Friday, October 31, 2014

The Latest with my Brother

I am realizing more about my brother. He is not only trained by the family system he is just a more covert version of the rest of them. Maybe not so covert as I am analyzing all this. I am keeping very low contact for now but will be reassessing this with time.  Sadly this relationship is on the ebb too. It could easily be no contact one day.

 I will have no family left [never really had one] but I just can't put up with this stuff anymore. I know I can't trust him either as he has played flying monkey and been a source of information to my mother. He would not stick up for me even when it wouldn't cost him a thing. This was always in the back of my mind, but while he can appearing friendlier and charming at times expending efforts my sister does not, the same meanness and issues of poor character apply.

The only reason for any contact is a practical point of getting information. In this case, I saw him as the relative who cared about me to a certain extent but I was wrong. I will view him like an old high school acquaintance on a social website.. I only have contact left with him and distant cousins at this point and cards to nieces and nephews. I have given up on him. I am glad I did not push myself to go on a visit, that I could barely afford health wise or money wise. This would have been a waste of my time. He's been slamming the door in my face just as much as my sister but with a bigger smile on his face.

 I haven't seen him in five years. I have noticed his actions don't match his words. I have noticed while he told me he loved me, he has the same attitude of contempt towards me and is just as mean as the rest.  He is manipulative, when I confronted him with an issue, he suddenly took ill and yelled at me for "not caring" as he had to go to the hospital the night before with chest pain, suggesting he had
a heart attack when it was really an esophageal issue.  I tried to talk to him about some things, and was treated like I was a "bother". I only private message him about once every 8 weeks or so, this is not someone I am talking to everyday. He has a filthy mouth so I've had to erase many f-bombs in the below and make some spelling corrections

Here is some excerpts from our latest conversations. Notice the excuses and contempt.  I know reading this, some will say to me, "He doesn't sound like a very nice person." The scary thing he was one of the "nicer" ones. With the family, I was always pushed away even if I doled out myself very sparsely. This rejection got hard to take.  He blew off my birthday the week we had this exchange too and couldn't even write a social website greeting.

"Wow you need to calm the ***** down. I've been extremely busy this morning. left at 8:45 and just got home. The reason you see me on messenger  {and I told you this **** before is because it is on my ****** phone."

Here I tried to send him an article about narcissism, of course he did not read it. Anything that takes too much intellectual effort is not for them. The willful laziness is beyond annoying. Of course that applied to all of them. Scapegoats will attest to how none of them listen to us.

"Now to your book you wrote last week. One when the ****** have I ever listened to mom on anything? That's always been her problem with me."

Excuses for flat out ignoring private messages over a series of month. His business? Taking 6-8 teens around to sell candy bars out of a van. He sold e-cigarettes for awhile at a flea market but I believe that is on hiatus. I am in shock, he can maintain his lifestyle on both of these seemingly limited ventures.  He does everything his mother tells him to do.

"The only reason I don't talk as much to anyone {Your not the only one I haven't seen any of my friends in months! is because Im so damn busy running a business, taking care of personal stuff and dealing with Dumbass."

"Dumbass" is his exwife who while she is not perfect I feel more and more sorry for. While she had her faults, he did treat her badly. He never defended her as my mother scapegoated and attacked her for years.

Here I am talking about how my mother is manipulating him and that I am going to continue my no contact. He is not happy with that.

" I'm not going to do that though.  You need to put sh*t behind you.  You seem to have an issue with that!"

I responded to him: "I can't forgive and forget when the abuse is ongoing and that it is was the "new" stuff that down the pike to be worried about."

I had an exchange just like this with my sister, one of the last times I talked to her where she wrote to me on private message, "You need to put the small stuff behind you."

Both of my siblings have drank the narc Kool-Aid and gone swimming in it.

He wrote me then: "But  I'm ** years old, have a business, girlfriend two kids and a life. I put all that sh*t behind me."

He is trying to imply I have no life. My childlessness was something they always used to attack me. PCOS doesn't help with fertility.  The wall of iron stays up. None ever listen to me. They never take any of my feelings in consideration. So why bother? I'd rather be alone then around people like this. He isn't a very nice person. Even the craziness I talked about in this article with his ex-wife, shows how they are willing to crush and malign someone.

My mother is busy buttering him up. He flipped in a milli-second. She went to visit him [around 300 miles away] twice in two months. Before he was lucky to have her drive down once every five years.  I know there is a reason for that. It was to ensure me being tossed under the bus. He never said one word to defend me to her. In one PM he even wrote to me, "Mom doesn't know why you did what you did"!

I wrote him back and said, "I sent her a 2 page email", and I told her!" He of course ignored me.

 I also have noticed an extreme pattern of him only calling me up to brag about a new purchase or show something off. Years ago I complained about this to my husband. He got this from my parents where material possessions were the sum total of any person. He is poorer then my sister, mother and my other relatives, and always going into debt to measure up to the rest and exaggerating his achievements.

His girlfriend contacted me and he did too, to brag about moving into a 2600 square foot rental house last week.  She private messaged me pictures of the inside of one rental house and then the one they did end up renting. I didn't ask for any of this information. I know Mommy trained him for this too. My mother has been buttering up the girlfriend too, who I had to go more distant with too as her questions got nosey, and I knew the answers would be going back to my mother. She was friendly and treated me well but sadly, the Queen Spider tosses a web on everyone.  For years, most of my brother's phone calls centered around bragging, I wouldn't hear from him for months but he would call me on the very day, he bought a new wide screen jumbo TV, new computer equipment, a new van, a new car and now a new larger rental house.

Ok so this is our latest conversations, my feelings are ignored, he never stands up for me and then yesterday he writes me saying, "I wrote you down as a reference for a finance company to buy some new furniture, they will be calling you today."

This made me laugh.

Like the person who has refused me even the smallest iota of respect now wants a favor from me?

When they called, I had my husband tell them I was not home.

Today Caller ID will be my friend.

This is something new for me. I was always dive-bombing for their crumbs. Those days are over.

Wannabe Physics Majors Fail When It Comes to Fat!

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! isn't going to fix the problem with obesity in this country.

Essentially that is the position of many out there.

So 40% of the population decided to become fat?

I don't think so.

I see memes like this one:

It's funny how many people out there think the human body runs like a car.

Put the gas in, it's supposed to all burn off like in a car?

Does the human body work like a car?

Most of them should flunk high school chemistry on that one alone.

They are so so ever disgusted with the overeaters.

These aren't brains who will break out a copy of Salt, Sugar, Fat  and get the bigger picture. Remember that Idiocracy movie I mentioned, well, big picture thinking is falling by the way side. Fat people eat too much, is the thing they have burned into their brain like a laser.

You will note, that none ever ask, "Why are people eating so much?"

Even when it screws their bodies up.

A long time ago, I wrote this article.

Are Fat People Hungrier?

How come none ever ask that question? A few scientists have like Lustig have.

It's the food, stupid, is my response.

Also it is metabolism, it does differ in people, but fat people are the CANARY in the COAL MINE in a toxic environment.

In other words some are more sensitive then others.

Do I eat too much? Well I run at around 2,000-1800 a day. 1800 is the aim. A bad day is around 2000.  Maybe I would lose more on 1200, but the hunger pain kills me. I ate an apple and a turkey bacon sandwich for breakfast, I keep a running tally in my head all day long.

I have written down everything I've eaten in the last 4 months.

I know for sure there are thin people who eat about the same as me or less. I lost around 10lbs in the last 2 months. I believe that one has to actively prevent weight gain when they are at my size, this is to preserve my mobility. They do not realize since I lost down from near 700lbs, I have to fight to stay in the 500s. I want to be back down to the 400s, which I have reached on occasion. Of course the wannabe physics majors will claim, I have to be eating 4 pumpkin pies a day. My Flexitouch takes off enough water, I can have shorts fit one day that fall down the next.

Does Physics describe the totality of the human body?

Hasn't the calories in and calories out rule been disproven?

But they cling to that one so hard.


Because obesity is now becoming a them vs. us, class marker contest of profits and lies.

No one wants to hear the truth on that one.

Obesity is far more complicated then Calories in and Calories out.

And if anyone is really interested in solving the problem of obesity, they need to go back to metabolism, food and other issues.

Not pound on the 40 years of diets that have failed and the same shaming garbage. Obesity is the health problem they just want to abuse people over. I am not kidding myself thinking that the wannabe physics majors want me healthy and thin, they just see being thin as a status seeking enterprise where they can beat up on fat people because it is something sanctioned by this sick society. The sick society is causing the obesity to begin with. 

Profit off the Obesity Epidemic? I don't believe it~!

Investors profit off the Obesity Epidemic

My title of course is a bit tongue in cheek. When millions need diabetic drugs, that will bring in the cash as well.

Try New Foods: Parsnips

Allergic to potatoes, parsnips are a good alternative. I roasted some for a side dish last night with fresh brussel sprouts, and that was a very tasty dish.

Propaganda Against the Fat

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Isn't this just another way to say "Fat People are Stupid" but using biased studies to do so?

Hey I know America as a whole is dumbing down like crazy.  Idiocracy wasn't just a movie it was prophecy.  All the fluoride poured into the water? The stupid believe that the news tells the truth like this article.

"(CBS) Does being not-so-smart make people not-so-skinny? Experts say a controversial new study adds to a growing body of evidence linking low intelligence to weight problems. It shows that men who score low on IQ tests in adolescence are more likely to be overweight in middle age.
PICTURES: Living large: 31 ginormous goods for plus-sized people
For the study - described at a recent meeting of the American Heart Association - researchers in Sweden compared the waist-hip ratios of more than 5,000 40-year-old men to their scores on IQ tests taken when they were around 18 years of age. The researchers found a strong inverse relationship between the ratios, which scientists use to gauge obesity and heart disease risk.
In other words, the fattest men had the lowest IQ scores.
What might explain the link between low intelligence and middle-aged spread? One possibility is that less-intelligent people make poorer food choices, Dr. Robert H. Eckel, professor of medicine at the University of Colorado School Medicine, told CBS News. Another, he said, is that they are more averse to exercising than people who are more intelligent."

Some of us are too smart to fall for their garbage.

We know propaganda is real, and so is social programming. We don't fall for stupid crap like a woman who is a nurse supposedly having Ebola which supposedly makes you bleed out of every orifice, suddenly showing up bouncy like she just got out of the spa to give Obama a hug. We ask questions and realize money floats the boat as well as a multitude of other agendas. Obesity in the USA is being used more and more as a class marker as they pour toxic chemicals into the food. Some of that stuff most likely will affect the brain but what way to help with the slim thin as racing dogs elite vs, the fat peasant divide then to publish propaganda like this.  Supposedly the fat are stupid, that is why they are fat. Hey it keeps the focus off the real problems.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Dr. Phil Needs to Call Out Narcissists and Sociopaths Directly

 Yesterday I watched this show on Dr. Phil, the second video has it, in it's entirety. The show includes a past guest, Andrue who seems to be a very strong young man now in recovery who got taken out of his house for shooting himself in the chest. I saw the first show some time ago and he relayed how he wanted to escape the abuse and misery he was in. He was taken out of the home and reunited with his real father who treats him far better. This is a second show where his parents Minnie and Lon [his stepfather] were allowed to come back and make a plea for their children to be returned to their home.

His siblings were taken out of the abusive home as Andrue relayed to CPS, what abuses were happening from his baby sister being left in a car seat locked behind a closet door, the substance abuse, and beatings. To be frank, these parents were obvious malignant narcissists, both could even be sociopaths especially the stepfather, whose cold eyes glared at Dr. Phil and asserted his authority time and time again. He was evil and cruel. He didn't even pretend to be nice for national TV but one could fathom behind closed doors, he is far worse.

The mother was an obvious malignant narcissist, they could have put her photo in the dictionary above the disorder. In her case, there were definitely some histrionic leanings too but her cold eyes, lack of love and endless excuses and inability to face her sins, all showed the real deal. Now in Dr. Phil's defense, he called her out on lies about her substance abuse, displayed her drunk arrogant and self promoting Twitters, and one video where she showed her dead eyes in even fuller force where every picture of her was of modeling poses for too many minutes. He also challenged the other one and put up evidence that what Andrue had described was true, as the mother, Minnie, was divorcing Lon, the stepfather and father of the younger children put claims of violence and abuse in her divorce papers.

One sickening and self revelatory moment is when Lon claimed he had burned all of Andrue's photos. Minnie's fake tears are disgusting. The show proceeded in a very bad direction. Andrue comes out on stage and his mother Minnie kept up with her excuses and sickening denials of her evil..."I did the best I could!" Dr, Phil and a CPS leader said, they needed to comply with what CPS wanted to get their children back. Andrue said, they should never be moved and were happier where they were at. At one point he seems to be the only one with any sanity stating, "Quit playing the victim!" to his mother.

Dr. Phil and the CPS worker talked about reunification with these rotten parents, and I was livid. What these parents have wrong will never be fixable. They have no hearts and soul and no consciences or love. I kept thinking, "Oh great, now these narcs will get a can of get smart, and do an acting job to fool all the social workers!" It seemed like Dr. Phil was giving them advice to play the system. Andrue looked devastated near the end, he is free due to his age but you could see the fear he had for his siblings in his face as they blathered on about reunification. I found myself thinking, doesn't Dr. Phil know these parents are malignant narcissists? I am not a Dr. Phil supporter and wonder about some of the influences of this show, but their personality disorders were so OBVIOUS!

Maybe legally there are reasons he can't come out and say, "You are malignant narcissists!" Maybe he put on this show to display their bad behaviors to the world in defense of Andrue, I don't know. Something seemed weird. Andrue's heart seemed to be breaking as he said, why do they get all the second chances or something along those lines. He isn't perfect either, I can tell he was impacted by all the abuse, but there is too much outside evidence that he was telling the truth about his abusive parents. I hope that his siblings are protected.

 Dr. Phil was wrong to even couch reunification with narcissistic parents as a possibility. He betrayed Andrue with this talk. He let the mother insult and berate Andrue with nary a word especially when she said to him, "I've apologized to you over and over!" I hope and pray Andrue goes "No contact" with both. In his case, he is fortunate to have a loving bio father. There needs to be some standing up and direct exposure. There needs to be more truth out there about how these kind of people operate. A malignant narcissist and sociopath can never be a decent parent. Leave the children in foster homes where they are thriving. Child protective services should be having seminars on sociopathy and narcissistic personality disorder to educate their workers. Children need protected from them.

Why focus on the parents getting the children back? This sickened me. Sadly Minnie announced she was pregnant by Lon.Maybe she was lying but  I thought, "Poor baby!". I hope Andrue can go have a good life and was glad he was brave enough to stand up after he was taken out of the home on behalf of his siblings. Many agreed with me on the Dr. Phil message boards. To even discuss possible reunification was a betrayal of these children.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Water is Soothing

I took this photo some time ago. It always calms me down. The flat expanse of the water seems to be a soothing affect. One thing I like to do is spend lots of time in nature when I can or watching boats go by. I write about some of the heavy stuff on this blog but in day to day life, seeking some beauty is important too.


Fall is my favorite season. I live in a state that gets all 4 seasons. No deserts for me or hot all year tropics even if we will be freezing in a couple months. This is one of my fall photos, just to enjoy the trees. That's not my house. :)

I couldn't talk to any of you!

The worse thing about my relatives?

I never could talk to any of them. 

One thing about my personality is if you knew me in real life, I love to talk. I am one of those people who is never bored, even if I am housebound and always examining or thinking about something. My husband has told me, my brain fascinates him. I take interest in things.

Last night I went to a genealogy conference at the library which was for beginners. It will help me on my adoption search and probing the family history. One side of the family I barely knew any of them, never met one great aunt or uncle on my father's side. I found it of intellectual interest too because I have a few friends who do genealogy. The whole concept fascinates me. I already have found many things out about my would be family. I found out the name of my father's first girlfriend in a newspaper from the 1950s and the names of other distant relatives. If anything, I am a good researcher. I am also working on researching  the adoption petition.

With the family there was absolutely no intellectual meeting of the minds. There was no one who wanted to "hear" me. Everything was invalidated. One thing that was interesting to me as I grew older in comparison was how my conversations flowed with friends. Heart to heart talks, hours of conversation, and sharing, and fun. There are close friends where we can talk for hours and we enjoy it.

What happened with those I was supposed to be biologically related to? Often I asked if it was my fault for years? This may sound mean, I've posted enough bad things about them to fill up this blog with it partially, but so many of my relatives seemed SLOW. Outside of a few cousins and their children, including one computer genius and the nieces and nephews still busy growing up, my family is an intellectual wasteland. With a few of them and no offense to the developmentally disabled, there seemed to be serious learning problems, where they just didn't read or seek to learn anything new. In this case, it seemed self chosen rather then real disabilities.

I knew some had grown up on the farm with very little intellectual stimulation but others who lived in the big city seemed no different.  I lived in a small town around many rural folks, I could talk to them about gardening to politics unlike the family.  The big city relatives just seemed to want to talk about shopping and gambling. There was no depth to be found there either.

 Now before I try to toot my own horn, obviously they had better life skills then me, with the ability to make money and function but I couldn't get any of them to talk about anything of DEPTH? Do any ACONs here reading relate to this? In every book I have read fiction or non-fiction, most people connect with one relative, they feel they can talk to. Even Jan Brady had Aunt Jenny!

Eyes would cloud over as I talked about art. My politics pissed them off. Religion was a no go zone. History, current events, and music made their eyes glaze over. It seemed everything I said, even things of a neutral nature would piss them off. I wasn't who they wanted me to be and they obviously were not. 

My mother's silence is the one thing that stands out to me. How the woman simply refused to talk to me my entire life. As a child I was left unprepared for life and totally clueless, since I simply wasn't told anything! All those visits to her house as an adult and there would be no discussion. Thankfully her husband was capable of a conversation but my father wasn't. With narcissists, many ACONs will attest to the very fact, that their parents took absolutely no interest in them as people. This silencing does something to a soul that is very insidious. You have no one to share yourself with because they are not interested. 

One thing I am an avid and SERIOUS stamp collector. While I don't have any big money stamps, for me it is enjoyable. I manage it being poor, because I have gotten donated collections and have a connection to estate sales where one can get old stamp albums. If I ever have any real money, I would get even more deeper into this world. It is one I can even lose myself in. I still remember showing my mother, during the one visit in 2009, my stamp album and her looking at it and saying, "What's this for?". She then looked at me, scoffed and said, "What a stupid hobby!". Thankfully I do what I want and like what I like. Obviously at that point talking about stamp collecting was off the table.

And that is one thing, I have pondered since going NC, is how they never took any interest in anything about me. Lest someone says, "Well did you for them?" I tried. I wanted to fix what was broken. I examined myself too for my faults and inability to communicate.  What was I doing to make them angry? I wanted to fix it. I tried to whittle down things about an Aspie that would annoy people. 

I tried to learn about video games I didn't care one iota about to connect with nephews. With my brother, I talked about authors such as James Patterson and Dean Koontz he liked. I would praise my mother on her house decorating or latest purchases. With my grandmother I would try and talk to her too. Aunt Scapegoat, I would talk about her favorite author Stephen King whose books I read all the time years ago.  I really tried. It didn't go anywhere. All seemed to give me the message to JUST SHUT UP!

They seemed to roll their eyes at everything I said even when trying to meet them in the middle. I knew by a young age, that whoever I had become, was someone they barely could tolerate. Even years ago on family visits, I knew no one was taking any interest in what I had to say about anything. I was so absolutely bored as I have written about before.  There were many times, I'd say one thing and the entire family would simply shout me down, one whole against me.

Being no contact this long, I am seeing some disturbing patterns that had escaped my notice. The insidiousness of being scapegoated is that you are silenced and made into a non-entity. Even trying to be heard, was such a fruitless gesture. But as time has gone on in my no contact--I have now hit a year and 4 months with the majority of them, some glaring problems are standing out to me in the communication between me and the family.

What would you think if the only time a brother calls you was to brag about a new purchase? Renting a new big house? Buying a new car? Why is he insistent on bragging to a sister of humble means? What does this mean? The other day his girlfriend private messaged me sending me a picture of their new large two story house they had rented.  I love my apartment but know what this is all about. I've gotten smarter not to play the game. She wrote, "Call Me!". I didn't. I knew it would be more of the same.

What would you think if you realized how much you were lied to by one aunt who just seemed to want to purchase the peace at all costs?

It's weird how so many patterns I was blinded to, are now cropping up. How I am finally getting a clue. Sometimes I think to myself "Oh you took so long!" but I was an Aspie surrounded by very manipulative people. I find it sad now that there is competition like that between siblings. My brother still sees me as someone to compete for the love and attention of my mother instead of a person in my own right. He is glad I have cut my mother off probably because it may mean more money in the will for him. There is no getting to know someone, or closeness or brother/sister intimacy in that mix.

Same for my N sister, she was as silent as my mother, taking no interest in other people and having no connection with them. In many ways I find my sister and mother's lives sad in that there is no real friendships, just people to compete with and see as objects to rise to the mountain top. There was always jealousy from both of them for my close friendships. One thing I heard as I walked about the door, was both complaining about my friends. People they didn't even know but were angry at for simply being friends with me!

Narcissists will set things up like that. By the way, my narcissistic mother's love-bombing of my brother continues as she went on another recent visit, visiting him more times in the last 2 months at his home then she has in 10 years. I do not think this is by accident but to make sure his loyalties remain with her.

I realized with the other family members, how they were AFRAID to talk about anything. Afraid of words being twisted, of others finding out about things? Of appearing too friendly and close to the scapegoat, that Queen Spider rejected? If relationships are that much trouble and turmoil, it's better to walk on in peace.

My mother was the queen of withholding. One thing you will notice what is missing with malignant narcissists.

She never shared one dream with me in her entire life. The kind you fall asleep to have and/or the kind where you look for better things in life.

This applied to so much of the family too. They never talk about goals, aspirations, feelings, God, spiritual matters, or anything deep.  The affect of narcissists on family systems is to silence everyone. Everyone is afraid. Information is to be doled out in teeny little pieces. Secrets are to be kept. No one is going to openly talk or share who they are with anyone. The control of information is the malignant narcissist's main goal. 

I will say this, in many ways, we all did stay strangers. I couldn't talk to any of them. A family should be able to talk to each other right? Well this one didn't. 

An Early Lippy?

An early Lippy? Her legs look very thick. In my fat lady picture collection, it's odd how they dressed them as they put them on display. One thing too, is thinking about how someone of this size was extremely rare in the 1930s, but all you would have to do is visit your local Wal-mart to see a few people of this size or even surpassing it. I often think to myself, "What were they thinking back then as they had to put themselves on parade in those pre-Social Security Days to survive?"

Van Gogh

This is the art life. I am always "framing" pictures where ever I go. I definitely relate to the emotion of this.

Both Parties

Science Question

This is a weird question, but I sometimes think the human body seriously has some faults. Why do fat people get hunger pain? I mean if your body supposedly doesn't need any more food and there is "excess energy" abounding all over the thing, why does someone like a 500lb person like me get hunger pain? I haven't eaten breakfast and would rather write right now, but this body seems like a bratty toddler screaming at me, "Feed me!", "Feed me!", growling stomach and all.

"Why We Shouldn't Accept Fat Acceptance"

"Why We Shouldn't Accept Fat Acceptance"

This article makes some good points, some I made years ago too on this blog.
One reason fat acceptance has not become mainstream and sadly remains too
much on the fringes is the extremity of the movement and focusing on the "fat"
instead of the people.

"The very name of the “Fat Acceptance” movement is exemplary of what’s wrong with identity-politics rhetoric: it muddles dispassionate conceptual arguments with overtones of personal, emotional stuff.  In other words, if you say “I don’t support the Fat Acceptance movement,” and what you mean is “I believe obesity is not genetic and it’s possible for fat people to lose weight,” it’s going to be heard as “I think it’s okay to be mean to fat people.”  And this is by design: the aim of the movement’s rhetoric is to render scientific arguments culturally unstable, so that they instantly degenerate into arguments about personal prejudice.  As a general rule, you should stay away from movements that make a habit of this sort of thing.
Look at it this way: suppose there’s a town where some stereotypically evil corporation is dumping toxic waste in the drinking water, and suddenly people are developing cancer right and left.  A few people notice that cancer rates shouldn’t naturally be this high, figure out the connection to the drinking water, and start encouraging everyone to boycott the corporation and drink bottled water instead.  But then, instead of listening, the rest of the townspeople accuse them of hating people with cancer, call them elitists because not everyone can afford to drink bottled water, and start a “cancer acceptance” movement based on the idea that everyone is supposed to get cancer and that everyone who doesn’t has a “drinking disorder.”  The bottom line is not only that lots of people get cancer who didn’t have to, but also that the evil corporation gets away with dumping toxic waste.  This is A) self-evidently ridiculous, and B) absolutely no different from what we are currently saying about obesity."
I've pretty much have said the same thing he has written here. That while I fully support fat acceptance groups that focus on fat people and them not being discriminated against, this weird idea that fat itself should be "accepted" as we get more and more ill and poisoned by bad food, is something I have always said, has served the failed diet industrial complex in the inverse and those profiting off fat people.
"Not a day goes by that I don’t see someone so fat they have to ride around on one of those little fat-person scooters.  How can it possibly be genetic that a significant portion of the population is fat enough to be immobile under their own power?  That’s not just “looking different” — it’s a crippling handicap that would doom someone in a state of nature, like blindness.  But whereas blindness has always existed, people have only suddenly and recently become this fat in such large numbers.  Something bad is causing this, we need to do something about it, and pretending it’s genetic is preventing us from doing whatever that thing is.  I understand sympathy, but this essay isn’t arguing that is should be okay to make jokes about these people or whatever — it’s arguing that we need to proactively address the problem.  The short-term impulse to “be nice at all costs” is actually anything but “nice” in the long term.  Suppose there was something in our food that was suddenly making lots of people go blind.  By pretending that all these people were genetically predestined to go blind, all you’d be doing is sentencing countless individuals in the future to go blind who didn’t have to.  Would it make any sense to rebuke the people trying to fix that problem by telling them that they just “hate blind people?”

Friday, October 24, 2014

"You're Not Really Sick!" Dealing with Narcissists and Illness

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This may be an intense one, and triggering.  I'm peeling the layers of the onion off strip by strip. This is a very thick layer. The facing that my very life was not valued by these people. A warning for all here, is when it comes to illness. Avoid people who display the RED FLAG of having NO EMPATHY for your health challenges or those of others. The worse thing about narcissists is their lack of empathy, the inability to put themselves in another's shoes. They will see illness as something to prey on, not something to have sympathy for.  It doesn't matter if it's your Mom. There's nothing inside her to get her to even have one emotion about what you are going through.

 One huge reason for my no contact, is physically I couldn't take dealing with them anymore. My body is too tired. I got too tired to do the visits anymore and put on my acting job of getting along with people I knew hated me.

My medical neglect growing up with the narcissists was severe. I am lucky to be alive.

                                         [picture source]
"Turning Blue? Shut Yer Trap!"

The day is seared into my memory. Sitting on the bottom stoop of the stairs, while living at home during college, I tell my father I can't breathe. Every breath is a force of will. Another severe asthma attack has hit. Wheezing and about to throw up, I showed my fear and distress. His response? "Shut the hell up!" "You're not really sick!"

Another day, I am living away from home in one of my rented rooms, and get a violent asthma attack while driving home from work. Thankfully I know right where the hospital is, I should after many panicked visits to the ER. I drive up on the curb, as the orderlies half carry me in. My inhaler won't work. My lungs are slamming shut. I am taken into intensive care. They know it is not a panic attack.

My heart has gone into afib from the severity of the asthma attack. I barely avoid intubation as they give me Benadryl and other medicines and hook me up to the heart monitor. An atheist at that time in life, I pray to God to keep me alive. Later they stabilize me and then give me a breathing treatment. The asthma attack will be such a bad one, that it will hurt to breathe for weeks. Imagine the worse case of bronchitis. I have that too having already entered chronic bronchitis land. Even today, I have to be on steroid inhalers to be able to breathe. The endless asthma during my youth damaged my lungs. I have COPD.

The nurses call my next of kin and call my parents and tell them, "Your daughter is very sick!" "They scoff, and tell the one on the phone, "Oh, she just can't cope!". The nurse waits until I can breathe to tell me, my parents reaction on the phone. I am only 25 miles away from where they live. She says to me, "Something is very severely wrong with you parents, they told me they are not coming out." and relays to me what they said. The look on her face is one of pity. Since I did not have medical insurance, I was released from the hospital. Already I had run up thousands in medical bills but none of my jobs provided health insurance. I would crawl home and could barely make it up the stairs to my rented room. A roommate took care of me as I was in bed for over a week. It should have been my family.

This is how things went for me when trying to get help for medical problems. One other time while still living with my parents. I would get sick again, crawl up those too steep stairs to grab my inhaler and drive myself to a clinic to get a breathing treatment. Sometimes I think, "Why didn't you just call an ambulance?" but I was afraid. I wasn't supposed to have any needs met.

                                                        [picture source]

"Xs over Your Eyes? We Need Our Beauty Sleep"

My parents almost even let my GC sister die when she was 13 and I was 14 letting her gasp in her bed, from the smoke in the neighborhood from burning leaves. They went to bed, telling her, "You'll be alright!", and I was the one having to scream, yell and pound at their door to get them to take her to the hospital as her gasping turned worse and worse. Her chest heaved and she grabbed at her throat. What is scary, is by then my sister was showing her  growing coldness as she did not cry and depended on me to go display the emotions to get things done.  She coded on the hospital floor, but this didn't change them. Not one bit. She would grow up to hate the sister who saved her life.

I often think to myself, that my sister's burgeoning coldness blossomed under my mother's total lack of empathy. Perhaps that is one day some of the craziness set in. In other words, she almost paid the final price too for having a malignant narcissist for a mother. My nieces and nephews couldn't even imagine that the reason they are here today is because of me.

My periods totally had stopped midway through college. I told my mother, who said, "Oh that doesn't mean anything", and went to a doctor at my college clinic who said, "You are stressed". Actually it was the development of severe PCOS.

                                                      [picture source]
"You Don't Need to Hear!"

When I was 13, I went totally deaf in my right ear. I cried to my mother for a week and half and still she would not take me to a doctor.  Standing in the hallway on the slate tiles of our 6 bedroom house, I remember as she smacked me and told me to "Quit whining about your stupid ear!". While back then, the hearing came back, today I have no hearing in that ear. It is stone cold deaf.  That was my life with my parents. Their problems always came first. Mine meant nothing. Being hearing impaired around narcissists sucks by the way, they aren't going to make sure you heard what was said.

We went to Colorado as part of a family vacation and were at a high altitude. I couldn't breathe. I remember crying and being scared. Nothing was done for me. I was told to shut up and suck it up. Fortunately I made it but I spent a week seriously short of breathe that would equal later bouts of severe bronchitis. Thankfully I was young enough then to survive.

                                                    [picture source]

"My Baby Loves to Play With Light Motes"

My autistic problems showed themselves early. I stimmed. I cried and was easily frightened. I had serious OCD, that went neglected even though it worsened and became very severe in high school. I would not conquer OCD until my 30s and even now it can arise if I am under stress. Hours were spent lining up my shoes. My mother took advantage of some of the autism as she without guile bragged to her friends when I was a child, that she could put me as a baby in a crib for hours alone and I would not cry. They had plenty of money for a professional. This was not a poor family with their hands tied. Obviously as I became more verbal, they probably knew I would talk and did not want to risk that. I told a teacher who did not believe me, "My parents don't love me," but a therapist may have taken a second look.

"Even Mr. Buller The Ex-Marine Gym Teacher Doesn't Want a Dead Kid on the Playground"

I would get sick, throw up and worse. Gym teachers as early as elementary school sent letters home to my mother stating "Five Hundred Pound Peep is having breathing problems, her balance is way off, she has major motor skill problems, please take her to a doctor!". I would never be taken to a doctor. Thankfully gym teachers had mercy on me. They probably didn't want to have to perform CPR during gym class or have one of their students die. I didn't have to run on the bleachers with the rest of the class. I could walk instead of run, this during times where I was no where near a weight that prevented exertion. The gym teachers knew something was wrong with me, but my parents simply didn't care.

                                          [picture source]

"The Opposite of Stephen King's book THINNER"

I gained 100lbs within 6-9 months, when I was around 13 years of age. I believe this is when the lipedema first set in. Puberty is a major on set time for lipedema.  This was just a taste of what would come later with the 400lb gain. I went from being a size 13 to a size 22. Imagine being a size 22 in high school. I was. I did not eat for this weight. My parents knew exactly what I was eating as my mother lorded over the refrigerator. I was smacked for gaining weight, one day when my mother realized I didn't fit in any of my clothes, screaming at how expensive I was. No one thought to take me to a doctor. Aunt Confused lived around us at that point and recently told me, "I told your mother to take you to a doctor, but she just wouldn't."

I saw a doctor on rare occasion, the schools wanted their vaccinations, but these occasions were extremely rare. My mother would pooh-pooh all medical complaints that I told the doctor. "There's nothing wrong with her, she is just a whiner". We got our teeth cleaned in elementary school, I suppose even narcissists didn't want gap toothed children spoiling the family photos.

Since I have gone NC and been diagnosed with a rare disorder [stage IV lipedema, lipo-lymphedema] the second one beyond PCOS] this last year, one fact stood out to me about my family. My sister got a rare disorder as an infant [totally unrelated to mine] and my parents moved heaven and earth to keep her alive.

"Doing What Was Right for the Golden Child"

 One odd thing about my Aspergers is I have a good visual memory from it, and can remember many things I have read even as a child. It is not a photographic memory but perhaps a subset of one. I remembered seeing a medical article on my sister as a child, and I decided to go looking for it, using the name of the rare disorder which was heart and vein related. With the help of a friend, we were able to recently find it. In other words, while I was medically neglected, with my Aspergers undealt with and other serious health problems especially from my teens on ignored, my sister warranted the most advanced medical care in the country where my mother went to go find her experimental doctors and researchers.

 She would actually be the first one to ever LIVE from her disorder and this was written up in a medical journal. Finding this article too, I realized some discrepancies the family had told me, they told me she got sick at the age of 2 and half,  but the medical article made it clear she had been sick from the age of 4 months old. Of course my mother being withholding as crazy, I was having to go by whatever clues I could muster and what was personally witnessed. The stroke I witnessed myself at the age of 3 and half when my sister told me, "I can't move my legs". This was one of my earliest memories.

My mother got huge narcissistic supply via my sister. She was the martyred mother of the very sick little baby and then little girl. The entire neighborhood rallied around her and so did the family. I was sent away from home for months twice, as my sister recovered and my mother was too overwhelmed to deal with me and my brother. One time would be living with Aunt Confused in her crazy domestic abuse house of horrors and the second time would be when I lived with "The Aunt That Loved Me".

 I found this interesting as we were only a year apart in age supposedly but who knows what to believe given the possibility I am adopted. If she was sick by 4 months. This means I was a non-entity by the age of 15 months.  Irony of ironies, she would go on to be very healthy and thin, and overcome this disorder with no heart issues, while I got sicker and sicker. Of course some will say a possibly terminally ill sibling, needs all the attention! However years after she recovered, and I was getting sick I was told, "Take care of your sister!".

No one ever took care of me.

 She ended up with 4 children and as an upper middle class suburban housewife who disdains me. For years I was told she would die young, even into late high school but she got stronger, healthier and meaner, as I got fatter and sicker.  To be frank, she was healed by age 4 but the affects of her illness lived on as it guaranteed her golden child status. She was the child that lived! She was the child my parents worked so hard to save! I was chopped liver.

Like a little vampire she sucked up all the energy. She got the space in the garage for her car, while I had to clean the snow off mine. My mother combed her hair and cut her dinner meat into high school. She was spared any heavy house work, raking, shoveling, taking out the trash and my mother protected her from the rage of my father. He never dared to hit her or touch her unlike me.  She was the "perfect" child, tattle-tale, a Nelly Olsen who could do no wrong in Mommy's eyes.

My mother laid out her clothes every morning through high school and made her lunch while I was on my own for both and often required to make her lunch too. I was forced to do her school work into college, sharing what reports, and projects with her I could. My mother even had her use my early art class projects from college left in the closet for her community college degree. She was the princess while I was nothing to them.

There was no experimental doctors for me. No true help. I was thrown to the wolves. This is something I never thought about in years, but I'm facing it now. How did she warrant such extreme help and I didn't? I know a baby is different from a teen and an adult, but most parents will say they forever care for their children. Even my autism was so severe, that teachers and others told my parents something was wrong and they simply ignored it. Being in Catholic schools instead of public schools made my sliding through the cracks even more likely. The nuns weren't going to do IEP meetings, we didn't have special Ed. teachers.

"There's Nothing Wrong With You!"

 Dealing with severe PCOS as a teen, and not knowing it, as I threw up and was in severe pain during periods, my mother took me to a quack who gave me a big bottle of black vitamins. She yelled at me for the brown spots on my neck and legs that were signs of the disorder. No specialists were called for me. I saw this other doctor once or twice during high school for vaccinations, who did nothing but remember my mother was ever-present telling him, "She's exaggerating!".

I was never ever listened to. Years later I would end up abandoned in the ghetto after my 400lb weight gain and was dying. At near 700lbs in 1998, I was given less then 18 months-2 years to live. I married my now husband expecting to soon die. He supported me on 8 bucks an hour which was chump change in that expensive city as I had applied for disability.

Both parents only visited twice, once for my wedding and other relatives had to talk them into coming, and another time on the way home from Mall of America. This is the day my mother screamed at me, "Do you know how big you are getting?" and pointed to my most swollen lipedema/lymphedema leg and said, "Do something about that!" I was abandoned at a time in my life when I needed help. I knew she hated me, but learned that my father hated me that day as well.

The poverty almost killed me. Imagine being near 700lbs and having to stumble to bus stops, out in the rain, cold and sleet with severe breathing problems. Imagine being that sick living in a very dangerous neighborhood with no car, no phone or refrigerator or working stove. Imagine that fact I didn't have regular groceries. Some of my recent problems now is I feel so triggered to those days of poverty being crushed by all these bills, knowing the bottom could fall out at anytime. My friends have helped to keep me going now. Then I didn't have any friends and I didn't really have any family either. The ER staff knew me by first name in that town. The prognosis was not good. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had gained 400lbs in 28 months. There was no mercy. 

                                           [from reddit]

"A SNEER For You As I Taste Your Tears with Glee"

I have mentioned this before, but I gathered my strength to go no contact looking at a picture from that time. I wish I could show it here, but have to keep my anonymity intact. In it, I am standing at 600lbs and something with bald spots on my head, covered body-wide in skin sores on the front stoop of our mouse infested two room Chicago brick building two storied apartment and my mother is at the door wearing crisp bright white linen shorts and a green blouse, her hair is brown, her eyes deep set, and on her face is a Joker's smirk. Looking at that picture years later in horror,  I realized something. She enjoyed my pain and misery. This was the time I was groomed to be under her thumb. With her basically teaching me not to depend on anyone, and that I was a worm that deserved nothing but misery. While other families would rally to help an ill member, with narcissists some of us are literally left to die.

As I got older, I realized no sane upper middle class family with financial resources would leave a daughter in such dire straits. I had never done drugs or drank or ran wild. But I was so so so hated. During my time of low contact I hid my health problems as best I could. During one family meal I went to after being in the hospital, almost passing out at the table, I ran to the bathroom to hide how sick I was. This was the time, I and my husband developed the rule, I must always leave my mother's house and other family homes if I took ill. I didn't trust them enough to be around them when sick. Looking back, I think why even bother with people like that? No one ever let me lay down either on long visits, more often then not, the hour and half car ride going and coming and sitting up all day would leave me with a leg infection.

Many of my health problems were worsened via my abuse; in fact the constant trauma led to the failure of my body. With the lipedema, if I had been diagnosed in high school, I could have been kept in stage one or two which means mobility. and being far smaller.  I wouldn't have almost lost my life to leg infections. My heart would not have been damaged by hypothyroidism which my doctors believe started in my teens. Severe untreated PCOS and insulin resistance took a major toll on my health as well, destroying my fertility and bringing me to diabetes. My lungs were damaged from all the untreated asthma as a teen. While at the age of 18, I got myself to the doctor and  got it diagnosed, the lack of medical insurance and help took a toll. Having to depend on the ER damaged my lungs where I had chronic bronchitis by the age of 19 and was fully entrenched on the way to COPD. Remember the breathing failed before the severe obesity came. There were years I was told, "You're Not Really Sick!" as I cried about my breathing, weakness and fatigue and what teachers were saying to me.

                                         [picture source]

"You're Sick Because You are Negative"

Toxic personalities have no empathy for illness. I even realized on a social website support board I was on, my admitted disabilities were cannon fodder for personality disorders in the mix. That is one sad factor of a growing narcissistic  society, be "less then" healthy and raring to go, or have diseases  without a cure, these types will try to make you a nobody. How dare you don't heal!  How dare you are not positive! They almost see it as a personal affront. I know now to run when I see personalities like that. Your problems get in the way of their narcissistic supply.

Toxics have no empathy for the ill. They lack the introspection to even think one day they could be ill, or bedridden or in pain. They do not think of the day when they may be old or sick. Time barely passes for a narcissist. Sociopaths don't sit around and get nostalgic. They don't give a damn. My narcissistic relatives lacked empathy for other ill people. I wasn't the only one. Things I observed with my mother and sister were quite scary and showed their lack of empathy. A few of things I have mentioned in other articles.

Here are some things I observed:

"No Mercy for A Broken Back"

1. My mother and her husband scoffed at a man they went to go visit in the hospital. He had fallen from a tree and broken his back. My mother said to me at the dinner table, "He was such a big baby, he asked me for a straw! How lazy can you get?"

"You're Taking Too Long to Die!"

2. My grandmother [a narcissist as well] got pancreatic cancer, and was living with my mother. She was still mobile and in the other room inside.  Sitting at a table on my mother's new deck, with my mother, Aunt Denial, and one other relative, my mother complains about taking care of her, a job she freely took on. Remember this is someone who will have no problem in acquiring hospice or getting in-home nurses as things progress. She leans across the table and with a sneer on her face says, "She is taking too long to die".

Aunt Scapegoat Colostomy Bag Smells!

3. Aunt Scapegoat is living with my mother for a short time after heart valve surgery. They live 120 miles from each other so my mother has not served as a caretaker for her except for this short period of weeks. She has been disabled since her 30s and is on tri-weekly dialysis. She is despondent and looking at the floor but otherwise healing physically. She goes into the other room. My mother starts a litany of complaints, "She is so disgusting, and lazy!" , "I have to do all the work around here, she won't lift a finger to help herself!", "Her colostomy bag stinks, I can't take the smell!", "She won't help herself!", "She won't join support groups!". I defend Aunt Scapegoat but to no avail. My mother considers her a lazy good-for nothing that deserved all her health problems.

It gets worse, my mother turns to me and says, "I wish she did not get the heart valve surgery, why does she fight to live, her life is worthless!" Why does she keep fighting for her life? It's a waste of time. I wish she would just die!" I realized at that moment how much she hated her sister. This was  time my mother's mask she wore in front of other people fell with a thud. Everything was about her feeling "put upon", she wasn't stuck in dialysis or having scary heart surgeries. Why take her in only to resent it? I was speechless and regret not saying more but that it was natural for people to fight for their lives and her life was in God's hands, but talking about God to Satan's daughter was an absolute waste of time.

"It's Your Fault You Broke Your Foot!"

4. An uncle broke his foot coming out of his trailer falling down some stairs, he is older, mildly overweight and works in a factory where he has to be physically fit and on his feet. My mother writes a joke, "At least I didn't push you".

"Be a Good Stoic Even When You Can't Breathe"

5. Around 7 years ago, my sister is visiting my mother but in a full blown asthma attack. Her chest is heaving. She sits there and take it. Pleasing Mommy means being the best stoic and staying over night with cats in the house she is allergic to.  Her face is a grey mask as she shows no distress or any emotions. Even the inability to feel fear, starts creeping me out more and more as I watch her. One day about a year later, I am having breathing problems that are severe. They are cold induced COPD stuff and asthma together. I have tears in my eyes but am not fully weeping. I have made the mistake of having the family get me out to travel in weather that is too cold. She says to me, "What's wrong with you?" "You need suck it up a bit."

Later when her daughter has some asthma problems, she looks annoyed as she whips out the breathing machine and methodically gets her ready for a breathing treatment.

"Heart Attacks? No Big Deal!"

6. My brother has his second heart attack, my mother does not go visit him not even during the first either.

7. My mother's own attitudes of health are like my sister. She has heart attacks and finishes the day at work without anyone knowing. She hides her medical conditions to the point I am still unsure what is real and not real.  Twenty five years ago, I found out about a heart attack she had a year later from my father.  Was it a lie? I don't know. I have never seen her show distress, fear or tears. Migraine headaches bought anger but that is all I have ever seen.

"Daddy's Not Having a Petit Mal Seizure, He's Resting!"

8. I wrote already about how my parents hid my father's seizures. He is another one that had a cold view and showed no emotions when under medical pressures. He was another stoic like my mother and sister. He displays anger at some health problems but never shows fear or normal emotional distress even to the day he died.

"COPD? No, You're Just Weak!"

9. One day I am visiting my mother's house. Her husband is in the room with me. I am telling him "I won't be able to make it to a family gathering in December due to the cold and my breathing problems". He tells me, that I am lazy and just making excuses. "You just tell yourself that and are making excuses". I try to tell him COPD is something real and say "How did I get here today if I am afraid to do anything?". He says, "We get tired of all your malingering." I never could win, she gave the whole family this narrative that all my health problems were my fault and that many of them didn't even exist. I can already hear her in my head telling the lot of them lipedema is a fantasy too.

"Dying in the Hospital? We Got Shopping to Do!"

10. There are 4-5 instances where I was in the hospital and never visited, some when I was seriously ill. My mother would check on Aunt Scapegoat who lived further away, at least once every 6-8 weeks.

These were scary people to be sick around. They all weird me out because I think how none of them seem to fear death or sickness. Stoicism is the demand. When I was young, there was never any nurturance, a hand on the forehead, a cool washcloth during a fever. Never any kind words or mercy. One smear campaign I know that has been done against me, is putting me down for being disabled. It showed in the words of that one cousin and the family narrative, was that I was "fat and lazy". Nothing I could do was right. This was the worse family any person struggling with illness could have had. I have no time for people who act like them either.

My mother attempted to rewrite history and covering her tracks and wrote to me, "What exactly am I supposed to do for you. Years ago I offered to help you out with medical bills so you could go to the Mayo Clinic and get a handle of all your medical issues. ****** reminded me of that and the fact you did nothing."

This was a flat out lie but this is what she has told others for years, turning them against me.

My response in one of my last letters was:

"You did not really try to take me to Mayo. You drove to Minneapolis to go shopping at the Great Mall of America in 1997. I have the pictures, including the shot of you smirking at me while I'm opening the door-this was during my hyper-rapid weight gain, when I was covered from head to toe in sores. I found this picture very disturbing. If you had been concerned about my health you would have driven me to Rochester rather then shopping til you dropped."

I am facing the fact, and healing comes with truth, the truth is, they didn't care about me. I cared about myself to get away from them. Going no-contact for me literally was about saving my life. 

Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother?

Never Get Old

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

World's Biggest Boy

Hitler finds out Ebola landed in Dallas

The irony is deep in this one, I don't agree with the free hand-out line but the rest says a lot. I know this has woken up a lot of people but the Kool-Aid drinkers who ignore the moon suits and try to tell me Ebola isn't easy to catch floor me.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Obama Does Not Care About Americans

The only thing that makes sense is he wants to ACTIVELY DESTROY this country for the global elites. Remember Ebola has a 70% death rate. All the people who warned about this guy were called "conspiracy theorists". I want to vomit at all the graveyard whistlers on my Facebook, all funnily Kool-Aid drinking Democrats not independent thinking ones, who tell me how HARD Ebola is to get. Funny, so hard to get, but your doctor and nurses have to dress like they are going to the moon! Yeah right!

Just so you know AFRICAN countries have instituted a TRAVEL BAN and CARIBBEAN ISLAND NATIONS. 

No one will be helped letting EBOLA SPREAD MORE. 

Update: At least Obama did something, I was reading too much right wing crap when I was a fundamentalist even though I hated the Republican party. Imagine if Trump had been president during Ebola?

Aspie Conversation II

From the Girl With the Curly Hair:

Oh my goodness yes. There are Aspie friendly NTs who like deep conversation but I often find myself thinking of some neurotypicals how is all that shallow small talk enough for them? Maybe they get fulfillment off the body gestures and other nuances as one commenter brought up. Maybe all the reading between the lines does it for them? I am not sure. I know with my family, my desire for deep conservation was a totally unmet need except for with  the "Aunt That Loved Me".  I made them angry just being who I was, this worsened of course by their narcissism. Those who want to "keep it light" are angered by me easily. I find myself frustrated and bored though with the years by these types, I learned to dampen things down a bit for social ease.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Cartoon College: Wish I Could Go!

If I won the Lotto, I'd go to Vermont and get some comics training. Of course I have to see this movie. Anyhow I still work on that comic I talked about a long time ago. It's slow going like my comic opus, but continuing. There is something like 80 panels in the can.  Imagine a pictorial version of everything I talk about on here with ironic humor tossed in.

Narcissist No Contact Maintenance

All good reminders for No Contact Maintenance.

More Kidney Problems....

I have to get an MRI [hope I fit and can over come the lying down problems though a non-head scan is easier] because they found a renal lesion. This is to outrule kidney cancer though they
think chances are it is a kidney cyst. I do not know what to think yet.

What is odd is I had constant scans because of the kidney stones and this is the first time they have seen it. There were no stones via my medicines, but they found a 2 centimeter kidney lesion. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I would like to hear about it. In 2004, because of odd hormones, I even had a CT of my adrenals and kidneys for adrenal tumors, but none were found.

Like I don't have enough bad medical stuff to deal with? I ask myself "How can one body have so much wrong with it?". Please pray for me. I hope it is just a cyst they don't have to do anything about. I have had weird kidney problems over the last two years and fear even the affect of medications for other conditions.

Aspie Conversation

Aspies tend to be blunt. Many of us will learn to make sure we don't hurt people's feelings but we prefer when it's all laid out, instead of hemming and hawing and guessing. How often have I had to tell people "I am not a psychic!". I know I break so many neurotypical conversation rules it's not funny. I ignore things like status when conversing with people, and too much of my life had to learn to "filter" so I would get along with people but I have to admit outside of a few close neurotypical friends I am at most at ease in conversation with Aspies, because I don't have to censor every other little thing. I do see the neurotypicals communicating a lot via body language and inferred meanings. These things are far harder for an Aspie.

Lipedema Hits National Media

Living with Lymphedema and Lipedema

Be sure to watch the video at the link


One part of recovery is owning your feelings and knowing you have the right to them. Many of those who were emotionally abused or had narcissistic families will recall how they were told that their feelings were wrong or they did not have a right to have them. In my experience, all my feelings were ignored, invalidated or mocked. That was no way to grow up. It also silences a person to a deep degree that is not good at all. The psychologists say an internal locus of control improves mental health, owning and recognizing our own feelings is a path to developing one.

Friday, October 10, 2014

The Nature of Evil and NPD Families

Ever read this book?

This book saved my life when I was around the age of 18-19 and read it. It was a book that impacted my life greatly and snatched me from the abyss, my family had set me upon the edge of. There are scapegoats who succumb to soul murder.  I could have been one of them. They become at one with their abusers via Stockholm Syndrome or are destroyed due to mental illness and even suicide in the worse cases.

That was my first inclination it was THEM [who was the problem] and not ME and a short time before I made my first escape.

I don't agree with Peck on everything.  I am a born again Christian [John 3:7], yes the type that believes in bible prophecy and more but he is definitely right about many qualities of evil. He cracks the nature of evil and how it is a false face, a mask, a sheep in wolves clothing.

Those who hate the light love the darkness and they are the enemies of those who seek after truth and goodness in this world. Those who live in the lie, do not want truth. They hate truth-tellers who tend to be the ones scapegoated in the family. They twist things to their own ends. They do operate in shadows with a smile on their face in public while stabbing people they desire to in the back. They do turn others to evil except for those of us who escape.

Psalm 68:6King James Version (KJV)
God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

Notice the above verse says God bringeth out those which are bound with chains. Many ACONs understand the concept of being bound with chains, mentally and even physically. Going NC is having the chains smashed. My own chains to these wicked people simply lasted too long. Blinded by the messages in society to "love your family" even as my stomach ached around them, I worked too hard, too long going to empty dry evil wells. Inside my soul, I felt the coldness and darkness around them and knew something was very wrong.

 There are spiritual components to narcissistic abuse. I know it altered my life spiritually and otherwise. The spiritual battle between good and evil are happening for many of us.  I believe there are families where evil rules, and I came out of one. At times I have struggled with worrying I am evil just for coming from this family but have taken this to God in prayer. We all have faults but there is a big differences between a narcissist/sociopath and a well intentioned person with a conscience that knows right from wrong.  Does this mean every member is evil? Every human being has their our own wickedness to struggle with but most malignant narcissists have made a choice for evil and infested our families with it. Emotions, empathy, nostalgia, goodness, closeness, softness are stamped out by their sociopathic feet and focus on appearances.

Growing up, my parents would slap me in the face screaming, "You are too sensitive!". All feelings were hated except for anger, even joy and laughter was met with suspicion and jealousy. They tried to train me to be evil telling me I needed to buck up, shut up and go with the system. My parents both lived in spiritual darkness and were/are slaves to the system. My father would instruct me in the ways of "getting over". They did not want me close to others, and did not want me to show empathy.  I refused which made them angrier and angrier and their hate of me grew. In other words, my desire to be a "good" person even as I was in my period of religious seeking and desiring morality and idealistic goals for my life was something they desired to thwart. This is the greatest way any parent could fail.

 Among narcissists and sociopaths, any love is seen as "weakness". This message was conveyed to me constantly. Both parents hated any idealism, altruism, any love of art, any desire for greater things, later my religious faith would be under attack. One main reason I am separate from most of my relatives is covered in scripture too where Jesus warns about division coming within families.

Luke 12:53
The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

In other words I was surrounded by stone cold brutes who rejected and spit on everything I held dear. Mentioning God despite their feigned appearances of piety would sooner earn one a smack then any deep conversations. Those simply did not exist.

My father told me, there was no such thing as real friends. How sad. He would tell me how he only trusted my mother [she betrayed him massively behind the scenes] and there were no friends who would have his back. Looking back on this comment, I am sure she set things up that way for him.  Friends may have told the truth to my father or realized the degree of control he was under by his wife.  My father would tell me I was "too weak" and needed my personality to change to succeed in the world. Imagine an Aspie under those pressures.  I remember laughing around my friends accidentally in front of my parents and being punished for it where they would make fun of the very fact I was laughing! Even as I went NC last year, both my NM and GC sister would complain about the very fact I had friends.

Cockroaches flee when the light gets turned on them. Malignant narcissists fight to shut you up.  They don't want you talking. This is the reason for the years of campaigns to devalue and silence those who speak the truth. They plug the ears of those around you. There is no goodness where there is no truth. Their hatred for the truth is one reason they have turned on you!

When did I first suspect my family was evil? Very young. Get hit enough times, get locked in your room for hours and hours or have your hair pulled out by it's roots or smacked into your brother's head on purpose where your father grabs your head and knocks it hard into your brothers, you know you are not surrounded by kindness.  I knew even young, I was lied to all the time. I knew something was very wrong with my parents very early on. Other mothers soothed, smiled and hugged their children. They did not gaze upon their daughters with absolute disgust. [mine only had disdain for me even during my thinner years.] They did not push them into their bedroom when disgusted and lock the door leaving them in there for hours. They did not laugh to friends about leaving their baby for hours in a crib unattended, or about how one way-ward baby sitter used the door-locks on the bedroom room doors of her children all weekend while she partied with her boyfriend. I looked at  parents on TV shows like on The Brady Bunch, Little House on the Prairie, and Happy Days and noticed they were totally different.  While they corrected their children at times, showed them love, did not hit them and considered them as fellow human beings. My Mom of choice was Carol Brady and Dad of choice was Pa Ingalls [Michael Landon]. I knew TV parented me probably more then my parents did.

When I was an 18, I faced the facts that things had gotten even more sick. I insisted on going away to college but sadly still trapped in the place of hoping one day success and more would bring love from my parents right before I made my first no contact.. Evil seemed to grow even worse in my family.  My father had literal fistfights with my brother in the hallways of our 6 bedroom suburban house next to the country club. My GC sister while always the favorite changed massively in her teens. The day she stabbed a large serving fork into the wall going after my brother in full bore rage, told me she was modeling herself after my parents. What caused this fight? It had to do with him messing up the VCR for the taping of her and my mother's favorite TV show-General Hospital which they still watch 30 years down the road every day. She started screaming at me and my brother all the time to clean and be neater. She desired to model herself like my mother and basically became her and this worsened as we all aged. Instead of breaking away from my mother, she became more closely enmeshed. She never had a teenage rebellion but walked in footsteps laid out by my mother and part of that process was the closing down of her conscience and spirit. Later I will talk more about thralldom in this article but she definitely was in thrall to my mother as well. She had no problem just flat out lying. One high school friend, upon seeing a picture of my sister, was in shock, "That doesn't look like her at all!". Evil changes the countenance, and my sister's now dark eyes and clouded pinched face reveal her insides.

The spiritual changing of my sister is one thing I am not sure I will ever be able to get over. Why you may ask? I remember when she loved me as a child and I her despite my mother's evil influences. I still have letters we wrote each other. That person is no longer here. I seriously feel like someone who had a sister die and in many ways I am.  This is something evil can do. When someone turns away from the light multiple times it shows, it vanquishes their very soul. Yes I would go so far to say that is exactly what happened. The light in the eyes switches off.

I want my nieces and nephews to be good people, but with her as an example I am deeply worried. To be frank, she has gotten so bad, I was getting the willies around her in our last conversations.

With the side relatives, such as Aunt Confused living with us from time to time and Aunt Scapegoat even once, I was surrounded by lies, denial, substance abuse, overt mental illness and cloying, scrapping and bowing sickening subservience to narcissists. Most of the relatives were sick too and succumbed to evil. Even that cousin who used threatening language on me a few weeks ago would never dare to challenge a family narcissist in the same fashion, she saw me as a "safe target".  Her mother was on the pedestal never to be questioned.  One ironic thing was how she screamed at me for having worked so hard all her life. She is one scapegoat that took on her donkey load and more at the behest of the narcissists, don't blame me for that one! That was one way things worked too, they would never speak out against a narcissist even if angry. Cowardice RULES among the evil. Neither aunt ever defended me to the narcissists but would help them out every step of the way. The wicked ensured that my family life was run like a Gestapo office with clicking heels, betrayals and lies around every corner and boot-lickers making it tough for everyone.

Peck writes:

"It is my experience that evil seems to run in families. p 80 If evil were easy to recognize, identify and manage, there would be no need for this book. But the fact of the matter is that it is the most difficult of all things with which to cope. p 130 [Evil] will contaminate or otherwise destroy a person who remains too long in its presence. p 65

Evil does run in families. Both sides of mine are massively infected. One thing about the wicked is yes they will contaminate others, they will turn others toward evil. I saw the influence on my father from my mother. She would get others to team up with her to destroy others. You were either on her team and one of her choice people or someone she went after. She would flatter those she wanted to please--people more on the sidelines not privy to all her evil deeds and would gang up people against those she hated. I obviously saw her in action when it came to my brother's ex-wife. My mother had this way of bonding with other people over a "hate-fest" of another soul, where they would clamor to join her in trashing the target so she would like them. Hours and Hours of conversation flowed upon the negative attributes of her focused on scapegoat of the hour. I saw this time and time again. I know I was a target too. Otherwise how did I lose so many within my family?

I think about the evil I witnessed, being abandoned myself in the big city, the abuse, cruelties and medical neglect. I even have thought about how most people with severe disabilities are not thrown away by their families like yesterday's trash, but treated with kindness and mercy. I told one friend that in a support group, sometimes it got painful watching parents who were even there for their adult children struggling with the challenge of depression. These were families where the people loved each other and not where narcissists were out to destroy someone. Even the evil I know others have faced, Aunt Scapegoat and Aunt Confused, disturbs me to this day. The lies, and more measure up to the ceiling.

I had one odd moment of doing some recent family research in an old newspaper online was finding out even my father's mother- my paternal grandmother, was sued by one woman she had got committed to the insane asylum back in the 1950s for $25,000. This woman claimed my grandmother along with a friend gave false testimony so she would get tossed in the loony bin. Let's just say that I now highly suspect a grandmother who died when I was the age of one, was evil too.   The strain of coldness and cruelty seems to go very far back. So wonder my father was ready to commit his own sister.

My mother's constant sneers and mockery of others was frightening. I would look at other children with their parents and feel something die inside, knowing they were loved and I was not. Like the son Roger in the book, who Peck writes about whose parents never take his feelings into account, my mother made the choice to be insensitive.  My father was no better. His violent rages showed his black heart.

[Evil is] the exercise of political power--that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion--in order to avoid...spiritual growth...Because their willfulness is so extraordinary--and always accompanied by a lust for power--I suspect that the evil are more likely than most to politically aggrandize themselves.....There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others.p 78
[In describing one of his patients, Peck says] Charlene's desire to make a conquest of utterly control our relationship, knew no bounds. It seemed to be a desire for power pure
ly for its own sake. p 176 She wanted the reigns in her hands every moment. p 158

One thing about my father is while he was a narcissist too, he was in thrall to my mother, same as Hartley the milquetoast weak husband to Sarah in "People of the Lie." Notice how Hartley did Sarah's bidding at every step even as she insulted him emasculated him and called him nothing. He reacted with depression but still never challenged her. My mother and father screamed and yelled at each other without fail, with my mother making constant demands of my father, leaving him no energy for anyone else but in the end whatever she said went. I can't even recall one time where he made a stand against her or didn't submit to her wishes. This is true for my entire family come to think of it. I am the only one who has ever "rebelled".

His "thralldom" to my mother allowed him to be led by the nose into even worse behavior. Peck goes into thralldom of evil in this book and says that Hartley was in thrall to Sarah. Charlene while more of a borderline type sociopath also too expected complete control in any relationship.

 My father would have his rare moments were it seemed he wanted to change to be a better person but it vaporized under her spell. There were times he tried to get close to me, but she would shut it down in an instant. She had a way of goading him on and having him erase all his vestiges of kindness encouraging meaner and colder behavior. To please her, he chose wickedness. He put her on a pedestal treating his own children like objects but he made this choice to submit to evil.

 One aspect of evil, and one reason the Bible warns to depart from the wicked, is they are indeed a bad influence. Bad company corrupts good manners. If you are around people who are mean, you can become meaner yourself.  He chose his wicked behavior in the end and joined her in malignant narc-hood. As my father literally beat on my brother ripping and tearing his hair out and knocking him about for getting Cs instead of As on his report card, there was no doubt in my mind he was evil as well.  His mother never tried to protect him or me either for that matter. No normal person would watch their child get beaten and sit there idly by. Most of the time she complained and tattled on us children to earn his rage. Living with both screaming, screeching, hitting, mean people, I knew they were evil very early on. I was scared of both my parents quite actively by the age of 5. They terrorized me.

Peck is right that the wicked desire power above all else. They don't want your love, kindness, or friendship. They don't want to share the inside of their heart with you or anyone else. They want your submission. I almost went NC, Christmas of 2012 instead of June of 2013. This was the time, my mother made the rules that no one was to talk about certain topics, during a family event and I protested in a shared email with the family, she literally got the whole family to gang up against me as I wrote, "I am a Christian and cannot be told not to talk about God at all" and "We are adults no one should be telling us what to talk about." All the cowards in this exchange backed her up as they threw me under the bus to keep her pleased. It did not escape my mind, that she was always the one chosen, while I was nothing to these people. My brother wrote, "Personally I think if Mom wants us to follow these rules, it's her choice".

During the two minute present drop-off on Christmas of 2012, I have the horrific memory of her giant SNEER walking down my apartment hall to dump the presents turn around and leave. Spiritually that day watching this parade, I felt utter spiritual darkness.  Her husband obediently followed her like a puppy out the door even when I asked them to stay a few minutes.  I think this is because she knew I had relented and failed to go No Contact that week. In other words, this smirking Joker's smile was her way of saying, "You have lost and I have won". I had seen this face other times before but been somehow blind to it. How sick was that? While I knew I failed that day to break away, it strengthened my resolve to do so. Today I know my abandonment in the big city in severe poverty was part of the grooming process.
The evil deny the suffering of their guilt--the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and imperfection--by casting their pain onto the other through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. The evil cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. p 123-124

The evil do create a miniature sick society, their own cult as it were, and my family is run like a cult, where the head narcs demand unending respect. The flying monkeys will also punish you for refusing this respect. Mine would scream about respect constantly.  I was even thinking about the cousin who called using threatening language, telling me off. I know for a fact she would never dare to talk to any narcissists she had real anger towards that way. She had been ditched by several local relatives and my own siblings and mother ignored her and treated her as nothing. She saw me as a "safe target". Talk about sick! As any scapegoated ACON will tell you, the other abused in your midst who you think would form fellow allies to help you make a stand never do. They submit and give in. I know I am totally on my own. Even some of the other abused, while they may complain about the narcissists privately to you or tell you they even agree, most will go where the power is, and never make a stand for you.
Human weakness and cowardice gives evil a place, and once it's in, it grows. Peck is right the evil never admit their sins. My mother never has admitted wrong doing in her entire life. I have never heard a true apology or desire to make things right with another person. She always has affirmed her superiority over every living soul. She never has admitted one mistake. My father never admitted one mistake either or ever uttered the sentence, "I am sorry." This attitude exists in my golden child sister and many others within the family. There is no meeting of minds, or discussions, there is only the submission she expects and always gets from the rest.

The evil hate the light--the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of truth that penetrates their deception.p 179 Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the sociopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness.p 76

The seared wicked will never repent. With malignant narcissists, you will note they will never admit any wrongdoing. Self examination is simply not done. I know when my mother called me a liar, or told me I could not hear what she said to gaslight me, she was sweeping her evil under the rug as Peck states. It was her mode of operation to blame me for her own wrongdoings and sins. Others including me were always in the wrong. I know my mother's focus on calling me a liar was really projection, she was the liar, and in her own immorality could never be capable of any self-examination. The sad thing is years ago, I would try to make things right and even told her I knew I had done many things wrong. She merely gloated.

Evil does destroy people. I look at my health and it is definitely the result. What do you think I feel about crawling out of a family weighing this much with such severe health problems impacting so many bodily systems, when before I left, I saw nothing but lithe people with rare exceptions who had health I could not even dream of? They do cast on everything bad onto the scapegoat, so they look good next to you and that is their main focus, APPEARANCES, and having the pretense to look good.

While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their "goodness" is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. That is why they are the "people of the lie". The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. p 76
Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors--either to others or to themselves. p 104 Because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable p 76....Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. p 106

We know that narcissists are all about appearances. They desire to look good to others. This is extreme in my mother. My mother and father wanted the world to see them as good people but did not work to actually BECOME good people. They sold their souls to mammon. They wanted success and money and embraced a dog eat dog ethos to achieve it all.  They desired power and admiration over love.

 The evil wear a false mask, one for the outside and one for at home. Many ACONs can attest how their evil parents fooled the world. Mine did big time and one continues to do so to this day. I have cousins and nieces and nephews who think my mother is this loving grandmother or aunt with arms full of presents who would never hurt a fly. They and other relatives see me as the "crazy one" for fleeing away from her and denouncing her actions.  Appearances  is why I still get birthday cards to this day. She has to write and mail one in front of her husband to assure him that she is a "normal" mother and I am the cruel daughter who ignores them. Every ACON can attest to how their sociopathic and/or malignant narcissist mother or father fooled others. The world believes these disguises and this is one reason many of us go through not being believed. We will be told by others, "Your mother really loved you!" even as we share stories of horrible abuse and lies.  The narcissists know how to cover up what they really are and manipulate people into thinking they are good and decent people who only want the best for you as they actively work to destroy you behind the scenes.
The false masks fool the world, at least we are not fooled.

All in all, when I read this book at the age of 18, I knew THEN that my parents were PEOPLE OF THE LIE. This rescued me from total destruction in that I knew something with them was very wrong. That it had spiritual roots, and that I desired far more for my life and for myself. One thing I wanted to finalize here, is that Peck wrote on page 267, "Evil can be defeated by goodness". I pray to God definitely in this matter, trusting in the righteousness of Jesus Christ for my salvation, not my own. Those who seek and love truth and reject evil and lies are in a far better spiritual place then narcissists.

We should be glad we did not become them out of family systems like this. That we do desire goodness and truth. That we rejected evil. That we escaped evil and ran from it. It is not easy for me to write, that these people were and are evil and malicious. I had to face the truth though to heal and remove myself from it. 

Update: I am not longer a Christian and deconverted in 2017. As for evil and good, humans should seek to follow empathy and compassion. There is much in religion that enables evil and abuse.