Watching all these people live their lives feels like torture. When I used to have a life and activities that were local, I could deal with all these people around me going on their constant trips, having parties, visitors and more but now that I have no life outside of my marriage and visiting very few friends, my resentment seems to be growing. "Don't envy others", yes I know all spiritual paths insist on this. I just wish there was more people who related around me. I keep my mouth shut, I would just look like a bitch to snark on their fun lives and a few friends have taken well deserved trips and activities to see relatives they haven't seen in years, but sometimes I ask "Why me?".
Its good I get to see a few friends or I would lose my mind, even if I have been wearing masks around them.
Why aren't Fauci, Baric and the rest of them in jail yet? If we had real rule of law in this nation, all these men would already be in jail.
It's occurred to me that I am talking to past community connections, acquaintances and activity friends, like a person that moved away two years ago. They are responding to me like a person who moved away from them and they have moved on. That's sad to me.
Even with sending cards and Zoom contact, the relationships and connections have ebbed away. One art friend, I need to go her art show, Covid or no Covid. I always fear hurting people's feelings over this stuff. After no contact, I had spent years establishing all these networks and they've been messed up. I've missed zine conferences, stamp auction and club, UU events from dinners to committees, the gym, art classes, art shows, art meetings, two book clubs, and more.
Has this happened to anyone else?
It feels like all I see is the back end of people in this life. The powers that be have worked on seperating people a lot. Most know leaving my old rural town of 15 years ago, affected me badly, and the same thing seems to be happening not but this time I didn't move.
I feel this even in my UU church, I'm on Zoom, I'm not THERE. There's no personal time together anymore. Into the third year, we have become strangers. There's one guy who helped us with car problems and another lady that works with me on my garden so I don't take those efforts for granted, but I've been gone too long. One week, I said to husband, "Maybe we should go back, we could wear N95s"...but seems every time I do, someone there gets Covid and then I lose the courage. He doesn't want to join any groups now in person. From his angle, he wants to protect me. If not for him, I would maybe take more chances. I worry about talking him into doing more or going to groups and then he catches it and gets sick. All the ties have been loosened. There were 4 women at my last UU Zoom service I didn't even recognize. That's just one group but it's happened in others.
What's Covid been for most of the people around here? They trust in the system, they think it's okay to get Covid over and over, some are on their third or fourth bout. They believe Covid's just a cold. As a disabled person who is "immuno-compromised" this feels like not so subtle ableism on steroids. There is the pressure that I am a hypochondriac now, I feel it in the air. One told me, "You can't go on like this forever".
Unless Covid is a hoax and they are just getting colds and false positive PCRS, I don't know how they won't be screwed. I read scary Pubmed stuff on Covid causing long term problems including neurological and autoimmune even if you had a mild case. It's not like getting a cold over and over. Maybe this is a place where I am too smart for my own good, I think it's a really really bad idea to get Covid multiple times a year.
More than 50 Long-term effects of COVID-19: a systematic review and meta-analysis - PubMed (nih.gov)
This one haunts the hell out of me:
SARS-CoV-2 causes brain inflammation and induces Lewy body formation in macaques | bioRxiv
COVID-19 Reinfections and Serious Health Problems (healthline.com)
No one cares around here. No one wears masks. I feel like everyone is in on a secret....maybe it's a HOAX, but I haven't gotten the news. I feel like a crazy woman sometimes skulking around in my N95 while everyone else has moved on. I am TOO isolated to know how sick people are getting or not. I live in a more stiff upper lip section of the country, maybe some old and fellow disabled people share aches and pains but the culture here is to suck it up and deal with it yourself. Maybe nothing's happening and I am a fool to have let my social life fall apart and to live like this. There's a lot of things that can kill me and I here I am hiding out over one.
Maybe it's a pot of piss and all these people getting "Covid" really just have colds. None of them died. One 85 year old man got "Covid" pneumonia but he's old enough that could have happened during normal times. Sometimes I think they released real SARS on us in the early stages so some did get really sick and even wonder if the pandemic has been over for a while so they can drag things out. They'll shout VARIANTS, but honestly I don't see much difference in between cases. Maybe the vaxxed with diminished immune systems are getting constant colds. I don't know.
I still don't know anyone who has died of Covid yet. Some friends of mine do believe it is all a hoax, which gives me a weird feeling what if my social and community life has been destroyed on a complete lie? If I blow three years like this how will I feel if I ever find this out. My husband believes it is real and is sure about it, even though I told him my theory about early SARs.
I am so twisted in knots, trying to figure things out and have been unable to. It's driving me crazy. I told one friend, I think it's real and a bioengineered weapon but then I thought why would the elite put themselves at risk? Normal people don't seem afraid at all, and here, I feel invalidated with more emotions I feel I have to shut down and suppress to be "normal". It is so tiring. There's no one to talk to. All it does is confuse me. Maybe this is autism, we think about "the details" too much.
One thing disturbing me, is it doesn't seem to be ending at all. Like there will never be an end to this. I wonder if something is different about me and most people, they just chose to go with whatever serves them without a care in the world. It's probably easier to live that way, maybe I wish I was like that. People don't seem to have feelings anymore at least where I live about any of this. They shrugged their shoulders and ignore Covid. Some may think I am obsessed and just need to throw the masks away and live my life and "stop being paranoid". As far as I know, knock on wood, I haven't caught it yet. Just about everyone I know has had it, if the tests are to believed. Oh I'm glad I never took the shots, I can tell inklings of their bad effects is now trickling out to the mainstream.
Most working class and poor people probably had to say screw it, we can't afford to hide in our apartments anyway. Did Ralph Baric destroy the world? Maybe. Will this be the rest of our lives. By the way conspiracy people say it's "scheduled" to end in 2025. I've seen this chart on multiple conspiracy websites. Three more years? We won't have any minds left.
At this point if we are going to have apocalypse, just let it all crash, then I won't have to worry about these bills anymore and can just accept the inevitable. The slow grind is worse. Even when I do go out, the virus is there hovering over my head, "What if I get it?" What if this trip to the thrift store or library was a "mistake"? There's a feeling of living on "borrowed time" anyhow. I've seen other disabled people talking about these feelings elsewhere, these are some of the folks who relate to how I feel.
There's times lately I've felt weepy watching old shows, it's happened several times, watching Barney Miller, and Laverne and Shirley, what's bringing those feelings out? There felt like there was some hope and connection in those times. Life had some joy to it. You could have a meal out or go to a party or be at peace without endless worries. I made a joke, that even doing WWII if the place wasn't being bombed, you could go out to the dance hall.
.I said to husband, "Either it's a complete fake, or we are talking extinction". Ponder for yourself something that just keeps spinning off variants and never ends. This is why I get confused. Are the partying elite with no masks worried about extinction? There's so much that doesn't add up
Why are there so many cases? Are all the tests false positives? Maybe they sprinkled some real SARs but most of the tests are bogus. If someone can prove to me the tests they give for Covid are legitimate, I'll read. I did find out they isolated it in Brazil but it's hard to know what to believe anymore.
I even had thought okay there's diseases like MRSA out there, and other bad ones, I just lived life of in spite of them, but every time I turned around and wanted to pull the plug on all the isolation, someone would claim they had Covid. A few months ago, I thought no one's getting it anymore and then that changed and I almost went back into the world.....then 7 people I knew 'got it'. I'm on enough Zooms to find out when people get Covid, some talk about those in household with it, or themselves.
I seriously don't know what is going on. Out in the world, everyone has decided there's no Covid around here and no one wears masks anymore. It's over as far as they are concerned. A great majority have accepted just catching it over and over. It's so muddled up.
Even the vaxxed to the hilt, who seem to have lots of money are on constant trips and activities and don't seem to have a care in the world. I got tired of feeling afraid of them because they supported all the tyranny, and now their decisions make no sense to me.
Maybe I'm an idiot for still hiding in my apt. Maybe they are deceived in thinking there's nothing wrong with having had Covid multiple times and Covid will all rot their brains soon. The vaxxes seemed to have taken emotions and fear out of them even though they keep catching it.
None of our public health people have a plan except doubling down on failure. "Vaxx me Harder Daddy" so there can be more blood clots and autoimmune disorders. I just don't see how any of this is going to end. I never in a million years thought they would come up with a virus where human beings can't form any immunity against it. I never thought there would be a "forever" pandemic. I have a few friends who have feelings and emotions about this all but watching the majority of the people around me, they scare me because THEY DON'T! Maybe some simply gave up. They figure I got a life to live it's time to live it. Am I being smart or cowardly? Am I deceived?
If Covid is real, I think the people getting it over and over are taking a big chance. The vaxxes don't protect one from long term effects. Spike proteins from all sources are poison. If Covid is fake, then maybe I'm a fool but then I worried from the start when Trump said Covfefe, he worked to have it spread as far possible. The apocalypse is too slow. It's grinding us down.
