Friday, August 26, 2016

Are Your Bills Crushing You? Surviving While Poor

Are your bills crushing you? Mine are. There's three of them above ready to get me! lol Will payment plans keep them at bay?

I want to ask people how do you survive? Hey maybe fill me in here.

My life has become a litany of food pantries and the rest. Last week we went to the soup kitchen, in the inner city. They fed us spaghetti, it was direct, you line up, some people got free loaves of bread. Some of the men in there had "house arrest boxes" around their ankles, well that part wasn't good. It was rather austere but the meal filled us up.

 Some people would be afraid to go down there, but I have lived in ghetto areas long enough to know how to survive in them.  This is life as usual for me, as we have gone to community dinners. My husband went to a food pantry yesterday.  I was cooking all that squash I got and the last of the cabbage was used up on soup last week. Tomorrow is a community church lunch for the poor. Let's hope it's not hot!

 If you were to ask me what did you buy that was "extra" in the last three months beyond base survival, I would say, "One day I bought a chicken burrito for 6.95", and another day, I saw this beef jerky on sale for 3.50 which was half priced, which I bought and snacked on. My card making hobby was shut down, the money for supplies simply vaporized. I haven't made anyone a card in 8 months. Stamp collecting? I haven't bought a stamp even a cheap one in almost a year. Oh I think I went to the nature center on June 6th, that's 3 dollars each to get inside. Clothing? One project friend had her parents buy me two dresses in 2011. I got one dress from another friend as a present in 2010. So yes, many things did get cut to the bone. My husband seriously needs clothes, but finding larger ones in thrift is very hard.

I always thought I was a frugal person but I wonder why even my frugality seems to be failing me. Is life getting this tough for others like this out there? If you have poverty surviving ideas, add them in the comments. 

1. Try and find a Food Co-op [there's ones for middle class people too where they share organic and other foods]
The food co-op I joined is a food bonanza and was a great decision. We won't starve at least though I wish there was more meat. We got more meat then most food pantries though. I got two bags of walnuts, to me that is like a kid in Victorian England getting an orange in 1870. Nuts are expensive. Now I can put some in salads and maybe some bran muffins.

2. Always pay rent first even if it's a boarding house room.

My first advice, is always pay rent first. Stable housing is the make or break in terms of surviving poverty. If your housing is at risk then you always are.

When we run out of food during the month or have to go line up at all these charities, I have said to him, "Shouldn't we give up this apartment?" but then I am caught, I am too sick to deal with rental rooms, and the boarding house life in this condition.   Two life rules I have are--stable housing first and foremost, and second life rule, never live with anyone where you are not the adult in charge. No one is clamoring to have me move into their spare bedroom but since I moved home at 20 before my first no contact this has been my rule.  What I went through was not worth it. I could never do it again. This can be a way for people to save money if they have friendly relatives or friends, but it's risky. Because of my Aspergers, I need peace, quiet and a refuge from social demands.

Most rental rooms are upstairs. Roommates may not have patience with someone who is always home or spending an hour in the bathroom.  We have had this discussion over and over and the "roommate" discussion. We would take this one close friend if he became homeless and others but strangers seem too risky. Maybe we are paranoid or maybe I know not everyone would be understanding. Sometimes I worry we are too risk adverse, but you can see how life made us that way! For many poor who are in better shape and not two old married people set in their ways living with roommates sometimes works out.

3. Don't waste money if you do have it.

Facebook is crazy. Watching the higher socio-economic classes burn money with a lighter in front of my eyes is insane. A few wealthier types have been ordering those companies that put together cooking boxes.  Time is money but they spend around 85 dollars to get FOUR meals. I have fed both of us for an entire week on less then 85 bucks, which is 21 meals. We eat a lot of eggs, cooked vegetables and soup.  One lady repainted her door 4 times, trying to get the "best" color on the front of her suburban home. How much did those cans of paint cost?

It's their business but watching my mother waste money, right in front of my eyes, with her 10,000 glass snow men and shopping was insane. How much did the second vacation home alone cost in money and taxes?  My husband tells me, "Don't worry about being cut out of the will, there's no way nothing is left, she's probably even re-mortgaged the house again.  Past behavior tells you future behavior." I added up once what she spent since she got the big insurance pay outs of 1998. The new cars and house renovation alone would equal half of what she got back then and almost 20 years have passed. I know two government pensions are good, but I don't think they are that good.  She made good money selling her soul counting body bags for the government and Bush's wars even without a college education but there's a limit to everything.

Years ago, she told one aunt "My children will be rich when I die", but I thought that's gotta be the biggest nonsense going. I was told I was cut out anyway.  The level of money I saw being spent before I walked, I was in shock she had not run out. To be honest, to me it would be the ultimate justice if she ever was poor, but my mother never has gone without a dollar she has wanted.

3. Sometimes you can sell stuff

Yes we have done stuff like collect cans and sell ebay.  More then ten years ago, we sold off books, CDs and records on ebay when ebay was going strong. I don't own much to sell now but if you do own things sometimes if you sell your antiques and other valuables if you have them it will raise money.

 I sold a silver necklace for three dollars once at the gold and silver place needing some gas money. It was thin and light. Some towns if you play an instrument you can busk, make sure they don't require permits. Some towns have flea markets were you can set up a garage sale and if you have your own house, garage sales will work. Living in an apartment makes sales like that too difficult.

4. Begging is probably a bad idea [unless you are so desperate you can't help it].

 We have never begged on the street with the cardboard signs. Been tempted but never have sunk that low thankfully.  I am too visibly disabled and people will pretty much know I have a social security check and may ask what is that woman doing? This town is small enough too, even if we went to the outer highway by the mall, my husband could see people he freelances for. We can't have that. I feel for people in that situation. Some towns have laws against it.

5. If you slide through the cracks medicine wise, there are organizations to help you.

Even now I ask my husband, "What are we doing wrong?" I go up and down the list. I get ideas, "Let's do this, Let's do that". They have us herded and "caged" on every front. One slip up and I could fall through the cracks.  There was a time when he was working and "made too much" for me to get medicine, and that was scary and I did go through the cracks. Fell right through it. His work place insurance had done away with pill coverage. I found a special program and without it, I probably would have died. It was called RX Outreach. If you are poor and can't afford medicine this place will help you out. I also would go to the websites for the Pharmaceutical companies, and many offered special programs for specific medicines. Here is an example of one.

If you ever see diabetics who have had a foot amputation, before you judge them and think "why didn't they take care of their diabetes" know that they have made insulin equal to the price of rent. People like me on disability have a few options many don't have. Diabetes is going untreated  None of the cheap pill programs cover insulin either. Maybe some charities are covering this, I would like to think so. I knew this one lady who walked around for a year and half with a blood sugar over 250 because she didn't have money to go to the doctor and no insurance. 

 See if your town has a free clinic, many do now. Sometimes they are in a church. I spent years going to clinics for the very poor. One thing to be cautious of, they are not good at diagnosis, they are trained to deal with immediate problems. Referring MYSELF to a specialist bailed me out once. My husband uses a local free clinic.

6. Avoid the Lifestyle Trap:

My husband paid 300 a month in gas alone to get to one old job. He reminded me yesterday that while back then there was no soup kitchens and going to food pantries--well I went to one at my old church, we were always just as pressed. That never ended. One thing if you do get money, don't raise your lifestyle, keep it the same and enjoy the feeling of "freedom", that's what I always wanted. If you win the Lotto. just keep your old house, and clean it up a bit. Don't increase everything up a notch and be pressed again. My mother spent money like one of those people who win the Lotto and end up with nothing. One huge mistake people make is increasing the lifestyle when they enter into any money and then the level of demands and stress remain the same.

7 Sometimes moving is a good idea, but sometimes it's a bad one.

 If you are poor, don't make our mistake, of moving around for jobs, hoping to become better off.  I have moved too much and to be frank, it made life more difficult. One time it worked and fixed things, and another time it didn't turn out so well, but I ended up with better medical care.  I moved to avoid becoming homeless so the stable housing rule took precedent a few times. My move to Chicago was to avoid immediate homelessness.

  At a certain age, you won't meet people like you did when you were younger and if you get poor enough or disabled enough, your social life will be dead in the water. If you know you aren't going to reach a certain socio-economic level, it's better to invest in relationships. Better off people can travel to see relatives and old friends. If you are a poor person, moving constantly and distance breaks down relationships but then some of this can be beyond your control, even when I have stayed put, others have moved. I didn't have a decent family all in one place but if you do have a decent family like that, rethink moving away. Consider your support systems. Life without a support system is far harder.

8. Compare prices and always look for deals

Another gym I plan to visit now is a 10 dollar a month one, if I can use any of the equipment. One guy I knew told me why are you going to go to ones you can barely afford and told me this gym could be an option. He's right even for the 45 dollar one, I wondered where was I going to find the money but I will compare them all.  I do compare prices on everything.

If you get car repairs, go to poorer areas to get them done if you know you can trust the garages. Try and get word of mouth about who is the best.  Some poor areas use street mechanics, but I have avoided that for now. I know Aspies suck at networking but this is the information about life that helps cut the risks. We once got a radiator fixed for 300 dollars when this other garage on the richer side of town wanted 500. Haggle over the price of things, you CAN save money. I may sound like a cheapskate, but I even have tried to cut deals at thrift stores and garage sales. It has worked.

9. Fighting your way out of poverty doesn't mean you'll never fall back In

My husband says "Maybe we won't be poor forever" but with the declining health and our age, I pretty much have consigned myself to it. Digging one's way out takes good health and neither of us have that.  Anything could happen and I'll be happy then but one has to deal with reality too. We still have some goals we have not let go of. He is still working on another book. I plan to make a zine or something of the comic.

If someone was to ask me, "Don't you know how to dig your way out of poverty?" Sure I do. It takes getting a skill and getting some sort of decent regular employment. That usually takes a degree of health too.  If an ugly man with a beard  in 2007 had not decided that my husband was not a good copy ad writer, my life could have gone completely different.

 I am not some Republican that thinks all poor people are poor from moral failings but if you have bad habits like losing at gambling, drugs or drinking or the rest that cost money or kill employment, then do what you can to get away from them. Whatever the size acceptance delusionists say, being fat is probably one of the biggest money killers in the world. I do think if I had not gotten sick and if the lungs had stayed intact, I may have been okay. Life would have gone a whole other direction.

If you are young and weigh in the mid200s and 300lbs, do everything beyond moving heaven and earth to avoid supersized obesity because once you go beyond the 250lb norm, good jobs unless you are a STEM computer expert will be impossible to get.   If you have health problems and are gaining weight like crazy, demand everyday to get treatment and tests. Don't end up like me. Get diagnosed earlier. Well I tried my best.

The right kind of education can sometimes be a way out. Think practical not liberal arts. Liberal arts stuff, the internet is at our beck and call. One does not need expensive degrees to learn things anymore. The Internet is for the taking. Always live in an area with good libraries. There's two here.

One core component is health. However digging one's way out of poverty is far harder then ever before. They are designing things that way. The jobs are not dependable. We climbed out of poverty once, via a job, from Chicago the rural town, and then we fell back in again moving here, when he lost the job we moved here for.  Sometimes I've had mean types yell at me, and tell me "Well you two need to get yourself out of poverty" with bootstrap lectures. Well we did it once before escaping Chicago. They don't get that. I was still disabled but we did have our life change.

Things could have been worse if he never found his freelance work. So "poverty" even in itself can be relative. There's poverty where you still have an apartment and a level of well semi-dignified living, and then there's homeless poverty where the bottom completely falls out. There's levels a disability check will keep you from. I have been far poorer then now even.

10. Information about homeless shelters

Homeless shelters are not the salvation many think they are either. They can help so don't take me wrong on this but many are FULL and will tell immediately homeless people even poor women, "Sorry there's no room today!".  I have been friends with or known people who have been homeless in the past, they have told me things about that world. I avoided homeless shelters by the skin of my teeth but many people who are new to the fall down the ladder, expect more help then is really there. How do I say this, you can't always expect the calvary to rescue you. I've been in many spots where no calvary was coming and a friend had to rescue me or God Himself had to send strangers to do it. I hate those circumstances, most of the ones I am thinking of are where a natural disaster and fate took me to a bad place.

I suspect many of the homeless are scapegoats from narcissistic families. I had this discussion somewhere on my blog once upon a time, where people always think of the homeless, "Well they must have burned all their bridges!" Some get angry asking "Why doesn't that homeless person have any family to take them in? Look at me, it isn't that hard for a scapegoat to end up with no family. Some of us may have had friends or they died or they lived too far away or are too poor themselves to help. My husbands family except for one sister has literally died off. When I see homeless people now, I think "How many were the scapegoat and cast away or were forced to leave the family behind"?

11. Facing the Fear of Poverty

 Sometimes I do get scared a lot from being poor. The fear is weird to me. My husband has remarked I act like the desert is near, and soon I will be cast out. I know where this comes from, my poorer days in my youth? When I was young, I ironically hoarded money. My narc parents would laugh about how I was a miser. I really was. I probably was thinking of a great escape or something in the back of my mind.

 This week one day when I wasn't housebound, I was at the grocery store, and I thought I had two 20s and only had two tens, I had forgotten about spending other money. I usually know to the dime how much money I have, so this was an unusual slip up for me. I was embarrassed as we had to put food back and lower our bill from 24 dollars to 17. I was buying meat to go with food pantry food. Inner shame rose up in me. I felt scared and angry. Examining these feelings I asked myself, "Why?"

This is something I am working on. I am not sure where it comes from. Queen Spider did a number on my mind about poverty. She hated herself as the poor farm girl and decided to get money at any cost and did. This hatred was unloaded on me especially as I involuntarily became a poor adult. Sometimes I try to cope with these emotions. I am messed up when it comes to money. Money is the biggest taboo subject in America not sex.

12. Facing the Emotional Stigma of Poverty

Even with my family I believe I would have been cast out for good even if I had not gone no contact. People who are traveling to Europe, and who can afford a new car every two years, don't want someone like me around.

I believe even if I hadn't gone no contact myself, my worsening poverty would have caused the family to cut me off completely anyhow. I was being cut off more day by day.  All of them would travel the world, and buy new furniture and new cars. I am sure now my mother is enjoying her new $35-50,000 dollar vehicle, the second one bought in three years. I only know about it from recent hoovering.

Part of survival while poor is the emotional survival. The world will try and crush you. This is actually more dangerous then any of the physical lacks.  I am working to overcome the damage to my self esteem on so many fronts and money is a big bugaboo for me.  You have to learn to put your own survival first sometimes, and "harden" up to a degree, not in a bad way where you close down your conscience but looking out for your needs.

Even if I had done everything that doctor told me, and not gone on the emergency antibiotics, and waited until Wed when he finally did call, I would have been in the hospital by Monday or Tuesday. It's kind of like that. Same with being poor, you have to protect yourself. When one is vulnerable some toxic people will try and hurt you. You have to find the ones who will help. Don't take advantage of their good will of course. We don't go to the food pantries and community dinners if we can feed ourselves that month, and there are months we don't have to go.

My self esteem during the last 9 years at times took a massive battering. Since working on myself and going no contact with the family, I thought about these issues. Things are improving since the weight of expectations and being called a "failure" got lifted.  They were never there for me in any real way. I even started thinking more about my Chicago years and this may sound like a strange revelation, but my parents weren't the only ones who betrayed me, there were many other middle class and above members of my family, who took the tactic of "just let her die". My eyes were opened wide. My siblings were adults of certain means and knew what circumstances I was in.

A lot of my emotional survival while being a poorer member of society is refusing the judgments of narcissists. If you want to make it, you need to find people who will understand and have compassion. Those of you who are young and healthy enough to make it out of poverty, make sure no one's around you whose drilling a hole in your boat. I tell people on ACON message boards, keep job plans to yourself. Narcissists will do anything to keep a scapegoat especially down. Realize you are a valuable human being no matter your socio-economic status.

If you have any ideas, add yours, or discuss...

Suntopia: Helping People Help Themselves

Fat is Normal Now?

Back in the old days, even in the 1970s did you have to become a bodybuilder and work out for hours a day not to be fat?  Tnation is a bodybuilding and strength building exercise company. Think about that one...and think again about what I am saying about obesity all these years. People didn't wake up and think "I want to be fat" and decided all to become "lazy overeating bums".

The Infection Continues

It seems to be clearing up but the sore is still there.

I am so tired. I have been in bed, though my husband took me down to the beach and I got out of the car today since it cooled down. I have to move around some or I lose stamina FAST. I did not feel ready for a normal walk yet but will have to do one tomorrow even if it's inside here. The beach was very pleasant, very few people were around. I watched some boats go by and basically zoned out while sitting on a bench.

My immune system seems to be toast. I told the nurse, I plan to go to an infectious disease doctor. I did find one locally but plan to call him later when I am less housebound and over this.  Maybe it's the stress, I've had a lot of emotional turmoil lately, regarding where life is going. Having sores bust out from the inside does not bode well for the state of my health. I spent years in panic of the red spots that meant cellulitis, now are non-chafing bulleye boils going to join the party to torture me?

The clock is always ticking and never leaves me alone. Like even now I am thinking you have to get up and make dinner, you have to wash some shorts in the sink to wear for tomorrow and make sure you have a clean dress. I'll do these things but is it normal to have to force yourself to do everything?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Mrs. Curses: The Spiritual Abuser

Profile of a Spiritual Abuser

I got caught up in being spiritually abused. It was very painful. I think finally I can talk about it now a little bit. Queen Spider religiously abused me for years with her enforced Catholicism and pretend piety, well another religious abuser came in my life.  I will call her "Mrs. Curses". she was an online friend of many years who got interested in "deliverance work".

Yes it's taken me time to recover from this. I'll be honest, I have dealt with so many wicked people in a very short period of time, I am tired. There's been too many scary betrayals in a short period of time. In real life, I am not socializing very much. Yeah if you deal with enough doozies, you wonder is it "me"?  I don't know maybe it's the "clean-out"taking a long time. 

I could write an entire novel about all these people. Outside some good friends and my husband, my people picker became very broken. Until I can fix it, I am being wary of anyone new. Finding out how many narcissists surrounded me in my life has been a very scary journey. It has hurt a lot. It doesn't escape my notice, this is someone else I cut off at the SAME time I was cutting off other narcissistic family members. 

This spiritual abuser did a number on me as the catfish. This happened a few years ago. I cut her off just some months after going no contact with the main narcissists in my family.  What was ironic about the catfish, is she mirrored me telling me she had gone through the same type of abuse, saying someone in a charismatic church in her real life had served as a false mentor from hell itself. Around the time I cut off "Mrs. Curses", then entered the would be catfish.

I met this online older Christian friend some years earlier. [2002?].  I was newly saved when I found her online Christian writings and started writing her. We shared many interests, she was interested in the same politics and was like me in questioning the false doctrine in churches.  She seemed like a nice person. We could talk about intellectual and religious topics for hours. We did some phone Bible study and prayer together too. I emailed her and had other correspondence with her for 10 plus years without a problem. It was a supportive long distance friendship.  We just emailed for many years and phone contact came in later.  In many ways she was kind, helpful and thoughtful during those years giving me comfort and sharing prayers while I was sick but then things turned "WEIRD", she started telling me I had been cursed. 

We disagreed about this but under severe health challenges and the extreme weight I was not eating for I gave her theories too much attention instead of telling her to shush up about curse topics.  Hey I had read the Stephen King book "Thinner" too, though my life was going the opposite way!  I know part of me wondered if she was "right". Why had my life gone so badly? Why was I so poor? Why had I gone almost deaf? Why did I reach a weight that only 1 in 5 million people had reached? I was vulnerable too, back then, I was very sick. I was getting a leg infection almost every 6 weeks instead of a few times a year. Fear of death ruled rampant, and whose more vulnerable to fake religious healers and charlatans then the desperate?  Also when things got really weird, is after I moved here, and gotten lonely for Christian fellowship. This was after losing my old church and not having found another and during the time I was in the impersonal IFB I left later.  No money ever changed hands, she knew I was broke. Maybe the supply is enough for a few.

Back then around 2009 the doctors told me I may need oxygen soon. I was given 18 months to live from the cardiomyopathy alone. One doctor back then also had a poor bedside manner and told me, I was going to die soon of my cardiomyopathy. She offered no way out but to tell me, "You are going to be dead very soon, you need to start making arrangements'". The next day, I demanded physical therapy and worked my way out from severe cardiac problems which I still have but became far more under control. I think this is around the time Mrs. Curses started working on me. She wasn't bringing out the crazy curses talk yet but talking about finding healing in the Lord, bible studies, and nice neutral sounding topics. She offered me care and concern like a loving friend.

I told her I doubted her theology on curses, but she told me she did "deliverance" work with other people, and I knowing very little bit about deliverance, thought "What harm will more prayer do?" so I said, "Okay you can help me with deliverance".  She told me she had experience helping abused people heal. That was one the biggest mistakes of my life. Spiritually, I was letting someone else step in to be "mediator" between me and God. I do not believe in deliverance ministries today, make sure you leave all the priests behind for the true gospel of grace. In the beginning, some of the prayers made sense, the "deliverance" devolved into fault-finding and unknown sins. I kept some boundaries up, when she got nosy, but the idea of deliverance is like confession. I will shout to people worldwide, if they promise deliverance RUN. The charismatic and pente flavored churches are into this stuff but even some of the independent baptists will promote the underlying ideas.

Her main message to me then mutated into this: that my life was in ruins and God was not healing and blessing me, because I was a very wicked person and was not serving God or obeying His commandments in the right way. I was not giving myself over to the deliverance and trusting God. 

I live a dull life, no drinking, drugs, or cheating, I'm not hanging out in bars or gambling--outside of buying a few occasional desperate Lotto tickets but supposedly my long list of sins, had destroyed my life. Also supposedly if I became "sin-free" and fully delivered from the affects of my abuse, then I would have healing for my health problems.

What I find interesting now, is we both together condemned the prosperity gospel but she was giving me another version of it. The me of today warns stay away from those who claim God will bring blessings in this life or that your sins bring you troubles in this world. Jesus said, we would have tribulations. Those who preach guaranteed miracles, even in more subtle ways are deceivers. This theology is ALL over the churches now, and many push it in a non-direct fashion. Good Christian means "good life", Bad Christian or sinner means "bad life". The Bible doesn't teach this. There is a reason I don't go to church anymore. I am even freeing myself STILL of IFB legalisms since leaving my last independent fundamentalist baptist church. Am I an ex-fundamentalist now? I'm not sure. Some would call my belief in the bible to be that, but all labels seem to be limited. I'm a Christian but analyzing quite a bit. God after all is Who showed me the doorway out away from abuse.

One thing she was right about, was that my family had "cursed" me. Perhaps not in the literal sense but all ACONs discover as narcissists sabotage us especially as victims, we are started off with many "CURSES".  Many narcissistic and sociopathic parents curse us openly. I was told I was "no good", would end up being behind the "shopping cart", and "under the underpass" and then my parents made sure to make sure all these things were carried out to the best of their ability. Yesterday I went to an inner city soup kitchen to eat to cover a delay on getting food, while my family travels to Europe and eats out several times a day, they made sure to set things up for me so poverty would come.

So was there a curse of sorts there, sure, but not in the way Mrs. Curses told me. My health was neglected for today's damaged lungs and damaged "lipo-lymphedema" body.  She did help me opening my eyes to my completely evil family, but then she treated me the same way they did too. I wasn't good enough for her, and was not a valuable friend, I was just a someone to be "fixed". I was not a human being to her. I was a "thing", an "object". She probably is Cluster B herself.  This is why I warn on this blog about how ACONs need to avoid project friends and those who see you as a "fix it project" so adamantly. 

She could have "gotten in" more and done a lot more damage but I kept having dreams about her, dreams where I felt WARNED.  I also knew about cults and spiritually abusive churches and was never the type to obey pastors and do what they told me. I laugh thinking of the time she told me I had the spirit of rebellion near the end. Her mask of nice friendship had slipped by then. 

 I did meet her once in person, our visit went okay, but my concerns about her grew especially feeling certain vibes from her that remained under cover.  Maybe I learned grey rocking too well. There was times I humored her to keep the peace. She didn't know it. I never applied her legalistic rules to my life, some of those were impossible like the fasting. She lived too far away to control me, but she still wiggled into my head way too much. The me of today chooses to be alone rather then around toxic people but being even sicker back then, and housebound, I was taking all comers. In the early stages of this I thought she cared. She too like the catfish told me, she had been a severe abuse victim, bringing my empathy into play. 

I was lonely, she seemed nice, but I let someone very dangerous to my spiritual and mental well-being in the door. She kept hounding on curses, to the point I got scared for her mental health, and thought to be a good friend, I should try and gently lead her away from legalistic theology that focused on Satan and demons to the point they were more in charge then God. I should have worked on protecting myself first.

During the final stages, she called my house telling me a "death curse" had been sent to me.  That's the day I should have cut her off. I remember laughing and saying "God is stronger then that, and I may die of my own body anyway" but inside she made me feel afraid and on edge. I finally found myself wondering if this person was really my enemy. They were. When I cut her off, she had called me to tell me one of my family members had sent me a "death curse". I don't doubt that one in the metaphorical sense, surely Queen Spider has cursed my very name for being the one that got away but I think she used my painful time of going no contact for more pain and to drive the screws in deeper.

 Things got weirder and weirder and in this case I just did a full cut off. No NC letters, nothing. She may see this, she knew of my blog, but I don't care anymore. I hope she has gotten help, and has left the god of legalisms, curses and demons being in charge behind. I cared about her for years but had to face the facts this never was a real friendship. I was too embarrassed to write about this subject though I have mentioned it a few times. I was embarrassed to even admit I allowed someone like this in my life. Sometimes I fear writing about so many relationships gone bad, some will think something is seriously wrong with me instead. I plan to cover these issues very soon with a therapist. My trust of other people has vaporized in one giant going no contact cloud. It frightens me how bad things got with a variety of people. One conspiracy-minded friend even once asked me if I was being gang-stalked or something. I don't want to go to more weirdo places, I just want to deal with the facts. The facts was I had to get the hell away from a LOT of people. 

She would write me things like this to give you an example of what I was dealing with. She wrote me when I told her the deliverance was crossing too much boundaries and I was done with it. I told her theologically she was trying to grant herself "priestly powers" in the life of believers. She wasn't too happy with this statement. So this paragraph was from the response I got:

"Deliverance is for the desperate. Only those desperate enough to do what God tells them to do qualify for this miracle. If you are convinced you are doing what God requires of you then I'm not going to say anything about it. The Bible says work out your salvation with fear and trembling. Fasting and praying is how we examine ourselves. If you knew me at all, you would know how often I do this".

How strong can I put this? Be EXTREMELY careful as an abuse victim or ACON in seeking religious help for your feelings of loneliness, depression or sadness. In today's modern churches, which Smakintosh is doing a good job warning about ,even telling a church, "I was abused" is a big no-no. It opens the door to the wolves to come and eat you and there's plenty of them. I was LC during time in my church in my rural community so it was not an issue and in the last one I never mentioned abuse or narcissism. However telling the most recent church I was estranged from my family for religious reasons was enough to earn me pariah status.  The wicked churches of today are more likely to enable the abusers. Just look how so many of them coddle sex abusers. Queen Spider is seen as a "holy Catholic woman". 

Mrs. Curses was far more legalistic then me, about music, eating and other details. Her list of life rules was too intense. Her "God" seemed easily angered and ready to throw one over the side of the boat for the smallest transgression. Her own life was more stable then mine, well what I knew long distance and seeing photographs, she had children and a husband, a home and the husband worked. But even then, my seeing her in the earlier stages as someone to emulate or as a mentor, was a giant mistake. This idea of not feeling secure in myself left me vulnerable to religious abuse. People who join cults often have been abused.

I would disagree with her telling her the bible says "No curses come undeserved" Proverbs 26:2 but she focused on my imperfections more and more and me becoming a better Christian. As I was becoming educated about narcissists and sociopaths, I find myself wondering about her more too. She was never wrong. She was always right. It was not adding up to a pretty picture.

She would tell me I was wicked for not doing certain things fast enough and if I listened to some old music, I would allow demons into my life. The me of today, now asks, "Why did I let this person put themselves as judge and jury over me?" but I am realizing because of my upbringing, I was left vulnerable. Here too I put up with way too much garbage. I am forming boundaries that should have been formed in childhood. This is a lot of personal work.

  Many people who get taken in by cults or spiritual abusers do end up with a feeling of humiliation and embarrassment. I was too embarrassed to write about this until now. Hopefully this will help someone as this is one I post with some hesitation.  At least I was disagreeing and questioning her along the way. I shudder to think of anyone who may come completely under her sway. My own relationship with God and knowledge of scripture helped show me the way out. My healing from being abused by narcissistic parents also helped. I went no contact with her, the same as with my family.

If someone becomes a Christian, while there are true mentors out there, there are people with personality disorders and other problems in the churches. ACONS can be very vulnerable to spiritual abuse.

Profile of A Spiritual Abuser By Pam Witzemann

I am a Christian and my experience with spiritual abuse is in the Christian context. However, spiritual abuse is not limited to Christianity. There are abusers in every faith, religion, and philosophy. Where ever human beings gather, there will be, at least, one abusive person. Spiritual abuse is differentiated from other abuse only by the use of God and the abused’s faith in God being used as a manipulative tool. All abusers want power and control over others and spiritual abusers are no different. This power over others can be used to carry out all kinds of evil and is at the root of the terrorism we experience today. It isn’t the philosophy that does the evil but the power hungry abusive men who lead them. It is impossible to clear all faith organizations of spiritual abusers but there are ways to spot them and follow a course of action in protecting one’s self from them. The following is a profile of those who spiritually abuse.

A spiritual abuser often appears almost angelic. They seem to have their lives and their families in perfect order. They are often popular and will have a following. Sometimes, they are leaders in the church but often, they are lay persons who use the church as a place to build a reputation and a following. They usually have few close friends but the closer one is to them, the more they must maintain control over that person. A spiritual abuser mistakes admiration as love and will do anything to protect and maintain their source of admiration. When they speak of “protecting their testimony” they aren’t talking about the testimony of how Christ is working in their life, they are speaking of their image in the community. The public image they create is highly important in their quest for and obtaining of admiration.

It is easy to feel inferior around someone who appears to be a near perfect Christian. An abuser works hard to engender such feelings of less than and is diligent to maintain them. They are expert in finding the weaknesses of others and seek control over them by pointing out the differences between their victim and themselves. They will offer themselves as a source of advice in overcoming whatever they define as missing in the person they are seeking to control. They will constantly point to themselves as successful in comparison to most others. A spiritual abuser won’t tolerate anyone close to them who does not cow-tow to their point of view. They will also seek to destroy the reputation of anyone who dares to criticize anything about them. To do so is to threaten the false image they have of themselves and portray to the world. Threatening an abuser’s false image will put the person who they once desired to control in danger while the easiest way to remove one’s self from under their spell, is to refuse to give them their needed admiration. If they can perceive no personal benefit to themselves in maintaining a relationship, then they have no use for that person and in their mind, they simply cease to exist.

It may be more difficult to first recognize a member of clergy as a spiritual abuser. Churches expect near perfection in their pastors and ministers and since these people are in a fish bowl, they often feel forced to live under a certain amount of pretence in fulfilling what is expected of them. However, a leadership role in a church is a perfect seat of power for a spiritually abusive person. They have the pulpit as an aid in maintaining control over others and it isn’t uncommon for them to criticize those who see through them or simply disagree with them over some matter from the pulpit. Sometimes, very personal information is shared in this manner. If you are the one who’s personal problem is being announced before the congregation, it doesn’t matter if no one knows who the pastor is talking about. The threat is made clear and in a very public and authoritative way. These kind of preachers will always point out sins but seldom point to Christ as the cure. Instead, they will create and teach rules for their congregations to live by. People who are constantly focused on their short-comings and struggling to maintain rules that often make them stand out in the larger world, are downcast and easy to control. This is when the spiritual abuser steps in between God and the people in his congregation. He takes the place of mediator and bars the way to God for those who don’t comply with his standards. The abuse may go no further than this or it may become more sinister as a means of supplying victims for sexual abuse. They may also use their power to gain monetary wealth from the people they rule over. In the extreme, cults are formed around these kind of leaders. Once completely cut off from the outside world, followers have been led to killing themselves and even murder.

A spiritual abuser is happiest when his/her following offer so much admiration that it borders on worship. They rejoice in being able to control what “their people” wear, watch, listen to, and even eat. They leave no room for the direction of God in others but insist that they themselves be the source of spiritual enlightenment. One sure way to detect these persons is by their attitude toward God. A true believer will have a healthy respect for God and be fearful of crossing God’s boundaries. Spiritual abusers will talk a lot about God but will live their lives by their own pleasure. Their convictions will change with the situation and the person that they desire to control. A true spiritual abuser sees themselves as God and persons who truly believe as foolish and as marks.

As with preventing all abuse, I believe it is important to set boundaries that will protect us from falling under the control of a spiritual abuser. I begin by not expecting out of any human being or group of human beings, what only God can give. I look to God to solve my problems and not the church or leaders in the church. I also refuse to give anyone the power to speak for God in my life. I can pray, I can read the Bible, I can think and I can make my own spiritual decisions. No one else knows God’s plan for my life. That is between me and God. When someone attempts to spiritually abuse me, I speak out against it and remove myself from their presence. These simple boundaries make it impossible for a spiritual abuser to take control of my life. I’ve found that they will seldom persist and will move on.

I am a Christian and I can speak for no other faith but my own. There is a common misconception that when people believe in, Jesus they receive morality. Jesus instead, offers eternal life to those who accept Him by faith. One isn’t immediately transformed into a perfect person. Both believers and nonbelievers often expect more of Christians than they are equipped to give. Christians are just people who believe in Jesus and struggle with the same problems in life that everyone struggles with. If I keep this in mind, I’m not surprised when someone who calls themselves Christian does something that is unchristian. This differs from spiritual abuse as it isn’t wrong-doing for the sake of control. Some well meaning individuals may teach a twisted understanding of a portion of scripture because they have been taught it that way. They may also behave in an unbecoming manner as the faith has been modeled to them wrongly. They too are victims of spiritual abuse and usually, can be corrected and will want to change in order to please God. A true spiritual abuser cares nothing about pleasing God but uses Him as he uses all others, for his own purposes. Spiritual abusers like to think of themselves as gods but they are just frail humans like the rest of us. They can be spotted and it is possible to protect one’s self from them. I always check what I am taught by the Bible and I take time for my own personal study of scripture. I also know that Jesus is my mediator to God and I need no other. I’ve found this the best prevention in protecting myself from manipulative teaching and control by spiritual abusers.

Pam Witzemann

2018--Update to this one: I am no longer a Christian. While dealing with this person was very painful and a nightmare, in one way, they did me a favor. They got me to wake up about an oppressive religion and I got out. No more praying for deliverance, or waiting for the day I would be "good" enough. I can live today being me.

Comic Recreates Autism Spectrum

Friday, August 19, 2016

Verbal Combat Skills and the Dangers of Grey Rocking

[warning some of these videos I worry are more on the lines of helping one become a better narcissist, Don Draper isn't exactly a nice guy. There's also faith based sensibilities to to think of but I am worried about my lack of verbal combat skills. Well keep reading]

The doctor gave me that same "condemned feeling" inside that my family gave me. When he told me, my sore was a PIMPLE, that hurt my feelings. My husband has told me he will talk to the nurse and help me confront this doctor too. I told my husband, I wonder how bad the abuse would be if I was single. I hate when I think of "comebacks" way too long after the fact. Like, "Yeah like I want to play phone tag with you idiots over a pimple" or "Sure taking antibiotics is fun and so is laying in bed for hours feeling too tired to move, I love having this "pimple"!

When I sat back, I thought, "Damn, I told those people at the home visit doctors office, I didn't know what the stupid sore was". I knew it was an infection because I felt like puking and had extreme fatigue. I described it in detail. It's just like narcissists to withhold and never share information. It's healing but the stupid thing still looks scary and is so big.

Let's all be done taking people's crap. I need to work on my verbal skills under pressure. I'm one of those people who is too quiet and then when I get pushed past a certain point, I start yelling. Because my temper got so bad, especially after my days in Chicago where I got "hard" and ready to verbally fight someone on a dime, I tried to mellow myself out, maybe I've gone too far.

Maybe I should have my husband do role-playing with me so he can pretend call me up act like one of these people and then I can learn to tell people off quicker. My stair-case silence is still getting me into massive trouble. Where is that coming from? That propensity to mutism? Am I chicken? I don't think that it is. It's like my mind freezes up. It's hard to explain. 

I cried and asked my husband, "Why did I go silent?"The narcissists catch me by surprise and I freeze up. I am too slow to defend myself. I need to seriously learn some verbal combat skills or I am going to spend my life being screwed over.  Even with the possible fake Aspie, I wish I had just said right to her face, "Why aren't you talking to me, and What is your damn problem?"  With one ex-narc friend she insulted me in my living room and I went quiet and only gave meek defenses and then later said Adios. I better well quit being such a verbal coward. There's times I have spoken up to people don't get me wrong especially if another underdog is being kicked around. It is bugging me however to go silent so much.

Let me warn of something here: Greyrocking isn't always a great idea. I did it for too long while I was low contact. It taught me to suppress emotions in front of people too much! Because my mother fed off any negative emotions, I learned to suppress them, to appear like a robot. Even today I am afraid to loosen up in front of many people. It is an incredible social problem. I am afraid of sharing real emotions, opinions and more. Any information is seen to be used as a possible getting screwed. People are easily offended today. Maybe it's easier to be hated. I never outgrew sinking into the wall paper to a certain extent. My mother had a way of turning any  emotions against me. So be careful of grey rocking. It stinks. It is better to AVOID the evil, as the bible tells us to do.

Have any ACONs here done well in learning verbal combat skills? What did you learn? The only concrete skill I have learned is when someone insults me is to agree with them and turn it back on them. One thing about me I can out-argue even lawyers, if something specific comes up, so I am not talking about that, but more personal events.

One thing with this doctor even I noticed when I was "bitchier" he treated me better. Once he was going on about the pharmacies, and I told him "Look I didn't invent the damn computer program switch it to paper scripts or leave me alone" and he backed down. But I get tired of the constant combat narcissists seem to lust for. I am not always alert and aware every second for their bullcrap.

I agree AVOID is the first point of action, but I have to learn to not be weak when it comes to unavoidable verbal confrontations. I need verbal combat training.

Verbal Self Defense

Don't Move to Arkansas

The south always has seemed far harsher to the poor. Arresting people for not being able to pay rent is INSANE. One thing racism will bite others too. Oppress one group of people, the oppression will come to others as well. ALL the poor down south I believe are treated WORSE because of the historical racism. 

Comic Technological Pursuits

I've read FunHome before, honestly the story about the cold homosexual in the closet father, and her mother in a different graphic novel, I believe will resonate with ACONs no matter your views on the lifestyles presented. That said, I wish I had learned these computer techniques before doing my present comic. My main reason for posting this is to show how she did her comic on the technological end. The video is from 2009, so I'm sure some of that has changed since then.

 I think how much better it would be. I have a "Bamboo" board which was a present from a friend. While I have tried some graphic's a quick drawing from an online free drawing service called "Pencil Madness". I seem more unsteady on computer art then regular. I haven't been able to achieve a real tight grasp of computer art. Maybe it is something that takes more practice, I'm not sure. 

I really need some who knows something about graphic art to tell me if it is possible to transpose a hand draw comic on bristol board and being able to tighten it up on a computer. Could I get it scanned, put it in a computer and then erase and change parts? What program would do this?

 I was even thinking if I could change the bubbles to typed and drawn more firm, it would tighten up the entire comic by quite a bit. The lettering gets weaker in some places. My comic is really old school, not crisp and polished, but I have wondered if there is any way I could transition it to a more polished media. I don't even know what computer program people use to do comics on. When I was in art school, they were breaking out the flat paint and letrasets, yes I am that old, the computer lab didn't come in until far later.

I did get the basic steps of the comic done. There's a 140 panels, but it needs so much more. I don't know what I am going to do with it. If I could learn computer art it would help my life. I am trying to work on my bamboo [a gift from a friend] more lately to transition to clean up on a computer and wondering if I can afford to get it scanned. At the very least, it will become a pin money zine or a gift to friends. I have to test how the story pans out and make adjustments. It's based on life here. If you have read this blog long enough you can imagine my comic, the main thrust of the story is my 400lb weight gain paired with the narcissistic family. Drawing some of the comic was a weird emotional journey.

The art is really good in places but I can see some panels where probably health made me waver on the quality and there is some reworkings to be done. I need to buy more bristol board and ink. It's almost coming out of my ears.

 Some friends will get to read it for free once I can afford to get it copied, to tell me how it comes across. Like test marketing. I don't want to pass out 2-3 zines where people are saying "What is this?" I even wonder if writing should be included with it.

Church Food Co-op

Hopefully our food situation will change soon, I went on a waiting list for 6-7 months for a food co-op program for the poor and came up on the list this month! Yeah! My meeting with them is next week, if I am housebound my husband can go, but it's supposed to finally cool off. This particular church hosts this program. It is a food-sharing program of sorts and focuses on healthy food. I think there are other supports added into the program too. I am looking forward to it and hoping it will improve the quality of food I can get. Maybe meeting other people in our boat, will help. I need people around me who can RELATE TO MY LIFE and won't judge me.

With the diabetes and rest, I need to eat very healthy food. Hopefully we will meet some new people. Some volunteer work may be required but I have had other people work around my disabilities and housebound times. I sure hope it doesn't turn out like my going to the drop-in center did.  Some charity programs may ask you to be in budgeting or job classes for the non-disabled. We don't care if that happens. The community knows my husband works with his name in the newspapers here.

Housing for the Poor

Finding decent housing for the poor is rare. We have lived in some pits. This place because it is of a certain quality we have hung on to it with a death grip. It is quiet!  I've been in this apartment nearly 10 years. At least we are poor people who have had that extreme rarity of STABLE HOUSING.  That is something you don't want to give up. My first rule of survival in terms of being poor, is finding and keeping stable housing. If you want to know how bad things really have gotten for most poor, read this book, I read it from the library:

We have kept intact housing because of my rules for rent, it gets paid before anything else even food. When I was young, there was no Calvary coming for me. I almost did end up homeless. The boarding house and rental room life is just one step above it.  It is not that hard to end up homeless especially if you are an ACON and there is no family that would bail you out. If you are older and into your middle-aged years, people "give up" on you. You are not some 24 year old they will let move in. They do not want to know, even if you were working in your earlier life and responsible to the hilt.

My emergency plan for housing is keeping track of the disabled housing lists. I sometimes go off and on them now, when things get dicey but for now we have stayed in private housing. Here is the link where you can see all the lists for senior/disabled housing. If you are disabled or grow poor when you are old, there's a few options. On line now just about every state has a "housing locator" website for those who are low income. The one here is saved to my list of links.

Some have said "We should get subsidized housing" but my local one wants only a 100 less then what I pay here for half of the square footage and the rent would be increased automatically for every dollar he made more every month. I already looked at the apartments. They aren't keen on someone who is self employed coming in with the disabled person and one year when we were within 50 dollars of the cut-off for the year and came up on the list, we were told we were too close. The income levels have not been raised since 2008. No, I am not kidding about that even though bills are far higher. They always raise the market rate of the apartments though, the cap on the 30% of the income. Of course a disabled or elderly single  person having to pay 30 percent of a very low income, it's going to help their survival.

I have helped single people online and told them how to get subsidized housing and get on the lists and more. In urban areas, you have to be cautious about safety but the waiting lists are far longer some even 4-10 years in duration. Rural areas, if you are about to be homeless, some of those places you can get right in but the price is less resources. It's still better then the streets though.  Most disabled people need some kind of hospital system so towns over a certain population and with a hospital are probably better. Going for midsized or small towns with hospitals and Dial-A Rides are probably a good option.

It scares me this one disabled friend online told me they refused her disabled housing over having an old unpaid bill, steam came out of my ears as I asked her, "How do they think disabled people have money?"  I think where she applied was kind of extreme. The south seems far more cruel to the poor after years of Republican/Dave Ramsey brainwashing.

I tell poor friends if they are going to move to move to Democratic strongholds. There may be a teeny bit more mercy, but not much. Also it helps if a community has a lot of churches and ones with traditions of "helping the poor". Where I live has a lot of churches. I wish there were churches where poor people could come together but probably with pastors wanting to make good money that's not happening.

I have warned them about urban waiting lists and safety and where their best bets for housing would be. I am exploring now housing for us when we are old and trying to figure out where the BEST Elderly subsidized housing is. I am considering life even 10 years in the future if I make it that long.

I am one of those people who does plan ahead. In my state elderly and disabled housing is mixed but they have elderly buildings too where the disabled who are younger are not allowed in. Some are higher quality then others. I chose this video at random of another state I don't live in....but this looks like a nicer one. Some even have social programs for the seniors and on staff social workers and others. There is housing for the mentally ill like this too in various communities.

Some of the rules with the public housing can be hard. There's things to watch out for. In my town there is a disability building I would never move into, because it is full of bed bugs. This shocked me but I knew someone who had to escape from there, who fortunately had others to move in with. I am afraid of elevators so living in a place that is a tower sounds scary to me. One has to be cautious.

 Even the one decent disabled housing complex here, wanted the present landlord to judge my "housekeeping". I didn't like that. How many disabled people are good housekeepers? I'm not one of them. Maybe if you take the trash out and aren't a hoarder they will write you are okay anyway. We plan to stay in private housing for now, but that's the ins and outs of it. One thing imagine a guy who works for himself in subsidized housing even if his income is smaller knowing every time he makes a dollar more, the rent goes up. It's not exactly motivating. It works better on fixed incomes.

She told me the same almost 20 years ago

Marilyn Wann: "I find it helpful to blame the sad feelings on fat oppression, not on whatever I happen to weigh" and tells a miserably obese/immobile woman not to lose weight. (Bonus! Further Gold's-related whining in the comments.)

Found on Fatlogic I was on Marilyn Wann's message board near my peak weight. I believe I even still lived in Chicago when I started there. She gave me the same line as I was dying and at my highest weight. I got banned when I told her to go visit a bariactric nursing home. The CICO believers have done me no favors and neither did the likes of spoiled wealthy shill Marilyn Wann.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

423lb 10 year old

Look how thin the rest of the family is. This world better get out of the all fat people overeat matrix, or else more lives are going to be lost and obesity is going to WORSEN. The mother even attests to shrinking down all his food being shrunken down. This boy has some kind of rare undiagnosed condition. Motos Syndrome? Something Lymphatic? Hypothalmic obesity? He has something wrong.

"I was less stressed in Afghanistan"

"I was less stressed in Afghanistan"

I wonder if this is why I get along with nurse practicioners better, less weeding out of human beings with feelings. I don't connect with the STEM thinkers where life is a math project though I think my problems with the latest doctor go beyond that. You ever get the feeling they want to weed out all the independent thinkers, and people who have empathy in our medical schools? Medicine is supposed to have some art to it, not just numbers so what are we losing from this kind of system?

Obesity Reprogramming

Obesity Reprogrammng


responding to FiveHundredPoundPeep • 15 hours ago
It doesn't make sense to say almost 50 percent of a population became lazy couch potatoes on purpose.

"No, but it feels good. Is it fat people saying this? No. It's normal sized people WHO ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF BECOMING FAT. So we, the fat people, become Other. They cast our Otherness as a moral deficiency which their virtue makes them immune to, or at least that's the tune they whistle in the dark. You can see this in the omnipresent moralizing tone in articles like this or the Livestrong article linked in the article. And Livestrong makes their money on...? People being scared of becoming fat. Fat is a disease they think they can catch from us, and the diet and health industries are predicated on that fear.
Faux food is no joke, The amount of sugar they add into the low and medium quality foods in order to make the food more appealing and addictive is insane. I think it's that addiction that largely drives the problem we are seeing today. The difference between this addiction and other chemical dependencies is you can't "just say no" to food. Starvation makes our bodies respond with an even lower metabolic level in hopes of outlasting the famine. So it's a tough problem. We have to lower caloric intake and almost eliminate sugars without tripping any metabolic alarms that put our bodies into panic mode. It's really no wonder that doctors have pretty much given up telling people to lose weight, and instead tell them to get as much exercise as they can. That at least has overall health benefits that are both physical and psychological. It's the failsafe approach."

I had this discussion on this online article, some of you may find interesting...

Monday, August 15, 2016

Theology I can't get on board with

Seen on Facebook, "a friend of a Christian friend":

"Beautiful work of God in a heart abandoned to Him
Trials are His beautiful ways of shaping us and carving us to be a purer image of His Son to a needy world"

If God sent me Lipedema then He is meaner then Queen Spider and her consort could ever hope to be.  I meet people who are atheists all over who say God is cruel because of this false theology. How can I blame them when the Christian world is basically telling us, God is sending us all the bad stuff?

That famous Christian, the lady in the wheelchair, doesn't help matters either telling people that in other words that God sent her breast cancer.

I heard this years ago, when I have heard people say "Cancer is a gift". They believe God sent them the cancer. I remember saying to these people at my book club, "This would make God an ogre then!"

I wrote this to the people on Facebook:

"Trials are not from God. 20 years of chronic illness if I believed that, I'd be an atheist tomorrow. There's nothing beautiful about trials. I don't mean to be picky about this, but I know many people who are atheists because they got this false message that God sends suffering. This is a hard world that brings many bad things. People lose faith over those messages. This is why I point this out, do not want to upset anyone."

Don't get me wrong, I believe God can use the bad stuff for good, but if I imagined God up in heaven being responsible for sending Lipedema my way, me and Him would have some issues. Am I unfair to think that people who refer to beautiful trials, have never really had any?

Where does compassion go if people think Suffering is good for you? Will they try to end your suffering?  I ran out of Catholicism over one of those theological points.Yes there will be some gospel based persecution and affliction but to think God sends diseases and suffering bothers me.

Maybe I overthink some of this religious stuff but something bothers me about people who refer to trials as beautiful. Something is not honest about it. It's religious virtue signaling. The people mean well probably trying to make the best of things but it seems more damaging in a way. Trials suck. This world is full of too much suffering and hardship. I do not believe that God sends people evil things. This natural fallen world produces the I wrote in that other post.

Two Rich Kids Flee Chicago

Chicago is a tough place. One learns not to engage over-zealous beggars who are playing SET YOU UP games. The line between beggar and robber can be distinctly thin in places like Chicago. Sending these two innocent young prep school lambs into Chicago was a near tragedy, what were their insane yuppie parents thinking? They are not homeless with Mummy's 200,000 dollar kitchen behind then but merely young people who boomer-ranged.

The ironic thing is I met probably 20-30 of the same guy who caused them to call up their rich parents to rescue them. What kind of business was this guy going to start? They didn't live too far from the neighborhood I spent 5 years in. One thing, the economic divide is so vastly wide in America, the other side really does not know how the other half lives, and with young people this may have dangerous consequences. When I moved to Chicago, I already had lived in rough neighborhoods and worked with incarcerated youth. It was rougher then I expected but no Calvary came to rescue me!

Saturday, August 13, 2016

It Amuses Narcs to Deceive You

Sure they get their jollies. Some of us know what that smirk means when the narcs get their supply from hurting us. They know what they are doing and they enjoy it! So many want to coddle the Cluster Bs like they are hurt little souls who torture others out of inner pain. Nope, that's not it! They like hurting you. I know that's hard to accept and understand. Even admitting people like that exist in this world is tough, but they DO!

Leg Boil: Why?

Another infection....

I feel so tired, today is actually a day after endless broiling days, I could go out and I might a short time. The other day I noticed this leg boil burst out on one of my leg lobes, it just came from nowhere. I don't know if a spider bit me and never felt any other bug bit me but I have this huge boil and carbuncle, that is trying to burst out. It has not gone into full cellulitis yet, and I got my emergency antibiotics filled and at the ready but the fatigue is already here, and both lymph nodes in my arm pits are swollen which means impending infection. Why me?

 My fatigue is worsening. Even with these diagnoses, I feel like doctors and others don't get how tired I am. Every time I push even a teensy little bit on the effort to try to clean or anything else, the body checks out. Nothing is ever good enough.

I let down my guard and a boil comes to get me. I shower everyday. I love how the boil websites, say "Keep the area clean and dry" like I went on a three week grease-a-thon of no showers and KFC dinners.  Well this boil came out in a place where there's no chafing, it's on an OUTSIDE part. I guess they are a part of lymphedema/lipedema. I may be able to fight this one off without antibiotics, it's high enough, but it's making me tired. The heat probably did it too.

Government Making Narcissists Into Victims

I believe there are many who want honest discourse about narcissism shut down.

 Language warning on this. However Ollie's emotions make sense to me. I got tired of people who defend the narcissists and put their victims down. I spent my whole life having people cry crocodile tears for my mother while I got thrown under the bus. She was always the misunderstood one who deserved all the mercy, while I deserved none. Every victim of a narcissist or narcissistic BPD know what this is like, how they can conduct pity and sympathy for themselves almost like a wave of a wand and make it disappear for you!

With borderlines, I watched the video knowing that Ollie is referring the ones who have narcissism. Also I want to give the caveat BPD can be a trash can diagnosis, that therapists can unload on abuse victims. Some are not diagnosed correctly. This never happened to me, but some C-PTSD cases can end up misdiagnosed. There are some BPDs who may not have as many aspects of narcissism but there's many that do. With Ollie, I take his video to be focused on the ones who lack empathy and fit narcissistic traits that can occur with Cluster B disorders.

On this blog, I got reamed out for bringing up BPD related to the ones who lack empathy.  Their rage always is scary. One thing I notice is they weren't helping making their case, when their instant reaction to me was screaming rage. They certainly didn't help me feel more understanding for their condition even though I accepted there were differences among BPDs.  Like Narcissists on that particular thread they used rage to control, like my parents did, once they knew they lost the argument, the emotional explosions [an act?] would burst forth.

 I lived with another BPD/narc roommate for a very short time, he was more on the BPD side, doing cutting and self injuries, shaving his head one day and freaking me out.  He had no empathy for any of my problems and started mocking me for my weight. He was a scary person. When he got in a rage, I was afraid. Once he threw a vacuum cleaner at me as I was running down the stairs to get away from him and it smacked into the wall. I got away from him.

Ollie's theory that the government is defending narcissists, isn't tin-hatter land. After all if people start questioning why so many of our leaders seem to have no consciences, a few hard questions may be asked. Some may ask why is there so many lies and gaslighting? Some may ask why evil lying scum are the ones rising to the top in too many areas of society. You think the narcissists and sociopaths want recovering ACONS to warn people of their manipulation techniques? It's a threat to their power.

There's one blog, where the person there for a long time still brings me up saying I am a "religious" "hater" of narcissists. She contradicts herself constantly complaining about "evil" narc exes but then does crocodile tears for the "misunderstood narcissists". Narcissists don't care what people think of them. Her tears for them are wasted. I know on this blog, that my religious views make me pretty hated. Some of the "tolerance" crowd often ready to rip my head off like the latest troll. They always defend the abusers and narcissists. The poor girl with the cut hair having her sexuality denied to the point I wonder what bad things have happened to her, is a throw-away for that troll, he only cares about his own agendas.

Ollie is right that society does not understand narcissism. He is right that them claiming that people are "just afraid" of these personality disorders is a lie. Claiming it's all because of the "stigma" is a total misdirection. People are tired of being abused how about that? He is right to point out how most politicians are sociopaths and narcissists. How else could this nation pick [well pick is a loaded word since it's rigged to the hilt] two such overtly "evil" people as the nominees?

Should We Feel Sorry for Narcs?

Why Do So Many Defend the Narcissists?

Friday, August 12, 2016


This world often defends the wicked. It is one sad fact of life. I get a lot of trolls on this blog. They cuss me out, use my weight to go crazy and one even told me today that if they were my family they'd disown me too. One thing I'd notice among the so called politically correct they cannot fathom someone having an opinion different from them. Even admitting one is an ACON can bring the trolls out to play but sometimes I contend with both the fat-haters and the ones who love to defend the wicked all at once.

 Every ACON has lived a life watching the wicked be defended. No one ever confronted my narcissists and told them they should do different, instead others always served as judge and jury over me. Its funny they will call me judgemental but they always have an excuse for every sociopath and narcissist out there and their endless dirty deeds. This meme is true about society speaking out most often for the abusers.

Proverbs 17:15 He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination the LORD.

Growing up with Negative Beliefs About Oneself

"Growing up with such negative beliefs about myself led me to relationships with others who also treated me with little significance. My value was mostly in how well I could serve others. My approval came from doing the cooking and things like that. No one really noticed me as a person. No one really cared about my dreams or desires and I didn’t care about them either because I had lived so long without being encouraged, and without being noticed. I lived so long without being loved in the true definition of love ~ how on earth was I to love myself?"
(EFB is about how I learned to love myself) Darlene Ouimet ~ founder of Emerging from Broken

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

What Japanese Lunch is Like

These kids are cute, it looks like they have an entire series of videos talking about life in Japan, they are half Canadian and Japanese. The Japanese apartment looks ultra modern in another video though in my case, I could not sleep on the floor. The soup looks good but the rice with the minnows in it, doesn't do it for me.

A Short History of America

Looks like the cartoons end in the 1980s, the scene now would be different. In my neck of the woods an abandoned strip mall? A few tourist shops going the opposite direction?

The Orginal Underclass

"So why are white Americans in downwardly mobile areas feeling a despair that appears to be driving stark increases in substance abuse and suicide? In my own reporting in Vance’s home ground of southwestern Ohio and ancestral territory of eastern Kentucky, I have encountered racial anxiety and antagonism, for sure. But far more striking is the general aura of decline that hangs over towns in which medical-supply stores and pawn shops dominate decrepit main streets, and Victorians stand crumbling, unoccupied. Talk with those still sticking it out, the body-shop worker and the dollar-store clerk and the unemployed miner, and the fatalism is clear: Things were much better in an earlier time, and no future awaits in places that have been left behind by polished people in gleaming cities. The most painful comparison is not with supposedly ascendant minorities—it’s with the fortunes of one’s own parents or, by now, grandparents. The demoralizing effect of decay enveloping the place you live cannot be underestimated. And the bitterness—the “primal scorn”—that Donald Trump has tapped into among white Americans in struggling areas is aimed not just at those of foreign extraction. It is directed toward fellow countrymen who have become foreigners of a different sort, looking down on the natives, if they bother to look at all."

The Original Underclass

The existence of poor whites is denied on the left with even Bernie Sanders saying "when you're white you don't know what it is like to be poor." I lived in the ghetto right next door to other races, so he's wrong there.  The right is no better, claiming that everyone who is poor deserves it. They put forth boot-strap dreams and idealized lives that don't match reality.  Sadly too many poor whites will think wrongly Trump will rescue them out of the economic malaise. I don't think that's the plan from either two wings of the same tyrannical bird. I watched my old rural town die, and the factories close, almost like a stereotype I suppose though in my case I didn't live in a coal mining area.

I have as much in common with the "polished people" with their gleaming suburban homes as a Mongolian sheep-herder.  Even with my education which gives me a few pleasures and resources denied to some, they speak a whole other language. I told my husband the other day, "I don't understand what these people are all about!" And it's true I don't. I think how little I have in common with many people even from socioeconomic realities alone. I've been poorer then this, we are eating and just got our car starter fixed but it's strange. What happens to a country where so many are "disaffected" or treated as "throw away" people even in some cases by their own families? What happens when a sliver of a professional class makes all the rules, and defines a reality, that has nothing to do with your real life? A lot of America is checking out from the talking heads.

When I watch TV, no one's life on there resembles my own. I am not living in a shack in my case but a basic two bedroom apt although one with a dirty rug and walls that needed painted 6 years ago. Do people on TV match your life? I feel like I am watching a whole other world, and their motives and view of life makes no sense to me. But even in everyday life, I meet people in that polished world, I and my husband never were able to enter. The chasm that grew between my family and me even was summed up with that divide beyond the abuse. One thing I did not mind moving away from was the depression that had taken over my old town, where the first idea on everyone's mind was to leave. There's a certain kind of sadness when towns enter that decaying state. 

You want to hear one irony, I am the first person on my mother's side of the family who ever graduated from college.

I still think the racial divide the elite are so much into pushing is to cover over the class divides they use to rule.

Even in a more affluent tourist town, we see the decline on the edges and away from the richer areas, closed shops, tattoo stores, people walking who lost their cars long ago and lots of people who are mostly white, with those cardboard signs out by the highway. 

The Lonely Poverty


Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Peace of No Contact

Since I severed ties from the ENTIRE family, some months ago I have felt a lot better.

There's a few I'm ghosting on Facebook but I don't plan to talk to them again. The main no contact was three years ago but this was a step I had to make. I have felt more calm and with more peace.  I went through some hell the last few years, I felt like the grief was going to rip me to shreds inside. Facing what life had become, realizing that all the relationships were nonexistent or irrevocably broken, it was not easy. In many ways I held on dreaming of relationships that should have been but really did not exist. I pictured myself going out to eat or shopping with my nieces, or having talks with my nephews. None of this ever happened EVER. I just lived too far away, and I know now I was kept away purposefully. Why did I cling on so long to people who did not want me? They did me no favors, keeping the lowest level of contact they could must with me just to keep track of me, and that's all it was. There was no love or relationship in it. There was a lot of years of wasted energy.

Many online ACONs helped me and kept me going telling me, it would get easier, the harsh emotions would FINALLY ebb away. I am finally entering a period now where there is peace. Whatever sacrifices I made being able to wake up and not have to worry about being "enough" for these people, is worth it. I almost want to tell people the first few years will be the hardest, but to WAIT. Don't give in and crawl back to your abusers. Emotions will tell you to do it. The early guilt, the shaming and derision of flying monkeys and enablers, there is a lot of pressure put upon an ACON going no contact. You must make the intellectual choice to hang on to it, no matter what.

One thing that happened for me via no contact, is I ended YEARS of severe anxiety and panic attacks. My disability is based on my physical problems but my anxiety was disabling in itself. If I can't breathe well, I still can get natural anxiety but I no longer have panic attacks like I had for DECADES. This was a serious problem for me, it helped to destroy my health. Multiple therapists diagnosed me with PTSD, and at least one with generalized anxiety disorder. Doing the final severing of narc enablers actually lowered the anxiety levels even more.

 I remember even as an adult in my 30s driving up the drive-way, feeling the wave of inside terror and fear and grinding my teeth to put myself in "grey rock" mode. Sometimes on ACON message boards, I warn against low contact and grey-rocking for years. It can hurt you. it did me.

 My vulnerability and pain in the last few years actually did destroy some friendships, but most of those were better let go of. People who go on the attack while you are hurting, you are better off being without. Cutting off your entire family can be a litmus test for who really loves you and well those who don't. Facing the facts one never had a family can be the same as someone who has a loving family go down in a jetliner.

 A lot of hurt and pain was still coming in via her flying monkeys and family of enablers.  Every time I talked even to one of the cousins or others, a new scab was being ripped open.  In my case, I had to face the serious facts, that there was no one left uncontrolled or monitored or manipulated by my mother. I was in some denial about this but had to face facts. Just the most minute contact with even an extended cousin left me in tears. They lovingly spoke of my mother and other abusers who had no respect for me. They never answered questions. In some ways Aunt Scapegoat's death while I mourned her deeply, it freed me. It gave me the impetus to know the whole system was sick, and to sever my final ties. It allowed me to give up persuing people who cared nothing about me. It allowed me to climb up out of the pit of trying to one day "have a family" or finally "be accepted or loved".

 I saw through how they treated her even in death, with no respect, and disdain. When I watched all that the worse sides of human nature were made known to me in this sick world where status is everything, and those who have it taken away are crushed under the boot heels of the "first" in line.

 I knew that could not be me. People who treat you like nothing and make you feel like nothing need cut out of your life.  This is why I did not send flowers or go to her funeral. My honor for her memory is walking, and thinking of what could of been. Maybe wherever she is at now, she knows the truth and understands what was done. Having that relationship destroyed and many others, was too much. I thought back to who she was and who I was. I wish I had done more for her. I wish I had gotten free sooner able to send a life line in to yank her out but she made her choices on her end too.

The family will be breaking apart after my departure. Being in contact with some of these extended people before I left, I could tell the division of the family was growing greater and greater. They were having less to do with one another. They still had their "reunions" and family "gatherings" but they were less frequent. On the day of Aunt Scapegoat's funeral, the family showed up, spent the hour or what not and then went their separate ways even after drives of hundreds of miles.  I would decide to go NC with the entire family within that week. My brother has nothing to do with my sister and my sister never takes notes of his children or her nephews. The existence of a "family" at this point in the game is a mere mirage. 

Well I no longer was interested in pretending. Going to family gatherings which were about as fun and personal as my job interviews of 25 years ago, was a waste of time. Narcissists create distance, and if everyone lives 100 miles or more for each other for decades, it amounts to people simply not knowing each other. Too many don't talk about anything real out of fear of rocking the boat. One thing I noted among the enablers was the severe fear. Even in private communications they felt unable to answer direct questions.

I have relief and far more peace, no longer doing the scared enabler dance with them.

 I still remember that letter I wrote to the family in 2012, where I wrote "This family needs more open communication not less!" when my mother sent her strange email out of topics that were allowed in her house. So as I lit my matches and burned the decaying, aging and rotting bridge of "family" behind me, I am pretty sure it will fall apart of its own accord. Maybe one young member will be like me one day, breaking away from the herd.

One day I was talking to my husband. We were worried about some bill, and I found myself chirping into the bathroom and I said, "Whatever happens now, I don't have to worry about it anymore, I have no one to look at me and jeer!". And then it struck me. My life was my own. No more worrying about the judge and jury staring down with their hateful narc eyes. No more flying monkeys collecting dirt on me, or making me feel bad. I said to my husband, "Whatever happens, happens now, I am free of them! It doesn't matter anymore in that, it's only for us to worry about!". 

I do feel more peace now. It did bring back some returned memories, I may write on them later but for today I'm letting it rest. It told me my decision was the best one. It is changing who I am as a person and how I relate to others. I am feeling the load of fear I have carried on my back for decades ebbing away.  There is more peace now. It took me some serious time and there will probably be other hurdles to cross, but dealing with 40 decades worth of abusers is not an easy task. I have become a more calm person which is something new for me.