Friday, January 29, 2016

Popular Kids


Well the communists and socialists won't save us either. If anything Capitalism is married to state and we have a new combined system of Oligarchs who have their hand in the socialist pot and all the worse aspects of Capitalism.

My Favorite Song When I was 21

Slight language warning on this one for one word. My whole life I have always liked more what can one call it "ethereal" music. Well back then I was a goth. It is strange I have been thinking a lot about my old goth days and how they tied into what I was dealing with.   It was intertwined with my life as an artist back then. It was a way for emotional expression among the emotionally dead.

"Ive lost in the drift"

When I became a Christian, I did remove myself from a lot of the music, but in facing some of the things I have lately, I've gone down memory lane, thinking about things I have not in 20 years. Maybe when everyone gets old, they revisit one's old music.

Don't Care

Less food from having to keep a better diabetes score and food insecurity did nothing. Well I am not gaining at least.  How many people look at their scales and are disappointed by the promised CICO math scores?

CICO means Calories In, Calories Out.

"How Mutton Flaps are Killing Tonga"

How Mutton Flaps are Killing Tongas

This is one of the weirdest article titles I've ever seen before.

Eat too much mutton [older lamb] and gain weight? It sounds like it is the fattiest cut. We all know food more and more is priced according to how healthy or unhealthy it is with the healthiest food being more expensive. They shouldn't complain about people getting fatter when they jack up the prices of food according to how healthy or unhealthy it is.

Lamb and me don't agree, it's kidney stone and illness time if I dare to eat it at all and I haven't in 4 years. I probably could away with a very small piece grilled at a restaurant, but it would have to be cooked properly. The poor Tonga get judged for being fat when obviously the picture is more complicated there too.

Is Morbid Obesity Beautiful?

Warning this guy is down on fat people for being "ugly" but asking why severe obesity is being promoted in art and other areas. He needs to get real if 60 percent or more of your population is fat, then it's going to be showing up in the art and elsewhere. What do you expect? He points out the sad fact that fat men remain invisible. He is cruel in calling the fat "ugly" not realizing that beauty is a subjective thing.

 As for the rest of his video, asking why severe obesity is being promoted. Here's my answer because they are fattening us up by design and if they make it "acceptable" on one level, then no one will demand answers as to why everyone is growing so fat and severely fat at that, and they can keep their population control and other agendas humming along.

While he sees through some of this stuff, he is still stuck in the matrix referring to the failures of "personality responsibility" of fat people.

Seeing Through the Obesity Lies 

Are Americans Forced to Act Happy Too Much?

some of the philosophies that cause us trouble. {the message being if you got a lot of weeds, it's your fault}

I sometimes wonder if my real ethnic ancestry is one where the people tend to be more emotional.

You know wave your hands, cry and write sad poetry. Some groups of people in the world are more known for open expressive emotions. Some will say this is a nature vs. nuture thing. Maybe this is why I didn't fit in with my closed mouth stoic narcissistic family. There was never any hand waving or open laughter or much expression.

I imagine myself living in a small village where I could have been an artist, and shared emotions from good to bad. I don't know where this idealized view of life came from. Maybe some will think I am cracked with these weird visions of life. Am I Hungarian? I'm guessing based on my looks. What am I? I once thought whatever I am, it doesn't fit in with the people I grew up with.

Same for American society. This place is getting crazy.

There is all this focus in America of being the closed mouth, smiling, happy, "winner". It goes along with the "Think Positive" stuff I've talked about on this blog.  I wanted to share some comments that other posts wrote when I posted this article:

Why You Never Tell People Your Problems. 

One commenter shared some ideas I totally agree with:

WELL, I AGREE that we need to have boundaries; but you are saying, because yer problems are not solveable, you can't get comfort and sympathy from friends.

THAT HAS become an "American-problem," I read in a depression work-book.this society wants everyone to not look unhappy,but BE CHEERFUL all the time.the book said,that's why we have such alcoholism, drug addiction,depression,and self-destructive behaviors. this society is WRONG. --IT WAS ALWAYS OK,YEARS AGO,for communities to share problems,get support,give comfort,help each other--And BE THERE for each other. NOW you have to call a "support line" or "suicide-help-line" and talk to them.there's often no family support--and/or community support. the SOCIETY IS SICK. SICK SICK!!you should still be able to get comforting, sympathy,support from friends, clergy,rabbis, for yer problems. it is the society that's sick and cruel,not you. Even the depression book said that!!our society is sick,.and cruel!!hey, you want to call me,or complain on my blog, go ahead, i tell you my pains, you can tell me yours.i am not afraid to hear painful stuff.And a generous,caring person(s) does not flee from the pain of friends.When we share this stuff, it becomes less.I believe that. you could not talk to more reserved folks, but there are people who care, besides the scared people around. :)

I agree with the above. This is one reason America are one of the most depressed nations on earth. To have problems means you are a bad person. To be "negative" is the worse sin you can commit as you are told you must ignore what is going around you and always "make the best of it".  Yes here too, I'll tell you my pains and you tell me yours.  Many of us know what it is to be judged for not being happier and "together". Happiness has become a race in America pure and simple. We all want to be happy don't we but when happiness is a race isn't part of the point being lost?

Most of us melancholics, already inside struggle thinking, "We should be happier".  Inside we question the dark clouds that encroach upon our hearts. Sometimes we get our times, appreciating what we can. I appreciate my husband, and like doing art and watching movies, but then it gets tiring, we do get sad, and it's scarier being sad, when the world around you demands that you present a certain look and where honest emotions are so disdained.  I do things like take pictures of butterflies and try and enjoy what I can.

As a disabled person too, there is this unwritten contract, that I must always be an "inspiration" to the healthy and not overburden people with my fears and pain.. Depression as a whole is getting worse because everyone feels ALONE in their problems. How come there's no other poor people for me to talk to in person?

Many people are boozing it up and drugging it, to kill emotions inside so they can keep the demanded smile on their face and be well liked even though they are dying inside.  The commenter is right, now people pour their hearts out on support lines to strangers. They pour their hearts out on blogs like this one.

Many families in America especially narcissistic ones are no longer places of support and comfort but braggart fests where the cost of admission is an equal income and bragging about trophy, children, vacations and more. At least in the last Depression in America, you could admit a depression was going on. My commenter continued:

"Yes,if you're Jewish,"kvetching", complaining, is common ok among Jewish people.Everyone does it; you don't get condemned.Kvetching is almost THERAPUTIC.To kvetch,is to get the pain out,and having kvetched,the pain is less.People who keep stuff inside get sick from it.---is Jewish reasoning.

Research on surgery patients looked at pre-surgery patients who complained,were emotional,ect, before surgery, had better after surgery results, did better.Surgery patients who were very stoic,calm,said nothing,before surgery, did not do quite as well with after-surgery physical coping. So even surgery-research on complaining yielded these results. If you live in a culture where "kvetchng" back and forth between people is deemed NORMAL,and ok, you may have a culture that helps everyone get support,and catharsis,and everyone is mentally and maybe even physically healthier. 

Look at the physical health of the stressed, hard working person who is VERY WASP, very "corporate-modern",and always keeps up a happy face.Chances are,he may drink too much,or even be a secret drinker. Maybe he gets HIGH a lot with friends,even coke.His heart-health,blood pressure,and other physical problems, iike ulcers, indigestion,insomnia, ect., may not be very good. Having to "act happy,and cheerful" all the time is very wearing. A kvetching-culture may be a lot healthier.--for both the complainer and the sympathetic ear. And it works well both ways.The CONNECTION is healthy.

Oh this is true too. The "keeping face" stuff is making people sadder. When you always have to keep a front on and can't get real, how is that any good for anyone? Here too boundaries are important but now in our narcissistic culture even just admitting you have a problem is seen as a weakness to be preyed upon by narcissists. People aren't as relaxed or open with each other anymore. In the work world, yes, the "professionals" are told they must always appear in control. One thing that is happening is problems now get shoved under the carpet because people are scared of complaining or "looking bad' or making a mistake. What would a society be like where people could complain?

Here is another issue, one commenter raised that us ACONs can deal with.

"I have mixed feelings here. Part of the reason I've hit this problem as an ACON and trauma survivor is simply that most people are used to a 'normal life' that I don't share at all, and a lot of them are easily shocked at violations of that norm, especially when it comes to families. The most innocent conversation topic can be full of landmines. Someone mentions parents? Mine are dead. Oh, you're sorry? Well, my NF's death was overall a pretty positive event for me... My only alternative to letting all this spill out is to not say anything about my life at all.."

I wrote back a longer response but this is something I deal with too. One thing I believe that caused me trouble socially around here, is I admitted being an ACON in a local self help group. This was a mistake. Even other people struggling with depression even severe depression who have had normal loving families don't get us. During normal social small talk and other times, it can be tough. People are talking about their families, their children, their vacations, their jobs, and I've had that problem too, "What do I talk about?" I can talk about art a bit and like to listen to people talk about themselves but then what do I tell them? There's so many landmines and so much "bad" stuff showing--I'm on a walker, have a very disfiguring illness as bad as the Elephant Man in some ways. Just being there I'm already a Debbie Downer. Add in struggles with depression and I'm faking it to make it more then half the time.

Then add in the "Be positive or else" edicts they are unloading on people and it seems people are afraid of anything that is real or different or "too intense" and it makes social interaction harder and more difficult.

One thing that has occurred to me is the troubles of my last 8 years was having a life I built be dismantled and it's been hard to build another life. Back then my family was a non-issue, I was VLC and kept them off the radar screen but socially I could appear normal by saying "Oh yes I saw my mother at Thanksgiving". This NC process has been harder because in the last few years I have been dealing with abuse issues and the rest, I kept in the fog for years before but then it became more on my mind. I compartmentalized things during those earlier years and acted like things were normal when they were far from it.

Socially I have now taken the tactic of just letting people believe my family is deceased with new people. I don't want them there standing in the room anymore. They aren't in my life. Some may see this as dishonest but it's easier. I have to manage more of my own boundaries. In my husband's case, most of his family IS deceased as a result of World War II and his parents both dying in their mid 60s. Some local acquaintances and friends have asked me "Why don't you two have a family?" because I live in a very family focused area, where even single and childless people have cousins, aunts, uncles and others. Saying that one is estranged is actually too much information for most.

Years ago I wrote that I had a rule never to tell anyone you were an ACON unless you have known them for two years, and even now I am realizing that is not safe and not even many "friends" will even get it and people will indeed see you as the problem instead of your rotten family. People will naturally think, well if their own family hated them what good are they?. Our trauma and PTSD results and other things upset people. They do not understand and well, that is one thing I struggle with, knowing in some cases, I let a few in too far. When I am around people who can admit their faults, things for me socially are far better, but in a "saving face" group of people, I'm screwed because too many problems SHOW even through my physical body alone. If someone believes in the think positive edicts, things can fail there too because I feel like every word is being put through a screen.

It does feel harder to get close to people then it did when I was younger. I am not sure what this is about or if it is from some of my own problems, but I am old enough to feel like society changed in an insidious way. People could hang looser years ago. You could complain about your job or say the weather stinks or "Man I am broke this week" without judgment. You could be more real. Now it's like everything is measured and scripted and you always have to appear on top. It's kind of scary.

When Life itself in a narcissistic society becomes a "Bragging Contest" where one's own happiness is to be measured as to whether you are a good person or not. That is causing a lot of this nonsense. Did you know the Bible warns about the "pride of life"? [1 John 2:16] It's something I have thought about in regards to this. Happiness is not supposed to be a contest or a demand, in fact it ruins that happiness. It's like the smiles of people in a cult, "keeping sweet". If you don't like me because I am too melancholic, then that's no help to anyone.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Creative Growth

A Training Ground for Untrained Artists

This article appeared in New York Times Magazine about this art center for disabled artists, and it is fascinating. That looks like one cool place to hang out and make art. I have heard of groups for Aspie and autistic artists that are in other states. If only more communities offered something like this especially with a place for "outsider artists" of different kinds including the disabled and developmentally disabled community.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Husband Drew Me Some Cartoons

"Hy Pryce Shoppe" "The Adventures of Cynical Budgie", "Easy on my wallet", "This Trip is gonna Suck" "Oh Crap I Don't Have Enough Money", "I hate Shopping" "Everything Stinks", "Rich People Grocery Stores" "On Sale Nine Grain Bread, Tomatoes 2 percent milk, Cottage Cheese: Seventy Million Jillion Billion $s

Uh oh, Cynical Budgie may be me! :p

My husband drew me some cartoons, hey art fever breaks out around here. It keeps us entertained between visits to my Flexitouch sessions and his online work. He started doing this in writing me notes when to wake him up for work. I wrote down some of the harder to read lines, see below each picture.

"Ack Missed a BeaK" "Here We Come Peeping Down the Street", "Lead Singing Budgie" "We Get the Funniest Looks"

"Straight out of Stinksville" "It's Squawksville man! "Naw get me out of L-7 ville" "Crooked feet from walking too much. "Beatnick Peep", "Beatnick Peep Poetry to Impress". "Drink for Hours hopes Someone will buy Another"

These always gave me a good laugh. I hung them up in our bedroom. My real life nick names are Budgie and Peep. "Everything Stinks" is a private joke, it shows up as a panel in my other comic where Budgie is yelling it.

Homemade Mei Fun

It's 7.50 a plate at the cheapest Chinese restaurant so I made my own!

 Take 1 chicken breast and half and cut in thin strips against the grain, marinate in soy sauce, garlic powder and 4 or 5 shakes of hot sauce and pepper. Chop up celery, small bit of carrot and onion very thinly--used sweet onion in this case, and cook in pan, then cook some fresh beansprouts. Boil water and soak thin rice noodles--red box ones, and do that ahead of time. Put chicken veggies together in big red pot, and then cook three scrambled eggs in other pan and mix with veggies and chicken and rice noodles and a dash of brown sugar--just a smidgen of that. Stir fry it up. [have left overs]

Clock Turnback

Bad Luck Over and Over or Sabotaged?

[picture source]

Something I have wondered about.

My husband worked his butt off at his jobs for years, newspaper jobs, the evidence for the work is right in front of one's face.

I thought about all the multiple job lay-offs and us being slammed financially to the ground. I used to think it was just a lot of bad breaks, but sometimes you wonder. Most people with his level of education can at least find some type of worthwhile employment.

It always makes me wonder if something happened behind the scenes to ruin his career. I hope no one thinks I am paranoid asking this question.

Queen Spider wanted me under the highway overpass and probably did everything in her power to make it happen. I still remember when he was told he was not being hired for a good government job in 2006 and that he had missed passing the interview, by 1.5 points. He passed the written test.

Sunday, January 17, 2016


The story of many an Aspie life or even just people who think for themselves too!

Amazing Opal

From Amazing Geologist page on Facebook

Building Up Your Ability to Go Without Love or Acceptance

This is a good video. This is definitely a problem ACONS face. I had a time before I met my husband where I was all alone in the world. This was during my first no contact and all my college friends had graduated and returned to homes that were all hundreds of miles away. We can end up in a negative place where out of the fear of being alone, we give in to neediness and desiring the approval of others. It is a struggle for me.

When young,  I put up with many toxic relationships because I feared being alone. Fortunately I ended up secure in my only romantic relationship and marriage which probably was pure luck in meeting a fellow Aspie but in many others I was not secure.  I ended up with abusers at work, at college and in social gatherings.  While in my 20s I learned to stand up for myself and fight, only in recent years I am only getting to the root of the problem. For all of us with a no contact of a couple years, you realize all the people you walked on from or went no contact with and think "What now?" The room is empty. You get afraid. At times you think, "Was I crazy to walk away from all these people?"

What was put in us, to even pursue love, attention and acceptance even from our families and other people who did not like us? Since I have been no contact the last two and half years, this is something I have asked myself. The desperate years of wanting these people to embrace and love me, and trying to hard to make it happen was very sad. What led to this? I suppose the lack of love that every child needs was an empty hole, we all desperately kept trying to fill.

Back in those days, it was better to have a friend no matter how badly they treated me. I had at least a few friends I didn't even like back in college just so I wouldn't have to sit at a dorm dinner table alone. One bored me to tears and had the emotional depth of a 1 inch puddle. Sometimes I had these people who treated me like absolute dirt as "friends" in my twenties. One even treated me like an annoyance, and there I was like a puppy dog going "please love me" for years.

I'm this old and realizing the life long implications of having a family that did not love me and the neediness I took out in the world. For those with "mean" mothers who rub popularity in the face of their daughters, some of us may even get the idea that our self-worth is tied up in how many people like us and and in full social calendars.  This desperation was something real toxics used to their advantage. Many young ACONS can end up with narcissistic, or abusive or controlling romantic partners doubling their trouble.

Some good friends, we may need to take personal time for ourselves when facing troubles and emotional upheavals but I am talking about the other kind of relationships that too any ACONs learned to put up with that are toxic. Many of us attracted narcissists to ourselves. When you are in a deferential mode towards people it puts you in a bad position.

The therapist on the video is right about having an emotional backbone where you can stand alone and be okay with yourself. We don't want to be stuck in the trap forever of trying to get love and acceptance. We want self differentiation where we stay connected while being ourselves.

I asked on here, some time ago in article, "Can I be me?".  Some of my social anxiety is arising out of this panic. Some of my social anxiety has worsened, in the last few years. I am not sure why or how, and even at times miss having more confidence and a fighting spirit. I have been burned so many times over the last few years, it makes sense. It may be as I dig down to the roots of this stuff, there are times like this.

 The depth of my rejection was so intense, that I know there has had to be a lot of working to come out of it. There were times when I was teen and later where I don't even know how I stayed alive, since no one cared about me in the entire world. I was able to find myself and become my own individual person, and that in itself was a miracle, but I don't walk around anymore with this fear. Where I feel I must prove myself to people or that their opinion of me if it turns negative will destroy me.  These are things that bring trouble to relationships, that insecurity. Add in Aspergers and the natural solitude that can come with severe illness and it's a complicated pictures.

I am working on accepting "being alone" and also asking "What do I like, and what do I want?" outside the definitions and strictures others have given me. He is so right about depression being a deficient of pleasure. I have kept myself out of the psych ward, just waking up some days and deciding, "I must have fun today". We don't want to be dependent on others to serve those needs. I know years ago that was something I was able to do in my 20s going out to eat alone or reading a good book or a movie.

It is an ironic paradox that when you need love and acceptance, you will get less of both.

The Sound of A Wild Snail Eating

Natural history books are always interesting. It is surprising I missed this one but plan to check this one out.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Smakintosh: Narcissists Use of Moral Leverage to Control

Wow on this one. I definitely needed to hear this one especially since I have brought up in some of my articles and discussions the "Christians" who have affected some of us ACONs in very negative ways. Some of us have shared our tales of the "disapproving" church ladies and men with noses in the air, and shaking fingers at us who have called us out for being wicked, for being abused at all!

Jesus warned of the Pharisees, who unloaded "heavy burdens" on people and as Smakintosh says, will not move them with "one finger". When Smakintosh speaks of the "burdens that affect the unseen part of a man" that definitely has helped opened my own eyes to how this process of moral leverage works. It's not literal weights on your back but literal weights on your soul. I'm in the process of removing this stuff myself.

How many have felt oppressed by narcissists and others who call us out as "immoral", and "bad" and "wrong" in a religious or other context? Some of us have been called wicked for so long. It can be dangerous spiritual ground as this can be a place where a young person especially can abandon their conscience with thoughts like "I must be wicked anyway". Many ACONs attest to narcissistic parents who use various religious cults to shout at them for being wicked and to push false "guilt". Many carry enough guilt from "secular sources" but many have the religious kind too. Narcissists love to use religion and tell you that you are not kind or compassion enough or that you do not have the proper life.  The religion of "works" rules in Narc. Land. When Smakintosh speaks of those who lay on these burdens designed "to punish, injure and to exhaust the inner parts of man", this definitely defines what happens from this type of abuse of moral leverage. Two elements he mentions are power, and religion.

All this is done to set the frame work of the moral paradigm narcissists wish to establish.  Smakintosh calls out false Christians who use the name of Jesus to deceive. Those people who are false and claiming to be His followers and work to ensnare Christians. I've mentioned these type of people and my own run-ins with them. I've been in the place too of helping to rebuild others stripped to the bone by such types. This world has a lot of religious and spiritual abuse victims. For many narcissists and sociopaths, the modern churches are their feeding grounds.

Smakintosh is right that such types have hijacked the reputation of Jesus to form a "moral culture suitable to their own agenda". Many of us are feeling the pressures of this "moral culture", even my last articles, points to my feelings of repression and being smothered.  Some of us are so shamed and such outcasts from the culture we live in, it has been a fire-bombing of our souls. Religion has been used as a "list of wrong-doings and faults" to shame us further.

Surely some mean well and are honest about the frustration of unsolvable problems, but there is this coldness spreading across the land, called the "narcissist" 'saving of face' where appearances matter for everything, and even suffering itself must be erased from consciences and kept behind cover. It used to be that cults alone forced the "keeping sweet" like FLDS, now America in general has joined the trend. I've tried to put a voice to this feeling for a long time, and it has a lot to do with the narcissistic deadening of emotions and the biblical warning about people waxing cold. Why do I feel afraid around people now? It seems people are more busy hiding each other from one another now in our society, there are spiritual forces behind these things.

These soul afflictions do impact people in a very negative way, impacting their faith and relationship with God. I have been affected obviously and am just pulling myself back out. Smakintosh nails this one out of the park when he mentions, "now the ideology of materialism has been used much the same way as the Christian religion the idea that material success equates to rightness has permeated much of our modern cultural mind set."  This is an issue covered on this blog. It's not only might makes right, but cash makes correct according to this false mind set. Money is a bludgeon in the hand of the wicked, and it's not just things or the lack of things that can be affected but one's very soul. 

Yes, in America especially we are taught financial success means goodness and financial destitution means badness. He is right that while intellectually and emotionally we know that something is wrong with these attitudes, it does affect the  inwards parts of the conscience. It does affect the way a person interprets their self-worth. The covert narcissists are joined in this game too. The moral atmosphere of modern American society is based on materialism. It is an ideology pushed by the narcissists who run this place. 

Yes it is joined with family first and other bad ideologies. Smakintosh mentions the modern institutions that back these things up and he is right that modern "Christian" ministries, corporations, TV and other groups all do. Family First is a false premise. Actually I believe many modern churches have idolized family, the Duggars definitely would be an example. Most who push that philsophy, children and other family members are their mere trophies. This is why single people find themselves frozen out in many of a church that wants the "perfect families" in the pews. A true family is to be based on spiritual realities, not DNA or genetics. Yes Jesus even rejected the false moral leverage of his own family. It's a project many an ACON has to work through, rejecting these false moral leverages.

Why You Never Tell People Your Problems

Is this meme the outcome of a narcissistic society?

Why You Never Tell People Your Problems

"Stick with me on this one because it isn't going to seem "right" at first, but if you focus on the angle I'm approaching this topic at, you'll see the point I'm trying to make.

Everybody has problems.  And everybody has friends.  And part of having friends or loved ones is to share your problems.  You need a sounding board, you need to vent, and doing such things are healthy and expected.  However, when you unload and vent, it is usually problems that are not dire, nor insurmountable.  You got a cold, you boss is being a jerk, the weather sucks, whatever, they all have an end and a solution, and are thus surmountable. 

But then there are problems that are terminal. There is no solution.  There is only one outcome.  There is no end.  And if there is one, the cost is not only great, but nothing can be done to stop it.  Things like terminal sickness, bankruptcy, divorce, etc.  And it is here you need to be very selfless and think this one through.

Say the economy has gone south and you are imminently approaching bankruptcy.  There is nothing you can do about it.  It is going to happen.  It is outside of your control.

Do you tell your friends about it?  Do you complain to your loved ones about it?

The answer is no, and let me explain why.

Just as you are powerless to stop this horrible thing from happening, so to are your friends and loved ones.  And in complaining to them or telling them about your unsolvable problem, you put them at unease because they are powerless and helpless to do anything about it.  It is human nature to want to help, but if help is just not possible you unconsciously make your friends feel uncomfortable and powerless.


 For example, have you ever had a friend whose loved one got cancer, or your friend got cancer him/herself?  And upon hearing the news you don't know what to say because, well, what can you say?  "I'm sorry?"

That's about all you can do.  You are completely helpless and thus have nothing to say.

Worse still, you can exacerbate this situation, with your "terminal" problem.  Because of the severity of these terminal problems, you don't just mention it once to your friends and then it goes away.  It's a terminal problem, it will be with you until it terminates.  And because of it's severity, it is going to be the single largest topic weighing heavily on your mind.  You will want to tell somebody about it, in perhaps a subconscious attempt to find a non-existent solution, but all you will do is drive them further away because you make it so uncomfortable.

Now, am I saying, you NEVER tell anybody you got cancer or that you filed for bankruptcy or your spouse left you?  No, but I am saying once you make the declaration, there is nothing to gain by revisiting your unsolvable problem with friends and loved ones.

In short the lesson is to consider the position your friends and loved ones are in.  They are already your friends, they are already your loved ones, but unless it is within their power to do anything, constantly bringing up major problems you have (no matter how much they are affecting your life) only pushes people further away.  Love and appreciate your friends and loved ones, be selfless enough not to hound them with your unsolvable problems.

Tell me HONESTLY what you think of the above. I have erred greatly in some friendships talking about problems too much. I was always trying to do "right" by this and would try to make sure I was balancing out negative and positive things and that I was being a "good" friend and listening to them too but it seemed I still upset people.

Socially I am failing and upsetting people without meaning to. It's like my cup is over-run with emotions and too much spilled over. Maybe this guy is right about the process I have gone through. Obviously I talked about a lot of problems on this blog too. My blog will continue but the life stuff needs fixed.

Being vulnerable in America society can be tough. Vulnerability means being kicked in the face by the toxics but it can be complicated beyond that. We played several bad hands and well, how long can one boo-hoo over one's bad hand in life that is unfixable without driving people crazy? One friend even told me at this conjecture, I should accept some things and this is true. I don't want to spend the rest of my life banging my head on the wall. I am just going to "BE".

 Outside of very few friendships and this blog, I'm talking 2-3, I started going very quiet about a year ago. I knew telling people any problems was bringing me bad things. I didn't go crazy with public and outer circle people but I realized fast even mild statements like "I am on disability, or I am estranged from my this relative" while providing no other details brought bad social outcomes to me.   I had to learn to become more private.

This can be a lesson that ACONs have to learn because we were never taught boundaries and then I realized the social rules I was breaking even as an Aspie. Something seems to have changed in society too where saving face has become even more important.

I actually knew that I had to STOP, and only talk about positive things within many circles and other friends. Some groups I kept enjoying like my book clubs, and more, but I didn't grow close to anyone so it was the activities themselves left to be enjoyed. With other outer circle friends and activity pals, I would discuss art and trips they took and other topics.

I actually quit going to my self-help and depression group recently, because I told my husband, "Look we have had these same problems for years, and we have not been able to solve them. People don't want to hear them anymore." The people who were left in the group were nice people, it wasn't them. It was us. We can't reiterate problems over and over that have remained unsolvable. People get frustrated with you. Also we are allowing a point of vulnerability there. This guy is right about "terminal" problems in that there are problems in life which are not solvable.

There's a little bit about that, which bugs me, there is something in American society where only success matters.  At the same time I was freeing myself from the narcissists in the family I was coming out of some spiritual abusive stuff too and leaving a church I no longer agreed with.  I had this drive in me to "fix things and figure them out". Some would call that rumination but they did not understand the thinking or motive behind it.  They didn't realize as I was getting away from my abusers, the emotions and things I didn't talk about. I'm the one living in this body and brain. Sometimes I get tired worrying about what are the right and wrong things to say and tiring of the endless social and other errors. It's enough to have one become a hermit. Socially I feel extremely stressed lately outside of my marriage and few relationships.

I often had the thought I was tied down to my problems even when I didn't want to be. I could only hide so much. When I didn't come up with the socioeconomic and other goods, people were angry.

One thing that worries me, is people do seem to judge me so much and without reservation. I feel so judged lately it is killing me. So many seem to focus on my imperfections and maybe part of it is my fault, because I allow myself to be too vulnerable.

I desire to be close to people and open my heart too wide. I think of things I could criticize in people but it is not something that occurs to me to treat people like this in turn and start taking them apart piece by piece and telling them what they are doing wrong. One day, I cried to my husband, he is someone I can be absolutely real with, and said,  "Why is everyone so much into correcting me?" Perhaps it is my fault, they have taken that approach towards me.  If we open the door to discussing problems, some mean well and want to "fix" the problems, so maybe this guy is right we are only frustrating some people and bring trouble to our relationships. We open the door to some bad stuff. 

Yes, I consider this a negative societal trend by the way, that people no longer can share and be open with others. Everything seems to be a competition nowadays. Learning to deal with the reality and world we are stuck with, is not easy.

Even with the low contact relatives, I started telling myself, keep your mouth shut about anything "negative." They can't fix the problems with your mother or sister or the other narcissists. With the niece who later parted ways from me I said as little negative as humanly possible. I can't figure out if I said too much or if I simply became too boring and superficial because of this. I slipped up the other day with one who was playing flying monkey, but this is the general rule I try to adhere to. I am not even sure there is even a "relationship" with any of the "nicer" relatives.  The well was poisoned long ago, I know that part is not my fault.

So much of life for me anyway is suppressing myself outside of writing on these blogs. With some "friends" earlier on, I was doing outright censorship and repression of my emotions because there was so much bad and scary stuff especially as I was going through the no contact process, and I still failed and upset people. Some were toxics but they used the vulnerabilities to hurt me. Isn't it a bad sign when you have to start to second guess everything you say to people?

 Maybe I appear "weak" to others.   I can't fix endless problems and the some of craziness spilled over.  All the expectations and demands of this world clashed with my reality. I need freedom from the bean counters, and self improvement people.

Sometimes I think it is the society I live in, American society 2016, where you must always be on top and unsolvable problems mean you are a bad person. Sometimes I think it is me.

  The "bright-sided" stuff went from being a muzzle to ball and chain and a muzzle. There is this bad feeling of feeling like one is being forced underground where you must hide all your problems [emotions or true self] or suffer the consequences. I always fear that relationships where I must start censoring are doomed for failure. Some seem to get angry at anyone who shows too much depression, or fear or pain for their standards. Why is that? That's not me. I feel kind of beaten down by people telling me what is wrong with me. On my end, I'll be careful of not dumping too many problems on individual people but socially I am beyond exhausted. I wish I could be open without someone using it to tell me I am a "bad" person.

Tell me what do you think of what that guy wrote. Do you struggle with wondering what you can talk about with people anymore? Do you feel uncomfortable as an ACON in this world? Maybe I worry about what others think too much. Maybe I don't. Maybe it's time to go hide in a cave or something. Well I will keep blogging at least.

Close to You

This has always been a great song :)

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Double-Message Magazines

Picture seen on Fat Logic

Women's magazine's always had the pictures of chocolate cake and rich desserts next to the diet articles. Is there any wonder that America is schizophrenic when it comes to weight? Look at Dr. Oz's magazine, there are two thin people eating a cake and whipped cream and this is supposed to be a "health" magazine? Sure occasional desserts are okay but this is a guy who lectures people about being "fat" constantly. Giada the very thin oddly shaped chef seems to be gritting her big teeth in inner protest.

It's not wrong to have feelings

picture source

One thing I've been pondering in my mind lately is how I feel like so many emotions have been so repressed in our culture. People are told to shovel their feelings underneath the canopy. This can happen especially in the "Christian" culture where in the churches, they tell you it is wrong to be angry, or sad or full of grief. I always felt like I was a bad person in some religious circles to suffer from depression or to ever be upset at my lot. It's like you were told you always had to be happy and if you weren't that you were a "bad person". It was really horrible at the last phony church I left.

 I'm not interested in becoming a pod person. Leave that for the cults. Let Anna Duggar go on about how her feelings should be shut down for her cult and taking back her pedophile abuser husband who beats prostitutes. Narcissists want people to have no emotions, it gives them more control. Our emotions come out of our consciences and intuition to warn us of things. How many of you ACONS had narcissistic parents that shouted about you were "too sensitive"?

Around the narcissists I wasn't allowed to have emotions either. I was always told to repress them. Sometimes I worry that this has affected my relationships. With the inner circle, I can be open and affectionate but there's alway this constant inner censorship and repression but then I have paid too often for being vulnerable and telling people how I feel. It is a constant battle and now I worry "Can I be me?" or will I just get squashed? The inner voice of "Did I say and do the wrong thing?" seems to never let up. Some of our healing is getting rid of those false voices. A big part of my healing is not wasting time on people I can't be authentic around.

  The narcissists in our society put pressure on people not to have emotions. They have none except anger and glee so they want that evidence of human consciences shut down. Tears unless fake crocodile tears never come to any of their eyes. It's frozen wasteland in there.

Have any of you seen old movies and books? Seen how people used to cry more and be more expressive? Sure some polite rules were even more instilled but I think of the Victorian era and how people would send flowers and write mourning poetry or collect locks of hair. You wonder about our society now, as it grows colder and less emotionless. The iron jawed professional who is cold and steely is honored as the most successful.

I grew up being told I was "sensitive" and that feelings were bad and not to be shown. One was to always be "positive" and "smiling" and never cry. Both of my narcissist parents would slap me hard if they saw any emotion from crying and sadness to even too much enthusiasm and joy. Many ACONS go through this where they are separated from their own emotions. This actually sets us up for more heartache as our emotions are closed off and so our internal warning systems are shut down.

Some of us have to ask, what are our true feelings? Some ACONS may numb out to survive a lot of their pain. Abuse via CPTSD will cause people to numb out and do anything to escape reality. Some take that route via drugs or alcohol. Anything to avoid the hard emotions. I had to deal with some of my emotions head on over these past years. One thing is dealing with a body that is in serious decline, what does this mean? Some of us must cross that barrier of dealing with what life is REALLY LIKE then what we would like it to be. Americans especially are told to focus on possibilities to the point often reality is set on the back shelf.

I don't want to waste time with workaholics and others who support the society that hates being human, and actually believe those stupid articles that to be strong women we have to forgo all emotions and show our confidence. Those are more articles that just want to turn people into narcissists.  I had enough of that with my family. For God's sake, I was an artist most of my life, I am not an accountant or a hard nosed career woman, what do they expect? Getting to know ourselves, we can begin to accept ourselves. It's not wrong to have feelings. I want to be who I am, someone who does have feelings and wants to be able to express them.

It's not wrong to have feelings. People who make us feel "bad" for having emotions, we should avoid like the plague. Some of this goes beyond cultural precepts but is a nation that is growing more narcissistic by the minute. Narcissists in their coldness hate emotions, they hate feelings. They want to separate people form their God given emotions for more control. People who show no vulnerability or no true closeness are who no longer know themselves or even know others. When every social interaction becomes nothing but "business", the human heart is lost.  There's a reason that the message now is never to have emotions, to be closed off, to be a good positive pod person. If you never cry or can feel loss, do you even love? Narcissists don't love.

So if you are crying, or even feeling happy today, it's not wrong to have feelings. Don't let those without any tell you that you shouldn't have any.

Zines the Power of DIY Print

Fighting Off Leg Infection

One trend I notice is when life goes off the rails such as when the lights went out, about a week later I get a leg infection almost like clock work. My immune system gets utterly trashed by stress. I even was in bed until 2pm, yes I know this sounds "lazy", the last two days, but knew I was fighting something off. I get up and do things because I have to, one can't lay in bed all day and a person needs exercise but these leg infections feel like endless "punishment".

This one is still in "fight off" mode, so hoping it just goes away, from sleep and extreme rest, but having to go on antibiotics is no fun. I slept like a zombie for 12 hours and am in bed now, typing this slowly. Years ago these leg infections would take over like wild fire so they aren't as severe in putting me in the hospital, and are less frequent in number due to all my therapies. This is the first one in 7 months, since July but they are extremely draining.. I didn't miss a day of compression or Flexitouch. The other day, I did hurt the knee on less severe leg getting up wrong so was hobbling around on the worse one, which probably added pressure to this other one. I am going to just lay in bed today and rest.

Leg infections are the bane of the existence of those with Lipedema and especially Lipo-lyphedema. I probably have had 60 leg infections or stomach cellulitis infections during the course of my life. Some have been pretty severe. I read somewhere on line there are surgeons who re-route the Lymphatic system to drain more fluids off. Don't know yet if they will do this to Lipedema people but may look into it.  If we ever got some financial security, I would be traveling to see some ultra-specialists in a big metro city about 100 miles away. However right now the medical bills are growing just for the basics.

I went back to my MLD therapist last fall and had a few sessions. She said I needed to replace my bandages more often.. She didn't see me being able to take any more fluid off though some had come back. I was trying as hard as I could but remember I wrap myself and can only get it so tight. Wrapping everyday has worn me out. Sometimes I think to myself, well it's only two infections a year now and less severe ones and not one every 6 weeks but sometimes you want things to work out better you know?

What People are tired of....

Sunday, January 3, 2016

A Little Spat?

Many narcs will act like it's just a little spat and you, you 'bad scapegoat" will come back around once you get "lonely" or realize the error of your ways. Narcissists will never apologize. A few will fake apologies but most won't. They will do "forgive and forget" and expect you to come crawling back to your place in line. Don't think mine doesn't have the snotty attitude that losing my whole family including my nieces and nephews will make me crawl back to kiss her feet. As I wrote recently THEY LEFT ME FIRST. Of course the above too could apply to narcissists who practice silent treatments. This is not the same as a person making the wise choice for no contact. I don't want any narcissists weaseling their way back in. I'm done with that.

Work on Comic Continues


The top panel is from a comic called "Aspie Peep", the second one is a comic of me painting in college.

I spent thirty minutes today putting my 110 comic panels in order. There's still too many holes in the story to be filled.  The story is interesting. It's very outsider art. I'm not sure people will get it but then why not go with it anyhow? It's fun to work on, I need to buy more Bristol board when there is a free dime. There's some details that need added in and other technical issues. I always worry about putting art work out there as you know. I know I have worked on this thing forever. Maybe I will turn it into a "zine".

Sending Birthday Cards to Strangers

It was Mini-Me's birthday yesterday. Should I care? I wonder why I even remember every time an anniversary for a narcissist passes by. Maybe in a few years I won't remember these dates I hope so.

A moment of clarity above from my brother. Mini-Me has nothing to do with him either or as little as possible. My mother and her would play rip Peep and Peep's brother to shred games for years. She has no respect for him either. I am glad he sees through her to a degree, but he always annoyed me with the attitude, "That's just how she is.". Funny how the worse behaviors from the narcissists would get excused why some of us got shunned for life.

I think she was glad I was gone because over almost three years I never got one "What is wrong?" or "Why are you so upset"? She never acted like a real sister.  With No Contact I got more clarity about her. She was never there for me and blocked me out of her life as much as possible. She did as many bad things as my mother. Just her not caring about anyone or anything was so extreme.

Even when I went to visit her house for a week in 2003, staying at a hotel and making myself as trouble-free of a guest as possible, she didn't want me there. She never wrote one real letter, well neither did the other one. Well I long ago stopped sending her birthday cards.

 I found out recently it's a nephews birthday I forgot to send a card for on the 5th.  I haven't seen him since 2010. I'll be making one today. He will be at his mother's house and wouldn't get the card right away anyhow since he lives with my brother's ex wife.

I and the nephew don't really have a relationship either.  This stuff just makes me sad and depressed. I will send him a card but feel annoyed and upset inside. I'm not mad at him.  It's hard to explain. I didn't send the 17 year old nephew a card this year, since he ignored every one he got including the last one with a letter enclosed asking for a email. He too refused a Facebook befriending.

Even the low contact "relationships" bother me.  Sending strangers cards is hard even if they are young strangers. What do you write in the card?  It seems all stilted boringness. There seems to be nothing but loss there, when it comes to any relative. I was forgotten about. The only person who notices I am alive is my brother's girlfriend but even with her, I worry about flying monkeys and digs for information. She comes from a normal family that loves one another, and her parents supported and helped both her and her sister.

 Sometimes I think even the few low contact people hurt me, maybe some without meaning to.  I don't know how to explain this. It feels like I am an invisible ghost these kids get a card from. So far away and for what? I'll send a card to another kid who doesn't even know me and I don't know them. I used to have hope in the future, that some would come around or that things would financially change for us, so I could go and see them more.  I would ask them about their hobbies and what they liked to do and it always ended up short.  None would send me an email. In all these cards, I would enclose an email address, all these kids are on the computer. Of course I feel like a bad aunt without any money to visit.  

The nice niece hasn't written me since my birthday and refused to befriend me on Facebook. That hurt too. Why is EVERYONE controlled? Do teens rebel anymore?  The millennial generation seems to be all into pleasing and obeying their parents. I've never seen anything like it in my life. I wonder what lies were told her, to get her to dump me and have nothing to do with me. We traded emails for a few years. I only told her very little, and didn't want to put her in the middle. Was that a mistake?

Remember I went NC with over two thirds of the family, I know you can't build an actual relationship on birthday cards. I'm sending birthday cards to strangers. Sigh.

Saturday, January 2, 2016


Need to meet other "different" people. It's far easier to find those "alternative" souls online. :)

Call Out the Budgie Army

[picture from Pinterest]

Awake for Thirty Hours

                                      [picture source]
The other day the electricity went off, due to an ice storm and I was awake for thirty hours.

I prayed to God multiple times, "Please don't let the lights go out!" and God ignored me. I haven't figured that one out, the lights went black one hour before the wind died. God seems to ignore a lot of my prayers lately.  I'm tired of feeling I am going to get squashed any second.

I have not renounced the Christian faith, taking the Job approach at this point [Job 13:15] but God is hurting my feelings lately as narcissists get endless blessings. There's meaning in martyrship and sacrifice for the faith but there's also a grinding down, that is meaningless. This just seemed like dumping more trauma on a person for no reason. Please God, the Peep needs a break! My nerves are already shot, they don't need shredded even more! Queen Spider has a giant house generator worth thousands that has given her full electricity for a week. What meaning am I to take from all this?

I had the money to cover one night of a very cheap motel, on me, but knew we had to buy food and gasoline in our car to function, so we decided we wait things out in hope the electricity would go on. I would tough things out, which meant NOT sleeping.

If you think electric company "Life-lines", mean anything DON'T!. Yes, I was on one. What a joke!

They worked on 12,000 people in front of me and got their power back on. I don't think they were all disabled. We called the electric company frantic three times, and they wouldn't give us a date and time. One guy told us it could be Friday  when the power was back on and it was Monday night.

I can't sleep without the CPAP machine, the breathing stops, I feel it, I wake up with my heart racing and severely ill the rare times I have taken my mask off by accident. The symptoms have included night terrors, and worse. So I waited the whole night AWAKE with a candle in the sink of our very pitch black apartment, a lantern whose energy I sought to reserve and winding up a very weak and old "wind-up" flashlight. I would tell my husband, "Go to sleep" but he slept only fitfully and would wake up to check on me over and over. 

During that night, we went out around 11pm to get some heat and light until 2 am. If it had been any colder to where it was housebound temperatures, I fear what would have happened to me. One of these trips I went to the hospital ER waiting room, the only place where we could get some heat and light and not be told to leave. That night was the slowest night of my life. The clock ticked on like sludge.

To be honest this made me wonder if I should live here anymore as there was no friends here or family for that matter, to help. Why are we here? The lack of community here is killing me. Would my acquaintances have helped if they found me on the curb in front of their house with xes over my eyes? I'm not sure.  In my old town there were far more people to call for help. Even my church of the time would have stepped in. Some of our neighbors were going in and out of the complex, and it was like a punch in the gut to hear them speak of going to various relative's houses, "I'm going to my daughters" etc, though one couple said, they went to a motel.

At the hospital, I told them, I have very little money, and could they find a place for us to go, and I was told, I would have to do a full admission into the ER to sleep and there seemed to be some odd nodding towards, we need to see if it is a medical necessity. Huh?  Isn't sleep a necessity? I have been awake for four days before and lets just say at the 4 day mark--this was from the demands of an insane job, night shift and insomnia at the time, hallucinations begin. They can have a fun time with me when that starts.  I saw dark shadows in the corners and after-images when doors closed.  Of course I am at that point thinking a motel room will be cheaper then co-pays for a huge hospital bill. Some of our motels did have power.

When you are poor, emergencies like this, aren't slight troubles to be solved with a credit card or savings, they strip you dry. A rut from hell of poverty that seems to never end. The wrong day and you are especially sitting out on the curb. Figuring out how to eat, survive or put gas in the car is hard.  So I went home knowing I could be awake for 30-48 hours which is not good for someone in my medical condition. I also missed at least one dose of my nebulized lung medicine, McDonalds is so cheap, there wasn't one plug in the bathroom.  The electric company laughably told me to find a shelter. The homeless shelter on the bad side of town is not handicapped accessible and has huge stairs even on the front of the house. They said, "Find a church". Well my old church the pastor was more concerned about collecting tithes for his new truck then anyone having anything to do with each other outside of the place. Most people aren't going to have huge sympathy for a big fat woman who sleeps on a machine. They think it's your fault for being so fat.

So I just sat and waited. What if it had been colder, where I could not breathe outside? If it had been lower then the mid 30s, I probably would have had to check into the ER just to sleep and get taken care of.  It would be time to call an ambulance. I am too medically fragile for this crap. The demands on me were too much like usual. I even cried in pain to do all the packing. Having to pack a nebulizer, tubing, a CPAP where I have to pack the humidifier separately and other medical needs gets crazy.  Once my doctor asked me "Why do you keep all your pills in a big bag?" I said, "So I can quickly leave or have them with me if there is a fire".

Getting sick in extreme cold would happen and not just be a possibility. I told my husband,
"I don't feel safe here anymore." The power in this apartment has gone out so many times, I've lost count, usually the other times were short from 1 hour to 8 hours and nothing like this. Years ago, I almost froze to death in North Carolina, in a blizzard, I was younger and more fit in 1993 though with some health problems like asthma. There we were in a hotel room after a sheriff rescued us from a snow bank. If I had not threatened the idiot I had gone to North Carolina with into getting off the highway, chances are we would have died. All I had to eat for 5 days was a box of Cheezit crackers and some water I brought with. There are vague memories of being so cold, that I was afraid of going to sleep and not waking up in the hotel room with no electricity. It was 10 degrees outside.

 In my old rural town,  in 2002 an ice storm wiped out the entire town, and our thin walled apartment was freezing only 6 hours after the power went out, and one could see their breathe in the air. I had to stay awake then and could not breath from the cold. I went into the car and drove for hours, it was the only warm place until a friend could rescue me. She took us in for three days, fed us and I could use my CPAP and they had heat. The hospital had no power. I was in shock there was no generator there.

If my husband had not been paid the next day for us to get a hotel room, and a friend to help if we needed a third, I would have had to check into a hospital. Sometimes I am angry that disabled and elderly people are left so vulnerable in our country. The idiots and dummies have spent more times inventing play time screens and new TVs then power packs or generators affordable to the normal person. I wonder what people on dialysis do? Since our weather is out of control, more of us are in danger then ever before. Some may say, "Well you need to prepare!" Well I don't have the 600 dollars for a back up battery-powered CPAP, nor the hundreds or thousands of dollars for a generator or power pack.  Prepping is for the rich. Yeah it's dumb to live in infrastructure collapsing America with only electric heat but there was no other choice.

There was one point I told my husband if there is no power by the 31st, let's just pack our old car, with everything necessary, and LEAVE for good. He thought I was joking, but I was serious. I thought this is our sign to "get out". He isn't as spontaneous as me and knows probably within 12 hours I'd be crying for my bed. I told one neighbor out in the parking lot, if the power was off for another day, the deductions from the rent would begin.

I have to talk to my doctor and disability advocate about this stuff and ask "What should I do?".From one doctor, I'm going to ask him to write me standing orders that I am to be admitted into the hospital if there is no power and especially if the temperature is under or over a certain amount when I can't breathe. The whole saga was scary and left me ultra exhausted and even more tense then I was before.  Not sleeping that long made me feel very messed up and 24 hours in, this meant crying and crying. I almost got a leg infection but took to bed and slept for 16 hours the first night at the motel. We hated even burdening the one friend who was going to help us with the third night of a hotel we may have needed. I am glad my husband was there to help me. Why can't they keep the lights on anymore? We have 1930s technology when it comes to the electrical grid. I don't have the mechanical know-how or tools to hook a marine battery to the CPAP.  I think they need to work on the electrical grid first, and sell products that will keep us from freezing to death during storms.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Oprah's New Weight Watchers Commercial

How sad is this? We have watched Oprah hate herself for her weight for years, she has remained at a functional mid-sized weight only to lay on the impossible body standards of society on all of us for years. She has failed time and time again to lose weight. A woman with vast wealth, who can afford her own organic chef and any food or exercise program she desires in the world, can't lose weight and keep it off. So we are all still supposed to believe in the dream? Why? Doesn't this prove that weight loss is a failed proposition and more is going on with obesity in this world?

Hasn't she thought "If not now when?", a thousand times? Isn't the definition of insanity doing what doesn't work over and over.  That false hope sure sells doesn't it? Everyone hits the new year and thinks, "Oh now I can be thin and no longer be fat" and it fails and fails time and time again. It's like the entire country is mentally ill from fat and weight loss is a religion of fantastical doctrines, with no evidence. Of course with notables like Oprah pouring her time and energy into failed organizations as far as solving the obesity problem goes, there will be be less money and energy poured into real research and cures. Why couldn't Oprah finance some real obesity research, instead of the company that profits from the insane misery and "repeat business"?

Technically I have kept off a 160lbs-200lbs from my peak weight, for 16 years, it was a medical weight loss, but because I am still circus lady fat it doesn't "count". Diets never worked for me even beyond my extreme issues with lipedema and yes I have to watch portions and the rest not to gain, to stay alive from diabetes and even for my serious mal-nutrition problems. I consider them like fairy tales, Americans believe in! Illusion and delusion live on when it comes to obesity. Oprah has caused a lot of suffering with her support of the obesity matrix. I suppose now she can profit from it too [see below].

Oprah Buys 10 Percent of Weight Watchers Stock