Saturday, October 31, 2015

Aspergers on Arthur

Having Aspergers is like living on another planet. The scene where Arthur comes talking in gibberish to the Aspie who crash-landed on the new planet is the story of my life. I can communicate far better then writing each way. There are times neurotypicals confuse me with their small talk especially in groups. I noticed they had the Aspie-astronaut painting and getting some understanding via their interest, interests--those can be a saving grace to Aspies in this world. Art was mine for many years, now I have several. In the other video, that teacher is pretty understanding, most Aspies aren't that blessed. I remember crying in kindergarten being afraid of some huge building blocks and the teacher would put me in the corner. Keep the mimes and "dummies" away from me at that age too. I always like the cartoon Arthur, and have embarrassingly watched it as an adult. I don't have kids to explain why I am sitting there watching. LOL.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Higher Retirement Ages?

Bush Proposes Overhaul of Social Security

One thing, if they do this, then they need to do away with the open and rampant job discrimination. I know people in their late 40s and 50s who can't get jobs. The job system needs changed and the politicians remain as clueless as ever. I don't support a member of the Bush or Clinton Dynasty. Today's retired and old, had better retirements and decent long term jobs. Generation X, we will be eating the can of dog food heated by a candle.

The Truman Show

This feels like a prophetic movie, some would call predictive programming for what happened to people later. Are we "Truman Showing" our own lives on Facebook. I am one to talk writing about my nitty gritty life on a blog....but it's something to think about. The Duggar kids were basically "Truman Showed".

A Profoundly Sick Society

A Profoundly Sick Society

Psychopathy is a personality disorder identified by characteristics such as a lack of empathy and remorse, criminality, anti-social behaviour, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and a parasitic lifestyle (2).
With that definition in mind, look around: the criminal, parasitic activities by bankers that have plunged millions into poverty; the destruction, war and death brought to countries in order that corporations profit by stealing resources; the dropping of atom bombs on innocent civilians in 1945 or the use of depleted uranium which again impacts innocent civilians; and the many other acts, from the use of death squads to false flag terror, that have brought untold misery to countless others just because powerholders wanted to hold onto power or to gain more power, or the wealthy wanted to hold onto their wealth or gain even more.
This is a sicko society and in culture, books, magazines and more the aspects of the sociopath have taken over. Heroines and Heroes seem mean now and no longer moral whatsoever. Will I be crushed in this cold world where they have told people not to have anymore emotions? I need to find a kind country area again even for my soul.  People scare me now. The area I live is the most reticent I've seen ever, but I have nightmares wondering if the rest of the world froze over emotionally while I was gone.  A long distance friend and I talked about how people are so closed down. The emotions are gone. Everything is about saving face. Everything is about showing others up. She said, "It's getting worse, Peep!" I said, "I agreed!".

Politically our world grows worse and more dangerous. Knowing geo-politics can be a scary affair as many countries go to war. We now are in the time of ending 1984 war of Eurasian against Oceania. The fact we have been at wars now that have lasted longer then World War II is never questioned. No one ever asks when are the wars going to end. Anti-war protesters even on the Left have disappeared.

The other day the Hunger Games was on TV, the old movie, and I decided to watch it. I read the books out of curiosity not because they were good. "They already have the hunger games now, I said to my husband, it's kill or be killed even in the metaphorical sense". If those kids had any morals they would refuse to fight and sit down and say "Forget it all!"  The books to me seemed to teach submission to the elites, even by the winners. Why didn't they flick off those cameras and sit down?"They did what they were told with the only "rebellion" being in the end where they both almost ate the poisonous berries at once. Was this movie brainwashing for today's millennials? The elites pit one group above each other. We are told to blame poor people, disabled, other races, 'those people" while the money masters laugh. Money is how they have gotten us to shred each other to bits, with 80% of the population crushed. I said, "I hope God ends this world before they ever have televised games on our TV like in that book and movie."

The Psychopaths are running this asylum.

"Again, bearing this definition in mind too, the acts mentioned above are not those of properly functioning social beings that contribute to a sense of communality, altruism, love or morality; quite the opposite in fact.
Yet this is the type of stuff that is rammed down our throats as constituting normality every day. Whether it’s the ‘Big Brother’ TV show or ‘The Apprentice’ show, these values are promoted day and night. The ‘Big Brother’ winner is the one who can survive and outdo the competition in terms of the duplicity and backstabbing involved along the way. The winner of ‘The Apprentice’ must be more aggressive, more duplicitous, more devious and cunning and more willing to trample over everyone else. And the winner is judged as such by a multi-millionaire who himself was cunning and ruthless enough to have made it to the top of the pile and has amassed millions for his own personal benefit. These are the role models to be admired and emulated!
These are the measures of success, of sanity, of normality.
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti"

                                                                  [picture source]

Read the above paragrah, and think about how someone like Trump is now being taken seriously as a possible president. Sociopathy is loved in this country. Reading People magazine the other day, Trump was in it, and in his opulent living room of vomited Las Vegas style gold and marble pillars, he told the interviewer, how he hasn't cried since he was a child. That's scary to me.
Its true, they are pushing the mind set of psychopathy and sociopathy in our society. Are you confident enough? Are you strong enough? Are you good looking enough? Even women in fiction books, I have read for book groups, seem to be these strong and "silent" types untroubled by one emotion or guilt.  You see it in the fashion magazines where the model stares out on the cover of Vogue with a cold steely stare. How mean can they look? It's not about being nice or kind! Even the focus on beauty and plastic surgery for a "beautiful body" is part of this, where the values for the vain take precedent over any loving kindness.

The three judges on all these contests on reality shows, is more brainwashing for people to be obedient to the system. After all you're always being MEASURED. Sociopaths do nothing but measure you to their bidding and it's a control mechanism. I always had this weird thought, they had three judges for the Inquisition holding rank over religious prisoners who refused the status quo, and now we have the three judge theme repeated over and over on our televisions. "Are you good enough"? Has anyone ever said, Who cares? and "Who are you to judge me? Some of the shows do group punishment and banishment instead. They judge everything from cooking to dance. This is the land of everything is a competition, and it's all about "winning" and being as "cut-throat" as possible and will bring out more sociopathic traits in people.

It isn't just TV. Everything is a competition now. One always has to be constantly "self improving" to be better then before. But it's not just competition with one's self but with others. Very few live anymore, all they do is "aspire" and scramble for the ladder.  It's life not lived for its own sake but under the staring eye of the JUDGES, and not God either but Satan's servants.  Ruthlessness, coldness, suppression of emotions, so your enemies can't win, is the code for that world, and it's taken over. It's everywhere in day to day society. People seem more and more afraid, they worry more about displeasing these JUDGES and "masters of society" then God.

                                                  [picture source]

 Even the social media websites and rest have become about showing off and who has the "happiest" life. While I talk about real life and world events on my wall, this is rare, most are presenting life and "crafting" it even to be "seen". Remember the movie "The Truman show"? How many are changing their life for Facebook so the story reads nicer? Are we falling into a trap in this society where everything is about being noticed? I even have asked myself these questions. It worries me to see this disconnection that seems to be growing with people and where life itself has become a competition, of bucket lists and who has the best looking family or house. What if I wrote on Facebook, "Three days ago we went to the food pantry?" or "My radiator has a hole in it", would there be a tizzy? I wonder how many people grow more depressed going on Facebook for this reason.

True emotions, love and sharing are being destroyed with this garbage. We saw it ourselves in our narcissistic families, there is no love in a group where it's all about competition.  We could not be real or express real emotions or feelings. Sadly these experiences are being replicated in this corrupt society. I think about the sickos who throw their own children or relatives away because they did not accomplish a certain socioeconomic status. In my family competition was everything. My mother was the proud queen of the ball for rising out of farm poverty and having a husband with a high level government job and she didn't let anyone forget it.

Workaholism rules in sociopathic world. I think about other people, one who I have walked away from recently whose entire life is all about their work and rising up. Work becomes their entire life and they craft a persona for it. Work places have become back-stab factories where it seems narcissists and those lacking a conscience hold more positions of power. Some companies and organizations actually seem more busy with gossip or investigating co-workers rather then doing the actual work. That is the fruit of psychopaths who use these things as social controls for their own power within these organizations. Can nice people succeed anymore? Maybe a few out there do but watching what happened to my husband in the world world, I think so less and less.

"Too many people have become “well adjusted to the values of a profoundly sick society,” whether residing in middle Englandmiddle America or the gated communities of south Delhi or Mumbai. Humanity is being beaten down to be neurotic, vicious and to regard these traits as constituting normal, acceptable behaviour. Thanks to the media, this becomes engrained from an early age as comprising ‘common sense’, and those who question it are merely sneered at or ridiculed by a system that promotes a mass mindset immune to its own lies.
Whether this is all due to psychopathy, narcissism or ‘Machiavellian personalities’ is open to debate. Moreover, as implied at the outset, historical and sociological factors often compel usually decent people to act in terrible ways. The debate within academic sociology between structure and human agency is after all a very long one (5). Whatever the underlying reason, however, as a global community we are being force fed a diet of perverse values and destructive actions, all spuriously justified on the basis that ‘there is no alternative’ and ‘needs must’.   
Corporate capitalism, consumerism, the new world order, a war on terror (or drugs or poverty, take your pick), neo-liberalism – call it what you will, but it’s all based on the filthy lie that those in control have wider humanity’s interests at heart. They don’t. By any means possible – war, murder, torture or propaganda, they seek to convince people otherwise. What price human life? None whatsoever for such people."

These sick traits are spreading worldwide. England, other countries, the "globalist" culture is a dsytopian one of control and the emotion-less. The power controllers want obedient serfs, they want peons fighting one another. They want people who want their spirits destroyed under the demands for perfect bodies, and to sell their souls for money and baubles. They reward those who do evil works, with ranks, titles and wealthy level salaries, while oppressing and silencing the people still with hearts and souls. Sadly the coldness and traits of sociopaths have become the traits this society sells as "common sense" and the characteristics someone needs for "success". This article is absolutely correct.  I lived in a world where my narcissists told me I was too sensitive, and idealistic, and would smack me for it. Think about that for a minute. 

One huge disappointment for me was going out into the world and learning the people like my parents ruled this world.  Maybe this happened to you. That was scary. Maybe too as ACONs we know too readily how this world really works. Too many are becoming evil to become successful in and to be with this world. There is a reason Jesus Christ preached that the world would hate those who followed God.   Sadly it seems to be getting worse. This was a great article, and she lays out the truth about where this world is going.

2 Timothy 3 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those tht are good. Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasure more then lovers of God.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Michael Jackson: They Don't Care About Us

Michael Jackson had a lot of challenges, he had a very abusive father and the system affected him too in very negative ways.

However you could tell in the music, he was sneaking out some truth, in saying "They Don't Care about Us" in speaking about the powers that be in this world. Probably one reason he didn't last very long.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Peep's Personal Red Flag List to Warn of Predators

This is my personal list, these will be the details beyond the known factors of narcissists and sociopaths... We know already about their entitlement, coldness, lack of empathy, these are other red flag signs beyond those. Some of these red flags will be personal to me and my personality:

1. They whine about cleaning and tell you that your apt or house isn't clean enough. Next time I hand them the broom while they whine about how messy my apartment is. If they don't clean they can leave.

2. Things fail to get done. They tell you one thing and make promises that never happen. They are undependable, and there is always an excuse.

3. They are good "boy scouts" and "girl scouts" who insist on the rules but then you notice they never follow the same said rules and always get their needs met.

4. They never go without an unmet need. If someone has never lost a job in their entire life or had one set back--be careful of catching any innocents in this net but every narcissist I knew never lost a job. [This may not apply the parasitical types] Be careful of people who have always gotten every need met in their entire life. This applies to my sociopathic mother. She never has gone without one dollar she has wanted.

5. Watch out for constant criticism.

6. If they approach you with the attitude of "fixing you", run like hell and never look back. Don't listen to talk of "deliverance" prayers, or "you need to volunteer" more. Avoid those who act as if they have a direct dial to God. New and baby Christians need to be especially wary of religious narcissists. ACONs because of our upbringing, can become prey to the "fixers" who see your inherent lack of self-worth prior to recovery.

7. Avoid those who pity you. Pity sucks. It will drive your self esteem lower then hell. The do-gooder pity patrol while you think they will "help you" and sometimes one or two may meet a physical need, the price isn't worth it. The disabled need to be on guard for this one especially.

8. They repress you. If they tell you things like go watch a movie or read a nice book every time you tell them anything sad, run like hell. At the very least, keep them separate as a "public friend" or friendly acquaintance where you share nothing deep. Your emotions bother them. That's what they are telling you. We know too the malignant narcissists who use emotions to abuse.

9. Avoid people who see every problem as "solvable". If you have problems that are not solved, they may treat you badly for them.

10. Avoid people who see everything as a competition. Such types are willing participants in the "American Hunger Games" on different levels. A sub-set here would be various sell-outs who do not mind selling their souls for careers or engaging in evil things for world success. If your friend works for a GMO-manufacturing company or counts body bags and machine guns for war or does PR for a guy like Lex Luther, maybe reconsider things.

11. Shut the door in the face of those who sneer and get jollies upon the sufferings of others. If you meet someone and you start wondering why everyone else they know is a "loser" or "crazy" since they dog everyone out, realize you can be next on the list for a new smear campaign. Double warning for anyone who cheers about anyone getting committed like my relatives.

12. People who buy presents to shut you up or get you to "get back in line" are no good. Being bought off is not being respected. Same as when my NM tried to offer me a used car the very day I went no contact. She knew I feared lacking transportation. Abusive husbands are known to buy flowers for their abused wives, well this can happen in other contexts with narcissists.

13. If you raise issues and they dance around topics, and don't answer anything directly be wary. The dancing as fast as they can game is often done for confusion.

14. If you have someone in your life, you are around all the time or talk to for many hours and then you don't really know them, and they don't really know you, then ask yourself if you are simply narcissistic supply for this person?

15. Be careful of being the counselor or counselee. I have to avoid the trap of seeking counseling and too much help from friends. I don't mind counseling friends but then if someone is calling you everyday 5-6 times a day where you are ready to send them a therapy bill, then rethink things there.

16. If people assault your values, or tell you that you must be silent about your beliefs or they ban discussions of certain topics, it is time to walk. They don't respect you. I don't expect everyone to agree with me about everything either. With the toxic, many expect 100% agreement to earn their respect. It's a waste of time. A subset here, is when you bring issues up or talk about things they flat out ignore and change the subject as if you were talking to a wall.

17. If they share nothing of themselves and you realize you have told them so much about yourself while you barely know anything, then wake up in that case too. My NM withheld her whole life about everything except telling me to clean or criticizing.

18. Watch out for love-bombers. Many will come on fast, and compliment you and tell you how wonderful you are. Good friends will compliment you too, but in their cases it lasts. Many a narcissist and sociopath set up is done with extreme love bombing. False churches and cults use love bombing to get people in the door.

19. Ask yourself, "How does this person treat me when other people are there?" If they disrespect you or avoid you in front of other people be careful. This is a red flag I ignored YEARS ago with one ex-friend. She almost seemed to act like she did not know me in crowded public rooms. If a friend betrays you in mixed company online or in real life this is another red flag that something is not right. If they make jokes about you in front of other people, get away from them.

20. Do they enjoy things? People who never enjoy anything or have no hobbies, that is something to watch out for. Life as a cold austerity plan sucks. Some of those types only care about work and competition.

21. Will they eat your food? If the answer is No, be careful. They be a narcissistic  someone of an upper class who sees you as riff-raff for having a less then new kitchen.

22. Do they tell you constantly what to feel or to say or do or not do? Then you are dealing with a controller. Of course all friends offer advice, but here, be careful of those who tell you what to do all the time. When that starts, they are already not satisfied, and can't be.

23. Do they tell you to deny reality or preach the positivity gospel at any cost? Do they tell you that a miracle is always one prayer away or all your problems will be solved if you just have enough faith? Run. They will damage your relationship with God selling you false Disney land narcissistic dreams.

24. Are they so much into sports nothing else exists? If someone loves the Cubs or goes to see the Yankees that's great, but sports obsession is something else.

25. Do they constantly criticize others?  Run there too.

26. Are they a workaholic always putting work and aspirations first and foremost? If you visit someone and the visit from out of town was planned for weeks, and they spend nearly hour working on a work project instead of focusing on your visit, then that is time to wake up too.

27. Do they only call when they need something and otherwise ignore you.

28. Are they mean to wait staff?  If they argue with waitresses like my Dad did because there is one too few ice-cubes in their drink I am gone.

29. Do they growl at children and kick dogs? I don't have animals but people who are mean to animals, run! Do they have road rage? Every male narc in my family had such intense road rage, steam would come out of their ears. Do they drive like a bat out of hell and like every other driver is in their way?

30. Do they seem to revel in the misfortunes of others, glorying in Betty's cancer, or Charlie's bankruptcy? If the whole attitude is , "Oh boy" instead of "Poor Betty or Charlie". Watch out.

31. Do they hate poor people? Do they practice social Darwinism believing that poor and old people should go die in the gutter?

32. Do they respect you? If they do not or you even suspect there is no respect. Pay attention!

No one is perfect including me, but I am developing a list in my head of WHAT to avoid and red flags to avoid in would-be predators. Maybe you can add to this list too.

The Charlie Brown School of Dance

Friday, October 23, 2015

Why am I going Hyperthyroid All of A Sudden?

I was on .475 of Synthroid for over 10 years. I then had a doctor up it to .500 when I was having my TSH go hypothyroid a bit, and felt lethargic.  I've been on .500 for about a year and half. My doctor told me today now I have gone hyperthyroid to the max, so much so, my Synthroid dose is being dropped to 100 until it aligns itself.  Could going on insulin which brought back periods in a woman with severe PCOS, do something to the thyroid as well? I'm kind of shocked since it doesn't seem I have lost much weight, and while I have felt more jittery, I didn't go on a hyperthyroid energy binge. My blood pressure was creeping up too after many years of being very controlled. It scares me to be going on such a low dosage of Synthroid, weight gain and all, but I know hyperthyroidism doesn't do one any favors. Does anyone have hypothyroid who goes the opposite way? My sugars are odd too, I am on Lantus and some days I'm even getting ones like 99 and 96 while other days range from 127-102 and that's like a science project. Too little food even and they can be higher. Yes that is weird. Maybe in some ways my health is improving. I am not sure yet. Maybe being away from my NM is bringing my endocrine system more into alignment. Yeah one can dream can't they?

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Article Rerun: Seeing Through The Obesity Lies

I wrote this article "Seeing Through The Obesity Lies" in 2012. Nothing has improved. Society still advances the sickening two step, "diet and exercise and supposedly be thin, and on the other side "fat acceptance" that denies the pain and suffering that goes with fat especially in it's extreme forms. Others have joined Wann since 2012 in advancing the ideological fat acceptance message that denies reality such as Ragen Chastain who matches Wann in being midsized and relatively healthy. This "fat activist" even brags of doing Ironmans. How many severely obese people are lining up for 100 mile bicycle rides paired with 2 miles of swimming? It's not even realistic.

While we are poisoned and fattening up--as I grow older, I can see with my own eyes that more people are growing bigger, the truth is sequestered under the self-responsibility at any cost crowd and the "fat and healthy" HAES and fat acceptance crowd. Only a few researchers are pursuing any truth as most of society remains insane and delusional about fat. 

I know people may find it harder to understand a woman that automatically can't be pidgeon holed into the right and left paradigms they now bombard us with from the boob tube. Surely the long term readers of this blog, have figured out I am neither a Republican nor Democrat nor do I fit I suppose what is the *average" way of thinking out there. Why would I think like an average person? I am not an average person by no means, even with the weight gain, I became instantly a misfit  not by choice, I would find acceptance in some circles, but that is not a life experience that leads one to shut off their brain.  Once someone is thrown outside the box, you get to look in it, and notice what is screwed up big picture wise!

I have questioned for at least a couple years, what we are being told about obesity. It seems while there are some researchers like Lustig and others trying to get the truth out there about obesity where they are telling the truth about it NOT being a failure of will-power and how the very basics of our food and life have been changed over the last thirty years to create a toxic environment, it is so hard to get the crowbar out and wrench people away from the false automatic viewpoints that lead them to ignore what HAS changed.

Even in the fat world, we got the two sides just like we have the two fake parties advancing globalism and the dismantling of the America economy when it comes to obesity we have "the good cop" side of extreme "size acceptance"--"learn to love your fat, accept your new fat reality and be happy about it" vs. the "bad cop" Diet industrial complex: "You obese people are lazy sloths and gluttons and responsible for your horrible bodies gone amuck!".

Yes, I do feel like the lone voice out there though there are some supporters and those who think the way I do, our point of view isn't getting the dominant air play. I guess well because there's no one to profit from it. And while there are some sincere researchers who make an occasional appearance who want to get to the root of the obesity problem and actually HELP people, I dare say there are many who will NEVER ALLOW this to happen. Some can cry 'conspiracy theory", but I always found that the most silliest of terms, as if conspiracies are not exposed nightly on our news, where corruption and greed rule?

What is there for someone like me to gain from either side?

NOTHING but my own demise and as I have stated NO TRUTH.

I was even thinking about the whole W.H.O. obesity thing and the way they use the obesity epidemic for other agendas and while I believe obesity rates are increasing, why do people keep turning to more answers that do not work? What do they plan to do with us fat people? I dare say things will get tougher as the indoctrinated types scream about those who do not share "their resources" properly. [see comments on this article ] Fat people will be seen as the new "anti-greens". Images of Animal Farm coupled with scenes of 1984 and LOL one commenter's phrase "Ration Czar" go streaming through my head.

I hate fat shaming as much as anyone, but then I read Marilyn Wann's response to the Weight of the Nation video, which went along side the HAES response and thought to myself -- Unbelieveable!:

"Weight of the Nation Serves Up More Fat Shame"

I attended the first, government-sponsored Weight of the Nation conference in 2009. I didn't pay or anything self-defeating like that. I just walked in (with a brave friend or two) and delivered plastic-wrapped fortune cookies to the fancy luncheon tables where major stakeholders were about to chew on the alleged "obesity" problem. If the professional food scolds took a cookie, they got messages like these:
The war on "obesity" is a war on PEOPLE!
The No. 1 threat to fat people? Your unexamined prejudice.
What's the word for science that serves bigotry? Hint: It starts with "you."
If you can't imagine fat people being healthy...that's YOUR pathology!
Tell people to lose weight if you want to endanger public health AND civil rights!
How many fat people must you starve, poison, slice up? Celebrate weight diversity now! 

As this world goes more nuts, I look at the two sides of the obesity world and think they have all lost their minds. We got the people committed to repeating previous failure over and over and then we got the Fat doesn't affect health size acceptance nuts.  I am dying from obesity, but supposedly a "war" on the adipose tissue is a war on PEOPLE. Funny that. I find it ironic how Wann brings up Orwellian anything as she states in her article

One thing about Orwell's world, is in 1984, the Ministry of Truth dealt with anything but, it was an agency to produce lies. Orwell himself, reworked the "newspeak" for the sake of Big Brother. I personally am a fan of Orwell having even read his books Down and Out in Paris and London and Shooting an Elephant. So what do I think when I see the above? Like Marilyn Wann is the obesity "minister of truth-1984 style? After all my truth isn't allowed in her worldview. Weight does affect health and anyone who claims otherwise is simply being absurd.Not all of those who want to help fat people HATE THEM.

As for things like Weight of the Nation, do not think I defend those who push the same diet industrial corporate answers that haven't worked for 40 years.

But when Marilyn Wann, asks these questions, I guess I'd take a crack at them myself...

This list doesn't include the plentiful state and local efforts to eradicate fat people. Clearly, for at least the past 60 years, fat people have not been welcome in America.

I always hate language that is manipulative.

"Eradicate fat people"?....that is a bit of hyperbole. This is how Marilyn Wann advances her agenda,  to defend the FAT rather then the people themselves. Because even if people lost weight and there was a non-maiming actual obesity cure or help that worked without harm, fat people would not be eradicated, they would still be here, but just smaller. Sheesh.

Officially. The weight blame goes either to fat people personally, to the environment, or both. Either way, two-thirds of us (and at least a fifth of our children) aren't welcome here. Though unwelcome, we're sure useful as easy targets.

Hmm Marilyn Wann makes a nod to the environment. Know that she is talking about the latest discussion and research related to the Obesogenic "environment". Discussed multiple times on this blog and in those articles about the latest obesity research. Guess that one surprised me.  Well it would seem that the newer research about the toxins in our food and world and how these things have come to work together to upset the metabolic system, that Marilyn Wann would actually be able with some logic to say "I care about fat people and want them the healthiest they can be, and if people are having their metabolisms altered by adulterated food, and toxins in the environment that is something that should be stopped". I guess I am a dreamer aren't I?  These community activist rabble rouster types do seem to lose sight of what should be their focus.

When the initial frenzy of Weight of the Nation has calmed down -- after everyone has enjoyed this round of hating fat people and there's been a healthy boost to budgets, profits, viewership, and ad revenue -- I predict we'll hit the same wall that every dieter encounters: the return to reality.

I suggest that reality is not so bad. To keep a grip, ask yourself:

Would you question the motives behind any other national PR campaign designed "for your own good" by major media, corporations, and the government?

1. I guestion the motives of PR campaigns in general. I know the diet industry wants their profits, but then I question the motives of the OTHER SIDE. Why do some seem so focused on honoring FAT itself so much above the people who are carrying it around? And that is supposed to be  the spokeswomen FOR fat people?

 I actually wonder where did Marilyn Wann COME FROM? Why did she garnish so much attention with a simplistic unchanging message? I know she went to Stanford but little else. I read her zine Fat?So! in the 90s and it seemed to be an independent enterprise, but why do so many of her thoughts seem to fit so drastically to a rigid ideological line? Why has she not grown since the 1990s and keeps repeating the same lines over and over, even ones that have been disproven?

I am the type of person who does even examine myself as to my own views. I think applying new information to your viewpoints is imperative to being a well-informed person, so how does Marilyn Wann just wipe away all the new studies about the "environment" and says "Not important"? Doesn't she realizes that such a view SERVES the very corporations she questions? After all there isn't going to anyone asking about any endocrine disrupters now is there? How about being able to purchase food at cheaper prices that isn't laden with extreme amounts of sugar or high fructose corn syrup? How about letting people demand better products? A populace that woke up about what they were buying food wise would be a healthier group of people.

if it were any topic other than weight (where you might feel vulnerable), would you be so quick to believe the numbers they cite to justify a "War on [Whatever]"? (Most egregious exaggerations: "Fat people cost 'us' billions!" "Everyone's going to be really fat!" "Our children won't live as long!")

2. One just has to look around and know that obesity rates growing. In the 1980s, finding a size 22 anything was rare, I remember, because I hit that size in high school!  There are so many people above that size now, it's not funny.  I see children who are far fatter then I was even at their age. There is usually one or two people who reach my size even now when I go out in public I come across and viewing others my size in the 1990s was far rarer but now more common. How does Marilyn Wann except me to believe that America is becoming THINNER? Are we to suspend belief even when it comes to OUR OWN EYES?

Would you rather trust your own judgment about what's good for you or get swept along by the latest fruitless panic?

3. Yes, I would rather trust my own judgment when it comes to either false side, I refuse to be joined with the fat haters and refuse to join the other "refuse to deal with reality" side. As for "panic", people know for a fact that obesity can HURT them. I am not talking mild midsized stable weights but when one gets to my size or even the 300s and 400s, there is a price to be paid. As for the obesity epidemic, their looking to the past solutions, that have failed thus far is a waste of everyone's time. Why is Marilyn Wann so busy shoving this under the carpet, basically saying, "nothing to see here"? She is crazy if she thinks anyone outside of her unthinking size acceptance fans are going to buy the obesity hasn't increased line. All people have to do is look to their own memories.

Oh when you get on the article link, check out the comments, some interesting stuff on there.....


I took this photo the other day.

So Why Do You Think Fat is a CHOICE?

I read this over on Fat Logic. I don't post anymore since I am banned. These are the people who are standing against the fat and advancing the false answers. It is probably the nemesis board to this blog. LOL Hey if I am going to affect any thinking I have to research the "other side". Warning there is graphic medical descriptions and of severe obesity in the post.

I took care of a "Death Fat".

I want to ask the smug and thin on that board why do they think anyone would CHOOSE to be that way? That's the thing, I don't get about these people, they think being fat is a choice. And stupidly think some exercise and perfect eating will make people thin.

 I'm actually scared to eat because of my diabetes, I lowered my caloric intake even MORE, and I don't see any weight coming off. It could be. I am able to walk faster and better while on the walker for balance and can now do small stores and other places which were IMPOSSIBLE for years but then I had shock of my life last time I was weighed and I was the exact same. If my COPD acts up it does affect my walking, and I went walking along a train station the other day hacking up my lungs. So one question for this nurse, why on earth do you think that man would CHOOSE that? Who would want to SUFFER like THAT?

I was in the extreme fat death category, nearly 700lbs and was so fat I could not breathe. There was a two year period where I could not even lay flat and gasped for air at night in bed. I weighed 508 three months ago. I have gone as low as 450lbs and was 480lbs 2 years ago. This was all via medical care. This means I have lost technically at one point almost 250lbs. I know what it is even to struggle with pressure sores. I have never lost my mobility but many severely fat people do. I fight for mine everyday. I never wanted to be this fat. I didn't choose it. It sucks, everyday I wake up and wish I had a normal body. Some may say but "Peep you have four conditions that affect obesity, your body is full of fluids and altered fat cells even from stage IV Lipedema."  How do we know that man doesn't have something wrong with him like I do? Maybe he is undiagnosed. Obviously something is wrong with him!

The dieting crap doesn't work. The exercise crap doesnt work. I exercise to stay mobile. One knee injury or a fall could take me out and I know it. This man is fat enough where this is not a "dieting" issue. I am fortunate in the area, most medical professionals do treat me with dignity and respect. In fact replacing the medical care I have here, if we  end up moving is a huge concern.  It scares me a nurse is so narrow-minded about what the human body can do. The ones who think like this nurse scare me. No one's body is operating normally when they are 700lbs. Obviously on this blog, I do not agree with fat acceptance that says being fat is something good.

Their hatred of super-fat people is scary, and it's all based in this lie that super obesity is a choice.

Fat Logic Useful Idiots for the Fat Gulag

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Taking out the Narcissist Trash

                                                           [picture source]

Taking out the narcissist trash.....

No contact has changed me. I am putting up with less abuse from people. Yesterday, I kicked someone off a social website for mocking me about eating out and unfriended and blocked him. I thought to myself, "This guy always treated people like crap, why am I even talking to him here?". So out he goes. This guy was always mean and sarcastic to everyone. He had this snide sense of humor and also extreme libertarian politics where he thought there should be no welfare and everyone poor should go into the gutter. His profession was a gun smith. I didn't understand why some guy who even lost his house and who lived in a dying rural community, the one I was forced to leave, believes in the bankers so much but you can see the brainwashing full front and center. Much of the right has led poor rural people to embrace their own demise, using the "self-reliant" gospel as they rob the place. This is why you have seen unions be the first to go in some poor states.

I'm was friends with him on Facebook because he was in a co-op group for a music and art center, I and my husband used to be in. I have 10 mutual friends with the guy. One thing the toxic always seem to go for the "weight juggernaut". It is such a ready one in this society.  Piss someone off and happen to be fat? They will have no problem picking where to go for the insults. My husband unfriended him too for disrespecting me. One can end up in this extended taking out the narcissist trash mode for some time even a couple years after no contact.

I do think about all the crud I put up with from people for years. I wanted to be "nice", but the "doormat" is changing and refusing to be a doormat. One can be taking out the narcissist trash for years when they go no contact from their original abusers. The implications of having a sociopathic mother and a narcissistic father that protected me from no one and where I didn't learn to protect myself until recently are lasting for decades late into my life.

I'm walking away from anyone I deem mean. Sometimes there seems to be a lot of narcissists out there. Fat insulters are getting kicked to the curb immediately.

Does Weight Discrimination Kill?

Dr Sharma asked...

Does Weight Discrimination Kill?

I wrote this:

"Yes it does kill. It took me 17 years to be diagnosed with Lipedema Stage IV. Along the way, I had sepsis at least three times from leg and other infections that almost took me out. If I had been treated at the right point in time instead of being told to “go home” and lose weight, then my life could have gone very different. Same for my hypothyroidism which the diagnosis got so delayed on, I have heart damage from it. PCOS was the icing on the cake too. Many fat people are dying now because the medical establishment clings to their “diet and lose weight formulas” which are objectively failing and the science bias continues. The stress of weight discrimination kills too, but over the longer haul. Poverty too comes for those who are fat enough not to “fit in” even if they are healthy and mobile enough to work. Something needs done about all this. The discrimination is even steering the science away from any real cure."

Sparky's Pen

Sunday, October 18, 2015

The Trials of Life

 My brother almost died in the hospital again this week. His lungs filling with water from a rare complication of open heart surgery. We have stayed in contact which is good. I knew what was happening from Facebook. He did call today. I keep my mouth shut about my mother as much as possible with him and it's not being brought up. Why let her destroy this relationship too? She's done so much damage to them all. At least he seems to be doing better now and is out of the woods That is good!. I feel depressed it's been so long since we have seen each other but I told myself not to blame myself.  There's been no money to see him or his kids. I wondered all week if he would make it so this week was very hard.  I made the mistake of googling the illness he had and it was a 50 percent death rate and above! Well at least he didn't seem to know this. It's good they didn't tell him. He even got cellulitis too in one of his surgery sites where they took out a vein for the heart. Modern medicine sometimes does succeed in saving lives. I hope he will be okay still though he is stable now. Please stay alive dear brother, do not leave me alone with the two cold witches. 

The hours of my medical routine wear me down. The motivation is to stay alive, so it has to be done but I'm tired.  I have to take my pills. I have to wrap my legs. I have do this and that. Everything takes too long. Sometimes you think, "Shouldn't there be more to life?" Inside the thought inside my head is "I DON'T WANT TO". What is wrong with me? I don't know. I have to force myself to do everything. Is this real physical fatigue? I'm not sure. I'm so exhausted. I want to stay in bed all day. I want to cry looking at all the things that need cleaned in here.  I had a funny day-dream about being Snow White and commanding the animals of the forest to clean up my apartment, it didn't happen.

My husband once he gets out of bed will go on his computer, to make what little money he can scrape up. Wage slavery in the face of a screen. At least he isn't being abused by customers at McDonalds or having a teen manager scream at him to mop faster while his gout filled legs fall from underneath him.  The dribbles and drabs feed us literally like the proofreading money that should come in this week to pay for some groceries. I have 10 dollars in my wallet. This nice friend did buy me lunch yesterday. I wish I could do things for other people like that. It's sad how I am always the one in need and have been for years. I owe back 100s of favors and good deeds.

I woke up with a severe Meniere's attack yesterday. My hearing dropped by at least half. The ear ringing was so loud it was like my head was getting sand blasted off. Maybe it was a mistake to use some canned soup in a recipe but actually fall with it's weather changes and spring too can bring worsened attacks. I took a water pill at 5am. I started peeing and once I was up past the early stages of vertigo, some of my hearing returned. I haven't felt right all week. It has felt harder to stay upright. Why get drunk when your head can spin without the booze? It was so bad I wondered how high I'd have to turn my hearing aids up. I have read this illness can cause depression and extreme fatigue on it's own. I kept getting spells of vertigo all week. The day before I knew something was seriously wrong, I almost fell asleep in the car while we were grocery shopping.  It was a warning sign for me since I have had these before. I couldn't focus my eyes on things properly. I knew something was wrong and what awaited me.

After the sink plugged up last night, I started shouting and cussing.  Its hard enough to keep things clean in here and I've needed help for years. I was ranting and raving so much and mocking bad plumbers and about "bastards" who expect super-skinny narrow pipes to work and about people who never have heard of garbage disposals, my husband started laughing his butt off. When I am pissed, I guess I can turn it all into a comedy routine. Why is plumbing so bad and stuck in the technology of  a 100 years ago. Why are apartments notorious for plugged drains? Make the pipes bigger you idiots!

I told my husband apply for this job he found on line. It's a long shot. Probably nothing will come of it, but it's one of those occasional shots in the dark. Getting decent jobs now are like winning the Lotto.  It would require a move but a friend lives in one of the cities the job is in and he could live there to make sure the job would turn out. Why do jobs have to be so hard to get? Should he beg in the cover letter, please let me have a life and don't let me be destroyed?. Why not do a website called GO JOB ME? People can beg for jobs instead of cash then!

 I feel too tired to move and wonder if he can handle it too physically but if you are having to show up at the food pantry almost every other week, something has to be done. Poverty is like a rising tide, and you realize you are drowning. How many times have I had to move to escape the streets? Three?  It's another gamble. I tell him. "Do not give up. You have a college degree and some experience. You used to be an assistant editor at a newspaper." We do not have to go sit in the streets. We are going today to have him check the train schedules to manage any interviews. His work at home just matched minimum wage and subsistence level. It went no where. It never offered real pay. With the prices shooting up, it's not working anymore.   He has to get something with insurance or I slide through the cracks. Will anyone hire a 51 year old? He has to eliminate all the dates on his resumes.

I imagine armies of thin, wealthy suited up job applicants with newer cars with unbroken windshields shoving my husband aside. If he got a job, he would have to take out a loan just to get decent enough clothes to wear to it. His wardrobe has suffered immensely since the clothes at thrift are even smaller among the yuppie class. This job is a writing dominant job, which is the only reason he is applying. The job system sucks, the whole thing needs changed. You shouldn't punish people for not having jobs when the stupid thing is run like the Lotto. Why couldn't we ever have any stability or security?

Inside I feel in emergency mode. Get rid of this crap. Maybe we need to move in a rented room for a while. Where would my medical equipment fit? The rent is taking more then half my check. They cut all our benefits so even buying food got tougher and tougher and now I'm getting tons of medical bills.  I'm eating things like boxed macaroni and cheese. The veggie stand filled some of the gaps but now as we move into fall it will be closing. Just having food shouldn't take so much work. One lady at the food pantry started shouting, "why do we have to get food from these people we don't even know?" I wanted to join her rant and rave. I started talking about how I was too poor to be acceptable for any of the churches around here and this one older man, told me he doesn't go to church either because he is too poor and they treated him badly as well. I said, "Real church families would be helping their own poor". One can see the lack of social connection everywhere. It disappears for the poor faster. I often think things would have gone far different with my family if I had decent money and a standard of living. I still would be no contact now but my relationships with the others would be stronger.

I ran crying into the bathroom, sniffling about the IRS taking away my social security, and becoming homeless, when my husband assured me their threats of a liens was different from a levy and we had nothing for them to put a lien against since our car is so old. The 20 percent tax rate for self employment is led to all this. They don't care how poor you are. They sent more papers for our "Offer of Compromise" to fill out. We have been forced do endless paperwork. Is it that hard to realize we are poor. I hope they aren't able to take advantage of the fact we can't afford a tax lawyer!

Our car is dying. I hope to get money to replace one of the tires this week from a discount tire place. The muffler is almost falling off it and it's loud. The radiator now has a leak. We may be able to fix the tire that needs filled every 4 days next week but what about the rest of it? We have realized with horror the bus doesn't show up too often in our neck of the woods, it's busier serving the ghetto area. Living among the rich as we do, it just doesn't come out here.  It's a small enough town that you call for the bus. It didn't pick us up even after three hours one day and we had to give up. That's going to make my life nearly impossible.

 A one way cab trip to where the medical center is would cost ten dollars. I applied for Para-transit and got turned down. Will I have to file a lawsuit to get the bus to show up one day?  If we lose the car, we will descend from bad but tolerable poverty to destitute poverty, the poverty I had in Chicago. The poverty were just getting somewhere becomes hell on earth and you are always trapped. I'd sooner give up the apartment then the car to be honest. There is a reason I had to hitchhike years ago.

Is there some magic formula to making money we didn't get the notice on? The Richie Riches around here make me nauseous with their pity or their disdain. I feel like screaming into a pillow. Around them I feel less than human, I can't take it or them anymore. I need to find a community that has other poor people in it. I'm tired of feeling like a nobody. I feel tired of being shamed by them. I'm tired of these fake Christians and their holiness based on their upper middle class lives and pretensions. I have realized this place has taken a massive toll on us even emotionally. I worry about my husband. I want him to have a decent future too.

 Why is God ignoring my prayers. I asked Him "Do not allow me to be financially destroyed and homeless allowing the narcissists to "win".  Will He answer? He answered regarding my brother. I don't want to die in a heap of pathos.  I don't want the answer to almost everything to be NO.  I want my husband to be happy too.


Patrick Deuel-Half Ton Man

This video is a little old. Warning there is some light nudity, why can't they let some of these fat people wear some sheets or something?  It seems to focus on "overeating" a lot though definitely some portrayed have eating addictions, that advances the same non-answers. This isn't all fat people. Richard Simmons makes his annoying appearance at the 22 marker. I always feel bad seeing these other fat people struggle so badly. Many of these names that show up in this video we knew in the 1990s and 1980s.

Bad Plumbing

Has any of this ever worked for you?

When you are poor the plumbing is always bad. My life has been plagued with bad plumbing. In Chicago, brown water poured from the ceiling and the super there yelled at me for tossing chicken bones down the sink. We hadn't eaten chicken all week! In the next apartment the bathtub would back up and the water would turn black. Bad plumbing and a lower socioeconomic status go hand in hand.

 I tried reading manuals from the library to fix some of this garbage but the maze of pipes under my sink didn't match the books I checked out. I have felt helpless to the max. We had the maintenance man come and fix the sink on Friday and he complained about grease clogging up the drain. I never pour grease down the drain, so where did it come from? He said it could be from upstairs.

 Anyhow the sink and dishwasher are backed up again. I drained some noodles and some fell in the sink. These were skinny little noodles! Did they do it?Well I can't eat those noodles again even paired with chicken breast and veggies they made my blood sugar too high but eating dinner at 9:30 pm probably didn't help. I am sure the maintenance man will be outraged to be back in our apartment struggling with the endless clogging sink. If I counted the times it has clogged up, I would say it is an average of once every two months. They will come and fix it but pipes the diameter of a hair don't help. Who made such horrible plumbing? My husband says it was "state of the art" for the 1960s. I dread them needing to fix it yet again. Can anyone suggest a book that will teach me how to fix plumbing? Even youtube doesn't work and even using one of those plastic thingies with the sprogs leaves the sinks still plugged up.

Sometimes I have nightmares about the plumbing. Once in this apartment, a water heater broke upstairs and a deluge of water started pouring in. I was running to grab my stamp collection and computers almost evacuating like for a fire. Other times the sinks have made noises like the pipes themselves led to hell and demons were trying to get out and weird black stuff burbled up. The bathtub has drain on it that constantly clogs up and I shower always with water up to my ankles that takes time go down the drain. Don't take good plumbing for granted!

Fat Women in the 1940s

Photo by Helen Levitt

Sunday, October 11, 2015

"You're Crazy!" When the Scapegoat is Labeled Insane

This happened to me. 

To understand this article in context make sure you read: Aunt Confused.

One insidious way a scapegoat is destroyed by a narcissist is their mental health is maligned. This will be another heavy post as this is something I am pondering lately. Many of these soul murderers will actually do things meant to drive someone to insanity and then they can play "rescuer" swoop in or use someone's break down or mental health problems to feed. They want you weakened and want you under their control. When someone is seen as "crazy", the rest of the world automatically devalues you. The entire family will then reject the scapegoat and take nothing they say seriously. You are the "crazy" and "bad" one. You are "insane." 

Many scapegoats have gone through this, where one very horrible thing our abusers do, is tell people we are crazy so they do not believe us or disregard what we have to say about the abuse we are going through. There are many scapegoats and abused people who end up in the mental hospital. Some get ill from the abuse and are driven to severe mental health problems and suicide via the attempted soul murder done to them.  While others are maligned and are deemed "mentally ill" by sociopaths and narcissistic abusers who want to destroy their reputations, fire-bomb their lives and even send them into involuntary commitment situations.

                                                                  [picture source]

 In the past, when someone could end up in the mental hospital for years, put away Frances Farmer style, this would destroy an entire life. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Nightmares out of the pits of hell would break bodies, souls and minds. Don't think for a minute that the instigators of Satan's destruction didn't have people handed over to memory destroyers via shock treatments or being drugged into oblivion. The psychological world has helped many via counseling and even medication for chemical brain problems but there is a lot not to be trusted either. There are some great evils that have been instigated via the psychological world.

Keep in mind, even what happened to the Kennedy's daughter--Rosemary, the one who got a lobotomy and literally had her mind, body and brain destroyed by her wicked parents. When I read this story about Rosemary in People magazine, I burst out in tears. I was horrified. Those who have powerful and connected narcissistic parents are that much more in danger because those parents have the connections to doctors, judges, and lawyers that can readily ruin and destroy a life. Some are part of "good ole boy" networks, and corruption as well. Many of the sociopathic elite "successful" often have a scapegoat or "sacrifice" in the mix. Reading this article about Rosemary's mother hounding her about her weight even after having her brain cut up via doctors at her parent's orders, screams narcissists!

Rosemary, definitely showed signs of cognitive problems which left her more as prey to the narcissists. Even with my Aunt Scapegoat, her learning disabilities and deficients left her as more vulnerable prey to a narcissist family. I had a high enough IQ to take refuge in books and go "inward" and "fight back".  She did not. There definitely was the fat hatred and abuse too in Rosemary's case. There was whole taint of "You'll make the whole family look bad!" when it came to Rosemary's weight. Everyone knows the story of how both Kennedy parents were concerned that she was getting boyfriends, too and one thinks there too, they feared a scandal and wanted to "protect" their "good name".

                                                                                      [picture source]

This is Narcissism 101 garbage, when one considers an evil woman that would complain about the weight of her ruined shell of a daughter who can no longer walk and talk because of a lobotomy. Those cold dead eyes in the picture above sums everything up. This is nausea inducing. That is a narcissist and a sociopath rolled up into one. What a vile family. They give her a lobotomy to "control her" and the mother doesn't even visit her for 20 years.

"She and husband Joseph Kennedy were so obsessed with daughter Rosemary's weight they told her boarding schools she was 'getting too fat'
  • Rosemary would apologize in letters home about the pounds she'd gained 
  • She underwent a lobotomy in 1941 when she was 23 years old and was left unable to speak or walk properly after the botched procedure
  • Her mom was known to call the Catholic institution for the disabled where Rosemary lived as an adult to ask about her daughter's weight 
Read more:
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The article goes on to explain Rosemary's reaction to seeing her mother. It makes sense. After all something inside her had to know what they had done to her, and what she had lost.

"At the sight of her mother, Rosemary, who was being escorted by two nuns, broke into a sprint and lunged at the elderly woman, beating her chest and screaming at her."

Rosemary is one of the most extreme examples but there are other ACONs even nowadays who have been involuntarily committed via their narcissistic parents. Scapegoated Daughter is one of them. 
I have read stories on message boards of narcissistic parents trying to claim their adult children's guardianship even upon entry into the hospital for  non-mental conditions like ulcerative colitis or other disorders. When someone has guardianship over you, this means they control all finances and medical and other decisions. They control where you live and your day to day life. In most states, it takes a court proceeding for someone to claim guardianship over another.

                                                                                      [picture source]

ACONs need to protect themselves. I have protection where my husband would be making the decisions if I was incapacitated but those ACONs who are single and even people in my boat need to make medical power of attorney papers. Make sure you will never end up in the clutches of your narcissistic family should something God forbid happen to your spouse. It can be tough for a scapegoat to find someone they can trust, and this can feel like too great a burden for friends, but we must do what we can to protect ourselves. You do not want the sociopaths sharing your DNA or supposedly sharing it, being the ones who decide to pull the plug or allowing emergency surgery or not.

I highly suspect my mother got guardianship over my Aunt Scapegoat. She let it slip that she was responsible for all her financial decisions. They didn't realize being disabled like I am, I know the ins and outs of Advanced Directives and other matters. I knew these things from a friend who had to claim medical power of attorney over a mother with severe dementia. Those who direct someone's money usually have named someone as incompetent and unable to handle their own affairs.

My golden child sister tried to deny it, and the jig was up.  I also realized my mother played the Aunt Scapegoat is "crazy" game. Today I don't know what to believe and question much of what I was told. There were too many discrepancies. I was told Aunt Scapegoat was mentally ill enough to be hoarding and that she was hoarding her own waste even, but then I came to this, "How on earth was someone that mentally ill able to drive herself to dialysis 12 miles each way, three times a week". Aunt Denial told me she did drugs and stole from them. But how much is truth or lies? Would someone storing their own poop in a bag  and pee in a jars all over their trailer, be responsible enough to keep track of their dialysis days? I don't think so.  It made no sense. Things didn't add up, and as I thought things out, I knew I was being lied to. Where the stories about hoarding and the rest, what she used to get her guardianship? I don't know but I do know I don't trust any of them.

My mother has played the "You're Crazy" game on me and she has labeled me mentally ill to the rest of the family to the point, they have devalued anything I had to say for years. Being an Aspie this was easier for her to do. While my Aspergers went undiagnosed and unnamed, she used aspects of it to label me insane. She did to me what was done to my aunt, just in a different way. I had the IQ to fight back, and realize something was wrong. Sometimes I am in horror, that if I had believed them on what they had to say about me, that I would have become an utterly destroyed person like my Aunt Scapegoat. She told my father I was "crazy" and every other relative.

Some memories have come back to me and things I haven't thought about in years. One of those things was how they tried to drive me crazy with all the gas lighting and tried to push me into severe mental illness and threatened me with commitment. One thing I had going for me, is I got good grades and I was very quiet in school, and today I believe if those two things were not true, both parents could have railroaded me into the institution of their choice.  I would have been destroyed and quite easily too. Perhaps fear of what I would say about them and their abuse, kept them from dragging me to the nearest psych ward, but one aspect of my abuse was being threatened with commitment. These threats peaked as I entered my early teens.

In 1982-83, my father had my Aunt Confused committed once and it could have been twice. He did an involuntary commitment on her. He made a big to do of getting her put in the psych ward and she was there far longer then today's 72 hour watches. He spoke to her with disdain, yelled at her, and told her to shut up. There were whispers of court, paperwork and "getting her help". From my angle, she did abuse pills, and was "hyper" and seemed to be afraid a lot, talking about the mafia coming after her. Since my father's family was from New Jersey, maybe the mafia talk wasn't a delusion. She still seemed afraid to the day I went no contact with her. She was relieved when I went no contact with her to be honest. She always took my phone calls with severe hesitation. She saw me as a "trouble-maker" and "rebel" who was upsetting the apple cart far too much. I hadn't seen her or my father's side of the family since 1997 but she was still in continuous contact with my mother.

I got the message loud and clear she lived with this fear of being "put away" all her life. Even last year, when I still talked to her, it seemed her adult son seemed to have a heavy decision making whether she could go on a trip or not and even over her bank account. I asked her, if her son had guardianship over her and she would not respond but something funny seemed to be going on. I lived too far away so didn't pursue the matter with her. Realizing there are two relatives with some kind of guardianship funny business going on definitely forms a pattern.

In the 80s, she seemed to keep to herself in her trailer, eating hamburgers and reading tabloids so whatever else she was up to along with the drugs, I may have not been privy to. Even though she was supposedly "insane", they dropped me and my brother off all the time to visit with her.

Like Aunt Scapegoat, Aunt Confused was trashed to me night and day. "She is crazy!". They would scream at me that I was just like her every time they got mad at me and tell me they were going to do the papers on me to commit me.  They were going to put me in the same hospital and see if I liked it. "They'll put you in the rubber room with your aunt!" They especially focused on me "turning out like her" and "You two are just alike!" Part of me today thinks I could have been better off if the doctors weren't on my parents side automatically but obviously I was scared to death. My mother would sneer, "We can put you away!" One time I went with my father to visit my Aunt Confused in the big stone walled psych ward and hospital in our town, she came down in a bathrobe to the meeting area but didn't have much to say. She was just quiet. She was cowed. She did not fight my father and did everything he said, and the same applied later with her own grown son.

Around that time I was 13, and 14 years old, and the constant litany of comparisons with my aunt never let up, "You are crazy like Aunt Confused!""You are going to turn out like her.". "We will put you away in the same place and you can join her!"  This was daily not just once in a while at that time. There were times I was scared I was going to go mad, and they helped push this along. This degree of emotional abuse on a young teen was beyond the pale. They would gaslight me. I became petrified of losing my mind as they told me over and over I was crazy and mentally ill and there was no hope for me and my future. I was a young Aspie and told my problems of unpopularity were all my fault. I "kept my nose in books" way too much too. The me of today wonders if they were trying to drive me to total insanity so they could "put me" away. If I had been born 20-30 years earlier, they definitely would have succeeded.

 My reading choices of the time, reflect some of what I was undergoing.  "Will There Ever Be a Morning?" was one favorite book of mine when Frances Farmer gets put into the psych ward by her controlling mother. I read "I never Promised You a Rose Garden" petrified that I would go mad like the girl in the book but remembering thinking at the time, "But you are not having hallucinations like she is."  At time, I wanted to know if I really was crazy like they said I was. 

My untreated PTSD already was giving me problems I did not understand. Back then I didn't know what PTSD or C-PTSD even was, I would learn at the age of 18 buying a book on panic disorders, OCD and anxiety problems, but at that point I did not know. I was scared because I was having feelings of depersonalization.  Depersonalization can come with anxiety disorders. I still remember the first time that happened and being scared to death that I was cracking up, but kept my mouth shut knowing the monsters around me would use it for my destruction.

                                                   [picture source]

One time it happened to me while sitting at the bathroom at the age of 10, the feeling of unrealness and not being me. I would stay lucid and not miss time or anything like that so no one else would know what was happening to me,  even if the feeling came over me in a crowded classroom but it scared me for years. I didn't know what was happening to me. I fortunately escaped having or the effects of personality disorders or Dissociative Identity Disorder [DID], but my anxiety problems brought me trouble at a very early age. Why wouldn't I be troubled being so severely emotionally abused and where I could be hit out of the blue at a seconds notice?

As a young adult, I struggled with anxiety and panic disorder and was diagnosed with PTSD by multiple therapists. My work life was severely affected by panic attacks and anxiety. I would hide it but it took a strong physical toll. There was a lot of time crying in bathrooms and getting myself "together" so no one would know how much I was suffering. Many female Aspies suffer from anxiety and other related problems.  I was someone who needed solace, comfort and loving support and did not get it. What is great about the last couple years is I actually have had some recovery from my anxiety disorders. As I have written before going no contact cut it down almost immediately by 80%. My last actual panic attack--I can still feel anxiety with COPD breathing problems--was two and half years ago. What else happened that long ago? I went no contact.

There was such sheer hatred shown for anyone with mental health problems. Of course if they hated me that much why not just hand me over to be a ward of the state? No they enjoyed the game and the torture. Mentally ill people were just weak to them. No one got any mercy.

Often gaslighting will take the form for scapegoats in telling a scapegoat they are crazy and denying reality to their face. Some ACONs may even feel like reality itself will crack as the lying never lets up and they are told that what they saw, heard and felt was not real.  I was told over and over that what I saw and heard was not real and I was wrong about everything. I have realized my sociopathic mother is doing it now, in her birthday cards, trying to claim she is innocent as the driven snow.  She has gotten the other stupid people around her to believe, that I am the problem and that my emotions and "rejection" of her has arisen out of a vacuum and that my "mental illness" is the reason why I have gone no contact. It pisses me off, to see her write that garbage, "You choose to believe things about me that are not true."  She told my brother, "I don't know what she is so mad about". Everything is about rewriting reality. Learning about gaslighting is definitely a door that opens up wide for a ACON and exposes the evil. Today I see through her garbage but I remember the years and years of being taught to question my own mind, emotions and thoughts. ACONs have to train themselves to listen to their own mind and emotions.

Lately I have contemplated the affect of having my emotions and personhood denied for my whole life. I am facing a big struggle lately that has to do with a lifelong effect of this. I am so upset facing it and how I was so destroyed in the eyes of others. The emotions are almost indescribable. Unlike some ACONs who struggle with an identity, I have one, but it feels like I live in a world that seeks to obliterate it and me. I have faced facts I was a severely physically disabled woman who got not an ounce of sympathy or empathy by a bunch of creeps, and also I was a thoughtful artistic Aspie, who was around a bunch of Neanderthals, no that is too insulting to Neanderthals.

I believe some of the narcissists succeed in destroying people's minds because they teach them to doubt their own reality. I held on to my own reality with a hard grip as they tried to take it away from me. There was once a therapist said something strange to me, she told me, "You have a core of steel". I don't think she meant that I was hard or cold. She meant that inside I had developed a fortress. I remember developing this fortress at a very young age and this may astound some of you but I remember being only ten years old and thinking, "I will not let them in my mind, and they cannot have it." Sometimes I think Aspergers protected me from cracking up, Aspies live in their mind. I turned inward to survive. Some therapists actually would tell me the fortress was a problem. One yelled at me, "You have built up this wall, and no one can get over it!" I said, "The wall is there for a reason." This wall saved me even when I faced some severe spiritual abuse. When I get brave enough I may write about this sometime and how disabled people get abused in the Christian world just for being disabled, without naming names. In the fortress, I was saying, "You know she's full of crap", don't you?" 

I joked once to a friend that the Stasi, could put me under the light bulb, and smack me around and I would not break. This may be the reason I got hired to work with teen sociopaths, rapists and drug dealers. They knew I would not break and yes I had co-workers who did. If two narcissists who told me none of my feelings were valid for years and years and that I was wrong about everything who called me crazy almost every waking day of my childhood life, couldn't do it, how could they? My own body has done such bad things to me even torture would be a run of the mill occurrence. Emotional torture was a given. My panic attacks were relegated to times of relative safety, after the fact.

One time I went to my mother when I was fifteen, and was depressed. I told her I was so depressed I felt like dying. I didn't have any suicide plans or anything like that but was crying and despondent. I was an unpopular teenager with no friends and feelings of understandable depression. She told me, "If you want to go commit suicide, go ahead and do it then!" What kind of mother is that? And how many of these types drive their more vulnerable children to suicide? Other ACONs have attested to the same messages given their teenage angst or depression. I walked away and kept my mouth shut. No feelings were to be shared among those who had none. ACONs basically have no family, we live with these people who hate us, and have no interest in really knowing us.

The abuse where they told me I was "crazy" really got bad during my teenage years. I know they turned other people against me from family friends to extended relatives, sometimes even expressing false concern when they were busy wearing a mask. This never let up. I know these messages continued behind the scenes even during my years as an art teacher and residential counselor and then later when I lived in my last rural town. I went to enough therapists to learn what my actual state of mental health was, so I could get the professional opinion about it all.  This helped rescue me. Whatever mental illness I had was the result of severe emotional and other abuse at the hands of the sociopaths. Aspergers is a neurological condition not a mental illness. It was always funny how my mother when angry would tell me to go see a counselor when she obviously has never darkened the doorstep of a counselor's office.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths are dangerous to our mental health. Going no contact is imperative even in protecting our own minds.  One reason I had to go no contact, is my physical health was being destroyed and I was almost ending up in the hospital just from dealing with them. They do break people. I see two very broken people they managed to destroy. If they don't morally destroy someone with their poison, they will emotionally and mentally destroy someone. If someone ask me if I loved my mother, I would say no. I cannot love someone who tried to destroy me on every level.

These morally insane people do try to destroy people by calling them crazy and even threatening children and teens with commitments and more. They also set scapegoats and others up more for the predators leaving them unsure of themselves. I believe many poisonous narcissistic mothers and fathers lie about their children and manipulate the "professionals" to label them and put them in programs, some die from being put in Wilderness programs and others are tortured by the system in "Scared Straight" programs. I find myself wondering how many of the Scared Straight kids were abused and beaten at home.

This continues into adulthood was well, where sadly many scapegoats have earned the life-long title of the "crazy" one. This happened to me. The entire family sees me as a nutter. Even the ones I am very low contact with treat me like I am radioactive. I don't have much hope for those contacts either. And can see the day coming where I have no contact with anyone in the family. The narcissists hamstring you then because when you fight back and stand up for yourself, then you are already considered nuts, so your angry and hurt words are just seen as the "mental case" ranting and raving. I was told by the flying monkeys and others I was a "negative" person. I was told by family members my poverty and illness were the result of my bad attitude.  We spend so much time just trying to get some of them to validate us. I wasted years trying to do this. It doesn't go anywhere because they have this view of you in your mind that the narcissists gave them. They successfully make us look crazy.

There's literally been decades where the malignant narcissists have told them, you are off your rocker and "the problem". I ponder for myself too now the nastiness said about other people from my brother's ex wife, to the two mentally broken aunts and others my mother decided were the "enemy". She used the technique effectively that they were all "crazy" too and got dozens of people to sign on. My brother may not be divorced today even if my mother had not sought to destroy his ex-wife at any cost. He never defended her and I believe that is the core besides some of his other bad behaviors why the marriage failed. My mother has this way of making herself appearing as the "reasonable" one, she has the money and the practicality to solve problems and they all buy into her mask.

I realize this is one reason, Aunt Denial and cousins and even my own sister kept their children away from me or limited their contact. It didn't matter I had spent years working with children and very troubled young people with endless security and background checks but they all believed my mother and kept their children away. My relationship ended with my sister the day I realized she was keeping her children away from me on purpose.  They deem you even too "unstable" to have anything to do with their children. You may be a bad "influence". Or Whoops you may let a few family secrets slip.......

I have learned to avoid people who play the "you're crazy" games. I cut them off immediately. The ex-friend, who did not believe me about a narcissist abusing me in my support group, actually tried to tell me I had gone "crazy" from my high blood sugars. What happened with that fake friend was a huge devastation. I had someone just like my mother in the room.  I knew the friendship was over at that point. Once someone disrespects you and tells you that you are "crazy" and they are busy rewriting reality instead of listening with empathy and respect, that is someone you need to get away from. That includes people you are related to. Someone who calls you crazy with the spirit of ripping you to shreds, does not love you.

This narcissistic society operates the same way our parents did, telling anyone who questions the status quo, they are crazy. This is a way to devalue people and silence them. That was the goal of our narcissistic parents. We are not the crazy ones, they are.