Saturday, February 21, 2015

No More Pecking! Peep Got Tired of Hurting Her Beak

We will never be understood by those who will not or don't want to understand us.

I wanted to share this article I found....

Ridding Myself of the Family Scapegoat Mantel

"It took me a long time to realize that by becoming defensive and engaging in the old argument, I was wearing my scapegoat mantle well. A friend of mine (also a scapegoat) introduced me to her term, “being a woodpecker.” Where you peck and peck and peck and just dig yourself deeper into a negative place. For example: I’d say, “This is what happened. Get it?” When they argued, I’d say, “I’ll explain it this way. Now do you get it?” And so on – each time become more desperate. I always placed my safety and serenity in someone else’s ability to “get it,” rather than taking responsibility for my own well-being. 
It wasn’t until I had healed enough (and this wasn’t easy) to stand confidently in my own experience that I was able to extricate myself from the scapegoat role.
Knowing when and with whom I could talk about my abuse was an important lesson for me. Validation was key to ridding myself from a wide array of childhood traumas. The trick is to differentiate from those who are supportive and those whom we want to be supportive – but are not.
In other words, whenever anyone suggested that I was wholly responsible for my childhood abuse or family estrangement, I learned to say, “I have a different experience,” and changed the subject. Over a period of many years, with the aid of supportive individuals – who did “get it” - I learned to stand boldly in my truth, in my needs, and to set and guard my boundaries – without defending or arguing. With time, it didn’t matter if everyone “got it.” I got it! I wasn't responsible for my mistreatment and the brokenness of my family. I no longer “felt” like a scapegoat so the title didn’t fit. It no longer held power over me. I had empowered myself to achieve a place of self-assured peace. "

I noticed she admits this place took her many years to get to, so yes there is time needed in healing. Here we must have forgiveness for ourselves in taking the time we need to heal. Having a sociopath for a mother is not the norm. I know in this alone, I missed out on what many humans take for granted, having a mother who loves them from the very first day of their life.

 When I read this I think of all the times I tried to explain to all of them. Sometimes inside my mind would scream, "Aren't these the stupidest people on the planet!" but I forgot the bare fact, they did not want to understand or accept me. They simply had no qualms about my being in the place of being misunderstood. They had been brainwashed by the narc to disregard everything I had said. I was not important to them or a priority so why would they listen to me? To ally with me would have meant the wrath of the narcs and the withdrawal of bennies.  This is why even my brother disregarded my emotions telling me I was not to have them. Everything she said and did was the law. Well forget that!

 I agree with her about the pecking like woodpecker. For me it was like pecking on a brickwall with a damaged beak on the hardness of those who had long ago turned their backs on me and had no interesting in "seeing", "listening" or "caring". Today I ask myself, "Why did I try so hard?". "Why all the time wasted?"

 My NC has been a struggle even in that I had these times of thinking, "If only I could wake them up!". I had to realize my suffering did not matter to them. My words floated over their head. Even in seeking to confront, and make a stand, there too, repeating one's self once the stand has been made can be twisted against a person. I wrote my mother letters before my NC, seeking understanding and healing for the relationship. There is a time to know when to "fold them". As I have written before, we have to give up the dream of a loving family and people who do not really exist.

The narcissists try to hold us responsible for everything. Inside scapegoats are made to feel those feelings of shame, and guilt and with the onus on us to always fix relationships. We were trained by the narcs to always come running like puppy dogs to fix everything. They used this to their own ends. Kept desperate and on a hook. I remember the forgive and forget scenarios where guilty I would crawl back to the queen spider grateful I had been given another reprieve. She had this way of making me feel like I had been the one at fault. Her phony cards to me represent her waiting me out for me to crawl back with her nose in the air.

 Relationships are two way streets.  I think to myself how I "worked" so hard and how it was a useless venture. Today is the day to ask myself WHAT I WANT FOR ONCE. What will please me? Enter a room and don't ask yourself who likes me but who do I like?

The narcs here too can "win" as one is desperate to be accepted, loved and understood, you dig your hole deeper trying to explain yourself and to be "seen". The narc has labeled you "negative" and when you express sadness to the uncaring it is a no win situation. I hope one day to get to that place in understanding too, where it won't matter anymore if everyone "gets it" and that I "got it". I didn't cause these problems. I didn't choose this and I am done trying to fight to be "loved" by people incapable of the emotion. This seems to be more where freedom can lie.

I won't apologize for having feelings and seeking connection, but I know it is time to be done. They will never listen. I have the supportive people in my life who "do get it". I don't need them to listen anymore. It is too late, the time has passed.

I have realized how these people almost destroyed me, and it has taken God and every ounce of strength to grab onto the fact that yes I am a person of worth and dignity. I don't need them. I gave them enough chances and it's time to be done. My NC will be two years in June.

Hebrews 5:11 Of whom we have many things to say, and hard to be uttered, seeing ye are dull of hearing.


  1. Peep, You are sounding more and more realistic, more and more "settled" into Acceptance. Progress!
    t w