Tuesday, July 13, 2021

It's Too Much.......

 


This is the story of my life lately; outside of husband and a few friends online.  I have to live life, and try to get by the best I can, but it's scary when you have to be cautious of so much that is in your brain that you cannot share with others. The book 1984 warned us of these times to come and they are here now.  Some may talk of being "authentic" but then they are people who "fit in" and "have a place". Their opinions will not bring them censure and abuse. 

I have a date in mind of just rejoining life and no longer caring about Covid. The isolation is harming me. Maybe I am a lucky asymptomatic, sometimes think I am because I've gone in multitudes of stores and masks don't do THAT much, though I believe they help.  It seems I'd be long ago dead according to the rhetoric out there being too tired to wash delivery boxes and needing time outside. There was one day in February of 2020, I felt like I was going to die that day with a fever and went to bed to "fight off" whatever it was and succeeded. Now, maybe it was a leg infection to come or a UCTD flare or maybe it was Covid and I am immune.

I've told a few about the v and that I can't sign up for medical reasons which is true, but there's so much in my brain, I can't share with people. It does get lonely. I didn't fit in fundamentalist Christian circles, and that was painful, after all the spiritual abuse and more. Leaving was necessary. Going back in that cage just sounds like hell to me. I need a nicer God not one that threatens me with hell and endless disasters. The cognitive dissonance was too extreme. 

Whatever my religious standing is right now, God/Source has told me not to partake of the v. My spiritual beliefs even along David Quinn's highway [read the book Ishmael] tell me not to submit to the "dominators" and "controllers" who want to turn human beings into chattel and build a technocracy and digital prison. Even with my beliefs about Jesus and others who came to give spiritual teachings to humanity, succumbing to the forces of darkness is not on my game plan. It's not my job to figure things out for others, but these are my beliefs. I know there are people who are going to have it forced on them. I've seen kids posting on line saying that pretty much. I hope people who took the early vs, maybe question the boosters to come and the constant carousel and jump off of it. 

What am I to think now, that in the "liberal" circles I built up in my community that, I am curled up like a ball inside? This means sticking to safe topics and happy things, and well it's good to talk about gardening and art but I am too scared to share anything too deep. They believe in the system and their lives have gone in ways where the system was never their enemy or tried to harm them, though I believe that may change now with the v side effects and growing totalitarianism.  

I have to accept I can't control everything and have to find some happiness again. There's too much weirdness out there, I know society is being gaslighted to the max. No one sees what I do except 4 friends in the entire world, and none of them live anywhere near me.

 I always wondered about the guy who thought Hitler was an asshole, while all his friends ran out doing Seig Heils and ironing their new brown uniforms, yeah that's my life today, alone among those who believe in all this. Who think Big Pharm is their friends, and that the powerful have only our best interests in mind. The place I live here is akin to Bavaria of the 1930s. Hitler used fear then too, of the Communists, of the economic pressures to bring in his "false answers". People are afraid now, they don't want to die of Covid. The human fear response is one they can mess with to the max. No one wants to die.

I tried to talk things out, and kept it subtle and away from "in your face" tactics, but that was too much. here are some of the responses I got back, reworded...and paraphrased. I know now this is "pearls before you know what" land. It's the same as trying to convince my family to be nice people, wasted effort......

I wrote:

"I plan to try and get a life back again, though it seems they did everything they could to ruin it. They want us living like the book 1984."

a response I got:
 ·
"I don't believe that anyone is trying to ruin our lives."

Another friend on Facebook wrote that her college made the covid vs optional and wrote that she was disgusted that her higher ed institution is appeasing the stupids of the community.  She doesn't know my stance on things. Obviously she would consider me one of the "stupids".

Here are some others:

"OMG, you are all brain washed and a bunch of conspiracy theorists"

A few friends call for more lock downs. [How come two years isn't long enough?]




Some openly call for discrimination against the un-v-ed...."I don't want a nurse without it, I don't want a cleaner with out it. You better have your v, if you are going to come clean my house"....etc.

 Two groups have banned the un-v-ed. Two others require us to wear masks, which I have no problem doing, and would have probably done anyway but imagine being in a room full of happy talking people sharing meals with each other, while you are banished in the back with a mask unable to eat with them or be seen. How long will that last? At least one group is allowing hybrid Zoom for now. The separation is here.

Then there are the social things that crop up. I take a ride with a friend to one group, I told him I am unvaxxed to be fair to him. I didn't want the anger if he found out I wasn't and a mutual acquaintance knows. He asked me to wear a mask, and I will, but that feels weird too. How long will I be required to "mask up"? I have a month to decide whether to go or not, but already feel weird about it. I am not even sure if I am ready to be in groups of people yet, and have my own fears to conquer. 

I have already been called a "conspiracy theorist"--well the conspiracies are true, and called an "anti-vaxxer"--they don't care if you took all the traditional vs or not. You know that's the irony here, if these were traditional vaccines, that were safe, tested, and not based on extreme tech, interfering with cells, I would have considered it. Also there's that matter they don't work well at all. Why should the un-v-ed be feared by those who took it? In the old days, vs actually WORKED, and immunized people. 

This feels like autistic masking on steroids, hide your opinions to stay safe and so people don't hate you. Hmm been down that road before. I got in trouble often even in my old Christian circles asking too many questions, and to have it happen in what I thought in my new circles, is painful. Don't tell me to go a "red" state to be around other un-v-ed people. It would bring it's own troubles and misery, and obviously given my background in the Christian fundamentalist world, I was already "there".  It hasn't escaped my attention, it's the poors who trust the system far less than the middle class and upper class and above types running to get their shots. I suppose if you haven't been on the punishment end of the system, you see it as far more benevolent and not out to hurt you. Why should the so called "deplorables" trust the elite, who never valued their lives in the first place?

I wish I could tell one group, this Covid stuff is crap and I am not interested in technocratic slavery and while I am willing to wear a mask due to my bad lungs anyway, being told I have to for being an "unclean" un-"v"ed person person and thusly being singled out, that is affecting me negatively. The first day I show up everyone would know I did not take the poison. I feel in "danger" just having four-five know.  They are nice people and mean well, but wish I could wake them all up to what's going on.



And now Biden wants to send people to un-v-ed people's doors, to make the lists for the round ups for the Fema camps? Remember no medical exemptions allowed, my family has a massive history of severe autoimmune disease including pericarditis [myocarditis], polyarteritis nodosa, and Kawaski disease. I have had massive signs of vasculitis  too, and have rare autoimmune diseases people have never even heard of--Dermatomyositis but I'm supposed to follow no questions asked and now I have to put up with people pounding on my door to put on the pressure? By the way 4 of these diseases were listed on the FDA list of side effects from the Covid vs.

 Maybe now they will use bribery and lottos--my own state is running a V Lotto but then will come coercion and force. I've read enough history to know how this goes. 

Don't think a fake v card will save you either, it's illegal punishable by law, and the states have data-bases.

For my readers here, who know my history ask yourself how this is affecting a person with my life history, and ponder that one a bit. Some may say just suck it up and conform, but oh, you all don't realize what is formed in the crucible of what I came out of.  You either die or you survive and if you survive, you are not like other people prone to the pressures of "peer pressure". I know from my life history that no one will pick up the pieces either if it goes "wrong". One more medical problem could send me to life in a nursing home. I barely am making it now, and in bed today from pain and swelling.

and speaking of danger....... those of us on the "outskirts", are openly speaking of these being "dangerous" times among each other. Some people are hiding it all to get by, hoping they will remain unfound. I understand. Telling 4-5 I told too many. If I had decent health and could have taken the risk to just live life without the masks, things would have been easier for me. Now I am getting nosy comments FOR WEARING THE MASK.

I know even speaking out against this bs here, and on twitter under a fake name, has risk to it.  Some may say speak out in your life, but my life is already very isolated outside of my husband, I can't make enemies with everyone. Some of the people who believe in all this, I care about them and they have been kind to me, and don't want to change that. There's a point where I said to myself, you have your choices to make, and they have theirs, and just antagonizing people will leave you even more isolated and screwed up. I have lost so many friends over politics, over religion, over so much, that I am tired. While I talk about my opinions here, and wish there were people in my life outside of my husband and online friends I could really talk to, it's not my reality for whatever reason.

It's a very lonely place to be. I do ask myself what is wrong with me, that I ended up in a life where there's so few people in it, that I can have a honest conversation with. That worries me a lot too. I have my husband, but they are unloading the constant peer pressure too. We can't even walk down the street, I still wear the mask because of my bad lungs, without having someone ask didn't you get your v yet? 

I still don't get why people don't see something wrong with all of this?




20 comments:

  1. First, there is nothing wrong with you. There are just a lot of Narcissistic people out there. Maybe it is bible prophecy, " people will be lovers of self", or maybe it's always been this way. But try to find a way to be kind to yourself when your blaming yourself. I wish I could think of something a great therapist said to me about how to not blame yourself, but I didn't get any sleep last night so I cannot think of it right now. This all is not your fault, and your Narc family is not your fault. Lots of people are just selfish and conformist. It's just the way people are hardwired I guess.
    Hang in there - Sue

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    1. Thanks Sue. I agree. These feelings would be natural in this mess. I do think there is a lot of narcissism out there. Yeah maybe it's always been this way, read some guy online that thinks humanity screwed itself up this way before, and the circle respirals. They start playing with DNA and destroy themselves, may be worse then the playing with fire nuclear war, maybe the Fermi Paradox is true, the Star Trek dream is false, there's built in limits. Yeah I shouldn't blame myself when bad things happen, I know that's an inheritance from the narc family, like I control all this stuff, I don't! Thank you for your reminders. yeah too much selfishness and conformity is hard. I am trying to be nice to who I can be, but you know being put in this position for having certain opinions is not easy! Thanks for your support.

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  2. Have you ever tried some Buddhist "radical acceptance" exercises.
    Or the "lions roar". Sometimes they can be helpful. It's not a fix but it could take the edge off any feelings about the way things are.
    Be Well - Sue

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    1. Actually I practice that in daily life. Combo of stoicism and Buddhist acceptance. I complain here, but just get on with it. I know when I rejoin society, I can't remain caged up forever....I have a date in mind I will have to practice "acceptance" to overcome any fear. I will look into the "Lion's Roar" too.

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  3. Hi Peep,

    I am not sure if you mentioned this on this blog - I might have missed it - but I'm going to ask you for clarity's sake.

    As far as I know, the existence of individuals who for medical reasons cannot be vaccinated is not lost on the medical profession. In general, an exemption is granted by a doctor in such cases. I am not American nor have I ever lived in the US, but just by googling "usa medical exemption covid vaccination" or something similar, I see various instances where these are accepted. E.g.:

    https://www.steu.edu/documents/20182/70189/COVID-19-vaccine-medical-and-religious-exemption-form.pdf

    https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/imz-managers/coverage/schoolvaxview/requirements/exemption.html

    and more.

    So, when you say that you personally cannot be vaccinated against Covid - what is that assertion based on? Did you talk to your doctor(s) about it, were there any examinations or assessments made...? How was the final decision reached?

    Second, when you say "no medical exemptions are allowed", what exactly does that mean? Do doctors not recognize medical contraindications? Or they do, but they are not allowed to grant exemptions? Or something else?

    Thanks,
    Nenad

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    1. They are pushing these vaccines on EVERYONE here. It is hard to explain. They are giving them to everyone even with severe medical problems like stage 4 cancer. I have discussed it with a doctor, the risks are far higher and he acknowledged those in the discussion. I am dealing with "new" kidney problems and have major troubles with anemia and too small of red blood cells too.

      I wouldn't want them even if I was perfectly healthy and all those reasons are detailed in these articles.

      They are firing people from jobs insisting on these vs, and ignoring their medical troubles/religious exemptions and other concerns. It's like the world has gone insane. The doctors are under pressure to v as many people as possible, the disabled are getting swept aside, no one is discussing things. I noticed in Europe for a time, those with a history of anaphylaxis [me] were warned against the shots, but then that disappeared and that never happened in America. I believe the ADA is essentially dead in America.

      There are doctors and scientists warning against the Covid vs, and they are out there. They are being silenced and censored and watching that is very scary. Peter McCoullough is one. I have read their articles. The censoring and silencing of Robert W. Malone, is very troubling, he is in the inventor of mRNA and warning that it is being used too hastily and with multiple dangers.

      Many doctors and medical professionals have had the shots forced on them to keep their jobs. One hospital in Texas fired all these people who filed a lawsuit, against being forced to take the vs. They don't end transmission or give any real immunity. I think about how of they were like traditional vs, none of this would be a worry.

      In courts people are losing here when trying to save their jobs, and more. People are losing their rights. France has made the v mandatory.

      I question a world where there's no where to run, and that's a world without any freedom and human rights, and what they have done to countries now like Haiti, etc, is even worse.

      All making this highly suspect on multiple levels. Look at my life and the level of medical trauma. And now they want to add more to it, with their Frankenstein shots. I won't be a part of the experiment and yes I understand the risks. I know more people who have gotten sick from the v then I do Covid. I don't even know one person with Covid right now. The last person was someone out of state I knew through someone online and even that was two months ago.

      My past with narcissists and sociopaths, tells me the gaslighting, lies and more are out of control. There's nothing reasonable about any of this.

      Regarding France, seen on a message board:

      "I live in France and things are getting out of control here. The President just announced that you had to be vaccinated to go to restaurants, bars, to get on a plane or a train. You want to go to the gym ? You want to go to the movies ? Double vax required."

      ADA is dead in the water. We have no rights and people are giving them up all over. I refuse to comply with any of this.

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    2. Here is another doctor they silenced:

      "Same thing happened to Dr. Charles Hoffe. Most of his patients are First Nations and he’s seeing injuries caused by the Moderna “vaccine”. He spoke out and they punished him.

      Of course, the eugenics-obsessed racketeers chose to experiment on First Nations people and elderly first.

      “So what I’m telling people about is not some theory, this is what I have seen in my own patients. I’ve been a doctor to these patients for 28 years and now three of them are disabled by this first (Moderna) vaccine. And it upsets me very much because these people did not know that they were part of an experiment.” 6:30-6:48

      “It grieved me greatly, that this is an experiment, and it grieved me that the first people that the government chose to sort of experiment on was the elderly and the First Nations people. Now I know that there were health care providers involved in that as well, and I was offered this vaccine and I said, ‘no thank you. I would like to be part of the unvaccinated control group for this experiment’. But it grieved me that all of the patients that I have that now have longterm, ongoing neurological side effects, are all First Nations people. Because they were the people who got it first and the rest of us are just getting it now.” 19:45-20:29"

      https://hive.blog/hive-110786/@drutter/sjbdolck

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  4. 185 million americans have been vaccinated. The only people that are passing away from Covid right now are the unvaccinated. You have every risk factor in the book aside from smoking. For the love of all that’s holy , get yourself vaccinated and stop reading crap on the internet.

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    1. It sounds like you believe the mainstream media. I fear for all those people who have been vaccinated. I know more people who got sick from the v. Someone I know had more seizures this week. Why would you tell someone even on just the sheer science medical risk level, with a family history of severe pericarditis, arteritis and who has multiple autoimmune disorders [one is affecting my blood cells and has shown signs of vasculitis [related to my UCTD] to sign up for an experimental shot? So as my kidney are being affected by my UTCD, and possibly going into lupus, I'm supposed to do a medical experiment on myself? I have noticed hell with these vs has come especially for those with autoimmune diseases. Come back in three years and tell me how things are and how you are doing.

      At least if I die of Covid, [whatever real virus that is out there] it won't be by choice or lining up to be part of this monsterous enterprise.

      I am planning a new Covid link list, I have multiple links to show people who got the vaxx are getting Covid, like it doesn't even work. Spiritually I can't do it too. I didn't read "crap" on the internet, I read medical studies with advanced searches and listening now to doctors warning of things like Dr. Hoff and Robert W. Malone.

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  5. https://vocal.media/longevity/covid-19-vaccines-may-be-the-biggest-uh-oh-in-history

    "Unfortunately for humanity, researchers were in such a hurry to produce a vaccine for this disease (it was sequenced in 2 days), that they used the Spike protein as the foreign body to induce an immune response. Perhaps they didn't realize the spike protein was the problem because they didn't let enough time pass before rushing out SOMETHING.

    This is unfortunate because we NOW KNOW that the spike protein is actually the thing that is causing all of these problems in patients with COVID-19. The spike protein itself is resulting in mechanical issues within the body that leads to blood clots, low platelet counts, high D-Dimer concentration, and wide-ranging symptoms from brain issues to heart issues.

    Doctors began seeing these problems early on and began theorizing that the spike protein itself, NOT just the virus, was at issue and begged the health agencies to reevaluate the safety of COVID-19 vaccines, but it did them no good.

    Whether intentional, or due to knee-jerk reaction and lack of thought and understanding, it is becoming clearer and clearer that the vaccine is essentially injecting you with mRNA that produces the very spike protein that is the culprit in all the worst symptoms of COVID. It doesn't matter that the spike protein produced in your body isn't attached to a virus, because it is the reason COVID has been so devastating.
    "

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  6. Here Here to the above Peeps! And such sweet "concern" from the "anonymous" commenter above. Her overall tone, judgement, offensive and dismissive language give her completely away though- why would a "concerned mother" want to give her daughter, in ill health most of her life, such "crap" advise? I can think of a few reasons, and none of them holy!
    I can see why you tired of it Peeps. And just as an aside, I'm guessing she believes all the "crap" she's heard, being that she is 95% protected from getting covid since she apparently took the jab. She needn't have gone any further than Pfizer's own data on how they arrived at that figure to see that that is the "rrr" or "Relative Risk Reduction," not the (Absolute Risk Reduction) which is 9% (nine percent) according to their stats.
    I guess you just can't help some people Peeps, or better said, "sheeple".
    And no comment on the beautiful painting Mom? What's up with that?
    Chelle

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    1. Hi Chelle thanks...Yeah I just want people to listen, I mean look at my health factors too. I also don't want bad things to happen to other people. Yeah I read about the ARR, and it's so low, why bother to take the risk? I have far more risk from other health problems. I try not to argue with the people out there, with this the propaganda and rest is so strong. I've said to a few hasn't two years been long enough?

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  7. https://www.scribd.com/document/516493624/Motion-for-Preliminary-Injunction-File-Stamped

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    1. https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2021.05.03.21256520v1

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  8. Hi Peeps,
    I looked up the above links, thank you for that info. BW is Bret Weinstein, please see the very important interview of him on Tucker Carlson Today-July 9, 2021. You won't be dissappointed. Also, things are pretty nuts in Australia right now, with lockdowns of millions in the face of 127 cases. There is a tv journalist there named Alan Jones exposing the lunacy of what the leaders are saying and recommending to the public there. The health minister literally went on a big rant about how if you run into a friend anywhere, say coming in or out a store, to not engage in conversation, even if you are wearing a mask, that you may not be sufficiently protected. You must see this youtube "Gladys Berejlklian must 'move over and move on', by Alan Jones. He takes clips of them saying insane things and then comments on them. I laughed out loud at the sheer lunacy a few times, something I haven't done in a while to be sure, which would be funny had it not been so alarming. Sure you must be seeing the massive protest in France too?
    Hope you are as well as you can be under the circumstances. I never thought I would see this day.
    Chelle

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    1. Wow they could contract trace 127 or quarantine them but for some reason refusing, that's sad. Yeah it's all crazy, I don't like it either. So you were told there not to even talk to friends. Sigh...even with the mask. They don't want the plebes talking at all. So separated from others, so few one on one conversations, hey govt can have full control them. I will check out Alan Jones, glad someone is making fun of this. I am rooting for the French--- posted on my Twitter to some of their protests. Yeah this is getting nuts and going on far too long.

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  9. Hi Peeps,
    On a more fun note, have you watched the girls (sisters) in Laos cooking outdoors on "yummy cooking"? They make their own fires, chop on makeshift log tables, rinse food from outside spickets amongst the chickens and natural surroundings. We love it, such a welcome change from internet overload from all the "unnatural" things to be seen as well. We loved Anothony Bourdain too, saw his No Reservations series. Was so sad to hear he was that unhappy inside somehow, since he had always been such a highlight for us. He loved Thailand, as you know, so he would definately have loved this too.
    Also equally as cool, is this primitive architect, who digs his own underground palaces out of the earth with a stick. They always include a swimming pool too, and while primitive, they are sophisticated. It's really fun to watch, I think you might like it a lot. Check out my favorite, "This Summer's Living and Building Underground Temple Tunnel House with Swimming Pools", if you have the chance.
    Chelle

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    1. Hey I will check those out, I do watch food factory, and Grandpa's Kitchen from India. I taught myself to make chicken biriyani as a result of one of those videos, SHAN spices, rice, veggies, tomatoes, eggs and some chicken thighs. Mark Weins and Simply Dumpling are good cooking/travel channels too. I love Anthony Bourdain, though he wasn't too nice to fat people, wrote a blog about that, he could eat a lot and not get fat...LOL I have read his books. I think I saw the primitive guy on Youtube but can't remember the name of the videos. I watch a lot of different videos on Youtube. It can be a major time sucker. LOL I watch ASMR a lot too, to relax. I can "hear" enough for it with it on full blast, my computer sound is always at 100. LOL have to use special good headphones though, some channels the sound is not good enough to hear anything for me. Oh I like the videos where people show their sketchbooks, CalArts is a big one for me. They seem to draw a lot from life, I wish I had more to draw like that. I watch stamp videos, Duggar gossip, etc.

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  10. Keep your head up peepsis, I remember your post about "having fear of them robbing another couple of decades of our life" altough I have been shadowbanned from reddit and had all my materials purged twice, I still read, However I will probably not set foot in that shithole any longer, the path of righteousness and partisanship is never rewarding. Keep working on yourself and find small local goals,don't be naive, but restrict your intake of negative information as it will only drag you into a negative cycle, I saw your post and felt it was a cry for help,Bless you and your husband both. Best wishes, your friend and partisan.W777

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  11. Thanks Uncle Walrus, That sucks you got shadowbanned from Reddit. Well about 40 percent of Reddit is fake anyhow. I got banned from a lot of boards. Hate that your materials got purged. Yeah I have to be careful with the negative information relate to that. I think more and more I just can't do anything about it, I will still speak out but it's time to separate myself more. I don't watch any news anymore not even CSPAN, it's just propaganda and brainwashing. I did spend some time working on an art project today. Thanks, take care yourself too. I have to limit my stress definitely for sake of my health.

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