Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Why Do So Many Defend the Narcs?

Most of the world rushes to defend the narcissists! Why? One thing I noticed when I have tried to speak out against my abuse, is besides other ACONs who understood and a few close friends, most would defend the narcissists. "How could you say that about your mother?" "Maybe it's you!" A lifetime of being told one is evil, can be hard. It is what happened to me. When I cried about my abuse or sought to tell others, outside of the "Aunt who Loved me", everyone else told me I was in the wrong and the problem. Even my own father would tell me, "Maybe if you were a better daughter, your mother would treat you better.". Everything was always my fault.  One thing an ACON may have to face is deciding just to let anyone think whatever they want to think.

 I have to admit I got tired of being told everything I said, did and felt "was wrong". One thing about me people will soon figure out, I do not follow the crowd. I have viewpoints that in many circles have made me the enemy. So I am used to this. A born again Christian with certain beliefs already gets the steam roller of mainstream public opinion coming to crush them. Even being a Christian in today's world means you are hated and Jesus Christ warned about this.

Narcissists always have the way paved for them and there is a WORLD full of people who defend them. Why do narcissists get the defense while their victims are treated like dirt? If anything a person who has dealt with abusers, is always told they are the ones who need to forgive, while the narcissist is never called out to repent or to treat people better. One sign of our narcissistic society is how they have dirtied the very name "victim" to mean something bad. Victims are told they are at fault and that they are bad people for being victims in the first place. You will see websites that will scream "Don't be a Victim!" which in essence means the perpetrators of human misery are to earn more respect. Victims are labeled as "bad", "weak" and "deserving of punishment" while their abusers get off free. Many narcs become narcs thinking "I'm going to be the winner, and 'get them', before they get me."

In the political and religious debate world, there is one thing that is used to shut down all conversation upon people who separate from the herd, and often that one thing is calling someone a HATER. The politically correct crowd uses this one all the time to shut up any messages about reality they do not want to hear. Instead of dealing with the message that is said, the main agenda is to label the person with the message as "bad". Because the controllers of this world are mostly narcissists and sociopaths themselves, I do believe there is an agenda, to prevent us underlings from having too honest of a discussion about evil. I can see "change agents" making sure open discussions about the wicked or what to do about them don't go too far. This is why I believe one well known narcissist tries to promote the idea of sympathy for narcissists. There are other websites too that promote that idea. I was on a Facebook group myself for ACONs where that idea was pushed. Anyone expressing any degree of anger [righteous] towards an abuser were told they were "wrong".

The same powers that be that use propaganda to sell people on the idea of endless wars in the Middle East to bankrupt America, also will use propaganda to make the way easier for the narcs and sociopaths. That means accountability is repressed and false forgiveness is promoted for the wicked in society. In a world where corruption rules, they want to keep people naive and thinking they are to blame when someone treats them bad. On a certain blog, I parted ways with, it concerned me deeply when there were articles written about the "poor suffering narcs" and "narcissists who can be cured". Every ACON blog admits lesser narcs and coverts exist but our subject matter is the ones without a conscience. These things worried me because I started thinking is this another place where victims will soon be shamed? Will this be another place ACONs are told to submit.

There are websites who will tell you to forgive your narcs. Therapists will say reconcile. Many will shame people telling them they will become eaten up with "hatred" and "bitterness" if they do not forgive and forget. Some even write that holding the no contact position is wrong.

I forgave over and over only to crawl back for another emotional beating, and to have my health problems maligned or to give her more opportunities for smear campaigns with more punch. I didn't want to become a hateful or bitter person. I have felt enough shame that it does hurt me even now, that I am the middle aged woman who doesn't have a family left and wasn't able to have her own family or children. If it wasn't for my loving husband and friends, I probably would have crawled in a hole long ago.

So when people say someone is "hateful" or "bitter" in exposing abuse or trying to bring accountability to narcissists or exposing the deep pain of attempted soul murder in my case that utterly destroyed my health, that deeply concerns me. Many ACONs can attest to this too, how we were beaten with the "forgive" stick which is a twin cousin to the "be positive or else" stick that is used in our society to give narcissists more power, more leeway and control. Remember if the serfs and victims can be kept silent and smiling, they are free to abuse even more.

So when someone wants to STIFLE ACONs it deeply concerns me.   Some mean well and have been deceived by the "be positive" or else and the "love everyone" no matter what messages this society pushes. Others have an agenda. The end result is the same to silence ACON blogs and those of us who have faced the abuse. This is a subject that even if you are anonymous takes guts to even dare approach in a public form. The voices exposing narcissistic abuse are few and far between. Even my blog is not entirely an ACON blog but deals with obesity and a multitude of other issues. How many ACON blogs are there? Not very many. So why all the pressure to shame and silence us? Why does everyone defend the narcs? Where is the sympathy for the victims? If anything most narcissists have no problem in this world getting their needs met.

ACONs are shamed for natural righteous anger and told they are unforgiving by many people who for whatever reason just don't get it. Many bloggers and others have dealt with this issue and have shown directly how a false message is given to forgive the unrepentant wicked.

Forgiveness Not What You think

"  However, forgiveness and the requirement to forgive are not necessarily what we have been led to believe they are by our abusers and their enablers, or by others who are either misinformed or trying to deceive us.  In the Bible, we are told to forgive as the Lord forgave us.(Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32)  The Lord forgives us when we repent. (Ezekiel 33:10-20, Isaiah 55:6-7, Jeremiah 6:16-30 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19)  He does NOT forgive those who are 'stiff-necked' , refuse to repent, and intend to continue in their sinful ways, and he does not expect us to, either.  By forgiving unremorseful evildoers, we are depriving them of the opportunity to repent and transform their lives."

This article helped me quite a bit in escaping the FALSE SHAME being handed to me over righteous anger in being abused. I suggest every ACON read it. Smakintosh too also made a good video detailing the difference in forgiveness especially when dealing with the unrepentant and wicked. I pray and hope a certain blogger watches this one:

I don't talk about this much, but I left my mother an avenue to repent. I do not believe it will ever be taken and I believe she is completely seared but this option was given her. If there had ever been any true repentance from any of the narcissists I went no contact with the story would have been very different.  So let it be known I gave her a chance. Same for the rest of them.

Here is what I wrote near the end: "I wish we had a real mother daughter relationship where I could have really talked to you and shared who I was with you. On this weekend of all of them, I get to watch people who had real mother/daughter relationships share them. You made this so it was never possible. I also have the pain of being infertile by age 19 and being too sick to ever to have children, on top of it. ...You never have opened up to me about anything, even in one letter from last year, you shared something from your childhood which should be something a daughter would naturally know, but I did not because you withheld everything from me. I have been doing better healthwise so do not want to put that in jeopardy. You and her really hurt me for years, and I am not coming back to "get back in line" to the same position I was in before. It's not happening. You can email me if you choose and actually start talking to me if you choose, otherwise I have to keep trying to work on my health and trying to find/bring happiness among people I feel good around."

She never started really talking to me and never will, and I know it. This never got a response, but I still got the fake cards with no messages beyond "Thinking of You" or "We are praying you come back to the family" and  "Love Mom" in her prefect penmanship, that only creeped me out more. I think about what I would do in this position, if I had a daughter who left me behind I wouldn't stalk her or send her creepy cards, I would try to talk things out.  A normal person would try and ask "What is wrong?".The above was an invitation for discourse, which she threw completely in the trash. 

One thing about the narcissists too, is they don't want your love either. Before I went no contact, I spent time trying to break through to and get closer to many family members and I failed. Many were afraid to talk to me. Some seemed torn like my brother for a short time but under pressure his decision for my mother were obvious. For all the talk of "love and forgiveness", love is not wanted either by narcissists or even many of their enablers. They dislike soft feelings, so that compassion and love is being wasted most often on people who hate even the concept of true love. I of course believe one should not seek revenge, God makes this clear but to pour goblets of love and understanding on a narcissist is a waste of time. Many of us ACONS were told to love our narcissists into not abusing us. Some of us tried and our love was thrown in trash cans and used against us. 

 Very few realize this but I had the years [especially after 2002, when I became a Christian] when I tried very hard with my mother. I made her a glass painting of flowers on a window that still hangs in her back year, this is the time I started sending Aunt Scapegoat presents too which led one painting to be ditched in the closet. I went on visits even when it semi-endangered my health---certain temperatures I could not do but once went on a trip when it was in the mid 30s where I got several asthma attacks to visit my family and I tried. I wanted to get close, and well plenty of doors were slammed shut in my face. When my husband lost his career, it was even more game over during my second descent into poverty.  So when people lecture me that I was not "loving" enough to narcissists or did not give them enough of a chance, it feels like a complete sock in the gut. 

 In my case, and I know some ACONS face this, mine are too proud and disdainful of me to even fake apologies. They consider me so low and unworthy, none of them have ever apologized to me in my life, real or fake, so I'm not going to sit around expecting this "Come to Jesus" moment from any member of my seared family.  All I got was coldness and "get back in line" messages and false forgive and forget offers via fake cards that told me to get back in my scapegoat seat.

I think it is incomplete injustice to add to the burden of ACONs telling them they are "hateful" people for daring to protect themselves or abandon the role of being a made a worm by narcissists. Most ACONs who have undergone severe abuse, have already been told they were hateful and evil people. In fact some of us even suffered extreme spiritual and religious abuse, and were told we were the devil's children by the actual devil's children and were hell-bound wicked people, abused because we were undeserving of love and that we were essentially unlovable. So when someone says to me that we are to "love" and "forgive" narcissists and that we are hateful, unkind, judgmental people for not doing so, this triggers me back to those experiences. Just about everyone defends the narcs. Everyone wants to give empathy to them or will tell you too. Very few say have empathy for the victims.

Another thing is they will say to you "How dare you judge!". And the world will add to that saying, "You are misjudging your mother or other relative who is abusing you". They will tell you that you are wrong. Many of us had that dished out to us by the betraying bystanders for years This delayed my even going no contact again for years. I was told to be so sensitive to her needs while no one was to mine. I have asked myself many times why didn't anyone ever defend me? I was told to be a better person, lose weight, make more money and be more of what my mother wanted for her to love me. No one told her to ever change. So when someone says ACONs must bend to the narcissists and defer to them some more, the puke pail is going to get full. 

There is a dynamic that disturbs me about this world, the most evil are defended and over while their victims are crushed to dust. A sad part of wicked human nature is the worship of power and who has more power then sociopaths and narcissists in this society? It isn't simple farmers and peaceful people with the world's awe but multimillionaire Wall-Street stockbrokers and celebrities famous for being mean and materialistic. This is why narcissistic alpha males and even females can draw in some many adoring sycophants. Look at our media where people like Charles Manson are actually celebrated. This is why the most wicked rule our world and become tyrants and dictators. This is why people are told to love and make excuses for the wicked constantly. Look at what some get away with, everyone tries to help the good ole boy and girl narcs, while non-narcs are locked up for years for 10 percent of their crimes.

I won't be silent. At this point if someone wants to say I am "hateful" or "bitter", I've had just about everything said about me online, it doesn't matter. One thing I know is true, I would have rather had a mother who loved me and who would have accepted my love too.  I wanted to be loved and give love and so did just about all ACONS on the planet. Just about the entire world defends the narcissists.  True love is telling the truth, not making excuses for evil or giving it a place.


  1. Narcissists can be cured? Really?! That's news to me. I want proof! I'm not a religious person, but I appreciate the Christian perspective in all this. Like you've said before, the topic of good versus evil enters the spiritual realm. I have to say, I"m an eye-for-an-eye person. Anna V has a good article on her blog about this position. I don't seek to harm anyone directly. Speaking my truth just happens to be viewed as "revenge" by none other than, you guessed it, narcissists. They hate exposure and are infuriated when we surfs don't fulfill the unwritten contract of silence. Using the abuse to better myself and my life is also viewed as "revenge" by the narcissists. Not succumbing to the abuse is considered one of the highest offenses to the mighty narcs. But none of that is actual revenge; it's just soldiering on and getting stronger with every blow. If the narcissists were smart, they would have stopped abusing me a long time ago. They have themselves to thank for turning me into a fighting machine. Okay, enough about me.What do you think of me? I kid. Awesome post, Peep. So much good stuff here. Will need to read it a few more times!

  2. Yes show me proof, a real one [not a covert or lesser or fleas] who is cured! Thanks regarding Christian perspective. Yes it does enter the spiritual realm. Yes Anna V has a good blog. Some do see telling the truth as "revenge". Certainly every ACON was told to break the silence, was the greatest sin even beyond our abuse as the narcs tried to control information. They hate exposure more then anything else. Yes even breaking away and not wanting to be crushed by the narcs is seen as "mean". It's so wrong, we are trying to heal and recover and not be abused. It is soldiering on. We have to fight back [this doesn't mean revenge or hate, but standing up for ourselves] to not be crushed by them. There are many broken souls like that one aunt I wrote about who they "won" over and "conquered". Thanks so much Lisette. :)

  3. Any man or woman, whether they came from an abusive situation or not, who excuses evil at the expense of good, is at best deceived.

    At best.

    This wonderful blog and others like it are attempting to tackle experiences and fallout from the hands of individuals modern psychology politely and innocuously term “the narcissist.” Or, “the personality disordered.”

    Psychological terms and words that woefully fail to capture the true essence of what Peep, myself, and a multitude of others came to know and understand in the most intimate of settings: the family system.

    The parent wields absolute control in a family system. Hence, we who entered the world in family units overseen, actually overlorded, by the narcissist, have experienced first hand the depths of unchecked depravity such individuals will plumb.

    If not for the influence of one grandparent in my life (thank God he lived to be quite old), I am convinced my parents would have killed me, albeit indirectly, before I reached eighteen years of age.

    I do not wish to invalidate the experience of individuals who act as apologists for the narcissist. But I must question the legitimacy of one who claims a similar experience as I while simultaneously attempting to pressure me to forgive (forgive on a reconciliatory level) my abuser.

    Let me clarify. I am not referencing the individual who struggles internally with this issue of forgiveness.

    I’m talking about the person who feels justified in his or her attempts to steer a victim of abuse down the path - any path - of reconciliation with their abuser.

    I’m talking about the man or woman who thinks they have the right to so much as approach the thorny ground of a victim’s relationship with his or her abuser.

    My immediate thought about such a person is their incredible level of ignorance on the subject of abuse.

    Such a person hasn’t a clue regarding the gravity of ambient abuse, much less the level of wickedness lying at the heart of such abuse.

    They haven’t a clue as to the magnitude of evil perpetrated on the inner being of another human being.

    They haven’t a clue as to the extremity of trauma experienced by the child of an actual malignant narc.

    I look at the narc apologist no differently than I view someone who’d have the gall to pressure a victim of rape to invite her rapist out for a cup of coffee.

    I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but from my perspective, it’s highly unlikely the person pressuring me to reconcile (which is what most mean when they tell us to “forgive”) with the man or woman who raped my soul has experienced actual malignant narcissistic abuse themselves.

    We who have escaped, know what we’ve escaped.

    We understand what we’ve escaped.

    We don’t see a “narcissist.”

    We don’t see a “disordered personality.”

    We see wickedness.

    We see vileness.

    We see evil.

    We see a complete disregard for the sanctity of human life, much less dignity.

    We see a murderer.

    And we have come to a place, by God’s grace, where we value our souls, our lives, and our dignity enough to protect those things, even if it means ruffling the feathers of a few do-gooder narc apologists.

    1. Great post smakintosh. I agree that anyone who excuses evil is at best deceived too. Think of what ACONs describe in happening to them, and someone wants to go to bat for narcs? Why?

      I agree with you the psychological terms are limited. I use narcissist to describe the person but we know psychology only goes so far in defining evil, it does not complete the picture.

      I am very glad you had your grandfather to help you and in keeping you alive too. I think my time with the Aunt that Loved Me, while short gave me a spark inside to keep surviving myself instead of being utterly destroyed. I know in my memories, I used to revisit that place around someone who loved me, to keep going even as a child. The evil of hating a child and not letting them stay where someone loved them is abysmal.

      I do not understand those who want to act as apologists for narcissists either. Some may be under the influence of those who say those who "cannot forgive" the narcs are as evil as the narc themselves and other false messages, we hope they will rethink.

      I think too that someone who tells us to forgive abusers and "feel sorry" for them inside, does not understand the extent of abuse that can happen via a malignant narc or sociopath or the depths of the soul murder that is attempted.

      Thanks for your post smakintosh, totally agree.

  4. I wouldn't forgive my mother if she was outside wearing a suit of one hundred dollar bills. I can't buy back what she took from us. All the time of ours she squandered and the people I love that she destroyed. She can't send me back in time and she can't reanimate the family she put in early graves.

    1. Yes we have the lost years and more. I did forgive mine over and over, and got burnt to a crisp many times until I got smart and figured out this was a person WITHOUT my best intentions in mind. Even when LC, I "forgave" out of fear and the fog. It just gave her more power to hurt me and others. The whole family is afraid of her, it's sick. Nope you can't get back what she destroyed. Same for me. Mine took my whole family and destroyed my health. I think of the destroyed people and moral cripples that came out of her dark heart.

  5. You know, I heard it, "take the high road". My ex MN ex husband said that one all the time. Neighbours abused me steadily, he'd see it, and say, "take the high road, your better than them" or " I expect better from you than them". That statement is not vengeful loaded? Please. I much better preferred to give them a very loving boot in the head.

    1. "Take the high road" to me means "Shut up, and get back in line" or "Don't rock the boat" I heard that too when being bullied, this is a way for a person too, to not back you up and to leave you to your own devices as they betray you. I am glad you got away from a husband that wouldn't even stand up against neighbors for your sake.

  6. Outsiders lump them in with Sasquatch and the lochness monster. They've seen pictures but until one sets up camp in their attic it's easier to let someone else deal with it.
    I'll take the high road Joan when the statute of limitations for vehicular homicide gets cut down to less than a year.

    1. They don't believe in them, yes! Those without the context or experience, actually think we are exaggerating. They have a world where everyone is capable of rational thought and have consciences where they can connect and actually communicate with other people. Many do not even want to admit people like this exist. No one feels safe in the woods with Big Foot on the prowl....

  7. Man.... smacintosh can really turn a phrase.

  8. You're jumping on the martyr wagon way too soon. You could've floogged this little net drama for far more hits and attension if you hadn't projected your families abuse onto a simple disagreement so blatantly . As you were Peep. Sigh.

  9. I think if the Acon's from a lessor Narc are not Pinterested in our truths they can always "unfriend" us

  10. How do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven and thinks they have done nothing wrong?

    1. If you "forgive" such a person, it gives them permission to do more evil against you and others. The narc thinks they are perfect, and no forgiveness is necessary. It's like the love I said narcs refuse and stomp on, the same goes for forgiveness. Your emotions are seen as "weakness" to be utilized.

    2. You can't. You can only forgive yourself for being so blind. They won't apologize and that's not your fault or your problem. :)

  11. "Take the high road" "Be the Bigger person"<all these kinds of trite sayings are nothing more than demanding you violate your conscience so someone ELSE can feel better. Effectively you're being told to bend over for it to pacify a bottomless pit of "mememe". Telling other people to allow themselves to be used as TOOLS, as "things" is dehumanizing as hell. People commit suicide as a result of being coerced into behaving in ways that are antithetical to their morals, ethics, values.
    You better believe I'm a judgemental bitch. Adults who terrorize and terrify, use and abuse, manipulate and subjugate their children simply for the adult's edification aren't fit for human consumption, period the end. Cluster Bs and prisoners cling to the THEORY of "continuum" so they can compare DOWNWARDS: No matter how dispicable or inhumane their treatment of others, they can always find someone whose behavior has been "worse" than theirs. CBs and the ordinarily criminal have far more in common than less: When the only consistent mediator of a fully mature adult's behavior is WHAT THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH, that individual is engaging in a criminal mindset.
    Criminals and CBs are well aware of the childhood abuse excuse and trot it out as a "reason" for their current abuse of others. However, neither cohort is known for their veracity and self-reporting should be viewed as suspect without significant additional evidence to support their claim. CBs cloak themselves as "victims" when the reality is, they're perpetuators.
    I do not give passes to Cluster Bs of any "flavor." As soon as it becomes manifest through self-report or behavior, I'm gone. On line, I hit the backspace key and do not return. I'm not interested in the Divas of Drama, the Queens of Chaos or the Mistresses of Mayhem and their "adventures" in stomping all over others simply because they can.
    The only thing I have to offer them is a discount voucher from "Spay/Neuter Now." Why bother? They'll never use it and as a result, here we are.

    1. I agree TW, this goes along with the whole "forgive and forget" as managed by narcs. You are right most of those sayings are pushed to tell people to give in and to step back in line and reject their own consciences. This is why dealing with narcs can be so insidious. They want absolute obedience.
      Its basically "bend over or else". Many people in narc families, don't rock the boat and constantly "give in" to keep the peace building the narc's power base. I agree telling people to reject their conscience and to give in like this can lead to depression and even suicide.
      People will condemn those who judge. Here is one bible verse forgotten:
      1 Cor 6:2
      King James Bible
      Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters?

      I believe this verse means we can judge.. People have to make judgments every day even to survive. Is this safe? Is that? Can we trust this person? The "do not judge" memes have been abused and twisted away from the original meaning of looking at yourself as well, and your own sins, and to excusing the wicked, and never being able to speak out against any evils in a "anything goes" fashion.
      Those who do abuse people children and adults and who live from a perspective of "getting over" should be judged, they are hurting people. The worse ones are soul murderers. They face the judgment of God one day if they never repent and of course there are the seared souls who never will.

      I agree Cluster Bs can use that, saying well so and so was ""worse" then me, I'm not such a bad fellow or gal." You see the creeping crud then of the unacceptable becoming acceptable. Probably part of the explanation for the moral downfall of society.

      Yes the "getting over" crowd operate as criminals. You are right some can use childhood abuse and use it as a "reason" for bad behavior. Yes they cloak as victims but are perpetrators. They can muddy the message of the victims who are trying to make a stand in the world. Many because of Cluster Bs like this don't allow the victims even of integrity to have a voice. I agree don't give any passes to such folks. No contact is something to be applied across the board.

  12. I won't be able to speak with authority to TW's statement because I am still alive but why my parents insisted on having me is something only they know the reason for. It damned sure wasn't because they love kids.

    1. I think many such personalities have children for "appearances". There actually may less of this as childlessness becomes more acceptable in society but many simply wanted to fit the picture of the "happy perfect family". Mine didn't love having children. We were seen as "bothers". Maybe less narcs will have children to torture since the "child-free" options have become more acceptable in society but then maybe they still will have them to have someone to torture and control.

  13. This post is about a loyal follower of otter.

  14. Hello, I always use the term high road, and I do my best to stay on it.

    However, my definition of high road is not to just let the N get away with it, but respond to where it doesn't go over the line. Kind of like they do with legal stuff, they do just enough to the point you can't do anything because it didn't cross that line.

    By taking the high road, I am civil to the person and can respond with great sarcasm in a civil manner. If I lash out in anger, like I would love to, it gets twisted and I'm the bad guy.

    By staying on the 'high road' with great perseverance, the other family members she gossips to/tells them lies about me, saying I'm neurotic and crazy etc. well they start to see that I have a very consistent pattern of not starting drama or getting into it.

    Then they see her consistently belittling me.

    Eventually most start to see right through the N. They destroy themselves but you must have patience and must maintain that high road. It has paid off for me and gave me some validation finally.

    I am still in this situation.

    My 'sister' is a full blown malignant N and has attacked me numerous times. Unfortunately, we co-own a house. Her and my 2 nieces live downstairs in the mother in law (separate) and me and my family live up. I have a 20yr old and 7 yr old. It's possible my husband is one too but not convinced yet.

    Anyway the big problem is my 'sister'.

    While we co-own the house, my husband and I have a loan on an addition we put on. Due to his irresponsibility, we are greatly in debt and my hard earned good credit is now shot.

    I want to move out of state and am planning on it as I'm around other N's too. My oldest wants to go and I basically told my husband I'm going, he can come and I'll get him help.

    My sister was trying to push us out last year. The day I came home from my breast biopsy, she emailed me and said "she acquired a condo and would be moving at the end of the month". It was written in this creepy professional language.

    I told her that I didn't have money to move, our credit was shot so we couldn't do anything and more so, I had to go back to the Dr. as they are looking for some change in some cells. She said she didn't care and that it was my own fault we were losers and if I didn't move she would see me in court.

    Turned out she couldn't get a mortgage LOL but she said she would be gone by fall, which she never did anything.

    The entire time I was in the mindset it's time to move no matter what, I need to get out of here! I figured she was going to start up again in spring when the kids got out of school, so I prepared what I could, not everything but best as I can.

    I start getting excited about the move and figured I would get a lawyer maybe he could just do all the dealings with selling the house. After all, once the house was sold, we would get slightly more than half as we have the addition, but the amount we owe on the loan and quite a bit to my Father who helped us get this house, we really have nothing left but bad credit. So I just assumed restart, we just need to rebuild, it's better than living in this hell on earth walking on eggshells 24/7.

    She sent me a text a few days ago asking if I was planning on moving "without informing her" and said that she's not moving for a few more years!

    So I sent a text back stating "I was not informed you had changed your mind. Last I heard you acquired a condo, so we made plans and yes I'm moving in a few months".

    Well that set her off like no tomorrow!

  15. The text I got back "Well you can either buy out my half or I'll see you in court! I just got a new job and can't get a mortgage for a few years. Don't forget last year YOU stopped me from moving and living my life! How does it feel with the tables turned? lol don't get all bitchy when it happens to you!"

    WOW That was the creepiest thing I ever read in my life. She has now told my nieces that I'm ruining their life (she's done this before, the kids are completely getting love bombed and the ex doesn't do too much). She then proceeded to have my younger niece take out a bunch of lava rocks we put out last year and replace them with wood chips!

    Only you guys will understand that because to anyone else they say "Oh for goodness sake, quit talking about it, she's just fixing things to look nice". No she is not! We are moving! Why would you put wood chips in now?

    She also bought her daughter a HUGE trampoline for the yard! So she's going to tell them I don't like the trampoline so I'm moving, I know it!

    I don't know what to do, I need to get out of here but I can't move a house basically by myself with no money, bad credit and an abundance of untreated health problems. I have my own little business and need to take all that, it's my only source of income independently.

    I have got to go though and get these kids away from it, she has caused damage to my kids and I will try to help my nieces once I am out. I don't know what a lawyer will do though, is she going to ask him to force me to stay in a home with abusers...

    oh by the way I forgot to mention she works in the mental health industry /LCPC therapist, but claims some new job as a director with a 'team', yet I've heard she just does administrative work.

    Anyway, she's got cash from ripping off her ex and greedily not spending money on the kids (until about two years ago when she started the gas lighting). She pays for my oldest nieces college now and even got her an apartment, went down there for a frat party (she is 50 btw!). Oh so much.

    I'm sorry for such a long post, I'm just breathing from your posts. Someone gets it, I thought everyone thought I was nuts.

    Does anyone have any suggestions they can refer me to , so I could get some help to get out of here. Maybe a pro bono lawyer or something. I don't know what to do.

    I can tell you what I am doing in the mean time is taking online courses to earn certificates to become a Victim Advocate :D . If I make it out of here, and get settled, I want to do that. I don't want anyone to ever feel like I did and how I do now, alone with no help. I want to be a voice for them.

    I also plan on writing a book about many things that happened to me aside from the N, but mostly to oust these abusers. I've been posting info on narcissism on my FB and have been getting ripped saying to let it go, I"m crazy, why do you post such doom and gloom , etc.

    But I've been saying that I need to post it because it does exist and I have been a target. I also let the N's know that I am aware. Everyone gets mad and says I'm crazy because I don't stop talking about it, but I feel I have every right to talk about it, why should I make MYSELF uncomfortable so the N can feel comfortable? In her own words "tables are turned lol"

    This is a long post and it has a lot more twists but I don't want to take up more space. I'm reading your blogs and website, I feel like that's my life, close to it but so many similarities. Please keep up the good work, I am going to do the same if I am ever free.

  16. (Palm/face.)

    Why start now?! It's workin' so well for ya, I'm not gonna argue with "success" in the form of broke, broken, no feisable alternatives, seeking a pro bono attorney (for what I don't know), a move for which you have no $$ and it"s not your "Fault" or "responsibility" that you find yourself in this situation and you're taking an on-line course to be a "victim advocate."

    I don't think you need a course in representing a "victim." IMO you wrote it.
    Good luck

  17. Nevergiveup, you are cautionary tale of what happens when you take the high road.

    Good luck with that.

    1. I found myself thinking that the rest will wake up and be awed by the consistent behavior to be a fantasy. Nevergiveup, you could waste years with that one. I did. I sucked it up smiled, was a good Christian, bought the presents, and tried to be fair, nice, kind, never stir up trouble except when they directly insulted me but since I was married he was there to protect me, but the backstabbings still continued, it just went COVERT instead of OVERT. I hope you can get out of the house-co owning situation. One thing you won't change the minds of narcs, if they have decided to put you in a scapegoat or other negative role.