Saturday, April 28, 2018

Another Blogger with Lipo-Lymphedema

An older article of mine, "Mental Health and Severe Lipedema" was recently shared in the Lipedema community and well received. I talked about some heavy issues in that article regarding Lipedema. I wrote about how it can affect us emotionally and otherwise especially in case like mine where diagnosis is delayed and people go into severe stages. The mental health impacts of Lipedema can be pretty serious. In my case, there were several other issues to contend with too, as well as being an Aspie and an ACON. I saw some of the comments, and many women agreed with me about how hard Lipedema is emotionally. Another blogger with Lipo-Lymphedema shared her opinions about my article too:

"It Always Comes Back to the Blessings"

"Destiny stepped in and the Lipedema Project posted in Facebook another blogger's article about Mental Health and Severe Lipedema.  After reading the post, I shared it with my friends on Facebook as well because the article really resonated with me. I wanted people to know how HARD this disease is not only because of the pain it causes and the physical deformities, but because of the stigma that follows its sufferers around because people just assume you are a lazy, overeating person who just can't control themselves and the mental anguish all of that causes.  Fighting yourself and society's ideas of who you are is exhausting - especially when you agree with a lot of the negative thoughts.

 Before starting Keto, I was headed down a very dark path.  Most people wouldn't have known it (I think) even if they were around me all the time because I had learned to hide it and was trying (unsuccessfully) to deal with it on my own.  I didn't have some of the issues that the blogger did (my family never rejected me, I was never hospitalized for infections, I am not in poverty) but I have/had so many others that have affected my life (and still are truth be told) in ways which I'm just not ready to verbalize (or write down) yet.  So I got it when the blogger posted, "...Your own body becomes an enemy when it comes to lipedema. I hated my body for years more often than not while I attempt to be more forgiving now." I understood her.  She talked about being told, "You have such a pretty face!"and while on the surface, that is a compliment, what someone like me hears (truth or not) is, "Your face is the only thing that saves you from being eaten by wolves" and not to mention when she discussed feeling as though you were being cursed. "

Article:"No Contact: When the Scapegoat Walks Away"

"No Contact: When the Scapegoat Walks Away"

This is one of the best ACON articles dealing with the scapegoat who walks away and then loses the entire family as the price for walking away from abuse. As everyone who is a long time reader of this blog knows, I went no contact with my malignant narcissistic mother and other narcissists. Around a year ago this included the decision to walk from the entire family. This article does a great service in describing what happens to the scapegoat who must make that difficult decision. In the ACON world, I have met others who have had to do it. The narcissist's will holds sway over the family.  The alienation can be difficult. I feared "being alone" but realized I had been alone [when it came to my "family"] all along. 

"The scapegoat says ‘no more.’

After decades of psychological abuse, random family interventions on the scapegoat, years of smearing, backstabbing, triangulation, and more likely than not, another attack of family mobbing – the scapegoat says ‘enough is enough.’ The final goodbye is not pretty, and usually, after the final confrontation, the scapegoat walks away. Nothing has worked. Assertion hasn’t worked, distress hasn’t worked, and most of the scapegoat’s warranted reactions have backfired on them.

The entire family watches on in dismay as the scapegoat informs the family that they will no longer be abused by them, and wants nothing more to do with them. They wander off into the darkness, (which eventually turns to light)  never to return.

An earthquake has literally erupted, and the scapegoat’s family of origin is left to pick up the pieces. Narcissism is one of the few conditions where the true victim is left alone in a complete state of emotional terror; and isolation, while everybody flutters around the emotional terrorist, and dotes on them. Whereas the true victim often walks away from their war-torn family, only to have a complete psychotic breakdown.

The entire family turns their back on the scapegoat in their time of need. Members who once supported the scapegoat have become victims of brainwashing and now believe in the lie. Not one single family member will check to see if the scapegoat is ok – and nobody tries to find them; because nobody cares. This is the nature of the narcissistic family unit."

fter an act of family mobbing against the scapegoat, all of the family members flock around the narcissist, while the real victim, the scapegoat, is left in a state of emotional terror.

The scapegoat has lost everything all in one sitting. They have lost their family, close relationships with the members of the family that were turned against them, their dignity, their reputation, and their identity. Their identity has been trashed in this family unit, they have no reputation left, and they are in a state of shock. It is not unusual for someone this bullied to have a complete psychotic breakdown, experience suicidal ideation, fantasise about dying, experience C-PTSD symptoms, huge triggers, and daily panic attacks.

Narcissistic abuse is a complete attack on the soul, personality, and emotions; almost always leaving victims feeling emotionally dysregulated, suffering panic attacks or agoraphobia. The scapegoat is left in a state of emotional upheaval.

This innocent victim of abuse has been cast out and left to fend for themselves. They are vulnerable, fragile, and broken.

This article also goes into the hardships when one is forced to walk away from an entire family. I was fortunate to have a loving husband with me. He has expressed feelings of relief since my no contact as well. I was dismantling toxic relationships right and left including all the false narcissistic friends as described in other articles. I am coming out into the light these recent months. Being freed from them all the last year, was the last puzzle piece to be put into place. 

"The scapegoat embarks on the biggest healing journey of their life

If the scapegoat has a partner, healing from narcissistic abuse is going to be a smoother process. However, if the scapegoat is completely alone in their healing, then they may struggle immensely. If they are alone, or with a clan of children (a single mother) while grieving, then the lack of family support will take its toll.

Either way, the scapegoat is about to embark on what could be described as one of the darkest, bleakest, scariest journeys a person can embark on. They are about to grieve years and years and years of abuse, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal, from the people who were meant to love them. Grieving an entire family is one of the darkest, bleakest, scariest journey’s a person can endure. It is often filled with horror, depression, shame, guilt, and condemnation of self.

Years and years of brainwashing has taken its toll and has controlled the scapegoat beyond belief. The chains which have held them captive emotionally for a lifetime, are finally about to begin to dissolve. This may take a number of years. However, as time goes on, the scapegoat will most likely eventually relinquish the crazy cult like beliefs drummed into them; as well as their brainwashed pathology – by finally realising that they can now be the autonomous being they always wanted to be, because no one is watching them, or judging their every move, any more.

This journey may be very painful, but joyful, bleak, but full of opportunity, and darker than one could imagine. However, once the grieving is done, the light is brighter than the scapegoat ever thought it could be."

The article describes the freedom that awaits too. I too have felt the freedom in no longer trying to please or be connected to people who treated me so poorly or dismissively. There is this idea now of living life, the way I want to live it, free of people's judgments that has led me to a lot more happiness. 

"However, at the very same time that the scapegoat experiences these terribly overwhelming, gut-wrenching feelings of shame, pain, guilt, anger, rage, and complete distress; they also feel an immense sense of freedom. For the first time in their lives they are free to do what they want, when they want to, without having a bunch of nasty onlookers laughing at them, picking their choices to pieces, disagreeing with their decisions, telling them how they should be, and still trying to control every single aspect of their lives in adulthood."

All are Real

Sunday, April 15, 2018

I joined a gym

                                       [picture source]

I joined a gym last week. So far so good. I've gone twice. My 4 months of illness with all those viruses told me physically I am getting in trouble. I can use the stepper at the gym but can't walk fast enough yet for the treadmills, maybe later. I did do hand weights and pull weights and there are a few machines I can use. Some machines don't work yet, but enough did for me to have something to work with.  I am probably the most disabled person any gym in the world has ever seen. I did see this guy who weighs 650lbs who joined a gym on Facebook. He is obviously disabled but went down to the 500s.

This gym is okay with someone coming in on a walker who has to go very slow. My husband is helping me, making this possible. He joined too. He is able to do the aerobic stuff and get on the bicycles and helped me on and off the Steppers. I am using 10lb weights and the lightest stuff but will see where this goes. During non-housebound times, I told him we should plan on going twice a week. The gym is open 24 hours. The structure will help me. More art is done when I go to art class and probably more exercise will happen now as well.

 I am kind of old, and almost 50. I am not expecting miracles or magic weight loss but doing something is better then nothing. I am just trying to stay alive. I also thought well the PACE program has exercise equipment but I can't afford to wait 5 more years to get some exercise. My four months of illness really messed me up, my diabetes got out of control, with blood sugars ranging from the 150s-130s. I had a few 170s. I was so sick.

Another reason I joined the gym, is I can't walk well anymore to walk around for exercise. I hurt my ankle with a severe sprain last year and it never was the same. It is easier to go on a Stepper and hold on to the hand rails, though I am going very slow, then trying to walk on bumpy sidewalks with a walker and an ankle that feels weak.  I used to walk around the apt building and stuff like that but I hurt the ankle last year trying to walk to begin with and it just wasn't as possible..  I fear weight gain because of this. Remember my body wants to be 700lbs again. It is not normal. Even to get my diabetes down, is taking bearing hunger pains and eating foods like cottage cheese and grapefruits and avoiding as much pasta as possible. I have considered skipping meals but I get so sick, I was late eating lunch one day, and it hit 4:00pm and I literally felt like I was going to pass out but I keep emergency food on me due to the diabetes and ate some of it.

I did get the sugars down this week back down to the 120s and low 130s until the later leg infection came. The eating is always adjusted for this. It's not easy. Remember when I told you all I asked doctors to hospitalize me for weight loss, because I felt unable to lose any weight they always turned me down. I am scared at the amount of weight my body wants to hold onto.  CICO has failed me. I am just trying to do what I can. It troubles me, why won't they hospitalize someone who is not losing weight? They can watch me and feed me a controlled diet and figure out adjustments. One doctor said with Lipedema this severe, it's more complicated. I get so sick without carbohydrates but even now I am wondering if I should switch to a more Keto diet or an adjusted one.

I also am planning to go see a Rheumatologist very soon to get a handle on so many infections, fevers, chills, pain and fatigue. I am trying my best. It's time. Women with severe Lipedema can face multiple autoimmune problems. If I have Dercum's, that brings more risk for infections.

My MLD said I already do at home what a Lymphedema Rehab would do with me, and realized she was right. I am seen as one of their most compliant patients with leg wrapping and sugar record keeping.  The other doctors said my weight was "stable" and I was not sick enough to be hospitalized for weight. Maybe it'd be boring being in some hospital bed and their food is worse, they aren't worried about non-GMO food and avoiding MSG. I was 530 last year and 526 last month, and 513 in the middle of the year. It does remain frustrating. Some of the hard fatty tumors seem to be growing

Sometimes my body weight does weird things, I almost had major wardrobe malfunctions at the gym. I told my husband sometimes my underwear is too loose on some days it's from the constant weight changes. I have to wear dresses to the gym, but tried wearing these cut off spandex shorts but they were too loose from years ago. My body is shaped so funny, normal clothing just doesn't fit right. I will be wearing shorter dresses at the gym.

One odd thing about me, is I used to like lifting weights when I was a teen. Our gym class in high school had some weight machines. I found it fun to do. I did feel some of this feeling of fun coming back. My husband told me he used to run into college and did exercises, he was on the school wrestling team. It will be good for his health too.  I have told him this will be our new hobby. Exercise bought me some time you know, the PT helped me a lot from years ago.

The gym people have been friendly to me. No problems there. This gym specializes in "no judgement" which I like a lot. I did get a leg infection, this week, probably from over-activity in general, but do plan to go back to the gym as soon as it is possible. It was great to find a gym we both can afford now too.