Thursday, February 5, 2015

Saying Goodbye to the Entire Family?

On here, I want to talk to ACONs who had to leave their entire family. Please join me in the comments. If you are an ACON who has had to walk away from the majority of your family or all of your family please come comment.

Some may think this is scorched earth territory and isn't that taking things a bit to the extreme? Sometimes I am even wondering why I am thinking this way but it's been on my mind. Really to be frank, I will not really be leaving relationships that exist in my life, it will be like a divorce where the spouse has already lived far away for years and where one only gets an occasional fake blasé card or letter.  It is a relationship in name only. I basically will be ending the charade. 

Everyone imagines an ideal family. Some cling on to romantic relationships hoping to change a person and that always ends up badly. Here I clung on to people who really did not want me around and had rejected me decades ago at the behest of my narcissistic mother. I know a severely obese, lippy Aspie may be a little harder to love to some, but part of my healing is knowing I deserve love and care from people in my life. Why settle for those who make me feel inferior every time I talk with them?

See the list above, in the picture? All of the above failed in my family for me. I never felt I belonged this may be related to my being a late discovery adoptee but it went even deeper. The second thing is the sense of control and having one's viewpoint heard. This never happened. I know my self esteem was hurt very badly too. This was a group of people I definitely felt hated among.

I even had this thought the other day, I can't afford to be around those anymore who cause me automatic self loathing that had filtered down from my sociopathic mother. I am really realizing at this late age, the extent of the damage done to me. I want something better. That's the plain and simple fact. I'm not going to grovel before people who treat me like I am nothing anymore. Even being alone will be better then that but I have my friends and husband.

For those who have read my blog, I know my healing has been very slower compared to others. There is a lot on my plate. I also think I have to remove myself from the whole sick web for full healing. Some bloggers who have overcome narcissistic families, are on to better and brighter futures. They have shut the door, and succeeded in re-finding themselves.  I have to do these things by my timing. I am praying daily to God for help.

In my case there are some other challenges. I shared some glimpses of how severe my abuse was but it was on the severe side of the scale. Therapists 10 years ago used to tell me I was the most severely abused person they had ever met, especially when it came to emotional abuse.

But I have realized with the family they all make me feel terrible. They betrayed me.  I can't ignore these feelings. I also faced facts I am strangers with many of them too. I never have felt loved or accepted by my family. Inside I am struggling with self esteem issues, thinking if only I had a normal body, or money or children, would they have loved me but then being sickened too that I was surrounded by people who even led me to have these kind of thoughts. People who are disabled, or childless or poor are loved by families out in the world.  I did not choose to be disabled or to have Aspergers. I deserved a lot better.

I always felt like a NOTHING around them and I have faced the sheer fact that ALL of them invalidated me if they didn't outright ignore me. All my feelings, viewpoints, beliefs were always put down, ignored or dismissed. Their blind eyes to my feelings is enough. This extended from my immediate family to the extended family networks. It applied to my mother, sister, brother, Aunt Confused, Aunt Denial, Aunt Scapegoat, cousins and various other narcissists and flying monkeys.

I had relatives I loved and wanted to get closer to. With at least two of the aunts, I was friends with for a short time and wanted a close and loving relationship. Same for the cousins, same for the nieces and nephews. I was turned away at every step. Today, I have to accept the simple fact, there is none of them I trust, no independent minded sorts.  I tried to get close to many too only to be turned down. In my case the challenges of being a severely overweight woman and an Aspie have co-mingled with these deep rejections. I know this is one reason I am struggling. Now I understand how the whole process happened.

The sad thing is if you are treated bad, you will have sad and upset reactions, and then your abusers will use those to excuse the ostracization, and abuse. I know there is no winning here. There's a time to fold the cards on the table and walk away.

One scary thing occurred to me, how none of them "saw" me as even a human being. They had no interest in getting to know me. All saw this paper figure, the image my mother had drawn. I tried to break through that for years and failed. She convinced them as early as 1979, that I was "crazy" and used my Aspergers to do so. She was complaining about me to relatives by the age of 5.  Even my years of trying to rebuild the relationships failed. My economic struggles made it far harder. In romantic relationships, people leave when they realize they are the ones doing all the work and realizing things are one way, this applies to other relationships too as well. I have given up the dream of being close to my nieces and nephews, that kept me in the game far longer then I would have otherwise been.

For years being told I was "too sensitive", I wondered if I was being too hard on my family members, that I was "too needy", "too demanding", that we all had our own lives and lived far away from one another and this was the natural scope of things. But it was not the natural scope of things, there are families who live far away from each other but still visit and express love to one another. Who knows what normal is when you are surrounded by dysfunction? But even years ago I felt the lack of respect, love or a sense of belonging in this family that may not even be my biological family. I was gas-lighted for years and told I was the problem. Now I am breaking free out of that.

The other day I was reading through some old diaries. One was around 10 years old. In it, I talked about how my mother, aunts, sister and cousins all went on a shopping trip to  large city around 80 miles away.  They literally drove right by my apt to get there too. I wasn't invited but they bragged to me about their trip.  I was told I didn't walk well enough. No one wanted the hassle of me coming along using my scooter or a rented wheelchair. This occurred at least three or four times.  My mother even once had Aunt Scapegoat come on a vacation to Florida, full expenses paid and set up the tri-weekly dialysis for her. I thought to myself rereading this diary, did I deserve that? I did not. My relatives have met on other vacations too, I have been left out of. I always was ostracized. It's a simple fact.

Another 11 year old diary in this case, I wrote "I wish I had a family that would come for dinner instead of just coming to my apartment to unload an old computer desk for ten minutes."  My husband and I were discussing this the other day, he has helped me in my healing. He said,  "Even fifteen years ago, they were treating you like they wanted nothing to do with you."

One thing that happens is these narcissists do turn entire families against the scapegoat who is the truth-teller.  With my mother being such a successful narc, and the main avenue of information, coming from her, in my case it was even more severe. My health and other problems bolstered her smear campaigns. They set up things so you are not believed. Often they have maligned you and ruined your reputation from the time you were 5 years old. Thirty or Forty years down the road you are not going to be changing entrenched flying monkey minds.

I realize even a year and half into my no contact with the main narcissists, the family wanted to keep me in the eternal scapegoat role. My mother was still running everything by proxy and sending out spies.  Even my brother's ill treatment added up to this message when I realized the real deal with his showing off of his furniture. I had not talked to him in two and half months and thought he missed me and this is where my normal emotions and their dysfunctional non-attached ones, always get me into trouble.

It is a role I am walking away from. What do I owe people like this? Nothing. I understand that when ACONs leave entire families, that can bring on "new guilt". You worry to yourself about if you are making the right decision or not. Some put up with abuse just to "have a family". A real family doesn't treat a member like this.

Maybe I will have the record for the most no contacts of any ACON. It is already in the double-digits.

I am ready to quit. I have not unfriended the few left on a social website yet but have gone silent and blocked all posts. I am not trying anymore. I am done knocking on the doors slammed in my face. I'm still entangling myself from the web the Queen Spider has spun. This is something I'm going to have to do. Self love means not going to a family that doesn't care for you. As we grow, we learn that hanging around people who make us feel bad or reject us for a narcissist is a bad idea. I do have a huge sense of loss to contend with but this is the only answer I can come up with. They never were a family to me. 

[I know I wrote I went NC with most of the family already, this is an article to go no contact with the ENTIRE family]

When Scapegoats Are Ostracized by An Entire Family.

The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family

The Social Stigma of Being Supersized in One's Family II


  1. Well, having witnessed many of these situations, I have firsthand knowledge of what you're saying here -- I always used to say, "They're like IKEA Furniture. It is what is; it does what it does." Of course, that doesn't make it any less difficult for you, but hopefully, in time, you can work through all of these things.

  2. Hey don't insult IKEA furniture. They are more like broken lawn chairs from the 70s where very few would fit on them or if someone sat down it would collapse. LOL I had to face what they ARE and what they DID, I think that will help me work through it.

  3. I will have relief cutting them all off as crazy as that sounds. No more pretending. No more disrespect. I know I am in my angry phase of recovery, thanks for hanging in there with me dear husband. I think we knew where this was going even 10 years ago. I wish I knew about these personality disorders back then but I knew something was very wrong.

  4. Excuse me barging in here, but I really appreciate what you wrote. I have a sister-in-law who has single handedly turned the majority of my family against me, and I am just beginning to learn how to deal without contact, as prior to that we were a very close family. Good luck to you, and I hope you find peace.

    1. Sorry your SIL turned everyone against you. Well I have had it happened with a narc mother. I may be writing a NC letter to the whole family maybe that is crazy but the other NC letters gave me a sense of closure. So sorry you were a close family before that is even worse.

  5. I don't understand why the people that know better will go over to the narcs camp and attack you as savagely as the narc does. I think it is rooted in some sense of guilt.

    1. Even the "nice" cousins went over to the narc cousin's camp, visiting abusive narc uncle--the one who mocked me for being poor. Yes I think it is guilt and the fact they are cowards too. The narcs set things up so the flunkies all worship them.

    2. I wonder if guilt is doing that too. She brainwashed them to attack me as well.

  6. Yep. Left 'em ALL behind. Decades ago. Yep, in the double (by now triple) numbers. Life THEN got a whole lot better-probably because I did. But not right away. Intense grieving first...hurt, hurt, hurt....just horrible when you realize the chronicity and severity of the abuse. Then furious of course. Can still muster that anger in the reality/face of abuse no matter the "label" of the perp-hope I never look the other way ever again. It never was you-or me or any of us. But you have to get away to get perspective-a long way away.
    Take your time. This part sucks: It just plain does. You're not alone. Yes, it sure does get better :)

    (My keyboard doesn't have all the keys working-sorry! Took about an hr. to try to do this.)

    AAHHHH!!! Those guaranteed-to-collapse chairs! Ugly dangerous mo-fo things! If they weren't collapsing they'd be pinching your butt or thighs. Haven't thought of those in years-the chaise lounges would fold up without provocation with you in it. The stuff of nightmares-or Candid Camera;
    webs all over the place-no safety anywhere around "home."
    T w

  7. Hi TW, thank for telling me you were forced to go NC, with in the double numbers or triple. Yes the number is high to me. I hurt a lot lately. I have a lifelong struggle with depression not making this easy, and yes facing the severity of the abuse and how I was simply diminished and not listened to has been very hard. I know I am going to have to get some counseling. I found out the local free clinic offers counseling and I can get some that way. I wasn't able to afford 200 bucks a month copays at other places.

    This is a strange situation in that none of these people really are part of my life, and I am facing that too. Just calls, social website and the creepy collusion with the Queen Spider. I considered writing a NC letter but everytime it came out, I thought well I already have said these things and it seemed to be giving them another chance to invalidate me. None of them believed me when I told them my mother had abused me or anything else.

    Thanks I will take my time. I know I have to do things my way, I spent years being crushed by these people. Thanks for telling me about this part being very hard. This is an incredible loss for people to overcome. No family. Not one ally. The world feels like a very lonely place.

    LOL about the collapsing chairs, yes I remember those bad chaise lounges, those things were bad news. . Thanks TW.

  8. Even in my early twenties I was left alone to forage through the world with my small children, couldn't even call my mother for a recipe. No, on my own and I just spent my whole life catering to an engulfing parasite. I didn't even know who the heck I was.

    I'm on my third marriage, and I have to work hard to find myself still.

    But I have went no contact permanently. I am out of the will, and my family are landowners. Still, a very good deal.

    1. One thing about these narcs they aren't there when you need real support and get others to abandon you as well. Sorry you faced that with children, as I went through abandonment in Chicago while ill. Many of us had to go to the social workers to keep us alive while narc parents had tons of money. I am glad for your third marriage, and sounds like you have worked hard Joan to find yourself. I am glad you went no contact permanently. I know I will be out of the will too--to the tune of 6 figures or so, but knew that with the first NC not wanting to sell my soul. I am sure she cut me out anyway. That will be a true shark fest. Our integrity is not worth their money or selling ourselves to them as their mind slaves.

  9. You'll never be alone, Peep. Even though we aren't "real" friends here, I know from the comments, you have a family of sorts here and you're admired. I hope that thought occurs to you again and again as you work through your emotions. I let them all go in my mind and almost all NC. I'm hyper-vigilant regarding the remaining ones; there is no trust. I'm even hyper-vigilant with all real-time friendships because I've trusted too many people for far longer than they deserved. Poor social behavior is an epidemic in the US and I have enough pain already stored up in my 'broken forgetter' to keep "walking on eggshells". You may never be comfortable with the decision to let the family go, but you already have so much on your plate. They'll never give the goodness you deserve and you deserve goodness. -- Lora

    1. Thanks Lora, I agree we do have a family of sorts here. I know some of my commenter's hearts here far more then I knew any relatives. Thanks I will remind myself of those thoughts, it will help me so thanks. I am letting mine go in my mind too, and glad you are almost all NC as well. Yes be careful of trust, if it is not there, the relationship with them is dead anyhow.

      I agree with you about poor social behavior in the USA. Our culture is socially breaking up. The social disconnection is growing rife, as people wax cold. I just can't do the walking on eggshells anymore. I know these things are impacting me in other places, I unfriended a woman immediately on Facebook who was rude to me about being disabled. Yes the decision to let them go was not easy. I think even Queen Spider knew I'd be cutting them all of as I entangled myself from the web, she was writing "Come back to the family" even before I have gone full NC from the entire family. Yes I never will get the goodness I deserve. I know here too I was imagining relationships and a family that did not exist. They were not interested in a relationship with me. Thanks for your kind words, I deeply appreciate them and do others here too.

  10. I wrote a huge reply yesterday. It was so huge it wouldn't post.

    We have no contact with my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, my parents, and my sister's family. That is pretty much everyone. We just had rotten luck, I guess.

    The one thing that I felt was most important out of what I said in that whole post was that I feel it is actually beneficial to be confrontational about things rather than to just drift apart. I feel that when you just drift apart, you still hold out hope that things might get better or maybe you all just misunderstood each other.

    The last one I cut ties with was my sister. While I spent years (years!) crying over my parents, this last one was pretty quick to recover from. I feel it was because I addressed it very matter-of-factly and made my feelings and needs known. I simply wrote to her that I felt bad about the very one-sided way our relationship had gone on and that, emotionally, I needed her to make more of an effort. She told me no- flat out. I realized that what I was hoping and asking for was not unreasonable and she was just not capable of giving that. It actually felt okay.

    Obviously, do it however you are comfortable, but I found it less painful to just put everything out there and give them the right of first refusal. You know anyone who says sorry is probably worth more of an effort. -Kate

  11. Peep,I'm finally getting around to catching up on your recent posts. I hope you didn't think I forgot about you. As always, great posts.
    You were right to disconnect from your awful FOO. These people are not deserving of anything from you, and your mother sounds thoroughly evil. I do hope it turns out she isn't your real mother, but even if she is, you do not owe her or her flying monkeys anything even though there is common blood.
    You owe yourself the nurturing and love you never got from these monsters, and never, ever feel guilty for blogging about them or going no contact with them. As if they care!
    I know it hurts to not have a family who gives a darn about you because my family is the same way. I still struggle with feelings of guilt and shame anyway, because they have programmed me to do so. Now that they have found my blog, I sometimes feel gulty or ashamed posting something about them. But eventually I do it anyway, because ( 1) what are they gonna do? and (2) they will not care, and their smear campaign cannot get any worse anyway.
    They hate you Peep, because you tell the truth about them. They hate the truth tellers. I was the truth teller in my FOO too, and now we are calling them out the way they feared. They always knew on some level we would do so, and would have us dead before allowing us to do that and shatter their perfect images for the paper thin masks they are.
    Love yourself, Peep. Nurture yourself. It will get better. -- Lucky Otter

    1. Thanks for your comments Otter, I appreciate it. Yes whatever choice was there but to disconnect they really disconnected from me long ago. It occurred to me the contact changed big time when husband lost his career and we moved here, there was far less of it. I hope she is not my real mother either. I know I have to prepare myself for whatever answer may come. Biological or not, I was an orphan too. I know they do not care, and I don't feel guilty blogging about them. It does hurt that they do not care and see me as a stranger. Some of the cousins were nicer but seeing those relationships ruined by the narcs gloming onto them upset me too. Why couldn't anyone be left for me? So what did yours say when they found your blog? I am curious. Did they tell you to take it down.

      Yes they hate me for telling the truth. They do not understand my emotions, most of them do not have any. I even think of the my grunting cousin, who wouldn't even talk to me scary stuff. I think mine knew I would be talking too and her whole life was about isolating and invalidating me to cover up her evils. Thanks Otter. :)