Monday, April 27, 2015

My Message to an Obesity Researcher

People Living With Obesity Need a Voice

"Nothing will change until they stop calling fat people liars, and the profit motive behind the failed answers is not held as the highest priority. I spent 17 years trying to find out why I was so overweight and this means years of suffering and almost dying of leg infections before finding out I had Lipedema Stage IV which is a rare fat disorder. The doctors even had discovered the endless "fatty tumors" throughout my body as early as 2000. My blog was started even to find out what was wrong with me 5 years ago and I achieved that goal. The diets are failing, many of us eat normal amounts of calories--I track all my food and follow a nutritionist and we are still fat and judged by society. They think everyone's body works the same. Nothing will change for the better until the stigma is removed and fat people are BELIEVED." 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

A Reminder

I got this one off one of my Lipedema health support boards. It is an essential reminder.

Gift of Empathy

A Sane Person

A Not To Do List for Chronic Illness

My list for this week:

1. Go Mellow out!

2. "It is not your fault, you have tried your best!"

3.  Distract myself. One hobby I have that actually is kind of a weird one lately, is taking online psychological surveys. I hope my big fat Aspie self is not skewing tests. LOL I got to share my opinions about feminism on one and write about the emotions of music on another.

4. "Do what you can and let the chips fall where they may." A philosophy I had to embrace some years ago to avoid the psych ward.

5. Rest when you want. Sleep as much as you feel like sleeping. If you feel depressed go find something fun to do like read a comic.

I am giving myself pep talks today to avoid despair nipping at my heels:

1. You can make it through. They will get your sugars down.  {I've had my diet regulated for many months-I have to even to keep from gaining weight and the small loss}

2. Stop worrying about cancer, it could just be a cyst!

3. No more guilt for being sick! 

4. Remember all the people who love you like your husband and friends!

Fast Food, Fat Profits and Obesity

 They should ask how so many thin people can eat that stuff and stay thin? I really wish I could sneak a camera into a grocery store and take pictures of what I see people buying.

If I ate McDonalds for every meal like that one guy, I'd be dead. I haven't eaten fast food in years. I believe it is something more insidious then everyone just starting to supposedly "pig out". People I know who even avoid fast food are staying fat. Many fat people I know do not touch any sugar-filled drinks. In my experience everyone over 300lbs is afraid of drinking a regular Coke. However I am sure this stuff is not doing anyone's health any favors.

With the schools, they buy processed food and the guy who says "It's all about the money". The profit motive in my opinion is ruining the health and the food.  One lady states: "The Economic Factors of our food structure are working completely against our public health". Hey when profit comes above everything else, they aren't putting health first.

Be Yourself!

Some of them will try but don't listen to them!

"Why Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims"

"Why Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims"

"Today I’m the black sheep and the “loser” of my family. I’m never included in family functions because of my poverty and the fact I’m “different” than the rest of them. Although they disapprove of me, I really became exactly what they needed me to be. My becoming a “loser” ensured they would always be winners.

Sadly we are set up to be life long victims by narcissist families. This same exact dynamic happened to me as you all know.

"Although as an adult I’m no longer bullied (and am Very Low Contact with my ex), people still try to push me around, treat me like a mental defective, leave me out of conversations, overlook me for promotions or raises at work, or just talk over or look through me as if I’m not there at all. When I say something, people act like they don’t hear me. It’s very hard for me to make friends or fight back when I need to because I was trained from an early age to be so very afraid of everyone. I’m the proverbial shrinking Violet and wallflower–the kind of woman my mother used to mock for being so “insipid.” I seem to have the opposite of charisma."

I relate to Otter here, I was trained to be afraid of people too. This is the worse thing our narcissist parents do setting up us for more abuse by the world.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

My Body is Falling Apart

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I've been having this odd recurring dream lately. In this dream, I am going to swim in a pool and the water is warm and luxurious and I am far thinner and fit. It is almost like a dream of another life. It is one I wish I had. People take health for granted. One time I asked God for another go-around. Christians do not believe in reincarnation but I would like to see what life would have been like in a normal body.

Sometimes lately I ask myself, why did I have to be the one in five million with a body that is so scary?  I am having some big time health struggles lately. I am not in acute medical danger right now or I would already be at the ER but I am exhausted. I have not been right since that long time illness last winter. I have bad visions of my narc family cheering upon my demise.

 Insulin doesn't seem to even be working on me since I started on some and my sugars are in the 240s. One good friend assured me, that insulin when you first start works gradually and they have to adjust the dose, and I am under the care of a visit at home diabetes nurse right now but it seems strange. I thought it would work better then this. Its good she told me this though. Of course worry-wart me is wondering if I am some rare person insulin doesn't work on then I will be screwed.

On May 5th I find out if that kidney lesion was cancer or not, and yes I am scared.

I read they plan to do a head transplant on someone. If they figure this one out and it works, I'll line right up even though the whole concept seems Frankenstein like.  Put me on a skinny body that has a high metabolism.

I was supposed to go on an antibiotic last week but they called in one, I am allergic to.  I wish I had thought of it when the doctor was here but was paying more attention to my diabetes problems and insulin. I get brain fogs all the time and am paying for that one big time. Everything seems too complicated. Does anyone else feel like that or am I going senile from being sick and growing old? I can't keep track of things as well as I used to. I had to make 4 phone calls and still nothing has been called in. I am not sure why my doctor did not call one in.

I don't feel sick as far as an infection goes but they did a test for a UTI which was positive. I don't have symptoms but they are worried because of the high blood sugars. The nurse told me she thinks I should be on an antibiotic since my sugars are so high and there were no changes in the diet and elsewhere. When the nurse is here, I'm going to have her try and get my doctor on the phone. If I get acutely sick or get a leg infection, I have a refill on another antibiotic but the pharmacist told me that one didn't work on UTIs. I have a sinus infection in the works too.

 Some of this medical stuff wears me out. It gets tiring. I didn't remember the name of a drug and got screwed for four days trying to call people. This includes having the pharmacy sending a fax, a call to my doctor, and calling the nurse. Overall I made 7 phone calls before I gave up for the weekend. Maybe I should have just took the antibiotic related to penicillin. [I'm allergic to penicillin]

Sometimes I worry if I got really sick, I would not be able to get anything done as I would collapse in bed and nothing would get done. The Victorians became invalids and I'm there. My husband needs to learn how to cook as I cannot live on hot dogs but I wonder if he is noticing how much I am trashing the kitchen even to make vegetable soup or a chicken salad wrap?

I was ready to have an Aspie meltdown and while I made all phone calls, simply did not want to make anymore.  I hate the whole "drug" system and believe there should be full legalization of everything where I can go buy whatever I want off the shelf. without being on my hands and knees for it. I am for complete and utter drug legalization across the board for all drugs.  Does this shock a few people but the phone marathons have worn me out. The nurse is going to be in shock when she finds out I didn't get any on Monday. 

As an Aspie making constant phone calls stresses me out and creates severe anxiety, especially when you are required to bug people over and over,  having to cloak some semblance of politeness and rationality and then your Aspie/ACON over sensitive brain thinks they are going to hate you for calling them a million zillion times. Then you give up because you can't take it anymore and you already called the pharmacy 10 times to see if anything was called in and it's melt down time. What is with the medical world? Why do they put things like this off. Am I one in a thousand being overlooked? The neurotypicals seem to complicate things that should be so simple.

I've never had diabetes do this to me too either. My body is falling apart. I joined this board for very fat people and noticed these other 400 and 500lb people had money, jobs and lives. While they had some health and mobility problems no one was sick like me. It kind of shocked me. I almost wanted to ask what their secret was. Midlife crisis or end of life crisis times 10. What the hell happened to me? Sometimes I dream of being anyone else but me. It's not self hatred just a desire for escape from all the suffering and economic woes. I want to be "somebody". I want to "belong somewhere". Aren't those natural human desires?

Some people tell me I would be more healthy if I was less of worry-wart. I sometimes wonder if I should just become irresponsible and focus on having fun, blood sugars be damned, since my body is falling apart anyway. I hear about diabetics all the time who say "screw diabetes" and wonder if this is what motivated their  stance. My doctors don't realize that fear of blindness kept me the most compliant diabetic on earth.  Ever since I saw Mary Ingalls lose her sight on "Little House on the Prairie", this is one medical outcome I never wanted to face. I'm already deaf. Interestingly enough the diabetes nursing center told me being a diabetic like me for as long as 15 years without needing insulin is almost unheard of.

 I keep talking to my husband about "running away". Run away to Finland or New Mexico or run away from this body? Sometimes it horrifies me what has happened to me. Absolutely horrifies me. Even Job had more normal body then me.

 Austerity has given me nothing but a headache. I laugh at all the people who say EAT HEALTHY AND DIET and it will solve all problems. My diet has been tightened down with screws and I may as well be eating 5 pies a day by how my body is responding. Sure whatever you say "Fat Logic" Reddit board, I just don't believe in that magic trick anymore.

This body is one of madness. Sometimes I look at other people and the way their bodies work and are all put together, and I think how did it work out so well for them? I am tired of having everything be so complicated. One does think about life quality and what does it mean if your life is nothing but pills, laying in bed, and exhaustion or trying to find happiness while hiding pain?  What if you feel like you are losing the battle? There's no books out there to tell one how to deal with almost 20 years of serious illness or going mad from one in 5 million rare health problems?

Learning to Remove All Narcs From Your Life

                                          [source: Pinterest]

As you get deeper into recovery, you will start noticing those people who treat you the same as your family or other abusers did. You realize you have the same emotions and feelings around these people. One thing I noticed is my "narc-radar" got far better. The narc eyes and rest would alert you. You realized such folks never would listen to you and they had this sneer on their face as you talked and often got others to ignore or devalue you. I realized with horror, when young, I had picked up narcs like candy once I had left my family.

One was this college friend who I realized was very much like my sister in personality but very career directed and more intellectual. She always put herself first and everything was to be directed from her convenience. She would ignore me for months but if someone got sick and she wanted medical advice, she would call or write me while ignoring me the rest of the year and telling me she was "too busy". Watch out for the busy-body narcs, who play martyrs as they are put upon acting like they are perfect.  Our go-go society serves as a platform for them to treat people like garbage under the guise of too many obligations.

 Her selfishness was extreme. It makes me sad to think in college, I was chasing after this person I was so desperate for friends, but then I had carried, that neediness right out of the house with my parents into my college experience. This friendship was ended only months after my original no contact with my mother and sister. She didn't care either, just like them.

It seemed to me when I was young, I either befriended ACONs or fellow Aspies, or out and out narcs. The former type of friends would be successful friendships while the narcs gave me endless trouble. One thing I realize is in a desperation not to be alone and here add in my severe weight problems and Aspergers, narcissists were given too much of a place in my life. However once you go no contact and you start paying attention to the people who make you feel like your family did, you realize the world is full of narcissists. My policy now is to get as far away from them as possible.

The danger with narcissists is to others they appear kind and good. Some of the most crafty ones may even fool you a bit, as you pay attention to that sick feeling in your stomach, smiling and telling jokes, but you always realize there is a rejection there, as they seem to insult you always in front of others, and their word seemingly is always law. You can't disagree with them and they shut you down.

Going NC will change your outlook and what you are willing to tolerate. It definitely has with me. It can be a troubling time as you seek to adjust how you deal with the world. Already as an Aspie, I know I get tired from how society runs, but then I added this, avoiding narcs and people who are negative to me. You want to follow general rules, if you feel on edge around someone, or ignored or devalued or not listened to, listen to those red flags. I know I have the freedom to walk from negative people being disabled but some of you are stuck with them at work. In that case freeze them out as much as you can and let them know as little as possible about you.

Studying narcissism and sociopathy, you do realize how prevalent it is in society. It can be an extreme eye-opener and help you see through the "games people play". Lately I am tempted to become a hermit.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

A Word From Mr. Peep

                                                                    [picture source]

My husband told me he wanted to write a message to me on my blog in celebration of our upcoming anniversary, and the other day he got it done. I thought it was very sweet. 

A Message From Mr. Peep

Greetings, one and all, this is Peep's husband, who drops in whenever his schedule allows. Now I return to air a topic that's been on my mind for quite awhile, so it only seems fitting to follow through – and, while I'm addressing my comments to Peep, you're all welcome to join in, as always.

As many of you know, it's no secret that we've seen our ups and downs financially, of which Peep has mentioned some of the details. I share Peep's disappointment at seeing our bank account shudder in response to all the pressures inflicted on it – especially when she only has to look around and see people who haven't experienced those kinds of situations.

However, it's easy to forget – amid our own misfortunes, whatever shape they happen to take – what we do right. Whether we realize it or not, we touch the lives of others. Sometimes, though, we see the ripple effect until a long time after the fact, which causes us to dismiss our own efforts – unfairly so, in my opinion.

In our case, Peep, I see someone who has made a real difference – one that goes far beyond the confines of the “Nest” that we've shared for just over 20 years now. That started even before you met me, when you still worked as an art teacher. That role gave you the chance to change young offenders' lives – however corny that phrase might sound – and expose them to more positive ideas (self-expression), instead of a downward spiral into a life of crime. 

You have mentioned bumping into students who thanked you for your efforts, and while you didn't have many encounters, I don't think they were the only ones who felt that way. Having seen your occasional classes and/or activities in recent years, I've gotten a glimpse of the art teacher that you committed to becoming. I've no doubt that you would have enjoyed a great career in the field, had your body not gotten the better of you.

You made a difference during our mutual involvement in causes – which continues today, though not necessarily at the same pace as before. At a time when the majority seemed content to “go with the flow,” particularly on the Iraq War, you were willing to take a different stand, and made some long-lasting friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

The chance to connect with people who share similar thoughts and feelings is an important part of “life's rich pageant,” as they call it – and I have seen you do this, over and over again, sometimes with people who are a little bit older, and sometimes, a little bit younger. I also share your sadness at seeing some of those friends pass on – but when they did, at least they knew how much you cared about them, which is one small comfort that you can take. 

You made a difference in their lives, and – in turn – helped make an impression on the wider world around you. The same might be said of your online conversations and advice that I've seen you dish out, time and time again, to people when they needed it. Whether they followed it thoroughly or accepted it unconditionally is an entirely different matter, but – then and now – it's always been a constant of your nature, to “pay it forward” by helping someone who really needs it. 

Of course, your blogs are further evidence of this ability to connect with other people who aren't like yourself. During our time together, I've watched you grow from an aspiring painter and cartoonist to a gifted commentator, thinker and writer – one with an ever-growing, passionate and committed fan base. That's no small feat, especially when you consider how many folks dream of reaching this step – yet, through their own apathy and inertia, assure themselves of never getting there. 

In that sense, while the royalties haven't arrived at your doorstep yet, you're already way ahead of most would-be writers – just as you're way ahead of most people in your consistent readiness to “pay it forward” via the advice and comfort that you give to others on a regular basis. Again, this is hardly a small point in a culture that prizes itself on precisely the opposite impulse – “pay it backward,” by kicking people down as you grub your way up the social ladder of success and prestige.

Of course, what these people don't know – and will probably find out, when it's way too late to do anything else – is that ladder can also turn into a slippery slope, one that leads you to a deep, dark place where you no longer remember what you believe anymore, because you've already sold so many pieces it to the highest bidder (and, well, the lowest bidder, too – as all those factories humming overseas can attest). In that sense, I'm glad to see that you never went down that road. Through your religious commitments, I have no doubt that – at some point – you'll have a chance to stops from making those same kinds of mistakes.

How we fare at the box office remains to be seen, but – having seen all of the above situations, I have no doubt that you've cast a wider ripple than you may imagine. As I've said, the results aren't always apparent right away – and their impact often makes itself felt in ways that we didn't anticipate – but you have affected a great many people, and I look forward to seeing how affect a great many more. And that's why, on the eve of Anniversary #17 (marriage-wise), or #21 (relationship-wise), I'm proud to call myself Mr. Peep, and share this Nest beside you – here's to another 20 years!

Friday, April 17, 2015

Britt McHenry Tells off Tow Truck Company Employee

ESPN employee Brit McHenry tells off a tow truck employee. Language warning with this one. Let me be frank, I don't love all tow companies. The ones in the big city can be crooks and did tow my car twice when it was legally parked. I remember steam coming out of my ears to see my legally parked car "stolen" and then having to track it down after two hours to one of those places. I think those are places anyone is most likely to lose their temper.

 So Britt McHenry was probably angry in trying to track down her car, but it was stupid to take it out on the employee. Her classist, elitist and fat-hating comments bothered me.  I don't agree with people losing jobs over things they do outside of work but since she is in the public eye they chose to suspend her for a week. The elitism and entitlement here is extreme as Britt McHenry, insults the employee for having a "low-class" job. She puts her down for not going to college or dropping out, but who knows our towing company attendant could have a doctorate degree for all we know, given the state of the economy.

"Do you feel good about your job?" she asks her. Some people have to work jobs they hate to eat! Britt reminds me of "mean girls" in high school, always skinny, and assured of their own superiority. Was she hired first for her brain or her looks? She gets the classist skewer out with the rude comment about teeth. Sadly teeth can be a class marker, in that the poor can't afford dental care. Then there is the comment about "trailer-trash" and of course the ever present slam-dunk of weight hatred, "Lose some weight baby girl!"

I don't know if Britt is a narcissist or not, but she sure was acting during that the moment there. America is becoming one hard cold place as people trash others over their level in society and jobs they hold. One thing I hated is how people who did honest labor but had menial jobs started to be trashed.  Britt McHenry later apologized and some asked, "What was the employee saying?"

"We Can't Find Any Adoption Records"

                                               [picture source]


"We Can't Find Any Adoption Records."

This brought serious tears. I sent out the adoption petition and within 4 days of me mailing it, the court called and told me, "We looked for adoption records going back to 1956, we could not find any adoption records." Now remember the court would not tell me if there were any records or not, so I had to send the petition in to find out ANYTHING. The lady on the phone was nice. She had heard of Lipedema and said, "Maybe it came through the male line?". Well there was no sign of it there. I was greatly disappointed. 

I think it is sad, that the family never would answer my questions. No one would show me one early picture to end my wondering. I've never seen a picture of me prior to the 8 month old or so one.  My empty baby photo album compared to my brother and sister's full ones still stands in stark reminder. By an early age, I would ask, "Where are all my pictures?" and would cry and never get any response. I still think something is fishy, with my family, I believe the court did it's best but know now I will never get the answers I so desired. One friend says I should call "Exploited and Missing Children" to see if some funny business happened, but 46 years later, that is too much time. One therapist theorized, my mother had an affair or even my father could have but I was taken into the family.  Chances are I will never know and I have to accept that. While we may delve into the past to find out what happened, there is only a point you can take things.I can't beat my head on the wall wondering anymore. I hate feeling like she "wins" all the time. Missing out on important medical information is a blow too. Remember my thinking about wanting answers has been for my whole life. I never had the guts to go digging for anything before.

 Part of me is nauseous even thinking I could be biologically related to any of them. No one is diabetic. No one looks like me. My brother is the closest but all these thin people it simply makes no sense. One thing I will say, if she has early baby pictures or birth pictures in her possession or that aunt does who refused them, they are unworthy of me ever speaking to them again for that alone. Her refusing to answer sincere and polite questions upon my Lipedema diagnosis, is one of the worse things she ever did. Please don't tell me to ask any for DNA, the controlled minions never would sign up. I plan to never speak to any of them ever again. At this point I think my best emotional option is to move forward. A happier future rests in letting this stuff go. It was important for me to know and I tried my best but can't let it eat me alive. There is a great loss in not finding a birth family that looks like me and may act like human beings.

A Feeling of Relief over the Scorched Earth

Ever since I went NC from the entire family this week and unfriended the last of them on Facebook, I have had a feeling of major relief. This has surprised me to the degree it has been.

It is like I threw off a two-ton weight off my back. I realized even trying to deal with the ones I thought were "nicer" was just re-opening wounds over and over and giving the main narcs an ability to abuse me by proxy. I realized this over the last year especially. Their calls, emails and even rare messages on Facebook bothered me.

I don't have to try anymore or bang my head against the wall.

I don't have to worry about sending cards out anymore that are just ignored.

I don't have to worry about phone calls.

I don't have to feel guilt over not having money or health to visit people who never come my direction.

I don't have to cry over not being visited or loved or accepted or seen.

I don't have to worry about proving myself anymore to people who never would accept me.

I don't have to worry about sticking to a false fantasy of a family that was never there for me.

My modus operanti now is to remove all narcs from my life. If people don't like me or put me down or I feel I have to "prove" myself to them, I am done.  I am applying this to daily life. Achievement queens and put-downers, I am done with. No more being the scapegoat, or ignored or devalued in any group.

I just want to live in peace. I have had more peace being NC, but now the peace will be more complete.

Going on Insulin

Insulin is now required to manage my diabetes. I was a controlled diabetic for 14 years and can still feel my feet. However my sugars got out of control. One thing about diabetes is severe infections will worsen it. My diabetes started in 2001, when I had that severe infection I almost died of. My usual 140-150s fasting blood sugars started zooming to the 180s-200s just after the infection I had this winter. I had even more controlled sugars for years before last. I took a whole months worth of blood sugars and showed it to my doctors. I was given the option of three diabetes meds, Metformin, Januvia, and another one, but figured the side effects of medications was building up, it was better to go on insulin. The pharmacist told me I am being put on a low dose.

 It will be strange to go off Metformin, I was on it for so long and even on Metformin while I was prediabetic for my PCOS and insulin resistance. I'm trying to low carb it the best I can, and eating complex carbs only, cottage cheese and vegetables. In my case, I have to be careful of fruits. It does kind of worry me that my diabetes grew worse, even as I was tweaking the diet but one thing with me, my sugars go up if I eat too little. It is a balancing act. Next week, I have to see a doctor to train me how to do this. I am not the most mechanically apt person. Maybe I will feel better on better controlled blood sugars.

I always felt shame from diabetes, you know the world pressures Type 2 diabetics as it being "our fault" but I let this go over the years knowing that my body did not work like others. No one else was diabetic in my family either. Some doctors used to marvel at me being a controlled diabetic since supposedly all super-fat people are eating entire cakes, and cartons of ice cream. I said to one, "Can't you tell something more is wrong?" One thing with diabetes stress does affect it. I hope for the sake of it, that things lighten up more. My doctor told me yesterday I am one of her most compliant patients in that I actually track and deal with my diabetes.

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Hatred and Mockery for Those on Welfare

Important Note: I hate the sign above.

Welfare People bashing is in vogue now to my utter disgust.

As people here know, I've been on welfare before in my life. I needed to eat. There was one time I qualified for welfare and put it off for three years letting a church feed me when I needed groceries instead so it wasn't something I was eager to be on.  I even was on food stamps in my 20s before they brought the cards in and we used the literal "stamps" that look like colored money. I live in a town that is far wealthier then I am. Sometimes this gets very hard, rich people live in a whole other world. Envy is a sin. I pray to God to allow me a level of wealth of some security one day. Oh most times of welfare, we always had someone working in the household. That's a giant secret they don't tell people, the jobs are so low paying, they don't even pay for a basic life anymore.

However one thing troubles me deeply, how I keep running into people who totally trash those on welfare or food stamps or who ever have needed assistance.  Imagine sitting in a group, this is a group of people I'm leaving, and they sit there spouting on about how people on food stamps bought a giant cart of soda pop and then the conversation segues into how welfare people buy lobster, and T-bone steaks. Hate to break it to people but if you buy food like that, for most welfare people unless they are criminally scamming the system and have multiple identities, you would only be eating for 2-3 days and would have nothing else for the month. I can tell these people have never gone to a soup kitchen where they got stuck with old hotdogs and 59 cent boxes of macaroni and cheese to eat for the week.

A second time with that same group of people, two would give Richy Rich a run for his money and are bragging about international vacations while dissing the poor. Sometimes I wonder how some people literally swim in so much cash. They seem ready to burn it in the pursuit of false pleasure. My head is ready to explode thinking their mindless stupid jaunt would buy a good used car for me that would last ten years. They seem so eager to waste endless cash on frivolous and conformist pursuits like sitting on some dull hot beach in a plastic resort making some poor third worlders serve their every first world whim. It seems to be more of the wealthy lack imagination, they are conformists of the highest order and awarded for the slavish obedience to the system.

Another time I was a community center, in the poor area of town, and someone yelled, "People on food stamps are trash!". A lady from my old town told me everyone who came to the food pantry all had new cars! That sounded like nonsense to me too. I didn't see poor people driving Mercedes around and told her so. Maybe a guy with a new Lexus lost his job the previous month but the idea of poor people with new cars was her fantasy.

I'm not worried about Hillary becoming president ,God help us all, they are definitely going to swing things to the right on this next go around and give us some poor-hating, war mongering, overtly bank-loving Republican bootlicker to the 1%. The Democrats don't bother to pretend to love the poor anymore as their millionaire ranks add up, but the Republicans are ready to stomp down the poor as being the reason why the country's economy is failing instead of all the banker bail-outs, and wars. The Oligarchs are having their fun with us. Anyone who is poor, we are kind of afraid now, because sit in public and someone is smashing a pie in your face metaphorically ragging on the poor saying how they are all lazy. The achievement queens will give tell you that your failures are all your fault and you didn't think positive enough or work hard enough and YOU ARE A DRAG ON SOCIETY.  I told some guy the other day defending the poor, "Hmm they must have forgotten to go pick their job off the job tree". 

Also notice the meme above, it's shoved in your face like every body on welfare dresses like an English Chav or Gang-banger, and is drugging and smoking it up. Probably most people smoking on welfare, smoke to keep awake for their crummy underpaid jobs at Wal-mart. I never have smoked but how many of the people posting meme like this live like Puritans? It gets tiring.

I weigh 518 now

Yes I battle every little pound and have to work to not to gain. As long it does not go up I feel safer. Most people are thin on what I eat and I tweaked everything. This week I am working to keep sugars in the 180s fasting.  I did lose some. What did I last write? I was 538 or 530 6 months ago. Of course this could be a water change for all I know. I saw the nutritionist. One thing I do have to focus on health and not make everything about weight loss because my body is beyond the pale. I keep a diet journal of everything I eat. One thing I did was take photographs of my refrigerator after my big monthly shopping trip and cupboards to show her what is in them. I am believed nowadays and the nutritionist admits the outcomes of severe PCOS and Lipedema but wanted to show her what I have to work with and meal suggestions.

I'm thinking about different diabetes meds now in making the best decision. Insulin vs. others that can have bad side effects. I wonder if they can give me a higher dose of Januvia like twice a day since I've been on that one for 7 years with no problems.

[I weigh 508 as of May 5, 2015]

The Truth About MSG

See: MSG is Used to Make Lab Rats Fat, What about You?

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Generation Narc-A Study of Psalm 12


This can be a trap. One thing too if you are like me and know you are "different" from society, an Aspie, an artist and what some people would consider "eccentric", you are told in endless ways to scale yourself back. To pretend to fit in. Us Aspies especially when high functioning are told to "cloak" and always work on being socially acceptable.

My family rejected the real me. As I grew older and realized others liked my artistic and free thinking bent, and my intellectual forays and didn't spit on them every chance they got, inside I grew to like who I was more and more.

 I don't want to try so hard. Take it from me, that is wasted effort around people who reject who you are. Go find the ones who like you. They are out there. I felt like my mother literally wanted to squish the real me out too, stomp me into the ground. Smakintosh would agree this would be to squish the light out!

One thing I am realizing is I can't keep company with people who reject me as the person I am.

Emotional Abuse: The Rules of Engagement

Emotional Abuse: The Rules of Engagement

"The victim of emotional abuse dismisses his own pain: The victim learns to not trust his own feelings. He ignores his own flushes of rage and shamefully swallows words he wished could be spoken. Never feeling safe from criticism or safe to tell the truth, the victim remains vigilant for the slightest sign of disapproval, waiting for the whisper of collusion among peers. The victim grows accustomed to distorting his feelings to appear properly socialized."

I know I am caught in this spot lately of wondering what is safe to say? I ask myself am I retreating too easily? Am I saying too little or not enough? One thing in my recovery I have noticed is I am often ignored when I speak up.

It is something that worries me and I am not sure why it is happening. It is something that troubled me when dealing with the flying monkeys and mind slaves in the family how entire paragraphs in letters would be ignored, how they couldn't wait to get away from me because I was breaking "the rules" and daring to question Queen Spider. Even the other day in a group [not any group related to my church thankfully], I told some people they were being RUDE with their bragging, and they were, and it's just like they stepped over me, ignored what I said and kept bragging. I should have gotten up and walked out instead of sitting there tossing a few sarcastic barbs that were ignored as well.

 The last sentence really jumped out me. "The victim grows accustomed to distorting his feelings to appear properly socialized". Here the Aspie cloaking can actually leave one more vulnerable. Your mask of social acceptance and "fitting in" can become a prison of sorts.  You fear speaking out and the resultant judgments. For too long, I hid my true feelings not to have people "get mad" at me.  I was so used to being invalidated by the family too. I still think about how I sat in that group, a knot building in my stomach.  I am glad I spoke up but failed to make the right choice when I was ignored. What do fellow ACONS think reading this?

"Normalizing the abuser's behavior doubles the victim's pain: you're inferior for being targeted and more so for being upset. The advice to "get over it" isn't instructive or soothing to any degree; it's merely the statement of a desired result. No one says how to "get over it."

These words don’t heal; they compound the hurt.

Collaborators make excuses for the aggressor's behavior, providing weak advice to avoid their own discomfort while simultaneously adding merit to the aggressor's behavior. Defending the aggressor merely moves the collaborator out of the line of fire, until the aggressor wants something from the collaborator.

When victims repeatedly receive such advice, the advice becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as to how the world really works. When aggressors go unchallenged, it is how the world works. Emotional abuse demands others alter their perceptions of themselves in order to accommodate the aggressor's self-perception. Those who do diminish themselves to meet the aggressor's needs become victims. "

One reason my relationship with my brother is dead in the water, is because he told me to "get over it", ie: get back in line and take more abuse. If he had shown me just one iota of loyalty things could have gone far different. I had endless people telling me to forgive and forget while no one ever told my mother to treat me better. My brother never would even dare to tell her to change her ways. No one has ever corrected her. When I would stand up to her with the family in the midst, I would be ripped down and shredded as they played a "who could lick her boots" faster game. We are told to diminish ourselves by endless collaborators and these collaborators sadly are whom give the narcs so much power to begin with. One thing I know is I let these people with no loyalty have too much of a place in my life. They dug holes deeper for me and helped the narcissists and hurt me just as much.

 "If a victim can recognize the camouflage of abusers who he is "supposed" to trust and "should" love, if he can recognize the feeling of being engulfed by another's narcissism, then he has the resiliency to emotionally defend himself. If a victim can decide whom to trust and then act on those decisions, the fallout will repel aggressors.

Resiliency acknowledges the world is not an "all or nothing" proposition. Resiliency acknowledges that everyone will have conflict—emotional or physical—throughout his or her life. Resiliency acknowledges there will be a cost. The former victim may lose a "friend," may "cause problems," and may even be perceived as "not nice." These may seem like monumental challenges, but if the victim's own self-diminishment does not eliminate the pain, he must, logically, look outside of himself for the cause of the pain.

Doing so lifts the burden the victim assigned himself, but also presents a hard decision: to define one's self, there is a cost. Accepting that cost separates "us" from "them," for "they"—the aggressors—always measure risk and reward, remaining unwilling to fight, but only win.

The courage to withstand those conflicts is necessary. We must be willing to accept conflict, win or lose, to begin creating our own self-definitions."

I am getting better at seeing narcissists out there and learning who to avoid. As an adult I don't have to associate with anyone who takes snipes at me, or who rips me down in front of others. I automatically distrust braggarts. Recognizing the camouflage of the abusers has opened the door for me to find a happier life with people who treat me with respect. One thing that will happen to an ACON that goes NC, is when the fog disappears, they will see the ones who joined their narcs in ill treatment. What you learned by getting away from your toxic family will be applied to your outer social world. I don't want to tolerate being invalidated by anyone.  It is better to be thought "not nice" and to remain true to yourself. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The Fleas of Narcissism

                                    [picture source]
Fleas, Fleas, Fleas

I have read about fleas of narcissism before. Lucky Otter talked about fleas recently too.  These are the things you can end up with from being raised in a narcissistic household. These would include learned behaviors and reactions they taught you during your childhood.

One thing I want to add here, is that if you are worried about being a narcissist, while some children of narcissists become a narcissist like them, you often are NOT! Narcissists do not worry about it, the very idea that they may be disordered is way beyond them. They would never in a million years admit anything is wrong with them. My mother in one pissed off email fest actually wrote, "**** thinks I am disordered!" by then I had laid it out and wrote to her that she was a narcissist and had no empathy, though I came to the sociopath conclusions later on.

One fleeting thought someone raised in sick sociopathic households can have, is "Am I anything like them?". One can have this feeling of, "Has the evil infected me?" Being raised with no love, I wonder how I was able to love people and I do. I knew by a very early age I did not want to be like my parents. For Aspies, justice is very important, it is hard to explain, some see Aspies as being little minion "rule-followers" but it's different then that, we want to follow what is "right" over wrong. My conscience was very different then their's. One thing that would happen to me is my parents would slap me for being "too sensitive". I was told constantly to "harden up"! Today as a 40 something, I know telling a ten year old crying Aspie, "You can't cope!", is pretty sick.

I struggle with my own worries about evil then. All Christians do and have to battle against the sins they may commit. God is merciful and there to forgive once one repents but I have worried about falling away under my crushing poverty and losing trust in God. Even crazy bad health problems one's thoughts can go into despair, instead of prayer. The concept of conscience was not taught in my family or acting according to one's conscience. I was different. I felt guilt.

However I struggled with a few fleas from being raised in my family. My family all had violent tempers, with screaming, yelling and throwing things and using foul language. They do not censor their tempers. Even Mini-Me has a bad temper and I saw her screaming at her kids a few times.

I can struggle with a bad temper though I have learned to temper it somewhat and try to keep the yelling to myself as much as possible within the confines of my apartment. I would never touch anyone, but when angry I can yell loud.

Long ago I learned to walk away from people while yelling, to keep the damage more minimal. The other day,  I started yelling about a door being locked in my face, and hopefully no one heard me. I said one irritated low volume thing with no cussing they did hear, and then thought inside, "I better cool it". Aspie melt-downs can complicate this, sometimes an Aspie is not mad but just anxious. I know I am not perfect and well, everything is a work in progress.

My family does not feel guilt over their tempers, they think it is okay to rant and rave and cuss the room blue. I was always embarrassed to eat out with my father because he would tell the wait-staff off over every little thing and even would yell. I had visions of goobers hitting our food back in the kitchen.  You know something is wrong when the neighbors are calling the police constantly over your family's screaming and yelling and they show up and because of your father's position do absolutely nothing while a poorer guy would be getting dragged off to jail.

This is an area where I definitely had to learn NOT to be like my family and to keep it in check.

Other ACONs may struggle with taking criticism--I am okay with criticism that is meant for improvement but not for the mean kind.

One rarer flea I can get is if I am around people I can tell do not like me or don't understand Aspies or have personality traits like my parents is I can get very sarcastic and will go into "fight or flight" mode inside. I will go into Aspie blunt mode and not "cloak" for the neurotypicals and throw caution to the wind. However this can be dangerous around narcs and other personality disordered types who can manipulate things to turn my emotions against me. Aspies have to remember blunt honesty isn't always the best social mode. Around narcs of course, silence and disappearing is safer.

I found myself  in a "fight or flight" mode in my stomach and having some of my fleas come out too often when I was around certain personalities. Sometimes it is not even something that a particular person is doing or any personality disorder but a clashing of values and world view.

This is one thing ACONs should always pay attention to when it comes to dealing with the world. Pay attention to how you FEEL around certain parties. These are feelings I am learning to pay attention to. Not everyone is a narc but we have to learn to control our fleas around personalities who may trigger us or we may differ with. I know there are neurotypicals out there who have no capability to understand me. Of course we have to be mindful of the personality disordered who may be out to hurt us too. During the early stages of no contact we can be more sensitive too as we wake up to new ways of doing and acting coming out of fog.

Others may have a hardened view towards the world. I know I did for a short time. My parents would scream at me for being "too sensitive" and I had that weird abuse where they denied me the protection and treatment owed a young girl where I was treated more like a boy. I was told to harden up and not to have feelings. My feelings angered them. They failed in this change of me, but there was some fleas left over.

 An ACON going through this one can get feelings like "Everyone is out to get me.", "I'm not going to be a sucker". I had this in my 20s to an extent expecting that everyone was going to screw me over. One roommate even asked me, "Why do you have to act like such a tough girl?" Get hit enough times and you are always ducking and this is not a good way to deal with the world. When I lived in the ghetto, I did grow somewhat harder and when I escaped to a small rural town, had to adjust my entire stance towards the world. I didn't need to walk around in defense mode all the time even if I had to learn balancing this one, self protection balanced with openness. I actually had to learn and experience that there were good, kind and loving people in the world which defines many of my friends.

One thing I had to do after becoming a Christian in my thirties, was I did use the Christian people I met as role models. I would pick older women, and some I still have on my social website, and would observe how they treated people. These were women with loving families and who gave to the community and treated people fairly and kindly. While I did Aspies are more apt to do this, in choosing mentors. My best jobs when I was young,  I always had a mentor.  I don't think this is a bad thing to do. I was doing it at an older age then most, but choosing positive role models when you have had negative ones for far too long is a good thing and I think a sign of healing.

So fleas can be overcome, you just have to be aware of them.

Update: I deconverted from Christianity. I was misled using Christian people as role models.A few are real people who are kind, but those were rare. 

Matilda and Her Parents

Matilda is an interesting movie. I wish they had made this movie without all the "mind powers" stuff a la Carrie and Stephen King, but it probably is an inner dream of abused children everywhere to control their environments. The part where she is crying over her books resonates with me because that was me as a little kid while they yelled about all my reading and in my case told me to go clean. I was told I was "too smart" for my own good too. Her brother of course abuses her too led by the parents example. Often they didn't remember how old I was either though mine never forgot to send me to school. The movie ends with her teacher adopting her, and Matilda is very happy.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Lady With the World's Biggest Hips

She looks like she has managed life well and has a good attitude and kept on going and glad she has a family of her own. It is possible she has an advanced case of Lipedema. I would agree, that is not normal fat distribution. My hips are in the mid 80s now, but I actually beat her before in the circumference and at my peak weight hit 103 inches in the hips though I was not shaped like her.

Monday, April 6, 2015

"You Still Have Your Self"

By age 5, I knew something was wrong. I know something was very wrong with the people I was around. I remember sitting on the front stoop crying my eyes out because I felt so alone. Already they were telling me I was wrong about everything. Remember my mother's friend who told me my mother never would accept me for being fat? She told me something else in 2001 too. She told me that my parents were upset because I "knew too much". Mouth of babes and narcs can be an explosive mixture perhaps. What did she mean by that? That I was seeing through some of the lies before any fog came in even as a little child? They hated me already seeing an inner light, the thing in me that would one day rebel against them perhaps. Maybe their inner demons poked pitchforks at them saying, this one will be written in the "Book of Life" one day. I know I explored the dark spiritual insides of my sister in an article called Sister Light, Sister Dark, but definitely the spiritual insides of my mother are just as dark if not far worse.

 He is right about the narcissist parents lacking the inner light and love and how they focus on only the external reality. They do live in fantasy world. Yes they hated seeing someone seeking after truth who was a real person, even their own child. Smakintosh mentions the entire family systems turning on people [this includes him and myself of course]. He is wise to warn about therapists, one has to be very careful and find a therapist that understands this abuse.  This can be difficult. I don't want to post about Dr. Phil again, but I just watched a show, where he told a beaten down victim of a narcissist to reconcile with one yet again. I fear sometimes that show is being used to excuse narcissism. This case was complicated as the victim had gotten into drugs and there were children involved with the narc mother taking over custody of them, but it was upsetting to see blatant narcissism yet again excused and covered up.  I watch that show like a train wreck not for recommendation.

Wow on this sentence! "I think this is the most dramatic part of the abuse, this abandonment, this quote family who creates this illusion of love and care towards you--doesn't give a damn about you." It's weird, I was talking to a close friend this morning on the phone and I told her this was something I had to face, I had to admit I was strangers to them and when push came to shove, I know they didn't give a damn about me either. When I got sick in 2013, well I know I have been pretty sick off and on, I was afraid I was dying. None of them cared. They still wouldn't stop by even when driving within a mile of my apartment. This was a litmus test if there ever was one. Some ACONs in recovery may give in to that thought thinking their family will suddenly repent and show care if they were ever on their deathbeds, but it's simply not true. Take it from one who knows it first hand, they do not give a damn, and even if you are hanging on to this world by your fingernails and constant prayers to God, they could care less.

I'm at that point right now, facing that horrific realization. I am even concerned that some of my emotional-healing-no contact work right now is affecting my health with diabetes and my history of PTSD playing a few dance steps together. Recovered memories and just thinking about how my life went a certain way and the love I deserved but missed out on, has been difficult. I had to go mellow out at the nature center, visit a kind good friend and get a cool breeze on my face, and thankfully we were able to pay our bills this month and get some decent food, for a short time, otherwise I think I could have ended up in the hospital. I may tell my doctor of some of my emotional struggles, they know a few basic outlines and that I am estranged from my family and they can't trust the family medical information anymore and in me I do have to be careful not to let the emotional make me very ill.

This is facing that sense of loneliness and abandonment he mentions. Remember I have just gone no contact with the rest of them just three months ago, outside the few young ones, like the niece who emails on rare occasion. With her I have no expectations, I expect the others will influence her to have nothing to do with me as well soon. I am going to hit the two year mark with the main narcs in June. With the remaining family members, I left the Facebook accounts alone for now, but have hidden all posts not wanting one to call me over and over but have not talked to one family member outside the niece in emails since January. [No one tried calling me back not even my brother or to ask me why I have disappeared over the last 3 months]. I think my brother knows I am done with him ever since the present and house full of furniture brag-a-thon.

I had no one to talk to on a heart to heart basis in the family too. Smakintosh is right to ask about those wondering  how can one have encouragement when your whole family kicked you to the curb? I believe the way out too is to embrace love in yourself and realizing you still possess yourself too. He is right about the family members still  being caught spellbound and in the illusions of the abusive parents. We did love truth in coming out. I know my whole no contact has been bound up in my Christian faith and seeking after truth no more accepting their lies, or wickedness about this world. No more bowing down to the wicked.

I know my family is a cult, they don't own their own souls. My family is so controlled, I know I have shocked them even daring to cross the Queen. They are living a lie and following a lie. For some of us who it has cost us so much, even our health, it can be scary. This is not an easy world to be disabled with no family in. This is painful stuff. I often have prayed to God asking "Why me?"  One can feel that pain deep in of having no family watching a world that seems to become more family oriented by the minute. It is better I have escaped and followed my own conscience and God, I see people having lost their very souls to these narc abusers and Thank God I was not one of them no matter the price.

Peep Takes Pictures of Peeps

Better Call Saul: Jimmy Undermined by His Brother

There's a saying out there: "Make sure everyone in your boat is rowing and not drilling holes". I have watched some "Better Call Saul"s with my husband who is a fan and this episode resonated with me. Jimmy is a new lawyer and was actively working to join his brother's giant law firm and even managed to build a multimillion dollar case, and still the law firm would not hire him. He realized his brother who he had helped for years had destroyed his chances of ever being hired behind the scenes. What is even worse is Jimmy had helped this brother who had become mentally ill and afraid of electricity for years with being able to feed and take care of himself since he was unable to leave the house.

One thing about dysfunctional family members is, for the scapegoats or others, they want you to fail. They will drill holes. I think of my drill holes, my own family did, when they had connections to high level jobs including even decent middle class jobs within their govt. organization that hired even people without college degrees in the 80s and 90s. Then there was the time I was desperately looking for a teaching job and had experience where my mother had the connection to someone who was an education department big whig. Some will say people are not entitled to anything or this help, and this is true to a point but watch out if you have family members who are actively sabotaging you behind the scenes.

Many relatives do not want you to succeed. They want to keep you down in your lowly role. They do not want scapegoats to have any money. They enjoy having someone they can feel better then and lord over. My mother got absolute glee over my failures and over me being poor. She drooled at the idea of me being behind the proverbial shopping cart.  In other words while they yell at you for being a loser, and poor or needing money, they make sure to do everything in your power to keep you there. Even at the gov't organization, half illiterate people who were friends were hired into my parent's place and into middle class jobs. I was denied.

 I realized even to my horror how I was isolated and kept away from multiple people my parents knew in their work world, and even cousins, that both my siblings were friends with and knew.  Facebook can be an education about the narcs, well before you go no contact and block them. I had Chuck- like sabotages done on my life. I fought tooth and nail even for the degree I did get--they were against me going to college at all and the one or two professional jobs I could scrape from the bottom of the barrel, but this is something scapegoats have to watch out for.

 My student teaching was affected by my parent's abuse when I had to move home. I even suspect one relative of doing a Chuck like sabotage on my husband. I confronted her but she played innocent. These type of people do ruin lives.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Lipedema Sister Laura Deese Reaches Out

I hope and am praying she can get the help she needs. Lipedema and Lymphedema are among the most neglected disorders and the years without any treatment means the progressive disorders worsen including totally taking someone's mobility away. I did try to get some information about visiting home doctors to her, I know of national company that covers many regions. My housecall doctors drive from an office that is nearly an hour away. Hopefully someone will help with widening her door for her wheelchair.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Punk Size Acceptance

 A friend took a picture of this on a girl's jacket at a punk concert some years ago. I don't advocate violence or riots but it made me laugh. I wish fat people would go and protest and yell the "Diets aren't working!" Remember I think all the focus on the acceptance of the fat itself and not the people has thrown help for fat people off the rails. Fat people are like the scapegoats of our society, not believed and invalidated when we tell them the diets have failed us. Everyone wants to be healthy.

I'm tired!

I am failing to lose weight and maybe I should just get myself put in the hospital and get some weight off to reduce my diabetes. Even 50lbs off could reduce the blood sugars. Of course what would they do with me that I am not doing at home? My food at home is probably BETTER. I do not know what to do. I am stumped. This is fat insanity. Nothing is working.  Nothing works. I even worry that my diabetes has gone off the rails because I got so scared of weight gain and from trying to do more caloric restriction. I get weighed on May 5th, and if I have gone up in weight, I am going to ask to be put in the hospital to get some off.  In pictures I do not look I have gained. I do have phobias about weight gain. Not everyone here knows this, but I am deathly afraid of weight gain and entering the 600s and 700s and losing mobility I do have. The world does not realize that I have to pay attention to every bit going into my mouth even to hold weight gain off.

There seems no rhyme or reason with the blood sugars. Supposedly exercise is supposed to lower blood sugars but not in my case. At least I proved my case to medical professionals already but could they get more weight off me? Should I starve or become a bulimic?  I am going to die of being fat, and from diabetes soon. Sometimes lately I worry all this medical stuff is going to give me a nervous breakdown and I am working through enough emotional stuff, with my going no contact from the toxic family, NC has brought a bunch of memories back too. Add in the Aspie and poverty issues and my brain is spinning. What should I do? What scares the crap out of me is, I am not eating that badly at all. In fact my emphasis is on healthy food all the time.

Even if the doctors know I have severe rare disorders making me so fat and bloated and water logged, there is still some semblance of control over things, they expect me to work for but I do not feel that control or see the results outside of the legs.  I am spending 4-5 hours a day on medically related things. This can include 1-2 hours for leg wrapping--this depends on how much I am up but two wrappings a day takes time, lung nebulizing--half an hour, two hours for Flexitouch, another half an hour or 20 minutes, taking pills, probably another half hour or hour, doing stretchy bands or walking, hours on cooking where I can't eat ready made things and have to cook and chop and make soup, and I haven't added in various other things like apply creams, daily grooming, washing my CPAP humidifier etc. Even remembering to take endless vitamins is a lot.

 I don't want to lay in bed all day. I will get fatter. The Lipedema stuff is driving me mad, my legs are being kept down with wrapping and such but the more hyper I am and moving around the bloating and pain is the stuff of insanity. There are lymph nodes in me that when I bloat hurt like hell. Lumps all over me swelling. I have this bad thing constantly happening where I start peeing very little and my body bloats horribly the more I move around. How does a person win with this?

It happened yesterday because I was running about the apartment and very hyper, and then went to church and ran other errands. The funny thing lately is I can walk farther and easier, which has been an outcome of the leg therapies but I am sicker otherwise with the diabetes.  What what would you think every time you try and exercise, you see your body visibly grow including your face and arms? This has been true for many many years. Remember with stage IV lipedema you have body wide lymphedema. Yes the doctors know about this.

At least everything goes down when  Flexitouch it and lay in bed, but it is very painful. I sit up or I am doing things and the pain grows and grows. The pain forces me to take to my bed to pee. The pain hurts. I am tired a lot. One thing happening lately is I feel like pushing through the pain to do everything, it isn't even my legs hurting--Flexitouch helped that but just the body overall hurting. I used to cry from leg pain and that is out of my life. My legs are better but my body I feel inflamed all over. Like Fibromylgia from the depths of hell. Even my wrists and arms hurt. My neck kills me. I can cook standing up and was chopping salad and vegetables yesterday but while there was energy for that, there wasn't for doing any dishes so a giant pile of them awaits me. My spoons feel very limited. I am tired even of my constant medical duties. I can't decide if I am doing too much or too little. Self-care mingles with guilt. The undone chores stare me down. Why am I writing online instead of cleaning?

I wonder if the hospital could help me. Maybe they could address the weight loss failures. I don't know. Sometimes I feel so tired it's like I could lay in bed for a week and just sleep. I sometimes wonder if something endocrine is happening to make the diabetes run completely off the rails too. I have to tell the doctors about the fatigue and pain. I am living my life but there are times I am crying inside. I have been sick since I was 27 years old. I had a lot wrong by age 13.  I was nearly 700lbs at age 29. I am 46 now and tired.

They Want to Starve the Serfs

I always thought the caloric restriction and "starve yourself to live longer" meme was total nonsense. Remember they can try and sell any bunk via statistics. Most of the world starved for centuries and had reduced life spans. I always wonder if this is advanced for our dystopian future where they will ration the food and tell people "Starvation is good for you". If the grocery prices keep going up some may be running into this sooner then they thought. Here you have someone saying protein restriction works wonders but then the other side, says "Eat too many carbs, then you will die". I wish they'd make their mind up. I sometimes worry I destroyed my kidneys trying to "low-carb" it for the sake of PCOS and diabetes but come on, all we get is endless confusion. Here too we could have the enforced vegetarianism for the proles too one day sold under "health".

Something I Blurted Out the Other Day

This may be bad, but I have told a few people simply, "I do not have a family", when they have asked about my family. I know it kind of implies they are all dead. Hopefully God will not see this as a sin but I really do not have a family in the way that it counts. It is easier to tell people this rather then get into long explanations about how my mother is a sociopath and turned every member against me. Some church members I told them I am estranged due to religious differences.

It is easier for me to just let people think that my family is all deceased. That can happen if someone is old enough and if there were no siblings, and people age and die. When one is without a family, they realize how family is such an important part of people's lives, where even the unmarried and childless who are aged, will still have nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles and parents who still go to dinners with them and visit them. One friend told me, "You really never had a family." and they are correct.

My Adoption Petition is Being Mailed in Two Days

[picture source,]

See "Am I Adopted?"

My adoption petition to unseal records will be mailed in two days. I have the papers notarized and ready. I am sending the court a letter from a health professional with my Lipedema diagnosis and other medical papers. I just want answers. In this case I had to admit to the court I do not know for sure if I am adopted, but highly suspect it due to my health problems. No one in the family has Lipedema or Lymphedema. No one in the entire family is a diabetic either--even some of the more midsized ones. No one has PCOS. All these conditions have genetic components. I am sending the court a paper that has Lipedema marked as autosomal dominant. I am a severe Lipedemic, too, this is not just minor swelling. I need to even figure out if I have Dercums, there is one lipoma on my thinner leg that is hurting from time to time and seems to be growing larger. My petition is based on needing medical information.

I am currently in my forties and married. I now ask the court to allow me access to gain my records, including any identifying information on whether if my certificate was amended, details of any would-be adoption, any relevant medical data, and records of my birth family.

Sadly I was supposedly born in a non-open adoption state. I hope I finally get answers. It took me time to scrape together the fee for the unsealing petition. My husband says I should prepare myself for whatever answers I get. It shows you how pathetic my family is that I have to ask a court if I am adopted. They just lie to me. I know for sure they are hiding something big from me the way they have acted and my husband concurs. I talked to a therapist about this and she said, "Maybe someone had an affair." I know it could go either way. I could not afford a lawyer to help me with this. I had to use templates online and other websites, I may be checking some things today to make sure I got all my ducks in a row. The papers had to be notarized and I had that done.

My Diabetes is Uncontrolled Now

Blood sugars ranging from 189-252. 191 before dinner last night and 201 this morning and this is on two diabetes meds. I was a controlled diabetic for 15 years. My feet don't tingle. I fear my vision could go too, but know I have some blurriness needing glasses. My usual fastings used to be in the 150-160 range. Ever since that very illness this winter I have not been right and struggled to keep them down. Diabetes causes me endless guilt and baggage problems. I even hate taking blood sugars, fearing the bad news for the day will hurt me. I have kept diet journals and I ate 1840 calories yesterday. Of course I have guilt about eating at all. My church is praying for me and I told my pastor I am worn out, they were understanding.

The doctor knows and they told me to go to hospital if I hit the 300s. They should be coming to see me soon. It may be insulin time. The doctors are concerned about my reaction to meds. It is very difficult. I have felt like throwing up on and off the last couple days and fought off a sore throat a few days ago and have thrush.  I have guilt and emotional pain failing to have lost more weight. If I find out I gained weight, don't think I have according to pictures, but I am always scared. I will be weighed in May at kidney doctor, I may ask them to put me under hospital observation and to get some weight off. I bloated BAD yesterday too. Sometimes Lipedema totally kicks me in the butt when I am stressed out and scared. Being stressed raises the blood sugars more too. The blood sugars stayed high on a day I moved around like crazy [for me], and high on the day I thought "I better rest".