"You are being set up. You have been set up all your life, conditioned to try, try, try to stay in the game, and to fail in ways that bring Nsupply to the Ns in your family. Eventually, some of us don’t even need to be manipulated by our NMs to provide the source: we drop out of school, get involved with abusive, passive aggressive, or even narcissistic men, we get pregnant without marriage or we get married and have too many kids or we have them too close together; we get involved with drugs and/or alcohol, live marginal life styles, go on welfare, struggle for the barest necessities. And those of us who “make it”? I stood in an elevator in a hotel in Las Vegas with my NM after not seeing her for ten years: I was wearing a silk dress the same size I wore in high school, my hair had been professionally coiffed, my jewellery was real gold and diamonds. My mother said only three words to me “You’ve gotten fat.”
You are being set up. You have been set up all of your life. You have been conditioned not to achieve and succeed, but to fail in ways that give your NParents the greatest amount of Nsupply, whether from without or within. When you do poorly, when you are broke and hungry and on welfare so your kids can eat, your NParents not only get NSupply from others who sympathize with them about how lazy and shiftless and worthless you have become, they get NSupply from within because they feel superior to you. “Such good people,” their friends mutter as a scapegoat son is hauled away in handcuffs, “how sad for them that their son ended up a criminal…” Who is asking that “criminal” how he got to that point?"
I was set up...and so were you!
A life rule for ACONs, stay away from anyone who thinks they are SUPERIOR to you. I know I am still trying to work through the brainwashing that I had to attain the upper-middle class to be considered worthy as a person. Scapegoats are often set up for severe failure. You know that wedding I was not invited to from a few years ago? The cousin was marrying a multi-millionaire publisher whose father was a Stock Broker on Wall-Street. I wouldn't expect anyone to make book deals at the reception but imagine a writer like my husband getting to know someone like that?
The narcissists desire that we fail, so they look good compared to us. My family is busy setting up three new cousins for failure, and the rich ones with endless connections aren't even helping them get a simple mail room job that can help them move out of their parent's house. I know my mother fed on my poverty like a vampire. Even 15 years ago, she suddenly acted helpless when my husband applied for a government job at the same place she was showed a straight path into.
Some may say you can't blame narcissistic parents for all life failures, and this is true to a point. But one part of the career and "making it" world, is social connections. If someone is smear campaigning you behind the scenes, success is going to be harder to come by.
Young ACONs make financial independence your first priority.
That was the biggest curve my mother threw me. And until I fully understood that me failing brought her joy I was never going to break free from the prison she built in my head.
ReplyDeleteSorry you went through that Q. I understand that prison too and escaping from it. It is tough.
DeleteThe sabotage is endless. They do NOT want you to be successful no matter WHAT they say. I always felt as if I was walking in wet concrete when ever I was attempting to finish up another part of my degree program. They will withhold every kind of support imaginable AND place IEDs in your life road carefully timed to blow up at critical periods.
ReplyDeleteI clearly remember my CB "mother" saying to me at one point in my young adult life, "Oh TW, every time you get on track, the rug gets jerked out from under you!" (Smirk). It took me some time in NC to see WHO's hands were firmly attached to the end of that rug. At the time it made no sense to me as she had always used me for the Halo Effect.
N Supply trumps ALL other consideration. Your success doesn't fulfill the vulture in them any where as pleasurably as your failure. It took quite awhile to understand she did NOT want me to be successful in ANY way despite what her words conveyed; her behavior gave her away.
Peep, even your marriage angers her....really.
TW
I agree TW, it is sickening. My student teaching was destroyed. I tried to student teach away from home, but could not get a job to match the hours and my rented room for 150 dollars a month with no privacy fell through--people didn't care if I slept or not, so I had to move home to abuse, screaming and working 5-11 every night as a telemarketer while getting up at 7:30 am for school where I had to commute about 45 minutes. Imagine that schedule. Yes they withhold support when you need it. Mercurial. I remember the years of no support while I lived in poverty in Chicago. They place IEDs in your life and in your relationships. I was actually thinking about my life as an objective observer, and how I went through hell with such severe disabilities and Aspergers on top of it. Not one ounce of understanding or empathy. I almost died because of having her for a mother.
DeleteIt sounds like your mother was gloating. They love to do that. They feed on our pain like a vampire. Mine got high off her years of feeling "superior" to me. It is sick. I am glad you too figured out whose hands were attached to the end of that rug. Sure some will use you for halo and seek to ruin you behind the scenes. Mine planted IEDs in every family relationship there was.
I struggle you know with feelings of failure. The poverty is making me wake up everyday thinking why I couldn't have found some success in this world. I know that is an inheritance from her. It is something it will probably take some working through. I also know nothing would be good enough because even during my art teacher years, I was deemed a "loser" even back then when it appeared the world would be my oyster. Yes she revels in failure and I see the future set-ups for other family members. Yes the behavior angers her. Yes she hates all relationships I have had. She wanted me alone. She even sought to destroy friendships and hated the close friends I did end up with [I paid attention to that one from both her and Mini-Me] They had this sneaking smirking way of telling me I deserved no friends. I think my marriage angers her too. I agree with that. Both almost did not show up to my wedding. She threw poison bombs when he had his job lay-offs and sought to poison that well too.
They live and feed off people's miseries and want them to fail. These are the worse "mothers" anyone could have. I see the trail of ruined lives behind her. There's a reason all three of us are physically ill. They are vultures. Thanks TW
FreeSpirit3927 here again, for some reason I couldn't get blog name to post. I can relate to every word written here. Out of wedlock pregnancy in high school, inability to hold down a job (usually infested with narc bullies and butt kissers), inability to stick with college or apply myself, problems with alcohol (because it numbed the pain I didn't understand), C-PTSD, anger issues, anxiety disorder (flight or fight so strong I can't speak) Aspergers, tinnitus in my right ear, Avoidant Personality Disorder. And for years I blamed myself even though I knew something was wrong with my family. They provoke you in subtle sneaky ways and when you react normally and outwardly with rage to their HIDDEN crazy, YOU are seen as the one who is crazy. Then they whisper behind your back under the guise of "concern" to extended relatives and family acquaintances as a way of getting sympathy and saying "See how messed up SHE is and what WE have to endure?" Meanwhile, they get to continue with their batshit crazy while those around them are looking at the Scapegoat and they get a free pass to continue their merry way. My dad could see what a Nut Job my mother was, that's why he drank so much, but instead of blaming her for HER issues, he internalized them and then projected them ONTO ME, and to a lesser degree, my younger brother. He even gossiped about me to his work buddies! Meanwhile MNM was grooming my brother to be her Golden Child and the next King Narc after she's gone. He seemed to care about me until around the age of 18. Now at 43 he is just like her, Smug and Arrogant and I am the "crazy" one for abandoning my own family. He would repeat to her every single thing I said or did, esp if I did something "bad". It's so infuriating that they get away with their treachery. I guess the reason Jesus wouldn't let the angels pluck them up from the field was because He knew that if He allowed them to be destroyed it would also have destroyed us, those unfortunate souls born from this toxic weed breeding with and among real human beings. I am sorry for all the pain each of you has had to endure and I'm right here with you. I wouldn't wish this type of misery on anyone, (any human beings that is). Narcs are not human. They are evil spirits in human bodies
ReplyDeleteThanks Freepspirit.
DeleteSorry you had all those struggles. I know abuse can affect many life functioning skills. Many of my work places except for a few were narc rat nests. If one's boss was a decent sort--I had a few of those vs. having a narc, it made the work place different as night and day.
So sorry you faced severe health problems too.
Yes they provoke you and then "get you to react" so they can call you crazy even though your feelings of anger and the rest are normal.
I had to go with the default rule of "show no emotions" to them which is sad. One thing if a scapegoat stands against overt abuse, and it ends, don't take that for granted, they will just go covert. They won't insult you in front of others just when you are alone and will do more "sneaky" things to "get you" so that is one thing to warn of on here. The set ups will simply grow more sly.
Yes then they go and tell others how "concerned" they are while playing innocent. Who can win with that? I now know to watch out for ANYONE who plays that false concern game. I would always defend people saying, so and so has it hard, or they lost their job because the workworld is so cutthroat, but even sitting there I should have woken up and got away.
Yes this is how people are labeled and every scapegoat out there, is familiar with how that works. Then everything we say is not listened too, because supposedly we are the "crazy" ones. I know I have told myself time and time again they do not care. Sharing vulnerability with any narcs or narc family system is providing an opening for them to go on the attack.
It looks like your father took the easier route of projecting things on you. Sadly the more power a narc has, those who have less power will become the targets. The person may even angry at the narc but they will choose the other person to unload on.
Yes they groom many GCs to be the next king or queen narcs. One thing I have noticed with the generational narcdom, is they often grow in power as they age. Sorry your brother changed against you too. Reminds me what happened to my sister.
So many tares and weeds out there crowding out the wheat
I feel for your pain too and so sorry you have gone through the same things Free Spirit. :( Praying for you.
And, oh it's high time preachers of the real Gospel address this on-going one-up-primate-shatick that families play upon their children and siblings. Trotting out the account of Joseph and his hoodlum brothers, doesn't get it. Joseph's daddy loved him - and I don't recall anything in Scripture stating that Joseph's mom was less than loving. Gospel preachers need to know there's a lot of hurting people out here. To simply act happy-clappy does both the regenerate and unregenerate a terrible disservice.
ReplyDeleteI agree Sue. I think Joseph definitely had narc brothers. I suppose even some can arise in loving families. I agree about the hurting people. The happy-clappy stuff keeps things comfortable for the narcs so they never are called out on anything.
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