She Showed Up At My Door

                                                    [picture source]
                           
My mother showed up at my door yesterday.

I had been sick that morning with the breathing problems I mentioned in a comment. Sometimes if the weather bounces around a lot my COPD goes to town and it did that morning. When my COPD gets bad or my breathing is off, my swelling and pain gets worse. I could breathe after some lung medicine. So I was trying to cook lunch at 3pm after spending too much of the morning in bed.

 I was making stir fry so I was making two meals at once, lunch for yesterday and tommorow, chicken breast pieces lightly breaded with green peppers, onions, carrots, chili sauce and soy sauce to be served over rice. Usually we eat sandwiches and/or  soup but since it was such a late meal I was making it more hearty and made something lighter for dinner.

 My kitchen was trashed and so was my apartment. We keep the trash going out and the dishes done, but my apartment needs serious heavy cleaning it has not been able to get in years. I am frustrated by this. I try to clean up little bits and pieces and filled three trashbags this weekend of papers to be gotten rid of but it's like taking a bucket to the ocean. I'm having a hard time cleaning it and have fantasies about finding someone to give me real help. They wouldn't give me a cleaning aide due to me having a husband.

So it's 3pm and there is a call from our foyer, my husband goes out and I suppose he opened the door and they came in, and he walked in but didnt let them in right away but it was my mother and niece. This is the niece I had email contact with. What did I do and was partially in shock.  I stood there with flour on me, a big pan of the cooking chicken and another pan of stir frying vegetables, in a purple shift, and they are at the door. My husband comes in the door, and says to me, "Your mother and niece are in the hall", and the door is opened part way. I have to make a decision quick. I haven't seen my niece in THREE years.

I tell my husband to tell them, "My niece can come in, but not her." and he goes and tells them and so my niece comes in but not my mother. I don't even let my mother cross the threshhold and ignore her.  My mother stays silent and goes back out to the car. I do not even talk or look at her. She goes back without saying a word which surprises me.

I have a visit with my niece, and it goes well, though she does see my messy apartment and I take a few minutes to put a more decent outfit on and tell my husband to shove the partially cooked chicken and veggies in the oven and to unplug the rice cooker. I am thankful for the hour I get with her, while my mother gets weeks and weeks. She is a very sweet soon to be 15 year old, and likes me and I care deeply about her too.

My niece may have been the one to ask to stop by. She knows where I live. My mother would have been picking her up from my sister's house or a midway point, and my town is right off the way there and back.  I don't know if this is something my mother planned using my niece as a pawn. Trust me when I was in full contact, I would beg to see my nieces and nephews more often so my sister and mother never were forthcoming with my contact with them and as I wrote before my final break came with my sister when I realized she was keeping me away from them.

I wanted to focus on my niece and asked her questions about school, her hobbies and more which is what I did for the majority of the visit, but I am trying to cram what should have been years worth of visits into ONE HOUR. Today I feel like crying dealing with the emotions of being so far away for too long. My sister has children she doesn't even appreciate and doesn't seem connected to whatsoever.  I was denied the opportunity to be a good aunt for so many years outside sending cards and emails and how my own lack of financial means made things even worse. The true cost of poverty isn't the things you can't buy but the people you are cut away from.

 I pray everyday this niece stays a good person with a conscience and that she does not become like them. Of course I worry about the influences two or three weeks at my mother's house will give her. I will be no contact in 5 days for two years, so the whole thing was rather strange. I don't know if seeing her from 15 feet away through a partially open door but saying nothing is "considered" contact. If my mother is reading this blog, her endless coldness and inability to have ever talked anything out before things got to this point stand out. What did she expect?

No contact isn't always easy. I know it gave me less contact with the nieces and nephews. She could be using her as a pawn or simply gave in to her wishes to stop by a mile off the highway. I don't know. I'm glad I saw her. I talked to my mother's husband too, who seemed amendable and told him I had no hard feelings with him.