Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Defense of Psychopaths?

I'm not going to link to a certain other blog, but when people ask things like "Can a psychopath be "good"? That is defending psychopaths in my book.

I mean why even write something like that? I found it disturbing. What next an article on the Virtues of Ted Bundy?


Update on Fat Logic Debates

Useful Idiots for the Fat Gulag

I felt like what I trying to convey whooshed over their heads. There were a few thoughtful ones who seemed as if they were getting it, but one overwhelming theme I saw is they do truly believe if one eats a "healthy diet" that they will automatically be thin. In my world this seems like magical thinking given my experiences.  I have always advocated people eating as healthy as is possible. I believe I would be dead if I ate like most Americans. In fact one question I have asked is how are so many so thin while eating total crap?

In my own life, the whole "Eat Healthy and you will be THIN or at least average." messages seem like a cruel joke from the gates of hell. It simply has not applied to my life.  Of course some may say, You are one off, with the severe PCOS and stage IV Lipedema married together and you did lose SOME WEIGHT--the 200 down from the near 700 peak but how many millions of others are told "Eat healthy and you will be thin" and it simply is NOT WORKING?

By the way this does not mean I am giving up "eating healthy". If I free-ate, I would be dead from the diabetes alone.  There would be no regulated sugars. If I ate a greasy hamburger, my urologist would be seeing me for the giant kidney stone within the week. I can gain weight at the drop of a hat, and I have to be so vigilant, it would drive most people crazy.

I do not believe every thin person in the world is a closet bulimic or having to starve themselves every minute. They eat their two or three squares a day and live and are happy and their body burns off food and life goes by with ease. They are not having to beat themselves or starve themselves to be thin. Some may eat healthy but others eat badly. Some eat well and have occasional treats. In shock I would watch thin women have cookie parties and fix brownies and foods I never could dream of. Of course their bodies work different from my own.

The posters at Fat Logic all seem to believe that people are all fat now because food is plentiful, but there have been plenty of times in history people were more prosperous and had food, and did not fatten up like people are today in America. Japan is a wealthy society where they have plenty of food. If they stay away from Western incursion, maybe they won't fatten up. In other words eat what they have and avoid American fast food.  Sure most societies had times of plenty and famine but wealthy societies have existed before. By this logic every wealthy person in past history would look like Henry the VIII and this is simply not true.

One commenter wrote:

"The reason we're getting fat is that our lives are a never ending gravy train of times of plenty and the times of hunger never come any more. The culprit isn't a big conspiracy it's the industrial revolution. We're just telling people that we have to be vigilant now and not give into these primal urges and crappy feeding habits."

Even this commenter refers to "primal urges". So do human beings need time of famine to be thin? Why are there thin people now then? Given weight loss and nutrition are so actively advanced in the USA, does "crappy feeding habits" explain all the obesity? I simply do not see all thin people eating perfectly healthy and perfect portions of food, this is one myth too.

                                          [picture source]
They truly believe the industrial revolution fattened everyone up? Well if you go and look at people in the 1950s even, their are far smaller and thinner then people today. I even have noticed this watching TV shows from the 1970s. Keith Partridge is wisp-thin. I always have believed something more is going on. All the growth hormones in meat? Changes in our environment? Not everyone was behind a plow in the 1950s and 1970s.

One thing I kept bringing up to them, is we are looking at 40% of the population fattening up. Is this 40% of people who are gluttons and lack some personal quality such as responsibility? I saw that theme in their answers over and over. Even as some sincere scientists and others expose that the diets are not working they cling to their mantras like a religion. Weight loss is guaranteed if you eat less and move more. This simply isn't happening for millions of people.

"Eat less, move a bit and one will lose weight. My "conditions" and "genetics" went away with a healthy diet."

I believe most of these people are some thin people who lost 20 or so pounds and otherwise had working bodies that operate along the normal trajectory. While a few had empathy most did not. They stuck to their stance, that all fat people are overeating pigs and that people in our society are fattening up because they are gluttons and "irresponsible.. I did raise the question as to why great segments of the population are even "wanting to eat" so much? This question remained unanswered. None of them could answer it. It was a sincere question. Ironically I showed them that caloric intake has recently dropped but obesity is still increasing.

But none answered that question. Here is where I felt some things I was saying was "whooshing over their heads".

Obviously telling people to "eat less and move more" is failing to solve the obesity epidemic. It is failing to turn fat people into thin people.  I believe there will only be more failure when it comes to obesity since these things are adhered to like a religion. Very few are getting to the root cause. Everything remains at the surface and goes no further. Focusing on obesity as a wholly personal failure of will is failing all of us.

Update: I was banned from the Fat Logic Reddit board. Wow they move in a hurry! I am noticing their latest thing is mocking someone else with lipedema, having little knowledge about lipedema and how fluids work in the disorder. Some may ask "Why bother with these jerks at all?". I did it to show they are indeed "useful idiots" and sadly it shows the level of brainwashing about obesity and related disorders.

Health Update

I had to go on insulin but my sugars are now regulated on Lantus and averaging around 110 in the morning. The diabetes does bother me, but not sure what else to do. I put myself on fixed meal times years ago but diabetes absolutely demands this. It's better then having sugars in the stratosphere.

Everyone is saying "You look good" to me out in public which can translate to the weight going down, but for some odd reason ever since I went off Metformin, my hair has decided to grow for the first time in eight years. I worry too about my PCOS worsening being off of it, so have to have the doctor test my androgen and testosterone levels--I'm off Spiro due to a kidney drug I'm on, so these things have to be managed too. My facial hair is getting a bit out there and had to shave a mustache off the other day.

I have had two periods in two months which is crazy too especially since I went a year and half without a period. It makes no sense. The doctors had told me I was in menopause. Maybe it is a one off. A lot of what this body does confuses me. Maybe insulin is cooking up new hormonal problems. I'm not sure.

Recently I've had some severe bloating. People don't realize that the worse thing about Lipedema is if you get busier and active, the body will retain tons of fluids. The Flexitouch takes some off at night but overall, this can be very hard. Ever since I decided to clean some papers up in the apartment about a week ago and was doing a some more things, it's like my body just bloated and went to town. This would be very low-level activity for a normal person but this body seems to protest moving at all. Having the lipo-lymphedema means I basically have lymphedema body wide. Even my arms and face bloat when I swell up. Sometimes this can be very painful and lately I wonder if I am doing enough or too little. It does worry me and can be constant problem. It is the biggest barrier in regaining more health as the pain of the big bloat can be very harsh. I know warmer weather worsens this too. I do get scared of losing mobility and being forced into bed permanently. This can happen to women with the severe stages of lipedema.

I have the scary thing of finally getting the CT done on the kidney lesion and finding out what that is mid-July.

I have to cook constantly and probably spend at least two hours a day in the kitchen, trying to cook decent foods. Our food budget has been under constant attack, so I've been cooking from scratch from the Mexican market quite a bit. Today I am making veggie stir fry for lunch cutting up one chicken breast between us to be in it. I got some spaghetti squashes from the food pantry but have absolutely no idea how to cook them and have to look up how to.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Lipedema Overview - Dr. Mark Smith - LE&RN

Migaloo, The Albino Whale?

The Giant Set-Up

"You are being set up. You have been set up all your life, conditioned to try, try, try to stay in the game, and to fail in ways that bring Nsupply to the Ns in your family. Eventually, some of us don’t even need to be manipulated by our NMs to provide the source: we drop out of school, get involved with abusive, passive aggressive, or even narcissistic men, we get pregnant without marriage or we get married and have too many kids or we have them too close together; we get involved with drugs and/or alcohol, live marginal life styles, go on welfare, struggle for the barest necessities. And those of us who “make it”? I stood in an elevator in a hotel in Las Vegas with my NM after not seeing her for ten years: I was wearing a silk dress the same size I wore in high school, my hair had been professionally coiffed, my jewellery was real gold and diamonds. My mother said only three words to me “You’ve gotten fat.”

You are being set up. You have been set up all of your life. You have been conditioned not to achieve and succeed, but to fail in ways that give your NParents the greatest amount of Nsupply, whether from without or within. When you do poorly, when you are broke and hungry and on welfare so your kids can eat, your NParents not only get NSupply from others who sympathize with them about how lazy and shiftless and worthless you have become, they get NSupply from within because they feel superior to you. “Such good people,” their friends mutter as a scapegoat son is hauled away in handcuffs, “how sad for them that their son ended up a criminal…” Who is asking that “criminal” how he got to that point?"

I was set up...and so were you!

A life rule for ACONs, stay away from anyone who thinks they are SUPERIOR to you. I know I am still trying to work through the brainwashing that I had to attain the upper-middle class to be considered worthy as a person. Scapegoats are often set up for severe failure. You know that wedding I was not invited to from a few years ago? The cousin was marrying a multi-millionaire publisher whose father was a Stock Broker on Wall-Street. I wouldn't expect anyone to make book deals at the reception but imagine a writer like my husband getting to know someone like that?

The narcissists desire that we fail, so they look good compared to us. My family is busy setting up three new cousins for failure, and the rich ones with endless connections aren't even helping them get a simple mail room job that can help them move out of their parent's house. I know my mother fed on my poverty like a vampire. Even 15 years ago, she suddenly acted helpless when my husband applied for a government job at the same place she was showed a straight path into.

Some may say you can't blame narcissistic parents for all life failures, and this is true to a point. But one part of the career and "making it" world, is social connections. If someone is smear campaigning you behind the scenes, success is going to be harder to come by.

Young ACONs make financial independence your first priority.

Fat Logic: "UsefuI Idiots" for the Fat Gulag

Reddit got rid of some of it's worse fat haters subboards, and banned fat-hate.  Perhaps the threat of lawsuits for harassment, insults and worse frightened them off, but one board called Fat Logic still prevails and has not been banned. I support free speech so the issue of them being banned is not my main one but want to examine what purpose boards like this have served.

Fat Logic and boards like it are propaganda boards with many useful idiots for the diet industrial oppressors to keep the truth about obesity oppressed. One main way they operate is basically labeling all fat people as liars and overeating pigs.

Actually one odd thing about these fat-hater boards, is some of what they say about size acceptance is the same as I have said. A few years ago, my own blog was the only place I saw questioning HAES. Some segments of the size acceptance population are ideologues who deny the real health price of obesity and the realities many fat people especially super-sized face. I have warned of the two sides of the coin, how America grows more ill and fat as the diet industrial complex denies the realities of metabolism and extreme factions of size acceptance denies the health-limiting realities of severe obesity. Fat Logic repeats these themes but sadly instead of desiring truth, go with the usual "Diet or Die!" lies and add in a giant dose of fat bigotry to accompany their mental refusals to examine the issue with any actual and real logic.

Years ago when I wrote my anti-HAES article, I had this thought, that there would be a back-lash against the extreme ideologues who ignored the health realities of fat. In some ways, reading these boards, one got the feeling the class and health divides of the obese vs. the naturally thin had only grown like a chasm.

Just like I have warned on this blog against the dance and theatre show of Republican vs. Democrat or Right vs. Left, the Hegelian dialectic for you more informed types, that same dance show continues when it comes to obesity. As I wrote in my 2012 article: "Seeing Through the Obesity Lies", these things have only grown worse, and the fat-hater bigot reddit boards are evidence of this.

I wrote: "Even in the fat world, we got the two sides just like we have the two fake parties advancing globalism and the dismantling of the America economy when it comes to obesity we have "the good cop" side of extreme "size acceptance"--"learn to love your fat, accept your new fat reality and be happy about it" vs. the "bad cop" Diet industrial complex: "You obese people are lazy sloths and gluttons and responsible for your horrible bodies gone amuck!".

One thing with obesity, there's too many that have vested interests in keeping the profits flowing in the answers that fail. They want to label all fat people as liars, and this is what the fat logic board does. Like all bigots, they label their chosen category of person as always lying. Being fat alone means you will not be believed on fat logic. They will use names to dehumanize the fat person even further like calling them ham planets. If these people truly cared about health and well-being of individuals, they would take a look around them and ask, "Why are people getting so sick and fat?" instead of running to bigotry and the answers that have failed. It's obvious American people especially those in lower socio-economic groups are growing fatter and more ill. I am old enough to remember when severe obesity was rare. Physiologically, this idea that people "choose" to be severely obese is one of insanity when 40% of the population is fat.

In the fat logic world, eating healthy and "exercising" means you will automatically be a healthy and thin weight.  We are to believe this nonsense that they all eat nothing but a broccoli spear at every meal.  Endocrine diseases and conditions like Lipedema are mostly scoffed at. They demean fat people who have health conditions calling them "Condishuns". There is even one woman who complains of gaining 55lbs really quickly and they mock her. This is how I almost died, not being believed. People die because of "useful idiots" fat bigotry. What is funny is I have lost more then what some of these people weigh, and "kept it" off but allowed no room at the table because I am still very fat.

The bigots actually strengthen the extreme ideologues in segments of the size acceptance community. In fact I have always believed the two have played off one another.  Instead of fat people demanding answers and addressing the toxic American life-style that has been foisted upon then, each side plays off of one another. Their whole board is based upon the theme that fat people are liars, about what they eat, and how they live. A "useful idiot" Fat logician, would never imagine that in the bodily process of lipedema, the more I do, the more I can swell up.

I have been thinking more and more how the propaganda circles and control mechanisms operate in steering thinking about obesity. Fat Logic is a yet another control mechanism board that will make sure no one deals with the issue of obesity in any real way. They will shout for the answers that have failed for 40 years and in this way, they are "useful idiots" for the fat gulag. They care nothing about anyone's health. It's all about labeling and silencing fat people. It's class structures and feigned superiority just for being "thin".

You're Not Getting Happy Fast Enough!

It's weird how people will judge others on their happiness or lack thereof. You're a "Debbie Downer" if you even talk about one problem. One thing I have noticed is that healthy women with middle class incomes, have no problem judging severely disabled people or others as not being "happy" enough!  Going deaf? So sick you are just managing to stay out of the nursing home? Be careful, a narc may be measuring your smiles!

"Get happy! or get out is their mantra. One thing I believe is the outcome of social media, is everyone comparing their lives in the extreme.  Are you happy? Are you living fully? There isn't a person on the planet who wants to be unhappy, so faulting people for being unhappy I believe is a very narcissistic quality. It is the domain of the spoiled. American society is now run like a cult, everyone in their white tunics is making sure that everyone has a smile on their face. All dissenters are "bad".

Question for these types: How is your lack of compassion helping anyone's would be lack of happiness?

Happiness lies in escaping the measure up games.

I believe this is one way narcissists can put someone on edge. Narcissists want "happy", unquestioning supply. I don't give a damn if I am a melancholic, or not happy enough to "please you". I enjoyed some movies and had some fun this week. Often I have noticed with age, it is the most unhappy and hiding it people who are always going on about how someone else isn't happy enough.  I know I laugh and smile more then some of these "be happy" or else merchants.  It's none of their business really.  Happiness is not supposed to be a contest.

One line in the sand for every ACON should draw is, "Don't tell me how to feel!"

PS: One blog, that will remain unnamed, is now defending psychopaths. The mind boggles.


Another good one from Roz Chast. My apt has that look to it. I wonder if I should hang-up the round horse wood-burnings? :)

Debbie Downer

One of SNL's funniest moments. :)

At least Debbie Downer may talk about something "deeper" then the lint in her navel. :p

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

She Showed Up At My Door

                                                    [picture source]
My mother showed up at my door yesterday.

I had been sick that morning with the breathing problems I mentioned in a comment. Sometimes if the weather bounces around a lot my COPD goes to town and it did that morning. When my COPD gets bad or my breathing is off, my swelling and pain gets worse. I could breathe after some lung medicine. So I was trying to cook lunch at 3pm after spending too much of the morning in bed.

 I was making stir fry so I was making two meals at once, lunch for yesterday and tommorow, chicken breast pieces lightly breaded with green peppers, onions, carrots, chili sauce and soy sauce to be served over rice. Usually we eat sandwiches and/or  soup but since it was such a late meal I was making it more hearty and made something lighter for dinner.

 My kitchen was trashed and so was my apartment. We keep the trash going out and the dishes done, but my apartment needs serious heavy cleaning it has not been able to get in years. I am frustrated by this. I try to clean up little bits and pieces and filled three trashbags this weekend of papers to be gotten rid of but it's like taking a bucket to the ocean. I'm having a hard time cleaning it and have fantasies about finding someone to give me real help. They wouldn't give me a cleaning aide due to me having a husband.

So it's 3pm and there is a call from our foyer, my husband goes out and I suppose he opened the door and they came in, and he walked in but didnt let them in right away but it was my mother and niece. This is the niece I had email contact with. What did I do and was partially in shock.  I stood there with flour on me, a big pan of the cooking chicken and another pan of stir frying vegetables, in a purple shift, and they are at the door. My husband comes in the door, and says to me, "Your mother and niece are in the hall", and the door is opened part way. I have to make a decision quick. I haven't seen my niece in THREE years.

I tell my husband to tell them, "My niece can come in, but not her." and he goes and tells them and so my niece comes in but not my mother. I don't even let my mother cross the threshhold and ignore her.  My mother stays silent and goes back out to the car. I do not even talk or look at her. She goes back without saying a word which surprises me.

I have a visit with my niece, and it goes well, though she does see my messy apartment and I take a few minutes to put a more decent outfit on and tell my husband to shove the partially cooked chicken and veggies in the oven and to unplug the rice cooker. I am thankful for the hour I get with her, while my mother gets weeks and weeks. She is a very sweet soon to be 15 year old, and likes me and I care deeply about her too.

My niece may have been the one to ask to stop by. She knows where I live. My mother would have been picking her up from my sister's house or a midway point, and my town is right off the way there and back.  I don't know if this is something my mother planned using my niece as a pawn. Trust me when I was in full contact, I would beg to see my nieces and nephews more often so my sister and mother never were forthcoming with my contact with them and as I wrote before my final break came with my sister when I realized she was keeping me away from them.

I wanted to focus on my niece and asked her questions about school, her hobbies and more which is what I did for the majority of the visit, but I am trying to cram what should have been years worth of visits into ONE HOUR. Today I feel like crying dealing with the emotions of being so far away for too long. My sister has children she doesn't even appreciate and doesn't seem connected to whatsoever.  I was denied the opportunity to be a good aunt for so many years outside sending cards and emails and how my own lack of financial means made things even worse. The true cost of poverty isn't the things you can't buy but the people you are cut away from.

 I pray everyday this niece stays a good person with a conscience and that she does not become like them. Of course I worry about the influences two or three weeks at my mother's house will give her. I will be no contact in 5 days for two years, so the whole thing was rather strange. I don't know if seeing her from 15 feet away through a partially open door but saying nothing is "considered" contact. If my mother is reading this blog, her endless coldness and inability to have ever talked anything out before things got to this point stand out. What did she expect?

No contact isn't always easy. I know it gave me less contact with the nieces and nephews. She could be using her as a pawn or simply gave in to her wishes to stop by a mile off the highway. I don't know. I'm glad I saw her. I talked to my mother's husband too, who seemed amendable and told him I had no hard feelings with him.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Guest Blogger: "God's Will or Plans for Our Lives?"

God’s Will or Plans For Our Lives?

A picture in Peep’s latest blog entitled “Putting a Brave Face On” reminds me of the days I was spiritually abused by so-called Christians. I saw this picture “Your Plan v God’s Plan” in many places when I tried organizations like Calvary Chapel churches and Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. It would be years before I learned that it was one of the biggest lies perpetuated on us by Satan, with to help of narcs and false Christians. Yes, narcs have been behind this all along, because it was one of their plans, not God’s!

I had a light-bulb moment this morning and began to realize the truest motivation behind posting this meme, or a Christian tract as it was before internet came into existence. There were some ulterior motives behind giving this meme or a tract. It was not a good motive. These so-called, well-off false Christians are not true Christians after all and they don’t love God. They did not surrender their lives to the Lord nor had their hearts changed! No, they lied to us about it. Why are they doing this to us?

                                        [picture source]

They don’t want to compete with poor people for resources and wealth. The resources they are concerned about are more than just money or wealth. They want to keep their easy and comfortable lives and be with people who are “clean, perfect, good-looking, successful, and happy.” They want a great life which consists of businesses they own, their properties, going on vacations at least two times per year, paying for their children’s education in prep schools and in Ivy League university, great family gatherings in Thanksgivings and Christmases as well as sometime during the summer, perfect credit rating and abundance of resources.

Matthew 19:24 "And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

They don’t care about God or Jesus. Having a good life is more important to them than being a loving and caring Christians. And they want to have their good lives and eat cake too, meaning that what they have been doing, hurting people in order to live a good and comfortable life, is okay with God. What they want is to ignore those who are less fortunate and have God “control” our lives so we would not fight for justice or look for a better life. What they really want is to have God scoop us away from them so they don’t have to hear about our complaints and laments about injustices in our lives. They want God to “control” our lives so we would shut up!

Matthew 16:25 "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."

I am giving you several examples. They did not want to give their wealth to charitable organizations that are run by caring people rather than those who would abuse those who need help. A caring organization with caring case workers, Volunteer of America, paid for my dental care years ago so I could save my teeth rather than an extraction. When a case worker accepted my application, she told me that people gave generously to Volunteer of America so poor people like me could get a quality dental care. There were no strings attached and I did not have to donate money as long as I am still struggling to pay bills. Since the economic downtown, Volunteer of America could not do the same because people did not donate enough money, or those who had money withheld it from organizations that could help those less fortunate. They did not care and want God to scoop us up and “control” us so we would stop complaining about their contributions to our harder lives. They don’t want people to complain about them not donating their money to caring organizations who could have helped them.

In the past up to three years ago, a program for poor woman received generous donations for a scholarship program for women who attended college. I used to get $1,000 per year but it stopped as of late 2013. People stopped donating to the organization either because of economic downturn or those who have money are hoarding it. Many women and I were forced to take out a few loans to make up for $1,000. I was angry and prayed to God for money. My college had a way to giving me a scholarship and paid for some of my classes in full so I only took $3000 in loans from that school.

What these self-absorbed people are doing is "buying their way to heaven" by “tithing” and going to church every Sunday. False preachers are being paid well to tell them what they want to hear and to sooth them of any guilt they could have for unforgivable sins such as not loving God as much and not loving those who are unfortunate. They are paying for pastor who printed or give out tracts that make us angry with God. They don’t care about us. It is their way of telling us, “I don’t want to hear your complaints because I don’t care. I want a good life and go to heaven too. Please leave me alone!”

They don’t like to hear us complaining about our misfortunes and asking them to pray for good things to happen to us. They don’t want to hear our laments against narcs and evil people ruining our lives, and our problems with injustices in life in general. They don’t want to hear about our complaints about God not answering our prayers or keep on praying for us or giving us support and resources we need. Why don’t they care? Why are they living good lives and not caring? Why are they going to church and still living good lives? Because they are not Christians!

                                          [picture source]

There had been a realization that these good-living, faithful church-going people had been guilty all along or if they have not been guilty, they are supporting or enabling guilty parties of those who caused our suffering. Instead of acknowledging their guilt or absolving it by working on becoming loving Christians who help and care about those with less fortune, they tell us that God is in control of our lives, he had it planned all along, he is waiting for us to understand that he is in control and we need to accept that, and we need to let go and let God. They want us to submit ourselves and surrender our lives completely to the Lord! They want us to lose our freedom of making choices and having good lives for ourselves. Oh no, they don’t care about us. They want us to “accept our lots in our lives” and believe it was God’s will or God’s plans for our lives. I’m sure they are laughing and crossing their fingers behind their backs and breathing heavily that we will never figure out their true intentions.

Why did they claim that they embraced their suffering and accepted God’s wills for their lives? Why did they say that their lives are wonderful and fulfilling? If you look around and review their live situations compared to ours, you will notice that these people did not suffer much during their lives. They don’t have narcissistic parents to abuse them as children or conduct smear campaign against them as adults. Some are narcissistic themselves.

Some narcs tell of their struggles during their childhood and young adult years, and how they overcame their difficulties. They used their stories of struggles, race, and disability to get ahead in life. When they got a degree from a prestigious university, for example, some do not help poor, minority and people with disability in their work. Some who work for these disadvantaged groups ended up abusing their clients or those who came to their employers for help. For example, I had several hard-of-hearing vocational rehabilitation counselors who abused me because I did not have a mentality of a narc woman (being cold, critical, detached, or acting like my narc mother and other narc women), and they are obviously narcs. I had many horror stories to tell you but need to suffice it here. Narc people with disability are very successful in vocational rehabilitation programs. It has been that way for years and I hope it will change in the near future.

I heard complaints from black people that there are Uncle Toms or house Negroes working in organizations that are supposed to help poor black people. Poor people or homeless women complained about formerly poor people who became counselors or social workers, because they were condescending or tried to make them do something they don’t want to do. For example, narc case workers of a transitional housing program told several women to go to a substance abuse center in order to keep their spot in a transitional housing program.  A sympathetic social worker told me it is hard for some people to get sober so they had to get these ladies into a section 8 voucher program instead of a public  housing program. There had been many complaints about these successful people. Some of these people are good-living, church going people.  They tithe but don't give to organization or help unfortunate people with love and care.

Some good-living Christian people who like these memes we could not stomach claimed that God helped them, because they surrendered their lives to the Lord. The truth is they did not surrender their lives to the Lord, not the ways they described. They had good lives so other Christians did not tell them to give up on their decisions and goals. They tithed faithfully to churches because they had jobs and abundant financial resources. They did not have to deal with a pastor because they gave generously to church. They had easier lives in a “Christian” organization, because they did not suffer and people could see that their lives went well. Christian leaders assumed that they are right with God and opened doors for them in ministry and obtaining financial resources. My friend told me one time that these people were not blessed by God. They were blessed by their parents, cooperative people, and fellow narcs who like them. Satan blessed some of these people.  These are examples.

Some became narcs themselves because of a culture that conditioned them to become one, and a false Christian culture that told them that it is okay for them to hurt others by withholding resources, being cold, putting people in situations that would force them to surrender their lives completely to God and give up on their plans or decisions. That’s spiritually abuse. Some narcs never experienced spiritual abuses because they are being blessed by Satan and evil people.  There are people who claimed that they accept God’s plans or wills for their lives, that they surrendered their lives completely to the Lord, and are at peace with God. It was not true. They are not at peace! They are very angry and bitter people.

I could give you an example and you probably ran into some yourself. I had a so-called Christian friend in college who claimed she was at peace and very happy with God’s plans and wills for her life. Before she started judging me, she revealed to me that two doctors told her she needed counseling. She was upset because she believed that “Christian people don’t need counseling.” I was young at that time so I did not know what to say. Her mother told her that Satan sent her to a doctor to tell her lies about counseling and that God could heal her. My so-called friend was in denial that she was angry.  Her beloved father died when she was nine so she was crushed when her mother told her that God took him,  She read a few passages in the bible and joined bible studies in Calvary Chapel churches.  However, she had an outburst of rage that ended our friendship.

                                      A horrible narcissistic view of the poor....

She did not like being around with poor and unlucky people. She told me that poor people are not Christians because God would give them money if they let him control their lives. It did not sound right to me, and I told her that God is not like Santa Claus. Even though God does help people, he is not like Santa Claus who would give more money to “good” people and poverty to “bad” people. Six months later, our friendship ended after months of arguing about God and her way of treating those who are less fortunate. She does not want to help or be with those who are less fortunate.

She eventually lived a great life by getting married to a man who makes a lot of money, voted for Republicans who created policies that worked against poor people, and going to churches where pastors tell rich people what they want to hear. I am still struggling and praying for a husband and children. Does that mean God has will for me and a plan for me to be single and childless, or that he is waiting for me to surrender my life completely to him so I could lose my decision and goals in life? Does that mean he wants me to let him control my life, my heart, mind and soul, so I would submit myself to abuse and reunite with my abusive adopted narc mother?

No, but these are what selfish narc Christians want to tell me. They don’t want to pray for me that I will find a husband. They don’t want to introduce me to good men to meet. They don’t want to start a bible study for single women who are waiting. They don’t want to be my mentor as married women who would help single women like me to find a right Christian man. They don’t want to help single, waiting women. No! They want to dump me and tell me to get lost. They want me to shut up and get away from them, because I was and am interfering with their great lives. Several ladies made comments or implied that they would not hang out with me until I get married with children, because they are afraid single adults would ruin their marriage! They want God to “take care of it for them so I would stop complaining to them about my singleness and the lack of a family who love me,” meaning God, as they believe, would force me to stomach it and “accept” singleness, childlessness, and a lack of a caring family as parts of his "plans or wills for my life."

Most of them are narcs. They are not Christians. If you read the whole bible, you will know what God meant when he said that you could tell if they are true Christians by their fruits. These people produced bad fruits and they are not true Christians or God’s people.-----ThreeThousandMileRunning

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Putting a False Brave Face On

                                         I don't agree with this picture, keep reading....

One thing I notice about the culture here, that is stronger, then on the other side of the state I used to live on, is much higher degree of reticence and this emphasis on putting on a "brave front".  I am sure if you get cancer in NYC you can say "This sucks, my insides are rotting out!" but here, it's strange. At a book club today,  I know two people with serious health problems and they are nice people and they attend this local church that does a lot to help the poor, but they are putting on this brave face. I almost wanted to tell them, "You don't have to for me" but didn't want to embarrass them among the others saying they were brave and strong. If I was closer to them, I would tell them being ill sucks, and they don't have to sugarcoat things for a woman that has been sick almost all her life.

I know there is a code among some neurotoypicals that "complaining" is bad. It's one reason that one friendship of mine failed, but then I can't be someone else to please her.  This is something too that has grown very strong in the Christian world. Almost like this idea to prove holiness one must always keep a smile on their face, and say things like "God is in control", and "God has a plan for my life". I hate to tell people but if we judged God by people's plans for their lives on this earth, then that is troubling. The apostles died martyred, most likely penniless and losing everything. How did their life go? The Bible tells us to expect tribulation and suffering:

1 Peter 4:12-13King James Version (KJV)
12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:

I think one reason the Christian world got the Duggars, is because people look for these fake, perfect acting and looking people, who in reality were hiding giant skeletons in the closet. The Duggars were trained never to complain, and to always smile, but how real are they? Not very considering the sex abuse going on behind closed doors. The "Christian" world is awash with phonies. When non-believers express disgust about the "keeping sweet" crowd, I agree with them.  Some are sincere people and perhaps even some of the Duggars are [well except for the parents and Josh] but they have taught you must look, appear and act a certain way. Some emotions are "wrong". Even the way they speak is like a script, but sadly I have seen this in a real world too.

Narcissists always demand this of their victims to keep only positive emotions and never complain and keep smiling and act in a way that is most comfortable for them. As the society grows more narcissistic, and everything becomes competition, the pressure even for those in secular society to "keep sweet" only grows. You see all those who say you must have a positive attitude and never say anything bad about anything but then where is the creativity or questioning there? It's gone. If one even thinks that a lot of art comes out of the fountain of pain, if everyone is busy putting on false faces, art will suffer too.

 It makes me sad though when I see these people suffering terrible things, and they feel this pressure, first to be quiet about it and tell no one, or secondly always present a brave, strong face to the world. If they are in the church world, these pressures are even more strong. The pressure is there to always look like you always have it together! This ties into the "be positive" ethos too which demands that everyone even put a positive spin in public even if you have stage IV terminal cancer. All of this seems exhausting to me and seems to just say to people, "You can't really talk about your troubles.", you have to prevent this fake façade to the world. I know some have been offended by this blog, including even the ex-friend, because I do expose some mighty troubles to the world. I talk about illness, severe abuse, and things many people are trained to keep behind closed doors. Some may say I am a sucker for the "confessional culture", but then I know hiding behind a fake smile would have just succeeded in destroying me.

 You know the "don't complain ethos" where one is to be brave and ever suffering and not unload their troubles on anyone else. Something worried me, how this seems so strong now, that one is to never speak of troubles anymore of if you do, it is always suppose to improve you, or be meaningful. What if it's not improving you? What if there isn't meaning in it? Bad things happen to people. It's a simple fact. I think there is such a denial of suffering in American society that it has screwed people up in the head. In fact I think this fact that we are to hide all troubles and compete even in OUR HAPPINESS leads to more unhappiness and severe depression. What intimacy is there for a cancer patient who among even their closest friends must always put a brave face? To be honest in my life, anyone who can't handle the vestiges of severe illness has already walked. This is a screening process like no other.

Often these types will say things like "God is in control, or "I know God has a plan". Here my belief system diverts, I do not think God created disease and death but it came in via Satan and sin. Satan is the prince of this earth and it's not God who gave you the giant tumor in your stomach, or any other multitude of disease processes. God is not the author of evil. God made for us to have eternal life via Jesus His Son. I realized if I believed the way they did, having been sick since the age of 28 and having gone almost deaf and recently losing more hearing, I would have ended up an atheist again.  Job gets the snot beat out of him but it's not because God cooked up trouble for him but because of the nature of this world.

This is some of the kind of stuff, that actually makes some people say forget this God business. They see these "perfect" Christians like the ones I wrote about in the last church I left.  While the church people often are "good", "nice", "kind" people on the surface, one feels almost frozen around them. Where does that frozen feeling come from but some of the social more's that means a freezing up of free expression or even exposure of emotions or thoughts?

This may sound bad but sometimes I found myself thinking as they put on the extreme brave faces, like they were reading a script. Inside they were thinking, "I am supposed to be brave and faithful in the face of severe illness/and or death and not show distress." If I was closer friends to one of them, I would say, "You can cry you know and say it sucks!".  I don't expect them to pour out every emotion to everyone but I felt troubled for them. I've been sick long enough to know too well the real emotions involved. Real life is messy, the endings are not always prettily tied up in a bow.

I am not the most stoic person. I think we should be able to tell each other our problems. I know one reason that friendship ended locally is because she has been taught the reticient school of problem dealing. One is always supposed to appear brave, and "moving forward" and as if it all has meaning.
I'm not interested in this. If I was like that I would have long ago cracked up. Who are all these people trying to impress? God knows if you are crying and in pain and the people who expect everyone to always be smiling and saying brave and good things every minute even if they are very sick, are a bunch of narcissists. Real friends don't mine hearing the troubles of friends. I and my close friends talk about everything and anything. There is none of this false front stuff. I sometimes wonder if someone people in American culture, don't even have one person they can "get real" with and that makes me very sad. This whole culture needs a can of "Get Real".

The Psycho Comments

Click to enlarge the above.

I discussed them here

I decided to SHOW them.

Did she?

I don't know 100% for sure but I highly suspect it. It sounds like things she would say, and she always went low for the attack. Having emotions like a normal human being-even though my relationship with my brother is troubled because of my mother, I was severely worried for him and guess what jugular this person went for?

Having this posted the night of my brother's serious surgery, the timing was telling because it was the night before his quadruple bypass. No one else here except me and family members and a few of his friends who don't read this blog knew the timing. I and friends prayed for him that he would come through alright.

He did make it through his surgery okay and is recovering at home, with his girlfriend, her child and a friend helping out. I did talk to him before the surgery and sent him a card.

As you can see this was pretty evil sick stuff. It seems too emotional and too personally direct for an indiscriminate troll but if it was a troll, you suck too.

Coffee House Blues

                               [picture source]

This was written about 10 years, I found it in one of my old journals...

I am too old to be sitting in this coffee house, starving artist nightmares revisited. I have nothing to talk about with 19 year olds. Who wants to perform anything? My days of proving myself over. Enough "do you like it" nightmares! I never wanted to perform on stage.

There's the little conforming non-conformists with black dyed hair and rock-n-roll clothes, beaded belts and studs. Why haven't those ugly cat eye glasses gone out of style? What's with the chick with Henna on her hands wearing a shirt made out of scarves?

There goes one of the town's many drunks stumbling up to the stage platform to play the blues after having jeered and booed everyone from the charter school kid with the violin to the guy who played "too punk" for him. Incapable of uttering one coherent sentence, he at the age of 39 has claimed for himself coffee-house King status! Big Whoop!

There's that couple that can't stop kissing each other, they share each other's clothes and the boy side of the equation even borrows his girlfriend's lipstick. How did they not get thrown out of the ultra-conservative college down the street? Robert Smith has come back to life 15 years later. Does the Cure still even play anymore?

There's some guy I think that works here, with his fuzzy light socket hair from the 1970s. Why does he keep disappearing for extended periods into the back room with a few of the regulars? Does smoking cigarettes really take that long? He still wears peace sign patches on his jacket and has made heroes out of all the 1960s revolutionaries. When did he miss the memo that they all sold out to be rich 1980s yuppies?

One dude gets up on stage to rant about the government from time to time but remains totally uninformed. He's right about some things and wrong about others. His eyes glaze over every-time you get deeper then the most superficial. He seems like an odd combination of David Icke follower married to a Rush Limbaugh listener. He will tell you about UFOs but then in the next breath tell you Bush was a better president.

Here comes another libertarian, rural ***** seems to breed them like rabbits. They worship big business and think the free market will save us all. Ayn Rand worshippers one and all. They all seem to have money and land from Ma and Pa's defunct farm and stay busy fighting the man over their desire to cancel all welfare and disability, their right to smoke a bong in the middle of the town square unhindered and allow factory farms and trash dumps to choose whatever real estate they want to destroy.

As the world teeters on the edge of collapse they spend gleeful hours cleaning their arsenals and screwing around with Ham radios. It would never occur to them Alex Jones is probably bought and paid for too. Some seem to be impatient for Mad Max days to being as soon as possible, Maybe I'd be a prepper too if I could afford it, but without money, there's no generator in my back room or a year's worth of food on my shelves.

Time to get another cup of coffee.....

Glass Beads

Here are some glass beads I got at a sale. I used to make jewelry on and off--just some beads on a string, and in college where the class included metal working but thought I could put together a few nice necklaces with these.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Why Do They Believe the Narcissists?

It's a question I've asked for years. My mother was always believed. Friendships and family relationships are utterly destroyed because of the lies of a narcissist. Even if you have witnesses in front of the face of some flying monkeys backing you up that so and so happened, for some reason so many people give the narcissists the benefit of the doubt and won't believe you. It was devastating to me to have a supposed friend not believe anything I told her. The other day others in the mix, backed me up and with them I had some validation, that this person was extremely toxic. It wasn't just me. In this case the person even caught the person in some lies and STILL believed them over me and one other person. It boggles my mind how easily some are fooled. I have seen many narcissists who exhibit extreme charm. A few get found out when they discard and devalue because there is no horse in that race for them but even that is rare. Charm is something social predators specialize in, and are good at. They can put on the smile and appear even "harmless" to lure the flies into the spider web.

Autism and Girls

Everything's a Competition in America

                                          [picture source]

Dog eat dog.

Law of the jungle

Eat or be Eaten

King and Queen of the Mountain

Hunger Games Brainwashing

This is the reason that so many of our high schools are run like the high school in the movie Heathers, where the "winner" kids openly abuse the kids they consider "losers". Think about it, what is all the bullying centered in? Getting over.

Everything is about measuring up, and if you come up short, then watch out! The narcissists thrive on this stuff, and they don't play to win, they CHEAT to win and often do! The competition and achievement queens put narcissists on pedestals if they are not already one themselves.

Everything's a Competition in America

Will Fat Logic Get on The Clue Bus?

I won't hold my breathe.

Their whole life is invested in calling fat people liars but then most of them are the "useful" idiots for the powers that be, who are using obesity as another weapon against the populace.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Real Friends

Thank God for my real friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin and poverty and serious health problems and didn't expect me to slap a fake smile on my face to please them. One thing with the real true friends, is you don't have to be someone else to please them, you can be YOU. I love my real friends.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Trying to Decide To Stay Or Move?

                                   [picture source]

Having my walker stolen the other day was the tip of the iceberg. This is a community that is very affluent next to a teeming ghetto where you take your life in your hands to enter it. Yes it is as bombed out as Ferguson is probably looking now and it has burned out buildings all over the place. I live in the richer part but may soon get priced out since our rent goes up higher every year. The cheaper grocery store is actually outside the border of the ghetto area but close enough to be sketchy. I learned how sketchy it was, when some ingrates and slime decided to steal a woman's old walker instead of giving it to the store to hold on for me to get it back. It makes no sense why steal something like that? It is old and beaten up. They probably can't even get 50 bucks for it. Add them to the stupid criminal files. 

 One thing I learned living and working in the inner city, is make one mistake, and there is no forgiveness in such a place. We made an error, and Whoosh the walker was gone.  No one talks about what it is like to deal with a place like that. Some wealthy liberals will scream at you for not being politically correct for even admitting that life is cheap in some places, and some wealthy conservatives will scream at you for being a "loser" that didn't get a high paying enough job. I even avoided going to that grocery store for years because the neighborhood it was next to gave me flashbacks to some of my worse days working and living in the inner city but cheap food and being able to feed two people on 60 bucks a week, got me to go over there. 

Living here for 8 years has been hard.  It's like life went to hell after we moved here for husband to have a job as a copy ad writer for an advertising agency and they threw him out after three months. We are considering moving but for now, I have not made the decision YES or NO. I want to make a rational decision. I may consider disabled housing and have to research where the "best" is in my state and there is even one here that may work.  Paying two-thirds of my check for expensive rent is tough. Sometimes I think I need to move to feel hope again, and yes I know the dangers of thinking geographical cures will "fix everything". However when I escaped a big city for my small rural town, I got some happier years so sometimes they do work. 

This community is a strange place. It does have it's positives. It offers a lot of good medical care--I even have a charity dentist, the hospital is highly rated, good scenic views and nice libraries but socially it has been hellish for me.  Culturally as a poor disabled woman I do not fit in with either side of the divide here. 

I am open to befriending anyone but neighborhoods that give me flashbacks are not cool.  The crime rate is skyrocketing. Things are looking grotty as hell outside of the rich areas, empty store fronts proliferating even in middle class areas. American is going down the crapper, some of us are seeing it right in front of our eyes. The prices are very high here, though I know of other places that are even more expensive. Of course that probably can't be escaped anywhere. 

I want to escape back to rural America or a very small town for safety and to feel COMMUNITY and AT HOME again but then what do you do when you need a variety of medical specialists? The hospital here looked like a set of Star Trek compared to my old rural town's hospital. When you are poor, even an hour commute to a doctor may not be doable. In small places there is no work, or far less of it for husband. Some of his free-lance is locally based. We'd have to replace some of that. 

 My walker being stolen is not the only thing that has happened to me here. I got followed at a sketchy gas station once when I was alone, I had this guy jump off the bus and start screaming at me and tried to attack me where I went running into a store to escape him. If we lose our car, I will be forced into the dangerous side of town here, for shopping and transportation. 

There are places I am afraid to go to and wisely. On the other side, the rich yuppies have tortured me and not helped my self esteem with their constant emphasis on achievement and "goals" and judging me in "not progressing" or "moving on". Their view of a woman who has been sans career outside of some volunteer work and personal art projects and blog writing is very low. We tried to make it work many times and did have some good experiences but it seems everything folds down. We don't relate to each other's lives. Many people here have lived here since they were born and have huge family networks. The immediate community does have a reputation for snobbery. We even had one friend move here to be closer to a job who left, saying he couldn't take how the people were. I regretted our move here, in the very first month and almost ended up leaving my husband to go back to my old town a few years in. My hope back then was to get him to move to where I was. Yes I know my family history and other problems made that move far more painful, and in some ways I never got over it. 

 Many people are kind but then you remain in the "pitied" category you are not viewed as an equal or potential friend or you end up with a project friend.  They all seem to live in giant fancy suburban houses, where everything is new and neat and I can't even imagine how they got their jobs or money, since it seems the work-world is run like the Lotto, and no one is ever going to offer my husband a real job that would pay the bills. He makes equal to minimum wage already working at home but you know with a college education and being a past assistant editor at a small town newspaper shouldn't there be something more out there for him? This is economic in nature too. As I have written the worse thing about poverty isn't the going without, but the stigma, the cutting off, the isolation. I know things went worse with my family because of it too. 

We don't have money to move and I physically don't have the stamina to pull it off. Sometimes we do have fun here, I hang out at the nature center, go to museums and do find fun things to do in the area, that are cheap when the weather is good, but you sometimes do think "Did I move to the wrong place?", "Why is it so hard to make friends here?" It's always hard for an Aspie, but some places are harder. Here too I ask is it me getting older and with less stamina?

 One thing I have always written here, is I always have moved too much. We made a grand error trying to vie for the middle class in coming here. You get old and don't want to keep starting over, but we worry because finding friends here is so hard. Growing old and feeling lonelier sucks. We do feel isolated. In my case I do not agree with their outlooks on life which can be find for people who can disagree with friends but not with people who seem to want to shove you into their mold and find you wanting if you fail. I even miss what seemed to me, to be the FREER conversation in my old small town. People would talk to one another. I know that sounds odd. Consider too how fat I am and how that can be a detrimental "class marker" among the second vacation home and new car every year set. 

It's good I and my husband have each other, but one thing I have always wanted is a place to belong to. A place where someone knows my name. These feelings even tie in with my decision to depart from the church where I felt I couldn't be me and was stuck talking about the weather for the past year, feeling like the most mild comments would bring outrage. At least in my old small town while there were a few yuppy types, there were others who faced economic challenges who didn't judge you for them. My husband doesn't want to move back there. The town did die, many friends died, and other things closed. Medically they couldn't give me the degree of care I need but you do find yourself thinking, "Where is home?" and "How did I miss out on that too"? I felt like that place was "home" but this one I'm not feeling it. I still have to think this one out. I don't know what we are going to do yet. Right now I may have to sit and rest and ponder things. I don't want to make drastic decisions and have a lease to honor for now but will be making some decisions soon.  At least the apartment is nice and quiet. However you do confront your life and think "What do I do now?". 

My Walker Got Stolen

It pours when it rains does it not? You know you are in a bad neighborhood when your old walker gets stolen.  We went to buy cheaper food at a local market next to the ghetto. My husband accidentally leaves my walker standing by the car when I rolled it to the back of the van and we drove away. I thought he had put inside the car! Maybe we are both going senile from stress!

Anyhow we went back to get it and it was gone! Some people stole it within 5 minutes of it being left! Talk about those without a conscience! What next stealing someone's crutches or motorized wheelchair? Robert Putnam of the book "Bowling Alone" would call this a failed community with lack of social cohesion. I learned my lesson, no more going to the "bad" part of town for cheaper groceries. We may get mugged down there next.

There is a sense of violation when getting robbed that is hard to describe, it brings burning anger inside. This is not the first time I have gotten robbed, one of my boarding houses was broken into the one day the house dog was away at the vet, that guy stole everything he could get his hands on. That included my bead collection and jewelry I made in college. Others in another city tried to rob me but failed. There are many times I escaped with my wits and sheer luck, but here losing situational awareness due to the combination of stress, and overtaxed lungs due to growing heat where I bordered on being housebound, was a bad combination.

 The wheel is ready to break too so they may get theirs when it breaks off and they tumble over. I was thinking of retiring it but wanted to get the most complete use out of the walker because my insurance only pays for one every 5 years. I had a new one waiting to be used Thank God. I actually taped a sign on our dashboard, "Did you remember to put the walker in the car"? so this does not happen again. The Diet Pepsi is my husband's, I can't even drink that stuff without getting acid reflux.

Crushing Weight: Jacob's Story

Was Jacob tested for Prader-Willi or a Lymphatic condition? How about Momo Syndrome? His head is extremely extremely large. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MOMO_syndrome

I am glad he could get 200 off, but I hope that will last. It worries me they seem to ignore finding the root cause and always take someone running to WLS. He obviously has serious metabolic issues. My worry is that his metabolism will drop. I hope he can maintain in the 500s, but that is a hard place to be. This distresses me when you see someone that has some type of obvious rare illness bringing severe obesity and the answer is WLS.They need to explore the root cause and while he should do what he can in healthy eating and exercise, he has something beyond what a "healthy lifestyle" is going to fix. 

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Totally Evil Comments

I had worried about it being found but made an error where it could have been found by you know who. I just got three very evil comments sent to me. They are so evil, I can't even post them here but have saved them in spam. I got tired of being afraid and don't regret writing what I did on this blog.

If someone else is playing games, then that sucks too. If you are an ACON whose egg donors or sperm donor found your blog, please come talk to me here. She or he called me "Loser Scum" and "delusional" and said very horrible things pertaining to my brother. If it is her, she is just proving what I wrote here. Yes she has. She's proven it. The veil got ripped off for me more times then once and now could be another one of those times. Writing like a hell-bound demon on her estranged daughter's blog if this is her, is not helping to make any case for herself if this is really her.

She's making my case for me.

Monday, June 8, 2015

ACONS and Church: "Don't Protect the Guilty Please"

"Don't Protect the Guilty Please"

Church can sometimes be a hard place for an ACON. I've had good times and bad ones in churches. One church became a real church family to me where I attended for many years. They would visit me when I was ill and offered real help to each other. I could have deep theological discussions with them and still have 10 of them on my social website, almost 10 years since moving away. Leaving that church due to having to move was not easy. Later the church would close which was even sadder to me.  However I have spent some time outside of churches too. I am on the fence even with the church I have been attending for about a year. Many of the people seem "nice" but have stayed strangers outside of one elderly widow who has been kind to me and even she lives a whole hour away. There are the services but really no chance to get to know anyone outside of them.  I just am not feeling "connected" to anyone and still don't know anyone's name. I feel like I'd horrify them opening my mouth about anything and like I don't really "fit".

While my former church was a poor, rural church, this one is far more middle class, and "proper". I made my rounds of the churches here and well, the prosperity gospel ruled in many places. Among the "good" church people I feel lost among them.  Perhaps others have felt the same way. While judgment of sound doctrine and other matters in life can be a good thing, surely some ACONs have had this feeling of being seen as a "lesser" among the "good" people set or being judged wrongly.

In the present church, I made the mistake once of asking for prayers during a prayer service, for feeling sad and hopeless about my declining health, and could tell there were some "clucked tongues" and sideways glances.  One church member gave me a book called "God is in control".  Theologically I thought, "God is not the author of evil". Maybe they saw me as a "complainer" like the false friend too.  I zipped my lip after that. Can you imagine telling any one of these people my real background? They probably would think I have crawled out of hell itself. Their lives are rich with good jobs, loving families and nice homes. While some have had troubles, they have faced them bravely and all overcame them and "moved on".

So I could be churchless soon. I think God will understand. Some out there believe we are to come out of Babylon and Babylon has taken over a lot of places!

One thing if you are an ACON and Joan touches on this, there can be many false spiritual messages that hurt ACONs in the church world.  The false preacher saying that if you are not blessed, you are not in God's will, is wrong.  He also was wrong to say that one's life is under their total control. The prosperity gospel really has infiltrated the churches even if your church may even officially renounce it. I have seen that preaching too, that if you obey God you will be blessed by him. Too many see God as an ATM machine.  This is having a "You scratch my back", I'll scratch yours approach" to the Almighty Himself. This is a narcissistic approach to God.

One can see an attitude among the "good" church people, that anyone who has suffered must have done something to deserve it. People really believe out there more and more if you have a severe illness or other troubles, that there is something inherently "bad" about you and you bought your own trouble. New Age lies like the "Secret" have infiltrated the churches.  This is not in scripture but with false prosperity gospel and more it has grown more intense. Also the false right wing politics and Republican party has helped with this too, with Fox news telling especially among the evangelical contingent that poor people have failed characters and do not work hard and that is why they are poor. Here the poor are scapegoated on a societal wide scope and many churches have become enablers of this. No one is calling out the greedy or demanding that employers pay just wages.

John 9:3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

Some will tell you due to your never-ending troubles, it must be something wicked you did or are doing. They will offer deliverance. Now deliverance isn't always a bad thing but for an ACON it can be place of abuse, as you are told, that your life troubles are your own doing and based in your "inherent wickedness". Here legalists and others can open the door to spiritual abuse especially for an ACON and sadly they join the chorus of our narcissist parents and others who say, "It's all your fault!" or "You did this and that wrong!". If you are an ACON, be very, very careful in seeking support or counseling anywhere in the church system or even the secular world for that matter. Realize if you are a Christian, your relationship with God is your own. Spiritual abuse is growing out there.

Sadly I have seen too often churches where the poor and otherwise down and out aren't too welcome. There is no way I can afford a tithe and they wrest an Old Testament book of Malachi to demand their 10 percent cut and yes the pastors know who is paying and who is not. There is pressure upon the poor in most churches. Here they guilt you too in some churches telling you if you don't give God "his seed money" and decide to pay for some rent and groceries instead that you are wicked person and "won't be blessed".

Some Christians have left the church system all together, and well, one can see why. More and more the churches have become voices of the establishment and in a wicked world where the establishment is narcissistic, you see narcissistic attitudes. Job himself, would be loath to approach the churches who would tell him just like his friends, that he did wicked things to deserve his misfortunes. [Job 4]

 Just imagine Jesus Christ coming back among many of the places today, they'd get ready to crucify Him again. How many people sit in churches today being told like I was two weeks ago being told that veterans are "fighting for our freedom" in the Middle East? How did so many miss the news memo of years past that Bush lied? I still remember the other church I visited on Memorial Day, where they showed a video of marching armies, and bombers streaming across the sky up on the Jumbo screen above the pulpit and thought "What does this have to do with the gospel?" Spiritually I wanted to throw up. I am not a pacifist but I felt like the "god" being worshipped was Mars the god of war more then the God of the Bible.

The entire society has Stockholm Syndrome and too many of the churches are enablers to the system and defend the endless wars, and oppression of the poor. The wicked become defended. Smakintosh did the one video where one preacher told people to "hug their vampires". We are taught false forgiveness as many including him and other ACONs have warned against. We are told time and time again we are the wicked ones while the truly wicked get nothing but excuses. Victim blaming rules while worship of the powerful and narcissistic seems to reign supreme. While scripture warns us in Psalms that the wicked will prosper, these people teach the exact opposite.

Psalm 73: 3For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. 4For there are no bands in their death: but their strength is firm.
 5They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men.

A pastor doing prison ministry who doesn't understand the nature of evil, is ineffective beyond measure. Sure some were oppressed or falsely accused, or rail-roaded into jail under laws that grow more oppressive, but among the maximum security set, where murder, rape and drug dealing are the crimes of choice, a pastor who doesn't understand evil is wasting his time. Sure some can be born again and hear the gospel but in his defense of a sick and growing more wicked society, in many cases he will only add oppression to the prisoners and not a message of freedom in Jesus Christ.

People who defend the system, in my book are missing something. If someone can not discern even from a Christian mindset that our world is in big time spiritual trouble or the wicked are ruling this place, that worries me.  If they start defending politicians and banks watch out the brainwashing has taken hold. There is way too much protection of the bad guys.