Tuesday, June 23, 2015

She Showed Up At My Door

                                                    [picture source]
My mother showed up at my door yesterday.

I had been sick that morning with the breathing problems I mentioned in a comment. Sometimes if the weather bounces around a lot my COPD goes to town and it did that morning. When my COPD gets bad or my breathing is off, my swelling and pain gets worse. I could breathe after some lung medicine. So I was trying to cook lunch at 3pm after spending too much of the morning in bed.

 I was making stir fry so I was making two meals at once, lunch for yesterday and tommorow, chicken breast pieces lightly breaded with green peppers, onions, carrots, chili sauce and soy sauce to be served over rice. Usually we eat sandwiches and/or  soup but since it was such a late meal I was making it more hearty and made something lighter for dinner.

 My kitchen was trashed and so was my apartment. We keep the trash going out and the dishes done, but my apartment needs serious heavy cleaning it has not been able to get in years. I am frustrated by this. I try to clean up little bits and pieces and filled three trashbags this weekend of papers to be gotten rid of but it's like taking a bucket to the ocean. I'm having a hard time cleaning it and have fantasies about finding someone to give me real help. They wouldn't give me a cleaning aide due to me having a husband.

So it's 3pm and there is a call from our foyer, my husband goes out and I suppose he opened the door and they came in, and he walked in but didnt let them in right away but it was my mother and niece. This is the niece I had email contact with. What did I do and was partially in shock.  I stood there with flour on me, a big pan of the cooking chicken and another pan of stir frying vegetables, in a purple shift, and they are at the door. My husband comes in the door, and says to me, "Your mother and niece are in the hall", and the door is opened part way. I have to make a decision quick. I haven't seen my niece in THREE years.

I tell my husband to tell them, "My niece can come in, but not her." and he goes and tells them and so my niece comes in but not my mother. I don't even let my mother cross the threshhold and ignore her.  My mother stays silent and goes back out to the car. I do not even talk or look at her. She goes back without saying a word which surprises me.

I have a visit with my niece, and it goes well, though she does see my messy apartment and I take a few minutes to put a more decent outfit on and tell my husband to shove the partially cooked chicken and veggies in the oven and to unplug the rice cooker. I am thankful for the hour I get with her, while my mother gets weeks and weeks. She is a very sweet soon to be 15 year old, and likes me and I care deeply about her too.

My niece may have been the one to ask to stop by. She knows where I live. My mother would have been picking her up from my sister's house or a midway point, and my town is right off the way there and back.  I don't know if this is something my mother planned using my niece as a pawn. Trust me when I was in full contact, I would beg to see my nieces and nephews more often so my sister and mother never were forthcoming with my contact with them and as I wrote before my final break came with my sister when I realized she was keeping me away from them.

I wanted to focus on my niece and asked her questions about school, her hobbies and more which is what I did for the majority of the visit, but I am trying to cram what should have been years worth of visits into ONE HOUR. Today I feel like crying dealing with the emotions of being so far away for too long. My sister has children she doesn't even appreciate and doesn't seem connected to whatsoever.  I was denied the opportunity to be a good aunt for so many years outside sending cards and emails and how my own lack of financial means made things even worse. The true cost of poverty isn't the things you can't buy but the people you are cut away from.

 I pray everyday this niece stays a good person with a conscience and that she does not become like them. Of course I worry about the influences two or three weeks at my mother's house will give her. I will be no contact in 5 days for two years, so the whole thing was rather strange. I don't know if seeing her from 15 feet away through a partially open door but saying nothing is "considered" contact. If my mother is reading this blog, her endless coldness and inability to have ever talked anything out before things got to this point stand out. What did she expect?

No contact isn't always easy. I know it gave me less contact with the nieces and nephews. She could be using her as a pawn or simply gave in to her wishes to stop by a mile off the highway. I don't know. I'm glad I saw her. I talked to my mother's husband too, who seemed amendable and told him I had no hard feelings with him.


  1. How utterly disrespectful. How absolutely typically "Gotcha" (the game most preferred by CBs) is this? "Well, you wanted to see her so HERE, I delivered her AND ME right to your doorstep." (Harrumph) Two years pass and she shows up on your threshold expecting what-for you to simply open the door and invite all of them in?! These people are bat shyte.
    I'm so sorry, Peep. I truly am. This is such an overt "Screw you" I can barely contain myself so I'll leave.
    Have a good day-

  2. I agree one hundred percent with Tundra Woman. I consider what your false mother did to be nothing less than emotional abuse, using a minor as a pawn. I'm proud of you Peep. The way you handled this entire, stink bomb situation took TREMENDOUS COURAGE!

    1. Thank you Smakintosh. I hate seeing my niece used as a pawn it is not fair to her. It was emotional abuse. One thing I notice about my mother is she takes every true emotion I have--you know ones of any kindness and love and twists them on me. Fear for my brother using that to stab me in the heart with her would be cruel posts here and now love for the niece, trying to use that. I hope the niece stays sweet. It scares me that she has to spend so much time with her. I hope and pray she will see through her. Thanks for saying I had courage. I appreciate it. :)

  3. Yes it was disrespectful. I felt like I was being set up. She may have hoped I'd lose it and yell at her in front of my niece so she would take her to her house and tell her, "See I told you that Aunt Peep was crazy!"

    . I am sure there will be rude comments about me not being dressed at 3pm and how messy the apt was. Yes she wanted to take me by surprise using the niece as a pawn, the niece I am closest to, well as close as I can be being kept away so much. Even if the niece asked to visit, she could have given me some notice.

    Why does she have to HOG everyone? Two years pass and she expects me to suck it up and say nothing and let her in so everything will be as it was before. I think that was her game. She is so invested in never taking responsibility or ever feeling any remorse she will keep playing games. I think my niece is smart enough to know something is very wrong with the way I am treated. Maybe she is asking herself inside why does Aunt Peep live in such poverty while my grandmother lives in this giant nice house? I sure hope so. She is smart enough to know something is off.

    Yes it was rude. I fear for my niece and I am praying for her. Even the Mini-Me is avoiding visits to my mother, sending her children willfully into the wolf's den which makes me want to throw up too. Why would you send your OWN children to a place you don't even want to go. She stopped coming with her children on the visits years ago even before I went NC. My sister doesn't have a job, so she had no work responsibilities keeping her home.

    I don't think even she has been in my mother's house since 2011 but I don't know for sure being gone. Yeah it was a big "Screw you". I got the feeling my mother's husband thinks something is wrong too now but he is staying out of it. Yes this was a Screw You. I remember the years and days asking to see her while still in contact. I am worried for her and what may be told her. I also do not want them to hurt her one day.

  4. I was glad to see niece but even there is that show of "power" and "control". Kind of like "HA HA, you will only see her when I decide you do". [Praying to God to change my financial status so I have a few more options, so tired of people being kept away from me that I care about]

  5. Wow. I'm really glad you had the clear sight to see straight through that one, too. Sounds like you dealt with her in the best way possible. I'm sorry you had so little time with your niece - it sounds like you two could have a really positive bond if it had the chance to flourish. I hope you can stay in touch with your niece and write/email a lot.

    1. I think we could have a positive bond too if given time and if I didn't live so far away. I fear for her. I think they have chosen her as the next scapegoat. :( I plan to stay in touch with her as much a possible.

  6. I think you handled it well. I'm glad you got to spend even that little time with your niece. Generally, I would distrust anyone who is in contact with the narcissists, and avoid contact with them as well; but this is more ambiguous in the case of children/minors, or even young adults. When I went No Contact with my uncle and aunt, I was kinda torn about my 20-something cousins. I am still open to talking to them, should the opportunity arise... but I'm not holding my breath. After all I recognized they would awalys be under far greater influence from their parents and "loyal" members of my FOO, than from me. In fact, by the time I went NC my relationships with them were pretty much destroyed, or had never existed in the first place. So, in my heart I have (mostly) let them go.

    I hope your niece sees the dysfunction in your family and maintains at least a healthy disposition towards you. Even better, a functioning relationship. On the other hand, as has been pointed out, your mother did now use her as a pawn, as a possible ticket to get herself into your house, and as a source of information on you. The mere fact that they spend time together cannot mean anything good. You may want to be careful about how much you share with your niece at this time.

    I can relate my own experience of this sort. About two years ago, my father showed up at my door. He came to my apartment building and rang my bell at the entrance. I never let him in, I didn't even let him say anything; I just spoke to him on the intercom a total of two sentences: "I don't want to see you. Go away right now, or I'm calling the police." Then I hung up. I meant it - if he had still been there a few minutes later, I would've called the cops. Fortunately, he left immediately. He hasn't come by since - well, at least not that I've seen.

    He was alone, and he most probably came doing my mother's bidding. She is the dominant narc, and he is essentially just her puppet. Since I went NC, she has repeatedly tried using him to lure me back in, obviously hoping I would fall for him being the "nicer" one. Well, the key here was understanding that he really is no better than her. Again, when it is a young person that's being used as bait, this tends to be more complicated.

    I wish you all the best.

    1. Thanks anon, I agree about those in contact with narcs, I think she needs someone in her life who isn't. I understand being torn about cousins. I went NC from uncles children but I am a stranger with them. Two refused to befriend me on Facebook anyhow. One I may be okay with contact. He does seem nice but again we barely know each other. I hope you can work things out in your case.

      It is true many of the young people are under greater influence from the narcs. It can be very sad for us. Sorry for your lost relationships. I hope they do not succeed in turning her against me and she keeps a conscience and realizes that people can become poor or disabled through no fault of their own. Hopefully she has had good teachers and kind friends to give her other views of life and alternatives.

      I am worried too that she is spending so much time with my mother. After all her brother isn't visiting anymore and he is only acouple years older. I don't know how much choice she had in the planning. Sorry about your father coming to your door and him being dominated by your mother that's hard. Yes he is older and it's a different matter. Too many enablers out there.

      Thanks for your comment too. I am glad you stood up for yourself too.