Thursday, September 25, 2014

Aunt Confused

                                                                                     [snippet from photo of Jon Lewenstein]                                    

 This is the same Aunt as Aunt "No Pictures for You!" I have named her Aunt Confused because I believe she was another scapegoat, but one who has remained within the fog life long with incredible damage done. She is another person my mother destroyed my relationship with. Yes, there are parallels with my story of Aunt Scapegoat!

I grew up with a woman that whispered in my ear while at a family meal at Denny's and told me,

"The mafia's coming after me"

as she popped multiple blue pills into her mouth.

She would get drunk and high and one could tell. Is this something a 9 year old should have dealt with?

I dealt with that and other crazy stuff as a child, the two times she lived with us.

This was my father's sister. She was the product of the 1950s, New Jersey culture, and of an alcoholic father, enabling mother, and narcissistic brother who became my father who was around 5 years younger. She had and has serious problems from earlier drug addiction to possible multiple personality disorder. What can I tell you but to say at times it seemed she "switched"? There definitely is some kind of personality disorder in the mix there. I have never been diagnosed with one in case anyone is interested, and have seen enough therapists in my life time.

At this point you may be asking, "How could fivehundredpoundpeep have such disturbed aunts on both sides of her family?" How can someone's family be this crazy on both sides?" But it was. Recently I watched a video forget where, where the presenter said, that narcissists will seek out other narcissists. Water will find it's own level. "Romance" and connection blossomed between two dark souls that slithered out of dark families.

Narcissists do drive people to insanity. There is a special sort of soul murder at the hands of sociopaths and narcissists. I am not sure sometimes how I myself even survived. Sometimes I think Aspergers gave me some distance with an analytical mind surveying the insanity from above, knowing the people I was surrounded by were not normal. Spiritually I sought out God to rescue me from insanity too.

If you are in a family full of cold and cruel individuals, you will also have the ones you see who have cracked up. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger they say but many people are destroyed in family systems like these. You see the human emotional casualties strew around like chopped and tossed firewood. Aunt Scapegoat and Aunt Confused are definitely among their number.

 There had to be incredible abuse back there somewhere for her. When talking to her even in recent months and years, she would seem lucid and then would segue her way into talking about how the mafia was after her, or she was being watched or how all her neighbors were her enemies and trying to steal her husband. Her third husband is now deceased and she lives with her daughter, but the odd talk still would pop up from time to time.

I was doing some family research, and founds this old gossipy neighborhood newspaper that covered
my father's neighborhood. They actually reported on his birthday party at the age of 7. It looks like big money was poured out on this festival especially for the late 1940s and for a lower middle class factory worker who had been disinherited and cut off from his own father who was a multi-millionaire.

  Is it possible to be spoiled into being a narcissist? Was she the scapegoat compared to my academically achieving in math and science father? It makes me wonder. My father was an obvious golden boy, he would go on to earn a full ride 4 year scholarship to a well-known Ivy League university. He would go on to marry a golden daughter who outshined her four living siblings from the farm.

 One thing as I look back at the past, my father put his sister down constantly. He had no respect for her and no love.  I grew up being told Aunt Confused was trash, was "crazy", and even at one point my own father told me, "She's a sociopath!" as he told me she would hide beneath his bed to scare him as a kid. Perhaps that was a dose of projection?

One creepy thing, is both of my parents would express outrage that she dared to leave her abusive husband and leave her children behind. When I became an adult and learned about domestic violence and volunteered at a shelter in my 20s, this lack of mercy over a woman getting beaten by her husband  totally disgusted me. I don't understand why she left her kids behind perhaps it was her lack of money, but grew up being told she was the devil incarnate by both parents!

 She and her husband lived at home with her parents, my father's parents and grandparents. She married young and had two children. Her husband was a factory worker she married right out of high school. He worked at the same factory as my grandfather. He was an alcoholic and beat her to the point of punching and black eyes. What gets me is thinking how could an abusive husband go full froth with her parents there? But he did. Things were so bad for her that she disappeared, leaving her two children home with her grandparents and husband she was fleeing from. My early memories of the grandparents on that side are very vague. [When I was very young, my parents had me and my brother live there too for some months when my sister got sick]

She would disappear. Literally off the map for several years. She paid one visit to my family and then went poof! My father was angry about this too, but when we moved out of state, she reconnected with him to her own detriment. During this time she hitchhiked the roads being homeless.  I suspect did what she had to do to survive. Why didn't her parents help her throw out the abusive husband? That question comes to my mind. But anyhow she disappeared, got divorced from afar and got rides with truckers. She found a nice one to rescue her. She would marry an African-American trucker [her second husband] who had a side line business as a pig farmer his relatives helped with while he was out driving truck. They lived in the wilds of the state my family just moved into. It was a very small town and extremely remote, poor and rural. I never met her husband but sadly he died. She reached out to my father out of desperation being left penniless with his grown kids inheriting just about everything. My father loaded up us kids into the family sedan and my mother too, and we drove up there.

As we drove up to the trailer on a muddy road, my parents argued. My mother expressed her disgust, with the rural area, it's poverty and everything else. There was outrage over her choice of husband as well with mean-spirited racial overtones.  We would drive up to her trailer and knock on the door. I was around 13 years old. I remember her looking shell-shocked, but she gave a wary smile and wave and "Hiya!". I had not seen her for a few years. The trailer was in horrible shape and had become a hoard, with piles of trash piled up. Bottles, piles of dirt,  rags and newspapers laid scattered all over the floor.  Obviously her grief and new loneliness had pushed her over a new edge. I walked gingerly in behind my father and my mother was there too.  My parents yelled at her, "What in the hell happened here?". She didn't respond.

She then laughed and said, "I made youse lunch!, it's in the oven!" My father handed me a oven mitt, and said "Go see what roadkill she made for us!", I went over to the oven, and opened it, and in it was a ROTTEN PIG'S HEAD! It had been cooked, but was at least 3-4 days old and left unattended. It's eyes bugged out, it's ears flopped. Flies poured out of the oven. "It's still good!" my aunt cried. I literally swooned across the table and almost passed out. My father yelled at me, "What in the hell is your problem?" but took a few steps closer and looked into the oven.

My father's response to all this would be getting her committed to a psych ward. That would happen twice in the few years that followed. I remember mutterings about speed induced schizophrenia. She speed loaded diet pills to remain under 200lbs. This definitely wasn't the full picture. I doubt the psychiatrists warned her about her brother or narcissism and sociopathy though.

However one thing that followed is my parents started to use her to abuse me further. They laid on the threats to commit me as well. At the time they scared me saying they would force me into an institution for life. No psychologist or counselor ever was ever sought for me. Why not? I would have told them about all the abuse. Multiple times, they would slap me in the face if I said the "wrong thing" and scream "You're just like Aunt Confused!" with a sneer of disgust.  My Aspergers brought me severe abuse. 

If I had not been a quiet and dutiful student, with a 3.5 grade point average, and had run into even a little bit of trouble as a teen, I could see my parents using something like that to destroy my life. I knew enough to hide my worsening OCD problems and to internalize any risky Aspie meltdowns into withdrawing instead. Constant comparisons reigned, "You are as crazy as Aunt Confused!" "Do you want to end up like Aunt Confused?"

I would hear this for years. Double-tag-team scapegoating. My father was a cruel brother as well as cruel father! The evil mindedness shown towards the mentally ill was something to be disgusted by as well. This has continued to this day, where any mental health problems are seen as an "in" and something to condemn a person by. As someone who has done volunteer work with a depression group and been part of one and worked with young people with emotional challenges earlier in life, their attitudes sicken me. That is narcissists for you! This aunt got no mercy from them either just like Aunt Scapegoat. They had no mercy for my physical problems either.

I would spent a lot of time with Aunt Confused after she was more stabilized when she lived in a trailer in my family's town. I would leave my family's 6 bedroom house near a country club to sit in her trailer in a seedier part of town and watch TV.  In my early to mid-teens, I would prefer her company to that of my cold mother. I knew something was wrong with her, but she didn't yell at me or criticize me every minute. She was nice enough to me at least on the surface, but sadly there was rejection there too, that would come. We would talk about current events and share meals of home-cooked hamburgers with fried onions on top and reading Globes and National Enquirers. My family would mock me for spending so much time with her. Sadly my parents scapegoated her so much, they got my GC sister to reject her and even my brother to express disgust with her "craziness", and to make up rude nicknames for her. Neither of them talk to her or her daughter to this day.

                                                  From Pinterest snippet of photo by Andre' Gamma

My mother did what she could to destroy that relationship. One day when I was around 15 years old, Aunt Confused simply moved away and didn't even say Goodbye to me. I think my mother forced her in some fashion to leave town seeing our growing "closeness". My mother never allowed me to be close to anyone and always did what she could to take people away from me. This devastated me at the time. I would later get some phone contact and write letters but it was never the same. The same thing that happened with Aunt Scapegoat, happened with her.

She would move back to her home state and meet a financially comfortable older man, married him and moved with him to Florida. I would only see her once in person 30 years. She forgot about me, and kept me at arm's length at the behest of my mother and would not visit even when I asked as an adult years later.  One odd thing is she would send my brother and sister $1,000 dollars on their wedding days for presents but ignored my wedding and did not attend. This should have given me a clue.

 Aunt Confused was scared of the narcissists in her life. She never confronted my cruel father but submitted to him.  She had cloying respect for the man who committed her twice and who never stood against her first abusive husband. Where did I come from? I refuse to submit to any narcissist or abuser. I match none of these people. While she called me "her buddy" even to two months ago, she betrayed me as well multiple times when it came to the narcissists.

So she was no loyal ally. She would throw me under the bus in a milli-second if it kept narcissists pleased. I realized this was true too when I was teen but I was desperate for love and digging for what crumbs of it I could find. I did truly love her too but here too was cast aside. She put my parents way above me.

For years, I took the few morsels that came from her and now realize, there really was no relationship anymore and I was fruitlessly trying to recapture the days of my youth where I and her could talk to one another. There was only feigned niceness and more rejection. My narcissist mother is friends with her son's wife who displays the same personality. There is some massive control via that network. Her son controls her money and could be a possible guardian over it so perhaps you can see where I am going with this.

 She decided to bow before the narcissists like Aunt Scapegoat on the other side of the family. I found out I was chopped liver very recently. Like Aunt Denial, I took her crumbs of a kinder tone of voice with me and didn't face the facts of how much she lied to me. I suppose it was easier. I also ignored too long how she took my mother's side on everything and served as her enabler. She also does fear my mother. She lied for my mother as well.

 While she would admit some of the narcissist wrong-doings to me, my mother always came first to her. I never will understand this. The second to last time I spoke with her, she kept telling me that my mother loved me. If that is love what is hate?

She knew of the abuse I faced, and as an adult, I have faced facts, she served as another enabler too, too mentally ill to really lift a finger herself to help. While I worked to form a stronger relationship with her over the last year, there was my mother, always put first even though they live 1,000 miles away. Her grand-daughter would not invite me to her wedding but would invite my mother. I tried to talk to her about all this and how it hurt me but it was a fruitless venture. I went no contact with her recently after she refused the pictures. It does hurt but I see no other choice. She was telling my mother everything I told her. I could not trust her. I asked her not to even let it be known we were still in contact.

It was scary to have that cousin call me and use threatening language. Aunt Confused never tried to fix the relationship or reach out to me. Sadly I think she is glad I am gone. She doesn't care. The relationships my mother have destroyed are endless. My would be family is so sick on both sides. I'd rather be alone then sacrifice integrity and my well-being to any of these people anymore.

Looking at her story, she is just like Aunt Scapegoat. Driven to mental illness, scapegoated to the max, abused, stockholmed, institutionalized, left in extreme poverty for a time-though she was driven enough to find husbands to take her out of it in this case, and submitting to the wicked. Narcissists destroy entire families. 

Fire on Babylon

I wonder if Sinead O' Connor had a narcissistic mother?

She took my father from my life
Took my sisters and brothers on
I watched her torturing my child
Feeble, I was then but now I'm grown
Fire on Babylon
Oh yes, the change has come
Fire on Babylon
Fire, fire
She's taken everything I liked
She's taken every lover on
And all along she gave me lies
Just to make me think I loved her
Fire on Babylon
Oh yes, the change has come
Look what she did to her son
Fire, fire
Fire on
Life's backwards, life's backwards
People turn around
The house is burned, the house is burned
The children are gone
Fire, fire
Fire on Babylon
Oh yes, the change has come
Fire on Babylon
Fire, fire
Fire on Babylon
Oh yes, the change has come
Look what she did to her son
Look what she did to her son
Fire, fire
Fire, fire
Fire on Babylon
Fire on Babylon

Read more: Sinead Oconnor - Fire On Babylon Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

List of Thoughts for the ACON

1. It's not your fault. I think of all the things I blamed myself for. I am working on not doing this. This means not taking responsibility for the doings of others. Throw some of those burdens off your back!

Their decisions may have impacted m life but this doesn't mean I made them! The narcissists will brainwash you into thinking everything is your fault especially if you are the scapegoat. They will tell you there are no accidents, if you fail, don't get the job, or your car breaks down or you get sick, it is your fault. My two sociopaths used to blame me for getting ill. This never relented as my disabilities worsened. Figuring out the latest smear campaign which trashed me for being on disability was sickening. This was a warning flag to me to cease and desist from all of the controlled within it.

2. Nothing you could have done could have changed it. One thing I have struggled with is this idea that if I just "say", "do" or "be" the right thing, that my mother and sister and other relatives would have woken up turned to me apologized and then treated me right. What a fantasy that was!

Part of this stew was mixed in with this idea that if I became thin, Middle Class and achieved things that my family would love and accept me. I know this is not true now. Nothing I did would have mattered.  Even my husband recently reminded me just out of college and into art teaching they still treated me like garbage when the future seemed endlessly bright. Even when he got a book published around 11 years ago, and his own future seemed to lead us up the ladder, we were still ostracized.

3. You really are a stranger to them. They don't know you and neither did they ever care to know you. they are only about themselves. Look back and ask yourself, did they ever really care about how you felt, or who you were as a person? Did they really want to know your thoughts, dreams, and beliefs? Did they ever ask? Did they ever share any of their own? Mine certainly didn't.

It was like nobody was home.  No one was home. I feel the same about all of them. It's like these people have no souls. Mine never even told me about having a dream and remembering it. Their lack of tears and fear really does mean something. I never saw my mother ever afraid. Like a lizard the emotion simply never existed. Any one with a soul will be a stranger to them. There will be no getting to "know them" and then coming into love with the most malignant ones. That is over with.

4. They brainwash others but cowardice serves their purposes. It is hard to explain to people how I had to walk away from over 20 members of the family. I am hated, and rejected by the majority. The few that were "nice" threw me under the bus too. I didn't have a chance. All the defenses in the world and standing up for myself mattered not. My mother seems to cast some spell over people where hating and rejecting me is the outcome. The Queen Spider's web expanded out as far as it could go including family friends and people in the community.  I have observed her with even subtle aspirations, and facial expressions focusing on a scapegoat like a laser turning people against a hated scapegoat. In this case it was my brother's ex wife, but it was applied to me as well. One thing my mother is seen as the "reasonable" and "strong" one among this crowd. They believe the lies but they are also cowards that go where the money is.

Remember here your whole family system is sick. It is a cult and the head malignant narc is Jim Jones of the whole affair. Resistance is futile among the Borg, but you are one of the deprogrammed ones, running through the jungle to get away from all the blind fools. My family is so cult like that they are angry over my NC. No one dares to be seen as "conspiring" with the defector.

5. The world is full of kind people too. Be one and be a kind person yourself. [unlike your family]. Find them. Look for red flags of any mean ones. Coming out of the crucible of the narcs and sociopaths, in my mind I would seek mentors to model myself after. What did it mean to be a kind and good person? I let religious faith and church lead me on that one. I know I am far from perfect, some of the things about myself drive me nuts like my propensity to cuss like a sailor when angry but I know that was something inherited from the psychos around me I have to work my way through. This world is as mean as a snake pit. I know inside I think I don't want to be mean like the other snakes. I want kind people and to live life according to ideals. Narcissists don't do that. They would think you were nuts. Know you achieved in being nothing like them. You are a person who can love.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014


Mr. Bird

I took this picture of a bird not so long ago. I have a fascination with birds. Maybe I wish I was one and could fly away! :)

One of Britain's Fattest Men

British news goes over the top with some of the smarm and fat stereotypes. Hey I think it's great the guy is fishing, means walking there, getting some exercise and being outdoors and not housebound. I need to find an update on him.

So Hungry!!!!!!! Why?

Why am I getting out and out hunger pain so often during a day?

Until I get this problem solved, weight loss efforts will be more difficult.  I even do things like eat a 40 calorie piece of vegan cheese, cut up green pepper or 10 pistachios [all these things separately for different snacks] for a snack and still it knocks on my door.

I am still keeping calories under 2,000 most days and aiming for 1800 but this is driving me nuts. I have lost a few pounds in last couple months but too slow. I'm fighting not to gain. Yeah Yeah, I know the insulin resistance and rest is bad.  Sugars aren't bad either. One reason doctors believe me about eating is long term diabetes control even being on pills. There is many times I'd rather be doing something else, and I trained myself to ignore  it for an hour or two, but it is plaguing me like crazy.

I've complained about my endless hunger pains before. NOT BOREDOM, I can be in the middle of something and NOT want to eat at that time. It's crazy and it's not normal. I have tweaked the carbs and taken all that advice, vegetables etc. Isn't appetite supposed to die with age? I'm old it needs to disappear. Sometimes lately I feel pissed from being hungry, and annoyed.  Oh if I ignore hunger pain for two hours, I get the fun called dry heaves.

My worse time for hunger is mid-morning and mid-afternoon. Sometimes I worry this is due to the digestive issue, the good stuff isn't getting in,

To any fat haters who read this blog, I bet you can go without food 18 hours and not even feel it. Oh how I wish!

Friday, September 19, 2014

"Positive Thinking Tyranny" Quote

I wanted to share two quotes I found on another page.

"Triangulation is important to the psychopath against his/her victims. It’s important that he/she has a ‘following’, those who stand unquestioning and in idol worship of the psychopath/narcissist. This is very evident now with those in power, against the voiceless. The voiceless are victimized. The victimized are blamed, scapegoated and demonized. They are labeled, stereotyped and harmed. The positive thinking tyranny (positive thinking pathologized), whether intentional or unintentional, suppress those who are truly in pain and label them as ‘toxic’, ‘drama provoking’, ‘drama queens’, ‘lazy’, ‘playing the victim’, and ad nauseum, isolating them further from what appears to be disappearing support, because labels give people justification to do nothing and feel ‘okay’ about it."

I fear this is something growing in society overall beyond narcissistic systems and groups. Too many in narcissistic family systems will turn against a person that the sociopath has decided to scapegoat. I like what is said about the "positive thinking tyranny" as I wrote about the "Be Positive or Else"! messages too.

 I believe that narcissists and psychopaths can turn on a person easily too, if they talk about any hardships or expose those. Those can be used against a person and thrown back in their face. As one of my commenters mentioned on another article, it is like they are a tape recorder recording everything to use later.  Here too Aspies need to be careful, we process information differently and some will simply not understand. Some will see your tendency for personal ruminating as a "personal insult".  They will be angry that you have not "fixed" yourself or gotten yourself up by your "bootstraps".  Being an Aspie, with all the social rules to follow, if an Aspie relaxes too much, it can mean trouble. People indoctrinated into the "positive thinking" tyranny will tell a troubled Aspie, that they are failing to solve their problems quickly enough. Analytical thought in our society today is seen as a negative. Those who go "too deep" are told they are wrong.  Only success is to be respected.

 The "positive thinking" tyranny, will often demand your silence. The cultural matrix now is to present one's self as in control, always improving and triumphant. If you fail to do this, it can make life a bit scary.

Often narcissist families and even some others will reject those they see as failing to do all three. It can be scary sometimes writing a blog like this because I am exposing some vulnerabilities, troubles and health challenges. 

In the society we are ending up with, hardships, any weakness or failure is seen as something to exploit and reject. This makes me wonder what will happen to literature and the arts as the positivity tyranny will demand silence to the true human condition.  As society grows more narcissistic, the warped "positive thinking" which isn't positive at all, seeks to serve as a silencing tool for those who make a stand or even talk about what is really happening to them. Sadly the demanded narcissistic supply of the narcissists demands endless smiling compliance. Every ACON knows what this is like. There is no real joy in forced conformity. The positive thinking matrix, actually kills joy as one always has to focus on their appearance and if they said or did the right thing.

The toxic, narcissist or sociopath in a narcissist family system or other often will suppress victims of abuse telling the group you are a "complainer", or a "trouble-maker", or "negative". This is one insidious thing about scapegoating, and here they can silence your protests against your treatment quite a bit among too many who don't see through their manipulations. This works because in doing so, as you continue to stand up for yourself, it is just written off as another "complaint". I knew even with my family I had to go NC. Short of a lobotomy freezing and erasing every memory or negative emotion, why take the route of smiling compliance?

Chris Ware

Chris Ware is one of my favorite cartoonists and graphic novelists. I really want to get "Building Stories" too.


Organizing A Stamp Collection

I got a kick out of this video, he has his stamps spread out everywhere on his ironing board.
It reminds me of myself. My favorite part of stamp collecting is the organizing part.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Black Sheep

Being a black sheep is not easy. But what is the other option? One can't fake being someone else!
One thing I have noticed with some of us, there are people out there who will try to censor you and tell you what to talk about and not talk about, and who will want you to match and conform, and when you do not, they toss you out the door! I remember being a little Aspie kid, hearing teachers and others say, "Be Yourself!". This is good advice in general but can come at a price for some of us.


Love to all of them who read this blog! You know who you are.

My Brother: Trained By The Family System

                               [picture from Gail Meyers]

 One thing a scapegoated ACON may come to a conclusion about is there is no escaping the role the narcissistic family seeks to imprison you in, unless you flat out walk away. It is hard to understand this, how embedded you become like your foot got frozen in a block of ice. While my Aspergers can at times make me feel like I am talking to people through a wall of glass, this forcing of the scapegoat role, made me feel like I was hidden behind a wall of iron.

Many scapegoats will attest to how an ACON is not seen and how even an entire family system will only see you a certain way no matter your protestations. When you go NC and get that clarity being away from them, you realize how terrible your treatment really was. I am realizing they ALL are making me unhappy and I suppose only other ACONs could understand this and how this plays out. 

One thing I realized about my family is for years I always felt invisible, and like they weren't really listening to me. Perhaps some would say it is immature to still be seeking that attention, but one does face the damages done when attention and love come in very short supply in one's childhood. The emotional scars need work to overcome.

Over the last year I realize one thing I bear is feeling like I do not belong anywhere and like I am invisible to other people. [except my husband and friends] To be frank, this is how I was treated by the family for years. My needs [even severe medical ones] were always put last, my parents made sure of this and trained all the others to treat me in a hugely dismissive way. This became normal among too way too many people and have seen it in all of them aunts to this brother. One thing I will warn if you protest this once you wake up to it, with the enablers and flying monkeys it makes not one bit of difference.

One thing I have noted with a few family conversations as of late, is there is a false myth being spread about me in the family. I can almost hear my mothers words through the mouths of others. It is scary how that happens. Her sneering words delivered through messengers. Just like the cousin recently insulted me for being disabled,  my brother too, pounded the whole "you get to stay home and lie around" theme and told me how "busy" he is constantly. This tells me what exactly has been said when it is being repeated among everyone she talks to.

 I only talk to him once every two months. What do both have in common expect they have been talking to the head narcissist?

 I have been more patient with my brother  and consider myself now on very low contact/protective status with him because he has told me [paraphrasing], "I don't care what Mom says you are my sister and I love you" but lately I am noting some of the actions aren't matching the words. Why doesn't he ever want to visit me? Why doesn't he seem to share my same angst over the time that has passed?

 He lives far away from her but he is someone she can get information about me from. In regards to his behavior and words, what am I to make of the comment, "Send me a 1000 bucks so I can visit you!" when I said, it's been so long since we have seen each other. He continued with constant exhortations about how busy he was with his business of selling candy with teenagers from a van.

 He knows I have no money but he would make a way to visit my NM except she recently went to go visit him, essentially canceling his visit to the state I and the NM live in. [I live in the same state as her well when she isn't in Florida but not the same town or area]. The relationship is dying via attrition, I have not seen him in person in 5 years.

 He is a relative I care about but the hurts are adding up. There is never any loyalty for me among any of them. Pleasing my mother first and foremost comes first to all of them. I suppose he knows what side of his bread is buttered.

 He told me my mother was going to visit him and she did. Later I had told him it would have been nice if you could stand up for me. He could have done so with no cost to himself but her lies are never ending. He wrote to me, "Mom was just asking how you were doing. I guess she still doesn't get why you did what you did. Or rather she doesn't want to bring it up." That doesn't surprise me, she had this masterful way of making me look like the guilty one always before all other parties. My brother was told "Why" I did what I did several times.

 He went on to tell me that my mother told him, the aunt and cousin I wrote about recently didn't have any pictures. That was a flat out lie. The aunt and cousin even described pictures to me with exact colors and scenes. Sadly it seemed he believed her instead of me.

 My mother is working on him steadily, the impromptu visit tells me she wanted to make sure he did not come to visit our state as she rarely goes down there and she decided to do some new teaming up against his ex-wife to gain more of a hold over my brother. His divorce is 7-8 years in the past as my brother went to court over a visitation issue.

 One thing about my brother's ex-wife, is she was another scapegoat to my mother. My mother ripped her to shreds every chance she got from the wedding day to the present day. At family dinners and get-together we would hear the many sins of the ex-wife, with every word of hers denied and discarded. She became almost a monster among the family. "No one is as mean as ****! No one is as stupid as ****!. No one is as crazy as *****!" People who had never met my brother's then wife would hate her without ever having met her!

Today to be frank, the whole thing disgusts me. In my opinion my mother helped to break this marriage up, via her hatred and smear campaigns. My brother's ex wife, could do nothing right, she was "white trash" to my mother. My mother had this way of making her seem to be so evil incarnate, that every other person too jumped on the hate bandwagon.

The marriage imploded, I believe over my brother's failure to defend her from her wicked mother-in-law. Not to say she didn't have faults too, but obviously this was a warning for me about what was happening to me behind the scenes.

 My brother told me, "My ex-wife doesn't like anyone, she isn't going to believe or listen to Mom!" I responded "Why should she? Our mother trashed her night and day for years"! He told me his ex-wife trashed me. I already knew that. They all did. They smeared me to her. My mother couldn't dare risk an alliance between me and her! Another relationship destroyed by my mother!

 Hey with all the criss-crossing triangulation lies, the entire family operated via the trashing of people and bonding over destroying others. It continues to this day. They love to put down people who have failed to get good jobs or make money even though they help some with connections, the latest victims on the chopping block seem to be my underemployed or unemployed cousins who still live at home in their mid to late 20s. It probably would surprised those three how much I have defended them.

Hopefully their own parents seem to be more the lost children types [quiet and not rock the boat types] and not outwardly malignant as so many in my family. My brother even commented on how they have no jobs or are underemployed. I told him, some of the connected ones should help them get an entry level job if they don't like it or are offended by their circumstances.

 What is funny is that my brother told me, that his ex-wife and my mother got into an argument at court and that his ex-wife yelled at my mother for buying people. Hey I know that is true, and told him that too.

 Some things struck me from these conversations:

 My brother is trained by the family system. There are things about his character that severely worry me and this has only gotten worse with the years. In this case, unlike the ice cubes he does have some emotions and shows affection to his children.  While there seems to be some feelings of affection that are mutual between us, my mother is working actively to destroy them. I warned him of this, and also how she is "fighting" the ex wife to manipulate him. From what I can tell he did not listen and it was that perpetual feeling I had of always talking to a brick wall while talking to my family. Anything that took MENTAL EFFORT, like looking up lipedema, or narcissistic personality disorder or even just thinking about something was never done.

 The engineered dramas via my mother are disgusting. There is no way, that she should even have contact with any of her children's ex-spouses, [I never have been divorced in my case] but she has contact with every ex-spouse in family and even in one case an ex-girlfriend from 20 years ago of her own brother. This is crossing major boundaries. She should not be battling an ex-wife 8 years after her adult son has divorced her. If she had normal loyalty to her own children and boundaries, there would not be contact with exes across the board.

 These narcissists really are whirlwinds of destruction. They all are afraid of her, and they all seek to please her no matter what. This controlled acquiescence she has from so many parties is awe- inspiring. I grew up with this where my mother was never to be disagreed with by anyone. The only one who dared outside of me was my brother's ex wife. At least she had her own family to run too. Even if her family was troubled and far from perfect, her mother loved her from what I could tell.

 They all preach the party line. No one ever deviates. If they deviate for a short time, she makes sure to take care of it. My brother basically had withdrawn from our earlier discussions about my mother's affect, about her treatment of others. I was cemented as the "problem" and the "trouble-maker" yet again.

 Some of my latest words to him included: "You all allowed her to throw me out and treat me like crap so I had no choice but to walk away for self respect. You're a bunch of enablers."

Didn't faze him one bit.

I know nothing I ever had to say mattered to any of those people. I love my brother, he is one I have some affection left for, but I worry about it being trounced out like fire, stampeded under narcissistic loving and enabling feet. What to do? The boundaries of asking him not to even tell her he has contact with me didn't work. 

 I care about him enough, I am not NC with him though I added the aunt and cousin immediately to the NC list, but my door is nearly shut, with just a crack open to protect myself now. So many people, so many relationships disconnected. So much voicelessness. Who wants to hang out with people who treat you this way? 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Smug Thin People Who Bash Fat People For Kicks

Thin privilege is getting to have medical imaging

I responded and noticed they took down all the responses where I told them I had lipedema. The place is censorship city among the fat bigots. They are right about the grammar in the article being off. I'll admit it. I had just started the blog and was more rusty back then.

These are not just your run of the mill fat bigots or pissed off anorexic types, but these are people who really HATE fat people. All fat people are "ham-beasts" or "hams"! These are the types who would cheer for fat people to be exterminated tomorrow. I found them to be rather pedestrian, mainstream, brainwashed thinkers. One even sneered at those who questioned 9-11. This is the type who would have their eyes glaze over if you brought up Building 7. They probably believe Obama really cares about America.

So of course they believe the mainstream about obesity that their corporate masters have handed them. "Every "fatty" overeats!" "You are all pigs!", "You disgust us!". 

I noticed when I got one in conversation, they deleted my comments immediately. When the deletion process is that immediate, it says something.

What are they so afraid of? 

They sure judge people for eating. This includes EATING ANYTHING if they are fat. Of course any fat person who relays average eating or caloric suppression is deemed a liar.

One scary thing is that DOCTORS hang out at this place relaying their hatred of fat patients and how much trouble they are. If fat, would you want this guy as your doctor?

Here too, they deleted my comments. This is what I posted. Double click to enlarge.

 I do agree with them about some of the denial in the size acceptance movement as posted on this blog. They are only the other side of the coin warned about on this blog. As I have written before, extreme facets of size acceptance play into the hands of the fat bigots and diet mongers. Fat Logic on reddit proves my case.  Fat Deniers and Fat Haters are all propping up the same rotten system when it comes to obesity in America! 

Afraid of the truth? I think so.

Here is a warning, the place is absolutely disgusting. One thing that is interesting to me is how they manage to serve as an instrument in silencing the fat about their true experiences 1984 style. Basically their attitude is, because someone is fat, nothing they have to say has value. Why should anyone give smug rude thin people the floor? They must have serious psychological problems in that they feel the need to focus on the fat with such vitriol. The diet industry probably loves this place, "Don't listen to those fatties who tell you diets don't work!". They are what Stalin called "useful idiots".

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Materialism, Crushed by Bills and Baby Boomers

{Caveat for this post I do not believe the above videos apply to EVERY Baby Boomer. There are good and bad people in every generation. I have friends who are Baby Boomers technically I do not apply the below to them or the good-minded people who were born during the years of the Baby Boomer generation.  In many ways the idea of the Baby Boomer generation as one commenter put it was created/manufactured by the powers that be--think Tavenstock. They got that right. For the 'conspiracy-minded" among you, the counter-culture had many of those roots where destruction of the economy, family and social networks was part of those plans.  }

We live in a society now where the monetary expectations are impossible. They are oppressing us with endless bills, in a society that never lets up. I drew a cartoon of me crushed under bills in my sketch book the other day, hey have to make myself laugh sometimes. One used to be able to choose more simple lives where life came cheap. I can see how people go Freegan,  squat and/or go to the streets with the endless lash of huge crushing bills to escape. Some may be able to live with others or perfect the art of mooching or the "underground economy" while others end up homeless.

Sometimes I worry I am driving my friends nuts, telling them I am always scared about money but I do really live in a jerry-built household. The years past by where 20 years of poverty have taken their toll. You take refuge in God, hobbies, books and friends, but the lost opportunities and pressures never seen to relent. Bankruptcy, car repairs, dirty rugs, dirty walls, everything bought used even the forks and metal pans you use to cook. Kind friends help me with food, and clothes. Churches step in, paying back more then your measly offerings made of whatever 1s or perhaps some 5s you find in your purse on a good day. My relationship with money has become one of love/hate.

The transmission could be failing on the car. Something that could send the Dominos spiraling down. Life when you are poor feels like one big emergency.  I'm not a good stoic. Aspies, well we can cry and whine too much, getting through the day to day of life takes too much processing to avoid melt-downs and a deer frozen in the headlights response.  Some people such on message boards or support boards get upset if you talk about your problems too much. A few years of poverty is different from a 20 year grind. Where can one go talk about being poor without being being told it's your fault? I wish there were support groups for poor people where we could commisserate with one another and trade services.  I'd start one if my health was better. I once had this idea that I and my husband should move to Appalachia so we'd be like everyone else around us, but then maybe we wouldn't fit into their world either. As I have written before, I would leave the grind far behind me if my bad health problems didn't keep me tethered to modern American life. 

 I watched the Intervention and the drug addicts and alcoholics aside from the homeless ones seem to be in better straits then me. People wonder why can't you get yourself together? Hey I tried. I thought even a some years ago, I would get my would be pituitary tumor out and I could go continue a new paralegal career, I never expected to find out what I did about the Lipedema.

I can be happy with little, if life remained stationary right now, I would be okay with access to what I have RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, but the problem is how they threaten to take everything away. Greed rules and simple people can't even be left in peace anymore.  I think there are many good Baby Boomers, and some even got bit themselves by the economy but I understand what Ollie means in the videos posted above.  I wish he cursed less, but sometimes to convey points, one has to take the risk of a broad or generalized view.

 The moorings were pulled out from underneath so many people. Gen X and Millennials did get screwed. Why did it get so hard just to get a simple job to pay simple bills? And what is this doing to millions not only physically but emotionally and otherwise? Why was society changed in these insidious ways where the greedy ruled and just making a living became a WEEDING OUT instead of BRINGING IN process?

And for those with narcissistic parents who come out of my generation, there was a special kind of abuse. I've written about it a bit on here before, but I got to watch from my inner city rented rooms, and slumlord dwellings [my apt now is decent but they just raised my rent to a perhaps unsustainable amount] my mother spend money like it was water flowing in a never ending river. I can take rich people, I want no one in my fix, but why did all the blame and shame have to come with it? As I aged, and knew my life would be a whole other path, I could no longer bear the eyes of disgust she and the others had for me. That is one of the foundations of my "no contact" decision.

The world seems to back up that abuse, in a way, crushing people under impossible bills, offering no way to make a living, or one's where you are always looking over your shoulder. Many of us pray to God to meet our needs but we are worn out. Sometimes I think there should be more to life. I am not a materialist, this is not about being able to shop or have the newest or latest but feeling secure, and feeling I have a place in society. Everyone wants to be somebody to somebody. You do not want to be forever the taker instead of the giver. No one wants to be in that position. One insidious form of abuse I have noticed in my evil family, is how all of them talk about how hard they worked and they imply I never did, and that being disabled means I am a lazy bum. I heard it today from one I have limited contact with, "It would be nice laying around all day". My response was, "Want to trade?"

Why did the Baby Boomer generation or better yet their media controllers decide to call us Generation X? There seems to be a slew of projected blame and hate that started in the 1990s when they told us that we were all "slackers" and bums hanging on in record stores and coffee shops. Anyone here remember the movie Clerks? Yes I know I am dating myself with that one. Maybe the hatred between generations is part of the media controller's job just as they push hatred between races and other groups. Here's how the plan worked, allow this prosperous generation that got the bennies and build-up from WWII, take it all for granted and then hate the new debt and failure riddled generations. This way they could keep people fighting while they ran off with the money and created debt-slaves. It's not the bankers ripping us off, but your lazy, sad sack kid, who even though he has a bachelors degree can't get a job to save his life! It's his fault!

And that is what I was told even as I attempted to get teaching jobs circa 1990 and failed the MEDICAL TESTS to do so. "It's your fault!" This is why you hear some complain about entitled and lazy younger people. None of them think this out, that when your life is permanently on hold and you can't afford to buy that house, ,marry or support children that you may take refuge in things like music concerts or sadly for some like drugs and dead end life styles. Then consider the ones who have all those student loans, that cost something equal to mortgages! Who set this system up? Many Baby Boomers are suffering too but maybe the ones who blame their kids for being "losers" or feel hatred for their Boomerang kids who are entering their 30s or even their 40s, ought to think this one out a bit. I am not a liberal or conservative remember but when you watch Fox News and see the rhetoric about the poor, hey the powers that be know what they are doing. It's easier to blame the kids then admit the system is falling down around you while you still benefit.

I remember telling my mother once, that it was sickening they built this new casino in her town, and  who had that much money to basically burn? Religiously and otherwise I am against gambling though I have will admit I bought a few Lotto tickets in my time. She got angry at me and told me, "People have plenty of money!" Maybe in her world, though I suppose some desperate types may darken the doors of casinos with their last dollars. She told me she went to the casino.  Aunt "No Pictures for You" made a habit of casinos too. The idea of laying 20 bucks down on a slot table, to see it disappear, makes me nauseous.

 You always hear about some in the Baby Boomer generation, who say things like "I am spending my children's inheritance!". One thing I have noted in old books, is how generations used to have a different view of their children, they wanted them to succeed. They did not compete with them. They saw themselves as leaving a positive legacy for their children and grandchildren. They did not want them to suffer. It seems to me, that the powers that be have turned this thinking on it's head. Don't get me wrong here many GOOD people of all generations want their children to succeed, and this isn't everyone, but who got this attitude started out there? Where the old should spend til they drop and make sure their kids are left bereft?

In the case of those with narcissist parents, while they may give voice to desiring your success, they will do everything to make sure it does not happen. I was not allowed to study, and had to do housework which meant all school work had to be done at school. This put me at the 3.5 level when maybe I could have done better with study time and not having to write papers during other classes during the school day. I know my parents had and used connections to get other people middle class jobs, during my inner-city severe poverty years and later too. My father was the co-head of an organization where high school graduates were given office jobs with no college. When I and my brother asked, including me after my health care rejections, he turned us down. Years earlier he had gotten my non-college degreed business school drop out mother, a middle class job making $40,000 a year shuffling paper at the same place. She got to work there 26 years and receive a full pension. These weren't people relating to my household's job troubles.

In a society growing in wickedness, there are many who are selfishly affecting their children's futures in negative ways. What kind of people think it is okay to sell their children's futures on huge student loans they then expect them to pay for with McJobs? Why do so few question all this? Why all the projection instead of helping the young, they decide to malign them instead and if some young people are shallow, and "lazy", have they given up in some cases, or were they raised wrong in other cases? One thing I have said to my husband is, if the work world becomes nothing but low wage jobs that can be taken away on the whim, motivation levels are going to drop. The majority of people in life want to give and be part of something. Even being on disability, it has been rare that I have not been engaged in one volunteer enterprise.  I remember my insane 4 job schedules. All this talk hides the facts of what is happening and how America is becoming a third world nation, blaming the young who are under circumstances some can't even imagine, isn't going to fix anything. It makes me sick hearing Gen Y called lazy or seeing magazines like Time call them "bums" when there the economy has been ravished. This magazine cover is a classic case of narcissistic projection.

The prices are insane now, the jobs limited and unable to build decent lives, the outcomes of this stuff is going to be a 100 years in the making. I agree with Ollie on the swathe of destruction.

I don't advocate class or generational warfare. Remember I warn the powers that be love that stuff, it's easier to turn people on each other. Too many have bought into the false rhetoric, the Baby Boomer narcissistic dream, told they were the biggest and best generation ever and the only one that "counted".  Is anyone sick of hearing about Kennedy and Vietnam? I sure am. Too many embraced the throwing away and blaming of youth and ignored the bigger picture. Maybe some of the decent Baby-Boomers should speak out next time they hear millennials called lazy or some who prosper making excuses for the endless rip-offs, and corruptions that have been accepted in our society today.  One thing about my life, is that my viewpoint of this world is completely different from that of my parents. Maybe that is one good positive that came out of. I wasn't blinded by shopping at the mall or Keeping up with the Joneses or conforming to what was sold. I refuse to be an "X" no matter how poor I ended up.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Columnist Gains Weight on Purpose

"I hate fat people for making me do this"

Can we say narcissist crocodile tears?

Columnist eats 6,500 calories a day to prove that fat people are lazy

This seems like a dangerous enterprise where she could render herself fat forever. She is too close to menopause to be playing with fire like this, but if she manages to lose it all, what will it prove but that thin bodies operate properly? Perhaps God will decide to teach her a lesson and she will be unable to lose the weight and will learn some compassion for others. I also notice she is only running "plump" on a calorie level that would make me bed-bound within days.  Just the fact she has to eat so much to stay plump says it all. The powers that be finance this sort of nonsense, they profit off fat oppression. It looks like professional fat haters are on the billing.