Wednesday, October 26, 2022
Tuesday, October 25, 2022
Fat People Hating Medical Workers on Reddit
Check out this thread, it's scary. The reddit nursing board has problems, they ban anyone who questions the vaxxes or what is happening now but overall, you can see it's open war on fat people. Even "leftists" who are against racism, homophobia, etc have no moral qualms in going after the fat with no holds barred.
https://old.reddit.com/r/nursing/comments/yac3bw/an_open_rant_to_a_supermorbid_obese_patient/
"Supermorbid obesity is absolutely a mental illness. To consume enough calories to be 400+ lbs is an eating disorder. I don’t discount that.
But how is it fair to burden the medical team with your care? 4+ nurses lifting your body, risking injury to themselves. A body you created with no consideration for the others who care for you.
You can’t walk so 4+ nurses have to pull you over and put a bedpan under you. Your shits are massive and frequent because you eat so much.
You can’t wipe yourself, and your gluteals are so huge they have to be spread open to clean your anus. The size of your gluteals means the shit smears and gets trapped in the cheeks as it leaves your body. More for your nurse to wipe.
You haven’t been able to bathe properly in a long time, so you smell. The fungal rashes under your many folds smell putrid. More for your nurse to clean.
We teach you about diet and exercise, but when the dietary person comes you order 3 peoples worth of food. Your husband brings you bags of candy and snacks. You yelled at him because he brought Mike and Ike’s when you clearly asked for Now and Laters.
How is it fair to our already understaffed unit that we need to accommodate your self-created burden?
On top of it, you’re rude to staff. Extremely demanding and shout because it hurts you to be rolled to your side, demanding we “HURRY UP”
I would never tell you to your face, but nurses let out a sigh when they see their name next to your room. All the men who work on the floor know they’re going to be called every time you need to shit.
I hope you get the help you need. The help we need.
Edit; thank you to whomever reported this post as a mental health emergency, you could’ve just downvoted :)
Edit 2: wow top 25 on r/popular, thats neat. Sorry it's marked as "nsfw" which means people browsing dont get to look at it without a reddit account which is ridiculous (shoutout to r/watchredditdie).
Final edit: a special thank you to the people who can’t comment here so they are finding other comments I made and replying there to call me a fatphobe and a piece of shit. I literally don’t care about your opinion, 12,700 upvotes, 18+ awards and frontpage status is enough to prove that the overwhelming majority of reddit is in agreement with the content of my post. Perhaps seeing so many reddit clinicians posting in agreement is a shock to your ego? Maybe you were expecting the typically-tolerant reddit user base to tear me apart and are now appealed to find out the truth.
If you are overweight I will absolutely give you the same level of care I give to every patient, and I will greet you with a smile and pretend I don’t care that you smell awful and need me to exert 400% of my strength to move you. But inside I will have the opinion that thousands of others have posted here."
Then read this post which was a response.
"[–]FaeryCourt 1 point 2 days ago
Asa paramedic -who has had to call firefighters and off duty police officers -in order to simply be able to lift a morbidly obese patient(s) from bed to stretcher; who has listened to Children worry and cry that they had to call 911 on their parent because they couldn't lift 400+lbs by themselves and knew they would be punished and blamed for doing so; who has had injuries from these patients (who blame everyone but themselves), who has seen coworkers go through YEARS of physical therapy and surgical interventions from injuries sustained, who has seen-repeatedley-these patients not give one fuck about who they injure, emotionally destroy and blame for their CHOICES, I agree, wholeheartedly with this fine nurse, who finally said what WE ALL ARE THINKING. Thank you, RN. Your words mean much. And, for the family, children and spouses of these patients, my heart breaks for you.
Notice they all write it's a choice. Like everyone is supposed to have a body that works right. You won't see these people complaining about other people who end up at the hospital via drinking or high extreme sports or drugs. I'm tired of being told it's all a choice. Who would CHOOSE to live in the hell of extreme obesity?
Of course none of them ask why is the care for the obese so lacking? Why don't they have better methods for transfers? Some of the more compassionate ones, talk about the abuse and high ACE scores many superfat people went through. One mentioned Lipedema and women with legs as wide as their waist.
This applies to me of course. I don't think all of it is food addiction though, some are of course but some of us probably ended up with hypothyalmic and metabolic damage as a result. You know there's a problem when someone has so many autoimmune diseases they lost count, and have some people never heard of before. Very few question what drives the food addicted ones to eat or what is happening in the brain or what kind of depression or mental problems could be fueling all this. But what about ones who aren't food addicted, who may have undiagnosed Cushings, severe Lipedema, and other endocrine problems who aren't getting help? What about those with other disorders? People like this aren't going to help them get answers.
Sadly superfat people are being dehumanized and look, at a nursing board, where it becomes a popular post. The open "othering" of a people for a physical characteristic is accepted. Hatred of fat people was obviously growing as we saw with Covid and they told us fat people were more likely to die of it. Maybe that's true but then keep in mind all the "triage" stuff they were pushing in 2020.
One thing they put a barrier in front of people at every step. I've made it clear I want in-patient treatment now for obesity even to get 100 off. Medicare would never pay for it. Because of Covid, I'm no longer pushing the point. I remain pissed off beyond belief, that I can't go safely back to my old Planet Fitness in the eternal pandemic without end. I need to. These are barriers that are never addressed? Why didn't these people get help before their obesity become so serious? I remember asking for help at 300lbs before I hit 700lbs.
Did any of these 500-800lb people already go to their doctors about their weight loss failures or lack the money to make some of the things they needed to happen? How many like me went crying about their extreme weights already?
Where they turned away as their problems got worse and worse? Remember I was 700lbs at one point and almost did die. I thankfully did not lose mobility but I was close. Today my mobility is in bad trouble but some outside factors are affecting this. I am dealing with some muscle weakness that could be due to one of my autoimmune disorders and some joint problems. I can't take Planequil for my UCTD because I fear eye problems being deaf, so here I am in pain a lot. The other day I asked my rheumatologist for other remedies for pain and fatigue and was just turned down. I told the doctor point blank, "I can barely function now due to the severity of the deafness I can't take that risk on." I don't think he was happy with me but why were there no other options? At least I am still considered "Stable" and I didn't go into full lupus but the pain and other problems are there. Why is it okay to make me at the risk of being even more helpless with no life quality left especially being an artist?
I could always walk when I was in the hospital, and even walked myself into the shower once while hooked to an IV because nurses wouldn't clean me up or give me tools to clean myself up. I told them due to my skin problems I need a shower daily and was ignored. So I took care of business. I knew if I didn't keep clean that I would die of the infection I had. Probably some of you have figured out I am not a passive personality, I can't afford to be.
I haven't been in the hospital overnight since 2001. The house call doctors kept me out, there's been a few ER visits for injuries, parotitis and problem I got with my better ear. I wrote a PM to this person, telling them "I hope I never get you as a nurse and this is why I took 30 years to get diagnosed with stage 4 Lipedema". and "Stop abusing fat people".
Hospitals scare the hell out of me, I have to be dying or have serious problems like a broken bone to go to one. The line now where I would even go to one? I have to be nearly dead or acutely dying. Even then I may think about staying home just like I did with multitudes of kidney stones, drinking watered down organic cider vinegar in a bid to stay alive. Most of us superfat people already know hospitals are not friendly kind places for us. Some medical professionals are kind and nice to us but we have been around to know the score and how we are "seen"
Sad to say I figured out this person is probably a moderator over on My Big Fat Fabulous Life, [different identities online] or if not an avid supporter of this fat hating nurse, and they started writing more insults to me on that reddit message board about supersized patients being so hard to take care of. And I got banned from that board even though I had posts people liked reading and I got a lot of "reddit karma" for. This person who claims to be "happy" sure seems to spend a lot of time complaining about fat people. I criticized Whitney too but wanted her to change her show to HELP fat people but sadly Whitney was just the usual corporate "make fat people look bad" product. They tried banning me so I wrote a complaint about all these posts to reddit, and asked them if they are trying to revive the same attitudes of the Fat Hate Reddit board that was later taken down.
It was scary to see hundreds of medical professionals all bitching about super-fat people on that thread. There was only around 5-6 compassionate ones among the 1,000 posts decrying the horrors of caring for severely overweight people.
As I have written on here before, no one crosses the 400lb mark without something being even physiologically wrong with them. Physically normal people would not even have driving hunger or desire for that much food. The 800lb mark and above, that's pretty much the case. BTW they don't care if your weight is from fluids, fat or the other complicated myriad of reasons why someone would have gotten that fat in the first place. Too many of these lauded professionals aren't studying the latest obesity research that talks about problems with metabolism or hyperphagia or saitety disorders. They don't care, they consider it YOUR FAULT and that you did nothing with yourself but pig out on everything and it supposedly was all by choice. One reason I always wanted hospitalized for weight loss was to have the "eating seen" but maybe I'd be called a liar and told I was "sneaking food in" even if I was not.
Lately I have been thinking about how I have been treated my whole life for being fat and how bad it is. I worked around things the best way I could trying to speak out and do art and be involved in community stuff but you always KNOW. "You are not like the others" and at supersized weights it's even worse. Even if you cut all the abusers out of your life, and manage to get enough presence to stop all overt abuse--it's been years since someone insulted me in the street--it doesn't stop the subtle stuff or the endless strain of rejection that remains "hidden". Some liberals may refer to those as "micro-aggressions". After my no contact I changed. Oh I told this nurse, if I ever got her as a nurse, I'd call the ombudsman and then my lawyer.
I wouldn't yell at anyone especially while overnight in a hospital even if they were being horrible to me. I'd be figuring out how to work my way out of the problem. I don't like that I have to lay there with an unlocked door which always destroys sleep for me. Sleep deprivation is a very serious problem for me in the hospital. I begged a doctor to go home more then once so I could stay alive but of course past serious infections needed IV antibiotics. Some of the people who are shouting and freaking out, have been neglected or having pain or problems.
One of my now deceased fat friends said she was abandoned to lay on gurney in the corner for 16 hours. In her case, she couldn't walk out. This was pre-Covid days. Many of us chronically ill know what hospitals can be like. I would be the type to sneak out if they were actively hurting me even if I had to pay a bystander with 20 bucks to give me a wheelchair to roll out in if I was unable to walk and then go call a lawyer. Fortunately I haven't had any abuses that severe.
Years ago when a good doctor showed up at 3am to save my life and get a working IV, I almost had made the decision to go home. This wasn't abuse, just more likely collapsed veins from illness in that case. Most hospitals have treated me okay, at most I got benign neglect when I had to talk a janitor lady into helping me with a few problems. I would say the most dangerous times for the superfat is if you a] can't walk or b] are unconscious.
Looks like I wasn't being too paranoid with those thoughts given the posts above......
Years ago I got a thick skin. Hate my blog? I don't care. Hate me for being fat? Get in line with the other jerks. It's nothing new. I know I'm a rare one who speaks out and they hate that even more. See any other fat people calling this crap out? I will because I feel like it. To me, this reddit post and it's acceptance points to some real rot in society that is growing worse. The severe obesity too? People are getting sick, physically and emotionally and superfat people are probably canaries in the coal mine. Sure some are BED food addicts but even there, the limited attitudes and stupidity shown except by the very few compassionate ones was nauseating.
By the way this is just the kind of society, where people even young ones can start dropping like flies of myocarditis and blood clots, and no one cares....
"FaeryCourt and I got in an argument. They were even angry at me for questioning the "elite" which was kind of laughable to me. There's a reason psychopathic nurses has become a trope in horror movies. Yes why wouldn't they believe in this sick system being a product of it? But sadly this body I deal with is a product of the system, with ill health, destroyed metabolism, endocrine system, lymph system. I just read the book, "The Body Keeps The Score" and I KNOW this was NOT my Choice ever. This book details how trauma and medical/autoimmune/mental problems interact. I had myself in therapy by age 18--self chosen. I always tried to get help and to stay alive and "be responsible" so I am done with taking people's crap.
It's horrible for these immobile fat people who are dependent on medical professionals who despise them. Instead of anyone asking why aren't there better lifting machines or hoyers or other procedures or even why no one is doing anything that actually WORKS for the severe growing obesity problem in the US. Decent food is hard to find or whatever environmental problems are leading to this including the endless trauma, they blame the patients instead. "It's their fault, my back went out!" There's thousands of drug and alcohol abuse clinics but nothing for the fat beyond weight loss surgery. Ever wonder about that?
I worked with the disabled for a very short term job, I had it around 8 months. I was pushed out of this job from my own failing health unable to do lifts. Some patients were large we had to move around, I had to move people in beds to change diapers, etc, I had to puree food, do bathroom duties, and feed people with a plastic spoon. The work is NOT easy. I get that part. There is risk of injuries. Most of these places because of corporate greed are understaffed and most of these medical professionals are having to work with too few co-workers to help them with lifts and more. So I have empathy for the ones who did get injuries, it's horrific but don't blame the patients and take it out on them.
It's not meant for everyone but this post scares me and all the angry people, and sure some of the patients are probably guilty in their fear and other problems in yelling a bit or taking things out on people they should not, but this post to me was representative of a very serious problem.
Severe obesity is growing, I used to be RARE where I never saw anyone my size in the 1990s. Now I see more and more people near my size. 500lbs may still be uncommon but I see people near my size at least once a week if I am out and about. [My weight was 511 last week] I saw someone who weighed about 50 pounds more then me just three days ago. 300-400lbs is actually common now. Go in a store, you'll see a few and a 400lber here and there. Obesity has increased. Now let me ask this question, how are any of these people's attitudes going to help the problem?
Monday, October 17, 2022
My Life of Sadness Among the "Juice Drinkers"
Today it doesn't take much to lose a friend, if you don't have all the "politically correct" opinions, they are ready to kick you to the curb. It's happened to me so often, I'm tired. I feel so REPRESSED around so many people. This doesn't apply to a few good friends including two local ones. One friend said to me, "You are around the wrong people". Life has always been hard for me socially, I am autistic and weird but it's harder in some places than others. Socially things are bad lately outside of a few friends.
I have these memories in my old small rural town of having some people to talk to, and while things weren't perfect, I felt like I could be "me" on certain stable basis. My anti-war friends knew I was into bible prophecy and attended conservative churches. They didn't hold it against me, after all we agreed on war and help for the poor. Conversation seemed different back then, like we used to sit at the coffee shop and talk to each other for hours, and it seemed natural. You could disagree and have a debate, but back then it was fun. The future seemed to have hope to it. I had community both at the IFB church and the Antiwar group and co-op.
We had libertarian friends and even a few socialists in the mix. There were times I did feel rejection or sad about autistic "social failures" but when I moved away I had two going away parties, one at my better IFB church and another one coupled with a second art show where I shared some food too, with my friends. The going away was with tears. One regret I will have for the rest of my life is leaving that place. We were able to do a couple visits later but money kept us away too for too long. It's weird to think about those times, because they are so unlike now.
The other day, I said to my husband, it's not being "lonely", it's having lost too many people along the way. Which I know the older we get, the more people we lose, but for me it began young with the constant moving, the constant living far apart, moved away from friends, or people leaving me and others who died way too young. Add in the family stuff where I had to walk away. I liked some of the cousins, I was forced to move on from but they bought the family narrative. One reality for ACONs, is the loss, we are no longer abused, but the reality is, you have no family anymore. Some people get married like me or have their own family but that's a whole network we don't have. I never knew someone could become this isolated.
I wrote this on Twitter:
"It's not psychologically healthy to be around people you are scared of saying the wrong thing to. Life among the liberals and "educated class". I want to keep arts involvements like writing etc, but I need to protect myself more. They are closed doors that expect full conformity."
When I say closed doors, I find a lot of conversation and attempted connection in my present climate frustrating. They just don't open up. The wealthier with 6 figure jobs, my rural town was far more working class and poor, are far more formalized. Status and conformity seem to run the show. Are there a few nice ones? Sure. Many have reached out to me, and been kind, but no one sees me as "friend material", there is that chasm always there. I always feel like I am "too much for these people" and that everything I say is "too much" too. Normal discourse always seemed to be shut down with very 'safe topics". I trained myself to talk about art and gardening and not talk about problems and I always had an interest in other people but they would share little from their end. Some were such closed books it was shocking. Like I had to train myself to hide my personality, and I don't mean the hard edges but all of it, even enthusiasm. It made the differences in my former life more glaring.
When I went no contact from my abusers, I stopped overt abuse in my life. Now I will tell people off if need be. I became more private, realizing problems were just used to harm me, but I can't fix this society stuff. I pick up on subtle stuff, that bothers me, like I was in my Aspie Zoom group and noticed the moderator kept changing the subject when I spoke and said, "Would anyone else like to speak?" I was trying to be careful to not talk too much especially given the isolation, but it was a weird response. I felt "rejected" which is sad to have happen in an Aspie group. But then I thought, well last week we got into a conversation about the "heartache" of Covid, and I said I felt like public health had failed. I didn't go on what some would call an "anti-vaxx" rant, I hold back all over the place now, but that can be enough nowadays to be rejected or punished socially.
It reminded me of that time with the friend who asked me "Are you a Qanon now?" That friendship obviously doesn't feel safe anymore to me. With the autistic group, I like the leader but they are one of those young people who is very politically correct, we have to list our pronouns at the start of the group. They are non-binary herself. There was always this pitfall of using the wrong language. How was I to know "non-verbal" for some autistics, has been switched to "non-speaking"? I lost track of some of the change. This other online Aspie activist who is vaxxed to the hilt, simply stopped speaking with me, when I shared some emotions about Covid, I didn't judge her, I stated everyone has to make their own medical choices, but again that's enough. You get cast off the island. It almost feels spiritual. She used to be a really nice person, but now just rants about all the people who break some political correctness rule.
What if you are someone who has strong beliefs, you can't ignore? It's a scary thought to realize most people where I live, like acquaintances and such, if they read this blog they'd never talk to me again. It is good I kept my mouth shut about my internet moniker and blog with the majority of people. I know some of us make choices in life where there is a price. I made the choice to speak out against this evil, online.
There's times I attempted connection only to be thwarted. This is where the sadness and pain of living in a body like this one really hits home. Then there's the feeling of never belonging or feeling accepted. I am around all these people where I just don't relate to their lives and Covid put so much distance between us. Yesterday I told my husband, "I feel like I've been put on permanent punishment, I'm grounded for life as these leaders have made Covid last forever". How do you think I feel watching these people live their lives, being in groups, going on trips, where none of this troubles them? They have lives, their life was not destroyed."
This is one reason I have been twisted in knots trying to figure out if the virus is "real" or the "bioweapon" I believe is real. More evidence seem to be for the latter as time went on. I noticed people who used to believe it was fake, realized something was making people sick, though there was debate on what it was.
I also told him, "No one has insulted me yet, but some are wondering why I am acting this way, hiding out forever." It's pressure that's not easy.
But then on the other side, I've faced overt discrimination and just meanness, I've been told by a few, "You'll have to live in isolation forever because you won't get the shots" I said to one directly, "I don't want to die of blood clots or vasculitis". It's like they thought I hadn't been punished enough. Some others have accused me of being influenced by the far-right. The left has betrayed me so much and doesn't care about what has happened to the poor and working class. None of them represent me.
This was the very few I told my status too because honestly I got scared of too many knowing. It DOES mean something when you feel afraid of the people you are around, and I think ones should listen to their intuition. The one woman last year from my church who gave me flowers and got irate over my status, has seemingly disappeared, but she stopped talking to me for good.
I had to be quiet so often and so much being so outnumbered in the land of the "zombies". It's taken a toll these last few years. I will never understand why they accepted a product that kills people including young people with myocarditis, or that they accepted the concept of a "forever pandemic". Then the weirdness about ignoring things made me wonder too, where they followed the orders of failed public health like puppets instead of using any critical thinking. I wrote in a journal the other day, "You don't have to try anymore." I'm tired. I've been ill and let's be honest, I'm not comfortable around anyone who supports what is happening.
The loneliness, isolation and just the feeling of life being a cage has taken a massive toll on me. The worse of it? All these emotions except very few have been invalidated by those I am around. The few friends understand. Otherwise there was no one to talk to. I noticed many accepted the "new normal". --"I don't like to go out anyway", "I like things where I can get everything delivered." and then who said to me, "you can't keep living in fear". None related to my feelings of anger, after all their lives remained unaffected. They didn't understand my losses. It was like life with my mother, who never was afraid of anything. I noticed crazy stuff too like people claiming they had Covid, and then out socializing on Facebook within a few days.
At this point, I'm probably going to step out of some activities and groups. I give up. I am invisible and invalidated. Their lives continued. They trust in the system and get Covid over and over. They see people, family and friends and go places. They feel like there is a future. I will never forgive those who did this to us, and the three years I had taken away. It is unforgiveable. They believe in those people I consider complete and utter evil.
I am unhappy now. I never knew a person could end up this isolated. If I wasn't married and didn't have his love, I would have completely cracked up. I feel like a coward when it comes to Covid. Sometimes I think "It's time to pull the plug, you need to return to life, because this isn't living and it's killing you." My health has dived bombed lately. Even my diabetes is out of control, and it's probably stress. Sugars in the 130s and today 143. I am so fatigued, just doing the day to day business of shower and wrapping and food is overwhelming and this has been hard on my husband.
Every lab is off the charts, I'm anemic, I'm full of calcium in urine and blood One or two doctors are still with it, my kidney doctor discovered very low blood pressure the other day, it was 100/68. Many foods have no taste to me though I know I am eating too many eggs because that's the only one that does. I weighed 516 last week. So at least no weight is being gained. Emotions do impact health.
I do believe some shedding is affecting me, whether graphene or spike proteins. I felt far more ill and had Meniere's attacks every time I had to go grocery shopping. We go to the smallest most out of way grocery stores but this often means encountering 10-15 people. I noticed the patterns too often to ignore them. My Meniere's was stable the last 15 years, there were rare attacks, but the last year since they released the vaxxes, it's constant and now I am almost complete deaf and conversation is gone outside of the transcribe phone. There's no one to talk to about that either.
One thing I have noticed is no emotions seem allowed anymore. That's one change us Covid questioners talk about a lot among ourselves. We feel like those who got the shots, CHANGED. They don't allow emotions. They show no anger, sadness or grief over Covid. Most look at me like I am crazy. I got SILENCE as the response more often than not. I started wearing a tight grin only talking about art projects and got more and more quiet. My God why bother anymore?
With the changes in the vaxxed, sometimes I wonder if I had gone crazy, but others online would talk about it. It was shocking that Naomi Wolf described the same phenomenon. {I wanted to link the article but cannot, look up Naomi Wolf's substack, and her article titled, "Lipid Nanoparticles: Are They Subtly Changing Human Beings?
Are Essential Human Qualities Being Destroyed by PEG-Coated Industrial Fats?"
She wrote this:
"I checked on what it felt like while walking on the city streets, and my impression was confirmed. There they were, the usual Manhattan throngs, surging along the sidewalks — but they were like pictures, like brightly dressed ghosts. The massive energy field —that sense of an island as a pulsing human generator, the electricity that had galvanized generations of newcomers to Manhattan — that was simply gone."
We went to another small town, north of ours, and it was busy that day, it made me feel uncomfortable. This was after the vaxxes were out rolling and most had signed up for them. A crowd of people [mostly middle class and above tourists] walked by me, and I felt very weird. I remember going back to the car, crying and saying, "They feel like empties". Yeah I know many will think this is crazy and this was a sign of poor mental health but I meant what I said, and this never changed. It was shocking to me to see that Naomi Wolf described the same thing. The energy and the vibe of people feels off the few times I have been around them.
Many describe what she does here:
"Crowds themselves were altered. Young adults were limping, at scale. Men and women in their forties and fifties, who looked as if they had been recently healthy, were now moving like eighty year olds. People in vast numbers, of all ages, walked as if it was hurting them to move. Even teenagers and older children moved like zombies or robots — drifting, with seemingly no energy to spare. Smaller children did not squirm or race around. They sat vacantly on park benches or in restaurants. Or they drifted like little wraiths beside their parents, focussed on nothing.
What happened? What happened to humanity?
Many have described their loved ones being altered in some indefinable ways, after they have been injected with mRNA vaccinations.
People have spoken to me in distress about how they can’t seem to feel the physical presence of their loved ones, post-vaccination.
It looks like the same person, they say with grief, if a bit paler, a bit more fatigued and ethereal.
But it doesn’t feel like the same person."
This is how I have felt. The ill health in many seemed apparent. People seemed to have aged more. I noticed this too. I've talked about how I felt an aura of grey on them all. It's not just Christians either worried about what these shots have done to people, there's New Agers and others who said they felt changes to people. Some of the worse times was seeing friends, one friend was so different, I was in shock, and this is someone I've known more than 30 years. The spark was gone. They seemed muted. I've talked about some of these things in other articles.
Most returned to their lives and just take the constant bouts of Covid as "normal business" no matter if it causes long term side effects. With those other emotions, fear is gone. They seem muted to me. A few times at local woman's group on Zoom, I discussed some emotions about Covid. I faced a brick wall. Silence. It seems when I talk a lot lately, I get silence as a response. Realize I am not going to on what the other side sees as "antivaxx" rants, but MILD things. One example of what I may say is, "Aren't you tired of how long Covid has gone on?" Around here the rules are no one talks about anything.
There even seems to be a weird desensitization about death. It alarms me now that young people dying of strokes and heart attacks and no one cares. People talk about so and so having blood clots like it doesn't matter. Nothing to see here as the room burns down. Oh, we are playing chicken with a nuclear power and no one gives a crap! That one really worries me. There's a deadness of emotion, I can barely bear. Someone on reddit, said, "It's all PTSD, you are judging wrong!". I said "I've been diagnosed with PTSD by three different therapists in my life, people with PTSD still have emotions, it's not all numbing out. If this was PTSD we would have people bursting out in tears or getting angry!" Instead, I see the endless blank faces that don't seem to care about anything anymore.
People have accepted the unacceptable. Some may say, "Oh, you deserve the isolation the way you have judged the vaxxed!" I feel nothing but grief. Some of these people were seen as people I planned to be in community with for a very long time. I liked and cared about them. Many were kind to us. I miss the people they used to be before all this. How do you think my life has been having to hide my status, fearing repercussions. Intuition was screaming, be careful! I was banned from three parties because the unvaxxed were not welcomed. I didn't say a word, why paint a target on my back? At one group, they used to chastise the unvaxxed during meetings. Some called them wicked people or horrible Trumpsters. I didn't say anything either because I thought three people knowing my status was too many. Here's one thing too, people have disappeared from there, and it's like no one noticed. I think they are sick or got side effects. Maybe some moved away. Maybe a silent one or two left for the same reasons I am about to. There's been a complete silence about that too.
It's time for me to go too, and it doesn't come without some pain. With my husband, I left it up to him what to do. He always accompanied me to my old conservative churches even if he never converted in. He's disappointed, he was happy there, and I delayed things this long because this was a church that had some interaction during our earlier years there and some happy times. Religion is very complicated for me now but we got into this discussion about churches. I said, the Christian conservative churches here were so awful, all were cults of personality for the pastors especially the last IFB. Maybe things would have gone differently otherwise. I told him while my first IFB was a bit too legalistic, the people there did seem to care and we had some good memories of that place too.
I do find myself wondering about spiritual stuff here. I feel strange things, I can't voice, in some of their changes. One factor for me that screams in my soul, is WHY ARE THEY ACCEPTING SUCH EVIL? Little kids are dying, teens and young men have died of myocarditis, and no one cares. I noticed that on the Died Suddenly board, where nurses and others talked about the elderly who died or went into dementia right after the Kool-Aid and others who talked about multiple kids in the hospital for severe heart problems that have never been seen here. I can't be with people who accept or condone evil. There's a point where ignorance ends and a person is willfully ignoring what is happening.
I do wonder about things I learned as a Christian about end times delusions, and other spiritual holds on minds. In other spiritual communities, they have talked about the loss of souls like with Rudolf Steiner. They also see bad spiritual stuff with the vaxxes as well. One verse I remember from my Christian fundamentalist days is Revelation 17:13. I'm kind of weirded out when people seem to have shut off all independent thinking. Why are there so few independent thinkers immediately around me?
There's no questioning the narrative or even discussion of "What's happened to us". I brought up to an autistic group once, and I very rarely talk to them about Covid, dealing with other topics, that Covid becoming endemic is really bad for me due to my lung disorders. They were all liberal true believers there too, one told me, I'm on my fifth booster and that his sister works for some Big Pharm company. One guy gave me the place knowing I have severe medical issues. I find myself backtracking, having to make sure all over, "I don't say too much". God help me if I had told them I hated the clot shots.
It means something when you feel "afraid" of the people you are around. I guess it would have been the same for a Chinese person who saw through the evil of "struggle sessions" during the time of Mao, or a thinking German as everyone around him heiled Hitler. I've opened up a little on my Twitter account, funny how I can talk to strangers more than in real life. It means something when you can't be yourself and you are silenced, shamed, invalidated and more. You are around the wrong people. I don't know if I can find any right people around here, outside of the few friends. There's a time to cut one's losses and walk away.
It has reminded me of my life with my family before no contact. The life I was feeling hope in and trying to find after my no contact with the last relatives, has fallen off the tracks. I can't be around people who just repress me, and who want to silence me and who condone what is happening. I cannot accept it, whatever that means. I have to survive in this world so confronting people will not work, I know nothing I say will change things but taking care of myself means being around people that don't make me frightened or alarmed or who move against my core values. My family always hated me for being a truth-teller, and well with this, someone has to tell the truth. Evil is happening and it should not be condoned.
Saturday, October 8, 2022
Pandemic? Endemic? The Insanity Continues
I guess Covid is "endemic" now. Is this to be my forever isolated like this? I fantasize about filing a court case over the ruination of my life. I'll go file against the guy who made Covid infectible to humans. Why isn't this guy in jail yet? If we had anyone in this country who cared about it's well-being, that gain of function guy and others like him would be in jail. I don't have money, time or energy. The system is so corrupt now, the very fact that this much has gone wrong means I would most likely wasting my time.
Why did the elite soil their own nest? Maybe they are so stupid and evil they don't care. However I'm leaning heavier towards the "real" side and that we are screwed. I still hope that all of this isn't a con and said to husband if I found out I hid out like this over a lie, I'm going to be angry. However recently, I asked a naturopath I know what she saw with people who had Covid, and she said it was real and this is someone who doesn't trust the vaxxes like me. People really did have heart problems, breathing issues and more. I also have talked to a few who got "long Covid" before vaxx time. Covid still could be environmental or something else, but people are getting sick from something whether it's from gain of function dirty dealings or something else. This is a battle of good and evil, whatever your religious or non-religious persuasions are.
The other day I saw this friend, who is a Covid believer to the max, he's had all five boosters. I've warned him a little bit, he's one of the few I was open to. He thinks Fauci and Gates are good guys. I don't know why. He told me, "You are going to be isolated forever now". I said, "The crap doesn't work so what's it matter and I'd be dead within the week". I then told him about my friends getting sick from the vaxx, but he wouldn't hear of it. He's had Covid already and his wife. I thought well maybe he got a false positive PCR but he said this one guy had Covid who he caught it from and that guy ended up in the hospital so maybe not. The other guy was vaxxed up too, so looks like the same luck of the draw on where the virus takes you, applied before.
He's a nice guy and he brought me wonderful stamps to enjoy and I like him a lot outside of our Covid disagreements but I got kind of depressed being told, "You are going to be isolated forever." I also get scared when he takes a new booster. One weird moment was when he asked me, "Why are you going Qanon?". I said, "I'm not Qanon, come on, you know I was out there with protest signs against Trump!" I wish I had time to send him scientific studies and other articles, and the me of yesterday may have done this but I learned finally, most neurotypicals don't like barrages of information.
It is now very rare to be someone who has never had Covid. Everyone I know has had it. I wonder if OCD helped me. Like I wouldn't let either of us even take the trash out without a mask on, or walk outside without one, if people were in the vicinity. I also put us in KN95 during the era of blue masks, by April and May of 2020. We wear N95 now. However I think, well times going to run out. I'll slip up or my hand will touch something someone just coughed on and I'll itch my nose or something.
I also had weird "conspiracy" wondering thoughts thinking maybe whatever people are being exposed to hasn't happened to me. I'm not outside that much so maybe if it's being dispersed in the environment, maybe I'm protected. I also live in a building made out of thick cinderblock, where smart phones often fail in here, it's one reason we kept a landline. Maybe the 5G isn't bombarding me. Hey don't think I am crazy having some of these thoughts, at this point who knows what is going on. Maybe my body is too strange to get Covid with too small red blood cells or I cook mostly non-processed/non-GMO food. It's hard to know. Maybe it's just the hiding out and going to grocery stores with the fewest people in them and having NO SOCIAL life outside of seeing 1-2 people masked up outside, or in a big library room. Maybe the multiple colds in 2016-2017 where I was crying from getting colds so much back then, gave me immunity. I don't know. I still get scared I'll "get it" and with my PTSD history, this does not help mental health.
But back to being disabled and coping with this.....
What kind of society puts a disabled person in this position? Damned if you do, damned if you don't. No one cares. I don't expect them to anymore. We are in the times of Stalin and Mao and things are just getting rolling. There's no crying at the indoctrination camp. By the way there's worrisome laws being passed where they are destroying freedom of speech. I'm not sure how long I will even be able to talk about things anymore even here. They took down that "Died Suddenly" board on Facebook, with 300,000 people talking about all the people they knew who died or got serious disabilities from the vaxxes. It got put back up but the censorship never ends. There's a hole here that bugs me, why isn't anyone demanding something that isn't so dangerous or actually works. It needles at my brain. Why isn't anyone calling them out saying, "these vaxxes suck, you can do better". Also here the neglect of actual treatment remains that I have complained about before.
If some of you read the posts from the nurses and other medical people posting about what they have seen on that "Died Suddenly" board, you would flip out. There's going to be a lot more disabled people. The sheer numbers of vaxx injured or long Covid cases [prevaxx times so I know the vaxx didn't do it to these folks] or the less than minor issue that Covid may do bad things long term even to ones who got mild cases. I never felt more autistic then when I told a group of people maybe it's a bad idea to keep getting Covid over and over vaxxed or not.
In a dying, failing society, vulnerable people aren't cared about. They always show healthy people outrunning the Nazis or Stasis on our movies, but in reality there were old, elderly and disabled people having to deal with the dirty deeds of all their psychopathic leaders.
Just go stay in your apartment forever except your ventures out in stores wearing a N95. Say goodbye to a social life, to going to church to any future happiness. And then on top of it all, I am supposed to be happy about all this. I've noticed no one else seems pissed off like me, except a few awake people. They all think these miserable psychopath excuses of leaders "care". Well I do not. they failed either on purpose or via incompetency and stupidity.
from "The Simpsons" Yeah this is my life. If I was not married, I would have gone insane by now. And now they are telling me this is forever....Who can I sue?
I see the "normals" meeting friends and having social lives and yes I feel like my life was ruined. It hurts. I already had major social deficients going with the autism and going deaf and now this. I see these two good friends from time to time, and talk to people on Zooms but I think to psychologically survive now, I'm just going to have embrace hermithood at home, well a hermitage of two. I don't have much in common with most people now anyway. I lost friends from all this or have to walk on eggshells with so many, its lonely. I think about all the stuff I miss out on for three years. I am still "stuck". There's no clear answers. Just go back to life, and accept the consequences and hope it's a hoax or that I'm immune or zinc and vit C will keep it away or live like this, it all sucks. Losing these valuable years of life to this has me so pissed off I can't even describe it. It's like my family won.
Why aren't people pissed? I've asked this before. Stockholm Syndrome? There's some protesters in Europe but in America while they took to the streets over other things, no one cares about our lives being ruined or young people being killed by a vaxx that doesn't work, or medical freedom. I saw this ad for a regional pro-choice abortion law, they kept talking about freedoms for doctor and patients, and I thought hmm, funny they don't apply that to the Covid vaxxes. I'm so checked out of regular politics lately, it means so little to me, I feel like both sides are insane.
I saw one social media friend post that the vaxx messed up her periods, they were cycling constantly where she was having a period every other week with heavy bleeding and other bad symptoms, she was getting really sick, but sadly she went to go line up for another booster that made her even sicker. I thought, "That's insane!" However in this case, I went to go talk to her. I sent her a Naomi Wolf link, but she had Covid before vaxx time and said it was really bad and caused breathing problems. It was obvious she felt like she was in a rock and hard place. Yeah that's what they've done with this.
Then this other Facebook friend who is vaxxed to the maxx told me she is getting the "flu" every month, the Covid tests are negative but she keeps getting sick over and over. I didn't have the heart to say anything. She knows some of my opinions. I can't hound people to death.
Supposedly we are supposed to all live normal and get Covid over and over. People think I'm weird now because I am still hiding out. China is insisting on zero Covid and I think they know something about the virus and it's long term effects. It makes no sense to me, this giving up, and just free-spreading it. This is the kind of thing that still confuses and I have cognitive dissonance watching people live normal lives while I've made decisions like I have. I don't know what to think but then I had a friend whose daughter had Covid and ended up on life support with residual lung problems and other factors, she's okay now but obviously Covid or something else did something bad to her lungs.
Another thing I keep thinking is why is it so numerous. MRSA is out there, anyone can catch MRSA, but I didn't shut down my life over MRSA, I lived it but with this Covid crap it seems everywhere constantly. There's the lulls and we seem to go into one, but then the roller coaster ride begins anew. I don't get why this disease won't die out or keeps going and I do think if a monster in a lab created a real virus [bioengineered weapon] where a human being can never develop immunity, then we are looking at the collapse of society. This monster will be remembered forever as worse than Hitler, and Mengele.
I'm creeped out on how they have so quickly normalized ill health, getting "sick" from the failed vaxxes, and just over all decay and destruction of society. They keep talking about people "quiet quitting" jobs but I think people in general have lost motivation and hope. Why work hard if there's nothing to work for and the prices just keep skyrocketing anyway? Why plan for the future when there doesn't seem to be one anyway? One thing I am noticing is even formerly happy people are depressed and melancholic and this feels weird for a life long melancholic. Many are edgy and easily angered. It's better to maybe be a bit antisocial now in some ways. I can escape into my spiritual ponderings in trying to figure out how I ended up in a life and world like this one, but there's times I've said to my husband, "Did we die and not know it and end up in hell?" Then I think quit being silly you got food and power still. You've lived far worse, but it does feel like we are in some kind of altered reality, like living a real life sci fi or dystopian movie.
People are checking out. If I had any degree of health, I'd head for the hills as I said and live the most remote rural life I could find. Teens aren't going to want part time jobs if it means you bring home illness to the family. Some who may have wanted to supplement incomes, don't want to take the risk. I'm under a bit of strain because my husband's temporary job could end this December, and we don't know if there is an extension. We hope he can get more remote work. He still has his transcription work. If he can't then we have to enter the Covid gauntlet via exposure at a job. All the bills have skyrocketed. How long will someone like me last if it's real. The working class has already been bombarded.
The happier ones are the "I don't care" types who remain ignorant of all the troubles. The extroverts with friends at the bar, who for some reason have no worries. They believe the tales that Covid is just like a cold, and you can easily fight it off and it won't do anything long term. All I know is I have read multiple articles that every bout cuts down the immune system. Who knows whats going on. So you've had a cold 10 times? What about Covid 10 times? What about the 15th booster? There's studies saying that negatively affects your immune system too.
The acceptance of all the death too from the vaxxes is psychotic. 16 year olds dropping dead on ball fields and no one gives a damn! Line up and do your part for the state. Delusional insanity ignoring endless side effects. In years past, far less got products removed from the market.
Also I see the cracks forming everywhere. You know the ones you can't talk about with the brainwashed normies? We have these "Dollar" stores of various names here, and the other day I went into one and it looked like a bomb hit it. There was crap in every aisle so it made it very hard to get around in a walker. I knocked over this boxes of brooms, and had husband pick it up since it was too heavy for me. I asked the manager, "What's going on?" She claimed she couldn't get help but that store is not that busy. I go there all the time, and there's never more than 5 customers in the place at a time. There were two employees at the front, and her that day, so why not assign someone to aisle clean up? I had the ominous thought, that their brains were disorganized, and the store had that look, like people couldn't figure out how to put things on shelves and organize anymore either via confusion or breaking down mental processes. So I felt weird. I'm seeing this happen in a few stores around here.
I took this picture, in case I broke anything knocking these brooms over, and they got upset but every aisle was like this, some were even more crowded with stuff. It didn't make sense, why leave small boxes out in the way for people to trip over? Person blurred out was another customer.
There's more mentally ill people in the streets too, people standing and staring. Maybe I look crazy too, who knows but I am talking obvious problems. There was this one guy shouting and screaming running across one street while I waited for my husband to get something from a pharmacy for me. I crouched down in the car not wanting to be noticed.
I thought about those scientists warning about Covid affecting the brain or the Covid vaxxes affecting people's thinking processes and got worried. Maybe they were too depressed to put the store in order, but this is in too many places. I've been noticing other major errors too, like having to reorder my lung medicine twice--getting worried because I ordered it Monday and it still hasn't shown up, banking errors, other slips. My visit at home doctor's office wanted me to enroll in some "managed care program", I looked it up and it looked like a way to deny me medical care so I refused. Some mega-conglomerate bought them now too just like my pharmacy. The kleptocracy is on the roll.
I work on art projects/the zine--getting close to the end, and watch a lot of TV and spend time with husband and try to ignore the collapsing society around me. Okay here's a new set of Covid links for you.
Look at how much money Fauci's made. [I got some others to look up on this website]
Proof That the Pandemic Was Planned & With Purpose | Madison Area Lyme Support Group
https://www.icandecide.org/v-safe/
https://www.mdpi.com/2076-393X/10/10/1651
https://sensereceptornews.com/?p=9385
https://alexberenson.substack.com/p/urgent-the-pandemics-wrongest-man/comments?s=r
https://www.reddit.com/r/conspiracy/comments/ngyrfn/why_hasnt_this_guy_ralph_baric_funded_and/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2973827/
https://old.reddit.com/r/vaccinelonghaulers/ Endless horror stories, all life altering destroying disabilities from the shots. Remember every booster round is a spin of the roulette wheel.
Saturday, October 1, 2022
Safe and Effective?
This is a UK based video talking about the problems with the Covid vaxxes. It brings up many scientific reasons and other problems with corruption and stories of the horrific side effects. It shocks me how they continue to suppress what is happening. The vaxxes have harmed a lot of people. Remember the days when they told us they were 95% effective? What a joke! Everyone I know who has had the vaxx has had Covid, some multiple times. And remember every time you take a new booster, now supposedly needed every 6 months, the roulette wheel for immediate problems is spun.
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