The Angst of Life

 I decided to edit this out a bit, be careful blogging when you get too emotional. A friend of mine is sick and I have been very worried. I do sometimes ask where everything is going though. A lot doesn't make sense to me. I had husband take me out today so am in a better mood.

I'm busy with some projects. The zine is going well. It's at the 223 page mark and we have begun editing. I'm supposed to have an art show in the spring. I have to go paint today. There's a LOT of stuff to do. The art show is a big deal to me which will take a lot of effort, but I was given it based on work I had already show on Facebook. 

Healthwise things are not good. Going almost completely deaf has been psychologically hard. I know it has added to my isolation. The transcribe phone helps but I am now completely incapable of holding a conversation with people without it's support. I need $2000 dollar hearing aids I can't afford. We saved $800 bucks only to have both cars break down within the same week, and it went poof. I have a few hundred to my name right now that has to go to medical bills. How do I explain this to my ear doctor? I have to work on this problem too. The ear doctor told me point blank, "You will go completely deaf". I am scared, life is hard enough. I can't hear my husband talk anymore. It sucks. The transcribe phone is necessary to hear him with.

 My own health now requires seeing a multitude of specialists, the kidneys are still doing their thing. I have to collect pee on Monday or Tuesday and have husband drive it in to Fed Ex to do a test. I eat cottage cheese at every meal, it seems to hold off the calcium kidney stones. Medical stuff takes up so much of everyday. Figuring out how to pay my medical bills online will help my life. I had a small one I paid off yesterday. I have to remember to order insulin. My long time independent pharmacy closed and gave me two hours notice and told me they had sent my scripts over to a corporate pharmacy. I am annoyed, it is not the same as the personal service they gave me for 16 years. The owner seems to be another greedy man who "sold out". Why couldn't he have sold it to someone to keep it independent?

I'm diagnosed with CFS but there is constant guilt for always being late getting showered, cleaning stuff and wanting to sleep all the time.  My appetite is even down but I haven't lost weight. Vegetarian takes endless cooking.  Locally most of the vegetarian fare includes veggie burritos or falafel sandwiches. Sometimes I worry I will get a hankering for some ribs or pot roast, and go for a free for all and die of kidney stones. I haven't eaten a hamburger in 8 years. 

I'm supposed to see an endocrinologist next month. I need more testing. There could be parathyroid problems because of the two different kinds of kidney stones. I need genetic testing. I'm going to lay it out flat and tell her, "Look this obesity problem is beyond my solving". Most people if they removed a whole food group would lose something, I am only keeping it stable. I want 100 pounds off so I can have a chance of driving again though my husband thinks my legs are the main problem and says "You fit behind the wheel in the van, it's your legs!"  We don't have the money to install the hand controls on the wheel, it's thousands of dollars. I looked it up. There are sticks you can attach to pedals but you need to drive the wheel with one hand, with my giant legs there's no rooms to put the "sticks".  Those sticks cost around 200 dollars. 

I am so dependent on him, and worry what if he gets sick or something happens to him? He's older than me.  One wants to be able to help their spouse too if they get sick from the other side. They'll stuff me away in some nursing home and I'll be screwed. What if he can't drive? I have to fix this crap. We could get cheaper rent moving further out, but I'm too scared to live off the bus lines for obvious reasons. 

On Facebook, I belong to this obesity group for super-fats where they do weight loss stuff and go to gyms. How are they going to the gym with no mask being unafraid? I feel like a dummy watching normal people live like they all have figured out something I haven't. I asked one guy, "How do you not worry about Covid?" He didn't answer.

Maybe I am too OCD and autistic for this world. According to neurotypical edicts, I am to return to life without a mask, and just "stop worrying about it" and get my multiple cases of "Covid" because it's "mild" now. Maybe I need a therapist to help talk me into rejoining community life, disposing of the masks and taking on the risk. I don't know. Maybe they are the crazy ones who will all be dying if that Harvard2thebigHouse guy is right.  There's something not adding up to me there. If Omicron is so mild where no one has to wear a mask now, and it's "just a cold" why does everyone need an experimental vaxx against it? That makes no sense. That's something else that hurts my brain. Maybe I think too much. The "normies" can go with the flow. Someone like me is driven crazy. 

With the endocrinologist, I have to write out a complex health history and bring pictures. Some fat people do manage to get inpatient weight loss, I'm not sure how to make that happen though Covid is a problem. I even had thoughts maybe I would be more active at home anyway not in a hospital room all day.  Fasting is too hard for me. One part of the problem is hunger pain and reactions if I haven't had food in a certain period of time. I ate a vegetarian burrito at lunch, it was a big one so I only ate half and decided to save the other half for tomorrow. So that was around 1:00pm? I just had to eat a snack, because I felt that horrible fuzzy feeling I get and it's been only 5 hours. The snack was low calorie turkey--it's "light" enough not to make stones--half sandwich. The burrito had all sorts of veggies, rice and beans in it.

Whatever my problem is, I can't solve it. I know Lipedema stage 4 does bad things to people but I'm getting old and being this fat is not a good thing. I'm still 520. The hunger pain drives me nuts. There's symptoms of endocrine stuff, voice hoarseness, endless kidney stones, and more. The kidney doctor was concerned about some of my adrenal problems of 20 years ago. Something more is going on. Well I'll see what I can do. I have kept myself out of the hospital. 

I'm seeing a few people on Zoom. I feel weird that I haven't been back in person to my UU church in so long. I'm not sure how to explain it, so just have left it alone. I do feel uncomfortable about the Covid stuff with my church but then later I was thinking, you don't know how people are thinking in there now. You haven't been around! Some vaxxed people regret taking it. Others remained silent for obvious reasons, and sometimes I think there's a few who managed to avoid the subject. I worked on avoiding it, except for the few I told. To be fair, I'm not sure what is going on. They haven't shut off the Zoom at least yet. Some people are coming in from long distance. 

Medical topics are touchy subjects. I already wrote about my spiritual angst and regrets when it comes to religion.  I'm too off the spiritual ranch to go back to my old churches, I even went to go watch videos from my old IFB on Youtube. The pastor there is still an oily pompous used car salesman. I don't believe the same way. Their God is a cruel god of war. It was weird to do a look back.

 My husband likes our UU church a lot. He never was a fundamentalist Christian and went to church with me. I like a lot of stuff about the place but wish there were more who agreed with me about Covid, but suspect some stayed quiet too.  It's brought a chasm between me and some others. Ironically I went to a Unitarian Universalist message board, this one guy was complaining about all the "naturalist" types refusing the vaxx at his UU church. I wish we had some of those people in mine.

It's ironic to me, I failed in fundamentalism and evangelicalism because I didn't conform enough to the Republican politics and edicts about life and now sometime feel like it's happening on the "left" side of the equation. The "woke" stuff I don't agree with it anymore. They'll do a service on Climate Change and I will think "it's just the elites wanting to exploit resources for Agenda 21". If the billionaires cared about the environment, they would have community gardens on every corner instead of carbon taxes to oppress the poor with. There are times I do come out with things, and say, the other side fears encroachments on their rights, and this economic system is almost like a cage. Sometimes I agree with them on things. Where do us old school pro-union, anti-corporate, anti-war lefties fit anymore? The world on the right, I've already been there, is not a pleasant one for the disabled though I agree with some of the right about civil liberties and being against Covid mandates. There's got to be others like me where politics feels like a muddle. 

 By the way vegetarianism is not some great thing that can be applied to everyone. My husband came up on medical tests being too low on B12. He eats beef from restaurants and chicken at home with me sometimes, but he definitely needs more meat. I'm cooking the tofu for me and giving him more meat at meals now.  I was told by one doctor not to give up meat completely, because I am too anemic. I sometimes question the idea of everyone being vegetarian, there can be nutritional limitations with it. 

My few social contacts in this town are via my UU church and there's overlap with arts organizations I was part of or have Zoom contact with now. . I know just having Zoom contact, things feel weird a lot.  My last time in the building was in March of 2020. One thing I have asked about my life lately is "Why is community always taken from me?" Why is it so hard to keep?

 Ironically some people joined the church and left before I even met them in person. Others have noticed that I haven't come back in person and I can tell my "cowardice" is annoying people. Some people are really nice there and I still email them. My husband pointed out last night, "They always treated us far better." I said, "You are right, I still email several of them!" It feels like I am losing too many people even there. Some people have left or "disappeared" and I think ill health, economics and more has added more turmoil to life. 

I reconnected with an old church member on Facebook. I didn't get into religion with her. There are times I've had nostalgic thoughts about those times, life seemed more simple. I told some people on my exevangelical board, that sometimes one can question religious paths. I put up this meme, that talked about people wanting to figure out WHAT is true. Some people answered and pointed out autistics often are in that spot of wanting to know what exact truth is while normal people can go with the "nice" stories. I wrote back I know normal people don't study Gnosticism or wonder if Christianity ran off the tracks with the Council of Nicea. 

People here may remember but I and husband disagreed about staying here. I wanted to move back to my old small town for years. It is a battle I lost.  We stayed for the available medical care years ago. My old small town by the way has mostly rejected the Covid narrative. I know some got vaxxed there, but it's pretty conservative. Life here does have positives in that this place is wealthier, and that means some fancy things like nice restaurant, arts based organizations and more. Before Covid came, this place had become more of a "mecca" for things to do. It's still a smaller town, and is older, but there was no shortage of events. 

 This affluent community has always been harder for me. I am autistic and super-fat everywhere but I always felt it was harder to "fit in". Before Covid, I was changing things and the tide was turning finally where I felt like things were turning out, and had hope about where my life was going and well that's all been ruined. I feel left adrift. A friend of ours died in our small town, some months ago. I hope it wasn't from the vaxx though I wondered he had lived through so many problems but he was very elderly. He was the leader of the music and art co-op there. My husband wrote an essay to celebrate his life and I signed off on it. We didn't have money to travel to his funeral. It brought back those old times to us. 

Living so isolated has been hard for me. I am glad for the time I and husband have together but I've become a hermit except for the two friends. I asked some Facebook friends how they are living, and I think there's other people in this boat now too. I wonder about all the trauma of all this, and how it will impact society.

Medically things are getting very scary too where mobility and more are at risk. Sometimes I feel like I can move around a bit, but other days I get so stiff I can barely walk. With Covid, I get worried it will be forever and we will never have spontaneous life back where it will be in the back of everyone's mind everytime they do anything social. The worse thing for me, is there is no end to it all, no hope, just endless failed vaccines, and watching people die now. They still don't have treatments that work.

 If it's real and they never turn to treatments that work, things could get bad, especially if it gets more severe. It seems evidence leans towards it growing more mild, but who knows? I've seen all sorts of theories.  If it's a con, then the three years I lost shutting down my life except my marriage and seeing 2 friends once a month will piss me off beyond belief.  Others will be angry too.

The public health numbskulls just piss me off now. The FDA, CDC and rest should all be shut down. If I had energy and didn't have other projects to work on, I would consider writing and filing a federal lawsuit based on what has been done to disabled people like me. Where their "one size fits all" solutions was oppressive and where they pushed a failed experiment on people. I hope websites like "Died Suddenly" keep growing even to wake up the sleeping.

This "stuck" position is very hard. Where I cannot decide what to do. I feel so isolated. I feel like I'm not getting help and well my medical care is not the same anymore and that doesn't bode well for the future. I don't feel hope of anything getting better. 

 I feel trapped and that is the worse part of this. I need activity and the gym back, even to stay alive. I am being harmed by lack of people to talk to and communicate with in the real world but the loneliness of worrying about saying the wrong thing is not good. I don't want depression to come crawling back.   

A few times I did try to talk about in email with some other people about what is going on. But no one would talk. It was like they were afraid to. I don't show my full hand, I wrote things like, "Aren't you worried this isn't over with yet?" No one would respond. It got kind of weird. Maybe some think I am obsessed with Covid. I don't trust in the vaxxes and the health institutions like they do. Seeing so many people getting sick, does have me scared. Some people who question the Covid narrative, warned a long time ago, gear yourself up emotionally for what could happen and the losses to come. How on earth can a group with 250,000 people on it talking about all the deaths and severe disabilities they've seen be ignored? There is something happening and I don't know if it will ever come to light, but it seems the snowball is rolling down the hill and getting bigger.

Maybe I am a "coward" to still be wearing masks and "hiding out" but I have a history of some of my PTSD being related to medical crisis and almost dying from severe asthma attacks and infections. This is not a history that pushes one to "take chances".  Nothing makes sense where I am told I am evil not to take experimental vaxxes which in my case would kill me right off, but then I am supposed to just rejoin life, and get Covid over and over. I am tired of not being able to figure out if Covid is real or even still out there, or if everyone is just getting colds now labeled as Covid, with false PCR test positives.

 How am I supposed to know for sure? If this is a con job, the most diabolical Satanic minds are running it and I have intellectual limitations just like every other human being. However if real, their failures, are horrifying and their stupidity even more so. The vaxxes have "failed" and they aren't addressing it. The only conclusion I can come to is that the vaxxes are for 'ANOTHER PURPOSE' and you know I've linked to enough articles exposing what THAT could be. 

They aren't effective. Oh and let me throw this in, going back to my question, if Omicron is "just a cold", why a vaxx? And what about those who caught it anyway. The vaxxes have no protection from long term effects or possible "long covid".

Dealing with this for ACONs is not easy. You walk on from toxic relationships but then this happens, and relationships in general are in danger. I have noticed a theme on many message boards and elsewhere on line where people talk about the Covid divide and how it has split families, friends and communities in two.

People don't even realize or care that these powers that be, don't want us to have spontaneous or other social networks. It's like the book 1984 where Winston isn't allowed to have any romantic relationships and has to "sneak" having a girlfriend. People in that book don't have family ties, or friend ties or social ones. This is what I believe they want in this world and people better wake up. 

I think all the time about how I could fix this problem. How could I have community in my life without losing my soul? One reddit commenter mentioned "imaginary communities". He's on to something here. When I think back to the 2000s, we saw people as more whole individuals it wasn't just about what "team" you were on.

 I believe they were able to script reality itself according to fantasy and are still doing so with no reality testing that comes from REAL PEOPLE IN the REAL WORLD. That's a problem I obviously have isn't it? I see three people on a regular basis that's it now. Two friends about once a month and husband everyday.  I have no one to assess risk with now, except for very few. There's too many bots, and bullshit online to wade through. I never saw any of these Covid people to know how sick they were or weren't. There was no one to say to me, "Peep, I couldn't breathe". In fact I got far more feedback about the damages of the vaxxes. 

One thing I've noticed as a line between conservatives and liberals, is conservatives come from closer knit families, and small towns and rural areas, the ties are stronger. I wonder if this influences different views of the world. Their reality testing comes more from other people. I hope people see where I am coming from with this. Maybe one theme of my blog here is "disconnection", the disconnection from ACON abuse, and now the disconnection of modern society. 

One guy on a reddit board, responded to a post I made and I agreed with it. 

And I'm not saying our ancestors had lack of meaning in their lives. I think our Western society is a perversion of what is natural for how human beings used to live. Even up to about two decades ago, the vast majority of "communities" were real physical things, with physical connection, with real interaction between real people. Not any more. It's all imaginary. All these people now imagine the world and communities and friends they have. And it's driving them insane.

......everybody lives inside a social media reality bubble now, whether they actually use social media or not. They believe what they want to believe. They curate their own reality bubble. And what they want to believe is that the left is morally right and therefore correct. Reality must change to fit ideology. Like Lysenko planting crop seeds much too close together and then denying the ensuing failed crops and mass starvation ever happened. We the left are morally right. Reality supports that. Anything else is impossible. The end.

Where is reality anymore? I am not happy living in manufactured reality so disconnected. I am faced now with trying to make choices, not even really knowing what is going on and that is a problem when I am someone with so many health challenges. I never knew life could be this way. Sometimes I do wake up in shock that this is what life has become. Most people aren't living in reality anymore. What can one say to them? It's like the world is in a trance. Reality doesn't matter. You can tell the powers that be don't care about keeping things logical. They are manipulating reality to the point we don't know what is going on anymore and the disconnection helps them in that control.