold the next. Maybe she wanted something, like a volunteer and then when she learned the true state of my health and knew I couldn't deliver, she dropped me like a hot potato. Being on disability, some seem to think there's someone with a lot of free time to volunteer! Well maybe 10 years ago and the housebound thing got in the way even then.

She was very friendly one day and on a second meeting and then the next it was "freeze-out" time. We never became "friends", this was someone I met a disability seminar but I found myself thinking "What went wrong?"  There was never any argument, never any harsh words.  I was polite and friendly and did not talk about my problems. Sometimes it seems people are just getting weirder. I was kind of shocked that she is allowed to treat people this way.

I was kind of tested as I walked into a room with husband and I and my husband were talking to someone else, and she wouldn't say a word to me. I said "Hello" with her right in front of my face, and this was totally ignored. I told myself "Don't beg! and keep your mouth shut!" The me of yesterday would have gone up and said "What's wrong?" and usually at that point, a person like that would put me down, and list all my faults and it would provide an avenue for them to hurt me.

I think people who treat others like that are terrible people so I told myself "Keep your mouth shut and don't give in." At this point you want nothing more to do with her or as a little as possible anyway. I think she was in shock, that I said nothing, no begging, and she just walked away. I plan to never to talk to her again or if there is contact via a community event or venue, I will say as little as possible and walk away. I feel "hard and cold" but I can't do what I used to do anymore. It opened me to mean people and being abused. I was trained to put up with and accept weird and abusive behavior and this is something I am changing. As soon as someone makes me feel like that I am done. At least now I will waste far shorter periods of time on people like this.

The other day, I and my husband were at a mobile food pantry, waiting on a hot day. Yes it's the same one where the guy closed the door in my face. The church secretary as I stood by a door while on my walker while waiting outside on a very warm day in line for a few seconds came out and shouted at me, "Get away from the door!" like I was a piece of trash. I shouted back, "I was just resting and do I look like I am in great shape being on a walker?" Anyhow she went back inside and I and my husband were standing and talking for a short period of time and we walked over to this cement "bench" that is near the door, and we walked by a cement planter to sit down and she came back flying out the door and shouted at us, "Don't touch that planter" in a really vicious tone of voice. I then at that point said, "We didn't even touch it, and we were just sitting down!" She said something else about us touching the planter, and I then asked her "Why she was bothering us?" I had told my husband how she talked to me while I stood by the door no one was trying to get through and he stood up for me and even threatened an EEOC complaint on her based on my disabilities. This shut her up and she left.

 I don't think I am imagining the abuse we are going through. One guy at a different time then as we were lined up, shut the door in our face as I was on a walker trying to get through the door. I smell some fat bigotry and a strong whiff of stinking classism. These wealthy white people think that we don't deserve their help and probably think if I could "lose weight" I could go get a job. Some in the community know I have the rare disease of Lipedema, but it seems my leg wrappings would tell them more is wrong then just "being fat".  We even have seen others cut in line and they say nothing to them though other folks have expressed their outrage. Sometimes I think mean people just try and abuse whoever they think they can get away abusing. Hopefully now we will be left alone. I see that with the poor, they do take a lot of grief from people, some are so broken down, they don't stand up for themselves. It is a shame.

Life in America really is getting worse on so many more levels. People ARE getting meaner it is not my imagination. I think of myself even standing in front of that door, I was minding my own business. What kind of woman screams at some old tired fat woman on a walker? She got up from her desk just to come bawl me out.  I would have moved if asked nicely. These are supposed to be Christians too?

I'm working on not letting any mean people in any longer and standing up for myself. It's not an easy process but one that needs to be done.

Whitney Thore Exercises All the Time and is Still Fat!

I am watching Big Fat Fabulous Life, and probably have to wait until next week to find out what put her in the hospital. Whitney Thore is so active with all the dancing, shopping and running around and she stays so fat!

 I think something could be wrong with her beyond the already diagnosed PCOS adding to her weight, perhaps untreated sleep apnea, or other endocrine issues. She does not appear to have Lipedema to me but a doctor would have to examine her. I couldn't walk 5 miles after I passed around the 320 mark, that was over for good. She does not have asthma or COPD but she is getting very ill from exercise, and one thing to note in this show is how she constantly pushes herself.

That part to me is dangerous and a message they give to fat people that you must push yourself no matter what and when she tries to dance for 4 hours, which is something even difficult for in shape thin people, she pushed herself right into the ambulance and emergency room. They tell fat people to push yourself into the brick wall to not be fat anymore.

When I was young, I got SICK constantly from exercise which was constantly frustrating and it got worse. In my case, my lungs went early.  I had no car, and had to walk everywhere and in Chicago some bus stops were a half mile away from each other, and I still lost nothing. It reminds me of what she is going through. My COPD medicine I went on last year actually improved my walking quite a bit though I am still from normally mobile. Whitney Thore definitely has some problems. The sad thing is she will be blamed for being fat when it is obvious she is exercising all the time, and loves to be active.

Doctor Warns Lipedema Can Be Life Threatening

Lipedema with all the societal condemnation and pain is a very difficult disease, especially when it takes years to get diagnosed.

Lipedema can be life threatening [this is the video above, dealing with the picture I used at this article]

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Best Friends Forever

I wonder if they will invite which ever one wins to their respective inauguration? Hillary got busy
cooking the books in California. Years ago I knew our elections were all a false show-time. Monsanto and Goldman Sachs will get it's chosen man or woman!

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Some things about Immigration I don't get....

                                         from right wing

My neighborhood  in the last few years has had a flood of immigrants to it. They are mostly from India. Those who I have met are nice people.  But inside I think to myself, "Why do they have good jobs and nice cars, why my husband doesn't get to have the same thing?" We drive a rust bucket and they have the latest model automobiles. They aren't wanting for a job. They are wearing suits and the American dream is coming true for them. The American dream for us and many others is long ago dead. Don't ask your millennials either.  More then 40 percent of them are still living at home with their parents. I bet they would want some good jobs too, instead of being made into perpetual teenagers who can't even afford an apartment.

Some people told me, "Oh they are good at engineering and IT and Americans aren't" but I know SEVERAL unemployed IT and engineering people who were born here. One guy whose been here all his life fixes my computer in town for 25 bucks a pop. That's pretty cheap. I bet he would want a good job that paid well too. Why are they handing H-1B Visas out like candy while Americans go without work? Is this the kind of stuff that is going to get Trump elected?

Here's one thing I want always wanted to know too is why can't Americans go anywhere for a better life? I am too sick but I know people who have tried to emigrate, and it seems unless you are ultra-wealthy or can bring hundreds of thousands of dollars with you, you can't go anywhere.

 My husband wanted to live in England for good when he was young in the early 1990s but the rules were he had to leave within 6 months based on a special student program he was in. The rules are even more strict today.  So he had no choice to stay, he had to come back unless he "worked off the grid" or as an "illegal" in England.  What is weird is England has a ton of third world immigrants but if you are from the first world forget getting in unless you have money or other connections. My husband is the first generation son of German immigrants so maybe he found European culture a more comfortable place, but he was still blocked out. What kind of life could he have had in England? It's good he came back to the USA so we could meet, but it's sad for him. He didn't know he could claim German citizenship up to age 23, by then it was too late and he was used to America being there from birth.

One of my online friends got married to someone else from another country, and the immigration rules were so horrible and expensive, the marriage ended up breaking apart. Marriage doesn't allow any mercy if you don't fit in a special category. I joked to the one from Australia and said, "Go in via Mexico" but that wasn't a real option. The American side of the equation was not allowed to go to Australia either.

Its like everyone ELSE can go anywhere they want, but unless an American is a millionaire, or has an extreme specialized skill [journalism doesn't it cut it but medical skills might], the doors are shut to an American wanting to seek out a better life or opportunities. I and my husband discussed him getting a job in Canada, a few years ago after hitting nothing but dead ends here. "Maybe you should see if there are journalism jobs there? "Well that's not happening, a disabled person can't move to Canada. If there is one disabled member of the household, it's a no go! I know a story where this one doctor wanted to move to Canada and he had a disabled daughter with autism and was barred from entrance.

Chinese people are gaming our college system and paying people to take tests for them to enter USA universities. It's not just the companies dissing Americans and putting them last but more and more colleges want foreign money and students. Forgotten is that in some dog eat dog nations, you do what it takes to survive, which often puts honesty last. I remember even my own state university having a ton of foreign students. To be honest maybe that has held the college bubble off. So while Americans realizing college isn't paying off and the student loans are too high, maybe foreigners attending US universities have kept them afloat.  Sometimes I think globalists are stupid, and totally naïve to boot, they act like the rest of the world is run like 1950s America. So while they bar Americans from succeeding, they act dumb about real things and corruption.

I get sick of our government always handed endless foreign aid to other countries and pushing that nation-building garbage when all of them always head to social security disability first to make cuts. They ignore our teeming ghettos and dying industry, and head over to the rest of the world to pass out more money we don't have. Politicians always go on about the world this and the world that, while the country is falling apart. The churches send everyone overseas too. They ignore the ghettos and the people living in shacks in our rural areas, and go to the warm beaches like the Duggars to "witness". Aren't there any Americans that need help? I see them with their cardboard signs and shopping carts all over the place.

There's a reason America wants to vote for someone like Trump. I don't trust Trump to save the day either but understand this is one point he has sold himself on.  Other countries seem to put their own people first, while this one just puts us last on behalf of all the globalist dreams. Why are Americans always being put LAST by their own country? Why is everyone allowed to come here, when people here can't go anywhere? Our young people are being pushed into more and more severe poverty now unable to afford their own apartments as the powers that be here, seems to want to hand everything to the rest of the world while dismantling all the manufacturing here. If Americans can't get jobs, why do some liberals act like there is endless work for everyone?

I was a bit afraid to write this because some people may shout xenophobe but something is very wrong with the system. I grew up best friends with Vietnamese immigrants who got shot at trying to leave Vietnam during the Vietnam war. I am married to a son of immigrants. His parents probably would have done better to have stayed in Germany, they died poor but they did get to enjoy some years of prosperity until the USA economy started to fall off the cliff.

I have enjoyed other cultures and what they have to bring to the USA. I believe there is a place for legal immigration but isn't there something UNFAIR, about the Immigration system. Do those people have a point about Americans always being put last? I certainly don't blame people who are simply trying to survive. In this world you have to make all sorts of decisions. The elites and oligarchy have no interest in ending their endless globalist wars that make for refugees and human suffering like in Syria, and the no one is holding Mexico to account for it's corruption which forces people out to just survive.

I believe legal immigration can be an asset, and I enjoy encountering other cultures, and I am even married to someone whose family came from elsewhere but something is really wrong with the immigration system and something is wrong with a country that is selling out it's own people and doesn't take care of it's own first. When I lived in Chicago, I used to envy the immigrants there, I know that sounds weird, but they had their own people supporting them, they had groups and a heritage and a sense of belonging. This is something lacking for Americans more and more.

Many Americans feel adrift, like they do not belong to anyone or anywhere and this is why you see the resentment building in some circles. Some have been made strangers in their own towns where while they see opportunity, community and connection for outsiders, there's nothing for them. I lived in a dying rural town where as people watched the factories close and their futures dry up, the pain was unbelievable. That can bring real grief to people's lives. That was supposed to be my life long home. Now I live on the edges of a larger town where I have never felt the same sense of community.  They have been cast off, and know their financial futures are dismal. I don't think the immigrants are to blame for that, I blame the powers that be who use immigration to bust wages and to serve as a safety valve for their endless globalist enterprises. No, I don't trust Trump to fix these things either. Hillary definitely has no interest in doing so either.

Third World Guilt-Tripping