Thursday, June 2, 2016
Trust Issues and Later No Contact Issues
Please watch Narcissism Survivor's Trust series videos when you get a chance.
This series which Joan showed me, thank you Joan, is helping me a lot and he is dealing with some very deep issues, I am dealing with now.
This includes major trust issues, not being able to feel close or connected to new people, or trusting them. In my case having to walk from so many people it has been difficult outside of my husband, a few friends and online friends, I have been struggling myself with who I could trust. I had been burned so badly. Narcissism Survivor has dealt with the same issues.
His video on where we have a negativity reflex at the behest of narcissists reigns true in my life. I learned to hide happiness to protect it. When I smiled and laughed, punishment awaited with the sheer focus of making sure my happiness ended. Because of the circumstances of my life, hope got very hard for me to hold on to. I tend to look at the dark side of life a lot. I have not had an easy life would be an understatement. I don't want any abusers anymore screaming at me to be positive and using that as a hammer but I am working on trying to find more happiness and positive things even in the midst of troubles. We all need balance. This may be a struggle for ACONS. I have my good days. I compartmentalize parts of life to keep the happy places but I know it's time for more integration, and it's time to be more relaxed and enjoy the freedom.
Lucy and the football, we all have lived that one, where Lucy snatches away the football and that sums up our narcissists always destroying us, when we put trust in them. And yes it does affect our trust in other people. We learn not to be vulnerable. Trust is a very hard issue for me right now.
I have been betrayed in this last year more then any other year I ever remember in my life. When I was in contact with my abusers, I was "asleep and in denial", like Narcissism Survivor mentions in his negativity reflex video, I did not want to deal with things. After I woke up and figured out that not everyone thought like me, and cared about other people's feelings, it has been a very hard lesson to learn and live in with. While we have to learn to listen to our intuition on who not to trust, we have to be careful of the pitfall of closing ourselves out from all of humanity.
In this third video posted at the top above, Narcissism Survivor is right we are still dealing with the fall out of the smear campaigns and the loneliness after the original no contact. It has wiped 40 people from my life, and I have realized the damage done to untold relationships. I spent time trying to fix some family relationships realizing those were lost before giving up on those this year. Our trust has been altered. "We don't trust because we don't want to be hurt".
I know this is a very hard issue I have been struggling with. He is right about the shame inside that makes you withdraw. Inside I too have that fear, always that I will be rejected and hated by new people like how my family hated and rejected me. I feel that shame too, where I think "Well if one's own family hated me, who will love or like me?" I think all ACONS struggle with this to a degree. I also know in my case losing so many people to death and my last community left me emotionally devastated too.
He says "I don't want the people around me to look at me like those others I have been isolated". His feelings of isolation and embarrassment have carried over to the new people who have no contact with the narcissists, and I am dealing with that too. It certainly is NOT fair to them and is something that will create distance even with the good people. It can be a paralyzing fear.
I kept wondering recently why my own social confidence since going no contact has sunk like a rock to the point I have asked myself "what is wrong with me"? It is something which has troubled me. I told my husband this development worried and scared me.
These videos were a godsend in the way, as they have answered my questions. I told my husband I feel scared of people like I was whisked back to teenage years. Sure I'm an Aspie but I didn't use to be this afraid. Even yesterday I was at a social event [disability book club] and feeling socially on edge. He talks about not wanting to be set up for that fall again. I feel that so badly. For so many years, I took so much abuse, and had so many lies told about me too. We don't want to be hurt again. I know inside I am scared of being hurt too.
This past year I have had so many betrayals, that it's never been like this before in my life. With the catfish, the spiritual abuser, the false friend of 30 years duration, life got scary for me. Then having the family all choose my mother's side to the extreme where there was no validation or notice into the extreme edges of the extended family, and realizing that I truly meant nothing to them was some very hard and disappointing stuff to take. I fell into that pit of trying to explain myself to people who were not interested and I had to face facts that there were really no relationships in places I imagined there to be and it hurt. Even strong effort on my part was not going to change these realities.
The smear campaign die had been cast and I had no control over what people thought and what side they choose. While we need to go no contact to save ourselves, there can be some price to it all. Perhaps ACONS who are newer at this need warned. It can be a very difficult process in the early years. No Contact for me was like picking at a scab and finding a giant infected wound from hell, beneath it. Now there has been healing but it has been so much harder then I ever have dreamed it would be. Three years in, I finally have unbound myself from the last of the enablers and monkeys who I have given up on and who made me feel just as horrible as the original narcissists I cut ties with.
I have made decisions I never would have imagined three years ago. Things have kept changing even now. The me of even a few years ago is different. Discovering the huge wound underneath tied into me WAKING UP. A good past deceased friend of mine would talk about how I was sleeping my way through life, I didn't get angry at her but did not understand what she was talking about, now I do. I had repressed and denied what was happening to me to survive. It's like my eyes were opened and I looked around with myself with horror but finally knew the truth and dealt with. It has not been without some pain.
With new people, these trust issues need confronted. He is right that somehow we have to get over that. Not everyone is going to harm us. We will miss out on good people. They have nothing to do with the narcissists. He says "We gotta to start trusting, we have to figure out a way to put ourselves out there." I know in my head, I am having to think things like "Not everyone is like your narcissistic family!" I am glad he talks about the feelings of being frightened on ever having to deal with people who think so badly of us, and not being able to deal with it again.
I wonder if no contact since it is an eye opener can bring up some more social anxiety issues in the first few years? Please tell me what you think. Did you deal with trust issues too? Your eyes are open and facing reality and reality can be a hard thing to face. Trust issues are bound to crop up, where you ask yourself now "Who can I trust?" as you understand what you have faced and learn to protect yourself and understand you don't accept abuse anymore. You cleaned your life of abusers and now you want to make sure there are no new abusers. You want people you can trust and be vulnerable with who won't hurt you.