Monday, April 5, 2021

Covid19 Related Links

Become an informed citizen. Here's my collection of Covid links, read and study for yourself. Check back on this list sometimes, I am adding new links and updates as I find new information and articles.

COVID-19 Test kits (382200) exports by country | 2018 (archive.org)


Search Results from the VAERS Database (medalerts.org)

Moderna boss: mRNA jabs are "rewriting the Genetic Code" we call it "information therapy" (Ted 2017) - YouTube

Regulations.gov

Should Everyone Get Vaccinated? — Yeadon, Wittkowski & Bridle comment (dryburgh.com)

Dryburgh.com -

Urgent Open Letter from Doctors and Scientists to the European Medicines Agency regarding COVID-19 Vaccine Safety Concerns | by Doctors for Covid Ethics | Mar, 2021 | Medium

Antibody-dependent enhancement and SARS-CoV-2 vaccines and therapies | Nature Microbiology

Don't miss this one. I even screen shot it in case it disappears. "MODERNA HITS SAFETY PROBLEMS" is part of the title and yes this refers to mRNA technology. [ 2017 ]

Moderna hits safety problems in bold bid to reinvent medicine (statnews.com)

What are they trying to do to us? | winter oak

Reading scientific studies is interesting, I did advanced searches to see what the proposed problems were with a date range from 2007-2018, preCovid. 

SARS vaccine linked to liver damage in ferret study | CIDRAP (umn.edu)

Evaluation of the mRNA-1273 Vaccine against SARS-CoV-2 in Nonhuman Primates (nih.gov)

mRNA vaccines — a new era in vaccinology (pedsfirst.com)

"Potential safety concerns that are likely to be evaluated in future preclinical and clinical studies include local and systemic inflammation, the biodistribution and persistence of expressed immunogen, stimulation of auto-reactive antibodies and potential toxic effects of any non-native nucleotides and delivery system components. A possible concern could be that some mRNA-based vaccine platforms54,166induce potent type I interferon responses, which have been associated not only with inflammation but also potentially with autoimmunity167,168. Thus, identification of individuals at an increased risk of autoimmune reactions before mRNA vaccination may allow reasonable precautions to be taken"

mRNA vaccines go into humans | VIROLOGY RESEARCH SERVICES

"The third is its high immunogenicity, which while potentially advantageous in vaccine settings, can be problematic if we don’t know how to control it. Accustomed to RNA virus invasions, cells have evolved an arsenal of sensors to detect different flavours of mRNA that don’t quite look like cellular. "

Immunization with SARS Coronavirus Vaccines Leads to Pulmonary Immunopathology on Challenge with the SARS Virus (plos.org)

White Paper on Experimental Vaccines for Covid-19* (americasfrontlinedoctors.com)


What will the vaccine manufactured spike proteins do?

The SARS-CoV-2 spike protein disrupts the cooperative function of human cardiac pericytes - endothelial cells through CD147 receptor-mediated signalling: a potential non-infective mechanism of COVID-19 microvascular disease | bioRxiv

https://www.modernatix.com/mrna-technology/mrna-platform-enabling-drug-discovery-development




(3) Dr Naomi Wolf (@naomirwolf) / Twitter

COVID-19 RNA Based Vaccines and the Risk of Prion Disease (scivisionpub.com)

I believe only KN95 masks work for any real SARS2:

Effectiveness of Surgical and Cotton Masks in Blocking SARS–CoV-2: A Controlled Comparison in 4 Patients | Annals of Internal Medicine (acpjournals.org)

Breakthrough Cases of COVID-19 Impact the Fully Vaccinated (baynews9.com)

AstraZeneca's head of R&D for oncology dies at 61 (yahoo.com)

What's causing N.B.'s mystery neurological disease? Worried residents want answers | CBC News

Make Americans Free Again | The New Normal: Citizens In Charge

Could Spike Protein in Moderna, Pfizer Vaccines Cause Blood Clots, Brain Inflammation and Heart Attacks? • Children's Health Defense

Professor Dolores Cahill: Why People Will Start DYING A Few Months After The First mRNA Vaccination (bitchute.com)

Doctors Around The World Issue Dire WARNING: DO NOT GET THE COVID VACCINE! (theresistance.video)

Horror: Nashville Nurse Gets Bells Palsy From Vaccine! – NewsWars

The stories of side effects on this board, some long term are scary. It is very heavily censored in general.

CovidVaccinated (reddit.com)

All the removed posts off Covid Vaccinated: there's a lot.

r/covidvaccinated (reveddit.com)

Suspicions grow that nanoparticles in Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine trigger rare allergic reactions | Science | AAAS (sciencemag.org)

UK issues anaphylaxis warning on Pfizer vaccine after adverse reactions | Reuters

FDA releases draft of “vaccine” side-effects, and it’s a doozy – non veni pacem

CNN - Breaking News, Latest News and Videos

COVID19 PCR Tests Are Scientifically Meaningless | Principia Scientific Intl. (principia-scientific.com)

WHO: labs should be wary of false positives from cycle thresholds - The Sentinel (sentinelksmo.org)

(1) Investigative journalist Harry Vox warns against coming lockdowns & quarantines...in 2014 - YouTube

Why are people with history of severe allergies [like me] not being warned in the United States but in other countries?

Pfizer COVID-19 Vaccine Should Not Be Taken by Those With Significant Allergies, U.K. Regulators Warn – PJ Media

Log In | Prezi

Pro-vacc website. I read the "other side" on most issues I examine. His lengthy comment sections are valuable, with dissenters...See quote below...

Antivaccine nonsense Archives - RESPECTFUL INSOLENCE

I worry myself about how they are censoring anyone who is asking any questions, and wrongly labeling them anti-vaxxers when these are people who took regular vaccines but question experimental ones. Here is one sample comment:

The "Disinformation Dozen" vs. public health - RESPECTFUL INSOLENCE
"Cjones1says:

March 29, 2021 at 12:30 am

I’ve read here and there that a significant number of medical professionals are hesitant in getting the mRNA vaccines. I don’t know if they are concerned whether there may be cascading effects from manipulating polypeptides and glycols, but there are doctors online concerned about a antibody enhancement something or other that causes an severe autoimmune response. There is data from Europe concerning the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines which notes thousands of deaths and around a hundred thousand serious complications.

I thought there was a lot of misinformation concerning therapeutic solutions involving the prophylactic and early protection offered by Zinc ionophores such as HCQ as well as Ivermectin. A recent American Journal of Medicine reaffirmed the effectiveness of HCQ.

A recent University of Oxford study mentioned success in preventing 90% of serious complications from Covid 19/SARS2 using Asthma/COPD inhalers containing Budesonide.

Back in March of 2020, MIT published an article based on the autopsies of Covid 19/SARS2 that reported hypercoagulation in internal organs and at IV/catheter sites. They suggested a study using the clot busting tPA. Mt. Sinai used tPA in a study, but found it had to be supplemented by Heparin or similar compounds. Previous ARDS studies pre-Covid 19/SARS2 found that Aspirin >320 mg effective in healing. I thought to myself the old fashioned advice of taking 2 Aspirin and calling the doctor in the morning may be apt in Covid 19/SARS2 treatment.

Effective therapeutics should be as available as flu medicines and cold remedies in our drug and grocery stores in battling Covid 19/SARS2.

There are horror stories concerning vaccines for sure, yet good ones have saved millions of lives – as have therapeutics. Time will tell about the increasing dangers from vaccines currently available. The paranoid anti-vaxxers should not always be ignored because they are trying to fulfill important public watchdog duties. With age, we have witnessed several alarming scares concerning Alar and other foods or substances that were later proven unfounded. HCQ has been used widely for 65 years and the alarmists may have cost hundreds of thousands of deaths due to Covid 19/SARS2 because of the political hubbub mounted against its use."

I've seen dozens of posts like this, and worse symptoms too:


Shortness of breath after 2nd Pfizer shot : CovidVaccinated (reddit.com)


Penny for your thoughts: We'll Have Herd (Social) Immunity from Covid-19 By April of This Year (77% Drop In Six Weeks) John Hopkins Professor (pennyforyourthoughts2.blogspot.com)

What Is the Role of RNA in the Body? (with pictures) (infobloom.com)

Pfizer withdraws vaccine application in India (dw.com)

Vaccines and Related Biological Products Advisory Committee December 17, 2020 Meeting Briefing Document - FDA

https://www.fda.gov/media/144434/download

Florida prohibits vaccine passports, citing 'freedom' (yahoo.com)

Vaccine Passports to Hell by Jeff Crouere (townhall.com)

COVID Vaccine Passports Threaten Fundamental Rights of Citizens Who Opt-Out (sociable.co)

https://kdvr.com/news/dicks-sporting-goods-park-vaccine-site-shut-down-after-patients-experience-adverse-reactions-to-vaccine/

Some women report heavier and more painful PERIODS since getting the COVID-19 vaccine | Daily Mail Online

An early coronavirus vaccine rollout? Be careful what you wish for… | The Spectator Australia

The vaccine will kill you - Pfizer ex-VP — The Most Beautiful World

https://www.centerforhealthsecurity.org/our-work/pubs_archive/pubs-pdfs/2017/spars-pandemic-scenario.pdf


Breaking Study Sheds More Light on Whether an RNA Vaccine Can Permanently Alter DNA – Science with Dr. Doug

Could mRNA Vaccines Permanently Alter DNA? Recent Science Suggests They Might. • Children's Health Defense

18 Reasons I Won't Be Getting a Covid Vaccine (deconstructingconventional.com)

I know people personally who got the J and J vaccine, it's being withdrawn for side effects.

https://apnews.com/article/us-pause-j-and-j-vaccine-blood-clot-reports-2dde2aacf486bab59844ef907a28cbce

Reports on OpenVaers get's scarier and scarier [they estimate only 10 percent or less of cases get reported to VAERS]

https://www.openvaers.com/covid-data

I found some of these studies when looking into the vaccines. Everyday I wake up with sad emotions that I didn't get time to warn enough people. Everyone has to make their own health choices, but I still believe things could go very badly.

They just withdrew the J and J vaccine from the market. I read VAERs and people who have gotten other vaccines on hearing loss boards, and ones on shingles, talking about hearing loss, shingles attacks, and more from the vaccines. Our media has failed us. There's a few investigative journalists like Naomi Wolf speaking out but they have been marginalized. 

https://themostbeautifulworld.com/blog/vaccine-studies

The horror stories are piling up. We are hearing about bad reactions to the vaccines from more people we know.


https://t.me/s/covid_vaccine_injuries

https://twitter.com/PaulMitchell_AB/status/1382398347093237762

If you have any links to add, please post them below. I will be adding to the links as news about adverse reactions to the vaccine and others pile up.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

The Loss of Liberty: It's about Control

 Maybe I am nuts but I posted this meme on my Facebook. Guess someone needs to speak out. Why are they pushing "passports" for a "vaccine" [aka gene therapy] that doesn't really bring immunity or protect anyone from getting Covid and where they can still spread it? Why do they want to push these "vaccines" they don't know the long term effects on kids who are very very low risk from Covid19?

I know too many people who have gotten the vaccines, and the horse was out of the barn, before I knew enough to say anything. Just about everyone reads the word "vaccine" and thinks the mRNA "gene therapy" protects them the same way and it doesn't.

 Hmm during my conspiracy days, we used to warn about some of this crap, guess some conspiracies were true. This even reminds me of a bible prophecy about how one won't be allowed to buy or sell. One thing people may have figured out about me already, I don't follow the crowd. On this one, they are wrong.

This is the destruction of freedom on every layer.  By the way one of my elderly friends got one of "vaccines", and got so sick on the first dose, she ended up calling 911, and fortunately is rethinking the second dose. These stories are becoming personal not just ancedotes online.  Some could say this is letting a crisis never go to waste. 


and see this one too:



Monday, March 15, 2021

The Covid Isolation of an Ex-Scapegoat Aspie in Dystopian Times

 


The isolation of Covid19 is getting to me. If not for my husband I would have already gone mad, in a spiral of complete loneliness.  My life was isolated before, this has firebombed any idea of a social life or social connections. How many single people are ready to lose it, after a year of solitary confinement and just seeing blank masked faces at the grocery store? Many including me are not doing well because there's no one to talk to in person anymore and it feels like all the good things in life have been taken away. Fun's been cancelled. Line up for your card and food rations--hmmm maybe those days are coming.  I was struggling enough in 2019 when those two Lipedema friends died, and from going deaf, and this has just felt like too many losses.

Is anyone else questioning how Covid is being handled? I wore/wear the masks and followed all the "rules". I am now am upset over the possibility of an experimental vaccine being forced on people or being under vaccine passports. The more I researched the vaccine and it's health impacts, the more upset I got. While I got mad at right wingers, and regret a few things, most of the left's blind marching towards an experimental vaccine is freaking me the hell out. Safe vaccines are good to me. If it is safe, tested and true, great! I believe vaccines have saved millions of this lives. This type of vaccine still troubles me. 

Remember when investigative journalism still existed? I guess I am old enough. Those on the left better not make the mistake of silencing other voices. I went to go listen to a Dr. Tenpenny video, she explains how the mRNA vaccines work and the troubles with them. As I read studies, and literature from the companies themselves, she didn't say anything wrong about these vaccines.

To many liberals, she's just a "anti-vaxx" "nutter", but according to my research she didn't say anything wrong about the vaccines and in how they work. And that's what bugs me. Some of us who have no problem with vaccines--I got a flu shot and tetanus shot last year will be labeled "antivaxxer" crazies because we don't want to be guinea pigs.

 I did hours of amateur google "research", and just got more upset, it was enough to know there's problems here.  I went to Google and did "mRNA" studies, doing a search where I wiped out results from 2019 on to clear up the field and noticed the scientists were pointing out the risks of extreme immunological reactions even as late as 2018. If anyone is interested, I'll send you the links.  I want to know what is going on, and the dangers. My personal risks are not small.

I am facing something "new" too. Some weird labs are cropping up, and they are in shock I am still creating tons of kidney stones even while on a very strong medicine. I am being sent to a nephrologist. This came out of the blue and is something another doctor wanted. I am researching now as to what could be the problem and it's probably something complex.  I have holes in my science knowledge and education, but I am more used to reading some scientific writings as related to the medical field more than an average person. I read Pub Med for years. 

 Some early animals studies went very bad. Google ferrets and mRNA research.  It seems all people with common sense would be thinking, "I don't want to be an experiment!" This could be the biggest medical experiment ever done on humanity.  The right went so extreme with the Capitol insurrection and Trump's craziness, that the left is being led by the nose into supporting the system at all costs. I remember when leftists questioned the mainstream. Do we have to prove we believe in science by being human petri dishes, putting our immune systems perhaps at risk for the new "gene therapy"? I believe the majority of people believe the Covid vaccines are like the vaccines of old. They are not. Maybe China and other countries have traditional vaccines, but this would bear some looking into.

This week, I was on a Zoom, and one of my acquaintances, got the first dose of a Covid vaccine and has been very sick in bed for 10 days. I don't know if they will end up hospitalized or what will happen but they sound like they are in dire trouble. Worried voices among my group all fluttered in anxiety. What worries me is at least several people on my Zoom groups have listed horrifying flu symptoms or worse, feeling like they were on fire, spiking high fevers, extreme fatigue. These were the things they were telling groups of 15 plus people, what was going on behind closed doors? How many will remain silent or minimize things out of embarrasment that they lined up? With everyone so seperated now, are the side effects even being reported or known to the point they should be?

These were healthy people. What's supposed to happen to someone like me? What's going to happen to these people long term? It doesn't take much indepth looking to find the people in nursing homes who supposedly died after the vaccine or other older people. Sure some will die via statistics, just by the numbers game but what I have seen seems beyond that.  I live in a body that is an autoimmune nightmare. I wake up daily sometimes to my skin on fire, my forehead burning, my mouth full of sores, the pain and fatigue I face is hard to describe. People see a fat woman and think I can fix everything just by putting down the cakes and cookies, I wish! People don't know what they are playing with, they are playing with fire. Maybe I am a worry wart for thinking it could go bad, but didn't we get in trouble with Covid19 in the first place because people said it wouldn't be a problem?

I've kept my mouth shut, fearing shunning, fearing ostracization for not going with the program.  I don't want to interfere. There's a worry about people getting Covid too. I attempted a subtle warning..."I don't trust the mRNA new tech and have to talk to my doctor" and Zoom rooms fell silent as if I committed a huge taboo. Some people probably will give me a break. A few already have. They will know that with my health history, there's too much dangers. I am worried however for other people too. What will happen to children if they give these vaccines to them one day? I am older, what about younger people who would be betting against their entire lives?

One thing creeping me out is how some people getting the new vaccines are stating, "it's my immune system being reprogrammed" as if their illness was a good sign. Sorry but if you feel sick your body is under attack. While vaccines can affect people negatively, all the historical vaccines that worked never made people sick. Is this article trying to tell us bad side effects are good? Give me a break! My flu shot was like drinking a glass a water in how much it affected me, not at all!  I have asked questions like, How will the spike proteins turn off when it comes to other tissues? How do we know what will happen long term? We don't. Maybe I'm one of those people who ask too many questions but this is the time and place to ask them.

It's weird how way too many on the left have been led to be blind conformists to the capitalist system and now enablers of pharmaceutical companies that while some have brought us medicines that have saved lives or keep us alive, there's been problems too. Think of words like baby powder or medicines that have been taken off the market for having side effects, black box warnings and all. All I got to say is I hope there's no dire effects long terms from all these millions of vaccines being distributed, but I am really worried about it. There is nothing democratic or freedom loving about virtue signaling or leaving everything up to experts who are definitely not free of money influences and other angles without examining things for yourself.  The people who were minding the store failed when it came to Covid19 itself, so will we see failure and disaster here? Us natural pessimists are shaking in our boots a bit. 

This is creating some angst. I was OPEN to taking the vaccines, but being the personality I am, and from all the crap I have gone through, I don't just accept things at face value. If you choose to get a vaccine, given the horrors of Covid, I understand, but please make sure you do a lot of research and examination and know what you are getting into. In my case, entire countries are telling people with my medical problems such as having anaphylactic shock not to get the vaccine. I am not sure why the USA is not delivering these warnings. Maybe they are being given in other states.

Yesterday I told my husband, there's a point I am going to have to return to living life, Covid or no Covid, because living like this seeing no people isn't going to be tolerable much longer. My time on this earth is probably limited as it is. Do I want to live or be in a cage night and day? 

I outran the Grim Reaper all these years for this? We haven't even gone on a short day trip in more than a year. I haven't gone more than 15 miles from my apartment either. We haven't seen one close friend in a year and half. I have seen doctors, and nurses and masked UU church members outside dropping things off or picking things up, and that's it. I have been in 6 stores and medical places since this crap all started. I may go to a thrift store this week since I need some things but that comes even with trepidation too. One lady at a group I belong wants to meet in person next month. Should I take the risk? Since it's for a meal people would have to take off masks for a short period of time. All these things are going through my head.  Some are vaccinated but probably some are not. The vaccines don't make people immune anyhow. Another group wants to have an outside meeting in masks, I may go and do that but yes the worry is there. 

My dreams are strange, rendered abnormal from lack of people and new places and things to do. Reality TV is forming more of my reality, when I find myself talking about people I will never meet online from Whitney Thore to the ladies of Sister Wives. It's scary how I eagerly anticipate these shows. I was watching 1000lb sisters last week and will post on it too.

My mind is being affected via lack of stimuli. While I have done some art work and done a lot of zooms, it's not the same as conversation in person. Even with my bad hearing I managed some. 
My husband keeps me going overall. He does put a smile on my face often during the day too. He keeps busy with some work [he is partially unemployed but there's some to do] and we have worked on projects together. We did form our own little caccoon. I do live in terror of him catching Covid and something happening to him but we did come together more as the world imploded. 

 While I have my husband, it's strange not to have conversations with people anymore. Some may say "Well you have Zoom....." but there a formalized exchange is about on par with what most people may face at work, you are not going to open up. When thirty people can hear your words at once, it's not the same as having private conversations. Some of my organizations definitely have added intellectual interest to my life, some activities with me writing and doing a few lectures for them, fun activities and needed stimuli, but it's not the same as real social interaction. The transcriber phone did work to fix the not being able to hear anyone. CART services and some captioning were offered on a few groups as well. 

I find myself if this is affecting me, isn't it affecting others and what is going to happen to all the kids? Life was already socially disconnected to the max for too many. All the young ACONs now forced to spend every waking hour with their narcissist parents are going to have it far worse. How many kids are going to develop personality disorders, anxiety, PTSD? I worry the younger generations undergoing this are going to be suppressed to be even more compliant and beaten down. That scares me for the future.

I've noticed most people go inward and don't talk about things when things go bad. Being a sharer, outside of my closely connected husband, I feel even more weird. One online friend is willing to talk to me, about some of the crazy stuff, so that's helped. We even talk about what we are going to make for dinner. I need some of that type of conversation. She questions the system like me and that helps. However with a lot of people now I feel uneasy. I lost all these friends from my religious deconversion and being so against Trump, some I would have stayed friends with but they were done with me. Now being in liberal circles, where I thinking more thoughts that have to remain "unspoken" else I could be shunned, there is this feeling of total repression.

I suppose the normal neurotypical reaction to tragedy, is the stiff upper lip face.  Life goes to hell and you go on. The pressure to not show emotions is even more. How is an autistic with a boatload of PTSD/CPTSD supposed to process all this?  I have learned the world's rules of never showing weakness, the hard way as shown on this blog. Showing feelings invited all the abusers in. Age taught me to emote less. It kind of sucks though. I worry I am becoming too closed down. Too many words measured by teaspoon. Inside feeling more and more alone, knowing too many emotions and thoughts are deemed "non-acceptable" by the world at large. The narcissists leave me alone now but it's like living in a repression box.

I notice sometimes even in one friendly group as some of the wealthier, academic types who have been given a place to speak, that they come from such a place of privilege, it is awe-inspiring. Their words are given weight. They hold a respect. They have a trust in this world. I do not. Am I crazy or am I just a realist? Science has brought us some good things but it can be corrupted too.

I think about my life time of invalidation and "independent thinking" that has cost me too high of a price in too many places. I pissed off the Christians and never fit in there. I am always in this place of not being able to "be me". Some people in these groups have given me compliments, "you are very intelligent", maybe those few would listen, but I feel the pressure. Does this make sense? I think what if I told some people how I really feel about the vaccines? Would they still talk to me? Would I face shunnings? How about the fact I believe this Covid stuff is being used? I believe the virus is real, don't get me wrong, but that fact is not escaping my attention and I wrote about it here. 

I regret some political stuff, and I still hate Trump but I feel so manipulated, I am on the verge of throwing all politics into the trashcan for life. I was so active but the same players always win. The world as a chessboard with every demographic at their propaganda beck and call. There feels like a uselessness to it all. I am burned out. There are regrets too that I "got too political", though I don't regret some unpairings there, when some had no independence of thought or supported full authoritarianism. I have every possiblity of getting in trouble with liberals as with conservatives so maybe I put myself out on an ice floe. Centrist Democrats considered me as an unrepentant radical too more times then not. Cancel culture bugs me, I can't stand the racists and other jerks either, but censorship sucks.

Biden is fortunately far more boring than Trump, and I've been ignoring politics lately, but why did he bomb Syria?  The centrist Democrats now are fighting about stimulus money or cutting the money or eligibility down.  We were able to pay our taxes, but a lot of our stimulus money has been used to purchase a specialist for my husband who has no medical insurance.

I am tired of hearing about variants and lock downs and unlock downs and feel like I am being gaslighted about a plague that just won't end. Does anyone remember when they promised it would be two weeks to flatten the curve?  I still wear my mask, but they've ruined everyone's lives. How many years will we all lose from this nonsense? Will I finally go see some people in masks while outside and then return home fearing "I caught it?". I think being ruled by fear is a path to misery too but it's like everything's been ruined. People are changing too, even more closed down quiet. The single and alone are suffering immensely, I've talked to a few and the ones with families around them are the extreme socially privileged.

I don't trust "vaccines" that don't work. Aka... no permanent immunity.

I don't trust being told masks still need to be worn by everyone vaccinated or unvaccinated. What use is the vaccine then? Seriously. Full blown risks with none of the pay-off?

I don't trust all the talk about how asymptomatics. That alone upped the fear factor by 100 with this stupid virus. You couldn't see evidence of illness in front of your face.

I don't trust the talk about how people will need boosters or a new vacc every 6 months. 

I don't like that I saw censorship being done in front of my face. Anyone even talking about side effects is being silenced and sequestered and to me that is a giant red flag.  

The elites are growing too powerful. They seemed to have benefited from a virus that serves their totalitarian needs on a platter on every score.  One reddit board banned me for a week for expressing worries about the Covid Vaccine "side effects" board getting taken down and censored.

I've shut down otherwise, "no one wants to hear it". I make jokes to husband saying: "The world is burning and collapsing but you must pay your bills!" Add in another rant for 10 minutes about us being forced to live like we are all like the kids in Flowers in the Attic. I probably would offend most people with my humor, but at this point what does it matter?

I know everyone's so burdened what is the use of adding on my load? Some friends are sticking by me even while facing troubles of their own,  but a few friends have been disappearing. People I used to talk to weekly on Facebook, are gone. A few are left but I wonder how many are withdrawing into extreme depression, homelessness or no more internet from personal economic collapse. The world has grown into such a scary place, people are freaked out and it is showing. While I enjoy aspects of social media, people are very supportive of my art work, and belong to and even admin groups like one deconversion one, there's this weird feeling with some of it. You miss real world interaction. I have dreams of returning to the real world but find myself worried they want a world where everything is virtual and private conversation becomes very rare.

With Covid, I am not adapting. The "new normal" sucks. I was too way hard on those I called "Covidiots" because too much BS is continuing and a lot just doesn't make any sense. I got caught up in the fervor. Now I am looking around saying what the hell is going on? This definitely has taught me a lesson about taking political hard lines when our politics is so deeply manipulated from the top. The antimaskers will still annoy me, but now I will leave them alone. I'm tired of all the fear too. 

 I am questioning some aspects of the lockdowns as they seem to have failed. I question there being a new variant every week. I question them monkeying indepth with the human immune system with their "new gene therapy". Has this vaccine been stopped in America yet?

My choice now is withdrawing more from politics and news. To free my brain from their constant trauma programming. I am scared to return to "real life" but living without any people or activities is no life. If I go too long never talking to anyone in person there's going to be some severe side effects especially given my history.

There's risk to everything. Unlike some, I think the virus is real, but it's definitely being USED. I also realize as someone whose almost died of allergies before multiple times with all these health problems, I have to take care of myself. Society is turning totalitarian. I worried for months about it coming from the right but there's aspects of it coming from both sides.

The DNC could step in for it's brief interval and then we could get a stronger more charismatic fascist that will outgun Trump. The pendelum will keep swinging. The technocrat future seems to dream of nothing but control and misery. 

It's scary to have viewpoints you know won't be accepted. I was on the Covid true believer bus, I still am wearing the masks and believe the virus is real still, but it's like religion, don't believe everything you are told. 

Thursday, March 4, 2021

Censorship and Worries about the Vaccine.

pro-vacc video, gives explanation of mRNA


I have major worries about the Covid vaccines. I am not an anti-vaxxer and had a tetantus shot 6 months ago and a flu shot last year. 

Some countries warned people who have had severe allergies and anaphylactic shock that they should not take the vaccines. America from what I can tell has not given such warnings. I've had anaphylactic shock, body wide hives, face swelling up, with severe asthma. Multiple reactions have happened to me over my life. For years I carried an emergency bottle of Benadryl on my person at all times. It's saved me from hidden potatoes in food and also once from a teeny tiny crumb of goat cheese-- I was trying it for the first time. Cipro gave me body wide hives and severe asthma as late as the mid 2010s. 

I am not a scientist but know enough about the immune system to know experimental messing with it could bring great risks. The more I studied mRNA, the more my concerns grew. Remember I am the woman, whose lungs, ears, skin, endocrine system and body are trashed from an immune system already gone rogue. UCTD gives me a chance of going into full blown lupus. I have an autoimmune disease--dermatomyositis that affects my skin too but one day will affect my muscles. Add to that CFS.  I have personal predictions about where this all could go for everyone but they are not good. How come no mRNA never worked on any other disease before? How did they fix these problems the ferrets in early studies faced?  Do people realize these vaccines are still experimental? I know so many people who have gotten it. Some did admit they had severe symptoms at the start though no one I knew ended up hospitalized.

I'm not up on the roster yet in my state but when you see an entire non-conspiracy board on Facebook disappear where real people were posting pictures of their Covid cards and talking about extreme health effects and severe allergic reactions to the vaccines it makes you wonder. One large board with over 100,000 members literally disappeared in front of my eyes as I was reading it! The board's name appears on this side effects roster. 

 Some of the health side affects were immediate and very severe.  By statistics, some people will have strokes or other health problems who happened to get the vaccine the day, but these problems seem well beyond that. I was there to gather information nothing else, not even sure which vaccine to take. I won't say much more on the subject, don't want this blog taken down, but my worries are severe. Just so you know some liberals not just conspiracy people are starting to question things. Robert F Kennedy Jr. and Naomi Klein are among their number. I won't tell people what to do. I am still in examination but make sure to do your research.


 

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Vegetarianism


I'm exploring vegetarianism. I have made at least half my meals vegetarian meals now. I don't see me giving up all meat, I will want to eat some chicken and turkey especially given my issues with anemia and lack of B vitamins. Veganism is too severe, I do better with eggs and some dairy. 

 Years ago I had to give up red meat to keep the kidney stones away. One Arby's roast beef sandwich or hamburger will make mean kidney stones, extreme back pain and throwing up. That's how bad beef reacts with my body. I've eaten one pork chop in a year, even my Thanksgiving turkey, I had to be careful with. The vegetarian days seem to be dropping the blood sugar by 20 points, this is unexpected. This morning's blood sugar was even on the low side at 84. For years especially with PCOS I was indoctrinated on the high protein/low carb model. Keto would kill me. So much meat and Paleo looked like a kidney stone nightmare to me years ago. More cooking is required, that part is not always easy to get used to. I did have more money for food via Covid Stimulus money, so that helped the vegetarian train along.

Friday, February 12, 2021

Analyzing Good and Bad Therapy

The above statement has a little generalizing to it, but there's good warnings there as well. Some therapists are good, some are bad and some are middling. I really needed a therapist a few years ago but was priced out of the running. Mental health care is far harder to come by in America. So when I couldn't afford therapists anymore,  I went into a peer group for around 5 years, I volunteered with them too. Sadly the good directors of the group moved away and while some of us tried to keep it going, it did end at a certain point. This group was a positive part of my life and gave me the strength to change things to begin with.

I still am interested in therapy now but with huge bills like our impending taxes and the price of food having doubled around here, it's still been put off. Part of me thinks, "What will the therapists do?" They can't fix the world. CPTSD/PTSD is a bad mixture with Covid. One thing that worries me about people is everyone has to act like everything is okay. I feel repressed everywhere. Like sometimes I want to talk about how crazy everything has become but there's no one to do this with. The Midwest is full of stiff upper lip types, where not everyone blends in with this. The world is burning but suck it up!

 Many friends have their own problems. People who have to go slog at some essential job probably envy someone on disability who can never leave the house. It's sad but outside of my husband, I am talking more to strangers online about life, than any friends. People are withdrawing, from depression and the rest. How many are becoming homeless or can't pay their bills?  I expect everything to collapse. Does this shock anyone here? At this point I do. I suppose it's on a slower slog then I dreamed. They will grind us down. One year of Covid, everyone's depressed, Two years of Covid? Who knows if we will have minds left. 

Therapy is really expensive. Even someone insured like me, has to come up with 70-100 dollars a session. The state run therapy place were I live is so overwhelmed unless you are ending up hospitalized or hallucinating on a daily basis, they don't have the resources to help. When I was younger therapy was far more accessible. Even in Chicago during the 1990s, I only had to pay a small fee based on a sliding fee scale. Mental health care was more widely available.

Pre-Covid, I felt like I had finally gotten a handle on my life long depression, leaving Christianity definitely helped with this.  Life was looking bright despite my health problems. The anxiety stuff is still a problem and worsened after Covid, but never has returned to the levels it was pre-no contact. It was ironic, that the year I finally was getting a grip on what could be called happiness, everything kind of fell apart. It's not good to get old and think well my life didn't turn out.

We even got a better car where we could finally take some day trips after years of being so limited with an older van I didn't dare take out of the county but Covid ended those plans. While I still didn't have any close local friends outside of my online ones, and so many friendships ended based on ACON recovery, deconversion and politics, I had cobbled together a life of sorts. I was involved with my community and groups that made me happy, this included a yearly art class, visits to a local art museum, local events from parades to shows,  zine conferences, stamp club and auctions, politics and protests, visits to the park book clubs, the gym, and most importantly of all my Unitarian Universalist fellowship. I still had my disabilities to deal with but with my husband, I was trying to make our life as rich and full as possible on very little money and with my limitations to deal with. 

I enjoy what I can in here, but the misery quotient for everyone now is so high, it's changed the world in some really bad ways. America had a serious enough mental health crisis going before all this. One thing that helps me with Covid, is telling myself, "You didn't choose this". I'm not sure what to think now. It's easier to deal to deal with the philosophy "Shit happens on this decaying rock" then "God has a plan" because then I would be crying over God wanting to drink more of my tears. Buddhist "acceptance" works far better for sanity than "God's punishing me yet again!"

Covid in general has not been good for anyone's mental health. How many people are cracking up? I joked to my husband maybe I am protected in the way that so much bad stuff has happened how does this compare? Singles and other are under the solitary confinement gun. Middle class people have seen careers, small businesses and dreams destroyed. Some people have lost loved ones, I know several people who had a family member or friend die of Covid.

I personally know poverty and impending homelessness are very bad for mental health. How many are in that boat? Some friends have withdrawn and gone quiet. I've gone more inward too. With CFS, I could sleep the day away easy though in my case I have to get up to stay alive and mobile. Medically life is on a required regiment. However sleep remains a nice escape especially in winter. I'm always exhausted enough to fall asleep whenever I want. Unlike some disabled insomniacs from pain, pain doesn't keep me awake. Then there's substance abuse. I suspect those problems have to be skyrocketing too.  In my case, I can't drink due to allergies, haven't touched the stuff in 30 years however that has to be getting worse as people seek an escape from the worry and trauma.

When I was in therapy on and off, some therapists found my life story to be an unusual one. I have definitely talked about some crazy stuff on this blog, but I shared enough of life with sociopaths and narcissists, that there were times, I did surprise the therapists.

Once one of them told me, "I just can't take it!" That was weird, where one's life was so messed up, a therapist was ready to chuck it in. At last three told me I had the most severe emotional abuse of any child they heard of. No broken bones or "Child called It" stuff, but my long time readers on this blog probably can guess at what freaked them out.  Contrary to my haters, I never got diagnosed with any personality disorders, my diagnoses centered around severe anxiety disorders. There was some time my hormonal disorders were added into the diagnostic fray. I connected with some therapists better than others. Some loved me almost like some my favorite professors, but some didn't like me either.

For some my weight was a major issue they couldn't see beyond. One therapist did think due to my fast weight gain history that I had a pituitary tumor or other medical problem and even had me talk to a psychiatrist about it. One thing complicating things, was because my weight was so severe and 50 more pounds could take me into immobility, anti-depressants were not as much of an option as they were for others. I had seen thin people turned easily into 300 pound people from antidepressants. One friend was even an ex-model who became fat for many years though she was able to later lose weight. A doctor warned me I was on so many physical meds, that I could be tipped over into problems just from being on too many medications. I know my complex medical problems were not easy for therapists to deal with.

In one online discussion group I am in we were talking about therapists. There was one therapist I hadn't thought about in years. These memories came up to me and I was talking about it with that group. She is the therapist I had back around 1999/2000 after escaping Chicago. We had strong rapport so much so we discussed befriending each other once my therapy was over, but I think she made the decision this would cross boundaries so we never did, though we would smile and say hello in my then small rural town.

She told me about Aspergers and I read books about it and she thought it described my problems and this was later backed up by two other therapists and a psychologist, so on that score she did improve my life quite a bit. However one thing she did do that led me on a 14 year journey to nowhere, is she sold "Christianity" to me as the answer for my problems. She was an evangelical working in a secular therapy office. She meant well, she was a kind person who meant no ill intent, and what would she say to me today if I had her before me telling me how the Christianity turned out? Chances are that she is no longer with us, as she was well into her 60s when I saw her 20 years ago.

I remember her giving me a book on Jesus to read, wish I remembered the title, and her telling me the Unitarian Universalist church was a spiritual dead end and that they taught "false things". My new rural town was a hundred miles from the closest UU church at that time.  

I am in the position now, if I am able to afford a therapist, that I would have to be clear to the counseling office, no Christians and no conservatives, this may offend a few people, but with the depth of religious issues and others, I would only offend most Christians except the most liberal ones. It's a boundary I would have to establish. 

 Even Catholic therapists can be a problem. One was offended when I spoke of leaving the Catholic church. Another one who was my husband's main therapist in a secular office and where we had joint counseling years ago, tried to convert him to Catholicism. The conservative Republicanism didn't help either. His office was plastered in pictures of the Virgin Mary. We live in a very conservative area, and our old town was even more conservative, so some may be shocked given that the view of most therapists is that the majority are liberals. Many here are very Christian, and two counseling offices in my area advertise themselves as "Christian counseling" centers. In fact if you are destitute and can't afford counseling, and don't qualify for the state run counseling center to take you, you will be referred to a local Christian college to their free student counselors. 

This therapist who led me to Christianity also while she admitted my abuse was some of the most severe she ever had heard, and diagnosed me with PTSD too, also gave me the message to reconcile and "forgive" abusers too. Obviously I would go down a ill-fated forgiveness journey that just opened the door to more abuses. Therapists who taught this weren't trying to harm us though harm was done from it. They were taught in their counseling classes to "improve relationships".

One thing you hear all over the place out there, is that too many therapists are failing ex-scapegoats or those who have faced narcissistic abuse, or even trauma in general. The therapeutic themes of reconciliation or that focus on "reuniting families" a la John Bradshaw were in vogue during most of my years in therapy from the last 90s into the mid 2000s. I hope things have changed for the better especially as ACONs are concerned. However in talking with people online, it seems ACONs are still facing some difficulties in therapist offices. Some have problems being believed, some therapists don't seem to understand how NPD works in family systems. We definitely need more therapists out there trained in how scapegoating works, and how to deal with abuse victims. Soon to be ex-scapegoats who are trying to escape the narcissistic pit, need a lot of support.

The misdirection into reconciliation, forgiveness and the Christian religion did not serve me well. I have the feeling it's probably done a lot of harm to others. If I was to look for a therapist now, how would I find one that knows enough about trauma/abuse, extreme health problems, a fundie past, religious trauma and won't try to push Christianity down my throat? How many offices will I offend saying NO CHRISTIANS? Some would find it a strange request.

One of the best therapists I had, was a young secular one, in 2011 or so, who I could only afford for two sessions, who announced to me, "You are trying your best". She taught the art of self compassion. That helped clear my head and actually was a positive moment for my life. After years of judgment and being told, "you are not enough", that therapist paved the way for me to know I was enough. 

Class issues can be a big thing when it comes to therapy. I definitely hope more therapists are being taught about class consciousness or what life is truly like for the poor or low income when they see more impoverished clients. Some class factors can impact therapy. I live in a very conservative region of the country where we do have some "bootstrap" types in the counseling office. They can do more damage than good.

If you offer clients advice where it takes money to get things done where said money does not exist, than that is a dead end. I also hope things have changed for the better too, as I am an older person and some of my experiences took place in the 1990s. I don't want anyone to forgo therapy just to be cautious of the quality and outlook of their therapist. I don't know if this is true anymore but I encountered some therapists who were influenced by New Age teachings, and affirmations to make things come true too. I think we should let people know what to expect in therapists, so they know the dangers out there and pitfalls.

Finding a "woke" therapist may not be easy. I know in my case, the ones who understand poverty and injustice and admitted they existed, were definitely easier to deal with. There is privilege in telling people to "be positive" and then their dreams will come true. Some have more serious problems to be dealt with and "inner work" definitely is an asset but having a therapist that understands systemic effects is important. People need to be given practical tools and coping mechanisms that deal with life as it is, not given fantasy or religious based answers to problems. Some therapists excelled at this of course.

Reality based therapists or ones who focused on coping mechanisms helped me the most. Here too I think of Christianity where there is privilege in telling people "God has a plan" and that their lives will "work out for the best". Christianity failed for me because it simply provided no guidance for my real life and why bad things happened. It's explanations simply didn't work in the real world. As one guy online I talked to said, "Chinese slaves on the railroad were definitely anxious and depressed." I met many people who had lives so much on the hard setting, where nothing worked out, that the religious descriptions of reality simply failed.

One thing that mentally helped me was jumping off the blame and shame train. The narcissists taught me to blame myself for everything bad that happened. Sadly religion backed this up too, insisting I pray all the time for "good" things to happen, and that if bad things happened, it was due to my lack of faith or spiritual errors. Learning other philosophies and coping mechanisms to deal with the "bad stuff" that happened helped me a lot. I am glad I deconverted prior to Covid happening.

American self-help culture has influenced therapy too. The self help world often taught that everything was under the control of the individual. What has Covid taught us but how much is beyond our control? The best therapists also analyze what needs are not being met. There's times I think the mental health world is full of people who simply need friends and someone to care about and love them. I have a loving husband but the world is full of many Eleanor Rigbys. "All the lonely people"..... Even before Covid, while I and my husband have plenty of online and faraway friends, I told him, we have to become less isolated we need to make local friends too. Covid increasing social isolation and disconnection definitely is not going to help people's mental health. Loneliness prior to Covid was an epidemic. What's going to happen now? I'm starting to feel funny from the isolation as a bookworm Aspie so what about the extroverts of the world?

I am not a therapist just a lay person making remarks on my experience, mental health is a complicated area, I can't claim to know everything about but these were just some ideas I wanted to explore. I do think Covid is massively impacting mental health and the therapists very much have their work cut out for them. Anyone who is a consumer of mental health resources, needs to be mindful of what kind of therapists are out there and some of the pitfalls. We definitely need more access to mental health care in the United States.


Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Do Narcissistic Families Get a New Scapegoat When You are Gone?



 When the scapegoat leaves a highly narcissistic family does the family designate a new scapegoat?

Makes you wonder, do they chose a new scapegoat? Don't go back! I am no contact with the whole bunch so have no idea if mine did. I am gone and it doesn't matter what they do anymore. I feel sorry already for whoever it is. I am the only one who managed to break away.

Even doing geneaology I looked for other escapees, one side of the family was definitely messed up with affairs and real grandpa sowing his wild oats far and wide. Maybe when some scapegoats leave, their families fracture apart.  When you pull the "everyone's trashcan for negativity" thread out, maybe it crumbles apart. If you have the guts to leave and stay gone for years and years,  others will notice: "Hey she's gone, if I don't go to Christmas dinner or blow off that wedding, whose going to care, Scapegoat Sue has done far far worse by disappearing!" They may find the courage to do slow fades and low contact themselves.

After all you already pulled a disappearing act and that doors been opened. The scapegoat has already committed the supposed ultimate evil by going poof so what they do will pale in comparison. This can give others permission to fade from the family. Spouses that don't like the main narcissists or are competing narcissists will withdraw as well. People today live far away, what will people mean who live hundreds of miles away after 25 years?  There are no positive memories of "family" to keep the motivation up to remain in contact.

The others may be cowards and did what they were told, but rule by fear only goes so far. The narcissist will get old and that alone will remove the youthful energy it takes keep things going.  Some families probably do fracture apart after the scapegoat leaves. I'm not sure if they pick a new one or not. If mine happened to, I hope the new scapegoat finds the courage to escape. 


From my Sketchbook

 


Birds

 

I have a better camera now, so hoping to take more photos, this was a recent one. 

Unfriending Conservative People without Empathy

This guy called me Debbie Downer the other day. I unfriended him. He is a libertarian from my old town. People in my old rural town are nuts. The place has a Q believer for a mayor and on the Facebook boards they talked about how two of the city council members were at Trump's insurrection, I don't know if they were in the Capitol building or not. It's a damn good thing I never moved back there. The place has gone insane. 

This guy was an atheist but still into the conservative movement. He is rich and flies airplanes and goes to Europe.  I know a lot of people judge me for not being perky and a lot of NTs hate Aspies for not being happy acting enough. I even said you expect me to smile and be positive as the world burns and they have destroyed our lives. He doesn't recognize his own privilege. I am sick of people judging me for not being happy enough or even talking about injustice in general. He was mad at me for talking about all the homelessness that's going to happen from Covid. If I am a Debbie Downer I was made this way.

I have been thinking about the kind of people out there who think everything's all right jack, even during a pandemic. It's kind of messed up. Many of them are upper class boomers. If you noticed all those Capitol protesters had cash for 80,000 trucks, their endless flags and trips to Washington DC. So many good jobs lost due to their traitorship.

 I don't mind fellow UUs trying to be cheerful and doing some volunteer work, I mean people like that make you happier, and don't insist on patroling your emotions. But these conservative types, this one actually posted against the minimum wage. They are so petty lest someone get a dollar above them, even as they rake it, they glory in a world view where they can be in the highest position while spitting down on those below. I guess that describes the entire Republican party. 

This particular guy didn't like Trump, but he embraced all the Charles Murray crap and gave people lectures on one Facebook board about "bettering" themselves, still thinking it was 1980 and a college degree automatically opened the door to the middle class. These are the types who will tell you things like "Go feel sorry for yourself, blame everything on external conditions!" Which is kind of funny given that they will go on about how everyone is victims while doing everything to destroy our lives. This one at least wore masks but most of his compatriots spread pandemic.

He summed up our conversation with:

"As to me, I've got a meeting with another potential capitalistic partner. Excelsior!" 

All the small minds only care about their money and privilege. The world can burn but if their cable and tablet work they don't give a damn. Those homeless people down the street can suck it according to types like this, they didn't "improve" themselves. 

I'm still cleaning the slate this many years in. I don't buy that unity talk about allowing people with different views in anymore. I don't expect friends to be carbon copies, but some people do have shitty values, and I don't want them in my life anymore. I realized many of these people match the anti-values of my so called family.

I responded:

"So who are you to judge whose refusing to "improve their lot" in life? Oh I forget that bottom ledger is supposed to count for everything. Silly me. Save the speeches for those who still "believe". Wonder what our old rural town's poverty rate is now? 50 percent? [It was 37 percent just a few years ago]


What is the rate now of sociopathy in America? If this place folds, the lost altruism did it. A society can't survive when everyone's just out for themselves. I pay attention now to what values the people I surround myself with have, if they suck or they don't have any, I am done. People of the corrupt system have nothing to offer me.

Republicans have more psychopathic traits


Monday, February 1, 2021

The Fat Hatred of the Lipedema World and Whitney Wants Weight Loss Surgery

2014 study on the hardships of high stage Lipedema. I may have even participated in this one but know I did others--I was diagnosed in 2014.

Where are the size acceptance people are when it comes to the Lipedema world? I seem to be the lone voice. Did all the other supersized stage 4s give up and walk away from these Lipedema groups on Facebook? If they did, I don't blame them. It's weird the world is burning and Covid is spreading but people stick to the "thin is in" religion even though the gyms are all closed and our activities have all been curtailed.

I try to ignore the Lipedema boards but do read to find out the few decent medical facts.  More caution is needed. I have noticed a large one has become worse than Weight Watchers with the newly thin although with still puffy legs under their thinness all bragging about their weight loss. This isn't my first time complaining about fat hatred in the Lipedema world, but it's worsening. I need to stay away from these places for my mental health.  On this go around, one snottily wrote, "Weight loss is not impossible with Lipedema!". She looked like a size one or so on top maybe a size 6 or so on the bottom. She wore a bare midriff top too. My settings were changed so the postings aren't visible unless I decide to go over there. Yeah there has to be more of a firm line.

The diets they push have grown more extreme too over the last year. I would post a few disagreements. I do not post to this blog because I want to keep it anonymous, but basically I was ganged up on. The thin at any cost brigade propeled by a society that backs up their hatred of fat people never gave up. Things worsened with more women bragging about giving up every carbohydrate, or eating the Carnivore diet. One woman claimed she only eats only 4 hours a day from 2pm to 6pm, she must not experience hunger pain, making that doable for her intermittent fasting. Another one decided that eating every other day and going completely without food every day in between was her answer. For years, I have been ignored when talking about the degree of hunger I cope with. I have hunger pain now but am pushing lunch back on purpose to spread food out. How bad will these groups be next year, will some have attained Karen Carpenter's level? 

Did size acceptance die? Oh it's still out there, but it's been cast out of the mainstream.  Everyone got fatter, and being fat was painful so now they are pulling out what used to be considered eating disordered behaviors for the anorexic side of things. When your Lipedema boards read like pro-ana boards with people bragging of going days without eating or eating only meat than you start to wonder. Their diets would kill me too. The kidney stones from the Carnivore diet would bring a painful death. This where the majority of the Lipedema world has gone now. To question any of this too, makes you a non-person in those circles, they only care about weight loss success and nothing else. They will definitely shout you down. My marginalization is so complete there, I've never seen anything like it. Maybe I'm too Aspie, to please a group of looks oriented women, or they seem me so much as the "other" because I am "so far gone" but it's disappointing beyond belief. My long time readers know this about me, but sometimes I hate being female, always having to worry about looks or being expected to obey this societal mandate that my body and how it conforms should be the central motive of my life. 

If this was a man's disease, the medical world would looking into the endocrine causes, and why the lymph system failed, or why some of us get fibrosis and lipomas, diets would not be seen as the answer. Because it's women, all the Lipedema boards read like Cathy comics from hell. They focus on fat even though the body is full of fluids. Weight loss is everything. I don't even see anyone talking about infections or pain on there anymore.

How are the newly poor from Covid supposed to afford their special diets? Class issues and Covid barely exists on these boards with the sole focus being weight loss. I am scared about my weight being tied down inside so much due to winter. My parathyroids are going [again] and doctors are doing their usual linear by the numbers stuff and not explaining why I am getting hypercalcimia. My theory now is that the high levels of uric acid and kidney stones could be part of another endocrine problem or issue that is being neglected. 

The doctors all looked burned out. So I am afraid of having another complicated issue happening now. I am supposed to get a PTH test done in March. This may be yet another issue I have to fight for diagnosis on. Hmmm that one doctor back in the 90s thought there were polyendocrine autoimmune issues. The doctors have turned cold, maybe for good reason and have even less empathy. All the fat hating eugenics related to Covid have not helped, since we have been told without hesitation we would be the first on the triage list. It's scary out there.

I don't feel support in the Lipedema world except by a few friends I met online who have it. The punishing words and put downs remain the same. Following my ACON rule of staying away from people who make you feel like garbage, I've withdrawn from the online boards more and more. While I meet a few like-minded women, they've been marginalized same as me, silenced as well.

Only the thin or those pulling out all stops from starvation to 6 hours a day in the gym are considered "worthy" and you can see the ableist pecking order where the smaller lower stages get all the praise. Lipedema puts some women in nursing homes and wheelchairs, and I have a few friends who have died very young I met online, but instead of the seriousness of this condition being dealt with, we are told diets are the answer! It pisses me off. If this illness is supposedly all about fat and diets, how are we going to get real treatment or help? Why do they ignore the pain for so many of us, where doing more makes the fluid come on? It's far more complext in higher stages.  I had to collect urine for kidney tests for 24 hours and noticed I took off 1600 fluid ounces after using my Flexitouch. How is that normal? That's a few pounds of pee! I poured it off into the collection jar. 

A lot of the women seem like normal sized women, who aren't even fat but may be low stage 1s who got a surgeon to give them some liposuction and came on to model their near normal or normal bodies. There's no support there too. Kicking around the fats seems to be a new sport for more budding narcissists now.

A few times I talked about size acceptance and fat liberation but I tell those are rare and refused concepts in the Lipedema world. I was wasting my breath. I'm not sure how to proceed. Maybe I dreamed of acceptance and fitting in, in Lipedema circles. I got banned from one stage 3-4 board because this one admin decided she didn't like me. Some of this was my mistake, asking if it was right for someone to be a member of the board who was trying to sell Shakeology diets to us. Sometimes us Aspies get in trouble with too much truth-telling. Groups don't often like that kind of thing. Ex-scapegoats are warned to be cautious and "pick their battles". Anyone hear anything about Shakeology lately? Another fad diet in the dust bin, sooned to be joined with Keto and Carnivore.

 Reddit is an extreme fat hating world too. If I mention anything weight or obesity related, I get my head ripped off. The default is that you are an overeating pig and deserve what you got. I can tell that horrible show 600lb life has just added to the fat hatred. Dr. Now and his producer son, have not presented super-fat people in a positive light. Are millennials more fat hating now? I'm not sure. There definitely seem to be more fat younger people. I went to the grocery store with my husband, waited in the car and saw a woman who had to be at least 450lbs in her 20s walking in. The pressure to be thin, definitely has grown higher. Her world did not look an easy one.

Pursing the genetic testing has not been easy. I want to know. Doctors don't always care about knowledge for knowledge's sake, and my Covid overwhelmed doctor from his housebound elderly patients, probably doesn't care about getting Peep her free rare obesity genetic tests she found online. I told him about the website, and even asked the company to send me paperwork so I could make it easy for the doctor and have him sign off. They told me, the doctors had to go through the website. Perhaps I can get a specialist to help. I have wanted genetic testing for years. There is another path to use my Ancestry DNA on this one genetics website, but that will cost some money. For years, I have known something is different, my physical attributes go beyond severe obesity, the near deafness, my small mouth, the way I am built, there's a lot of things that point to genetic problems. 

I have failed at weight loss, even keeping it stable, is all I can do on my usual food schedule, and doing Comcast TV exercise. I marched in place for 10 minutes yesterday and walked some in the hall.  Life on Covid house arrest sucks. Whenever I did venture out to walk around trying to avoid people or go anywhere, I was faced with way too many maskless people. Even today this maskless woman sat out our apartment foyer breathing all over the place.  Living like this is getting depressing and it seems like it's never going to end. I will never forgive the people who did this to us. They couldn't shut down some international flights because the richy riches always get their way.

I make sure to walk a little bit once or twice a week but that got harder. The kidney stones are having me transfer to a near vegetarian diet. I still eat a little meat. New vegetarian recipes have become part of my life.  I put 2 chicken sausages in dish of food we ate for two dinners, so had half a chicken sausage at one meal.   Morningstar and Dr. Praeger veggie patties are on the menu.  Oddly more removal of meat dropped my blood sugars somewhat, down by 20 points. [108 this morning]

 I don't expect weight loss from this. It just doesn't happen though for normal people, the calorie deficient would probably take a little off. It's to keep from dying of a kidney stones. The day the fascists attacked the Capitol is the day I got a giant one, with back pain and all. I gave up red meat 5 years ago. So this is lowering of other meat.

Whitney Thore who I still believes has undiagnosed Lipedema is buckling under pressure, and now wants weight loss surgery.  She needs to not waste her platform and to refuse the pressures of our fat hating society. More and more I think her show is meant to prop up the diet industry, instead of challenging it. She should have it out with her producers and turn things around.

All the worse stereotypes about fat people are promoted by her show, knowingly or unknowingly. Fat people are childish, we see Whitney running to her parents for every little thing. Fat people don't deserve romantic relationships the same as others, so we see Whitney cling to Buddy as her sloppy seconds who treats her like garbage, uses her for free rent and refuses to commit. She then had her rumored to be fake relationship, where her now ex-finace Chase cheated on her and had a baby with another woman. Now we see the usual gambit, of the woman still hated even though she exercises all the time, giving in to the diet industry juggernaut! Weight loss surgery as the supposed answer. Hopefully she will back away and this is only a one show venture.

Why doesn't Whitney pursue more answers? She has the cash to go to the weight loss program at Duke University, or another inpatient diet place to get some weight loss on track. She could have doctors figure out what is going on. She could see the ultimate PCOS specialist in the world, maybe they could put her on an androgen blocker like I was which made my weight loss possible down from 700lbs. I was forced off this drug 5-6 years ago due to other medical issues but it could help her.

She could be stabilize at a decent midsized weight if she got medical issues dealt with. She has resources and a platform many others do not.  She has pain, and obviously she can't do everything the thin people do, she's succumbing to the pressure. It's another Carnie Wilson trip: "get weight loss surgery". Whitney should not be talked into the sleeve or the RNY, go for the D and S [duodenal switch], risks and all, at least she won't have the embarrassment of the later regain to come since the metabolism sinks in so many. I hate all weight loss surgery but if I was forced at gun point to do it, I would want the one that works.

Remember that show Ruby? That was another show about a superfat woman, that one focused on weight loss though. She weighed 700lbs and lost a big chunk, I think around 380 or so in her case, but when she stopped losing and had some regain they removed her show off the air. Supposedly she lied about her weight.

Things are getting worse for fat people. I still plan to rejoin NAAFA, though so many bills got in the way for now. It is still on the roster. These weight loss pushing people all they do is make me depressed. Telling people they are pieces of crap doesn't help anyone get healthier. Somehow this is still the way they want to do it with fat people. The abuse out there is getting worse. I can tell. Hell just my moniker fivehundredpoundpeep brings out the haters. They are still sticking to the failed answers of the last 40-50 years.

I feel for the woman who wrote this article last year talking about Lipedema. One thing I notice they never talk about is the pain of Lipedema, everytime I move it hurts and it has taken a toll. It's always with the attitude "fat ass go lose weight --no matter what it takes", "even if you have to go without eating a few days a week". That's basically the message of the majority of Lipedema support groups I've been on! I fear for her if she discovers what some of the Lipedema boards are like. That's going to be a blow. Hatred for obesity has grown so bad, even if you have a rare fat disorder, it doesn't matter, you better be thin or else!

Whitney would be better off to eat three healthy meals a day--get best food she can, portions, lower meat, lots of vegs, exercise a certain number of days a week, food schedule with no free eating inbetween, and let the chips fall where they may and make her size a non issue. Go join NAAFA and raise a middle finger to the diet and weight loss surgery pushers.

Many of the people here don't get that fat people have been told they are "not enough" their entire lives, and blamed and shamed. Doesn't make any of them thin, just fucks them up inside. I like healthy food, exercise, and things like that but the poison, and the drip drip drip of "you suck" wears down on fat people. I've had my fill. Sometimes the internet can be a toxic place. One needs to be careful on here.  That Lipedema board sent me into some more bad feelings, the feeling of "never enough". Sometimes I hate this world, petrified of weight gain by being locked in the house, not able to go anywhere without fearing immediate death because so few here wear masks. We now have an entire year lost.

They all praise the newly thin like they are gods and people like me are no one. This is one sick society. I will be okay and remind myself self-compassion is the answer. I can only do what I can do. I'll do the exercise and go make myself some tofu patties with zucchini for lunch and eat a vegetarian burrito with peppers for dinner and will know all my haters will consider me a liar and that I huffed down a few cakes and pizzas but they never believed me all these years so what does it matter at a certain point? 

And you see that in Whitney. She annoys me as I have written about her possible narcissistic traits but I also realize how she was influenced and the pain they unload on fat people that is never ending.  Since she was a normal sized person for most of her young life, and then skyrocked in weight during college, it messed her up. This is more evidence to me of the possibility of her having Lipedema, remember I'm the woman who was midsized until my early 20s but than had my huge weight gain. It's weird to see her up through college being normal sized.  I hate to see her doing the weight loss surgery thing, she's giving in the fat hating society that's basically abusing her for the sake supposedly of "health". I still say she has Lipedema. It's sad even with all her body positivity stuff, she has never heard of the basics of fat liberation. One can tell she feels like she's "not enough" inside, with her conservative parents that wanted a thin and petite married woman with babies for a daughter, and with a society that denigrates her even as she has achieved a level of fame. She has a group of nice friends hopefully they are real and not just for the show.

Even if she figures out she has Lipedema or got diagnosed with it, she better be careful. That world is making weight loss everything too though Lipedema does more than give you a higher number on a scale. It's still open season on fat people. If anything it's gotten worse in the last 5 years. The Lipedema world has a few decent people like Dr. Stutz but from what I am seeing, it's become abusive, with the shoving of diets down people's throats, that gets worse year by year. Why has the Lipedema world grown so toxic? Why are people even with success and fame, feeling like they are "not enough"? Things shouldn't be this way.


Thursday, January 14, 2021

False Promises

We can stop the cycle.#faithdeconstruction #deconstruction #exchristian #exfundie #exvie #exevangelical #exvangelical #emptythepews #religoustrauma #indoctrination


Tuesday, January 12, 2021

The Christo-Fascists, Trumpsters and Their Attempted Coup



Some time ago I wrote this article:

Is Gilead Coming? Theocracy in America.

I reacted with horror to the Capitol Storming,  glued to the TV all day.  Stress gives me kidney stones too. Instead of people protesting for Medicare for All, social and economic equity, and for UBI, we have the Idiocracy of America rioting and attempting a coup for fascism and greater oppression. 

My husband was still asleep and I ran into the bedroom during the first news reports and said, "Gilead's taken over the Capitol!"  He was in shock and ran to go look at the TV too. 

America has lost it's mind and is now dancing with possible Civil War over a sociopathic ingrate named Donald Trump. 140 Republican representatives all came out against certifying the election, and helped pave the way for this too. Trump got up and incited his MAGA minions to storm the Capitol. Why Trump hasn't been led off on a perp walk yet is disturbing to me. He's being given too much time to do tons of damage in a narcissistic rage. He'll burn down the whole country with his stupid ego. 

Pence has failed us and refused to institute the 25th amendment. Congress is now working on impeaching Trump but sadly more Republican traitors that allowed Trump to stay the last time, may betray us yet again. More threats of violence are out there including would be planned attacks on State Houses. 

Evangelical Christianity and the Christo-Fascists have pushed all this. They want to rip down democracy all together and replace it with dictatorship. This is why they want to toss out an election, this is why they preach dominance at all costs. Their religion is one of authoritarianism, and their politics are too. They want to control everyone. Freedom is to be wiped away. 

These were not poor people storming the Capitol, but privileged white middle aged/and boomer aged Karens and Kens who got fired from very good jobs as reported in multiple newsreports for their criminal sedition. Too bad these jerks don't really stand for anything except destruction and lies and being plague rats who refuse to wear masks. How stupid can people get? They disgust me. 

Sadly one thing I worry about now as a result of their actions, kind of like when a teacher punishes a whole class for two really bad kids, is the state now will hammer down on "domestic terrorists" .  This is understandable to a degree, but the Bill of Rights is about to be shredded even more. Leftists and others will be silenced too.  Those too uneducated to learn how germs and pandemics work, probably lack the insight to think two steps ahead.

The Capitol Storming was the mixture of absurd theater, people who acted like they were on a cosplay lark, filming themselves openly for videos to be played at their future trials, and hard core murderers, criminals and others who killed policemen and planned murders and kidnappings of liberal legislators they hated. The fact the next three successors to the presidency were present is scary too. One man showed up with zipties in a paramilitary outfit, showing his intentions, oddly he brought his Mom with him. The weird guy in facemake up and horns worked as an actor but lived in his Mom's basement. The stereotype of the conspiracy Q addled incel in the basement perhaps applies here. 

I found out my old extremely conservative rural town, had city officials joining Trump's traitor parade, and that one may have even been in the Capitol. The people there said they were going to go report them. Lest anyone here think these are just rare criminal creeps going on Facebook, seeing classmates try to equate looting that happened at BLM protests with a full attempted coup made me want to throw up. The sheer number of people making excuses for all of this was upsetting. I had unfriended or been unfriended by most but could still see some of their posts via other friends.

The Trumpsters posted defenses of the indefensible. While some more educated Republicans like Colin Powell have jumped ship, the MAGA masses are still buying into the myths that range from "antifa did it, to Trump is innocent". Their concerns about censorship as Twitter and other companies have shut down their radical right wing websites like Parler, have a tiny bit of merit, but what do they expect when the focus is on overthrowing the government and 245 years of a representative republic? Even hard core Capitalists know that Civil War II is very bad for business. 

I wrote on one Facebook deconversion group, that I had deep shame for ever being associated with evangelicals at all. Even though I was anti-Dominionist when I was a Christian and wrote against it online, I am beyond creeped out that some things are progressing that I used to warn about.  Chris Hedges warnings about America's rapid descent seem more appropriate than ever.

America COULD go the way that Iran did in the 1980s. People don't realize, a country can be taken over by 30% of the populace, who are extremists. It happened there, with Islamic fundamentalists. Refer to the graphic novel Persepolis. The American Taliban is just like Isis, they want authoritarianism, they want religious rule. When I stared at myself in the mirror, deconverting in that one moment, saying "This religion is about oppression". I was right. Sometimes I feel like I escaped just in time. If I was among these circles during the depth of the Trump era, I don't know how I would have coped.

Bruce Grenenscer has posted about the Capitol Would be Coup  and he is right about the beliefs of the evangelical Christians influencing their horrific politics. 

"That many of these insurrectionists were Evangelical Christians, should not be ignored. It’s clear to me that one mass delusion helped fuel another. These same people believe that Christianity is under attack, there’s a war on Christmas, and secularists and atheists are out to take over “their” country. On prominent display were followers of QAnon; people who are at war with the deep state; people who believe the US government is controlled by baby-eating pedophiles. Throw in a plethora of anti-science beliefs, and the mob that took over the Capitol yesterday is beyond reason. Anyone who has tried to reason with such people knows that they are beyond reason and facts. If people can uncritically believe that a virgin had a baby, a man resurrected from the dead three days after died, and the Bible is the very words of God and every word in it is true, it is not hard for them to embrace irrational (and dangerous) political ideologies. About all else, we have a truth crisis. Tens of millions of Americans have already bought into alternative explanations for what happened on Wednesday, including believing that the insurrection was fueled by ANTIFA masquerading as Trump supporters. I have several family members who have already bought into alternative explanations for what happened. No amount of evidence or facts will change their minds. Jesus is Lord, Donald Trump is God, and Democrats and secularists are Satanic."

We have this segment of the population now, mostly evangelical Christian that does not believe in science, and has spread plague to every corner of American because wearing a mask is too much for them. We have this segment of the population who does not believe in democracy or being able to accept a voted in leader they lost to. We are in very dangerous times now. We are in danger of the USA folding, or being broken up. While yes our government has grown too corrupt and is too bought off by corporations, people don't realize the alternatives when full dictatorship takes over and when there is no more free press, or voting has been wiped away. We can tell who are the kids who slept through Civics class. The Seven Mountain Monsters want control of every segment of life. 

These white men with full armories, flak jackets and AK 47s were allowed to enter our state houses with no backlash, and how things just got worse and worse. If these men were POC, they would have locked everything down and shot them the second they touched the outer most step of the Capitol building. These MAGA seditionists are racist privs who don't want to lose their elevated place in society.  Look all the insurrectionists getting arrested, they all have money and 6 figure jobs. It takes cash to prep and buy an arsenal.

I've been hanging out on a Qanon message board for people who are dealing with those in their families who have turned to Qanon beliefs. I have lost friends who have, so posted about that. I also posted about my time where I got indoctrinated by conspiracy though in my case I never was Q, always hated Trump and the Republican party. One poster wrote this to me. It sums things up and I agree with him:

"I blame religion for this Qanon shit. It's not surprising that folks who were indoctrinated since childhood to accept things like talking snakes, the virgin birth & human sacrifices resurrecting will in turn believe other crazy shit. Religion taught them to accept nonsense. And they have en masse."

I fear political correctness and wanting to handle religion with kid gloves because of all the complicated implications, may have people avoid the fact that the reason America is going into a New Dark Ages. The reason for this is people have adapted Dark Ages beliefs. One thing I explored was the idea that there was so much backlash against Counter-Culture ideas which changed society that people went backwards into total regression.

I wrote this on another message board myself.

"Christianity ITSELF is a conspiracy theory. I never was Republican or a Q, always hated Trump, but I fell into conspiracy while fundie and religion ruined my thinking and made it happen so guess what I am thinking, when I watch these people. I fault Christianity for what is happening in America. Religion IS TIED to this. I remember all the anti-government, and other BS they taught me in the IFB. I was on disability so I secretly voted for Obama, for survival. LOL [Yeah I had Cognitive dissonance up the whazoo" Catholic school taught me not to trust or explore science and to think the last days were coming {I learned about Fatima more than math or evolution} so they prepped me for the fundies."

Critical, rational and sane thinking is being shut down.

I wrote this post in 2017:

Fundamentalist Religion and the Rejection of Science in America

Do you see where things are going?

I hope the USA manages to survive, and there is some addressing the corruption and more. This country is on a very dark path, when such a large segment of the population no longers believes in reality and democracy anymore.