Housing Issues: Trying to Choose Where to Live Isn't Easy!

If you have any advice, I'm open to it. What have your own experiences with Senior or Disabled housing been? Are you facing a rent crisis or inflation problems in your own area or life?

Has Covid made you more broke? Has the inflation crushed your household? Well as everyone here knows I've written about being poor and low income for a long time. 

The poor and working class are sliding into invisibility. It's kind of scary. I watch these channels about how the lives of many Americans are really going. You won't see these people and places in mainstream media.

Big Super Living in Arizona

Nick Johnson [endless videos about the state of America now, both rural areas and inner cities]

 Yeah while our politicians send billions to Ukraine, this is America today, and while I don't live in Appalachia, a lot of my own state and areas I drive through look like this. People are getting poorer and poorer out there and have become more invisible too. When I watch the news and regular TV, it's like the Hunger Games as everything is marketed to the Capitol people and the rest of us don't even exist. 

A lot of people are broke and struggling. For years, I've always feared homelessness, and worse circumstances from the poverty I faced in Chicago.  We managed to elude it, but it has not been easy. My husband works hard, but he has medical problems too that affect things.

Health wise, you know disability doesn't bring in the cash. My body always gets in the way of getting things done. I had to do a lot [for me] yesterday and could not walk at the end of the day, that's how bad the fluids get. It made getting to the bathroom hell on earth. I was wrapped but my body expands like a giant balloon, one leg wrapping looked ready to explode. More fluids have come off now from machine and rest and I can walk better but you can probably see how this affects the "getting things done" quotient. Medical bills and needs are high. There's a lot of special foods, medical equipment, supplies, and things I have to spend money on that normal people don't. 

We did get a few better years, husband got contract work and there were other circumstances that improved things, we are able to make most bills. I had savings at one time, but we had to use them for a short term lay-off time husband had, but he was doing freelance still during that time. 

The wolf is back at the door after having a few years being spared the bad carb rich food of the food pantries. The food pantries are still awful. We went back to one, one lady was there and said, "We haven't seen you in years!" We replied, "Things got better for a time." Sadly it was the same old hot dogs, bag of stale croutons and rivers of spaghetti. 

Where we live now is getting very expensive. They are gentrifying this place like mad.  We may have to leave. It's bothered me how being poor means often being forced to leave. I wrote about this in the Economic Nomads in the Geography of Nowhere article.

My husband applied for some jobs online, there's two recent ones where if the dice ever rolled my way, we wouldn't have to move, and there would be some stability. Sometimes I wonder if I am idiot to have hopes like this but we have had improved circumstances on the roller coaster. Problem is we are both getting old. I don't know how so many people do achieve the stability they do. He did deserve better. He has job and intellectual skills too. 

There's a feeling of not belonging. Class stuff really does impact ones life quite badly. Now we may have to leave again, but choosing where to go or what to do is very difficult. While I have a few regional friends, sadly most friends are scattered to the four winds or online. I don't have a family as everyone here knows.

Most people live lives where they have some relatives in their life, and feel there are people who have their back. My mother had people there to help her. I was just seen as a "burden". As I got older, it was really glaring seeing how other autistic and disabled people were treated by their families even ones in advanced ages. The other day I was thinking how her family was always there for her, and the opposite was true for me. 

 That's hard when you're old and you have to start over yet again.  You fear choosing wrong. In America now there's a lot of places that are high crime or have other problems. It's scary to leave places you know the lay of the land of. My brain has become a mess of too many maps, the more place you live, the harder it is to remember where everything is. I even get some towns messed up in my memories.                         
As people here now, I regret leaving a town a few places ago, it was my old small town. Going back is too complicated as specialists are all an hour away from that place. We have a car that runs pretty well, but when you have been as poor as me, you don't move away from your medical care. An hour drive away costs money and needing to do so multiple times a month is unaffordable. In my case, there has to be a hospital that is local and a busing system/Dial a Ride. Big cities are more overwhelming to me. 

I like things about where I live now, sometimes it's hard to be the poor person in the sea of affluent people though, it's harder socially, this community did provide some help to the poor. I did enjoy some resources they had here though, from better library, businesses, medical specialists, art center and more. Living here did help me as an artist, because of classes, cultural enrichment and being around people who were successful in creative pursuits. So I see the positive angles of this. Even the UU I just left prior to Covid was a source of intellectual and creative resources. Some folks there remain supportive of my art which is a positive. This town does have the perfect infrastructure in terms of medical needs and resources too. 

My husband wants to stay but the way they are raising the rent, it's insane. For some reason this town really failed when it came to housing for seniors and the disabled. One place is even off the busline. Who planned that? There's no affordable housing here. It seems the message is, "Get out of Dodge, anyone who is not rich!"

It's sad the greedy are destroying America and now our personal lives. We know a huge corporate concern bought out our apartment complex. By the way huge corporate concerns are invading the whole country, raising rent and leaving more people homeless. You won't hear about that in the mainstream news either.

I have several neighbors in my own building who have already been forced out. Some had lived here more than ten years.  I suspect many had to leave the entire town too. The same greed that destroyed our lives with Covid insanity is now destroying our economic lives and communities. 

What is weird about us, is we are always attending to "making money". The other day I tried to sell two antiques, when I find something good out in thrift/garage sale world, sometimes I have something sellable. This included a beaded purse and a 1950s table before. Now I'm trying to sell an old painting and a Victorian era advertisement and picture. The economy is not doing well, so things don't sell as quickly.  The antiques contact wrote me back and said no one was interested. Even ebay slowed down years ago but my husband still sells things on there. 

I did sell art work during my art show. It helped the last few months. I am glad that my paintings will be on the walls of many homes now.  We plan to market more online too. 

We also shop at thrift like normal people shop at the mall. I buy everything but clothes and food new. I would get clothes if they fit, and did buy a few dresses at a thrift store that had bigger clothes for a time. 

It bugs me still how most poor people are judged as all being on drugs and like they did it to themselves. I get tired of that.  I know some personal traits probably attributed to my economic ruin. INFPs like myself make the least money, that didn't surprise me. Whatever personal qualities bought Alex Keaton the cash left me bereft of it. As I have aged, I've tried to make up for all the ADHD and focus on being practical.  

The constant grind of money comes on. All the prices are crushing. Everyone's feeling the burn at the grocery store.

Our rent is paid on time but I've been researching housing and to go on housing lists. I do have a good housing record--I've never been late with rent in my life. 

We are expecting more rent increases here. Most lists are 1-2 years long for the waiting lists, so I'm trying to plan ahead.  This means choosing new cities or towns to move to.  I'm filling out some paperwork this week. We qualify for the over 55 and plus places. It has been a stressful process. The housing in our present area sucks. One place is known as the "bed bug palace", they are doing renovations, but it's awful.  It's also a "tower", see below.

The other place the apartments are super tiny even compared to other subsidized places, and they are off the bus line. There's some places in the inner city area, but many of those are in high crime areas. I hear horror stories about how the elevator breaks down constantly in one sometimes for weeks. 

Some facets I have dealt with.

1. I can't live in a place dependent on an elevator.  Our society is not stable enough to keep elevators running anymore. Trust me on this one. Elevators are an invention of more properly operating times when the power didn't go out every week from the latest "super-storm" or "brown-out". 

I weigh 512lbs as of last week. My bed for the supersized, shouldn't be on anything but a first floor.  Being trapped in an elevator as a normal thin person is different than being a huge person and trapped in one. Even my own building had the elevator shut down for three months, while they worked to refurbish it. I thankfully live on the first floor.

 If the power goes out, I am trapped downstairs if I happened to go out, or I'm trapped upstairs. I never could get out in a fire. It disturbs me they built so many disability buildings as "towers", who came up with that idea, putting a bunch of mobility impaired people in places where they can't even get out? I can do a few stairs not well, but the paralyzed and completely wheelchair bound are in worse straits. 

2. The income cut offs are way too low. I realized with horror even if husband is on full Social Security, we could be over the line at one place. How are we supposed to survive if a spouse is told you can't make more than 13,000 a year?

80% AMI buildings that allow for higher [moderate]  incomes seem rarer than Dodo birds, I found one in an extremely small town and I haven't even found one in my county yet. One place, limited the income to under 30,000 a year but expected you to pay 900 a month for rent. I'm going on lists with the lower income cut offs because husband may have to go on full Social Security but even than I worry we will be told "You're too close!" 

3. The best buildings, that are newer nicer, not towers of inequity all seem to be in very remote rural areas. I don't mind small towns. I consider having us move to a smaller town because I was happier in my old rural small town. There's a few small towns I consider moving to. However there again the medical issue makes itself known. How far away are the doctors? Can I get to them? One place I plan to call and ask if the Dial a Ride system will take you to a hospital in a neighboring town. One place is pretty decent, and was recommended by friends. Some of these details can get complicated. 

I'm happier in smaller places. Big cities stress me out. The traffic, noise and crime are all negatives. I visit a couple smaller towns I like being in.  Sometimes a place can be too small and remote, there's a few things I need but trying to achieve an ideal balance is difficult. My old small town does have a hospital and I thought of just calling it a day and going there, even with the far away specialist problems. Here's two problems, most friends from there are now deceased or left, there's a few people I know left and for some reason the rent there seems to be skyrocketing almost keep apace with this place. 

 Sometimes I think go to a bigger town, but then the resources for the disabled, seniors and more are overstretched. I don't want to be a nobody lost in a sea of people, where its far more impersonal and harder to get to know people. This town I live in now always felt "too big" but was small enough to get to know some people at least. 

4. There's a lot riding on things. I have to be wise and choose the best place I can to survive in as an old disabled woman. My husband is older than me and we are rapidly aging. One asset the present place has is a PACE center for the severely disabled. 

5. I have had friends in subsidized housing and they have told me problems that can come with it. One said "you have to report every little bit you make". So if I made 100 bucks selling a painting, my rent would automatically go up? Some say they do constant "housework inspections". I suck at housework because of my horrible body. The trash is taken out and stuff is bleached and scrubbed at on occasional intervals but the white glove inspectors would go nuts. Last week I did get some crap out of here to give to thrift but it feels like teaspoons out of the ocean. 

My husband says, "We are barely surviving now how are we to survive under those income cut-offs". Also there is the worry lets say you move into subsidized housing but circumstances change for the better? Remember we got a couple "better years" They were working class level but over all of the cut-offs. I have said to husband, "Maybe we can find a cheaper town, but live in private housing". Oh it's confusing. Honestly except for very remote towns, it's like all the landlords got together and decided unless you can pony up 1,000-1200 a month for rent you don't deserve to live.

I watched this video of this man warning about low income housing and what can come with it. He is younger and wants to try advance himself and I hope he succeeds but some of this warnings make sense to me.

6. I am trying to find higher 80% AMI buildings and senior housing with reduced rent. I am going to go on the lists of the places with lower cut-offs because our income by the time I come up on the list, my husband may be on Social Security only anyway with a little supplemental income. One place is pretty decent and at the top of the list.   All of this is complicated but I'm trying to make the best decisions I can.

7. I can't describe to you how it feels to be forced out of another place. I do wish my present town had better Senior and disabled Housing.  It's like going through the death of my small town again. Also being 50 something and lacking roots like this, it really bothers me. I'm the kind of personality who needed a place to belong and feel apart of. I did for a very short time in life. It's all hard to explain. 

8. If something happens to me, I want my husband able to survive which is one reason for the Senior/disabled housing.

What happens in a country where there's no place to call home anymore? It's going to fall apart. It's all in the service of the greedy here. They wonder why some places are a sea of homelessness when the rent's so high. 

Sinead O'Connor Has Died

 Sinead O'Connor Has Died.

They have not released the cause of death yet.

Just 18 months ago she lost her son, Shane to suicide.

She was one of my favorite singers if not the favorite.  She suffered in this world for speaking truths including when she exposed the Pope and Vatican online.

My articles and shared videos on Sinead O'Connor. 

Let the Convent Take Care of You!

 

Here is another writing I did for writer's group. One can see the Catholicism of my youth in a lot of my writing.  Sometimes I have worried I erred in religion, always being the seeker and shopping at the "religious shopping mall". I told my husband, "You know how some people are commitment-phobes in relationships, that's me and churches and religion." It's a horrible trait or fault that's complicated my life. 

 Some may say "Oh that's a positive, you want to know the truth!" which honestly is what messed up my life in religion. That said, That means losing out on a community. I was talking to him about my good IFB church, saying to him, "We should have never moved, it led to my problems in faith". That church closed anyway. The people of simple faith who do stick to one place and don't wonder around seem to be a lot happier. I thought about leaving my Unitarian Universalist congregation for more than two years. Covid started it but I already knew they were supporting things I really didn't. 

Catholicism wouldn't have worked, I read too much Bible, was horribly bored by the repetitive mass though I can see how some derive comfort in the sameness. My mind hasn't changed on the Vatican being a cracked puzzle palace oppressing the world.  The Pope pushed the clot shots big time! This doesn't mean, I don't see some good things in the religion of my past. My soft spot for some Catholics, nuns, convents and monasteries remains. For some, an alternative life does bring good things, and some of them do really serve and help others. I do wonder if one is loved by their family if they remain in the religion they are raised in, my hellish home had me looking out of the window for something else. Some Catholics do deeply believe and seek after God. My family really used Catholicism as a window-covering not really caring about spiritual things. 

Let the Convent Take Care of You!

I could have been a nun but I needed love first. I wasn't neat and tidy enough to arrange flowers and candles on the altar and endlessly sweep industrial kitchen floors.  My father said "Let the convent take care of you!" He didn't want the job.

 Rebellion ruled my heart where no priest would have ever let me in the convent door. Normal 12 year olds didn't read Ingersoll. The nuns would confiscate my Addams family cartoon books where I dreamed of being Wednesday. My pink plastic rosary beads had been ripped from the string. 

 Saint Anne's with its green linoleum floors were polished to a sheen and there were beige tiles on the walls I counted from the punishment corner of the cloak room. A bleeding statue of Saint Sebastian with his many arrows guarded the halls outside. 

Our black dressed sisters with clacking rosaries timing the cadence of their walk, the forever good girls, the penguins, were there to turn us into productive life-long Catholics. The fires of hell were a useful tool to keep rocks in the bully's pockets and girls like me from skipping class to hang out in the woods. Jake Blues mouthed back but for us it was rare. Flashing rulers were for the past but there were plenty of erasers to be cleaned.

 We all gossiped about how the Sisters of Perpetual Mercy from Cleveland Ohio all had their heads shaved to a smooth cueball under their habits. Tears would fall right after they took their vows. No hairbrushes and make up in their cells.  Did you know they wore white wedding dresses to marry God with ring included?

 They taught us boys were dangerous and sex was so bad, Maria Goretti was now gloried in heaven for fighting it off. Virgins were the shining stars. At puberty, us girls were ushered into the convent basement secretly, with its desolate piano and metal folding chairs. The lights were turned off for a movie to teach us about our troubled futures, God's monthly punishment for Eve's sin.

 In those days right before the Moral Majority, the Reagan Revolution and Jim Bakker bought his first air conditioned dog house, we knitted God's Eyes with multicolored yarn weaving it in and out among the crossed popsicle sticks. I imagined that these lined up eyes stared down at me from above the chalkboard.

 Sister Abigail, the happy nun with golden guitar and red tortoiseshell embellishments herded children with ease. For her, those idealistic Vatican 2 days never died. God was love among the notes. Her faith came easy never to be tinkered with. I was a heretic by 10.

 Sister Christy spoke of the apocalypse, the seer at Fatima warned Russia would end the world. Pope John Paul II with the Fatima secret locked up tight in a metal box foretold a dark future. She'd tell us we must all prepare. Bernadette on film left her old stone house running to caves, begging people to believe her visions. We made pink roses in May tied with string out of Kleenex and sprinkled them among light blue dress plaster Mary with arms open wide. The end of the world may not be your end with the Virgin's protection.

 Sister Teresa loved softball, food pantries, kitchens, collecting money for the poor and favored the boys. She reminded us, you could be starving children in Appalachia with no running water. A fountain of soup from split pea to bean chili poured from her pots during Lent.

 Us kids would be taken to far flung convents and monasteries for "retreats" introduced to lives of order and silence, sitting in the woods on stone benches, religious readings, personality tests and discussions of our future vocations. Dreams of lives of promises and hope and quiet solitude for those too young to know the pains and bills of modern life.

There were Masses to be attended, Seven Sacraments to memorized, Steps of the Station of the Cross to be walked with Veronica wiping Jesus's face with her veil. These places included The Shrine of Mother Seton, the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, endless churches with high ceilings to be gawked at with painted angels making us always look up. The sisters would tell us to keep our eyes averted in prayer. 

 

Fat People are Hard to Kidnap!

A Peep from 2002, front page of comic dairy sketchbook. 

I'm going to share some writing here, the stuff I may try to publish will remain private for now.  I wrote this recently for my writer's group. 

Fat People Are Hard to Kidnap!

They won’t be able to lift me up, I’m too heavy!

 Fat, plump, big boned, fluffy, corpulent, fatso, huge, supersized, infinity-sized.

  You are your own planet with billowing tons of flesh pouring out of its cup to claim you against your will.

 Fat people are impossible to pick up. 

 Calories in and out supposedly control it all but bodies don’t run like cars no matter what the Weight Watchers point system says.

 Why doesn’t the diet magic happen for us all among all the diminishing nearly thin people. No one believes you used to weigh 200lbs more.

 Stephen King called huge people monstrous. The Witch who said Fatter instead of Thinner unloaded her curse with a bony finger. A puff of smoke and 30lbs a month poured in.  The deliverance minister said Satan sent you your body. Your soft arms hug your husband tight, why is round always bad?

The doctors want to experiment, cut, slice dice and throw your stomach away even though food tastes like cardboard and you haven’t eaten a fish, a potato or a hamburger in more than 10 years. You refused Phen-Fen not wanting to be a lab rat, the acupuncture failed too.  Tell the 90lb medical student who graduated last in the class, it’s L. I. P. E. D. E. M. A. not Lymphedema though that comes to the party too. Their blank eyed stare condemns you with visions of those inhaling whole pizzas on My 600lb Life.

A body full of oceans operates different. Who grows old at this size? Make sure you prove them wrong. 

 

 Metabolism a word they forgot long ago.  Lumbering side to side every movement seems to take 20 thoughts but you’re “lazy” not to move more.

Fat is always 57 even when you’re 29!

   

Shave your “beautiful” face that very old women always praised in your youth asking why don’t you force your body to match it?

 The fat boy in Matilda hated that chocolate cake and Mrs. Trunchbull was 50lbs away from putting the shot putt away for good.

  Augustus Gloop wants revenge for chemical farming GMOs and high fructose corn syrup. Factory Farms and Glyphosate sends his blood pressure soaring. Willy Wonky was a skinny penny pinching crack dealer and coke head preaching abstinence at the factory. There's no real gardens among the sickly sweet lollipops.

 National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance or N.A.A.F.A. showed the way out of diet hell but Health at Any Size ignored the obvious. Supersized People don’t run marathons. No one asked why so many grew so fat no matter what they did. They ate bacon and eggs in the 50s, and lived life, their bodies not betraying. 

 Eyes cross from hunger, lunch is 4 hours away.

 Thin Jane in tight yoga pants ate her apple that morning she feels fine, intermittent fasting brings her self pride. It brings you the floor and funny colors in your vision. You drink the glass of water to smother hunger pain but it never works.

You eat lunch they desire you feel guilt with every bite. Boiled cabbage and eat tofu but look like you did other things. 

A rare fat foodie rejecting GMOs, you desire the wild sour dough bread and the seitan made with parsnips. Jars of wheat germ, hummus, and mushrooms of every sort populate your food imagination. The clown with red shoes brings disgust.

Wear your ruby lips and poufy hair to ring your wide round face, short heeled shoes and be vivacious or else.

 Whitney Thores dancing as fast as she can. Chris Farley fell through the jolly trap. He didn’t want to be the class comedian anymore. There’s too many fat people to give the acting job to one in a fat suit!

 Wear hot pink like fat activist Marilyn Wann, screaming fat is healthy when you want to wear black, and walk for miles instead. No one chooses this. 

 A thin woman in Japan on Youtube eats crisps, fried chicken, curries, burdock root, udon noodles, bonito flakes, tofu, a sweet every afternoon with milk tea, and never gains weight. Obesity is a disease of lack not abundance. America grows fatter year by year while starving for real food.

 

The Roulette wheel broke in the matrix and spun onto circus fat lady. Thin women in slacks with legs crossed drink coffee nimbly eating a piece of pie. The spigot filled up the lower body like a giant balloon ready to burst.

Peter Griffin goes on many adventures, but fat people don’t fit in kayaks.

 You can’t stop living for thin tomorrows knowing the fat reality is what you have.

Whose bright idea was it to swell humans up so it would be hard for them to walk? Does God listen to the prayers of fat women? Preacher told the church on the day you missed the revival, Gluttons don’t see heaven, they’ll be burning with the adulterers. That huge woman has the door of heaven closed for good! There's no barbecue in hell!.

Everyone loves a jolly fat woman arms brimming with cakes and children and Mother Earth nurturing, not a childless serious poet who wanted a body to match her art and books. A hyperlexia brain in a cumbersome box. The Gnostics were right to see the body as a prison, spirit imprisoned in flesh.

 

Tom MacDonald: "The System"

 Youtube won't let me share some videos on here, or maybe it's Google. Here's the original video. I couldn't embed it.  The video is the same song with the lyrics from it. Tom MacDonald is a controversial rapper. I wish he avoided the tattoos, giant eyeballs in the sky and weird contacts, but I like his raps. He is a rarity in questioning the NWO, Covid, and other issues I talk about on this board. People who question the system are rare. Some may say he's a shill too, but for now I'm going with the music and the lyrics. This song really hit home, because I think about life on this planet and how we are all set up for a system that doesn't work for us. Many of us ask those questions why is humanity so controlled by an evil few and why are people suppressed into lives of despair? The prison planet people ask a few of these questions and of course these are things that have been examined in different religions and modes of spirituality. The system is becoming more oppressive. People have lost communities, identity and purpose. We are being set up to be even more cogs in the wheel. Be aware, some "woke" liberal friends will really really hate this guy. He's right they are using race, and everything else they can to divide people. "Divide and conquer" and tons of indoctrination to serve the "system". Human misery is growing. They have used materalism to destract and control. Well go ahead and watch the video, and tell me what you think of his message. Mr. Peep does not like Tom MacDonald and says he is "too alt-right". Most of his fan base is on the right, maybe us politically homeless too, but I think he has a lot of important stuff to say. 

9 Common Regrets of Older People

  I'm in one of those weird modes lately, "What am I going to do with my life?" I do plan to get more art work done and to try and publish some poems.

 You know I'm one of those people who gets in "life reset" mode. I'm in one now. Well I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It was good when I decided to leave Chicago, some good years and survival came. Life right now isn't working for me. It's time to make changes.

I watched this video because I feel a lot of regrets lately.  There's things I'm glad for like my husband and the art show there's things I want to change.

My goals now include 1. Find decent senior/disabled building for us to retire. We need place we can survive better in.  2. Complete art illustration project. 3. Complete Fat Pat. [yeah I know it's taking too long] 4. Clean out this apartment. 5. Try to stay alive from giant kidney stone [see below] 6. Try publishing some poems. 7. Finish paperwork for hearing aids, glasses and obtainment of those items. 8. Enter a PACE program for the elderly disabled, I can get access to medical care, services and exercise/social programs.  9. Join Senior Center of whatever town I end up in/or while here to do programs. We are eligible soon. 10. See functional doctor [end of August] to find help to return to normal life and stuff Covid messed up. 11. Maintain present friendships. 12. Help husband in finding another kind of more stress free lifestyle--he's very near disabled himself. 13. Financial Survival  I will post on this more. 14. Finish up my garden at the church I just left for the season, and hope for a few cucumbers and tomatoes. 15. Find counselor or counselor program to deal with Covid-related "germphobia" and problems related to past PTSD and OCD. I joked one reason I and husband never got COVID is the miracle of OCD. 

The weight thing is still bad, maybe one giant regret I have is failure to lose weight. I never expected to make it this long in life since I peaked at 700lbs in my late 20s. Most people my size are long ago dead. I do think Lipedema changes the longevity thing. There are people who are in shock that I am still alive, maybe even some doctors. Now I don't want to throw a party saying "Oh I made it!" I found out I have a bad kidney stone, I'm not sure what they plan to do with it yet. The too much calcium in my urine thing is causing bad problems. Maybe it's uric acid and I can melt it with drugs. I don't know what the Urologist is going to do. 

Now Lipedema can kill you very young. I almost died in my 20s and 30s of the constant infections. There's been no leg infection now for over a year and a half, that takes a lot of hours a day for me to keep them away.  I extended my life with all the leg treatments on Flexitouch and wrappings. Many of my online friends with Lipedema at my stage of the illness died very young, their 30s-50s. One friend lived until her 60s but had been completely bedbound for years. I have a lot of sadness over what happened to these friends that is hard to explain. 

Everyone my size has regrets they never were able to lose weight. The weight thing does scare the hell out of me often. I was 512lbs a few days ago. My food was very reduced from our present food insecurity, I didn't miss meals, but the content was different. Like usual, nothing comes off. One lb is at least some stability but I never will get this for the rest of my life. Nothing makes sense. My diet due to kidney fears got more and more restricted. I haven't eaten a hamburger, a pork chop, ribs, pot roast, pork roast, in eight years. All sugar had to be removed to destroy constant bouts of thrush long ago. The only "sweet" thing I've eaten all year is a total of 3 Clio Yogurt bars, 9 grams of sugar on 3 different occasions. I haven't had a piece of cake, pie, or cookies in multiple years. People who eat like me are not maintaining this much weight. I may attempt to cut more carbs, but often life is a game of "What can I eat?" and that list is getting smaller and narrower. I have full hunger pain before every meal. So what else can a person do?

So one big regret for me in life is having a body like this. Lets be frank, it did scare people away and turned my life into a hellzone. It's been years of disrespect and being seen as a freak. It gave abusers a place to abuse me anymore. I never was like other people. Yes, I have often thought what my life could have been without such a shitty body. So that's one. No fat person thinks it's great to be fat contrary to thin people who judge us as it being a "choice". 

I found this regret list interesting so lets look at them:

1. "Caring Too Much What People Think". All of us ACONS end up in that fawn zone, so been there done that, but I'm one of those personalities that can piss off others easily by following my own drummer. Maybe I would still have a happy life even in my UU if I lined up like everyone else. That's not me. Some people would be outraged that I am this way while others see it as a positive. Maybe I am crazy to step out so much, but I never was an NPC that followed the crowd. If I really cared what people thought, I'd still be fawning next to a bunch of narcissists.

2. "Not Following Their Passion in Life". I love art. I paid a price for it previously in life. Sometimes it's insane to me how much grief I got just for wanting to be a damn art teacher.  I was good at it, during the short time I got to do it. When young, despite bad health I was energetic. One counselor told me, I went a lot further then people as autistic as me go, but if you like something enough, it can float you up a bit. I did follow the art thing and still do. Right now I have to figure out how to get more art supplies. The illustration project has 20 panels. So wonder I've taken a while on it. There are older people who told me, they regretted not trying to write, or do art, or other pursuits they wanted to do. Maybe some avoided being a starving artist, and were able to make decent livings, but some did share regrets with me. 

3. "Working Too Much". I did when young, those 60-80 hour weeks weren't good for my health. I know why I did it. Of course being disabled this long, I'm not on the work roster. Many people do fall into the work until they drop trap especially now as making a living is so hard.

4. "Not Saying How They Truly Feel" My husband addressed something with me the other day. I was crying because I felt disrespected on a Zoom group. He said, "You need to push back a little. Don't let them walk over you." There was a lot of times in life I was too quiet. I have regrets now about being too silent to narcissists and others who steam rolled over me. I may be making some thoughts known to certain people. 

Yesterday, I felt disrespected, and I did push back in a group. I don't regret it. I may leave this group, it's a chronic pain group, but someone told me the person I stood up to, seemed apologetic.  They really push "toxic positivity" there, and yesterday I wrote the group leader and said, "That toxic positivity harms disabled people" and I said in the email "What is the use of a pain group if you can't talk about the pain?" What is weird, is I was talking about housing issues, and this other guy was in on the conversation just getting started to tell me what he went through to get housing, and of course one of the "be positive/smile or die" types tries to shut down the conversation.  Sometimes I wonder if she had training or something to tell all us "woe-be-gone disabled and chronic pain patients" to always suppress their emotions and shut down any real discussion. This is something that is being instilled in society as a whole, to go along with the AI/globalist take over. I have to think about this issue a bit deeper but am noticing some "changes" in how it seems many official groups want people to communicate that worries me a bit.

With the UUs, I should have just told them the shots sucked from day one, and I hated the Covid BS instead of just "hiding out" because I felt like all us unvaxxed were going to be dragged off to camps. I said a few things but was treated like I was "crazy" and invalidated so that really is one reason my separation came there. Sometimes I was way too nice. I should have stood up for myself more. 

One thing I am facing in life, is my appearance is a bit shocking, I'm getting old. I wish I had money to get my hair fixed, and get some issues addressed. Maybe I can figure a few things out, but I need new hair, and I'll start with that.

I need to break in some new Birkenstocks so I have the "crummy" shoe problem fixed soon, but I'm not looking normal. Hormonally, my testosterone seems very high, and I've asked a few doctors to test it and they won't and I don't know why. When I was forced off my androgen blocker, some years back, my looks did change. I look very masculine in the face that I have to shave. My voice is having problems, like my vocal cords feel worn out, and voice is hoarse, and is weak and wavery. My deafness is impacting it. Because my hearing is so bad, to communicate with anyone takes much more brain processing so I "appear slow" and I think this is causing some social problems that already were hard enough with the autism. Empathy is lowering in people as a whole and no one wants to deal with a "slow", deaf old lady!

 On Zooms, I'm having to read, process--some words are missed on the captioning and try and keep up and well, sometimes that's hard. The hearing issues are BAD. It did increase the isolation to the max.  My hearing got so bad and this brings me grief, I can't hear my husband anymore. So I have to get out transcribers to even have conversations in my own home.

 To visit with people I have to sit right next to them, use the transcribe phone, and hope I get most of what they are saying. This is far more tiring than your classic listen by ears communication experience. Sadly if you display any form of weakness in American society, you can get steam rollered. Ive had positive outcomes standing up for myself more, but it always feels scary to do and sometimes when you do it, you see no future in a certain group, or with a certain person or situation. 

Which takes us to #5

5. Not Standing Up for Ourselves Enough. Probably every ACON on earth feels that to a degree. Why didn't I tell monster Mommy off at 18 and then get out for good? Oh we all think it. There's work I have to do, to avoid being a doormat. There's things I'm learning in my 50s, probably most learned in their teens, to achieve some social standing and bearings. Social status really does float the boat of this world and if you're low on it, it's even more imperative you learn to stand up for yourself and fight for your interests. 

6. Not Believing in Yourself Enough This one is important. I always believed in myself as an artist, so had that going for me, but there were other life areas, this applied to. Narcissistic parents destroy that inner courage and confidence, and some of us spend years building it back. Sometimes I fear what my fate would have been without a more discernable talent. I really do. We all must believe in ourselves. Even with the Covid stuff, the pressures on all of us who saw through the psychopathic bullshit tested this one to the extreme ends. We all had to believe in ourselves to say "You aren't going to do that to me!" This is where you need to develop balls of iron in a world that wants to crush you. This is a muscle that develops if you use it. Some people have told me they think I have a strong will, I don't know, but you don't want to be someone who doubts yourself too much in this world.

7. Not Taking Better Care of Yourself.  All young people need to be taught self care. Sadly many are told you are young, you can work yourself into a heap and that I think sets many up for failure. It did me. My family had a nasty attitude where I wasn't supposed to get or have food, or sleep like everyone else. It was the surest way to a destroyed metabolism and mental health problems for life. If I could go back in time, I would have quit some jobs, even homelessness in one situation with social work help would have been a better outcome. I was talking about this the other day where I was in the town I lived in where I went to college and worked a few years.  I tried to go to the social workers, my anxiety disorders were at their peak and I was not functioning well at all [my first no contact btw]. My desire was to get help and I got turned down. Too many people slide through the cracks. The agency that turned me away still exists in that town.

 Here we need to know proper eating and more. Forcing a 20 something to live on nothing but ramen, because they have no money is setting them up for future health problems and obesity. In other countries, they feed the children far better lunch foods and stress nutrition much more highly. The access to healthy food is higher. I will write on that more too. America treats 20 somethings like crap, and that needs changed. 20 something year old people deserve decent money, food and lives. I hope Gen Z learns to stand up for themselves, they are a generation that really needs to. 

8. Not Taking More Risks. There are things I do think I took risks on and other things I did not. Many people can be caught with their nose to the grindstone afraid to make a move, because what if things get worse? I was more the personality if things had gone to shit, it was time to get out. LOL I guess that's my mode of thinking lately. There's risk in putting yourself out there in any writing and artistic ventures. Many people get caught at that point where they don't feel it is safe to put themselves out there, due to past traumas and disappointments. This one I feel wasn't as much of a problem for me. 

This list was interesting to examine with my own life. See how your life compares and write in comments. Do you feel these are common regrets? Do you feel some of these regrets? Tell me what you think.

    

Why Have You Lost Faith in Me?

 

I don't agree with all of this cartoonist's politics, but he's got the Covid thing down! I live in a vaxx zombie area, but some people live in area's where people ask more questions. Even now I remain in shock, that the "Died Suddenly" news hasn't hit the mainstream. For the rest of my life, I will never accept or understand why people embraced it being okay to take a "vaccine" of any sort that could immediately kill you. The quality control was very low. Public health in the USA is a monster. I'll never trust it. Even now I remain in limbo, not even knowing the risks, trying to figure things out. We would have been better off if they didn't even exist.

Gates and Fauci are psychopathic monsters in my opinion. Why should any of us have faith in them. I talk to one friend about this matter, we have said the news will never get out among the "normies", they will just keep dying and getting sick and blaming it on natural things. I told her one day, making it to 70 will be the exception as those spike proteins do their thing, the lifespans will drop to the 40s and 50s. Just look at what has been normalized already. 

 The "truther" community always claims there's going to be a "Come to Jesus" moment and that the public will wake up to the horrors of what these vaxxes have done and the gain of function people and start demanding Nuremburg trials and justice. I'd love to see both Gates and Fauci on trial. However as time passes, I've lost hope of that ever happening. Stockholm Syndrome with accompanying obedience to the worse is the norm, and it seems like the dam would have burst by now. Most are too afraid even if they have suspicions to voice them. I know people like that where I can tell they know "bullshit's afoot" but they aren't going to talk about it except with the closest people in the privacy of their home.

Leaving Another Church: My Departure from the Unitarian Universalist Church

I've decided to leave the Unitarian Universalist church. I've stopped going to all services a month ago. I'm going to finish out my garden on the property in a garden box  [that will be done in Sept or early Oct], and then I'll be completely done. Walking on eggshells for three years got really rough. Covid destroyed things for me too. I wrote one understanding and kind member this: 

"The Covid thing is too huge to me, with medical freedom and the future they want for us with constant gene altering mRNA shots and more. I also don't agree with the woke stuff or trans. Even my religious beliefs probably have moved out of UUism, still believe in God and teachings of Jesus though I am not going to return to the evangelical world". 

The sad thing is my religious beliefs don't really fit anywhere. Things are very complex. 

The "woke" politics were too much even a few years ago. The UU has come to resemble a political action committee interested only in corporate approved "identity politics" than an actual religion anymore. One of my recent poems, has the line, "The woke don't care about the broke". The mainstream liberal politics nauseate me more and more. They are all corporate directed, and the wealthy transexuals with tens of thousands of dollars to toss away on dysfunctional body modification seem to be the only people that matter anymore.

No one cares about the poor and working class people sinking under the waves. Transgender surgeries harm even adults. Pushing this stuff on kids is criminal. Woke is the epitome of the powers that be pushing "identity politics" above everything else as they bring in tyranny and crush us all into oblivion. "Woke" is indeed fascist.  How is the church of wokedom going to work for me? It's not.

I could talk to a few friendly souls there, but I had little in common anymore with most of my congregation. There were very positive memories there too so that is to be taken into account. I tried talking things out but just grew most alone around most. You know how that goes where you are afraid to be yourself. 

One thing that kept me in the fellowship, was they were very interactive, and allowed discussions and lay services.  I won't be returning to any churches, because sitting there being spoon fed is never going to do it again for me. My husband was very happy with that part of things. It is extremely rare in churches. 

Most did not relate to how Covid destroyed my life either. There really was no relating. If anything, this is where a huge degree of toxic positivity really came to fruition. Many church members focused on "having gratitude", which honestly that grew old after a while because it just seemed like more spiritual bypassing I learned while in fundamentalism, to dampen down any emotions and put a fake smile on your face. Many of these folks meant well, I even wondered how much harm these teachings had on them, but it was something that worried me. There was the unwritten rule to "never talk about the bad stuff."

If these people never share their problems with me, and everything is always about saving face and looking good. Why even be there?  Add to that the constant theme of claiming I've fallen down rabbit holes from social media because Pfizer seems to be a god to them. This invalidation took a toll too.

Toxic Positivity-Why It's Harmful and What to Say Instead

 I talked in the past about how my evangelical and fundamentalist churches practiced toxic positivity, telling those who "complained" they were muttering against the Lord and didn't have enough faith to "trust in God", the UU followed the "gratitude" gospel.  There were social rules in the congregation that you never complain about anything especially among the women. This didn't apply to all, but I would say most. I talked about art and intellectual things with them for years, and wanted the whole experience to be positive. After all I was happy there. There was no need to bring up  much "bad stuff". But I noticed after Covid, I was very much alone. There was no going below the surface. There were times I told my husband, "I feel like I'm around coworkers where everyone is jostling for position and trying to show their best sides always. The room can be on fire but we are expected to smile and say everything is going great"

 As I expressed grief over things there was no understanding. Many folks there were very nice people, they treated me better than other churches even. However most are very wealthy and were taking constant vacations even overseas during Covid. Here I was, shaking with fear, afraid to even eat in a restaurant and people were flying overseas to see the world. My household was falling into the inflation abyss. No one cared or related. I did try to open dialogue, but there was always a shut door in my face and I gave up. 

My views about Covid did separate me from the congregation to the max. When you are afraid to share your views, it means something that is not good. I quizzed the few people in the congregation that knew some of my views, they are still lining up for boosters now in 2023!  What number are they on 6 or 7? I lost track and really don't know. I felt grief over what I expected to happen to them. Many did become sick or got new health problems.

The very few I told, all had the same reaction, they disagreed but there was always an invalidation there, "You don't believe the "Science TM", "You've gone done rabbit holes!" No, I watched friends get sick from the Covid vaccine directly and read Pubmed. Arguing just didn't go anywhere. 

Many of the people were very kind, they even made me a garden box but as my world narrowed and I grew more isolated,  I was not in the right place. I was self-censoring within the church as early as 2021 to be "safe" and that's really when things ended as everyone jumped on the bandwagon I rejected. Things got weird when people were banning the unvaxxed from private parties in the church. I still remain in horror at what became "acceptable". I hope for the best for many in the congregation and will see probably see a few at community events until I am able to move but this will remain a life-long disappointment.

UU is going down globalist evil transhumanist, no more western civilization or freedom highway. I just can't follow. Leftist kleptocracy sucks. I went back into the UU after deconstructing after 15 years of Christian fundamentalism. My religious history is more complicated than most. The fifth principle UUs have warned about the "institutional capture" where they just removed "freedom of conscience" from the articles. These developments have influenced my desire to leave.

Things got weird, this is a T-shirt sold by the UUA that claims "Abortion is a blessing". Some of the Fifth Principle UUs online were rightly outraged. Even if you are in the "safe, rare and legal" camp, moving so far to call abortion a blessing, is pretty sick. Of course I get frustrated with the fact most abortions are done under economic duress, where the woman in question can't afford to take care of a baby or will lose schooling, job or even family support. You never see right or left talk about that. Calling abortions blessings smacks of Moloch crap.   Like they are going to turn it into a "sacrament" or something. I did see these women online having an "abortion" party where one made her friend an "abortion cake", and drew a baby being thrown into a trash can on the cake. That was sick!

Is this sick or what? Even the statement "trans is divine" is disturbing as well. 

It's sad to leave a church. This is the second time I have left the UU, I spent 20 adult years in UU churches including being married in one. I even became estranged from relatives for leaving the Catholic church and becoming UU at the age of 18. Sadly some of the reasons, I am leaving again, are the same ones that took me out in 2000, besides moving to an area with no UU churches at that time.  Class differences were a worry of mine even heading back in. 

With church in general, I'm done. The "dones" supposedly are a growing class of people. People probably are getting sick of controlling preachers, churches that prop up the oppressive system and all the group think. 

Maybe I'll be inside one for a community event or class, but after leaving the UU, I'm done with churches in general. My first IFB [independent fundamentalist baptist] church I was in, was a working class church. Being still eager and younger the experience felt much different. We had a goodbye party when we had to move away. The pastor was young and was a rare 'sincere' man. The rest of evangelical preachers I encountered were all oily used car salesmen. Church may be too difficult for autistics anyhow, with the constant social demands and masking. Covid complicated things so much for me, that's when things started to fall apart. 

My early years [4-5 years] in the UU church were happy, the intellectual explorations, the discussions, and more were interesting. Many of the people were engaging, intelligent, friendly and dedicated to making the world a better place. My husband played music, I shared art and developed a role as a church artist. I want to keep those good memories. It became a different place later. It just wasn't the same.

Covid changed people and you all know what I believe about the vaxxes changing people. It was a whole other world. People became very closed down. Emotionally they were flat. It weirded me out. Politics changed too and became more insane. One was expected to choose a team and follow everything on the team roster without question. One could have a few differing opinions even in those days.  I will remain in shock forever how not one other person in my UU church questioned anything. It will disturb me for the rest of my life. Why wasn't anyone else seeing the destruction of our lives, health and country?  Why did I have to be the only one?               

 I may be too independent minded to do church right. I couldn't conform right as a "fundamentalist" was against Dominionism and I didn't conform enough for the Unitarian Universalists who expected to me to sign off on a check list as involved as the fundamentalists especially near the end. 

Reminds me of my family, I was made to paid dearly for leaving the Catholic church.  Sadly there's many negative things about churches in general, where there seem to be many commonalities at least to the dark side of church. 

Finding community at church can be a challenge. I had some in my first church, maybe that place was rare, or I was young and idealistic, well it was more working class. I just get told I suck for not conforming enough in all the last ones, UU included. I was deemed "evil" and Satan's daughter for walking out of the last IFB, now I'm "evil" for questioning a few things and not being the "right kind" of liberal. People stopped talking to me for my opinions in the fundamentalist church--I didn't like Trump. I've already had "light ostracization" with the UUs, a few I dared to open my mouth to, for some time. Walking on eggshells doesn't even describe it. 

Church from conservative to liberal seems like a place mostly for high status people to show off. I noticed that, how the wealthiest families were always held up as the "best examples", the bragging about extensive vacations at the UU grew really old for me. I was hiding away due to bad lungs--social life cratering, and they were bragging about their weeks spent traveling through Europe, Eygpt and other far flung places. This was true in the evangelical church. A very wealthy Quiverful family dominated my second IFB. [fundamentalist church]. All the parties and gatherings at that church were for their various weddings, baby and wedding showers. 

Church costs money. Don't have money, no reason to be there. As inflation has skyrocketed, I can't even afford the reduced pledges of the UU. There's a reason you don't see poor or broke people at churches except maybe some very remote tiny churches/homechurches in the holler.  The evangelical ones always expected the giant cut of 10 percent, I never could afford. So I never was an "official member"  of my Christian churches. Jesus talked about help for the widows and poor but with most evangelical churches, it was pay up!. The UUs were far more reasonable but even there, it's sad when you can't afford church anymore. 

Don't waste time trying to make close friends at church. A few people were friendly to me at the UU and there's a few I will keep as friends, but overall, the friendships in both the Christian churches and UU didn't seem to go very deep. Religion demands so much perfection, one thing I have noticed in churches is people never share any vulnerabilities or foibles. Spiritual perfection and close friendships seem to be at opposite ends. There are a few I was more friendly with, this did not apply to and plan to keep contact with. I had a few friends in evangelical churches but there was always the danger of becoming a "project friend" and as a disabled person, there's always that "Have faith and be healed" edge to things.

The pressures for projects, lectures and church work, I couldn't keep up with it. The same went for Christian churches who thought someone on disability had the time to be doing constant volunteer work.

I went into churches looking for connection, I did find some great people here and there. I had far more community in an anti-war group I was in years ago then I ever did at any church. I'm  not sure why that is. 

Church is about social conformity. I didn't match good enough as a fundamentalist, rebuked for war protesting, for being against Dominionism, and not voting for GWBush. I didn't match good enough for the UUs, "wrong kind of liberal", not with the program, medical freedom beliefs, not "woke" enough. Things really changed a few years ago quite abruptly, I feel like some differences were allowed in the earlier years but that ceased to be. Covid of course was a massive dividing line. 

The UUs treated me better being disabled, I will give them that, but most disabled people in churches it's a hellzone, you don't have enough faith to be healed, "you did something wrong". Everyone comes at you for advice for your messed up body. Some UUs did give me the "toxic positivity" spiels. Churches in general seem to practice spiritual bypassing, suppression of any negative emotions and "toxic positivity". Talking about anything even slightly negative was not allowed at my UU. This worsened post-Covid, as it seemed everyone seem more intent on proving how resilient they all were, then being real about anything. I focused on art and intellectual stuff for years after all it was a positive place for me, what was there to bitch about back then? Things remained at a superficial level for a reason.

The fundamentalists at my poorer working class church were more open but the rule at Calvary Chapel and my second IFB was never talk about anything negative, and if you had even ONE mild complaint, you were showing lack of faith in God. Once at the second IFB, during a prayer session, I worried aloud about a medical problem, and three church members later came up to give me books on trusting God. 

I have enough hobbies to keep myself busy. I'm always behind on projects. Better to join a Senior Center [husband will be old enough soon] and art center than a church. 

Churches are money-making business and "busy work for adults". Sometimes I get exhausted thinking of all the church volunteer work, that was attempted to be foisted on me. All of them have endless committees. Some of this work there is a need for like helping at a soup kitchen, but some folks seemed to do nothing but go to church meetings. 

Churches all support the status quo. Question the system, well you probably aren't going to last long. If you are off the "normie" reservation in general, expect negative reactions. This could be anything from anarchism, punk, libertarianism, questioning globalism, liking Bukowski to an interest in outsider art. You will notice a growing sameness in all your church members, and a pressure to become more like them. Name one church denomination that stood against the Covid tyranny? If they are big enough to be a known name, there doesn't seem to be one.

I'm not going to waste anymore time on any church. I don't believe one has to be in a church to have a relationship with God. I believed years ago, that the "church system" had departed from what Jesus Christ intended anyhow, and think that way now. I'm back reading the bible and thinking about Bible prophecy. From what I can tell most of the UU loves the WEF and every agenda I now despise so staying wasn't an option. 

We all want to belong somewhere and have community, I had a lot of dreams about the UU church I was in, but there simply was too much I came to disagree on. The good memories will be held onto. It was a learning experience.

The Unitarian Universalist Controversy: When Your Church Goes So Woke You Can't Stand It.

The Angst of Life

This speech is ironic to me now, well authoritarianism took over the left even more so.

Stopping the Authoritarian Train in it's Tracks.

My Life of Sadness Among the "Juice Drinkers".

The High Church of Wokeness

Why Unitarian Universalism is Dying

What Scapegoats Need to Know About Chronic Illness

What Scapegoats Need to Know About Chronic Illness

This is a good video by Rebecca Mandeville, it talks about how chronic illness, and autoimmune disorders often come to those who have faced abuse and scapegoating. When the body is in fight or flight mode 24/7 surrounded by abusers, it takes a huge toll on our health. I can't embed videos lately, the search for Youtube and embed codes don't work. if anyone has advice on that I welcome it.

Here's an old article I wrote about being chronically ill around narcissistic abusers.

"You're Not Really Sick!": Dealing with Illness and Narcissists. 

Memes For The Unraveling of Modern Life

The other week, I had to emergency purchase a filter for my air cleaner, the other one was getting old. When you are poor, more on that later, you simply don't get things done. I'm glad I got it in time, because our air here was so dirty. I felt like I was eating dirt, and scared to death the asthma would kick in. BTW I don't want to say where I live but the smokey dirty air is over a wide swathe of the country.

I believe the fires were set on purpose, by arsonists etc, so they can get the public to panic over the environment and they can push Agenda 21 and Climate Lock-downs. I guess now they got us locked down over germs, on and off, they'll do it now with dirty air. This is more severe abuse for the disabled by the way, they don't care about people like me with bad lungs. I am 50 something years old, and we have never had smoke come from Canada. I'm tired. This weekend, my town is supposed to have AQIs over 100. [note: I wrote this earlier, we actually hit almost 300, and yes I wondered if I was going to die soon and had to remain within the bubble of an air cleaner to stay alive for over a week.]

Life sure is funny lately, I never expected that when things went really pear-shaped that everyone

would continue BAU or business as usual. I have stopped talking about "bad" stuff around people and keep it just for online and the inner sanctum of home. It's weird, I wonder if people on the Titantic all acted like the parties would never end. It just occurred to me, since the powers that be seem to want to burn down Canada and poison our air with smoke, now I have to check the AQI along with the temperature to go outside.

A swath of purple and red slices across the country, and New York City had Orange skies and no one at least on my Facebook seemed to care. It's weird. People have gone into this weird denial place where nothing "bad" is to be discussed. This was one thing that separated me quite a bit from local groups including the UU. One or two people were exceptions but I watched people party hearty while I felt like my life was collapsing. Even today my UU is doing a service on "Dancing", and I had the thoughts hmm "dancing" while the world burns. The think positive crap has really done a disservice to society. I used to warn about this years ago.

The above meme is a good one. I am politically homeless, but one reason that happened is because the left sure leaped onto the censorship train, It applies to the other side too. If your side makes rules that can be abused, one day they will be. 

Bob Malone is a cartoonist I follow, here's one of his good cartoons. I like the people busting out to freedom, but sadly I think rural areas are not immune to the building totalitarian system. I think those who can live off the land and self reliantly will be far better off. I sadly am not one of them. Small rural towns have very few jobs and some are collapsing on the vine.

It seems like every bad dystopian movie is coming true all at once from Children of Men, to Utopia, to 1984. Maybe that's why they kept showing us that stuff to wear us all down and normalize crappy hard lives. When the Jetsons predicted good things to come, the future ended up sucking instead. I wonder now why scientists never work on anything to help people. Why'd they even waste time in the lab on this transhumanist evil crap?  Old diseases like cancer and lupus continue unabated but this is what they spend time on? 

The powerful are busy cleaning out the tills. They don't care about you or I. The money clean-out is happening and we know that's all they care about is money. Just look around. They want to take it all and don't want you to have any.  Realize how the ultra wealthy have just become even more wealthy. Many of us Americans live in places, where ruins are popping up. This includes both rural areas and inner city areas, abandoned houses, dead malls, busted up parking lots, old long closed factories, the landscape is not a beautiful one. Things are dying. For some of us all we have to do is look around. Covid created the biggest money clean-out in history, there's a reason they got most of the liberals mesmerized by the "rainbow" flag parade and drag queens and the conservatives harkening back to realities that no longer exist, who can afford the land or farm anymore for self-reliance?

This meme is interesting, yes to some of us who "wake up to the matrix", all the stuff they tell you will make you happy seems to be a lie.  Life can seem like a joke. Some of the more spiritual know the career success and social status can vaporize instantly. We don't see the celebrities the same way, we just see them as mostly debauched types who sold their souls. See any celebrities except extraordinarily rare one speak out against any of the present nonsense? There's a reason for that. Some conspiracy types theorize there are actual ceremonies and such, to join the elite. All I know is their power and money seems to cancel out a conscience. I think of all the people were famous who pushed the clot shots on the populace. 

I don't tell people IRL I am into conspiracy theory or what some of my real beliefs are. It's like living a double life. My opinions ARE controversial. In society, I try to be very careful or I just make hints about stuff. I can lay a few crumbs out with some smarter folks, hoping they will follow and read up on things on their own, mentioning authors, ideas and other things but you can't be too heavy-handed. A lot of people are overworked. Some of us autistic hermits had time to study a lot of weird stuff that average people don't get time to read up on too. Often people will call you "crazy". Some conspiracy is bullcrap, diversions, and political propaganda, but the world doesn't work the way the TV says it does. Some of us figure that out. Most don't. 

 Maybe some pick up on the hints. I learned long ago trying to tell people 9-11 was an inside job and about other stuff was usually a mistake. One old Christian friend told me only 3 percent of all people wake up to how this world is really run and the majority can't handle dealing with the truth of this world, and how so much is based on lies.

It does give me kind of an odd life, where I have to be cautious about what I say. Most believe leaders are benevolent which always boggles my mind, weren't they sitting in history class with me too learning about Mao and Stalin murdering multi-millions with planned famines, wars and more? Everyone knows about Hitler's evils too. There have been endless genocides.

Speaking of Pharmaceutical evils, why doesn't anyone remember that stuff about Thalidomide and what it did to babies, why would you be willing to line up for anything that wasn't tried and true? They never heard of black box drugs that went off the market because they gave people heart attacks and strokes. It always shocked me the level of trust people have in bad leaders.

Sometimes I think maybe us ex-scapegoats can discern evil quicker, maybe because we got lied to so much and saw all the techniques first hand. The people running the Covid nonsense always have those narcissistic sneers and "Duper-Delight" looks on their faces that are so familiar to many of us who escaped abusive households! Fauci and my mother probably could be great pals. 

This meme applies to me in my 50s. My parents lived a completely different life than I did. My father even spent thousands on a muscle car he never finished and tinkered on in the garage.  I have this old cookbook my parents put together and my father gave me a copy. Their diet was even rich, with endless desserts. It boggles my mind how did my mother constantly ate Texas Sheet Cake, Dirt Cake made with Oreos, Shrimp Scampi, Barbecued Ribs, and all the foods I remember them having in my childhood and teens and stay under 200lbs. More and more I think weight has nothing to do with food intake. CICO is a joke. I don't make or eat desserts but even if I did, never could afford the wide array of groceries all that food would take. Like this guy, groceries seem to be purchases that have to be recovered from and he wants a Pokeman game he wants to buy but almost needs to move into a cardboard box to have it. 

I had to sell a painting to have enough groceries this week. I'm glad I did. I will blog about this later but we are falling back into poverty. The inflation has crushed us. I have all these medical bills piling back up--they doubled all my co-pays in the last two months too.  He has a contract job until the end of July and then some lower paid freelance. What is scary even when he's on his lower paid freelance, the insane subsidized housing world, thinks that's too much money even though we can't survive on it. The 80% AMI buildings where the income limits aren't so low, are rare, I only found one far away from medical care. If anyone has any advice about senior and disabled housing, I'm all ears.

I can't say to husband, "Make less money!" when we are barely surviving. I had the thought if I do go into subsidized housing every time we sell a little ebay or art or something, we would have to report it where the rent would get raised. Our income goes up and down too. What a mess.

Try being 50 something years old, wondering if you should move to Appalachia or a remote town in the middle of fly-over country just to survive. I'm considering moving to the backwoods again, to be around more unvaxxed and independent thinking people but then I need things like a kidney specialist. My old small town is an hour away from medical specialists, I would spend every dime on medical travel saved on rent. What if the car broke down? Even there, the town and too many other jacked the rent to almost what I pay here.  Yesterday I joked should I put names of towns on a card, and throw a dart at it. One town wants to pay people to move there. How bad is it? I did notice the rent was around 800 for a two bedroom.

Sometimes I am in awe at the lives of the wealthy boomers have around me, their lives are so rich and full. None of them are worried about this Covid stuff at all, they just go on vacations, and see their endless relatives. I don't relate to them. 

A lot of them are nice people, that's the crazy thing, around those folks, I have to make sure not to talk about too dark of stuff, they are cool with art and writing. How do people get so well off? It seems a long term stable job, inheritances, and secure living is like building blocks from their 20s on. They weren't hanging out with the rats in Chicago getting mattresses out of the trash.

There's some people who are poorer when young who are able to get lives back on track, but outside of approaching the edges of working class stability, we never have managed it. When you get this old, the dreams are starting to vaporize, inside you want to be a "real person" too. I told my husband I don't care about being rich, I'm fine with a simple life, but now that they want to take my simple life away, that's depressing me. First they came for the social life, I managed to build up even with severe disabilities. Now my very survival again is in danger. I'm tired. There's a lot of time I wish I was born in another country and in another life.

It's weird it's like my reality doesn't match anyone I am around, and sometimes wonder if that has been bad for my mental health. While I have friends online I can talk to and a very few in real life with most, my head hurts because their reality is so different, that really makes for walking on eggshells. 

I can't be the only poor one after Covid, in fact I have the theory there's millions of homeless people now and they've managed to paper over the real poverty out there, Hunger Games style. Homeless people in my state go couch surf or hide in tents in the woods, some states the homelessness is far more obvious, and the tent cities are proliferating like mushrooms. 

Those who are Enneagram 4 [5 wing for me] also can be prone to something called ENVY, which I admit is a problem, but there's times lately where life can be very lonely especially if you are poor person living among far wealthier people.  It made me sad the other day, I may have to move to YET another town, because this one is gentrifying and the rent is skyrocketing. It feels like another message of YOU DON'T BELONG. No life stability for me. Sometimes I worry those dreams of cooking beans in can over a fire grille will come true but don't know if poverty or apocalypse is going to bring it first.

Ah yes economics, when I take the political tests, I'm at the very bottom corner of the left but then this stuff is limited. My belief in politics is vaporizing, they control and steer every demographic but obviously those of us on the more libertarian side of things that value freedom and freedom of movement, we see the dark days ahead. All politicians suck. The left failed me. Biden is a total senile creep with a pervert with a son. Bernie was all talk and no action. Trump was horrible as well. Owning nothing sucks. I love how they try to push it as something great. 

The environment is screwed. Why sugar coat it? I can't go down the conservative nothing is happening high way, because I have noticed all the missing insects and wildlife over the years like all the fireflies that used to be everywhere even 15 years ago at dusk. I don't see the United Nations Sustainability crowd fixing any of this though.  Bill Gates wanted to block out the sun, maybe he got his wish. They don't give a damn.

 I even wondered if the billionaire globalists busy with genociding us, defend it in their own minds that they are saving humanity and saving the earth. The air is now smoke-filled because, Trudeau belongs to the WEF and they want their "climate change lock-downs". Now I don't only have germs keeping me inside, but now smoke. We went to my garden and I wore the damn mask because the air was dirty It was around 100 aqi, it was 70 when we left, but I could taste the grit and plastic. It was the first time I left my apartment in a week.

I can concede some fires started from drought but it's weird how all events seem to serve the elite isn't it? Didn't Canada have droughts before? I'm an old woman and my green state full of water never has become a smoke-filled mess. They used to do things like actually put out the fires and use those planes with buckets before everything got out of control.  Everything goes their way. 

 Nothing makes sense anymore. That much is sure. I do believe society is collapsing. Sometimes I think well try and enjoy life as much as I can before I'm sent off the camp or living in the woods because they shut off my digital bank account for refusing the latest clot shot. How can I even explain it, that all the bad stuff I warned of 15 years ago on a bible prophecy and conspiracy blog is now happening? Hey we all watched those dystopia movies too.