I feared this happening.
His health isn't the best. You can see abuse in the bad health of all three of us, but since he got the second tier abuse, it shows in his body. He denied it all and choose to ignore it instead unlike me. I didn't make contact with the Mini-Me or Queen to find this out but found out this week directly from him. Well I let my husband pick up the phone after endless frantic phone calls and one message where I saw the message line. I thought someone had died. He told me he is afraid of dying. Some may think I am wrong to break no contact with him but I knew something was wrong just wasn't sure yet. I was always conflicted about him as I wrote before.
He needs a triple heart bypass. Given his history this is a more dangerous surgery. I always had the most feelings for my brother out of the family, he at least talked to me but the Queen Spider always sought to lure him away from me. I haven't seen him in 5-6 years. Of course I am wondering why him? You know I am. There is no money or stamina to go see him. The curse of poverty you know isn't the lack of shopping but the destroyed relationships via no money to go anywhere and see anyone.
Of course he told me, my mother will be going down there to see him pronto. I suppose of the day of the surgery. This makes me feel ill. She does have more "attachment" to him if you can call it that. Some of you may think I gave into hoovering and more but if someone is about to die, and he is one that at least talked to me a bit, it's a bit different. I am of course upset about it all.
Oh my, I really don't know what to say. I can imagine your feelings on this and it must feel terrible. I know your brother wouldn't bring his kids to see you, and he wouldn't take the time to see you when he has the resources. He's invalidated your feelings. There really isn't anything you can do, its interesting he called you though. Since Queen Spider will be crawling around, it will be hard anyway, despite you having resources to see him or not. I think you must take care of yourself first.
ReplyDeleteHi Joan, thanks for understanding. Yeah he wouldn't come see me and I still don't understand why. He was less then 60 miles away [living 400 away] and refused at the behest of my mother who wanted to hog all his time and attention. I still don't get why he would not see me. He had the money. Yes he has invalidated my feelings too. I was surprised he called me to tell me. I can't make it down there, even a 2 hour trip is nearly impossible on me physically and this is an 8 hour one. 24 hours on Greyhound doesn't cut it and our car is too old and there's no gas or hotel money. I will talk to him before he has surgery but it is sad. Yes the Queen Spider will be crawling about. I know I will have to take care of myself too.
DeleteEven if you were able to travel there, based on my own experience I'd say the damage outweighs the benefits. Even if the person in question is "acceptable" to make contact with, it does matter who else will be there.
ReplyDeleteLast year, my uncle (mother's brother) died in an accident. The last few years I had quietly gone NC with him and his wife and kids: I didn't announce it, but simply "disappeared". My opinion of him is that he was shallow, materialistic, primarily concerned with his own image and social status. He was a shady businessman type, always looking to make money without too much regard as to the means. Still, I don't think he was actively malicious or out to destroy people. So when I got notified that he died, I thought of not going (mainly because I knew my MN brother would be there), but in the end I couldn't bring myself to refuse. I thought it too cruel to my uncle. I thought, "He deserves that much human dignity."
I went to the wake and to the funeral, most of the time there watching out to dodge my own parents and brother. What little contact with them I couldn't avoid, left me almost physically sick. Yet the most informative experience came from my uncle's wife. She had attacked me several times before, so I knew that in "normal" times she was to be avoided. After the funeral, like one hour after her own husband was buried, she says to me "So, did you greet your mother?" with a sneer. My NC with my parents was always a source of amusement to her, and now it was plain. And the timing... if I wasn't sure she is a psychopath before, this was the ultimate proof. There is no way I will ever have anything to do again with that woman.
So, I broke NC for that one, and came out of it determined not to break it again. I imagine if you do make contact with your brother now, even just on the phone or such, you may come to a similar conclusion.
Take care.
Thanks for warning me. I can't travel there. Just not enough money and very old car and even Greyhound wants you in the bus for almost an entire day, which for me means extreme physical pain and ending up in the ER most likely then not. I can't fly due to physical problems either or money. Yes I feel some guilt, this reminds me when I missed my grandmother's funeral.
DeleteI agree it does matter who else would be there. I know my mother would come first and I would be an adjunct to it all.
Sorry about your uncle. I just "disappeared" with many of the family members. Outside of my brother most had nothing to do with me. He actually I don't think even noticed I was missing because our contact was so minimal but it was far more then the other relatives. As you know I am conflicted about him and still care about him but he has voted on the side of my mother many times.
My brother has some narc traits, that worry me but he is no malicious or malignant so understand your thoughts about your uncle completely. I know I face some guilt now even writing this, but sadly it was true at the time:
http://fivehundredpoundpeeps.blogspot.com/2015/02/fooled-by-my-brother.html
I even said to him, I am sick, you have health problems, we should see each other but got no where. It makes me cry knowing my mother has seen him all these times, but then relationships are supposed to go two ways, aren't they? I find myself asking "Why"? [that one ex-friend never could understand the pain I have gone through]
I am even asking myself what will I do if the worse happens? I was close to my brother for many years before distance and my mother got in the way. I know I could be facing the same decision very soon. It will be a tough one. This was someone who was a very important part of my life for many years. I want to thank you for warning me for what I could face. Some drama could be created, she may even try to block me from the services. Yes his wife does sound like a sociopath, her husband is dead and there she is.
I find myself scared for him even with her abusive being around him. I can see her saying "You got what you deserved", and other mean things. I've seen her emotionally abusing other ill people. Maybe she will reign it in. I hope so.
The Mini-Me doesn't care about or even love my brother. she doesn't love anyone. My mother probably will be bringing in the narc supply.
I know I have to be cautious, even protecting myself from being hurt. This makes it all so complicated.