Covid Dissent and Angst

 

I got banned from a local Covid-dissenters group on Facebook for being a would-be "mole" because in a small town I am a known liberal [now ultra-disaffected].  There was never any fight or argument with anyone. This probably has to do with liberal organizations I belong to and my past as a public Trump protester. With the Covid dissenters board, I am on their mailing list but not allowed on their FB group.  I know people have to be careful out there but it rankles me. Am I going to have to pass some "good conservative" test to be allowed in those circles? My reputation as a "bad liberal" which is building has already affected my life too. Some of us do truly fall in the middle of the divisiveness. 

 The other day I had husband drive me by their protest to see if it is something I would want to join. They definitely have prioritized their kids which makes sense too, but I do think there needs to be some speaking out against what is happening with these vaxxes. I don't have a dog in the unmask the kids hunt, though I think the kids should not be forced to wear them anymore. I got a headache the other day wearing a mask for 2 hours while grocery shopping and one knows the kids are physically suffering wearing them for 8. Socially and otherwise they are being adversely affected.

 My husband was worried about me joining in the protest, because they were all unmasked. That's what makes this so confusing, I do believe there is a real virus out there killing "some" people or messing them up. I know people personally who got "long covid" before the vaxxes made anyone ill. So there's a lot of right wing people I don't agree with on that specific point, who feel free to throw the masks away and who have strong hale hearty health who can take risks I can't.  If I was 30 years old and thin, I may still avoid crowds, but would I be this cautious? Probably not. I agree with them there is a point one has to live their life, but I am "vulnerable" in ways that are ultra complicated. 

Some do really believe it is a complete hoax. Some don't.  I think the PCR books were cooked, but do not believe it is a hoax, just that the numbers were increased. Some people did catch something that made them sick and in some cases killed them especially if they were elderly. 

Those claiming to enforce these Covid rules for us vulnerable people, are wrong. I am "vulnerable" and my life has been made more dangerous. They did not make us any more safer. In a world where the economy collapses, I won't be able to get medicine. They have made my life far more dangerous and fragile. The cartoon above sums up what is happening to society, people being split between vaxxed and unvaxxed, totalitarianism is growing, and endless rules and others are harming people. I told a few vaxxed friends that firing people over not taking an experimental vaxx is wrong. 

People lives have been destroyed and their mental health is too and none of these monsters care. My history of PTSD/CPTSD is reeling up beyond belief. Think I can go run to a Covid disciple counselor? Think again. Probably all the independent thinkers have been thrown out of the counseling office for not lining up.  It will be someone else to betray me and tell me to comply or else. They would tell me I have renounced "the science" and not realize I am listening to scientists and doctors who have been silenced.

 I am married, so have him with me all day but what about the people they forced into extreme isolation for two years? You think they are still normal not on the verge of cracking up? What about the fact that due to Biden's mandates, the only people left in corporation jobs, big companies, health care are all going to be conformists? All the independent minded people are going to be removed from society.

  I worry about the masks being a "sign of submission too" but considering I've walked around stores and lived in a crowded apartment building for the last two years, maybe KN95 did help some. I have no way to know.  Unless I am immune from my weird body or having had Covid before without knowing it, who knows?  There was one day in late Feb 2020, I spiked a fever and went to my bed feeling like I was going to die unless I fought it off. I did. Woke up without a fever.  Was it a leg infection or something else? Some of my latest efforts is taking a lot of vit C and zinc, I've read it can help keep Covid at bay, it can't hurt. Oddly the zinc seems to have made me feel a little better. 

  My risks are different then the majority of people. One lesson I've learned in this life is to self-protection. So it's weird, I'm not happy with the Leftists marching us into technocratic hell but I am not comfortable in a way where it's hard to know where I belong.  Many of us have to make our decisions on what information is available to us. So I am in the strange place, of hating the Covid lock-downs, thinking the vaxxes are horrible and against the tyranny but on the other hand still wearing a mask just in case. 

I belong to another FB group that is scary to me. It's the leftist group, that is supposed to be a Covid support group. I joined it in the early days of all this. They really hate the unvaxxed. They cheer for people's jobs to be taken away. They want totalitarianism and a dictatorship. They dismiss and invalidate everyone who has had side effects from the Covid vaxxes. The place really has become vicious. I don't post there anymore but watch it like a car wreck. They would round up all the unvaxxed in a heartbeat. It's easy to see how the Nazis took over now.  They don't care if people are made homeless. They love big corporations, power and crack-downs. These people scare me.

In life, there's some allies but I find myself trying to reach out to people who even though they may have gotten vaxxed, I want to see if they are asking questions. Some are. If one can make their stand and not fall into the trap of division, that's all of the better. I've been honest with some friends, about how I believe but with some, they disagree with me and vice versa but the friendships have continued.

Some of the vaxxed are worried that society didn't open up and that the vaxxes haven't "worked" like they thought and now they seem to be wanting to sign up for the booster installment plan. Others have gotten hit hard from serious medical effects from the vaxxes and don't want to take anymore risks. Some are questioning things politically and economically. Some regret it. I hope some can wake up and start standing up along with the unvaxxed too.  It is wrong for millions of people to lose their jobs for not wanting it. It is wrong. That's a medical dictatorship where they tell you to go starve and you can't feed your kids for refusing to sign up for something that is experimental and can hurt your health. 

I also think once they push the vaxx on kids and little 5 year olds start dying of myocarditis or Multi-system Inflammation syndrome, that this will be a wake up call especially since most of these kids were in no danger from Covid in the first place. Any society that sacrifices the young for the old has lost it's moorings long ago. This is a point that sickens me, the ruined lives to come, and it is something I wish I could do more about.  I was unable to wake up any parents I know. 

However there's still the people who do see the "unvaxxed" as the great unwashed. These are the people who are ready to shun me upon the most mild of statements.   They are avid about these beliefs. They shut you down over the most mild statements. Tell them about Fauci's support of horrific animal experiments and malfeasance with AIDS, they won't listen. They shut you out. There once you know there will be no engagement, it's better to walk away, but it's scary to see people take these hard-nosed positions.

They are afraid, and angry and want to see people like me thrown in the Fema camps. Trust me they don't care about someone who has a massive history of pericarditis/arteritist in the family who already had signs of vasculitis before with multiple autoimmune disorders. They want you to shut up and line up. They believe Fauci, they support the masking and lock downs. It's hard. These people support evil. Some are truly ignorant, some are afraid, some don't have the same information available to them, some believe mainstream news sources and don't explore any further. Others don't know any better but some have chosen willful ignorance. Some have had lives where it makes sense why they trust in the system but this doesn't mean it will save them from betrayal too. 

 I noticed even as I wrote about the nearly empty Dollar Tree on my Facebook, no one seemed to care. It hurt my heart inside to have even long time trusted and loved friends tell me they supported all this evil that was destroying everyone's life. One told me she even supported people losing their jobs and I was in shock. With one, my long time respect for her, made me too weary to argue, there's times I just can't argue with everyone. I've lost so many friends, and have had some distance themselves from me. She supported all of this. It made me very sad.

One woman I am acquaintances with and came to visit me bringing me some flowers from her garden, grilled me about the vaxx and Aspie me faltered and said too much and she figured out I had refused it. She was not happy with me and said the unvaxxed are spreading it. I thought that was crazy because all the studies say, the vaxxed can carry it too. This is why I remark on the poor quality of the vaxxes all the time. It was better not to get into it with her.  While I am outspoken on line, in real life I have to be careful though I do post a few memes and articles on my Facebook wall. She was angry at me and even though I was wearing a KN95, she shrank away from me, like I was "diseased". That brought up weird emotions in me as she jumped back in horror. She then told me she had errands to run.  There's been too many hurtful conversations like that.  We belong to the same organization but I doubt she will ever talk to me again. Light shunning has already begun for me. Due to my history, being rejected like this is not easy. 

That said, if people reject me over this, so be it. It scares me how they have bought into all this and don't even see the outside effects of all the totalitarianism building. The vaxxes have already "failed". Society is not opening up and they have been put on an assembly line of constant shots every 6-8 months and remember the roulette wheel of even the short term side effects is always there.  There's scary things happening too.

In my own community I wrote about the Dollar Tree being almost empty but I've heard through the grapevine our local hospital is filling up with people who have severe even rare "never seen before" illnesses from the shots. Another thing I am noticing is endless people on Facebook who I know were vaxxed all getting extreme colds and other illnesses over and over. These colds don't seem like normal colds. Their immune systems don't seem to be working correctly. These are younger formerly healthy people too. Some of these people are avid maskers, so I asked how in the world are they getting so sick? I think ADE is already rolling which fills me with horrors and worries. There's many friends I care about who got the vaxx.

Sometimes I do wake up depressed because none of this seems to be ending....I wake up too often at 4 am and 5am staring in the bathroom mirror, asking what has become of my life. My depression is knocking back on the door. I like my apartment but there's times I want to sell everything off and start over somewhere new.  I want to move to a more working class and poor area where there are less Covid disciples, but husband is afraid of us losing medical resources here. Moving costs money we don't have. There's a feeling of being somewhere I just don't belong. I should have never left my old rural town. My old rural town has stood against the Covid nonsense except for the few liberals there. 

I've had a hard life by any measure, and having this happen in my old age is not easy. That's the thing that worries me none of it seems like it will end. What's the end run here? I don't want more people to become enemies with me. I made my own mistakes doing the Trump protesting losing too many friends then, to have more bad will created with people. 

My worry is the end will be when people really get sick from these vaxxes, and then suddenly maybe they will then have a "treatment" but then so much damage and loss will ensure, that those of us who are left may lose our minds alone watching everyone around us die and get sick. My own health is very poor, and this has felt like too much. I haven't posted on this recently but I've entered a health decline, that is scary. I was bordering lupus for a time. The rheumatologist says I am still stable, and wants me on Planequil, but I've refused over the dangers to vision and what it did to my father's eyes.  The rheumatologist understands because of my immense hearing loss, but that means living with pain and fatigue. My father told me never to go on it if I could help it. 

My deafness has increased to the point I am completely dependent on using a transcribe phone to understand people even if I am wearing my hearing aids. My chronic fatigue is very bad. My kidneys are in some type of stage of failure which needs clarified. I asked doctors about putting me in a clinic or hospital to take 100lbs off and some of my food intake has dropped due to fatigue, but all I have done is kept the weight stable. They just tell me it's not possible, keep up treatments at home, watch your portions, keep active etc.  I am aging rapidly, and being one of those people who always looked far more young then they were, it's come as a shock. 

 I know so many people who have gotten sick from the vaxxes. And now they want people to line up for booster after booster too where there will be a new roulette wheel to be spun of myocarditis, allergic reactions and other serious side effects. This nightmare seems to have no end, and the lies of the elite and their evil is bottomless.

Covid made some sick too but my fears are even greater there too. Our leaders are not to be trusted. I have walked on eggshells with just about everyone except a few friends who agree. I don't feel safe around people in general and this is not just Covid making me feel unsafe, but knowing what these people support is horrifying. Our leaders don't care about health. They want to vaxx the whole planet but they didn't care about millions facing starvation. It's all based on lies. Many of them support everyone who refuses the vaxx at having their medical care taken away. They support the firing of multitudes who have seen the results of the shots first hand who don't want to get it. So even if the health care system AND Economy collapse, they simply don't care. What's going to happen to all the jobless people? They won't be able pay their rent or mortgages or be able to feed their families.

 They want everyone to throw themselves on the Covid cult pyre and light a match to their immune system, small business and lives. How close am I to people I can't talk to? Are we really friends? Did I waste years of my life being in organizations or people who would betray everything I stand for? 

 I wonder about my future in my UU church, I spoke out and did the anti-technology speech. I felt scared you know, but felt led to do it. I did catch glimpses of angry faces in my audience via Zoom. Three allies came forth later and told me they liked it, but I knew it meant something when no one showed up to the circle talk later.  My UU is very pro-vaxx and supports all this. What am I to think? I told the pastor I do not support what is happening. I made it clear why. He is a fair minded man that allowed me a platform so that helps a lot. So far I am sticking it out with them hoping this nightmare will end, but it's not comfortable. 

Religiously I am in a strange place, it's confusing. It is so bad that on a deconversion board I am part of, some people told me I seem "insecure in my disbelief". I don't blame them at all and told them so.  All this has changed me. My religious beliefs are complicated now even to me. It means something to me too, that the things I used to warn about on conspiracy and bible prophecy boards seem to be happening. Revelation 13 especially stands out as they outlaw people buying groceries and more in Europe. I studied the Bible intensely for years. I even used to write about complex topics that included Bill Gates, depopulation, the United Nations, Agenda 21 and more. I wrote about the USA economy being collapsed by the elites. I wrote that the the powers that be planned to strip down modern life and change things massively by 2030. Well I guess you see where I am going with all this....

That said, I don't want to return back to the evangelical and fundamentalist worlds, those worlds that spiritually abused me, told me I was never good enough, and was nothing but a long litany of rules that supported authoritarianism.  They are just controlled by the elite as any liberals. My angry feelings about how they helped to readily spread the virus to kingdom come, are still there.

I never was a good fit there either. Even when I was full fundamentalist, I was anti-war, and anti-Dominionist. I didn't and still don't support the oppressive politics. I still can't return to the vision of a cruel God. I still question hell. I see "people of light" in various places which definitely kind of ruins me permanently for the fundamentalists.  They aren't too keen on someone who seeks truths in Native American or the Sikh religion. I still don't believe in blood sacrifices, while I honor the good teachings of Jesus. I am still a Universalist, so hopefully the UU won't feel inclined to force me out for being a "bad liberal". I wish more of them saw through this garbage beyond a few. It has been very disheartening to me. 

Politically I wasted my time and years. I saw a pile of protest posters the other day from when I used to protest Trump and mourned the time and effort that was wasted. The DNC has betrayed us beyond Trump doing this to our lives. I have lost two years I couldn't afford to lose. I had time with husband which was good, but the time lost and now people lost is unforgiveable.  Biden is worse than Trump. What grinds me down, is knowing my intuition told me not to vote for that man, but I still did. It was a lesson not to listen to the crowd. My belief in politics at all has been shaken to the core. I hate the DNC. I don't see these people as real "liberals" who support this evil. I get some are scared, less informed, and have lost people to Covid affecting their outlooks but when people support evil, and tyranny, it's disturbing.

One thing about all this is the overlaps with ACON stuff. The malignant narcissists and sociopaths are dividing people while issuing commands that make no sense. Narcissists don't care about logic. Their followers don't either. This is why they can make a vaxx that doesn't even work or stop the spread or even offer safety and make it acceptable to the masses who demand mandates of people when the vaxx doesn't even do the job they claim it does. This is classic narcissistic double-binds and bullshit making. Narcissists also claim authority they really don't have. They claim they have the facts and everyone else is liars. They hid the facts, lie and play cover up. This is now happening on a national scale. There is no way that any medicine, treatment or vaxx that had this many adverse effects would have been allowed prior to all this. That is the most disturbing thing about this most of all.